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/tg/ - Traditional Games

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Original Thread: >62640215

>Sisters of Battle of the Order of the Golden Light stationed on the newly discovered medieval world get dragged into conflict because Magos explorator Fleet unearthed a Necron Tomb complex AND an Eldar Webway portal
>Deathwatch shows up to help solve the problem.
>Aeldari of the craftworld hugiv'safuk start invading because tomb world would have a staight shot to said craftworld
>medieval world has a death cult dedicated to local Necrons
>World is has also been invaded by the Word Bearers with... mixed results
>Currently being fought off by the Catachan II
>There was also a Titan buried under a city that the Chaos cultists managed to activate.
>Rogue Trader Billy Mays dumped a bunch of "Oxythrone" into the planet's atmosphere, so now it's literally raining soap
>Craftworld Hugiv'safuk is currently being invaded by two different Ork warbands, a Thousand Sons sorcerer, a rogue trader is parked on it, and a Mechanicus Ark ship is hovering nearby

Right, that should sum up the basics. If I missed anything feel free to post it below.
Should I repost my Inquisitor, OP?
>Wait, what was that crash behind me
>Turn around again, someone in white Terminator armor just crashed to the ground
>see a warp rift close a few feet in the air
>that better not be Belial, he was always mean to my squad for no reason
>the person gets up, it's a woman
>a pretty tall woman
>she's just under my chin, which is fuckhueg for a non-augmented person
>Inquisition symbols all over her, even a neck tattoo
>That means she's Ordo Malleus, psyker fucks
>keep charging after Gwellian, finally catch up to her and grab her by the waist, lift her up with one hand
> turn that Howling Banshee she was charging into something resembling nutri-broth using my blade and my foot
>sprint back into cover, see look of fear in the eyes of the sisters that remained in the alley, to them it's like a Bulldozer chraging them with the speed of a racecar
>put Gwellian down
>Well shit, looks we have a triumvirate of big tiddies now, Sister Angela and Sister Mallory might not get envied and/or mocked anymore
Not OP, but I say you should do it. Everybody is welcome on the crazy train.
Oh, yeah. I posted her already near the tail end of the last thread. Not sure if I should do it again. Seems people saw it, though.
I think it's fine if you do but it's not necessary
Just one extra pointless detail

>one ork Warband is acting like imperium forces and assisting them in fighting the foes of the Omnissiah
I'll leave it be, then. I'm sure the Sister of Mammaries saw it
Bump for more greentext, last thread was going so fast, don't let this one die!
The Chaos gods are also watching on Khorne's flat screen tv.
I'm in need of sleep, keep the thread alive everyone.
The thread only needs to be bumped every four hours, be patient anon.
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By all means go right ahead


>Be Me
>Newbie Sororitas Mallory
>Well, today has become completely and utterly insane
>Why is Sister Superior trying to chase down two Eldar without her weapon?
>Thankfully the Deathwatch brother snatched her up and saved her...
>Wait, how did an Inquisitor chick get here?
>When did Sister Gwellian's bust get so big? It's almost as big as mine?!

> Am being tossed around by coke-fiend
> Also being chased by numerous large-breasted sister, some of which have the taint of chaos around them
> Gross.Warp
> Thankfully enough we are greatly outpacing them
> We might make it in time for-
> Suddenly;
> An earth-shattering honk is heard
> This can only mean one thing
> Look up
> Yup, Its the craftworld
> It's got a bunch of wierd ships surrounding it, but more to the point;
> We're fucked
> We Dead
> We gon die tonight
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Can't delete my fuckup because the site is being a faggot.

>>62665267 #
>Be an Inquisitor of the Ordo Malleus
>I'm duelling a Lord of Change alongside some Exorcists
>He's a tough motherfucker -- keeps flitting out of the way of my attacks
>I pour everything I have psychically into binding him in place, and strain my terminator armor to allow me to slam my daemonhammer into his stupid birdface
>He lets out the most vile screech you've ever heard, and cackles like a little bitch
>Unleashes a warp rift in his death throes that swallows me up. FFS.
>I survive, and it spits me out on some barren backwater that doesn't matter.
>The first thing I see is a SoB with tits the size of my head charging some Eldar
I hate my job.
>"Sister Gwellian, what's happening to y-
>what was that
>even the sound filters of my power armor couldn't dampen that
>check the sky, an eldar Craftworld has appeared
>I haven't seen one of these in my entire life, it's even larger than they looked in the picts the Deathwatch showed us
>apropos large
>"As I was saying, what's happening with you Sister Gwellian? Is there some kind of slaaneshi curse slowly befalling the sisters of this shrine?"
>my oh my, that's heresy
>but I'll allow it
>Spot a Deathwatch Primaris Marine, one of Lord Guilliman's creations
>Thank the fucking Emperor. Someone sa ne!
>Watch as he snatched the batshit sister with giant tits up and carry her off into an alley without saying a thing
>I sigh, pick up my hammer, and follow, only to spot two that are just as busty, if not moreso
>For a few moments, I continued to regret being alive
>"In the name of the God-Emperor, what is going on here, and why do I see Sisters with breasts the size of watermelons?"
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Fucken golden reaction to a craftworld appearing

> Be greatest pirate captain Bruce Slap-Dasha
> 'Avin a space whale of a time
> Eldarr to krump
> They don't even play any of their usual tricks, almost like all thei capable warriors are somewhere else
> Nahh
> Spot some spooky chaos boys
> K'mon, we already did chaos
> There are some rathknight thingies over there
> And there standing next to some important looking glowy thing
> Imma loot it

>Be Sister Superior Gwellian
>Did this Space Marine just assume I'm suffering from a Slaaneshi curse?!
>Did he just assume my entire SHRINE is suffering from a Slaaneshi curse?!
>"Don't be ridiculous! These are j-just blessings from the God-Emperor! Just because Mallory's always been more top-heavy than a dreadnought doesn't mean we all are! Cease your heretical thoughts! CEASE I SAY!"
>Spots Inquisitor
>Spot Eldar Again, shove Brother Ephraim out of the way and charge headlong at them while they stare up at-
>Oh great, the knife ears have brought their craftworld out.
>There must be... so many Eldar males there.
>I could just eat them all up...
>Tackles both knife-ears to the ground and grins maliciously
>"Well now, aren't you a couple of naughty little xenos..."
>"Well, Inquisitor, I can't answer that but I can't say that I dislike it as long as it's not heretical. You're a psyker, right? You might want to check on the mind of Sister Gwellian here, these uhhhhhmmm blessings (?) are new and came with a big dose of batshit insanity. Mallory and Angela have always been like this and seem to be pure of mind, no need to check on them"
>secretely hope it's not heretical
>it's gonna be fucking slaanesh isn't it
>Gwellian sprints the fuck off and tackles two eldar
>she pins them down and grins pervertedly
>Gwellian please, at least wait for me before you lewd yourself
>"I am a psyker, yes. Perhaps I should examine her, just to be safe.
>Inwardly, I'm screaming. I'm halway convinced I lost my duel and the Birdfuck is just messing with my head
>I find myself glad that I'm an ascetic, since this is probably some fucked Slaaneshi plot. Even though my bits are broke.
I take a step towards the Sister and begin to reach into her soul, probing it for corruption
>The crazed bitch jumps two Eldar and has this look on her face like she's about to fuck them
>Hate my job even more
>"...These aren't blessings. They're unnatural mutations."
>Internally, I'm groaning as I reach over to haul this batshit sister up
>What the fuck is this planet?
> From our original number, we are down to nearly 25 Asurayani soldiers + 1 Drukhari
> A Drukhari which is currently overdosing, might I add
> And now theres a warp tainted sister on me
> Hell no
> She is pushed off
> Good work, soldier
> Grab the DEldar and we'll get outta here
>Not as much room as I would like, but I can fix that later, right now we've got elf-snacks to catch
>After that, we can turn them into Eldar Women (Female) and then comes the LESBIAN INTERCOURSE for the purposes of reproduction!!!

>Something just dropped out of the Warp
>Is that a hueg Inquisitor chick?
>Did not expect that, but it's a pleasant surprise

>The Elf-snacks are getting away!

>...Well at least I'll get another chance at breeding some...

>>Tackles both knife-ears to the ground and grins maliciously

>>I find myself glad that I'm an ascetic, since this is probably some fucked Slaaneshi plot. Even though my bits are broke.
>These are not the breast you are looking for.mindtrick
>Also I can help you with those bits if you want
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>Be 'probably tainted' Sister Superior Gwellian
>Wait, who in Terra's name is pulling me off these Eldar?! I didn't even get a chance to start 'having fun' yet!
>It's the Inquisitor
>swat Inquisitor's arm away and point after the fleeing Eldar
>"What kind of Inquisitor prevents a member of the Imperium from carrying out their righteous duty to purge the xenos of their bodily-I mean, purge the xenos!"
>Chase after the Eldar general, shouting that I'm going to catch his knife-eared ass and slowly drain him of his bodily fluids for invading this Imperial world
>I am so going to end up on a Penitent Engine when this is over. If I live that long anyway.

And with that, I'm gonna call it a night before I fall asleep on the keyboard. See you all in the morning I hope!
>Be me, Tim Ruckus
>Only vet for a few kilometers
>Lotta weird shit happening over in Davis' field
>Red robed clock-men, Angles in well-fitted armor, metal skeletons, many other kinds of nonsense
>Deafening sound announces a new moon in the sky
>The shadow is over Davis' field
>Not my problem yet
>The Sister fucking smacks my arm away
>"The kind that finds it odd when a Sister of Battle appears as if she's about to sexually assault xenos! I'm not stupid, you-"
>Suddenly, I feel something fucking weird
>Realize that I don't really care about this, and that it's probably nothing
>Suddenly find myself wondering how it would feel to be more like that sister
>I don't even realize that I left my body and mind wide open to a daemonette
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>Jump over to the Inquisitor since the Sister Superior is so thirsty for Eldar juice
>So deary, what seems to be the problem?
>Non-existent Libido?
(Sleep time. See you guys in a bit. I have plans.)
Fuck it. One last post.
>Great. It's in my brain.
>I'm better than this. I can, uh...
>Realize that my life is literal hell
>I'm an inquisitor with a daemon in their head.
>I'm dead if anyone finds out
>Currently, my problem is that there's a slut daemon in my body.
>Be me
>Male Sister of Battle Howling Banshee in disguise Enladiel Feanwe
>Have successfully infiltrated the Mon-Keigh warriors
>One of them even put me in an infantry transport to protect me
>Battle seems to be coming down
>Start checking out my new comrades
>One of them has growing breasts
>My keen psychic senses detect a Mon-Keigh psyker
>Oh and it's possessed by a Daemonette

goodnight anons. I'm going to hit the hay
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>How is this a PROBLEM?
>You're Ordo MALLEUS, right?
>What better source of information on Daemonic activity are you going to get than one nested in your bosom?
>Hells, I know there is at least one Bloodletter here we can easily bully into submission

>...Also a cross-dressing space elf, but we can fix the cross-dressing part!

Should turn in as well, but there is LEWDNESS AFOOT!!!
Skitarii TX-24 here, whats going on with my friends in the necron tomb?

>Well shit, it's fucking Slaanesh
>"Can you cleanse her mind Inquisitor? I don't think you'll be able to undo the mutation"
>"Inquisitor? Inquisitooor?? INQUISITOR! Don't daydream damnit, or have you also been corrupted?"
>I am the only sane person around here
> Be a bitchin' sister hospitalier, mmm hmm
> Never recognised by regular sisters, no maam
> I convinced sister Mallory to teach those techies what she made of, but do I get thanks? No gurl
> Who do those hoes think keeps their blood in their body?
> Notice some of my sisters have been "larger" than normal.
> And acting real heretical
> Skanky ass hoes
> Is that a Slaanesh Daemon
> Oh hell naw
> Sister hospitalier Trinity ain't got no time fo' dat!
> Grab hospitalier rifle
> Some hoes gon' get purged tonight
We'll have to continue the lewdness in... Six hours. Can you hold on that long? I also got a discord if y'all motherfuckers want it. Archmagos#4363
Sent you a friend request, I'm *Confused Grunt* with a Tim Allen pic
Hello, I'm scared Eldar general as well as african-american sassy sister of battle.
My discord is Probablypixel.
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Never fear, the Aussies are here!
Euros are also here as well, but it's 11am on a weekdays here so most of us are busy
Can confirm since I'm European too
>Be me.
>Be very confused Overlord.
>Order troops to shoot at everyone but the non pointy fleshies and hardcases.
>Sneakin around the battlefeild, lookin for bitches.
>Why does my job suck like this?
Be I, Skitarii TX-24
> The BT carrying me has exited the tomb, at last
> If he takes us back to the mechani-copter, we'll be safe at last
> What was that
> That nearly overloaded my aural circuits
> By the Omnissiah, its a craftworld.
> Seeing as the Magos is a heretek (I think), I wonder what her reaction would be if she ever wakes up.
> Someone should do something about those missing legs.
>be Primaris Brother Ephraim, the only man among a huge group of women with huge tits
>sadly all of them are either too pure of mind to seduce or under a slaaneshi curse
>I just wanted a big tiddy Sister GF so Einarr stops calling me gay, not to become the caretaker of a group of insane women with daemonettes in their heads
>spot a necron overlord lurking across from me on the plaza
>problem is that there's a whole bunch of eldar on the plaza and the sisters are currently trying to withstand urges to have a major lewdness outbreak
>Tell Sisters Mallory and Angela to keep the others in check, especially the Sister superior and the Inquisitor
>step out of the alley, magdump into a handful of knife-ears
>goddamnit 25 rounds for 5 kills is acceptable with orks or chaos or whatever but not for effeminate twinks in light armor
>rush towards the overlord, let out a thunderous warcry amplified by my power armor
>push another eldar to the floor, curbstomp him without slowing down
>"face me, you sneaky metal bastard! You got away from the templars, but if there's one thing I'm good at its dealing with Xeno scum!"
> Be me Ulfric Williams
> be carrying some fucking cultist, a skitarii, and a possible tech heretic out of a necron tomb for reasons unknown, even to me.
> emperorwhy.despair
> look up to see a FUCKING CRAFTWORLD
> dammit.
> as if today couldn't get any worse.
> get denied my duel with a cron overlord, and now there's AN ENTIRE POPULATION OF KNIFEEARS just out of my reach.
> better head towards the city and link up with my brothers.
> speedygonzalez.marine
why is the craftworld Honking.
> be me, chaplain marius Alfred
> spot the brother marine charging my quarry.
> dammit
> some people just have no manners nowadays
> don't they know that interrupting duels is just downright unsightly?
Because in craftworld hugiv'sufuk, we have expert sonic weaponry that disorientates and confuses the enemy before the firing begins!

...and because we thought it would be funny.


