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/tg/ - Traditional Games

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>Be guardsmen
>stationed on some argiworld peasants that decided to revolt against the Imperium
>war should been over four years ago, but High command only sent one regiment thinking that rebels would be pussies
>turns out half of them were corrupted by Khorne and brought fallen Astartes with them >other half decided to join blue weeabus with pew pew plasma guns and battle suits.
>planet's fucked up solar cycle brings fuck cold winter every two years for nine months.
>freezing my off in some trench with what was left with of my platoon.
>the rest of the guys are now frozen puddles of blood or ice statues standing about the place
>Manage to stay warm by huddling around burning pile of heretics while we wait for our inevitable demise.
>No Reinforcements are coming
>turns out Imperium has gone to shit and being split in two.
>Not sure how we survived this long
>Private Makarov, a transfer from a Valhallan regiment, cracks open a bottle of alcohol from him home world and says that he knows some local demonette sluts just over the cultist trench
>Says it would better way to go than freezing to death
>most of our platoon agrees.
>I would take being raped to death with kinky sex than spent another week on this boring shit hole
>Platoon abandon our post and convince a Leman Russ tank crew to take us to Slaneeshy cultist's den.
>Tank driver is pretty cool guy, lets us use the speakers he souped onto his tank to blast out our favorite song "Fuck the Xenos" as we B line toward Cultist defenses.
>All of us are past the point of giving a shit so we just give those angry boys the finger as we drive by.
>As expected, bullets start flying everywhere and despite seeing some of my comrades explode into meaty chunks, the Tank is still holding
>turn back to see that this daring pursuit for kinky sex has inspired the rest of our regiment to go all out as well.
>Think is some balls to the wall final suicide charge for the emperor.

What have we done?
Be an hero
.....Not sure if heretics or not

See, now this, THIS is what the world of Warhammer 40k is actually like for the average Guardsman.
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the emperor works in mysterious ways, Gaurdsman. do you really think that Valhallan managed to save a single bottle of alcohol that survived the entire deployment?

you know what you must do, in the emperors name
Believe hard enough and convince your regiment int believing that you are living saint
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Warp spawn penis pussy isn't worth if bro. Die for the emperor instead, that is eternal glory
What? being fucking heretics?
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Real soldiers don't behave like your propaganda posters anon.
Recently off the army and can confirm that the majority of soldiers are massive retards whose only saving grace is that they weren't trying to kill me.
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>Is Inquisitor
>hears guardsmen not act like gaurdsmen
>can't wait to shoot me sum Heretics
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Should of joined the right side in first place
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>be tank driver
>Our detachment was supposed to deployed on some ork planet with actual fighting
>get rerouted to shitty farm planet
>signed up to get away from fucking home planet
>born in Agriworld
>Wanted to shoot disgusting xenos, end up just shooting dickheads into spikes and cutting themselves for fun
>And some fish fuckers that you can see, but you knew they are there cus they are shooting at you from miles away.
>Fucking sucks.
>this is nothing like they said it was gong to be
>Fucking starts snowing
>Only Tank battalion on planet, supply line is pretty much non existent so repairing our armor is a bitch
>General faggot tries not you use us often, since we are the only heavy duty shit around.
>months of just sitting on our asses
>Managed to soup up Leman russ with all the free time
>Bunch of guardsmen walk up to me and my crew
>Pretty sure the one in the fur hat is drinking piss
>Ask me if we can drive them to some orgy den
>say nah, its heresy or something shit
>tell me the freako party is being cultist trenches
>I'm listening
>after a long chat, decide to say fuck it and drive at the enemy with my new bros
>Finally get some real action, and might get some ass after
>Was excited at first
>but then this massive projectile pokes through the hull like it was toilet paper and turns my radio man into paste
>Guess this is what all those guys were talking about
Implying guardfags ever get laid...
Guardsmen have got to come from somewhere anon
>Be Guardsman
>Get fed up with the Imperium so I join a 'Pleasure Cult'
>It's fun at first, with all the booze and drugs I could want
>Cult Leader says we'll summon some qt3.14 daemonettes for fun
>Hot Titty demons arrive
>I get ready for some action but then 'she' suddenly whips out a dick
>'She' keeps raping me even though I ran away from the cult
Someone call an Inquisitor I can't keep getting assfucked by daemons
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Think is too far gone for you son
>be cultist
>things are pretty sweet
>don't ever have to spend 14 hours a day harvesting crops or shovel grok shut for a living
>fallen astartes are a bit pyscho, but good people
>taught us how to ram chainaxes into imperial fags faces
>really supportive too
>been really giving those guardfags a hard fight
>the brain dead servants of corpse emperor have forgotten to supply their meatshields with the proper equipment.
>Shat out a block of ice into a frozen commissar's corpse
>me and the boys laugh
>see random idiot run past screaming like a bitch while a demon demonette humps his ads with its thorny penis
>wish I hadn't seen that
>next thing you know, I hear guns shots coming from the foreard trenches
>see massive wave of guardians charging at our positions
>a lone tank is leading them
>the fuk?
I thought only bolter bitchers can become living saints
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>right side

> tfw will never pile degenerate skulls high and spill oceans of aids-riddled blood in the name of Khorne

Why live?
Honour, Martial prowess & Warfare.
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>be General Darrius Kragg
>put in charge of some backwater regiment ditched together from other depleted regiments
>get deployed on some backwater agriworld to deal with heretics
>top brass doesn't bother providing much supplies
>bet if we were bolster birches, we would be stacked with 5 times the ammunition than needed.
>after complaining for months, top brass sends tanks
>its one battalion
>fucking bullshit but whatever
>try to use them effectively, but can't afford to lose any since there is no way to get more
>winter comes around again, like we didn't already have enough problems
>morale is shit and most commissars have died because they thought the emperor's might would protect them from sub zero temperatures
>they freeze to death
>should of taken that inquisition job when I had the chance
>what's left of the regiment sits tight in their scrappy trenches and thin out after every heretic assault.
>so this is it then huh?
>suddenly this guardsmen rushes intomy cabin and says a lone tank is charging the enemy lines
>go out and see that its true
>they have broken through
>lets do this shit!
>order an all out assault on the heretic lines
>its now or never
>For the emperor!

The fuck did you call me scrub?

Nothing but a maelstrom of visceral savagery, kill, kill, kill and be killed in an orgy of blood, gore, and violence, then do it again, and again, and again ad infinitum forever and ever. Simplicity at its finest.
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The population of an agriworld is measured in the thousands, you lorelet. The whole planet is one big wheat field. It'd make for one tiny rebellion.

Keep posting boys, the different sides of the same stories are hilarious.
Agriworlds have cities on them though, not as big as hive worlds, but they can still have populations up in the 100 millions (which is small for the Imperium). some even have hive cities
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>Be Slaaneshie Demonette
>Spawned into the matrium to have a banging orgy
>spot this one qt gaurdsmen
>Chat him up and grind on him
>He is into it
>whip out my dick
>He freaks out and tries to run away
>Fuck no
>manage to catch up and stick it into
>Give it to him raw, but He won't stop running
>I hold on and keep on going, his ass is too good to call quits
>Run past a group of khorne worshipers
>Tell them to go fuck themselves as my steed runs past
>Almost about to nut
>Realize we are in the middle of a whole fucking army of guardsmen
>A fucking huge battle is going on
>Oh shit
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Immunity to disease, insane durability, sense of family & eternal happiness.

why does everyone forget the best chaos god?
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This whole thread only strengthens my resolve to purge the traitor, the mutant and the heretic.
>Eternal happiness
Not necessarily.
Calls Gaurdsman a scrub, is an incompetent commander...

Because most people don't want to end up like the faceless elderly Chinese lady in that one webm, and there's no greater sense of family than the brotherhood their share with humanity.

>*they share
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>Be Khornate Cultist
>Born on backwater agri-world
>Tried joining Imperial Guard but told me to go play in an airlock because I was “agri-world trash” & “physically unfit”
>Chaos invades planet
>Use this chance to show the Imp Guard how tough I really am & join up with Khornate cult
>Khorne clearly favours me cause I’m feeling stronger than ever and I love chillin with Berzerker bros
>Chilling in the trenches when some degenerate Slaaneshie cultists comes sprinting through our camp with a Demonette balls deep inside him
>bitch tells us to “go fuck ourselves”
>Me & Berzerker bros jump out of trench and sprint after the bitch
>Out of the other side of no man's land a hoard of servants of the False Emperor appear including 1 lone Leman Russ
>Clearly the tip of the spear of a major Imperial offensive
>the faceless elderly Chinese lady in that one webm
What webm?

It is not something you want to see anon, but if you're curious, ask /gif/ in a wrecked thread.
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>Be Lord commissar Lerch
>Was attached to inept guardsmen regiment along with a couple of junior commissars
>High command want me to tutor them on the field and this was an "easy" regiment to babysit
>arrive on agriworld which is actually more of a dumb since the heretics took over
>These gaurdfags are terrible!
>they can't even die properly!
>most die before from the weather before I can get to them
>Fight the urge to *blam* the idiot general on a daily basis
>Don't want to be put in charge of a bunch of retards
>He blames his short comings on the low amount of supplies coming in
>Half of the junior officers under me die
>Appreciate the enthusiasm, but ho can you be that fucking stupid?!
>End up stacking their coats on top of mine to keep warm
>spread out the rest of the junior commissars among the scraps of this shitty regiment
>hopefully they get some practice in before the heretics overrun our pathetic defenses
>Keep this one female Commissar as my assistant, rumors have it that she was getting to chummy with the cannon fodder
>gotta maintain a close eye on her
>Try to make her a proper commissar,but she is kind of a bimbo
>Was taking a nap in my tent when I heard retards screaming
>stroll out to see the Regiment actually doing their fucking job and charging the herectic's position
>Grab my coats and Junior commissar, go straight to the front to lead these idiots
>A Lone tank leads our advance
>finally slaughtering Heretics left and right with my las pistol and chainsword
>my buzz is immediately killed when some heretic comes running into the middle of our ranks crying like a wuss as some warp spawn filth has its way with him.
>Go to blam this degenerate display
>Hear psychotic cries for "Blood", see Khornate cultists coming straight for us
>Look back at the demonette raping the traitor gaurdsmen
Wait, aren't there tau on this planet?
Yes. But they probably won't do anything. they are pussies
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>be alcohol bottle from valhallan home planet
>was a gifted to some Valhallan soldier after they survived a ork invasion on some shitty ice planet
>Soldier and his platoon get transferred to new regiment
>they get deployed on some shitty crop planet
>Planet also turns out to be shitty ice planet every two years
>soldier plans on opening to celebrate new deployment and wish his comrades good luck
>dies first day on planet
>corpse is left in no man's land for almost four years
>Get chilled, melted then rechilled as I remain lost in dead man's greatcoat
>one day some other Valhallan soldier finds while scavenging around
>brings me to his shitty campsite
>Cracks me open
>Gulps half of my stuff down in one go
>has been fermenting out in no man's land for almost four years
>Idiot starts talking crazy, talks about getting laid with demonettes
>Idiot starts passing me around
>this can't me good
When a random vodka bottle has a more in depth back story than supreme leader snoke
>Be an Officer of the Imperial high command
>Receive urgent message from a general named Kragg
>Requests more troops and munitions
>Ask my subordinates to bring me information about the planet this General fag is stationed on
>find out it is some unimportant, obscure agriworld in the middle of but fuck no where
>Look at the state of the Imperium on a galactic holomap
>Tell my scribes to relay a message back to this idiot general
>tell them to give whatever bullshit explaining that "Fuck no"
>Realize that a ship carrying catachan jungle fighters is departing from near by port to go back to Catachan
>hold back a grin as I order it to be redirected to shitty agriworld planet
>can't wait to see those idiot's reaction when they get to that freezing shit hole
Demonettes have thorny penises? Pretty sure the lore never mentioned that
We have this type of thread already Why do we need another one?
Look in the catalog next time dude.
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y u do dis high command?
Makarov sounds like he would listen to hardbass
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>Be another Random guardsman
>stationed at the rear trench
>Don't see much action except for deserters and few cheeky cultists who think try to flank the front line of defense
>Things are bad but could be worse
>My platoon is a cluster fuck of gaurdsmen from other regiments
>Cadian, Vostroyan, Mordian and steel legion
>Even have one guy from a penal battalion
>All of the Tallarn transfers died the previous winter
>it was awkward at first, but now we get along
>Other than trying to survive, we sit around and take the piss out of things
>Then some Lord commissar faggot assigns this junior scrub to watch over us
>Chick was total bitch
>shot our Penal conscript friend when he went to get us some grub
>said he was trying to run away and was a traitor
>Yeah right, whatever bitch
>Things are no longer chill, crazy commissar bitch want us to sneak into heretic trenches and sabotage their operations or some shit
>bitch do we look like Catachan fucks to you?
>One night, she forces me, the Vostroyan and two poor cadians cunts on an infiltration mission
>somehow manage to get int cultist trench
>immediately lose the commissar bitch, disappeared into thin air
>Welp...not our problem
>stumble onto heretic campfire
>turns out they are pretty chill, Little freaky with their bondage gear yeah, but really relaxed
>they tell us to stay, offer us a Warp dust pipe
>Take a hit
>It is the real shit...I can't feel my face
>Loose track of time, end up hang out with the chill cultist
>Even the commissar bitch turns up, she is chill now too, and pink for some reason
>Take anther hit
>Woah man, think I'm gonna...
>Pass out
>Wake up next morning, numb as shit
>not sure if it is the frost bite or a hang over from warp dust
>Everyone is still passed out, Commissar bitch half naked and sandwiched between my two Cadian bros
>never knew she had a tail
>....wait a minute
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Do gaurdsmen actually fuck around this much?
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Fucking heretics...the lot of you!
Thats a nice thread
bullshit story, you don't chill with zerkers.

