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/tg/ - Traditional Games

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>Be Sororitas
>Be new battlesister of the Order of the Golden Light
>Have a larger than average bust so I get mocked by some of the veteran sisters for being "as top heavy as a Dreadnought"
>As in less than a year out of the Schola kind of 'new'
>Posted with roughly 500 of my sisters on a recently rediscovered medieval world while the Imperium sets up a command post on the largest of the planet's 3 moons
>The people here literally worship my sisters and I as angels of the 'Golden Hero' (local term for the Blessed God-Emperor of Mankind?)
>No action for 2 months
>I thought being in the Adeptus Sororitas was dangerous
>Suddenly Mechanicus shows up with a full Explorator Fleet and creates a massive excavation site in the middle of one of the larger city-state's crop field
>Locals get frustrated with us because we're not allowed to intervene
>The more loyal ones start reporting loud, sensuous throbbing coming from the mouths of some cave systems
>The veteran battlesisters are irritated by the Admech's presence, muttering about something called "Sanctuary 101".

The admech just doomed me and this entire world, didn't they?
Listen, Girl.
You da warriors of da gad damn ecclesiarchy, girl.
You know what dat means right? You take your orders directly from the emperor himself, girl.
Dat means in a galaxy full of giant hypothetical power-dicks, your's is close to the biggest.
So you go to those Admech, mmm-hmm. You take your giant power-dick and you smack them across the face with it.

You say: "You ned to stop. Thats clearly some Necron shit right dere, and I'm not gonna let you unlease some gad damn ncrons before we're prepared enough to deal with dem," kay girl?

While you at it, get those medieval fucks to start pronouncing God-Emperor of Mankind corrctly, its emmarasan'.
>>Be Sororitas
You're fucked, kid.
[Revs Chainsword]
Point out to the Imperial officials working on those command posts that they might be in trouble too, see if you can't go over the admechs heads. All you need to do is stand your ground and make sure the toaster fuckers don't push you around.

Really looking forward to new models, would love to add a patrol of SOB to my Deathwatch.
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>Be Magos Alexia
>techpriest in Explorator Fleet investigating newly discovered Imperial world
>Supervisor of excavation site
>Local meatbags are unhappy we're ruining their crops
>Don't these backwards neanderthals understand our discoveries will benefit them in the long run?
>Well, not THEM, but their great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandchildren
>The rustbrains running Mars tend to be absolute bellends when it comes to sharing archeotech my fleet finds for some reason
>Some of the females accuse me of being an abomination to the 'Golden Hero' because my body is part machine
>What in the Omnissiah.binary
>Golden Hero? Who in the Warp is the Golden Hero?
>And my body is the perfect shape of the human form you jealous meatbags!
>Order some of the skitarii to grab the meatbag whores and hold them until the Adeptus Sororitas show up and 'take care of the problem'
>Probably a bunch of local heretics
What type of equipment do the Toaster fuckers have, also you should tell them that since you found the place first it belong to the Ecclesiarchy. You can pretty much twist it so that if they don't leave they have to follow you and your sisters guidelines unless they want to be purged.
>Be me.
>Be Necron Lord.
>Dammit why can’t the fleshies let me sleep?
>Well, that red robed one looks fine-ish.
>Activate wake up protocols.
>Not gonna do anything yet, I think the situation might handle itself.
> be me 'Enry
> good peasant boy, working mah field since I could walk
> except the occasional plague or barbarian tribe shit been good
> then those big tiddy knight girls descended from the sky
> one has a huge rack
> brought some new God... I ain't a religious one, but sure joining the big tiddy space alien cult
> then some... like... walking clocks? came down and dug up mah field
> had dat field sice mah graggrans!

I'm gonna ask the big tiddy one what is happening and why they diggin on mah field! Wish me luck.
>be servitor
>life sucks
>Be Death cultist
>Be in secret base worshiping ancient genocide machines
>Dream for the day these skeletal machines will awaken and free us all of our fleshy shells
>Having a grand time
>Scout runs in shouting about trouble
>He's shouting about how a group called "toaster fuckers" are coming in through our cave entrance
>"Toaster Fuckers"
>Unsure if he's eaten some bad cave shrooms
>More scouts come in reporting that "Toaster Fuckers" are inbound
>They believe they are a previously unknown cult here to take our sacred temple for themselves
>The entire place goes on alert and arms up for a bloody fight

I'm personally worried we might not be able to fight off this toaster cult, do any of you other cultists out there have tips on cult warfare?

>Be Sororitas Mallory
>Ask my Canoness if she can go over the Admech's heads to try and drive them off-world
>Get yelled at with so many profanities it'd make the Master of Mankind blush that she ALREADY TRIED THAT, but the throne-damned gear-copulating rustbrains have a Rogue Trader on hand to cover their coppery asses from such a move
>Oh, and the Magos overseeing the site found some so-called heretics and want us to deal with them, so I and a few of my fellow battle sisters get stuck with the job of 'dealing with the cogbrains'
>Ask her why I'm doing it and she says it's because I asked a stupid question
>And because I'm fresh meat
>I don't think my Canoness likes me very much.
>Be a Watch Captain.
>Rumblings of a Necrontyr Tomb being excavated by toaster fuckers get the Watch Master up in arms, orders a team be sent to stop the madness before it can begin.
>Nod my head slowly, before sending a kill-marine to check and confirm before devoting a full squad to the problem in case it turns out to be a dud.

I also need to find a way to get Brother Allamel off of the team before deployment, would rather not have to deal with a flesh tearer on a populated planet...
>Be Bob the Cultist
>Don't have any mutations
>Don't have any powers
>Don't have any skills
>100% pure human
>I'm just short, round, weak, have a lot of warts all over my body and hair growing out of them
>Be so ugly Slaaneshits don't want to touch me with a ten foot pole
>Be so ugly Khorne demons don't want to punt me as a foot ball
>Be so ugly Tzeentchits say they can't think straight in my presence
>Asked Nurlge demon for some diseases and mutations, he patted me on the head and said that I'm perfect as I am now
>Cry a lot
>Work as a messenger between cults cause Imperials never believe that I'm a cultist
>They never even stop me
>Some guy brings a message about "Toaster Fuckers" to the Tzeenchits.
>Head guy (can't even throw lightning) made smart face and sent me with the answer
>The letter literally says "Everything is just as planned"
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>Be Sororitas Gwenllian
>Veteran Battlesister
>Stop peasant boy from trying to enter our base
>He asks to see Mallory
>Every one of these young peasants wants to see the Sister with the stupid udders that barely fit in her armor
>Tell him she's not here, she's at the dig site
>She's really not, she's in the Repressor waiting for me and other veterans to go deal with this arrogant magos who thinks they can accurately judge a heretic
>Get in the repressor, drive out to field, find Magos standing their waiting on the edge of the dig site
>Climb out of Repressor and immediately yell at Magos bitch to let what are OBVIOUSLY normal Imperial citizens go and shut down this damn dig site before you wake up any Necrons underground
>Shit, now I’m bored.
>Well, might as well make myself overlord real quick, no one awake to stop me.
>Get coronated, aquire pimpin new decorations.
>Everyone’s waking up, might grab my warscythe and go soon.
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>be the golden hero
>got involved in one of those pesky underworld mythical quests to save your relatives from eternal suffering
>Good thing I tasted the orange of immortality down there, I think I spent way too much time there
>don't know how much time has passed
>my companions who were supposed to make a mark on mountain face every day appereantly quit after couple decades
>fucking quitters
>Suddenly see smoke in the horizon and feel tremors shake earth
>Oh, right, forgot to do something.
>Using the power of gauss, draw dicks on the heads of my least powerful rivals before they wake up.
>Also cut the heads off my most powerful rivals to make it look like they’re giving head to aforementioned least powerful.
>I love my job.

>Be Magos Alexia
>That bolter bitch did not just accuse me of digging up Necrons
>Just because the Mechanicus stumbled on Necrons every so often does NOT mean we're actively looking for them!
>But if we find them while exploring it is a pleasant surprise
>Snap back at the lead sister with a flamer and point down at the dig-site where the servitors are excavating a large bonelike structure: "Necron?! Necron!? Are you blind?! I'm looking for archeotech, not heretical xenotech! Besides, the only xenotech I've found down there is some Aeldari webway gates. There's no Necrons down there, so stop being so damn paranoid!"
>I'm completely lying of course, but hopefully these white-haired bimbos are too distracted by the giant xeno gate to notice the Necron architecture underneath.
> go to meet Mallory to deal with the ... em Magos? digging up a big whole in my field
> only a flat one called Gwenlian is there
> Mallory is at my field
> meh... no reason to go back; tits can wait
> decide to look for someone else who can tell me what I am supposed to do now that my only source of income and food is gone
>Be Sister Mallory
>Really need to get some better fitted armor, this suit might be too tight
>Magos at the excavation site is a girl.
>Since when did the cogbrains women look hot?! They're supposed to look like ugly half-human abominations barely above a servitor!
>Look at what she's pointing at and see a large Eldar Webway gate sticking out of the ground in the middle of the dig site.
>"Hang on, I thought you were looking for archeotech. What are you doing excavating xenotech?"

Got to head out for work soon.

>Be Death Cultist
>Get the job of keeping the artifacts safe
>Wish I was put in the counter-attack though
>Hope those chosen can deter the invading cult
>After some time hear rustling in the artifact room
>Check for vermin inside the artifact room
>Find that the undamaged scarab stored inside is awakening
>Haul the awaken artifact to the cult leaders and announce the good news
>They start singing praises and chants that the death machines are finally here to set us free
>They then start to make their to where the leaders of the death machines are residing to witness their awakening
>I follow while still hauling the large scarab construct, It's kind of cute
>This day just went from bad to great
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>be me
>I wake up and what the fuck?
>Be me.
>Be now bored overlord of the tomb.
>Scarab comes up to me, alerts me that one got lost and is currently believed to be manhandled by fleshies at the moment.
>I open the passage where the scarab got taken, warscythe in hand, and announce myself.
>After a good hard look at the chamber, realize they’re worshipping us in effigy.
>What the fuck have I gotten myself into?
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>Be Magos Alexia
>Great, the busty bolter bitch is asking questions about why I'm digging up the webway gates.
>Rapidly explain to her that if my servitors and techpriest underlings aren't careful removing the webway gate they might damage the archeotech we think is underneath.
>Another lie. The rogue trader we dragged along in the flight wants a webway portal for their ship.
>Omnissiah knows why she thinks that's a good plan
>Get more and more aggressive, trying to chase off the nosy Battlesisters so we can work in peace
>This IS a Mechanicus site you holy book-humping idiots
>Get a notice from one of the techpriests down in the pit
>The Necrons are waking up, and they have some kind of human cult surrounding them, and the Necron leaders have already encountered their 'worshippers'
>first off:
>second: the Necrons are waking up? For the Omnissiah's sake, couldn't they wait like 5 10 minutes?
>Tell the skittarii to escort the bolter bitches off-site by force if necessary and jump into the dig site, trying to reach the Necron Tomb complex before any of these backward primitives turn potentially neutral Necrons into actively hostile Necrons.
This is Magos Alexia. Just a heads-up, I'm heading offline for awhile.
>Be Death Cultist
>See the leader of the death machines in their skeletal glory
>Is was like a wonderful dream had become reality
>Place the scarab back down and begin worshiping along with the Elders
>The Elders give praises to our new master and how we have kept their domain safe from the outsider and rival cults
>Our new master simply looks upon us
>They then also tell our master that a previously unknown cult called the "Toaster Fuckers" is invading their sacred domain and how we are ready to fight off these rival cultists so that they and their army of skeletal death machines may free us all of our fleshy shells
>Our new lord just stares at us for a bit
>We wait for their response
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Tired of living a dreary, unimportant life?
Sad that you have minimal physical strength, limited mental capacity and no psychic powers to speak of?
Annoyed that brutish imperialists can have their way with you whilst you have approximately zero ways of stopping them?
Well I have something just for a fine young man as yourself!

Presenting; Chaos!
It’s a one way track to an extended lifetime of happiness.
Improve your martial ability!
Dazzle your friends with your incredible wit!
Find joy in places you never would suspect!
Become resistant against the worlds troubles!
And most importantly of all… We care about your livelihood and are strictly anti- Techpriest carving holes in family farms.

Join today! just sign your name in blood here, here and here.
>Someone’s stepping on my shit?
>Aw heeeeel naw.
>Send message down the line to mobilize troops, order cultists to set up defenses along the dig sites.
>Also subtly grope cultist female.
>I gotta get me some of these bitches.
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>Pulls out gun
>The Game was rigged from the start.

