>Be me>Be guardsman>Be guarding/standing around staring at nothing>Get news from Commissar>The Man Emperor has started some sort of reform regarding certain xenos races>It pretty much boiled down to "Don't fuck with us and we won't fuck with you" and something about better relations with the Imperium>Have to work with Eldar and Tau now>Pretty sure the Tau purposefully sent only females to temp the new guardsmen into joining their weeaboo empire>Can't tell the eldar apart because of their fucking g armor>Always get stared at when asking if they are a boy or a girl>The clown ones always laugh and say something in moonspeak>Mfw I can't shoot these xenos>Mfw those knife eared assholes keep reading my thoughts and keep calling me a monkey>Fucking xenos
Pretty sure talking shit about your primarch's girlfriend's race is some form of heresy, anon.
>>61770437Its not heresy if they don't know
>>61770013>Be Eldar>Some mon-keigh asked if I was a boy or girl>Stare at him like he's retarded>He eventually leaves>Go back to being a pretentious prick>This suits riding my up my ass>And this armor makes my tits sore>Should have become a harlequin
>>61770437It will always be fanfiction, anon.
>>61770519>Be Drukhari wych>Shortage of slaves to torture>Be kissless virgin>Somehow>Tfw no husbando to hold hands with>Go to the Wheel Of Enslavement>Spin it>Get the name and location of some random planet in the middle of the bumfuck nowhere>Use psyker slave to get details>It has Eldar, Tau, and mon-keigh>And they're not killing each other>IcallBullshit.wraithbone>Get a raiding party together>Time to steal a husbando>And maybe mind fuck him into loving you on the trip back
>>61771129This is going to end up like cold shoulder isn't it
>>61771111>alwaysCareful with that word.
>>61770013Calling bullshit. You can always tell Eldar females because they all have big tits and bigger dicks than the males.
>>61771855But what if the guardman has never seen an eldar before? He would have no frame of reference
>>61770013If it's good enough for Gulliman, it's good enough for me. I'm off to find myself a nice qt3.14 harlequin clowngrill
>>61771129>be me>be psyker >be stuck in pact with eldar and tau>want to fuck with eldar>not that kind of fuck you pervert>get feeling from warp that isn't just brain static>dark eldar are after a husbando>oh_fuck.png>they're coming to this pile of crap of a planet>OH_FUCK.png>can't warn commissar in fear of BLAM>just have to live with this shitWhat can I do guys?
>Be Guardsman>Not in fear for my life>idontknowthisfeel.primer>see the psyker freaking out about something>no obvious warp-fuckery going on, thankfully>chalk it up as just weird psyker shit>Try to ignore the Banshee Exarch following me around like a lost puppyWhat's her deal? Should I ask one of the other Eldar about what to do?
>>61772095Who let the mutant use the data slate?
>>61771951The Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer has all the information you need, citizen, including handy reference material to familiarize yourself with the enemies of mankind.You're lack of knowledge on mandatory reading has been flagged as "concerning." Please report to your local commissar for reeducation.
>>61772214He's just being a weird psyker, as per protocol. Just ignore him. I am curious about why he's freaking the fuck out, though.
>>61772214I bought this data slate from the rogue trader, I'm fully in my right to use it
>>61772095Report to the commissar. Sure you'll be BLAMmed, put the pain of BLAM lasts for just a moment. With the Dark Eldar, the pain of BLAM lasts a lifetime.
>>61772172The space elf can read your thoughts, just ask her what she wants, but in your mind
>>61772280Tried that. All she did was stare at me and lick her lips. I'm just gonna find one of the less intimidating Eldar females and ask her for advice.
>>61772266Are you sure theres no way out of this without getting BLAM'd?
>>61772332Just be honest, I guess? How crazy is your Commissar?
>>61772352No idea, but they made a peace pact with the fish people so probably pretty up there
>>61772352>"I WILL STRANGLE YOU WITH YOUR OWN INTESTINES IF YOU DONT PICK UP YOUR TRASH GUARDSMAN!!">>"B-but I didn't mean to drop the wrapper!">BLAM
>>61772368We don't let her near the xenos.
>be commissar>i have to tell my men that working with filthy tau and eldar>The tau only sent their woman>I still don't know why>The eldar keep breaking squad morale with their fucking pysker shit and their knife eared language>They call each and everyone of my men mokeys or some other bullshit>I have to drink half a bottle of amasec each night to not shoot the bastardsFuck the Admistratum and their quotas
>>61772410There is an old Terran saying about women, "Don't fornicate with the mentally unstable". That's why our Commissar is still a virgin
>>61772430Okay, um... maybe you can find a Farseer and let them know, and then they can relay the info to the Commissar instead?
>>61772466You mean send a xeno to talk to the trigger happy Commissar instead of sending a vox message?
>>61772454Can someone confirm i wont get BLAM'd for telling the commissar about the dark eldar shit?
>>61772320Just talk to her you mon-keigh coward
>Be TechPriest.>spend ten hours doing maintenance on the armour support for the Imperial guard.>Look over at the Tau armour section.>They are all without protective coveralls and are getting there heretic oil all over there bodies.>Rubbing themselves all over there walkers>Some of the Imperial guard are hooting like chimps at the tau women.>I feel a murderous rage and longing for a body I ascended from three hundred years ago.Its not wasteful to add supplemental power units to my body right? I have space on my chest area, I hate the tau.
>>61772586It was not a waste. Cease those heretical thoughts
>Be Death Jester>Some mon'keigh are starting to freak out>Craftworlders bumming around doing their usual>Tau are the walking laughingstocks they typically are>heartychuckle.jpg>Drukhari ships arrive, everyone's beginning to panic>Troupe master's laughing ass off>honk.wav
>>61772537>Be guardsman>Get news from local psyker about some dark eldar or something>Hard to understand him/her through all the panicking babbling>Go to tell our Commissar>Walk in on her diddling herself with the grip of an active chainsword>Get my arm blammed off>Relay the message while clutching my stump>Get told to get out>Now i have an augmeticHope you're happy you spastic fuck
>>61772693I fucking guess, hopefully we can get help before they ship us off to do emperor knows what
>>61772693Our Commissar is too hardcore. I bet she likes handholding
>>61772586>Be Tau Firewarrior>Be stuck in a Fu'llasso>The Aun let a few Por prance around naked to convince some Gue'la to join us>PlasticSurgeryfortheGreaterGood.jpg>Most of our Gue'vesa are just here for a piece of ass>No other skills then prancing around in uniform, pointing flashlights, and hooting>ImisstheKroot.RIPANDTEAR
>>61772673>"Berek, would you like to know the funniest part of this?">"Of course, troupemaster">"After millennia of war, peace has come to this little place, and nobody's happy."
>>61772693>>61772779>be commisar>finally get some private time>if this chainsword could talk>just as i start getting into it a guardsman opens the door>oh fuck>pull the handle out and cut his arm out of reflex>While he's bleeding in my carpet he tells me thatsome psyker told him that some dark eldar are nearby and doing nefarious shit>tell him to get out>i'd normally take this as a fucking prank>but since my life has been a rollercoaster of shit since the moment the xenos arrived i'll have to take this seriously>might as well go ask the freak what he saw>as i leave my office with my trusty amasec bottle i hear a guardsman saying that i like handholding>what is wrong with this regiment
>Be Plaguemarine>Lungs near the point of disintegration>Skin is at the same time red raw, bulbous, oozing and festering>Unknown fluids gush inside of my armour which I can't open>Farted hard yesterday and my intestines started leaking outFeels good man.
>>61772253Who gave the abhuman money?
>>61772332Hope for a Chaos outbreak?
>>61772946>be me>commissar walking up to me>Im_screwed.png>get asked what I saw>try to say about the dark eldar planning to attack>nearly impossible to say as I'm in the middle of a panic attack>start talking about the warp telling me for a second>promptly shut up>I_just_got_myself_killed_didn't_I.png
>>61772320>Be guardsman>Be cleaning lasgun>Take out energy pack>Remember to put it back in later>Always place the pack with the minutes matching minutes and positive matching positive>Psyker screams about something>Never noticed the eldar that keeps following me pick up the energy pack>She put it back down when I looked back at my gun>Get done cleaning>Put pack back in gun>Go to test firing area>Pick a target>Aim>Fire>Lasgun blasts through the target, the wall, and keeps going>What the fuck>Check the gun>The pack is backwards>Feel a tap on my shoulder>See the stalker eldar staring at me with that weird look>"You owe me one /mon'keigh/">I don't like the way she said monkey
>>61772915Cegorach, you little scamp.
>>61772586>>61772693>>61772837>>61772983>Working on a basic augment to a broken guardsmen.>finish attaching his nerves to the new limb.>Stand up and move my upper body forward 45 degrees.>My new supplemental power units are now close to his face.>Ask him what he thinks.>"Holy shit it works! You cog-boys are the best!"I think I am just going to charge on my slab for a bit.
>be guardsman>haven’t touched a woman in 20 years>see techpriest, maybe they can get me a dataslate so I can look at Sisters Of Battle in private>they hand me a dataslate without question, they seem kinda frustrated and lonely>I see their hand>looks awful feminine for a dude even when metal >get boner because I’m so fuck ass lonely >techpriest looks at me>Eldar looks at me too, clearly judging>point eared fuck probably knows what I’m gonna do with the dataslate with their psyker bullshit>I can feel them both staring at me while I try to walk away like nothing’s wrong Fucking shoot me now Commissar
>>61773116>Be guardsman.>Hear the commissar *communing with the Emperor*.>BLAM.>Guardsman staggers out missing an arm.>Commissar follows with a bottle.>Techpriest comes around the corner with gigantic power packs bolted to chest. Peace is fucking wierd, can I have the war back
>>61773116>Watch Gue'la Earth Fio fix up one of their ""Guardsmen">Fio walks/hovers/treads away like a wounded canine creature>tfw you've spent hours in a Run'al watching Gue'la undress>Biggerpulseriflesthennormal.greatergood>Go back to patrol without commenting on J'karra>Maybe a Fio can make the lenses... cuter?>It's just for diplomacy purposes after all
>>61773116You have to be direct. Like more direct than a fucking arrow pointing at something.
>>61773294>Be Drukhari wych>CantWaitForFuck.fleshlab>Wonder what race my husband will be>Maybe grab myself a nice submissive eldar>Or maybe a mon'keigh to break and make completely loyal to me!>"Why are you blushing?""IM NOT BLUSHING YOURE BLUSHING!!">Can feel the Drukhari pasta in armor falling out>Keep it together, just a little while longer and then husbando
>>61773116Yes, more amperes. That solves everything for women.