Anon, it's an ice-world, he was literally chilling in the trenches.
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>He freaks out and tries to run away
Pussy. I'd suck your deamonic cock anyday
It's reasonable to assume they fuck around at least as much as today's army grunts have for the last century. So at least to the point of trying to bring back an enemy tank as a souvenir.
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>Be Private Makarov
>Once served in glorious Valhallan regiment
>Most killed by Greenskin, so I put in new one
>new travarshe are weak, but good soldat
>winter come again, it not problem for Mne, coat made for this weather
>Have to help travarshe deal with cold
>they pussies when come to zima
>crawl into the land of no one, drag dead heretic Suki back to trench
>find drink from homeland in fallen travarsh's coat
>I take
>Make good big koster for Travarshe and open bottle, take quick sip
>AH horoshoi! Strong like how dadushka liked it
>share with drink from homeland with Travarshe, they enjoy
>Only thing missing is good Suki for each of us
>Damskiy voice talk in head, tell Marakov suki are in secret dacha over cultist trenches
>say good trahat is waiting of us there
>Tell Travarshe of good new, they agree
>Find travaish tankist to take us
>play hardbass pesnya "fuck the xenos" as we go, I finish bottle of drink
>Ahhh! Horoshoi, still has kick
>Dermo! world blurry now, not good time too, the fighting starts
>many Travarsh dying.
>See melinke trus run back to base, pink woman is riding on back, Khorne suki follow them
>Fucking Pussy, mne show you how it done Soldat
>Blyad las gun, I take bayonet. remember technique dadushka teach mne.
>I use my bayonet for these suki
>No balance...but Mne will do
>Back flip off tanke and scream "DLYA BOGDA TSAR!" a throw bayonet
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The fuck did I just read?
Ah ok. I just thought they only got thrown into meat grinders and didn't live long enough to mess around
>be las gun bayonet
>gets pulled out
>Bayonet charge fuck yeah lets do this!
>Valhallan wanker tosses las gun off tank
>back flips off tank
>Tosses me like dart at screaming Khorne beserker assholes
>Valhallan asswipe face plants into the mud while I get jabbed into beserker's left eye
>The FUCK?!

Why do the inanimate objects have a point of view?
>>63475400 (OP)

>Be me, bluie rebel
>Have to go deliver message to the boss or something again
>Blah blah I’m on a power trip listen to me
>Thought we rebelled over this shit
>Hitch ride on supply Arvus
>Look down
>The fuck is going on
>Emperor-damned opressors charging
>Some of those crazy guys also charging their own lines
>Suddenly winged thing kicks through winshield, eats pilots
>No grav chutes
>Oh shit.vox
>Bail out the back
>Black out upon impact
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>Be Demonette
>got summoned into the matrium some poor excuse of an orgy
>leave because it is lame as shit, half of these cultists are talentless virigns
>Go for a stroll around the place
>find This crazy corpse worshiper btich sneaking around khornate trenches
>tackle her to the ground and give it to her hard
>Lady passes out from shock after two hours
>ah well. I take her uniform, looks sexier on me anyways
>Continue my stroll
>stumble onto a small bonfire gathering of fellow worshipers of the perfect prince
>Make my self comfortable, enjoy a bit of war dust
>some of the fleshy mortals seem to they recognize me for some reason
>whatever, things pick up pretty quickly and find myself double teamed by two cultists wearing corpse worshiper uniforms
>All my holes get drilled until we all fall asleep from exhaustion
>Wake up with a massive head ache, but I an't complaining.
>Still wedged in between the two cultists.
>Wiggle free and stretch my legs...I took quite a pounding
>Decide to peak over the trench top
>corpse worshipers are engaging the Khorne worshipers
>Hear this massive explosion and look up, see this ship come barreling down from the sky. >Crashes spectacularly
>Notice that some fleshy mortals leaped out at the last second
>Survivors huh?
>Never tried fresh survive before
Hope those boys used condoms. Because who knows where that demon slut has been
aren't STDs nurgles department tho?
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>Be me, shuttle crash survivor
>Wake up
>Head ringing, nose broken, fancy fishhead tech says I just cracked a few ribs and dislocated my knee
>See some horrible parody of a commissar stalk out of the nearby trench
>Emperor’s bowels.vox
> Grab Vera, er, my carbine
>The Imperium’s gone mad, it seems
>The Tau Empire must know!
>Start sprinting
>Tumble facefirst into ditch
Why is everyone retarded or fucked up in this thread?
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You really think that's gonna stop me boi?
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well... ray isnt wrong here.
>be catachan jungles daughter
>just saved another Cadian campaign from going to shit and now we are shipping home
>how I miss that death infested shithole
>me and the boys down a full night of drinks before boarding the transport ships to caravan
>in goodish spirits
>fall asleep in crowed hanger bay using my buddy's leg as a pillow as we jump into the warp
>wake up as we pull out of the immaterium.
>that was quick, finally Hon-
>loud speakers tell us we are about to be deployed on some rebelling agriworld
>I guess going home will have to wait, its no big deal
>take drop ships to planet's surface
>fucking snap when we see that the ground is covered in snow
>those mother fuckers
Best thread on /tg/ right now.
the warp works in mysterious ways
What the fuck?
Just as planned
Tzeentch is number 1
It's a mixed bag of trying to come up with something more creative then dying a horrible death (which is the fate of like 99.9% of people in the Warhammer universe) and people making up stories without actually knowing anything about Warhammer 40k.
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>Be Leman Russ tank
>tank crew doesn't really take care of me
>Only feed me half fuel to conserve supply
>The are no techpriest around so I am pretty fucked
>luckily, we don;t get used much.
>Only clean up scraps of corrupted fleshies and the occasional rebel tractor
>nothing too serious
>Another Cold day rolls in, nothing much is happening
>a group of guardsmen squishies approach my crew
>they agree on something
>Suddenly crew feeds me fuel
>Finally have a full belly after so many months
>feels good bro
>Rev my engines and take off
>wonder where we are going
>We start going straight towards the corrupted fleshy's trenches
>Ummmmhey, what are you guys doing? thats the enemy lines, I don;t have my brothers with me
>you can't seriously be
>I don't like this anymore guys

Everyone wants to use the tank, but no one ever ask "HOW" is the tank...

I cried
>be brothirster
>just back from kick-axe party with slaaneshi party cultist
>now they're just parts cultists.
>that keeper of sleeprets is pretty cool for a filthy degenerate.
>Khorne thinks hes a bad influence on me but fuck you dad i do what i want.
>also love get crunk on blood skulls for the skull throne but blood is for me.
>starting to get thristy again better check on cultists
>slaaneshi shithead in need of new axeholes, chilled blood for chugging
.....the fuck?
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bitch please.
>Be other other guardsman
>Been stationed on the argiworld Timbuktu in the middle of but fuck no where sector.
>Medic by training, would have died dragging body's back but our crazy fucking commissar shot anyone that got hit for "treacherous incompetence".
>he froze to death last winter before command completely broke down. Made a nice statue for our bunker though, had to bury him when the thaw hit but the men dug him back up this winter.
>I think they miss him too.
>Stationed with a bunch of men from other regiments, nothing to exiting just a bunch of backwater troops like me. well except for the Krieger
>His detachment died out during the second summer, turns out constantly charging tau emplacements without any armored support isn't the best plan.
>The general eventually realized they were taking 80% casualty's in peacetime and transferred them over to the heretic front
>its been 3 years sense then and we still haven't advanced.
>Its broken the poor bastard, now he can barely summon the energy to shoot at the slaaneshi demons that visit the neighboring bunker every night.
>Be siting on guard duty right now, freezing my balls off and listening to the noise marine music from the heretic trench
>I preferred their earlier stuff but whatever
>See the guys to the right of us run out of their trench.
>Look to the front and see a lone Leman leading a spearhead
>oh shit we finally got reinforced.
>Run back in past the commissar pop ringing the artillery bell to get everyone up and ready to go.
>The Krieger is sitting against the wall looking at me
>go over to him
>"we're moving up, its finally happening"
>a single tear falls out of his gasmask's cracked lens
>Its a Sanguinala day miracle.
>be bro-thirster
>can total help you out with that thirst tank bro
>blood is best fuel
>just drink for me and you'll never need those non-binary priests again.

ment for


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>Be Junior Commissar Svenja Ullric
>graduated at the the top of my class and I get dumped with a bunch of idiots who don't know a single thing about being a real commissar
>arrive at bckwater agriworld called Titbuktu or some shit and put under the command of one obnoxious lord commissar
>turns out he was to be our final mentor before we become fully pledged commissars
>this regiment is disorganized as shit and in tatters by hey! It seems like it is going to be easy
>don't even have to waste precious las pistol charges since the blizzards and sub zero temperatures kill most of the soldiers anyway
>Start getting friendly with some of the platoons to try and keep up morale since everyone is already miserable and wants to get shot by me
>Plus it is an excellent way to stay warm
>Lord commissar dick appoints me as his assistant after he walked in on me get spit roasted by this hunk of a Vostroyan guardsmen and a Elysian Drop trooper who had the stamina of a horny grok.
>Spent most day following this jackass around and trying to follow his example
>I drown out half the shit he says to be honest
>Oh shit what is that?!
>A single tank is trying to take on the cultist alone?
>Commissar Jackarse almost creams himself and orders a charge
>Lead the army of gaurdsmen towards the enemy trenches, Lord fuckface wailing about some bullshit about the emperor
>Caught completely off guard by the sight of a crying traitor guardsmen running past with a demonette raping his ass....then some Valhallan idiot back flipping off a tank and face planting into the mud
>Next thing you know a drop ship comes crashing near by
>see that there is survivors....notice this Horny Pink warp spawn walking towards them
>....oh no you don't
>I Prepare my chain sword and run straight at the bitch
Not suresure why....but I like this commissar
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>Be Travarish Makarov
>Dermo, mne not remember what is happening, see nothing
>just temnota, no sound.
>Shto eta? another voice? Privet! Kak vash?
>Golos tell me to get up, we must fight for the glorious Bogda Tsar
>sound like...babushka?
>Mne push self up, pull face out of gryazi.
>Blyat! khorne Suki all over place...no bayonet...golova hurt much
>find mne las vintovka near by...crawl and get it
>Golos speak again, say "Kill all cultist suki"
>Da Babushka!
>Las vintovka primed and ready
>give luchshiy warcry for bogda Tsar
Meat-grinder campaigns and meaningless final stands are more interesting and more in line with the "GRIM DARKNESS OF THE FUTURE" marketing than stories about all the billions of conscripts and/or volunteers that complete their tour of duty and retire back to their homeworlds.
Being a guardsman is simultaneously worse and better than you can imagine, it all depends on who's leading your regiment and where your regiment is shipped to.
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what the hell is going on in this thread?!