> Be Eldar of craftworld Hugivs’afuk
> Bored out of my god damn mind monitoring the thousand fucking webway portals we have running at all times.
> What’s that? You want me to open a portal so you can go fight some chaos daemons? Ohh BooOoOoOooy.
> Can’t believe this is what i’ll be doing for the rest of my immortal fucking life.
> FMIL.hologram
> Suddenly, a portal signals that it is now usable again.
> Some dumb Mon-Keigh have dug up a portal, huh.
> Go to report it
> Superiors start panicking.
> Apperantly the craftworld is just a system over from this planet.
> And Its ontop of a tombworld
> Which is the centrepiece of a necron dynasty
> a MAJOR necron dynasty
> and if the mon-keigh have unearthed the portal, they definately going to wake up the empire with our craftworld slap bang in the middle.
> Not to mention all our generals are busy murdering daemons
> With no time to lose, they elect a general.
> Me
> Waitwhat.Warpchat
> Now I’m leading a warparty through teh portal, expecting severe resistance from no less than three hostile armies on the other side
> I changed my mind, give me my old job back, oh Isha i’m boned
>Be Death Cultist
>Our Lord has ordered us to set up a defensive area along the entrance and push back the rival cults
>Excited to defend our lord's domain
>Notice he's taken a liking to our chief doctor
>She's so blessed to be at our Lord's side
>Head to our armory to get some armor and weapons
>Put on some nice cultist armor and the classic sword and shield
>Begin our advance to the entrance to fight off the Toaster Fuckers Cult
>Some of our Lord's skeletal warriors have joined us in our advance
>Begin to approach the entrance
>Commence charge and hope for the best and/or death
>Ooh, I like that one.
>She’s staying alive longest.
>Stop the charge, start requisitioning gauss tech for the cultists.
>Swords and shields? The fuck is that?
>Personally gonna keep an eye out for the charge leader tho. Seems banging.
At what point in this dialogue do the necrons demand 'bout 3 fitty?
>Be Death Cultist
>Charge has been ordered to stop by Lord for better weaponry
>Don't even think about questioning it and proceed back to base
>Get handed some strange metal and glass tube weaponry
>Get told I'm supposed to press a certain part down while aiming at our foes to shoot lightning at them
>Interesting weapons
>Everyone gets new weapons
>Decide to keep a sword just in case
>See the same scarab
>Try petting it
>Doesn't really react
>Pick it up again to let the other Cultists pet the adorable little scarab
>Await our Lords next command but at the ready in case the Toaster Fucker cult attacks
>Be me.
>Be overlord with mixed army of fleshies and necrontyr.
>Decide that these “elder” pricks in the cult don’t do shit.
>Promote that chick that was petting the scarab, seems tight, and she was the one who found us out.
>Muster all troops to all access points being dug out ready to march as soon as I give the word.
>Cultist bitch stays with me. She’s staying alive.
>Feels good to be back in action.
Bump for more posters
My sides.
Fucking rogue traders

>Be me
>Magos Alexia
>Lost the bolter bitches and made it down to the Necron temple entrance from the dig site with some female techpriests and skitarii escorts, sneaking around the Aeldari force entering the webway gate
>Let the Eccelesiarchy bimbos deal with the arrogant Eldar
>Spot human cultists armed with gauss weaponry and Necron warrior support
>Spot the Necron Overlord
>Approach edge of base with arms up and robe open as wide as possible so the Necrons don't decide to gun me down.
>By the Omnissiah had better not get gunned down by cultist meatbags when I'm footsteps of some of the most coveted "archeotech" in existence
>Now the only problem is going to be getting said tech offworld.
Just a quick post from work. Will be back in a few hours.
>Be Death Cultist
>Get a promotion from our Lord to be his personal guard
>This day just keeps getting better
>Our forces are preparing to attack the opposing cult at the entrances
>Still holding the Scarab, it seems to enjoy the affection
>The Cheif doctor really enjoys petting the sweet little mechanical scarab
>It really is the sweetest little thing
>Hope that our forces will not only fight off those Toaster Fucker cultists but also help convince the populace that they must embrace the will of our Genocide Lord to be free of their fleshy shells
>Continue to stand vigilantly by my Lords side
>Be me, T’’’’’’’’’au Earth Caste Engineer
>Be such an irrelevant species that there is no way I can be a part of this

So what are you all doing tonight, fellow drones?
> Be recently promoted general of craftworld Hugiv’safuk
> We’ve breached the portal
> After about a second of shock, the Mon-Keigh fire at us.
> Good News; Neither the Tech-monkeys nor the Necrons are here, only the “Sisters of Battle” are here to shoot at us
> Bad News: We’re still being shot at.
> About a dozen Asuryani die (read: horrendous casualties) before a beachhead is established.
> Keep in mind I would lead us all to death on an open field against some guardsmen with both numbers and cloaking on our side
> We a currently fighting heavily armed fanatics who are firing at us from above
> I never asked for this.warpmessage
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>Be Khorne
>Bored out of my mind
>Idly watching mortals fight
>Gaze drawn to some shitty dirtball
>Bunch of Bolter Bitches fighting Eldar
>Rarely get to see Battle Nuns fight, should be fun
>One of them is really really angry
>Her tits are huge
>Yell at Chad'zizzick to grab the popcorn and flatscreen
>dis gonna be good
Bump for night survival
Tactical Bump
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>Be me
>Newbie Sororitas Mallory
>I swear to Holy Terra, if that airhead Magos doesn't get killed by whatever's in the bottom of that dig site, I'll chop her head off with her own gear-axe thing!
>Seriously, what kind of servitor-brained idiot doesn't destroy xenostech the minute they find it?!
>Continue pouring suppressing fire down on the Aeldari invasion force with my fellow sisters
>surprisingly, we're holding them down with only the six of us
>Suddenly Sister Angela screams bloody murder and jumps down into the dig site, shouting something about 'purging the Aeldari wenches up close and personal'
>Follow her down yelling every litany I can think of from the schola, trying to keep my bolter's recoil from causing my weapon to hit my chest armor each time I pull the trigger
No thank you Sir, I just recently switched faiths would feel bad doing it agaaaaain.
Also there is this gal with huge honkers in the imperial cult.

Anyway good luck with your thing Sir.

> be 'Enry nobody wants to tell me where my field went
> all the sisters tell me to ask the Magos
>>62642320 , Lady Magos, why did you dig this big whole in mah field what am I to live of?
>Be me
>Male Howling Banshee Enladiel Feanwe
>Joined the Aspect Warriors to get chicks
>Managed to avoid combat and spent most of my time chilling guarding the Aspect Shrine
>Got dragged into being part of some warparty going to fight Necrons
>Led by an incompetent general we take horrific casualties
>Manage not to die
>Stuck in some pit while female Mon'Keigh shoot at me
>They start charging down
>Cowering in a corner
>See dead Monkeigh
>Brilliant idea
> We're being slaughtered
> There must be thousands of them up there
> The fliers, where are the goddamn fliers
> Why did they put me in charge, what path do they think I'm on
> A sister jumps in front of me
> Holy fuck I'm dead as fuck
> She ignores me, what
> I realise the sisters don't even realise that I'm the general
> Planned It All Along.MasterManipulator
> Command some guardians to get this bitch away from me
> Tell the rangers to carve us a path out of this goddamn pit
> It ain't over till' it over, Mon-Keigh
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>Be scarab designated 7015634
>Things have been great since we got out of the tomb
>The fleshies treat me with more affection than Overlord Addathes ever did
>Giving me tons of pets/belly rubs
>I'll be sure to replace their fleshy bits with necrodermis if they get hurt
>Be me
>Khorne the Blood God
>watching some Bolter Bitches fight Eldar
>Tzeentch walks in
>Where the fuck did that nerd come from!
>Apparently he was watching me through my window
>He brought that fat fuck Nurgle along
>Grab my axe
>Remember my ass has been stuck to this throne for 10,000 years
>Make a show of being angry so he doesn't find out
>Now its a goddamn viewing party!
>At least Slaanesh isn't here.ragepg
>That whiny disgrace of a Bloodthirster Bloodgore the Murdertalon is here
>He starts insulting the brave warriors shedding blood, calling them weak pitiful mortals
>That bitch hasn't even spilled two drops of blood
>Grab him and toss him into the combat, commanding he claims the skulls of the mightiest warriors there for me
>He starts fucking crying in front of the mortals
>Tzeentch and Nurgle are laughing at me
>At least Slaanesh isn't here

> Be I, Skitarii TX-24
> Have huge crush on Magos Alexia
> But I say nothing, for how could she love one such as I, a mere skitarii soldier, barely of higher class than a mere servitor?
> Saying the feelings of a creature like I would lead only to the breaking of my implanted heart
> The being that is I would have to pray for a century to get my hearts machine spirit to trust me again after I do that to it.
> The one that is I must protect her from all harm as we traverse this awful Xeno Tomb
> There's a small child in here, asking Magos Alexa questions
> How in the Omnissiahs toaster did that peasant-form get here?
My favourite part of this is that the fact you've got gigantic tits has got nothing to do with the rest of the narrative. Sure got people's attention though.

>Be Sister Superior Gwenllian
>why do my ears feel hot?
>Is someone thinking about my chest again?
>Well this trip's gone to hell fast. Damn the Mechanicus. Can't they just let my sisters and I enjoy the sight of these buff, hardworking medieval peasants in peace? Now we've got an Aeldari incursion, and it's all their fault!
>Follow my battlesisters down into the dig-site, barbecuing anything with pointy-ears that moves with holy fire
>See a howling banshee trying to hide in a corner, get in close prepares to roast him with my flamer
>Suddenly get a call on the vox and stop from pulling the trigger
>It's the Imperial Governor on the moon
>They've sent a detachment of guard to help secure the site.
>Well, the locals are going to have more questions about the strange men and vehicles from the sky, but any cannon fodder will do-

> Be Chaos salesman
> I'm feeling bad
> Been trying for decades to get some chaos going on this planet, to no success
> Couldn't even convince a small child to join chaos
> MyPitchWasSoGoodToo.Heresy
> I've got 3 people in the cult
> One is my mother
> One uses the new "voxing" system the imperials implemented and is probably also my mother
> Might as well see if I've got any psychic abibilities
> "Oh great Chaos gods, send me one of your unstoppable Daemons. A bloodthirster would be so cool, or maybe a Daemonette, for... reasons, even a Nurgling would be fine!"
> Tension builds...
> Fucking nothing.
> I guess I am a useless chaos cultist afteral-
> Suddenly, a giant crimson weeping daemon crashes through the cealing
> Oh my gods...
> I am the greatest psyker in the world!
>Be me
>Howling Banshee Enladiel Feanwe
>stuck in a pit of death
>Monkeigh warrioress about to kill me
>She stops to take a message from her primitive communicator
>I run for it
>Look around
>My fellow Eldar are all dead or gone
>Last ditch plan
>Grab the armor off a fallen Monkeigh
>Put it on
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>Be Magos Alexia
>Was seconds away from making contact with the Necron Overlord when suddenly a peasant boy pops up nearby while we're standing in the cave system asking about his crop field
>Order Skitarii TX-24 to shoo the peasant away before he gets us all killed.
>Or shoot him, whichever works.
>I have more important things to do.
>Like getting handsy with a Necron Overlord, provided I don't get shot.
>Be Death Cultist
>The firefight has officially begun
>Can't see what's happening but from the loud sounds of lightning and death it's a pretty intense fight
>I hope our side is doing well and delivering the sweet release of death
>Scarab looks to really enjoy the affection from the Cheif Docter and her assistants
>Some more scarabs skitter up to get a head pat
>I admire the skeletal frame and decor of our Lord
>Such design, polish, and beautiful decor
>We are truly blessed to be in the presence of our Lord
>Some odd booming sounds are heard, followed by the feeling of crimson and pitiful tears
>Must have to do with one of the odd "Chaos" Cults
>They're alright, though they can be unpredictable and a nuisance at times
>Especially the Tzeentch Cultists, filthy bird fuckers
>After petting a few scarabs I decided to ask our Lord of his name
>"My Lord, may I ask thee of thy name?"

I need to sleep, will return soon, keep the thread alive everyone
>be me
>a Necron Warrior
> It is one such as I, Skitarii TX-24 who must do what his wonderous superior asks of him.
> ShooFleshbag.Exe
> Oh well, RAW, ones gotta do what ones gotta do.
> Raise rifle
> Suddenly, Necron soldier comes into view
> It raises its own horrible xenos rifle
> ShotsFired.Machinespirit
> The fiend was no match for the Omnissiah bless-ed one that is I.
> But the one that is I fears more shall soon come
> Magos Alexa shall be protected
Soz son, you ded
> be 'Enry
> Lady Magos woman went underground
> too bad...
> she must be in the caves with the metal sceletons, used to play there lots like a kid
> take my trusty scythe I found there to fend of the giant bugs infesting the caves and go
> find lady Magos
> does not want to talk to me
> veryrudeandnotnice.jpg
> sends soldier to stop me
> no!
> knock him out with my (necron) scythe and quote her the local law which details how they did land expropriation wrong
> essentially they are to fill up the whole and go away or pay reparations to me the land owner

This is my land you made a whole in Lady Magos
>Be me
>Sororitas Mallory
>Most of the Aeldari are dead now
>Spot a male(?) eldar trying to disguise itself in Battlesister armor
>Walk up behind him and stick my bolter against his back
>"That, xenos, is the worst disguise ever. Of all time. Not even an Ork could do this badly."
>Would've pointed my bolter at his head but my huge bust and uncomfortable armor makes pointing it a little awkward.
>Decide to wait for the Sister Superior to stop angrily bitching at the poor bastard on the other end of the vox before I ask if we're taking prisoners or I should just go ahead and kill him now
OP here. Gonna go ahead and get some sleep. See you in the morning
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>Did that peasant just tell me what I can and can't do with this land?
>Who the hell does he think he is!?
>And how the hell did he just knock out Skitarii TX-24 with just his scythe?!
>I'd microwave his brains right now if I didn't have over a dozen cultists and Necron warriors currently pointing gauss weapons at me
Welp, I'm gonna call it a night as well. See you in the morning everyone
> It has not gone well.
> Out of 150 noble Asuryani we started with, at least half are dead, captured, or went running in the opposite direction
> Where in the Kaela Mensha-fucking Khaine are those flyers?
> We gotta find those goddamn Necrons before we all die
> A seer walks up to me
> Apparently a Major Daemon of Khorne has just manifested nearby
This amuses me. Continue.
>Be Me
>Bloodgore the Murdertalon, Eviscerator of Platenea
>Khorne throws me into the mortal world
>Dangerous mortals everywhere
>I have no hope but surrender
>Start begging for my life
>I just want to go home and finish painting my Ground Sailors
Don't worry, just go to your designated Containment General Thread and you will be safe, amongst your peers who enjoy what you're about, and will even be able to give you further instruction.
Remember, put order and regulation above all else; there is already asylum provided for you!
>Be Captain in PDF
>Be stationed on planet's primary settlement
>Which is on the it's moon
>Be in charge of the artillery devision in there
>Going slowly mad from boredom
>Wish something would happen
>Suddenly, a message from the Planetary Governor
>Shit is popping of on the planet, multiple Xeno factions confirmed, Cog-Heads and Bolter Bitches need back up, so he's sending the biggest guns he's got to help
>As the planet is low tech, the Governor doesn't care about collateral damage
>Send a message to the boys, tell 'em to load up the transports double time, there's some Sororitas down there that need a hand purging some Xenos
>We're loaded up and off in no time
>The moment we get in atmosphere broadcast a message on all local military vox channels saying the big guns have arrived.
>Time to have some fun
> Be Chaos Salesman
> Adressing fuckhueg daemon in front of me
> "I have summoned you, mighty Daemon!
> Now I command you to do my bidding!
> You must crush the imperials and show the planet the power of chaos!
> Do my bidding for I am your master!"
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>Have a larger than average bust so I get mocked by some of the veteran sisters for being "as top heavy as a Dreadnought"
Written by a man.
I can honestly say that women don't have any real kind of breast envy/insults outside of the early developers in school.
>Implying you'd even have large breasts with the amount of training they do
>As in less than a year out of the Schola kind of 'new'
Wouldn't even be a Battle Sister this early. They graduate as Sisters Novica and spend a few years in training before they graduate into either an Order Militant or other.
>No action for 2 months
Aside from training, patrols, civic works, missionary work, upkeep of the Ecclesiarchy facilities, etc...
>I thought being in the Adeptus Sororitas was dangerous
Adepta, and see above.
>Suddenly Mechanicus shows up with a full Explorator Fleet and creates a massive excavation site in the middle of one of the larger city-state's crop field
If the world has a larger Ecclesiarchy presence then the Administratum, that means the Ecclesiarchy is the one calling the shots.
The Ad Mech can't just 'show up' unless they have permission off the Ecclesiarchy and one of the provisos would've been Ecclesiarchy oversight.
>Locals get frustrated with us because we're not allowed to intervene
See above. Where is the Ecclesiarchy oversight?
>The more loyal ones start reporting loud, sensuous throbbing coming from the mouths of some cave systems
Mining equipment would never make any kind of noise now could it? Has to be sinister in origin.
>The veteran battlesisters are irritated by the Admech's presence, muttering about something called "Sanctuary 101".
Sister NOT knowing each and every single famous and infamous encounter and being able to recite encyclopaedic details on command
The state of Schola education these days.
>Be Chaos Lord and Dark Apostle Laranos of the Word Bearers
>Being bored on our old ship, The Eternal Sentence
>Shitty name, I know, it was the previous Chaos Lord's idea
>Chaos Sorcerer, Brother Ralagus, comes at me saying he had a vision
>He says he forsaw the start of a great crusade that would see our legion converting dozens upon dozens of systems and bring glory to the Dark Gods
>He continues on saying that he has seen a devoted of Our Great Masters and his cult on a medieval world and that he has summoned a great servant of Khorne
>Also something about those fanatic bitches of the Corpse Emperor and Eldars being here
>Command that we enter the get moving and (hopefully) take direction for this promising planet
Give back my clay! REEEEEE
> "General!
> Yes?
> We've just recieved word from the seers that the Mon-keigh are sending a PDF to this world
> Distress.Soulstone
> -With heavy artillery!
> Very Upset.Soulstone
> And the Word Bearers are coming too!
> Increadibly Hugely Fuck Ass Mad.WhereAreThosefuckingflyersat
>Be me.
>Holy FUCK what just happened.
>Bring out everything, we’re going to WAR.
>Start chopping/shooting knife ears from the front.
>Why today, why the fuck today?
You wanna go, m8? I'll slep ye shit I swear on me mum!

