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/tg/ - Traditional Games

>Shit's fucked up yo edition

Original Thread: >>62640215
Thread #2: >>62665559

>Sisters of Battle of the Order of the Golden Light stationed on the newly discovered medieval world get dragged into conflict because Magos explorator Fleet unearthed a Necron Tomb complex AND an Eldar Webway portal
>Deathwatch shows up to help solve the problem.
>Aeldari of the craftworld hugiv'safuk start invading because tomb world would have a staight shot to said craftworld
>More AdMech from Stygies VIII show up
>Chaos of almost every flavor shows up as well
>Tzeentchians just kinda sit and laugh
>Khornates woefully incompetent
>Slaaneshis manage to corrupt Craftworld
>Craftworld now radiating lewdification onto the world
>women turn into bimbos, the degree of this corruption is measured by their acceptance of it
>some men turn into women, some seem to be immune while others aren't
>Rogue Trader Billy Mays dumps more Oxythrone on the world to cleanse it, a few people suffocate from all the ammonia
>the AdMech magos dominus declares the world lost, starts a very poorly executed evacuation
>sword champion of the black templars tries to destroy craftworld, what's going on with that remains a mystery
>Deathwatch guy seems to have gotten not only 1 but 2 of the big tiddy SoB GFs he was after
>Catachans are still blasting Doom music at volumes that should shatter their eardrums, they remain unharmed out of pure manliness
>what the fuck is even happening at this point
>Still depressed Khornate lord
>Successfully evacuated from that hellish world
>Have another of my Cunningplans.TM
>Murder all my bonkers marines, put there geneseed in my disciplined, smart serfs
>Set up a fortress on the planet
>Settle down and play wargames with my robots
> be me.
> actually, be me female chaplain Marietta Alfred,
> get saved by necrons
> is this heresy?
> fuck it I don't even know anymore
> pretty sure Ulfric is dead....
> damn bastard, all he wanted to do was help people... even though he didn't know it.
> go into a quiet room to pray for my fallen brother.
>fuck this tomb ship is dirty
>where are the spyders?
>I guess I will clean this statue.
>Be me.
>Be escaped Overlord.
>Escaped planet, shits about to blow.
>Wait for a bit, try to get a plan in order.
> look at cleansed warrior
> "please.... stop trying to clean me... I am praying for my fallen brother."
> If I had been there, I could have done something, maybe the planet wouldn't be the shitshow it is now, and I wouldn't be stuck here in this xenos ship.
>Be me.
>Grand Master Inquisitor of the Ordo Courlo.
>Commanding Astropath over the vox-network to send out the message of the need for members for the new Ordo to investigate the Space Clown.
>Plan in motion
>Gunning down marines and picking them up as they try to come back to the ship
>Too stupid to realise
>Only about 100 left
>is resurrected by haemonculae
>crying for a fee hours after being molested by Slaanesh
>thankful that is over
> Be me, Victor Samson
> why the fuck does this ship have tits on every surface
> more importantly where is that honking coming from?
> Ibetfuckingslaaneshisbehindthis.heresy.
>be me
>sister of heavy fuck off weapons
>has heavy bolter
>armor still cracked
>Slaanesh inlfuence fading
>that got outnof hand fast
>like really fast
>oh he lost a brother. How awful.
>"I hope their death was pleasant, statue."
>still can't find my friends scarab. Or my friend.
>good thing I only feel on the part-time.
>stomp out to clean the halls. Wait for the lord to think of yet another plan.
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>Sits on the Commorite ship of the Cabal of the Given Fucks
>Guess that getting enough material to get the Wych apparently named Caoimhe revived by Haemonculi is the Fuck that I have Given in the service of this Cabal
>Not entirely sure how Haemonculi got what I want from him, but I guess that my Incubi buddy looking at him menacingly ensured he'd do his job
>This Incubi is really good at getting his point across, given he never takes helmet off and is mute
>Well, guess now all we can do is play cards and wait for the Wych be revived
>I really hope it was worth my time
>Looks over at his new Acolyte
"That fucking Space Clown is real right?"
"I'm not just really high off of some Slanneshi shit right now."
>be me
>deldar gurl
>was burned after trying to make an alliance with monkeigh
>luckily it is only a little bit easier to destroy deldar than it is a necron
>after she's restored she is totally indebted to you because
>fuck man
>without you she would have been Slaanesh fuel forever

>it was worth it if only because you have an effective slave in having her so indebted
"I don't even... I think it was real."
>cough from oxythrone exposure
>Sees her coughing.
>Urge to headpats increases.
"I'm so fucking confused."
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>Looks at the Wych
>At least I think her rank's a Wych, what other Dark Eldar would be in the middle of that chaos on that planet on their own, without being good at their job?
>She looks kinda cute
>While locking her spirit in her skull after decapitating would be interesting, it would make all the retrieve-and-have-brought-back-to-life pointless
>decides to make attempt at indoctrinating her about superiority of my kind
>"Hello, would you like to hear about our Lord and Saviour, Kheradruak?"
>Fuck, forgot all she'll understand is "Hearlaughalos, Kheradruak!" and everyone has heard of the Decapitator, so she might think I am introducing myself as Decapitator Hearlaughalos
>I can tell that the Incubi is amused by it, the mute bastard
>And he knows I know, and is clearly even more amused by it, not like anyone else could tell he even has emotions
>be me, Goff Warboss Silvatoof ar-uk Plotdevoice
>bored outta me mind since oi got me and me ladz on dis space 'ulk
>just koinda tumblin' through da warp
>spoiky space marinez there, demon gits there, nuffin speshul goin' on
>me weirdboy finks da warp iz gon' spit us out
>flashy bitz start goin' off, first nob tells me to hit da big green button
>my big button is green and not red 'cuz green is best
>smash button, weirdboy starts screamin' 'is 'ead off
>get spat outta da warp with a roight proppa bang
>see some cogboy fleet and eldar thingy bit further away
>wot were dem fings called again
>toofworlds? No dat can't be it
>woteva, tell me navigorktor to plot course for dat fing
>ovashoot a bit, moibe we shouldn't a painted da entire 'ulk red
>it gets koinda caught up in da 'ulk
>looks loike da boyz are gonna get to krump sumfin again
>first mek tells me we'z gunna need a bit to fix da warp droive, wot a load a squigshit
>loada 'umie ships approachin' da 'ulk

Guy who created this thread here, hope this gets the imagination flowing and brings some fresh wind into the storyline
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>Be me.
>Minding me own fuckin' business, sleeping off some bruises after having a bit of an argy-bargy with the sarge.
>Oi m8 you fuckin' what?
>Wake up, grab me melta.
>Where's the Sarge?
>Where am I?

