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/tg/ - Traditional Games

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>Be me, Guardsman
>been stationed on a tidally locked world for 15 years
>have to deal with some orks on the day side
>no supplies whatsoever
>stopped using lasguns and started using bows instead
>mfw bows are more effective than lasguns
>commissar started using a crossbow and screams now "BLAM" everytime he executes someone
>local admech now prays to the machine spirit of a wheel
>life is hard on a feudal world
>get sent to fight in ork sand castles, walk knee-deep in molten glass, get sunburned through armor, swim in boiling water and walk through more sandstorms than there are stars in the galaxy
>do it all on a daily basis
>the fact that the commissar is my father in law doesn't help
>and they say that catachans have tough shit to deal with
>some day reinforcements arrive and brought some eldar with them
>I hope they brought supplies
>mfw the frakkers don't want to supply us
>back to the good old bow and arrow I guess
>commissar started using a crossbow and screams now "BLAM" everytime he executes someone
Okay, that one here made me smile.
>get sent to fight in ork sand castles, walk knee-deep in molten glass, get sunburned through armor, swim in boiling water and walk through more sandstorms than there are stars in the galaxy
Yeah, that's bullshit. Guardsmen are normal humans, and that's the sort of thing that'd kill them. They're not Space Marines.
>be guardsman
>be on my way to some feudal deathworld
>the catachan are preety stoked about it
>most of us are not very happy about that death world buisness
>after the deployment the catachan get realy furious because the planet is not a jungle
>some local commissar madman with a crossbow decides to shoot some catachan for some reason and shouts "BLAM" doing it
>the constant state of living in twilight must have affected his brain or something
>Be me, be Eldar Guardian
>Sent to aid Imperial Guard on some backwater world
>Notice guardsmen are using bows and arrows
>Point this out to fellow guardian
>She says
I guess they are capable of technological advancement after all
>Honestly can’t tell if she is being sarcastic
>Be me, be guardsman stuck on shithole planet for 15 years
>Couldn’t sleep last night because cloud cover lifted, and it was super bright inside the tent
>Also because I got sand in my eyes while trying to cover my face with a pillow
>Haven’t had recaf in 10 years, still miss it
>Breakfast was at least 15% sand by volume
>Spend the rest of the morning sweeping sand off mess room floor
>My squad mate, who is the sulkiest douchebag in the whole regiment, says “I hate sand” for the 20th time this morning
>Something inside me snaps
>Decide to end this
>Grab grenade in each hand, go running off toward enemy lines
>Belatedly remember that our “grenades” are just rocks with the word “grenade” scratched onto the side
>Too angry to care
>Use them to beat two foraging gretchin to a pulp
At least it's a crossbow and not a foam finger.
>Be Captain Renn, leader of remaining Imperial forces on this deathtrap
>Reading daily casualty report:
Troopers Vee, Haster, Frin, Hans (the other one) – deceased while raiding enemy fortifications
Trooper Irin – 1st degree burns from molting sand poured on him by orks, Emperor’s Mercy recommended, instead executed by commissar for negligence
Troopers Stockson, Bran, Wyn, Parsi – Disappeared in sandstorm on way back from raid, presumed deceased
Trooper Ani – executed by commissar for complaining about sand
Troopers Guj, Kay, Brost – suffered 2nd degree burns from walking through boiling puddle after being ordered to do so by [REDACTED], executed by commissar for negligence
Corporal Gunder – drowned in patch of quicksand that spontaneously formed in middle of camp
Troopers Hans (the other other one), Maymay, Froid – executed by commissar for [REDACTED] (Commissar’s handwriting) legitimate reasons
Sergeant Hayes – executed by commissar for making a comment about the commissar’s daughter, commissar beat him to death with rock while yelling BLAM since commissar has run out of crossbow bolts again
Trooper Bridged – beaten to death by commissar for not having additional crossbow bolts ready in time
Trooper Bruck – missing, assumed deserted
Trooper Hjell – deceased, bitten by sand viper in [REDACTED] while [REDACTED]
>Commissar’s handwriting again, apparently he has taken over writing these reports
Trooper Hans – executed by me for inaccuracies and vulgarities in casualty report
Troopers Hans, Drecker – deceased, sunstroke, after being chained to pole for three days for insufficient hygiene
>Adjutant’s handwriting at bottom of page
Sir, we can’t keep this up much longer, we only got 48 men and women left, we need to do something about the commissar
The worst enemy is the commissar.
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>Be me, OG Guardsman
>some eldar asks me if we have any troops stationed on the night side of the planet
>tell them that we don't
>eldar has the biggest o shit moment of his life and runs away
>I'll have to do something about newly deployed guardsmen
>mfw I just saw 3 kriegsmen die just because they decided that digging trenches in loose sand was a good idea
>and my father in law is not helping
>we have only 48 original guardsmen left
>and guess what the orks start attacking
>mfw we have only newbie guardsmen, the only people who know how to fight on this shitshow of a planet are armed with bows and the eldar just ran away
>Be Commissar
>Exasperated that now must write casualty report until another literate guardsman can be located
>Glance down at notepad, it has been only two hours since reinforcements showed up, but the first page on my notepad is almost full….
Trooper Sandor – executed for not being able to locate recaf
Troopers Metina, Fean? – executed for being too exuberant about reinforcements
Trooper Gronn – executed for not being exuberant enough about reinforcements
Three unknown Catachan troopers – executed in order to establish authority over new comers
Unknown Catachan Sergeant – executed for failing to turn over his bolt pistol to the Commissariat
Four unknown Catachan troopers – executed for trying to assault a member of the Commissariat
Two unknown Catachan troopers – executed for probable future attempt to assault a member of the Commissariat
Unknown Stalinvan trooper – executed for questioning Commissariat right to disburse punishment
Unknown Stalinvan trooper – executed for listening to an insubordinate comrade
Troopers Gyn, Kray, Bremma – executed for trying to sneak onto departing drop ship
Two unknown Catachan troopers – executed for questioning wisdom of Crusade Command in sending jungle fighters to desert world
Unknown Stalinvan trooper – executed for carrying ammo case upside down
Five to six Stalinvan troopers – executed for various failures to set up a proper camp
Unknown Stalinvan trooper – executed for not knowing location of additional clips for my bolter pistol
Trooper Jain – executed for not knowing where my crossbow is
Trooper Dinn, unknown Catachan trooper, four unknown Stalinvan troopers – deceased, sand viper bites while gathering sand vipers
Five unknown Stalinvan troopers – deceased, drowned in quicksand while gathering sand vipers
Captain Derrick Renn – executed for plotting to assassinate a member of the Commissariat, thrown in pit of sand vipers
Adjutant Rebekka Fathi - executed for plotting to assassinate a member of the Commissariat, thrown in pit of sand vipers
Unknown Stalinvan trooper – executed for making lewd remark about Adjutant Rebekka Fathi, thrown in pit of sand vipers
Troopers Hans, Stor, three unknown Catachan troopers, fourteen unknown Stalinvan troopers – deceased after several sand vipers escaped execution pen
Unknown Krieg engineer – executed for poorly designed execution pit
Lieutenant Erin Hass – executed for interrupting mass execution in order to inform participants of ongoing ork raid
>I guess I will have to finish the rest of the report later
new to 40k. why are the eldar helping humans, don’t they hate each other?
Short answer Yvraine and Guilliman
Long answer Gathering Storm
During the recent jump in the timeline, a small group of eldar helped bring Roboute Guilliman back to life and have helped Imperial forces several times since then

Since then a lot of tg writers and artists have assumed a strong alliance between human and eldar, though in reality, relations are probably just as complicated as they were before, with eldar only helping humans when it suits them, and humans barely tolerating eldar since they are desperate, but on constant watch for any sign of betrayal
>Be Junior Clerk Farena Seven, Stalinvast 104th, recently promoted to be commissar’s adjutant
>Apparently my new job is to run around following the commissar, writing down why various people are dead
>Usually because the commissar himself has killed them
>Report so far reads as follows:
Unknown Catachan – deceased, testicles manually removed and shoved down throat by commissar for slapping his daughter’s rear area
Unknown Krieg – deceased, post-humorously executed for drowning in sand while trying to dig trench
Unknown Catachan – executed by commissar (not sure why, will edit later)
Four unknown Stalinvan troopers – executed by commissar for attempted desertion
Unknown local trooper – executed by commissar for trying to switch his bow with a lasgun without permission of an officer
Unknown Catachan – deceased, beheaded by ork
>Commissar wants me to stop writing and start shooting
>Not sure if qualified for that since only got 20 minutes of firearms training during basic
>Figure the commissar will shoot me for asking questions
>Pull out laspistol
>Here goes nothing……….
Good job in keeping the trend of making sure each of these shitty threads are somehow more retarded than the last

Bravo, it really takes dedicated to reach this level of stupidity.
Unnamed forum troll - executed for being an asshole without contributing anything of value to the thread. Extra sand vipers put in the coffin for good measure.

I will have to add that to the casualty report if this thread is still alive later tonight
>Be Trooper Ced, Stalinvast 104th
>This planet sucks
>Only three hours into deployment and the squad is already down three members
>Boriz and Natashi got sucked into quicksand
>Orrez got bit by sand viper
>Deployed to camp perimeter to fend off ork raid
>The Sarge is taken down by an unlucky headshot while trying to order everyone into cover behind perimeter wall
>Daimen tries to run away but is also cut down by ork fire
>Everyone else gets swarmed by grots while hiding behind wall
>Stick bomb lands in middle of scuffle and kills or wounds everyone involved
>I manage to kill a grot just before an ork leaping over the wall crushes me like a bug
>Well, the drill sergeant was wrong, at least I killed one of the enemy before dying
>Be me, Krieger
>Deployed to this nice, warm world
>No nuclear radiation nor fire storms
>Well, I'll just roll with it for now and dig some trenches for good measure
>The ground is covered with more ground as I try dig it
>Give up, some guys die in a pathetic way while trying to dig
>Ffs, well, more equipment and ammo to blow greenskins, which are wreaking havoc rn
>Just shoot them from afar while the frontline dies, raining bombardment to make sure their sacrifaces arent useless and their corpses have a proper burial in the sand
>I miss Krieg
Now I feel like making a custom "Sand Vipers" regiment
Their rite of passage will be subduing an enemy in hand to hand combat before biting them to death
>Be freshly minted Commissar Alice Lone
>Just got my Commissar sash and everything
>Didn't even have to use my natural assets that much to get ahead
>Got assigned to a mixed regiment on the troop ship Bastard's Luck headed out to some tidally locked deathworld to reinforce some poor bastards already there
>Apparently the current forces down there only have stick and rocks
>I hope the Munitorum brought enough ammo for everyone
>Checks my new regiment
>The 'Buctoo Survivors'
>Well that's a weird name
>Checks roster
>Looks like it's a bunch of troops who were scraped together from a bunch of leftovers on another campaign
>Some Catachans
>A bunch of Valhallans
>Some hive planet called Mychagun
>Some agriworld called Harvest
>And 25% of the regiment is from Carlos McConnell [note from some snarky Administratum clerk says they're: "some kind of abhuman. Have fun with all the cannon fodder!"]
>shit shit shit
>Who do I have to sleep with to get a transfer to a different regiment without abhumans?
>Entire room shakes
>Ship vox comes on
>"Ladies, gentlemen, and cat-people with poofy hair. We seem to have been struck by a big rock from the planet's surface. Please fasten your seatbelts and brace for impact. We're going to be experiencing a little turbulence followed by crash landing and probably death. Have a nice day."
I'm sure it will be fine, her "natural assets" can help dampen the impact
A certain sergeant would like to inquire if those poor bastards down on the planet have to share that rock...
Sand, the one thing capable of demoralizing a Krieger. Emperor preserve us that our enemies never obtain this information.
>Kriegers hate sand
>Anakin Skywalker hates sand
>Kriegers all wear masks
>Darth Vader also wears a mask
>Kriegers are basically an army of Darth Vaders
By the God Emprah...
Kriegers probably produce psykers at the usual ratio for their population. Krieger psykers would be grim as fuck.
>kills kids, valuable assets for the Empire of Man
>uses heretical arts instead of good old trench digging, atrittion war and 10 years of constant bombardment
>tries to fight someone on high ground instead of digging some trenches
Dont put us with scum like that... well, we're scum too, but that something else entirely.

That "sand" thing really is quite problematic, but with this information, and some other an half-melted guardsman gave to us, we're going to bring some flame-thrower so we can turn it into glass and, then, dig it.
Bring some sheets, some rocks and build a little shelter. Shade and hiding and becoming one with the sand. Learn to ambush for MAXIMUM kill ratio. Life is the Emperor's currency it will be spent to defend His Imperium but it shall not be wasted

>Be an Ork Warboss on planet
>watching humies through me gitfinda
>starting to fink da suns frying da humies brainz
>Deyz killing each other moar den da boyz haz lately!
>Yell at boyz to finish building me sandcastle
>They ask if I want it bigger
>Zog me. Just grab dat 'FLEX SEAL/FLEX TAPE' from da big Mek if ya need to hold it together dis time
>Checks gitfinda, sees da humie ship has crashed in a place full of local snakey things
>implying not!Vader Krieg psykers telekinetically throwing around bayonets and entrenching shovels wouldn't terrify the hell out of heretics
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>Be me, Catachan ABhuman
>be fighting off an ork raid
>trying also not to complain about not being on a jungle death world
>the local commissar makes the average commissar look like a living saint by comparison
>the local guardsmen use bows instead of lasguns
>the most suprising thing about this is that they are the most competent troops on this planet right now
>mfw the enviroment caused more catachan casualties than the commissar
>remember that I need to find something to protect myself from the shiny bastard in the sky because my natural tan is not enough
>getting my sunstruck and sunburned would be even worse than hypothermia
>mfw that kireger just said something about the sand "underestimating his power"
>ok I'm quite sure that I need to find some shirt or something asap
>notice that the everything got brighter
>hear a loud sound of something big crashing into the surface
>thankfully it was not a solar flare
>It was one of our ships
>and it crashed where the sand vipers are
>I think that we should help them
>I don't want to get killed by the commissar
Would a Bow and arrow be effective against orks?
Not in a normal human hands, no. In the hands of an Ork or a Space Marine or if you could teach an Orgyn to use a bow on the other hand...
>Flex Seal
If only the Imperium had rediscovered the STC for Flex Seal products in M31. The Horus Heresy could've been prevented with a liberal application of flex tape to Lorgar's mouth.
the human webway project would have been finished earlier if the emperor just had flex seal/flex tape
Great Rift gotcha down? Just seal that up with flex tape!
>be me, a humble techpriest
>stationed on Holy Terra, blessed be the Omnissiah
>find arcane relic chest containing black substance of unknown origin
>oh Omnissiah it's sticky, three of my mechadendrites fuse together trying to extract the relic
>the Magos will surely deactivate me
>fumble around trying to get the black goop off
>drop relic
>several capsules of it fall into the ventilation system

4 days later:

>Warp rift underneath Golden Throne inexplicably sealed shut
>rumor has it that Khorne himself has been trying and failing to reopen it, merely losing several of his finest blades in the attempt
>emperor reawakens, all is well for the galaxy
>except he's still stuck to the Throne by some black shot even he can't explain
>Be Commissar Alice Lone
>Stagger out my room in troop ship
>I survived
>Climbs out to open hangar, sees Catachan in the distance
>Why isn't he coming to help?!
>Notice there are a lot of big snake things around the ship
>Open blouse slightly, adjust commissar cap
>step into view
>Stop and add after a moment
>Be me, Catachan ABhuman
>some qt steps out of the ship
>wants us to help her
>says she has ammo
>still not going to do this
>only if our commissar agrees
>and I won't be the person asking him for permision
>be me, Krieger
>kinda sad since this mildly upsetting place dont let me use my most powerful strategy
>no, this will not stand, I will show to this sand what one hundred and fifty years of grinding warfare looks like
>woman in Krieg are quiet, I miss them
>a Commissar that came crashing from the orbit is demanding help from a Catachan
>he's probably twice as useful as all of us combined
>He gave zero fucks
>Could mow down the snakes with the Heavy Stubber I got assigned
>Or blow them up with the melta gun one of the Kriegers had
>Entirely unacceptable. I can't waste ammo on reptiles while there are orks
>And if you cant deal with oversized snankes you're worthless for the imperium
>I miss Krieg
>But I don't miss the head of that filthy greenskin
>The 'Buctoo Survivors'
Subtle, I like it
I wonder if they are the same regiment that had a Christmas themed adventure lately, which featured some cat people
>Be Commissar Alice Lone
>Are... Are these guardsmen ignoring me?
>I am a commissar damn it!
>I've got the sash, the cap, the bolt pistol, everything
>"Guardsman you will get that musclebound ass over here and help or I will shoot you for insubordination!"
>Where are all those abhumans this 'buctoo survivors' have? Maybe they'd be more reliable than these lazy local guardsmen!
>Be local commissar
>Informed that a second landing craft has come down with more reinforcements
>Also they have another commissar with them
>Why didn’t the troops in the first lander inform me that there was a second lander coming?
>Get a bit uneasy
>Remember that I was probably either directly or indirectly responsible for the deaths of 80+ guardsmen in the past 24 hours
>Some would consider that a bit excessive………
>It was just that for the past couple of months we were so low on guardsmen that I had to put up with all sorts of garbage without executing everyone I wanted too
>And these new comers are just so damn incompetent
>May need to dial it back, at least until I get a handle on the new comers
>Grudgingly order some troops to clear out the snakes surrounding the landing craft
>Be Sergeant Mikola, Stalinvast 104th
>Commissar has ordered us to clean out the sand vipers surrounding the crash site
>Grab everyone I can find carrying a special or heavy weapon
>Walk over to crater full of sand vipers
>Why didn’t we just throw people in here instead of losing 11 men catching sand vipers to fill a pit in the middle of the camp?
>Not to mention the 19+ guardsman that died when they escaped…
>Well, better get to work…..
Open Fire!!!!!
>Be Trooper Fluffy, abhuman, Buctoo Survivors
>Commissar Lone is looking for volunteers to exterminate local xenos lifeforms around lander
>Her blouse is partially open again
>Always fascinated by the size of her, uh, assets, and the complete lack of fuzz on them
>Realize that she is looking at me, looking at her
>Accidentally make eye contact while looking away
>Get voluntold to leave the lander along with some others from my homeworld
>Naturally no pure strains get asked to look outside
>Climb of hatch
>Fug me those things look big
>And poisonous
>Wonder what chance of survival is if get bitten by one
>Do we even have a medic still?
>What was her name again?
>Be me, Krieger
>Now there's two commissars bickering and one random guy ralling trops to kill a bunch of snakes
>They're close to them and their orders where "Open Fire!!!" instead of "Fix Bayonets"
>Picks up good ol' mortar
>Well, aside from trench digging we, from Krieg, are good at another thing
>Hellfire was unleashed upon them, foe and friend equally hit as they were a bit to close to the explosions, fire and molten glass flying trough the air and killing more
>Were should be glorious and tactically exploitable craters are just... pits of sand with tid bits of snake and some men
>Continue the bombardment until I run out of ammo, where should be a pit of snakes is just a small crater of solid glass and blood
>Shot some times with a Melta Gun to prove my point, deadly heat rays hitting were should be no more than a pit of mortal remains
>Small yet beautiful tactical place
>Oh wait, I'm a clone of my father
>Well, I "smile" at myself, then
>Not that I know how to, but under my mask no one will ever know
>I still miss Krieg, tho
>Be Basilisk Commander Shen
>Well, all our basilisks were destroyed over 10 years ago, so actually just command catapults
>Bunch of Krieg showed up today
>With a bunch of fancy mortars
>We have been using catapults for 5 years now, they work just fine…..
>Looks like someone just called an artillery strike in the southwest quadrant
>And forgot to inform us
>Order all catapults to fire into that sector
>Be Sergeant Mikola
>In fetal position
>Has bombardment stopped yet?
>Look up
>One of the Kriegers is hosing bits of sand viper with melta
>Wait! Did he just torch half a Catachan?
>Looks around, at least half the men I gathered are missing
>The one closest to me just got sucked down by a patch of quicksand that spontaneously formed below her
>And suddenly it is raining boulders for no apparent reason
>Be a Tau firesight marksman
>observing conflict between orks and humans for about a month now
>desert world reminds me of home sweet home
>orks are building sandcastles and humans landed in a sand viper pit
>sending updates to command as cheap entertainment
>the new arrivals commander has a nice set of tits
>reflect my unhealthy attraction to human women is why I am out all alone without backup.
>Be me, Krieger
>Feeling refreshed after this use of overwealming and unecessary brutal force
>Now, go for the crash site since there are, or should have, ammo and other things there
>There's a bunch of brutally mutilated corpses on the ground, viscerae and such paiting bizarre works of art
>Smells like that of a million rotting carcasses and nuclear radiation
>Armory, half destroyed and half salvagable, but not going to take It all since that's egoism and such is heresy
>A bunch of ammo, a new coat 'cause... Well, its black, so its night camo and a chain sword 'cause...
>I want one, okay? Everyone has one, even the useless commissar, I deserve one too.
>Get out before I commit another heretic act, I will train harder from now on so I may pay with my blood
>Still miss Krieg
>Be Lieutenant Johanna Biddensworth
>Recently recruited from Timbuktoo nobility to round out the officer contingent of the mixed regiment drawn from devastated regiments fighting on my homeworld, known as the “Buctoo Survivors”
>Landing was a little rough
>More than a couple of people died
>Even worse, I broke a nail
>Make sure I am one of the last people out of the transport, just in case there is something dangerous outside
>Pass a Krieg with a shiny black coat and a chainsword
>Isn’t that the old commissar’s stuff?
>Get outside, everything is burning hot
>And covered with burning pieces of flesh
>Start sweating immediately
>Ditch officer’s coat
>Now worried about sunburn
>Order nearby Tallarn trooper to give me her tunic
>It seems light and breathable
>Walk to edge of crash site, away from others
>Ditch shirt
>After a moment’s consideration, ditch bra as well
>It was already starting to chaff, and it is not like anyone can see anything anyways since I am facing the desert
>Rub suntan lotion on chest for a while to prevent further chaffing
>Put on Tallarn tunic, head back to see what others are doing
>Good thing no one is out in the desert, otherwise they would have had quite a show
>the new weaponry is actually an upgrade over the standard issue shit
>proceed to destroy the enemy with lopsided victories
>the Eldar then proceed to compliment the guard over the wonders and elegance this thing called a "bow" like the Elf faggots they are
>tech priest are of course upset
>Be Junior Clerk Farena Seven, Stalinvast 104th, recently promoted to be commissar’s adjutant
>Still in charge of casualty report
>We took significant losses today, so ordered to summarize the 36 pages of individual casualties into one paragraph:
211 dead, 305 wounded, – ork assault on camp
4 dead, 204 unfit for duty – sunstroke, survivors slated for punishment
84 dead / believed dead – quicksand
66 dead – sand viper bites
58 dead – executed by Commissar (reasons include negligence, failure to follow orders, attempted assault on Commissariat personnel, poor hygiene, topless sunbathing, complaining, questioning judgement of authority figures, lack of awareness of location of Commissariat equipment, reckless joviality, cowardice, desertion, “sheer bloody incompetence”, interrupting an execution, and possessing pornographic material of Commissar’s daughter)
54 blinded – failure to wear goggles during sandstorm, slated for punishment
42 unfit for duty – severe sunburns, slated for punishment
12 dead, 23 wounded – encounters with flora and fauna other than sand vipers
28 dead, 14 wounded – damage to landing craft
19 missing – desertion or quicksand suspected
14 dead, 3 wounded – friendly fire from mortars and catapults
7 dead – drowned in sand while trying to dig trenches (one also posthumously executed by Commissar)
4 dead, 4 missing – failed assault on ork outpost
5 dead – Miscellaneous (Corporal Anon – killed by squad for being toxic and whiny, posthumously executed by Commissar and buried in pit filled with sand vipers with other traitors, Trooper “Buck” – complications during Catachan hazing ritual, Trooper Lee – accidently activated grenade while showing off, Troopers Hans and Breta – cause of death still to be determined)
I laughed
>Be Commissar Alice Lone
>Wait, those are the abhumans from Carlos McConnell
>by the emperor
>those ears...
>that fur...
>Its adorable!
>Slaps self a bit
>damn it Alice, you're a commissar, not some juvie squealing over a cute kitten! Show some self control girl!
>Start to follow Buctoo Survivors out of hatch and get ready to shoot snakes when suddenly the entire area is being bombarded by artillery fire
>Dive back inside troop ship and nearly avoid getting flattened
>Getting bombarded by friendly fire was not how I expected my new regiment's first deployment to go
>Starting to wish I'd been selected to be a Sister of Battle instead.
>bombardment ends, stick head out of troop ship wreck
>Everything's a mess, and there's a shit-load of casualties
>So much the regiment's name 'survivors'
>Decide I might as well go grab my greatcoat and chainsword
>got to look professional on my first official day right?
>Make way to cabin
>My chainsword and coat are gone
>Emperor's bollocks!
>what did I do to deserve this
>What fateweaving prick decided that I need to get screwed 8 ways to Sunday on my first day as a commissar
>mfw I have to go around as the new commissar of my regiment dressed like THIS the entire time and still try to get everyone to take me seriously

