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/tg/ - Traditional Games

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>Be Backwater Agriworld on the edge of segmentum
>Half population turns to chaos, other half rebels and joins blue commie xenos
>threat level: Low
>High command sends in one Imperial gaurd regiment
>Mix of Valhallans, Vostroyan, Cadian, Praetorian, Catachan, Drooki fen guard and traces of other regiments
>They are a complete disorganized mess
>of questionable intelligence
>Lead by incompetent officers
>general is a coward, Lord Commissar is a tool, Junior commissar is a thirsty slut
>one medic for whole regiment, is a Penal legionary
>competent Commissar is actually Ork kommando in cunning disguise
>After four years of siting on their asses, winter rolls around
>Mass offensive against Heretic trenches is started by accident
>Skitarii arrive and get Valhallans drunk
>rumors spread and Valhallans get mad, start "glorious ardbass crusade/purge of heretics"
>Praetorians pick a fight with or baneblade
>Tau drone out searching for love, is single and ready to mingle
>Felinid regiment arrives as reinforcements
>Slaanesh won't stop masturbating

Buckle up, ahead lies shit tons of Slaanesh tier porn, angry khrone bois, ARDBASS SLAVS, retarded guardsmen and lazy xenos.

first thread:
First thread:

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>Be Slaanesh
>Hear some fleshy mortal say I won't stop masturbating
>I am a the Prince of pleasure asshole
>I am a grown ass warp god
>I can do the fuck what I want
>whenever I want with anything I want
>why are people always judging me?
>tears leak down my body
>mess around with my fun stick for minute or too
>turns out tears make pretty good lube
>Wait! I know what this needs
>look at demonette who happens to be walking by
>give her the "look"
>grab her and start ramming her ear
>Ooooooh yeah much better
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>Be me, Marine of the Dionysus Revelers
>The Company managed to suddenly translate into this system with all this shit going on.
>The Far Hunters are likely not far behind
>mfw we just wanted some new spices to make Ambrosia
Emperor damn it....


>Be Disguised Ork Blood Axe Kommando 'Commissar Bax'
>Surrounded by a bunch of halfwit humies who somehow haven't lost the planet to chaos or blueberries yet
>Probably because the Chaos gits are stab-happy muppets with zero brains in their skulls or perverts trying to stick their urty bitz in said skulls all the time
>The blueberries are just straight-up morons
>Junior Commissar Svenja's what the sistahs in the local convent call a 'shameless skank', Lord Commissar's squig-brained git, general woulda been krumped a long time ago as a weakling if he was a warboss
>And now a bunch of furball humies just showed up as reinforcements
>One of them is already trying to get his urty bitz in her urty bitz and he hasn't even been here 10 minutes yet
>Oh, and now the cogboyz are here too
>What's next? Panzees? Knowing my luck they'll be just as dumb as the humies Iz somehow leading
>Should probably check on where that shipment of 50 baneblades disappeared to now that I think about it. Hopefully the Orks don't have them up and running yet.
>Watch gundrone spin round and round trying to throw off drunken Valhallan hanging from it
>Pick up bottle of valhallan vodka and hurl it at flying dinner plate.
>Yell "CYKA BLYAT!!" for good measure
>Be curious PDF on safe warm planet
>Lookin' in recruitment office
>LOOK at female recruiter's tits on accident
>Bitch had connections to big commisar
>Head gets grabbed and thrown onto a cruiser
>Black out
>Wake up in new uniform and no lasgun
>Have new scrap chestpiece and bolt pistol
>Hear thumping
>Big ass commisar fuck that grabbed me appears
>grabs and drags my legs through snow
>tfw when No yellow snow eaten
>thrown onto snow bike
and told to help move stuff he asks me
>"Listen tah me ya git! Commisar Bax! Or BLAM!"
>Running errands for months in snow and heretic conflicts carrying stupid sized war stuff
>Trade some binoculars for some local mechanic to larger seat for bigger war stuff
>See general nearby walking around angrier than usual
>ask general before anger implodes
>Says he's pissed off that he does not have binoculars and has to stay closer to trenches to see shit
>Fast walk back to bike and ask Bax for orders
>Says to deliver messages to position on map to Praetorian troops
>far as fuck but have to go because of fear and new purpose
>On way out, see general and guardsmen toss out stuff from local cabin
> On way to separate camp, see trenches and bigger vehicles pass by
>it becomes night when I reach position
>mfw no troops found
>follow tracks in snow
>barely can see through dark in snow with light
>suddenly tackled by praetorian guardsman
>Yells at my face to turn the bloody light off
>the bike is in the snow
>calm the fuck down and grab the message from the bike
>fuck glares and takes the message to his boss
>bring back bike to path and ride to fork on road
>choose one farther than trenches before hearing sounds
>Choosing to ride towards sounds
>sounds like heavy drums
>sounds like fireworks
>sounds like cheering
>is there a concert?
>concert turns to be clusterfuck
>pass by ripped house
>look out beyond house and see the "concert"
>there is fire on the trenches
>start the engine and turn to see a man with gun
>I slow down after he shoots my helmet
>At gunpoint he forces me to let him get on
>At gunpoint he tells me to drive to fire
>IDGAF when tank is running behind us
>I drive and rider shoots spiky looking people
>fuck it's the khonates
>fuck it's my guys
>fuck it's the bitch who sent me here beating ass
>fuck it's the commisar who grabbed me
>what the fuck is the spinning thing
>Be Eversore Assassin
>Be on this planet
>Run around and slaughter heretics and chaos worshippers left and right
>Leave scenes of carnage and bloody corpses
>Don't know how I got here, but am happy to here, I'm having so much fun
>Repeat the same shit with the next sight of heretic
>No one will ever know I was here, because they're to busy playing dead
>be Private Viktor
>true Valhallan comrade
>maybe little drunk too at moment
>World spinning like mad
>I cannot let go of crazy spinning blue xeno pussy drone
>Nyet, I never will let go
>God Tsar no want pussy in Valhallan soldat
>Babushka never would forgive if Viktor let go and become pussy
>No, I grip tight
>Plug I hold onto is strange
>it twitch and zap hand
>make strange noise
>We are going down
>Fast, like ardbass
>see commissar Svejna on floor under kot guardsmen
>Cyka blyat
>Lady cannot wait til night to make babies with mutant
>God Tsar protect comrades
>what this?
>Commissar Bax throw me Bottle of glorious vodka from mother planet
>Manage to catch
>but now I flail like glorious imperial flag in wind
>...or comrade Svenja in room full of horny Gaurdsmen
>Hear true commissar yell scared words "Cyka Blyat"
>Viktor know what must do
>Pull bottle open with teeth
>let sweet taste of motherplanet shoot into mouth
>Cry thinking about Glorious motherplanet national anthem
>Da...It time God Tsar
>I do for imperium, I do for you, I do for pure ARDBASS!
>Stab vodka bottle into Xeno pussy drone dataport
>Shit, it jam in now
>It ok, I use two hands to hold on again
>Cuddle Xeno Blyat drone like baby, put all weight towards falling
>See Lone Heretic Cyka trying to run
>We do this comrades
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>tank chasing us is slow
>speed the fuck up close to our guys
>spinny thing is shot by my rider
and something falls off
>big ass commissar tells my rider to get the fuck off
>rider gets the fuck off because commissar is bigger than shotgun
>Commissar manages to ride on my bike
>He looks at something in the distance
>I see the Praetorian guys I gave a message to coming over a hill
>the commissar tells me to ride over there
>past some yelling guardsmen and screaming rebels
>be humble priest(ess) of the Glorious God Emperor of Mankind
>Leave Canoness office
>Guard was glaring at me
>..was i suppose to keep this a secret?
>had to shave using candle before getting to >cheeks now slighly pink
>be sure to aquire las-shaver when getting equipment.
>thankfully barracks empty upon my arrive >quickly change in initiate robes.
>still not sure if suppose to keep..'staff of office' secret from other sisters.buthowthough
>help self to to fresh recap/hot-chocolate mix
>sister barracks much better equipped then seminary at lower hive Schola Progenium
>take sip of calming hot-chocolate.
>hear ruckus of approaching unit of sister
>Emperor bless you humble servants pitiful disguise.panicreturns
>take gulp of calming HOT! owowowocolate.
>barracks doors burst open.
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>be General Darrius Kragg
>retreated to my bunker as soon as I heard those crazy Valhallan guardsmen showed up
>screaming about their "hardbass" or whatever that garbage is called
>More of a classic imperial country man myself
>anyway, Finally made contact with High command
>As usual some top brass officer that has a grey knight's glaive shoved up his arse answers the Hologram vox
>"What do you want this time ....general?"
>Tell him what we've been needing this whole time
>why is it so hard to understand?
>all I need...is a couple more divisions to throw at the heretics until they buckle under the meat grinder of idiots
>Planets is back under the imperium
>they ship this regiment of retards to some Slaanesh demon planet so they can go all fuck themselves
>then get my promotion and transfer my arse to the inquisition so I don't have to babysit morons ever again
>just purge them
>and I know who is first on my list when that happens
>Take deep breaths, didn't expect to explode like that
>High command arsehole doesn't seem pleased
>"I see general. Well I am afraid your request for reinforcements has already been fulfilled commander...twice."
>Wait...WHAT?! fuck off! when?!
>"two years ago, a generous shipment of newly manufactured baneblades had been shipped to your back end planet general. And now additional regiments of Felinid guardsmen have been dispatched to your front they should be arriving soon...."
> "and that is not including the two chapters of Lord Astartes who are converging onto the that warp cursed planet....Timbuktu? as it called"
>I am speechless....when the fuck did this happen?
>why are we important all of a sudden
>The high command officer glares at me
>"next time you wish to pester high command, ensure that you incompetent management is not the problem before contacting us..."
>"You will be put down for a review once those filthy traitors are dealt with"
>Transmission terminated
>be gun drone
>fucking drunkin gorilla won't let go.stillfeelsgood
>somehow has aquired more alcohol.feelingdizzy
>adminSCL requesting copy of data
>starting to suspect admin is pervgram.
>systems critical prepare for upload.
>tactical and strategic logic engines suggest drone force should retreat.
>set guns to overload
>tell remaining shield drone to cover me.
>crash into container of butthurtingbottles.flammible?
>upload complete.
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>Be commissar Svenja ullric
>The new Mechanicus guardsmen sure don;t talk much
>Shame too, they look extremely sturdy
>Probably could teach me a lesson my rear end would never forget
>especial with all those pistons in there hips
>Oh emperor, please tell me they have piston engines in the hips
>Why are my knees weak all of a sudden?
>Oh shit, these Metal guardsmen have been staring at me the whole time
>I can feel my face turn red
>Don't want to give off the right impression you know?
>Besides, if Commissar asswipe or that hunk Bax catch me flirting again, they would probably be on my ass about it
>not that I'd mind if it was Bax
>Oh there I got again
>I thought it was meant to be cold out here
>Why am I sweating?
>Snap out of my little "scene" when Bax yells some Valhallan low gothic
>Look up to see blue Xeno robot spinning out of control
>its shooting plasma charges all over the place
>wait, why the hell is that dancing Valhallan swinging around on that thing
>The insane gaurdsmen catches a bottle Bax threw him
>Pretty goo catch I have to admit
>find my face splashing into the mud
>Feel this warm body on top of me
>Pull myself up drawing my las pistol
>see that it's just a guardsmen who saved me from a plasma facial
>Naaaaw, how sweet-
>Wait, WOW! Never seen a Felinid up close before
>Glad I am though
>He is quite a qt
>Do you think he would be good at licking things?
>you know...to clean his fur....and stuff
>"Hows it going there pussycat? Enjoying the view?"
>Pull open my muddy blouse, see if he is interested
>Realize that Valhallan is still wrestling that xeno drone
>Hold on I'm coming you crazy
>Watch the Xeno gundrone crazh into a Heretic supply crate filled with bootlegs alcohol, taking the Valhallan with it
>It erupts into a massive ball of fire
>even burns a near by heretic to a crisp
>well, this day has been interesting
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Comrade Viktor, NO!
>Be Eversore Assassin
>Just finished murdering a bunch of cultist
>By the Emperor that was fun
>But now the fun is over and it's boring again
>Sees a general retreat to some bunker
>Runs to said bunker
>Knocks on door *bang* *bang* *bang*
>realize everyone is khornates or cultist
>commissar is yelling at me for something
>explosions and gunfire so loud I can't hear well
>while riding see severed hand flying past me
>look back realizing it's from the explosion earlier
>that hand looks like my hand
>I realize I still have my hand
>I realize how I caused a mishap with the General with this hand
>I realize how I messed up patrols weeks ago with this hand
>I realize how I stole some blankets from mates with this hand
>I realize how I spilled re-caff on maps with this hand
>realize what shit I am
>run over a trench head rebel
>I continue to ride
>selfish duty to right wrongs realized
>grimface activated
>proceed to nearby trench and ram or roadkill rebels
>get stuck in trench on roadkill
>rider grabs my neck
>commissar yells and tells me to go back
>I tear roadkill with bike and get out of trench
>I go back running over more rebels
>see new metal and furry faces
>tits McGee I mean armed female recruiter slaps me
>don't flinch because I deserve it
>commissar slaps me to the ground because he only wanted me to confirm if it was the Guards I gave a message to, not take him for a ride
>I lay in the snow because I'm more useful this way instead of mishearing things
>back feels weird
>obligatory snow angel because I feel guilty
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>Mfw the only competent member of the guard is an Ork Kommando in disguise as a regular commissar
>mfw the human junior commissar's a thirsty slut more interested playing 'I outrank you now ride me like a bike' and getting liquid blams in her hoo-hah instead of blamming guardsmen
>mfw the bumbling general in charge of this hodge-podge regiment managed to lose 50 Baneblades without even knowing it
How in the God-Emperor's name has the Imperium kept this planet from falling into enemy hands for four years? ITS DEFENDED BY ABSOLUTE MORONS!
>be private Lachlan warrick
>spent four fucking hours wonderin about this pale white shithole trying to find greenskins
>fucking freezing me knackers off cuz the praetorian khakis were made for boiling hit by humid shit holes or dry grassland
>surprised that no sniper has offt me yet
>I am a cunt in a red tunic and pith helmet walking out in the snow
>then I remember that blueberries are a bunch of lazy cunts who rather be poofters in their bunkers than do shit
>eventually walk up this hill and find that the cheeky green cunts got themselves some big ass tanks
>though the green skins are wearing fur nappies, so it should be alright
>report back to tight arsed sir wanker
>give him the run down
>looks like he is about to shit out a shard of glass for some reason
>orders all us blokes huddle in
>wanker has a nice long yap and makes us sit through all of it
>get moving again
>lead them to greenskin tank village
>sir stifflip orders us to get in ranks
>warm up my las gun and kneel in the front row
>get a sight on this doope looking green cunt with missing eye
>lets seen if I can make them match for ya, ya greencunt
>ground starts shaking
>there's fucking banging music approaching fast
>Fucking Hell!
>those green cunts managed to get one working
>some of them are dancing on the tank as it moves
>even got scrappy tracks suits on, I shit you not
>what the shit!
>my ears are fucking deaf now
>floating through the air like shack of shit
>rest of me bits and pieces are also flying through the air, along with some cunts arm, cheekbone and torso
>fuck me dead
>that tank literally blasted us arise over head
>not looking forward to the landing
>be me, Igor Pidarskij, general of a glorious Valhallan regiment stationed on the other side of this mess of a world
>got contacted a while back by higher ups that some General Darius Chrackor something can't deal with some cultist cykas
>kiss goodbye to babushka
>on our way, we got into pre-battle rituals with vodka and borsch
>we are in range
>squat over comms and yell
>turn up the hardbass so they can hear it over the comms
>then ask where should we meet up for glorious meeting with vodka
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>...."the human junior commissar's a thirsty slut more interested playing 'I outrank you now ride me like a bike' and getting liquid blams in her hoo-hah..."
>be Slaanesh
>and what is the problem with that corpse worshiper?
>I love playing that game
>*tosses dead demonette with new skull cavity aside*
>how can your truly know your work colleges of you have never been inside them?
>or how can they understand you if they've never been inside you?
>Its Dark prince policy to be always down to fuck
>Its a team building...errrm..."experience"
>pinches nipples
>is it Just me? Or does anyone else craving to be fisted by a crazy corpse worshiping bitch?
>Be Felinid Lieutenant Liono
>The lady Commissar is asking if I'm enjoying the view
>Look down, see her bust
>cat ears perk up
>wait no this must be a trick
>Commissar's blam at the drop of a hat
>If I say yes she'll might blam me for being a pervy catboy-er, catman and not dying for the Emperor like a proper guardsman
>If I say no she'll probably blam me for refusing her
>So this is the life of a regular guardsman
>"Yes ma'am! I like it very much ma'am!"
>mama always said honesty was the best policy
>See crazy drunk Valhallan crash into crate of alcohol from falling drone
>That loud pumping bass music is still pumping out of the trenches and the scary-looking commissar doesn't seem to be interested in stopping it
>What in the Emperor's glorious ears kind of madhouse of a world did the Administratum send us to?
Slav Orks are superior to posh not!British praetorian guard confirmed!
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>notice commibitch is getting all cozy with the furfag guardsman
>decide to take biometric scans of everyone present
>the Slavs are displaying a blood alcohol level of 7.3% alongside massive adrenal gland activity
>Bax seems to have undergone (mildly heretical) bio enhancements
>the Robo-bitches are displaying 0% brain activity (as per the usual) although several are showing signs of pelvic deformation
>mfw commislut has several marital aids lodged throughout her intestinal tract all of them larger than 4 inches
>several marital aids lodged throughout her intestinal tract all of them larger than 4 inches
......How hasn't this Commissar fallen to Slaanesh and/or corrupted the entire regiment into some sort of sex orgy cult yet?
can't believe this thing is still going
>be Vox Operator
>hear some Valhalla roar on the Vox
>ears ring more
>explosions don't help
>must find my COs
>running deaf is weird
>Valhalla roar now is Valhalla slur
>bar meet up?
>who the fuck is this???
>trip after caller turns out to be General
>General that is going to turn me into red Cyka if I don't give him a bar meet up time
>must find COs
>find our General's bunker
>scary thing is banging on the door
>I completely understand the situation and decide to walk away
>find fuckfest of battle
>find skitari and feline troops here
>3 of them have larger chests
>3 of them could be girls
>1 of them could be buff guy
>see commissars slap a guy down to the snow
>It feels weird seeing a commissar exposing her skin
>walk past man in the snow
>Blood-soiled Guardsman is making a bloody snow angel with a too serious face
>big Commissar Bax spots me
>holy throne he's scary
>Absolute Unit saying something and I can't hear much
>I stand still
>Annoyed Absolute Unit gestures me to come over
>I come over
>Absolute Unit turns me around and grabs my Vox
>currently between 2 commissars, some exotic troops, dying men, crazy men in battle
>interesting story for bar story time
the steadfast Krump'n hand of of Commissar Bax
>Be Eversor Assassin
>Fucker still won't open the door
>See Vox Operator
>Sees a bunch of people
>Jumps into the middle of the group
>Translation: Hey fucker, where's all the cultist, I need heretic to slaughter, it's getting fucking boring out here!