>>61773050>be commissar>this grox-shit psyker can't even speak properly>he's babbiling about dark eldar>he mentions the warp>he suddenly shuts up>silent like a grave>almostheresy.gif>Usually i'd just shoot the idiot but i need that dark eldar info>Look at my trusty amasec bottle>sacrificefortheemperor.txt>hand him the bottle>"Drink or i'll blow your heretical head off">i'm starting to miss the war
>Be Tech-Priest>Simple cogboy, all I know are the Rites of Oil Exchange>Uglyass fishlipped girls steal the Emperor's used oil>They start splashing in it>Complete waste of recyclable oils>Walk away shaking head>See QT3.14159265... talking to some chad guardsman will one arm>Admire her powerpacks>I'll be in my bunk.heresy>Grab an urn of sacred unguent>Gotta go grease my rod before I embarrass myself>Make uncomfortable eye contact with Eldar girl across the way>Awkwardly fumble will my jar, and duck my head>Eldar girl licks her lips>Flee to bunk, trying not to think heretical thoughts
>BE DEAD SNEEKY>TELL DEEZ GITZ I'S A BEAKIE FROM DA GREEN MARINES>DA 'UMIES 'N PUNIES STILL HAVEN'T NOTICED ME>HEH HEH, STOOPID GITS
>>61773624>>61773523>>61773508>>61773354Will Tech Femcel and Elf Femcel ever find love? We can only hope.
>>61773074W-what do you think she wants?
>>61773570>>61773508>be me>told to drink bottle of something or be shot>grab bottle>prepare to down the lot>warp starts talking again>more fucking bad news, courtesy of paranoia radio, AKA the warp>mutter "fuck they're almost here" much calmer than normal>realise I need to down whatever this stuff is still.>drink whatever the hell is in that thing
>>61773639>Be guardsman.>Trying to converse with Tau and Eldar.>Allheresybreaksloose.bat.>Trying to figure out what's happening.>Commissary, techpriest, psyker and one armed guardsman start telling me more heresy than I can handle.>Tau and Eldar start eyeing us as if we've gone insane.>Start looking around, see Ork in SM armor.>Raise alarm, everybody goes for the Ork.Thank the Emperor, life makes sense again
>>61773275>>61773354>>61773624>Sitting on slab in the beditorium>Another Tech Priest runs into the room dripping oil on the ground.>wasteofoilday.heresy>send a data packet requesting his vitals to make sure he is not malfunctioning.>junkdata.exe>Send him some prayers and check on what that guardsmen is doing with the dataslate.>More fleshboobs.>Boobenvy intensifies.>wait a moment.>Something just destroyed a satellite.>Switch to space view.>Its a dark Eldar raiding force.>goingtodieavirgin.whyomnissiahwhy
>>61773678Fem-Priest and Delder will find love, in each others arms.
>>61773729>be comissar>alcohol can really be the solution to all your problems>grox-shit psyker grabs the bottle>stats fessing up even before drinking it>good>i hear him mutter that they're almost here>"How many are comining? Also watch your fucking language">finally some fucking action>can't wait to blow some eldar's whore head off
>>61773876Wait, don't deldar raiding parties fuck up eldar craft world's? ...Shit we're all dead or worse
>>61773876>be me>commissar gave me alcohol>not as bad as expected>constant screams of the warp slightly fade out>realise I've been asked a question>reply with " I'm not sure... it said about a raiding party...">the screams of the warp are back, that lasted long.>"I'll try... can't promise when I think I'm gonna be killed though."
>>61773934Depends on who is financing the raid and who is leading it, it can be anything from a fleet of warships and an army to a dozen eldar in the space equivalent of a fucking age of sail cog.
>>61773718"So um...what do I owe you?">The eldar doesn't say a word and just [spoilers] holds my hand [/spoilers] and drags me to what she has for a barrack>She pushes me onto the bed>Pray to the Man Emperor of Mankind"What are we going to do on the bed?">Why is she stripping?
>The dark eldar land>The largely neutral Harlequins just stop the fighting immediately to pull the ultimate prank, the final jest, the omega-japery>Speed dating
>>61773961>be commisar>this faggot just tried to avoid his own death via power>my trigger finger's itching something fierce>calm down>remember what they teached you at the Schola>"Sometimes a live heretic can be a useful heretic">Smile they coldest and most professional smile i can muster>"Sure">"Now get to it, as fast as you fucking can">"And give me a report when you're done">get up and go visit the tech priests >i need those chimeras and leman russes running as fast as possible>at least they're reliable and proffesional>as i enter their headquarters a techpriest with a powerpack in the shape of breasts greets me>whatintheemperorsname.png
>>61774031>Check inventory for anything that can deal with a spaceship.>Nothing, Tech Priest on slab next to me starts to make strange humming sounds, he must have noticed the Raiders too.>Flash of inspiration >This is a joint operation, there is heretical xeno ordinance laying about the place and no Magos to restrict its use.>Rush into the Eldar Section and into what looks like a storage building.>Whatarewedoingonthebed.exe>Eldar turns and looks at me.>Winks>HERESY.FUCK>Decide to check the Tau Section for Ordinance.>Run outside.>Dark Eldar ship is landing RIGHT FUCKING NOW.>Not even an orbital bombardment.>Secondary optical unit lights are active for some reason.>In the middle of a Dark Eldar raid.>STUPID SEXY FLESHBAGS.
>>61773787You can put silicone molds of breasts over your power packs, that'll get those fleshy guardsmen to pay attention
>>61774131>>61774094>be me>finally allowed to leave, better yet alive!>first good thing all day>go outside to go to report making area>spot dark eldar ship>run back inside>pretty sure everyone heard the shouting of "FUCK FUCK FUCK THEY'RE HERE"
>Sexually frustrated Deldar lands on world to find husband.>Finds nothing but Sexually Frustrated Women of all races and a handful of Guardchads.>The war over the husbandos has begun.
>>61773787>beditoriumthis kills the me
>>61774281>Be guardsman guarding front gate>See Tau shaking their asses and tits trying to temps me and other guardsman>AlmostWorthBlamming.BLAM>Get captured by dark eldar>Fuck
>meanwhile off in the distance"WAAAAAAAGH!!!!"
>HUSBANDO OPTIONS:>Guardchadx25>Craftchad (Aspect Warrior)x2>Craftworlder (Seer-type)x2>Some Servitors>Harlequins (In both Death Jester and Regular Troupe flavor)x3>The Incubus that came with the DEldar>Superbitch Commissar Chick
>Be Ork>Warboss Anita Sarkeezian, aktually>Da Orkz of many genderz sez dere be a scrap nearby>One of da Orkz calls me "Sir">uwot.gork>"DID YOU JUST AS... ASSU... SAY OIZ A LAD?!">Krump da hit and rally da Orkz>Da Sosial Juztize WAAAGH! begins
>>61774360>Inb4 horny sisters of battle land
>>61773854>>61774094>>Speed dating>>61774146>>STUPID SEXY FLESHBAGS.>Be me, a Daemonette of mostly benign persuasion>Hear of a world with at least three races not murdering the fuck out of each other>One is almost entirely female, the others at least even ratio>Finally my chance to turn everyone into Tentacle LesbiansMILF Slaanesh be praised!
>be commisar>everyone here is a fucking idiot>hear the psyker screaming about the dark eldar>they've finally fucking arrived>wait, i didn't grab my chainsword>fuck it i'll go get it later>grab the psyker's arm>run outside>scream as loud as i can>"MEN, FOOOORMATIONS">"START DIGGING TRENCHES NOW">tell one of the nearest guardsman to take care of trench digging and the psyker>tell him that he has my permission to shoot anyone doing stupid shit>i need to get my chainsword
>>61774600>Chainsword grip is sticky>Forgot to wash itWhoops
>>61774094So that's what Rhana Dandra means
>Be Guardsman >Sitrep says there's a Dark Eldar raid on the way>praisetheemprah.bayonet>Things are finally starting to make sense again!>start digging a trench, when I have the sudden realization>"WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT THE NAKED TAU THOTS?!">Those bouncing tits and surprisingly shapely rears are distracting...
>>61774623W...Why is it sticky anon
>>61774685Well, you see, when a FemCommissar and a chainsword live each other very much...
>be me>be Astares watch captain>be sitting around with my kill-team with our thumbs in our asses as our inquisitor engages in... academic cultural exchange as she puts it, with the xenos>assume that means find the weak links in their defenses by way of subterfuge>told to stay in the gunship unless voxxed>says our presence might make things awkward for our "allies">grantmepatience.emperor>bored>and angry>hear harlequins giggling incessantly>saw tau trying to inspect our ship>Skarphedin ran outside to chase him away yelling obscenities and howling>had to drag his stir-crazy ass back inside>not much else for the rest of the day>worst... mission... ever>xenos xenos everywhere an not a one to purge>hear commotion outside>praying to the emperor that peace has failed
>Be lost little boy>wander around the place with lots of Blue ladies>they're naked for some reason>whymypeepeehard?.puberty
>>61774031I hope you remember to plug your ears, boy.
>>61774685This is why>>61772693
>>61774727>be commisar>shit, i forgot to wash the handle>gross>fuck it, don't have time>while on my way out, some of the pencil pushers of the Administratum tell me that a marine vessel has arrived>tell them to vox them so that they can make planetfall right now>one of them tries to gime me sass >i remind him that a commisar can overrule all operations in a war effort>sometimes i love my job>as i get outside i scream>"DIG THOSE TRENCHES DEEPER MEN">"TIME TO SERVE THE EMPEROR">time to serve the emperor indeed
>>61774600>be me>get dragged outside by commissar>dont_send_me_near_those_pervert_fucks.png>get put near guardsman>watch commissar go back inside>lucky_fuck.png>warp just starts babbling again.
>Be Necron Lord>Wake up in a cave somewhere>thefuck.scarab>I must have sleep-ported. Again.>hear a bit of a ruckus going on topside>letahavealookse.exe>arrive to the surface just in time to see a bunch of Humans, Eldar, and Tau get attacked.>not my problem>About to go back underground when I see... her...>the metal plating>her disdain for organics>her FUCKING MASSIVE Fusion Reactors>10/10>I think I just found my soulmate>initiatefuckbot9000.exe>Now, to just get her attention...