Lads what the FUCK did you cunts get up to while I was asleep?
>Be me.
>See what looks to be a mobile pile of scrap metal leave the warp.
>Bring Fancy Chap, honor guard, and fuck all else on a ship to investigate.
so uh, what now? The planet is destroyed/turned into a Slaaneshi daemon world.
It has? Well fuck, I'm a bit shafted then eh?
Space battles, boarding the space hulk and dealing with nearly 100% of the men on planet turning to women.
>looking blankly at you
"Yes. Interesting."
>obviously does not understand a thing
>but she does seem docile enough
"Okay. Do you... Uh, can you draw that for me?"
>Buncha Spoiky Space Marinez still aven't noticed me 'ulk
>dem lads gotta be blind or sumfin
>or are they ignorin' me
>Remember there were more chaos forces here
>Wonder if any are still alive
>Try to get a message to the bookfuckers offering them safety within my fleet
>Go sit at the edge of the system
>Start working on my new marine batch
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>She asks me to draw
>I look at Incubi in disbelief
>He gives microshrug
>Brilliant idea! I could use the shadowflames to get my point across
>Starts with deciding to make Hearlaughalos my name, not like I ever had any, and the Archon calls me that anyway
>I'm pretty good at it
>Shows her how Kheradruak the Decapitator and his Mandrakes saved Commoraigh recently by sealing The Gate of Khaine after Ynnari debacle
>Breach the ship, get a kill team or two of warriors out, take out Classy Chap, who is now a Classy Bitch upon further inspection, and get ready to explore for swag and hoes.
>be onboard of Mechanicus Ark, freshly teleported with the two voluptuous Sororitas next to me
>Want to cash in my SM64 final credits hero kiss when suddenly
01001111 01110010 01101011 00100000 01010011 01110000 01100001 01100011 01100101 00100000 01001000 01110101 01101100 01101011 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01100011 01101100 01101111 01110011 01100101 00100000 01110000 01110010 01101111 01111000 01101001 01101101 01101001 01110100 01111001 00101100 00100000 01110000 01110010 01100101 01110000 01100001 01110010 01100101 00100000 01100010 01100001 01101111 01110010 01100100 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01100001 01100011 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 00100001
>it's repeated for normal people
>Ork Space Hulk in close proximity, prepare boarding action!
>well shit
>where the fuck did that come from
>Whatever, killing Greenskins is fun and easy
>"Well I don't know about you Sisters but I'm definitely partaking in that"
>step back onto teleport field and wait for activation
>"Agreed! Nothing like good ol' xenos bashing!"
>Is that a fucking space hulk?
>Leave the serfs to do the implantation and shit
>Take my robots and my pimping thunderhawk
>Let's go loot this bitch
>Be Savorius, Sorcerer of the Thousand Sons
>Well... currently sorceress.
>Some shit happened, might've gone a little crazy
>Managed to get back to a friendly-ish chaos ship with my tzaagnors and rubrics
>Still a chick though
>Luckily, magic
>Fuck you imma wizard.jpg
>Back to normal, kind of
>For now
>Wonder if I can sell this to the many loyalists who are currently chicks as a result of that daemonette's weird shit
>Be Rage Rage, coolest marine
>After headbutting that armour plating on the Toaster ship I got knocked out
>Wake up in darkness
>No helmet
>Hear chittering around me
>See some wierd white and purple bugs
>Grab one
>Try and bite it
>It bites me
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>Still trying to wake up when everything goes black.
>Then white.
>Then black again.
>The crikey fuck? Now I'm on a spaceship. With Sisters of Battle. And a goddamn Space Marine.
>They must have spines of steel with tits like that. Fuck me.
>Ah, good. Something I can understand.
"Too fuckin' rite cunt, time ta glass a bloody greenie."
>some nob tells me dere's a bunch a crons onboard now
>wot do ya mean the breached the black thingy
>the wot'sitcalled
>Blackstone Fortress, dat's wot it waz! Damn 'umies wif their stupid names
>not even da burna boyz wanna go dere, place is zoggin' haunted oi tell ya wot!
>how in da name of Mork am oi supposed to Krump 'em then?
>wake up again
>Feel hungry
>Feel other hungry things in my head
>Food nearby
>Pick up Axe
>Order soldiers to pick up as much swag for themselves as they can.
>Also loot, warscythe held at the ready.
>Where are these damn bitches at?
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>roll up to the space hulk
>nipples firm
>kneading the titty
>start firing daemonettes from the macro cannons
>so horny
>so heretical
I am going to bed, g'night. Pls do not murderrape me
>Arrived on hulk, very quiet here
>Apparently the robots have found some different metal men, those ones that have green glowy shit and black rocks
>Go to where the robots said they were
>Greet them, offer trading of loot.
Don't be worried, the call of sleep demands my presence as well. Also, I don't kill Dark Eldar without being paid or it being challenging.
>Greet pointy hardcase.
>Ask if we can join up to loot the place, and if he has any bitches he can spare.
> be me,
> walk into the space hulk, crozius cane in one hand, bolt pistol in the other.
> still kind of depressed,
> wonder where my few remaining brothers (or sisters) are at this point.
> see one motherfucker offering to trade.
>"Hey, you there, Guardsman! Are you ready to teleport?"
>Just stand next to Sister Mallory here, no touching!
>loud humming noise
>blue flashes
>turret servitors pop out of the floor in case of demonic incursion
>be in pitch black
>try to reach my cogitator on my forearm
>CLANG echoes for everyone to be heard
>turn on flashlight
>The Guardsman, the Sisters and I are in a maze of pipes and cables
>this is one of those moments where it's a definite disadvantage to be 8'7"
>"Might have some female serfs somewhere, not sure though, and sure, it gets lonely with only my robots for company"
>Gesture to robots
[Spoiler]Going to rest now, feel free to keep Savage doing shit though[/Spoiler]
>smol enough to move freely
"You look a bit stuck. Chainsword your way through like a jungle."
Also going to sleep, if the Guardsman or the Sisters return feel free to drag me around or whatever, just don't let me get killed, murderfucked, turned into a woman, genestealerised etc
>Standing on the bridge nearby, uncomfortably
>this chick helped blow up that planet earlier, now she's doing this shit?
>What the fuck happened in between
>"So uh... when did you realize the glories of Chaos?"
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"Nah yeah, too fuckin' easy mate."
>Fights against urge to poke the tiddy.
>Remembers that time Davo got blamm'd by the Commissar with the big kahunas back on Bondi Prime.
>Urge is gone. Ah, Commissars. Thank the Emperor for 'em.
>Am now in a plumber's jungle.
>Well fuck. Any of these fuckin' cables could be a snek.
>This calls for my medium-size knife.
>Pulls out machete.
"Yeah nah no way you big fuckers'll not get caught in this shit just gimme a few and I'll get us out quick like a nid drinkin."
>Space Marine and I start to cut a path through the probably sneks in disguise.
"Within the first ten minutes of turning into a woman and going on a murderous rampage. Call within the next ten minutes to recieve two phase dildos instead of one!"
>snorts warp dust
>starts dancing while rubbing herself on the command bridge
>orders her voidsmen to start whipping her
>oxythrone is everywhere
>disco lights and loud music
>Wow, these people go full deviant really quickly
>Despite turning into women, the tzaangors that transformed seem to have stayed loyal to Tzeentch
>Hope I can too
"I'd rather not. Whatever your plans are however, my skills are resources are open to you."
"Ok, get this. I got this crazy idea for a new line of Infomercials to broadcast to the wider imperium selling warp dust. It might be the severe brainwashing but I really want to sell drugs and fuck people."
>get me more warp dust
>fill the rest of my ships with warp dust and we'll sell the immaterium to every home in the segmentum
>Its brilliant
"Sure, why not? At least you're not turning entire planets into voluptuous women. I know a guy that has access to some decent production money for an infomercial."
>Thank Tzeentch she's not going to be turning people into chicks
>Seriously, the only people who got off of that planet without extra estrogen were those Catachans and that Primaris Marine.
"Oh yeah, since I'm new to being a filthy heretic and all, what do you wanna do with ten trillion vox skulls? Is there some cooky dookie magic you can work on them or what?"
>disco disco disco
>more drugs
>runs on a treadmill of spikes
>bdsm session
>starts eating cheesecake
>aggessive workout
> be me, victor Samson
> still fully male crusader.
> finally manage to find the bridge of this ship.
> how the fuck i got here I will never know..
> wait.... what.
> whatthefuckisthis.heresy
"Voidsmen! Give that dickless man a titty! Give him three titties!"
>two daemonettes grab the man and start cutting his nipples off
"Nononono wait, wait... I need to ask him things. What sorts of things would you be willing to buy off a servo-skull? I'm looking to market something anything."
>bite his arm
>hug him
>take a blood sample
>tie him up like a cartoon villian
"Ten... ten trillion vox skulls? Is your entire hold Vox skulls? That's a damn hive planet's population in skulls! I'm surprised you're not a khornate!"
>Clears throat
>This is an opportunity
"Anyways, yes, some magic can be done. I can lay enchantments upon them that will create a discordant tune to dive men to madness, shattering their feeble psyches. Additionally, your new Slaaneshi friends could do a similar thing, but with more um... well, basically what was happening back on the planet, but hopefully without everyone turning into women."

>Sees random crusader
>Also somehow still male.
>How did that happen
"Oh, hello there loyalist dog. You are boned."
>Restrains him with bonds of psychic might
"How in the warp did he get here?"
> be victor samson
> dammit
> its like the convent all over again
> repressedptsd.vox
ummmmmmm...... I.... still have a penis
> please no tits...
> please don't
Looks like your filthy magic is nothing compared to the armour of faith.
"They're former customers I've binded up into service after death thru contracts. Buy my product, please I need more skulls!"
>sarts juggling
>gotta keep doing an excessive amount of things now to keep from becoming a chaos spawn
>tack on like three dicks to his chest
> be victor samson
> watch as the detached dicks fall off his chest.
> look at the nude woman in front of him.
.... what was that supposed to do exactly?
>gets out a stapler
>staple them to his chest
>Watches this kind of stupid display
"I am a master of mutation arts you know. Just ask for something and I can do it, you don't need to resort to a munitorum stapler."
>Kind of funny though
>A tzaagngor offers popcorn
>And regular corn
"Oh yeah, make him a... uh spawn thing that shits cupcakes or something. With 5 tits and half a testicle. But like a titty armchair."
>seriously like some cheesecake cupdoodles
>gotta run up the ceiling now cause its hip af
>start making out with a voidsman
>get bored of that so smack him
>paint on my wall
>bake a cake
>toss cake out cause bored with it
>schedule three parties and an orgy on the calendar
>What the fuck is wrong with this chick? Most Slaaneshis are not like this
>Might be the amount of warp dust she's taking
>When I walked in the room the warp dust took up half the space
>Now there's about 2 grams left in here