Somehow I screwed with events and now brought an assassin and another company to the crazy group. Bike guy was supposed to see commissar lady playing inspector with Felind, but now I made her get out of her over arousal and slap bike dude.
To make things move along, if that's what is preventing Ork man from writing, I'll just say that bike guy comes after the arousal and does his whole murder spree, and everything else that follows. If not, then Ork man decides what's really happening.

What are ski training and felinds gonna do now? Take a new scratch and blast offense with the eversor assassin taking point? While commissars rally troops and others still alive to take back the Baneblades?

Turns out Back is actually a necron infiltrator

Baxposter here. Its fine anon, I was just sleepin' after getting home work is all.

>Be Disguised Ork Kommando 'Commissar Bax'
>I swear to Gork I am surrounded by a bunch of grot-brained humies
>humie on bike drives up and gives me message from Praetorian Guard
>Apparently they're hunting down the stolen Baneblades and have confirmed the Orks stole the Baneblades
>Welp, they're zogged.
>Look around and realize all the heretic khornates are dead.
>One cult of heretics down, one cult of heretics and one cult of xeno-loving traitors to go then
>Oh, and we have to go get the Baneblades back
>Turn to Svenja, the Felinids, the Valhallans, the other IG troopers and the cogboyz
>Raise chainsword in 'inspiring pose' over me head since humies love that shit
>"Aroight you bunch of fookin' muppets! We took out one bunch of heretics, but the Emprah wants us to keep going! We've got to recover a bunch of Baneblades, drive dem bloody Tau off the planet, and crush that daemon sex cult!"
>"We're gonna crush them all in the name of the Emprah!!"
>Realize an Eversor's right in the middle of the group
>Fall silent for a moment
>Point at Eversor
>"You... go krush those Slaaneshi fuckers! For the Emprah!"

Great then, do what you want anon!
If someone doesn't respond with wryyy in the next hour I'm breaking out the great indecent one
>The Commissar "who is most definitely not an ork" points me into the direction of Slaaneshi cultist and deamonettes
>Fucking finally may the fun begin
>Jumps out of trench and runs towords heretics and deamonettes
>Starts slaughtering them left, right, front, and center
>These thing are really easy cut open and tear apart
>They don't even stand a chance
>Love watching these cultists and deamonettes look at me with horror as they all become a bloody mess
Welp I'm off to work now, see y'all later
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>Eversor slaughtering heretics to the rock metal version of the Cancan
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>Be General Darrius Kragg
>Currently shitting myself
>Been pacing around the bunker for half a hour now
>I am going to be put under review if we win this campaign
>Maybe if sabotage the campaign?
>make it go on for twenty years
>Hope the Current High command dies out and forgets about me
>yeah....this regiments is retarded enough to drag this out for ten more years
>Vox caster crackles
>Here some incomprehensible low gothic and Valhallan heavy bass music
>what I am guessing is a Valhallan moron, yells into the vox
>calls me a Cyka blyat
>decent person picks up the vox and greets me as general
>recognize that voice
>....How did that slut commissar survive this long?
>wait...no I don;t want to know
>She informs me that we've taken out the Khronite heretics
>what?....NO! NO! Pull back! PULL BACK
>vox caster crackles silent
>*paniced breathing*
>Fuck,fuck,fuck,fuck, I am so fucked!
>Welp time to get to it I suppose
>Heard a near by leisure planet is good around this time of the solar cycle
>Start packing my suitcase
>Just shoving anything I can into it so I can bail as soon as possible
>Hear a knock on the door
>...who the fuck is that? what do they want?!
>just hear this ass clentching "WRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYY"
>.....yep....fuck that....
>Open the window leading out the back in the bathroom, toss my suit case out side and jump out after it
>Fuck this planet, fuck this regiment...Lord commissar Lerch can take over....fuck him
Was there any doubt cormade? Cheeki breeki always stronger than pussy tea sipper
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>be magos
>be sat outside bathroom trying to get a scan of the commander
>peak my head through a window
>immediately get thrown on my ass by a travel case to the face
>feel something or someone land on the holy robodong
>feel something snap
>screech with enough volume to get a carnifex to fuck off
>Be junior Commissar Svenja
>Looks like commissar Bax really pulled us through this one.
>Who knew that all it took was a hunk of a man and dangerously drunk Valhallans was all it took to kill the heretics
>Look back at the at Felinid trooper
>He is still staring at my chest
>aaaaaw, he is so adorable!
>His ears are perking up and everything
>"Yes ma'am! I like it very much ma'am!"
>...I'll admit, first time someone has been honest with me
>No sure why, but I lost my breath for a second
>deep breaths, deep breaths
>So like, are you doing anything after? If not..I can give you something to do.
>please tell me you aren't neutered
>WOAH get a grip woman, were still in a tench brawl
>ask him later
>slap my self out of the wonderful daze and pull my self up, also help the qt mutant to his feet
>Those metal guardsmen are still just standing there for some reason.
>whats wrong them? they brain dead or something?
>Doesn't matter though, the brawl seems to be over now
>Wait, what is that one doing?
>Is he scanning me?!
>Tense up nervously
>Hope he doesn't see those Imperial pocket massagers I shoved up my ass
>What? they help me keep warm.
>Really warm
>Said in the handbook that it is important to keep moving when on freezing ice worlds
>Hold up
>were is the remote?
>Shit, I have got to find it before
>Commissar Bax bellows out in his rugged voice
>see his muscles flex as he raises his Chainsword like he is the manifestation of the emperor himself
>oh emperor, I...I need a moment
>hope no one can see me blushing
>Bax begins to deliver an inspiration speech
>find it hard to breath with every syllable
>Why won't you have me commissar Bax! LOVE ME you son of a bitch!
>HEY! HEY! HEY! what the fuck?!
>Maasaagers seemed to get more excited
>There bouncing around in there now
>Legs are wiggling like crazy
>Look around
>spot that this Valhallan drunkard has found the remote
>turns it up to max
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>Be Ork Bad Moon Big Mek "Morslav Gitkrumpa"
>Me and my new Baneblade tank krumped those fancy pants-wearing humie wankers good an' proppa!
>Sun boy driver iz taking us closer to da humie trench line
>Music is still blasting out of Baneblade's external voxcasters https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fro6je9L5kg
>Stick head outta tank hatch again
>The Deffskulls on top of Baneblade are wearing tracksuits now
>they're blue tracksuits, because Deffskulls
>They're dancing on top of the tank
>They've got humie booze called vodka
>No longer firing tank gunz after Baneblade drives over what's left of the hill those fancy-looking poofters were standing on
>Cheeki Breeki'd Baneblade Orks 1
>Tea sipping Humie wankers 0
>Spot bunker in the distance
>Hear someone screaming in pain through hardbass
>Grab gitfinda googles and take a look
>Itz one of dem cogboyz and a humie boss outside back of a humie bunker
>Run down to Baneblade driver compartment and kick speed-crazed sunboy in back of head
>Evil Sunz boy whacks me in the urty bitz for kicking him in the head
>Double over in surprise
>Sunz boy shifts the Baneblade into next gear
>Blizzard of snow is sprayed everywhere as it starts rumbling toward General Darius Kragg and Magos at speeds that shouldn't be possible, blaring more hardbass with squatting and increasingly drunk 'slav' Deffskulls riding on top, screaming:
Fuck, now I want to see someone do art of Orks and guardsmen as slavs.
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>Be Slaanesh
>Over hear some metal fleshy mrtal mention my name
>"huh? what now?"
>Pull fist out my asshole and take a look into the matrium
>who needs to be corrupted by me now?
>See one of the biggest corpse worshiping dick jockey I have ever seen
>Warp damn it woman, Not even demonettes are this thirsty...and they feed of that fucking shit
>Even I have standards you thirsty skank in uniform
>get help...
>pfffft nah, She is total down will me metal fuckboy
>thanks for pointer her out to me
>*licks lips*
>Now lets see what I can do here
>realize she has vibrators shoved up her hoo-ha and anus
>Damn, I already like you bitch
>be a shame if....some one found that remote
>....I'm just gonna...*fap*fap*fap*fap*fap*FAPFAPFAFAFAP*FAP*FAP
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Does anyone want to save the general and magos in a chase scene with a snowbike?
bike man is taking a rest in the snow, so...
no wait the general could save himself by stealing the bike
whatever. free real estate for bike over here.
Imperial warranty does not cover winter damage to engine.

Now these guys should come at full speed somehow or some time. Vehicle charge with Russian anthem playing. Of course running into friend and foe. That or I'm not really being a proper guardsmen supporting our Imperial forces.

Now what about those catachans...are they frozen meat cubes trying to hump heaters in local houses? Or frantically starting fires?
That poor captain's daughter. She needs to get WARM. STAT.
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I think this needs to be standard issue for the guardsmen on this planet
>Be new battlesister initiate
>Enter barracks
>See blatant priest sitting in barracks
>Wait what
>But the Sisters of Battle have a 'no men at arms' rule
>After being stuck in a convent with a bunch of no-nonsense hardass women...
>But first
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>Be private Viktor
>No feeling comrades
>I weightless, there no light
>Where I go?
>Maybe there nothing after death after all
>No glory of god tsar? no endless ardbass in warp
>Wait comrades
>I hear something....da! noise in the blackness
>it quiet
>Turn volume up pussy! viktor must know
>ARDBASS shake the darkness
>Da! this is much better
>Now there is light
>Comrades....it is the light, the glorious Light of god Tsar
>Babushka? what do in afterlife?
>You back at motherplanet wit grandpa
>"Viktor...Viktor my milinke volk."
>Da babushka? I here
>"You hear ardbass my milinke volk?"
>DA! I do babushka
>"It call to you my milinke volk...Gad tsar is waiting for you"
>"but it is not time my milinke volk...."
>"...there still heretic cyka blyat and xeno pussies to kill my milinke Volk"
>Aaaahhhh I now understand
>"Go my milinke volk, show pussy guadsmen what true ardbass valhallan comrade be....FOR THE GOD TSAR VIKTOR! FOR THE GOD TSAR!"
>Wake up
>Coat on fire, ushanka on fire....everything on fire
>Cyka blyat!
>Roll away into snow, rip off coat
>Pants and boots still ok
>Slap out fire of ushanka, I not pussy, babushka give ushanka
>Put on head
>Cold greet skin
>Aaaaaaah just like glorious mother planet
>See comrades gather round commissar Bax
>He give new orders
>I join my comrades
>they give me new bottle
>the glorious crusade for god tsar's ardbass continue comrades
>Bite of lid and drink
>Feel ardbass in veins, must dance
>Try stop me cyka blyat heretics
>all comrades join in
>We on hunt for pink traitor pussies
>Show them what true guardsmen be
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>Be Felinid Guardsmen Private Schrodinger
>Be barely old enough to serve in guard
>Be shipped out to cold-as-hell planet
>See Lieutenant of Regiment getting frisky with local human commissar
>Me-ow she's hot!
>Hear scary voice yelling that we're going to keep going and 'krush dem all in the name of the Emprah'
>that does not look like a normal humie
>Are we the only abhumans in the Imperium who can't be our own commissars?
>Notice Commissar Lady's legs shaking
>Her breathing is heavy
>Do baseline humans go into heat or is that just normal pornoslate nonsense?
>See Valhallans getting drunk again, dancing, and still blasting that loud music
>This world is weird.
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This whole planet needs to go
>Trying to declare Exterminatus on a planet where an incompetent IG regiment is actually starting to win
Go home Inquisitor, you're drunk. Again.
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>be General Darrius Kragg
>tried bailing out the window of my bunker
>ended up landing on some mechanics retard who just laying there for some reason
>fell top of him pretty hard
>felt this metal prod stick into my thigh
>the fuck was that?
>whatever it was I broke it
>almost end up deaf after the mechanicus idiotif blew my ear drums with a screech that would make tyranids cry
>Now rolling on the floor holding bleeding ears
>feel ground shake
>ears are ringing but I can hear a faint bass tempo
>look at where it is coming from
>you can't be fucking serious
>See tracksuited greenskins dancing a top a motherfucking baneblade as it is rolling over towards us
>See this motorbike gaurdsmen also barreling towards me
>what did I do to deserve this my emperor?
>is this because of that one time I that your son rabuttman ceaser should take over since you were grok jerky in a chair
>please forgive me emprah!
>Incompetent leader
>trying to desert because you don't want to face official Administratum Review (Not that I blame you since an 'official review' probably makes even the most extensive IRS audit look tame and friendly by comparison)
>Insulted the Glorious Man-Emperor of Mankind AND said Rowboat Gorillaman should take over
At this point I'm 97% certain the only reason you didn't get BLAM'd by a commissar is because the Lord Commissar's a suicidal moron, the Ork in disguise doesn't want to draw any unnecessary attention to himself and be exposed as a greenskin, and a junior commissar who's the thirstiest thot this side of the Great Rift.

Basically, you deserve everything bad that happens to you.
Commissar svenja is going to be devastated when she finds out Orks don't have willies

>Be Felinid Lieutenant Liono
>Ow the scary commissar's loud
>Also, he has a weird accent.
>He's telling everyone we have to go recover Baneblades, kill Tau, and crush another Chaos cult
>He sent this skullfaced guy off to kill the chaos freaks
>Where the hell did guy even come from?
>Turn and order The McConnell 1st to advance toward the Tau battle line
>Fuck going after those Baneblades, I'll let the normal humans deal with that shit.
>I'm not cowardly I just have survival instincts
>Turn to Commissar Svenja
>Why are her legs wobbling?
>she looks like she's vibrating.
>Is she... is she blushing?!
>grab Svenja's shoulder
>"Ma'am, would you like to accompany my regiment on our assault on the Tau front lines?"
>totally not trying to get in her pants
>Nope, just making sure she's alright.
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Slaanesh can always give HER one though....just saying
>implying Svenja won't be satisfied by Felinid willy
Felinid D is superior to Ork 'urty bitz' (aka what passes for greenskin's junk)
>be player

sorry but i will be very slow in/if responding for few day(s) possibly. personal issues.

sucks i was enjoying this.
>be IG bike user
>getting ready for assault
>look at female recruiter shivering
>everyone is looking at female recruiter shivering
>she falls and she leans on catman's shoulders
>she shrieks a moan and looks at something with ribbed pleasure
>Everyone and me see the lucky vahallan trooper with a familiar remote we see around the barracks
>Now there's a line protecting the remote and another trying to get it back
>Commissar Bax bull rushes troops to the remote
>force sends the remote far to the General's bunker area
>everyone gives chase, but commissar bax shoots 1 guy in the butt and they all stop
>glad I'm not involved
>Commissar points at me and tells me to get the remote
>Rev the bike and dash to the bunker
>spot remote
>dismounting before spotting general and Magos
>General had a big fall and the Magos made a terrible call
>hear rumble
>rev engine because maybe commissar couldn't hold back our pervs
>relive childhood relay race with spare grenade by grabbing remote with ease
>put away remote without turning it off
>rumbling gets louder
>Heart starts pumping with the beat
>pass the general and magos mid stupor
>so confused I ride in circles
>turn around and brake at the stupefied 2
>General tries to shove me off, but I return with an ELBOW to the chin
>As general lays on bike, I get the fuck away
>feel metal clamp on bike seat
>turn to see the Magos clinging on like a metal spider
>ORK BANEBLADE crashes into the bunker and is stuck there
>It might get out
>Made it back
>everyone is guilty when they expect me to give the remote
>female recruiter looks hopeful
>I stop and dismount
>Stop Commissar from speaking by speaking nonsense after evading
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>Be Ratling Sniper
>saved an injured tall legs and Commissar from demonettes
>They think is some divine intervention from the god emperor
>Don't even remember I exist, I get no signal of thanks
>Angrily flick spent up cigar out of my watch tower window
>Grab a new cigar and light it up
>Start scanning the battlefield again
>Pick off a couple of heretic stragglers who tried fleeting onslaught of valhallan tall legs
>Takes them abut an hour to take the trench
>See greenskinned commissar giving victory speech
>Guess things have wrapped up then
>Take a long draw of cigar, blow out smoke rings for shits and giggles
>Stomach rumbles
>Remembered I haven had a decent brew in a couple of days
>time to go scavenge cultist corpse chunks to make a meaty stew
>I climb down from my tower and spot this one Drooki fen tall legs sneaking towards the Adepta Sororita monastery
>Remember that those fanatical Tall legs always make delicious scones and crumpets every sanguinala
>their hot chocolate is pretty good too
>Stalk Drooki fen guards men to the monastery
>Watch him climb through an pen window
>Pfft amateur
>scale the monastery walls and climb through and air vent
>Pick up the sent of warm coco
>quietly make may way through the vent system and find a unguarded tray of scones and two mugs of hot choclate
>good thing I was quick about it too, think it was the Cannoness's room
>they are the craziest one out of all the sisters
>Take the tray to a secluded part of vent system.
>Dig into the scones, they are nice and fresh
>hear some commotion com from a near by air vent
>Take a peak
>Oh my emperor
>It is one of the sororita's dorm rooms
>Gorgeous psychos are laughing and giggling in their see through underwear
>they are having a pillow fight
>I am ok with this....
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It ok comrade.

reply when can. we will try be here.

