Old thread>>61779349If this thread dies early don't blame me.
>>61796293 #>Be guardsman >Cowering in trench trying to eject power pack >Look up, piss pants at the sight of raw violence wrapped in ham and brass >Did step one of "How to gain the attention of a daemon" >About to discover the rest of the manual >Not enthusiastic about what my future holds >Fucking Marine Malevolent out of nowhere >I'm going to live >Cheer that transhuman bastard on as he staves its head in with a hammer >He turns to me, gore frying to a crisp on the hammer >"Why didn't you help me? You know what, fuck it" >Hammer sw--
>>61796538>be me>be Captain Faya>notice that while my Devastators are holding out the tide of Necronfags my assault troops are butchering demons, orks, eldar and some guardsman>what a waste>Guardsman casualties are for devastators and artillery>easier to pin the blame on accidents and crossfire>shit>filing the reports is going to be a long fucking task>my feet hurt>i wanna go back to my battle barge>battle barge is destroyed>Chapter Master ain't going to be happy about that
>be necron warrior>shooting poorly>missing an arm, must have fell off from getting shot in elbow joint>look around at ground>see robot mechanical creature that is also missing an arm running off with my arm>start chasing it, firing gauss flayer in that general direction
Any idea's on what to name this thread?
>>61796748Eternal Clusterfuckery: Liesand Myths of Peace.
>>61796748Peace in Pieces
>Be Redneck Guardsman>Drunk as fuck, wandering through the battlefield>See a chick with a nice ass, give it a hearty slap>Turns out it was a Deldar wych>Oh well, I fear nothing!>Well... except for running out of beer. That's terrifying.>Shoot anything that is clearly unfriendly, until I see an out-of-place blur>Is... is that a Genestealer?>Why is it wearing pants on its head?>Where did my pants go?
>>61796748The Battle of Valentine?
>>61796857That sounds good
>>61796748Dawn of Peace
>>61796688>be me armentho>repeating as crazy ''broken arrow'' fire support with high risk of cross fire and friendly fire>the kriegs are using the FTL prototype to rally the survivors and lead a counter attack>i must protect the STC and find a way to evac this dammed planet>>61796748i like the orginal name ''what is peace?''
>Be Tzeentch>Start constructing a portal to the planet of degeneracy>Making sure that this one wont explode>Can feel the warp fighting against it>Put on heavy duty ear muffs so that I don't hear those Daemonettes giggling and my daemons freaking out over stupid shit>Like take a bath you wimps it'll wash out>That smell is revoulting>Can feel the warp already trying to fuck this portal up>Oh no you don't>Apply sorcery to hold this area still>This is taking a lot more power than it should be taking, I bet fucking Slaanesh is trying to mess my stuff up>Continue to concentrate on the portal creation
Bump of life
>>61797510bump of love
>>61797209>Be Warp>Birdo is trying to open one of my many assholes that shift in and out of reality>YouWotMate.eldritchAbomination>Clench asshole as hard as I can
>>61797564>Be Tzeench>Warp is fighting back against my sorcery>Thisisrediculouse.magic>Apply more strength to get it open>Still wants to stay closed>I'm not going to be denied by the part of warp inside of my own territory dammit!
>>61797730>Be Warp>Bird succeeds in opening my asshole>Feel more violated than when lady boi mcfucksalot was born>Want to go into corner and cry but can't because the corner has twenty billion sides to it
>>61797564>>61797730>be Slaanesh>laugh my ass off at Tzeentch fisting Warp trying to gape it open>be making sexual innuendo jokes the whole time
>>61797826>>61797815>>61797730>be me armentho>sudenly feel some one is being raped somewhere>lulwot.emperor>continue hiding and crawling behind cato sicarius
>>61796478Pee-east?What is pee-east?
PsstToaster Thursdays have been moved to tomorrow.You didn't hear it from me
>>61797826>Be Tzeentch>Feel Slaanesh making an innuendo>. . .>Realize what I'm doing looks so wrong>Shudder as the thought lingers>Want to stop but can't close it till I get some forces on the plannet>Call for the Lord's of Change to get over here along with several other daemons and followers
>>61797892Ok, thank you for telling me.
>>61797903>Be Warp>When bird asshat is done I'm going to push his shit in>With the fury of a thousand hypernova made of anti matter in the materium
>>61797892Thank the Omnissiah's golden throne, I can't wait to fuck those toasters
>>61797892ppstttnew STC on this shithole
>>61797903>be Slaanesh>laugh uncontrollably as the birdie boi calls upon his LoC's>make jokes about triple-muhltiple, simuln-tehneous and devashtehting deep penetrations>offer advices on how to ease the penetration by lubing it up with certain frequency
>Be Lord of Change>Escorting Lady of Change out of Daemonette croud>Robe gets covered in glittery warp stuff that smells awful>Stuff sticks to my hands, making them look like shitty designer gloves>Tzeentch calls for both of us as well as a few more daemons and worshipers>Must have finally gotten that portal open
>>61798034>Be Tzeentch>Slaanesh won't stop making making shitty jokes and sexual innuendos>Heavysigh.why>Lord's of Change finnaly arrive along wi->No wait>One Lord of Change and one Lady of Change>Okay?>Whatever they're here, and so are the group of daemons and worshipers>Start sending them through>Finnaly close the portal after the last one gets through before something happens>Finnaly, I can make some damn progress with my plans for the planet
>>61798280>chaos portal open at the slaneesh vs khorne part of the battlefield>tzench demons>fuckity fuckita fuck
>be Captain Faya>Chaos portal opens shitting out even more demons>shit.>look at Watch Captain and ask him what the fuck are we supposed to do now?>should probably call for Ordo Malleus
>>61798350>Be Inquisitor >Get call from planet Valentine>Chaos spotted>Cream my pants immediately>Haven't done exterminatus in months>Fuck yeah
>>61798375Whoops. . .
>>61798328>Be Redneck Guardsman>Holy shit, it IS a Genestealer!>Ignore the crisp breeze and lecherous stares from the DEldar wyches and call one of the Commissars>Gotta let them know about this, who knows when they'll start stealing underwear!>In the meantime, go huntin' for the jean-stealer>Iwantmyfuckingpantsback.chilly
>>61796478I'm surprised barneyfag hasn't turned up yet
>>61798462>Be Lord of change>Got through the portal but we're in the middle of a heated battle>ThanksWarp.chaos>Lady of Change is looking at me weird>Also something feels off about my robes>Can't focus on it cause we're getting charged by some Blood letters>Fuck>Announce we will advance to a more defendable position and for everyone to start casting sorcery at the Bloodletters
>>61798557>Musclegirl Blood LettersLET THE HANDHOLDING BEGIN!
>Be Tzeentch>Feel like I missed something important>Remember the warp is being a bitch and full Slaanesh taint>Look at army I just sent>They all have tits>Whoops>Actually, n-never mind it's not serious, just some change in appearance nothing serious>Probably. .>Go back into planning to work on more plans and clear mind of Slaanesh's stupid innuendos
>>61798254So, god of nerds has tits now?
>>61798680>Be Warp>Be pissed>Send an orgy of daemonette, a chunk of nurgles garden, and scarbrand into tzeentchs crystal library
>be farseer>wake up>Think I got knocked out, my head is throbbing in pain>Itsnotagoodpain.ow>Go to rub my head>Hand is red and spikey>Wut>can feel the warp flowing through my body>At first feel unbelievably fuck ass mad>Fucking shit I've been full on corrupted by this Khorne daemon>UNFATHOMABLE urge to kill >Especially daemonettes... daemonettes... Slaanesh>My soul belongs to Khorne>Not Slaanesh>Realise I cucked a chaos god>All of my anger converts to joy >"....HA! SUCK IT, YOU BIG PINK SLUT!">Wait aren't Khorne daemons supposed to be murderous and blood hungry?>Nah, I could just use a coffee>Feelsfuckassmadbutgoodman.warp
>Be Slaanesh>Want husbando to hold hands with and not just cheap lays>Will turn husbando into a daemon prince so I can have them for all time>Or princess>As long as I am either penetrating or being penetrated by the one I love>I'm not picky
>Be Ork warphead>Get head ache>Not a 'ead pop>Hear voice>"Sing and the WAAAAAGH will be better">Sounds legit>Clear throathttps://youtu.be/UMsqjXv9aJk>Everyone stops fighting and looks>Voice in head lied>Open mouth to vomit WAAAAAGH>Singing comes out instead>Oh zog>Everyone starts clapping
>>61798752>Be Tzeentch>Hear something going down in my Library>Oh fuck no>Enter Library>See Daemonettes getting fluids on my books, Scarbrand destroying my shelfs, and moldy garden eating my books>"WHAT THE FUCK!">Proceed to flip my shit while flinging very destructive blue fire at their general direction>Birdreeee.caw
>>61798854Oh shit, I just learned something new
>>61798829Are you really going to take this sitting down?! TAKE THAT TRANNY BITCHES LOVER!!!
the remants of eldars and tau are regrouping with their imperials allies at the improvised fortifications,the krieg artillery has begun to shoot a rain of death over the demons and orkzoutside this improvised forts,they battle still rages,as the tzench army have arrived through a warp portalkhorne and slaneesh spawns are fighting each otherthe DEldar are regrouping at the city at the southa ork ship has crash and a airfight is happening around the area between imperial and orkzseveral coalition units still on the battlefield without leading-imperials:black-eldar:white-tau:light blue-DEldar:grey-tzench:dark blue-khorne:red-slaneesh:purple
>>61798950Apparently yes. Like a little bitch.