Me mums a fookin' wraithlord m8!
>Knife ear calling me out.
>Halt fire for a second.
>Vaporize his ass from a distance.
>Resume battle.
>Be new Primaris Brother Ephraim of the Dark Angels
>be newest member of Kill Team Gamma-Crucifix
>get sent to check out emergency message from some backwards shithole world and confirm it's authenticity
>apparently the toasterfuckers were digging for "archeotech" (digging for xenotech I assume, I see right through you, wireheads) and woke up a necron tomb as well as drawing eldar interest
>holy shit it's confirmed real, the psychic signature is identical to that of the Sisters of the Order of the Golden Light
>Run off to the Watch Captains chamber, I want to purge xenos and have fun with the bolter bitches
>Despite what that furry fuck Einarr says I'm not gay and I haven't seen a woman ever since I got off the indomitus crusade to join my chapter
>They sent me off to the deathwatch to get rid of me, gave me a "relic blade" of which I'm pretty certain it's just a shitty leftover powersword painted matte black
>jokes on you I got away from asmodais bullshit and now I get to impress hot white-haired chicks with my chad stature
> -and the Dark Angels are here too.
Not yet, and technically we're Deathwatch. We're arriving pretty soon, and when a Kill Team arrives we do in style!
>be me
>be tyranid
>be hungry
> "Scratch that, sir, its actually just a kill team of the death watch-"
>>Have a larger than average bust so I get mocked by some of the veteran sisters for being "as top heavy as a Dreadnought"
Your breasts are a gift from the Emperor. Use them to inspire, provide succor to, and nourish the faith of your fellow Sororitas. To do anything less is pure heresy.
>Be Magos Alexia
>Necrons ignore me, decide to start fighting any poor knife eared fleshbag stupid enough to enter the cave
>Quietly grab Skitarii TX-24 and drag him behind Necron battlelines with the rest of my techpriest retinue so we don't get gauss'd or shuriken cannon'd to death
>And today was starting out so well too
>Somehow this has to be the fault of those damn bolter bitches, I just know it.
>Be Chaos Lord Laranos
>Been in the warp since what feels to be 2 good months
>We get thrown out of the warp out of the blue (or pink? or red? never sure when we're in the warp)
>It's not the right place at all
>Why would the Gods prevent us to deliver their truth to non believers? Why would they forsa-
>The ship's sensors suddenly go haywire
>Several vessels
>They are a loyalist scum convoy
>The biggest ones are unmistakably of the "adMech", as they call them
>Someone is trying to establish communication with us
>"Eternal Sentence, this is Lord Ark'Veras of the Word Bearers, over"
>"Ark'Veras, this is Dark Apostle Laranos, Lord of The Eternal Sentence. Please decline the nature of this communication, Brother. Over"
>we may be brothers and part of the most "cohesive" Legion, but you're never too sure these days.
>"I'm not an enemy" he answers. "But your sudden arrival may alert the convoy. Over."
>"What convoy? Over."
>"Ammunition, spare parts, armor plating, vehicle, a whole shipping from a Forge World. It would be unfortunate if my temporary allies would npot be able to resupply. Over."
>Temporary allies?
>Turns out they are a bunch of Hounds of Abaddon and a minor warband of World Eaters
>After the attack, we share the booty
>We inform those newly found allies of what we are going for
>WB are okay for the ride, I mean, brothers helping brothers and stuff
>Both the HoA and WE are unconvinced at first (as far as them being "unconvinced" is possible to see behind their helms and angriness) but are way more into it when I stop talking about how much glory we'll bring to Chaos and list the factions we think are gonna be there. I think mentionning the Bloodthirster helped too.
>All our ships enter the Empyrean, aiming for the chosen planet of the Gods
>tfw we are now fully resupplied on ammo, armor, spare parts and now we are even more to bring the truth to those who have been lied to for so long.
Hello Newfag. Wated to inform you that infact greentext threads do not belong on /qst/.

You can actually look up some older /tg/ content or even threads from not long ago to see that those type of threads do belong on /tg/ and pop up from time to time.

Thank you for your attention and now please fuck back off to reddit.
>not knowing "Cold Shoulder"
get out, newfag
/qst/ is for QUEST'S, this doesn't qualify as a quest. Also, i don't see the mod's complaining how this isn't in /qst/.
Ok, thread ruined and devolved let's try next time.
not yet
>be onboard of Corvus Blackstar
>pilot asks where to put us down
>"that massive sinkhole with the explosions and gauss fire might be a good start"
>fly lower
>assault cannons let fly a burst of boltshells, tear apart a few crons and send the eldar scattering
>transport bay opens
>That fucking furry Einarr jumps out first, a feet above the ground that is, landing atop some huge Necron spider thingy
>he stabs it to death with his combat knife
>Despite how much I despise that guy for calling me gay all the time I can't deny he's fucking good at this
>I go next, spraying wildly with my bolt rifle as I fall
>Supposedly I'm some kinda sword champion or something but I swear I'm way better with a bolter than with a blade
>land next to some mortal in ragged robes with a gauss gun
>fucking heretics man, if you're gonna turn away from the light of the emperor at least become a cultist of something cool like chaos, who the fuck worships the Necrons?
>shoot at him with my bolt pistol
>miss 3 shots, no big deal for a mortal but pretty shit for a marine
>see the sisters praising the emperor for sending his angels
>unsheathe "relic" blade, chop up two Necron warriors and dispose of a handful cultists with a few swift swings
>beat this, you furfag Einarr
Niggers that massreply like this will be the first to hang
>cringey autism
>feels the need to post a picture with his every post
>every picture is some mediocre fanart for horny 15 year olds
>Be Death Cultist
>Situation is going south and we're all now charging the enemy
>These glass and metal weapons are quite amazing when firing them
>Though the foes weaponry are quite intimidating, to be honest
>Jeremiah got torn asunder by of the Toaster Fucker's Weaponry
>RIP Jeremiah, you are now free
>There are also some red-haired people charging with swords getting torn to shreds
>No idea who they are but they look to be in a death cult
>Hopefully we can team up once the firefight ends
>Some massive behemoth of a man is charging us
>Decked out in armor from head to toe
>Most intimidating thing yet
>Skeletal warriors start to fire at him as he starts slicing our forces into pieces with a massive sword
>Now it's serious
>Begin firing my "Gauss weapon" at the metal behemoth
>hope the scarabs are doing alright
>charge cultist who looks to be leader of necron worshippers
>oh fuck he's gonna hit me and that's a pretty big gun
>trip over dead necron warrior while trying to dodge the bolt of lightning his gun let lose
>crash to the ground with an earth-shaking clank
>get zapped a little while on ground, I think the cult leader believes me knocked out though
>Well that's it with my display for the bolter bitches, they're all fixated on Einarr now
>Except that one there, she's rushing to help me
>how the fuck is she sprinting so fast, she seems to be quite curvaceous for a sister of battle
>only a few feet away from me, I notice it
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>Be me, Mandrake hired by some pompous Archon I didn't even bothered to learn name of
>Learns he intends to hunt for slaves for torture
>He picked some mon-keigh world with low tech level, to acquire as healthy slaves as possible, on request of his haemonculi
>The world seems familiar
>It actually has a Tomb World I heard of back in the day
>Forces of Imperium, both religious and technological are already there
>As are our Craftworld brethren
>There's a lot of caves and shadows down there

>Be Battlesister Angela
>Somehow got caught up in the middle of the Eldar/Deathwatch/Necron crossfire
>Maybe charging down into the dig site to fight in close combat was a bad idea
>Oh, and it turns out the toaster-fuckers DID find Necrons
>See a Space Marine go down and rush over to help him, firing away at these heretical xenos worshippers
>How in Holy Terra did the Missionarus Galaxia miss THAT heresy?!
>Be Blood Ravens Librarian, currently in Deathwatch
>already catalogued what gifts to take home after my time is over
>That Primaris brother does have a neat sword-
>Eldars, Necrons, Sororitas in a planet, we're being sent in
>Might not even need to receive gifts from battle brothers at this rate
>Jump in, start zapping xenos left and right with psyker powers, surverying the place for things worth taking home
>The furry fuck is taking all the glory, only possible competition is newbie Dark Angel
>Cultist aiming at him with gauss weapon
>Fuck that.plan
>Move dead xenos body so that he'll trip and survive
>Might actually learn to keep his eyes open for next time
>No time to properly aim lighting before getting fired myself, instead use some quick force power to push the xeno weapon out of the cultist's hands

>Be Death Cultist
>Metal Behemoth charges toward me
>Aim gauss at him
>He trips and falls face first making me lose balance
>Gun literally jumps out of my hands and lands behind cover
>I didn't know Gauss weapons could do that
>Some cultists try to use their melee weapons on the behemoth, but they just make loud clanging noises off his armor
>They predictably get obliterated
>There's a woman in armor somewhat similar to the behemoths charging towards him
>She's got less armor than the behemoth, so melee might actually work
>Unsheathe sword and charge with reckless abandon
>see this absolute beauty of a woman charge to help me
>get up a second before she reaches me
>she's almost as big as that titmonster sister I saw earlier, she seems to be blind on one eye
>shove her behind me to protect her,easy enough considering I'm roughly one and a half times as tall as her
>the cultists and the crons start focusing their fire on us, the cultists are clearly scared of the big man with the big blade and want me dead as fast as possible
>"Brother librarian, help me to close in on their lines!"
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all of these faggots falling for it
>Hear brother's plan
>Sounds good
>Open passage through the warp to teleport us to melee range of the enemy
>Hear whispers for a few instants
>Just a couple inches off planned location
>Battle brother still looks the same
>Good enough
>Start bashing cultists with staff
>Note location of gauss weapon to pick up later
>Thinking I have the sister safe, I suddenly feel kinda weird and floaty
>my sight goes to black
>then everything becomes nothing but strange shapes in strange colors, kinda like when you close your eyes for a while but way more intense
>there's voices now
>did that one just insult my primarch
>sensation subsides in an instant
>inexplicable stand next to Brother Matteus and about 60 feet from previous location, he's already beating a necron scarab with his staff
>keep swinging my blade and firing my bolt pistol into the enemy, hope the sister is safe where I left her
>Be me.
>Be confused as to what these darker knife ears, hard fleshies, and fuck else are doing.
>See an entire combat faction of bitches.
>Order troops to take the bitches alive, shoot the fuck out of everything else.
>Life’s good.

>Be Frightened Death Cultist
>The Behemoth got back up and is now shielding that woman
>On second thought
>Duck out of sight
>I'm not going to die charging something I can't kill
>Take a peek at them
>The Behemoth is gone
>Look around and see he's moved like 60 feet in just two seconds
>How fast is he?
>See another smaller but equally armored behemoth bashing Necrons with a staff
>He's hitting a Scarab
>Look around for some weapons
>Find a cracked gauss weapon, some green sparks are coming from the crack, but I think it will make for a great melee weapon since lightning likes metal
>Pick up the sparking tube and charge at the smaller behemoth to protect the precious Scarabs
>This is a perfect way to go out for my lord
>Fuck, she’s charging some of the hard cases.
>Damn it’s like they WANT to die.
>And he’s manhandling my shit.
>Aw hell naw.
>Quick warscythe blasts to make him fuck off, decapitate more knife ears.