Good luck to you comrade
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>Be Fra'al Sat'rap Qfra'xkr*%^ (the % is silent)

>Be largely irrelevant on a galactic scale

>Aboard a Fra'al dreadnought,bored to a degree I thought Impossible

>Ayy what'sthis.hyperreel

>Discover a planet with what seems to be every human subspecies.

>Start Defrosting the war-thralls and Gene-priests

>It's probing time.holobob
>>63534074 (You)
>"fugging...give da 'emote already!"
>still sputtering about what I just avoided and pointing at the bunker and general
>No one is understanding what I'm saying
>I take a deep breath when I run out
>Then I say: the Ork Baneblade
>Commissar's eyes bulges
>explosion at the bunker
>Commissar seems to be beside himself
>I think he whispers to fuck it
>fuck it
>fuck it=shoot it
>I pull my bolt pistol and shoot the tank or the damn greens on it
>everyone seems to get the picture and starts screaming their ass while shooting what they can
>Our finest firepower put to good use
>ORK BANEBLADE loses a few orks on outside, but the inside is still safe and lets out a heavy round
>guys die
>Eversore assassin "appears" on the tank
>he "disappears" into the tank
>green blood shoots out from windows
>1 free Baneblade
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>incompetent IG regiment is actually starting to win
How can they be starting to win if more than half of those imbeciles have fallen to Slaanesh?
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>Be Fra'al Shock-Mutant Q.X.3.2 SB129
>Teleported into human religious complex.
>Inside of a wall
>At least i'm not clipping into anything again.hyperreel
>Break through fracking wall because FRACK SUBTLETY
>Room is full of lingerie clad Sororitas
>Human girls are easy.holobob
Nothing a health application of commissarial blamming can't fix!
>Be Sister of Battle
>Freaky Xenos teleports into SoB dorm room
>Pull flamer out from under the bed
>proceed to roast intruding xenos perverts
>Realize they broke through an exterior wall and now all the cold air is getting inside.
>All the girls are in their underwear and EVERYONE can see through the hole
>Be Fra'al Shock-Mutant Q.X.3.2 SB129
>Totally fracking worth it.hyperreel
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>mfw when you realize the remaining human commissar is an unknowingly a Slaanesh worshiper
>Nothing a healthy application of commissarial blamming can't fix
>mfw apparently the only competent person working for the Imperium on Timbuktu is an Ork disguised as a commissar, and the remaining human commissar is a thot who almost openly wants to ride him like a jetbike
>mfw the Ork probably wants the war to keep going indefinitely anyway because, well, Orks
>mfw the other Orks still nicked 49 more Baneblades out from under the Imperium's nose
Guilliman's Imperium continues to be a disappointment folks.
ya pessimistic peteys
even perverts and fetishists can save the day
now...that I have said that
they do good work with good motivation
and I would never be caught naked saving a naked Felind lady from enemy fire

I would be caught in armor saving a naked Felind lady from enemy fire.
I am not perverted that way.
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>Be junior Commissar Svenja
>Really struggling to maintain my composure and put up that cold heartd strict commissar facade
>Massagers have been bouncing around inside me like ever since that valhallan turned them up to max power
>Feels like a Tyranid ripper warm is having a party in my fun bits
>Struggle to hold back moans
>it might look like I'm currently in living through the worst moment of my life
>But I can assure you....I am fucking over the golden throne
>Sothiswhatitmustfeellikeforthosesororitabitchesmeetinganastartes.Emperorpeserve me
>So caught up in my little "situation" that I didn't notice that the whole damn regiment has caught on
>they are now fighting for the remote
>this can't be good
>Commissar Bax is furious, he grabs the remote and hurls it miles away
>Oh shit, You forgot to turn it off!
>OOOH! Emperor guide me! one of the massagers has tunnels into the baby maker
>someone help, i'm loosing it!
>not sure if my body is numb or just overdosing on dopamine
>Massagers fluctuate in power, i think someone is messing with the remote
>Up, down, u-u-UP, D-down.....UP!
>this feels amazing!
>That felinid grunt is looking at me funny
>try to brush him off with a friendly wave
>Qt honest Felinid from earlier grabs my shoulder
>huh? did he just ask me if I would like to "join his regiment on an ass plow?"
>Fighting back panting and saliva
>Oh wait....think he meant "Assault on the Tau"
>Keep it together woman
>"Sure thing Lieutenant! First we Plow those blue xenos, then we plow me! hah!"
>What the shit did I say?
>Try to cover my mouth, feel that my face is hotter than Tallarn's homeworld
>I Don't think i am going to make it....
>think I'm about to.....
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I'm as loyal as the next Imperial citizen....but this lady is making an interesting case for joining slaanesh
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Mind keeping the heresy down?

I am trying to watch the imperium finest here
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>Be Disguised Ork Kommando 'Commissar Bax'
>Watching Junior Commissar Svenja squirm and start to moan like a horny joygirl
>Oh Gork damn it, she's stuffed her holes full of those massagers again didn't she?
>Would BLAM her here and now, but that would probably destroy troop morale
>Oh well, I can dump her on the Felinids now! I have a Baneblade to go commandeer
>And an incompetent general to smack around
>Hopefully that Eversor still isn't inside the tank
>"Roight. Svenja Ulric, Iz appointin' you in charge of the kittypeople until further notice. I 'ave... to go deal with some Commissarial stuff."
>stomp out of the trench before anyone else can question it, leaving Svenja all on her own with the Guardsmen
"And now I head out to work. Try not to fall to heresy while I'm gone!" He says in the thread where Slaanesh is openly fapping.
>Be Eversor Assassin
>Just finish Slaughtering hundreds and hundreds of Slanneshi cultists and deamonettes
>Good Fun
>But now once again fun is over
>Back to boredom
>Sees a extremely crippled deamonette on the floor
>Decide to pass the time by slowly ripping one of its arms off and beating the shit out of the deamonette with said arm
>Notices a baneblade passing by
>Battle=Heretics and Deamons
>Heretics and Deamons means fun
>Kills the deamonette by stomping it's head flat
>Throws away arm
>Runs and jump on top of the baneblade
>Translation: Bring me to battle its getting boring out here!
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>Be Ratling Sniper
>munching away happily at crazy sister tall legs scones
>They are unbelievably delicious, have to remember to ask for the recipe before I leave
>More likely that I am just going to steal it
>Who knows how these crazy tall legs would react
>Heard from a fellow ratling that they once Burnt down a whole flock of tall legs because one of them had an extra finger or something
>Shit like that makes an abhuman like myself a bit uneasy
>then again, It is kind of hard to believe those stories when you see these tall legs
>Can't help but admire the sororitas as they enjoy their pillow fight
>Those hips, those lips, those bodies
>they sure kept themselves fit these tall legs
>It's almost hypnotizing when you she a sororita hit another with a pillow, watch their assets....juggile
>Take another bite of a scone an lean in close to the air duct to get a better view
>out of nowhere these weird looking xenos appear
>Crap! I reach for my slug sniper
>temperature then rises up to 1000 degrees all of a sudden
>the heck? Peak in to see that Xenos have been turned into crisps
>turns out they have flame throwers tucked under their beds
>Aaand that my queue to get the hell out of here
>The view was nice while it last-
>accidentally fall through the air duct, land onto one of the crazy tall legs beds
>They all turn around, point flamers at me
>...well...nice knowing me....might as well go out like a good ratling
>Stretch my self out on the bed and giv my sexist pose, give the killer wink
>"Hello Beautiful tall legs! Would you look at that? Your ladies are so gorgeous ratlings just fall from the ceiling"
>I am definitely gonna die

Now...what's the next course of action almighty writefags who want a slice of glory?

I say we let the Ork man take with him the regular IG's and tits McGee I mean Jr. Comm Svenja gets the special skitari cogboys and the wily cat people.
The surviving catachans wind up in the half-exposed bunker and unfortunately find themselves with the tween soritas and priest ladies. Bring more blankets. and liquids. because water keeps people from drying out in the cold.

The slut I mean junior commissar decides to grab any willing bunker reinforcements and head to the Tau encampment, which just happens to have the most leadership of the xeno enemy and rebel scum in 1 spot.
A great battle awaits.
Then the other Russian general comes in with his forces that the junior commislut, commissar needs desperately to beat the defenses to a pulp.
A tactical counterattack, artillery, more manpower, 'ARDBASS, whatever.
They somehow win or lose, but the Jr. Comm x Felind catman ship must sail at all screentime costs!!!

As for the IG guys being led by the Ork Komm, there are a few ways our orky boy can do his job.
1. He challenges the leader of the Deffskulls to an arm wrestling for all of the Baneblades and ownership of the other in command. He cheats
2. He mounts an "offensive to orks" offensive to distract the orks and have guys take the 'blades without anyone looking
3. he holds out on Frozen Hill until Jr. Comm and Russian general come back to support
4. He waits for the astartes to drop, because that's when the enemies of man are fated to drop
5. He starts to question his allegiance the most when he finds that the enemy ORKs is going to shoot him despite knowing his real identity. Or when the IG guys start to act too stupid.
6. ignore 5., and betray all the 'umies, but face the wrath of a scorned woman and a Russian general

This man must talk his way out with food and secrecy. He dies if he's not worthy of a few more sexual encounters.

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>Be Slaanesh
>the perfect prince
>Eating out this cute demonette with four tits
>Thought I have been a bit mean to them lately
>Want to make it up to them
>Working on the best technique to make them turn into gushers
>Tongue is working magic when I hear some commotion coming from that Perveted shithole Timbuktu
>Turns out all of my brother's rage bois have been extreminated
>90% of my followers have been slaughtered by some mask wearing corpse worshiper
>The survivors are about to be gangbanged by some corpse worshiper drunk off their ass
>They have vox speakers turned up to 11 with Hardbass
>Grab demonette but the horns
>Ram the funstick down her throat
>Deliver fury like no warp spawn has ever seen
>Hips that would make khorne jealous
>oh wait....hehehehe
>NO! This is not good, how the fuck did corpse worshipers beat chaos
>they have an ork and a thirty slut for commissars!
>We have got to fix this shit
>Demonette tries tapping out
>Not this time sister
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Slaanesh! tsk tsk why have you got to be so lewd? Think of the imperial childern!
>be Slaanesh
>Prince of Pleasure
>also warp god if kinky and depraved fetishes
>get ask why am I so "lewd"
>Its my job
>.....and I love it
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>Be Private Viktor
>Crusade goes well cormades
>Ardbass is guide
>Hundred and hundred of Valhallan comrades march through destroyed city
>We Drink, we dance, we kill heretic cyka blyat
>but where all heretic pussies?
>Street empty
>except for comrades
>Maybe they leave
>Heretic pussies cannot handle glorious ardbass
>it ok
>We find them, they cannot run from true Valhallan cromades
>Also,vodka almost run out
>see comrade Pyter topple over and vomit
>He say he have too much vodka from glorious motherplanet
>BAH! He not Valhallan....he pussy
>But it ok, he play bayan good, so he stay
>Maybe we go get pilimini after we kill all Traitor cyka blyat
>VOT! There they are!
>me and comrades give "HOOORRRRAAH"
>We run over for the kill
>they already dead
>They all already dead
>Who kill?
>they do very good job, bit of Cyka blyat here, bit over there
>One body intestine used to spell "Long live God Tsar"
>Who ever do this, is true comrade. we must met one day da
>VOT! Xaxaxaxa
>Cyka blyat heretic trying to hide in under ground metro system
>too late, we see you!
>They flee into metro
>We get bayonet ready
>Charge into metro after pussy cyka blyat heretics
>They try make ambush on us
>Save us from running
>Comrades tackle them to ground
>We Kick, stab, wack with las gun, shoot
>Leave no ardbass hating pussy live
>comrade Zhukovich use bare hands t rip demonette head clean off
>then he use to beat cultust blyt to death
>Tear them limb from limb
>There no mercy for Cyka Blyat!
I am thinking of the children, that's why I'm so hard
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Wez gunna ax u few quezteons
Nu metal head banging slaanesh when?
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>be magos
>dong still broken
>angerbeyondkhorn'sunderstanding.Morse Code
>detach from side of bike and manage to roll toward the frontline
>stand up and turn to the retards
>skirarii turn and face rank
>all of them wryyyyy like the skull boy that killed the tank
>the immediately swarm the trench line like a bunch of fucking nids
>walk my way (painfully) towards the small group of what equates to a command squad
>commuslut's aids are going berserk for some reason
>the valhallans have disappeared
>greet bax
>tells me to get going in orkish
>notice that supplies are getting a bit low
>throw a requisition flare into the nearby trench for a supply dropsite
>feel a disturbance in the machine force
>notice some grey motherfucker stalking around the battlefield sticking things into corpses
>probably just an assassin

>Be Felinid Lieutenant Liono
>Oh Throne the Commissar is horny
>She's moaning now
>Wait, did she just say we plow her after we plow the blue xenos?
>Hear several hisses of annoyance behind me
>Realize several members of the regiment are female
>glance back for just a brief second
>By the Emperor
>If glares were weapons those girls would be wielding Exterminatus-class weaponry
>See Svenja start to stumble and catch her before she loses herself completely
>"Commissar, we should really, really get moving."
>Ears flatten against head in fear for what the ladies in my own regiment are going to do
>Felinid women really don't like competition
>You have never seen a catfight until you watched two Felinid women go at it over a man
>Watch Skitarii charge toward the Tau line on the other side of no man's land
>Um, aren't Tau long-range specialists?
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Damn it, now we need to go ask Gork and Mork to re-enact 'To Catch a Predator' again, and we all know how well THAT went last time this happened.
>be me, General Igor Pidarovskij
>i did not got answer from vox
>if they don't want party, we will make them party
>see a city in distance
>see artillery and troops fighting in city
>it is time to inspire my comrades
>we leave no heretic live and no man sober
>use the valhallan heretic test
>we offer vodka
>if they refuse they are heretics
>if they accept they are a great ally of the Imperial Guard
>turn up hardbass
>cykas flee from glorious valhalla culture
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>Be junior commissar Svenja
>Think I just blacked out for a second, my whole body feels lighter than a feather.
>my head is spinning
>got the biggest grin on my face
>the insides of my fun bits are still warm with pure ecstasy
>Pretty sure my pants are beyond soaked...probably looks really bad, don't want to give people the wrong idea
>I swear I am not normally like this
>Take deep breaths
>try to not think about the massagers still shaking inside of me.
>hardtomaintainstraightfacewhenyourinsidesarevibrating.emperorpreserve me
>eventually come to my senses and realize that I had fainted into the qt felinid gaurdsmen's arms
>Oh no, stop! don't look at me like that!
>Somehow my face ends up getting more red, spine even starts to tingle
>Recompose myself and straighten up...come on svenja! you are better than this, just wait until the attack is over, then!
>Wait no! snap out of it!
>Notice that the Felinid female recruits are glaring at me
>That can't be good, I hope they sense anything, I am not in heat I swear!
>Two more massagers decide to tunnel up and meet the first one
>Bite my lip to stop the loud moan I was about to let out
>Never thought I would be this hard to hold back such Pleasure
>Legs wiggle like noodles again
>Emperor....forgive me....I can't take it any more
>Take a long breath and grab the qt Felinid by the strap of his helmet
>Pull him in and we lock lips
>slide my tongue into his mouth, give his rough a good wrestle while I wrap one of my legs around his.
>I can only imagine what those tongue hairs will do to me later
>force my self to pull free, leave a long link of saliva from my lips
>Quickly wipe it off and give the qt mutant a wink
>Notice that those metal gaurdsmen are run towards the blue xeno base en mass
>Oh right, Commissar Hunk let me in charge for that....
>Draw las pistol, rev up chainsword, turn to felinids
>"First one to bring me nine Xeno heads will get Head!"
>For the Emperor!
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By the Emperor....