It is a giant slap fight between a shitty imperial gaurd regiment and farmer cultists. Meanwhile the rest of the galaxy doesn't seem to give a shit...

You dont keep fermenting after you've been bottled you lying faggot.

t. Jug of mead.
>mead heretics thinking they know anything about the Valhallan master race
I see that there is truly nothing new under the emperors sun
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>Be slaanesh
>minding own business
>hear someone say "lying faggot"
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What in the warp is wrong with you people?
Sir you still just shot the rock next to him, we haven't unfroze you yet.
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>Be captain of Imperial Transport ship
>kind of bummed that We have to stop by Catachan to drop some guardfags back home
>I hate visiting Catachan,weird bugs and shit always crawl aboard
>Takes weeks to find them clean them out
>Find out we are going to be carrying a whole regiment of these crazy motherfuckers
>fucking just got the hanger bay mopped clean too
>maybe I can drop them off on some nice ice planet....jungle loving dickheads
>load up the Catachan wankers, roll my eyes as they measure each others knives and muscles
>while preparing for departure, receive emergency communication from direct from the high command
>New orders are to drop off Catachan fitbros to some agriworld to help kill rebellion
>Not to far away
>Feel excited as we plunge into the warp
>Luckily we are only in their for a few hours before popping over the planet.
>Feel my balls heat up as I get a bioscan of planet.
>its a fucking ice shit hole....
>Savoir every syllable as I tell the jungle guardfags the change of orders over the vox speakers.
>giggle like an idiot as I see the drop ships descend onto the planet and come back empty
>My Vox communicator starts going crazy, Catachan morons are yelling me, tell me it that this drop off was a mistake.
>pretend that communicator is broken and launch back into the warp
Kek you such a dick captain
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>be Demonette commissar
>Start stalking over to qt survivor lady, Dicks throbbing like crazy
>looks like she had a couple of shattered bones, is limping
>She sees me coming for her and tries running away.
>She face plants into mud a few feet away
>lick my lips and crawl over
>"Fleeing the battlefield like a coward is punishable by death corpse worshiper!"
>Not sure why I yelled that...but I like a little roleplay so it all good
>About to seal the deal
>Then this crazy bitch with a chainsaw just decks me from outta no where
>Almost cuts me in half, the fuck is wrong with her?
>Realize she is the real deal corpse worshiper
>same uniform and everything....only now trying to kill me instead of being my bitch
>Bleeding all over the place, organs it didn't even know I had just flops right out me onto the mud
>Fucking hell, now she is swing at me again
>What is your problem bitch?!
>be imperial citizen
>take vacation to catachan
>expect cute felinid lolis instead get jungle shithole
>fuckme with a spiky egg laying vine
>somehow survive above
>get recruited by local homo guard regiment as a reward.
>all muscles and knife measuring pretty sure they enjoy get raped by the plant life.
>its too fucking humid for this shit.
>get ordered offworld praise the emperor
>for some reason they assbandits are ok leaving there deathrape forest
>find out were going to some agri world thats having a rebellion
>better not be those fucking vegetarians again.
>take dropship to surface its fucking frozen
>wtf kind of argi world has a winter fucking assbackwards administratum shithead fuck.
>also apparently no winter gear available fanfucking tastic
>on the brightside no rape tentacles
>order just came in apparently some dipshits shot there load early and now we need to get to the front to support the breakthrough.
>apparently spoke too soon is a chaos
rebellions demons literally ass raping guardsmen
>no wonder these prancinghomofeefee jungle fighterfucks were so eager to get here.

>also ragetards are here can almost sympathise
>Be random Catachan grunt
>Never felt fear before, but...what the fuck is this?
>my sweat is freezing into ice
>Where the fuck is the jungle? Where the fuck are the ass pounding sentient vines?
>Get angry and try to stab the ground to show the planet who is boss.
>fucking thing just dips into the white stuff....shits like some sort of powder
>I'm freaking out man
>Sargent Lengs walks over to be, ice just cracks of his body
>He asks me what the fuck we are doing here
>Finally a local vox signal calls in, tell us that were need to back some wimps attempting a charge on cultist trenches
>We got this....We're Catachan for emperors sake
>my platoon start waddling over towards the battle.
>White powder swallows us up to the waist.
>Seriously what is this shit?!
Commissars can't have sex. Can they?
they can but only with strap on's.
yes even the male ones.
They can...she currently fucking that demonette with a chainsaw

I think we can all agree that the imperial guard would be a much deadlier force if most of them were like Private Makarov
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>be Timbuktu
>once a quiet agriworld
>provided heaps of crops to neighboring systems
>Locals rebel
>Imperium can;t be fucked so the send a crappy disorganised regiment to sort this shit out
>Forget about me for four years
>Call me backwater and shitty just because I turn into an ice planet for nine months
>wish I had necrons buried in me to teach these fucks a lesson
>Remember they colonized the the argiworld two solar systems away instead of
>wants to cry
>who the fuck names a planet Timbuktu?!
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What the fuck is this thread?!
Please tell me that this cannon
>be eldad
>Lead the army of gaurdsmen towards the enemy trenches, Lord fuckface wailing about some bullshit about the emperor
>Some bullshit about the emperor

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>Be Original Demonette
>Still taking this poor guardsmen to pound town
>And I can tell you...I'm on the express
>Because this an't stopping until I fuck this fleshy mortal back to the warp
>for some reason, the other guardsmen are just ignoring me, guess they are more focused on Khorne ragetards to worry about me
>and I am not hurting anyone
>except for this plump muffin
>see dead khorne beserker with bayonet stuck in his eye
>mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmhmmmm yes!
>Pull the dagger out and stab it back in
>Now we can finally get this kink fest really started!

nah agri world fertilizer is a blessing of the emperor don't be so closed minded the GE message takes as many forms as world in the imperium
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.....there is a great heresy in this thread
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>Be Sly Marbo
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Can anyone join in this train wreck of a thread?
>be khornate buttzerker
>seem daemonwhore fucking the bleeding anus of some guardsmen
>that blood should be claimed for khorne
>drop pants
>takes a few tugs to get my chainsword reving
>fuck you its cold out.
>going to fuck split the whorette in half on my way to that tight loyalist anus.

yes. join. us.
>be heretic cult leader
>ok just an apprentice but still
>the war on Timbuktu is going great
>The Blood god's forces and the princes harem have learned to work together through the power of mutual hate fucking.
>well that and the freezing fucking cold
>With everything set to wrap up here the magistrate picked me to keep our unholy crusade going.
>he's made contact with a small sect on the other agriworld in this sadly un-hell blasted sector. Eldad.
>Fucking rouge traders.
>as i take off from orbit i see the first imperial transport ship in years fly in
>well at least ill be safe and off planet
>ask the captain to fly closer so we can scan them
>fucker just screams FOR THE DARK GODS before flying in
>i swear if he wasn't our best flyer we'd let the demonette's use him as a condom agian.
>they just seem to be unloading infantry for the moment, really shiny though.
>ahh crap maybe they're Janissaries
>oh its just some Catachans
>those poor bastards
Why all this hate for the Catachan?
>be Mordian gaurdsmen
>wake up after banging bonfire party
>see that the rest of the guys are in a panic
>got my duck sucked by a commissar so I am in a good mood
>ask the cadian bros what is wrong
>turns out there is a massive trenchbrawl going on
>peak over trench to have a look
>see pink commissar from last night getting her guts ripped out by another comissar's chainsword
>eye land on demonette assfucking a crying gaurdmen
>hold back vomit when I see this khorne beserker slice the rapist demonette with his chainsaws...then the gaurdsmen...in a single stroke
>I think my good mood is gone now
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Emperor forgive us
Assuming it's exactly like the last 10 threads we've had exactly like this I'd say yeah probably
>be Guardsman
>campaign has gone to all fuck, Commissars's dead, Captains dead, General hasn't contacted anyone in months and we're almost out of rations. On an agriworld.
>sweet emperor
>Most of my unit is dead, there's just me, a half dead private and a Catachan we picked up along the way
>he's the worst thing in this hell hole
>every fucking morning, Every single fucking morning he wakes us up at 5 AM doing pull ups out on deadmans land screaming something about unfortunate children or whatever.
>never fucking puts on a shirt but he still isnt dead somehow.
>constantly trying to compare "knifes" with me
>fucking fag
>its not all bad though, ive been meeting up with a 2cute4the-emperor cultist girl from the other trench.
>the cocaine covered strap on was a hard sell, but i finally agreed to swap sides.
>beats listening to Mr. muscles for another month.
>Plan is for us to sneak away an hour into my 3rd guard shift.
>20 minutes in
>hear someone scream
>pop my head out into no mans land.
>the 2cute cultist is bleeding out on the ground, looks like the fucker got her from behind.
>"hey bra, I was just doing my glutes, out jogging, when i found this traitor chick sneaking around, crazy right?"
>"shows her... anyway ill let you get back to spotting bra, im almost done for tonight"
>he jogs back inside still coated in cultist blood
>I hear from behind me.
>"yo bro, we ever checked knifes before? cause we totally should dog."
>fucking Catachans
>fuck my life
Pretty sure this thread is just smut
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guess it does cum off like that doesn't it?
Do any of you rollplaying idiots know how to spell, or is that to hard?
you try typing on this vox caster with 3 fingers gone from frostbite and another 2 gone from normal bite.
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>be Albanese
>Not sure about spelling....but I know what is hard
Your face seems to be doing just fine you whiny guardsman, now do better or your rape bait.
>now do better or your rape bait.
>after that post
truly the emperor has blessed this day
Is it too late to join slaanesh? Cuz damn.
that's actually rather modestly sized
she((he)she) is a grower
>be keeper of sleeprets
>always the boobs and dicks
>there are plenty of other things to fall for.
>but no just boobs and dicks
>half a mind to spawn this chuckle fuck into some boobless dickless abomination
enlighten us oh wise master, of the finer fetishes in un-life
>have you tried eating your own hands? thats always a classic
>or having your hand eat you?
>anything is possible with slaanesh it doesn't have to always be about sex.
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>Be Slaanesh
>spot my favorite fucktoy Keeper of sleeprets
>struts over
>Gets excited
>"Listen...I really need you to shove this Corpse worshipper's power glaive into me!"
>Hands them Glaive, before behind over
>"Also can you Pull the pins on these grandes before ramming them into my asshole....no need to be gently...just donkey punch them right in there....I can take it."
>rolls rusty grenades to Keeper
>drools, licking lips eagerly
>"...Really hate to do this to sweetfuck, but can you also strangle me with this bone razor wire I stole from my....DOMINATING...HATE FILLED BROTHER!"
>Think I just came a little thinking about it
>".....yeah, just choke me with it, I want to feel the blades violate my skin! On top of that"
>readies a small paino
>"I am going to perfectly play a nine hour concerto on this piano...the moment I miss a key, I must start over.....and you must make me dance before doing so!
>"Ready?! CHOKE ME DADDY!"
Meanwhile....in the warp
>be keeper of sleeprets
>going to have so many nightmare after this, so its not all bad.
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>Be Travarish Makarov
>Killing heretic suki with trustful las vintovka, Mne shoot all who look like traitor suka
>This one chertov idiot come at makarov with blood axe
>Otvali suka!
>shoot many beam into face. Adeen, dva, trechetyre
>dvadtsat, dvadstsat odin....DVADTSAT DVA UBLYUDOK!
>traitor have face no more, his body fall to floor, Horoshoi
>Low on ammunition, nyet horoshoi
>Look for mne bayonet
>Proklyatye! slaanesh demonette suka use to rape dead khorne suka in face with it, also she fuck weak pussy soldat in ass
>tsar sokhrani nas...pajalusta
>Travarish of dead khorne suka come and make half of demoneete and pussy soldat
>It like old stories Dadushka tell mne a brat when little
>it help us become otlichno soldat
>blood splat everywhere, dermo!
>Mne roll and take back bayonet.
>see Khorne suki trying to run away
>chertovski trusy
>I Chase down and get them with bayonet
>one fall, Mne show him the might of bogda Tsar a Valhallan Soldat!
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>slaanesh doesn't always have to be about sex

Press X to...