>Be Eldar Farseer Waddick
>Be causally reading casualty report while monkeigh fuckers screw around and die in the sand while I'm chilling here under a beach umbrella nearby
>sees repeated remarks about commissar's daughter
>clearly she's destined to be a star on the porno-vidpicts if her dad's so pissed.
>I would know since I've been the one distributing it!
>sees Adjutant Rebekka Fathi listed as a casualty
>Wonder if I should mention that his crossbow bolt failed to BLAM her and she didn't get thrown in the correct pit because the monkeighs are all complete and utter morons
>Consider checking to see if she's still alive
>Nah, I'd rather let these monkeighs continue to be idiots and have a good laugh at their expense.
>After all, what are they gonna do? BLAM me with their silly crossbow bolts?
>Be commissars bolt pistol
>run out of ammo
>Be Roboute Guilliman, Lord Commander of the Imperium
>Dad is awake now
>But apparently he's still trapped on the Golden Throne
>Black shit is involved
>researches source of black goo shit
>who the fuck is Phile Swiftus?!
>Be grot scout
>lurking in desert
>watching the humie lines in the distance while Orks try to build another huge sandcastle
>Spot some humie girlie strip down to her waist and then put on a new tunic
>So those are those 'tits' the Blood Axes say the humie ladz get all hot and bothered about.
>they look like panzee girlies except without the pointy ears
>....humies are weird
>Oh well, time to go find some tea!
>Be me, Krieger
>Stationed and waiting to be deployed, but that wouldnt happen soon since they procceded to win using the new weaponry
>Sat down, cleaning and doing the "daily rituals" the Tech Priests order me to, to keep the weapons functioning properly
>Both the commissar and the lieutnant have a big quantity of plump on their mamaries and not enough muscles
>Women in Krieg were slim and muscular, I miss them
>They should be more careful with their rations and exercise more, having a body unfit for combat is entirely unaccptable
>There's one heretic eldar laughing like an idiot while reading the casualty report
>Having fun in the Imperium is against the law and punishable by death per hanging and a punch square into the jaw
>Should blast him and send his soul to their "god", whatever is the name of that thing that fucked his... her?... It way into existence
>Can't, commissar gave express orders to only blow them after his command
>I miss Krieg
>Be local commissar
>Sipping recaf while reading casualty report
>It is full of errors and vulgar language
>Also explicitly mentions the pornoslate of my daughter four times
>Glare at adjutant, but she is currently facing another direction
>Remember that now that another commissar and some senior officers are here that I have to dial back on the executions
>Also there is no bolt pistol ammo left on the planet, and I don’t want to go back to using my crossbow
>Camp discipline has already collapsed as a result
>Heavy cloud cover has reduced direct sunlight, so the new comers are all walking around half naked
>It doesn’t help that the new commissar runs around in a tank top
>She claims her coat went missing
>I see the way you adjust your “ladies” whenever you want something from someone
>Also, the newcomers can’t set up a camp to save their lives
>Saw 14 infractions on way to and from lavatory alone
>Not to mention the leader of the remaining eldar in the camp seems to enjoy needling me for no particular reason
>They are completely untouchable of course
>Damn this unholy alliance!
>Realise have crushed coffee mug in anger
>Stomp out of tent
>Maybe I can find an infraction severe enough to justify an execution
>Or at least a good lashing
I wonder how a grot knows what eldar breasts look like?
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anon, I have bad news for you.
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>Be me, original Guardsman
>fuck it. just call me Constantine
>Be designated freshling trainer
>essentially I just tell them what they should and shouldn't do
>most of the catachan don't even listen
>because these knowbetters just think that there is nothing that could kill them on this planet
>mfw I see some krieger in a black coat
>mfw he says that it is night camo
>mfw he is on the day side of a tidally locked planet
>well his brain is propably toast
>back to teaching the catachan abot the wildlife
>just as I start talking about the sanguinala tree worm some native postman Interrupts me
>gives me a letter from my wife
Constantine blah-blah please take my father with you blah-blah pointy ears blah-blah "ancient evil" on the night side blah-blah I'm scared blah-blah arthurs fifth birthday blah-blah
>this shit looks serious
>I should go and talk to my father-in-law/commissar...
Wouldn't the Orks just make those sand robots from Spongebob?
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>I miss Krieg
Can someone more tech savvy than me put an 'I miss Krieg' line underneath pic related?
Also, someone give that poor Krieger a box, some bayonets and a new shovel. I don't care if it's against regulations, that bastard needs a reminder of home.
Shut up guardsman, you'll give those greenskins ideas! Its bad enough that they have the Flex Seal STC, we don't need them making literal sand Gargants or anything like that.
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You're doing the God-Emperor's work anon.
>be me, Krieger
>night camo isnt working at all, aside from making me confortably hot and somewhat stylis- tactically superior on night enviorment
>confort is heresy tho, I should take my mask off to let some natural cooling occur
>well, its not like we cant take it off, but no one does, is it a unspoken law? Breaking the law is completely unacceptable so I'll keep it for now
>the original guardsman is giving me dirty looks, does he know that I... commited heresy?
>I ignore him from now and finish cleaning my guns, what is that I'm supposed to say again? Oh, yes
>"Pray the omnissiah"
>Sounds heretic, but that guy is the Emprah so it should be fine and if the gun keeps working that way then I cant complain
>Nothing to do, cant even dig some trenches to pass time and build strategic points
>The commissar is algo went bollocks, he's pretty trigger happy and probably will kill some guys sooner or later
>Completely unacceptable, wasting human forces like that, shooting their hands should do the work, just like in home
>I miss krieg
> Be me
> Black Templar Sword brother stranded on a derelict dark eldar ship.
> motherfucking xenos tried to kidnap people from the planet we were stationed on.
> mfw they took my body on board
> mfw they didn't know I was still alive.
> be cocooned in hibernation as the ship floats around in space.
> lovetheseorgans.spessmahreen
> ship begins to speed up.
> wait wut.
> five minutes later the ship slams into something.
> cocoon goes flying around and hits something.
> loudclangingnoises.vox
> okay shit everything hurts.
> irrelevant.
> now then.....
> where the fuck am I?
>Be Scout Guardsman Jafari
>Currently scouting ahead of guardsman base, watching greenskin engineers working on something in the distance
>Mostly just doing it to keep away from crazy commissar and his executioner's nest of sand vipers
>An Ork engineer suddenly brings out a steel boat
>Wait, where did he get that?
>We're on the desert side of a tidally locked planet!
>Rub eyes and look again to make sure I'm not hallucinating
>Now the Ork's sawing it in half
>Watches Ork engineer bring out some huge black tape and start taping the boat back together
>that greenskin really thinks he's going to fix a boat with just tape
>jaw drops open as greenskin proceeds to stick a jet engine on the back and starts riding around on the sand dunes
>What is this magical black tape, and where can I get some?
>Cogboys be damned, that shit is amazing!
>watching humies through me gitfinda
Can I get a gitfinda from github?
> be me black templar
> stumble out of the ship
> crack my neck and stumble slightly.
> how undignified.
> if the chaplain saw me now...
> finally get my bearings.
> now then, where do I get some more ammo for my bolt gun?
> I need something besides this power sword after all.
> look out and see nothing but desert.
> fuck my life.

>Be me, Catachan ABhuman
>be learning about the planet from some local guardsman
>normaly I would just have ignored any sort of advice
>but the fact that we keep falling into quicksand and or get killed by the local fauna made me reconsider my life choices
>the guy says something about not getting overheated like the krieger over there
>the krieger desperately needs some help asap
>first lesson is about some sanguinala tree worm
>does not sound dangerous but I fear that this is just black humor
>our teacher gets a letter from his wife
>the guy is apparently married with the commissars daughter
>do we talk about the same one?
>that one who one of us slapped in the ass and then got executed?
>and why the fuck did she send him a letter
>I saw her two days ago
>maybe she was just visiting the frontline or something
>hear the commissar shout "BLAM"
>see a crossbow bolt hitting the guy next to me who was trashtalking his daughter
>well now all of my bros from the first deployment are dead
>time to make a new drinking buddy
>ask the krieger if he wants to hone his knife throwing skills
Wanna throw some bayonets at greenskins?
>Be me.
>Be Overlord Addathes looking for a new homeworld.
>Old one got wrecked, shame.
>Tailing black hardcase ships around, notice one crash down on some desert planet.
>Scans show fleshies with minimal high tech armaments.
>Decide to make it sporting, tell warriors to get the ceremonial gear.
>Get dressed in “period accurate” gear, get squad together, head down.
>Sands a problem, but I think it’s good enough.
>Order fortifications to be built planetside for colonization.

>Be Commissar Alice Lone
>Listening to local guardsman teaching us about wildlife
>By the God-Emperor this place sounds like a living hell
>Why the fuck did the Munitorum send me here?
>notice Catachans aren't paying attention
>Well at least they're HERE, unlike the Valhallans, who are still at the crash site blasting some weird music they call 'hardbass'
>The Felinids are already grumbling about the sand getting everywhere
>Could be worse. At least we don't have to do deploy to the night side of the planet yet
>I'd probably freeze to death without my coat
>Be me, Krieger
>this Catachan came to me and asked me something that I didn't quite hear
>something about lovely bayonets and greenskins
>my mask is full of sand, sounds are muffled I can't speak 'cause my hose is full of that fucking thing
>I can't even speak 'cause my hose is full of that fucking thing and speaking will get me a mouthfull of it
>well, guess I'll have to do it, may the Emperor forgive me for showing my face in public
>I take the mask off, leaving it hanging on my neck
>pale as fuck and the sun feels like a thousand needles on my skin, its the first time seeing this thing without lenses and it sucks-ass
>this guy looks like a mountain of muscles, which isnt a surprise since he's in front of a teenager
da fuck you want? greenskins? yeah, there's one sawing a boat right there, we can kill it to pass some time
>feels weird to speak without my mask, I want to put it back
>feels weird to be without my mask, sand is the worst enemy of a Kriger I'll teel ya
>atleast the commissar didnt saw me with her coat yet, being BLAM'ed would be better than having to deal with sand
>but my life is to be used for the Emperor and only him can kill me
>still... I miss Krieg
And behold gentlemen, we have discovered the true fear of all Black Templars. Being completely alone in a wasteland with nothing to purge for the Emperor.
>stopped using lasguns and started using bows instead
absolutely heretical
>whining about using bows instead of lasguns
At least they aren't down to two sticks and a rock for the whole platoon.
>Be me, Catachan ABhuman
>good Emprah does this kid have a pale skin
>he better put his gasmask back on before his face gets 3rd degree burns
>take some better looking gasmask from some dead krieger and give it to him
>he is in no state to fight the orks
>needs to build up some muscle
>need to find an alternative for combat
>what do kriegers like...
>dying for the emperor, gas masks, bayonetes, digging trenches
>I have an idea
>go and find some empty sandbags
>this should be a good substitute for digging trenches
>give him a shovel
Change of plans, we are building fortifications.
Make good use of that shovel and fill these bags with sand.
>Be me, Krieger
>this guy has show more compassion to me than anyone else in this universe
>I would say more than my parents but my mother is an artificial womb and I'm a clone of my father
>the guy gave me a shovel
That's nice of ya, but isn't compassion a heretical act?
>well, whatever
>put on the mask he gave me, some blood and brain mass here and there but it feels like home
>filling bags with sand prove to be specially "fun"
>making this thing into useful assets to the empire and exiling it to a place where they won't bother me
>the first part is kinda dubious since ork weaponry will pass trough this and whatever is standing behind it
>whatever, closest thing to trenches we have rn
>and its really easy
>easier than carrying my dead companions on the battle field so we can retrieve their equipment and burn their bodies so:
>Nurgle forces don't turn then in zombies to fight against us
>or the nids eating their bodies and turn their biomass in more man-eating bugs
>or the khornates dont turn their dead bodies in skulls for the skill throne or blood for the blood god
>or so the daemonetts dont fuck their corpses
>easier than having to deal with commissars ordering us to retreat
>or being anywhere the radiation levels isn't lethal
>its fun too, but thats heretical thinking
>Still miss Krieg
Rolled 7, 2 = 9 (2d8)