"Sorry about this loyalist, but I can't think of a reason not to do this to you."
>Pumps the dude full of warp energy, focusing on the concepts of cupcakes, armchairs, and tits
> be victor samson
> ohhhhhhh shit....
dammit.... this is just like the convent again.
> watch as the staples bounce off his carapace chestpiece.
> wut
ma'am I must ask that you.... don't turn me into a chaos cultist.... I mean I just sort of wound up here after walking through that portal back on the planet, were.... you the one that turned everyone into chicks?
> wait what is he doing
> ohhhhhhhhshiiiiiiiiii
> nothing
>...... wat?
shouldn't I be a blathering horrific monster right now
> tilt head at the woman.
"No. I was the guy who dropped a bunch of oxythrone on the planet. Some strong ass warp magic back there son."
>looks him over
"I'm pretty sure you're already a horrific monster if this magic man can't do anything to you."
>thinks for a moment
>tell him he's an ugly fuck
>shove his face into the remaining warp dust
>try to sell the crusader warp dust
>ask if he wants to play checkers
>just throw the pieces at him instead
>masturbate for the third time that hour
I got my hopes up you were a turbonerd when your first 8 bits actually came out to be “O”
>Stares right at him
"Yeah... you should be a horrific monster right now. Given the fact that you really REALLY should be, you get three options: You pledge your soul to Chaos forever, you turn into a blathering horrific monster right now, or I shoot you in the head."
>Holds up inferno bolt pistol
“You know what. I think you’d be perfect to start selling warp dust to the next planet. Test the market. Something tells me people are going to be turned off by the nudity and purple skin if I try it.”
>reach out to customers
>sell sell sell
“Whaddya say hun?”
> be victor samson.
> welp...
> shit...
> guess I'm gonna die then.
> I mean... I had a good run
> I slaughtered those slaaneshi sisters
> been injured in the service of the emperor more times than I care to count
> and saved more people than I can remember...
> I guess this is it.
> that living saint who bitchslapped me is still an asshole though.
> emperor.... through my actions, you will has been done.
> I come to your side...
> wait.... why does my back hurt all of a sudden
> oh fuck...
> owowowowowow
> everything goes gold for a second, and I swear I see the emperor giving me a thumbs up and grinning.
> then.....
> what the fuck, why am I floating, and what's that flapping..
> sword glows gold and the corruption around me is burned to a crisp..
> look at the one clean viewport of the ship
> holy shit I'm a fucking living saint.
“...YES! Wanna sell warp dust!?”
>don’t know what’s going on
>don’t care
>gonna videovox this guy and sell copies like it’s going out of style
>change wardrobe like three times
> be living saint Victor Samson
> look at the man
> ehhhhhhh.....
I just turned into your literal anathema and you still want me to work for you?
> confusion.vox
>Watches as the man falls down dead
Dude, people don't just randomly turn into intently powerful living saints. Stop it
>gonna make some coffee mugs
>gonna make t-shirts
>gonna sell tickets for people to see this freak
>gonna find a way to hide my unsightly appearance from the public
>gonna worship this slaanesh thing some more
>daemonettes continue putting feathers and tape into the crusader corpse
“Ah advertizing... nope this is retarded, just make him into a skin suit I can wear and blend in.”
> be victor samson
> die in a cyanide induced hallucination.
> it is better to die for the emperor than live for yourself.
> damn.....
"Hmm... wait, let me try something."
>Hocus Pocus
>Hail Satan
>All that nerd shit
>Time rewinds for Victor's body by about a minute
"There we go, should be alive. Maybe. Either way, there shouldn't be any consequences for messing with time."
>Meanwhile, somewhere else, there are consequences for messing with time
>Be me Wors..I mean best Inquisitor of our time.
>Be skulking behind acolyte cloaked as I alway have.
>Gets tired of this and declocks and tapd her on the back.
"Want to take a break?"
>be me
>cutest non Slaanesh sob
>stop for tea
>with lots of cream
>Reveals a somewhat large flask filled with hot brewed tea and untightens the lid.
>Pours her a cup and gives her some small packs of sugar and cream.
>Does the same for himself and sips his tea.
>Why let purging Xeno get in the way of a good relaxing break.EXE
>the most civilized of races
>resplendent humanity
>let nothing interrupt our tea

"So. Clown titan. Everyone was pretty Slaaneshi for awhile. How are we going to find that thing?"
"Follow the gaint balloon Daemons, I suggest we call in Navy support and watch the battle from the sidelines with foods and drinks."
>Totally got this under control.
>Also fuck Titus the little shit.
"Ah. I am a SoB. I would rather like to be in that fight. But I guess being an acolyte brings new responsibilities, doesn't it?"
"Being an Inquistor is great. Until it isn't."
>Be Guardsman
>Be named Steve
>Possess dreadnought sized boobs and an ass to match
>Fucking heretics
"I have no idea what I'm doing more that half the time but i know how to do it."
>Dramatically takes a final sip of the tea.
>Still totally got this.
>Fuck my Father in Law for this job.
"It's really great all the time, even when it is a clusterfuck."
"I doubt that."
>be SoB
>have almost flat chest and smol ass
>in a cute way tho
>only even exist because Slaanesh gave them to me on a fucked planet
>barely even heretical
>be made into acolyte
>guardsman got nothing on me
>Oh hey, it's a bolter bitch
>A smirk enters my lips
>I'm hotter than her~
>Really fucking weird thought because I was a dude like, a day or two ago
>I need fucking therapy
"You've passed the first test, doubt everything."
>I think that's it.
>Be Inquisitor
>Over two hundred years old and still have no idea what I'm supposed to do in this job.
>Been a triple agent almost as long.
>Found a cute SoB on this clusterfuck of a planet and her a Acolyte.
>Totally got this.
>Know what I'm doing 0% of the time but exactly how to do it 100% the time.
>you aren't hotter
>you have hyper inflated body parts
>that is not the definition of hot

>the best part of having a massive flamer
>and your only job to be shoot it roughly where enemy is
>you have to know what you're doing even less than 0%
>really good at knowing 0% of what she is supposed to do but doing it really well
>Thinks she's cute again.
>Headpats again.
"Want to purge the Xeno now or more tea?"
>looks at sleeping crew
"I mean. We could loot some shit and have tea afterwards. I have a heavy bolter now and that has ammo that is harder to find than promethium."
>I'm gonna show you
>Cloaks again.
>Totally unseen but completely heard.
"Let's go looting"
>show me your disgustingly disproportionate mammaries
>so that I may mock you with my perfectly weighted form
>fucking invisibility cloak is creepy
>I want one
>Is that a fucking Loyalist marine
>I didn't even realise there were any here to begin with
>Get the robots to make sure he doesn't assault me
I mean, I can translate binary on my own, it's not that hard really. But since the alphabet is pretty low on the unicode table every MIB is going to be 0
>Draw my power sword, start hacking away at all the cables
>where the fuck are we
>"Guardsman, do you have any idea where on the emperor-damned hulk ee could be? I haven't seen any orks yet and if the orks aren't here then there must be a reason for that"
>Keep looking at Auspex, it seems to be confused
>"What in the goddamn?"
>buncha 'umies tellyportin' on me ship
>really startin' to piss me off
>"wot do ya mean they're in da blackstone fingy"
>"Oi, wazzgob, stop bein' a zoggin little bitch and get down there, no 'umies allowed on me ship!"
>be rouge trading entrepreneur Billy Mays
>fallen to chaos by the whims of some magical realm clown
>gonna sell porno-slates and whatever else that isn’t nailed down
>whip the acolytes into sending the order to the macro-cannons:
>fire more warp horrors and daemons at the space hulk
>Leeds for the lewd god! Drugs for the drug gnome!
>be Warboss Silvatoof ar uk Plotdevoice
>lean into me bosspipe
>"oi lads! Dat space clown dere looks loike proppa loot!"
>tell da mek to make da traktor beams ready
>By gork that fings gotta have lotsa loot on it!
>mfw my ship is getting pulled in by the orks
>mfw I’m going to be selling things to orks
>mfw my first customers as a servant of chaos are gonna be greenskins
>Trying to calm down situation.
>Mention that infighting could really fuck us over right now.
>Metal man says we shouldn't fight
>"I'll only fight if provoked"
>Am I even khornate at this point
>Be hungry khornate
>Voices in head say green food nearby
>Green food will do
>Climb into vent
>be horny
>announce over vox cast that we’re all going to screw the space hulk and convert as many orks as possible to slaanesh’s blessings
>all Khornates encouraged to rape
>make my way through unknown Bowels of ship, Guardsman and Sister Mallory stayed behind to secure a foothold
>No clue where Angela went
>She was supposed to follow me but I rounded this corner and she just kinda didn't
>see massive canyon in front of me
>bunch of vents above
>CLANG in the vents
>Greenskin warcries from below
>Do I still have my grappling hook?
>Fucking Slaaneshis
>I thought they were all dead
Propose a truce to that chaplain until the Fuckers are dead
>Give robots order to hunt for any rapey individuals
>Sit down, I need a rest
>Some big marine below me
>Better food than green food
>Drop out of vent screeching, other hungry things follow me.
“Truce declared then.”
>Mobilize troops to look for any pink pointy fuckers, and not to capture any of their bitches.
>Continue to scrounge around.
>By the Emperor what the fuck is that?
>A Genestealer/Khorne warrior crossbreed abomination?
>there's bunch of Genestealers behind it
>Grab the first Genestealer as it lunges towards and throw it down the cliff
>hear Greenskin filth hollering, seemingly the drop isn't as deep as it looks
>Sister Angela has reappeared, she's unloading her bolter wildly into the horde
>Humanoid abomination makes a dodgeroll out of the way of the bolt rounds
>rolls right into me
>I lose balance, tumbling towards the cliff
>grab him by the forearm, you're coming with me
>push him off of me, see greenskin horde run towards the two of us
>one of them has a really big gun
>start deathwatch.exe
>Marine food not dead, friends gone
>Green food here
>Pick up axe, stand next to marine food
>New hungry friend?
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>Be me.
>Be prisonner in the realm of questionable canocity
>Get fucking millenia of boredom trapped in here.
>Feel so bored and go like "Guess I'll check Warpchan or something I dunno"
>Turns out mortals have actually been doing something all this time.
>Find three threads of actual amusing stuff.
>Decide to break the fourth wall and bump the last, seemingly inactive thread.