Now we know how she graduated the Schola
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She needs to go back and relearn everything.
By the golden throne this shot is just unbearable.
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Cheeki breeki ya git!
She does appear to be keeping morale up though

Good'nuff I guess
Puts a new spin on comissars shooting guardsmen
>but ma'am, we're being over run!
Y..yes ma'am
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>Be Slaanesh
>I agree
>really don't see what the problem it
>She seems like a dutiful and HARD working corpse worshiping commissar to me
>*tosses catatonic four titted demonette aside*
>Just my opinion of course
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>"First one to bring me nine Xeno heads will get Head!"
>For the Emperor!

Don't bring me into this my perverted child! You're own your own.....Get help. Riding people like jetbikes isn't healthy
>Be Eversor Assassin
>Be on top of a moving Bandblade
>Be extremely bored off my fucking mind
>Dear Emperor please send something to kill me
>Hears something about reward
>Hears something Tau's
>Looks around a bit
>See Tau's base
>The Emperor heard my desperate prayer and answered them
>Bless the immortal God Emperor of Mankind
>Uses Baneblade to literally launch me inside the Tau's base building
>Breaks through the top building
>Amazing entrance complete
>Translation: Hello Xenos!
>Translation: Good bye Xenos!
>Slay all the Tau's in the room I'm in leave a blue bloody mess
>I think they may be really important but who cares, they're xenos, they're supposed to die anyways
>Make my way down the building
>Sees a bunch a Tau's
>This time they're in armor
>Some are even in Mechsuits
>Starts ripping bodies apart (Really damn easy cause Tau sucks a melee)
>The ones in Mechsuit think they stand a chance against me until they see one of their buddies have a huge hole of where the pilot should be
>and the next
>and the next
>and so on
>Man if only they can fight back, then it would be more exciting
>But the Emperor did give me something, so I'm happy anyways, thanks Big Emps
Ok you, Imma talk to your Senior Commissar about this shit
You and you, the only thing for certain that can keep a guardsman morale up and discipline checked, is a scary-ass commissar with a smoking bolt-pistol
Slaanesh, shut the fuck up or suck on my dick, pick one and stay with one
>Hands over Heavy Flamer
Please clean this shit.
>be Private Viktor
>Me and comrades emerge from city metro
>tunnel heretic cyka blyat all dead
>We wear blood all over body
>Comrade Kaskarov still play with demonette head like football
>He try keep up
>He pretty good
>Comrades pass round last bottle of Glorious vodka from mother planet
>Nyet, ardbass cusade must stop till we get more vodka
>and adbass
>metro heretic blyat destroy last two vox box
>What do now?
>No heretic cyka blyat
>No ardbass?
>Nyet! Comrades not cry
>Be strong...for babushka...for god tsar
>Comrade pyter take out bayan
>He play song from motherplanet
>....ok...we cry now
>Comrades link arm
>sing along to pyter's beautiful musik
>what that?
>Comrades fall silent
>me and Comrades rush to main street near by
>Ardbass blast from tank vox speaker
>Tank hatch open
>Comrade general climb out
>Ask if we want glorious motherplanet vodka
>there only one answer
>general is true comrade, he order tankist to hand out more crate of vodka
>pull lid open with forehead
>Drink whole bottle
>One sip
>Smash bottle on ground, show comrade general we true Valhallan cromades
>See tear in his eye
>Babushka....We found best general
>He must meet commissar bax
>We cheer for comrade general
>Make sure whole shitty planet hear glorious call of motherplanet
>General tell use we must go hunt more heretic blyat
>ardbass crusade continue
Regarding your 2nd point:

>be Slaanesh
>get berated by some angry fleshy mortal
>orders me to suck his "dick or shut the fuck up"
>Yes Daddy! I am such a slut! I AM SO NAUGHTY!
>*bends over and presents. Opens asshole with fingers*
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Emprah damn it Slaanesh....

Why u gotta make things uncomfortable
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>jackass: encourages Slaanesh
>Slaanesh: gets encourages
>jackass: pic related
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>be General Darrius Kragg
>that guardsmen on a bike zipped past us on the floor
>thankfully he realised his mistake and swirled back around
>gaurdsmen pulls up beside us
>See that baneblade is coming right at us still
>"thank you gaurdsmen! Your sacrifice shall be an example to all
>Try shoving him off the bike and "commandeer" his vehicle to make my escape
>turns out he is pretty strong for a guardsmen
>can't seem to throw him off
>last thing I see is his fist come at my face in a blur
>knocked out cold
>well shit
>wake up in a interrogation room
>Its dark and grimly
>sit on a crappy stool with a solid steel table in front of me
>feel something at my feet
>the fuck?!
>that slut commissar svenja is on all fours trying to open my pants with just her teeth
>"greetings General "
>woah! Was that inquisitor always there?
>he throws file onto table
>starts blabing on about an investigation about my heretical actions
>See another inquisitor in the corner ready his power sword
>commissar bitch is still trying to unzip me
>I am so fucked
>Wake up for real
>oh...it was just a nightmare
>the fuck?
>why am I tied up?
>where am I?
>heads bouncing around everywhere
>realize I am on the baneblade
>wait what
>apparently we took back control
>look up to see commissary Bax
>he just gives me this death stare
>....can I go back to having that nightmare?
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>be me, General Igor Pidarskij
>we found comrades!
>they take our vodka and drink it in one swig
>that brings tears of joy into eye
>driver gives them more vodka, smokes and sunflower seeds
>see for a normal man it would be hard to eat sunflower seed with this many missing tooth
>not for true valhallan comrades
>tell the driver to give them the tri poloski
>driver paints three glorious white stripes on their helmets
>tanks spread in parallel streets and we make great hardbass crusade
>you see my friends, there is no point in spreading the glory of the god tsar if nobody see, hear, feel it
>see buildings full of heretiks
>NO NO, this people are beyond saving
>multiple tanks begin to fire at build
>multiple tanks begin to fire at building AND DELIVER THE FURY OF THE GLORIOUS GOD TSAR TO GLUPPY HERETIKS

sorry, that last line was supposed to look like this
Not sure if this is hammed up slaanesh or actual cannon Slaanesh....hard to tell
Is an incompetent General and a dead right coward= puts up picture of General Motherfucking stern


General Darrius should feel ashamed to even try to consider himself on that level.
Hammered up Slaanesh IS canon Slaanesh
And now we know why Bax noped out of there to go after that baneblade...
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>Be Jackass Mortal
>Looks at Slaanesh with regret
>Slaps Emperor-Graded duck tape on her mouth to shut her up
>Looks at presented ass
>Gets a boner
Ah fuck it.
>Whips out dick and take opportunity
>RAM it hard inside this whore's asshole
>be IG bike user
>watch as our guys start doing our thing
>we are fucking glorious doing our job kicking ass and taking names
>Tau not standing at the front gate
> tau base will be overrun by cat people and scary cyborgs
>We duck, leap, dodge, swear, shoot, or get cauterized when we see the BIG ASS TAU MECH
>We are running out of Ammo
>we are out of ammo
>Melee clusterfuck
>I ram bluetards and grab wrench to bash concuss unworthy bastards
>FIRST BOSS Shoots my bike
>explosion sends me landing in box
>I am man stuck
>quickly, FIRST BOSS MECH is surrounded by the anal assault that is the cat, metal, and regular troops.
>see cat boy and female recruiter leading the bashing
>female recruiter
>I grab the remote from the front and turn the dial down
>bubble shield comes and sends guys flying
>Magos appears with boxes behind him
>boxes explode
>Fat as thicc as goes servitors with beefy augmetics
>Magos only points at the Tau FIRST BOSS
>Servitos los grandes really BEEFY because somehow lasers are not stopping them
>mfw I wish I had my bike right now
>Tau FIRST BOSS is panicking when lasers start coming faster
>Thiccer servitors ar so slow
>Magos hurts my ears with a strong radio burst
>Thicc servitors suddenly stop
>fire starts erupting from their butts
>oh shit they're getting off the ground
>literally flying above the ground
>I decide to actually try to get out of box to see what's happening
>I fall down
>my butt has a 6 inch wood shard sticking in
>play it safe by crawling
>the thicc servitors are FLYING
>hear something behind me
>the female recruiter is here
>mfw she grabs the shard in my butt
>she savagely pulls out the shard
>feel stab with shoulder
>a damn needle with weird liquids is pouring inside
>I'm not a good doctor to know what's happening, but I suddenly feel like ignoring pain.
>cat man takes the needle out and extends hand
>I get up and brush against female recruiter's tits when I stumble
>hear seductive grin
>catman knows my feels
>mangos is suddenly near us
>he urges us to get restocked
>we see other guys or gals (metal boys and cat people included) getting out of the base to some boxes with ammo a few meters out
>thank the emperor
>Tau FIRST BOSS is starting to get rid of the thicc servitors by quickshooting them
>magos sends out another painful radio burst
>metal reinforcements come
>mfw I still wish for my bike

Just so baxposter knows, he also has his own band of regular IG guys to help him.
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>be magos
>making sure the pariahs are getting munitions while the castellens are distracting the commander
>suddenly robot arm
>robot arm?
>turn around
>couple of my babies have been atomised
>this displeases me
>look around and see that nobody else is doing anything
>fuck it
>charge the fucker with khornate fury and my axe held high
>swing axe
>remove its gun arm
>tries to attack with mech fist
>fist crumples against my faceplate due to poor alloy composition
>Tau mech starts convulsing and keels over fowards
>there's a skitarii with an electropike latched onto its back
>lob a toaster at his face
>assume victory squat
>initiate victory screech
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>Be Slaaanesh
>Prince of Pleasure
>Fleshy mortal slaps duck tape onto my mouth
>Peel of duct tape and lick lips
>OH DADDY! don't worry...I got us covered
>*whips out metal spiked dildo ball gag, shoves it down my throat. fasten it TIGHT*
>Struggle to breath.
>*pinch nipples with smoldering iron claps, sizzle nipples as they snap on*
>Fleshy mortal sticks his meat into my puckered little ass hole
>He is giving it to me ROUGH!
>*reaches for barbed wire an wraps it around need, starts strangling self with it*
>*fun stick is twitching.....I'm going to*
>*solid dicked mortal start smacking Prostate and g-spot with his soft tip*
>*Start decorating floor with fresh Milk*
>see demonettes rush over trying to lick it up
>AY! Bitches don't get that for free
>Wrestle one onto her back
>slides spiked leather collar on my dick
>Ram it inside
>this fuck has just gone triple threat daddy
.....God Emperor....protect us
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I hope you happy with yourself my child. Don't expect any further blessings from me. Nope. Tried to lead humanity into greatness, but no, they rather stick their dicks into whore warp gods that desperately need rehab.

...You better be wearing protection, Wouldn't surprise me if that colossal warp slut/fuckboy has all of Nurgle's infections
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Is it just me or does this thread have more heresy than most?
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Godemperor protect us all
>Be Felinid Lieutenant Liono
>holy shit the commissar's making out with me
>Welp, the girls in the regiment are probably going to kill us both
>Totally gonna have sexy times later
>Raise laspistol and give order to charge
>whisper to Svenja: "You probably should wait a moment and remove the... 'augmentations' you have. Don't want you dying on me, nya."
>I am so gonna plow her later
>In the Emperor's name
why you gotta be tomcat catman
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>Be Sister Superior
>Recruits are screaming "Purge the Xenos!"
>Burst in with flamer
>Look around
>There's a hole in the wall and a Ratling chilling on one of the beds
>Also, by throne its cold
>This pervert can probably see everything through my underwear
>Stares blankly at Ratling for a moment
>Raise flamer
>"......You have 60 seconds before my Sisters and I start playing a rousing game of 'purge the mutant'."
>Where the hell did that 'stress relief' priest(ess) get to anyway?
I think the Lieutenant's trying to keep Commissar Svenja from experiencing a 'friendly fire' incident. At least he's not trying to get the remote like some kind of Slaaneshi pervert...
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>Be junior commissar Svenja
>Heart is racing faster than jaghatai khan on his jet bike
>I've Never felt more alive
>See all the Felinid's ears poke up as soon I give the order of collecting nine heads
>Guessing all the ones that are hissing are the females
>Oh shit, I don't want to get them on my bad side
>Clear throat and raise chainsword high above my head, hold down the trigger to make it roar like an ogryn
>Legs stiffen with excitement
>"....and the First Felinid female to find the blue xeno leader get to have me as their servant for a day!"
>Wait what? probably should of thought about that one before yelling it
>But at least their ears are poking up now
>Bite lip to withstand relentless drumming of my insides.
>Shit, I think the last Massager is exploring way too far up my rear end
>Might have to wretch it out.....later
>Try fighting back tears of joy, I feel every mutant's eyes on me as I squirm a little on the spot
>"f-f-f-fFOR THE EMPEROR!"
>Ears sting after all felinids give a loud ass "MEOW FOR THE EMPRAH"
>qt Felinid soldier leans into my ear, feel my whole body clench
>Please, warn me next time qt, you almost made me....
>oh wait never mind
>He whispers that I should Take out my massagers for my own saftey"
>naaaaaw He is absolutely adorable! You know what? Definitely going to let him use all entrances
>By the emperor he has earned it
>Wrap my hand behind his helmet and lean in to whisper into his ear
>"Only if YOU reach in a pull them out kitty"
>Playfully nibble his ear and wink
>Rev up my chainsword and start charging towards the Xeno base
>flood the Xeno base with felinid gaurdmen, turns out, there is already a shitstorm under way
>blue xenos running around crying like little bitches while their pew pew guys are trying desperately to hold back the onslaught
>See gaurdmen crawling with wooden shard in his arse
>grab it an pull it out
>"ON your feet, we've got xenos to kill!"
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>Be Private Viktor
>Comrade general has honoured us with highest Valhallan honour
>He order tank driver to give tri poloski
>they paint on uniform
>Comrades fight tears
>But too late
>me and comrades have found true Comrade regiment
>Tell Tank comrades to paint tripoloski on chest
>Babhuska would be Proud of milinke volk
>I show colours of Motherplanet once again
>Close eyes to hear Ardbass
>hear vice of God Tsar in beautiful musik
>DA....Da it time cormades
>Comrades follow tank through street
>We run beside, we not pussies
>VOT! Building of heretic blyat!
>Tank shoot, start bringing bulding down
>DA, horoshoi!
>but me and comrades must make sure
>Traitor pussies must die for insult to ARDBASS
>voice of God TSAR
>Me and comrades charge with bayonet
>Run through build as collapse
>rumble come down like rain
>Xaxaxaxa see heretic run like pussies
>We chase out of building
>into next
>One by one, building fall
>this is true Valhallan regiment from motherplanet!
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How the fuck did the Imperium manage to turn this whole shit around?!
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Ork commissar, Eversor assassin, toaster humpers and horny cat people

But most importantly, Slav gaurdsmen. they are doing good job.