>Be me
>Magos Alexia
>Watching from behind Overlord Addathes as some Deathwatch marines and a lone sister of Battle enter the cave and start attacking the cultists and necrons
>Notice one of the Deathwatch has a pauldron with Blood Raven heraldry
>Hang back with the female techpriests I brought with me, watching quietly as the cultists try and fail to kill the space marines
>Tap Overlord on shoulder and point at the Librarian
>"You should want to kill that one, he's the biggest threat."
>Suddenly notice one of the cultists charging at the Librarian with a cracked gauss weapon to hit with melee
>If that gauss weapon shatters its detonation will make a melta grenade look like a firecracker
>Lunge forward and tackle the cultist to the ground, smothering them underneath me as I yell: "ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL EVERYONE HERE YOU IDIOT?!"
>Well, red robe bitch has a point.
>Order coordinated fire on the hardshells, personally fire at the man handler.
> be me
> Emperor's Champion Ulric Williams.
> Be part of glorious 4th Crusading company of the Black Templars chapter.
> Hear from the astropaths about a tomb world being awoken by the FUCKING COGCUNTS... again....
> annoyedsighing.dorn
> why the hell they never learn I will never know.
> then hear about the death cult worshiping the necrons, the sororitas convent, and the eldar on planet.
>Raven senses tingling.psykana
>Twist out of the way of incoming necron blasts before I even aknowledge them
>Notice Magos is keeping gauss weapon cultist down
>We're surrounded though
>See Necron Overlord, he keeps firing at me
>Crazy Idea.plan
>Charge at the xeno
>be inside cave now
>apparently battlesister angela was also teleported but was lost in the warp for a bit but I don't see her growing boyles, becoming really angry, starting to scheme or lewding herself so she seems to have remained pure
>run inside cave
>see necron overlord and some female techpriest stand next to each other, damncogbrains.heresy
>suddenly some guy charges us with a malfunctioning gauss gun, if the gauss channeling tube shatters not even the fanciest power armor will stand up to that
>Magos throws herself on her, yells something inaudible
>scream "Matteus, do something, I can't reach him in time and if I miss we're all going to experience the emperors mercy first-hand!"
>cringey autism
>doesn't belong on /tg/
Pick one.
don't feed him you's, the thread might derail

>Be Death Cultist
>Get tackled by a Toaster Fucker Cultist
>Drop Gauss weapon
>Toaster bitch is asking me if I'm trying to get everyone killed
>Does she not know what cult we are?
>"Were a death cult you toaster slut why the hell else would I charge that metal behemoth with a lightning tube?"
I agree with death cultist
Whatever this person is trying to do is to derail and destroy this thread
>Watch Brother Matteus issue a challenge to the Necron Overlord, he'll be busy so I have to come up with a solution of my own
>hand sister Angela my bolt rifle, ask "how good of a shot are you? We need to hit that little glowing green orb, that's the energy amplifier on the gun, if you hit that the gun becomes little more than a toy, but if you hit the focus tube we're gonna see an explosion that'll make a battlecannon shell look like a popcorn kernel popping"
>I sure hope at least she's a good shot because ever since I was declared "Sword Champion" I can't shoot for shit by marine standards
> Be Ulric Williams, Black Templar
> arrive over world, some back water agri-world that we don't even know the name of.
> reach orbit and begin hurtling towards the surface in drop pod, storm bolter loaded, black sword gripped, devotion chains secure.
> myfaithismyshield.litany
> land near the crater, door opens, squad charges across the open plains, towards what appears to be a cave
> cowards.heresy
> roar in unison with four hundred of my brothers as we reach the cave entrance.
> first one in, as is tradition.
> see cog girl talking with the necron overlord..
> whatthefrakisthisheresy.rage.
> raise the storm bolter and open fire as brothers reach the cave behind me.
> try to avoid hitting deathwatch brothers.
> don't stop charging. the HERETIC is mine.
>can't even truly rest
>at least I can still kill flesh bags
>anybody else think their skin looks nice
>really nice?
>I'm kind of hungry

>Be Sister Angela
>Welp, just got dragged through the warp by the Librarian into the Necron cavern
>I don't care if he's one of the Emperor's avenging angels, I did NOT need that.
>I swear to the throne if I end up a mutant because of this, I'm taking Gwellian's flamer and barbecuing that Librarian's ass
>Start gunning down cultists and necron warriors left and right
>Suddenly Deathwatch member hands me his bolt rifle and is asking how good of a shot I am
>About to fire at the target he pointed out (so tempting to shoot the cogbitch's head off) when suddenly BLACK TEMPLARS everywhere
>Well, I guess that's one way to get reinforcements
>watch lead Black Templar open fire with storm bolter at Magos and Death cultist
>Grab Deathwatch space marine's arm and say: "We should probably go before the Black Templars get us all killed."
>I may be a servant of the God-Emperor of Mankind, but I'm not about to let the idiocy of fellow servants get me killed damn it!
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>Be scarab
>Damn half-fleshies trying to kill my personal pet fleshie
>Hop off of pet fleshie and onto the half-fleshie
>Begin eating her metal bits
>Meanwhile start barfing up necrodermis onto pet fleshie so he gets converted
>Now he can be my personal petter forever
>"I agree, let's get out of here and out of sight of the others, I may be a space marine but I'm not interested dying because the damn templars got overzealous!"
>"Where do we go, sister? I can carry and protect you but I'm not a miracle worker!"

>Be me
>Newbie Sororitas Mallory
>Well things are completely insane now.
>Had to drag the Male Eldar we found trying to sneak away in battlesister armor and lock him up in the Repressor while the Sister Superior continues arguing on the vox
>Suddenly Black Templars show up
>Suddenly glad they didn't notice me put the xenos in our vehicle, otherwise things might get awkward.
>Now where did Sister Angela get to? Last I saw she was fighting alongside the Deathwatch marines...

>Be Death Cultists
>Me and toaster bitch are getting shot at now
>Scarab zooms up and starts biting at the Toaster cultist while simultaneously spitting out some silvery substance
>It burns like fire
>Some gets on the toaster as well, she's losing her shit
>Some get's into my eyes and I'm convinced they've melted
>Everything dulls for a bit, and then come back
>I feel, oddly calm
>Skin is now metal, kind off look like one of the skeletal machines
>Give the scarab a head pat as thanks while it still bites at the metal parts of the toaster fucker

>Look at Death cultist in disbelief and resist the urge to strangle her with my mechadendrites
>Hear crunching metalsounds
>look down and see a scarab is trying to eat my pristine metal stomach
>Swat Scarab off with mechadendrite
>having the scarab on me felt kinda nice, but I'm not food damn it!
>Wait, why is the death cultist getting all the cool metal skin? That's not fair!
>Wait... why are they shooting at me?! What did I do to piss them off?!
>Drag the Death Cultist back toward the tomb complex, using her as a human shield from storm bolter rounds
>I did NOT discover ancient xenotech just to get gunned down by friendly fire.
>At least I hope its friendly fire.
>Be Sister Angela
>"Get out of the crater. There's a Repressor on the edge that we can use for cover if the Templars get themselves killed!"
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> still be me, Ulric Williams.
> notice the sororitas with the deathwatch.
> issue orders to a few of my brothers to ensure the safety of our brothers and sisters.
> theemperorprotects.vox
> see the heretic try to retreat deeper into the cave network.
> sprint at max speed and grab the cultist being used as a human shield, chuck him back in deeper. Grab the heretic by the hood of her robes.
>"Then so it shall be!"
>pick up Sister Angela and sit her on my right shoulder, she's a pretty big woman in all the best aspects but due to my height and the bulkyness of my armor it looks like a dad carrying a toddler
>start sprinting towards the cave exit, reaching speed that, combined with my weight, would crush even a Skitarii's titanium ribcage
>reach crater, see a bunch of templar droppods and a few sisters standing around the repressor Angela was talking about
>the titmonster sister I remember from earlier is also there
>the sisters chuckle at the somewhat humorous sight of a giant in black armor carrying an adult woman like a small child
>"Stop cackling like hen and get down, the templars are gonna get us all killed!"
How about you fuck off, horsefucker? This is a 40k thread and we REFUSE to have it derailed!
The thread is under attack, ignore the raid posts until mod support arrives!
How about you make your own fucking thread or type this up on wattpad or something instead of shitting up a fun 40kRP thread? Thank you and goodbye
Just ignore the raider and report all his posts for being pony shit out of mlp
How about you read the fucking rules? This is not a quest, this is not author-driven. One could argue it is better suited to /qst/ but it is well within the rules to be on /tg/
>Be Mago Alexia
>Shit. This Templar thinks I'm a heretic!
>"What I am doing is perfectly within the territory of the Mechanicus you purge-happy fool! Now get your hands off me!!"
>Slips out of robes and books it deeper into the complex, grabbing my omnissiah axe to defend myself.
>Oh who am I kidding? I'm so dead right now its not even funny.

>Get used as a human shield for the toaster cultist
>Body gets bashed in by a lot of flying metal bits
>How am I not dead?
>Oh yeah transcendence
>One metal Behemoth charges like a fucking madman
>It chucks me deeper into the tombs
>I crash into one of our storage areas
>Hope I didn't break any artifacts
>See that the behemoth is about to annihilate the toaster
>She slips out of her robes and books it into our domain
>No way in hell am I letting her scamper around in our turf
>Grab an ancient sword from the artifact room and follow her
He's posting Mlp EqG related shitpost
II'm pretty sure it would count as "pony content out of /mlp/" but I don't wanna be banned because it's so fucking ambiguous
> Be Ulric Williams
> thisfuckingcunt.heretic
> think for a moment
> contrary to popular belief, we do think, we just have one track minds...
> what if she’s telling the truth though?
> having the mechanicum be pissy would be a bad thing.... especially after the ordinatus stunt.
> grab her by the hair and turn to drag her out to be interrogated by an actually sane techpriest.
> or a techmarine
> whichever he can find first.
> dammit why do I always get the iffy shit.
> I bet helbrecht and grimaldus never have to deal with this fuckery.
>"yeets on you"

Go back to tumblr

>Be me
>Newbie Sororitas Mallory
>Well, Sister Superior's finally off the vox.
>Apparently the Guard is going to do an artillery bombardment on the site.
>That's going to be very awkward to explain to the local peasants
>Deathwatch marine jumps out of the crater with Sister Angela on his shoulder, looking absolutely adorable/hilarious
>Struggle not to laugh at my fellow Sororitas and take cover behind the Repressor.
He is a attention seeker...
Everyone ignore him
If he tries spamming off topic shit just report for off topic and just do your regular posts...
Ignore him at all costs from here on now.
Man, I'm not any one of the players here but just let people have their fun. They're not doing any harm and you're getting on their ass for no reason. You're a sad faggot and you just can't stand it when others are having fun...
>Be me.
>Be dodgerolling away from charges and bullets while shooting hardcases.
>See fleshies retreat.
>Give orders to hold position and get the cultists some medical attention, while tending to our wounded.
>Damn kids won’t get off my lawn.
>At least my personal cultist got necrodermised. I really need to give that scarab a promotion.
One, bring a picture or similar evidence of the exact rule that prevents this. Two, stop posting pictures every damn post like a retard. Three, kinda being a dick for interfering with others fun. Finally, you do realize this senseless raiding is actually promoting our thread?

>Be Metalic Death Cultist
>Toaster bitch got dragged off by the behemoth
>Well that's good
>Though there are a lot more of those behemoths out there
>We're going to need more forces
>Look around for more genocidal machines
>Find some spider looking scarabs
>Looks like they're all fallen apart
>Dick around trying to put them together for a bit till they just put themselves together
>They kind of look like the scarabs but with more legs
>Wonder if they enjoy head pats as well
>Only one way to find out

>Be me
>Magos Alexia
>This reprobate is trying to drag me out of here by the hair. How dare he!!
>Struggle frantically, mechadendrites flailing against the Black Templar's grip as I attempt to get free.
>See Overlord, plead for help in both binary and normal speech
>Not helping my case in the 'I'm not a heretic department', but I want access to Necron tech damn it!
Sooo you aren’t going to provide something to prove you’re right? So we’re just gonna assume you are correct? Nu uh. Post evidence or you’re a liar.
>Be Chaos Lord Laranos
>Finally got our fleet spat out of the warp
>Giant ass warp rift around us as other ships tear into realspace
>Finally arrived at destination
>Need to get in contact with the chosen of the Gods
>Also need to prepare the landing of our forces on the planet
>I'll get down on the surface latter, I got stuff to do
>When everything will be ready, they won't know what hit them
>I ask Ralagus to contact >>62650163 telepathically and start setting things in motions
>We're gonna stay hidden behind another planet of the system while we prepare everything
>See banging red robe chick getting dragged off by hardcase.
>Shoot at the hardcase and get a guard to escort her to safety.
>Situation getting worse
>Duel interrupted
>Withdraw out of the cave after thanking the Black Templars
>Out of the cave, brother Ephraim is alive too
>Feel fluctuations in the Warp
>Raven senses screaming.psykana
>God damnit it's Chaos isn't it
>Approach the sisters of battle
>Speak to them in a grave tone: "Whatever void forces we have, tell them to get combat ready. We got a Chaos incursion on the way."
> be Ulfric Williams.
> shot goes past me.
> necron lord, shooting at me.
> cogcunt starts struggling even more.
> emperorfuckingdammit.warp.
> I let her go she goes to the fucking buckethead.
> alternatively... I could just kill her for heresy
> no need a mechanicum person first.
> tech heresy not my specialty
> get a vox from Chaplain Marius,
> Imperial guard is gonna crater this crater with artillery.
> goodbye murderboner I hardly knew ye.
> dammit.
> sling the techpriestess under my arm.
> order a retreat to make way for the bombardment.
> we'llbeback.menofiron
> brothers and I run like bats out of the warp to get out of range.
> wait for the artillery to end, then go back in.
>duck into cover with the sisters
>ask myself where Matteus went, he's probably fine though
>wait a few minutes
>"Nothing seems to have happened. Maybe we should check for all the sisters who were still in the crater. Or should we drive off to whereever you were going to go?"
>Be Magos Alexia
>Oh good, the damn templar let me go and is... fighting the necron overlord?
>Make it to one of the necrons before Templar picks me up again and starts carrying me toward the exit.
>Jam my mechadendrites into his armor use them to and shut down the power to the arm holding me, letting me slip out of his grasp
>Book it as fast as I can back to the tomb complex and take shelter with the rest of my female techpriest retinue inside
>Suddenly loud booms overhead
>Artillery bombardment?
>I thought the guard weren't supposed to come down on this world unless in extreme circumstances
>Oh well.
>Look at Necron Overlord and then bow, followed by my techpriest underlings
>Be me.
>Be overlord of fleshies and necrontyr, currently besieged by artillery.
>Muster all forces, commence reanimation protocols, necrodermis the wounded fleshies, EVERYTHING.
>Pull a quick squeeze of what seems to be the leader of the red robed chicks, as a sign of approval.
>Still loving my job.
> be Ulfric.
> fucking cog cunt.
> around thirty brothers stand with me.
> we're sealed in here with the bucketheads.
> see the cogcunt bow to the overlord.
> itstreasonthen.heresy
> charge the necron overlord.
> time for what I do best.
> single motherfucking combat.
>sounds like only dragging one body into the cave was a good idea
>shits getting bombed out there.
>plenty of time for getting dressed
>hey, this clothing is full of meat, looks like I can eat.
>just hope the lord doesn't notice, i really dont want to share this with anybody.
>wow this is messy eating, but now I'm warm in this suit.
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>Be the golden hero
>things have gone south while I was away
>Walking computers have unearthed not only the fey gate, the tomb of iron skeletons but also brought the retribution from skies and underworld
>And they are all fighting
>Only good thing is that I have a harem now, appereantly
>"Brother Matteus, where are you currently located? I have been holding out at the edge of the crater in refreshing company, is it safe down there? If not I recommend we go with the Sisters and fulfill proper missions rather than get into clusterfucks and almost get ourselves killed."
>Meanwhile, I observe the sisters. They all seem to be focused on either Sister Mallory for, uhm, obvious reasons, two of them actually, or Sister Angela with a look of, what is that... envy? Why would they be envyous? I mean, yes, Angela is also very full-figured and definitely the closest competition to Mallory among them, but she is a veteran just like them and has had quite tough luck down there.
>I will investigate this when I have less things to worry about