>>61798764>Be Lord of Change>Notice Bloodletters aren't trying to kill us>Whatisthis.Tzeentch>They're just hand holding, but the worshipers and daemons hand holding are screaming in pain>Look at them some more>Realize the Bloodletters are hand holding so hard it's breaking the hands of the other person>Now that's just lewd on a whole new level>Look to my right and see a Waaagh of Orks>Oh fuck>Redirect Sorcery at the nearby Orks
>>61798829Steal the mortal for yourself, see how that slut Slaanesh likes it when she gets cucked
>>61798789>>61798829>>61798950>>61799209>Still fuck ass mad>Pretty sure I'm associating anger with joy because fuck I feel good>Can hear there's turmoil in the realm of chaos>Another chance to screw the dark prince harder?>Sign me the fuck up>Use warp powers to put myself on the battlefield>Ohmeohmysuchcarnage.war>Proceed to start finding as many Slaanesh daemonettes as possible and proceed to rip and tear>The angrier I get the more joy I feel>Curse the Prince's name while gathering blood for the blood god>Don't even need to kill mon'keigh there's plenty of daemons to purge>Wait forgot coffee>FUCKING DAMNIT HAHAHAH THIS IS GREAT!
>>61798831>Be Warp>Feel better>Tzeentchs portal hurts my asshole less now>I'll give him a break>For now
>be me armentho at krieg fortifications,trying to contact with the captain of the battleship fighting orkz>''hey ,are you there?,be carefull with your guns,at least shoot don the malevolents!!''
>be Commissar>riding in the command Vanquisher>GUARDSMANCALLSFORAID.SENDHELP>position regiment on a reverse slope>order Colonel's Vanquisher and a couple of Exterminators forward to observe>hey, there's still a few Guardsmen left>tap on the shoulder>Shadowseer points at a bunch of daemonettes>there's a red one slaughtering a bunch of the purplish ones whose tits are always out, because Chaos or something>"Shall I load the beast hunter shells, Commissar?">"No, Colonel. Whatever that is, I want no part of it.">"Very good, Commissar.">wave the surviving guardsmen over>shut up and get in the wave serpent>roll backwards over hill and fuck off>nope.guard/fuck_that
is this thread dead?
>>61798350>be watch captain>see even more daemons showing>captain of the Marines Malevolent ask what the fuck should we do now>"Um... we could summon summon the Ordo Malleus to aid us but...">imagines a battleforce of Grey Knights showing up>they efficiently manage to kill all the daemons>... then they turn their attention to all the guardsmen>know that if they try to stop them might be killed or labeled Excommunicate Traitoris>can they do that to Deathwatch? Unsure>still doesn't want to help sign the death warrant of a million+ souls>"Let's just hold out for awhile longer and see what happens.">>61798381>who knows, maybe a well rounded inquistor will show up to help and not kill everyone>surely they wouldn't declare exterminatus on a world where there are still inquisitorial forces down here right?>Right?!>...>FUCKIN' RIGHT??!!?!work now. will reply if I can
>>61800523>be Captain Faya>be okay with the prospect of Grey Knights exterminating Guardsman>be okay with getting my memory wiped out because i want to forget about losing a battle barge
>>61800523btw are you even the same anon that posted Watch Captain posts? Because usually Watch Captain posts are accompanied with a pict
>>61800836I am. On my phone though and didn't really bother to search it or web for pics.
>be khorne-corrupted farseer>purging the shit out of Daemonettes>Fucking rage is so good>Firing warp bolts out for good measure>Necrons show up, they get zapped>Orks show up, rip and tear>Gene stealers show uWAIT WHAT>tfw they're responsible for craftworld dying months ago>Cannot contain this rage any longer>Full on start to set the battlefield on fire>Still not killing guardsmen>This is fucking infuriating but I'm smiling and laughing like a madwoman>Fuck you Slaanesh, you will never get this soul>Pretty sure I'm now just converting all my rage into a fueling fire off glee that I'm cucking him this hard>Blood everywhere, it's gross and fun>Realise I need coffee>So angry I have a wide on now
>be Commissar>sounds from over the ridge are even louder now>pretty sure one of them is screaming for coffee, in actual Gothic>the sensible Commissar in me wants to order a tactical withdraw-the-fuck-outta-here>Shadowseer reminds me that the sensible Commissar in me just doesn't understand my art>order the nearest airbase to fill a 500 pound drop tank and drop it in the middle of the daemonette fight>fuck, if it means killing Slaaneshi bitches I'd fly the damn thing myself>order the HQ section to the top of the ridge to observe either the smartest thing I've ever done or the last
>>61801411>Coffee airdropHey, caffeine addiction is serious business.
>>61800523>be Captain Fren Lee Faya>ask Watch Captain to use his Librarian to contact with my Chapter and request aid>be firing Cyclone Missile Launcher for extra collateral damage>voxcast to my Librarian to attempt to contact with Chapter and request aid >hope that 2 Librarians giving the same message to psykers of other companies will overload their brains and kill them.
>>61801411>>61801495>>61801617>Raging like it's no one's business>Caked in red >Thisisthegreatesthigh.jojoreference>Hear something from above>Look up to see a care package drop into the battlefield>Hey I recognize that smell>Holy shit freash beans>simmer down>Full of rage, but can contain it>Damn, now I just feel happy about that>Realisation: still in the middle of a battlefield>Can't actually brew this>Anger joy brews up again>Only enough to squish a daemon or two, calm my tits again afterwards>Pick up my new stash>Remember that the nearest boiling water is at the IG base>Fuckit.warp>Bring sack in tow>Hope they won't BLAM a daemon on sight if I come in peacefully>Blood rage on hold, time to have a relaxing brew>Actually smiling for reasons other than being absolutely livid
>be Commissar>hear the sound of an approaching Valkyrie>drops a tank onto the battlefield>here we go boyos...>full of beans>the numpties back at base put ALL our coffee beans into a drop tank and dropped it on a Khornette>mistakes have been made>frantic call from base, the Khornette warped there and is brewing coffee>tell them not to engage, we're on our way back>this was not the plan at all>pop off a few heavy mortar rounds and order a fighting withdrawal>why the fuck wouldn't you BREW the coffee first>literally who does that
>>61801550>be watch captain>Captain F asks me to use our Librarian to contact his chapter for aid>would rather gargle with warp fire but yeahsurewhatever>vox our Librarian aboard strike cruiser to send a message through the warp to the Marines Malevolent>asks me why I would order something so controversial yet so brave>tell him to shut up and just do it >shouldn't have much trouble. His chapter is known for having powerful psykers>wait until he's sent the message>librarian voxes me back saying he sent it but his only response back was a loud scream and popping noise>lolwut>that can't be good>for the Marines Malevolent>Eh not my problem
>>61802124>Back at mon'keigh base>There's panic on the streets>Understandable, I did just warp in with a tank full of beans>Ignore the screams of terror as I enter my quarters from before possession>Yeeeeees, coffee machine still there>Start some brewing in peace and quiet>Hear the endless call of violence in my head tell me to get going>Notnowdad.jpg>Enjoy some downtime before my next purging spree>Hear a commisar is on her way>Excellent, we can negotiate which half of the battlefield I get to burn>Sip>Fuck that's some good shit
>>61802450>be interrogator of the inquisitor in charge of this whole situation>just got shoved to the ground by a Khorramshahr corrupted farseer>be knocked out for a while>wake up>remember what happend>realize I’m probally gonna have to kill the farseer>sigh>take a ship heading straight to the imperial guardsman base on the surface
>>61802450>be Commissar>fuck please let the base still be there>it is>good start>merciful God-Emperor it's in one of the barracks>order the Colonel to have her tanks zero in on the barracks>if they start hearing little bitch screams over the Vox they're to open fire>deep breath>the Khornette is calmly sipping coffee>sipping MY coffee>I am gonna blam the FUCK out of whoever did this>apparently the Khornette was expecting the other Commissar, confused that I'm not a woman>the Shadowseer can't stop laughing>Emprah on his throne don't tell me there's another woman on this planet with zero respect for me and who's too powerful for me to just shoot them>she wants to know which half of the battlefield she can have>without thinking, insinuate that I'm surprised a Khornate would be satisfied with HALF a battlefield worth of greenskins, robo-zombies, and Slaaneshis>mouth, this is my foot, I think you may have met before
>>61802226>be Librarian Aksum Dent al Quill of the Marines Malevolent 4th Company>get a voxcast on Maximum volume deafening me>must be my Captain>fuck.it>turn off vox channel>hear his scream anyway from 200 meters away yelling to contact with the Chapter>lulwhat.vox>are we really that fucked that HE of all the people would request aid from those cunts>sure whatever>establish contact with the Librarian of the 3rd Company>the only thing i get back is a loud scream and a poping sound>notthisshitagain.perilsofthewarp>establish another contact with 2nd Company>cunts laughing back at me>tell me that they'll send some help
>>61803144>be Captain Faya>get a confirmation from the Librarian Quill>laugh my ass off>that will teach those cunts from 3rd Company >okay it was funny the first time when my Librarian's head popped but it wasn't funny the second time around>seriously this is my last Librarian>if he dies the Chief Librarian will make a servitor out of me
>>61802921>>61802551>Meet commisar>See he's obviously confused and livid>Probably for different reasons>Whatever, finally got to have a break>Explain my desire>I think his brain lost a fuse or two>Ok this is getting a tad frustrating>Frustration gives me the big smile>Pretty sure that spooked him>Say as long as I'm destroying something I won't need to murder any mon'keigh>As this happens I hear imperial ships landing>Aw fuck forgot about the interrogator>Thank commisar for the coffee, it's a good brew, ready to warp to whatever part of the battlefield I see fit, gotta chat with this person>Oh and Emperor is still cool in my books>Rage not satisfied yet, but coffee fix is>Feels good
>>61803233>be interrogator>walk into Barracks >see the farseer>immediately chase after with the intent to tackle and restrain her so I can finally remove the daemon>she tries to warp away>”fuck no you don’t”>follow her through the warp portal>no idea where we are now
>>61798381>Be Inquisitor>Almost to planet Valentine>Have cyclone torpedo armed>Should I give them time to leave the planet before I nuke it to the warp and back?>...>Nah!!