Amuse me.
>Be Sorcerer
>Be currently hanging out with an insane Slsaaneshi merchant
>Have nothing better to do
"So is there anything you'd like me to do? I'm an incredibly powerful psyker."
>The tzaangors and rubrics are playing poker.
>The rubrics are winning because they have excellent poker faces
> be victor samson
> awaken from... death
> wait wat?
> find knife hidden up sleeve.
> dejavu.strange
> cut ropes holding me in place
> run faster than a chem dog stealing sororitas panties
> runboyrun.running.
“I dunno, can you reanimate this guy so he can sell things for us since the next system is going to on awards of any spiky bombshells who happen to drop out of warp?”
>no seriously we all look like sex dolls or something
>am I even Billy Mays anymore?
>maybe we can sell voyerism photos for three easy payments of 19.99
“Ima need you to call within the next ten minutes or we’re going to have to give this one testicled man his money back.”
> be me, chaplain marietta alfred
> walk up to brother marine.
> dammit why are my hindquarters and mammaries so large.
> ask the astartes if she has something I can wear.
> armor is pretty much ruined
> by jove i miss my ding a ling.
>man crusader is escaping
“Oh you get back here this instant! After him voidsman!”
>a whole pack of thick thighed purple daemons chase after the reanimated crusader
“Well, he’s reanimated. What now?”
>Tap foot impatiently
>Who has only one ball?
>The abomination is also facing the orks
>shoot a few orks with my bolt rifle, draw sword and prepare for melee
“Summon more bird things, fill the cargo hold with warp dust, and then we’re going to obliterate or corrupt the remaining loyalists on that space hulk!”
>yes yeees the voices are pleased with this
But what are you doing to keep the thread going? Create a character or take over an inactive one, this shit was so fun when it started and it'd be depressing to see it die so fast
>Solidifes warp stuff into narcotic warpdust
>Gets a friend to deliver more Tzaangors. Some of them are of the bird lady variety due to the ducked up Slaaneshi energies in this place
>I’m going to take such a long shower after all this is done
>Start fighting green food
>Marine friend also fight
>Don't hear hungry voices anymore
>Marine friend only friend now.
We’re gonna chase this fucker down a hallway and be Saturday morning cartoon villains
You’re the “just as planned” sorcerer, you do something
>daemonettes continue to chase victor down the slimy filthy halls of the ship
>start mashing buttons on the command console
>maniacal sensual laughter
>servitors begin flooding the room to collect the warp dust and feed it through the ventilation systems of the ship
>set a timed delay for the entirety of systems to be redirected to this task and this task alone
>grab the throttle lever
>punch that shit like my meat
>engines roar to life as the clownish vessel plows into the space hulk
>the air in the room begins to turn pink
>head to the armory to start loading the breaching charges
>gonna commandeer a space hulk and make it a nightclub
>The abomination is fighting pretty well
>might keep him around if he doesn't try to kill me next
>stomp some orks, slice a few into small pieces
>try to re-establish contact with the guardsman and the two Sisters while continuing my job as a xeno purger
>reach Angela, tell her to jump down to me, she's, how do I say this, sufficiently cushioned?
>What the fuck is going with Mallory and that aussie Guardsman
>Wasn't some Inquisitor and another Sororita also lurking around here?
> be victor samson
> running down hallway
> fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
> this is the sororitas convent all over again
> why can't I ever meet any nice women.
> notice boarding tube to.... some kind of ship
> fuck it.
> run through
>Space clown fingy rams me 'ulk
>zoggin knife-ears
>dey wanna board me?
>ya got this one all wrong laddie
>Ah Zog it, I'll do this moiself!
>a servitor stops him at the tube and demands a 20 throne entrance fee
>pink mist starts to empty from the ducts and into the halls
>daemonettes turn the corner
>[high energy dance techno intensifies]
>the warp mist starts to deep into the space hulk
>it’s going to permeate every oriface of the enemy ship
>release the vox skulls
>release the daemonettes
>release the chaos spawn
>release the semen
>release the titty monsters
>release the–
>a pink and purple tide fills the halls of the space hulk
>she turns to the sorcerer
>Be boarding dat fingy with me boyz
>dere's a tube wif some metal git in it
>loadsa pink stuff comin out of it
>stuff smells like dat white goo those spoiky 'umies spread everywhere
>shoot da metal git
>'umie behind 'im
>pull trigger again
>Has sealed self in an airtight room to avoid the lewd energies. Speaks through a vox link