>Be (now-Heretek) Magos Alexia
>turns out this Necron is a bit of a pervert
>Remind myself it's all for the necron tech
>See Black Templars charging toward us
>Oh for the Omnissiah's sake, can't these close-minded fools get!!
>Debate whether or not I should grab a gauss weapon from one of the Necrons and gun down these irritating Space Marines myself, but decide its better to let the Skitarii and Necron warriors do it instead.
> As of right now, my blistring rage at how shitty verything is has overloaded my crippling fear
> Oh whats this? Well crack open a bottle of ancient gin because rather than the WordBearers, Abbadons 13th and a half black crusade has shown up
> HorayyyyYYYyyYYnngggg
> Also, we're lost
> Oh wait, we've just run into some Astartes
> Time to kill some deathwatch
> Wait, have deathwathch always had crosses on their shoulders
> "Sir, the Black Templars have arrived!"
> you know what, FUCK THIS.
> Get my gun and fucking Delete a BT
> You want a war, you got it fuckboys!
>Be I, Infamous purveyor of pleasant perversions, THE NICEDAEMONETTE!
>Currents of the Warp known as "IP Addresses" have shifted, allowing me to interact with the Materium once again
>Just in time for a cluster fuck involving busty imperials that I will preferably turn literal and hopefully lesbian
>Taste the familiar bitterness of breast envy
>Unfortunately flat Sister Superior in denial seems to be leading the Sororita
>It's called "boob plate" for a reason honey...

>I can help her with that though
>Begin metaphysically cramming my daemonic mass into her minuscule mosquito bites

>Your breasts are a gift from the Emperor. Use them to inspire, provide succor to, and nourish the faith of your fellow Sororitas. To do anything less is pure heresy.
>Start shooting rapid fire with warscythe, rolling around dodging.
>Order soldiers to fire on hardcase.
>Whatever controls my fate save my metal ass.

>Be Me
>Newbie Sororitas Mallory
>Grateful to see that Sister Angela is okay thanks to the Deathwatch Space Marine
>Give the Marine a polite bow, trying hard to ignore the looks from the other sisters of battle.
>"We should probably return to the convent and get ready for another attack..."
>Wisely decides not to mention the male howling banshee currently locked inside the Repressor
>Sees Chaos Space Marines descending from the sky and fighting Black Templars

OP here, gotta head out to work. Hopefully this thread doesn't die while I'm gone!
> Be Ulfric
> fucking necron lord rolling on the floor.
> starts to roll, punt his rusty metal ass across the room.
> slice two skitarii and a warrior in half with a sweep of the black sword. Fire the stormbolter at one of the hereteks.
> watch as she vaporizes.
> whirl around and deck a flayer. Then proceed to curbstomp its head into a pancake.
> charge towards where the bucket head landed as my brothers go to work on the xeno loving heretics.
>Jokes on him, he just propelled me to cut off a hardcase’s head.
>Start using the decapitated corpse as a shield, shooting at the motherfucker trying to kill my bitches.

>Be Metalic Death Cultist
>These spider scarabs are pretty receptive to head pats
>Hear more fighting happening outside
>Might as well bring these with
>Four follow me out and then just zoom forward at a very large group of metal behemoths
>One is doing battle with our Lord
>Weild my artifact sword and charge towards certain death
>Ralagus tells me it's fuckign impossible to establish contact with the Chosen
>Order my brothers to ready themselves for the assault
>The HoA and WE will take care of the moon bases, WB forces will focus on the biggest "city" of this backwater world
>The look on all their faces when the Dreadclaws will rain from the sky
>And when they'll realize we send the exorcists as well to get as much daemons and daemon-engines across portals
>I'll drop later, when we'll secure at least a foothold
>be Brother Ephraim, knight in shining armor to all the bolter bitches (except it's matte black and all banged up but hey it's my metaphor I can do what I want)
>Receive voxcast from PDF commander that there's a Chaos incursion in orbit and on the world
>Says he wanted to contact the Deathwatch first since we're the only force whose help they actually asked for
>Ask Sisters if they knew anything about this
>They were also told a few seconds ago
>I oughta check with the Templars if they wanna purge some heretics and traitors in urban combat instead of doing jobs that should be left to PDF regiments and Inquisition firing squads
> Be Ulfric
> storm bolter clicks. Empty, but I took out ten more crons with it.
> I holster the storm bolter and charge forward, destroying all who stand before me.
> shove my dead brother out of the way and grab the bucket head by its neck
> dig in my boots and turn bringing the cron over my head and slamming him, headfirst into the metallic floor.
> slam my boot onto its back as it attempts to recover.
>Bitches don’t know about my warscythe skillz.
>As I’m getting thrown down, knock off his pauldron with the warscythe, setting off his balance because it’s damn huge.
> Be Ulfric
> use the destabilization to whirl around and slam the necron into a nearby solid metal wall, face first.
> bring him back and do it again, and again, and again, and again.
>"to the commander of the Black Templars force in the excavation crater, this is Brother Ephraim of Kill Team Gamma-Crucifix of the Deathwatch, do you copy? There are credible reports of a Chaos Incursion in the system with a large traitor force focused on the capital, where little resistance will expect them. Since there are so many of you, it is advised that you split part of your force off and defend the city along with the forces of the Adepta Sororitas and us, the Deathwatch."
>come to think of it, didn't that Magos who lead the Mechanicus forces say something about a Rogue Trader? What happened to that guy? I hope they didn't get boarded or destroyed by chaos, every loss of a Rogue Trader is a tragic loss of a brave soul
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>Be (how Heretek) Magos Alexia
>the Necron Overlord might lose
>If he loses I'm a dead woman.
>grab gauss flayer from a downed Necron Warrior and start blasting away at Black Templar's head, trying to get him to drop the Overlord.
>"Get your hands off my Necron, you uncultured swine!!"
>Bitch after my own heart. She’s getting necrodermised.
>On a backswing, blast hardcase point blank in the face with scythe, causing him to drop me.
>Hook has at the knees, slicing wires or some shit.
Just got caught up, this thread is amazing. I formally request permission to archive this thread when it dies.
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>Be scarab
>Cultist likes being a necron and gives me extra headpats
>He grabs a hyperphase sword and charges the big armored fleshy
>Summon my little scarab bros to help
>Charge in and start eating away at the armor to get the the fleshy insides
>Gives cultist-cron good opening to attack
>Hope i get more headpats after this
Permission granted, but it’s not dying soon.
By all means, go right ahead.
Yeah love these kind of threads. Shame they seem somewhat rare, but I guess that makes them all the more special.
>Loyalist scum try to stop us from taking the planetary capital
>Like that's gonna stop us
>Now that the first wave of brothers have arrived and started to prepare defenses, I command cultists and more brothers to go to the surface, gotta tell the locals we are here to liberate them, that usually works.
>I'm sending my best Dark Apostles (that aren't me of course) to do the job right
>Civilians will be told to help us prepare a defence against their former enslavers
>I also tell the Exorcist-in-chief, brother Mor'Nathal, to get some others to help him open a portal to Sicarus
>Shit's about to go down!
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> be Ulfric
> take a face of the damn gauss cannon.
> techmarinesaregonnakillme.shit
> grab the warscythe and use it to pivot the necron lord into the crazed cunt's line of fire. Blocking the gauss shots with the xeno's own torso.
> using the xenos as a shield, I charge the crazed magos and slam it into her
> proceed to grab it by the arm holding the war scythe and tear it out of its socket.
> bash the magos with the still flailing necron lord.
> hear a transmission from the deathwatch kill team and quickly move to respond
> "this is Ulfric Williams, Champion of the Black Templars fourth crusading company. I am engaged in active combat with the necron lord and a possible tech heretic. I am in no position to help you at the moment, however my brothers have instructions to ensure the saftey of both the sororitas and your team, you may count on them to do the emperor's work."
> end the transmission as I continue to use the xenos as a club.
>Be I, Skitarii TX-24
>Can’t believe one such as I got knocked out by a peasant
>Forgot to pray to sometihing.binary
>Look up to see Magos Alexa bowing to the Necron lord
>Oh my Omnissiah, is she a heretek?
>Wait, now what do I do?
>Check the Skitarii users manual
>Yep, killing hereteks takes priority over protecting Magos
> Wait, I have to convince my robo-heart’s machine spirit on this one
> I need that thing to pump blood (for the time being).
> “Uhh… time for I to kill the thing that took the place of my Magos.”
> ItTooktheBait.DidIt4Luve
> Raise rifle
> Preserving memory in 3… 2… 1...
>Warp the fuck out of there to regen, along with my arm.
>Personal squad of bodyguards take over the fight, locking shields to knock the fucker right the fuck out.
>Be Me
>Officer of the Catachan II receiving distress call via intergalactic telecommunications array on both the Lunar Base and Surface of some backwater Agri-World
>Getting reports of the utter clusterfuck bullshittery occurring down on the surface and in orbit
>Give out the order to deploy and make planetfall essentially surmised by me smiling with wreckless abandon at my fellow Catachad Devil’s and tell them: let’s go save some Bolter Bitches / Hot Space Nuns and lay down the pain upon the enemies of the Imperium
>Go thru orbit and make planetfall beating feet with armored column enroute to secure the city and stave off any potential invaders
To the planet of Agua Fria rode a Rouge Trader one fine day...
>Captains Log
>Ave Emperor
>Today I woke with the strangest sensation.
>Breaking my fast on souffle made with the local tubers and a gastrique of fungi did nothing to alleviate the feeling
>My contract with the Ecclesiary to provide transport from the Imperium proper to this current mudball for a group of Adepta Sororitas is well funded
>While the Sisters seem to tolerate my presence at best, I have found their presence most edifying. No, more stimulating.
>My family's Warrant of Trade, and our ship, The Radiance of the Emperors Light... it is a good thing she is a large ship for such a name.
>But, yes, the Warrant of Trade and my ship has provided me with a life of adventure and indulgence. There are few pleasures denied me.
>Yet these Sisters --so beautiful, alluring and chaste--they tempt in body and soul.
>They likely do not know I have noticed a pecking order among them. A younger Sister traveled aboard the Radiance earlier.
>Emperor be praised but she was a busty one, and teased by her peers on account.
>One in particular, an older Sister, seemed especially frustrated with her. Were she not a Sister, I would have called it envy.
>I admit, the though of more of the Daughters of the Emperor showing such blessings would not displease me.
>My thoughts often linger on thoughts of such transformations, and how I might comfort the Sisters during that time of change.
>Enough of such idle fantasy. The crew has been slack of late and are in need of the lash. How invigorating!

>Be (Now Heretek?) Magos Alexia
>By the Omnissiah, today has not gone as planned.
>Getting beaten half to death with the arm of the Necron Overlord
>Suddenly Overlord disappears and the necron warriors swarm into deal with the Black Templar
>Slump on my back and lay there at the tomb entrance, battered to the point my right arm, face, and most of my mechadendrites are wrecked, and staring at the barrel of a Skitarii rifle.
>Look up at Skitarii and release a binaric burst of code to make him bring me deeper into the tomb complex
>Really REALLY hope he doesn't shoot me instead
> be me, Victor Samson, crusader attached to the Catachan II.
> Here we go again. Off to save some.... oh goddammit. Fucking sororitas
> repressedhorror.ptsd
> here's hoping harkus doesn't fuck the entire convent, and impregnate them all... again.
> pick up storm shield and power axe and follow harkus.
> If it's not slaanesh it's sororitas.
> throwing knives up sleeves and in various holsters, hellpistol tucked into belt.
> lets fucking do this.
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>Be Word Bearers slave
>Can't even remember my own damn name but I'm still alive
>Head Chaos lord asshole charges me and my friends with spreading the word of the dark gods to the locals
>"Spreading the word" meaning to shove books about the dark gods into the local's faces
>Can these fuckers even read
>Just start bullshitting and yelling at people about the "divine saviors"
>Actually manage to get a huge crowd going, praising me as some sort of prophet
>be Brother Ephraim
>get a message from the Black Templars command that TL;DR's to 'fuck off I'm busy'
>gotta defend the city with the help of only the Sisters then, which I'm fine with because I get to play the alphachad
>maybe Einarr will stop calling me gay then, that fucker is still chopping crons together with the Templars
>get contacted by PDF Commander
>Apparently the Catachans are here and want to actually do something that benefits the world and the system rather than stilling their murderous urges like the Templars or serving their own purposes like the Toasterhumpers
>"Sister Angela, say, who is your commanding officer? I've just received word of a Catachan armored column aiding our defensive preparations of the capital. We should link up with them"
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> be me Ulfric Williams
> fuck it. Imma beat more motherfuckers with another motherfucker
> grab the heretek by her foot, and procede to use here and the black sword to dismember the necron bodyguards.
> wait wut?
> is that skitarii not trying to kill us?
> a loyalist.
> theemperorprovides.faith
> "scion of the omnissiah help me purge these heretical monstrosities from this planet!
anyone else shipping some of the characters?
> Be me, Black Templar chaplain Marius Alfred.
> attempting to find where the fuck the deathwatch went so we could provide support.
> come across a city and notice a group of sisters sitting around.
> "Salutations warriors of the ecclesiarchy, would you happen to point me towards your commanding officer, my brothers and I are here to offer assistance to you all."
> doffs top hat to them as two hundred astartes stand behind the chaplain.
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>Be BattleSister Miranda
>Spot heretic spreading the word of Chaos
>Good thing these peasants practically worship my Sisters and I as literal angels of the 'Golden Hero', even if he's got crowd at his back
>Lower my Flamer and take aim at the filthy chaos worshiper and turn on the flamer
>"Die, in the name of the God-Emperor of Mankind!"