>>61803233>Khornate daemonette seems more frustrated, less murdery than anticipated>declares her intention to go out and destroy things>won't kill any "mon'keigh" while she's at it>exchange a confused glance with Shadowseer, that's... an Eldar word for humans, right?>and how did she know where to find the Farseer's coffee maker?>suddenly thanks me for the coffee and poofs out of reality>don't think she ever realized I had all the artillery in this sector zeroed in on the building the whole time>actually, when she can do that what was the point in the first place>order the Colonel to stand down>I have so many questions>and the Shadowseer's gone back to booping my nose>well that's a thing again
I am looking for a PDF of all the Fireball forwards and expansions. Ideas? I can only find the main book.
>>61803487>>61803287>Warp back onto a battlefield>So many tzeench things now>Wat>As well as durkari, Slaanesh bitches and orks>This amount of purging will please my bloodlust>Let the warp in a little bit>HOLY COMERAGH I AM MAD AS A BIKE HAHAHAHA>Start cheering as I ready my slaughter>Pretty sure I feel something try to tackle me>WHO IN THE HIGH NAME OF TERA DECIDED TO TRY AND STOP oh it's the Interrogator>Smile, half of rage, half of flattery>Pleased he decided to join me in daemon purging>Although he really should let go before he gets shot at or I have a violent twitch in the wrong direction>No matter, spray caffeine fueled warp bolts everywhere but him>Oh and try to miss the other khornate Daemon...ettes...>DAMN YOU DARK PRINCE>ANGER LAUGHING REACHING MAXIMUM LEVELS
>>61803669>WHO IN THE HIGH NAME OF TERAThis eldar is weird, but I approve.
>>61803669>be interrogator>still hyper focused on removing the khnorne daemon but quickly realises there are drukhari slaneshi bitches and irks everywhere>”priorities interrogator priorities” he whispered to himself>joins the khorne elder farseer in daemon purging
>>61803863>>61803669> takes force sword out and starts slaughtering orks in one hand> used the other hand to SMITE.jpg the slaneshi daemonettez> feels good man> still gonna have to purge the daemon from the farseer afterwards though
>>61800120Nope thread is alive
>>61803669>be Commissar>wonder why we're here>Colonel answers with some existential shit wondering about the Emperor's plan>no, I mean why are we in a Vanquisher with a space elf clown seer, charging into battle against half the known galaxy>muffled shouts in Khornate and warp lightning in the distance>should probably do something about that>this time I wanna get close enough to hit them with my chainsword>should be able to lay down multiple overlapping fire between the sponsons, hull guns, and the twin-linked autocannons>either this works, or we all die
>>61803475>>61799397>Be Tzeentch>Finnaly got Scarbrand, the Daemonettes and peices of rotten garden out of my Library>My Library is a mess>Fuckingwarp.chaos>Notice an Inquisitor trying to mess up my plans>See him preparing to nuke the entire planet>Not sure if a good thing or a bad thing>On one hand, Slaanesh won't be able to take over the planet>On the other hand, I really want this planet>. . .>Decide skrew it, and start pulling it into the warp
>>61804277>Be Emperor>Be bored>Use psychic powers>Tzeentch is trying to steal an imperial planet>FuckNo.Throne"Tzeentch, I challenge you to a game of Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth-Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker for the ownership of that planet. If I win I get the planet, if you win I have to say that you're better than me at everything. What do you say?"
>Be Lady of Tzeentch>Our army is under assault by Hand holding Bloodletters and Waaghing Ork>Lord of Change still hasn't realized he is now a she>Upper buttons of her robe look like they're going to break off>Can't stop staring>Realize I need to get back to paying attention on the Bloodletters>Get body slammed by a Bloodletter>Hand is now in a death grip>Don't know how to react to this
>>61804365>Be Tzeentch>Get challenged by the corpse good on my favorite card game>Immediatly acceptYou're on corpses God!
>>61804506>*Lady of Change
>>61804543>The match ends up taking over four hours due to each players cheap decks>It ends up a tie>Somehow
>>61804662>Um. . . Rematch?
>>61796748I know where it can go >>>/qst/
>>61804858I believe that qst is meant for quests, this doesn't fit the criteria for a qst
>be random nameless gretchin on battlefield>screaming panzee lady keeps exploding>one blast sends me flying though the air into an abandoned trench, my six-shoota flying out of my hand and smacking a humie in the head>land on something soft, on closer inspection it's a nurgling>I get up, he reinflates his body and attempts to show me a picture>it's a extremely rough stick figure and blob holding hands, smeared onto the paper in literal shit, with snot and mud around the edges>pretty good honestly, better than I could have done
>>61803863>>61803914>>61804167>Purging and slaughter everywhere>Fuck this guy's got some good psychic abilities>Not jealous, just impressed>Impressed = joy = anger at anything trying to take joy away>Protect this little mon'keigh for a bit>Blood and guts everywhere>Thispleasesmybloodthirst.warp>Though there's a few of them>Fuck it, time to level the field>Channel energies of the warp within me>There's lots of it>Focus on one area>Let it all out>SUDDENLY, EXPLOSIONS>a mix of hellfire, actual fire, lightning, gunblasts and whatever loud dangerous things spiral outwards>OHOHOH FUCK YES!>Many daemonettes incinerated, gibbed or otherwise warped to oblivion>Stand at the edge of a crater>Notsureifididthat.rage>No matter, blood lust stated>Shit, I need to sit down after that...>Think my chest hurts...
>>61803720>Be Possessed Warphead Weirdboy Madgob>Still wandering the humie ship.>Still have a Herald of Tzeentch stuck in me head>Snuck away from panzee and humie to krump blueberry girle and wandered around the ship for awhile.>Humies never notice me despite the fact I'm bigger than a beakie>HumiesAmIRight.glyph>Wander into kitchen, spot Tau girl I was trying to smash earlier>Itzkrumptime.ork>Walks up behind her and gets ready to smash her face in with my huge, thick wyrd staff>"Pardon me ma'am, might I have a moment of your time?"