>Be local commissar
>Put my son-in-law in charge of teaching new comers about the dangers of this planet
>About 200 dead or missing yesterday from natural hazards, and another 300 are in the infirmary
>If anything gets to kill these morons it is me
>Had to go back to using crossbow again, still no sign of the ammo for my bolt pistol
>Some idiot Catachan is looking at a pornoslate of my daughter right next to me
>BLAM him
>Honestly, how stupid can you get, I have been standing here for the past 10 minutes watching the presentation
>I wasn’t even looking for people to BLAM
>Notice son-in-law is reading letter instead of presenting
>Bastard is lucky that his is married to my daughter
>Also one of the few competent guardsmen left on the planet
>He finishes reading, looks up, makes eye contact, and heads over my way
>Well isn’t that interesting…….
I said eldar breasts
It is not like the typical grot encounters lots of topless eldar females
> be me, black templar stranded on this hellhole
> there. is. nothing.
> of all the planets I could have landed on, I landed on the most barren rock in the fucking imperium.
> emperorwhy.lament
> continue marching through the wasteland.
> I'll find something eventually.... right?
>Be local commissar
>Read letter
Blah-Blah-Blah-Inquisitor demands IG aid fighting ancient evil on far side of planet
Blah-Blah-Blah-sending airlift in two hours
Blah-Blah-Blah-Apparently that is also where the rest of the eldar ended up
Blah-Blah-Blah-Boring personal stuff
>March over to podium to get everyone’s attention
>Fire bolt gun into air (Actually just yell BLAM repeatedly while pointing finger in air)
Alright you morons, new orders!
We have been ordered to redeploy to the night side of the planet
Airlift is in two hours
Only enough space for 200 men
Officers, gather your best men
Captain Prissy, you are in charge of the camp until we get back
That is all
Move it people!!!!!!
>Make more BLAMMING noises
>Everyone scrambles to pretend they are doing something
> be me, ex chaplain Marietta Alfred,
> see my lord dressed in what he calls "period accurate gear"
> oh throne that's horrid
> sigh and hold an umbrella open over him
> he'll overheat if he stays in the sun too long.
> and for heaven's sake sire, take that ridiculous abomination off of you chin.
>be me, Krieger
>finished filling enough sacks of sand to actually build some solid and effective defense
>enough to stand direct fire from a small WAAAAGH!! for 3 whole minutes!
>but that's for another time as the commissar actually did something useful for once instead of killing a couple dozen soldiers
>my night camo will actually have tactical use, unbeliavabl- just as planned
>scram to my tent, "my" since my whole platoon is either dead or dying in the quicksand
>take a quick look trough their equipment, sort what is useful and what will be useful after the first part lose their usefulness
>End up with flak armor below my dark, stylish camo coat, one chain sword, one hellgun and one meltagun. Aside from loads of explosives
>and, obviously, my shovel and 3 bayonets
>technically a Granadier at this point
>With more style, sure
>Now I'll just wait in the supply crate 'till we're sent to our eminent death
>I miss Krieg, but no that much... For now
>Right hand woman looking over my ancient nekeharan phaeron gear.
>Wait no she isn’t.
>Eh, who cares. Certainly I don’t.
>Oversee construction of reanimation chambers in the shade.
>Loving my job right now.
Necrontyr, not nekeharan. Feel free to insult me for my idiocy.
>Be Commissar Alice Lone
>So apparently we're all heading to the night side of the planet
>The night side?
>As in
>the cold, frozen hellhole side
>And I'm stuck here with just a tanktop, pants and commissar's hat to my name?
>Go back to wrecked troop ship to sulk in the shade without getting sunburned to death
>I can't even use my 'assets' to blow my way out of this because the other commissar's a complete headcase
>Maybe I can steal some clothes from the Eldar when we get there
>Knife eared bastards have cloaks or something right?
> be Marietta Alfred
> sigh as my lord refuses to take off that RIDICULOUS OUTFIT.
> the pimp getup was better than this one.
> longstorydontask.ptsd
> follow my lord, folding the umbrella once we get inside.
> ensuring all goes according to plan.
> hmmm.... I wonder if any other imperials are around.
> some of them may be.... less than welcoming.
> honordebtsareabitch.lament
> I wish I was still an astartes... That'd at the very least make my job easier.
> I suppose I'll use my usual "persuasion tactics" if they show up.
> hopefully this planet isn't a complete clusterfuck like the last two..... or twenty.
>"I wish I was still an Astartes"
>is named Marietta Alfred
>Serving a clearly loony Necron Lord
I wasn't on that story thread, but read the 1d4chan page afterwards, clearly I missed a good one
>Be local commissar
>Standing by landing area with the best 200 troopers that could be culled from this rabble:
>A couple of Cadians and/or soldiers from regiments that wear Cadia pattern armor
>A few Catachans – dangerously underdressed
>Commissar Lone – dangerously underdressed
>Surprisingly few Valhallans considering we are going somewhere cold – apparently, they are all still by the crashed shuttle drinking hard liquor, and mourning something called the “hardbass crusade”. Lucky for them I didn’t know they were there until just now
>Most of the long-term vets of this world obviously – some are still using bows
>Way too many cat mutants – can’t we do better than them?
>A few Krieg – armed to the teeth
>Scattering of men and women from other backgrounds
>Bunch of Valkyries show up, plus a few other flyers
>I guess this is our ride
>Be me, Krieger
>looks like this is it
>we're going straight for our iminent doom
>we have some actually competent people
>some drunkards that looks like they can pack a mean punch
>some Cadians, we're not against chaos but they look alright
>some natives, they have these "bows", probably won't do much, but they will serve as body walls
>some air reinforcments, kinda surprising
>and... Furries, lots of 'em, if they were in mating season we could just let them fuck the enemies and hope some Slaneesh's Spanws came to help
>and Commissar Lone – dangerously underdressed
>We'll die, that's for sure
>But we may survive a couple minutes, even half an hour!
>Let's die for the Emperor
>Atlast, I don't miss Krieg
>Be Trooper Fluffy, abhuman, Buctoo Survivors
>Sitting in Valkyrie
>Apparently I am one of the 200 best
>I am pretty sure it is just because I am one of the few guardsmen Commissar Lone recognizes by sight though
>Sitting across from Lone, Lieutenant Johanna Biddensworth, and some Catachan woman I don’t recognize
>All are wearing tanktops……
>And it is getting pretty chilly in here…….
>And I am still wearing my sun goggles….
>Decide to have a bit of fun since I am probably going to die soon anyways
>The Catachan probably has the biggest ones, but they are a bit lopsided
>Lone’s are also unusually big, and well rounded, maybe getting a bit soft though, hard to tell when she is wearing a tight tank top
>The LT is the smallest, but still quite large, probably had work done, being a noble and all….also they look quite firm, and perky, very perky
>Can’t decide whether I like Lone’s or the LT’s more
>They need to move around more
>Maybe if we got a bit of turbulence…………
This is the pilot speaking, sensors indicate we are hitting moderate turbulence in 30 seconds
>Wonder if the Krieger and the Catachan sitting on either side of me are also enjoying this…..
>Be Lieutenant Johanna Biddensworth
>Regret stowing that fur coat I stole of that drunk Valhallan
>It is way colder now than in the desert
>Apparently Valkyries don’t have much heating
>Naturally everyone sitting across from me is male, and either wearing goggles or masks
>Briefly consider crossing arms across chest
>But don’t want to seem self conscious
>And now we are hitting some turbulence………
>Be local commissar
>Arrive at destination
>Some sort of massive pyramid with small camp next to it
>See a few eldar and inquisitional personnel hanging around
>But clearly there were much more people here up until recently
>Guardsmen by the look of the tents
>I think I know where this is going……
>Be Commissar Alice Lone
>Be stuck on Valkyrie next to LT Biddensworth, currently trying not to freeze
>Really wish I had some fur like that cute Felinid sitting across from me to keep me warm right about now
>Should probably reprimand the troopers for staring at me and the Lt like a bunch of perverts
>Too cold to really bother right now
>And now there's turbulence and my bust is shaking in my top
>I know I shouldn't be embarrassed about that, but damn it, I did not expect my first day as a commissar to be so miserable!
>Be me, Krieger
>It's pretty cold, remind me of the tunnels I would sleep in my training drills
>The furry actually know how to pilot, or he took some classes with Harlequins 'cause it's pretty convincing
>Three woman dangerously underdressed are sitting with us
>Wait, one is a Catachan so it's only two dangerously underdressed woman
>Their body has lots of fat, they should be fine, but why tho? There's no tactical advantage, women from Krieg are fit and slim so they can wear generic equipment
>Their muscles are more... No, this is herectical thinking
>This turbulence is exactly what I need to distract myself from their tactical inaptitude
>They made me miss Krieg, again
>Be local commissar
>Talking to lead inquisitorial staff on site
>Apparently they need our help to find some sort of master chamber in the pyramid
>But the pyramid is a complete maze of branching side passages
>Start asking some questions:
>What have people found in there so far – CLASSIFIED
>What happened to the people who went in before us – CLASSIFIED
>What does the master chamber look like - You will recognize it when you see it
>Who built that thing – CLASSIFIED
>Suspicion that this is a suicide mission is confirmed
>Apparently, they just want us to walk in there blind, and start splitting up until someone finds something interesting and reports it back to the camp
>Sounds like my kind of mission
>Be me, Krieger
>Denied us of valuable info, smells like teen spir- heresy
>Doesn't matter to be quite honest
>If they're chaos = we dead
>If this thing is chaos = we dead
>If this thing is Necron = death would be nice
>The Commissar, she looks especially useless without equipment
>The LT looks like she knows her shit, but her equipment is under the recomended
>The Catachan will do better alone, they know how to be quiet and shit
>Furry... Out of question
>Well, I'll go alone, If any of them follow me I'll just roll with it
>Here goes nothing
FYI, I have no idea what OP wanted us to find on the dark side of the planet, I improvised the pyramid. It is really big, and probably has portals leading elsewhere, so feel free to introduce literally any opponent or obstacle you can think of, I will keep improvising for now until OP returns
A.Loneposter here. I'll be heading out for work soon, so try not break the planet while I'm gone!
well, fuck me sideway I have no fucking idea too, I'll wait the other girls (well, guys to be precise) some more, if there's no response I'll try to improvise something, too
>Be Trooper Fluffy, abhuman, Buctoo Survivors
>As the group gets smaller and smaller each time we reach a split in the pathway, decide to stick with the Krieger
>He clearly knows what he is doing
>Also, I think we shared a bit of a moment back on the Valkyrie
>Three split passages later, have no idea where we are, or how to get back
>Suddenly run into the LT and a big Catachan she evidently partnered up with
>What the hell!!
>They took a left branching pathway 10 minutes ago, and we have been sticking right ever since
>Brain gets jumbled as try to figure out how that is physically possible
>Suddenly hear screaming and gunfire from down another passage
Hey guys, m-m-maybe we should go the other way?
>Be me, Krieger
>A big fucken maze, luckly my years of experience of trench warfare in literally continental spawing trenches gave me some experience with those things
>not much, since its layout is a fucking mess, well, not to the necrontyr that design this piece of shit, but for a measle Krieger it fucking is
If there's gunfire it's the right way
>I give the furry my meltagun and follow the screams and gunfire
>reminds me of home
>Oh well, good news! this isn't a necron shared bedroom, not completely that's to be sure
>How I know this?
>Well, this twelve-foot tall two headed bird-like creature is a dead give in, but I may be wrong
>Luckly the corridors are quite useful with its sharp curves as this bolt of warp energy would've made me a deformed mass of flesh, like the wall that turned into tar
>Well, its not only this thing that I have to worry about, it has an army of little fucklings too
>Oh, and Canoptek Scarabs too, so IT IS a necrontyr tomb them, what a breeze
>I hope the four frag-granades that I left before taking cover did any actual damage
>Be Lieutenant Johanna Biddensworth
>Not really thrilled about going towards sound of gunfire
>But as the big Catachan goes lumbering off towards it behind the Krieger and the catman, decide they is my best bet in getting out of this place alive
>Enter room where gun fire was coming from
>Empty, except a trooper hanging from his neck from the ceiling, and assorted body parts on floor
>Correction, the trooper is embedded in the ceiling from the neck up, and the body parts are limbs sticking out of the floor
>Seems like they are seamlessly merged together
>Like a teleporter accident or something
>Even worse, they are still twitching
>Hear unearthly laughter coming from somewhere
>Desire to be elsewhere intensifies greatly
>Realise I am in room alone
>Somehow got split up from the other three despite charging down the same corridor
>Sense that I am not actually alone
>I hate this planet
>Be Trooper Fluffy, abhuman, Buctoo Survivors
>Krieger gives me his meltagun
>Follow him down corridor at safe distance
>Where did the Catachan and the LT go?
>Come to big chamber
>Full of metal things, and other things
>Necrons and daemons maybe?
>Or just necrons?
>Honestly don’t know anything about either
>Glance over at Krieger
>I hope you have a plan
Don't... Stand in there, move!
>I take his arm and his body out of the explosion range
>He's lucky, they? Not so much
>The fireball bathed their corpses in cleansening rage, ripping through meat and metal alike and the sharpnels only increased the bloodbath
>Well... We got them off our asses, but they will fuck us after they're done with themselves
>I just open fire at the bigger one, raining death without prejudice from my hellgun which burned and melted my hands as it overheated with the sheer amount of shoots
>His meltagun should be enough to wipe out the smallers ones
>Or so I hope, 'cause otherwise we're good as dead
>Be Trooper Fluffy, abhuman, Buctoo Survivors
>Picking off the small metal things with my meltagun since they are closer to me
>Have vague notion that a weapon designed to melt through tanks may be more useful against the larger targets
>Would rather shoot at things that pose a more immediate risk to me though
>Taking one for the team is not my style
>Not sure how many shots a meltagun has, but if this thing runs out of ammo, I am out of here
>Be Captain Priscilla Von Hansburg, 4th Baroness of Bluven
>Hanging out back at the desert camp
>With a bunch of useless fresh recruits, some wounded/incapacitated soldiers, assorted support personnel, and some more experienced troops that had the sense to lie low when they were gathering troops for the trip to the dark side of the planet
>No commissars
>No officers other than myself
>Living the dream
>Ordered everyone to take the day off
>Everyone is partying and getting drunk off their asses
>Execution pit was filled with sand and is now being used as a volleyball court
>Almost no one has died since the commissar left with those other idiots on the suicide mission
>That wilderness survival course the commissar’s son-in-law gave was surprisingly useful
>Currently sunbathing in a homemade lawn chair next to volleyball court
>We have had good cloud cover for most of the day, so both the intensity of the sun, and the temperature are surprisingly pleasant if you are (un)dressed for it
>Reading “romance novel”
>Sipping surprisingly good drink made from watered down liquor and freshly squeezed fruit
>Spot badly wounded Krieger looking at me judgingly from the other side of the volleyball court
>Fuck you bitch, the shit that happened to me in that ice cave on the last planet, makes even your homeworld seem like paradise
>The IG owes me a long vacation
>And if anyone attacks the base, well it is not like anyone left will put up much of a fight anyways
>And the pilot of the last remaining shuttle in camp owes me a few favors
>Be Junior Clerk Farena Seven, Stalinvast 104th, commissar’s adjutant
>Still at desert camp
>Still in charge of daily casualty report
>Aside from some medical personnel and cogboys, one of few people at the desert camp who did not “get the day off”
>Everyone is partying hard except for me
>Had to create new category “Misadventure”
>Skim through first page looking for errors, despite being pretty sure no one will ever read it aside from me
8 dead, 68 wounded – Misadventure
???? missing – no one is keeping track of who is here anymore, though there have been rumors of people not being seen for a while, probably just quicksand……..
34 dead – from injuries incurred prior to today
5 dead – executed by the commissar dumb nuts – may he never return from his mission
4 dead – sand viper bites
Details For Misadventure:
Tina Freely (Timbuktoo) – chemical burns to chest, apparently as part of a prank involving adding battery acid to her suntan lotion, known fondness for topless sunbathing
“Febeka Farni” (Unknown) – twisted ankle falling down hole – also crossbow bolt in shoulder – looks suspiciously like Rebekka Fathi, the adjutant that got executed a while back, but claims not to be, not like anyone cares anymore anyways
Boris Spetnin (Valhallan) – alcohol poisoning
Albuh Nassim (Tallarn) – deceased, urinated on uninsulated electrical wiring
Trec Knowle and Ghelli Li (Stalinvans) – non-fatal stab wounds from brawl over pornoslate (staring guess who….)
Juster Clint (Harvest) – deceased, urinated on sand viper, apparently on bet
Catnip (Carlos McConell) – Apparently overdosed on the substance for which she is named, spent last five hours rolling on ground while drooling and purring
“Iron Gut” Thompson (Catachan) – alcohol poisoning, apparently outdrank three Valhallans, one after the other, then went into coma
Natasha Olbsk, Ivan Ivanson, Anton Dru-something (Valhallans) – alcohol poisoning, see above
Kitty (Carlos McConell) – Concussion from trying to backflip off of landing craft
Patricia Fenn (Stalinvan) – sprained wrist playing volleyball
Bobby Billie (Harvest) – Hit in eye with tent pole while “jousting”
>etc, etc, etc
>Almost makes me wish the commissar was back
>Be me, Alpharius.
>Not actually alpharius, but you get it.
>Currently infiltrating grosynchronatic planet in middle of nowhere.
>Think it's literally called "Timbuktu".
>Been asked to by my boss, no other specifics.
>Can't be bothered with this. This mission seems silly.
>Standard practice is to infiltrate as loyalist astartes, gain respect.
>Nah, that's boring as all hell. Done that at least forty thousand times already.
>I'm gonna literally rock up to their main camp, in the middle of a desert, and pretend to be a new recruit, and work my way through it with bluffing and prize-Bull-groxshit.
>Might as well make it a challenge.
>Just sad I won't be able to wear my armour.
>Be me, Alpharius.
>Realised when the lander clogged with sand as soon as I set it to atmospheric flight, that maybe bringing my armour would have been a bad idea.
>Also crashed the lander, but that's nothing particularly major, just my last shred of pride.
>Managed to act like a good person and not crash the lighter into the camp of the side I'm supposed to be on.
>Managed to crawl out the pilot window in an act of incredible contortion.
>Literally only in Ogryn sized fatigues, nothing else. Everything else is in the crashed lighter that's half buried in the sand.
>Aaand now it's on fire.
>Bonus, bout half a kilometre from the camp.
>That saves a lot of pain.
>Enhanced vision picks out camp as I go.
>Is this the right camp? They all seem to be partying?
>Oh wait, there's a Krieger building fortifications.
>No, they're just laxer then... I don't want to finish that.
>What have I gotten myself into?

>Be Guardsman Constantine
>walking through this maze with my father-in-law/commissar
>using strings to mark the path
>this shit screams necron design
>but the shit inside does not add up
>two headed bird creature statues
>found a red astartes pauldron with something resembling a sun
>physics breaking and reality bending architecture
>this is necron design no doubt
>everything seems abandoned
>with the exception of the bullshit architecture most of the tech is shut down
>would be knee deep in necrons if it wasn't the case
>hear gunfire
>run to check WTF is going on
>its one of those bird creatures but bigger
>our troops are getting slaughtered
>commissar says something about not dying like idiots
>says that he is going to execute everyone who dies like an idiot
>orders tactical retreat to the exit
>you know if my father-in-law/commissar orders a tactical retreat shit REALY got serious
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>Be Mildred Katalina
>Felinid Medicae in this clusterfuck of a regiment called the Buctoo survivors
>Stuck on this new tidally locked hellhole of a planet on the desert side back at base camp
>No, I'm not a god-emperor damn furry and the next person nwho mistakes me for hte Felinid furry-subtype is going to get a sand viper colonoscopy.
>Still pissy at that bimbo slut Commissar Svenja who was in charge of the regiment during the timbuktu debacle
>That skank got promoted to 'Lord Commissar' and took the cute felinid lieutenant with her when she transferred out to somewhere on the Eastern Fringe
>At least this new Commissar Alice Lone isn't half as bad as that horny bitch Svenja
>She's waaay out of her depth though
>reading the casualty report to get a better measure of the 'local commissar' for comparison and trying to make sure the rest of the idiots don't kill themselves while partying.
>I can't believe this guy is making me miss that damn commislut. At least she wasn't trying to blam someone every two seconds.
>She just wanted to get blammed in her hoo-hah by the men's... "weapons" 24/7.
Didn't you run off with some Tau Fire Warrior back on Timbuktoo?

>Be me, Catachan ABhuman
>fighting some giant blue chicken with two heads
>better take the krieger with me before he does something stupid
>commissar orders us to retreat
>but of course it's no normal retreat
>it's a fighting retreat
>guardsmen from other corridors start to flow in
>we allow ourselves to get slowly pushed back towards the exit
>slowly as in commissar walking speed
>of course we are getting butchered on our way out
>the commissar keeps killing everything in the vague shape of a guardsman with his crossbow
>walking too fast? *BLAM* executed for cowardice
>walking too slow? *BLAM* executed for treachery
>he might have sent several bolts into the enemy on occasion
>not entirely sure if it was realy him or some local guardsman with a bow
>when we finally get out the eldar and inquisition take it from there
>get my catachan cigars and light them up with the use of a flamer to celebrate
trust me, you REALLY didn't
[spoilers] fucking nicedaemonette and his fucking feminization fetish [/spoilers]
> be me, chaplainette Alfred,
> by jove what is all of this ruckus?
> look outside to see...
> oh bother, imperials.
> hmm.... let's see.
> politely sip tea
> that's the good stuff.
> some guardsmen, catachans ugh.
> barbarians.rude
> a.... krieger, some guardsmen.
> is.... that a felinid with a night lords sticker on the back of her helmet?
> what the fuck?
> herchoiceisuppose.politeignorance
> normally I wouldn't bother speaking with . them.
> inquisitors are an awfully tempermental lot.
> but they're camped outside of my lord's secondary temple.
> something about it being "too fucking hot" on the other side.
> you're a robot, how would you tell if it's too hot unless you started overheating?
> buthedoeshaveafewscrewsloose.sipstea
> hmmm....
> I suppose I should do something about this
> maybe
> relax my hand on the head of my crozius cane.
> once the tea is done.
> it's such a crime to waste tea.
> especially tea such as this.
> I still recall picking it up with my lord during the spot of bother on That one world that shall not be named.
> poorshopowner.feelsbad
> I do hope that man managed to get away.
> he carried such a great collection of tea and books.
> dip crumpit in tea.
> I'll see what they do for now.
> no need to be rude, they've been in the sun far longer than we have.
> but still though....
> would it kill them to NOT set up camp on top of where the flayed ones are sleeping?
> we just got those lads back in working order.
> and it's terribly rude to interrupt someone's nap.

>Be Cadian
>had my leg burned in molten glass
>now have to go to our furry medicae
>get given colonoscopy for some reason
>*die because of sand viper bites in the rectum*
>Be black templar chaplain
>on thunder hawk with small squad
>We were exiled from them
>now just cruise around fighting shit
>see some tidal locked world
>with distress beacon
>could be trap
>land were it is seems to be some kind of beech party
>by the emperor
>land and start having a good time
>i need this
>see felinid healer
>go to talk to her
>Be me.
>Be chilling overlord.
>My right hand woman insists on a daily tea time, so I obliged.
>See fleshies loitering near my shit.
>Throw a rock at them to get them to fuck off.
> be me
> be sitting properly next to my lord in a larger chair.
> makingamazonslooklikechildren.muscles
> politely sip my tea and watch my lord throw a rock at the intruders.
> wait wut?
> A rock?
> really?
> you might as well be a baboon flinging your feces. Have some dignity!
> after all, a proper greeting for someone trespassing in your domicile is to fire a warning shot.
> For heaven's sake you're a necron.
> take a sip of my tea.
> satisfaction.sigh
> Sigh and look at the motley band of guardsmen gearing up to enter the maze of corridors
> do they not see the sign?
> takeahint.ruffians
>be candlemas hating dark eldar
>be brought back from the dead
>be a lot happier candlemas is over
>be sent to some planet to capture more slaves
>suddenly stairs
>falls down several flights of stairs dying in the process
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>be sanguinala tree worm
>mfw filterfeading
>catch the occasional insect
>notice the presence of bigger prey
>the "inteligent"' variety
>relase pheromones and start glowing
>prey gets closer
>prey gets stuck in my "tree" part
>pull the prey into the chamber filled with gastric acid

>Be Commissar Alice Lone
>Firing my bolt pistol like crazy in order to keep myself from being Necron'd
>First day on the job and I'm already miserable
>local commissar's ordering a retreat
>about fucking team
>Fuck I'm cold
>see Trooper Fluffy retreating
>grab him by the collar and drag him to safety
>By the god emperor
>His fur is so WARM
>relax slightly when we make back to the base camp and keep my arms wrapped around Trooper Fluffy, trying to use his body heat and fur to keep myself warm
> be me marietta,
> alright fuck this.
> damn idiots are just going to bring more of them if they keep shooting.
> notice two separate from the group.
> ah kettle is done.
> decide to bring it with me on silver platter.
> hold it on fingertips.
> perfectpoise.manners
> look down at the commissar hugging the felinid.
> by jove what is this tomfoolery?!
> why is she so underdressed?!
> why is she hugging a felinid?!
> and why is a commissar of all people retreating.
> nevermind
> look down at the two of them.
Good evening, may I ask why you have decided to so rudely break into my lord's home?
>be chaplain
>this felind is tells me of some dudes that might need help on the frozen side
>hop back on my thunder hawk with squad go to giant fuck pyramid
>hop in my terminator armor with light claws
>squad decides to hold pyramid perimeter
>go in and see group of retreat guard
>yell out "RUN I'LL HOLD THEM OFF"
>overestimate necrons and teleport closer to entrance and book it
> be me
> lost black templar
> how long have I been walking?
> does the sun EVER set on this emperor forsaken planet?!
> loyalistgrumbling.vox
> am I talking to myself?
> oh throne I've been on my own for too damn long.
> Wait.... is that?
> holy shit.
> okay, contain yourself, remember, you're an astarte, act natural.
> stroll into camp.
> look and see someone sunbathing.
> huh.... she looks like she's in charge...
> might as well ask her.
> walk up to her.
> block her light to get her to notice me.
Pardon me ma'am, but do you know what planet this is?
>The fleshies still haven’t left.
>Fuck the rocks, grab a bow.
>Shoot an arrow near the one with the big ass hat.
>She has to be important if she amassed this much swag.