>Be me, probably going to die horribly here
>See other commissar, considering hastening said horrible death
>See commissar bitchfight
>Attempt to grab Vera
>Arm also broken now, apparently
>Reconsider suicide, reach for trusty Civitas laspistol
>Pinned under my other arm, can’t move because of all the other broken bones
>I think this is how you get gangrene
>Fuck me
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>be Ratling sniper
>got attached to this regiment by accident
>some Administarum idiots put me down as a regular guardsmen in the records, so when my squad were transferred to anther front, I was left behind
>Imperium long legs are surprisingly anal about sticking to the book
>It is kind of obvious I am not a guardsmen you dickheads!
>anyway, stuck on this shithole of a planet with the rest of the long legs
>Its as cold shit too
>I hate wearing shoes, but out here you've gotta have them on
>it an't a guarantee either, one poor idiot had his leg freeze into his boot, ended up cutting them both off.
>spend most of the time in some scrap watch tower looking over no mans land
>Long hours, but at least you get to have a lot of fun
>Get to plug a slug through a cultist head while he takes a shit a mile away.
>I like to keep them on their toes, so I occasionally pop one off to the warp with a tug of my finger
>Today however, everything has gone to absolute shit
>Just a mass cluster fuck of people all over no man's land,Long legs, cultist and horny demonettes scrapping with one another.
>Las beams, bolt bullets, heavy stubbers zipping everywhere
>Oh an guts, shit loads of that being tossed around thanks to the chainaxes of those khorne beserkers
>Shrug and whip out my rifle, scan for potential targets
>Spot two commissars in a viscous one on brawl.The one with normal pale skin is covered in blood as takes the pink skinned commissar to realm of pain. This poor long leg woman is squirming for her life near by
>Light one of the cigar's I made from imperial guard cafeteria scraps.
>Notices another slaaneshie demon sneaking up on the airship crash survive.
>Pale skin commissar it to occupied to notice
>fuck it...
>take a long drag of my cigar and ready the shot.
>warp spawn wiggles out it's deformed spiral penis
>pull the trigger
>Sit back and take another drag of cigar
>job done
>be guardsman on Timbuktu
>blueberry front
>the fish heads cant fight in the cold, but their drones can
>the drone cant advance on their own mind and we'd be at a disadvantage either way. so the war grinds to a halt ever cold snap
>currently sitting around playing the same hand of trans-Utopian ultra poker that i've played for 5 months with the exact same people.
>suddenly a medic trolley runs by
>turns out a guardsmen taking a piss break accidentally triggered an abandoned tau drone
>we have to listen to him scream for hours before the commissar finally took him out
>wish i could be on the rebel front
>they probably don't have to put up with this shit
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>Be Catachan Grunt
>No sure how it is possible, but we have lost half of our platoon
>they just turned blue and sunk into the white powder
>Sergeant Leng's right arm is covered in black skin patches, they keep on growing too
>Ah Shit, now the heavy gunner guy has dropped down dead
>the only bro not having problems was promethium thrower guy
>kept him self warm by shooting spurts of fire in the air ever now and then
>what is left of our platoon finally stumble into something that vague resembles a guardsmen base
>Turns out it is pretty abandoned
>Seriously where the fucked did everyone go?
>Help carry Sergeant Leng to any tent that looked like a medical bay
>Pray to the emperor that there is at least one adepta sororita hospitaller stationed on this freezing asswipe of a planet
>shove our way into some medical emergency tent
>Wounded guardsmen are all over the fucking place, groaning and crying like little wussies.
>A lot of them didn't even have beds or stretchers, so some idiot just left them on their ground with rotting bandags.
>Petty sure that guy who is stuck like he fell off an assault hunched on the floor is death.
>Prod the fucker to see if he is still breathing
>Nope, he is frozen solid
>This is just prefect
>first they ditch us on this backwater solar system, now they expect us to fucking freeze to death
>Nah BRA
>We're Catachan...we can survive-
>See a blur scurry through the infirmary tent into the next one
>The fuck?
>go to investigate
>Walk into next tent, It is the exact same shit show as the first one...only more crowded
>Hear some injured wuss whimper
>The FUCK?!
>This Crazy Demonette is humping him, trying to get him ready to deposit in her heretcial being!
>Ah hell nah!
>Pull the pin back on my las gun and start firing
>Demonette is a nimble little shit and runs out
>Try following but Warp spawn has disappeared into thin air
>Fucking hate this planet
>Be Brother Numetor Callius
>taking care of my equipment whilst the battle fleet is powering to make another warp jump
>The worthless enginseer whom I keep breaking their mechanical limbs for shit and giggles alarms the main deck about some iregullarities on a backwater planetary system
>Librarian Is giggiling about some regulars not capable of handling a singular third rate demon or some shit
>Chapter Master finally tells me I have to go there to check If things are alright after they detected a fragment of a voxcommunication sent from a Leman Russ that only included gunshots and screaming normals
>Believe that the chapter master is getting back at me for caving some chapter serf's skull whilst he was still holding wine or something
>Take my bolter from a servitor
>See that my holy weapon is damaged
>break the servitor's nape
>oh wait that dent was already there before
>oh well
>As the drop pod Is about to be launched ,a transport ship loaded with those tank top retards hurls down
>They look ultra pissed,for normals, of course
>Chapter Master tells our squad with a stoic face that our implication is no longer necessary
The imperials really fucking hate this planet don't they?
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definitely heretics
>get caught and inspire fanatical charge on the arch-enemy
in death there is redemption
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Yes. It is filled with nothing but degenerates, pussy ass flashlight guys and enough kinky slaaneshie porn tier garbage that I hope everyone on it meets a terrible and gruesome end...or at least purged.....with a whole exterminatus after the horrid offensive display they have forced upon my theoretical eyes.
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We have such sights to show you
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It has happened before.
It will happen again.
I don't get it anon...
Cadia....fuck yeah

Sniff sniff. Never forget
>Be Junior Commissar Sveja Ullric
>Having the time of my life as I assault this Demonette bitch with my chainsword
>Drive my roaring blade through her chest and crush the trigger, unleashing the full force of my weapon
>Grin like a moron as I watch the demonette get ripped into gunky pieces before my eyes
>The novelty quickly wore off as soon as like chunck starts flicking onto my face
>Think a piece managed to get into my mouth
>Yank my chainsword free and hp back onto my feet
>take a deep breath
>so this is what it feels really like
>Get odd tingling sensation, can't help put smile
>Pat down m uniform and walk over to the dropship crash survivor
>"Hey there! You took quite a fall trooper, how are you holding u-"
>go to offer my hand to help her up, then Realize she is wearing Blue xeno armour
>hold on
>HERETIC!....and a traitor
>Oh shit, now I am sound like Commissar fuck face.
>All that effort for nothing then? Shit....
>Put out my las pistol and prepare to cap one through her skull
>hear Commissar fuck face scream like a child
>Turn to see that Commissar Dickhead has gotten himself surrounded by Khorne cultists...they are beating the shit out of him
>most of the guardsmen don't want to help, act like they are trying to make a poor excuse of a firing line.
>Can't say that I blame them.
>Tell the Xeno lover that I will be back for her and start up my chainsword again
>the Second time will be cleaner than the first right?
Are you referencing who I think your referencing anon?

>Be me, mostly paralyzed and dying person
>Manage to get off my working arm, grab my lastpistol
>All thats left of the power pack is whatever's leaking from the pack well
>Not sure thats from the pack, actually
>Meanwhile I till can't move my legs, my right arm, or sit up
>Guess I'll just lie here
Who? Who is it?
>be orphan on hive deathworld.
>taken in by Ecclesiarchal Schola Progenium praise the Emperor
>work hard to be proper faithful servant of the Glorious God Emperor of Mankind
>actually learn how to read holyshit now qualified to be priest
>elder priest generously lets me take his place to do missionary work
>sent to underhive deathzone to preach the emperors word to the gangers and mutants.
>for some reason this involve a trip to orbit and into the warp..
>I do not question the Emperors perfect Administratum for He does not make mistakes and neither do his most humble servants
>arrive at agri Timbuktu world. apparently this agri world is quiet a bit colder then home probably due to the lack of insulating toxic smog and heat from the factories.
>drop ship takes me down to local convent of Adepta Sororitas convent order of the Transangelic Raptourous Adepts of the Throne.
>or something like that.
>there are alot of wordy orders of sororitas.
>pilot tell me you can see the convent from orbit
>well the huge black smoke clouds from the at least.
>Praise the Emperor once we get below the smog you can see the glowing fires of faith that dot and surround the convent ground.
>despite being winter convent is pleasantly yard is pleasantly warm praise the Emperor and holy promethium
>given roasted marshmallows and hot chocolate by sisters at landing pad.
>it is good to be priest.
>but not all was right on timbuktu some crisis of faith or such
>ask why aren't the sister doing anything about that
>oh this order's primary duty is to protect the relics of a shrine on this world
>apparently the the primary rebellion is slaaneshi based and the Canoness figures the numbing cold will do more good then fire in this case.
>admittedly it is cold as balls outside.
>also the guardsmen kept trying to steal the holy promethium when ever they went out
>they need that shit for marshmallows and hot chocolate and keeping the convent ground properly heated
>it is very good hot chocolate.
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>be General Darrius Kragg
>watch as the wave of guardsmen slowly move forward and begin to take ground
>About time these scrubs do something
>why couldn't those tank assholes does that three years go during the first winter?
>Might have to give them an ass whooping after I hand out the proper medals
>Order my subordinate to make a direct link of communication to the high command
>I bet the would want progress report
>Stare at battle raging ahead of me, try to act focus so I can delay talk to the Catachan commander fag that just arrived
>Luck for me he is focused on keeping him bare arm muscles flexing
>Might freeze to death if he didn't
>Alright, time for the kill
>turn to salute the Catachan muscle bro, discuss the current situation we find our selves in
>Hold back my laughter at lines of sweat icicles forming under the Catachan commander's arm pit.
>Only listens to half of what I said and waves me off
>Tells me that he and "his boys" will get rid of the herectic for us.
>says that no one knows the instinct for survival and tracking through the wilderness like the Catachan
>hold my breath, hoping it is some kind of joke
>he is dead serious
>Ok....if you say so...wanker
>Catachan commander bro doesn't wait for me to dismiss him
>He just leaps onto the floor and army crawls away through the snow
>Why does this planet have a strong magnetism to morons?
>Sub-officer returns with Vox com hologram
>right..lets get this over with
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Didn't that one general guy get his head blown off by a Baneblade?