> The second encounter with the sisters has gone very oddly
> Very oddly indeed.
> The SOB we faced before were exceedingly deadly killing machines (for mon-keigh), and now we're warding off large-breasted animals who are mostly trying to pin us down
> As a matter of fact, the SOB with teh large breasts before now has amongst the smallest
> IbetSlaneshdidthis.warp
> And oh look, the Space Marines are here
> And oh look, i've just been curbstomped
> This is the worst day in all of my many centuries.
> Oh Khaine, the dick crushing SM is here
> GetTheFuckOuttaHere.Soulstone
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> Be I, Skitarii TX-24
> Please, noble marine, may you put me down?
> Being carried is unbeffiting of a warrior of teh machine cult such as I
> Also, the being that is I suggests we go to the mechani-copter, it is much closer to us than the other Astartes
> This is also where we can fix my noble magos.
> still me.
> upon hearing his request he sets the skitarii, and only the skitarii, down.
> "very well then, lead me to this mechani-copter of yours, we shall use it to link up with my brothers, and reinforce the city. Along with healing these two."
> gesture for the skitarii to lead the way.
Be me
>1stLt Harkus Straken of the Catachan II
>Interrupted my group sex party with SoB & Techpristesses by some frakkin’ weak noodle arm necron fag who tunneled through and emerged into my recreation of a goddamn hulking Imperial Fist fortress except it be Imperial Guard version
>Leman Russ Vanquishers on my orders fire upon bith their forces with the main cannons loaded with localized direct-impact HE as well as sponsons of Plasma, Heavy Flamer, Heavy Bolter, Melta, Heavy Stubber, & Hotshot Las
>Catachan Devil’s literally turn to and lay down torrents of fire from an exceedingly varied amount of weapon types (Bolters, Las Guns, Stubbers, Etc) upon both the Necrons & Eldar
>> Be me, Victor Samson
>> fighting FUCKING DAEMONS inside this.... whatever the fuck this is
>> whatstechnology.crusader
>> hear harkus cursing about getting.... interrupted.
>> goddammit harkus not again
>> evenmoreangrybabymammas.baggage
>> why is it always a clusterfuck?
>> for once, just once, I want to visit a planet and not have it erupt into a goddamn all out war.
> Be I, Skitarii TX-24
> Venture forth, noble Astartes! We shall turn the outcome of the day yet!
> Only one problem- theres a retarded number of Necron Cultists in the way.

Even Skitarii must sleep. But I shall return!
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> be me Ulfric Williams
> fucking necron cultists in the way.
> whatsstealthagain.crusader
> hand cultist over to the skitarii,
> don't really trust him not to run off if I hand him the magos.
> reload storm bolter and open fire on the cultists.
> watch as heads pop and bolt shells go flying.
> I love the smell of boltgun in the morning.
> smells like purging.

>Be Metalic Death Cultists
>Metal Behemoth has finally let me out of his grip
>Still have no idea why he absconded with me
>See him killing my people
>Attempt to stop the behemoth from slaughtering my people but toaster thief is holding me back
>Fellow cultists continue to get killed while I flail around trying to break the grip of a toaster thief
>I miss my Lord
>Be Savorius
>Doing my plans, fucking up the craftworld
>The tzaangors found a button that makes the entire craftworld shake and go "HONK", and they've been pressing it.
>It's only when their stupid plans no longer line up with yours when you realize that the tzaangors are kind of doing their own thing
>Which currently seems to be finding the right frequency of honking to literally drive people insane
>Not the greatest plan, and annoying as hell, but they might succeed
>I however am making my way to the infinity circuit.
>As per the plan, I am to strip it of protections so that incoming Slaaneshi daemons can harvest it of...
>Ugh, "Big Titty Space Elf Energy"
>I hate my fucking allies
> Be Captain Bruce Slap-Dasha
>Listen Up, Kaos Boys!
> Iz da greatest Ork captain in dis hole galaxy
> And wez gon chop you ups
> And den lootz dis hole Kraftworld
> By Gork, Wot Iz dat?
>can't seem to find any meat.
>the drugged thing is too fast.
>he lord is dueling the fleshies.
>wait, we smell blood. Much blood!
>nearby scarab confirms blood sightings.
>thanks little friend we would pat you.
>finally we can hunt again. Start bursting out of the ground with my kin.
>the same group from earlier, including the hardcase that crushed me earlier.
>ignore the cultists and charge the templar
> be me, Ulfric Williams
> Emperor dammit, more fucking necrons.
> must resist urge to charge them.
> still carrying magos.
> reload storm bolter, empty magazines at the flayed ones.
> bolter clicks.
> can't engage in melee, not with magos still being carried.
> time for the special technique that raven guard taught me.
> grab the skitarii, and the cultist
> make a note to self to dispose of the cultist later.
> tacticalwithdrawl.itsnotretreating.
>Be Daniel MacGregor
>Corporal of the Imperial Guard Drooken Fen Guard 7th "geared bastards" regiment
>Went on a drunken sesh around the the toon and woke un in ere.
>Nae clue wits the frak goin on, ma heeds killin me and ave still got wan bottle af tonic.
>fuck, is it- yeah it's running
>this is torture everyone else's faster.
>so hungry
>need to eat something
>what are my kin doing? Why did they stop the chase?
>oh, they stopped to eat the dead cultists.
>guess it's time to eat!
>this new dress is going to look lovely on my head, what a lovely pink.
>oh look, eyes! I thought I'd lost those!
>this has become the best minute of my lifetime.
>Sees a spooky yin ran the way past me.
>Take a swig af the tonic.
>Hope I get mad wae it.
>Canny be fuck wae this pish and am needing tae kick sum cunt in.
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> be ulfric Williams,
> see a drunken drooken in the path of the flayers
> offorfuckssake.annoyance
> grab the man too, throw him under arm.
> fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
>Freak the fuck oot at the sight af this big black bastard that grabbed me.
haw ya bgg mong, get yer frakkin ands aff me noo fore a chib ya!
>Takes another swig aff the tonic.
>Ready tae wreck the hoose.
> be ulfric
> stillrunning.hussainiusbolt
>Tans the contents of the bottle.
>Gets a heroin like buzz from the mix of caffeine and alcohol.
>Smashes the empty bottle agains the black bastards power armour to make a good chibber.
>"Right mate, let's dae this."
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> Ulfric Williams
> notice he shatters a glass bottle against his armor.
> fucking hell, I want what he's having.
> he nods.
> "once we get back to the city you can go nuts, got it?"
> runboyrun.
>More meat? This one also seems to be applying drugs.
>oh, no, there they go again.
>damm drug addicts ruining out neighborhoods.
>fucking hooligans, they need to cut down on drugs.
>I think I have an app for that?
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>Be me
>Mandrake currently employed in Kabal of Given Fucks
>The time to get on that world was so long I was considering beheading the Archon and have him replaced with someone more eager to act
>I'm quite sure the Incubi wouldn't even stop me, he looks like he has some serious fight itch to scratch
>Seems the wait has been worth it
>The situation became utter clusterfuck of opponents
>Somehow one of our Wyches is already down there, and I have no idea how
>Knowing that duel-loving Incubi, he'll throw himself at anything that looks duel-worthy, ranging anywhere from Black Templar to a World Eater
>I myself am in a mood of stealth shenanigans with those Catachans
>Time to enter shadows and get behind them
>Be Khornate Lord Savage
>My warband have been calling me Savage for years because they're a bunch of mouthbreathers
>Despite my warband being Khornate, I've retained my sense of tactics, but Khorne has cursed me in that my retarded followers are too angry to ever listen
>Some marine comes in screaming something about eldar, honking, tits and blood
>Manage to discern that he wants to go to this ass-end of nowhere planet to join some pointless war.
>Might give me a break from their endless screaming
>Give the men a half-hearted speech, mention screaming in it
>They fixate on this and rename the warband The Screamers
>FFS, lets get this over with
>Seeing the wee cunt having a nag at it.
>Gets a empty bottle oot ma 5p bag and fling it at the spooky bastards heed.
>"Back aff ya spooky bitch!"
>The daemonette has a point
>Thought I was a Puritan, but I guess I'm fucking radical now
>Fine, just... Do what you have to do, daemon. Okay?
>"I haven't been corrupted. I'm fine. The Sister's... Tits shouldn't grow as much now, though."
>be me
>dark eldar gurl
>puke from taking too much cocaine
>damn that feels good
>be forcibly teamed up with gay craftworlders
>where am I again?
>be assaulted by SoB grinning at me
>she grins like a fellow commorite
>why me
>she gets pushed
>now the craftworlder is carrying me
>his crushed balls seem to be dulled by the need to not die
>honking craftworld?
>this craftworlder is kinda cute
>so was that SoB
>too bad there's too much going on
>shifty deldar appreciates being carried
>especially as she's overdosing
>which is pretty difficult, considering
>good question
>I don't even know how I got here
>rough night must have led me here
>it's only getting rougher

>eldar and deldar leave the others to fight it out
>as usual, why risk out lives when we can be cowardly little shits?

>Be Metalic Death Cultist
>Have no idea what this behemoth is trying to do at this point
>He's now just grabbed some random bum
>I want out of this redundant train of events, but wriggling out of the Behemoths grip is an impossible task
>Dropped the Gauss weapon a while ago so shooting is out of the question
>I don't think those gore covered machines are going to be able to catch up
>Can't even pet the scarab now
>This is the worst part of today so far
>After some scowling, decide to talk to this behemoth
>"So, where are you bringing us metal behemoth?"
>Sees the lanky wee sneaky bastard that's been grabbed beside me speak.
>"Nae frakin clue wits this black bastards dain wae us."
>Offers him some buckfast.
>"Noo drink this ya cunt."

>See the wee fanny as we run past them and grabs another empty bottle oot the bag and hits her over the heed wae it,
>"Get it up ya, cunt!"
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> be Ulfric Williams,
> well damn the guard turned this place into a nice goddamn fortress.
> admiring the fortress, forget to pay attention for a second.
> wind up colliding with something.
> I'm suddenly airborn, everything goes flying.
> whatthefuckinghelldidIhit.confusion
> land next to death cultist.
> look at him as he asks question
> "joining up with my brothers to defend the city, thereby earning the emperor's forgiveness and the omnissiah's approval."
> look over to see an eldar with a crushed codpiece and a dark eldar wytch.
> ohboy.fuckyes
> murderin time.
>Drop out of warp above the planet, start looking for something to attack
>Serf informs me the marines have taken all the transports and gone towards the source of the honking, some Eldar craftworld
>With them gone I might be able to enjoy a battle for once
>Order serfs to battle stations
>Haven't had a naval battle that didn't involve boarding actions in centuries
>Thanks Khorne
>one of us has been struck my glass
>who threw that we were eating.
>damn hard case is lobbing artillery, and the eldar are closer to the bone structure.
>we choose the easy meat, time to Dig.Soi
>at least we all have clothes now it was kinda gross before. Not a total loss.
>wonder is that elf pelvis is still available...
>"Inquisitor! Can you cleanse their taint? Can you undo this mutation? A few fuller-figured women here and there are a blessing but Sister Gwellian is approaching the size of a beachball!"
>The Inquisitor seems to focus, with a changed look compared to earlier, but not the perverted grin of Sister Gwellian
>pointing and screaming at chaser
>oh fuck he can keep up
>hit in head by glass bottle shattering
>knocked out cold
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>Intended to play hide and seek with a Catachan, with plan to make him look as if he's taking heads of his own allies in the heat of battle, instead of his enemies
>Notices that our Wych is about to be murdered by a Dark Templar
>There's enough shadow to pop out from
>Intends to say "Hello, would you like to hear about our Lord and Saviour, Kheradruak?"
>Being interwinded with shadows makes it sound more like "Hearlaughalos, Kheradruak!"
>Hope it doesn't spook him too much, I want a fight, not a slaughter

>Be Metallic Death Cultist
>The bum offers me some alcohol
>No way in hell I'm drinking that shit
>Not sure what happens next but we're now airborne
>I collide with the ground leg first
>Everything else follows with a Klang
>My legs are bent the wrong way before snapping back in place due to the metal having healing properties
>Still hurts a lot though
>Behemoth then lands right next to me, thought he was going to crush me for a second
>Says something about fighting for forgiveness and some dude called "The Emporer" and "Omnissiah"
>"Who's this Emporer and Omnissiah?"
> Still ulfric.
> see the drooken nail the dark eldar in the head with a fucking bottle.
> impressive.approval
> fucking hell.
> Grab all four people and start running.
> about twenty blocks away now.
> okay... headcount.
> magos is still knocked the fuck out
> skitarii is here
> drooken is still drunk
> dark eldar is-
> wait a second
> ......
>Fuckin shits meself at the spooky cunts sceech.
>Due tae tha lack aff anything being on under the kilt shits flys across the cultist's back.
>Grabs another empty bottle oot the 5p bag and flings another bottle at the spooky cunt.
>"Fukin mon then!"

>Be Metallic Death Cultist
>Behemoth seems to have forgotten about me and took some other random person
>I'm cool with that
>Time to find my Lord and assist him with whatever he needs
>Hear the behemoth shout something in surprise
>Either he got jumped or realized I'm missing
>Start making my way through the alleyways of this shot up city in search of my Lord
>The Inquisitor is apparently caught up in her own thoughts
>look around for help or something to kill
>see a Black Templar decked out in a fuckton of chains and purity seals sprint around the corner like a madman
>he's got a bunch of people tucked under his arms
>that magos from earlier, but badly beaten up
>some shiny metal guy, kinda looks like a cron but also somewhat different
>a man in flak armor and a kilt, he must've come here with the Catachans
>and a knife-ear bitch covered in... shit?
>she almost looks cute
>peacefully sleeping with blood dribbling out of her forehead
>also pukes in sleep
>maybe not that cute
> be ulfric.
> oh praise the emperor, astartes.
> drop everyone.
> stop running.
> stop in front of the astartes.
> "sorry I'm late, Champion Ulfric Williams, at your service"
> salutes in greeting.
> kill me now.

>Be Chaos Lord Laranos
>This is bullshit
>How the fuck do fucking topless mere mortal fight off fucking our fucking army?
>Why the fuck isn't Sicarus giving us the reinforcements we need?
>Do we even have portals open?
>Why aren't the HoA and WE giving any fucking news or helping?
>Why are civilians on this planet so fucking useless?

>I think I missed a shitload of stuff happening
>Did I blacked out again?
>Doesn't matter
>I need my sorceror ro contact any force of chaos even fucking remotely capable in this fucking sector
>And I need it for yersterday!
>being dropped wakes her up
>surrounded by Mon'keigh
>pretend to be asleep still
>helps the OD migraine anyway
>"I'm fine. Gwellian needs to be restrained immediately. I suggest you find her a priest to perform an exorcism. That should more than suffice for now."
>I need to clear my head before this sex daemon bullshit starts fucking with it.
>"Has this planet always been an abortive mess, Astartes?"
>Proceed to hate my job even more
>"I'm tempted to declare their sisterhood lost, to be totally frank... But now isn't the time."
>"Brother Ephraim of Kill Team Gamma-Crucifix, and this here is Inquisitor Chevalier"
>nudge the Inquisitor to snap out of it and say something
>use my Primaris stature and bulk to block the Templars view of the tainted and crazed Sister Gwellian
>she's having trouble standing straight at this point, maybe that'll stop her from doing more stupid shit
>"And this here are Sisters Mallory and Angela, who've been accompanying me since I lost the rest of my Kill Team"
>come to think of it, where are they?
>Still Lord Savage
>Turns out there aren't any sizeable fleets around
>Order my serfs to shoot the marines if they try and come back, take a shitty cruiser
>Going to crash/land it into whatever looks like a sizeable settlement
>No tactical advantage but I'm fucking bored.
>Be me
>Mandrake commonly referred as Hearlaughalos, because nobody but other Mandrakes seems to understand when I want to preach about our glorious leader
>Finally hopes to get a duel with a Black Templar
>He ran away
>He actually ran away
>And he left Necros-tained cultist and ran away with the Wych
>Which is now covered in emptied content of the bowels of the dress-wearing Mon-keigh that seems almost as drugged as the Wych
>Grabs the Necrodermis-covered mortal to potentially use as a bait to get the Wych once I'll have some duel
>Hopefully the Incubi, whatever he might be dueling at the time, won't snatch the fight first
>Sees the fuckin mess before me.
>Looks up at the big man and at the Sister.
>"A ken hoo tae fix er mate."