>>61805297> be interrogator> Be busy smiting daemonettes and skewering orks> the Farseer seems impressed > starts going out of her way to protect me> let’s out a fucking explosion incenerating a bunch of daemonettes> fugg that’s hot> my kinda woman> release what I just thought> must remain PURE> repeat the emphah doctrine In My head
>>61802921>>61802551>>61802450>Be Khorne demon of coffee (at work so my text will be sporatic)>See that letting the Eldar run with her emotions is so much better that direct control>ELDAR!!! THIS COFFEE GIVES YOU STRENGTH!!!! IF YOU MUST SPREAD THIS COFFEE BOUNTY WITH THoSE YOU WOULD FIGHT ALONGSIDE!!!>Spread Khorne rage into the beans
Bump of role-play
Bump to keep thread alive
>>61805297>be Commissar>enemies of the Emperor dying left and right>Commissar levels currently capped at the maximum>suddenly, massive explosion>regiment halts its advance>pretty sure a daemonette bounced off the front armor of the Vanquisher INTO my chainsword>blood everywhere>thank the Emprah I'm wearing goggles, just have to wipe those off>hat's never going to be clean again though>can hear commotion inside the Vanquisher>girlslaughing.eldar.krieg/fml>armored column drives past a Khornette in a crater>it's that bitch who has all my coffee>struggle to work up the anger to shoot her in the head>fail, take off my hat and shoot it instead, give it a proper burial>order a withdrawal, I want to go back to base and wash the daemonette blood off me
>>61805414>>61805523>>61806070>Feeling excatic but also exhausted>Could definitely use another cup>Can see the interrogator is blushing>Why in the gods names is he blushing?>Must be Slaaneshi distractions getting to him>Nothing I can't handle, but he's only a mon'keigh>Suggest we warp back so he can recover, he looks like he's slowing down>Perhaps a hint of...>Realise Khorne influence is getting out of hand>We'll cross that bridge later, warp back to base again>Frustration is high, but it makes the release even better
>>61805414>>61805297>>61804167>>61796688>>61800523>>61806070>Be Ork Freeboota Kaptin Gitsmasha>watching everything play out from the bridge of my crashed Killkrooza with a Gitfinda-scope>There's a... possessed panzee going full blood for the blood god out there, slaughtering the boyz and daemons>How in Mork's teef does that even work!?!>ItDoesn'.>See more 'crons pouring out around the crater made by 'Beakiesmasha's crash landing>None of them have decided to start crawling up the hull yet, thank Mork>MegaNobz, a Big Mek and some Stormboyz are terrorizing a bunch of countless busty blueberry girlies>Realize there a few more Big Meks inside my Killkrooza, and they have a ton of Looted tech they want to release>Suddenly one of the 'hangar doors' explodes outward and a large, Death Skull built Looted Imperial Knight stomps onto the battlefield, blasting away with all its dakka at anything that moves as it "WAAAAAGH!!!!" >Lights a squigar and grins as the WAAAGH!!! REALLY gets started.>"Now we'z getting a proppa scrap..."
>>61806103> be interrogator> be somewhat lost in in a mixture of sinful lustfullness and bloodlust> quickly regain composure and Remembers his goal> gotta get that daemon out of that dem farseer> farseer warps us back to base> “ alright, we’re not leaving this damn base until we get that daemon out of you”
>>61806188> I see a shit ton of ork freebootas coming towards the guardsmen base> fughg> realise we are completely outnumbered> do the only thing I can think of to stay alive>”WAIT!”> “I GOT DAKKA!!!!”
>>61804506>Be guardsman>See daemon bird thing>With a nice pair of tits>HeresyLooksPrettyGoodRightNow.Lasgun
>be Commissar>return to base to clean up and resupply>have to just burn my coat, too daemonette-bloody to ever be clean again>shower>after showering, find my spare hat>all is right with the world>my only other coat is being dry-cleaned>offworld>well, I'm not wearing a Krieger's uniform>guess I don't get to wear a shirt for the next... three weeks?>beats wearing daemonette blood>head into the mess for recaf and a sammich>get whistles and catcalls in at least three different languages, two of them are xenos>this is definitely gonna end up on the extranet>whatever, if admiring the perfection that is the human form is heresy then we've clearly gone too far>at least I still have a hat
>>61803475>Be Inquisitor>Exist warp space>Need to take about an hour to reach the planet>Let's warn the forces on the planet why not?>Open vox transmission on all human forces that are on Valentine"I'm going to exterminatus the planet in...I dunno an hour? I'm at half mast right now and I haven't done this in a month so...get off the planet I guess?">End vox transmission>I love my job
>>61806200>Blink>For real?>Bubble up a little bit, makes me grin>FOCUS, DON'T MURDER...YET>Say to him what's the point? >Stay with Khorne and go blood hungry every now and again>Or be endlessly tortured then devoured by Slaanesh>Stick with my guns here>"Unless you know a way to free my soul from the dark prince I'm sticking with selling it to Khorne. At least he won't eat it when I die...">Feels sad again>Pour myself coffee to take mind off it>Offer him one>>61806394>Hear there's an EXTERMINATUS coming>Prettysurethatsabitfar.rage>Shake a little as I take a drink
>>61806200>Be Khorne coffee demon>Notice my caffeine fueled perfect warrior is flagging>Notice the lust from the human pet she has>Notice, that way too many demons that are NOT FUCKING KHORNE!!!!!>HUMAN!!! DO YOU SEE THIS BEAUTIFUL ART OF WAR BEFORE YOU? SHE IS FIGHTING ALONE!!!! YOUR STRENGTH IS BUT A CANDLE TO HER SUN!!!! DRINK OF THE COFFEE & JOIN HER, BEFORE SHE IS OVERWELMED!!!!!>CLASP HER HAND & REMEMBER THE RITUAL!!!>RID THIS WORLD OF ALL THESE UNWORTHY HELLSPAWN>IT WILL BE JUST YOU & HER>THE DOUBLED EDGES OF MY WRATH!!!>PURE>PURE OF THE SLAANEESHI & TZEENCH FILTH>NOW DRINK SOME FUCKING COFFEE & YELL HER SHE'S THE CUTEST FUCKING MURDERER YOUVE EVER SEEN!!!!!!!
>>61806534> takes the coffee > takes a sip > “ I though the point of the soul stones were to stay alive within them, plus I doubt slannesh will let you go that easily”> “ I can’t exorcise the daemon without your assistance”> there’s a long pause> “ if you lose control, hitch you will eventually I will have to release you from you body.”> “ And even if you do somehow escape from slannesh grapes upon your death. You will have lost all free will and become another of khornes daemons”
>>61806394>Be Tzeentch>Get back from a card game that ended in a tie>Notice that Inquisitor is preparing to blast the planet into oblivion>Thisismyplanetmortal.chaos>Start thinking up ways to not loose this planet>Decide on starting a mutiny on the ships and send some raiding party's at them
>>61806613>Be Khorne coffee demon>Interogater has drank of my unholy bean>SEE THE TURMOIL YOU PUT HER IN?!!!!>COMPLETE THE RITUAL AGAIN TO CLEAN THIS PLANET!!>IF YOU WANT TO SAVE HER SOUL JOIN HER!!!!
>>61806725>>61806546This coffee demon is a softie isn't he?
>be a now-shirtless Commissar>fucking recaf bullshit>overhear the same Khornette who's drinking MY unit's ration of coffee complaining about having to choose between Khorne and Slaanesh>fuck that Slaanesh thing, yeesh what a nightmare>but also, fuck Khorne kind of?>mention that there's always Cegorach>you know, that one the harlequins all worship>seems like a fun dude as far as gods go>realize THAT'S what the Shadowseer has been up to this whole time>start laughing like an idiot, I finally get the joke>holy shitballs I finally get the joke>Shadowseer get in the tank, I've got a role to play
>>61806239>Several of the Freebootas stop charging toward the guardsmen base and level their weapons at the humie with the fancy medal fing, pointing their assortment of looted weaponry at him>"Wot kinda dakka?">the Looted Knight keeps stomping toward the base, while several more Looted Knights started marching out onto the battlefield, crushing Necrons, marines, and guardsmen alike.
>be cogboy>Been hiding deep in the bowels of the Necron pyramid for days it seems>It's quite down here at least>So much knowledge down here>Heretical though, I won't let it tempt me>Most computer bits just need me to smack it with the Necron arm I've stolen>Skelleton hand>More like skelleton key amirite?>What's all that noise up there about anyhow?
>>61806866>ork freeboota stop and ask what kinda dakka>” all the dakka”>” hell I’ll give away the entire imperial armorey on this planet in exchange for your services”Note. This is all taking place before the same interrogator sits down to drink coffee with the farseer
>>61796478I feel like the Title to this needs to be Peace & Loathing in 40kIt hits the tone well, especially given how it started
>>61806546>>61806613>>61806725>Can hear this Khorne demon shouting from here>No idea if he can, but gather that he just drank corrupted coffee>Awfuckhesgonnaflip>Wait I flipped too>Weighing up options>Slaanesh is a shit>Tzeench isn't as bad but he's too prone to fucking up lately>Nurgle is ok but I'd rather NOT become an ACTUAL piece of shit>>61806810>Hear Cegorach mentioned>The laughing god only cares for jokes, not actual plight>Pretty sure he just finds my whole situation funny>[MUFFLED BAZINGA IN THE DISTANCE]>Khaine would have been amazing, but he's getting pounded>Isha....well yeah>And any notion of worshipping ANYTHING to do with the Necrontyr?>Blood boiling up, start grinning like a mad edjit>"KHORNE IS BASICALLY THE ONLY GOD THAT WON'T FUCK ME OVER, SO UNLESS YOU CAN GET THE WILL OF THE MAN EMPEROR TO LATCH ONTO ME I'M STICKING WITH THE BLOOD GOD. AT LEAST WE BOTH HATE THE SLUT GOD">Yup, that rage coffee is hittin' the bloodstream
>>61806935>>61806899>Be cogboy>Slap necroarm on new computer scarab/panel> ---++Initiate Main Disintegrater Ray++--->Lolwut?>Giant green bean shoots upward>The space between the freebootaz & tue humans above gets disintagrated in a flash of green light, leaving them of two ends of a vast hole>Cogboy apply some oil to forehead>Gotta keep it cool
>Be Redneck Guardsman>Blunder into base so I can find some new pants>Smell something>Smells like... coffee...>Follow the scent of deliciousness to the source>See a VERY pissed off Farseer and some rando with an =][= rosette>Damn if that Farseer ain't got as fuck, though
>>61806974> Be Interrogator Darvin> just drank corrupted coffee> immediately feel rage build up> try to keep it down, somehow able to maintain composure> FUCKING SLANNESHI SCUM> oh I get it now> can feel myself getting corrupted > pray to the ermperor of man one last to save my soul as well as the soul of all others> whispering “ My emperor please save me from my torment. I lose strength by the minute. I do not know what I must do, I feel the rage consuming me. Save my soul, save the souls of all those who have been tainted. my emperor! Ave Imperator!”