Just don't look at the General Kaag or junior commissar if you do not wish to cry for this imperium.
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>Be Fra'al Sat'rap Qfra'xkr*%^
>Invasion not going fast enough
>(Theremin music intensifies)
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>Tank shoot, start bringing bulding down
>but me and comrades must make sure
>Traitor pussies must die for insult to ARDBASS
>Me and comrades charge with bayonet
>Run through build as collapse

.....Why tho? Sounds like a waste of mean if you ask me
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>Be Fra'al giant robot
>Beginning final diagnostics

>Heavy Impulse Bombard engaged

>Ether Cascade Array engaged

>Rad-Kite Cluster Missiles engaged

>Regenerative Cyber-musculature active

>Nano-Metal Carapace at 100%

>Planar Barriers at 100%

>Fra'al Subjugator Class War-Mech fully operational
>Final diagnostics complete
>Let the carnage begin.holobob

>Teleported in the middle of a huge battle.
>Be Lord Commissar Lydmila Timoshenko
>Served as loyal commissar under Igor Pidarskij for three years
>So far, he has been a step above regular brainless General
>Yes, he maybe a little too eager and impulsive, but I only had to put him back in line once
>As much as I agreed that those Tallarn guardsmen were cowards for using hit and run tactics. We couldn't launch a purge against them
>Why would high command think that is is a suitable strategy?
>We were fighting pathetic greenskin on the other side of pathetic planet when General receive emergency transmission
>Idiot general from other front was losing...badly
>I tell my assistant to remind me to shot this general Kragg when I see him
>He is not using his brain anyway
>General Igor takes entire regiment to help reinforce those cowards
>I ride in tank with General Igor, we arrive in ruin city
>orders to give anyone we see the Valhallan loyalty test
>I see group of soldiers emerge from underground tunnel and Point them out to general Igor
>Comrades pass test with flying colors.
>Good to see that Valhallans are doing job
>We swear them into our regiment, before general igor orders the tans to spilt up into convoy and eliminate all heretics
>salute and board my personal Tank, we take left road and take some of the new comrades with us
>We spot heretics garrisoned in crumbling buildings
>shake head, idiots
>Order all tanks to fire, fold my arms behind my back to watch the magnificent display of heavy guns ripping concrete and steel apart
>traitors attempt to flee, but new comrades storm building and drive bayonets through their corrupted bodies
>Would smile if I could, I give a stern nod of a approval instead
>One comrade run over to my tank wish three other soldiers
>they are half naked and wear bandanas
>Soldier ask what we do with them
>I show you what to do.
>Draw my pistol and put a bullet in all three.
>If they do not fight, then they die
Where in barren Timbuktu did you land?
I cannot continue with a giant giant robot destroying something. Describe what you are destroying.
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And you sound like Cadian Cyka blyat pussy

pic related
In the middle of the fight between the ig and the Tau, fighting both of them.

also close enough to any existing characters present in that fight for them to see it. But they are far enough away that they aren't the targets of it's opening volley.
>deep breath
>gotta accept this
There can be two Lord commissars on one planet?
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........... Someone get Malal/Malice/the warp janitor. Slaanesh made a mess of the place. Again.
Given how incompetent the one IG regiment and the usual incompetence of the Administratum, it makes perfect sense for two Lord Commissars to be on the same planet and not even know the other exists.
> be me
> black templar high marshall Hans
> in charge of the glorious third crusader company.
> hear about some planet out in the middle of nowhere over run with FUCKING WEEBS AND HERETICS
> decide to go murder some cunts
> drop out of warp over the system
> waitwhatthefuck.vox
> guardsmen.... winning?
> by the god emperor we have to see this for our selves
> load up in thunderhawks with heavy armor and drop pods
> drivemecloser.iwannahitemwithmysword
> land on the planets surface and see some weird ass xenos.... things.
> wellifitsheresy.purge.
> draw power fist and onehand a boltgun like a motherfucker.
> grin under my helmet as I roar a battle litany to the emperor.
> descend like the fury of dorn himself upon the enemy.
> god emperor of mankind I love my job.
Didn't first commissary get his ass handed to him by khorne beserkers? Everyone watched too
>be bikeless IG bike user
>reel from the Magos squatting on Tau First Boss Mecha screeching into radio
>Same mecha suddenly releases air and something into the air
>ejection pod is trying to escape
>Magos recovers from surprise and tries to grapple to coward pod
>standstill for a few seconds before thrusters start to floor the ejection pod
>another painful radio burst
>Thicc Servitors start thrusting against the coward pod
>Other metal boys jump on the escape pod and try smashing it down
>female recruiter orders guys with ammo to shoot the thrusters and they do
>Stretched Magos screams no
>Magos limbs blown
>metal boys fall off except 2
>thicc servitors get grounded
>coward pod goes crazy invisible rollercoaster before crash landing
>Magos grapples to my chest pad and tells me to move to it
>make it to escape pod and see metal boys scrape open door
>door opens to show feminine Xeno face
>mfw to prepare for tits that might show
>air escapes to show no tits
>Tau screaming and cursing in girlish sounds while Magos is cutting Tau from escape pod
>Magos pulls electric claws when demanding for Tau Mecha
>mfw shock therapy is to be administered
>mfw the Tau spots me and doesn’t give a shit looking at me or the torture
>HUGE EXPLOSION outside of base
>tau is scared like me
>tau thinks that we have serious firepower and says will surrender if that was ours
>I start to say something because I feel genuinely feel like sharing things today
>Magos interrupts and says it’s ours
>Magos is clearly lying when saying it’s the drop of 4 simultaneous landing Astartes pods
>tau surrenders her name as Gate Keeper Ray’aa
>I think that’s her cute name
>cute as Xeno can be
>Female recruiter comes in stating she needs Magos help
>Magos is peeved
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>Be Disguised Ork Blood Axe Kommando 'Commissar Bax'
>Standing on now reclaimed Baneblade
>Well, mostly reclaimed Baneblade
>My fellow greenskins managed to steal the floor from the tank's bottom level and sled away from the rampaging Eversor
>Have fresh tank crew trying to get the Baneblade up and running
>Now to deal with the General
>Hear loud teleporting noise
>Turn and see...
>That is DEFINITELY not a normal blueberry dread
>Well, the Baneblade's guns are working at least
>Grab General by scruff of neck and drag him on top of tank
>See Astartes drop pods falling in the distance
>These guys probably aren't idiots.
>This disguise lasted a lot longer than it should have anyway
>Pull out huge-ass cigar general's coat pocket, light it, and have a good smoke while I stand on top of the Baneblade with General Kragg tucked under one arm as the tank starts firing its gargant-killer weapons at the giant tinboy thing in the distance
>Maybe I'll get lucky and the Beakies will get killed by friendly fire.
I think so? Didn't he get saved by 'Commissar Bax' sicking the mad slavs-er, hardbass-loving Valhallans on the Khorne berserkers before getting dragged to safety. Probably got trampled to a pulp under their feet now that I think about it.
>I walk the Magos to where we can see the GIANT MECHA
>my bike
>Magos is still processing this when the catman comes in a hurry
>states we more likely lost half of our troops from the shooting and the half is hiding in trenches or local shelter
>female recruiter is asking Magos how to take down the SILVER BOY when the gate opens
>it’s the blue Eversor Assassin
>oh wait...that’s blood
>he holds out a radio
>crackles to life despite blue blood
>”Clear area from drop zone any Xeno scum who hears”
>we hear cannon booms from somewhere
>”Drop craft has successfully landed. Requesting local Imperial leadership for debrief.”
>female recruiter jumps in stating her name, rank, regiment, as acting local leadership
>she was a junior?
>”Understood Junior Commisar. We observed a large Xenos mech firing on suspected Tau base grounds. What actions do you ask of us to take?”
>get the fuck over here she says
>”Understood. 2 heavy assault squads en route to your location. Arrival in 10 minutes.”
>blue boy states that the tau base is neutralized
>we stare
>”...Rescind that order you two. Commissar what forces do you request?”
>we hear a baneblade cannon roar and round impact
>blue boy leaps and climbs building, hangs for a sec, then gracefully lands
>he confirms it’s the Commissar’s baneblade because he’s standing on it with a man at his hip
>Female recruiter pleads that a support squad is sent to support a baneblade’s position
>...Baneblade sighted. Sending 2 anti-armor and 2 regular squads to positions within 300 meter range of Baneblade to support.”
>”What forces do you request to your position?”
>magos steps in and states he needs at least 2 tech marines and any kind of heavy ordinance tech
>’strategic closeness to Xenos mech’
>”...Commissar do you confirm?”
>she agrees
>ask for bike
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Yeah, knowing how excited Valhallans get on vodka and Hardbass, they probably just ripped to shreds along with the khorne bois. Might of been a mistake, might of been because he was a pussy
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>Be Ratling sniper
>Trying to stay calm and act like those crazy tall legs pointing flamers at me is the dullest thing ever
>Can feel the sweat starting to roll down my face though
>I don't want to end up as a ratling barbeque
>At least they have given me a chance to explain myself
>Turn up Ratling sex appeal up to elven and roll onto to my belly, flex my carves and give that cutey with the one robotic ey a wink
>"Well beautiful tall legs, since you asked nicely. I was taking care of the snotling problem in your vents.
>not sure what half the shit is coming out of my mouth is, but I am rolling with it
>"you would be surprised how many were up there up there...yep."
>Roll onto my side and flex my hairy biceaps
>"Yeah,been sorting through those filthy xeno nippers for couple days now....not even tired. nope I can go....ALL Day if I have too"
>Not sure if that hotty one eyed crazy tall legs is blushing of embarrassment or she is digging the Ratling
>"Oh. Not to mention, Saw this gaurdmen sneak in through the window. I was tracking him down. Bloody perv was spying on your lovely ladies while you were showering"
>Eyes accidently shift towards the flamer holding tall legs chest, Oh emperor, will look at the size of them!?
>Not to mention firm and..
>Crap! shift my eyes bac up to meet hers, hope she didn;t notice I was gawking at her perfect rack
>"Can;t believe what the imperium has come to lately, bloody disgusting I tell you! Who would ever do such a repulsive and..."
>Flex my hips, try to make my bulge stick out
>"...Depraved thing to such....wonderful tall legs"
>The gorgeous cyber eyed sister is giggle...if only the imperium would let me hit that
>Not sure if the Crazy tall legs with the flame thrower is buying
>Quickly scan the room, pot a near by body pillow with a picture of a black Templar space mahrin on it
>If she is going to pull the trigger, that is the first thing I am grabbing.
>I know for a fact she won't burn me if I have that
Real smooth.
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On one hand...potential threat to purity of Sororita genomes....on the there hand....Ratling played that like a smooth mother fucker
>Be Felinid Private Schrodinger
>Seriously, what kind of Commissar openly makes out with, offers head to, and then nips the ear of an officer in front of the regular guardsmen?!
>Not to mention moaning like a horny slut
>Damn Lieutenant gets all the fun
>Commissar yells at us to go kill all the blue xenos!
>she offers to be the servant any felinid women who catches the xeno leader
>I think whatever's going on with this Commissar's fried her brain, because I have never seen the women in my regiment leering like they are
>Oh well
>Run after Commissar and Lieutenant as we storm the Tau base
>Give her ass a quick smack just because I can as she bends over to pull a wooden shard out of some human guardsman's ass
>Hear teleportation sound
>Ears twitch.
>Turn around
>Ears flatten against helmet in sheer terror
For some reason I keep imagining this Ratling being voiced by William Shatner, and I don't know why...
>Be Eversor Assassin
>Just finish slaughter ever Tau and wrecking every Tau MechSuit I've seen in front of me
>Before I start to die of boredom I hear something teleporting
>I go to investigate the sound and see this thing
>Fuck yes a new fight
>Runs and drop kick hard it to the floor to initiate a fight
>Translation: Fight me bitch!
Accross the planet, a loud and sinister voice is emmerging...




>Be Felinid Lieutenant Liono
>By the emperor the Commissar's nibbling on my ears
>Tempted to try and pull whatever's inside her out now so she doesn't end up a liability, but also don't want to end up getting blammed or be a casualty of friendly fire
>Better get those 9 tau heads first before any of the other boys
>strictly to keep the Commissar's purity and decency of course
>its not like I want to keep her all to myself or anything
>Nope, my actions are completely justified in the eyes of the Emperor I swear
>Realize I didn't even get her name yet
>Don't have time to ask, have tau to behead and kill
>Charge into Tau base and get to work on collecting those heads
>Leave a few minutes later with five Tau heads already just in time to see Private Schrodinger smack the Commissar in the ass
>Hear teleportation sound and stick head out of base to see it getting bombarded by giant metal robot.
>Grab Commissar Svenja and Private Schrodinger and drag them back into the bunker as I spot Astartes drop pods falling from sky
>"I think we should let them handle that one Commissar. That thing seems a bit out of our league."
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>Be Slaanesh
>The dark prince
>just spent the past nine hours getting rammed by well endowed fleshy mortal
>a mixture of juices are leaking from my thumbing asshole
>takes me like thirty minutes before I realise that Mortal fuck boy has stopped fucking me
>loosen bared wire and glance back
>see that practically drained his whole body of energy and sustenance.
>fuck daddy looks like a skeleton with skin
>warp damn it
>sucks that fleshies are only good for one soild bang
>it was amazing while it lasted
>unbuckle spiked dildo gag and yank it out
>Its covered in think layer of saliva
>think about liking it off
>then realise that my fun stick is still in demonette
>I think she.has passed out
>that or drowning in my fresh hot milk
>buthewarpihavemadeamess.you canpracticallyswiminit
>no wait she still twitching
>grab her by the horns and pull her up
>poor thing, she is gasping for air
>hear two other demonettes giggle at their sister's misfortune
>turn to them and lick my lips
>they aren't laughing anymore
>catch them before they can run of
>shove one's face into my pond of milk
>ram my fun stick into her hooha
>shove spiked dildo gag into the second one's ass
>wait...wasn't I meant to be scheming or something?
Emprah damn it Slaanesh....
>be bikeless IG bike user
>I guess now designated Magos carrier until he decides to get heavy ass off
>still waiting on answer on bike
>assassin suddenly disappears into Tau base
>maybe clean up?
>take cover and see "nibbles" on catman's ear
>lucky dog I mean catman
>irritated binary sounds
>"disgusting fleshy hormones"
>not sure if offended
>booms stop coming
>hear clanking and clunking
>get out of cover to see who it is
>I take back what I called the Magos' thicc servitors
>no offense, but these marines ABSOLUTE UNITS
>were they always this big?
>1 carries big plasma gun
>2 have regular bolters and 2 claws sticking out of their backs
>4 of them carrying 2 huge metal boxes
>Plasma man introduces himself as Brother Helax, techmarines Pops and Lirex, and regular MEN as Allus, Ullium, Baster, Riker
>as requested, brought strongest ordinance transported at the moment
>2 undeployed lascannons
>mfw when kinda underwhelmed
>Magos doesn't seem to care
>he launches on plan to turn the lascannons into an auto focus heavier laser thing to use on the Xenos Mech
>we have damn good lasers, but SILVER BOI's size man
>techmarines seem intrigued when they step closer to the big metal crates
>sounds like a plan I guess
>Big Helax seems doubtful
>truly believes in the power of his brothers
>one of his brothers fall from sky
>he is missing his gun and gun holding arm
>Helax is now convinced to let us not get involved with the SILVER BOI
>Magos counters that scattered IG are better able to distract the SILVER BOI so heavier laser can kill legs
>Helax looks at me
>I personally agree that Magos is right
>The Brothers sigh, but it looks like they're gonna do it
>The female recruiter, catman, and other catman nod But then I ask about our tau prisoner
>be magos
>finally process what I'm seeing
>unknown xenos species
>opportunity to "acquire" some tech to "study"
>get to cover
>open vox line to ship about 1km behind us
>request they run a select set of propaganda from the external speakers
>order them to release the Reaver
>the one with the Fist, V-cannon & plasma array
>hear the distant rumble of subspace engines gradually grow louder
>turn back to Xenos Titan
>notice the evesor beating the shit out of its heel
>the roar is getting noticible along with the propaganda box
>it's good propaganda https://youtu.be/1vU7XqToZso
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>Be Junior Commissar Svenja
>Just helped a clumsy guardsmen pull a wooden shard out of his ass.
>Realized that those massagers have stopped
>Maybe they've ran out of energy? Well that sucks
>Failed to notice that had left rear exposed as I crouched over the clumsy guardsmen
>Feel a firm palm strike my buttocks, face turns red as I let out a little squeal and stumble forward
>whole Body shakes after a surge of joy hoots up my spine
>Oh shit! That felt amazing!
>force a glare as I turn to look at this adorable looking Felinid soldier
>See the him tense up as we lock eyes
>Raise my las pistol up to his fore head, hand is shaking like crazy
>"You dare lay a hand on your Commissar guardsmen?!"
>Debate blaming him or not
>Blush as I think about the sensation I felt when he spanked me
>Flick my las gun upwards and twirl it back into its holster
>"Next time make sure you ask first, understand?! ....see me in my tent after the assault"
>Oh right, the assault!
>remember we were in the middle of a warzone
>Looks like everyone has completely lost there minds
>There is an assassin hoping around covered in xeno blood, metal guards men running around screaming as they chase Xeno's in battle suits and drop are raining from the sky
>who called them?
>Also, now there is this gaint Xeno titan for some reason.
>When the fuck did that get there?
>look at the size of it!
>Snap out of my daze when qt felinid grabs my arm, escorts me back to the generals bunker, along with the that cheeky felinid recruit
>Says that we should wait here until the astartes deal with the problem
>naaaaaaaw, He was worried about my safety
>Probably should balm him for cowardice...but this is just too adorable
>Seems like it is just me and the two qt mutants
>Is it just me or is it hot in here? Hearts racing
>Guess now is a good a time as ever
>Approach qt felinid
>"so guardsmen....how should we wait this out?"
>Slowly wrap my arms on his shoulders
>"any ideas?"
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Black Templars....you know what to do

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>Be Ork Warboss
>Stompin eads so da boyz no who da reel boss round ere
>Dis one boy tink e bigga den me
>Iz give im a good krumpin
>showz dem me shinny new powa klaw dat da mec boi gie me
>weva stillz cold, wite tings cova da ground all ova
>bin wile zinz me un da boyz ad a gud krumpin
>cent out one of da sneeky kommando boyz ta luk fa maw oomies
>Sneeky git bin gun fa tree dayz now
>ope E azn't sneek off un join anava warband
>Denn ear dis vioce
>Who dat rumblin?
>sum Grummorg rishteef e say
>e sellin nue choppa
>Da voice say gotz ta orda taday oar wez gun get nuffin
>Nue choppa iz only one trukk fulla teef
>daz gud deal Iz tink
>Kick da gretchin ta go getz da trukka bois
>Getz dem ta bring me oard of teef
>Tellz dem ta filla oul wartukk wit it
>Wez gunna get da nue choppa...witz dem shota tached to dem
>Iz gud ta be da boss
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>be me, General Igor Pidarskij
>whole city now hear the great hardbass crusade
>new valhallan allies making me proud
>comrades like them give hope to empire
>hear Lydmila purgin the street on my left
>she is true imperial woman
>every woman in empire should take notes
>be sure to give her nice bouquet of heretik heads and vodka when we are done
>maybe ask her if she wants to indulge in good old tanets to hardbass
>new comrade Viktor brings me head on his bayonet
>first head for Lydmila's bouquet
>put hand on Viktor's shoulder
>before i can tell him how proud i am i hear crash
>see xenos titan in distance
>Lydmila deserves head of titan
>she will tanets with me to good valhallan musik

Receivin' iz furst appy "client", Adboss Grummorg iz feelin'GUD about da plan.