>Orks shut up out of nowhere
>They're Orks; don't question it
>Realize how bored I am, and that the Ark's raring for a fight
>I sense an opportunity to steal some Xenotech
>Gun the engines, only to find some bitch Khornate in my way
>Some Chaos fuck is in the way of my and my xenotech
>NOBODY gets in the way of me and my xenotech
>Fucking light the sky up with so many lances that those silly bitches on the ground can probably see my lightshow from the ground
I love my job.
> be ulfric...
> glance around at the sororitas trying to go nuts...
> "umm.... brother, why are the sororitas going mad?"
> he then nods to the two seemingly sane ones.
> "a pleasure to meet faithful servants of the emperor"
> he bows politely.
> remembers how marius whacked him over the head with the pimp cane last time.
>Some toasterfucker is shooting my ship
>Ramming speed!
>Abandon ship, death is not a tactical move
>Take my thunderhawk planetside
>Recieve a message from Khorne, some Word Bearer needs help
>Fucking bookfuckers, guess I'll have to help him
>Call my second in command on the craftworld, tell him to get the marines planetside
>Doubt he'll listen, but worth a shot, tell him there's more access to skulls
>"They're, they're uh, praying"
>"I suppose you have something important to do since you seem to be in such a hurry, who exactly were you carrying there?"
>This corporal, who I think is guard, says something to me
>I can't understand a word of it
>Decide to ignore it after remembering I'm an Inquisitor
>"They appear to have been tainted by warpborn filth, battle brother. We can't be sure that the problem is dealt with until we exorcise the lot."
>Time to do my shit job
>"Either way, we have bigger problems. We don't have the time for any of that, and I still have no idea what planet this is."
Still can't delete posts. Kill me.
It's fine, I suppose you forgot to change to the Inquisitor
>Be Metallic Death Cultists
>Get lost in this giant city
>Can't find my way out nor my Lord
>Not even any cultists
>There's something up in the sky making "HONK" noises'
>fucking annoying
>Maybe I should have stayed with the Behemoth
>Oh well, nothing I can do about it now
>Hopefully I can find someone I know
>I miss my scarab
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>Brings oot a full bottle of orange liquid bearing the emblem of the inquisition on it.
>"Mate, this wae set em straight."
>"Cures all hings fram hangovers tae warp fulled cuntish pish."
> be ulfric
> oh shit... how do I explain this.
> "i believe a magos, skitarii, guardsman, a.."
> looks down...
> oh fuck its a dark eldar.
> oh shit....
> "all survivors from the dig site that I could carry."
> don't mention the deldar, don't fucking mention it.
> looks at the sisters 'praying'
> yeahandi'mthefuckingemperor.sarcasm
> turn back to the primaris
> "you would not mind if I.... joined them in prayer, would you?"
> begins to walk past the primaris to confront the sisters.
> directapproachisbestapproach.fuckthecodex.
>Okay then, ritual's all set up for the-
>I said, ritual's all ready for the-
>...I think they're trying to do Campground Races with that thing. They've almost got it down actually.
>Fuck it, tuning them out
>A rubric brings in the catalyst for the summoning, carrying it in a plastic bag, holding it out using one of those claw grabbers.
>I had no idea a rubric could still feel disgust
>I don't like dealing with the neverborn of the other gods, but it's necessary hear. Slaanesh has an affinity for these fuckboy eldar, as well as first dibs on their soul
>Yes... anyways
>I remove the stained porno mag from the bag-
>-Fuck it's dripping-
>Fill it with some psychic power, throw it at the infinity circuit, and then begin to run
>Be me
> Be Armageddon mechanized infantry Sergeant
>Be told to do a low orbit drop on top of necron fight planet side because SoB down there need "us".
>Listen to Doom soundtrack during drop for relaxation purposes.
>Chimera Lands safely on the ground nobody in the Chimera believes it.
>Pop hatch of Chimera to see where we are at and realize chimera landed on top of people
>"Oh absolutely not, like the Inquisitor said they're currently trying to exorcise Sister Gwellian as she's been tainted by the warp"
>I hope he doesn't kill her, she was so nice before she was possessed
>Also to see a woman with tiddies this big die would make me lamenter-level sad
>I don't think I'll score with her but she was a great fighter and a competent leader
>be Chaos Lord Laranos
>I asked for reports 30 minutes ago
>I don't think I could get angrier atht eh overhaul incompetence of-
>What the warp?
>Are you fucking kidding me?
>A fucking whole Craftworld?
>Why does it keep getting worse?
>I have the feeling something bad is about to happe-
>This is alreadys starting to grind my gears.
>Aimlessly flying around, see all kinds of random shit on the ground
>Remember I have a vox on this Thunderhawk
>Send a message out to literally anyone
>"Oi bookfucker, wherever you are, help has arrived"
>Receives message as-
>-as the fucking Tzaangors keep playing with that. Their ways are inscrutable and sometimes very stupid. Incredible intelligence mixed in with bestial savagery
>"I'll have you know that fucking books is a good way to damage them! I would never-"
>"ugh... anyways, who is this? I just released a slsaaneshi daemon into the craft world and everything is going just as planned."
>shifty dark eldar
>one eye partially open
>see sororitas praying
>my kind of prayers
>pretend to be a callidus?
>get up casually and dust myself off
>"I am an assassin of the Callidus temple. I have been infiltrating the... Er... Eldar from Commoragh. It was going quite well, I think that more of them are coming as well. I will pretend to be your prisoner and act as bait to lure them into a trap. While that's happening...."
>calmly walk past the primaris all confident in myself
>damn that sister has massive tits
>"Maybe I can be of assistance?"
>"This is Lord Savage of The Screamers, I know those are dumb names, but my warband are a bunch of retards, I let them loose on the craftworld so I could have some peace and quiet, but now I have to bail you faggots out, I'm here now though, so what do you need?"
>"I'd say fire upon the area where my tzaangors are pushing that damnable-"
>"-button, but I still need them. Assist forces on the planet. There's enough orks and daemons on here to stop the craftworld from elf-sterminatusing the planet below."
>Begin to make way to webway gate
>Retrive most of the tzaangors
>A few refuse to leave, claiming that the-
>-button is part of the plan. I don't care, they can stay if they want
>"My lord?"
>"We have recieved a message sent on all possible frequency"
>Slave, you better have something worth more than someone just screwing with communications if you wanna live past fifteen on this ship
>I get the record on my vox
>Sounds like some khornate
>It's a miracle they could even get the message with all the honking happening
>At least someone has come to help liberate this fucking planet in the name of Chaos
>About fucking time, we are litterally in a 1 to 10 situation and that was before the fucking honking craftworld invited itself to the party
>Remind me to vox him later, slave, or I swear you'll understand why we don't pronounce "what must not be said" in this faction
>this one seems to be all a one now, not even we can see the overlord or scarabs.
>although they might have just put us on mute, considering they didnt seem interested in meat dresses or bone claws.
>these meats are far to protected. Got to wait until they are open.
>SOI SOI SOI is that tenderized meats!?
>start clawing toward the surface
>my pack with me, we can all feel the meat drawing nearer as we dart through the earth.
>burst out near the meat, the stench has filled my very being!
>Wait, what is that metal box?
>oh no, is it-
>now I have to wait for reconstruction as my brothers eat.

>when will my slow ass know death
> be ulfric
> exorcisms?
> “you do realize I’ve worked alongside a chaplain for years right? I’ve exorcised quite a few daemons in that time”
> crazy bowtie wearin bastard.
> damn good guy though.
> shoulda been a salamander.
>Fuck it
>Ignoring everyone else, I grab the bottle, uncork it, and force a few gulps into each of the Sisters
>"Yes, prayer." I roll my eyes.
>Pretty sure this marine either wants to fuck them or kill them
>I decide to see what happens
>This Drukharii starts spouting some bullshit story about being an assassin
>Pretty sure she just wants to fuck the Sisters
>"I can't take you on your word. Prove it."
>Flash my Rosette
>"Luckily for you I happen to be a tactical genius"
>Remember those robots I found a while ago, some toasterfucker didnt want me to have them, screaming something about "steel men"
>Had some hereteks code them to follow my orders, I think
>Tell the serfs in charge of the fleet to send them planetside, tell him to set up a temporary command centre somewhere too
>Fly over to rendezvous
>Be me.
>Be confused.
>Decide to coordinate strikes on the pointies, trying to fuck with things.
>Still running around shooting shit.
>Damn, where are the bitches I saw before? The hardcase ones I mean.
>Khornate ship starts ramming us
>Melt the bitch into slag
>It stops, abandoned
>Melt the bitch into slag anyways
>Now I can have my Xenotech
>Kick my Ark into overdrive and speed towards the Craftworld at full speed, guns blazing
> be Ulfric
> plotting her demise.
> "Inquisitor, a.... pleasure to meet you."
> I will leave you to a pack of horny mandrakes if I get the fucking chance.
>Second in commander tells me he has like 200 marines with nothing to do
>Remember theres a toasterfucker somewhere in space
>Give the order
>Prepare for carnage
> Be me
>Be seeing cluster fuck
>Be fastest boi on chimera running over anything that gets in way
>Still listening to Doom soundtrack while feeling the "bumps" on the road.
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>Be "Definitely Tainted By Slaaneshi" Sister Superior Gwellian
>My chestplate is probably going to break from all size of these pretty soon.
>Seriously, how big are these damn things going to get?
>Look up and see there's something going on in the Eldar Craftworld
>Is suddenly forced to drink booze by Inquisitor
>Thanks but I wasn't thirsty
>Dark Eldar pretending to be Callidus walks up, asking if he can be of assistance.
>Grab him and pull him against my now massive chest as I gaze at him with an evil leer
>"Sure thing. Just get me on that damn craftworld so I can shut off that damn noise!"
>Or turn it up superloud and make everyone enjoy the auditory ecstasy. It's starting to sound a bit too quiet now that I think about it.
>Be me.
>Be annoyed as fuck Overlord.
>Order my personal spaceship to be readied as I rush over to the nearest tomb entrance.
>I’m gonna shoot the fuck out of it.
>Or capture all its bitches, and then shoot the fuck out of it.
> be Ulfric Williams of the black templars.
> "you mean the inquisitor who was never identified and slaughtered the celestial lions whilst they were attempting to take the Mannheim gap? That inquisitor?"
> points to the black cross on the shoulder.
> "let me make one thing clear inquisitor, if you wish to calm my rage, then prove to me that you are not like those fucks. I judge actions, not words, words are cheap, actions are not."
>coming back to life sucks.
>now I'm all alone while my pack gets to eat.
>still have my clothes though so at least I'm fabulous.
>Overlord is sending new orders, something about points.
>is that a reference to the ears.
>by the triarch I'm hungry for ears now.
>maybe I should help that cultist... or should I go back for the elf that seems to be helping the hard cases now.
>Be Me
>Officer of the Catachan II, Harkus Straken
>View coke whore & torture addict approach and dare to address a hot Space Nun even pretends to be a Calidus assassin walk over while retieing and fastening his blood red bandana Devil’s Claw knife in hand he begins mercilessly pummeling her in the face repeatedly with the reinforced handguard of the Adamantium Catachan Knoife-Sword
>Gonna try to have a "conversation" with that Savage guy
[Calling in progress...]
>I hope he has info on other chaos forces
>I wonder how are my brothers doing in the capital city
>Realize I was spazzing out.
>Wait I’m a head on this guy’s waist.
>Oh hey it’s the classy fucker.
>Mention we should turn that shit off.

>"Fair enough, Templar."
>Really need to stop assuming that every marine that is angry with me is a Space Wolf
>"I mean every Inquisitor that power trips and tries to slaughter obviously loyal chapters. As for action?"
>This Sister Superior is about to fuck a xeno
>Just fucking reach over, haul her up in my gauntlet, and get a faceful of Sister tits
>"You. Start talking and explain yourself. Now."

>Be Metallic Death Cultist
>Still lost
>Haven't seen anyone on a while
>After wandering for who knows how long I finally see one of those machines covered in gore
>Finnally, I can get some directions
>Attempt communication
>"Hey, do you know where our Lord is or how to get back to base?"
> have the necron head strapped to my waist.
> duel... did not turn out as planned. At all.
> approach the guard commander.
> see him punch a deldar in the face.
> well then, he's clearly busy.
> I'll let him have that one.
> notakillstealingfucktard.restraint.
> then notice the massive mammaried sister of battle apparently more aroused than a dark eldar in a choir boy barracks.
> this will not do.
> walk over and grab the sororitas by the ear and drag her away.
> see brother Williams
> "champion, if you would be so kind as to find me a flattened instrument, it would be greatly appreciated."
> looks down at the quite unsightly sister of battle.
> "it would appear that I must instill some.... discipline that the command staff has clearly failed to."
>On way to rendezvous point, get a call from that Bookfucker
>"What the fuck do you want mate"
>Gunship starts shaking
>Alright who the fuck is shooting at me
>Look at Black Templar becokon him over to me with naughty SoB in-hand gesture that the flat blade of the huge Devil Claw Knife will suffice and to bring her over and he can multitask beating in the face of this Deldar and discipline the Sister
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>>Ugh, "Big Titty Space Elf Energy"
>Like it's not the best Space Elf energy...

>>The daemonette has a point
>Good to see you are a Reasonable Inquisitor

>>Thought I was a Puritan, but I guess I'm fucking radical now
>Only lifeless losers remain Puritan their whole lives, but we'll have to save the radical fucking for later

>>Fine, just... Do what you have to do, daemon. Okay?
>>I need to clear my head before this sex daemon bullshit starts fucking with it.
>>Ignoring everyone else, I grab the bottle, uncork it, and force a few gulps into each of the Sisters
>Good, but we need to get these Astartes under control
>Usually I'd just Ka-magick them female, but the tall one is one of those new-fangled Spacer Marines, don't think even Bile has gotten any results messing with them yet
>Safest bet is to diffuse them with muliebrous energies and let the change take it's time.