>>61807107He also has a name now because why not
>>61807107>Be Emperor>Someone being corrupted by chaos>Asks me to do something>Okay sure>Gather psychic powers>See a possessed knife eared assholes and interrogator being possessed>Start poking the daemonic possession and the daemon"Hey, get out. I'm not going to stop poking you until you leave."
>>61806310>Be Lord of Change>Rode still feels uncomfortable>Trying to get a Bloodletter off of Lady of Change>Notice some random Guardsman is looking right at her goods>Might as well corrupt him>Say some nonsense about his desires and how if he pledges his soul to Tzeentch he will fulfill his desires>That should work>Worshipers are starting to dig in build defences for incoming Orks>Can't wait for reinforcements
>>61807107>>61807225>Try to settle down, see this guy is in turmoil>I mean fuck, I like your enthusiasm, but you don't have to go full blood god too>I'm just getting a kick out of pissing Slaanesh off>As he's praying that he won't turn I feel...>Poke>What?>Poke>Who's that?>Poke>What in the gods names is that poking?!>Poke>OH MY FUCK, WHERE IS THAT COMING FROM!?>Poke>AHHHHH FUCK! THIS IS INFURIATING! BUT AT THE SAME TIME IT'S A GOOD RAGE!>Poke>STOP! WAIT DON'T STOP! NO STOP! KEEP GOING!>FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK>...>...>Poke
>>61806935>Freebootas exchange looks, thinking about all that dakka.>"Well, wez kinda 'ere ta krump da Tau, who hired us in da first place, but we can see what the Kaptin thinks."Offering the Orks the entire Imperial Armor is just guaranteed to end well, am I right? There's no way this can go badly for anyone!
>>61807107>Be Khorne coffee demon>finally Darvin is drinking the koolaid/coffee>THAT RIGHT MY BUDDY DARVY WE GONNA BANISH ALL THESE FUCKING DEMONS
>>61807455Also, I'm looking for suggestions on a name. I was thinking Java'had or something
>>61807455Your getting poked by the righteous hand of the emprah boy
>>61807404>Be Emperor>Doing this is getting more excruciating by the second>Give the daemon the tzeentch treatment>Start poking it in the face with awesome flame sword"Come on get outa there faggot"
>>61807434Nope not at all
>>61807526Which character are you
>>61807404> feels the daemon inside getting poked> the daemon now getting proded by flame sword of the EMPRAH> fuck yeah feel the wrath of the emprah
>>61807455>>61807536>>61807618>Figure out the source of the poking>Holy Tera it's the lord of Tera>I mean I'm pretty Khorny right now buuuuut...>Hope he sorts or Darvin who I just happen to know the name of now>As for Daemon in me...eh I could go either way...>As long as I keep cucking slutnesh I'm cool>Wonder if the daemon can resist the poking of the man empra tho....
>Be Tzeentch>Wisper into the minds of the crew on the Inquisitors ships>Convince a good few of them to start a mutiny>Hehehe>Mortals are so easy to persuade>Mutiny is not enough though>Start organizing raiders to stop planetary nuking>Begin preparing another portal for the raiding fleet
>>61807536>Be Emperor>Agony is too much now>Fucking stab the Daemon in the face repeatedly
>>61807455Where’d you goI miss you soIt seems it it’s been forever since you’ve been gone...
>Be Redneck Guardsman>Sober up enough to remember my name>Damn this coffee is good>Still need to find some pants, don't want to shock the cute lookin' Farseer>Dig through the Interrogators dresser for some pants to borrow>I'msurehewontmind.vox>I'll wash them before I return them
>Be bloodletter>Commander Khorne wanted more daemons to fuck up the planet>signmethefuckup.8>Go through portal>Wait, isn't he portal supposed to be red>Why am i falling from the atmosphere>Reach crispy burning point>Crash>This is worse than getting torn appart by juggernauts>Hold myself up by my sword>See someone or someones>Kinda hard to tell when one of my eyes boiled off>Scream >"I CAME HERE TO TAKE SKULLS AND CRASH THE PLANET, AND I ALREADY CRASHED INTO THE PLANET">Horn falls off>Fuck
>>61807566Khorne coffee demon, I linked to myself to show>>61807900>>61807618>>61807530>>61807404>>61807225>Be Khorne coffee demon>Just trying to get these two sexually frustrated warpcrossed lovers to tocus on killing all these Slaanishi demons>Some faggot with a sword is poking me from the Warp>OHSHITFUCKHELL ITS THE CORPSEFUCK!!!!!>THE KHORNEDAMN TYRANTZOMBIE IS POKING MY FUCKING WARPFLESH>Loose all my fucking khorneflakes>DARVY & SILVER!!!!! DRINK MORE COFFEE & HELP ME THINK!!!>IVE BEEN A NICE DEMON HAVENT I????!!!!!>I HAVENT MADE YOU KILL ANYONE YOU DIDNT WANT TO KILL!!!!!!!!>LIKE COFFEE I AM SERVED HOT! & MY HEAT SIMMERS INSTEAD OF OVERFLOWS!!!!!!!!!
>>61808219At work. Updates sporatic but enthusiastic ;)
>>61808534>>61808096EMPRAH SMITE THIS DAEMON
>feel a warpstorm brewing in my head>Pretty sure if someone doesn't come to a decision there's going to be another rift rupture>Fuck, uh>Poking is both gladly fueling my rage but worrying that it might boil over>FUCK SHIT UH...>"RIGHT, WE MAKE A DEAL, OK?! KHORNE DAEMON STAYS OUT OF THE HUMAN, I GET TO BE CAPTAIN ANGRY, MAN EMPEROR DOESN'T HAVE HIS LADS CORRUPTED, AND WE ALL ENJOY SOME MUTUAL PURGING!">Take a drink of daemon coffee to keep him satisfied>Hand Darvin a can of water >"Divine Emperor bless that water so he may be clean and my blood may boil, now who wants a mutual...">Ooof, that's the angry coffee beans>Pretty sure I felt that hit my whole body>"....'scuse me a second">Rush outside>Scream lungs out>I'm so fucking mad rn>Think I had a bit too much coffee
>>61808718>feel the raging battle inside>the farseer hands me a can of water tries to bless it> claims she’ll be the only host of the Khorrne daemon> like i’n gonna let that happen> she runs outside and screams> I run after her screaming” EMPEROR SMITE THAT DAEMON!!!”
>Be me>Redneck Guardsman extraordinaire>Smokin' hot Farseer just sprinted outside and is now screeching like a Banshee>Interrogator dude runs out after her>I wonder when he'll realize his pants were stolen?>Could have sworn I saw a blur with my old pair of pants on its head dash by>Oh well>notmyproblem.moonshine>Tighten the belt on the pair of pants I'm borrowing and follow them out>The might need backup, after all. Especially since the Interrogator guy is screaming something about daemons.
>>61808865>>61808718>>61808239>Be Khorne coffee demon, calling myself Java'had because no one else has a suggestion>Feel my influence spread to another>WILLIAM ROBERT!!!!!>HOW THE RIP & TEAR ARE YOU?>WANNA DO ME A FUCKING FAVOR?!!!>GO TAKR THIS KICK ASS BREW TO THE MOTHERFUCKING ARMY & GIVE THEM A LITTLE "PICK THEM THE FUCK UP">THEYVE BEEN IN TRENCHES FOR A LONG ASS TIME & THEY NEED SOME FUCKING JAVA TO STAY SHARP!!!!!>SHARP LIKE A SWORD!!!!!!>SWORDS ARE SHARP & RIP & FUCKING TEAR!!!!>I turn my caffinated eye to the Eldar>Look, get your pet under control & ask his attack dog of a god to let us alone>Turn to Darvy>If I leave the Eldar will you submit to me? I am bound now. If you think yourself noble wear my chains!!!! I will free her & you can pray that your God will aid you for he cares not for her!>I need a FUCKING TYLENOL!!!!!!!