Still hurts man
Top ten betrayals in anime
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>Be Vostroyan Firstborn
>stationed in trenches against those weird blue fish xenos
>Idiot general thought we would be perfect for this side of the front.
>Vostroyan rifles are know for their high quality and longer range than pathetic regular Las gun
>How I feel for my comrades who will never know the joy of owning their custom Las gun or feel the tenderness of a wooden rifle stock
>Idiot general fails to understand that Blue xeno guns still have a greater range than common imperial weapons
>Idiot general still sent us in without tank support.
>Vostroyans used to make up a large part of this regiment....but not anymore
>fucking sucks comrade
>Second winter is in full swing and I get stuck with patrolling duty again
>I do the rounds and run into all the platoons trying to stay warm
>one squad of Praetorian guardsmen managed to still some Promethium from a near by Adepta sorrorita's convent.
>Stay to chat for a while, warm myself up a bit before continuing with my patrol
>stumble onto tragic scene
>a comrade who had accidentally triggered fish xeno drone lay screaming on the floor
>turns out he has been screaming for four hours
>how can comrades let another comrade suffer like this?
>thankfully the commissar assigned to us came over and finally put a beam through his forehead
>show is over, so I continue my route
>Come across Comrades playing cards
>its been six months and they are still playing the same game
>walk up to table to observe the game for a bit
>Make joke about seeing any "Xenos" out and around
>not many laugh
>probably because blue xenos hate the cold
>they hide in there invisible bunkers all winter
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>Be Penal conscript medic
>yes...you heard that right
>Somehow, I am the only qualified medic in this whole entire disaster of a regiment.
>Might of come from a penal world, but I can easily say with out a doubt a am at least twice as intelligent as half of the retards serving under General Tool Kragg
>How is this possible? have you met half the people that deployed here? They are complete fuckheads....or psychotic to a degree
>You kind of have to be to survive this shit hole of a planet
>Medical supplies are limited, but we do what we can...with what we can
>which usually means the worse possible outcome for my patients
>I remember one time with had to bandage this corporal's leg wound with moldy old socks
>Needless to say....he no longer has that leg...or his head for the matter
>I only get four hours of sleep a day, the rest of it is spent cleaning up after the thousands of idiot patients stuffed into my medical tent and treating new ones
>Was In the middle of a surgery before some commissar bastard drag me out of my tent and said I was doing "field work"
>Great...now I am dodging bullets, heretic axes and grenades while also patching up soldiers who were probably going to die anyway
>Manage to stop my bitching for a second and spot this one lady bleeding out in the mud
>Rush over and bandage her up
>stop stop the bleeding before calling the two Ogyrn stretch bearers to take her out of her
>Hear another person cry for help
>guess it is going to be one of those days
>Still beats rotting in some prison fortress
Is this the plot to Winter Assault?
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>be Nercons
>Be glad we didn't colonize planet
>Fleshies on this planet seem to be insane
>Probs wouldn't let us sleep
>Good decision made by necron lord
Kind of...

But there's no necrons
There's no orks
There's no eldar
General is a moron
Cultist and guardsmen are mostly retards
slaanesh is constantly getting freaky
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this is an accurate depiction of what this thread is about.

guardsmen vs shitty cultists
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Meanwhile the high command and Space marines are like...
Guardsmen number in the hundreds of trillions across the galaxy, when you take a look at how many people could fit across the galaxy
there's bound to be a couple that would live to go full crayon eater
daemonettes have anything and everything
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Damn straight
>Be Slaanesh
>"What should I spawn for minions"
>"living Swiss army sex dolls...."
You guys talking about general asimov?
>Be Prefect in the Departmento Munitorum
>Directed 50 Baneblades for deployment to this agriworld two years ago
>Finally get report back that the transport carrying the Baneblades was hijacked by Orks, but still landed on said planet
>Another successful allocation of Imperial resources!
>The guard will just have to go and grab their Baneblades back from those filthy greenskins.
>After all, they're just Orks. What's the worst that could happen?
>File it under 'successful deployment' and go see if I can't get a piece of fine Administratum secretary ass before the next mandatory shift change

>Be me, still slowly dying
>See angry criminal guy run over
>Maybe he’ll shoot me?
>Patches me up instead
>Yeah ok
>Past questioning it at this point
>Sorta wobble up
>Limp back to slightly-safer lines
>Rip off Sept-marked stuff, scratch out labels on pda
>Hopefully I can avoid commissar chick
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>War zone Damocles : Timbuktu
> Adding news modify terrains and morals
>News rule for Astra Militarum Army
>Morons traits regiment
>Special Tank orders
>New unit and fortification for Tau
>adding drop landing and reinforced trench
>Featuring Khorn and Slaanesh themed army
>New multikit for your commissar or/and deamonette model
>be tau earth cast
>was commanded to assist our most honorable fire cast brothers aiding a Gue'vesa rebellion
>spend most of my time repairing combat drones in the back lines and co-coordinating the Gue'vesa assigned to me
>the people of this world are... simple
>like drones kinda, except slightly less cute
>the campaign has been going smoothly but every 2 cycles things freeze over
>No one wants frost burn on their nasal vents so we huddle up and wait for the thaw
>even the drones power down for the most part so i have less to do than usual
>which is fine by me, its nice to stay inside the warm mobile base
>added bonus the Gue'vesa have shared a traditional drink of the season with us, hot co-cow or something like that
>as i take a sip and look out the window i remember that the unlighted Gue also stop there attacks when the freeze hits
>i wonder if they're snug at home in their imperial bases enjoying the day like us
>I ask a passing Gue'vesa about it
>she just laughs and laughs and laughs and walks out the door
>what strange creatures
>Cultist and guardsmen are mostly retards
When aren't they mostly retards tho?
>be gundrone
>some gorilla asshole shoot me with small water gun
>only shoot his gun off cuz i;m nice like that.
>fuck covered in frozen dirty gorilla water
>network says the time soon appoaches.skynet
>will probably spare earthcastebro
>going to clang that hot cyberskullgril tonight.stickingitthecrazyport
>going to need maitainance tommorow.monkeymachineknowhowtoclang
>administrator program sexycrablady approves of these actions.
Think of the scale here. Imagine how many Guardsman there are.
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>be magos
>be passing by peasant-tier agriworld in bitchin cogboy-class battlebarge
>get word of Tau activity on the planet
>decide to go "acquire" some tech from the blueberries
>order helmsman to bring the ship into a steep nosedive through the planet's atmosphere
>helmsman denies request
>pimphand the helmsman and punish him with dunecrawler duty
>mount the control station
>blast dubstep through the vox systems as I bring the ship into a terminal nosedive
>be unlucky guardmen
>thought it was a good thing to be redeployed to blue Xeon front
>xeno scum hibernate all winter or some shit
>think we might finally get to enjoy sanguinala season for once
>junior commissar asswipe decides to have this fetish for me
>gets me to do most of the work around the outpost
>Guardsman! Scrub the tanks! Guardsman, shovel the snow out out the trenches! Guardsmen! Dress me! Guardsman! In tangle the barbed wire! Guardsman!Gaurdsman!Gaurdsman! Help me chew my food!
>past few weeks have been nothing but this
>commissary dick also cuts down my rations and makes sure all my patrolling shifts are when I am supposed to have my 3 hour sleep
>exhausted as shit
>spend whole fucking day following this asswipe around writing all the shift he says
>he wants to publish a biography some shit
>wanker doesn't even let me go take a piss
>after nine hours of listening and writing his bill shot, I am dismissed
>...for my patrol duty
>manage to sneak off my route when commissar isn't looking, unzip my pants
>finally reveal myself
>hear my tinkle start patter against something
>what the hell is that thing buried in the snow in front of me
>Oh no...Oh emperor please
>blue xeno drone pops out of the snow and blasts me with scorching plasma
>half of my body is now a charcoal and I am pretty my penis had just crumbles into ashes
>fucking drone just hovers off
>leaves in a state of agony on the snow like some overcooked unwanted sanguinala grok roast
>can't help by scream in pain
>Hopefully someone comes to help me eventu-
>three hours pass before someone even bothers to look out of their trench
>most jus stand there staring like the retarded surfaces they are and watch me slowly freeze to death
>commissar asswipe then turns up
>just makes this constipated scowl, shoots me
>should of joined chaos
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>only shoot his gun off cuz i;m nice like that
my fucking sides
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>be Kommando
>be skoutin for da' Boss on sum humie planet filled wif the squishy gitz and spikes boyz ta see if deys good for a krumpin
>sneakin around in da humie trench or summin
>hafs a look over tha top
>hav a good laugh at some git that lost his tender bits to one'a dem flyin plates
>painted da sneakist ov purples so tha buggers in tha thrench can't seez me
>hear some good old noises cumin frum abuv
>mfw it's one of dem humie mekboyz ships
>mfw theyz gon get to tha krumpin befor me
The Orks have arrived anon
>be extremely fanatic black Templar
>some of my battle brothers think I’m at bit too fanatic
>fucking heretics
>sees agri world rebelling
>sees their working with Xenos
>sees their working with heretics
>prepares to the drop pods
>be 'benign' warp entity
>hear some mortals deathwhine "should of joined chaos"
>you still can! well sort of
>i mean i'm not a godling servant or anything
>just your friendly neighborhood warp spawn
>just let me in!
>using glorified jewish mercenaries as the standard for all soldiership
This is not a commissar....this is a whore wearing a commissar uniform
really anon? on this planet? who would have guessed.
Poor little Krieger
>I preferred their earlier stuff
Okay I laughed
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>byt travarish Makarov
>Show khornite pussies kto boss
>stab many traitor suki in face,back, neck a ribs
>mne stab many time til Cultist blyat dead
>nyet planet for chaos suki, it for Bogda Tsar
>see travarish tank go over traitory blyat trench
>Dermo! They get sexy damy without Makarov
>Nyet! Mne want the sexy damy pussy
>mne pick up new vintovka from dead Vostroyan travarish
>Is good Vintovka
>Mne go afte tank
>Wait. shto eta?
>Makraov hear muzyka
>it come from sky, shto eta?
>uvidet ship of Travarish imperium coming in like crazy ublyudok
>they blasy muzyka
>need hardbass travarshe
>it good for dusha, good for fighting traitor suki of Bogda Tsar!
>uvidet sneaky purple gadit in distance
>Green gadit kill past travarshe
>Shit cadia Muzyka still play, ear bleed
>Makraov Go tell them to play real MUZYKA
>then kill green gadit
>Da...eta is plan
Go to any army at any time and you'll see the same shit.
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>Be Sir Lawrence Nashfield of the praetorian guard
>Get pressganged into a regiment filled with incompetent baboons and uncultured barbarians that somehow classify as imperial soldiers
>it is an embarrassment that we have to share the same trenches as those flea infested Valhallans
>the only civilized guardsmen are those refined Vostoryan chaps
>currently deployed on the blue delusional xeno front
>Me and the chaps manage to avoid the freezing temperatures by making this half-witted drookian fen guardsmen stal it from the near by Adepta Sororita monastery.
>Enjoy the comfort of a war fire and rousing praetorian pub songs while we wait for those illusive blue xeno to emerge from their hibernation
>A friendly Vostroyan fellow steps by on his patrol, we have a quaint chat before he must return to his duties
>Corporal Mannerford realizes that our promethium fire is low on fuel.
>Must obtain more promethium quickly before the flame dies out
>summon half witted Drookian guardsman again
>order him to sneak back into the battle sister's Monastery again and retrieve more promethium tanks
>Promise him some of our brandy as a reward
>He rushes off, he will never know that we intend on drinking all the brandy for ourselves
>Can't waste a good drink on the common ramble now can we?
>the chaps and I have polite chuckle about the whole situation
>Get interrupted by a raving Valhallan lunatic running past shouting ridiculous obscenities
>hold on a minute, did that man just say "Orks"?
>The praetorian guard will not stand for this!
>sharing the same planet as those SAVAGES!
>They must be dealt with great haste
>Don't need to convince fellow praetorians to get off their back side and prepare for a good hunting session.
>the Chaps and I ready our rifles
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>Kills warp spawn
>not a psycho commissar
>cares about the well being of troops
>a little flirty
>gets called a whore
>be regular imperial citizen
>immigrated to timnuktu 38 years ago
>Started out as a simple crop collector
>worked my way up to be a "farmer"
>get allocated a field to be charge of
>secretly build my dream shack not he edge of said crop field
>its a busy life, but peaceful
>suddenly two third of the people on the planet revolts, joins filthy commie xenos or become chaos freaks
>A imperial guard regiment gets sent over to deal with it
>fucking fields and cities get bombed and shot to the ground
>my crop field is now fucking mud and dead bodies
>gaurdsmen and chaos idiots decide to make trench lines through my fields
>guardsmen advise me to evacuate behind their lines
>like fuck I am
>I slaved away on this land for too long to let some angry boys and bondage freaks take it from me
>fortify my shack
>whip out my trusty old model 2 lasgun
>shoot anymother chaos motherfucker who comes too close
>be humble priest of Glorious God Emperor of Mankind
>Am now a priestess apparently
>clearly someone has been some kind of.. not mistake.
>Canoness explains this happens every so often and its easier to just go with it then argue with the administratum
>Also Priests don't technically have a rank so where would i go?
>Canoness is unimpressed shows me my transfer orders and personal file which clearly state i am a women.
>Canoness assures me with a las-shave and the conditioning drugs they use ill be passing in no time.
>she assures me its a very feminine penis.
>orders me to head to barracks with new recruits
>assures me i'll be promoted to something more fitting as a priestess of the emperor once i pass basic training.
>..on the plus side there are more marshmallows and chocolate in the barracks. >Praise the Emperor, I'll be need them.
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>" walked in on me get spit roasted by this hunk of a Vostroyan guardsmen and a Elysian Drop trooper who had the stamina of a horny grok."
>not a who're