>>I remove the stained porno mag from the bag-
>>-Fuck it's dripping-
>>Fill it with some psychic power, throw it at the infinity circuit, and then begin to run
>>"ugh... anyways, who is this? I just released a slsaaneshi daemon into the craft world and everything is going just as planned."
>Thankfully one of my sisters has been unleashed into that [HONK]*ing Craftworld's Infinity Circuit, but I fear all this [HONK]*ing Honking is going to attract the attention of the Elf's Clown...

>...Oh no...

>Be Me
>Newbie Sororitas Mallory
>Am suddenly being forced to have hangover cure by the Inquisitor
>Sister Superior Gwellian is clearly tainted by the Warp
>I mean, God-Emperor on Terra, her bust is bigger than mine!
>I feel awful! It's probably my fault she's like this! If she lives she'll probably be forced to become a repentia!
>On the other hand...
>Realize the Inquisitor or Black Templar's probably going to kill her
>Brother Ephriam's clearly not going to
>Turn and look at him
>I think
>It's kinda hard to tell behind their helmets
>Turn back to see a Catachan officer beating the captured Callidus(?) in the face
>The Inquisitor is demanding an explanation from Gwellian before the Sister Superior starts getting dragged off by the ear by a Black Templar chaplain
>See Gwellian still has her flamer on her
>fair enough
>kicks him off
>"Oof! Hold your rage! She grabbed me!"
>"I am a wholly loyal member of the callidus temple! Deception is my game and, uh, uh... Vaj... Theos. Yup. Please resist pummeling my loyal visage."

>if I lie hard enough maybe they'll buy it
>"besides if I were REALLY a xenos eldae I would have, you know, done something malicious. Probably while laughing"

>"Sorry, wrong Eldar. You seem busy anyway."
>must ingratiate with Mon'keigh so I am not killed outright
>why is my life as a wych so damnable
>what have I done to deser-
>well what have I done by DELDAR standar-
>stand next to the chaplain, stand as straight as a board to reinforce the fact I'm a little more than a foot taller than him
>"Hello again Chaplain! Remember that time you whacked me with your cane? Ah, good times. Now, why does your exorcism involve a heavy, flat object? If it's for what I think it is, use it sparingly, this Sororita was, despite her *ahem* voluptousness, a mighty fine warrior before she became unwillingly possessed and I wish to see her in her former glory, not as a battered wreck"
> he sighs and shakes his head
lieutenant, the offer is appreciated, however, that instrument has too small of a handle for me to grip properly for such a task.
> he then notes the flamer and uses his other hand to snatch the weapon from her.
> he then turns to stare at the sororitas, staring at him.
> he turns to see Williams shaking his head.
I see... the cane it is then.
> picks up cane
> tanningtime.discipline
> he then looks at the primaris.
I whacked you with my cane? If so I humbly apologize, and I shall, she must be in fighting shape after I am finished after all.
>Nodding his head dismissively he walks back over Sword-Knoife in hand he continues pummeling her going so far as to when he’s gotten just the right amount of tenderization, places her into a sleeper hold the might and bulwark of Catachan musculature and biceps combined with steel and grit of an the Imperial Guard and an utterly enraged and wholly dedicated Catachan Devil Officer makes her slip from her post-addled druggie state into one of unconsciousness due to lack a lack of oxygen intake in puny Deldar crack hoe

>The Black Templar just fucking grabs the Sister Superior and drags her away
>Fuck it, he can deal with this bullshit. I'm not even Ordo Hereticus
>Daemon's still in my head
>...You want me to help you turn Astartes into women? Why? No!
>What are you going to do, ka-magic me into a slut? Please. We're doing this MY way.
>I point at the Deathwatch Primaris Marine, then at the Obvious Xeno
>"I think you know what to do. As for the rest of you..."
>Turn towards this Sister Mallory
>"You seem sane. Explain what is going on so I can figure out what needs to die."
>Something happens to the Craftworld
>My xenotech senses are tingling
>Tingling REALLY fucking hard
>Spot a giant lesbian Harlequin wraith construct on the auspex
>Kick back, point my broadside at the thing, and wait
> this inquisitor is acting.... strangely...
> why is she pausing in between actions.
> seemingly staring off into space.
> as if she were speaking with someone.
> there is no crackle of a vox though...
> hmmm...
> suspiciousashell.thought.
>"I think that Catachan is doing a good job dealing with this suspicious suspect, however if you really want them disposed that will not be a problem Inquisitor"
>thank the emperor most Inquisitors forget that a Kill Team is under their command if no higher Deathwatch instance or an Ordo Xenos Inquisitor overrules them
>I wanted to watch the battering and see that coked-up bitch cry, those fuckers raided my village so often when I was little
>Be Screamer marine Rage Rage, very clever name I know
>Got told to go beat up toasters on flying toaster
>Do toasters have skulls?
>Who cares, fire looks cool
>Break open door of transport
>Jump onto bridge window of the ship
>Others follow my lead
>Start hitting the window with my axe
>Ah, lesbian harlequin wraith construct
>Just as planned
>It is of course not something ridiculous and unexpected.
>Nope, not at all
>The Slaaneshi energies around here are quite high
>It is getting to worrying levels
>Rage marines sneak past my point defense and land on the window of my bridge
>These fuckers are badtouching my Ark
>Nobody bad touches my Ark, they should-
>Remember that my Ark is kinda sorta almost sentient
>Remember that it really hates Chaos marines
>Oh no
>It starts vibrating
>Close the armoured shutters behind the window
>Kick the engines into maximum overdrive and start maneuvering like crazy in hopes of knocking the marines off before the Ark goes rage mode
>Flying toaster starts shaking
>Window has metal behind it
>No skulls
>Pull out meltabomb
>Stick it to my brother Skull Murder
>Push him onto the window
>Soon I will have skulls

>Be "Definitely Tainted by Slaanesh" Sister Superior Gwellian
>Being caned by a Black Templar Chaplain in front of my Battlesisters is extremely humiliating
>Even worse, I don't think it's actually helping at the moment
>Use my power armor's strength to eventually break free from Chaplain's grasp and whirl around, clutching my rear in pain, my new bust's size changing my center of gravity and nearly making me fall over
>Snap angrily at Chaplain
>"You DISCIPLINE a member of the Adepta Sororitas?! IN THE MIDDLE OF A WARZONE NO LESS?!!"
>Look up
>Craftworld Hugiv'safuk is now a giant female wraith construct
>It's still hungry
>Look at Chaplain again
>"We need to get up there and take that out that xeno filth! Now are you going to help me, or am I going to have to purge you as a xenos-defending heretic?!"
>Totally not trying to distract from the fact I'm probably being corrupted by the Warp right now
>Nope, all of this is clearly just the God-Emperor's blessing.
>be me
>was doing so well
>until that astartes stole me from my aeldari faggo bf

>trying to tap out
>"but I am trying to... Help...."
>fuck why doesn't anything go right
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>>...You want me to help you turn Astartes into women? Why? No!
>>What are you going to do, ka-magic me into a slut? Please. We're doing this MY way.
>I don't think we've got much choice in the matter...

>>Spot a giant lesbian Harlequin wraith construct on the auspex
>The whole Craftworld just transformed into a lesbian clown robot, and it's given off massive amounts of sapphic energies

>>The Slaaneshi energies around here are quite high
>>It is getting to worrying levels
>If we don't assert control now, we might end up a quivering mess of uncontrollable scissoring!

> be me.
> by the emperor... these hellions.
> grab boltgun and press it against her forehead.
> "all of you have been corrupted by slaanesh, it is clear from how your armor is so ill fitting for someone of your stature, you shall remain here under my care whilst my brothers dispose of the craftworld, and that is final"
> dig the boltguns barrel into her temple.
> "unless you wish to have the emperor's mercy instead?"
> I have seen FAR too many cases of this to believe that this problem has been solved.
> taintedsistersarealwaystheworst.ptsd
>>it is clear from how your armor is so ill fitting for someone of your stature,
>Freddie better watch it, she's not the only one who's armor isn't fitting so good...
>Suddenly find myself thinking about DAT ASS
>I feel... Jealous? I mean, I'm not curvy at all, and these stupid sisters get to have these big, fat-
>Wait, no. Bad thoughts!
>...Fine, I'll help you
>Give the daemonette access to my powers.
>Just tell me what I have to do.
>You aren't so bad, yknow.
> be Emperor's Champion Ulfric Williams.
> why is the inquisitor looking at the chaplain so intently?
> wait..... what the hell?
> what?
> something is off here.
Inquisitor something is.... off about you... are you.... well?
> something is going on here.
> I do not know what.
> but nothing will stop me from having this answered, not even an emperor damn war.
> suspicionsintensify.hmmm...
>oh the cultist from the cave. But without a hard case.
>would it understand me? Better try.
>Does this thing not have a weapon? >Where is its scarab?
>I can spare a finger or two
>My Ark is telling me that the robot is... Horny?
>Something's still banging on the window
>Please stop
>Meltabomb goes off. It breaks the armaglass, but doesn't crack the shutters
>Call up a bunch of skitarii armsmen with plasma calivers
>Fuck this shit
>Be Me
>Newbie Sororitas Mallory
>Inquisitor is asking me for explanation
>"Well, first we were heading to tell a cogbitch Explorator Magos to stop digging up a field obviously searching for xenotech on this newly rediscovered medieval Imperial world. But she managed to dig up an Eldar Webway gate AND a Necron tomb complex, and both of them are active now."
>"I'm pretty sure that's where the eldar thing in orbit honking at us came from. No idea where the Necrons went, although I think I saw some Flayed Ones running around. We're also being attacked by Word Bears last Gwellian said. She's the one with the vox after all. You could always ask her to contact Canoness Helga and see what's going on."


>Look past Inquisitor at the BT Chaplain and the Sister Superior, who now has a boltgun to her head
>Wait, why does the Chaplain's armor look slightly feminine now?
>"Chaplain Marius, maybe we should get an actual psyker to do this? I don't think a possession of this intensity can be exorcised my mere beating, especially not if the possessed enjoy the beatings. Maybe you and the Inquisitor can use your combined knowledge to let the corruption to let go off her"
>lean over to Gwellian
>Whisper "You used to be such a loyal servant and a great fighter, don't let your envy of Mallory and Angela drive you to become some overinflated bimbo, you're becoming a caricature of a caricature of a once-honourable sister"
>Pray to the emperor that I inherited to ability to be a charismatic speaker from my Primarch
>Some say the lion could make someone do something that was completely against their previous will with just a few sentences
>losing myself in thoughts again
>I just miss my genefather, if he comes back I'll get to brag to Einarr so much
>Lean down to unconscious Deldar and snap her neck 360 degrees around like a fidget spinner pull out Hellpistol and dump an enter charge pack worth of fire directly into both her head and body search and find the Deldar’s soul stone and crush it underneath my boot
>Pull out a cigar and light it order for a Catachan Devil to come and pour Promethium over her body proceed to Commander Shepherd burn that Deldar bitch MW2 style by flicking the cigar directly onto her corpse setting her alight and immolating her
>be me
>fucked off SoB that's secretly an assassin for hire
>my name is Puriah Selios but everyone calls me Purity Seal
>probably still not corrupted
>corrupted sisters being threatened by chaplain

>put purity seal on him
>put purity seal on harkus
>purity seal thr deldar
>purity seal Inquistor
>purity seal on the corrupted sisters
>purity seals make up for my sins

>look for unsealed subjects
>realise i am an unsealed subject
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>Be Battlesister Angela
>Everything has gone to absolute groxshit.
>Giant Eldar robot thing in orbit
>Gwellian's probably possessed/corrupted (as if she wasn't a batshit insane pyromaniac-even by Sororitas standards-before)
>a female Inquisitor drops out of nowhere and is bossing us around like she owns the place
>I mean, she IS an Inquisitor, but she could be nicer about it
>Brother Ephriam's still around, so today isn't a complete loss I guess.
>walk over beside him as he tries to keep Gwellian from getting 'BLAM'd and just watch with a smug look on my face and my chainsword resting on my shoulder.
>"Calm your tits Gwellian. You haven't FALLEN so far that you've lost your self-respect, have you?"
>"She does have a point though. We probably SHOULD figure out a way to get up there and stop that thing from honking over and over. It's an affront to the God-Emperor, and is really REALLY getting on my nerves."
>be big tiddy kriegswoman
>armed with shovel
>some traitorous faggot keeps asking people to pull his finger
>Purity Seal is here
>Biggus dickus is here
>start with the cultist and his finger fetish
>pull his finger>>62672438
>Be Metallic Death Cultist
>This bloody genocide machine is able to talk
>He also knows where the Lord is, finally
>He then holds out his claws and says "Pull my finger."
>Is it being serious right now?
>Decide to lightly tug on one, the sharp finger comes off with a pop
>Oh, alright then, this could be used as a knife
>Hope I can find my scarab on the way to our Lord
>as the body burns fragments of flesh and bone are whipped away
>later a different Deldar will come by and scoop her ashes, burnt bones, etc
>haemonculae will restore her

>only a fragment of her is needed for this
>too bad you stupid Mon'keigh cant come back to life
deldar don't use soulstones
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>>I feel... Jealous? I mean, I'm not curvy at all, and these stupid sisters get to have these big, fat-
>I'll get to you next, but first let's give Gwen some support
>I'll focus our combined energies to biomantically enhance the Sister Superior size over all and her rear specifically...

>>Wait, why does the Chaplain's armor look slightly feminine now?
>...Matching her stature with that of the increasingly voluptuous Black Templars
>"Yes Sister Angela, a whole-heartedly agree, it's so loud that even my power armor can't filter the sound. We should find a way up there to stop that - well, whatever it's supposed to be. But we should either complete Gwellians exorcism or leave her here, because a slaanesh-possessed Sororita with breasts the size of beach balls is the last thing you want to romp around a slaaneshi chaos ship"
>Pray to the Emperor, my genefather and even the Omnissiah that Gwellians soul can be saved, it would be a horific loss otherwise, and I'm not just saying that because I want a big tiddy Sororita GF
>well maybe a little bit for that reason but Angela or Mallory seem to have significantly more bearable personalities
>Why am I doing this?
>Why am I letting you turn Black Templars into busty... Fem-marines?
>I don't care to stop the daemonette
>I pour my biomantic energies into her, fully granting her my power
>She says she'll get to me later
>I should be stopping this, but I'm too curious about what she'll do with me to try
>...You're making me feel things I forgot I could feel.
>Come over from dead executed Deldar and listen intently to the conversation and long-winded explanation given out by the SoB
>Flash her a charismatic smile and asks if she requires a weapon and some back-up until she can meet-up with her fellow Sisters
>Reach with bulging biceps and a strong grasp while stepping forward towering over her hold out and place into her hands & embrace a spare Heavy Bolter
>Look at jealous Inquisitor supped up in power armor, examine the two Lord Astartes of the Deathwatch, take into account the incoming other Battle Sister with a smug sense of her face not to mention the ass holding recently disciplined SoB who just got paddled kinda like how I spanked and rocked that one Sister Hospitaller while serving aboard the Inquisitorial Flagship and alongside Regimental Cannon Fodder

>Cock back the mechanism of the Bolt Pistol and look up at the Eldar Craftworld

>You literally got toasted and immolated to ash by being doused and burned by and with Promethium your gone you bimbo ballerina
>gives him a purity seal
>"I think it is likely that she has been lost. If we are to save her we must confine her and subject her to continuous purification. That will take too long, we should get into that craftworld... Also I am getting the feelingd the warp is strong here. My faith acts as a shield to the chaos gods, but how long until their power is all consuming? The EMPEROR wishes us to go from this place."