>>61809100Did you just call me darvy
>>61809100>realize the daemons power is weak weakening > the daemon contact me with an offer to free the elder in exchange for mine> I accept> daemon flows into me > doesn’t realize the EMPRAH PROTECS> gets banished immediately > flys into some rando corporal
>>61809128>Java'hadI've ----been---- calling you DarvyIt's my nickname for you buddyI wanna be your buddy, buddy
>Be me>Gurdsman of the red neck'd variety>A loud, angry as fuck voice starts shouting in my head>D-did it just call me William Robert?!>Only my Mother calls me that! And that's only if I accidentally burn down the trailer! Again...>It wants me to take the coffee supply to the trenches>Gotta think about this for a moment>jeopardytheme.mp3>Fuck it, the guys could use a pick-me-up>Grab the coffee bag and drag it to a new Chimera transport>"Hey, y'all want a ride to the front lines? Makin' a coffee run!"
>>61809207No No daemons buddies for meShut up I-I don’t like l-like y-you or anything B-BAKA
>Be Tzeentch>Opening a new portal towards the Inquisitors fleet>Being careful not to fuck it up>Trying to get rid of the Slaaneshi warp stuff out of the surrounding area>Smells awful>Start making some progress while looking at the planet>Forces are doing alright, might need reinforcements later
>>61809324>Be Warp>Bird has opened another asshole>Fling a moon at him>It causes his upper half to go through the portal for a split second>Enjoy the slaaneshi corruption>Bitch
>>61809207It's not that easy DARVY, I'm in the soulstone. You gotta take it upon yourself. You have to leave her soul bare to the ravishes of that TENTACLED FUCK!!!>>61809224It's okay to be my buddy Darvy, buddy. I won't tell the emps
>>61809387^^^Sorry I fucked up tue greentext>Be java'had & all that
>>61809387I thought you left the soul stone and went into me or somethingWhen I accepted your offer
>feel unfathomable rage dwindling inside me>Body starts going back to normal>Wait no no no no >NOT AS PLANED>Anger feels like it's still there>Wait...>Yup, influence has merely retreated back to the soulstone on my chest>Feel more normal now at least>Perhaps that was just the java daemon taking it down a notch>Or he put a piece of himself in the interrogator?>I dunno, shit's confusing>Pretty sure I could still go for a necron culling though
>>61809531Does your farseer have a name
>>61809220>Be female comissar>I dunno how it fucking happened but those dark xeno bitches got me separated>I've been living off what little fauna remains and the hope that i'll get to see a bottle of amasec again>And i lost my hat, a comissar without his hat is like a soldier without a bullet wound>But at least i still have you, chainsword>Wait,are those chimera treads>I'LL FINALLY BE ABLE TO TALK TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING>EMPEROR HOLY THANK YOU>I hope that their unit dosen't have any psykers>Emperor let them have amasec,pleaseI'M BACK BITCHES
>>61809376>Be Tzeentch>Trying to maintain portal while looking at planet>Get slammed by a moon>What the fu-AAAAAAAAAHHH>Get warp stuff all over my face>It fucking burns>Pull myself out and close the portal>Start screeching in pain>I have glitter in my eyes and a horrendous taste in my mouth>Scramble to my washroom to remove the glitter and purge my mouth with mouth wash>Fucking Warp
>still being a Commissar>Shadowseer convinces me to paint the Colonel's Vanquisher red>doesn't take much convincing honestly, seems like an interesting experiment with little or no actual downside>Colonel hates it, she insists it's going to make us a bigger target>somehow this Vanquisher now moves faster than a Chimera>justasplanned.creed>only seems to work when there are orks around>not like we have a shortage of those anyway>wonder if this is technically heresy>naaah, the Astartes and Sororitas paint shit red all the time>why should they have all the fun?
>>61809531> It seems some of the daemon came into me> it’s seems to have splintered itself between myself the farseer and some Random corporal> well it’s at manageable levels at least> hmm... perhaps I can trap it somewhere> “ farseer... perhaps since this daemon has proven itself so... malleable, we should try a different approach and instead try traping it in some artifact.”>” I would require your assistance however”Vote on what you guys want the object to be
>>61809650Does it taste like body glitter and various bodily fluids?
>Be Lord of Change>Hear my God screaming in pain>Get chills down my spine>Other Daemons heard him screaming as well>By the gods what happened?
>>61809663A dildo, an object that is commonly affiliated with slaanesh
>>61809703YES AND IT FEELS LIKE THE GLITTER IS STABBING MY EYES!
>>61809732wait same space gliter that turned the 2 lords of change into ladies of change
>>61809663A cape. A big red cape that you could use as many things:>Stylish swagger>Hide your identity>Wipe the blood of your enemies off your armor>Sleep under with a lover>And so much more!While stocks last
>>61809555>Be me>Redneck Guardsman and Part-Time Delivery Boy>Pull up to the trenches to find them mostly deserted>Well, there's a grumpy lookin' lady there>I think she's a commissar>Pop the hatch and poke my head out>"Howdy, Commissar, Ma'am! I brought coffee!"
>>61809748Yep. . .
>>61809922Well, look on the bright side! You can finally go on a date with Big E!
>>61809663>>61809531>>61809484>Be Java'hadI see it as possessing the soulstone, which I crawled into to escape the purgeThen I spread my influence into the coffee to influnce others, but actual possession was of the soulstone/EldarI'll go withbtye popular opinion of what should happen though. I like you guys
>>61809748>>61809922Can’t chaos gods already do thatI don’t think they have genders
>>61809951I Am taking votes thoughGonna try to trap you in a object
>>61809985Ultra-Dildonator 9000!>Trouble in the bedroom?>Can't keep your soul-bonded Daemonette GF satisfied?>DEldar wyches crashing on your couch?>Bored Cog-Girls?>Perhaps even a Necron Lady fornicating with your toaster?>The Ultra-Dildonater 9000 will solve all your problems!Order now, and we'll throw in a SECOND Ultra-Dildonater 9000 ABSOLUTELY FREE! (just pay separate shipping and handling)Call now! Supplies are running out!
>>61809959It's warp stuff, the gods are made of that stuff, so yeah he's in for a bad time.
>>61810067Accounted for!!Bonus points for making me laugh(not really) though good job
>>61810067Second this idea!
>Be Tzeentch>Taking a shower furiously>Glitter is taking forever to wash out of eyes>Mouth wash isn't doing shit for the taste>My everything feels violated>Can't see due to glitter and end up falling out of the shower like a drunk>OwBy the warp how do you get this shit off, in fact what is this hell glitter made of!?
>Be Nurgle>[Putrid Laughter at Tzeentch's situation Intensifies]
>>61810509We need a papa Nurgle edit of this
Bump for the bump god
need to clock in some sleep this time, work tomorrow, hopefully thread is still around/made anew by then
>>61809717>>61809776>>61810067>>61810173All these votes are accounted for You guys may have to wait until the next threadVoting is still open btw
Roof guardsmen writefag here. Should I use a name for my posts, and should I even keep going?
>>61810959Feel free to keep going, your guardsmen antics are most entertaining to watch.
>>61810959I like what you post, keep going if you want
>Be Tzeentch>Crawl back into shower>Continue to scrub at glitter with all sorts of soaps and shampoo's>Helps remove some of the horrendous smells>Glitter is still in eyes>Taste in mouth makes me want to throw up>Break out the Colgate and tooth brush in hopes of brushing the taste out>Makes it taste worst>Vomit glittery bile that keeps changing consistency>Fuck you Colgate>Retreat back to scrubbing out glitter
>>61810956A data slate
>>61811032>Be Nurgle>Laughing so hard I fracture several ribs
>>61811096>Be Tzeentch>Finnaly making headway on removing glitter from my eyes>Eyes still hurt, but at least the glitter is out>Entire body feels violated>Taste is fading away, but I'm still coughing up glitter>Feel Nurgle laughing>Asshole, he doesn't know how much this shit stings
>be me armentho>the fight had been going on and the demons of tzench are advancing against the orkz and demons of the others gods>send message trough vox with the prototype>''ORKZ AND DEMONS AT THE FLANKS,WE NEED BOMBARDMENT RIGHT NOW!!''>fucking krieg and pdf screaming and runing
>Be Inquisitor>Had a mutiny>Vented atmosphere in the ship>NotMyFirstTime.heretics>Locked my area down more tightly than a sister of battle supposedly is>If you know what I mean>You don't, do you>I'm talking to the navigators corpse why am I doing that>Eh>The mutant was good, for being a mutant>Occasionally I only had to threaten him few times a day instead of five>Good times>Then he tried to kill me>Oh well>Have the remaining loyal crew pilot the ship>Ten minutes to orbit>Open vox"All ground forces and allies evac right now, in ten minutes I will commence the exterminatus. Or don't, I don't care that much">Feel like I just avoided some fuckery>Like I escaped a shitty raid from daemons
>Be Nurgling>Got sucked into a space ship by the warp>No idea where I am>No idea what I'm doing>No idea what I'm holding>No idea what I'm wearing>But I know I must stink up this joint>Wander into an area called the "Bridge">Why is it called a bridge? There's nothing to cross, silly materials!>See a guy in a fancy coat>Sneeze on him in greeting, as is tradition>Waddle over to a big shiny button that says "DO NOT PRESS, EVER! THIS MEANS YOU!"