>be designated Magos carrier
>magos tells me that the tau prisoner is just going to be guarded by 2 skittari from earlier
>Magos grapples to tech marine pops
>magos orders the 2 undeployed lascanons to be unassembled so he can make new legs for himself and the auto aiming heavier laser
>why is there another painful radio burst
>decide I should do something else
>Mfw I don't have my bike and just have a dinky bolt pistol
>spot flying las gun that lands near ammo crates from earlier
>grab it
>heavy bastard, but not too heavy
>no bayonet tho
>time to take the fight to the surviving enemy despite THE SILVER BOI
>tau Xeno comes up into my sight
>mfw no laser BLAM
>my hip gets shot
>it was on side where I got wood shard forcibly removed
>fall but throw las gun at Xeno fuck who shot me
>satisfying CLANK
>get up
>emperor's holy shit can't get up
>hear solo from the sky
>the dust clears
>short life maybe
>blue stuff is being hurled at SILVER BOI
>so much explosions
>maybe we might have a chance after all
>eversore assassin appears
>Bloody Radio drops at my feet
>damn he gave it to me?
>I then see the assassin running at SILVER BOI's feet
>this is too damn nice
>fiddle with radio to see if I could find something
>what the fuck is a choppah
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>Horny Commissar is trying to bang both qt catboys
>One of them is named Schrodinger
>I keep seeing pic related pop into my head
God-Emperor damn it, this thread is providing me with so much hiliarity right now.
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>Be slaanesh
>The perfect prince
>currently ramming my fun stick into demonette's ass with extreme prejudice
>her friend is struggling to out the spiked dildo gag
>way she is writhing around just gets me even STIFFER
>almost get too into it an loose my grip on receiving demonette
>she tries making a run for it
>narrowly manage to grab her tail and pull back in
>Ohhohownottodaysorry.hercomesthe paintrain
>grab head tendrils and pull her back
>slide my tongue down her throat and lick of some my hot fresh milk off her face
>lick lips
>fold demonette over again by pulling her arms under her hips
>hold her head into my puddle of milk
>ram it back into her ass
>yeah, this is the life
>eyes wonder over to that shirty planet
>See delightful commissar is in a room with two furry corpse worshiping fleshies
>Thats my girl! Straight into the kinky shit!
>Hold up
>who tturned her vibrators off?
>nahuh, can't have that
>twiddle my fingers and make those "massagers" grow nubs
>lick my lips
>snap my fingers, turn those bad boys up to max power
>...you know what? Fuck it
>snap fingers and me those massager suckers malfunction and dail up to 11
>I can fucking hear her moan from here in the immaterium
>There we go...much better
>now where was I?
Emperor damn it all. Why have you got to make things worse Slaanesh. Thristy commissar is already a colossal slit without you helping her!
>Be Slaanesh
>hear some fleshy mortal complain
>worse? Did I me it worse?
>...or Better?
>lick lips
>Yeah definitely better
>*mounts gagged demonette on top of milk soaking one*
>Here I go!
>Get my two magic fingers, begin exploring second demonette's hooha
>return of whyboner
I cry for this Imperium. Rowboat Gullliman is going a shitty job
>be listening in the snow to some ork talking about choppahs and other stuff
>front pocket starts shaking
>take out the remote from pocket
>waT is that?
>oh my emperor
>never felt so disoriented in my life
>that nightmare will continue to haunt me as long as I live
>think music is gonna be better
>fiddle with radio while sick
>feels rAel TRipPy
>finds something sounding good at first
>I don't really like this music, but it sems to fix me
>battlefield is clear to me
>my guys are fighting the good fight
>heretic or Xeno scum are getting shot
>astartes bringing the heavy damage
>Giants are fighting above us
>under a black night sky
>song starts nearing end
>Tau bastard I thought hit suddenly appears
>has a dent on his helmet
>seize up while listening
>grab the radio close as he comes closer
>his gun's big
>he squats in front of me
>well it was a good run
>should have never got curious in the recruitment office
>close my eyes because I don't wanna see it coming
>fuck everything because I'm about to die
>the song's about to finish
>if it finishes, then the tau kills me
>seems legit
>still fuck him tho
>oh my emperor
>what a life
>cry bitch tears
>letting music to fade out
>mfw battlefield sounds is the last thing I hear
>mfw the music stops
>I wait
>I hear radio feedback
>oh what?
>open sticky eyes
>tau bastard's fiddling with the radio
>heart starts pumping
>my leg's dead tho
>then this comes on
>tau starts bobbing his head and kinda dancing to the song
>it's cheery
>oh that guy
>kinda weeb tho
>sadist tau
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In this thread....

The Imperium of man whoops ass
Well he's using abhumans who were supposed to be 'quarantined' to Carlos McConnell as regular abhuman regiments, so saying he's doing a shitty job is a bit of an understatement.
Vulkan should've come back instead of Rowboat. I guarantee you he'd do a better job.
But would Vulkan tolerate insane slavhallans and their hardbass crusading?

Also, this Ratling, deserves to get laid, he has balls the size of a terminator to seduce Abhuman loathing bolter birches like that
>the friendly, unkillable pyromaniac

I see your logic, but he lacks the IQ necessary to unfuck the imperium
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>Be Felinid Private Schrodinger
>Blush like I stumbled into a Sororitas dressing room
>Oh god-emperor, she wants to see me after the assault?
>Watch Magos bringing in some sort of weird-looking modified Titan
>Hear J. Commissar Svenja asking how they should they wait this out
>"Well ma'am, we..."
>Turn to see her arms already wrapped around Lieutenant Liono
>That's what she's talking about
>Did I seriously wake up in a pornoslate or something?
>Although she DID say to meet her in her tent after the assault
>And no jealous felinid women are around...
>Suddenly roof explodes
>Apparently the Tau Battlesuits are trying to rally
>I maybe had a shot at hooking up with a qt Commissar and these blue xenos interrupted it
Maybe. Then again, he Might just turn 90% of the imperium's colonies into self reliying manufactorums. Make it mimics his home planet
The Sisters of battle would certainly be a lot different if vulkan was In charge. Still pyromaniniacs like the big nocturne boi, but way more friendly to people
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Praise the God emperor! PURGE THE HERETIC! ....hug the citizen?
Go get them private!
But feel free to get assistance from the Astartes at the base and a fallen Tau mech from earlier
Too dman adorable
But really compelling
Why stop there?
Let's get an innocent soldier in this winter battlefield if anyone is willing to put in.
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I would want a bubbly Bolter sister to hug me
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>Be Sister Superior
>Is... Is this mutant trying to flirt with me?
>The absolute balls on this Ratling
>Its actually kind of adorable
>Hear loud teleporting sound
>Look out massive hole in wall
>that's a xenos titan
>that's a VERY BIG xenos titan
>Spot Astartes Drop pods in the sky
>Well shit.
>Glance around room
>Spot several body pillows with space marines on them in the room
>Look back at flirty Ratling
>Glare darkly at pervert, then sigh in exasperation
>"Just... Just go. Before I change my mind"
>Turn to recruits
>"What are you doing?! For Terra's sake, make yourselves look presentable! And for the love of the God-Emperor, HIDE THOSE DAMN PILLOWS!!"
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Oh no! My heart! I can feel the heresy! It's seeping in! What is this feeling my emprah?!

>Be Felinid Lieutenant Liono
>Commissar clearly wants me
>I still don't even know her name
>bunker of roof suddenly explodes
>the throne-damn Tau are trying to counterattack
>Notice the Commissar's arms are already wrapped around me
>Private Schrodinger is clearly pissed at being shot at
>Why do I get the feeling he thought this was going to be a three-way?
>Turn back to Commissar
>Feels like her lower body is vibrating against my groin
>"Ma'am Commissar... what was your name? We... We should remain alert in case of Tau i-infliltrators."
It is the feeling to hug your fellow Imperial citizen my sistah! Hug them and show them the love of the Emprah!
If they're heretics, HUG THE HERESY OUT OF THEM!
>t. Vulkan
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>Be Ratling sniper
>Maintaining my cool despite the fact a Crazy tall legs is still pointing a flamer at my face
>Can feel the primer flame beginning to give me a sun burn
>You don't have to shove it into my face for it to work, you know this right
>Then again, being so high up to the sky would scramble your brains somewhat
>There is a sweet lining to all of this though... >That Tall leg sister with the cybernetic eye just waved at me
>I won't hesitate to scavenge round for a step ladder and commit the most unforgivable heresy to her
>things are getting too quiet for my liking, the flamer wielding crazy tall legs is still glaring at me
>Guess the Ratling charm is not working, time for another stretch.
>I roll onto my belly and nervously circle finger on the sheets. give the Crazy tall legs the full Ratling smile
>"So Beautiful tall legs, am I free to scurry off?"
>Make sure to wink at that gorgeous eyed tall legs
>Suddenly there is the loud crack of lighting outside
>duck my head to peak out the whole in the wall along with the rest of the Tall sister's
>Struggle to actually look out side since I am now in full view of most of the tall legs plump and robust rears
>It is not easy to make a Ratling blush, but they sure did in an instant
>not sure how it got here, but now there is a xeno titan running a muck round the place
>Crazy flamer Tall legs looks at me and tell me bugger off be she changes her mind
>Yes MA'AM!
>Hope off the bed, pick up my slug rifl and start pattering under all the tall legs towards the door
>Try not to look up, even though an opportunity like this would never happen again
>They sure love their sweet perfume for crazy flamer wielding tall legs
>almost make it to the door when i find my legs waddling in mid air
>Feel a steel grip on the back of my neck
>Next thing you know I get shoved into a sack
>What the Crap?!
>Last thing I see is that gorgeous robo eyed tall legs looking down at me with a finger over her lip
>Then darkness.
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Fuck it gonna make a bio
>be me a Sister of Silence
>Lassata Statio, prosecutor in training
>once Arbites, but then reported to special training
>best friends are hands
>i prefer my hands than weapons from afar
>my hands have hurt many
>orks and xenos
>heretics and ex-communicated
>latest order given was to reach out through the imperium to seek meeting with Inquisition and Ecclesiarch about certain planet
>disguised myself as rich mute while traveling
>captain of craft I'm using tell me and other passengers that fuel is running low and have to drop us on planet Timbuktu
>says will return to take us to where we need to go
>still waiting after seasons passed
>arrival on planet was ill-fitting to say the least
>had to adopt new town librarian disguise
>men flocked to me
>quit because I take my silence seriously
>adopt new widow fisherwoman disguise
>children make fun of me
>I think they disturb me when they want to know what I catch
>adopt new public officer disguise
>everyone respects me and I respect everyone
>publicly known as "Silent Teletha"
>this is acceptable as can be
>worst case was dealing with Slanneshi cult
>only 3 summoners and 15 demons
>was worst case until Imperium's Guardsmen arrived
>General is appointed from local leadership
>shuttles are refusing civilians from leaving the planet
>more incidents have occurred
>find or get crime scene, help arrest or kill heretics, visit bar, repeat
>each crime solved is another cult location found
>presently fishing in ice lake
>admittedly pleasant hobby
>once caught a Guardsman's boot
>I usually get furry fish and blue bass most of the time
>hear echoes of an explosion
>doubt authenticity as more geysers are being found by locals lately
>hear something running to me
>turn when not suspicious
>It is little Henry in furry jacket
>he's crying
>I hold him still until he calms down
>hug him close when he's still crying
>his mother should have an explanation
>carry him and run to his home
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>Be Lord commissar Lydmila Timoshenko
>The purge of heretic infested building is going better than expected
>New comrades have proven to be quite valuable to general Igor's regiment, they do not let a single traitorous escape them
>Our tanks shatter the fragile buildings, heretics flee as the buidling collapses on top of them
>But they do not get far before they are welcomed by a most Valhallan greeting, wave of las gun fire and bayonets
>No words can describe the joy I feel when I see another heretic building crumble into pile of dead body and rubble
>I lift foot onto hatch of tank and brace as force of the crumbling structure unleashes a furious wind
>Most comrades turn away and cover eyes, But I do not fear bad luck, the God Tsar protect
>Next building!
>The convoy continues to push forward,their mighty cannons echoing, joining their brother squadrons in the musical harmony of God Tsar's fury
>Above it, countless vox caster unleash Ardbass from mother planet. It turn even the weakest of Valhallan into steel men and women
>Personal vox communicate awake, General Igor relay new orders
>Titan? where Titan?
>I climb out of tank hatch and stand on roof, see colossal shadow of Xeno titan
>Press vox communicator, confirm generals order and relay to all columns.
>I see rabble of Cadian cowards dropping their las guns and try to flee away from titan
>Eye twitch, I draw pistol and shoot them down. Even get one who tired ducking behind ruined tank
>See his legs under it, shot off foot, then shoot through forehead as he lay crying
>only cowards die with such shame
>I blow commissar whistle and grab all comrades attention
>They see Titan, some stumble, first time they ever see one
>It ok, I draw Power sword and give Yell of motherplanet. all eyes now on me
>"COMRADES! Today the honour of pleasing the God tsar is upon you! Today we show the imperium why the name Valhalla bring fear into all enemies of the Imperium..."
>Comrade remain silent, but I see their faces grown focused, they know what we must do
>I take the time to look at many of my vallhallan soldier's faces
>Memorize them before their inevitable glory
>All Valhallans raise their rifle, fists and bayonets, even Tank crew yell throw vox communicator
>One Final honourable "URA!" From all comrades
>I blow commissar whistle again, they start running towards the titan.
>See one comrade limping with injured leg, it hanging onto him by a string of muscle
>"Comrade! where you go?"
>He say he go kill titan, he even grip his bayoneted rifle firmly
>I order him to report to Medical Chimera at back of convoy
>He protest, wants to go kill titan with comrades, but I tell him one thing
>"But comrade, first you get metal leg...then you join the charge"
>Soldier understand and salute, he limp to back of convoy
>Take sit back on Tank hatch, bang roof to tell tank crew to link up with Troops
>We drive over to the eedge of large snow covered field, few bomb crators and bodies, but it is clear plain to Titan.
>Wait for all tanks and Comrades to line up
>Give Final Look at general Igor he nod, I bow head.
>I take Whistle once more and take big breath, unleash loudest signal so all may here
>They reply with ground shaking "URRRRRRAAAAAAAA!"
>They do not wait for my sword swing, All start charging towards titan.
>Tanks go at full speed, but comrades put all their might into their fury, they close behind
>My heart tightens at the sight
>This....This is what Valhallans do best...We will do God Tsar Proud
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....Wonder what would happen if Lord commissar Slavhallan met Commissar Thot
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Heavy Slav breathing

>as I run I look at the ground
>there are casings here
>Guardsman casings
>laser cartridges, metal fragments, bayonets, and blood
>blood all over the snow
>look at Henry's soles
>no bleeding holes from his feet
>continue running
>Bloody helmet lodged in a tree
>puddles of blood in the snow
>the blood is starting to freeze
>run faster
>start seeing larger solid things like broken wheels and metal splinters that can kill a careless child
>my suspicion better not be right
>Henry's house has been ran over by something
>still carrying Henry
>knock on the door
>no answer
>go through open hole of house
>Henry's mom is there
>she is barely alive with her leg ran over and twisted under a table and breathing
>Henry squirms in my arms and I let him go
>I quickly find matchsticks and set up fire on framed glass
>I am sorry for it was the family photo frame
>she is losing her face color
>I need to set up another fire
>hear someone coming from the road
>leap out of the house and land in fighting stance
>it's a Guardsman medic
>I gesture that he comes
>slowly he comes with me into the house
>I point him to the woman and leave
>I have to keep up my disguise as public officer
We should make that happen
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Well, commissar thirsty would finally get penetrated, but it won't be in the way she had hoped
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It is good to see that not all of my commissar children have become drooling idiots or sluts with an appetite that would make that crack whore Slaanesh jealous
....all of the cultist went out like little bitches in this thread....How the fuck did that happen?

And to gaurdsmen no less, Fucking guardsmen!
>implying the cultists aren't hiding somewhere
You'd think we'd see a jump in civilian Slaaneshi population at the arrival of Felinid females or something like that.
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What civilians though? Half of them joined the blueberries and are getting slaughtered, the other half got slain by WRRRY assassin and Slav guardsmen for joining heretics

I know those feels Emps.
>What civilians though?
Have ya checked the SoB's convent? I'm pretty sure those bolter bitches hate hardbass, and if they hate the glorious voice of the god-tsar, they must be heretics, right?
>Be me, Gretch servin' da Adboss. Da Adboss Grummorg Rishteef iz really appy today. I wonda why? Seemz like ee'z about to say it...


The Gigantic cannon on the Ork vessel "The Teefferry" shoots a huge arrows of teeths that do not disintegrate while in flight.

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>I'm pretty sure those bolter bitches hate hardbass,


> ...and if they hate the glorious voice of the god-tsar, they must be heretics, right?