>waves at big tiddy kriegswoman
>gives her purity seal
>"also hi breezy. Watch out for... Chest region growth"
>PS is almost flat chested herself, making her EXTRA safe
>Be me.
>Be Enginseer.
>Walk our onto surface, plasma gun in hand.
>Necrons, chaos, everyone is here.
>And there’s a Necron.
>Shoot the fuck out of it, pick up a rod of steel and start beating it.
>it seems it does speak.
>time to shuffle to the lord.
>this thing probably cannot tunnel.
>but judging by how the ground is being ripped up around us it seems my kin finished dinner.
>look at them all, with their silly hats and bone armor.
>this dress is so freeing though I pity them.
Needles get blood in them and they are scattered everywhere mate; bimbo ballerina will return next time on dragonball Z[/spoilers]
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>Be 'Heretek' Magos Alexia
>was carried/dragged to freedom by Emperor's Champion Ulfric Williams
>Is damaged/half Necrodermized due to spending time 'serving Necron Overlord', no longer have half my legs
>Is groggily woken up by loud honking noise
>See giant Female Eldar construct in the sky
>"I demand to know if there's any more Chaos presence in the system, Khornate, Over"
>Slave informs me his most probable destination is the capital city
>Alright, since my brothers seem to decide to be incompetent as one can possibly get...
>Command my terminators to go on the Khornate's future location
>The loyalists will probably try to assault it when they'll see termies and a new arrival there
>Still no portal tho
>I wish Eliphas was there
>He is good with portals, as far as I can remember
> be Ulfric Williams,
> notice my brother changing...
> thiscanonlybewarptaint.slaanesh.
> none of us are psykers though....
> unless.....
> I turn to the inquisitor.
ma'am.... you wouldn't happen to be a psyker. would you?
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>Unfortunately we're not the ones powering the males transformations, it's that giant [HONK]ing Wraith woman in orbit
>She's giving off 6.9 jizzayuri's of girl-on-girl power, at this rate will be lucky if it doesn't transform the planet ITSELF into a girl
>"No-one is ever truly lost, Sister... But I'm relatively certain that spanking a Sister that is tainted by Slaanesh won't help. At all. In fact, I'm relatively certain it won't help at all. Perhaps we should take stock of this situation before anyone does something they'll regret? As for the Sister Superior... I can watch over her. The Aeldari have never been my strong suit."
>Look up to the sky
>Maybe we should focus on the ground, and let the Ark Mechanicus deal with... That? I thought you were helping.
>"we really need tk deal with that before-"
>necrons even start growing tits and asses
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>slap purity seal to the face
>gonna drill some heretic ass with this shovel
>female space marines
>tell the purity seal tossing sister to get the flamer
>all the flamers
>the biggest fucking flamers
>>Maybe we should focus on the ground, and let the Ark Mechanicus deal with... That?
>Sure, plenty of shitheads to "correct" down here anyways

>>I thought you were helping.
>I am, I'm putting that Sororita on an even footing with the marines!

>>necrons even start growing tits and asses
>You make that sound like it's a BAD thing...
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> be me rogue trader Anne Portia Medici
> finally arrive in orbit above the planet.
> shipment of weapons for the siste-
> what
> the
> fuck?
> dammit....
> why does this always happen?
> gets up and decides to go down to the planet to investigate in person.
> I don't know what the fuck is going on.
> but goddammit I'm getting paid for these boltguns.
> one way or another.
>be me
>Be cruising on chimera full speed plowing through the lines.
>Hear [HONK] in the skies
>Pulls out massive vox casters from all ports of the chimera
>Starts pumping out at full volume Doom music track
>Yeah, getting off this thing
>Me and the other Tzeentch boys teleport down to the planet.
>It’s a good thing we got off that thing before-
>Pink lightning strikes one of the Tzaangors, and suddenly it looks like pic related
>Blue footed booby.jpg
>This is getting out of hand
>spanks chevalier
>slaanesh is taking control
>oh it was just a purity seal
>that's.... Loyal?
>"We really need to solve this. I can feel the fingers of creeping chaos. If we have any hope of not devolving into sex obsessed, drug fiending, sweat goblins we need to focus on that..."
>"THING. And pray to the EMPRAH to see us defeat his enemies."

>Be Metallic Death Cultist
>The bloody machine asks me if our Lord would like either a dress or a hat
>I think a hat would fit him better
>"A nice hat would fit our lord I suppose"
>be rouge trader Billy Mays
>see some uppity rouge trader showing up in the system
>perfect I need a new ship
>hail fellow trader
>hope we wont kill each other
>maybe she's not a dominatrix like the last one
>why are all femfatal rouge traders dominatrixes?
>hail the... medici vessel?
>pasta pasta
> be me, Victor Samson, crusader....
> leave the.... thing, after the daemon finally fucking died.
> notice the space marine growing tits...
> whatthefuckisthisheresy.slaanesh
> see harkus not growing tits.
> everyone else is. Even the other fucking catachans.
> I bet fucking slaanesh did this.
> god emperor's holy nutsack why is this happening.
> see potentially slaaneshi sisters.
> mustresisturgetostab.purge
> I don't know why. but I feel like he's somehow responsible for this bullshit.
>be me
>my only job is burning heretics
>with a massive flamer
>female space marines
>burn the heresy away

"We have to act immediately, you're right -- But we're a small group. We stand no chance of doing anything to anything of THAT size. We should-"
>Daemonette's bitching at me again
>I mean, you're right about that, but I really think turning space marines into... That is excessive. If you need to do stuff like that, can't you focus on me instead?
>I nod at the purity seal Sister, sit down, and cross my legs.
>We should meditate. Pray to him for His blessing, before we head into battle. Acting brashly will do nothing to help us."
>Hope they don't realize I'm just as confused as they are
>"Yes Inquisitor, save her soul. If I come back from there and find that corruption has claimed I will personally slaughter every fucking knife ear in this system personally since they're the closest thing to blame for slaanesh shit when the actual gimps aren't showing themselves. Mark my words!"
>I realise things are getting awfully Slaanesh-y now, I'm fairly certain Chaplain Marius' thigh and bottom armor creaked a little, he also seemed to have let out an awfully girly wimper
>The only ones that seem to be free from the influence are champion Ulfric, a few of the Catachans and me, thankyouuncleguilliman.litany
>even Angela and Mallory and seem to be contorting into even more exaggerated figures
>they seem to be in shock rather than enjoyment though, that's good I guess?
>I need someone to home into my position and quickly teleport all available untainted forces off this dirtball
>remember those rogue traders in orbit
>"This is Brother Ephraim of Kill Team Gamma-Crucifix requesting emergency teleport onto any available imperial ship. The Deathwatch will reimburse you well if that's what you were asking!"
> be rogue trader Anne Portia Medici
> hear billy mays
> the fucking traveling salesman?
> respond.
I'll get to you in a second hun, I have a delivery of bolters to deliver to the bolter bitches.
> arrive on planet's surface.
> find the catachan second there.
> the.
> catachan
> second.
> mother. fucking. harkus.
> strut down the street.
> damnImakethislookgood.saucy
> see Victor and HARKUS talking to a few... female space marines and the bolter bitches.
> draw laspistols

>Chimera at full speed and at full boom box volume
>Sees Harkus with tits while talking to ... marines with tits
>Blasts Doom music volume to max
>Chimera drifts to get away fullspeedtankdrift.emperorprotects
>"I am pretty sure I am going to have to... Fuck it. Female space marines are too heretical!"

>begins spraying the marines that look feminine with promethium
>intentionally avoids primaris, breezy, and other SoBs because networking/nepotism bias

>yeah at least Purtiy Seal isn't afflicted with Slaanesh yet
>though it may just be because she is totally batshit
>even Astartes armor cannot protect from a heacy flamer blasting promethium
>actually are we sure she isn't khornate?

>Be "Definitely Corrupted By Slaanesh" Sister Superior Gwellian
>resist urge to gouge Angela's eyes out and stuff them down her throat
>"Yes, the Inquisitor can take care of me."
>Realize my ass is bigger and my center of gravity is 'relatively normal' now.
>Look at Brother Ephriam and smile nervously.
>"Don't worry, I'll be fine. Really I am."
>Spot Necrons growing tits and asses
>grab flamer from the (increasingly feminine(?) Chaplain, get ready to stomp off and burn the nearest group of heretics I can find.
>Stops and grabs Inquisitor by her power-armor
>"You're coming with me damn it."
>Send psychic message to the idiot loyalists as the new large busted bird woman becomes increasingly confused
>”Hi there, Savorius of the Thousand Sons here. You may have noticed that everyone is growing tits. I myself am fearing for my manly chest at this point, so could you please deal with it before we all become characters in some porno-slate?”
>The other Tzaangors begin showing off their feathers and muscles to the transformed one
>Literaly peacocking
>Do Tzaangors even have females normally?
>starts blasting the fem marines with pyromethium
>starts blasting everything purple with pyromethium
>be uberferno
>holding the trigger to the flamer in one hand while holding it on her elbow and armpit while tossing frags with the other
>the oxythrone covering the battlefield starts to ignite
> be chaplain Marius Alfred.
> why do I have breasts?
> whatisthisheresy.warp
> how ghastly
> look at the deathwatch
> voice is higher now.
> try to walk.
> howdowomenwalkwiththesethings.stumble
everyone stop, it is clear that there is warp trickery afoot, and we are all affected by it in some way. Therefore... our first course of action should be to sort this out.
> see the clown thing in the sky.
this began occuring once the thing in the sky showed up.... therefore that is possibly the source of all th-
> gets rudely interrupted by having to dodge promethium stream.
> proceed to lunge forward and repeatedly thrust toward the exposed pressure points with the pointed edge of the cane, intentionally disabling the wrists, fingers, arms, and knees.

>"I'll watch over her. If anyone can save this Sister, it should be me. Watch over your brothers, Astartes, and-"
>The other uncorrupted Sister has lost her patience
>She's done dealing with this
>See her flamer
>"They're your Sisters, after all. You... Can decide how to punish them
>I nod at Gwellian. She seems to be regaining her sanity.
>The daemonette seems to be leaving me alone, too. That's goo-
>Sister Superior grabs my hand and tries to pull me with her
>"I'm coming with you of my own choice. Lead the way, Sister Superior
>Decide to tag along with Gwellian, and ignore the Sorceror because fuck Tzeentch
>Seriously, I'm 99% sure that anything he says is a lie
>Look around at the rest of the Catachad Jungle Devil’s, they are immune to this warp sex change, as am I and my Crusader friend who’s accompanied us on a number of crusades, battles, and wars
>Turn my attention from the SoB, the Inquisitor, the Female Astartes and the rest of my men and co. to the RT
>See the Rogue Trader and immediatly fall back into an entranced state of admiring the sway of herself and how she carries herself, goddamn one of the best women I’ve seen and had the privilege of being with
>Be reminiscing about her for quite a bit before realizing she’s baying for my blood and yelling out my name while unholstering her laspistols
>Survival instincts kick and I dive into a solid fully protected cover in the form of a sandbag fortress with camo netting and a stationary Heavy Stubber emplacement
Hey, there Portia... it’s great to see you again, honey. So, how’ve you been since I bought out my contract and left? You still look as frakking beautiful as always my dear!
>Be me.
>Be only person unaffected.
>be kriegswoman
>see SOBuddy going after the fem-chaplain
>chaplain's tits are bigger than mine
>has the nerve to pull some WWE the seal-bearer
>jump over the burnt corpse of a fem-marine slam the chaplain over the head with a shovel
>die mutant bitches
>covered in promethium
>maybe trying to get into melee range with of a SoB with a heavy flamer who does not suffer the mutant was a bad idea
>PS is screaming
>Familiar reeing is heard from around the corner.
>Still hitting it with rebar, hoping I won’t get corrupted by the tech heresy.
>the cultist has good taste, the lord loves his headdresses.
>says it make him look "fly"
>We are getting closer, so much talking is coming from ahead it HAS to be our lord.
>wait it looks like there is only meat and hard cases ahead.
> be me, chaplain Marius
> covered in promethium
> raise boltgun and fire, striking the promethium canister of the flamer and igniting it.
> stopdropandroll.extinguish.
>Oh, neat, the Imperials are killing each other in an insane catfight
>And there goes another Tzaangor
>At least the others are now split into two groups fighting over their affection instead of just one brawl
>The first one is already capitalizing on it
>I mean, do I have to do anything actually? My psychic defenses are pretty high
>If I just lay low and stay away from direct efforts, I should come out unscathed
>"Gwellian, are you sure you are clean of chaotic influence? I didn't see you spazm or scream or float or whatever, isn't that what an exorcism looks like?"
>at least it did in all those old terran videopicts I watched on mars
>probably made-up bullshit like so many things coming from the cogbrains
>"Well then Gwellian, where do you inted to go? If you stay with the rest of us we might be teleported onto some imperial ship"
>hell at this point I'm willing to take the help from that birdfucker who @everyone'd this planet psychically
>so far I'm not physically turning into a woman but I'm not looking to test out how incorruptible Cawl and Lord Guilliman made us
> be me, marisa Clarion Von Engel.
> helping nice voidsmen unload weapons...
> they're always so helpful and polite.
> I thank them with a smile
> smileofpuresunshine.innocence
> this town looks interesting.
> Maybe i'll go look around.
> wait... why do I smell shit on fire.
> grab boltgun and sprint towards the fighting.
> turn a corner to see....
> harkus?
> Victor?
> wait.... is that?
> breezy?
> internallysqueeing.happiness
>Pulls out macrobinoculars while moving at full speed to see this
>Runs over >>62673557 who was fighting another "bump" on the road
>Full blown Doom music sound track makes this entire scene beautiful with all the prometheum around.
>The bumps on the road are now following rhythmically with the drums of the sound track.
>promethium tank is rapidly leaking
>fire spewing
>take flamer off and throw it at the mutant

>it explodes in his face disfiguring him
> take off helmet.
> reduced to molten slag
> fire boltgun repeatedly at the hellion who dares to attack an astartes.