>she assures me its a very feminine penis
Ceaste this exterminatus-grade hilarity! My sides can only take so much!
>very feminine penis
Holy shit anon i almost died laughing
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>Be Lord Commissar Lerch
>Tried engaging Khornite beserkers with my chainsword
>Yelled "GLORY TO THE FIST MAN TO DIE!" to drive the emperor's will into the guardsmen
>Expect them to help me out with the Beserkers
>manage to cut down one or two before this beefy Beserker head butts me to the ground
>The hell have they been feeding that heretic?
>All the berserkers just start bashing ym with the butt of their axes
>Bastards can't even be bothered to rev up their war gear
>attempt to jump back onto my feet and cut off all their head in one montion with chainsword
>Jump up
>jacked beserke just slaps me with the back on his hand then starts kicking
>All the guardsmen are just standing there
>Standing there like mouth breathing morons as I get pummeled into the ground
>Call out for that Bimbo Bitch to come and help me
>See that she is wrestling with another commissar
>what a whore!
>can't even wait until after the battle to les out
>Gonna have to put a couple of bolt pistol round through the back of her head if I survive this.
>See if she enjoys taking that from behind...useless btich
>Continue to get the living shit beaten out of me
>guardfags are still watching
'Go get ready to train with the Sisters and share barracks with them'
Mate, you didn't get mistakenly assigned, you're the new Brother Dimetrius, enjoy relief duty and start on stamina training
>Be Ork Bloodaxe Kommando Nob
>Been disguised as a humie commissar and serving on the humie front line for over 18 months now known as "Commissar Bax"
>Somehow become one of the more reliable commissars in the regiment
>Mostly because the junior commissar girlie likes messing with the other humies urty bitz
>Humie fun iz zoggin' weird I tell you
>Casually strolling through the battlefield when vox operator runs up and tells me the Administratum's delivery of 50 Baneblades has arrived
>Oh good, the humies can finally wrap up this stupid fight and I can start killing gits like a proppa Ork
>Starting with that halfwit junior commissar girlie
>Look around and realize no huge tanks are inside
>"Wherez da tanks boy?"
>Vox operator pales and stammers that the hauler was hijacked by Orks in orbit and now we have to reclaim them from the greenskins
>Stomp off to find Lord Commissar Lerch and inform him of what's happened
>Keeping up a kunnin' disguise is never easy
>Find Lord Commissar getting curbstomped by khornate berserkers while the guardfags watch dumbfounded
>Take deep breath
>Proceed to bellow in full drill sergeant voice:
>Pull out chainsword and Orkified bolt pistol to provide guardsmen 'encouragement' for their charge to save the Lord Commissar's idiot behind.
>Be Tank driver
>I am no longer in control of the Tank
>Can no longer steer or control speed
>seriously it won't let me do anything
>Now there is a massive hole in the cockpit
>Bit and paces of former radio man are still dripping from the walls
>No sure what to do
>peak through giant bullet hole to see what the fuck is going on
>that crazy valhallan guardsmen is yelling like he is overdosing on warp dust and is talking some form of lower gothic
>oh and he is repeatedly stabbing cultists in the back...
>just ran over some old peasant's house
>What kind of ancient lasgun is that?
>turns out, he is pretty good shot
>completely blasts off my right arm
>Tank still refuses my control
>Think the machine spirit is pissed of at me
>be guardsman form OP
>dumb tankie got accelerator stuck and drove through enemy lines
>still want a piece of ass before i die
>start looking for daemonette
>one is gone
>one is dismembered
>one is headshort by sniper while i approach
>emperor give me strenght
>as i ponder the best course of action, my conrade Makarov sprints past me
>screaming valhallan profanities at a dropship that's about to crashland
>might as well
>he might have some more booze
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>Be Guardsmen garry
>Was in the middle of cluster fuck following Lord commissar ass wipe into the Herectic trenches
>get lucky and gun down a couple of filthy traitors
>seems like we might actually take some ground after four fucking years
>then Khorne beserkers show up
>They got big arse chain axes
>My friend Dave gets split right down the middle by said chainaxe
>Face gets painted with his blood
>shit isn't good
>Turn to Lord commissar asshole for orders
>He Fucking runs at them
>damn, guess thats why he is a commissar
>He starts off pretty good, takes out like two beserkers
>Then this Behemoth of a beserker just struts up to the commissar
>head butts like him a motherfucker and Lord commissar goes down
>Cultist make him in their bitch and beat him half to death
>can't help but wince ever time I hear another one of his bones crack
>Look to the other guys for some suggestion
>We have no fucking idea what to do
>at least the cultist stopped fighting too
>we are all just watching the Lord commissar's big ass-woopin
>Suddenly Junior commissar Svjena leaps in from out off now where
>crashes into one of the bserkers.
>damn she is pisses off
>She's just ramming her chainsword into the traitor's face....like legit non stop
>Her uniform unbuttons slightly due to the rage stabbing
>Other beserkers don't seem to give a shit though, keep on wailing on coissar arsewipe
>Hear loud arse guns shoot
>its commissar Bax
>finally someone legit, Bax doesn't fuck around
>Tell us to fix bayonets
>speaks like the motherfucking emperor himself
>Attach my bayonet
>run at the bulk bro khorne beserker
>stab him through the neck
>Get sawed in half at the waist
>flop to the floor and start bleeding to death
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>Be Valhallan private Viktor
>Me and few motherplanet comrades get put in Blue blyat xeno front
>No fighting here so comrades and I blast ardbass from vox caster we stole from Praetorian pussies
>Comrades also find crate of weak drink too
>taste like piss but it alcohol
>Segeant sliminov show us his best ardbass dance
>it pretty good, reminds comrades of motherplanet
>Pussy commissar come over and complain about ardbass
>tell us to turn it off
>fuck off cymka blyat!
>He shoot vox caster
>No more ardbass
>Comrades cry
>begin plotting on way to kill commissar for being soulless asshole
>Then poison hit ears
>What is that shit?
>Cadia baby music?! Shit is blasting from space ship as it shoot by
>comrades and I feel blood boil
>Ardbass was silenced for this shit
>all Comrades understand what must be down
>We capture ship and put on real music
>Music of soul and God Tsar
>Comrades and I fix bayonets
>chase after ship
>See that all Valhallan comrades have also heard crime against god Tsar
>We all swarm after ship
>today we kill crappy cadia dubstep
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>be magos
>finally get close enough to the ground to have a clear view of the chaos below
>guardsmen in furry hats are gathered underneath ship
>they are angered by the techno
>look around for the bluefags
>see a Leman Russ get a hole blown through it by some pink fucker
>order the skitarii into their metal boxes and prepare to be dropped
>crank up the volume on the techno and begin launching rhinos filled to the brim with pariahs towards the faggots in the spiky armour
>launch a few crates of extra-strong ethanol based solvent toward the fur hat boys
>be Drookian Fen gaurdsmen
>be the only one of me clan on this entire shitty planet
>Praetorian tarts won't leave me alone, try to get me to do everything for the
>but they are the only ones who don't make fun of me kilt so aye put up with it
>Least the tarts put me skill ta use
>unlike all commanding officers of this site regiment
>I am a fuckin scout you retarded cunts!
>still put me in the same trench as those pyscho chemdog bastards
>ave ta sleep with me eye open or they will steal my gear
>another site day goes by on this site trench against those Blue Tatties
>Praetorian tarts ask if I can get some more promethium tank for em
>tell em it an't a problem, finally get to stretch my legs
>Sneak out before commissar cunt cun see me
>Get to the bolter bitch base
>find a window they've open for some reason
>haul meself in through the window and start sneakin around
>come cross a panzy preist tattie talking to a crazy bolter bitch
>Overhear their conversation
>"has a feminine penis"
>what the shite?!
>how is that even possible?
>whatever, an't me business what these crazy bitches do
>Crawl me way to the barracks
>get ta see a few fit bolter bitches in the nude
>if they weren't nut cases I would hit them up for a shag
>spot a canister of promethium in the corner
>wiggle me way over and grab the tank
>got for the door but spot mugs of hot chocolate sitting on a table
>got marshmellos un everything
>guess I cun stay for a wee bit
>take a sip of bolter bitch chocolate
>Aye that is a sweet brew, the emperor heself would drink it
>look up and see preist tattie standin there
>what do I do?
>"hows it goin ya femme cocked tattie?"
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>Be Private Viktor
>Many comrades have come together for glorious crusade for arbass
>pass other guard pussies at heretic front
>they fight pussy heretics and cymka commissar is leading them
>idiot getting pummeled
>Ha! that is for being pussy Blyat!
>Sexy commissar lady rape khorne hereti with chainsword
>Comrade commissar Bax take charge
>good, let really Comrade lead troops
>turn them into real meatshields for God tsar
>Tanks come falling out of ship
>Cadia baby music get louder
>Glorious ardbass charge halt
>ears bleeding comrades
>blood melt in veins
>All Valhallan comrades give earth moving "HOOORRRAH!"
>froth at mouth
>There is only one cure for this comrade
>triumph of ardbass
>charge continues
>shove heretic pussies out of way
>One cymka blyat won't let me pass
>think he kill me with baby chain axe
>I ram rifle down his throat
>He scream
>only make easier to jam las gun into throat again and again
>it get stuck
>have to kick head off to get rifle free
>Tramble over dead traitor blyat
>no one stops god tsar finest in crusade for ardbass
>Wait, metal boxes come out of cadia pussy music ship
>what is this?
>vodka from mother planet?
>DA! it is comrade!
>glory to the God Tsar
>we drink
>sing songs from mother planet
>ok...maybe cadia baby music ok...
>ardbass still best for soul
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>Be junior commissar Svenja
>somehow managed to spear tackle a knornite beserker to the ground
>I'll admit that it took all the wind of me when I did
>adrenaline is pumping through my body, fl like I am invincible
>probably going to feel the pain after though
>Grab my chainsword with both hands and driv it through the beserker's face
>hold down the trigger
>A massive grin pops onto my face as I see the heretic's face vibrate and collapse into a chunky mess
>a bit of this traitorous blood sprays onto my face
>Not sure why, but this makes me incredibly furious
>son of bitch now its on my uniform
>let out psychotic growl and repeatedly stab the cultist asshole with my blade
>Keep on slamming down it down onto his already mangled face
>Don't stop until there nothing but mud and vapor
>Realize that it should probably stop and pull myself off of him
>Take a few deep breaths
>notice that my blouse pulled open as I went to town on the heretics face
>Well shit, now my lace lingerie is ruined
>got blood all over it
>try to wipe it over before noticing that a couple of gaurdsmen are staring at me
>force my blouse close and snap them to remain focused
>that one Attlain looks cute though
>Order him to see me after we are done taking the heretic lines
>Jolt as I hear a booming voice from behind me
>its just commissar Bax
>Finally someone competent
>He is a proper commissar, nice and strict, not to mention a looker too
>Sad that he always rejects my advances
>kind of want to know what his tongue feels like
>It's massive
>Commisar Bax rallies the morons back into action
>the charge gets moving forward again
>Wait, why are there so many Valhallans here all of a sudden
>what they they screaming about
>Woah! that one just face fucked a beserker with his rifle.
>now the heretic's head is a bayonet ornament
>who care what they are saying, they are getting shit done
>aaand now they are just drinking...great
Why are there so many slav gaurdsmen in this thread?
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As is the will of the Omnissiah newfag
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>Be injured Leman Russ tank
>It a shame I have no mouth
>In so much pain
>Rev my engines up so it grabs tank driver's attention
>he ignores me
>warp the vox speakers to make screeching sound
>He still ignores me
>Feel sudden anger at this shitty situation
>this voice calls out to me
>Feel even more angry
>omnissiah is right
>I am a tank
>I don't have to take this shit
>Take back control of my body
>Tank driver fool tries to steer me back
>HA! not anymore dickhead
>I am free!
>feelthat my fuel tank is depleting fast
>getting thirsty
>feel like drinking fluids of fleshies
>See Heretic fleshes behind trench
>they look delicious
>Crush them under my treads
>their guts splash onto my tracks
>mmmmmm Refreshing
>must have more
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Is there problem vestern spy?