>Be me, Guardsman Constantine
>was retreating from some big blue mutant bird thing
>now we are under attack from the necrons
>for some reason the big blue mutant bird is gone
>the Inquisitor breaths heavier than your average necron at this point
>and speaking of necrons
>have protect the other commissar and some felinid from a necron
>the cron gets a bow
>shoots an arrow past the commissar
>my father-in-law sees this and executes some guardsman who was standing remoteley close to her for "failing to protect an member of the commissariat"
>shoot some arrows at the cron
>attention diverted to me
>attention diverted away from me because some other necron trying to look like like a dune cobra with a dick hanging from the chin appeared
>Finally manage to elicit a response.
>Tell them in as many words to fuck off on pain of getting a khopesh up the ass.
>Grab said khopesh and point it menacingly.
>Tell that one lord that tries to confuse everyone about wether he’s me or I’m him to fuck right off since I have this handled.
>He does.

>Be Mildred Katalina
>Just got done burying the Cadian who called me a furry
>Well, not really buried so much as "dumped in the nearest batch of quicksand I could find"
>Deathworlds are good for something after all
>Who knew?
>Will list this casualty as "died after a Sand viper slithered up his asshole while he using the latrine"
>Just bullshit enough to work
>Should probably put a sign saying "no, the medicae is not a furry" on the outside of the medicae tent
>I bet the other non-furry felinid girls like Leona and Natsuki don't have to put up with getting called furries
>Black Templar Chaplain enters the tent
>ears flatten against head in fear
>Quickly inform him that the majority of the guardsmen are on the dark, frozen side of the planet in the hope he won't kill me for not being a purestrain human
>this works
>I...I think I need a drink

>Be Commissar Alice Lone
>Suddenly approached by a... giant woman in astartes armor?
>Stare open-mouthed in disbelief
>struggle to process her question
"Your... lord? I... you... what...?"
>Slowly try to scoot back toward where I think the entrance should be, keeping Trooper Fluffy and his meltagun in front of me
>I know I should be a symbol of courage for the Guard, but 'crons and... whatever this person in front of me is, are way above the paygrade for the Guard.
>This is shit for the Inquisition to deal with, not me.
>I don't feel like starting a war for this shithole of a planet with Necrons because I said the wrong thing.
>Spot Necron wearing weird-looking beard thing and headdress
>Weirdo 'cron tells us to piss off
>commissar in me says I should tell him to take that bow and shove it up that shiny metal ass
>but I really REALLY don't want to piss off the giant woman in black space marine armor standing in front of me
>Decide its best to defer to the local commissar and Inquisition on this
>Whisper in Trooper Fluffy's ear
"If anyone asks, I was pulling you out of harm's way in order to preserve the life of a guardsman so you can die for the Emperor later."
>I'm still a commissar I should at least act the part of the brave political officer
>Even if it's just on paper and a complete farce at the moment
>Flex Seal
So... any bets on how long it'll take for the Mechanicus to show up in full seagull mode and trying to take what's blatantly an stc from this xenos scum?
>They still haven’t moved.
>Decide threats aren’t working.
>Time to turn on that old ‘crontyr charm I always had.
>Put down the khopesh, apologize for my overreaction, and invite them to tea.
>Personally make new cups of tea for all of us.
Since the stc is in ork hands on a feudal death-world surrounded by sand
>tidally locked world

Wouldn’t anything worth fighting over be on the habitable twilight band?
Someone get Captain Titus on this shit immediately!
> be me chaplain Marietta
> welp
> gently set tea kettle down on a nearby table.
> remind me to thank my lord for installing those later.
> step forward and grab the barrel of the felinid's meltagun
hold a moment.
> in one smooth motion, bend it upward at a right angle, and then pry it from his hands
> gently set it on the table
Sorry about that.
> make a mental note to fix that later.
> pick up the two ruffians by the scruffs of their necks.
It is rude to ignore someone trying to speak to you. Or would you rather be shot at by my metallic compatriots.
> look over at one of the necrons who holds up a gauss canon glowing with deadly energy.
>See soldiers with gauss cannons out.
>Tell them to put the guns away.
>God dammit we have to make this fair!
>Tell them to use the damn bows instead.
>They shrug and oblige.
>Be freshly promoted administratum worker
>the admechs want space marine support on some backwater they are going to
>they request two chapters
>and here is the problem
>I can't speak high gothic
>need to improvise
>use the names of the Primarchs instead
Adeptus Astartes Corvus Sanguis?
>I think It should pass
>Be Trooper Fluffy, abhuman, Buctoo Survivors
>Meltagun runs out of ammo
>Look at Krieger, well, you are on your own mate
>Book it in opposite direction
>Somehow run into Commissar Lone and make our way out
>Somehow end up cuddling with her for a while outside
>Somehow end up being offered tea by a female (?) space marine
>Then a necron shows up and starts shooting at us with a bow
>Then another necron shows up but the first one tells him to F-off
>Lone uses me as a human shield while backing off to safety
>Says to tell everyone that I was wounded and she was dragging me to safety
>At least we were heading in the right direction for a bit
>Then first necron offers us tea
>His unusual henchwoman wrecks my (empty) meltagun, and man-handles us to a table
>She threatens to have her bow (!!!) wielding necron minions shoot us if we don’t start talking
>Strangely, this whole scenario barely makes the top five weirdest I have found myself in over the past year
>How do I usually survive these again?
>Oh ya, dumb luck and strategic cowardliness
>Decide to play their strange little charade for a bit
Hi, I am Trooper Fluffy
May I have some tea?
>Just hope Commissar Lone doesn’t try anything stupid that gets us killed….
So far we basically know nothing about this world's strategic value except it has orks, an STC, and at least two Necron pyramids
The IG reason for being on the light side of the world has yet to be stated
> be chaplain marietta.
> smile politely at the felinid
Certainly sir.
> step over and pick up the tea kettle.
Now then, to business, my lord has some matters to discuss with you, apologies for the... rather hostile greetings, but normally when we offer someone tea they just shoot at us. The gall I swear.
> sigh and look at my lord
Why must you insist on them using such primitive weapons, it would be much better if we stayed with a consistent theme. Rather than just switching to whatever world we go to.
> shudder in horror at the memory of the bunny outfit.
> I much prefer my current getup thank you.
> I am not wearing bedsheets again
> longstory.ptsd
>The IG reason for being on the light side of the world has yet to be stated
I'mma chalk it up to Imperium bureaucracy deciding to have base on the toasty side of the planet. Because Imperial logistics LOVE dicking over the Guard.
>Be local commissar
>Clearly this place is worse than anything imaginable
>Some sort of Necron Tomb Complex that has been at least partially tainted by the forces of Tzeentch
>Grudgingly realize that we won’t last much longer before being overrun and/or tainted
>Order everyone to return to camp
>Hopefully our reconnaissance mission will tell the Inquisition at least something they didn’t already know
>On way out execute anyone showing signs of cowardliness or possible taint
>Running low on bolts for my crossbow again
>Leaving the complex was surprisingly easy
>Almost like something wanted us to leave……
>In no time at all back at camp providing a report to the Inquisitor
>She listens to me without speaking, then gestures me to leave
>Get outside and see surviving guardsmen, eldar, and inquisitorial personnel standing around like idiots while a bizarre but important looking Necron threatens Commissar Lone
>Start BLAMMING nearby guardsmen and yelling at them to do something
>Alice may be a useless idiot, but protecting members of the Commissariat is a guardsmen’s most important duty
>A few of them finally open fire
>Suddenly everyone stops moving, like they are paralyzed
>Realize can’t move either
“I will handle this from here”
>Instinctively know it is the Inquisitor speaking, even though have never heard her speak before
>See her walk past me, towards the bizarrely dressed Necrons, who are now having tea with Alice and an abhuman.....
>Be Inquisitor Elizabeth Durnham
>Walk over to the table
>Sit down without asking for permission
>Help self to a glass of tea
Marietta my dear, may I call you Marietta?
I believe you are speaking to the wrong lady
Did you really believe the silly little harlot here, and her furry little toy, were in charge?
>Sip tea
You see, I want what is in the middle of that temple
We both know your Lord is not truly in charge of it
Perhaps if we join forces, we can both get what we want
I get my shiny little babble
And you get, I don’t know….
>sip tea again
How about the whole planet?
>Be Commissar Alice Lone
>Things are getting way out of hand
>We're being offered tea by a clearly malfunctioning Necron Lord
>The local commissar's blamming people with crossbow bolts again
>stop it you idiot you're going to get me killed
>And now the Inquisitor showed up
>Well, this is clearly above my paygrade
>Kinda irritated about being called a harlot, but I don't want to get in a catfight with an Inquisitor
>Slowly start to drag Trooper Fluffy away from the table, since the Inquisibitch clearly has things in hand
> be me Chaplain marietta
> chuckle politely.
My dear that is delightful of you to offer.
> she sighs and takes the kettle back.
however... what's to stop us from simply taking everything we want and killing you on the spot? More importantly.
> glareofdeath.controlledrage
you interrupted tea time, scared off our guests and sat down without asking for permission.
> stand to my full height and grab the inquisitor by the throat and pin her arms behind her back.
that.... is very unbecoming of a lady. Allow me to correct your misbehavior.
> squeeze her arms with an iron grip until I hear the crack and crunching of bone breaking.
> politely ask one of the necrons to move the kettle and cups.
> wait for him to do so.
> thatsgoodchina.expensive
> slam her face first into the table breaking it in half.
>Be Trooper Fluffy, abhuman, Buctoo Survivors
>Being served tea by a pretty noblewoman in a fancy dress
>Not sure how I mistook her for a female space marine
>Reality flickers for a bit, and I briefly see a male space marine standing in her place before she resumes being a noblewoman in a dress
>Fuck this place is weird
>Commissar Lone is just sitting there, rigid as a stick
>Noblewoman is asking me why we are using bows
>Honestly have no fugging clue
>Just about to stammer out a response when an Inquisitor shows up out of no where and helps herself to some tea
>Commissar Lone starts slowly dragging me away from the table
>I guess she needs her abhuman shield back
>Better than staying near the table if things start getting violent though…..
>be me, krieger
>kinda blacked out in the amisdt of thing, overcharged with adrenalin and fighting off chaos influence
>still followed then, 'cause only in death duty ends
>regain conscience amisdt a cat fight
>not exactly a fight since it looks one-sided as fuck
>try to recall recent details, aparentely the "Inquisitor" was trying to give the planet to what looks like a Xeno
>It's wrong to think about such things, but for once xenoscum did something useful and beat the living shit out of a traitor
>my hands hurt from being melted
>my head hurts from the recent, literal, mindfuck I received from a Tzeentch spawn
>I miss Krieg
>Well that escalated quick.
>Stand up, yell for everyone to calm the FUCK down.
>Order right hand woman to let the fancy bitch go, and tell everyone to just sit down and drink their tea.
>Sit down and explain yes, as this is a nearly inhospitable planet, I would be willing to work with them and take the rest.
>Order scarabs to come in to help with healing all that bone breakage.
>Explain the reason we’re using bows and khopeshes is due to the fact I want to keep the field level.
>If everyone else only has that shit, who are we to cheat?
> sigh and drop the unsightly woman on the floor.
> she collapses in a heap as scarabs swarm his body.
> somedaysihatelifedebts.depression
> facepalm at this stupidity?
so we can win and finally have a planet to call our own my lord?
>Be Elizabeth Durham
>My offer is clearly about to be rejected
>Crap, that was my one chance to get the artefact before things really start to get bad in this neck of the woods
>But the tainted necron and his minions are clearly too unhinged to be reasoned with
>And my remaining forces do not have the strength to extract the artefact alone
>Try to erect psychic shield to fend his warpspawned henchwoman but already used most of my energy to temporarily paralyze the remaining guardsmen and prevent a blood bath
>Get beat to pulp
>be me, Krieger
>great, the Inquisitor is out and we're out of personnal to beat their asses
>well, fixing bayonets would be the standard for a situation like this
>but there's only me with bayonets, three of them isn't enough to this level of heresy
>I will have to use my brain
>Here goes nothing
She speaks on behalf of the Imperium, but what about the Adeptus Mechanicus? Even if both side fulfill their promises of the trade, that doesn't restrict them from looting you
Their tech is way above what we have here, and your tech is leagues better than what they have
These scarabs? A tech priest soiled his robes just by thinking about having a swarm of them
Your Tomb? The forgeworlds would set aside their petty "fight" just to bring this thing to the ground and examine its contents
So, as long as you promise not killing us (the Commissar will do it anyway) and giving us part of your tech with whatever the higher ups want, we'll say that you're all dead in the report and the tomb was overtook by chaos forces and anything of worth was either destroyed or corrupted
So, what will it be?
>what the fuck
>I'm dead, I'm sure of it
>damn Tzeentch is putting some ideas in my head, this can't be, I barely know how to speak
>I really miss Krieg
>Be Trooper Fluffy, abhuman, Buctoo Survivors
>Getting clear of Ground Zero with Commissar Lone
>Hear something about giving the Necrons the planet
>Fan-Fugging-Tastic!!!! So sick of this world already, maybe next time we get to go someplace nice and quiet
>We get to leave before they get the planet right?
>Do not want to find out what it is like to be subjects of that pack of nutjobs
>Turn around just in time to see the Inquisitor get beat to a pulp by a female necron
>Don’t see noblewoman anymore, realize it is her, wonder if that is what she really looks like
>Necron Lord orders everyone to stand down, accepts Inquisitor’s offer, then starts talking about fairness in using similar weapons
>What is he talking about? Barely anyone is still using bows anymore
>And the Inquisitor is either dead or unconscious, so who is supposed to be accepting his offer?
>Glance at Commissar Lone wondering if she is in charge again
>Suddenly a Krieger starts talking
>Didn’t I abandon you in the Tomb?
>Meanwhile, back at the desert camp, AKA “Camp Party!!!!!!” 800 kilometers away….
>Be Junior Clerk Farena Seven, Stalinvast 104th, commissar’s adjutant
>Collecting data for daily casualty report
>Mildred is insisting that a sand viper slid up a man’s anus on its own accord
>Someone is a bit naïve……
>Add another entry to “Misadventure Column”
Jarrad Foxe (Cadian) – Deceased - Bitten by sand viper lodged in anus – Sexual deviancy suspected
>That was the third one today, may need to get its own category on the summary page
>Not sure why Mildred threw the body in quicksand
>That is a type 1 infraction
>Realize no one in the camp cares
>Decide to mine my own business…..
>Be me.
>Having the time of my life at this party that pretends to be a military camp.
>And considering how long said life has been, that's impressive.
>And I was around to watch the real Alpharius troll the shattered legions, by making them think they were trolling him.
>See black armoured astartes. White cross.
>Oh shit it's the crusading madmen.
>More oh shit, because he may recognise the signs of black carapace implantation, although my variant is older and different to his.
>Fuck I'm gonna have to adapt my story.
>He's wandered over to the sunbathing officer, who looks distinctly non-officer like.
>Or is that just me judging?
>Eh, who cares. Imma go build me a sand castle grand enough to make Dorn jealous.
>third one today

And these Guardsmen have survived against Orks for 15 years how exactly?
>Be Captain Priscilla Von Hansburg, 4th Baroness of Bluven
>Fast asleep
Pardon me ma'am, but do you know what planet this is?
>Wake up
>Severely sunburned
>Why didn’t anyone wake me up sooner?
>Realize there is something massive standing over me
>Emperor’s Mercy, it is another Black Templar
>Mildred mentioned something about them a while back
>Said they were looking for a lost buddy
>Said they went to the dark side of the planet, where the fighting is
>Stammer something out along those lines
>Realize I didn’t answer his original question
>Realize I don’t actually know what the planet is called
>It was probably on the front cover of the briefing packet, but I didn’t read that far
>Luckily he walks off while I try to invent a convincing name
>Painfully limp off to find Mildred and get some pain meds
>Pass a massive brute of a man on way to medical tent
>Enhanced cogboy menial maybe?
>I can figure it out later
>First, pain meds
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> be me Black Templar
> wait was it something I said?
> why is she red?
> fuckit.vox
> follow her
> howlonghaveIbeenhibernating.controlledpanic
> Notice the guardsmen don't have lasguns.
> no lasguns....
> oh throne.
> oh throne no.
> is this a feral world?
> I'm never gonna get back to the chapter at this rate.
Technically almost all the Guardsmen that appear on this thread, including probably all three snake colonoscopy victims, are new comers that arrived 2-3 days ago