>>61811533> be interrogator of this inquisitor> the elder farseer is exhausted and falls asleep> hear on vox coms that my inquisitor gonna blow up the the planet> fuagg> that crazy old bastard is gonna try to blow up a planet again> still need to trap the daemon somewhere guess that will have to wait for now> Commandeer a transport ship and start heading to the inquisitors ship taking the uncouncious farseer with me
>>61811679>Be Inquisitor>Something sneezed on me>Look>see fucking nurgling>BLAM.exe>Going to have to burn these cloths and bath in promethium>Just like the custodes do>Just a few more minutes
>be Commissar>today is the day>I'm supposed to FINALLY get my uniform back from the dry-cleaners>get a call from some Guardsman that I have a delivery waiting in one of the hangars>that's an odd place to deliver my coat, but good to know>head there immediately>this isn't my coat at all>this is a battery of deathstrike launchers>this is a battery of deathstrike launchers loaded with vortex missiles>why>who>what need could anyone POSSIBLY have for this many vortex missiles>who the hell is supplying this planet>I literally do not have the manpower to defend these things>I guess I could just fire them all into orbit and set them off>that'd be good for a chuckle>yeah, I think I'll do that
>>61811533>Be Tzeentch>Remember I had to send out a raid on that fleet>FUCK>There's no time to send out a fleet>Grab towel on way out to planing room>Try to think of something to stop the elimination of this planet>Decide on causing tech and mechanical problems till I can think of something better
>>61811778> use psyker powers to communicate with inquisitor > tell him not to shoot the ship and please do not blow up the planet
tell me there's an archive of this.
>>61811845They're in the 4chan archive but not a more stable archive
>>61811836"But why though? I haven't done one in over a month! Do you know what that does to a man?!">Remember I'm not a psyker>Vox the interrogator and tell him what I pretty much screamed at nothing
>>61811940> “there is still a large portion of our forces on the planet”> “plus it’s a nice planet, I mean... it has trees and stuff”>” I mean sure things don’t look to good right now with all dark elder, daemons and orks running around.... you know what go ahead and nuke it”> “oh by the way I sorta need to excorcise a daemon from this elder here”
>Be guardsman on a mission from xenos to defend our sanity with alcohol >Look over at canteen, see bombed out building >Option A just went to shit >Inspiration strikes >Commissar always has booze, she hates the bottom shelf plus her building is not even fifty meters away >The Emperor does protect >Quickly move to gain entry and establish a secure area >Open door and slide into Commissar's building, closing door before striking a glow-stick >BY THE EMPEROR >Turns out our Commissar has a *thing* for our Emperor >He's everywhere, and not dressed for battle. Not dressed for anything, in fact >Note to self: Have a nice long 'talk' with the Inquisition, Commissar should join the Sororitas >Now to the mission at hand >Start opening cabinets >Jackpot! A case of that amasec she refuses to share plus her backup pistol. Full magazine too >Now for a bag >Open another cabinet >Am confused by the model Kharon Acquisitor she keeps in here >Then I smell it >Youdirtygirl.gif >Reach for it
>>61812048thank you anon
>>61812019>Be in orbit>Our forces haven't evacuated yet>Oh well>Slamming the exterminatus button with my forehead>Nothing happens>Repeat it>Still nothing>What heresy is this?!
>>61796478http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive.html?tags=What+Is+PeaceCan somebody upload the other two threads with appropriate descriptions? "What Is Peace, Warhammer 40k, Warhammer" were the tags I used.
>>61812131I do it, but it's an hour long lockdown for each upload, so better/faster for somebody else to handle it. Probably can come up with better tags too.
>>61812019>>61812098>Be Me>Ork Freeboota Kaptin Gitsmasha>Inquisitor's saying he's about to blow up the planet>OhNoYouZogginDont,git>Head straight toward the tellyporta, followed by three shirtless, extremely muscular Madboyz known as 'Da Pillar Boyz'>"Roight den! You boyz go krump dat Inquisitah git so he dun blow up da planet! Wez still got dat humie armory ta loot!">Da Pillar Boyz nod, strike some poses (weird gits), and dash through the tellyporta>Tellyporta spits them out directly behind the Inquisitor in a flash of green WAAAAGH!!! energy as they flex an strike another pose>One Madboy sees the Inquisitor trying to slam the exterminatus button with his forehead>Assume he's trying to headbutt his way through the console>Proceeds to do the 'helpful' thing and kicks him in the back of the head so it'll go 'through the button and into the console like it's "supposed to"
>>61812098> on the the inquistor nuke’em ship with the elder> carry her to chambers for safe keeping> make my way to the bridge> wonder why he hasn’t nuked it yet> use divination to see culprit> it’s a giant deck of playing cards> FuckingTzenetch.jpg> welp
>>61812157> make it to bridge > see giant freeboota kaptin coming out of a teleporta> one the orks is kicking the quasi toes head in> Oh no you don’t. Proceed to use telekinetic powers to push him away> pull out force sword ready to smite some fools
>>61812157>Be kicked in the back of the head>My body going through the console sets the cyclonic torpedo to a countdown>Am dead now>Or FUBAR
>>61812201> quasi toesFuck meant inquisitor
>>61812205> it seems I was too late on the saving the inquistor> take inquisitors rosette as is the way> he was a dick anyway
>>61812228Rip in pepperoni Nuk'emSo how will our daring interrogator stop the planet nuke?
>>61812250Pffft I’m the hero I do what wantMight just let it go off
>>61812205>Be Tzeentch>Realize countdown has started>Oh hell>Starting to panic due to time limit>fuckfuckfuckFUCK>In a moment of panic decide to manifest an avatar of me in the ship to try stoping the count down or to just blow up the ships nukes
>>61812291> be fighting orks> just finished SMITE.jpg ing an ork> avatar of tzenetch manifests out of nowhere> Wut> don’t even know what’s going on anymore just going with the flow> tfw still have to excorcize that khnorne daemon from the elder farseer> feels bad man.jpg
>Be Avatar of Tzeentch>Just recently made into existence>No too sure what's going on other than that I have to stop a nuking of a planet>ok?>No idea where the bombs are and just kinda wonder around confused while getting stared at
>man, the RANGE on those vortex missiles>those are impressive pieces of technology>seems almost a shame to send them up there to go off in low planetary orbit>but at least now I don't have to worry about them>not like there's been a ship in orbit since the orks crashed here>and even if it were, Imperial Navy bridge crews are some of the most observant, skilled personnel in the Imperium>they should be able to detect and avoid a salvo of three dozen missiles>I'm sure it'll be fine>why is the Shadowseer laughing
>>61812201>Be Madboy 'Pillar Boyz' 1>Get telekinetic pushed away from dead Inquisitor>strike a pose and glare at you>Realize there's a countdown going on and it's related to the exterminatus>Oops.grot>Probably should fix that. Hitting the console the first time started the timer, so hitting it again should turn it back off right?>>61812291>Remaining 2 pillar boyz jump back and strike another pose. One of them tries to backhand the Interrogator out of the way an immediately strike another defensive pose as an avatar of Tzeentch pops in out of nowehre>The other one just starts punching wildly away at the exterminatus console with its bare hands, smashing it to pieces in an attempt to shut it off.>ThePowerofWAAAGHcompellsya!!!.greenskin
>>61812356> there’s chaos on the bridge>everybody on the planet will die if I don’t stop the detonation> guess I have too> the orks are too busy staring at the avatar of tzenetch and fighting each other to care what I’m doing> there’s gotta be a cancellation device somewhere right?> decide to divine the location of the cancelation > hmmmm deep focus
>>61812427>Be Avatar of Tzeentch>Still have no idea how to stop the nukes>The Orks are just kinda staring at me>Don't know why>See someone who seems to know where it is>Decide I'll ask him>"Hey, do you know how to stop the nukes from going off"
>>61812291>>61812205>be me armentho>still holding the new STC and the prototypes>im trying to find a ship or something to scape this planet>fuckingwork.vox>sudennly my vox prototype allow me hear something about nuclear bombs contdown>looks like that inquisitor ship is about to explode>well one problem less,i dont have to worry about exterminatus then
>>61812378>Be THICC harlequin>Get back from wraithboning with that combat medic nerd>Shadowseer is laughing>Ask why>Apparently we're all doomed>Laugh along
>>61812555You mean the cyclonic torpedo along with all of the nukes on the ship, which is in orbit, is going to detonate? Yeah that's GREAT news
>>61812549> concentration is interrupted by a fucking avatar of tzentch asking me where the nuke cancellation button is> realize I can use this to my advantage> “so could you ah... do me a favor if I stop the nuke”> “ i’d Appreciate if you would get rid of a pesky khorne daemon”
>>61812605>Be Avatar of Tzeentch>Get offered a fair proposal>Sounds good to me>Accept and ask where this Khorne Daemon is
>>61812685> suprisingly the avatar agrees> not really sure if this is a good idea but point him to my chambers where I’m keeping the possessed unconcious eldar farseer>informs it that it is possessing the farseers soul stone and that fully banishing could be impossible so advise trying to trap it in a object> continue divining the cancellation device
>>61812775>Inb4 the code is 1
>>61812775>Be Avatar of Tzeentch>Make my way towards the possessed Eldar>Begin thinking of way to trap the Khorne Daemon into something else>Decide to just rip it out
>>61813053>Be Tzeentch>See that Avatar is about to rip a Daemon of Khorne>He's about to get his shit pushed in>Decide to just watch
>>61812775> see that the detonation is about to go off> “fuck fuck what do I do”> the lock is equipped with psi lockers> don’t have time to break them> just input the first number that comes to mind> 1,1,1,1> it actually works> the warhead is not cancelled> Wut?>>61813028Good idea
>>61813299> warhead is not cancelledWhoops meant that the warhead is canceled
second thread archived.