>>61774852>Calm down from seeing an Eldar nude.>Look around, children running around the base, two dozen guardsmen digging a moat around the landed Raider Voidcraft.>Space Marine Gunship inbound.>new plan, stay alive until Space Marine saves me.>Dark Eldar Ship Opens as Commissar is screaming like a madwomen.>ramp lands right next to me.>Not a combat model, have no defences.>Spot Dark Eldar at the top of the ramp with a big grin on her face as she looks at all the Guardsmen digging.>Panic.exe>Activate Sacred Oil Mechidendrite and spray a jet of black holy lubrication at the Dark Eldar while screaming in binary for help.>Wave all six arms in the air to look more deadly.
>>61774600>>61774683>>61774852>Be guardsman from paradise world>Used to study Geology>Dad pressured me to join the Guard>Somehow get put in this place rather than on the front lines>In hindsight, I rather be on the front lines>Actually think we can all get along>Be delighted with xenos women and excited to learn about their culture>Theydon't like talking about Geology>They seem quite interested in biology>This disappoints me without fail>I always reply with a gracious, "Not my area of expertise, shall we discuss the forming patterns of sedimentary limestone?">For some reason, they wear far less than is standard>Surprised they don't catch cold>See Deldar ship inbound>Excellent, more people to discuss my trade with>Commisar yells for us to dig trenches>why.wav>Tempted to rush out to greet them with open arms>Sigh and pick up shovel>Perhaps, once introductions are made, we can all be friends
>>61774525But anonCommisar already has a husbando. Chainsword-san
>>61774852>Be angery marien>Cunt Commissar pulled rank"FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!">The other mariens start yelling fuck in response>At least we can kill some fucking orks and sweat goblins
>>61774983She doesn't have a waifu
>Be Captain of the Marines Malevolent 4th Battle Company>hear some news about a planet with Guard, AdMech, Eldar and Tau presense>remember for the Cold Shoulder Sector clusterfuck>iknowwherethisisgoing.voxcast>contact with the Chapter Master>tells me about some kind of "peace refferendum">Peace?>thefuckisthisshit.heresy>not on my watch>send my Company through the warp to investigate>mentaly prepare for Cold Shoulder 2: Electric Boogaloo
this thread has potential, will continue to lurk more
>>61774960>>61774982>be comissar>as i supervise trench construction i hear someone asking why can't all be friends>emperorprotectme.png>"IS THAT HERETICAL RHETORIC I HEAR?">"SAY THAT SHIT AGAIN AND I'LL SEND YOU TO THE FRONT LINES WITH YOUR SHOVEL">as i scream this guardsman's ear off i see a techpriest covered in oil waving her arms>"What the fuck...">tell the guardsman that he's getting off easy>rev up my chainsword and see what the fuck is going on>as i'm walking there i think i saw i kid>thefuck.exe
>>61775070>Cold Shoulder 2: All's Fair in Love and War
>>61774960>>61774852>>61774375>Fio finally got done with new optics, based on cogitator results>The Gue'la still haven't learned to wipe their history >Iseeyoufapping,you'reprettygood.surveillance>Step outside the Tau Section>The Por are being slaughtered as they shake their surgically enhanced posteriors>Worse yet, the Dark Eldar are capturing the good looking ones>Rubikon.2.0>Fire my mighty pulse carbine at the incoming Dark Eldar>Optics haven't been calibrated for combat>It makes the Bel'Gel look like trained snipers
>>61773787>Be cogboy>Dash into assigned bunk>Some other Tech-Priest is laying in my assigned bed>Shitshitshit.dataslate>Dash back the the door>Eldar lady is well within standard issued proximity allowance>See smells like fruits>Most people (servitors) I know just stink of burnt wires or grease>Eldar lady leans in>Wishes to know what the oil in my hands feels like>Asks if I could speak it on her back>Thoughts of the flesh skyrocket I maximal levels>Mumble something about heresy & to to storage shed>Pull out rod sprocket model 147>Begin apply oil & chanting to it's machine spirit>Greasing my rod always clears my head>Hear people shouting "They're here, they're here>Poke my head out & take a peak, holding my rod above my head in defense>See Dark Eldar land>It's one of the those days
>>61774901>Be Daemonette>Shit in the material starts going sideways >Typical...>Might as well try to use the psyker and keep them from popping>Put on calming but inspiring music to drown out the rest of the Warphttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eXq8wn1HF5E"There is no need for you to fear any longer child, for I am here!"
>>61774852>be watch captain>voxxed transmission comes in from Administratum desk jockey>a request from a rather uppity commissar that we deploy to the active combat zone>praise be!>tell tech-marine to prepare the drop-pod>reminds me were already on the planet>... feel slightly embarrassed for a moment before ordering the ramp be lowered>... ramp is already lowered>... forgot to shut it in my infinite boredom>Space Wolf is already running towards the camp>Lion damn everything!>orders rest of the kill-team regroup and deploy>reluctantly remind them to not engage the tau or the aeldari unless they seem to be the aggressors>collectivevoxsigh.wav>notices guardsmen digging trenches>Drukhari thots advancing>smiles beneath helmet
>>61775178>be me>warp screaming starts to fade again>praise_big_E.gif>some other shit comes on>some warp fuck is still talking>mentally shout "who the fuck are you?"... however that works
>>61775086>Be Commissar >Deldar comes in ready to capture or kill me>Guardsman comes in and backes her upside the head with his gun>K.O"What's your name guardsman?">"Biggus Dickus ma'am!">Snicker>"Ma'am I something wrong?""N-no, nothing! Go kill more xenos!">"Yes ma'am!">When he left I broke down laughing
>Get bored of laughing at all of these idiots going to go kill each other over nothing>Go grab one of the Craftworlders and one of the mon'keigh with the really big guns and sit up on top of the nearest building, cracking open a cold one>Shoot the shit about our huge guns>Incubus stops by and sits down, joins us for a drink while we watch all the bitches go nuts>Funniest shit I've seen in ages
>>61775304"LANGUAGE YOUNG ONE!">Psykers these days"The... Golden Mother has sent me, her angel, to help guild you through this tumultuous time!"
>>61775070>be Most Esteemed Captain Fren Lee Faya of the Marines Malevolent 4th Company>finally arrive in the system>Notice various ships of the Imperial Navy, Tau and Eldar near the orbit of the planet>suddenly Dark Eldar ships appear out of nowhere>thefuck.voxcast>primaris lieutenant tells me that they might have arrived for this peace treaty>don't listen to the fag because i know that Eldar only appear to raid>order chapter sla--- serfs to open fire on the Eldar ships.>Serf asks me which ones?>lookbarelycontainingrageandgenocide>chapter serfs open fire on all Eldar ships.
>>61775363>>61775236i'm back>be commisar>fucking biggus dickus>emperor save me where do this pepole come from>after a hearty laugh i get back to saving the techpriest>see space marines approach>deathwatch>iwashopingimperialfists.exe>tell them to join me>time to kick some DEldar's shit in
>>61775396>this fuck thinks they can tell me how to think>think "Firstly the emperor is a guy, secondly you can't police my fucking thoughts! So again, who the fuck are you?" at them
>>61775502>Uppetty bitch Psykers these days..."Look, do you want any help or not?"
>>61775496>At least it's not the black templars
>>61775536>think at this voice "alright fine I'll take the help">check above the trenches to see how close I am to being dead
>>61775603"Good, first we're going to need to pacify these sour elf bitches, and I have just the spell!""What do you know about Biomancy?"
>>61775603>Its a Gretchen reaching into your pocket>Have uncomfortably long eye contact>"Yew didunt see anyfing">It does a hand wave and scampers off>What was i doing again>Where is my dataslate?
>>61775660>you get the point this is telepathy "not really, haven't done much psyker stuff outside being told the future">on that note, try psyker stuff on the DEldar ship and hope for the best
>>61775699>be comissar>the marines and i start marching into the DEledar ship>suddenly some warpy shit>it felt extra heretical>what is that fucking grox-shit psyker doing
>>61775738>be psyker>have no idea what I'm doing
>Be salamander>Land on planet after getting reports of dark eldar>See deldar touching a pubecent boy>Slack her"WERE YOU TOUCHING THE CHILD?!">Holopic related
>>61775699"Well it's a good thing I'm a great teacher!">Start to work my way into the psykers hands to get the warp mojo going"Now I want you to focus on elf chest, picture them swelling, and chat 'Mammary Maximus!'">There might be some collateral damage to the non-sour flavor of elves, but that's not exactly a bad thing
>Be Anita Sarkeezian>Da Orkz say dat da scrap be on dat dere wurld. >dropallroks.waaagh>Dose gits down dere wont be mis-genderizing me an me Orkz ever again!
>>61775496>>61774960>>61775738>be watch captain>about to order charge before commissar motions us to follow her>assume she knows more about what the fuck is going on and ask her for a sitrep whilst following>vox transmission from ship master reports the arrival of the Marines Malevolent>ohgodemperorno not those asshats>hopefully they don't decide to bombard the camp from orbit>ignore it for now>now is the time for purging>approaching raider voidship>spot tech-priest waving around mechadentrites wildly whilst spraying oil at deploying Dark Eldar>okay...>order my assault specialist to aid the tech-priest>he's howling again as he jumpacks onto an approaching group of wyches power-axe charged>fuckingfurries>begin ascending the ramp with the commissar murdering our jolly way through these horrid sweat goblins, bolt rounds and plasma exploding them to charged bits, as chainswords and power weapons cleave them in twain>everything suddenly tastes purple>the fuck?>tentacles from nowhere begin trying to grab anything they canI've... seen enough heresy to know where this is going.
>be me>be dark eldar>look at new planet>tau, mon'keigh and craftworlders all working together>oh what the heck sounds fun>put on a clever disguise>tell mon'keigh I'm craftworlder>hang around commissar>gorge on souls like there's no tomorrow
>>61772915By the throne my sides
>>61775820>be Captain Fren Lee Faya of the Marines Malevolent 4th Company>Primaris Lieutenant reports me about the ground troops on the surface of the planet>IG, Eldar of both Flavors, Tau, DeathWatch, Salamanders...>wait.>hold up>Salamanders?>thefuck.voxcast>order Primaris Lieutenant to deep strike ASAP>those magma-drinking, civi-loving, grillers aren't taking away our glory>Hope they will kill the Primaris as soon as they see him>fuck that guy>never liked him or his kind>keeps complaining about civilian cassualties and "unnecessary collateral damage">thefuckthat'ssupposedtomean?