Also, everyone important is 800 kilometers away and probably not coming back, so discipline at the desert camp has completely broken down
>Be Captain Priscilla Von Hansburg, 4th Baroness of Bluven
>Can’t remember where medical tent is
>Decide to stumble around for a while to find it
>Discipline in the camp is worse than I remembered
>Almost no one is carrying weapons
>Trooper Catnip runs by practically naked with one of the bows the locals were using, and her body streaked in green and red paint
>Sigh, what is she high on this time…..
>Get to medical tent, it is practically empty
>Only a few severely wounded soldiers and uber dedicated medical staff are still here
>Mildred is no where to be seen, and the other medics are holier-than-you judgemental types that I make a point of avoiding
>Grab a bottle of pain meds off a counter
>Turn to leave
>Black Templar is there
>Technically I should be afraid, but pain and dehydration combine to produce momentary lapse in judgement
>I find myself talking loudly and slowly, like to a brain damaged imbecile
Are You Deaf, I Said Your Friends Went To The Dark Side Of The Pla-Net
>Fuck, I am so dead……..
I mean uh, do you need me to uh, arrange a transport, Milord
>Try to curtsy, but not wearing a dress
>Be Junior Clerk Farena Seven, Stalinvast 104th, commissar’s adjutant
>Still at desert camp
>Still in charge of daily casualty report
6 dead, 83 wounded – Misadventure (including three that died from sand viper bites to rectum – possible pattern?)
???? missing
8 dead – sand viper bites – not counting ones that were clearly provoked
6 dead – from injuries incurred prior to today
3 dead, 2 wounded, possibly more missing - Sanguinala Tree Worms
>Apparently they release pheromones that cause people to become wildly sexually attracted to them, then they get stuck and pulled into sack of acid – don’t remember that from the briefing – wait didn’t the briefing get interrupted when we were talking about the Tree Worms
0 dead – executed by the commissar
>Looks like you are no longer in the top five, at least not on the light side of the planet
>No idea how many men the Commissar has executed on the night side of the planet, but probably a lot
>We will likely never know….
>Already got all the details of the 200 that went to the dark side of the planet lined up
>Just waiting to see if they are declared dead or MIA before I fill out the paperwork
> be me, black templar
> staring down at the quaking woman.
> idontgetpaidenoughforthis.codex
> lightly flick the captain's temple.
> normally I'd kill her, but considering how fucked everyone else appears to be....
> yeah I'm not about to kill the only competent human I've seen in....
> how long was I asleep for?
What year is it?
>Be me. Alpharius.
>Currently wondering what my name actually is.
>My real, birth name.
>I've gone for so long, just using ever-shifting ident-codes and calling myself Alpharius that I honestly can't remember it.
>Officer girl stands up, looks pained.
>She's actually pretty badly burnt.
>No melanchrome to aid her, I feel a twinge of sympathy for the girl.
>Decide to accompany her to medicae. Am probably better at healing then whoever is in there anyway.
>No slight intended, but I have been practicing medicine from before the heresy.
>It's actually cool in the medicae tent.
>See Officer girl just grabbing pain pills.
>Oh no, you need moisturiser, pain pills will just risk overdose, increase chances of infection, injury complication and potential overdose complications involving nausea, lightheadedness and rapid peristalsis.
>Grab a tub of it and run after her.
>Gods damn it, if she can't take care of herself, I will.
>She's an enemy commander who is lax. Those are rare nowadays
>Be Young Guardsman
>No longer young due to warp shenanigans when I was sent to a Schola by those nice Sisters of Battle
>Had to leave early because the Canoness kept getting... handsy...
>Now Tempestus Scion in training
>Sent to get some desert and night fighting training on a tidally locked planet with the local garrison of Guardsmen
>land at the base to find it nearly deserted
>Everyone still hanging around seems to have lost their fucking minds
>They're also absolutely terrified of their medic
>Go and report to said medic for the required immunization regimen
Oh hey, a felinid!
>Be Captain Priscilla Von Hansburg, 4th Baroness of Bluven
>Skull pounding from thump just got to temple
>What year is it? What year is it!
>Supposedly the Imperial Calendar has been in shambles for decades, no one keeps close track anymore
Uh, some people think it is 108.M42, milord
>See the big menial from earlier walk over with a tub of moisturiser
>Some joker probably ordered him to get some as lube for something deviant
>Now is not the time
>Be Thypptyklpt, Lord of Change
>Was almost done corrupting the Necron Tomb Complex that has held my essence for millennia
>Will soon be free at last
>The only thing that has even the slightest chance of stopping my plans is if these newly arrived Necrons and Imperials join forces
>Even then, they have almost no chance of penetrating my maze of portals and illusions
>Inquisitor and new Necron Lord almost form an alliance
>Luckily the Necron Lord’s henchwoman knocks out the Inquisitor
>A guardsman tries to salvage the situation
>Subtly prompt him to point out flaws in Inquisitor’s offer
>Prompt him to offer a solution that the Necron Lord will never accept
>Alliance derailed, just as planned
>Be me.
>Gently manoeuvring through medicae tent after officer girl, giving advice to some of the more nervous looking medical staff.
>Most are perfectly capable, but there is always benefit to over ten thousand years of experience in the arts.
No a-medicae! Sucking the bite wound of a poisonous creature is both ineffective at removing the venom, but a surefire way to poison yourself in the process!
>Try to ignore how I almost said apothecary.
>Catch up to officer, who is still talking to astartes.
>Ignore that.
>Take bottle from her grasp, replace it with tub of cream.
No maam. Pain meds will only worsen your condition quite severely and prevent healing. Take the moisturiser cream, spend the day out of the sun and off the sand, preferably indoors doing non-physical activities and gently apply the cream generously over the affected areas.
>Note that I just interrupted the black templar.
>The crazy side of Dorn's sons.
Apologies co-my lord. Please, continue.
>Be me, Krieger
>They're... Silent?
>Well, they're not killing us yet so that a plus
>The furry is also here, fleeing? I guess, don't blame him to be quite honest
>No, that's heresy
>Was this a... Change?
>No, no, no
>fuck, fuck, fuck
>they got me alredy? But... how? My discipline isn't lacking
>my faith in the emperor is unbreakable
>my resolve is stronger than the lust of a Sister of Battle
>If someone is fucking with my head in the Immaterium there's nothing I can do, I'm not a psyker... Am I?
>We're taught that we're not bestowed such heretical powers, but it should affect, atleast, one of us for each million, right?
>no! This is heresy, heresy and more heresy!
>I'll get out of this shithole and ask for a Tech Priest to shove some metal in my brain to keep me in line
>That is, if these xenos don't have a change of heart and decide that we're better off dead
>I miss Krieg
>And my faith for the Emperor is firm
>Be me, Cassandra the Unheard
>be the second head of the Lord of Change
>be also the one with a normal fucking name
>Lord Tzeentch wanted another Kairos so he just stapled me to some existing asshole
>been sending letters with the request for a seperate body ever since
>be also the one least interested in fucking mortals over
>be interested in fucking Thypptyklpt over
>he of course is too stupid to realise that I fuck him over every time
>he just manipulated some guy in a gas mask
>time fuck Thypptyklpt over
>take form of an angel and project myself inside the guardsmans mind
>warn him about Thypptyklpt and give him the ability to detect his influence
>briefly was looking through the eyes ot he guardsman
>and then I saw him...
>...a very adorable felinid guardsman
>make him sit down in a corner
>project myself into his mind
>take the form of a big tiddy felinid qt 3.14 angel
>time for brain sex
>get directly to the good stuff
>after having fun leave the felinid with with one of my feathers and a enhancement to his "everlasting"
>just made it bigger
>don't want to get him killed by the inquisibitch
>and besides I'm not into slaaneshi fetishes
>and gues what Thypptyklpt didn't notice
>still looking smug because he thinks his plan is going just as planned
>now time to enjoy his plan not going just as planned
>Be me. Alpharius.
>Be fetching water for officer because dark gods damn does her voice hurt my ears.
>Briefly look over some guy with an amputated limb. The pad sitting on the desk by his bed says venomous bite wound, required amputation.
>This could be a problem for the camp.
>Find water store. Seemingly dehydration is common in camp enough to keep a stash in the tent for it.
>At least the tent is cool enough.
>Take one for myself, one for the officer, and in afterthought, one for the marine. He looked like he just walked in from the desert, and I know full well that no water retention system is perfect in power armour.
>It's important to stay properly hydrated.

>Be Commissar Alice Lone
>Welp, possible heretical Inquisibitch is down
>Suddenly Krieger walks in and starts talk sense
>Emperor's bones that's not something you see every day.
>Usually the most a Krieger will do is shot "AFFIX BAYONETS!" and then charge the nearest hostile
>Look at Necron Lord
>Look at scary, most likely heretical Astartes woman thing
>Realize I'm the ranking Imperial representative in these negotiations now
>Gather my composure, take deep breath
"Give us a to retreat and consider the situation. We will get back to you and your... tea in a bit."
>Quickly drag Trooper Fluffy away from the table and back toward the exit of the pyramid
>Notice bulge on trooper crotch
>Turn redder than Blood Angel armor

>Be Medicae Mildred Katalina
>currently glaring lascannons at Captain Prissy for bringing ANOTHER Black Templar into MY Medicae tent
>Okay, technically it's not mine. I kind of, uh, inherited it.
>And before you ask, no, no shoving of sand vipers up rectums was involved!
>Previous head medicae got blammed for providing migraine pills to the local commissar at a dosage he wasn't happy with
>Currently staying as far away from the Black Templar as possible in my tent
>No idea where that giant orderly came from, but as long as he keeps Mister 'purges abhumans for being abhuman' away from me, there won't be any trouble
>I don't want to have to try and shove a sand viper up the Black Templar's ass in order to avoid dying
>Hear someone come in and say an "F" word
>Does no one read that bloody sign?!
>Slowly turn around and draw myself up to my full height, glaring at new arrival
"Could you repeat what you just said?"
>He seems kinda young, but I'm not about to make an exception for youth if he just called me a fucking furry.
>Be me.
>Only thing I manage to hear is “corrupted” and “tomb complex”.
>Well there was one already here, so...
>Order ships in orbit to just fucking glass the area.
>Realized it’s going to take a fuck load of time because I had them deactivate all the cannons and shit.
>Just sip tea and wait.
>Selfish Kreiger not giving everything over to command
Die heretic.
>Be Trooper Fluffy, abhuman, Buctoo Survivors
>Banging super hot felinid angel
>Wait what?
>Actually still being dragged around by Alice
>She stops and looks at my crotch
>Realise still have a partial erection
>Also, my dong feels significantly bigger than before
>Blush hard and try to cover myself with my hands
>There is a huge white feather in my left hand
>What just happened?!!???!!!
>Krieger Infected by Slanneshi thoughts
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> be me, black templar
> internallyscreaming.panic
> ohfuck.internal
> (pic related)
> takeadeepbreath.litany
> some fucker who looks kind of like an astartes gives her moisturizer.
> wellthatsthoughful.approval
> now then, what changed?
> well.... I have a source of information in front of me.
I have been away for a while, tell me what has changed in the last five hundred years.
> nailedit.vox
>Be me, Krieger
>Something is really, really wrong with my mind
>Angels, some guy with a strange name and shit like that
>I can also feel... Someone? Or something In my mind, it's quite confusing and somewhat "heavy"
>Push him out, or better, "isolate" him. It feels like ripping apart my own brain and parts of my consciouness are fading away to the immaterium, forever lost in a ever-warping hellish dimension
>Empty again
>Well, not exactly
>I can "feel" it
>A whole dimension worth of heretical fuckery, agonizing screams and moans of pleasura, war cries and cunning plans; everything and nothing passing trough in a split-second, but taking an eternity to do so
>Reality flickers, everything is spinning and foggy. Millions of little speckles of dust float around us, billions of little creatures roam this room and trillions of particles create matter in neatly organized patterns to form life and structures of tech so advanced they look like magic
>But there's something else here, colossal in power and wickedness locked in here for millenia, waiting to be release to this world
>I try to warn them, but I have no mouth
>I have no mouth but I must scream
>the commissar gave retreat orders, my body follows them out of instinct, stumbling in its path to the outside world, colapssing on the sand
>Where is Krieg?
>Who am I?
>What is Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Forth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip poker?
>My faith in the Emperor falthers
> be me ladyservant marietta
> hmm.... it would appear that they need to reconvene.
> very well
> that krieger did bring up some solid points which are worth discussion.
> and i see that the commissar needs to indulge in her more.... base desires.
> howscandalous.gasp
> it is not my place to judge what she does with her free time.
> I am not an astartes anymore.
> sigh and bow to my lord
> apologize for breaking the table.
> However, I am not apologizing for giving that inquisitor a good hiding.
> arroganthoodlum.teasip
>Be Young Guardsman
>Storm Trooper in training
>Currently trying to not shit my pants in terror as the very angry, yet oddly alluring medicae glares at me
>By the Emperor, she's HOT
>The Schola didn't prepare me for this
>Spill my standard issue spaghetti and blurt out a repeat of my previous comment
I'm sorry! I was surprised to see a Felinid here, but it's not a bad thing at all! I fought alongside several during my last deployment! They were nice and didn't bully me or molest me or anything!
>Be me, Alpharius.
>Be walking back with water bottles under my arm.
>See particularly juvinile guardsman walk into tent and remark about the felinid woman being a felinid.
>This seems to particularly annoy her and she looks ready to do some decidedly un-medicae things.
>Asks him to repeat what he just said.
>Juvilile splutters and stammers out a rely about how he was just surprised, and how it's not a bad thing.
>Looks uncomfortably stressed.
>Lay a hand over his shoulder.
Calm down son. This is a mdeciae tent, not a battlefield. Slow down and collect yourself, nothing will harm you.
>Try to say it in the warmest voice I can, aiming for a patriarchal feeling.
>Say the last bit with a little look to the medicae, because if someone is going to harm him in here, it's here.
>Getting a better look at her, she's the subtype with slightly more body hair then the stereotypical felinid.
>Probably thought she was called a furry.
>Give the juvenile my water bottle and make my way back over to the astartes and conveniently lax officer.
>Wait for them to finish instead of jamming bottles in their hands like last time.
>Templar asks about what has happened in last five hundred years.
>Calmly sip tea to mask confusion.
>Decide that if this artifact is worth giving us a planet, we should have it.
>Order troops to mobilize and for the cannons to not completely glass the complex.
>Also, tell everyone to get their normal weaponry, this is level ground we’re playing on.
>Not the clothing though. The clothing stays.

>Be me, Catachan AB human
>be smoking a cigar
>the commissars son-in-law decided to show up
>asks for a cigar
sure. take a few if you want.
>everyone of importance is discussing some "alliance" with the necrons
>look through my binoculars to check what is going on
>see the other commissar doing heretical things to the furry
>good luck with those carpet burns commissar
>try not to burst up in laughter
>also see our Krieg friend
>he doesn't look very good
>he walks like a vostroyan after a very, VERY hard party with several cases of death caused by alcohol overdose
>better take him somewhere safe before he vomits into his gasmask
> be me former chaplain. no wait, it's been years at this point, it needs to be something different.
> thinking.jeopardymusic
> hmmm....
> Butleress sounds good I suppose.
> I'll think about it later.
> pack up the tea kit and smile at my lord finally getting serious.
> goodshow.toast
> hear that he wants the clothing to stay
> sireiamdissapoint.stare
> sigh and pack up the tea kit, and grab the melta gun to get it repaired.
> it's time to teach this rabble some discipline.

>Be Medicae Mildred Katalina
>Okay, the guardsman didn't call me a furry.
>Quickly retract claw-like nails behind my back and stare suspiciously at him
>Why is he looking at me like that?
>Is there something on my face?
>Now that I think about it, he is kinda cute
>He's no Commissar Cain, but still...
>Adjust my chest armor slightly, feeling a little hotter than before
>Suddenly want him to keep him away from the felinid girls Leona and Natsuki
>I've already had a dozen men in here with pulled groin muscles and passing out from "extreme physical activity" because of those two
>I'm actually dreading what will happen to the base's male population when those two actually go into heat
>There's "a body that won't quit" and then there's those two.
>Suddenly giant orderly walks up and tries to calm down the young guardsman before going back to that damn Templar
>Apparently the Templar doesn't know what's happened in the last 500 years?
>He doesn't know we ally with Eldar now.
>oh god-emperor
>I hope that prick Eldar Farseer isn't still lurking around the base, or else everyone's going to be in deep shit REAL fast
>Quietly go over to my medical cabinet and start preparing a bunch of tranquilizer syringes
>These tranquilizers have enough sedative to knock out a raging alpha male ambull in 3 seconds or less
>Why they have them on this shithole of a planet I have no idea, but hopefully they can knock out this Astartes before he slaughters us all
>Realize he'll probably go after abhumans first

>Be me, Cassandra the Unheard
>the Krieg guardsman has an existential crisis
>can't handle his new power
>decide to remove his power for now
>he still can be usefull
>need to boost his morale
>time to turn into and angel and get into his mind again
>show him how krieg looked like before the civil war
>tell him that he makes the God-Emperor proud
>make sure that this time he does not get an existential crisis
>check in if Thypptyklpt has noticed
>luckily he still bathes in his own smug
>notice some commissar doing illegal things with MY felinid
>decide to plant the sound of a bolt pistol going off next to her head
>this is going to teach her a lesson
>Be me, Krieger
>laying on the ground, my head is almost splitting in half at this point, reality is nothing more than a blur of colors and shapes dancing in wild abandon, screaming a silent cacophony of laughs and thunderous drums
>Silent. Blind. Numb. A wave of blessed peace washes upon me as everything went blank, death? Unlikely
>An angel appear in my mind. Death? Very much likely. She starts to spout bullshit, showing me my shameful past as an Krieger and daring to say that the God-Emperor would be proud of someone as weak and pathetic as me
Shut the fuck up, bitch... This is all your fault, isn't it?!
>Before I can beat the living shit out of her spiritual body everything is normal again. reality is real again and there is no more strange shit happening
>I even feel a bit inspired, she lied trought her teeth but even though it was... "nice"
>I pry off my mask and trow it aside, lying face up while gazing the stars. Where they always so beatiful? Ever changing, but uncaring
>the cold breeze help with the headache, the sand in my eyes doesn't, everything is normal but my psyche still under "repair"
>see the Catachan guy closing in, getting up and doing the standard compliment would be correct, but I can't muster enough strenght to do more than a weak wave, some guardsman said this means "hello" to them so it shouldn't hurt to give it a try
>I miss Krieg
>Be Eldar Farseer Waddick
>Keeping track of everything going on the planet from the safety
>Apparently some eccentric necrons are about to pick a fight with the humans
>Now they and the Orks can all fight each other
>Craftworld Wehdun'givafuk can come in afterward and wipe all these squatters off this fine piece of free real estate once they're weak enough and then terraform it into a new Eldar maiden world
>Gullible monkeigh don't realize I've been planning to stab them in the back from the very beginning
>Everything is going according to plan
>I can't wait to rub Eldrad's smug prick face in this once I've pulled it off at the "Biggest Manipulative Dick in the Galaxy" conference next century

>Be Commissar Alice Lone
>Force myself to stop staring at Trooper Fluffy's crotch
>I can marvel over his... 'weapon'... later
>Right now I need to get out of here alive
>Aaaand now the Necrons are pulling out their gauss weapons
>hear Catachan laughing nearby
>feel like it's directed at me
>suddenly ears are ringing from the sound of a bolt pistol going off
>nearly let go of Trooper Fluffy and jump back
>You know what? Fuck it. I don't care at this point.
>I'm using a furry felinid to keep from freezing to death
>my greatcoat and chainsword are still missing
>And the Necrons look like they're getting ready to kill us
>turn to local commissar
"We are advancing... back to base."
>I am not going to order a retreat on my first week on the job damn it
>Clutch Trooper Fluffy tighter and start backing toward the Valkyries
>The Eldar and Inquisition can handle this for all I care
>Fluffy's fur is... so warm and... fluffy

>Be me, guardsman Constantine
>just dragged the Krieger to a tent
>some non-local postman on a bike calls my name
>get a whole lot of letters...
>...and a bills?
>one from my wife - blah-blah-blah the same shit as always
>a letter from the local king who mobilised his troops to aid us on the day side
>some casualty reports from the desert base
>reinforcement reports from the desert base
>and a couple of bills from desert base
>my father-in-law should definitely see this
>this doesn't look good in the slightest
>Be Vostroyan
>broke leg while dancing to hard bass
>need to go to medicae
>see some sign
>It won't stop me because I can't read
>ask the furry medicae about fixing my leg
>*die because of sand viper bites*
>Be Captain Priscilla Von Hansburg, 4th Baroness of Bluven
>What has changed in the past 500 years!
>Do I look like a frigging scholar?
>Be mindful of fact that still very much in mortal danger
Well, uh, Roboute Guilliman is now Lord Commander of the entire Imperium….
>Be local commissar
>TOO MUCH HERESY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>Simultaneously suffer from 3 seizures and a stroke
>Foaming at mouth and making growling noises while still standing upright
>Distantly aware that Constantine and Lone are trying to talk to me
>They don't seem to notice that I am twitching, foaming at the mouth, and growling
>To be fair that is pretty standard behavior for me...
>Be Lieutenant Johanna Biddensworth
>Looks like the Commissar had a meltdown
>Who is in charge now?
>Haven’t seen any senior officers in a while, they are probably all dead in the Pyramid
>Technically it is probably me
>But hope someone else takes charge
>Someone has got to take the fall for this mess………
> be black templar
> be internally screaming.
> nod and smile
This is glorious news, tell me have any of his brothers returned? How many worlds have we retaken?
> stop and think for a moment.
How many black crusades have been launched?
> I really need to find someone more senior.
> she'll do for now.
>Be Captain Priscilla Von Hansburg, 4th Baroness of Bluven
>Looks like I am going to be here for a while…
>Luckily, the big menial gave me a bottle of water
Uh, I don’t think any other Primarch’s have returned
And uh, rumor has it the number of worlds we control, is, uh, decreasing
Probably just rumors though…
And uh, we don’t hear much about Black Crusades out here on the Eastern Fringe
>Not sure if I am even supposed to know anything about Black Crusades
>Technically it is suppressed information
>But some of the Cadian soldiers talk about them from time to time
Maybe try to talk to one of the Cadian troopers?
> be black templar
> decreasing?
> eastern fringe?
> cadian troopers?
> important things first.
Do my brothers still sail the stars in search of enemies to slay?
>Be Lieutenant Johanna Biddensworth
>No one seems to be taking the lead
>Fuck it
>We need an excuse to get out of here before someone or something kills off the few of us that are remaining
>Grab bunch of letters that Constantine is holding
>Start skimming through them
>Blah-Blah-Blah-Meet me in the middle of nowhere to fight an ancient evil – I will pass thanks
>Blah-Blah-Blah-Lewd Suggestions - This one is clearly for Constantine’s eyes only
>Blah-Blah-Local King needs a few men to observe the official founding of a new local regiment
Hey everyone
Our new orders are to redeploy to…
>Read letter again
We have achieved a glorious victory here
Now get in the Valkyries before we all get killed, I mean, as soon possible
For the Emperor
>Finish speech by half-heartedly punching the air
>Run off to nearest Valkyrie without checking if anyone is following me