>Be Me
>Newbie Sororitas Mallory
>Why is my body growing in all the right places?!
>What did I do to deserve such blessings from the Holy God-Emperor of Mankind?
>This is that Slaaneshi stuff Brother Ephriam was talking about, isn't it?
>Glance over at Battlesister Angela, who's experiencing similar changes
>Briefly wonder if this such a bad thing
>Look at Chaplain(ette?) Alfred, who's currently dodging an overzealous Purity and... a Kriegswoman hitting him on the helm with a shovel?
>And is his (or is it her?) belt buckle talking?!
>Turn to hear Harkus Straken and Rogue Trader Medici arguing, just as Chaplain Marius blows up Purity's promethium canister
>Quietly grabs Primaris Brother Ephraim and whispers quietly
>"We should probably follow Gwellian and the Inquisitor. I don't want those two to get lost or anything."
>Totally not trying to avoid getting caught up in the Catachan/Rogue Trader crossfire
>Giggiling madly as I watch this farce through a crystal ball
>The Tzaangors brought popcorn
>And also regular corn
>Get stuck in wheels, eventually flipping up into the air and sticking the landing onto the vehicle.
> grab harkus by the collar and shove a laspistol underneath his chin.
> notice several catachan second and templars staring.
> evenfuriousImakethislookgood.vain
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>If you need to do stuff like that, can't you focus on me instead?
>>Stops and grabs Inquisitor by her power-armor
>Now that we've diffused that situation, yes, but I must admit Termi armor isn't very flattering

>>If I just lay low and stay away from direct efforts, I should come out unscathed

>>so far I'm not physically turning into a woman but I'm not looking to test out how incorruptible Cawl and Lord Guilliman made us
>Slow and steady wins the race...
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>that shot would totally have hit her
>as you fire a portal of colors opens and...
>some kind of xenos beast strides out,t aking you bolt fire like a champ
>it carries 12 extra powerful sonic speakers connected to a bass guitar
>held by EC marine
>deafening bass riff
>why does this farmgirl do this at all the wrong times?
>start yelling at argi-girl that we're fighting mutants and she needs to-
>get that booty over here and help us with the disgusting titty-marines
>need more pyromethium
>need more shovels need more
>whisper back "I never intended otherwise, there's something fishy about that Inquisitor"
>"You'd think since women seem to be influenced most strongly by this unholy curse we'd be seeing some effects, even the completely flat and wholly devoted Sister in your squad has gone from literally no boobs to petite"
>yet the Inquisitor seems to be unchanged
>and she wants to stick with Gwellian, who seems to have regained her sanity but with chaos you can never be too sure

top kek
>Is struck by lightning
>Me and my big thoughts
>Or should I say thots.begone?
>Look down
>All is bust
>Sees autistic heretic that he has seen before
>Compelled to shoot him off of my chimera
>Compelled to throw him beneath the tracks
>Compelled to bolter him
>Really compelled to throw him in the way of a flamer.
Make the music louder OR get off of my chimera.
>gets back to watching >>62673866
> get blasted through a fucking wall.
> wothitme.vox
> try to stand up...
> wait.... why can't i feel the armor?
> look down to see...
> armor in tatters, holes everywhere, blood and skin pouring through.
> collapse into unconsciousness.
> ow...
>at last even jer zealousness begins to crack under the weight od chaos
>her flat chest grows slowly
>she flees from the EC and mutant

>runs back to the Immolator
>retrieves heavy bolter
>SoB always bring extra guns for those extra heretical problems
>slap purity seal on it

>creaking armor
>purity seal chest
>it fixes the taint for now
> overhear the two discussing something.
> decide to cut in.
> I whisper to them
> "is it possible that she is a psyker in hiding, and is the one behind all of this?"
>Be Metallic Death Cultist
>Lord seems to be in the middle of a group of metal behemoths
>No idea how we're going to get to him
>Unsure how we're going to get to him
>We can't even see him
>Decide to try and sneak up

>Be me
>Battlesister Angela
>Well, apparently much more voluptuous now because of that corrupted(?) Eldar construct floating up in the sky
>Probably going to need new power armor afterward, this suit is quickly becoming uncomfortable
>Watch Purity Seal, Chaplain(ette?) and Kriegswoman Breezy in a ridiculous catfight
>Smack everyone over the head with the flat of my chainsword
>Point business end of chainsword at Chaplain(ette?)
>I swear to the Throne, I'd have made one excellent drill sergeant in the Guard.
>I swear if that Eldar warp fuckery changes me anymore I'll grab that male Eldar Mallory stuffed in the Repressor and ride him like jetbike until he dies from exhaustion
>Nearly go deaf from bass riff
>Turn and whack EC marine in the head with flat of Chainsword, still in VERY INTIMIDATING drill sergeant mode
>be voidsman guarding the rouge trader
>well thats what she gets for hoeing around
>still think you could have give the kids to the tempestus scion
>Focus on you? You might actually have a point.
>I decide to just let the Sister drag me where she needs to go, hoping I can keep an eye on her
>Mentally, I turn inwards to focus on the daemonette.
>"Terminator armor? Well, of course it isn't very flattering. It's not meant to-"
>anotice that my chestplate suddenly has two large cups on it
>With a chain linking them
>Well, at least I'm not filling them out
>Do you have a plan to solve this, daemon?
>Overclock the vox, nearly blowing it out.
>Continue working on amplifying it.
>be me
>EV marine on top of monster with power bass and speakers
>quiet for once in my life
>"Yes, Ma'am sorry..."
>puts guitar down and mopes
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>>Do you have a plan to solve this, daemon?
>Well what needs solving?
>Getting the giant elf clown under control?
>Bringing the various Spiky Marines fucking shit up under heel?

>>Turn and whack EC marine in the head with flat of Chainsword, still in VERY INTIMIDATING drill sergeant mode
>Looks like she's got command of that situation over there
>Be Me
>Catachan Devil Officer of the Catacan II, be told I’m a father from my former lover / paramour
>Smiling warmly he pushes aside the laspistol pressed under his chin and brings her into a fuckin’ Catachan (pronounced as: Cata-Can) Devil hug
>Takes ahold of her and using his innate natural selection baby ogryn peak biceps he swings & whirls her around with fluid agility and grace he laughs as he does so bringing her down back onto the ground
Anne Portia Medici, the mother of my children and the esteemed Rogue Trader of the Medici fleet & dynasty. All I can say is that truth... I didn’t know, and I’m glad to have been I told. If I’d known Rose, I never would’ve have left you alone or them. Now tell me what’re their names, are they a boy or a girl, is it only one or twins? Would you like to get married, because I would do so for you.
>All of the above, but first and foremost, I need these people to want to trust me. To not see me as a threat.
>Just do whatever you have to do to make them most definitely not see me as a danger. Whatever that is. Then, we can tackle the other problems.
>Can you at least manage that?
>be me
>purity seal
>once flat chested
>is fighting what Slaanesh wants us to do?
>why can't we all just get along?
>nah that's heresy

>shoots chaplain mutant
>can't pull trigger?
>why not
>that chaplain does look pretty... Cute... With her armor all, gone
>maybe... Maybe she can be helped if I show them mercy...
>patches up their bleeding wounds and organs

>breasts grow more, cracking her now poorly fitted armor

>Be Me
>Newbie Sororitas Mallory
>Look at Ulfric with a confused expression
>tilts head
>"Aren't... all Inquisitors psykers?"
>Be Savorius, Sorcerer-
>Sigh, sorceress...
>Of the Thousand Sons
>Pissed off
>Psychically contact the daemon orchestrating this shit
>”Hey, bitch! Fix this! It’s Thousand Sons, not Thousand Daughters!”
>when she finishes the medical procedure
>slaps chevalier on tit with purity seal
>>Can you at least manage that?
>I can try, but those marines are pretty crazy already
>Run MILFication.EXE
>Be Justinian Von Engel.
>House Operative of the Navis Nobilite, unofficial Spymaster of the Rogue Trader Dynasty of Medici, Acolyte of Lord Inquisitor Jackson Matthias of the Ordo Hereticus and Agent of the Golden Throne.
>Loyalty lies exactly in that order.
>Balancing out being a triple quite well.
>Hears that Sister in Law took took to this clusterfuck and that there is tainted Sisters, Necrons and too many other forms of heresy on this backwater hellscape.
>Activates Cameleoline Cloak and begins to wonder around this shitfest.
>Done with this groxshit before it has began.EXE
>"Honestly I don't think so Sister, at least the ones from the Ordo Xenos I've worked with certainly weren't"
>maybe they would've actually been useful then
>However she did try to read Gwellians mind earlier so I assume our answer is yes. Though I'm not sure she's behind this, her appearal and things going haywire seemed to coincide awfully well
>Be me
>Be elite oathsworn voidsman
>Have been trained to be a peace bringing arbite
>See your superior get approached by previous Cum and Run
>Use peaceful option 1
You are not authorized for that action
>Use shock baton to peacefully make him reconsider his actions
>Use shock glove when checking for weapons when he is on floor
>Yes bustybattlesister
>we're going to need more seals
>that armor looks heavy
>we should be fighting
>everything looks so feminine
>super corruption going on here
>fuck this
>fuck the battlesister
>fuck the chaplain
>Lets fuck

>A fucking Sister slaps a purity seal onto my tit
>"Hey, stop that, you vile-"
>Why do I feel weird?
>Realize that my chest is swelling to fill out the cups in my armor... Which are themselves getting bigger
>Know I should be freaking out
>My hips are getting wider, too
>...Why am I not freaking out?
>Feels like I'm getting a bit older, but... Healthier, too?
>...What are you doing, daemon?
> be me, marisa clarion von engel
> Is fighting over now?
Ummmm..... breezy? Why were you fighting an astartes? Aren’t they sons of the emperor? Also....
> she taps her index fingers together.
It’s uhhh... it’s good to see you, can I.... hug you?
> i just wanted to sat hi to an old friend.
> i haven’t seen you in 18 months.
> just let me hug you dammit.
>Be me Triple Agent of the Millennium
>Find Sister in Law with the Sisters of Batlle.
>Waits in the shadows to see where this is going and pict-records this for Lord Jackson.
>Gets hit by shock baton
>Kinda tickles, makes my muscles convulse and twitch somewhat violently and hurts slightly
>Grab him by his shock glove hand and the hand which wields the shock baton
>Headbutts the so-called Elite Voidsmen right in the fuckin’ gob

"Daughter of the EMPEROR, right? Eh, Breezy?"
>fuck what a bad joke
>why are we no longer fighting
>why aren't we ending this chaos
>fuck those mutants
>fuck that Inquistor
>fuck breezy is cute
>i can barely tell what enemies are with all these feminine figures
>stick by breezy
>Breezy is safe
>too close to breezy
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>>why can't we all just get along?
>>Lets fuck

>>Psychically contact the daemon orchestrating this shit
>>”Hey, bitch! Fix this! It’s Thousand Sons, not Thousand Daughters!”
>I didn't orchestrait nothing, your the one who threw one of my sisters into that Infinity Circuit!
>Besides, aren't you Tzeentchans all about "change"?

>>Feels like I'm getting a bit older, but... Healthier, too?
>>...What are you doing, daemon?
> smile, and then knee him in the testicles as hard as possible, creating a loud "crack"
> nutcracker.pain
that's sweet darlin' but you missed your chance when you ran off back to catachan and took some of my crew with ya' leaving me alone and knocked up... just like all of the others.
> fucking gigolo,
> I hope that broke his balls.
gary stu, being stronk doesn't make nerves stop working
>Be me mercenary hired to guard some crops on a shity feudal world cause "we heard you we're the best of the best" now I'm stuck on a shity feudal world in the middle of a war god emperor fucking dammit and the man who hired me is still alive and he's a pervert.
>”I don’t fucking care! Fix this!”
>Gestures to boob plate and hips
>”Do you have a plan even! What’s the fucking goal here!”
>A tzaangor offers her a flower he picked for her
“Oh, um, thank you.”
>Takes flower
>be me
>get hit with headbutt on helmet
>it cracks
>peace option 2
>9 more oathsworn voidsmen pop up from apparently nowhere
>10 men start now beating on the catachan that seems to be growing tits.
>9 with thunder hammers 1 with electro baton
>Stun baton to the nuts seems to be having an effect on tit growth and muscle mass loss for the Catachaner
>Realize everyone else is getting into this
>Having a LOT of trouble not fantasizing about the Sisters
>Having even more trouble focusing on anything BUT them.
>...Keep helping, Daemon. Help more.
>I mean... It couldn't hurt to have some fun, right?
>I can enjoy myself... I'll go stop those heretics later.
>that hurts like so much
>god and in being in a planet feels wird
>and why every ona has tits and big ass
>i want tits and ass
>bitch there's a goddamn clown in the sky and you want a hug
>is this woman immune to context?
>she's always been cute
>I guess she's cute
>grab farmgirl and
>Artillery need copious amounts of artillery
>place them on this hill here
>that skyscraper there
>orbital bombardment here right now
>everyone here is cute
>her shape begins growing

>hnnng breezy
>Be me totally loyal Agent of the Golden Throne.
>Sees my Lords daughter with a daemon of some form as well as a Inquisitor.
>Concern 2 Electric Boogaloo
>Talks up to the group and decloaks.
>"Hello, my fellow Loyalists"
> turn away from the man as he's pummeled to the ground by the oathsworn,
> signal justinian...
get me jackson, it would appear we're in yet another clusterfuck
> why can't we just have ONE shipment that DOESN'T END IN ALL OUT WAR.
> lamentersluck.warp

>Be "Totally Not Worshiping Slaanesh" Sister Superior Gwellian
>Dragging Inquisitor along so I can find heretics to burn
>Or at least somewhere I can find a way to get up to the KnifeEaredLesbian...Robot... Craftworld... THING
>Feel something weird going on behind me
>Look back and realize daemonette is changing the Inquisitor's armor and she looks a lot... more appealing now
>Grab Inquisitor by the shoulders and hisses
>"Damn it daemon, are you trying to get us both exposed?!"
>Why am I hissing?
>Why does my tongue feel longer?
>Stick out tongue and realize it's much much longer than it should be
>Damn it why does the Inquisitor get all the fun effects?!
>Cheeks get red and I turn away to spot the Thousand Son Sorcer...ess...? in the distance
>(S)He's the one responsible for this mess right?
>"Can I set her on fire and solve the problem from down here?"
>Maybe have naughty funtimes with Chevalier later/sooner
>purity seal on his shoulder
>a man not with tits
>purity seal on herself

"Hello, loyal servant. We are also... Loyal servants."
>well my brothers are doing some thing i must do it too
>o fuck
miss medicci are we going becose i want to pungh the catachan devil my self
>Get kneed in the groin by baby mama and former lover, fall onto my knees cradling crotch even while wearing a groin protector it still hurts something fierce
>Be beaten by Oathsworn Bodyguards with the fury of a bunch of pent-up cops taking out their frustrations on the civilian populace
>Stands up after their done with their beatdown, smile fiercely with wreckless abandon as he makes his way along sustaining himself with his will alone seeing to the city’s defense
>Sees the Inquisitor and Sister
>Their assets are bigger than mine. Confusing jealousy?
>Raise staff
>”Stay right there or I’ll blow a hole through your head with the power of the mind!”
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>be Rouge Trader Billy Mays
>haven't heard anything from tits-Mc-trader
>decide to give her a call
>activate direct feed to ten trillion vox skulls
>no more oxythrone
>several new warp signatures appear in-system
>more shipments of Oxythrone have arrived
>the rest of the sales fleet has arrived
"I would also like to go. Before Slaanesh gets its fingers in my...- brain. My soul."
>and in my breezy
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>be me
>sees booty he recognizes from miles away
>lets pick up the crazy in leather chick and the booty next to it
>walking toward the city where this clusterfuck started.
Why in the hell are we walking towards this cluster fuck?
>Mister burch coughs.
"Beacause my dear companion we are going to solve this so called 'cluster fuck'"
>he continues onwards judeus follows behind her master.
>"Yes, so explain to me what you and our totally loyal friends are doing here."
>Looks at her armour and purity seals.
>Urge to purge rises. If you catch my drift.
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>that's sweet darlin' but you missed your chance when you ran off back to catachan and took some of my crew with ya' leaving me alone and knocked up... just like all of the others.
>You know with how much Muliebrous psyker energy wafting about, you might be able repay the Lieutenant the favor...