>>61775848>"no, fuck that.">focus as much psykerness into trying to warp those ships as I can
>>61775848>>61775891>>61775777>be comissar>i just wanted to fight xeno bitches>i didn't ask for fucking warp tentacles>one of them tries to undress me>cut it in half>scream at the marines to hold the line>bolt it to the trenches>i've finallyhadenough.emperor>as i get nearer the pskyer i try to scream welcome to your death or die heretic>scream "WELCOME TO DIE" instead>nailedit.comissar
>The little boy looks up at the SalamanderGee, Mister, you're really big! Are you a REAL Space Marine?Also, when those ladies were around me, it made me... feel funny... what does that mean?
>>61775991high heels on the battlefield/10
>Be Tzeench>Looking at what the humans are getting up to>Find this planet with humans, tau and eldar working together>odd. . .>Sense some slaaneshi energy>Somthing's up>See into future>ImenseDusgust.change>imedietly start making plans to keep the Slaaneshi future from happeningSlaanesh I know what you're up too and I will not let you get away with it!
>>61775991>confusedly stare at commissar>whisper "wait, she was in that thing?"
Can't wait for it to be revealed that Roboute is actually Alpharius/Omegon and its all his master scheme.
>Be Nurgle>Still trying to get Isha to admit her feelings for me, but I wont push it.>She will admit she loves me eventually.>Take a peek into the Material Realm>Humans, Eldar, and Tau are getting along>odd.warp>send some friends to investigate, also let Khorne know. I'm fairly sure Slaanesh might be behind this
>>61775960>>"no, fuck that.">Idiot psyker tries to shove Sour Elf ships into the warp by their lonesome"Well I tried to be nice...">Assumingdirectcontrol.png>Boot Psykers soul out of the body and stick myself in"Now then, TENTACLE LESBIAN TIME EVERYONE!">>61775891>>everything suddenly tastes purple>>the fuck?>>tentacles from nowhere begin trying to grab anything they can>I always get what I want>>61775991>>scream "WELCOME TO DIE" instead>OHSHIT!"Mammary Maximus!"
>Be Farseer >Feel a strange tingling sensation in my chest>look down>Thefuck.panic>Isha's Titanic Tits, my tits are fucking huge!
>>61775380>The Death Jester shook his head, then smashed the can he had just finished on his helmet. "Bets, gentlemen?">The Incubus crossed his arms and laughed. "Intense suffering. Everything on this planet's going to have a bad time, regardless of who they are. Except me. I'll be leaving these idiot whores to go train more at the nearest Incubus Temple.">The Guardsman belched, then laughed. "The Commissar's a bitch, but she's a tough bitch. She'll probably win with those there Deathwatch. Or we'll all get killed by the boys in space. Or maybe some sisters of battle will show up?">"What's the likelihood of MORE mon'keigh showing up? At this rate you might as well hope for those more chaos-inclined of your number to show up too," said the Craftworlder, swinging his hair to the side.>"One for general suffering, one for mon'keigh victory, and one for the forces of chaos," the skull-masked harlequin replied. "My bet is that it will be alright in the end. Don't look at me like that, as the most death-obsessed character here I'm required to look at the bright side whilst all of you moan and groan. It ought to be entertaining, at least.">The guardsman passed them all more to drink, each of them cracking open the cans.>"Yep.">"Mmhm.">"Yeah."
>>61776083>get kicked out of body>no, fuck that.>NOBODY BOOTS ME OUT OF MY OWN FUCKING BODY>try to warp my way back in and split whoever did that in half
>>61775942At least it's not the ultramarines
>>61776029>be comissar>heretic looks confused>getfucked.mp4>kick dirt into the psyker's face>as he goes down i kick him in the stomach too>he tries to get to justify himself>"TOO LATE,HERETIC">finally, i can BLAM again>in 3...2...1>*click*>it jammed>the bolt pistol fucking jammed>in all of my years of service it jams >to-fucking-day>what am i supposed to do now
>Be me>Ork Freeboota Kaptin Gitsmasha>hired mercenary for the blueberries on this panzee/humie/blueberry world>Stuck watching this >Watching all of this going on my Ork Killkroozer, which is parked on the other side of the planet's moon.>Want to get involved, but blueberries are payin' me an' da boyz good dakka to keep quiet.>DEldar are here>Lotz o' beakies are showing up now.>Must. Resist. Urge. To. WAAAAAAAAGH!!!
>>61776139Crush his head! With your thighs
>>61776156but anonthat's too lewd!
>>61776172Is it lewder than handholding?
>>61776142>Be Herald of Tzeentch>Get told we have to stop Slaanesh from turning an entire planet into a "Degenerate mess of Cancer">Odd word choice but reasonable I guess. . .>Get orders from Lord of change to convince Orks nearby to "WAAAGH">Start whispering to him to "WAAAGH" and that he'll get more "Dakka" by "WAAGHING"
>>61775891>>vox transmission from ship master reports the arrival of the Marines Malevolent>>ohgodemperorno not those asshats>>hopefully they don't decide to bombard the camp from orbit>establish voxcast with the Primaris Lt>Shit. the fucker is still alive>reports about the presanse of the xenos in the camp>order him to engage>tell the serfs to provide "support" via orbital bombardment>Danger Close>serf tells me that we might hit our own troops.>mfw that's the idea>tell the serf that Marines know the dangers and yada yada yada>OPEN FIRE NOW!!!
>>61776116>>Isha's Titanic Tits, my tits are fucking huge!>>61776148>needs image>Slaanesh Provides>>61776133>>try to warp my way back in and split whoever did that in half>Who the hell does this kid think they are?>>61776139>>"TOO LATE,HERETIC">>*click*>*Uncannily awkward smile*
>>61775991>>61776001>>61776070>>61776083>>61775942>>61776248>be watch captain>HERESY EVERYWHERE>begin blasting and slashing warp tentacles in addition to deldar deviants>sees one of the tentacles attempt to disrobe the commissar>I... try to look away as she frees herself, focusing more on the dark eldar thot I just stabbed>she shouts for us to hold the line as she runs back to trenches, obviously to restore troop morale>can't understand how's she able to run so well in such footwear>Space wolf gives her a wolf whistle killme as she goes, to which I give him a thump on the back of the helm>feel the ship start to move and order squad to the foot of the ramp >things begin to feel warpy... again>a flash of bright light explodes as a squad obnoxiously colored marines appears.>why are they so ta-... oh. Its one of those newbie marines>portals begin opening>bloodletters, pink horrors and plaguebearers all appear>feels like this has become a job more suited for the Ordo Malleus than us>vox transmission sounds about incoming fire support>I didn't or-...>GodEmperorDammit.pict>"FALL BACK AND REGROUP!"
>>61770013Female Tau look basically identical to male Tau, though. They're not remotely attractive to humans. (Like, Shadowsun is female, but she looks like a male Fire Warrior.)
>>61776324>this kid thinks they're a psyker with rights to have their body back>now keep trying to get control
>>61776324>be commisar>fuck this>rev up chainsword>suddenly the guy starts convulsing and screaming>he's possesed>fuckme.heretic>wait,if i kill him will the daemon come out>why did i skip daemon classes at the Schola>kick him in the balls>wait what's that noise>look at the ship>what the fuck is going on>it's full of warpy shit>have an idea>maybe i can get the daemon out if i throw the psyker in there>imagenius.warp>grab him by the waste
>>61776412>>this kid thinks they're a psyker with rights to have their body back>Riiiiiight...>>61776422>>kick him in the balls>FUCK!>THISISWHYIDON'TLIKETHOSE!!!>FUCK KID HAVE YOUR DAMN BALLBUSTED BODY BACK, I'M OUT!
>>61776324>>61776083>>61775991>>61775848>>61775660>>61775536>>61775396god i wish that were me
>>61776231>Be Ork Kaptin Gitsmasha>Hear "WAAAGH!!" "More Dakka" "WAAAGH!!" in my head>Ork Warphead Weirdboy Madgob suddenly smacks me in the head with his staff.>Weird green WAAAGH!!! light shoots from my head to his>"OI! WOT DA ZOG WUZ DAT FOR!?!">"Warpfing was runnin' itz gob in ya 'ead boss! Iz took care of it, see?! Now da warpfing's trapped in me noggin an' can't get out!">Zoggin' Madgob. The git isn't just a bloody warphead, sometimes I swear he's part madboy. >Well, at least I ain't hearin' no whispers in me 'ead now>........ Zog the blueberries. >"ROIGHT YA SORRY LOT! FIRE UP DA ENGINES! ITZ WAAAGH!! TIME!">Killkroozer 'Beakiekrusha' comes out from behind the moon and moves toward the Marines Malevolent's ship>"ROIGHT! LETZ RAM DA BEAKIES ROIGHT IN DERE 'URTY BITZ!!" >Slam my hands on both of the 'Big Red buttons'>'Beakiekrusha's afterburnas kick in and the killkrooza rockets straight toward the rear of the Marine Malevolent's ship, firing ALL of the dakka at... the ship's general direction. Pretty sure some of da kannons ended up bombarding the planet too, but who cares about the details!
>Be Guardsman>Manage to "escape" the terrifying Stalker Eldar>gonnabesoretomorrow.pain>Also deaf>Did wonders for my ego, admittedly.>Step outside just in time to see the shit truly begin to hit the fan>Climb into a nearby Chimera Transport and floor it for the frontline.>fastandfurious.zoom>Launch over a hill and find myself just about to hit a Space Marine>In yellow armor>I could see his surprise through his helmet>Give an involuntary wince as the front of the Chimera smashes him right in the face>ohshitshitshit.fuck>Scramble out and rush over to him. In too much of a panic, so I try to say "Are you okay? I'm fucking sorry!">Comes out as "ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY?!">nailedit.primer
>>61776375Oh the wonders of plastic surgery
>>61776543ALWAYS ANGRY, ALL THE TIME
>>61776375>Female Tau look basically identical to male Tau, though.>>61776564>Oh the wonders of plastic surgeryLIES!They are descended from Space Bovines!
>be cogboy>See innocent tech priest between the dark Eldar Invaders & the trenches>She's spraying oil, must have been attacked!>Warp fuckery everywhere>Charge forth to save techgrlll>Use my sprocket rod model 147 to strike the metal plating of the ramp>Spark fly & ignite the oil>Burning Dark Eldar Invaders will the Omnisiah's oil>Grab techgrlll in my strong mechadendrites>
>>61776513>>61776422>get back into body>feel exactly what made the daemon leaveUhh... commissar, I think you just nutshot the daemon out of possession...