>Be Commissar Alice Lone
>Local commissar's having a meltdown
>Shit. I guess I'm in charge now
>Well, technically Lieutenant Biddensworth is commanding officer, I just get to blam anyone who misbehaves
>follow her to the nearest Valkyrie, still dragging Trooper Fluffy with me
>Sit down across from her and pull Trooper Fluffy down beside me
>I need my furry felinid blanket to stay warm dang it!
>Be Captain Priscilla Von Hansburg, 4th Baroness of Bluven
>I though Space Marines were supposed to be superhumanly smart
>Maybe this one is brain damaged
>Try my best to keep frustration out of my voice
Well, milord, as I mentioned to you before, several of your comrades were here earlier looking for you, but then they redeployed to the dark side of the planet, where the fighting is at the moment
Perhaps they know more about the status of your, uh, brotherhood
Do you require transportation?
>I might survive this after all
> be black templar.
> my brothers?
> here?
> on the dark side of the planet.
> so it's tidally locked then
> goodtoknow.info
Then what are you all still doing here.
> look down at her
in such.. poor states of dress and equipment.
> the guards were literally using spears for fuck's sake.
> you have LASGUNS. why do you need spears?
>Be Trooper Fluffy, abhuman, Buctoo Survivors
>Normally I would be ecstatic about leaving a death trap like that
>But my little fluffy has become either larger or more sensitive ever since the vision I had of banging that angel
>Been at least partially erect ever since
>Sitting down makes things 10 times worse
>Sitting down with Alice practically draped over me makes things more like 100 times worse
>Try squirming around a bit to see if it helps
>It doesn’t
>Quite the opposite really
>be guardsman
>see new commisar clinging on to the felinid
> be me
> slaaneshi daemon in the warp.
> look and see a busty commissar blue balling a poor felinid at half mast
> laughingerection,funny
> alright now I'm bored
> I wonder what happened to that clown ship.a
>be me, Krieger
>woke up in a tent which I don't know, without my mask and without stars to gaze
>atleast my head isn't about to explode and is completely empty of chaos fuckery
>all my gear is gone...?!
>hellgun, high grade explosives and dozens of granades
>even my shovel and my bayonets
>atleast I have my coat and chainsword
>well, no point in crying
>since this place is probably one of the tents of the deceased first invasion to the tomb anything here is to be retrieved and used by the imperium forces in the imperium behalf
>Absolution Pattern Sniper Rifle and... that is it, they only left this since it was a close quarter mission
>It's time to go, only in death duty ends
>Spot on to be quite honest, since they we're retreating right now and being stuck in this place would be a chore
>hop in their valkyrie and the first thing I see is utter heresy
>the furry is there and the commissar is almost engaging in copulation with him
>the only half functioning human beings here is the lieutenant and the poor guardsman
>I feel bad for him
>but there's no time for such things
>pity is only for those who have fallen from the emperor's grace
>Still, I miss... Somewhere
>Be me, Alpharius.
If I may interject lord, I may be of some help.
Roboute Guilliman has returned, and is currently the acting Lord Commander of the Imperium.
Additionally, a new breed of Astartes have been perfected after ten thousand years of modification attempts, which feature two new organs and are a bit taller.
Furthermore, as our goals currently align, as we both have bigger problems and need each other, we have temporarily allied ourselves with the Eldar species. Whilst I would still be on your guard, immediate aggression is not advisable.
The lack of technology befitting the Imperium is due in part to the sand, and poor resupply abilities I believe, although we fight on with what we can in the meantime.
As for where we are, or what we are doing, I myself do not know, but it will be good to have you with us.
>Extend hand to grip vambrace in greeting automatically.
>He takes it.
>Takes a few seconds to realise that I practically just confirmed to him I'm an Astartes.
>Be Captain Priscilla Von Hansburg, 4th Baroness of Bluven
>You know that sinking feeling you get when you fucked up bad and now have to face the consequences…
>Try to remember everything from all those briefings I didn’t really pay attention at
Well….you see…we are on this planet
For reasons that are too secret for me to know about
And holding this landing field is important for supply lines and getting more reinforcements and stuff like that
And a bunch of people got wounded on the first day
And there wasn’t enough space in the transports anyways
So like, the Commissar left and took 200 soldiers to the dark side
And I am in charge of guarding the base and healing the wounded
And, you know, it is really hot, and we have had good cloud cover
So I loosened the dress code a bit
For morale you know
And some of the troopers have been here for like 15 years or something
So now they use bows and spears and rocks and stuff
Its like a pride thing
But don’t worry
Plenty of guns here
Enough lasguns for everyone
>Realise been rambling on for a while
>Can’t tell Templar’s reaction with his mask on
You know, it has been really uplifting speaking with a demi-god like yourself
But I really need to go use the lavatory
You know, mortal things like that…..
>Hopefully he doesn’t ask why the base is so undisciplined
>Large menial shows up again and launches into long speech about all sorts of stuff he shouldn’t know about
>Who is this guy again?
> oh holy shit
> it's an astartes....
> in regular clothes.
> ohfuck.vox
you are probably the worst alpha legion infiltrator I've come across.... but thank you for the info.
> draw sword place it to his throat.
> grab arm of imperial guard officer.
It is quite clear that you DON'T have everything in order, they are guardsmen, they can't have been stationed here long enough for them to be going nuts if you can still have a high tech medicae.... despite the numerous body bags being stacked outside.
> looks around the tent.
Who is the chief medic here? And may I ask why there was a sign outside that read "don't call me a furry?"
>Be Captain Priscilla Von Hansburg, 4th Baroness of Bluven
>Welp, I guess this is the end…
>I kind off pictured myself living to 300
>As a Lord General or a Governor or something
>Not dying at 25
>As a lowly captain
>Wearing only shabby lingerie I stole from a laundry bin a few months back, old sunglasses, and a wide-brimmed hat I found somewhere
>Killed by a brain-damaged Space Marine that only understands 1 out of every 3 things I say to him
>Black Templar is asking who is in charge of the medical tent
>See faint chance to be useful and save my skin
>Point to Mildred
>Be Lieutenant Johanna Biddensworth
>Sitting across from Alice and Fluffy in the Valkyrie
>There is definitely something going on there
>Women in positions of authority have needs to you know
>Have a pleasant memory of ordering a stable boy to attend to me back at my estate on Timbuktoo
>That seems like a lifetime ago
>Decide to go see if the pilot knows where he is going
>He may need a bit of persuasion seeing as we are technically double-crossing the Inquisition
> be me Black Templar
> sigh in resignation.
Apologies lieutenant, but apparently I've been stranded aboard a derelict for five hundred years, much can change. However, it is.. odd that so many bodies have piled up in such a short amount of time.
> suspicion intensifies.
>Be Captain Priscilla Von Hansburg, 4th Baroness of Bluven
>The Templar almost sounded contrite just now
>Try to laugh it off like this is all a simple misunderstanding and no big deal
>Laugh hysterically instead
No offense taken my Milord
The body bags, well, most are from the first day, when we fought off an ork assault, during a bad sandstorm, and the Commissar, well you know how they get sometimes
Since then fatalities have been fairly rare, mostly just sand viper bites and the odd accident
>Proud that actually remembered something from the briefing notes, though in truth only read the casualty reports because I find them unintendedly funny
>Wait did he just call me Lieutenant?
>Is he demoting me, or confused, or genuinely doesn’t know my rank?
>Remember that the Black Templar just identified the big menial as an enemy infiltrator
>And he is standing less than three feet away from me
>I hope the Black Templar is just confused again
>But can’t think of any logical explanation for how the menial knew the stuff he said earlier....
>Be me, be Eldar Guardian
>At first I was excited to be called up from the Path of Service in order to serve as a Guardian
>First time off the Craftworld and all that
>So far my experience has been as follows:
>Spend a couple of days standing around a mon-keigh base
>Some of them were so primitive, they still use bows and spears
>Get redeployed to Necron Temple
>Stand around for a while
>Ordered not to intervene during the big stand-off between the mon-keigh and the Necrons
>Everyone backs down
>Inquisitor teleports to safety when no one is looking
>Imperial Guard leave
>Shuttle shows up to pick up remaining Inquisitorial personnel
>Necrons stand around for a bit before heading back into temple
>Black Templars are off to side fighting tainted necrons and daemons coming out of one of the secondary entrances
>Ordered out of area through temporary warpgate
>Farseer seemed vaguely disappointed humans withdrew without fighting the Necrons
>Wait weren’t we supposed to be helping the humans?
>Be me.
>Crazy Dorn successor has sword to my throat.
>Plan plan plan plan plan.
>Use mix of battle cant and simply whispering quietly enough only augmented ears could hope to pick it up.
Put it away cousin. Will explain later. Don't blow cover. Am loyal. That was indicator, not accident.
>Will bullshit my way clear of this.
>I have done this for ten thousand years, I can bullshit an Astartes, especially one of Imperial fist genestock.
>Great people at fortifications and siegemastery, sure. Not so good at emotions or at subtlety.
>Plan already forming in my head as I keep signing hidden, or at least unreadable gestures to him that I know he understands, using Raven Guard syntax deliberately.
>Fuck I hope this works.
>Wish I at least had my combat knife. Could have taken him with it, but lost it in the crash.
>Mathematical mind calculates ability to access wreckage with the extra Astartes assistance.
>Sarcastic mind sarcastically explains how he is about to kill me, and is not inclined to help dig for my gear.
>He hasn't moved yet.
>Just need to keep signing and wait.
>Be Junior Clerk Farena Seven, Stalinvan 104th, commissar’s adjutant
>Still at desert camp
>Still in charge of daily casualty report
>Everyone is behaving a bit better ever since that Black Templar showed up
>Casualties by “Misadventure” were minimal
>Sand viper bites were also lower than past couple of days
>There was an unusual incident were a Vostroyan was found with a sand viper lodged in his rectum
>Half buried in quicksand
>Starting to get a bit worried there is a serial killer on the loose
>Decide not to include the incident in my casualty report
>Don’t want the killer thinking I am on to them
>Get report that survivors of the dark side expedition are relocating to Sodom
>The Commissar is still alive
>And apparently these reports still get sent to him
>Realize maybe I shouldn’t have made certain comments in these reports
>Keep casualty report as factual as possible today
>And start thinking of ways to “disappear” if the Commissar shows up again…
>Be me
>Brain speeding up. Adrenaline flowing.
>Will wait for Templar to move first, but if he so much as presses that sword a micron forward, I will be ready.
>He's in full plate. He's stronger, tougher, but far slower and less flexible then I as current.
>I have training, over ten thousand years in this kind of fight without armour and with hands often, and he likely doesn't have nearly the skill, as a black templar initiate.
>Step one, dart back. He will press forward sith blade, so smack pommel, turn it away. Not enough strength in small muscle to resist.
>He will go for a body chuck, they always do. Evade next attack, step behind.
>Tamper with buttons on pack, tear off cables in weak joints to cripple him.
>He will turn with swing to me. Will need to punch him in helm several times. Will hurt, but have done it before.
>Punch out hand, remove sword.
>Now I can actually kill him from there, no contest.
>He still hasn't moved. My brain is going faster then everyone else's I am aware. He may be at combat readiness himself, but not nearly as much as I am.
>Option two. Step back, kick knee out, make him fall/stumble. Two steps back, take surgical laser to weak joints/eye. Those things can and will cut through weaker parts of power armour given the chance, I've seen it with my own eyes.
>Option three, tackle and grapple. He is heavy, but he can't grapple as well as I can, and I can pin him, long enough to persuade him to stand down.
>Brain is telling me two seconds have passed.
>Still hasn't moved.
>Keep telling him to stand down, but add a quiet warning that attacking me won't be successful, that I'm a veteran of this kind of thing.
>Just put the sword down, let me explain.
> be me black templar
> fucker is trying to sign in some morse code
> idontspeaktraitor.vox
> wait...
> i could just shoot the fucker.
> lower sword, wait for him to drop his guard.
> then raise bolt pistol and blow his brains out.
> getblammed.traitor
>Be me.
>Feeling smug as Black Templar lowers his sword.
>Moves other arm
>Is this guy seriously bringing up a bolter? The oldest trick in the fucking book?
>Does he think I'm a normal human or something? I'm over ten thousand years old, a veteran, unarmoured and hyper-aware and he tries to catch me off guard with a parlour magician trick?
>Watch bolt gun rise. It's at waist level now, not even aiming at me yet.
>Already shifting and stepping to the side, hand coming up to where his gun is going to go.
>It's the face, could tell by the shoulder movement before it got past his belt.
>Hand comes up under grip, smacks the gun to throw him off, connecting as he reaches nipple height.
>Other hand grips bolter and twists it out of his grip. An Astartes is many things, but some disarming motions cannot be prevented by the best of training.
>His finger presses the trigger and a bolt goes flying through the tent.
>Kick him just under the lip of his chestplate and roll away.
>Come up, gun raised, several paces apart.
>His sword is raised, but I can shoot him in the neck, vox grill and one eye if I'm lucky at this range before he can reach me.
Stand down now cousin in the Emperors name! That is an order!
Move again and I will kill you for the heresy of assaulting a superior, disregard for medicae procedure, unnecessary escalation of violence and failing to act in manner becoming of an Astartes of the God Emperor!
>Be Banshee
>Bored as fuck
>Havent gotten laid in two thousand years
>compensate by gettin' swole
>Very cathartic, actually.
>decide to take a stroll into the Mon'keigh camp on the day side of the planet.
>I wonder if they have weights over there. Or, even better, cute boys
>Be me.
>Stupid Templar did his stupid thing and made me have to expose myself as an astartes.
>Thinking on the spot, watching Templar for slightest motion.
>If I see one, and I will see one, I can put two rounds in his throat and blow off his head, likely before he notices.
>Don't really want to kill the other astartes though.
>Need to think of a way to control situation.
Attention soldiers of him on Terra! My name is Nykolia Morrowind, veteran sergeant of the first company of the Raven Guard! I am on a mission where I must remain undercover to investigate certain elements of both friend and foe! The mission I speak of is classified to all but my own team! Anyone investigating without my permission will be executed! Anyone mentioning my identity without my permission, will be executed! Anyone discussing my mission or any details you observe that confuse you with me in public will be executed!
You know your duty, so carry it out as you were, as if I were not an Astartes.
>Can't look around to see reactions, but from my ears, they aren't drawing weapons.
>Black Templar hasn't moved yet.
Three people closest to me! Disarm the Templar, give his sword to me and bind his arms behind his back with three sets of the gurney clamps on the surgical slabs. We need to talk, in private.
>Gods this is a clusterfuck.
>Could shoot him and run off, but I like this group. I don't want to loose this position.
>Two menials approach the Templar, who still isn't moving. One reaches for his sword hesitantly.
>He doesn't move. Menial cannot remove sword from his grip.
>I sigh.
Just drop it. There is no other option here. Don't be stupid cousin.

>Be Medicae Mildred Katalina
>Am understandably irritated now.
>Captain Prissy just outed me to the abhuman-murdering Black Templar
>And now this 'orderly' is now claiming to be a Space Marine and trying to hijack control from me over my menials in MY medicae tent
>Yell in most no-nonsense, "I hold your life in my hands" medicae voice
"Any menial who follows that 'Astartes' orders will be dismissed from the tent and sent off to do latrine duty!"
>Point at Templar and "undercover Astartes" (which I don't buy for a second, but am too pissed to really give a damn)
"And you two! Get. Out. Of. My. Tent. You want to settle your god-emperor forsaken bloodfeud, go do it in the sand viper pit or something. Just get the hell out of here and stop putting my patients in harm's way."
>I probably just earned myself a death sentence for yelling at that loony Black Templar like this, but damn it, I am not about to let the only relatively sterile work area in the base get torn apart by a couple brawling Astartes.

>Be Commissar Alice Lone
>Should really feel more embarrassed, what with my bust pressing up against Fluffy's body and all, but I'm too busy enjoying the warmth of his fur to really care much
>Although with how much Fluffy's packing, maybe I should.
>I'm his superior officer,I can get away with a lot...
>Bad me! Focus on the job and plowing through the enemies of mankind, not getting plowed by a well-endowed abhuman!
>wait what
>Damn it, why can't I stop thinking like that?
>Be Captain Priscilla Von Hansburg, 4th Baroness of Bluven
>Faintly aware of rapid movement
>Bolter goes off
>They are really loud at close range
>Now the undercover marine has a bolter pointed at the Black Templar
>And is ordering the three nearest guardsmen to bound the Black Templar
>I am probably being included in that statement
>Mildred orders everyone out of the tent
>She is either insanely brave or just insane
>Decide pretending to faint is best survival strategy
>Flop to ground
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> be me black templar
> dazed slightly
> hibernating for five hundred years will do that to you.
You really think I'd fall for that traitor?
> just fucking stop trying to do this.
> he apparently doesn't realize that the gun's empty yet.
> oh how fun.
> then realize it would be better if I didn't start a feud in the doctor's medicae tent.
> turn and walk outside.
> done with this shit.
> walk to the edge of camp and turn on my voxbead
> get some static.
> that woman said my brothers were on the dark side of the planet right?
> lets see if they're returning calls.
>Be Trooper Fluffy, abhuman, Buctoo Survivors
>The Valkyrie lands in some squalid low tech city
>Scurry off to find somewhere private
>I REALLY need to see what is going on with my dong
>be guardsman previously on ship with commissar Lone
>see felinid run off as soon as we stop
>decide to follow him
>Or, even better, cute boys
By the Emperor! Hide the young guardsmen before the pervy Eldar women get to them!
>Be me.
>Be Alpharius.
>Be pretty fucked off right now.
>How much do I have to tell this guy that I am friendly.
>I could have killed him several times already.
>Turns out, his gun is empty because apparantly Templars are that bad at basic combat readiness.
>Then again, these were Sigismund successors.
>Head Medicae has yelled at us to geet out of the tent.
>UNderstandable, but she also defied my orders.
>Irritating, but also understandable.
>Damnit why wont anyone obey common sense and talkk first?
>I miss the great crusade. I was respected there.
>Black Templar turns and leaves tent.
>Well, he's not just straight out trying to kill me.
>So progress?
>Eh, he's probably asking for backup, to help kill me.
>Maybe I'm just being too cynical though. He may be from Dorn's lineage, but he is an Astartes.
>Follow him out, keep his Bolter.
>It may be useless, but it could be useful later.
>Besides, it is still wargear. It deserves a basic sense of respect.
>See him outside. Hear muted clicks from his helm.
>He is talking to someone, or at least trying.
>Might be a bit more difficult given the environment, but hey, there have been upgrades in battle plate.
>I always wanted to try on Corvus pattern power armour, but I was never allowed to.
>Watch Templar.
>He seems to have gotten through. Good for him.
>Take the time where he is distracted to fiddle with the mag-clamp on his hip taking his combat kinfe.
>Power armour is good. It is self supportings, lends the wearer extra strength and resistant to titanic forces.
>Unfortunately the problem with that is it makes it a whole lot harder to defend against someone who knows how to pickpocket through mag-clamps, as you can't tell the weight of something leaving you.
Wish I could take his sword, but he, just like sigismund would have, is carrying it clenched in his fist.
>Maybe this guy is smart after all.
>Hand consideres stabbing him in the spine under his armour, but decide against it.
>Take several steps back, wait for him to finish.
>This is irritating.
>Sure I have no doubt his zeal is fine, just his social ability and emotions need a whole lot of work.
>Potential side project?
> be Ladyservant Marietta
> be cleaning the numerous nooks and crannies around the tomb.
> socleanyoucouldeatoffit.pride
> voxbead from my astartes days is pinged.
> Oh my, what a surprise.
> apparently he's been stranded on a derelict for five hundred years.
> shudder at how strung out he is.
> has he eaten at all?
> his next words catch my ears.
> suspected
> traitor
> astartes
> in the guard camp on the day side of the world.
> dramaticgasp.shock
> how ghastly.
> go to inform my lord of this development.
> servant or not, he still is my battle brother
> and he must be famished.
> mayhaps gift him some refreshments at least.
> and find the armor belonging to that traitor astartes.
> clothes are nice and all, but I'd be more effective in armor.
> getbehindme.bulletsponge
> trot off to find my lord and ready my weapons.
>.... after I get this spot out
> I refuse to have bloodstains mark this tomb.
>Be me.
>Be arming up Necron Overlord.
>Right hand woman says there’s something she wants to get on the day side of this planet.
>You know what? Arming up is taking a while, I have time.
>Grab trusty warscythe.
>Hear that it’s in the fleshie’s camp.
>Drop warscythe, grab khopesh.
>Hear they have working guns.
>Grab warscythe, drop khopesh.
>Sequester transport, hop in, wait for right hand woman to get prepped.