>Scarabs and spiders are now attacking the behemoths
>They really are the best
>Charge at the closest on and stab at it's chest
>Some blood shoots out but nothing else, and it doesn't even flinch
>Get punted into the cave wall
>metal body is fucked and some burnt stuff that I assume is blood leaks out
>Body then starts to heal itself
>Huh, that's neat
>Prymyself out of the wall and get met with metal bits from the behemoths weaponry
>Notice the Toaster fuckers are fighting for us
>That's cool but not as cool as our injured members ascending
>Look for that gauss cannon that left my grasp earlier
>It's not there anymore, someone must have taken it
>Sword is still in that one space marine, I could probably pull it out
>Be Harkus Straken
>Enter the Capital City of this backwoods Agri - Medieval Word alongside my friend Victor the one nut wonder and purger of slaneesh whom wields the mighty sword thot-slayer
>Chuckle to myself at what he did to that shrine back on the Eternal Penance and slap him on the back in a show of camaraderie as we enter into the city
>Immediatly deploy and send out my Catachan Devil’s to round up and denounce these heretics and chuck them form the city’s walls and gates
>The bulging biceps and hulking nature of us are enough to inspire them with awe and deter them from acting against us
>Look to Victor and send him to the crowd and ensemble of people to bring them back to the Emperor’s light and to see the vile and traitorous heretic and chaos worshipper dead
The cycle continues...
>Be World Bearer space marine
>First real action ever
>So Gods damned ready for this
>Be in dreadclaw
>Dreadclaw falls from the sky
>Be with the squadmates
>Reciting out lithanies before landfall
>Suddenly, big impact, doors open
>I rush out, bolter in hand, yelling one of the sentences from the Book of Lorgar
>See a lone figure with a flamer, ready to burn a mob of those we are liberating
>Rush at her
>Sarge will probably be happy that I saved them so we can convert them to the truth
>"well, that would apparently be me since all of the Sisters are of equal rank. Why are you wearing a top hat chaplain? A strange choice of clothing, even for the somewhat strange people that are chaplains. Well, whatever. The Catachans have already entered the capital and have started to deal with all the heretical preachers and cultists, we're currently trying to make something of our minimal resources to defend this oversized renaissance fair of a city"
>chuck a crude, hand-drawn map of the city towards the chaplain
>"this is the best map we could get in this septic pit of a city, I think we're gonna have to figure a plan out by ourselves"
> IncomingMessage.Warp
> Wait, what was that? I just had some wierd tingling in my brain.
> IncomingMessage.Warp (2)
> Good Gods, am I having a stroke?
> Wait, I must be recieving a message with my amazing psyker powers!
> [You have (1) call from: “CHAOS LORD LARANOS OF THE WORD BEARERS, Muahaha”]
> [Accept Call]

> Hello, this is Master Psyker Thomas speaking.
> What?
> Chaos Space Marines, you say?
> VeryInteristing.JustAsPlanned
> The Daemon, Uhh… It’s just sitting there? Its… Crying?
>See Dreadclaw land, Ffs Chaos Speesh Muhreeens
>Finally a Challenge!
>Leman Russ Vanquisher turret turns and directly unloads one round HE directly into rampaging squad of Traitor Astartes
>Levy Heavy Bolter and fires a steady concentrated stream of Bolter Fire directly at him and specifically at the joints of his power armored legs to interrupt his charge and bring him to his knees before he can reach the SoB
> chaos cultists.
> Realize that the people revere the sisters for some reason.
> apparently this sect believes them to be related to the emperor.
> in what way I do not wish to know.
> welp.
> time for me to get to murdering.
> proceed to walk through the crowd, and roar out the one thing that might cause the crowd to turn murderous.
> stand up to approach the cultist. Power Axe pointed towards the bastard in a challenge, armor glinting in the sun, glinting in stained silver beneath the black cloak he wears.
>Be me.
>Be now regenerated Overlord.
>Hop on personal jet bike, ready to gun some fuckers down at Mach speed.
>Race onto the battlefeild, firing EVERYTHING, shouting support to the troops as they see their overlord back in the fight shooting fuckers.
> be Chaplain Marius,
> he chuckles and adjusts his monocle.
> "would you require our assistance in dealing with these heretics? Or would you prefer we set up defences? While we may not act it, we are sons of dorn, and we still know how to fortify."
>"What the fuck does he mean "It's CRYING?" " Ark'Veras screams on the vox after Ralagus explains the situation
>Veras needs to chill, it was probably a misenderstanding
>How is the invasion going tho?
>I get the details
>Catachan, Bolter bitches and some deathwatch
>Could be worse desu
>The exorcists better get to work, I want the daemons, the engines ready for battle and Sicarus better send in the reinforcements!
>At least we got the time to place the predator tanks in strategic positions... or rather those we could fit them in, apparently used Tarantula sentries where they couldn't go
> Blast of Binary frazzles my brain
> AbsolutelyHeretekal.iStillLoveYou
> Suddenly stopped by means of space marine picking up my Magos and swinging her around
> How Dare you?
> Wait, Isn’t she still a heretek?
> Shit, now my programming is telling me to protect and kill Alexia at the same time
> As if my feelings weren’t complicated enough
> My brain is way screwey
> I scream “Die, Heretic!”
> Zap that fuckin space marine
> Why did I do that
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>Be cultist prophet
>Fucking catachans and sisters start surronding and attacking us
>Fall back into the largest catherdral in the city
>Block the door with everything we have
>Move stone coffin and discover a weird huge metal door underneath
>Covered in the toaster-fucker symbols
>Hear them breaking in so herd my congregation into the depths
>Slam that door behind us
>I'm so getting fired for this

>Be (Heretek) Magos Alexia
>Really, really regretting not replacing my lower half with augmetics right now.
>98% certain Being used as a literal bludgeon By this Black Templar has broken most of my leg bones
>If not most of my body.
>See several of my Techpriest girls walk out of the Tomb complex carrying several Gauss Blaster heavy weapons
>Eyes go wide as I see them point them at the Black Templar using my body as a weapon
>Techpriests fire their weapons, hitting the Black Templar in the arm, shoulder and wrist.
>And vaporize my legs from the thighs down in the process
>Look up at Necron Overlord and weakly raise an arm for help.
>I must be good enough for him to keep around... right?
>"Than go ahead, stereotypically british man."
>what the hell is a british man
>why did I just say that
>Head into the heart of the city and towards the tumult building around the cathedral, apparently some minor heretics locked themselves in there
>signal the sister squad to follow me and check their corners, for all we know there could be fucking Alpha Legion spooks around here
>ow ow ow
>what the fuck why was my head flat
>I was eating
>now I have no meat
>oh hey, that has some skin.

>Be Metalic Death Cultist
>Things are now escalating at a very fast pace
>But it's escalating in our favors at least
>See that same Toaster Cultist from earlier
>She looks like she's been used as a club
>Decide that she could use some of that liquid metal and transcend her flesh shell
>Quickly pull her off to the side
>get some scarabs to help transcend
>They eat some of her metal bits and then coat her in the stuff
>wonder what they did in their toaster fucker cult
>Be scarab
>Cultistcron asks me to transcend toaster fucker
>Give her some of that necrodermis to transform her
>After necrodermis converts her, wait for headpats
>I must have those headpats
>be me
>be Billy Mays
>be Billy Mays the Rogue Trader
>be selling a bunch of shit I stole from another system to a nearby forge world for scrap to make new shamwow steel wool sponges for Imperial citizens to spend their filthy thrones on
>keep giving everyone I meet that classy tagline
>unload my vox-servo skulls onto the planet
>each one taken from an honorable customer
>unleash ten trillion of them onto this hiveworld
>none shall escape my products
>within minutes the planet can hear the chorus of ten trillion advertising servo skulls mouthing off in unison
>people's eardrums shatter but they will become my customers they will all buy from the sacred brand
>my brand
> Be I, Skitarii TX-24
> Right now the one that is I is super split between my innate Skitarii Programming, my desire to kill Hereteks, my desire to protect Alexia, and the screeching of the machine spirit in my robo-heart to also protect Alexia.
> You aren’t helping, Robo-Heart
> The other techpriests are here
> Wait, they’re aiming at the SM currently holding her
> Noooooo.RobotInLove
> Watch as her legs are blasted off
> Whyyyy
> She cries weakly for the Necron to help her
> That necron isn’t even here
> Then a cultist drags her off to the side and starts to put some XenoTech shit on her
> OhHeEEeeeEeellllNoo.Binary
> Kick the Fucker
> Kick the Scarabs
> Blast a few more
> Now we’re alone
> The being that is I could definately kill her now
> End her miserable traitorous heretek life
> …
> Dammit, I have to save her, don’t I
> Pick her up
> Fucking runnn
> I don't care if you're a heretek, the one that is I loves you
> dammit, there goes a few more parts of my armor.
> grab a frag grenade and chuck it toward the cunts with the gauss cannons.
> watch as they attempt to run before it goes off, killing two of them.
> I grab a boltgun from one of my dead brothers, and fire it at the bike trying to grab the heretek.
> I must have hit something important because its going up like a fireball.
> I turn my attention back to the heretek.
> oh motherfu-
> look around and find her being carried away by the skitarii
> stomp over there, reloading my stombolter.
> dammit I have chaos on the way, I don't have time for this shit.
> he looks at the coggirl and the skitarii now carrying her.
> technically.... she is still a magos as far as the admech knows...
> I'm gonna regret this later aren't I?
> meh fuck it.
>..... he stomps over to them and grabs the skitarii by his robe.
> fuck it, we're leaving.
> he mutters to the heretics
> "alright you two here's the deal, I have a chaos invasion incoming to this planet, neither of you wanted to go heretek if the madwoman in your arms wasn't lying earlier, so here's whats going to happen, if you both help me defend the people of this world and survive, I shall forgive you of your sins and make you chapter serfs, rendering you untouchable to the ecclesiarchy or the admech. Do we have a deal?"
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>Be Battlesister Miranda
>Oh good, the Catachan II are here. Buncha flirts, but they make great cannon fodder in the service of the Emperor's Wrath
>Chase Chaos cultists and his heretical flock into the cathedral, getting ready to make more heretic barbecue.
>Find the cathedral empty, except for a very, very obvious hiding place.
>Start yelling at the Catachans to blow those cog doors open so we can purge these filthy heathens
>Still be me, Daemonette what of sapphic sympathies
>Still squeezing my abstract ass into this Sister Superiors "bust"
>Taking forever
>Wonder if the female Rogue Trader who ordered the cogheads to dredge up this Webway Gate is one of ours
>Likely, since we all know how much Momma loves her elf-snacks


>Geez, is this bitchs' chest concave or something?

Gwenllian's poster is busy at the moment, so we might have to wait a bit.

>> Realize that the people revere the sisters for some reason.

>>"What the fuck does he mean "It's CRYING?"
>Fucking Emoletter and his special snowflake MALE Planet Sailors
>Be scarab
>Was being a good boy converting toasterlady into a necron
>Suddenly some mostly metal asshole starts shooting and stomping on us
>He picks up toasterlady and begins running away
>Latch onto his mechanical leg with all my might
>Really hard to do so with all this shaking
> Be Victor Samson
> really? A door?
> I once had to fight a goddamn ork waagh with one arm. You really think a door will stop me.
> at door and explosives
> backs the fuck up and waits for explosives to detonate.
> they detonate and I sprint like a madman down into the depths.
> chase the cultists into the depths of whatever the fuck this is.
> ecclesiarchyshitisweird.vox
> catch up to the cultists.
> ohfuckthehellyes.purgingtime
>Be Me
>Lieutenant Harkus Straken
>Direct the Catachan Armored Column to fire directly at squad of dismounted Traitor Astartes with Bolter, Flamer, & Plasma Sponsons they follow through with the orders making sure not to inflict any collateral damage or civilian casualties in the process
>Catachan Devil’s reap and fall upon them with a wave of Bolter, Las, & Stubber Fire effectively shredding them when combined with weight and might of the Imperial Guard flashing and showing off their bare pectorals and bulging biceps they serve as an exemplification of an stalwart band of Rambo’s
>Rallying the townspeople and sees to their defense and evacuation / refuge from the battle - clustefuck that is unfolding
>Effectively send out multiple detachments of troops to secure and lock-down the city as well as fortifying the Capital’s walls, gate, and outer perimeter with gun emplacements, sandbag fortresses, trenches, watchtowers, minefield, boobytraps, etc
>Effectivley militarize and establish the Capital City as one whole Imperial Guard base of operations / staging ground
>At the behest of the SoB and at the orders of Harkus a group of Catachan’s combat engineers come over and rig the Catehdral doors with focused explosive charges and blow it’s doors wide open and down with a smile toward her I assign that same group to accompany the smoking hot SoB to go in with, accompany and help root out and kill the Choas Heretic currently taking refuge inside
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>Be chaos prophet
>Continue down through this maze of metal and machine
>Eventually make it to what I think is some kind of control room for something
>Just start pressing shitloads of buttons
>Suddenly it's like I'm on a fucking ship exiting the atmosphere without a void shield
>Whole place starts rocking and crashing
>Some kind of viewport opens up to reveal we're in huge fucking robot thing
>Guess I'll get to keep my job after all

>Be Metalic Death Cultist
>Some metal dude runs up and punts my head off
>It fucking careens off into the catacombs
>Some scarabs help me get my head back on
>The metal dude is now running off with a new transcended member
>Not on my watch
>Grab a discarded gauss weapon and follow with a few scarabs in tow
>One scarab is already on the kidnapper
>He's so getting a head pat and a belly rub after this
>be on the command deck
>turn to voidsman
"Hey watch this!"
>dump the entire cargo bay of my kilometers long cargo vessel onto the planet
>smoke rises from a hive city below
>Oxythrone rains from the sky onto an unsuspecting hive city
>blanketing everything in a foamy white powder
>call up imperial governor
>demand compensation for my losses
>tell him I'll extend his tithe if he doesn't
>forward a two hundred page agreement to his office
>check the main feed
>see where the bulk of the Oxythrone is going to fall
>see an Imperial titan get pounded by my wonderful product
> be Victor Samson
> find the chaos cult.
> oh fuck he's pressing buttons
> chuck a throwing knife into the panel.
> watch as the panel sparks and bursts into flames.
> draw my power axe and charge the cultist scum.
>Be me.
>Be victorious Overlord.
>Follow train of underlings on jet bike and make plans.
>Gonna capture that bitching capital I heard about.