>>61776533>Be Herald of Tzeentch>Get trapped in an ork psykers head>Freakout calling out to higher powers for salvation>Nothing>have a mental breakdown for a while>realize that the orks are invading the planet>releif.plans>Try talking the ork into letting me out of his cranium
>>61776564>Be Primaris Marine>Due to an error in paperwork, I get stuck with those Marines Malevolent cunts>Apparently, the excommunicae traitoris accidentally went to some group called the Lamenters instead of them>I get sent down to the planet surface ahead of the older M&Ms>shit_going_down.vox>there's some Deathwatch marines, three different Chaos God's daemons, and some kind of tentacled alien burrowing out of the ground, all while terrified soldiers attempt to dig a trench>oh, and a bunch of Tau, Aeldari and Drukhari females running around, grasping their chests and screaming>then, the fucking orbital bombardment begins>turn to try and see whether the shells are landing on our side, or the enemies'>THEN_THE_WINGED_HUSSARS_ARRIVED.astropath
>Be Guardsman.>Finally come to after smoking some strange lho-stick the Tau gave me.>Hear combat outside.>Fuckingfinally.jpeg.>Exit barracks ready to kill xenos scum.>WHATTHEFUCK.>Literally all of reality has broken loose. You name it, it's here and feeling no fear. >Naked commissars, oil wrestling between Admech and DEldar, Craftworlders and Tau showing teamwork with a Salamander? Marine Malevolent and Angry Marines? Chaos all over, Orks and a Necron staring at the wrestling match doing.... something I didn't know they could do, and that will haunt me for the rest of my days. >Beer can falls next to me.>Look up, find a fellow guardsman, a Harliequin, and an Incubus? chugging beers. >Guardsman asks what I'm doing.>Tell him I'm getting on that roof and there had better be more beer.>Climb on up, crack a cold one. >Harlie asks me if I'm having a good time. >Think for a moment, considering the massive shitstorm happening below and the fact I still have a soul. >"Yes. Yes I am.".
>>61776513>>61776543>>61776629>be comissar>the psyker finally stopped thrashing and convulsing>must've that purple mist that came out of him>as we're walking he jolts awake>>Uhh... commissar, I think you just nutshot the daemon out of possession...>wait what>"What in the emperor's name are you saying">fuck it i'm rolling with it>"Anyways, now that you aren't possessed, little heretic,you'll regain your honor in the warp infested ship">"Comply or i'll finish the job with a chainsword">i love my job
>>61776688To be honest I'm kinda glad I failed what I was trying there now, would be hard to explain how I'd accidentally blow up a ship with the commissar inside>comply anyway, try warp ship into exploding
>>61776679>Be augmetic arm guardsman>Some serious warp fuckery is happening>Fuck it>I'm about to die anyways>Frab the nearest female>It's a deldar wych>Pull her close and start sucking face>Heresy.heresy
>>61776633>Be "Possessed" Warphead Weirdboy Madgob>Have a Herald of Tzeentch stuck in my head>its panicking and calling for calling for its daddy>ItdontknowGorknMorkizbest.greenskin>Tzeentchdemon calms down suddenly>wot.zog>Tries to talk me into letting it out.>Open mouth to tell it's stuck in there, end up spewing a blast of WAAAGH!!! energy that fries a couple of grots on the bridge>Whoops.pict
>>61776679>Be Tzeench>Look at planet again>Unsetled.chaos>The situation is getting worse>Plans are already failing>Develop new plans>Send a message to Nurgle and Khorne about what Slaanesh is doing and to offer some territory on the planet after conquering it>Start organizing an army to invade and stop Slaanesh>There is no possible way this can go wrong
>>61776748>Be Drukhari wych>Got grabbed by a mon'keigh>He kissed me>Sloppy make out style>I have found my sla- husbando
Comissar heregotta sleep
>Be Warboss Anita Sarkeezian>Rok suksesfuly crashes into da foight>Turn to da gretchin dat flew us dere and thank zhir>Put on me Foightin' Glassez, style muh hair an' make sure it's da roight colur>Charge as soon as oi'z ready>WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH.sjw
>>61776779>Be Slaanesh>One of those Nice fuckups tried to lesbify some mortals>Rest of the Warp loosing it shit>And they wonder why I keep those benevo-cucks around
>>61776364>>61776533>Be Imperial Navy Captain Jack Harkness>Commanding Naval frigate 'The Imperium's Bosom' that's transporting a small order of Sisters of Battle to, and I'm quoting Lord Roboute Guilliman himself directly: "Help ease tensions between the Imperium and our new Xenos allies.">Not the weirdest orders I received in my career, let me tell you!>Ship drops out of warp and the first thing I see when the planet comes into view is a bunch of wrecked Eldar ships in orbit and a huge Ork ship ramming an Astartes vessel right up figurative bum while firing all its weapons, half of which seem to be hitting.>Squadbroken.voxpict>"I... should probably notify the Adeptus Sororitas of the situation."
>>61776763>Be Herald of Tzeentch>Realize there's no way out as he fries some grots with WAAAGH fire>Freak out some more>Decide to try and force my way out with the powers of change and mutation>pleasework.mutation
>be me>exalted sorceror of slaanesh>bout to fuck up the days of some guards>sitting in the back line, ritual shit set up>a couple of acolytes fucking around in the background while i prepare my grand spell>raise arms and chant some warp shit>crsecendo"Mammary Maximus!">purple light cascades over imperial army, picking out any female without any sort of warp resistance.
How is it you guys never get tired of this? Yeah the first thread of this was fun awesome and epic on a level than surpasses mere words... But after the thousandth time of trying to recapture that past glory, hasn't it dawned on you that perhaps you are trying too hard, and that you will never be part of that moment in time?Don't get me wrong, I'm all for you having fun and enjoying yourselves. If you truly enjoy this then more power to you. But are you really doing this out of enjoyment? Or is this a sad attempt to cling to the coat-tails of past giants? Perhaps your efforts and creativity would be better suited towards creating something new? Or maybe reboots, deconstructions, and re-imaginings are all that is left...
>>61776948I'm just havin' fun...
>Slaaneshi shit involved for more than a few secondsThread was ruined long ago.
>>61776984Your face is ruined...
>>61776948There was another greentext thread about a ton of sexually frustrated 40k races all on one planet?
>>61776888>Be Warphead Madgob>Suddenly feel funny. >zoggingwarpfingsuptonogood.gork>Steps off bridge and smacks myself in the head with my staff to try and you make it stop.>"Now see here Mister Warp Creature-">WOTDAZOG.greenskin>claps hand over mouth>Notice I have a huge handlebar mustache somehow.>Starts smacking my head against the ship bulkhead while bellowing inside my head 'WOT DA ZOG DID YA DO TO ME GOB YA RUNTY WARPFING!?!'
>>61776984>>61776991>Your face is ruined...BUURN!
>>61776948I'm not doing this because I miss the old shit, and I'm not doing this because I couldn't do something else. The thread was up so it was convenient for me to writefag a little, and it's either this or one of the many threads complaining about something or other, in which there's nothing but people tossing boomer memes and >summer detected around. I already go to the roll threads and help out, I already go to the random worldbuilding questions, the various generals. Now back to the regularly xenophilia.
Before some cold shoulder fuckery happens, lets all agree to not do time travel bullshit or crossovers
>Be Little Timmy>Still wandering around the area, unsupervised>Seeing all these pretty ladies makes me feel weird, but in a good way
>>61777094Impossible, smaller than average Timothy is with the salamander marine
>>61777107Well, he's in good hands then!
>Me Urg>Me ogryn>Am play with grey pointy ears>Pick one up>Start petting her>Hair is soft>Pet harder>Crack>Pointy ear am broken>Pick up another and pet him>Crack>Pet more grey pointy ears
>>61776948Primaris M.M. and newfag here. What exactly are we copying?
>>61777146Just think of the rabbits, Lenny...
>>61777152Its pretty much cold shoulder: the reckoning
>>61776679>Be roof Guardsman.>Watching an Angry Marine chop a daemon in half, followed by an amazing riposte against an Ork. >Angry Marine screams "ALWA-->Gets cut off by a Salamander giving him a pimp slap.>Salamander: "Shut the fuck up".>Staggered by a Salamander swearing, it takes a moment to realize everyone is staring at me.>ahshit.fucked.>Harlie says to me "We have a problem, and it's a serious one. One of life and death." >Check for xenos, daemons or a Marine Malevolent. Find none. >Harlie notices. He pronounced the dire news "We're out of beer".>"Send the new guy".>Notice the new guy brought a plasma rifle. My lasgun is behind him. Didn't realize how big that barrel is on the plasma gun. >FNG says "This says you're going on a beer run".>Accept my fate, hope the Emperor protects. >"Hope you're a good shot, FNG".>"Why?".>"Because you shooting me in the head if this goes tits up is my backup plan.".>Climb down.
>>61777018>Be Herald of Tzeentch>Mutation isn't setting me free but it's making the ork less brutish>Thats ok I guess, the mustache does look nice on him>Get a psychic slam from the magic staff once he realizes what I'm doing>Fuck that hurt>He starts to slam his head into a metal wall while screaming so loud I can't even hear my own thoughts>Feel every impact against the cranium>Birdscreaching.caw>Cease mutation and start pleading for him to stop>Imaterial head feels like it's getting skull fucked by a Bloodletter>
>>61777245I didn't need that image in my head
>>61777306I never knew how much I needed it!
>>61777306future art inbound I can sense it
>>61776871>>61776920>Be Battle Sister Miranda of the Order of the Vermillion Warrior>Stuck on this throne-forsaken frigate with the rest of my order heading to a world occupied by vile xenos that we have to 'help ease tensions with'.>With what? Their men?>None of their men can compare to the God-Emperor of Mankind!>thisisabsoluteheresy.faith>suddenly feel a strange tingling sensation in my chest.>look down>My tits are suddenly huge now, and my somehow my power armor isn't about to bust open>WhatInHolyTerra.heresy
>>61776645>>61776871>>61776688>>61776719>be watch captain>TACTICALLY RETREATING to a safer position>see the Primaris lad staring back at the display of death from above>"Don't just stand there cousin, fall back!">these lads, I swear>see a great many things on way back to the trenches... most of them heretical>a guardsmen and aeldari enjoying refreshments>a guardsmen and a drukhari... um...>note to self: book a session with the mind cleanser>Wait, whose this other yellow fellow?>When did the Salamanders show up?>Is that a child?!>distracted by Space-Corgi sprinting by with two tech-priests over his shoulder>see commissar and what looks like an Astra Telepathica adept begin to step out of the trench>strongly recommend that they get back in until the firestorm stops>we jump into the trench, reload our weapons and wait until the ground stops shaking>get voxxed by an oddly suave sounding naval captain as to what in the warp is happening down here and if its as crazy as it is up there>take a good long look around, choosing my words carefully to describe the untold chaos and insanity unfolding before responding>"Oh, you know... the usual... How are you?">nailedit.codexthat all for now. Will come back to this later if its up
Hope OP knows how to link threads to keep the story's alive
>>61777245>Be Warphead Weirdboy Madgob>Stop bellowing internally at daemon and recoil in confusion and disgust at the sudden shared mental image of said daemon getting skull-zogged by a bloodletter>blurt out "What the devil?!">GorkIhatedidstupidvoice.ork>think internally 'You izn't wun o' dem Slaanesh boyz gitz iz ya? Iz hates dat lot!"