>Oh hey, Orks are here. I wonder if they’ll start growing tits too.
>Dear Tzeentch I need to get out of here
>Run to catch Sister Angela
>really just wanna touch her "assets"
>she jumps and lands in my arms
>want to set her down when suddenly
>Craftworld attaches boarding tubes to Space Hulk
>warp dust flows out from them
>Hold Sister Angela in my arms, she's not wearing a helm and I need her as support not as a coked up burden
>also if she gets any thiccer she's not gonna be able to fight anymore
>Friend running, I follow
>It's carrying person food
>Pink dust in air, hear voice screaming in head.
>Pink dust in air, fucking Slaaneshis
>Suggest to Necron that we should probably leave
>Contact the fleet, tell them to prepare the cleansing weapons
>be slave to chaos
>this sorcerer Magic’s up some warp dust
>it’s not even the good warp dust
>just the regular warp dust
>sweet prince the walls aren’t even melting!
>oxidized warp dust floats through the room
>the daemonettes are dancing
>the walls are shaking
>out in the space hulk the daemonettes are grabbing orks, slicing orks
>getting reduced to warp dust by orks
>and slowly starting to turn the green tide
>Pauses for a moment to shore up the door.
“Find out what?”
>The Tzaangors have gathered corn
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> be victor.
> get stopped at entrance as slaanesh fully takes over the ship
> fuckmylife.vox
> At this point I just want to find somewhere and eat a damn sandwich.
> see orks boarding the ship
> youvegottabefuckingkiddingme.litany
> realize that the orks are out of bullets
> realize I'm not.
> see deathwatch marine carrying bimbo sister.
> sprint after them, hellpistol in one hand, power claymore in the other.
> mfw the consecrator can suck my fucking nuts
> mfw I might just live to finally eat a fabled submarine sandwich
>Be me.
>Be hopeful overlord.
>Where there’s sex there’s bitches.
>Lead counter invasionary force to liberate some hoes.
>Onwards to women!
>be kriegswoman
>be wearing gas mask
>be safe from pink warp dust mist
> be chaplain Marietta Alfred
> great scott these hooligans
> bash a daemonette over the head
> discipline another one with a firm tanning of her heretical hindquarters
> crush another's clitoris with the pointed tip of my cane.
> istillgotit.cheers
> lift up overlord
> place him on my shoulder
> y'allain'ttouchinmahman.waitwut.
>Be Sister Gwyndolin
>Be without helmet
>Fuck shit Emperor damn it!
>Can feel heretical energies inside me
>Not fucking again! I do not need this armor refitted again!
>Start running around hysterically
>Emperor preserve me
>hey gurl let’s dance and get really really high
> be me, Victor samson
> notice woman running around without a helmet on
> carry extra respirator for occasions such as this
> seriously fuck those slaaneshi sisters
> youfuckskilledmybrother.grudge
> grab the woman and slam the respirator onto her face.
> sheathe my power claymore
> grab her by the hand
> runbitchrun.vox
>Be riding Classy Bitch.
>Direct mob of ‘crons to push into the clown ship and capture some hoes, providing fire support with warscythe.
>Be Sister Gwyndolin
>The drugs are talking to me
>Stop talking to me drugs
>I don’t want to have a good time!
>Wait, why would I not want to have a good time?
>Good times are the Emperor’s times of course
>Doing the Emperor’s work
>He wants us to be happy...
>I breathe in deeply of the wonderful mist...
>Suddenly respirator over face
>Wtf was I doing?
>Handsome crusader saved me
>My hero.jpg
>Be hoes on Slaanesh ship
>We’re all doing drugs and making out
>Suddenly a shiny guy with a big stick shoes up
>He looks pretty cool
>Invite him to partake in the drugs and orgies
>Also offer a makeover
>He needs to accessorize more
>I know a great nail polish that would totally fit him
>Find a absolute legion of hoes.
>It’s like goddamn Christmas!
>Tell hoes that this ship, and everything on it, is now mine, including them.
>Also command that they seize control and capture more hoes.
> be me, chaplain Marietta Alfred
> proceed to slam my cane into another's most sacred spot
> she squeals and goes down
> slam my hand down on another's rear
> lifeisgood.happiness
> sadism.kinky
> point to my lord
> bludgeon another ruffian hussy who doesn't know her place
> backhand another to the floor
> be me Victor samson
> keep running away from the legion of crazy cunts
> sororitas in tow
> could she go any slower?
> getthosestarsoutofyoureyesandrun.screaming
> fuck this
> haul her into a bridal carry
> run even fucking faster
> I've carried an ork and a horse
> dontasklongstory.ptsd
> this ain't nothing
> why is she blushing?
> oh god please tell me she's not already corrupted.
>Be The hoes
>Takes some more drugs
>Ooh, torture, kinky
>Say sure, we’ll work for you
>Slaanesh is for everyone, not just us
>Spread the love!
>Though finding more hoes might be a problem
>It’s basically just us and the daemonettes here.
>Maybe if you btought in some orks or Sisters we could make them into hoes?
>We used to be guardsmen I think
>Tell Classy Bitch to calm the fuck down.
>Ain’t no need for violence.
>Run deeper into the Blackstone fortress lodged into this space hulk
>the orks seem to be scared of this place
>air not clouded with Warp Dust here
>set down Sister Angela
>See another Guardsman with a pretty thick Sister in trail, she's almost Angela's size
>I didn't realize every single Sister became a Bimbo during that Clusterfuck
>her armor seems to fit well though, must have gotten it refitted somehow
> be chaplain marietta Alfred
> i have displeased my lord
> take him off shoulders and bow deeply to him
my humblest apologies sire. I fully understand if you should choose to end my life for such a blatant slight against you.
> I will discipline these bitches someday
> my lord shall have all the bitches in the galaxy
> even if I must spend the next twenty million years paddling them all into submission.
>Bitch the fuck?
>The fuck is this?
>What the fuck is going on?
>Lead army of ‘crons and bitches throughout ship to capture more hoes.
>Can't let these Necrons have all the fun
>Order robots to kidnap anyone who looks relatively useful and doesn't fight back
>Walk into the drug club ship
>Start smacking people out the way, looking for whoever started this shitshow, or that bookfucker I said I'd help
>Still following new friend
>Still hungry
>Maybe he has food
> follow the lord through the ship
> see lord savage fighting the people as well
> I'llbebackforyou.ahnald
> However, for now you shall live.
> I owe my lord my life after all
> lifedebtsmustberepayed.honor
>Be Not Book fucker
>Be hiding in airtight room.
>I think the Necrons are running out of “hoes” out there
>Offer up gifts to Pimpcron
>The enchanted pimp cane of Slaanesh
>The feathered hat, purple of course
>The bling of Lsanesh, purple and gold
>Then go out to find more hoes
>There’s not many in here actually
>He found us in the main hoe chamber
> finally stop running deep within....
> where the fuck even is here?
> gently set sister down on the floor.
Apologies for picking you up so rudely miss, are you well.
> bow to the group I find myself with
I am Crusader Victor Samson, attache to the catachan II, it is a pleasure to finally lay eyes on fellow loyalists.
>Try and vox call the Tzeentchian
>"Want a ride out of here?"
>Still smacking up some thots
>See the necron and his marine friend
>Nod at them before continuing on my way
>Thank Tzeentch, normal people
“Yes, get me away from here. All the lewd energies are constantly trying to turn me into a woman.”
>New humans arrive
>Still hungry
>Point at them
>He's alive
>"Where are you?"
>Hope he has a plan, otherwise we're pretty fucked.
>Peeks out of the door
>Absolutely disgusting
>Slams door shut
“In a room near the bridge. There’s some type of orgy going on outside it.”
>pounding on the outside of the airtight room are several hundred Daemonettes and the greater Daemon of Shamwow
>now fully in control of the body that was once Billy Mays
>the room starts to shake
>Be Sister Gwyndolin
>This Guy is really fucking strong
>And also quite handsome
“T-thank you sir. If you had not come along, I would have been lost to a haze of heresies.”
>Those gasses have left me flustered.
>Emperor only knows how many have been lost to them
>Screaming into Vox

>The Tzaangors start I barricade the room with corn
> blush
u-ummm it was nothing madam.... I have.... seen what happens to those of the sororitas when they fall in such a manner.....
> shudder slightly
> poor william
> wound up as a pile of entrails and a raging boner.....
> repressedmemories.ptsd
it..... is not a fate I would wish upon anyone.
> cough.
a-anyway. Are you injured? Do you require a weapon of some kind?
>Start running towards bridge, call up the thunderhawk alongside
>Shoulderbarge anything out of the way
>Turn on shoulder mounted flamers
>a hole breaks through the steel frame and a long pink arm reaches through
“Billy Mays here with an exciting new product sure to electrify!”
>the arm unlocks the door and it swings open to reveal a horned busty pink woman wielding a large three foot cyan club in the shape of a very lumpy dong pulsating with electricity
>pink mist begins to engulf the room
“Three easy steps, remove the helmet, force it down, and be amazed!”
>Sees some slaaneshi daemon about to rape the sorceror
>I wont stand for this shit
>Stick a breaching charge to it's back
>Grab sorceror
>Run for the bridge window
>"Brother Ephraim, Kill Team Gamma Crucifix of the Deathwatch. Came here when this clusterfuck started with the mechanicus dig. Was originally focusing on purging Xenos but when the heresy started spreading I tried my very best to keep the innocent Sisters pure, with uhm.... mixed results"
>fucking Gwellian, what a damn shame that she became a heretic
>then again she would've probably become a penitent if her exorcism had been successful
>"Pleasure to meet you to, and that thing lurking in the shadows is some Khornate/Genestealer mix abomination, I've intentionally left it alive because it fought well and hasn't tried to kill me yet"
>Most of the tzaangors are turned into chicks
>I do not, because I have a sealed helmet and am using a lot of power to protect myself
>Luckily for me, Tzaangors are weird
>Even with busty boobs, flawless faces, and junk in the trunk, they remain 7 foot tall bird-goat-women wielding enchanted swords
>The tzaagnors charge the daemons, chopping away
"Um, yes, the fate that has befallen my fallen sisters is..."
>Kind of hot?
>What I secretly deep down desire and know to be what the Emperor wishes for us all?
"...truly tragic. And I do require a weapon. I had to abandon my previous one because it was covered in... fluids."
> nod at the man
> offer my hand to shake
> angels of the emperor are always good to have
> theemperorprotects.litany
A pleasure brother Ephraim, I'm sure you did all you could.
> smile sadly behind his helmet.
All we can do now is ensure the safety of those saved.
> he reaches into his belt and withdraws his hotshot laspistol, and hands it to the sister.
Here, it has served me well for quite some time now, you are most likely a better shot with it than I.
>Detonate breaching charge, hole blown in daemon, thing's still standing though
>Gesture to thunderhawk outside the window
>"Ready to leave?"
>Jumps on with the Tzaangors and rubrics
>Takes the gun
"So, I must ask, why are you two not currently women?"
>Emperor I wish they were
"I saw even a chaplain, the Emperor's voice among the Astartes, be effected by the heretical magics."
>the Daemon reveals the rest of its arms, eight in total each sporting some ghastly electric sexually oriented weaponry
“Order now while supplies last and we’ll quadruple your order! We’ll even throw in a new acolyte of slaanesh absolutely free!”
>an electro lasso wraps around the son of Magnus
>a free arm rips the explosive from her back and tosses it down the hall
> rub back of head
> laugh slightly
I.... do not know actually.... someone tried to turn me into a couch with five penises twenty minutes ago.... and that failed as well.
> shrugs shoulders.
I wish I could tell you.
>Order pilot to take him/her back to the fleet
>Got a score to settle
>Draw chainaxe and pistol
>Look at daemon
>lash out with anal beads
>whip with other arm
>dong with the third
>aim for crotch with lube
>Slowly retreat towards window.
>Throw my entire bandolier of krak grenades at the thing
>Try and shoot the arm holding the sorceror off
>Struggle to fend off the other arms with my chainaxe
>Call all the robots to my location, where the fuck where they anyway?