>Be Heretek Magos Alexia
>Damn it Skitarii TX-24, that cultist was healing me!!
>That said, your diligent affection for your superior is... touching
>Well, at least my arm and mechadendrites are healed and necronized.
>Suddenly the Black Templar is in front of us, blocking the path.
>'Forgive us of our sins?' I'm a goddamn Magos Explorator, No way in hell am I going to spend my life as some lowly serf!
>Whisper softly in TX-24's ear to shoot the Black Templar in the face and I'll pay all the attention to him he could ever want
>Which is the truth. Being in a Necron tomb facility is probably the safest place during a Chaos incursion after all. Even more so if said Necrons are on your side.

Disappearing for awhile, will check back in a few hours
>Be cultist prophet
>Titan just got pounded with some kind of soap product called "oxythrone"
>Doesnt do much but the titan is squeaky clean now
>Fucking catachan just threw a knife at me
>What an asshole
>Grab my autogun and try to full auto
>It jams
>Warp dammit
>Affix bayonet
> be me Ulfric Williams
> oh no.
> she's considering the alternatives...
> not good, for anyone involved.
> fuck it... might as well tell them the truth.
> "skitarii, at this point, it's either that or you both die, would you be willing to put your charge at risk and face potential exterminatus, become nothing more than puppets for daemons, or would you rather live as a chapter serf? I don't like this any more than you do, but this is the best I have currently."
>Be scarab
>Finally the running has stoped
>Another Armored asshat tries to stop us
>Not gonna happen bucko
>Crawl into a crack on his armor
>End up at the feet
>Bite the fuck out of them
> be me Victor Samson.
> is he? charging me with a bayonet?
> man's got balls.
> deflect it with storm shield and bury his the power axe into the cultist's shoulder.
> "you are not the first one to attempt to stab me, nor the first one to fail, and like the others, now you meet your end."
> he knees the cultist in the groin and brings up the axe to swing it down on the bastard's scalp
>be Imperial citizen
>see machine god
>machine god gets pummeled by laundry detergent from the heavens
>get deaffened by the sounds of
>ears are bleeding
>haven't eaten in a week
>the city is burning
>maybe that white stuff tastes good
>start licking frosted white snow off the ground
>be me, one of Harkus' "fresh recruits" from off planet
>be private reiger
>be stuck with him for two year now
>made into a fine devil fighter
>the crazy bastard actually manages to militaries these civvies
>can't let them have all the fun
>leap out from the trees with knife in teeth
>muscles glistening all the while
>proceed to rip out one of the traitorous bastards throats with said knife in teeth
>peak enjoyment
>Be cultist prophet
>Catachan asshole is raising his sword to fucking scalp me
>Hear voices in my heard
>Good my child, good you still have much work to be done, allow me to help you and I will-
>Leave me alone you parapalegic toddler, I'm trying to give this human my gifts of the warp
>Well how about a deal, he can take both and see which one he likes more
>Suddenly my muscles start burging and my mind is open to the warp
>Grab the sword and snap it like a toothpick
>what the fuck, who hid a titan underground in this backwards shithole, there's barely a sewer system here
>it's also raining soap
>oh fuck, there seems to be some kind of brawl going on in the titans control chamber
>"We have to put an end to this and get control of that titan before it falls into the wrong hands, or on our heads for that matter."
>This is clearly getting out of hand for a single Kill Team and a handful of Sororitas to deal with
>Request reinforcements from watch captains, also where thr fuck are Matteus and Einarr, we got separated after the Templars showed up

Alright folks, I'm gonna catch some sleep, I'm in the euro time zone so it's kinda late for a weekdays. I'll be back tomorrow. Remember to create a new thread before this one dies and ignore shitposters and people complaining this belongs on /qst/, they're quite simply wrong
> Be victor samson
> really? more daemons?
> at this point why am I not even surprised.
> stab the broken axe shaft into his eye socket and proceed to slice off one of his arms while drawing my power claymore.
> who's laughing at the name now Serenity?
>Be Cultist Golfer
>No idea what's fucking going on
>Sisters of Battle, Admech, fellow cultists, space marines, were those a few xenos?
>Fuck it, hiding in hole until somebody with a better grasp of what's going on comes to make me do something
>A follower through and through
>Shit hasn't been this confusing since that planet with all the fire and the xenos. It rained beer there, now it's raining soap.
Is somebody archiving this btw?
>Be the prophet
>Asshole still cut off one of my arms and stabs out an eye
>Daemons start popping out of everywhere
>Raise my only remaining hand and channel the warp
>Blast a shitload of lighting at the fucker
>He manages to dodge most of it
>I charge out toward him, my stump of an arm morphing into some kind of huge claw
>Slash his arm off in return
>Prepare to collect his skull for khorne
> fucking daemons
> swing the sword at the legs, severing both of them.
> shrugging off the lightning
> it'll take a lot more than that to take me down.
> "well? come here you motherfucker, daemon or not you frighten me about as much as a fucking blade of grass."

>Be Metalic Death Cultist
>Catch up to the toaster stealer
>There's a metal behemoth in front of them
>Toss tactical Scarabs at the Behemoth to eat its face off
>While that happens I charge toaster theif to free the newly ascended toaster
>I body slam the theif freeing the captive toaster and bash it with the sharp parts of my gauss weapon
yeah someone is archiving it, no need to fear
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> The battle has turned from a confrontation between us and Sisters, to a bunch of kill teams running around the fields doing whatever they please, then finally to a full blown war between the Imperium & Chaos Forces, all the while Necrons are awakening.
> I’m getting a message.
> “General, report!” says my superior
> Well we took some initial causualties busting out of the portal, and now we’re a bit lost, just killing Chaos cultists and guard if we find any.
> “Chaos, Guards, What?”
> There have been a few additions to the conflict, I say.
> “How many?”
> Too many.
> “It appears we are given no other choice.”
> Uh-oh
> “We must use the craftworld to destroy the planet before its corruption infects the systems around it.”
> They couldn’t possibly mean-
> “You must escape back through the portal before we arrive. As soon as we reach the system, we will commence…

> Elf-sterminatus!”
>Be Savorius, Sorcerer of the Thousand Sons
>Some "friends" among the Chaos forces on this random shithole have hired on my services
>Mainly for gazing upon the fate of the future.
>They have not used these skills well, but fuck it, Tzeentch is loving this stupid shit
>Anyways, apparently the Eldar are going to try to blow this place up
>Or at least that's what I can glean from the fortune cookies that the horrors keep giving me
>Only so many things that "elf-sterminatus" can mean
>Luckily for my "friends" on the planet, the Eldar are overly proud fools, so damned assured of their own greatness
>Which is why their door is unlocked

>Burst into the craft world with daemons, rubrics, and tzaangors. Just as planned bitches!
>see eldar craftworld pop into viewscreen
>urge to sell cannot be ignored
>order sublight engines to to maximum
>approach a fraction of the speed of light as the ship speeds its way into the craftworld
>Be me.
>Be now untunneled Overlord.
>Using the power of atomization, cleared a tunnel through to the capital so I could deep strike my mates.
>Start firing at everything nonmetallic and zooming around on personal jet bike.
> Be Chaplain Marius Alfred.
> see some terribly rude automaton running around shooting people on a jet bike.
> step out in front of it and slam into the necron's head, knocking him clean off of his mount and sending the terrible thing careening into a building where it explodes.
> don't even bother to look back.
> straighten bowtie, adjust monocle, brush chip off of shoulder plate.
> begin to casually stroll toward the hooligan who has been knocked from his steed as it slowly rises.

> Be I, Skitarii TX-24
> This is all very confusing
> Black Templar is speaking of forgiveness
> Not sure what to say
> Magos says to shoot him
> WhateverYouSayMyLady.RobotInLove
> About to delete this bucko when suddenly notice scarab crawl into boot of BT
> Was That On Me? I need to update sensors
> Moments after, am suddenly tackled by Xeno-cultist.
> You know what?
> Magos Alexia has said this cultist was healing her
> I doubt the Omnissiah sees spreading grey Xeno-goo on people is healing
> But if Magos likes this one, well…
> Ugh.exe
> Sling rifle over back
> Grab Alexia in one arm
> Pick up this angry cultist in the other.
> There’s a three way battle going on behind us, and the being that is I has pissed off all three sides
> Reasonable options are limited to running awayyyy
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> be me
> be getting attacked by scarabs from the inside.
> ignore the biting sensation in boot.
> grab the cultist and the skitarii.
> throne dammit what am I doing?
> you know what?
> fuck it
> all three of them are coming with me.
> grab the cultist by the waist and the skitarii by the back of his hood.
> I have scarabs in my boot, the techmarines might just kill me for ruining this armor, and I'm pretty certain the tomb has awoken at this point.
> but by the emperor I'm going to do this even if it fucking kills me.
> hoists magos over one shoulder, puts skitarii and cultist under one gargantuan arm.
> runthefuckaway.ultimatemove.
>Damn these things are fast.
>I can't catch these fucking meat bags.
>screw this, the overlord is way off and probably closer to full bodied meats.
>time to wake up some flayed ones.
>Draws twin Devil’s Claw’ knives and approaches the dismounted Overlord, he strikes stabbing both Adamantium blades downwards into his shoulders twisting them within he then pulls them out and crisscrosses them into an x form and cleaves his head off his shoulders

>Be Metalic Death Cultist
>Get grabbed by the Toaster thief and then the behemoth
>The ascended toast is sung over his shoulder
>Scarabs are having little to no effect on him
>He starts running out of the cave system
>Don't want to know where he's taking us
>Still have a hold on my gauss weapon, though can't actually aim it at him while he keeps me pinned up against the thief in his arms
>Might as well try shooting him though
> be me
> growling as he exits the cave system and the cultist is still shooting.
> he baps him on the side of the head with his hand.
> "if you wish to continue living, then cease firing."
> why the fuck am I even doing this?
> this is probably the STUPIDEST thing I have ever done.

> Be I, Skitarii TX-24
> Am suddenly being carried by BT
> Am right next to Xeno-Cultist
> Encourage her not to shoot her horrible weapon
> My weapon is fine to use, however.
> Whilst the BT is protecting Alexia and not threatening to shoot her, i guess its on our side
> Use my articulated arm to shoot my rifle backwards

> There’s the being that is I,
> An uncharacteristically open-minded Black Templar
> My unconcious Magos, currently being infected by Xeno-goo
> A screeching Cultist, trying to get us killed
> A friendly scarab
> What a fucking team
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>be me
>be 15
>Death korp infantry DY654, sent to reinforce the 993rd Krieg
>First time off-world, I look back at home, I feel nothing
>Commisar said that he was told there would be a new deathworld for us to go to
>We might be the first regiment of Krieg to land on it
>A feel a pang of something in my stomach
>No that's it, I haven't paid attention to that in years
> There are supposedly multiple xenos races on the planet, and the administratum is almost certain there will be more arriving soon.
>There are multiple Imperial forces planetside, but the Adminstratum thinks we should go help anyway
>We enter the warp and head off for it.
>Commisar receives new word on his vox
>"We can only raise 2 other regiments right now, sorry boys, but we're not going to that developing deathworld anymore, not enough men to start a new campaign, and we can't wait four months for the next three regiments to get ready."
>Feel slightly disappointed, but not really.
>"We'll be going off to Tarsis Ultra. We're going to meet up with Trymon Stagler."
>I'm kind of sad that we don't get our chance to serve on this death world, hopefully, we get a chance to atone on Tarsis Ultra.
>Motherfucker manhandled my ride.
>And it’s a hardcase too.
>Coordinate EVERYTHING from my troops on bringing this cunt down while I do the standard roll and shoot.
>Hate my job right now.
>Cue rolling away because guess what? Fuck that.
>Slash upwards with warscythe as I do so.

>Be Metalic Death Cultist
>Head get bopped for spray and pray
>Decide to not shoot again due to a newly acquired headache
>Still don't know where we're going
>That scarab is still with us
>He crawls up to me for some head pats
>Might as well as there's nothing else to do
>Stand up, order my soldiers to stop firing.
>Warscythe in hand, decide only one way to end this.
>Issue a challenge to whoever from the fleshies and hardcases wants to fight me one on one.
> be me,
> step forward to accept said challenge.
> "I shall face you in lieu of our champion."
> I tip me top hat
> "Chaplain Marius Alfred of the Black Templars 4th crusading company. May the emperor watch over this duel, and grant the best combatant victory."
> readies Cane Crozius.
There have been a few people giving names to this planet, so may I propose a definitive name for this planet; Mammaron Maximus, named after the golden hero mammon and certainly not after any large body parts.

How do you people think?
i dunno, maybe if there aren't any better names
>Shit, Gentlesir stepped up.
>Think I can take him more than OG hardcase.
>Go to sweep the leg.
>Issue my dynasty’s long standing battlecry.
>be me guard walking through this shit hole with my squad.
hey bob got any recaff left?.
Yeah I'll gi-.
>Bob fucking explodes see a eldar laughing his ass of of course it's fucking eldar.
> be me
> slam the cane into the ground in the path of the leg sweep.
> the leg collides with the leg sweep with a massive clang.
> centuries of having to restrain brawling astartes and fighting orks have strengthened his muscles beyond even the standards of normal astartes.
>Fuck, almost hurt.
>Try to get up and into an advantageous position, fire scythe into the air as a distraction.
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> This might be a shit sequence of events, but blowing up cultists and guards has proven to be absolutely hilarious
> But lets not get distracted, I need to get us back to the portal or we all gonna die to a mild case of planet obliteration
> Not to mention the multiple threats amongst us now
> Problem is, I’m lost.
> Run around some more
> Come across a Necron facing a chaplain
> That Necron looks oddly fancy
> That chaplain also looks fancy
> The duel of the fancy men, everybody
> Hang on, is that the Overlord?
> Probably!
> Might as well do our jobs before leaving
> Charrrge.soulstone
> Also, we could use some air superiority right now. Everyone thinks Hugiv’safuk has great flyers, but they could’ve fooled me.
> I bet Da’ve from the path of accounting is behind this bureaucratic fuckfest, motherfucker.
> "an admirable attempt good sir."
> I laugh in good jest.
> I lunge forward, cane extended forward, the bottom tip now revealed to end in a sharpened point.
>Hold up a hand, then points towards the interfering Eldar.
>Ask if we could postpone this until we manage to get all interfering parties away first.
> sniff in disgust.
> "Eldar, for such an ancient race, you would believe they would have learned proper manners, yet they galavant around like unruly children. Come then good sir, let us clear out these ruffians."
> draws an elegantly engraved bolt pistol etched in various golds and silvers in elegant scenes depicting various actions of the same sororitas, etched into the side is the word "Victoria"
> he raises up the pistol elegantly and fires a bolt round through one of the eldar's heads.
> “Something I can agree with.”
>Coordinate fire on the intruders, getting into melee range to lop some knife ear heads.
>My job is becoming good again.