>>61777542Just how big is your boner, Daemonette? I mean, I can understand why you'd have one, Big Tiddie Sororitas and all...
>>61777505I don't but I'll try to not fuck it up
>>61777509>Be Herald of Tzeentch>Head pain is immense>Ork asks me if I'm a Slaanesh Daemon>"W-what, No i'm not a filthy Slaanesh daemon!">Attempt to clear mind but my head is in way too much pain to think properly>Image remains along with feeling>Begin to pray for salvation and to get this Slaanesh tainted thought out of my head
>>61777474>be primaris marine>get smashed in the face by a flying chimaera>black out for a moment, come to with a broken jaw & a half-naked guardsman screaming "ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY?" directly in my face>uwotm8.dataslate>see the Deathwatch squad tactically retreating>ignore the clearly deranged guard, try to stand up>the chimaera is pinning me to the ground>try to vox the other marines for help, realize my helmet's comms are out of order>have to scream through a mouthful of my own teeth and blood, with fragments of bone poking through my gums & scratching my tongue>applying all of my willpower, I manage to get out the barest hint of an intelligible statement>BRUVA I AM PINNED HERE! BRUVA, I AM HIT!
>>61777609>Just how big is your boner, Daemonette? I mean, I can understand why you'd have one, Big Tiddie Sororitas and all..Technically I don't have one currently, I'm just giddy at the use of my incapacitating, bust enhancing spell affecting them!
>>61777609>Tfw no big tittied goth sororitas gf
>>61777474>Be Naval Captain Jack Harkness>Standing on the bridge of my ship, staring at my voxspeaker in disbelief as a Space Marine captain explains the situation>takes a minute to process this information>Ihavethestrangestbonerrightnow.voxpict>Suddenly gets a call from the assembly bay that all the Adeptus Sororitas are having their bosoms suddenly growlarger>whatinthethrone.terra>Also>MAXIMUMERECTION.praise.heresy?>"Helm, get us down to that planet immediately! I don't care if you have to ram the Ork and Astartes ships out of the way, just get us (mainly me) down to that planet!"
>>61777663if I'm correct you just put down the new thread post number in the old thread for people to findIf I'm wrong can someone correct my errors to ensure that this story doesn't fall short?
>>61777784Got it backwards, bucko. You put the old post number in the new thread so newcomers can figure out what's what.
>>61777738And with that contribution, I will be calling it a night. Will continue in the morning if the thread is still up.>>61777823Well, he's correct for those who have this thread pinned or something and want to catch up to the next thread instead of browsing the catalog.
>>61777848Alright, I guess OP & I had two pieces of the puzzle. Redirect to the new thread in the old one, and a redirect to the old thread in the new one.
>>61777866What should we call thing clusterfuck of a story? I'm thinking Failed Deplomacy or something like that
>>61775070I think Captain Fren Lee Faya had the right idea about what to call this thread.>>61777895
>>61777910Everyone say hi to Neckbeardia!>>61777932Eh, I think >>61777895 has a better name for this
>Be daemonette>About to skull fuck a human>"Hey!">Look behind me>It's a black human"You daddy lesbian!!">Bursts into flames
>Be Cogboy>Things have gotten so much worse>Drop the techgirl in the trenches will the commissary, she'll know what to do>Commissars tits are huge>Thank the Omnissiah I have cyber eyes>Save file under "steel is strong but flesh has it's perks">Flee into the Mechanicus part of the compound>Find the garage>Pass up the Tau girls still playing in oil>Their tits are huge now>Snap a picture with my cyber eyes for later>Searching for the top secret project>Find it just where I left it>Pull back the tarp of Armiger Titan>Let's hope my Logistic implant remembers how to pilot this>Plug in>ITLIVES.11001001111>Machine spirits sing Wagner as I blow through the door
>>61777955That poor guardsman, he never SAW her CUMMING!
>>61777676>Be Warphead Madgob>Gork's teeth, now the daemon's praying for salvation from its god>Youznotaverybrightgrot.glyph>Now the feeling is in MY head too>Clutch head in pain and clutch a large red cable on the wall as my eyes go green with Waaagh!! energy>"WAAAAGH!!!" >Ship suddenly surges forward as I accidentally send a wave of WAAAAGH!!! energy straight to the ship engines>Beakiesmasha penetrates the Marines Malevolent's ship right up through it's engine block prow-first.>The Krooza's is now "wearing" Captain Fren Lee Faya's ship like one o' dem stretchy things humies put around their 'urty bitz' before 'fun time'>ZogginUnorkybloodaxesknowtoomuch.squig>Look out window and see mess I just caused>"I say! This was certainly unexpected!"Gonna throw a post up for the Ork Kaptin and then call it a night myself
>>61777988Guardsman Carlos please report for BLAMing
>>61777996>be me>Captain Fren Lee Faya of the Marines Malevolent, 4th company>raining ammunition down on blueberries, torture elves, elfy elves, IG, civilians, and most importantly, on those goddamn squares, the Primaris cunts>feelsgoodman>suddenly the floor beneath me is now another ship's prow>the orks that were starting a boarding action have just deep struck into our ship's backside, and deep down I know that somewhere in the warp, Slaanesh is laughing herself to tears>feel the shelling cease, probably as explosive decompression kills most of our serfs> overload the barely contained warp drive to make an improvised nuke & prepare for an emergency evacuation into the warzone
>Be Farseer>Dammit, my armor isn't meant for a bust this size!>Okay, what are my options?>Stick with the Tau?>No, they're sluts. I have dignity, thank you very much.>Druchii?>Double nope. I shouldn't even have to explain.>Guess I'm hanging with the Mon'Keigh.>Ishaguideme.rune
>>61778044>be Guardsman Carlos>nearly blew my torso in half with a faulty lascharge, got molested by a xenos, got attacked by FUCKING DARK ELDAR, and crashed my chimaera into one of the Emperor's angels of death>fuckmylife.png>I get attacked by a daemonette, but my lasgun kinda melted itself earlier - things are just breaking around me today for some reason>I have nothing to protect myself with at this point but my words>after everything that's happened today, I can't even remember the Macharian prayer or anything from the Lectitio Divinatus>I blurt out the only thing I can think of right now, some stupid line from when I was still in school>IT FUCKING WORKS>I say "your daddy lesbian" and the crab-claw bitch just disappears>things are looking up, until I hear the Commissar call my name from the trenches...
>Be Eldar>See Banchee Exarch leave her barracks looking rather pleased>Don't tell me>She noticed me looking>"Those mon'keigh are fucking great, I don't care what the farseer says.">You raging slut
>>61777996>>61778075>>61777474>>61777738>Be Freeboota Kaptin Gitsmasha>I think I may have hit the Da Red Button too hard.>Beakiesmasha is now IN da beakie ship.>Some git out in the Warp is getting a real laff at this, I just know it.>Suddenly one of the madboyz on the bridge starts yelling at me that he just detected a massive spike in the beakie's Warp drive. He's rambling about how they're overloading their warp cores to detonate like a gargantuan improvised explosive device.>Smack madboy and tell him to speak properly>"DEYZ GONNA MAKE DER SHIP GO BOOM AN' TAKE US OUT WID 'EM!!">Much better>...Ohsquigshit.glyph>Grab my voxspeaka and start bellowing at all the boyz to make for the drop-pods, cause we have a WAAAGH!!! to finish while I try and get Beakiesmasha to pull out.>Some smart-gobbed git asks which ones.>"THE BEAKIE'S DROP-PODS YA DUNG-BRAINED GROT! DA GITZ ON DA SURFACE WILL NEVAH SEE IT COMING!!"Welp, that's all for me tonight boyz! Hope to catch you guys tomorrow!
>Be guardsman>Driving a Leman Russ at top speed>Blaring an old Terran song through the speakers>"You've been...">Run over a Ork nob>"THUNDERSTRUCK!!">FuckYes.primer>The others in the tank are either drunk, a Tau, head banging to the song, or drunk>Song ends>New song>"Do do do do...">Run over a horde of gretchin>"Another one bites the dust">I fucking love being in the imperial army!
>>61778266>Pilots and driver's blaring music during battlesI like this
>>61777957>>Commissars tits are huge>>Pass up the Tau girls still playing in oil>>Their tits are huge now"Yes, yes... Grow my pretties!">>61778094>>Dammit, my armor isn't meant for a bust this size!"Come on deary, pop that top!""Those wraithbone wraps are going to pulverize your puppies if you don't let those dogs out..."
>>61778075>mfw somebody is impersonating me.
>>61778266>Be Guardsman>Driving a Chimera that has a suspiciously Space Marine shaped dent in the front>Oh well, not my problem>Load a bunch of the lads into the back and floor it>The ride was kinda boring, until we got near a Leman Russ blasting music>Dig through the glovebox and find a dust covered disc.>worthashot.vox>The disc is accepted by the machine spirit, a low rumbling is felt before the Chimera gains speed at an alarmingly exponential rate as an old song begins to play>I don't know what it is, but it's fucking awesome>THROUGH_THE_GATES_OF_HELL.primovictoria
>>61778075>Be the real OG Captain Fren Lee Faya of the Marines Malevolent 4th Company>slap the Sergeant Cass Ual Ty in the back of his head with a powerfist for impersonating me. Again.>order to overload the warp drive and evacuate all the Whirlwinds we can.>Tell Sergeant Cass Ual Ty to prepare my Terminator Armor>be ANGRY>scrtatch that>BE MALEVOLENT
>>61778296>Be Farseer>Desperately trying to ignore the cat-calling>I must admit, I do kind of enjoy the way the Mon'Keigh males are watching me...>Ishapleasehelpcontainmybosom.singingspear
>>61772172>no obvious warp-fuckery going on, thankfullyguardsmen have no clue about the warp, anon; is this an inquisitor in disguise?