>>10 men start now beating on the catachan that seems to be growing tits.
>Like SO!
>>muscle mass loss for the Catachaner

>>”I don’t fucking care! Fix this!”
>Go whine to your patron if you want something different, the big blue bird will be more than willing to transform you again

>>”Do you have a plan even! What’s the fucking goal here!”
>Fucking IS the goal here, lots of lesbian fucking, possibly for the purpose of procreation!

>>...Keep helping, Daemon. Help more.
>Sure thing boss, but we can probably do more...

>>Or at least somewhere I can find a way to get up to the KnifeEaredLesbian...Robot... Craftworld... THING
>If we can get onto that ship!
>Turn around from my chat with Ulfric, Angela and Mallory
>Gwellian is running off
>the Inquisitor also now more closely resembles a daemon prince of Slaanesh rather than a loyal Inquisitor
>at the same time, her face looks the same
>there's a birdfucker in the distance
>"You know what, I've had enough of this and if that fuck isn't to blame I don't know who is"
>Gesture everyone to charge with me
>Make reckless charge after Gwellian and towards the Sorcerer, not even checking if Ulfric and the sisters followed me
>”You know what? Fuck it. I’ll help you. Slaanesh and Tzeentch have no natural hatred besides godly rivalry. The gate to the former craftworld should still work.”

>Gathers big titty energy from the local space and fires it at the charging space marine

>"...Fellow Loyalists? What? Er -- Yes, I mean! Of course. Of course."
>Nod and hope the dude didn't notice
>The Sister grabs me by the shoulders
>Emperor, she's hot. Holy throne!
>I'm pretty positive that she realizes that I'm ogling her even with my helmet
>Turn towards the Sorceress(?) as the SoB scolds the daemon
>I plant a hand on the Sister's left shoulder
>"No, it's not her. It's... I don't know."
>"Why don't we go somewhere private? Or... Well..."
>We can do more. You're right. What do you need me to do to fix this?
>Shout at the marine
>"Wait! You don't have to do this!"
>... Save me, daemon.
> notice the primaris charge towards the inquisitor who now resembles a daemon prince.
> follow him in his charge.
> easily keep pace with the larger astartes
> raise flat of the blade up
remember brother, we need her if we are to undo what she has done, lest this whole planet be purged.
yhea you arre right maybe we shuld get out of here
>still wanted the tits and ass
>breathing heavily
"We're... We're..."
>what are we doing?
>she's the one?
>I will deal with her later
>this man is far more important
"If you'll... Follow me into the Immolator I arrived I arrived in I can show you ALL of our... Deepest- er I mean, I can unveil our plans of attack to you..."
>grabs his hand, and tries to lead him to it
>armor cracks some more, and her skin is barely visible past it
"I need to change my armor anyway... I have a lot of battle damage..."
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>>Make reckless charge after Gwellian and towards the Sorcerer, not even checking if Ulfric and the sisters followed me
>>Gathers big titty energy from the local space and fires it at the charging space marine

>>"Wait! You don't have to do this!"
>>... Save me, daemon.
>>charge towards the inquisitor
>Get hit with blast of energy from birdfucker staff
>I see a slideshow of womanly things in my head, imagine seeing myself as a woman
>suddenly some servo-skull appears in my comatose dream
>swats the heresy away with a big fan
>knocked out by psychic blast, watch as ulfric charges past me, but it seems the two Sisters are rushing to my aid
>Looks at the Inquisitor struggle to declare their loyality.
>Screams internally.
>Whips out Inquisitorial Rosarius.
>"Ordo Hereticus, I'm taking over."
>Suddenly realize what I have to do
>I have to fix this Black Templar up
>He's the only one left
>Take in a deep breath
>Let the daemonette into my soul
>Focus my mind, and... Release a beam of daemon prince titty magic into the Black Templar
>...You know, daemonette, I am pretty jealous of those Sisters. I mean... I deserve to be the best looking, don't you think?
>"You aren't taking over shit. This involves daemons. Either help me stop these idiots or face the consequences."
>our pack has grown to almost 20 at this point.
>More warriors are getting hungry, and this whole lot seems to be very, very distracted.
>time for a picnic.
>shuffle out into the open.
>twenty hungry flayed one burst out from the ground, all screaming bloody murder.
>Charge the fucker holding the overlord.
>slash the chaplains now exposed face.
> realize that some things are changing...
> denythewitchbitch.fuckyou
> not today heretic
> raise up fist, bring it down onto helmet.
> smash helmet and then grab gorget at the front of the armor,
> place foot on crotch section and proceed to use PURE FUCKING RIGHTEOUS RAGE to tear the chestplate off.
> tear the inquisitor out of the armor.
> bring her up to eye level
gender change, explain, now.
> optic lenses flaring like red miniature suns.
> rageofatrillionkhornates.anger.
>Laughs as the warp energy changes the marine’s body and armor

>Grabs the Inquisitor and pulls her along
>”We need to run away!”
>why does this not affect me
>I don't even mind she's a HERETIC
>internal strife

>Be me
>Newbie Sororitas Mallory
>Canoness Helga is going to skin me alive for this.
>I haven't even a Sister of Battle for a full year yet and I'm gonna end up in a Penitent Engine for letting things get so out of hand!
>Notice that most of the people around me have given into their base desires.
>Even Battlesister Angela is starting to look... aroused
>Chase after Ulfric and Brother Ephriam, bolter clutched in my hands.
>Would hold it higher but my bust is making things feel incredibly awkward.

>Sees 2nd Inquisitor.
>accidentally trip and faceplant into the ground, instinctively tightening my finger on the trigger and shooting a bolt round at his head
>>...You know, daemonette, I am pretty jealous of those Sisters. I mean... I deserve to be the best looking, don't you think?
>Of course deary!

>>twenty hungry flayed one burst out from the ground, all screaming bloody murder.
>>Grabs the Inquisitor and pulls her along
>>”We need to run away!”
>Indeed, it's been fun, but anyone who wants to continue with the T&A funtimes best be coming with us!
>You ain't stopping me, bitch
>"You don't understand! I can't stop this if I don't understand how it works! None of us can stop this!"
>Realize I'm naked
>Realize my giant tits are in the Chaplain's face and covering his(her?) face
>Squirm like a bitch
>Remember I'm basically a daemon Prince
>Warp the fuck out of the Chaplain's grip and fly off with the Sorceress
>Seeya, bitch!
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>be me
>be breezy
>be having a wonderfully lewd fantasy for a kriegswoman
>you are out of line soldier alarms start blaring
>shake head
>explain to brother-in-law where we need artillery
>literally everyone is a chick right now
>fighting has stopped
>maybe we've won
>Inquisitor is going to ruin things
>yell to everyone nearby to tackle the brother-in-law i've always hated
>Oh, thank you! I can't wait!
>You've been so helpful... But there must be a price
>Just tell me, what do I have to do to get what I deserve?
>"To be honest what Ordo wouldn't be involved here Daemons, Xeno and fucking Heretics"
>"I think this is my jurisdiction."
>The Conversion Field inside his badge of office deflects the shot and he turns to face the sister.
>"Now I know why this clusterfuck is the way it is with trigger discipline like that."
> deny the witch yet again.
> psychic powers canceled
> grab her by the foot
> slam her face first into the ground
> then bring her overhead to slam her onto her back
> can hear bones breaking
> don't stop
>Allows being picked up
>Cool. Those are some massive funbags
>Filled with envy
>”Hey daemon! If I’m going to be like this make it better while I’m like this!”
>still not being a chick
>well if all are adoring slaanesh here they must have a personal music device
>look for it
>shit they have one
i will take this ''chapter relic''
>laughs as he says that
fucking megpipes
>Be Metallic Death Cultist
>A bunch of screaming skeletons bursts out of the ground
>It actually startled me a bit
>While the fight ensues I charge in to assist my Lord
>Hope he's alright
"I still don't know what's going on."
>purity seal on him
"I think that Templar got the traitor."
>puts purity seal over the crack in her armor
>Agrees with request for heavy guns.
>Hears request to tackle me.
>"Fuck you Breezy, you failure of a Kriegswoman and ship slut."
>He laughs.
>"I have no fucking clue what is going on either."
>Notices purity seal on his chest.
>"Thank you Sister for this great gift."
>Gives her a headpat.
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>mfw a clown in the sky tells you to do things and everyone is turning into a woman but its ok because the clown in the sky is really nice so there's no reason to shoot anybody
>where's the drugs

>Be "Definitely Corrupted By Slaanesh" Sister Superior Gwellian
>Watch in shock as Black Templar(ess?) rips Inquisitor out of her armor
>Damn she's hot naked
>Watch her get ragdolled by Ulfric
>Not on my watch bitch
>Run up and punch Emperor's Champion straight in the tits to make her
>Don't even notice my skin take on a slightly purple tint
>Grab Chevalier and turn and hoof it for the webway gate.
Has thread officially lost all steam?
>>62675134 I think it's winding down to a conclusion at this point. World's probably lost to Slaanesh. Or Necrons. Possibly Both.
> oh no you fucking don't
> flip power sword over and use the handle to sweep both of them.
> grab both of them by the leg
> begin slamming them into the ground, walls, lamposts, pretty much everything.
> ilovemyjob.loyalist
>not tall enough to reach his face
>start biting and slashing the now naked meat.
"You're related to breezy!?"
>this is even better than I thought
>it will be like a male breezy
>blushes with headpats
>scoots closer to him...
"Breezy isn't a slut... Why don't you like each other?"
>scoots in quite close
>Slaanesh if you can hear me
>all I've ever wanted was some fukk
>I need sum fukk from this guy
>and also maybe Breezy

>fuck it I surrender myself to Slaanesh
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>>literally everyone is a chick right now
>>Just tell me, what do I have to do to get what I deserve?
>We just take this Slaaneshi Lesbian Loyalist Crusade on the space ways with our new Clown Shipfu of course!

>>”Hey daemon! If I’m going to be like this make it better while I’m like this!”
>Yes yes, but fun times later, escaping now

>>Grab Chevalier and turn and hoof it for the webway gate.
>Empress be praised!

>Black Templar denies my warp bullshit
>Breaks my sexy armor
>You fucking slut
>"I'm still loyal, let go of me, you vile whore! I demand that you unhand me this-"
>The hot sister gives me an opening
>Actually escape this time
>Pick Gwellian up, bury her face in my giant tits, grab the sorceress, and fly into the webway gate
>Bye, bitch!
>Slowly get up from my collapse after the blast hit me
>no tits
>no ass
>no ridiculously oversized dong
>so far so good
>look through my mind, there's still some traces of cheap lesbian porno left, you'd think slaanesh would be more creative when he's trying to corrupt a being designed to withstand corruption
>see Sister Mallory stand above me with a worried expression
>Sister Angela is standing a little ways off, seemingly admiring her own new very voluptuous figure
>I pray she hasn't been permanently corrupted, but so far she's not doing anything particularly lewd other than grabbing her own huge ass
>get up with Mallorys help, then snatch er and Angela up and get back into cover
>"Well that was a shit idea. Did Ulfric slay the heretic?"
>he better not be a woman right now he was the only semi-sane man here
>”Feel the power of the sexy warp!”
>Suddenly horrors of Tzeentch everywhere along with daemonettes
>Slips away in the Chaos, heads to the webway gate
>be me
>be using vox Doom music to nullify slaaneshi influence
>Stop next to booty I know
Hey breezy? Want to ride?
> slice my way through the daemons and sprint towards the warp gate
> sprint pick up both of the heretics in a running tackle
> sprint through the warp gate.
> now where the fuck am I
> and where can I find a wall to curb stomp them against?
> then see daemons
> open fire with bolter while trying to hop onto the chimera.
>This shit got weird
>I don't like this anymore
>Ark doesn't like this anymore
>This planet is fucking lost
>Let's blow it up
>Send a couple thunderhawks down to the surface, along with a wideband vox transmission
>"Hey, losers. I think this planet needs blowing up. It's lost -- how about we bolt, and vaporize these Chaos fucks for the Omnissiah?"
>Now in the Space robot
>Everything is a fucked up hellhole. Multicolored tits cover the walls
>Sorceress runs towards the core
>holy fucking shit there's heretics everywhere
>inform Ross that there's fucking heretics everywhere
>daemons and sisters and heretics Oh my!
Alright, I think it's safe to say that this story ends in Slaanesh victory.

> follow them
> oh god there's heresy everywhere
> need to find some way to destroy this fucking thing.
> sprint after the sorcerer.
> blacksword raised and ready to slaughter these fucks.
So, is the ride over or do we want to go for a third thread? Either way, I'm archiving this when it dies.
>"probably for the best, can we get a lift off the planet before you do? There are still loyalists here... At least like 3."
not yet
oxythrone is flammable, the planet is covered in it, and the champion has a straight shot to the biggest source of corruption......
>He nods.
"Legally, yes."
>Sees her get closer, damn she's cute.
>Headpats again then laughs.
>"Half the ship would disagree with that fact."
>"I don't dislike her, if anything her telling everyone to pin me just now has pissed me off."
>an Ominous female voice comes on over the ten trillion vox skulls
>Commence dump of Oxythrone fleet onto the planet as the honking intensifies

>Be Me
>Newbie Sororitas Mallory
>Help Brother Ephriam and Battlesister Angela into cover
>Look up and realize that Ulfric has been turned into a fem-marine and is now trying to catch the fleeing Inquisitor and traitor Sister Superior through the webway gate.
>"We should follow them before they can escape!"
>Doesn't have vox so she can't hear the thunderhawks message
>Notices Angela affectionately stroking Ephriam's arm
>Decide to the Emperor guide my footsteps and charge after Ulfric and the others through the portal.
> grab the sororitas and throw her over his shoulder.
come sister, we still have one chance to save this planet.
> why do I still have my dick if I have tits?
> this is strange...
> emperor help me.
> soon reach the core of the ship
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>Blocks his path so the Inquisitor and Daemon can get to the HONK button and finish this
“Foolish! I shall down you!”
>Gathers the energy of the warp. The ground beneath starts to swell in lewdness, and the energy dives towards the marine
"I think we should find a way off this planet.... Uhm, I am not wanting to die today..."
>suddenly is pushing slaanesh out of her mind
>but still close to him
>everything is either escaping through the bone portal the elves made or flirting with each other.
>can't find the lord anymore, just kind of holding his hat.
>even the cultist has gone off to flirt.
>giant spaceships are all priming their planet killers.
>I will never know peace.
>I hope the other meats know peace when this is done.
>its looking grim
>make something like a sobbing sound.
> denythewitchdenythewitchdenythewitch
> see the infinity circuit of the craftworld...
> pulsating sickly with warpy energy...
> crazy idea.
> sprint straight at it.
> stab blacksword directly into the largest soulstone of the craftworld
> everything starts exploding as the heart of the craftworld dies.
>Time to end this shit
>"Hop on a thunderhawk. Or get vaporized. It's up to you, really."
>Be me
>Have 2 hot bootys on chimera
>Have heretics and demons and necrons all over while we ride and shoot
>runs over >>62675320
Today is great day to fight
>Slam down on that HONK button before the Chaplain stabs anything
>With my fat ass, of course
>"It's nice here, but I guess I'll hop on. Can't flirt if I'm vaporized into nothing but dust"
>Laughs ass off
>The daemon that had been gorging itself on eldar souls inside the circuit is released

>"Is this the archmagos of the mechanicus fleet in the system? I requested an emergency teleport earlier, 1 astartes and 2 humans. Transmitting coordinates"
>see Mallory dissolve into shiny particles just before she reaches the webway gate with Ulfric
>strange floaty sensation
>shapes and colors
>this time no voices, instead cacophony of music instruments
>it's oddly satisfying
>sensation subsides
>teleport bay of mechanicus ship, Sisters Angela and Mallory next to me
>"I have a certain dislike for the toasterfuckers but I can't deny they saved our asses there"
>we have to board the abomination to save Ulfric don't we?