>shake hands with the Crusader, he seems to be an alright guy
>"I don't know either, Sister. Something about bsing incorruptible, the emperor grants strange blessings and when the mechanicus fiddles with his work it's sure to only get stranger"
>"When and where did you get your armor refitted Sister? My companion, Sister Angela as well as another Sister who came here with me would be in dire need of such a refit"
>I'm still genuinely surprised at how much Angelas suit could stretch, she was already a sizeable woman when I first met her, but at this point I'm pretty certain her suit should have ripped open at every seam, especially up top and at the bottom as well as around her thighs
>What the hell are those suits even made of?
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> having finished shaking hands with the astartes
> he offers a hand to help the sister to her feet
> notice how.... proportionate the sister is.
> damn..
> shesgotagreatass.fact
> don't vocalize these thoughts.
Now that’s not very nice. You turbofaggot
>drop the sorcerer
>lose two other arms
>scream in terror
>daemonettes swarm the traitormarine
>Shout for the sorceror to run
>Start running
>Robots turn up
>Tell them to hold off the pink daemons
>Be sorcerer
>Be run
>the fine grains of the immaterium continue to seep into every hole
>every wound could become an entry point for corruption
"What is your task here, Crusader? I boarded the Hulk because killing Xenos is my only purpose, but what brings you here? Were you on the planet when these terrible mutations took place?"
>Can't say I didn't enjoy it at least a little bit
>I'm sure the emperor had a hand in this, it's undeniable the sisters who remained pure are blessed and not cursed
>Clear your mind Ephraim, there's more pressing issues at hand
>For example the fact that we're in a place even the Greenskins are scared of
>something I didn't even think was possible
>what might lurk in those gloomy passages?
>the warp dust collects inside the robots messing with the components and turning them into girls
>Get onto the thunderhawk
>Push serf out of pilot seat
>Ready engines and start firing at the daemons/(wo)men of iron
> he sighs
I was.... there yes, in all honesty this bullshittery is normal for me. I sprinted through the warp gate and wound up on the clown craftworld, however.... I was.... immune to its effects for some reason. I was almost killed by the daeomons aboard, yet somehow managed to escape, and now find myself in your company. After stopping to save the sister of course. What crusader would I be if I left someone to die?
>Be me.
>Be surprised, now bejeweled overlord.
>Instinctively backhand the new arrival with cane hand.
>Investigate new arrival.
>Oh god, what the hell is this.
>Blast it multiple times with warscythe, atomizing it.
>Go back to fighting hostile hoes and capturing friendly ones.
"I see, you truly are fulfilling your emperor-given purpise here"
>Signal him to follow me, turn on my flashlight so the others can see
>would use night vision but I'd be blinding myself with the flashlight
>venture further into the ancient halls of this blackstone fortress
> watch as cunt is vaporized into nothingness
> what the fuck was that?
> godemperorImfuckingsoakedrightnow.lewd
> turn to now newly feminized women of iron
well then.....
> lift up overlord by throat.
> kiss his faceplate
> drop him and blush at such unladylike behavior
m-my humblest a-a-apologies your lordship.
> how lewd of me
> i must flog myself for this misstep.
>The hoes fall in line fairly easily, and as they do, you feel pimp power fill your metallic body
>Unfortunately, the hoes are finite
"Mister Overlord, you're looking fine!"
>The hoes give you a purple overcoat lined with the fur of endangered animals, marks of Slaanesh embroidered into it
>Fuck that.
>Burn off all the Slaaneshi markings on my new gear with gauss power, replace it with etchings of my newest, bitching dynasty.
>Realize that my ring finger got a bit stretched out in the firefight and frenching, which I would rather ignore.
>Push it back in, go back to fighting.
Yeet, bitch. Necrons are immune to warp fuckery. Canon shit you know.
and you're a threadwrecker
>Still me
>Saved sorceror
>Flying back to the fleet
>Order they open fire on the mess that wr just left
>Watch the lance-fire start cutting up the ships
>Escort hoes back to space hulk as the fire begins, escaping just in time to watch it go down.
>Wish I had it though, would have done some remodeling.
[Spoiler] I meant we left the clown ship and went back to the space hulk as the clown ship went down. No one is firing.
Oops, deleted it
>Hear a bunch of explosions
>apparently the clown ship exploded or something
>Everything is so dark here
>Are all the people I was with even there anymore?
>Still Khornate Genestealer
>Heard shaking
>Friend still here
>Step out of shadows
>"Where go now?
>Still Sister Gwyndolin
>Shift uncomfortably in armor
>That mist changed my proportions slightly
>Barely fit into the even modified armor
>Needs adjustments
>Need to strip down, and adjust some parts of this armor
>Hopefully the marine and the crusader strip down too
>Slap self on face
>Wait, no
>Admiring the physique of such exemplars of Imperial might is not heretical
>Yes, that makes sense
"*Sigh*... if only they'd been affected like everyone else."
>And as it appears it did.
>Watch the burst of colors.
>Now it’s time to loot the rest of this goddamn lump of scrap.
>Still loving my job.
>The marks come back because warp magic
"Oh Master, don't worry 'bout those marks. The Prince of Pleasure is an ally to your larger goal, and you can't even get any fun bits out of it! I mean, if it weren't for Slaaensh, we couldn't have been your hoes!"
>Fuck this.
>Fuck this Subspace-Hell bullshit.
>Burn off the marks again, mark my own shit on top of it, again.
>The marks come back
> what?
> turn to sister
Sister.... did you.... say something?
> tilts head...
> what?
> confusion.
>Throw this shit at a nearby Necron, tell him to bring it to a Cryptek to get it unmarked and remarked with the dynasty’s mark.
>The coat kind of just gives up and rearranges its markings so that the dynasty marks stand out heavily against the faded background marks of Slaanesh
>It's a coat, it's looking for a compromise here
>Slightly startled
"Oh, I, uh... well, I had observed the Marines that had been turned female by the foul curses of the warp, and was musing on their beauty. Even struck by corruption, they maintained faith and fervor. It makes me wonder why he did not create female astartes in the first place."
>Sweet Emperor, I wish that marine was affected like the rest, the crusader too
> ah
> yes.... that
Sister... the emperor, did try to make female astartes, however, as the story goes, their genetics were incompatible with his own, and they wound up as.... things that were better left unsaid.
> sighs
> then notices the armor seems a little bit.... tight on her.
Were.... you affected by this as well sister?
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>Be me
>Be Imperial Guardsman
>Sleep in closet because fuck you I do what I want that isn't heretical
>Closet shakes
>Wakes up
>Closet shakes more violently
>Ok what the fuck
>Purple aura appear
>Wait what
>Purple aura flashes and everything is stabilized
>Grabs long-las and steps out
>mfw realizing this is not the bunker
>See >>62691978 and >>62692086 in front of me
Hey where am I?
"Hello there Guardsman, you're in a Space Hulk. I'm Brother Ephraim of the Deathwatch, that right there is my company, Sister Angela of the Order of the Golden Light"
>the rest will hopefully introduce themselves
"Affected? Yes, very briefly. Thank the Emperor it was not enough to force me into an entirely new set of armor."