>be Captain Fren Lee Faya.>be hating Segeant Cass Ual ty>the fucker always wants to replace me.>worse than that>he's a brown-noser
>Meanwhile in the warp>"I, Catto Sicarius, shall lead us into battle on this planet! For it is in desperate need of I, Catto Sicarius, to save it!!">Ultra Marines have to ruin everything
>>61778266>Be cogboy>Stomping around in Armiger>autocannons give good vibrations>Switch STD formatted "eight track" to a chant written by Tech-Priests of the Black Sabbath & their appreciation of being a man of iron>Loose meltagun on all signs of daemon>Salamanders should like that move>Get a blip on my auspex>Look up to see a Battle Barge being fucked by Orkish heresy & breaking atmo with it's Warp engines sputtering
>Be Ultramarine>Be named Brother Vader>Mac Daddy Calgar is pissed at me because I delayed a Battle Barge on its way to a battle for some donuts>mmmmmdonuts.nom>I can deal with getting yelled at, but him calling me fat is just hurtful...>I'm a stress eater, what can I say?>Anyway, we get orders to go to some planet that is trying a "Peace Mission" or something between Imperial Forces, the Eldar, and a bunch of Tau.>I wonder if I'll be able to get a GF like Big Bobby G?>As the klaxons signal our arrival, I make my way to the armory>Well... I stop by the commissary first.>Need butter to squeeze into my armor.>notmakingthatmistakeagain.codex
>Be Captain Fren Lee Faya>order for all my brothers(even the Sergeant Cass Ual Ty) to deep strike at the last known postition of the Primaris cunts>fuck>be crying underneath the helmet>My Ship>My Pride>My Resposibility>Collateralis Dampnum is going down>hold on the ship as long as i can>teleport to Primaris LT coordinats.
>>61778535>be Captain Fren Lee Faya>hope to telefrag the Primaris LT cunt>Fuck>missed>teleported 2 meters above him
>be me>a skittle>not told to fight so continues creatingsocial interaction>with the wall>I think they're into me>someone help
>Be Por caste>I seem to be the only one of us who was not suddenly blessed with FUCKHUEG tits>lifeissuffering.aunva>They even forgot to give me implants on the way here...>Fuck it, I'm going to show them all that Flat is Justice!
>be me>be custodes>clean up the imperial palace>wipe down the golden throne>hug daddy>go to astronomicon gate thingy (idk man, them grand halls aint moppin themselves) after shift>watch literal war and peace unfold in real terran timesuch is the life as the emperors caretaker
>>61778432>be Sergeant Cass Ual Ty>Alfa Legion infiltrator trying to subvert a chapter of Space Marines to the service of chaos>Occasionally impersonate the captain in an attempt to order his men into doing something that'll set them down the slow path towards excommunicae>not only is there nothing I can order that he wouldn't also order, but the atrocities they commit are as overlooked by Imperial command as they are by the Marines - these sick fucks have a casual disdain for the servants of the Imperium that almost makes me want to go back to protecting the ungrateful little shits>got slapped with a powerfist for trying to order the Marines Malevolent to destroy the new Primaris in the squad with "friendly" fire, then got slapped when I tried to eliminate the orkish threat to the chaos incursion below>mfw both of these actions happen anyway on the captain's orders, and I know that they won't do a damn thing to get these fuckers kicked out of the Imperium
>>61777738>Be Battle Sister Miranda>You know, having huge tits isn't such a bad thing. Power armor still fits. Mostly. >Even some of the usually bitchy goth-inclined Sisters aren't complaining too loudly about this>PleaseBeBlessingsFromtheEmperor.faith>Nearly fall over as the frigate suddenly lurches forward>WhatintheEmperor'sname.vox>Hear the the captain is making all due haste for the planet, because war has broken out again>Emperor be praised! I can finally start purging xenos again!!
>>61778607Don't care for tits, ass is important.
>>61778566>be LT Primaris cunt>still have a smashed helmet, a broken jaw, and be stuck in a dent in the front of a chimaera>IT'S MOVING AGAIN & POWER METAL IS BLARING>feel an ork splatter across my body, only know it's an ork because he tumbles over me & rolls across the hood of the chimaera>suddenly, the captain is here, hanging a few meters above my head in midair
>>61778616>be Captain Fren Lee Faya>never doubt Sergeant Cass Ual Ty>is the most loyal brother of my entire company>be stealing his ideas in order to get a chance to become the next Chapter Master>fuck>it's a good thing that once he became a Sergeant he will never will be able to get a promotion
>>61778664>be Captain Fren Lee Faya>land on the Primaris LT>good>let the cunt suffer>his body softened the landing>get up>fucking cunt is still alive even after i landed on him in full Terminator suit>offer my hand and tell him>"Get up, my BROTHER. We have a war that needs to won and a ship that needs to be avenged"
>Be Guardsman Medic>Be sitting in a foxhole, making a guy feel a bit more comfortable as he dies>I'm not a surgeon, I can only do so much>Nearly jump out of my skin as some flat chested Tau kicks open a nearby door>I can only watch in awe as she strides out into the open, turns around, and starts shaking her bountiful ass>Seriously>Tau Twerking>Start recording it because I have nothing better to do>She'll either continue to shake that blueberry ass, or she'll get shot. Either way it makes for good video.>questionableethics.primer
>>61778444>>I must admit, I do kind of enjoy the way the Mon'Keigh males are watching me...>Gonna fix that eventually...>>61778607>>Fuck it, I'm going to show them all that Flat is Justice!"HERESY!!!">>61778626>>PleaseBeBlessingsFromtheEmperor.faith>This girl gets it!
>>61778718>be LT Primaris>Captain Faya lands on top of the chimaera that's currently plowing through hordes of enemy combatants>manages to kick me in the face with both feet by sheer luck, knocking a fistful of my already broken teeth in the back of my throat>once more, I declare through my mouthful of blood and teeth, "BRUVA I AM PINNED HERE!">Captain looks down at my head poking over the edge of the moving tank, then sticks his hand out to me, telling me to get up>I'm fucking sick of his shit, what kind of joke is this!?>muster my willpower to speak through a broken jaw & vox again>You dare? YOU DAAARE!?
>>61778724>Plan to seduce gue'vesa complete>Now to complete it>Run up to him>Hold his hand>According to our research this is lewd to them
>Be lord of change>Situation is continuously leaning into Slaanesh's favor as time passes>Herald has been trapped in an Ork psyker's mind, poor bastard>Ork's won't be enough to stop this>Start leading an army of Daemons and Tzeench followers to clean this mess up>Use warp energy around the planet to start making a gateway with cultists doing rituals>Daemons are bitching that this chaos energy is Slaaneshi tainted>It'swarpenergyyouretards.plan>Tell them to stop acting like picky children and take look through the forming portal>See various females who's bosoms and posteriors have altered due to Slaanesh warp fuckery>Uncomfortably erect with mixed feelings and trying to make sure no one notices>Tzeench help me, this is getting too spicy
>>61778818>be me >be Captain Fren Lee Faya>i think i'm starting to like this Primaris LT>i think he starts to realise what it means to be a Malevolent
>Be the mother fucking Emperor of Mankind>Be in perpetual agony>Be bored>These fucking nude grease goblins are driving me to tears>Which is amazing because I physically can't cry>Use psychic powers to watch a random planet in the middle of the bumfuck nowhere space>Massive fucking war>ForFucksSake.Pain>Sense that bird fucker Tzeench planning something>Collects as much psychic power as I can and stab the Daemon coordinator in the face>That aught to teach him>Also used the rest of it to assist the humans and their xeno allies>Dont know what I did because super migraine>My nose still itches
>>61778899>Be Isha>Be in perpetual agony due to Nurgle's expriments>tfw no mon-keigh chad to save me>were are you, my Emperor
>Be cogboy>See Ork & Marine clusterfuck coming in for a crash>Marines are dropping right on top of their own>Astartes doctrine is strange>See Orkboys jumping from their ship>Those that flap their arms seem to fall slower>What in the Omnissiah's heresy is that shit?>Autocannon is just getting warmed up tho>Flying orks are easy targets>Give them the "dakka" they crave
>be eldar farseer>just woke up, feeling like shit>Get up, dressed and head out for what the mon'keigh call "coffee">Walk outside>Chaos everywhere>Not daemonic chaos just...regular chaotic cluster of arguments and relations>Slaanesh has already gotten its dirty mitts in the heat of things>Orks too from passing word>I just want to get a god damn coffee and get my "emperor praise" out of the way>Annnnd some of the guardsmen start staring at my rack>damn pervertsIn other news, this human-eldar truce isn't going as tits up as I thought, could have been worse...
>>61778889>be me, Sergeant Cass Ual Tee>come out the other side of the teleporter inside a moving tank, for some reason>I push my way past some terrified guardsmen and xenos, trying to ignore the raucous metal they're playing, as only the most ominous of organ music can bring a smile to my face>poke my head out of the hatch, and see the captain sitting on top of the metal box while a Primaris Lieutenant screams at him in frothing rage>"I can totally use this to foment rebellion within the Primaris ranks!">then I remember that I/Captain Fren Lee Faya had almost all of them killed with the macrobatteries not even an hour ago>fuckmylife.heresy
>>61778983Can you blame them? You got a damn fine rack.
>>61778983More "tits out" than anything
>Be Chapter Master Balus of the Sons of the Phoenix>Originally was sending my chapter to this planet on request from Lord Guilliman and Pater Cawl to settle some sort of event known as a peace conference>Our role quickly changed when we reached our location>Planet is a seething pile of warp abominations and xenos all over the area>Keep getting reports that local imperial forces are for some reason distracted by the increasing size of allied females breasts >Along with the general fact that daemons are running around the area from what started as a Dark Eldar raiding party>But worse of all, some deviant on the planet dares to desecrate one of the purest things in this imperium with tentacles yuri >Order my brothers to get the pods ready and to bring the sacred instruments and texts for we shall show these foolish mortals what true purity is, along with patrician taste in music
>>61778983Um farseer, one of the Banchee exarchs layed with the mon'keigh she was stalking.
>Be Nurgling>Doin' some 'splorin because it's fun!>See a bunch of people having a load of fun in the distance>One of them looks a lot like Papa Nurgles' wife!>Oh, I know! I'll draw the pretty lady a picture!>Papa Nurgle always said to be nice to girls!