I vote for a new thread, we kinda wrote ourselves into a corner but I think people are having load of fun
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>ten cargo ships start dumping their loads across the planet
>coating the entire surface in a blanket of Oxythrone that continues to grow
>over water it bubbles
>everything smells strongly of clean clothes and amonia
>over the oceans a thick foam starts to collect
>heresy starts to be cleansed from the world with the power of oxythrone
>they both continue towards the source of the bullshitery.
> grab the inquisitor by the throat just before she can.
> slam her face into the infinity circuit.
> begin choking the life out of her.
I'm going to enjoy this heretic.
>pulls him onto a thunderhawk
>pushing lewd to back of head
>must resist
>must live
>fuck has no power if I die
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>> stab blacksword directly into the largest soulstone of the craftworld
>That's a great way to get yourself Lesbified...

>>Slam down on that HONK button before the Chaplain stabs anything
>>With my fat ass, of course

>Be Slaaneshi Sister Superior Gwellian
>On Corrupted Craftworld Hugiv'safuk with my Inquisitor soon-to-be lover(?)
>That annoying Black Templar followed us in
>Damn it, can't he leave us alone?
>Block blacksword with my flamer and grin menacingly
>"Hello there pretty. You're being very, VERY naughty today."
>lunges forward and swats sword out of Ulfric's hands as she tackles her to the ground
>tries to rip her helm off so I can stick my tongue down her throat
> lets his helmet be breached and bites her tongue off and spits acid into her face.
> brings stormbolter up and presses it against her temple.
game over cunt.
>Sees the fucking Initial D tier Chimera coming towards him.
>He pushes the Sister out the way while his Conversion Field absorbs the full front of the damage and knocks him onto her.
>He looks down at her.
"I have a Arvus Lighter to get off planet with."
"Also welcome to my retinue."
>Laughs ass off as the marine forgets that Imperial Fists and their descendants lack a Belchers Gland That lets them spit acid
>Hits the button as the marine is focused on torturing the corrupted torture
>The lewd energies of Slaanesh explode from the machine and reach down to the planet
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>The Clownship Shegiv'safuk simply farts out the now Harlequin-ized former Templar who can't take a hint
>oh wow I'm clean now
>the other warriors and I are so confused now.
>kinda like being clean.
>I am now the royal custodian.
>we shall cleanse this world with the power of oxythrone!
>joy restored

>Be Slaaneshi Sister Superior Gwellian
>Ow. Acid all over my face.
>Suddenly find myself making out with Ulfric despite the pain the acid is causing me
>Damn Craftworld lewd energies making it impossible for me to think straight
>Too horny to care who I'm kissing at the moment
>Realize Templar is now Harlequin-sized
> laughs slightly as he hits the detonater on the meltabomb he stole from the sororitas during the debacle on the planet.
> watches as the craftworld implodes from it being attacted directly to the reactor.
> huh.... right I can’t breathe in space...
> emperor, i come to your side.
> leaves this mortal coil doing what he did best, fucking ovet heretics.
And fuck you in particular my good woman.
>Lets out a deep sigh on the Lighter and looks at the Sister as the shuttle flys off.
"What the fuck was that."
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>> laughs slightly as he hits the detonater on the meltabomb he stole from the sororitas during the debacle on the planet.
>> watches as the craftworld implodes from it being attacted directly to the reactor.
>That's what she thought anyways...
>Space Clown Elves man, things are never what they seem

>"Let him have his delusions, love. I'm done with him. It's time to go and do some gay shit."
> chain reaction starts as grenades detonate various plasma pipes and volatile substances placed around the craftworld...
> everything explodes.
> everything.
> William's body is incinerated, alongside everything else.
>oh shit
>its training debris
>it just crushed Tom
>oh god not Tom
>How are we supposed to clean this
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>Be Me
>Newbie Sororitas Mallory
>Look at Ephriam and shake head.
>"I'm pretty sure he's a goner Brother."
>Quietly wrap my arm around his and nuzzle up against him, too exhausted (and feeling horny) to think about anything else. Can see Battlesister Angela feels the same way.

Well, I guess Ephriam gets out this ahead with two willing Adepta Sororitas, so that's a plus for the Emperor in the face of overwhelming Slaanesh victory.
>Things one melta bomb can blow up something the size of a craftworld

So yeah this is definitely an end point or close to it. Wait a week or so and start something new maybe. And don’t listen to that NiceDaemonette guy next time
>be me
>Be untainted pull down trousers and whips out wank to take a wizz at full speed.
yeah.... fuck that person....
>Be me
>Officer of the Catachan 2nd
>Me and my men have proven resistant and immune to the Craftworld sexchanging honks by taking after that idiot in the Chimera via simply blasting DOOM music at ridiculous decibel levels
>Begin evacuation of civilians and refugees off-planet and onto Imperial Naval vessels stationed in orbit
>Valkyrie Transports and Fighter Escorts come in and the armored column as well as the Catachan II are evacuated off-planet
>Signal is sent across the surface of the planet stating for all Imperial forces to report to designated exfiltration landing zones
>Inquisitorial and Astra Militarum Vessels are planning for Planetary Bombardment and Exterminatus
>cleaning behind the tank
>we need this world ready for the next invasion.
>stop peeing curse you
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>>"Let him have his delusions, love. I'm done with him. It's time to go and do some gay shit."

Say's the Gary Stu we had to turn into a gay Space Elf Clowngirl...
>be with the group
>foam everywhere
>we gotta get outta here
>thunderhawk with the face of billy Mays lands nearby
>Ross whips his dick out
>its not helping the latent lewd thoughts with the recent slaaneshi corruption
>Be me.
>Be now fully regenerated Overlord.
>Slipped away in the fighting, got back, got healed.
>Step out just in time to watch the boom.
>Salute the glorious bastard who detonated it.
>Sit down, wonder what comes next.
>Probably gonna leave with some ‘crons, find a new planet, try to establish the dynasty there.
>Damn. Why?
>The evacuation is going poorly as the civilians not being protected by wholesome heavy metal are currently doing horrifically lewd things as they mutate.
>The planet is quickly becoming a daemon world, the oxythrone being overrun by Slaanesh Lube
>Be me, an eternally craving to head taking Mandrake of the Cabal of the Given Fucks
>See the blasted Black Templar that run away before with one of our Wyches
>Who tries to pretend to be Assassin, likely to get closer to clearly corrupted Sororita
>His eyes seems to throw daggers at the Inquisitor in a way that reminds me of the time I was hired to kill an Archon by a Pirate with a grudge
>Also me
>Sees a Catachan trying to kill the Wych
>And here I thought I could actually make a deal for the Inquisitor's head, but alas
>Intends to say "Not so fast, Catachan" as I grab his hand
>Makes it sound more like "Nosfachan" that sounds more like wail of something from beyond death
>I really should have taken that offer when a Haemonculi offered me a new pair of vocal cords
>Be Slaaneshi Sister Superior Gwellian
>Cuddle up against Chevalier with a satisfied, pervy smirk
>Playfully cop a feel of my new mistress and watch from the safety of the Shegivs'afuk as the prude Imperials get ready for Exterminatus

OP here. Close to the end point. Whoever's archiving can get ready to do so soon.
>Sees Galactic space clown outside the window of the shuttle.
>Dorns fucking tits, what the fuck is that!
No. You are not allowed to talk. You ruined a perfectly good greentext thread with your fetish bullshit. And you know what happened? You still lost. Go home, rethink your life, and probably either resolve to make yourself better or go back to wanking on /d/.
>the lord is back
>recently cleansed flesh hat sire?
>Valkyrie transport comes inbound and matches the speed of the barreling Chimera vehicle, a bunch of Catchan’s clap at the idiotic guy pissing atop the tank Harkus shakes his head and smiles they help bring them all aboard and into the cabin
>Valkyrie connects and hitches to the armored transport vehicle via its chassis and proceeds to lift off taking them all away then offloading them onto an Astra Militarum vessel

> It's all gone to hell.
> literally.
> Slanesh daemons run rampant, fucking and killing as they go
> We're all fucked
> Only chance of anything good happening is to annihilate the entire world with Elf-sterminatus
> Thankfully, all these other goons are too distracted right now
> Grab Wych
> Go go go
> On the other side of the portal is a hellscape of Tzeench shit, Orcs and everything else
> No time fo' dat
> Make my way to the control room
> I'm probably the last Asuriyani that has gone uncorrupted
> Im there
> ANd so is Da've from accounting
> That bastard
> "So, it's come to this."
> Yep
> "The world is being swallowed by chaos"
> Yes, so I need to explode it.
> "But who set it all in motion you ask?"
> I didn't
> "Who made the Mechanicus want to come to this world? Who made all the capable Eldar warriors leave the craft world? Who sent a prophecy to Word Bearers about this planet."
> What are you saying, Da've
> "It was I!"
> Don't be dumb, Da've
> Da'v rips of mask
> Suddenly grow 5 feet in size
> Spikes burst out
> "For I am Alpharius!"
>Be Sororitas
>Be new battlesister of the Order of the Golden Light
>Have a larger than average bust so I get mocked by some of the veteran sisters for being "as top heavy as a Dreadnought"
Literally first three lines of the first thread
>Be Heretek Magos Alexia
>See Necron Overlord leaving
>Clutch on leg and beg to be taken with him.
>I'm still worth something to this Necron Overlord right?
>Give the order.
>A fuck off gauss cannon opens from the most remote area of the planet.
>It fires, bringing down the clown.
>I know what will happen now, and I only hope I survive it.
>I give the signal that we will not leave.
>Not when we still have a chance.
>And when we do, she will be brought with us.
>Still want at least a few bitches to leave with if we do need to leave.
>While I was busy being tactical, Slaanesh has been fucking around with this place
>People evacuting and shit, but I have a cunning plan to achieve princehood
>Call up that polite bookfucker, the dusty one
>Offer to help with evacuation, order my useless ships to come pick up anyone left
>Ask the commanding serf if we still have that ship filled with cyclonic torpedoes and literally nothing else
>In the meantime, get the robots to escort me offworld
So a joke spurs you to do this? A minorly passing comment turned running joke? And you turn everyone into lesbian clowns for it? No, I say. Leave, I say. For with my allies and friends I stand, and I do not stand for this.
We have come under assault before, and we stood firm. We shall do so again. Ave imperator, ave Addathes, ave licisci.
>And you turn everyone into lesbian clowns for it?
I wasn't turning everyone into lesbian clowns when this all started.
I was just providing the OPTION of becoming a Slaaneshi Lesbian Loyalist, then trying to GTFO with a surprise Clownworldship, blame the "I killed you dead with my ubermove" Ulfric.
>get of the planet
>well this is fucked
>mmm well i have a personal music device
>what is this thing called doom
>o shit
>Part 2 of cunning plan
>Send out a universal vox/psychic message (many sacrifices made) offering any survivors shelter from whatever slanneshi shit is out in space
>Order my fleet into defensive positions, protect the survivors
>Order my remaining marines back to the flagship
>Have all explosives moved to my flagship, have them linked to one remote detonator on my chair
>Now, we wait.
> be me....
> ughhh my head.... what happened?
> wake up in the rubble.
> shove a few pieces off of myself...
> begin stumbling around blindly in what little remains of my armor.
> who.... am I again?
> what’s going on...
> I don’t....

OP Here. Give it a rest Anons. The thread's over at this point.
Well it’s gone now. Your move heretic. Do you persist in your bullshit, or go and try to make something of yourself?
As much as it pains me to say this, I agree, been good though anons
>Well it’s gone now. Your move heretic. Do you persist in your bullshit, or go and try to make something of yourself?
We've been trying to leave with the clownship for the last 100 post...
As far as we're considered, we left long ago.
OP, I just want you to know that while I did not participate in the greentexts, I am the anon who archived the last thread, and I plan on archiving this one shortly. It's been an honor to witness this trainwreck from beginning to end.
>Walk over to the space marine.
>He says that it’s all over, we won.
>Prepare to get all assets off world, we’re moving house.
>Help him up and into the escape ship as all the tech bitches, cultists, and necrontyr enter theirs.
>I can only hope we can find a new home.
>Order gauss megacannon to fire on itself, to blow the planet up once we leave.
>Whoever is out there, bless these poor souls.
Yeah great time, hope it happens again haven't been in one of these before.

Goodbye all imma just clean now.
>Exterminatus is Commenced all Imperial, Chaos, Necron, Etc forces are killed
>The End
>Be me
>Apparently going through shadows can screw with perception of time
>Everything went to Warp and back
>And by everything, I mean EVERYTHING
>At least got enough material of the Wych to bring to Haemonculi
>Goes back to ship
>Cabal enslaved almost none of the local population, due to clusterfuck that happened
>Incubi is as pissed off as I am due to lack of a proper duel
>He's the only one who can even understand what I'm ever saying
>But he's not talking ever, so nobody else knows
>I am the only one who understands his body language, so that makes us the only ones that can have meaningful conversation with each other
>Maybe we should get those new sets of vocal cords, while Haemonculi vat-grow new body for the Wych
>And next time we should kill the bloody Daemonettes
>They ruin everything with that heretical crap
>Certainly more effective than ignoring them
I honestly love these threads, wish I saw them more often.
You know what? Yeah, I fucked up and ruined this shit..... imma make a new thread lads. Hang in there
Wait I'm already at it, not OP btw
Be sure to link it here.
I'm onboard with this, The Screamers are one of my favourite things I've ever come up with and i dont want it to end
> thank you.
Same. Hell, I’ll probably bring Addathes’ wandering band too in some other greentext threads.
>You know what? Yeah, I fucked up and ruined this shit..... imma make a new thread lads. Hang in there
>Wait I'm already at it, not OP btw
And I'm spent, so you won't have me lewding things up.
Not OP, baked new bread anyways
yo, there is one dude on board the clown thing... if you want to do something about that

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