Is even question? NO DOUBT! they Heretic
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>Commissar Bax's reaction when the other, 'supposedly competent' Lady Commissar leads her regiment against the local Sisters of Battle over the love of hardbass
>Be Private Viktor
>It Is glorious comrades!
>Tank make Heretic Cyka Blyat run like pussies
>Me and Comrades chase like hungry Volk from mother planet
>No mercy for ardbass hating blyat pussies
>Comrades leave them in pieces
>Building start coming down on top of me and comrades
>We Run outside
>Go straight into next one
>Find more pussy traitor hiding
>There no hiing from Glorious ARDBASS CRUSADE
>I Stab cyka heretic who try surrender
>Maybe I do to strong, Head rip off
>Now it stuck on bayonet
>Me and comrades laugh, it pretty funny
>I Go show comrade general
>He laugh, he say it perfect for blyat heretic head bouquet
>AH, that mean one thing
>Comrade general have special damksy in life
>This good, Vikot hope they make many baby
>Strong Comrade baby that fight for god tsar
>I will help
>Comrade General then point to Xeno pussy titan
>Shto? that new
>....But me and comrade like, first time we kill titan
>Comrade general give order
>glorious Valhallan Comrade regiment meet at field
>It all tundra, nothing to stop Glorious comrades from getting to pussy titan
>Look at thousands of tank a comrades waiting for order
>All wear Tri poloski proudly
>DA....DA...Give order comrades....GIVE ORDER. WE READY
>Hear Commissar whistle
>All cormades yell, make sure Motherplanet can hear
>For ARDBASS! for Glorius GOD TSAR!
>We run, run, RUN
>Comrades rush through snow like water
>rip snow when we charge through
>Feel no exhaustion, only fury of god tsar
>All comrades eyes are white, mouth foam
>We chant songs of motherplanet
>Reach foot of titan
>See astartes Pussies trying to fight pussy xeno titan
>Comrades rush past Astarte blyat
>Start climbing Titan Leg
>Crawl into armour gap
>Start pull wires apart
>With rifle, with bayonet, with teeth, With BARE HANDS
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Has no happen yet comrade.

But if Bolter Blyat no apologies, then glorious ARDBASS CRUSADE come for them
It is shit like this which makes the imperium the shithole that it is, everyone just calls each other heretics for stupid shit .
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Not sure why. But I get the feeling you don't like The Sisters of battle that much
Also, the Imperial guard are making the spess mahrins look like total pussies at the moment.
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>be me, General Igor Pidarskij
>watch evil xenos titan get sprayed with las-fire and artillery
>a simple las-gun wouldn't be much problem for evil xenos titan
>but you see my comrades, getting sprayed by whole regiment of great valhallan warriors is different thing
>see thing struggle to keep straight
>artillery concentrates fire to legs of evil xenos titan
>evil xenos titan falls over
>da, da, DAAAAAA
>signal to Lydmila to finish the thing off
>see beautiful cheeks of great valhallan woman turn red with joy
>she give order to men and cannoneers
>evil xenos titan get sprayed by whole regiment of brave soldiers and dozens of tanks
>stops moving
>secure perimeter
>drive tank over to dead xenos titan
>jump down to head of titan
>adjust ushanka
>stab saber into titan's head
>da, confirm dead
>shout over to Lydmila
>some comrade come to me
>he tells there's commissar hiding nearby
>tell him i deal with that later, first i drink with dear Lydmila
>make mental note to promote private Viktor for bravery
>see parts of dead titan in mouth
>see him doing viktory tanets with vodka and titan parts in hand
>tears of joy and proud come to ears
>da, DAAAA true son of valhalla
>true warrior of god tsar
>see astartes getting out of way of sweet Lydmila
>good to see space marines recognise strength
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There no easy way to put this, but that Ratling is gonna get...
We call in astartes, start to build up heavy forces and heavy fire power, and even a Reaver titan...
and this Xeno mech goes down with a couple hundred bloodthirsty vodka-powered troopers and a dozen or so heavy tanks!!!??

Where were the xeno mech self-defenses!?
Where were the Xeno reinforcements!??
Where were the Xeno killings???
Where did the troopers hurt themselves due to being too gloriously motivated???
Where was the problems of having super willed but human bodies???
Where was the humility and self-restraint of flesh against laser fire???
Where was
Oh fuck. this is just writefaggotry

Eh yeh fine then. Let's have this one then. Let's let that cheeki breeki stay cheeki breeki until the army needs to checki its braki when they hit a lack of limits speed bump.
And then hit the sign of unfitting absurdity and repetition and diminishing creativity.

I really hope they deal fairly with the pathetic survivors and regroup with willing IGs.
But even if these cheeki breekis do shoot a lot of "cowards", we still have a bunch of idiots on Timbuktu.

Now what's next?
What hurt you vestern spy? All know that imperial gaurd suffer casualty in any engagement. Who know how many comrades survived killing titan? Knowing slavhallan standards they probably lost 75% of manpower in whole ardbass crusade.
And no pushy want talk for cyka blyat xeno. Not even you. So why complain if Xeno pussies are left to fate?
Would you prefer shitloads of guardsmen die while assaulting xeno titan?
desu I forgot or I don't know what hurt me
but maybe I like my writing too much
and acknowledging death in personal ranks
but let's move on then
sorry about that outburst
I have been speaking too much and holding it in lately
Interpret that as you want
ultrasigh, yeh that xeno mech should have died anyways.
seems like the 40k way expected it to be
so I see myself wanting to enforce it
but you do make a point there
Apologies my comrade. I see what mean. I though this was silly thread so it when ham. Maybe I try writepussy scene again for you comrade, to make up.

Viktor warn da, I not good writepussy

basically I took that mech as a challenge to be beaten by characters and a plan with loss and reward,
not expecting an army of vodka-power men displaying so much gain without much loss (I think),
and that really peeved me off because planning and execution were supposed to be paying off somehow.
shit might as well join the bad guys

Yeah that's over, let's move on then
Thanks for asking though. but still
I'm getting too touchy feely here.
It ok comrade. I know how feel. It same when pussy in DOW 3 made spess mahrin jump kilometer in tank armour.

I use to collect slavhallans, and I know disappointment when GW say they going to bring out more imp guard. Then put out more Rambo and cadia
Do you guys still want me to use the Eversor guy or no?
As much as I love my cadians, GW really need to focus WAY more on the other regiments, like come on
Da go ahead comrade!

It silly thread.

But I might be slow posting. Comrade has made feel need to give him proper imperial guard scene.
you should not need to make new scene. just keep doing what you're doing, but maybe include more times with babushka or limbo or rest.
Oh what am I doing, you are honest man and I am wordy law abiding critic and cynic. I should make my peace.
Da they do. I mean, imperial guard have some of best lore. Mordian, Valhallan, Vostroyans, Tallarn, Savla chem dogs, penal legions, Tarax guard, Attlians, Praetorians (fucking movie Zulu in space) there so much potential. But no

GW pussy like starship trooper too much
go ahead man, you haven't really made any big upsets in writing, since that I clearly belong to the sensitive tongue that couldn't handle a speck of pepper
Pal, man, whatever, as law abiding as I am, even I know that laws should be broken occasionally, if not the right way.
Love my Cadians but GW do something else for once, enough is enough do something new, at this point people view my cadians like they view the ultrasmurfs, It's not a good look.
Sumfing iz not right. I hav dis new planet, but no wun iz buying moar of me merchs... perhaps I shud invest in doz hummies? Betta be safe dan sorry!

>Be me, Gretch servin' da Adboss. Da Adboss Grummorg Rishteef iz really appy today. I wonda why? Seemz like ee'z about to say it...


(aiming at human settlements and troops)
Quick question, where the dude who controls the xeno that just teleported, I'm trying to have an epic fight with it.
Slry I have my Jojo memes lock loaded and ready to go, dude react already
ah literary shit
comrade writebro!
look out!!!
I mean that guy has not been here for the past 2 days. We're just dealing with his op OC and managed to kill it off with cheeki breeki army, astartes, IG guys, and artillery, and that was a headache but probably worth including, like a argument in a relationship.
As far as I remember, we were supposed to finding the lost 49 baneblades, find the rebel base, remove the other heretics, and then establish dominance, but then fra'al invasion is just happening now.
But at this point, we're just having a fight with a literary doll and it's fun because we're winning. Go ahead and start the fight with the xeno that controlled the SILVER BOI or giant mech, but you'll also be playing as the xeno because he's not really being responsible for that faction.
Oh yeah. I forgot about the bane blades
Sorry for not posting yet comrades still writing my shitty version
A sudden wind sliced through the ranks, gnawing at my skin like a vicious animal staved for weeks, I suppress the urge to shiver, grinding my teeth together to stop them from chattering. I tighten the coat around my neck hoping that it would elevate the aggravation caused by the freezing breeze, it doesn’t help, but a least it soaked up the sweat. To take my mind of the wait, I glare to the poor man beside me, stuttering away as he cradled his rifle to his chest in a misguided attempt to keep warm. Did I feel pity for the young recruit, maybe, he looked no older than the minimal age to enlist , and here he was shivering half to death with a blank stare of trauma engrave into his face. For a second he snapped his eyes to me, almost pleading for some form of reassurance. I gave him none, just my usual snarl and flick of my chin. The young recruit knew what I meant and lowered his head to look at his snow glazed boots. All valhallans knew the signal, it was one of the first things you learn back home, though the drill sergeant would never teach you, the people in your platoon did. It means to not break, not even if you are facing death, bite your tongue and continue with your duty, the less you complain before you die, the easier it is to remember you.

I turned to Sergeant Mirinkov, he was grumbling to himself as he forked his finger into the collar of his uniform, letting out a couple of curses and insults to heretical worshipers to help himself concentrate. We were exhausted; I cannot remember the last time I sat down in the last two days, my legs have lost all feeling and remain as if an extension of my own delusion. Only the occasional cramp and quick bouts of pins and needles reassure me that they are still there.

Here is start, let me know if it shit so far
Where can I by the book?
Hahaha I can't post more I got banned. Not sure from thread or board
Also currently on way home probably going to be 1 hour before can talk again. Will someone be here?
probably me
Anyone still alive on this thread?
shitload of guardsmen did die. A regiment is in our world from like 1500 to 3000 soldiers, now take into consideration that we are talking about the 40k universe. I'm guessing 5000 to 10000. After we would do a head count we would see that we've lost half or even more of our men, but hey they died in the good guardsmen fashion.
It is the nature of being a guardsmen, you are thrown at the problem until there's enough of you to solve it, and it doesn't matter if you die in the process.
Viktor said that soldiers were climbing on that thing and fighting melee. The general clearly killed dozens of his own man with the artillery.
Sorry if i'd ruin the fun for you, I thought we were turning it up to 11 for this thread.
Hello comrade. somehow figured to get self un banned. but not sure where to start posting the scene. cause here I will get banned again
Comrade, are you sure that's why you got banned?
Maybe. it is most probable. as soon as I posted it banned me
Why? are you normally allow to make long post?
he should be allowed, the character limit is 3000 and he didn't break it.
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ok, I try again.


“Sergeant Minki! How long is that cyka going to make us wait?! What is the point of gathering us here if we are only going to watch?” Private Viktor grunted, pitching the tip of his bayonet. The sergeant cocked his eyebrow with a furious scowl and glared at the drunken soldier, I could tell he want to bring the idiot back to reality, but he stalled.

“We go as soon as the comrade general’s confident with our numbers, then we must wait for the commissars whistle. Trust me comrade viktor, you will get that glorious death you want…”Mirinkov snapped, licking his top lip to keep them moist. Once Viktor gave a content snort, the sergeant turn back to face the empty tundra, what was the point of breaking one fools drunken fantasy, especially now, we all knew what was about to happen, let a moron have his glory.
Another breeze whipped the line, sending a wave of curses and awkard shuffling down the whole front. It was impressive; I can say that, seventy thousand men stood ready, nervously standing in loose ranks in a poorly dug out farm ditch long three kilometres of bare rock covered snow, among us grumbled tired and furious war machines, the formidable leman russ. Their engines bounced and disrupted the helpless silence of the light blizzard, black vapour hissing out it’s tall exhaust pipes before dissipating into the pale sky. I tried to not to think of this as an omen, though, one didn’t need a premonition to understand the situation. The tundra ahead was already a reminder, an endless pale void littered with the imprints of past barrages and the frozen corpses of the regiments who has struggled here days ago. It was best to avoid meeting the gaze of these petrified dead, their faces of horror, acceptance or disappear were forever moulded onto them, staring long enough would even make Sergeant Mirinkov buckle to his knees.
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...just beyond it, stood the behemoth, the one who would be taking our lives, the xeno titan, darking the sky whenever it unleashed a concentrated beam to the prey at it’s feet.

Then the whistle came. I did not want to hear it, I had hoped my nerves had finally boiled into paranoia and played a foul trick on my mind, but the look on sergeant Mirinkov’s face twisted my stomach to strangle itself with my intestines. I fought down the gore making its way up my throat, swallowing after it clashed against my teeth, shaking my head to bear the foul taste of old rations and blood. Mirinkov called out to me, I looked up expecting a question, instead, he just stared at me with tired eyes, almost like he was fighting back tears, before giving a quick nod and pulling the pin back on his las gun. Taking his lead I did the same, pulling my notched bayonet from it sheath and clicking under the muzzle of my barrel. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the young recruit fumble his blade, dropping it into the snow, causing Mirinkov to snap at him, an embarrassment the young soldier quickly corrected, and accidently cutting himself with his own bayonet as he stuck it on. Mirinkov shook his head , muttering “idiot” under his breath as he climbed out of the ditch and faced the platoon
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The reaver was just a distraction for the xenos Titan

Trust me, I'm a magos
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“Alright you svin’va! Attach bayonets! Today we show those xeno cyki that their biggest mistake was making an enemy of the imperium! FOR THE GOD TSAR!” Sergeant mirnik roared stabbing his rifle into the air, there was a brief silence as we all made peace with ourselves, glaring hollowly back at the sergeant. Working himself into a rage, Mirinkov lifted his rifle once more and growled with all his might.
The cry bombarded everyone’s’ ears, shocking their emotions into a mixture of fear, patriotism and madness, inspiring all to return the call.
“URA!URA!URA!UUUUUURRRRRRAAAAAAAA” , it was impossible to hear your own voice, thousands upon thousands of valhallans unified their terror into their final roar of defiance. It was better this way; no one could hear the cry for help in your broken yell.
The Tanks Roared awake and ripped the dirty from under their tracks, dragging ahead like suicidal coffins as their vox caster unleashed the final words of their crew, another blinding war cry. We infantry charged after them, like possessed hounds, hungry for the carrot of glory dangling from the back of the line of tanks. At first, every step felt effortless, gliding through the waist high snow, convinced that the god tsar had temporarily delivered his radiant invincibility onto us, reassured by the bloodied bayonets we held out in front of us.
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. Then the days of attrition had finally caught up with us, muscles that we had forced ourselves to ignore returned with retribution, our legs began tugging and tightening, slowing some men into a brief stumble, until they jerked their limb outwards, braving through a moment of harsh pain in order to continue forward, unless you were fortunate enough to have your close comrades grab you by the arms and drag you along with them. After two weeks of surviving on four hours of sleep, some men could no longer take it, collapsing into the floor and sunk into the tundra floor, others just erupted into fits of coughing and vomited violently, eventually toppling over to cradle their agonising bellies. Despite this, we still felt invincible; crawling forward behind the tanks fuelled by our zealotry, though, the cruel hammer of reality would awaken us from this nightmare and introduce us to the one we were really living in.

I feel my feet grow heavier than solid metal as I heard a distant groan, echoing like the song of death itself as it wailed for a whole minute, it crescendo the earth shattering vibration of the earth its self. Did I dare to look up? Yes. If I were to die, I would want to know what sent my soul into the immaterium, that way I do not look like a fool to those I meet their. My body immediately stiffened for a moment, stalling my advance as I bore witness to the xeno titan, standing with all its glory, glaring down at us with its colossal red eye, the blood in my vein frozen in place, thickened by absolute horror.
sorry for shitty Writepussidry comrades. It worth to keep going?
so far your general approves comrade!