>>61778653>>Don't care for tits, ass is important.>As much as there is some truth to this, tits are going to be a big and getting bigger issue>Mammary Maximus is a spell suppose to keep them growing as long as you put energy into it>That shitty Psykers meat was all wrong for me to bump the Sour Shits up a cup size, but someone hijacked the spell and pumped WAY more power into it>>61778827>>Daemons are bitching that this chaos energy is Slaaneshi tainted>*Daemonic Giggling Intensifies*>>See various females who's bosoms and posteriors have altered due to Slaanesh warp fuckery>...Wait... whose behind the gluteal gains?!>>61779034>>But worse of all, some deviant on the planet dares to desecrate one of the purest things in this imperium with tentacles yuri>BUT IT'S TENTACLE YURI YOU DANG CHICKENS!!!
>>61779047Little one, why aren't you covered in shit? Its cold out their you might get healthy!
>>61779056He's deaf now
>>61779012>be me >be Captain Fren Lee Faya.>Somehow that brown-noser Cass Ual Ty teleported inside of a metal box>the fuck? Didn't i tell him to evacuate in drop pods?>speaking of which...>look up>see dozen of Drop Pods as well as Thunderhawks carrying Whirlwinds>i don't like how fast they're droping>i don't like that they're falling in my direction>yell to fucking scatter or be crushed
>>61779079Well, yeah. That's how you know he did a damn good job.
>>61778818>Be Khorne, sitting on skull throne>Here my brothers making a fuss>Turn my eye to some shithole planet that was trying to "make peace" the idea makes me rage>See all Chaos has broken loose>Slaanesh has gotten here before me, it snacks of his influence>Seek to turn this to my advantage>Find the soul of a Space Marine, one of the "new" ones is currently trapped under a bit of the Anathema's machinery>Whisper to him to embrace his rage>Tell him I can help get him free, he must only spill blood
>>61779014I'd rather that guardsmen didn't use the term "rack" to describe any part of me, thanks>>61779042I've noticed, now get to fixing it please. Especially those Tau, they don't even look like they're doing any work>>61779026If he consents, it's fine, if not, send her to me for disciplineNow where's my damn coffee?
>>61779122>If he consents, it's fine, if not, send her to me for disciplineW-what?
>>61779084>be Sergeant Cass Ual Tee, not Ty you illiterate corpescuck>Hear the Captain scream for everyone to scatter or get crushed, look up and see steel rain at terminal velocity>I send a short order out on his vox channel to tell the men to slow their descent and alter their course, and get a mixture of "at once captain's" and orkish shouting in response>Forgive me, Emperor, for I have sinned...
>Be me>A Scintillan midhiver turned refugee turned guardsman, far from home after a warp transit that threw me over two centuries into the future>Got a good deal, once I have worked enough to pay for my equipment I will start to get paid in cash>One day, I'll have enough money to pay for my trip back, seeing as the Calixis sector didn't fall, against all the odds>but of course, it had to be an assignment like this>hunker down in trench, trying to ignore these aliens' wiles and the daemonic fuckery and focus on killing anything that tries to kill me>I should have never left home, at least I could have had a normal war>Why couldn't it have been a normal war, Emperor?
>Be Guardsman driving the Power Metal blasting Chimera>Blissfully unaware of the wounded Marine stuck on my ride>I feel a strange sensation>It's like a call from the distant past>I look to my right and see a stetson hat sitting on the seat next to me>fuckyeah.vox>Put it on and crack open a cold beer>Chimeras always have a stash of the stuff, it's fucking great>Hit shuffle on the musicvox>5TH_OF_MAY_V-DAY'S_JUST_AROUND_THE_CORNER.itter>Smash into some gretchin as we ride. Gotta get the boys to the front line!
>>61779140Damned warp net mixing up my replies, THE BANSHEE, DID THE MAN SHE LAY CONSENT? AND HURRY UP WITH THAT COFFEE
>>61779165> DID THE MAN SHE LAY CONSENT?Define "consent"
>Be harlequin>Tits and ass naturally THICC >Use powers of [BAZINGA] to negate the warp fuckery effecting the others>Find myself a nice looking battle medic>He looks like a Drukhari vibrator with how much he's shaking>I'm going to rock this little nerds world
>>61779165I don't know, he said and I quote:"What are we going to do on the bed?".
>>61779165>Be Nurgling>Smelly boi of Nurgle>I spent a whole five minutes on this drawing! It's my best one yet!>Papa Nurgle would be proud!>Waddle up to the pretty lady>She looks mad...>I hope she likes my picture! Maybe it'll cheer her up?>Give her robe a gentle tug and wait patiently for her to notice me>I'm so excited to be making a new friend!
>>61778899>Be Tzeench>Getting a migraine from plans failing>Out of nowhere get jabbed in the face with a psychic sharp object>"OW, fucking corpse Emporer!">Start screeching since that fucker hit one my many eyes>Makeplanforrevenge.nerdrage>Call up Magnus to deal with this>My mind was in fucking shambles at this point and I needed to relax collect my thoughts>Please don't fuck this up Magnus
>>61779193>Be Medic>Spent a while staring at "Twerk-Tau">Her Booty-dynamics are off the charts, sir!>Get the feeling I'm being watched>Look around and see the THICCest Eldar I've ever seen in my life>Emprahpreserveme.whyboner
>>61779147>Be Captain Fren Lee Faya>hear Seargant's voice in my vox ordering my men slow their descent>another great idea>"Good job, Sergeant Cass Ual TY" making an emphasis on Y. Somehow that never fails to anger him.>good>we need his rage >Malevolent fight better while in rage-mod.
>>61779108>be me, Primaris Lieutenant>still pinned to the front of a chimaera in a cartoonish pose>hear a daemonic voice offering freedom if I will but shed some blood for it>in a moment of shameful weakness and wrath, I accept>can't move my arms, bolter is pointed at the ground>all I have is my - mouthful of blood...>spit with the fury of a thousand sons, aiming to splatter the ground with my own iron humors in tribute to spite itself>forgot helmet was still on, and only succeed in getting blood up my own nose, choke for a few seconds before violently sneezing and getting a mouthful of snot in return>the shame of nearly drowning in my own blood for a warp abomination's petty promises immediately stifles my anger with despair and remorse>I'm still pinned to a chimaera
How many posts till thread starts dying and gets archived cause I think we'll need a new thread real soon.
>>61779182>>61779202Damn it, bring the both of them over to me later, I hate having birds and bees talk, but clearly one is too thirsty and one can't take a hint...>>61779209>feel tug while ranting>Look down>Fuckshititsanurgling.chaos>Survival instincts kick in>Punt that slime puppy with boot>Channel warp powers of Khain and the Emperor for good measure>Send the thing flying with the force of a thousand supernovas>Watch for a moment...we don't have a truce with chaos too, do we? I hope not. I just need caffeine, I'm too tired for this heresy...god, I'm sounding like a commisar
OP bump limit is reached!
>Be Imperial Navy Captain>Watch a cluster of ships on planet, imperial and xeno alike>inthronesnamewtf.mp4>planet may be lost, radio in forces on the ground>totally ready exterminatus for when they say the planet is lost>all good, these xenos are allies>fucking infantry and their dumb pranks>call bs, cyclonic torpedoes about to fire>astropath shakes violently >maybechaos.heresy>says the knife-ears are actually are allies now>confirms report from Terra>blues and clowns too>having big tiddy contests>fuck I want in>fancy ship asks for permission to dock>blue betty bazongas gets off and says she's an emissary of peace>gonnashowhermypiece.cptn>follow me, we'll discuss void combat in my quarters>feel a tingle in my balls>turns out there's more in life than destroying planets>smughuehuehue.spess>yeah right
>>61779285New thread soon
>>61779295Thank you OP
>>61779285Did you at least look at the picture he drew?
>>61779264>be me, Captain Faya>notice that Primaris LT McCuntLy is still pinned by Chimera>Huh that must be why he didn't rise up when i offered him my help>really tempted to leave the cunt to die under the Chimera>reminded that the cunt is still wearing Malevolent insignia>this is not how a Malevolent should die>lift the fucking Chimera >Emperor bless you for the Terminator Armor.>Not only it makes all the Sisters of Battle cream themselves>but it also is proven to be useful for picking up Chimeras
>>61779285Well, the Exarch is one issue, but the Guardsman is deaf now.
>>61779231>Be Scintillan trooper>The squad's medic has fallen to the alien temptation>Emperorpreserveme.holofile>Glance at the xeno he has set his eyes on>One of those Eldar... Aeldari? Still can't get used to the new way of calling them.>Thicc as all hell>Shrug, she's not my wife, but not bad>Hope she got to rest in peace, crazy shit was going on when she missed the refugee ship>Return to shooting in the general direction of hostiles, and making disdainful glances at the medic
>>61779084>Be Chapter Master Balus>Designate a drop zone near were the main conflict is>Obviously have to present a show for the mortals to show them the glorious crusade to come>Some would say its wasteful to have your drop pods to have the ability to drop together to form your chapters symbol in midair while blasting music>Other will also claim dropping near a moving chimera transport is also foolish>Such doubts are for limited minded fools who don't have mobs of frenzy religious Imperial citizens following you to see your crusades>Nor will they say such remarks when you can prove that your ornate aggressor armor is more then capable of stopping a lowly transport vehicle of the Guard>Even if it has some 400 year old boomer marine on it who has an ugly yellow as their color scheme>Come to think of it that yellow scheme does sound familiar to that one chapter everybody doesn't seem to like>I don't think they like each other either considering I can hear them bickering when the transport is mere feet away from me>Guess this will be a learning experience about other chapters
>>61779284>How many posts till thread starts dying and gets archived cause I think we'll need a new thread real soon.Just hit the bump limit.>>61779285>>Send the thing flying with the force of a thousand supernovas>Be Nice Daemonette>Some of my few daemon friends are Plague Bearerettes>Lazy bitches just lay around all day, but it's nice when you just want to chill>See one of their little shitsacks get punted like it's a game of Bloodbowl>Feel sorry for the poor thing
>>61779328>be Scintillian trooper's wife>be dead for at least 150 years by now
>>61779264>The blood & astartes acid spit tingle with Warp fire>LT Primaris burns>It doesn't kill, only hurts> feel strength coursing through you>find yourself able to easily pick up the Chimera & spit acid on it enough to dissolve it's functionalityKhorne honors your tribute, & grants several gifts
>>61775942that mean not all deaths are necessary,and you should aim to get your goal with the less loses on your allies (including civilians)
>>61778075>Be Slaanesh>Watching new clusterfuck planet >zoomout.warp>Orbit around planet is littered with ships>Out of nowhere, Ork ship literally rush fucks Marine ship from behind, wearing it like a cocksock>newfetishaquired.lust