>Hears voice
>Shouts back
"Have you been affected by heretic energies that either turned you into a woman or increased the size of your, erm, assets if you already were?"
"Because that happened to a lot of people recently!"
>Scratch off and replace any other non-dynasty markings, and see if I can change the purple and pink to silver and green.
>Looks up at you in awe
Oh my, by the throne, an astarte
>Gets yell at >>62692409
What um
>Check chest (no boobs)
No I don't think so-
>Check this inside of pants
>Shock face
>Point to the inside of pants
Yeah everything is normal but the SIZE of my "assets".
It's abnormally big for a guy like me.
>Is slightly disappointed
>And slightly intrigued
> facepalm
Samuel that's a lie and we both know it.
> dammit man.... why must you attempt this.
and why the fuck are you still sleeping in a closet, don't you have your own room aboard the Mater Lupa?
"How about we stop doing a dick measuring contest when it's dead obvious whose gonna who's gonna win? We're still on a dmaned Space Hulk, surrounded by Orks and Slaaneshi influence"
>This sister is a naughty girl
>Points too pants
1. I can show what the warp did to my "assets" if you want me too.
2. Is it heresy to sleep in the closet sir?
>Salutes to you
Yes sir, sorry sir.
Any ideas sir.
>a large gathering of pink orks with tits chargers through the halls
>firing sluggas and shootas
>letting their disgusting wrinkled tits hang out
> oh.... right. that
soooo...... run?
> there is no way I'm fighting fucking slaaneshi orks without proper support.
> draw power claymore anyway.
> fighting might be the safe bet.
>most of the breathable air within the space hulk is filled with warp dust
>anyone not relying on a rebreather will have the uncontrollable urge to dance
>hallucinations will follow
>slaaneshi units become friendly while dancing
>Fires long-las a orks
I'm sorry but since when did orks had tits?!
> fuck it.
> chuck three throwing knives at the orks, three of them die.
> charge towards them, power claymore in hand.
Would it be bullshit if I said that my helmet came with yellow tinted goggle and a mask.
"Open fire! Slayer the foe with Blade and Gun alike! For the Emperor!"
>Hand Sister Angela my bolt rifle, she'd probably have a hard time fighting Orks in melee with proportions that would make a Greater Daemon of Slaanesh turn green out of envy

nah mate it's fine, if you don't wanna have your character dragged into something you're not commited to and didn't willingly bring him into you can always make up some Deus Ex Machina. If you willingly interact with another player then stand straight for the consequences, but someone simply forcing a fate onto your char is shitty and bad RP manners
For the Emperor!
>Fires long-las more accurately

You could of said yes, no need to make feel me like an asshole, asshole
i mean you’re gay about it but yeah
Hey woah I didn't say anything mean my guy
>Charge into the horde of orks, spin around with my blade
>slice and dice like a street food chef
>these pink Greenskins... that can't be right?... well whatever they are are fucking disgusting
>oh my Emperor there's Daemonettes in the distancd
>There's a particularly large one amongst them
>not this shit again
>Fires while falling back
>Female orks
>They don’t even have sexes
>But now there’s female orks
“It is a sign from the Emperor! A sign! What does it mean!?”
>it means breathe in the pink mist that covers everything
>Keeps kill titty orks with long-las
The hell are you taking about. Like the God Emperor himself would send such a grotesque message to us.
Sir what should we do?

Oh ok
> notice the warp dust all around
> charge the ork
> swing the sword and bisect two orks with the power claymore.....
> get grabbed by the helmet
> fuckingshit.panic
> ork starts to squeeze.
> attempt to free my head.
> hear a crack as the helmet breaks
> get chucked into a wall
> helmet breaks in half, this was the straw that broke the camel's back
> fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
> fucking shit.
>the orks start lobbing squig beer as they fire
>seemingly in random directions
>they’re even more inaccurate than regular orks
>they’re all dancing
Warp d-
>Catches whiff of warp dust
>Starts to dance
Why the fuck am I dancing?!
>This is the will of the Emperor
>Not the insane thoughts of a daemon influenced madwoman who killed a sister of Battle and stole her armor
“We must breathe in the mist! They will ignore us if we smell like them, and our faith will protect us from any corruption!”
>run over to crusader Samson, his rebreather is broken
>Oh Emperor how do I unfuck this?
"Guardsman, come over here! Pick him up and find a place with clean air! We'll hold the line and follow when you have found a suitable location!"
> fuuuuuuuuuck
> dammit dammit dammit
> fuckyouslaanesh.loyalist
Brother it.... is too late for me.... please... I can still fight
> pick up power claymore
> chestplate is too restricting.
> cannot wear it any longer.
> fuck this
> throw it to the side.
No sir, grab >>62693600 she becoming nuts
I'll distract them with my dancing.
>Starts to do the disco
Oh by the throne why?
“I shall assist you! For the Emperor!”
>Starts fighting, nearly immideately “loses” her rebreather
>Breathing very heavily as she chops up ork flesh
>be quiet kriegswoman
>see this crusader turn into a busty woman
>what is this pink shit?
>completely ignore her
>save one that begins to embrace her into a waltz
> grabs rebreather shoves it back onto her face
> swing sword, decapitating yet another ork.
>We need to find the cause!
>Lead all the bitches, hoes, and gents I can find to find the source and stop it.
Sir please help them, I'll distract these xeno scum with my dancing
For the emperor
Hello ladies which one of y'all wanna dance till we drop?
>Dance as best as he can with the influence of the warp dust
Come on I best a can beat all over y'all in a dance competition.
>the gas seems to be coming from the destroyed slaaneshi craftworld’s boarding tubes
>silently draws her shovel
“You are out of line soldier!”
>Grabs >>62693943
>Does the salsa with her
>Whisper in her ear: Woman I'm trying to distracted them, you see the space marine, go with him, now
>Twirls her to space marine
Come on you greenskins, are is this dance battle too much for y'all, don't me you're being bested by a humie.
>Cocky face
>vox-amplified yell
>Sister Gwyndolin should snap out of it if she thinks there's heretics to purge
>as for the Crusader
>well I mean he(she?) is still fighting, we can sort out the whole growing tits thing later
>oh shit apropos growing tits
>what about Sister Angela
>rushes off to find the nearest artillery position to call upon these coordinates at the soldier’s request
>soldier we are on a space ship
>follows space marine
>Begrudginly puts the rebreather back on as the armor reaches its limit