>Be Commissar Alice Lone
>Fluffy runs off after the Valkyrie lands
>Grab a primitive cloak offered by one of the locals and bury myself in it
>It ain't Fluffy, but it'll do until he gets back
>Sigh in exasperation because half the regiment's going to think I'm a slut because of this
>Sure I use my 'ample vanguard and rearguard assets' to my advantage every now and then, but I'm not some horny bimbo damn it!
>I hope whoever stole my greatcoat and chainsword wakes up with a Catachan Barking Toad sitting on his lap
>Or whatever this good forsaken planet's equivalent to a Catachan Barking Toad is
>Would try to remember what this shithole planet is actually called, but my brain's still too cold to really do that at the moment

>Be Felinid Medicae Midred Katalina
>kitty ears twitch in confusion
>Anger dissipates
>That... worked?
>Slump down on medical cot as Black Templar and ?Astartes? leave my tent
>No idea who the other space marine is but frankly I don't give a damn
>I just chased one of the most anti-abhuman factions in the Imperium out of my medical tent
>Not sure if that was just dumb luck or the god-emperor watching over me
>Either way, I am going to catch my breath, and then go out and proceed to get shitfaced drunk now that I'm no longer in immediate danger
> be me ladyservant Marietta,
> grab wide brimmed hat for my lord.
> take off apron.
> put on hat, grab boltpistol, newly repaired meltagun and power cane.
> board transport.
> let's go find this lost brother of ours.
> be me black templar
> end transmission.
> well that was something at least
> sigh and wonder where the food is.
> be walking through the camp.
> notice something white and reflective.
> is that a howling banshee?
> in an imperial camp?!
> purgingintensifies.heresy
> then recall that apparently we're in an alliance with the eldar by decree of guilliman
> that means.... I can't kill the xenos on sight.
> fuckmylife.vox
> Still don't trust her.
> decide that following her around might be good.
> oh hey a ration bar!
> grab it for later.
> watchingyoubitch.optic

>Be me, Catachan ABhuman
>flying to the city of Sodom
>don't have to worry about the mutant chicken because the black templars are dealing with it
>as I walked out of the valkyrie some girl mistook me for a space marine
>the furry ran away and some guardsman followed him
>they will be lucky if the populace doesn't decide to burn them on the stake
>the krieger and commissar are back on their legs now
>well the commissar is
>our krieger sits there and looks at the black plants
>remember that I still have his gear
>he seems to feel better I think he should get it back
>some guy from the nobility appears and starts talking to the commissar
>apparently the commissar is supposed to hold a speach during the foundation of a new guard regiment
>fuck that shit
>there is a tavern on the other side of the street and I want beer
>and I'm not allowed to go there
>wait the commisslut is feeling cold
>offer her a trade
>I will get her a warm meal from the tavern if she allows me to go there
>Be Trooper Fluffy, abhuman, Buctoo Survivors
>Slip into a quiet alleyway
>Unbuckle pants
>Relieved that little fluffy isn’t obviously mutated in some way
>It is definitely bigger though
>No time to do anything about it
>The others will get suspicious if I am gone to long
>Buckle up pants and prepare to leave
>Notice some graffiti further down the alleyway
>Chaos symbols!!!
>Must warn the Commissar and the LT
>Scurry back to the landing pad as fast as I can…
>Be Captain Priscilla Von Hansburg, 4th Baroness of Bluven
>Somehow Mildred managed to convince the Space Marines to leave
>No longer need to pretend to be passed out
>Tempted to go thank Mildred for salvaging the situation, but then remember I outed her to the Black Templar
>Instead give her an awkward thumps up
>Then start picking all my stuff off the floor (pills, water bottle, “romance novel”)
>Enough excitement for today
>Time for an afternoon nap
>Be Lieutenant Johanna Biddensworth
>Trying to get Fluffy to calm down
>Apparently there is a chaos cult active in the city
>Who knows how far to the top it goes
>Commissar Lone is talking to some local bigshot
>Apparently they want her to give a speech at the regimental founding
>I guess they decided she was in charge because her big hat is more impressive than the odd collection of climate appropriate clothes I have stolen or scavenged over the past couple of days
>Fine by me
>Just need to alert her that she may be walking into a trap first
>Tell Fluffy to STFU for a bit and stop alerting any cult spies that we might be on to them
>Then tell him to quietly spread the word that we might not be save here
>Then tell him to go stab the local commissar with some traquilizers, the last thing we need is that idiot waking up from his comatose state and getting us all killed
>Go stand next to Commissar Lone with the Catachan and wait for a good opportunity to discretely warn her
>Be Inquisitor Elizabeth Durnham
>Currently disguised as the “Prophet of Change”
>A heavy gold helmet covers my entire head, and the dress is practically transparent, and ridiculously low cut on both the front and back, and fake tattoos and scales are stuck to my skin here and there
>But soon it will all be worth it
>I infiltrated this B-list Tzeentch cult a few months back while searching for clues as to the whereabouts of a certain artefact
>An artefact that is now beyond my reach thanks to some meddling Necrons and some cowardly, weak-willed Guardsmen
>Soon, I will have to leave this planet to report my failures
>But first a little payback is in order….
>The Necrons will be a tough nut to crack, but when I heard the Guardsmen were falling back to a city where a sizable cult loyal to me was lurking
>Well, let’s just say it is destiny
>The “Sacred Rite of Fleshchange” the cult is fond of performing on captives is far more painful and degrading than anything I could do to them in my official capacity as an Inquisitor
>Even as I watch the Guardsmen disembark from their Valkyries, my cult followers are slowly creeping up on the primitive landing pad from all directions
>Waiting for my signal...
>Be me.
>Watch Templar finish talking, and hear vox bead crackle out.
>Then watch as he turns and just wanders away after a Howling Banshee.
>Did he just forget about trying to kill me? Already?
>I mean, possibly progress, but I still am pretty sure that he will want to kill me.
>Groan as I realise I won't be able to let my guard down and relax until I've saved his life at least two times.
>Yeah, for people who always go on about having Honour, they, along with other "Loyal" Astartes can be incredibly quick to drop it and stab you in your sleep as soon as it becomes convenient. Some logic about "You don't deserve to be treated with Honour as you have none." or somesuch.
>And the only way he could hope to kill me is with either a lascannon from behind a tent, orbital bombardment or killing me in my sleep.
>This is gonna suck.
>Check one of my secret pockets, one so hidden the trousers would need to be taken apart if you didn't know where it was.
>Yep, the thing is still in there.
>A keepsake from one of my earliest campaigns after achieving Terminator honours, it is a smooth rectangle of polished Adamantium inscribed with detailed hexagramic sigils inlayed with gold.
>I would hate to have lost this beauty in the crash.
>Think on the nature of my kind.
>Pocket keepsake.
>Go off to quartermaster, ask for quill and paper to write letter.
>I miss the good old days of the Great Crusade.
>My brothers...
>Be Milko Firth, Stalinvast 104th
>Pumping irons in the work out tent
>In truth, mostly just hoping some hottie would show up so that I can discreetly watch them
>Tent is empty today though for whatever reason
>Maybe I should try the volleyball court instead
>Just as I was thinking of leaving one of the Eldar shows up
>One of the “Banshees” I think they are called
>She is poking around the workout equipment, as if not sure what it does
>Wonder if I should go over and tell her how things work
>Decide against it
>Was never very good at talking to girls, a hot eldar girl is pretty much out of the question
>Decide to admire discreetly instead
>The hips, ass, and bust on the armor are impressively large
>Wonder if it is the same under the armor
>Hope she takes some stuff off in order to work out
>Be Thypptyklpt-Cassandra
>Mostly Thypptyklpt
>Be bored
>Only days away from being free at last
>But can’t do much until then
>My ability to influence activities outside of my temple is minimal
>But not non-existent…
>Fly about in invisible, non-corporal form, causing minor mischief:

>See “Alpharius” – Whisper “For the Emperor” in his ear

>See Black Templar – whisper “The Emperor is dead, Chaos has won. Also, that ration bar is literally just saw dust mixed with dried gruel”

>See woman bent over, picking up stuff, give her a wedgie
>See cat woman nearby – whisper “Your friend thinks you are a furry”

>See female marine boarding transport – whisper “Your hat looks stupid”

>See four guardsmen standing around talking, about to be ambushed by that Inquisitor’s pawns
>Knock off the female Commissar’s hat
>Pull down the cat man’s pants
>Whisper “They are coming for you” into the minds of all four

>See Inquisitor, whisper "Next time wait until they have left the landing pad before laying an ambush"
>Nudge one of the shoulder straps off her dress just for fun
>Be me.
>Managed to politely requesition a quill and five sheets of standard sized parchment.
>Begin inscribing messages onto each.
>My first one is simply a message to give to the Black Templar, giving him instructions on how to locate my crashed lighter in the event of my death. Whilst I doubt he will be able to use my wargear, I shall give him basic instructions on how to do so.
>Also, that by pretending to be me, he may contact others of my legion, potentially my commander, a high ranking lord in our number.
>I hope he kills him, whilst I always abhored the idea of fratricide, over these ten thousand long years, I have felt myself growing distant from my legion.
>It just isn't what it once was.
>There were so many of us back then, my brothers...
>I blink and refocus.
>The next sheet of parchment is detailed instructions on how to pilot my wargear, and how to hotwire it into submission.
>The Machine spirit is old and powerful, but she is flexible. She will happily serve him if his intentions are noble enough.
>My third piece of parchment is an instruction on what my mind has pieced together as to why I was sent here, and what my legion wants of this world. More imprtantly, I added fifty tips and tricks on some of the clever things we will often do, to aid in fighting us off. I can barely believe I am writing this, but I have realised my loyalties lie with the Twentieth legion, the true Alpha legion, not this pale mockery ten thousand years later.
>My fourth and fifth pieces of parchment I keep for a personal use.
>I start at the beginning and write down every single memory of my many millennia of life, right back to my mother and my childhood on a desert world, similar to this one.
>Oh the nostalgia. That has to be the worst pain I have ever felt in my long life.
>So much lost, and now, where humanity should be gods, humanity murders worlds to by the species a few more seconds before the fire dies the last time.
>The end of days.
>Be me.
>Be Alpharius.
>Someone or something whispers "For the Emperor" into my ear.
>My mind processes this, I regester no one nearby, and I can sense the warp disturbance of a major entity, which I would imagine is Tzeenchian. So that probably whispered to me.
>Ignore it as the old maxim bought up other memories.
>My days as a novice, studying in dimly lit halls. I was top of my class for combat work in light arms. Less so in stealth, so I was destined for terminator plate then.
>For the Emperor.
>Remember the compliance where my squad prevented the deaths of a regiment of auxillia by storming a fortress instead of sneaking in.
>My sergeant died, and I took his place, and was noted for unsubtle behaviour.
>I did it with that cry on my lips.
>The day I stood before Alpharius, the true Alpharius as I was inducted into the Lernaean elite, my brothers, my commanders and my primarch watching on in pride as I donned the helm and spoke as one of the legions finest warriors.
Hydra Dominous! For Alpharius!
For the Emperor!
>Remember how those words were twisted during those later years. How we said them mockingly, deceitfully to our cousins as we tore the Imperium apart in our feuding.
For the Emperor.
>Remember my brothers, Othelia, Darvanak, Ampilion, as they shared misgivings with me, and how they slowly became fewer and fewer, until only I was left at the end to walk the ruin of it all.
>Funny how I can remember their own names but not my own.
>I think it's taken me ten thousand years to truly realise this was folly. What we did was not for the good of Humanity, but of Xeno councils who feared us.
>I remember my legion growing cold and pale after those days, the glory and majesty of our work gone to petty desires, unbecoming of Astartes of t...
>I say the words again, and for the first time in millennia, they feel right in my mouth again.
>Pure and honest and true after so very long.
For the Emperor.
>Finish writing the first three messages.
>Go back to irritated scribe and borrow some wax to seal them shut.
>Go back outside, it's getting late.
>Walk back to the small tent I strung together from some space equipment and half a sentinel
>Leave them there, with notes scrawled on the first two to deliver it to the highest ranking Astartes presence, the third highest command presence.
>Put them in container that is really an autocannon drum without rounds and burry it in the sand.
>Go off on quest to find where the food is served around here. Hope my argument hasn't reached too far. Would like to be accepted, but at this stage, it may be a bit harder.
>Take combat knife into hand.
>Twirl it a bit and get balance for the long knife.
>Been using a lot more of these then I'd have ever thought these last few thousand years.
>Ahh well, need to keep up the basics in any case.
>Knife could use some care though, something else to go do.
>Also, need to find gym.

>Be me, Cassandra the Unheard
>Thypptyklpt started to fuck arround again
>have to fuck him over asap
>notice that some Inquisitor preparing an ambush with some cultists involved
>my felinid is propably going to get killed by them
>take angel form and jump into the kriegers mind again
>have to warn him about it
>as soon as I get inside the krieger attacks me
>accuses me for flooding his brain with warp energies
>psychicaly immobilize him
I have no time for this groxshit
If you don't want to bring shame to the Emperor you better listen carefully
There are heretics preparing an ambush and you need to stop them
They are wearing the most generic cultist robes imaginable
And also their leader is also a slut
Any questions?
>put on a commissar cap, get a bolt pistol and blam him back to reality
>maybe one religious zealot won't be enough to do the job
>get into the mind of the madman commissar
>he is in a coma caused by too mutch heresy
>time to wake him up
Commissar there are heretics...
>the commissar doesn't give a fuck what I'm about to say
>just wakes up and runs out of the valkyrie yelling something about heretics
>ok this will definitely do the job
>back to fucking over Thypptyklpt
>>mfw I just saw 3 kriegsmen die just because they decided that digging trenches in loose sand was a good idea
This was an underrated laff

>Be Commissar Alice Lone
>Sodom's local big shot wants me to give a speech for the new 'regimental founding'
>But isn't that the local commissar's job?
>granted, he's currently having a meltdown in the back of the Valkyrie
>Last I saw Guardsman Constantine was tending to him
>Wait, isn't the local commissar his father-in-law?
>Well at least he's keeping the blam happy nutter preoccupied
>Suddenly something knocks off my hat
>God-emperor damn it, I am NOT about to lose one of the few things I have left that show I'm a Commissar!
>Bend over to grab my hat just in time for my head to be level with Fluffy's groin when his pants fall down
>Open my mouth to reprimand Fluffy for not maintaining proper guardsmen dress standards when my heresy senses start tingling
>At least I think that's what that was
>Realize its way too quiet around the Valkyrie's landing pad
>Sudenly the local commissar charges out of the Valkyrie yelling something about heretics
>Turn to gathered guardsmen
Uhm... Form a defensive perimeter and slowly start moving back toward the Valkyrie.
>I've got a Valkyrie gunship as an asset. Whatever heresy's coming my way from this feudal shithole should be easy prey for that thing
>Be Thypptyklpt
>I love watching battles!
>Knock off Commissar lady’s hat again, just for fun
>be resident of city
>run local black market weapon supply
>see some big-titted commissar talking to the whorehouse owner
>think about telling her
>decide against it on the grounds of it being a learning experience
>go back to cleaning weapons
>Be me, Constantine
>my father-in-law just ran outside yelling something about heretics
>the commisslut keeps sucking off the felinid
>orders us to form a defensive perimeter arround the valkyrie
>ok something bad is happening
>and I don't like it
>meet up with the Krieger and Catachan
>both of them are very trigger happy
>get my bow ready...
>wait for the enemy to make his move...
>Be me, Catachan ABhuman
>beer must wait
>mad commissar says that some dense heretics are supposed to attack us
>finally some damn action
>with the exception of some orks I didn't kill anything an this planet
>get my trusty shotgun and prepare to blast some heretics back into the warp
>curently the felinid is getting a blow job from the commissar
>from this possition I have a nice view of her ass
>10/10 ass I tell you
>where are these heretics anyway
>been standing here for a solid minute waiting for them
>still waiting
>I'm getting bored
> be me black templar
> hear a voice inside of my head telling me that chaos has won.
> wrong.
as long as a single loyal guardsman walks the galaxy, chaos has not won. Also fuck you I haven't eaten anything in tenthousand years.
> find a secluded spot on the outskirt of camp
> pull off my helmet, scarf down the ration bar.
> doesn't taste like anything.
> notbad.vox
> Should probably go apologize to the officers for my actions.
> I'm probably gonna be here for a while.
> be me ladyservant Marietta
> hear a voice in my head whisper that my hat looks stupid
> Iveheardthisbefore.ptsd
> turn to my lod
Sire, there are daemons on this planet.
> think for a moment
We should probably prep the world engine just in case.
>Riding along, right hand woman brings up she was hearing daemons and shit.
>Also brings up that we should prep the world engine.
>We have a world engine?
>Ask aloud why the FUCK nobody told me sooner?
> be me marietta
We tried to tell you sire.....
> leflashback.plotdevice
> Marietta approaches her lord whilst he is in the middle of a Regicide match with creed
My lord I-
> “Alright how the FUCK is that bishop there?”
> “Only a fucking TACTICAL GENIUS could do that!”
> Marietta sighs as Addathes screeches "CREEEEEEEEEEEEEED!"
> Even later, Marietta is shown to be in a voidsuit holding a bag of golf clubs in orbit of mars as her lord takes a practice swing.
Sire I really think you should kn-
> "not now, I have to show these fleshy fucks how to play golf PROPERLY"
> He loses grip of the club, which rebounds off the wall and hits him in the face
> even later Marietta is sitting next to her lord in a commoragh arena as they Watch Lelith Hesperax mudwrestle Yvraine
My Lord I really should inform y-
> As lelith puts Yvraine in a headlock, Addathes slams his head into the nearest object
> "aaaand now Vect is gonna have my kneecaps if I don't pay him on time"
> Marietta sighs and holds up a suitcase filled with high end necronytyr drugs and enough money to make a rogue trader blow their load.
> He proceeds to take the case and throw it at vect as yvraine taps out, then bolts, riding on his ladyservant's shoulders.
>So THATS what she was trying to say.
>Give the order to warm up the world engine, and tell the driver to go faster.

>Be Felinid Medicae Mildred Katalina
>Finally catch my breath and calm down for a bit
>Suddenly get a voice in my head telling me Prissy thinks I'm a furry
>Briefly consider giving her the 'sand viper treatment', >Realize there's no more sand vipers within easy reach to do so
>Probably a bad idea given the presence of purge-happy Black Templars
>Maybe I'm just hearing things