> Process the snide words of the Space Marine
> In a millisecond, come up with a devastating comeback that will surely show him the superiority of my ancient and curated wit.
> An Asuryani’s head detonates next to me
> Idon’tevencare.KhainesDick
> Dash towards the Necron
> Prepare to cleave this fiend in two
> “Clang”
> Oh right, I’m physically very weak
> Get punted
> This was a mistake.
> grab the Eldar by the back of his head as he goes flying through the air after quite an impressive kicked.
> stare down at the eldar being grasped in his hand.
> "so uncivilized, yet you call us the animals, how rude.... allow me to teach you a lesson in humility xeno."
> I drop the eldar, and proceed to slam the blunted top of my cane directly into his crotch, I can hear two pops from hear and feel the wraithbone, as well as something else, give way and shatter.
> "it would not do for someone as mentally stunted as you to breed, whoever birthed you.... should have extracted you with a coathanger instead."
>ground bursts open
>finally I've arrived with my pack
Crawl out of the dirt, holy shit there is so much more skin!
>I have led the pack to salvation, now to help the overlord.
>flayed one brethren start popping up, shredding eldar to peices.
>hope they leave some for me.
Bump for good stories
>be me
>dark eldar
>unrepentant coward
>would never fight something dangerous to my existence
>survive just by hiding
>got too high on heroin
>fell asleep under some scrap
>wake up
>it's even worse than before
>cowering under scrap

>giggles at that faggy craftworlder having his balls smashed
>flayer.soi rises up from below me
>throws scrap up and runs
>hope everyone is too preoccupied to shoot at my pale ass

>need to cut a deal to not die
>after I get behind someone will do that
Bump for more greentext
>this meat is even faster
>damn organics and their chemicals
>why did I have to get the only elf that's hopped up
>maybe if I ask him to slow down.
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> Soulstones shattered
> Being very harshly insulted by this Mon-Keigh
> This is not a good day
> Space Marine prepares to deliver the killing blow
> Welp, my only mistake was trying to be competent
> Suddenly, He is blasted off of me!
> It’s the fliers! Thank Isha, they’ve finally arrived!
> The Nightshade Interceptors are here to ruin your day with pin-point fire of death, motherfuckers!
> The enemy is suddenly routing
> (Oh Khaine my dick hurts so much.)
> (I need to get it healed very soon)

> Wait, If the flyers are here the craftworld isn’t far behind, I need to get out of here!
> And is that a Drukhari over there?
>Meanwhile, on craftworld
>Tzeentchy assault
>A nice thing about craftworlds is that they are very hard to defend once an invader actually boards
>Why would you have titans in a space they have no room to maneuver?
>I cast some shimmering rainbow colored flames towards the hastily gathered guardians as horrors of tzeentch pop into reality and a hail of inferno bolt shells fly from the enchanted guns of the rubricae.
>Being a sorcerer is neat
>dark eldar ignores the flayed one
>seriously is DISGUSTING
>like a damn skyboard

>ha that eldar with shattered balls is looking at me
>fuck flyers
>craftworld eldar won't treat with me
>but probably more than the space marines and flayed ones
>picks up aeldari
>hopped up on drugs can do this relatively easily
>one thing can be sure about drukhari
>they will do anything to keep their hide unskinned
>even if the aeldari doesn't need help
>Caoimhe is going to use them as a chip to live
>it would seem it has no intention of getting any closer.
>did that thing just put dust in its nose.
>wow look at him run towards the battle, what a brave meat.
>it seems he is dragging another slightly broken elf. Its shattered pelvis will look nice around my neck.
>initiate TacticalPackShuffles.SoiSoiSoi
>initiate cowardice.exe
>the only way to live will be someone else
>just getting off this battlefield will not be enough


> Am being carried bridal-style
> This got weird quick
> Am not to happy about being in contact with this dope fiend
> Where are these guys coming from
> Is it a guy? I can’t tell with the mask on
> But they do have a point, we Aeldari got’s ta stick together in this time of crisis
> I command the lads to make a tactical retreat
> We gotta get to that portal, and fast

> Also, I’m very concerned about how that Necron is looking at my midsection. Lets go quickly.
>why does everything move faster than me and my kin?
>the pelvis is escaping.
>maybe we can cut them off if we dig?
>all of these weird projectiles would stop making those holes in my skin too.
>welp, guess its settled.
>time to dig into a new reality. We can just meet them at that giant bone they seem to be headed toward.
>be me
>Orkquisitor Wozzgab
>Aboard me Battalkrooza Empraz' Gitfinda
>The warp gubbinz start flashing
>Some Deffwatch boyz need help wif a scrap
>For Da Empra boyz!
>Hit the biggah red button
>Mekpriest Skoddy shoutin somefin about giffing it all she's got
>Dat git thinks da krooza is a lady
>He's right good in a scrap though
>Arrive in da system
>Spikey boyz and panzies is already ere
>Time ta krump sum heretiks
>Press da big red button
>Ere we go! For da Emprah!
>this dopefiend has breats pressed against your face so probably a female
>also it is dizzying how fast space elves can move
>on a mixture of crack/meth
>it is like they are a fucking small vehicle
"Where we going faggo? That portal thing? Seems like a plan!"
>quite a bit faster than a rough rider's horse
>luckily this is just another form of pain=pleasure for the edgy fuck
>better than being dead

"Are we going into the portal!? Awesome!"
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> Be me, Bruce Slap-Dasha, da mightiest Ork Pirate in da whole sector
> No. Da whole Segmentum
> No. Da whole Galaxy!
> We’z on our way to Ghazghkull’s Waaagh!
> We’z gonna show dem humies a thing or two!
> Da Boys exited to fight something that ain’t Demonz, lot of those in the spooky galaxy choppin’ warpy rift
> So we’z on our way to da waagh when suddenly-
> Wot.Gork
> “Boss!”
> Wot.Mork
> Deres a El-darr ship pokin a hole in da middle of da ship!
> Don’t be a grot- deres no eldarr ship big enuf-
> Dere is a ship bigger dan a hulk out the window, but all fancy and Eldarry.
> “Boss! Dats da Kraftworld hu-”
> “Thats It Boss!”
>enemy reportedly moving at ludicrous speed.
>Overlord has dusted us off for the first time.
>finally released upon the surface world to wreak some shit.
>target spotted, little elder carrying another.
>the flayed one keeps screaming in my ear about stopping the lunch before it leaves.
>fuck that guy I know how to lead my squad, it's not like this is my first mission.
>okay catching up now.
>almost in Tesla range.
>what the hell is that screaming I hear in the sky.
>Be me
>Orkquisitor Wozzgab
>Krooza movin at ramming speed towards da panzie ship
>A rouge trada ship appears and smashes into da craftyworld
>Entire craftworld rocks as an oak vessel impacts it to a chorus of explosions
>Ah, just as-
>Y'know, actually, it wasn't planned to be honest.
>Many times it is impossible to plan for Orks because they're all insane fungus creatures fueled by crowd mentality and fighting
>Still, being overrun by Orks only helps the effort to cripple the craft world
>I make sure to lead the forces of Tzeentch towards the opposite side of the ship from the Orks however
>No need to fight my unwitting pawns
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>be me
>be Archmagos Dominus of Stygies VIII
>Roll up to a planet I was told was a frontier world to restock for the Quest ahead
>Shit's fucked. No, it's completely fucked. I mean, I can't even tell what's going on and the Auspex can't make sense of it
>There are Thousand Sons, a Craftworld, Necrons, and some Orks(?)
>Realize this shit is probably pretty heretical
>Remember I'm from Stygies VIII and I'm literally untouchable. I can fondle with xenotech and nobody short of the Highlords can do fuckall about it
>Remember I have an Ark Mechanicus with battlegroup support

Alright, who started what, and who do I shoot?
>be Brother Ephraim, the most confused marine in the entire deathwatch
>after long back-and-forth with my Watch Captain be informed that there will not be any large-scale reinforcements
>he thinks that if there's so many templars around it'll sort itself out
>solving a problem that requires more than murdering everything
>Where the fuck did the squad of Sisters I was supporting go
>they better not be with Einarr
>come to think of it, where the fuck is the rest of my Kill Team?
>Matteus just kinda went poof after the clusterfuck in the crater
>Einarr was last seen chopping Crons in the crater, I kinda wish he would have died there but I know better
>the Sisters who were also rushing to defend the capital seem to have disappeared while I was setting up Interstellar comms
>damnit I'm here to ogle busty white haired bitches and purge the enemies of the emperor
>and I'm all outta bitches
>Be me
>Orkquisitor Wozzgab
>Preparin to burn da panzie xenos
>Cogboyz kroozas arrives to da Waagh
>Dese boyz gotz da roight idea paintin dere ships red to get to da fight fasta.
>Lots of ded killy kroozas here
>Get on da Vox
>"Oy you lot I iz Inquisitor Wozzgab. Todayz weze gunna krump herefiks and xenos. For da Emprah!"

>Be Sister Superior Gwellian
>Quietly following the lead of Primarch Brother Ephraim and the other sisters, staying quiet despite the fact I'm technically in charge
>Also because my boob-plate has suddenly become rather uncomfortable.
>Almost as if my breasts are growing large-
>My breasts indeed MUCH bigger now.
>Not nearly as big as that top-heavy newbie Mallory, but they are definitely noticeable
>Look around, hoping the others don't notice
>They don't, thank the Emperor (I guess)
>Too busy watching the constant clusterfuck between Necrons, Black Templar, Chaos, Catachans, other Battlesisters, and Aeldari...
>Feel a sudden urge to track down and eat the knife-eared pricks
>In more ways than one
>Spot a Dark Eldar carrying an Eldar leader back toward the webway gate
>Licks lips without thinking and charges after, flamer ready to go
>Actually, who needs the flamer? I could probably take these flimsy so-called males with my bare hands!
>Pray to the God-Emperor that I don't do something that will end up getting me strapped to a Penitent Engine as punishment.

>>62661653 OP Here. I'm more inclined to Tiddius Majoris as a name myself.
>Get hailed by Orks, expected them to threaten us with some inane bullshit
>They... Ask us to help they slay the enemies of the Omnissiah
>Look at my advisors, they shrug
>I shrug back
>Fuck it
>Tell them that "Our most blessed machines are ready to annihilate the Omnissiah's enemies, blessed be his name."
>This is going to be an interesting Wednesday
I'm kind of tempted to roll my beefy Ordo Malleus lady up at see how she reacts to a SoB with expanding tits.
>step around corner of dirty cobblestone alley into small plaza
>see a bunch of knife-ears running around frantically
>what are they doing
>raise my bolt rifle to dome the one closest to, emperormakemyaimtrue.prayer
>suddenly Sister Gwellian charges out from behind
>turn around
>the Sister squad is behind me again
>where they there all along? Thronedamnit someone recalibrate my armors auto-senses
>wait what is she doing
>is she charging a howling banshee
>not even a melee weapon drawn
>this is new, even for the zealotry of some Sisters
>charge at the same enemy, use my superhuman speed to try and catch up
>how the fuck is she so fast, she's a petite human woman and she's casually outrunning an 8'something transhuman giant in power armor
>I'm kind of tempted to roll my beefy Ordo Malleus lady up at see how she reacts to a SoB with expanding tits.
Do it.
Bump limit nearing capacity, Op I hope you've got a second thread ready
Agreed, fucking do it, the more active players with characters partaking in the actual action rather than shitposting "in orbit" the better
Seconded. Let this thread die so I can archive it, and we can keep this clusterfuck going with a new thread.
>Be me
>Khorne the Blood God
>Slaanesh is here
>She's messing with my mortals
>I'd send a Bloodthirster to go kill her chosen plaything but that useless pansy Bloodgore is already there
>Where did that big titted Sororitas go?
>She seemed angry enough to work as a a champion.
Agreed, but maybe we should move to /qst/ so faggots will stop complaining. I'm personally fine with staying on /tg/ but I don't want another raiding shitposter spamming mlp cringe because no fun allowed
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>>62665368 >>62665396

Fuck it. Attached some art because I'm a shit.

>Be an Inquisitor of the Ordo Malleus
>I'm duelling a Lord of Change alongside some Exorcists
>He's a tough motherfucker -- keeps flitting out of the way of my attacks
>I pour everything I have psychically into binding him in place, and strain my terminator armor to allow me to slam my daemonhammer into his stupid birdface
>He lets out the most vile screech you've ever heard, and cackles like a little bitch
>Unleashes a warp rift in his death throes that swallows me up. FFS.
>I survive, and it spits me out on some barren backwater that doesn't matter.
>The first thing I see is a SoB with tits the size of my head charging some Eldar
I hate my job.
How fast does stuff move on /qst/?
It'll be fine here on /tg/. Just ignore the trolls.
On a side note: we going with Tiddius Majoris for the planet name, or Mammaron Maximus?
nah, this doesn't fit in quests cause the story is controlled by op
As long as there's a link to the new thread posted here, I don't really care what board we put it on.
Thread will stay up for a week without bumps on /qst/ due to the fact that they don't get created too fast
>for a week without bumps on /qst/
>Well shit that's probably a good idea then
And that's the bump limit. I'm archiving this now, somebody post a link to the new thread. This is going on sup/tg/
Do it. My Inquisitor needs to follow this. I also forgot to change my name like a stupid fuck

How bout's something exiting to end the thread

> Am still being carried by CocanKhari
> The lads a making a break for the portal, but we've still got a way to go
> Oh shit, A large breasted sister is here
> I can spy the taint of the warp on her
> Gross.seer
> About to take pot-shot when...
> Oh fuck
> Look Up, its the fucking craftworld
> Its got a chaos ship, a rouge trade ship attached to it.
> A Mechanicus ship hovering nearby
> Its dissected an Ork ship
> Thats it
> We're Boned
And done.
Vote it up, Somebody link the new thread, we're already on page three.
Op's working on it
New thread is up. Title is 'Battle of Tiddius Majoris'. >>62665559
I think this crazy train can go on as long as things don't get stale
Hell yes, everyone through the portal!

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