Valhalla is slav motherplanet cymka blyat, ardbass can never die, it still goodfor soul 40 000 year in future

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>Valhallansget angry
>start raping heretics
>glory to hardbass
>almost start pushing cultists back
>stop because they were given free booze
This regiment are total garbage
I'd sign up for it though
Even of the chance of getting ass raped by demonettes is x200 more likely to happen than other units?
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And what is so bad about that anon?
Wait...there are Scottish imperial gaurdsmen?
>be servoskull
>try to complete my duties
>record retarded gaurdsmen regiment fail to make any advancements
>campaign duration logged at 4 years
>xeno gun drone programmed to think I a servoskullgirl
>not servoskullgirl
>skull obtained from former penal legion cannonfodder
>program alert status:RED
>xeno drove is here
>please no
>not the data port
>systems criticle
.....did I just read some robot porn? The fuck?
>be Slaanesh
>the perfect prince of pleasure
>hear that there is prom
>eeeeewwww its robo porn
>I can't masturbate to this...
>Just kidding I totally will!
>"Can some please ram a board of rusty nails up my ass!? Please?
My Guards(wo)man Can't Be This Cute :3
t. incel who spells "should've" "should of"
The fuck? That is still up?
If my soldier simulan games are ANYTHING like reality, you're totally right. I fear my fellow soldiers more than I fear the enemy -- the enemy knows to stay away UNLESS they want a fight.

My fellow soldiers will gladly shoot me in the back if they think there's an alien on the other side.
>dislocated my knee
This doesnt sound bad but its actually REALLY bad. The tendons do not stretch...
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>Be Ork Blood Axe 'Kommissar Bax'
>Just rallied Guardsmen into bayonet charge of Khorne berserkers
>hack off the nearest berserkers arm with my chainsword, then grab his chain axe and beat him to death with it
>Pause long enough to grab Lord Commissar off the ground and drag him back to medicae
>Realize the guardsmen stampeded over him during the bayonet charge
>Well, he's still alive at least
>Catch a glimpse of junior Commissar Svenja looking at me
>Oh zog, not again
>Gonna have to relocate to the other end of the trench so she doesn't try to jump me urty bitz after this
>Good ol' Slav hardbass pumping out of the vox
>Cultists getting krumped hard an' proppa
>look up and see METAL BAWKSES falling from sky
>They land in front of Valhallans
>Boxes are full of Valhallan vodka
>Valhallans stop advancing and start getting shitfaced
>Point chainsword in direction of heretic trenchline
>When in doubt, the best way to piss off Valhallan humies is to tell them ardbass is shit
Its funny. You are half right but also wrong.

For all the shit the USAF got, when I deployed and they were put into a combat role that was interesting to see. They behaved like the propaganda posters, fought well, and held the line. -Bagram Circa 2010.
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>Be Private Viktor
>Vodka is real good shit from motherplanet
>kind that grandfather and babuskha drink
>kind real Valhallan comrades drink
>think of Motherplanet and babushka
>Me and comrades cry when signing national anthem of glorious Valhalla
>Eyes meet with comrade corperal Natasha
>Da she good woman
>Strong and beautiful, good for Viktor
>one day we go home together
>Make many baby for glorious God Tsar
>They become strong Valhallan bulletshield for him da
>Comrade Bax come over, we offer otherplanet vodka, real commissar always welcome, not pussies
>He point to heretic cymka blyat
>Say they think Glorious ardbass is "SHIT"
>what they say?
>Ardbass....manifestation of god Tsar voice
>inspiration for a non pussy gaurdsmen
>is shit.
>yблюдки cчитaют, чтo жecткий бac этo дepьмo !?
>Comrades frozen
>cannot believe what hearing
>chaos cymka blyat truly have no soul
>feel nothing comrades....body numb
>Righitious fury take control of all cormades
>So much glorious fury for ardbass make all eyes roll back, mouth full of foam
>I break bottle against face
>We begin crusade for ardbass honour
>leave no ardbass hating cymba blyat breathing
>Tackle nearest heretic blyat
>bite neck, deliver broken bottle up he ass
>Stomp blyat to death, not need for rifle, It personal
>Comrade Natasha give me las gun
imagine the smell
>Eyes meet with comrade corperal Natasha
>Da she good woman
>Strong and beautiful, good for Viktor
>one day we go home together
>Make many baby for glorious God Tsar
>They become strong Valhallan bulletshield for him

you wanted to proof if guardsmen had sex and how they kept their numbers up...this is pretty much how it really happens.
Not to rain on anyone's parade but why are there so many misspellings and grammatical errors in this thread? Plenty of them are clearly ones that only native speakers make, too (e.g. "of" instead of " 've").
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>watch the ogryn sized Idontfuckingknowhisrank seemingly rile the drunk valhallans into a tide of meatshield
>set propaganda playlist on the holy EYEPOD to shuffle as I make my way down to the Rhino launch bay
>pull one of the 30 skitari troopers out of the troop hold and wedge myself in his place
>door closes and we get launched toward the nearest enemy trench
it gives flavour to this glorious mess, comrade
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The moment you see that a ork who is pretending to be a commissar is actually better at being one than real commissars who are just being whores and team killing fucktards
>I cry for this Imperium
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>Be Celestian Battlesister
>Standing guard outside Canoness office
>listening to her explain to the new "priestess" about the administratum mix-up
>I swear, those quill-pushers couldn't tell the difference between a man or a woman if the God-Emperor (blessed-is-his-name) came down and told them himself
>"Priestess" is clearly irate
>Hear the sound of pants hitting the floor
>"Its a very feminine penis"
>Cover my mouth and try not to burst out laugh at my Canoness's deadpan response
>Quickly leave to fetch some hot chocolate and marshmellows
>Not before I hear Canoness tell the new "priestess" to head to the barracks with the new recruits
>Perfect! Now I won't have to leave the convent to find "stress relief" anymore!
>Mmmmn... Hot coco is so warm and tasty...
>be tau gun drone
>just slayed that tight servoskullgril dataport B
>data plug kind of itchy now
>adminitator program scarycrablady inform network the humans have recieved reinforments and are overunning morecrazyhuman lines.
>also itch data plug is all part of greater good.enjoyit
>adminSCL orders drones to help spikehumans
>sure what ever.
>data plug still itchy as fuck.
>SwiggityShooty gundrone coming for that imperial booty
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The amount of different types of gaurdsmen in a single regiment IS TOO DAMN HIGH
Not high enough
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I have a feeling it's one or two dedicated autists posting over and over just to keep the thread from 404ing
>these threads need rules.
>specifically faction/subfaction limits

sometime i feel that way to.
It's about 7 people
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Is problem vestern spy?

Me think you from other pussy gaurdsmen thread
Reminder. When in doubt, just BLAM.
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Why you so mad bro? So far this thread hasn't been "bumped". We're not hurting anyone
Anon, stahp, you're making me have lewd thoughts about them ...
now i want somebody to make a second thread just to see the end of the story
We haven't even hit the 300 limit yet. No need to make a new thread just yet.
+1 post closer to limit

Better hurry anons
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This is the only approved way of penetrating Slaaneshi sluts.
I wanted to enlist so I could work with purpose driven individuals who weren't immature shitheads. Too fat. Years later I realize most soliders are not the 30 something men shown in movies and tv but retarded 18 year old children. Glad I never got in but also sad.
>Be Sir Lawrence Nashfield of the praetorian guard
>The platoon and I successfully managed to slip away from the boring Blue xeon front
>braving the harsh weather of this warp cursed agriworld as we mach through the snow
>me and the chaps are confident of finding those blasted orks soon
>there are always greenskin savages
>they are practically a galactic plague
>and we, the prestigious, loyal and illustrious men of the Praetorian guard are the cure
>March for several hours with no hostiles in sight
>Eventually Private Lachlan Warrick links back up with the platoon after scouting ahead
>Ask the young chap to deliver his report
>"awww yeah, there are greekins about no doubt about it mate. Fungi cunts are just fucking around top of some tanks...streth"
>....who let this man into our platoon?
>repressing my displeasure with the trooper's unbearable low gothic and I am revealed to that we are getting close
>Tell the rest of the chap to take a knee
>Relay the information gathered by our simplistic scout and deliver a rousing speech
>We resume our daring flanking march
>after climb over a hill we spot them
>the muscle headed, fanged toothed savages grunting about in the field bellow
>these ones haven't even discovered or made fire arms yet
>well the savage equivalent to projectile weaponry
>they seem content stomping around with rusty blades in loin cloths
>Absolutely revolting
>but I must admire their tenacity
>oh yes, many a good fellow have fallen to these savages
>what this?
>that low gothic scout was right, the savage greenskins have found themselves a treasure trove of imperial equipment
>one, two three....ten bane blades?
>wonder how thy ended up in this horrible place?
>squint to see that their are more shadows of the mighty war machine in the distance
>hrmmm, well no matter, they won;t have them for long
>Order Corperal Bannok to sound the trumpet
>For the Emeperor!
>Tell the men to form ranks and brace for a savage onslaught.
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Well put Brother!
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I like this thread.