“Join the party already! The Emperor intends for his servants to have amazing chests!”
> awaken from being rendered unconscious by the force of the doom music.
> see breezy doing the salsa
> see her run off.
> follow her.
> fire at the orks over the shoulder with bolter.
“The only Heresy here is that you’re not breathing deeply of this air! The Emperor will protect us as we use the enemy’s weapons against them!”
>Stabs an Ork in the face
Oh by the
>Do some awesome flips to>>62694079
>Dances with her
>Whispers in ear:Space marine, follow him, Now
>Twirls her to Breezy
>Flips back to center of attention
>Spot light come out of nowhere
>Starts dance like Michael Jackson
>Fight through the crowd with kill team of crons.
>Head through the boarding tunes and follow the pink dust.
>I’m gonna have to slap a bitch, aren’t I?
>Be emotionless necron warrior
>Be stalking through pink mist with overlord
>Reach a slightly clearer area, still a bunch of mist
>Looks down
>How do metal tits even HAPPEN!
> sprint after the space marine like a bat out of hell.
> throw breezy over her shoulder
they don’t. Necrons are immune to warp shit.
>rebreather still secure
>environment outside remains hostile
>zero protocols allow removal
>be already busty Kriegswoman
>Grabs a female ork
>Make her dance
>Once dancing on her own I grab another one and repeat
>Soul: By the throne why these things have tits, and why do they have to be all droopy and wrinkly, I swear if this is all for nothing.
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> swinging swords in rhythmic motions.
> flymetothemoon.bayonetta
> why do I feel hot.
> look at gwyndolin..
> damn.... she's got a nice ass
> feel the urge to make out.
> later
> dance of death continues
> (looks like something a busty dark eldar would do, but details.)
>don’t know how to dance at all
>the marine doesn’t seem to be going anywhere
>the mist is whispering about dancing
>what is dancing
>I am kriegswoman
>begin shovel bashing female orks as the fire at her
>they’re weaker than normal orks it seems
>Chop chop copping the orks
>Blood sprays in fascinating patterns
>Perfectly framing Samson for a moment
>Feel the urge to make out
>Dance of death continues
>Soul: Why is she
>Soul: Wait this could work
>Grabs female ork
>Make then dance
>When distracted by the want of dancing twirl them to kriegswoman leaving them open for the bashing
>Grab another ork (repeats)
Oh come on, why fight her when you can all dance.
>Soul: And then be twirled to you demise
>the ork hoard begins to dissipate
>some orks seem to be running off to chase phantoms
>one is making out with the wall
>another is trying to chop off its own leg
>the orks mostly ignore those affected by the warp dust
>the marine and Kriegswoman seem to be some of their main targets
>Cue fun killing necrons stealing all these orks to help in the charge.
>Man I love being a dick.
>Getting bitches? That’s even better.
>Both? Hell yeah.
>holy shit someone get me an autoshovel
>Be necron
>With tits
>Literally no idea
>Necrons and necrodermins is immune to warp nonsense
>So how are there boobs on chest?
>No idea
>Just a warrior
>Basically mindless
> using their distraction to hi- her advantage she decapitates more of them.
> snapping necks, punching newly made clits, and slicing and dicing
> all whilst swaying sensually
> damn I'm good.
>Still dancing and still distracting orks making them easy to kill.
>Soul: Please kill them quickly I don't want to dance anymore, my muscles are tired, the warp dust is not letting the relax.
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>tfw the Slaaneshi taint was too much for Dark Eldar to stay
>Be me
>Autarch Belamyn Ytharl
>leading the last survivors of the Craftworld Hugivs’afuk
>According to our remaining Farseers there is only one hope to cleanse our Craftworld
>The legendary cleaning power of Oxythrone
>Luckily they have detected a huge concentration nearby
>Unfortunately it is on a Slaaneshi vessel currently being boarded by Orks
>I doubt my warriors would be capable of this task
>We lost far too many in our fight from the webway gate to this vessel.
>There are some untainted Mon-Keigh aboard the tangled mess of ships
"Attention Mon-Keigh, I am Autarch Belamyn Ytharl of the Craftworld Hugivs’afuk. My warriors and I require your assistance for a most urgent task. We seek to destroy a threat to both our peoples and thus seek an alliance. In return for your aid we will rescue you from the clutches of She Who Thirsts."
>Some Eldar are giving us a booty call
>Neat. I wonder how the hell they're broadcasting this?
>We don't have fucking voxcasters
"Hey, I don't know if you can hear this, but you probably don't want to come near here unless you want massive tits!"
>Actually, wait, big titty eldar is a good thing
"On second thought, get on over here! Leave your helmets at home, air in here is amazing! Like sea breeze and pine!"
>the master of oxythrone has now been fully converted, but cannot resist making a sale
> turn and raise an eyebrow at the woman....
> god I want to make out with her right now
> waitwut.confusion
> meh fuck it.
> grab the woman by the back of her head
> pull her into a kiss
> what the fuck am I doing?
> the orks don't give a shit
> stab sword into female ork body,
> grab handful of ass with other hand.
>What mission?
>Who cares
>Kiss kiss
>Shoot orks in face with free hand
>Weird day
>be me
>Autarch Belamyn Ytharl
>The only Mon-Keigh we could reach via remote methods are hopelessly corrupted.
>Time to do this the old fashioned way
>Be Savorius
>Be watching this shit show via crystal ball
>The tzaangors have brought popcorn
>And regular corn
>This shit is getting out of control
>Like REALLY out of control
"Birds! Get my stick! The dangerous one!"
>That's going to take awhile
>We put it away somewhere hard to get
>In the meantime
>Popcorn, and also resisting the constant mental assault of Slaaneshi daemons trying to turn me back into a chick
>If you want blue chicks with tits go pick on some tau
>bust down the door to the room
>Kick down the other door into the room with the squad-turned-army.
>Demand who is responsible for the pink dust and all the feminization bullshit.
>Still (Force) dancing
Great even more xeno scumbags, its the arrogant one as well.
Sir please help
>The fucking daemon bursts into here
>After me and the Khornate escaped it and fled to his own shit
>And now some fucking necrons and a shit ton of hoes are here?
>Weren't they on the fucking space hulk?
>How the fuck did they get here!
>Be Canoness Helga of the Order of the Golden Light
>Responsible for all the horny girls/borderline Schola dropouts on Tiddius Majoris
>Well, I WAS until those knife-eared Eldar bastards managed to let Slaanesh get involved
>Now most of the Sisters either have a bosom and buttocks that make that make top-heavy newbie Mallory look normal by comparison, are dead, or worshiping the damn Warp Powers
>I have the first problem
>Also, Tiddius Majoris got bombarded from orbit for the unstoppable heresy
>Made it off in an Arvus lighter, landed on the space hulk following my fellow Imperial brethren to purge the Xenos and the Heretic
>Its full of Warp dust.
>Oh Throne, it's the Innocence VI disaster all over again!
>Should've brought a second flamer for this heresy
>Put my mask on and start moving through the hulk, burning everything that moves

>Spot Sister Gwyndolin and a... feminized Crusader making out while dancing and killing Orks
>Take in deep breath, turn the vox amplifier on mask to maximum volume, and yell in full-tilt drill sergeant mode:
>Yell so loud the female Orks near me flee in terror

OP of the original thread that got this all kicked off here. Didn't expect this thread to go on for much longer, but I love where you've taken things. Do continue!
>feminization bullshit?
>what feminization bullshit?
>its just drugs in the air
>no idea where he's getting feminization
>try to sell him shamwow
>Bitch acknowledged the pink shit in the air.
>Tell all my cunts with guns to coordinate fire on this motherfucker while I charge.
>I shall deliver the backhand of banishment!
>nigga aint buying my wares
>charge my daemonettes!
>start throwing warp dust at the robots
>air becomes so thick with drugs its difficult to see
>start snorting every other fistful
>dash off at junkie speed into the night
>Hear >>62696088
>Still dancing
Is that the voice of a Sister of Battle, sweet Holy Terra we're saved.
>Soul: Naw shit it's the Bolter Bitches, we're saved but they're crazy remembered, play it cool
>All the orks leaves
>Soul: Oh sweet they all left
>Leave squad behind as I pursue the coward.
>Druggie bitch gon didn’t tonight!
>be me
>Autarch Belamyn Ytharl
>We have boarded the Space Hulk
>The air here is permeated by some strange warp dust
>Our Soulstones and the efforts of the Farseers and Warlocks among us seem to be protecting us for now
>Sees two guardians in the rearguard fucking
>Well most of us
>Move to separate them
>An earsplitting cry of Waagh echoes down the corridors

>Be female Harakoni Warhawk lieutenant.
>Armor check.
>"I am fortifying this position."
>Still dancing
Why are they back?
>See >>62696197
Why are these thing here.
Why can't I stop dancing.
Emperor help me please.
>let me help you with that
>orks are dead or gone and these damn xenos are coming this way
>man the trenches
> wait what the fuck was I....
> I didn't
> aw shit... it's a fucking canoness
> oh shit she's a milf
> milfy canoness
> on a slaaneshi infested ship
> oh fucking shit
> notice a dancing ork appear behind the canoness.
> chuck a throwing knife at him
> welp
> its dead
> but I think her breathing mask is fucked up
> warp dust leaking in.
> awwwww shit.
> draw sword, and bring Gwyndolin close.
> point sword at woman...
> knees shaking
> fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
>beats the exhausted crusader over the head with her shovel
>Still dancing
I would help you, but as you can see here, I can't stop dancing.
No really I can't.

>"Good thing I dragged this mortar down from orbit."
> ow
> dammit breezy
> whirl around sword in hand
> one of the handles accidentally connects with the respirator tube of her mask
> it breaks loose
> fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
> welp I'm bleeding from the head
> and both of these two have just had their re-breathers breached, by me, on accident.
> theemprahhatesme.despair.
>The war party comes across a Mon-Keigh in the thrall of Slaaneshi sorceries
>Raise my pistol to put it out of its misery
>even animals deserve mercy
>Still dancing
>Swiftly kick it in the crotch so hard the armor cracked a little
Die xeno scum

>Be Canoness Helga
>Did that Crusader skank just throw a knife at me?!
>Look back and see that there's a dead ork behind me
>Guess she wasn't trying to kill me after all
>wait, why do I smell
>check rebreather
>its damaged
>I'm breathing in warp dust
>God-Emperor damn it, this really IS turning into Innocence VI all over again
>Make a silent prayer to try and keep the heretical energies from flowing through my body
>Doesn't work as well as I'd hoped
>Starting to feel light-headed and increasingly perverted
>Stomp over to Crusader and grab her by the collar
>"You... You... follow me..."
>Drag both her and Sister Gwyndolin into an area of the hulk that's not completely saturated by Warp dust, motioning for the busty Kriegswoman to follow me

Is the OP for this thread still around? Someone should probably start getting a new thread ready.
>Still dancing
>See war band that saw kick >>62696728 in the crotch
>Soul: Imma proceed backwards real quick
>Back flips to >>62696427 position
>The corrupted Mon-Keigh kicks me in the pelvis with enhanced strength
>I think it thinks I'm a man
>Shoot him with my fusion pistol
>The warparty continues towards the uncorrupted Mon-Keigh

Maybe we should move to /qst/ at this point
>>62696867 shoots at me while back fliping
>Sticks the landing near Breezy
>Continue dance
>Victory dance
Ok this time I'm actually dancing, for a while
nah, keeping it on /tg/ is what keeps this sort of thread alive. Either that or we can let the thread die off. I'd be willing to make a new thread, but I came in WAAAAY too late to know what the hell's happening
The Primaris and Sisters are moving through the ship, Billy Mays is chasing the Crusader who is with another sister. The Chaplain is the Nercon Lords bottom bitch. The Chaos dudes left the Hulk. And I think there might be an Admech ship out there?
I don't know what's happening either, I just archive the threads as they die. I'd be down with a fourth one though, be sure to link it in here.
New thread is up.

> Be wandering through the ship, trying not to die
> See Autarch fighting
> Thats the bitch that sent me to my death on that horrifying planet
> I'mma have words with her
> Grab rifle
> Honestly, glad am not the only Eldar left alive

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