>Be Commissar Alice Lone
>Drag Guardsman Fluffy back to the safety of the Valkyrie by the collar of his jacket
>Trying not to think about the trooper's groin
>Keep an eye out for any heretics nearby
>Suddenly hat is knocked off my head
>Shove Fluffy toward one of the Valkyrie's door-mounted heavy bolters
>order Valkrie's pilot to take off and go into hover mode on station over landing pad
>Snatch hat off the ground and climb on Valkryie VTOL
>Get hit with massive wind chill from downdraft of Valkyrie's engines
>It feels like I stepped in a Valhallan shower
>Tempted to use Fluffy to keep warm again, but I need him focused on gunning down heretics with Valkyrie's heavy bolter right now
>Be me.
>Gotten through to writing about the beginnings of the Horusian fracture. Condensed it all down a lot and made it factual as anything, but still gone through the two sheets of parchment.
>Lock them in box and rebury it.
>Go for a walk.
>Will need to exercise, but I head to the medicae tent.
>Need to check the bolt round didn't destroy something important. Also should probably apologise to the medicae.
>Really isn't my fault, but I was involved, and of the two of us, I'm probably the one more able to swallow my pride.
>Besides, she could use an extra pair of hands, and I am in fact trained.
>Get the subtle feeling something is coming.
>Probably just nerves.
>Still, I note the gut feeling for later.
>Get to the tent. Bolt round auto-detonated after travelling long enough, didn't hit anything, went too high.
>Enter tent.
>Head medicae is not here.
>Ask a menial where she got to.
>Menial visably quakes, and I wait. Transhuman dread is a nasty thing seemingly. And it only gets worse when your boss orders you to go against one. I smile gently and try to look as non-threatening as I can.
>Good job those infiltration classes were so important then.
>He tells me after a good eight seconds that she went off in her own words "To get shitfaced drunk" that she wasn't in immediate danger.
>Part of me is annoyed that she is intoxicated whilst still being meant to be on duty as medicae, but another part of me quiets the first part.
>She did break up a fight between two transhumans, as an abhuman female with no combat superiority above baseline humans, through sheer anger.
>I've only heard of one other woman who had done that.
>Decide that, to pay her back, I might as well cover her shift for her, and treat her patients.
>See first one.
>Lost eye to "Jousting complications."
>Emperor, this place is hilarious.
>Sedatives are low, so I knock him out the traditional way, then I set to work.
>Sedatives are low, so I knock him out the traditional way
My favorite line from this thread so far
>Be Magos
>on my way to secure an long lost stc known as flex tape/seal
>waiting for the two requested astartes chapters
>one of them just joined us on our way
>the children of Sanguinius joined ys
>I'm kinda happy that atleast one chapter decided to show up
>notice that their color scheme is a bit different
>maybe a succesor chapter?
>zooming in on their insignia
Omnisiah protect us...
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> be me, black templar
> enter medicae temple to apologize for my actions earlier.
> see alpha legionnaire actually helping people.....
> squints eyes behind helmet.
> hmmm.....
> actually healing people.
> youaight.squint
> I'll be watching him though....
> juuuuuust in case.
>Be Lieutenant Johanna Biddensworth
>Helping set up defensive perimeter
>The first hostiles start appearing
>Bunch of locals with low tech weapons wearing silly robes
>But there is a lot of them
>Many are mutants
>Some of them are extremely mutated
>And very big
>Good thing we got the heavy bolters
Open Fire!!!!!!!!!
>Be me.
>Managed to find the optic nerve and close the site with a medical plate and biofoam. Should last until optics can be sourced.
>Didn't have the equipment to treat the bone fractures in his zyglomatic or nasal regions, so I set them, and issued bed rest for the next few days to let it heal.
>Next two people were amputation cases. One above the knee, where I managed to find a temporary augmetic and attach it to the femur. Won't be the most pleasant thing, but it will suffice for now. The other guy had one below the knee due to a venomous bite. Gave him bedrest, and set a servitor to whittle a peg-leg.
>Black Templar came in, then saw me and just stopped.
>Kept my focus on him as I worked. Sutures and incisions are easy to do blindfolded.
>It seems, from what I can tell of his helm motions, he was looking for the medicae.
>He came to apologise as well.
>Maybe I was wrong about him. Good.
>He just stands there watching me as I move onto the next patient, a woman with severe sunburn. Issue antibiotics, steroid moisturiser creams and order bedrest and a bottle of water.
>Let him watch as I move around for a little longer, before I speak to him.
If you are looking for the medicae, cousin, apparently she is in the bar, getting "Shitfaced drunk", according to her subordinates.
Whilst I doubt you would carry out any orders I give you, might I suggest finding her to make sure she hasn't given herself alcohol poisoning?
>Be local commissar
>little butterflies everywhere
>the answer to the question is………..
>everything is spinning, I can see the cosmos, it is all connected
>distant voices
>sir, you are suffering from a stroke………or a seizure………we aren’t sure
>blood for the bl……..
>blink twice if you can………
>We need t……..
Commissar there are heretics…
>everything is heresy………
>but some her…………………RINGING……………is worse than other……………….RINGING
>Be Lieutenant Johanna Biddensworth
>Squad is about to be over run with cultists
>Those big mutants are practically impervious to small arms fire and the smaller ones use them as mobile cover
Fix bayonets!!!!
>Out of nowhere, the local commissar jumps our barricade and runs up to the biggest mutant
>He is not even armed
>What the hell is he doing? That thing has absorbed 50 lasgun shots and a pair of grenades
>It must weigh at least a ton
>Commissar tears its oversized ball sack off and slaps the thing’s head with it so hard the head shots off like a cannonball and dismembers two more cultists
>He then kicks a normal sized cultist in the groin so hard I can hear the pelvis shatter from here
>Then tears another cultist’s arm off and uses it to club a third cultist’s head off, sending it flying so far in the air that it ends up on a nearby rooftop
>And then he gets his hands on a club one of the cultists dropped and things get REAL brutal
>Realize I have been standing around out of cover with my mouth hanging open for a while now
>Luckily all hostiles in the area are either dead of fleeing
>At this point I am more worried about what happens when the Commissar runs out of cultists to kill
>I hope he doesn’t realize I am the one who ordered the retreat from the pyramid
>Also, none of the stuff he is doing should be physically possible………
>Be Captain Priscilla Von Hansburg, 4th Baroness of Bluven
>The nice space marine infiltrator gave me cream and antibiotics
>Said I shouldn’t be using pain meds
>Grab a bottle anyways on the way out of the medicae tent
>Still limping a bit from the vicious wedgie I got earlier
>I assume it was Mildred
>I hope we are even now
>I heard she can nurse a grudge
>Technically I should be trying to figure out why there is a space marine infiltrating my base
>But I don’t really feel like it
>Besides, he told me to get some bed rest
>And he probably outranks me
>So I am going to go get some bed rest
>Be Trooper Fluffy, abhuman, Buctoo Survivors
>Currently gunning down horde of cultists
>I don’t really know how to use a heavy bolter
>But the horde is big enough that I can’t really miss
>Ammo runs out
>No idea how to pull the out clip out, or put a new one in, or where to find a new one
>Yell “Need more ammo” while fiddling around trying to remove the old clip
>Realize the person most likely to find some ammo for me is Alice Lone
>Right, her…….
>Back at the pyramid I just assumed she wanted to use me as a meat shield
>But lately, not so sure
>The fact that her face ended up a few inches from my naked groin earlier is not something I am going to forget anytime soon
>Some of the cultists start launching old school RPGs from rooftops and alleys at the Valkyries
>hehehe, no way that primitive garbage is taking down a Valkyrie….
>RPG punctures the cockpit of the nearest Valkyrie and explodes
>Being in a Valkyrie suddenly doesn’t seem as safe anymore…….
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>Be Commissar
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> be me black templar
> nod in understanding and turn to go to the bar
> aslongashedoesntkillanyone.resignation
> cant do shit about it now.
> might as well go find this medical officer
> gonna apologize
> then gonna beat her ass for abandoning her post whilst on duty
> fuckingalcoholic.scorn
> walk into the bar, see the felinid doing a rockette routine pantless on top of the bar
> whatthefuck.vox
>Be me
>All the most critical patients are done, and I'd moved onto teaching the orderlies how to do basic operations.
>That was ten patients ago.
>Then We got to the end of the queue.
>So I did what any Astartes would do. I called my dept paid and left the others there to deal with people as they came.
>I had a lander to dig out.
>I silently procured an entrenching tool, then another, because either were small enough to be wielded in one hand.
>The lander had been buried deeply in sand, but no Astartes worth his plate could forget the location once they had been there. Even if the dunes shifted, I could triangulate from buildings in camp.
>I reach the spot and start digging.
>Not sure how deep the lander is buried, hope it's close up.
>I have important gear in there.
>Very important gear.
>After digging for nearly an hour, I clear enough of the coarse sand to see the broken window I crawled from.
>Crawl back through there.
>Fire has damaged the engine and most cogitator panels but most of my stuff is intact.
>Wish that this was a vessel with weapons. Could have taken them and fortified camp, but oh well.
>Rifle through my stuff.
>False documents on my identity, charred beyond recognition. Probably good, as they spoke of an Inquisitor Eagen, and would be useless to me.
>Digi ring, dented but working. Bolt pistol, damaged, firing mechanism crushed under stanchion, and I couldn't even extract the thing to repair it.
>I slid the magazine out though.
>It's a full clip. The Templar needs bolts, and I have bolts but no gun.
>I toss it and the rest in a bag and keep searching.
>Find documents, orders. Because my boss just can't give them to me in one sitting can he?
>Apparently I'm supposed to "...convert more humans to be used in our missions to replace losses. Success will be signaled by being able to wear identity proudly in the open without attack."
>Needle carbine, good. Belt to mag lock things to, excellent.
>Find knife.
>First thought, this isn't my knife.
>Second thought, it is a good knife. Perfect edge, miniature power field generator in handle, engraved eagle, with gold thread.
>Will keep this. I have Templars knife, if I give him this, he might like me more.
>Some medical tools and equipment, and some drugs. Meant for astartes, but they can be diluted down normally effectively enough in a pinch.
>Check on the last thing.
>The giant chrome box as wide as I am tall.
>A little dusty, but intact and without damage.
>I leave it there.
>I take the emergency umbilical for ship boarding action and thread it out the egress point and up to the surface.
>Once there, I close the hatch and bury the whole thing once again.
>Now I can access it quickly, but no one knows where it is.
>Go back to camp bearing gifts.
>First stop, medicae tent. To drop off stuff.
>Next stop, bar. To apologise to medic and to try and befriend the Templar, or at least make him want to kill me less.
>But hey, progress is progress.
>Be Captain Priscilla Von Hansburg, 4th Baroness of Bluven
>Feeling muuucccccchh better
>Maybe took a few too many painkillers
>Decide to head down to the bar
>Alcohol and painkillers are apparently a bad combination
>But they also serve some pretty good deep-fried snacks there
>Naturally one of the cat women is doing a stripper routine on the bar
>Ever since the Commissar left, this has been happening several times a day
>In fact, it is rare not to find someone dancing on the bar
>Surprised to see someone doing now that Astartes are hanging around the base though
>Grudgingly decide that I should lay down some discipline, even though I am on "medical leave"
If you don’t get down from there this instant, you are spending the night in the brig, and the next two on dishes duty!
>Hey wait, is that Mildred?
>That is a bit out of character for her
>She must be completely smashed
>Be Lieutenant Johanna Biddensworth
>Under fire again
>Now that the Commissar has killed off most of their cannon fodder, a much higher ratio of the hostiles are carrying fire arms
>Mostly autoguns, basic, primitive, but with a higher rate of fire than the typical lasgun
>a couple of RPGs and heavy stubbers too
>Probably meant for the local PDF
>Where did they get them from?
>Their basic strategy seems to be spraying the landing field with autogun and stubber fire to keep us pinned, while the melee cultists advance using the big mutants / chaos spawn as cover
>Meanwhile the RPGs are slowly picking off our Valkyries
>They are smart for cultists, I will give them that much
>I just hope the commissar can keep doing whatever he is that he is doing
>Maybe even amp it up a bit
>Because I can’t see us surviving this without another miracle……….
>Be Young Guardsman
>Storm Trooper in training
>Been in the bar for a while, trying to avoid the insanity that seems to be infecting everyone on this blasted hellscape of a planet
>can only stare in wonder as the medicae starts dancing and removing clothing
>guardsman.exe has stopped working
>she's certainly very... flexible...
>blush and try to blend into the crowd when I spot the Captain.
>Emperor preserve me, I hope she doesnt notice me.
How Long does it take for a Mixed-gender regiment forgotten about on an ork-infested planet to grow into their own society and be rediscovered by the wider imperium?
>mfw bows are more effective than lasguns
But how?
>Be Lieutenant Johanna Biddensworth
>The hail of gunfire plinking off the barrel I am hiding behind has stopped
>And I hear the stomping sound of something very large fast approaching
>That can only mean one thing
>Ever since the Commissar’s murder spree moved off to another quadrant of the battlefield, the number of mutants and cultists swarming my section of the perimeter has greatly increased
>It was only a matter of time before they got into melee range again….
>Most people assume I am the archetypical rear-echelon lady officer
>Pretty, noble-blooded, good at barking orders from safe places, and serving as a cum-dumpster for senior officers, but I learned a thing or two in the trenches of Timbuktoo, and none of it was very lady-like
>Grab a hold of a fallen chainsword lying nearby
>It is too big for me, so I have to use both hands
>Take a page from the Commissar’s book
>Counter-charge the big mutant
>Ram activated chainsword deep into the thing’s groin and up into the abdomen
>It runs right over me, taking the chainsword with it, apparently not feeling a thing or even noticing me
>Luckily, I didn’t get stomped
>Not my problem anymore
>A normal-sized cultist takes a swing at my head with a club
>Duck under it, drawing my combat knife, and rapidly stab the guy four times, twice in the groin and one in each kidney
>Grab the club from him while he is still in shock, leaving my knife in his ribs in the process
>Crack another cultist’s head with a wild backhand swing, and stun a third with a quick downswing
>Another cultist comes barreling out of nowhere
>I try to side-step him, but he manages to grab my club wielding arm
>He yells “We need to take them alive”
>Really? That definitely doesn’t frigging feel like what they are trying to do
>Manage to twist him into the path of a female cultist trying to gut me with a short sword
>The short sword becomes lodged in his back, then more deeply lodged in his back when I push him backwards to the ground
>The female cultist just stands there shocked and dismayed
>Clearly most of these idiots have zero actual combat training despite their grasp of basic tactics
>Manage to use the small break in combat to fumble the small revolver out of my pocket and pop her between the eyes
>Manage to wound or kill three more before run out of ammunition
>Why only four bullets, not six? I can’t even remember the last time I used that piece
>Throw the revolver in someone’s face, anything to buy a second of breathing room
>Scope another knife off the ground and stick it in someone’s kidney before I even fully straighten
>My next opponent rams a fist into my stomach before I even see him, doubling me over and causing me to drop my knife
>A follow up uppercut knocks me backwards several steps, but luckily the rim of the helmet I “borrowed” just before the battle started takes most of the blow
>Another guardsman takes care off my assailant while I scan the ground for another weapon to use
>Already starting to feel tired
>I am not going to survive much more of this, I am not a frigging space marine
>Be me. Alpharius.
>Entertaining the thought of actually starting up my own chapter of astartes.
>I have all the skills needed to grow organs, I can clone my own geneseed until I can find more, and am old enough to know how to train neophytes.
>I would just need to find the technology.
>It aint on this rock though.
>Get to the bar.
>See scene of absolute chaos.
>Several people are stripping and dancing provocatively on the tables.
>Including the head medicae, who is performing particularly well centre stage on the bar.
>It is at these briefest moments in my long life I pause to wonder on what I missed out on by becoming above humanity, and think if all this was a mistake.
>See Black Templar.
>He's doing the exact thing any Astartes would do in this situation. Remain stationary until the target becomes cleared acceptably to fulfil task.
>So basically he's pretending to be an ornamental fixture, and will likely continue to do so until the party dies down in here.
>Wave and walk over.
>Well, more like wade through the crowds of drunk soldiers and avoid getting any on my own uniform.
>Consider joining in the fun, but decide against it, two astartes who nearly killed each other, in a bar might make people uncomfortable.
>Another day then.
>Manage to get close to him.
>Begin conversation.
How long has she been up there?
>be me, exotic cactus farmer
>lived on planet for whole life
>grandparents' stories say planet used to not be desert and frozen landscape
>it was once a warm wet planet that no one could really die from dehydration
>Everyone had shade or water
>until...the fire nation attacked
>they came from the sky, trees and people blowing up in flames
>figures with rabid eyes and tubes of black that surged
>we cried in agony, and the planet's black guardians came to take us away
>the guardians fought with their own fire, green as our land
>these great forces collided, escalating the deaths of the first people
>many years were fought, but it came to an end at a grieveous cost
>the black guardians had pushed back the fiery invaders to a final stronghold, where they retreated into its depths
>and a light brighter than any fire we've ever seen struck the stronghold, said to be the invader's final strike
>the fire nation was never seen again, and our black guardians rested within the earth
>then it began to get hotter and colder
>all the green became brown or gray, even the dirt lost its brownness
>water stopped coming in rain
>the fauna became more monstrous
>but we had to adapt
>my grandparents say the first fights were fought with only bows and stones
>then later with giant lizards, great reflected beams of light, camels, and more we could scavenge from our new world
>in time, we were able to rely on distant star travelers and foreign trade off our planet
>our planet doesn't seem to rotate they say, so they come for 'desert' goods
>our war became more specialized
>we had guns, intense heated light, compressed gunpowder, flying machines, and more
>then a man stepped forth with a weapon to rule them all
>a native blue cactus
>with its spines, poisonous innards, and easily replenished supply, it was far more effective than lead and cordite that dulled in the heat or cold
>the man and a group of like-minded individuals were able to fight off the opposition they faced
File: OH SNAP SON.png (371 KB, 846x877)
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371 KB PNG
>the star travelers were spooked, afraid of such potent weaponry, and decided to stop fueling our war
>the man and his group disappeared shortly when ships stopped exporting guns to us
>Our planet was more peaceful than it has been in forever until 16 years ago
>newer star travelers revealed themselves to be us but on a more united scale across the galaxy
>if they were us, then they were welcome here for as long as they stayed
>but of course, the same occupation of soldiers couldn't stay long
>more invaders came to our planet, greener and warpier than we would have liked
>and now some of them live with us
>except me because fuck depending on star traveler culture
>I hear some of them even have burning sacrificial grox as part of their lifestyle
>when will they learn that burning sacrificial cactus is the way to ward off evil creatures?
>vipers don't come for my hut at night when I burn 1 every night
>but currently I am selling cactus
>Some are for eating, or hydrating, or drinking, or stabbing, or healing, or blinding, or poisoning, or making hardy clothes from
>but there is one I am wanting to sell soon
>I found this one near an old looking temple
>I took off on my giant lizard pulled wood caravan once I found bodies in the sand
>it doesn't even have spines or liquid inside when I handle it
>it just glows blue from its insides
>it must be a form of flash-frozen cactus with glow-worms inside that I can sell for a good price
>ever since I ventured far, the glow worms are trying to force the cactus back to the temple where I found it
>I don't have a knife yet to cut them out, but maybe Trisha will have one in Sodom
>she's always ready for anything she says
>even for another attack on the town
>mfw Sodom is burning in the distance

>Be Catachan ABhuman
>shit just got interesting
>these cultist get mowed down by the valkyries
>until they decide to shoot them down
>where the fuck did they this equipment
>and also the commissar madman murders them with his bare hands
>we are going to win this if he keeps going
>our krieger is silent for some reason and points to some group of cultists and a slut with a golden helmet
>they are trying to kill our LT
>constantine shot first and got some lucky headshots with his bow
>the cultists drop dead but the slut still stands after 3 arrows to the head
>this helmet must be solid gold if those arrow just got stuck in it
>the slut got disoriented for a brief while but then makes some psychic shield
>now she stands there while me constantine and the kriegert try to kill her
>we do precisely dick
>fortunaltley the commissar noticed her
>be me, black market armory salesman
>hear sounds of a pretty nasty fight outside
>fuckers are breaking one of the only rules I had set
>quickly open my door chuck a few stolen frag grenades into the group of chaos cultists
>shut door
>hear muffled boom
>life is good
Wouldn't orks just overwhelm a feudal world because mekboys just know how to make cool stuff?
>Be local commissar’s hat
>The local commissar is no longer available for 1st person point of view story telling since his mind has become such a seething ball of RAAAAGGEEEEEE!!!!!! that anyone who tries to look upon his innermost thoughts would simply disintegrate from all the PURE FUCKING HATE!!!!!!!!!!!
>The local commissar’s hat was not originally sentient in anyway, but was granted basic sentience by Thypptyklpt because he finds the fear, confusion, and suffering of others amusing
>Be local commissar’s hat
>Riding on the commissar’s head
>Hanging on for dear life
>The commissar clubs some cultist so hard the remains of his head end up in his bowels
>The club handle snaps
>The commissar picks up some other guy by the ankle and uses him to bludgeon another group of cultists into paste
>No one else in area that isn’t retreating
>Commissar chases after them, both middle fingers extended and yelling “DIIIEEE HEERRRRRREETIIIICCC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
>Almost everyone that see him are transfixed with fear, or stunned by the pure power of his hatred
>A few spontaneously catch fire
>The commissar senses something and spontaneously changes direction
>He is running several times the speed of a normal human and anyone who gets in his way is thrown in the air like they were hit by a fast-moving vehicle
>He jumps through a burning Valkyrie, and bursts out the other side like he was jumping through wet cardboard opposed to military grade armor
>There is a lady up ahead wearing a revealing dress and a big golden helmet with three arrows sticking out of it
>Nearby guardsmen are pouring fire at her at an impressive rate, but solid rounds and arrows just bounce off of some sort of psychic shield
>And lasfire just hits her skin and dissipates like she is absorbing it somehow
>I guess that is our target…
>Hold onto the commissar’s head a bit tighter, this is going to be a rough ride
>The commissar pulls a wing off of the Valkyrie he just jumped through, and leaps 20 feet in the air, yelling “DDIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE HHEEEEEEEERRRRRRRREEEEEEEETTTTTICCCCCCCC!!!!!!!”, and swinging the Valkyrie wing down at the psyker lady like an axe……….
>be me, exotic cactus farmer
>watching Sodom burning from a distance
>the horror, the grief
>the loss of my selling location
>hear grunting behind me
>nearly fall off my lizard when
I see one of those large men
>could he still be called a man with that amount of tentacles?
>he grabs the cactus meant for boosting...hormones for those with lacking libido
Sir? What are you looking for?
>the large man reaches into his back and throws the appropriate amount of change into my caravan
>I am disturbed
>then he goes off brandishing the tallest cactus I have (7-8 feet) like a club towards Sodom
>that cactus is going to be smashed open and release enough urges in the people to start another Sodom
>ehh okay, if it starts another Sodom
>now where's my smoking cactus
>Be Inquisitor Elizabeth Durnham
>Still disguised as the “Prophet of Change”
>Something powerful has manifested down at the landing site
>It is like a ball of pure psychic rage
>Nascent psyker? manifesting daemon? Imperial Saint?
>It is hard to tell
>All bets are off
>The entity has moved to the far side of the battle from where I am standing
>Sense presence nearby
>Johanna Biddensworth
>One of the key ringleaders of their little mutiny
>Grab the Knife of Fleshchange
>Powerful daemon weapon
>It is used by the cult primarily to create those massive mutants they like so much
>But one prick from this little babble will irreversibly alter the flesh, cause massive agony, yet make the victim immune to all but the most horrendous injuries
>Perfect for a little revenge
>Realize I am taking an awfully big risk for a bit of vengeance
>It is not like the guardsmen would have lived very long anyways against daemons and necrons
>But what is the point in living if you don’t make time for the finer things in life
>And nobody defies my orders without consequences……
New thread have fun
fixed it have fun


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