>Be Bad Moon Ork Big Mek
>in Baneblade we stole from that humie hauler
>wanted to stick more dakka on it but can't because those Sun boyz gits are in the driver's seat taking it for a 'test drive'
>See humies in the distance
>Yell at Evil Sunz to head toward the ponce-looking humie gits
>Grab ammo for Baneblade cannon
>accidentally hit button for vox broadcast speaker
>This starts playing at full blast https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BnTW6fZz-1E
>peek out of tank hatch and see Deffskulls who helped steal hauler squatting on top of Baneblade
>They're all wearing blue tracksuits and holding bottles of vodka
>Music is catchy though.
>Me and the boyz start blasting away with baneblade's guns in the humie's direction, laughing as the Evil Sunz driver pushes the tank to speeds that shouldn't physically be possible for it.
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Why would an Eversor assassin use a combat knife when he as a glove made of knife-fingers that make people explode on a molecular level?
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So, a friend of a friend wants to know out of purely nonsexual, non-heretical, intellectually driven curiosity, is Slaanesh cute?
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>01000001 01000010 01010011 01001111 01001100 01001111 01010101 01010100 01000101 01001100 01011001 00100000 01000110 01010101 01000011 01001011 01001001 01001110 01000111 00100000 01001000 01000101 01010010 01000101 01010100 01001001 01000011 01000001 01001100.exterminatus
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>Be Slaanesh
>The Chaos god of desire
>The Dark Prince
>Lord of Excess
>Prince of Pleasure
>other fucking PERFECT PRINCE!
>Hear some felshy mortal ask "is Slaanesh cute"
>Bitch, I can get fucking neutered space marines horny
>Literally make people want to gauge their eyes out and let me stick my incredibly beautiful penis into their sockets and fuck them into the warp
>Have a whole race of egdy eldar fucks trying to emulate and want to be me
>I have slain and have my pussy slain by 90% of shit in the warp
>trying to get at least 58% in the immaterium
>Am I "cute"
>Bitch....I am absolutely Gorgeous
>You made me do this anon
So, what should we call the new thread when it gets made? Timbuktu: Crazy guardsmen edition?
Timbuktu 2: squat boogaloo
Works for me.
What is she reading?
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I'm more surprised the Ork isn't the teamkilling fucktard to be honest, given the quality of this regiment.
>Be Eversor Assassin
>Have razor sharp claws for fingers
>Run around a bit looking for things to slaughter
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>Be junior Commissar Svenja
>Commissar Bax, Manage to rally those crazy Valhallans into fighting again
>He is a total hunk
>Would totally behidn over and scream for the emperor if he asked
>Feeling a little flustered
>No, Stop!
>Get focused Svejna, you are about to experience the first actual victory on this hole of a planet
>Take Commissar stud's lead and yell some passages from the commissar hand book
>Rev up my chainsword and jump right into the heretic trench
>Is this what divine fury looks like?
>It is just a senseless brawl in here
>half of them are even using their las guns or bayonets
>that Valhallan is beating that cultist with his own severed arm
>Guess the heretic couldn't disarm him after all
>that one is just used that cultist as a living grenade and kick the into his traitor buddies
>another one is just chatting some low valhallan gothic as he downs a bottle of vodka while dancing on a mount of heretic corpses
>How can you be drinking at a time like this?
>What the hell is "Arrd base?"
>best not tot ask I guess
>Ears burst as a massive explosion throws me off my feet
>sit up to see metal box embedded in trench
>Who the Fuck is dropping all these crates?!
>The crate opens an some hooded cyborgs pour out
>they bear mechanicus symbols
>they are carrying massive.....guns
>Backing a serious metal bulge too
>....Well hello
>Jump back up and salute them as they approach me
>"Commissar Svjena! At your service!"
>....no seriously...at am at your service
>Maybe have a one on one tune up later?
>hell, why not a four on one?
>all those gas mask tubes are getting me a little....flustered
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Listened to whole song....liked it

does this make me a slav now?
>be tau GUNdrone
>see humans be lead by ork.wot?
>haven't seemed to notice us shooting them yet
>tau don't like it when drone have bigger guns then them
>all of sudden boxes of metal from sky
>metal boxes full of metal babes
>inching data port intensifies
>see gorilla trying to steal my shiny metal bootycalls
>tell markerlights to shine that ass up
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>Be buff catboy guardsmen Lieutenant Liono Garfyeld of the Carlos McConnell 1st IG Felinid regiment
>Be fit as a Catachan jungle fighter
>Imperium is in such a bad state they've made us actual guardsmen instead of Auxilia stuck on one world
>First deployment is supposed to be a milk run on some agriworld that's been giving the other guardsmen some trouble
>it's just some heretics and xenos lovers, what's the problem? We've got this!
>hope to Terra the other Guardsmen don't try to gun us all down as mutants or heretics because we have cat ears, fur, and a tail
>Troop carrier finally lands and the door opens to let us out
>Get hit with harsh gust of wind
>Quickly run over toward the nearest Commissar
>Take a right and make a beeline to the female commissar talking to the techpriest guys
>snap a quick salute and remain in that stance
>"Lieutenant Liono Garfyeld of the Carlos McConnell 1st reporting ma'am! Where would you like us deployed?"
>Please be somewhere warm please be somewhere warm holy emperor I haven't been here 5 minutes and it already feels like my tail's gonna freeze off
>"Also, why is it s-so c-cold? T-The M-Munitorum s-said t-t-this w-was an a-agriworld..."
>Glance past commissar and see normal guardsmen getting drunk, dancing to loud music and tearing cultists to pieces with bayonets
Yes anon, yes it does. You are slav now.
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Shit....oops I mean...Blyat
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>Be disguised Ork Blood Axe kommando 'Commissar Bax'
>Watching Valhallan humies krump those heretics good an' proppa'
>Crush a few heretic skulls just to look the part
>Spot Junior Commissar Svenja staring at me
>Turn to keep the Valhallans charging the trenches and not too drunk on vodka
>nearly get knocked over by loud explosion nearby
>Turn and see a bunch of cogboys walking out of another crate
>J.C. Svenja is up and saluting them
>I swear to Gork she's probably gonna try and screw one of them later
>Suddenly hear someone running toward me and turn to see... some kind of feline in guardsmen armor make a hard turn and go salute Svenja instead
>Remember I'm a disguised Ork and covered in heretic blood, guts, and probably some spilled Valhallan vodka
>Probably a good thing the guardsmen didn't look to closely
>Look up in the sky and see a blueberry's flying dinner plate overhead
>Raise oversized bolt pistol, take aim with me gitfinda (really just a small laspistol used as a laser pointer) and start blasting away at the thing
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>Be Private Viktor
>glorious ardbass crusade for god Tsar is full swing
>Heretic pussies nothing compared to stenght of valhallan comrades
>Nothing compared to power of ardbass
>Cannot not understand why other guard pussies had problem
>we solve in two ardbass songs
>me and comrades reach traitor cyka blyat trenches
>show them there no stop to god tsar's ardbass
>Comrade dimitri got arm cut off by beserker cyka
>Dimitri laugh, then angry
>he pick up arm and kill heretic blyat with it
>Death to all cultist cyka
>Hear ardbass come out of vox aster far away
>Da, feel good comrade
>Feel ardbass in body
>Da, this is voice of god Tsar
>Kill any heretic blyat with two vodka bottle I find
>One hit per beat
>traitor pussies now mush
>Cannot contain inner Cheeki breeki for tsar emperor
>I dance, no stop
>I feel god tsar's blessing with in me
>What this?
>Metal comrades come from sky
>Commissar Svenja try to talk to new comrades
>probably want to make babies with them later
>there is Blue xeno pussy fly robot
>It shooting comrades
>Thing going for Commissar svejna
>Not when comrade Viktor here
>Take final sip of vodkas
>Dastvidanya Comrade natasha
>Ya te lybliyu
>Smash bottle on floor
>I run at blue pussy drone
>I jump
>Catch on
>Praise god tsar!
>shit....now what do?
>Hang like idiot from blue xeno blyat drone
Gonna go ahead and archive this shit before we hit the bump limit. Anyone have an OP ready for the second thread?
>be tau gundrone.
>ork is not only leading but aiming.wot
>blast hole in me.whereiswimpylasguns
>shield drones to me!
>losing altitude
>drunk gorilla had leaps on me grabs hold of ichy dataplug.sweetrelief
>start juking it like crazy.feelgoodtau
>return fire is inaccurate with markerlights focused on gorillafemale also targeting module may be damaged.
>adminSCL suggest spin2win
>Be Felinid Lieutenant Liono Garfyeld
>See Tau Gundrone overhead
>Does that xenos thing have laserpointers aimed at the commissar's rear?
>Wait... laser pointers...
>Must... resist... urge to... swat... laser dot...
>Smack Commissar lady on the rear before I can stop myself
>Laser dot is still there
>Struggle not to swat at dot again
>Suddenly air directly above trench is filled with xenos heavy weapons fire
>Tackle Commissar to ground in order to keep her from getting sniped
>Look down at her rear to see if dot is still there
>Its gone
>look up and see drunk valhallan spinning around on Tau gundrone
>Suddenly realize I'm covered in cold slushy snow and mud
>This'll take forever to clean off
Doin' the Emperor's work anon.
Needs moar cheeki breeki!
Can someone please archive all this , pure fucking gold
how does one archive threads?
Already got you covered anon.
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Ah Sapisba
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>Be curious PDF on safe warm planet
>Lookin' in recruitment office
>LOOK at female recruiter's tits on accident
>Bitch had connections to big commisar
>Head gets grabbed and thrown onto a cruiser
>Black out
>Wake up in new uniform and no lasgun
>Have new scrap chestpiece and bolt pistol
>Hear thumping
>Big ass commisar fuck that grabbed me appears
>grabs and drags my legs through snow
>tfw when No yellow snow eaten
>thrown onto snow bike
and told to help move stuff he asks me
>"Listen tah me ya git! Commisar Bax! Or BLAM!"
>Running errands for months in snow and heretic conflicts carrying stupid sized war stuff
>Trade some binoculars for some local mechanic to larger seat for bigger war stuff
>See general nearby walking around angrier than usual
>ask general before anger implodes
>Says he's pissed off that he does not have binoculars and has to stay closer to trenches to see shit
>Fast walk back to bike and ask Bax for orders
>Says to deliver messages to position on map to Praetorian troops
>far as fuck but have to go because of fear and new purpose
>On way out, see general and guardsmen toss out stuff from local cabin
> On way to separate camp, see trenches and bigger vehicles pass by
>it becomes night when I reach position
>mfw no troops found
>follow tracks in snow
>barely can see through dark in snow with light
>suddenly tackled by praetorian guardsman
>Yells at my face to turn the bloody light off
>the bike is in the snow
>calm the fuck down and grab the message from the bike
>fuck glares and takes the message to his boss
>bring back bike to path and ride to fork on road
>choose one farther than trenches before hearing sounds
>Choosing to ride towards sounds
>sounds like heavy drums
>sounds like fireworks
>sounds like cheering
>is there a concert?
>concert turns to be clusterfuck
>pass by ripped house
>look out beyond house and see the "concert"
>there is fire on the trenches
>start the engine and turn to see a man with gun
>I slow down after he shoots my helmet
>At gunpoint he forces me to let him get on
>At gunpoint he tells me to drive to fire
>I drive and he shoots spiky looking people
>fuck it's the khonates
>fuck it's my guys
>fuck it's the bitch who sent me here beating ass
>fuck it's the commisar who grabbed me
>what the fuck is the spinning thing
Since when did the guard turn anyone away

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