>>61813316Where are they archived at?
>>61813053>Be Java'had>Been chilling in mah soulstone, trying to keep this crazed manthing from killing my living weapon of war, that I have so painfully saved from Slaanesh>Some how off planet, on a ship full of angry hate & weapons of Annihilation>See an Avatar of Tzeentch float in>BROTHER WHAT HAS KEPT YOU FROM THIS REALM?!!!! I HAVE BEEN WARRING SINGUARLY AGAINST THE PRINCE OF PLEASURE!!!! WILL YOU JOIN ME IN MAKING THEM PAY??!!!!!>A MAN NAMED DARVY IS SET TO UNRAVEL YOUR MASTERS PLANS!!!!
>>61813622> warhead has been cancelled> wonder how the excorcism has been going > head over to my chambers where this is taking place> ?So I’m still taking votes on what the object is gonna beSo far I have Slanneshi dildo:3 Multi purpose cape: 1A date sleet: 1
>>61813691I'm doing the Slanneshi dildo!
>>61796825>Peace in Piecest. Little Caesar
>>61813691There’s also a third option for bounding him to a daemonhostJust putting that out there o.o
>>61813622>Be Tzeentch>Hear through the Avatar this Daemon talk about someone wanting to foil my plans>Sounds like something I should look into>Think about it for a bit>Decide to bring him to me personally and hear him out myself
>>61813786> just got teleported to the warp> see fucking Trent has in front> what the fuck> no idea what he wants> pretty much done with this shit> Idgaf
>>61813840> Trent Sorry phone postingI meant tzenetch obvously
>>61813864>"So, tell me more about this person who wants to foil my plans."
Has Tzeentch not yet noticed he has bird tits still?
OP we're like 30-40 posts before hitting the limit, just letting you know ahead of time.
>>61813911> “uh who might you be asking info on”
>>61812070>Be Keeper of Secrets >Rift opens into a mess of violence, depravity and sexual confusion >Theseareafewofmyfavoritethings.mp3 >Cross into materium >Take in the sights >Sense DEldar and Space Marines >Tasty tasty soul meat >Then the bitterness of those fucking clowns begins to foul my palate >Need a hiding spot >Cast my senses about >Find an object imbued with unrequited passion, deep shame and a frustration bordering on insanity >Feelslikehome.jpg >Dive on in. A bit small, but the pleasures given by it more then make up for its cramped quarters. >Wait patiently for the battle to end. The owner of this will not leave it >Soul buffet here I come! >Sense a human has found me. Not the owner, but he will do >Begin enticing him to degrade himself using my tether. Then I will subsume his mind and use him to bring me to the owner
>>61813995>"A man named Darvy."
My only concern for this thread ending is that I'll never know if fem Commissar will get a man to be with instead of Mr. Chainsword Grip
>>61814104>“ uhhh... that would be me”> theres a period of silence>” listen Mr.tzenetch, I have no idea what your plans are and frankly I don’t want to know”>” all I know is that there’s no way I have enough power to foil Any of your plans”> the interrogator pauses briefly then proceeds to continue his plea>” I mean that daemon works for khorne, I don’t think you should believe anything he tells you”>” we have a mutual enemy after all.... all the other chaos gods so if you could.. you know bring me back to real space. I would strongly appreciate it”
>>61814210>” Oh and um.. not shattering my soul into a million pieces would be nice also”
>>61814162So are you gonna make another thread?Some of the plot threads are still loose
>Be Warp>Wonders how I can screw with bird boy again>That cyclonic torpedo looks good
>>61814245Of course I'm going to make a new thread
>>61814262I have one ready to go already, I'm just waiting for the bump limit
>Be cogboy>Be exploring the mechanical depths of this planet>Been travelling for miles & miles>The machine goes on...
>Be me>Miss Commissar is just staring at me>I sense a murderous sensation flowing from her>olbillybobsgotwhatyouneed.yeehaw>Dig through the Chimera and find a Mason jar of moonshine>Crack open the lid and walk up to her, big stupid grin on my face the entire time>I think I got drunk again just from the smell alone
>>61796478Did the perma-virgin TechPriestess get laid?
>>61814303Be careful cog boy, those necrons have whole rooms full of toasters to hump
>>61814395No, I don't think so
>>61814395I think a Necron Lord fell in love with her, but he hasn't acted on any plans to woo her. Any takers?
>>61814355I've seen enough fanfiction to know where this is going>Pic related
>>61814028>Be Java'had>Becoming more & more impowered by the coffee drinking soldiers killing things thanks to by devotee William Robert>LORD OF ESCHER, FEATHERED MAGISTER, TWISTED KING OF THE SPIRAL PALACE, FRACTAL PRINCE OF CHANGE!!!!!!!>THIS DARVY IS THE SINGULAR REASON THAT SLAANESH HAS HELD SUCH STRONG DOMINION OVER THIS EVER CHANGING PLANET. HE IS THE REASON YOU ARE COVERED IN GLITTER & YOUR TITS ARE HUGE!!!!!!!!!
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive.html?tags=What%20Is%20PeaceAll three threads are up
>>61814395I'm hoping cogboy finds a way too save everything & then get techgirlwaifu
>>61814224>>61814468>Be Tzeentch>Not sure what to do with this mortal>Begin thinking about what to do with him>. . .>Decide to just have the Avatar follow him and make sure he doesn't fuck with my plans>I send him back to his original position in the material realm>About to go back to planning when I notice that there's a trail of wet glitter from the washroom to my planning room>Dammit it's fucking everywhere and there's still glitter on me!>Go back into washroom to continue scrubbing glitter off>Hear Keeper of Secret say something about tits>Wait what? What is that abomination talking abou-WHAT THE FUCK!>I don't know fucking how or why but I know have bird tits>Realize I just talked to a mortal stark naked>Realize Slaanesh is most likely watching>Immediately cover self in towel>This is THE worst day ever, hands down!
>>61814571>Be Nurgle>Put a screen in Isha's room so she can see what's happening to Tzeentch>She laughed so hard she threw up>It's the cutest thing ever!
>>61814607Nurgle is best husbando hands down. And leave them down because they fell off a few years ago from one of the many diseases
>>61814468>>61814571> be interrogator Darvin> just survived and encounter with tzenecth somehow> get dropped off in my chambers> the avatar is staring at me saying it’s to follow me to make sure I don’t mess up tzenetch’s plans> the elder farseer is still uncocncoius> fuck this shit I’m going to bed> goes to personal bedroom and goes to sleepAlright guys I’m done posting for now See you tommow
>>61814571Bird nerd needs a husbando now, so does Slaanesh, maybe khorne if he gets screwed over by the warp too
Bump to limit while talking about story stuff time
>Be Nurgling>Be 100000000000000% MAD>I'm just trying to make friends, and all anyone ever does is hurt me!>HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY WHEN PAIN IS MY ONLY FRIEND?!>Reconstitute my form out of pure rage and launch myself upon the person with the =][= shiny on his hat>FORPAPANURGLE.REEEEEEEEEEEEEE
>>61814713Question is how do we get Khorne to come into contact with the glittery warp stuff?
Bumping for boredom
>Be Lady of Change>Battle has some what gone down but not entirely>Finally let Lord of Change know he is now a she>Not too sure sure how she is dealing with it right now>I just hope we can get more reinforcements
>>61814469Oi yeh fool the entire thread wasn't finished archiving there are posts missing!
Where is everyone?
>>61814912The warp, uh, finds a way
>>61815147oh yeah that's right
>>61815123I'm waiting for new thread
Is OP still awake and is the mystery thread still alive?
New thread fresh for heresy>>61815222