>Be DIsguised Blood Axe Kommando 'Commissar Bax'
>watching humies fight xenos titan with just lasguns and love for hardbass
>zog me dem other valhallans really know to fight proppa'
>Suddenly get call from felinid medicae on vox
>She informs me that Lord Commissar Lerch is dead
>Apparently he was trampled to death
>There are clearly guard-issue bootprints stamped all over his back
>Well he was a pussy anyway
>Wait, that means battlefield promotions
>I'm the new Lord Commissar now?!
>Call Jr. Commissar Svenja on vox
>"Congratulations Svenja Ulric. Lord Commissar's dead. Youz the new Lord Commissar now!"
>That puts her at a higher rank than me
>Well, technically I'm not in the same regiment as her
>But no she's got as much power as the 'competent Valhallan lord commissar' attacking the titan
>Suddenly look up and see giant teef falling from the sky in most bizarre Ork bombardment ever seen
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“Alexi! Keep your feet moving! Only the dead stay frozen!” sergeant Mirinkov growled as he brushed my shoulder with his, It saved me from my own thoughts, delivering control back to my instincts, like being hit in the face with a bucket of steaming water.
“URA SERGEANT!” I replied, my voice crackled with weakness, but thankfully Mirinkov was already too far ahead to hear me. Revived from the terror, I looked at the other around me, many others had also found themselves petrified at the sight, blanking gasping at the xeno giant. I snapped at them and brought them back to focus, leading them back into the mass charge and catching up to sergeant mirinkov. The Xeno titan began to groan again, letting out two deep wails and a single sharp screech, pushing one of its stumped arms forward which flicked open into a gaping maw. It the bowels of the monster’s cannon sparked a light, first starting as a mere distant star before rapidly growing into a blinding aura larger than any sun. My body had the life sucked from it in an instant, falling completely numb as the high pitch howl of energy erupted from the xeno titan’s gun and unleashed a bright green beam upon the regiment, condemning all caught in the devastating ray into a fire of hell that not even the warp could imitate, drawing helpless cries and calls for mercy until they were silenced into ashes.

ok...so I keep on trying?
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I, I can’t run, I push myself to try, but it only last a couple of seconds before it descends into a confused stumble, sending me barrelling to the floor. The air has become poisonous with the stench of burning flesh, clogging up my lungs which are panicking for breath, stealing mouth fouls of the foul taste with every gasp. Quickly, I hoist myself back to my knees and scan the tundra which had been punished by the monster’s vile weapon. The floor wasn’t even spared, singed to a smouldering trail of ash and coal, with an occasional deformed husks of leman russ as the only evidence of who used to be there. My terrified heart is the only thing I can hear, bashing against my chest, desperate to flee from this slaughter, numbing the ears into a dull hum. Slowly I return to the present, disorientated by the rapid assault of screams, cries and deafing tank fire, head weightless with terror as my vision swirls back into clarity.
“Get up! On your feet, NOW!” Sergeant Mirinkov’s orders frighten me to leap to my feet, only to realize that the order wasn’t for me. He stood over the young recruit from earlier, now tensed into a shivering ball on the ground, trembling with horror as he whimpered like a newborn, trying to hide his wide eyed stare behind his clenched fist. I joined the small group of platoon members who gathered around to watch, struggling to withhold my own desire to breakdown and accepted the inevitable. Mirinkov continued to yell orders at the young soldier, each time receiving a mumbled refusal or a childlike shake of the recruit’s head.

If this annoying, let me know comrades
Think I scare comrades off. sorry
i don't think so, we are just waiting for the story to go on, so the ardbass crusade can return or even visit commissar svenja
Oh! Thought everyone leave. sorry.
“n-n-no sergeant…I…I…am I good soldier?! I am good soldier? Where is Sasha? She is alive? SASHA!” the young soldier cried.
Confirming that he had surrendered to paranoia, the recruit whimpered, allowing snot to cover his cheek after a failed attempt to clean it with the back of his hand. We all looked at the sergeant, who face now burnt with his impulsive rage, driving him to crouch down to the broken man’s level and yell into his ear.
“Are you good soldier? Are you good-? Cyka! Now is not time to cry for your mother Nicholas!” the sergeant begun, Pulling himself back onto his feet, he drew his pistol and delivered a sharp kick into the recruits chest, temporarily halting the young man’s cries as he was forced to fight for air.
“Get up! Get up you coward! You are fucking disgrace to this platoon Nicholas! I do not bay sit cyka! We kill them!” The sergeant roared, pulling the recruits head back by the hair and pressing the pistol under his chin.
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“Fight! Fight for your comrades! Fight for the god tsar! Show them that you are worth mentioning! Show that you fucking deserve this fucking uniform!” Mirinkov persisted, shaking the helpless recruit like a lifeless doll. It was an effort made in vain, as the young recruits eyes pleaded with the sergeant, remaining for a few moments before erupting back into childlike cry. Irritated, Mirinkov relented and released the soldier, letting him topple back to the floor like a corpse. Fixing his furred helmet, the sergeant drove his foot into the recruit’s groin, leaving him squirming in agony as he sheathed his pistol, muttering one final insult before ordering us to re-join the assault.
“Fucking coward. Let him die out here, he is not worth wasting a charge”
We all noticed the sergeant’s eyes, though he repressed his physical weakness, a dried trail of tears betrayed his façade. In that instant it became clear, that sergeant Mirinkov, could not bring himself to kill his own men, not even after all his harsh promises to do so. I had always respected the man, though now, I will be the first time I pity him. The other soldier look at one another, hoping that someone would be brave enough to ask Mirinkov a question, instead, we all flicked our chins at one another; bowing our heads in shame as we followed after the sergeant.
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There was a lot of ground to recover; our platoon had fallen behind the main body of the charge, making up the small patches of stragglers accompanied by a tank or two for protection. Though we knew it offered no safety from the xeno colossal, it still gave us a false confidence that it would carry us to the next onslaught, at this point we clung onto any fragment of hope, helped our minds avoid from submitting to the insanity of fear. This arrogance was the only safeguard against the task at hand, a reason to continue forward despite hearing the titan’s vile hum and feel your shoulders tighten to your ears every few minutes. Ignoring the scorching light of its beam cannon as it flickered in your eyes, summoning an explosion of screams and the sound of crumbling rocks which immediately feel silent as soon as the light dissipated, knowing that hundreds of your comrades have just been banished into memory forever.
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Finally, we made it to the end of the tundra field, awed by the thousands of soldiers crawling around an abandoned trench network a few hundred meters from the Xeno titan’s foot. They looked like frantic parasites and they scurried and climbed over each other, diving for cover as the Xeno Titan fired it beam, taking out a couple of tanks. As we approached the trench, I glared up at the towering shadow ahead, its true size revealed in full glory, it leg’s alone stood tall than any building I had ever seen, rivalling the might basilicas which overshadow the cities back in Valhalla. Its arms where a thick as small cruisers and it body wide as an imperial citadel wall, held together by refined bolted armour and millions of wires which could be seen through narrow gaps in the monster’s joints. Now when it moved or rotated it’s torso, the metal groan sound earlier sounded more like a deafening war horn, stinging the inside of your ears as it’s limbs came to a halt.
Spotting an opportunity, Mirinkov, the Platoon and I drove into the trench, sliding down the frozen walls of dirt, splashing in the river of muddied water which ran through out the confided network.
Sorry if this shit is boring comrades
“Disgusting! This shit is almost as unbearable as your face Aron!” viktor spat, pulling his boot out of the thin soup of mud and make an attempt to shake it some corpse’s rotting hand off of it. Corporal Aron glared at the drunkard, lifting his rifle against one shoulder, threatening to strike the fool for the stupid comment. Luckily the sergeant seized the corporal’s shoulder and tugged his attention forward, grunting that he had already dealt with enough “idiot cyka” for today. Before Aron could even think about looking back at Viktor, I lightly shoved him with the butt my rifle, getting him moving quickly so we did not lose Sergeant Mirinkov in the chaos festering in the trench. It was almost impossible to make sense of what was going on, swarms of panicked soldiers shoved their way through one another, sometimes restoring to climbing over each other’s shoulders or swimming under the knee high water whenever the narrow trench clotted with men desperate to find any shelter they could. Brawls erupted as platoons fought over the remains of ransacked bunkers, munition rooms and old medical tunnels, even the debate over who laid claim to the latrine dug outs decayed in petty knife fights or a hectic free for all between platoons. Those who reserved their energy for the fight ahead migrated to the edge of the trenches, marking a small section for themselves to lean against or squat, tightly cradling their rifles in their hands, ready for the inevitable signal which call us over the top. Few dared to climb up onto the wall step and peak over at the ongoing massacre outside, nervously popping back down as the Xeno titan unleashed another beam, briefly darkening the world with its intense light. Braver still were the soldiers who poked their heads out firing their las guns at the small scrambles of xeno filth protecting their behemoth, like parasites protecting their rotting corpse.
I'd call it off soon comrade, we're approaching the bump limit.
>Be faithful guardsmen.
>Read 1/5 of thread.
>*self blam for heresy*
>implying a thread where the guard alone is actually winning a planet against multiple enemies is heresy
You blaspheme against the God-Emperor of Mankind with this nonsense comrade. You spend 2 year in gulag now.
I focus my eyes onto the back of corporal Aron, occasionally glancing ahead to see if we were still trailing behind sergeant Mirinkov and hadn’t gotten lost. I do my best to drown out the rest of the world, refusing to acknowledge the relentless volleys of tank fire and endless shouting as we shuffle through the trench, forcing myself to remain calm while I drag my fee through the murky water. Manage to catch glimpses of the men we pass, all have the same face, they might force a smile or hide it behind a angered scowl, but we all know what our real face is underneath, the uncertain stare of men who do not know what will become of them. As a child, you are told all the stories of those who had worn the Valhallan coat, the blood they gave, their courage, and the unflinching sacrifice our forefathers. As a child you knew what you were meant to be, how you would give your life to the emperor without question, endure the coldest of ice world because you knew, you were a Valhallan. The warnings were there from since the beginning, no surviving grandfather, grandmother, father and mother ever hid the truth, but how could we understand what the battlefield is, to us it was what glory looked like; what we imagined it to be.
>implying the astartes won't pull their usual bullshite
there were some astartes fighting aswell, and they will take all the credit in the end, like always
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My thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a falling soldier, narrow missing me as he fell in front of me, screaming in pain as he held his neck which hissed smoke through his fingers. I jumped back to avoid getting hit by the muddy water as the solider fell in soaking nearby conscripts who were pressed up against the wall, his rifle tumbled off the trench wall after him, sinking into the filthy river. The man wormed and kicked violently in the mud, his cries for help muffled by the mud water which flooded into this mouth with every gasp. It wasn’t long before his comrade’s came rushing over, crowding around their injured friend as they pull his head out of the gunk and propped him up against their knee. I held back a wince when the nature of the soldier’s injury was revealed when his comrades pulled his hands away, allowing a short spurt of his blood to spit out through a large gnash in the side of his throat. Looked as if a savage ork had sunk his teeth into him, the flesh had been completely ripped and mauled beyond repair. The bone edges of his spine were exposed amongst the seeping muscles, while his trachea oozed and spat blood and saliva through a hole which had teared a finger sized hole in it. I eventually pulled my eyes away and forced myself to step over his shivering legs and continue following corporal Aron, glancing back a final time to see the man jerk still as his comrades fastened a soaked bandage warp around his neck.
“Look Alive you svin’va We found him!” Sergeant Mirinkov remarked joyfully, pausing to turn his back towards us to make sure the whole platoon was still behind him.
“Found who? The stupid cyka in charge of this shithole?” Aron spat slugging his rifle behind his shoulder
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>Ork Commissar is deliberately trying to push all the credit of preventing the IG regiment on this side of the planet onto the horny junior commissar whose definition of 'restoring morale' doesn't... exactly qualify with Commissariat standards.
Commissar Bax clearly doesn't know that being a humble commissar doesn't really deflect attention, but increases it. Just ask Hero of the Imperium Commissar Cain.
>mfw an Ork and a complete thot might actually end up Heroes of the Imperium like Commissar Ciaphas Cain.
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“so it is not you then Aron? All this time and here I thought you were finally home” Viktor cackled, before he was immediately told to shut up by sergeant Mirinkov who pointed over to a stocky fat man knelt next to soldier wearing a radio pack, yelling into a vox communicator.
“See that fat sack of shit? He is in charge! And unless you svin’va cyka are comfortable sitting on your arse in a river of shit, I suggest we find out the fuck is going on” The sergeant explained, huffing over to the short old man, given a quick lazy salute.

“The fuck are we waiting for colonel?!” Mirinkov snarled, kneeling beside the veteran in a bright red trench coat, his rank elaborately displayed on his right sleeve. Peering up from the vox communicator, the colonel let out an angered scoff, brushing his moustache back into a presentable shape.
“Waiting for a Cadian whore to crawl over and suck my cock Sergeant…what the fuck do you think I am waiting for?!” the veteran roared, scanning the rest of us with his grey eye, his other one seemed to have been replaced with a glass imitation.
“And that would be?!”Aron prodded, irritated by the colonel’s crude response.
The old man lifted a finger to the corporal’s face and warning him to watch his tongue.
“The fucking artillery! They were meant to sending gifts to this giant xeno shit stain a fucking hour ago!” The colonel explained lifting the vox communicator up to his face again, yelling repeated requests for an immediate bombardment. Sergeant Minirkov turned back to us with a dissatisfied frown, gesturing that we should go back the way we came and wait for the second assault to begin. Aron and Viktor spat curses under their breath, slowly turning to venture back through the hectic trenches, until a distant roll of bellowing explosions echoed from behind us. Every single man fell silent, turning to the pale sky as if expecting to spot a miracle,
Enough already with the writefaggotry. You're eating up the thread with it!
Does it end there or what?
Eh, the thread should pick up again in a few hours when other the anons wake up and such.
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Shouldn't we make new thread then? like this one is almost done boi

also, Cheeki breeki, is there any more?
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>Be Slaanesh
>the prefect prince
>just about to blow my load into the ass of a semi conscious demonette when I realize something
>check up on that shitty planet with thirsty commissary
>that insane corpse worshippers wearing fur hats have slain a fucking titan
>The fuck?
>pull my fun stick out of demonette
>no seriously how the fuck did they do that shit?
>No...no its fine
>See that blueberry xenon are attacking my last worshipper on this backwater planet
>warp damn it
>I feel....Angry!
>like I need to face fuck a crazy corpse worshipper demonette
>shit, there is none hanging out it the warp
>spot demonette skiping by
>She sees me and my raging hard on
>bolts for it
>Lazzo her ass over with bared wire.
>nottodaynoteverwarpwhore.Principles sure
>shove her into a corpse emperor out fit and hog tie her
>Corpse emperor now your mine
>spank her ass with khornes chain axe
>oh right, I have got to give that back some day
>or maybe he can roll into my palace and hate fuck me for being a naughty bitch
>demonette cosplayer tries rolling away
>Get stuck on her back, presenting trembling hooha
>don't mind if I do corpse emperor
>Ram it right in her pursey
>Yeah! Who's birch are you corpse emperor! Who's !
>See I can fuck the lore too!
>*slomp*Slomp*Slomp*Slomp*Thowmp*THROWMP* THROWMP*THROWMP*
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Not Gonna Happen you warp slut.

Am I a heretic if I start feeling bad for these demonettes that Slaanesh is clearly abusing?
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Warp damn it Slaanesh. Its not like this thread already has been fucked enough or anything
>Be me
>Be Jackass Mortal
>Wake up
>I want to feel prideful of fucking a god in the ass for hours on end
>But since the God Emperor himself scolding for my actions, all I feel is guilt and regret for taking advantage of a whore who does desperately need rehab
>So I decided to take responsibility to turn this massive mega slut, into just a slut
>It’s a retarded decision and a impossible challenge
>But at this point fuck it
>Finds Slaanesh and put her in a tight straitjacket
>Ties her to couch with a bunch of balls & chains and lock it
>Puts key in my pocket
>Promise her that she’ll get to suck me off and hop on my dick all day as long as she be a good girl, acts like a lady, and completely go through the program I’ve set up for her
>Pulls up chair and whips out pen & notebook
>Initiate Therapist Jackass Mortal
So tell me Slaanesh, why do you love sex so much?

I really did not expect you to put down this much comrade anon, but seriously thanks for redoing what i got twisted mad about.
You wrote great, but now we should get back to ordinary green text.

>be hip shot guardsmen
>also hold hadio and listening to weird xeno music
>tau nearby is "dancing" with song
>plseantly surprised but still expecting to die
>tau bastard stops dancing and readies gun
>suddenly gay bastard is shot
>he falls down next to me bleeding through helmet
>can't understand his dying words
>give him radio
>he lies down with radio and doesn't move
>mfw I committed heresy on guardsmen codex
>mfw heresy doesn't seem bad
>mfw tear comes down
>codex can fucking it because tau died better than I will
>suddenly hit face with bottle
>grab bottle and find scumbag
>try to get up and successfully get on 2 shaky legs
>scumbag is vahallan troop
>odd helmet design
>he tells me pussy to get back in the fight
>not fucking yet
>drink as much as I can of the bottle
>throw back to scumbag
>shit been a while since I drank
>gonna need a priest later but I can take it
>pound chest and take shaky steps to trenches
>oh lord emperor
>grabbed and thrown into trench
>explosion happens where I first was
>look into trench and see war faces
>Shit I don't belong here
>see man after man get in or get out
>see brawl between 2men for no reason
>fucking decide to pull bolt pistol to settle fight
>hilt slam 1 guy and the other
>grab their attention and ask what's going on
>I can't understand but issue seems to be over missing gun
>I give my bolt pistol and it gets fucking snatched
>I don't even have a knife
>decide to look for new weapon
>sander in to some gathering
>guy with red coat and nearby vox looks important
>hear something about artillery coming
>vow operator has new orders from somewhere
>orders have come from another imperial source
>red coat man answers to get metal voice
>metal voice is Magos from earlier
>restates his plan I heard from earlier
>slight complication!??!?
>he placed tracker on guardsman' chest to guide heavy laser
>blinks orange when active
>oh wait
>gets pushed in front of red coat man
>everyone steps away like I have a grenade to save under me
>there is orange hue on trench wall
>oh shit
>Magos orders that the guardsman with this tracker has to make it to the SILVER BOI so legs can be shot
>artillery may help, but Xenos mech seems to be regenerating limbs from each blow
>joints may be strong weakness
>fucking plan is set
>red coat man looks at me and wrestles me to the ground
>he's trying to get my chest piece off
>stop him
>fucking cogheads' fault not mine
>troopers come from outside to say great orange laser just flew over us
>mfw bike could have solved my problem
Welp, looks like we hit the bump limit with no one returning, so I'll just go ahead and archive this for posterity and let it die peacefully.
Maybe someone has started new thread, but don't know if anyone did, but final post is at 310
fuck it new thread
sorry if you don't like the title



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