>A group of crazed Slaaneshi cultists decide the ultimate delicious perversion they could possibly do is turn traitor and loyally serve the emperor.>They act, dress, and look like an Imperial regiment except they use chaos magic and sound like they're going to cum like all the fucking time.>Beyond this they are absolutely committed to their roleplay and fight chaos whereever it rears its head, acting like the most ridiculous caricatures of imperials soldiers that could exist. Every death is fraught with tearful drama and there's like a dozen morale-raising speeches a day and even more heroic sacrifices and so on.What happens next?
it all turns out to be one of Tzeentch's plots
>>59824958You know those guardsman in Slaanesh patrol?They weren't guardsmen.
>>59824958They take part of the first wave in a planetary assault and get wiped out in a manner if minutes.
>>59824990I'd like to see anons do more with this but what you described would probably be one of the most surreal moments in Imperial history.>be me, john guardsman>under siege, gonna die, business as usual>suddenly there's a hail of lasbolts and a bunch of recruits bolt right over the trenches and at the enemy>absolutemadman.jpeg>screams fill the air>but wait>not pain screams>my eardrums are assaulted by the sound of a thousand voices ringing out in orgasm all at once as the commissar whips his dick out and bashes the enemy commander to death with an aquila moments before being torn apart by bolter fire.>battlefield is covered in blood and semen>enemy just kind of slowly and quietly leaves>I still never got the regiment's name
>>59824977Tzeentch is tyring to make the Imperium believe Malal exists. >>59824958They wind up in a radical inquisitor's retinue.
>>59824958Hilarious shit happens, because this shit is hilarious.
>>59824958It brings a whole new meaning to this image.
>>59825046>ask a higher up about it>they get visibly upset and confused and refuse to talk about it>Imperium's FW dealing with these people
>>59824990Why do people always give boring answers like this to ideas which are obviously a joke? You're like that faggot a few days ago who kept correcting me whenever I exaggerated something as a joke.I'm going to call people who do this on this board Derek from now on. Seriously, fuck you Derek.
What happens?They meet Grey Knights and bond over being over the top exaggerated people. They then go into battle together against Khornates.
>>59825984Not before bathing in SoB blood.
>>59825561>Sir what was that I just saw?>*Shoves a bolt pistol in his face* I don't know guardsman what did you see?>N-n-nothing sir! Nothing at all, just a wierd freak accident and then we pushed the Chaos scum back for the Emperor!>That's right guardsman we saw not a fucking thing! Then fullfilled our duties as normal. Everything was perfectly normal.
>>59825637>Why do people always give boring answers like this to ideas which are obviously a joke? You're like that faggot a few days ago who kept correcting me whenever I exaggerated something as a joke.That's the joke
>>59826083>the Imperium desperately tries to pretend these guys don't exist while they go around playing hero and consistently saving the day to the utter consternation of literally everyone around them.
>>59826057>>59825637The entire of the /wip/ thread.>post picture of broken, unpainted old model>later on post picture of near complete repainted model>"one coat of agrax earthshade later">obvious joke is that the single layer of miracle shade transformed the model from broken to finished>Anons reply telling me to learn how to make oil shades insteadWhat the fuck Derek come on.
>>59826107>Tzeentchian followers eventually figure out that there's no scheming or planning or anything, its all one big neverending erotic LARP>Collectively through a warp-shattering autistic fit over it
>>59824958>Each time they run to any other slanneshi cult they try and convince them of their idea>Some join the bandwagon of degeneracy>Some get removed (they have to act like guardsmen after all)>Seeing the succes, high moral and utter dedication of this "regiment" the high command assigns a commisar to check things out>Cue all sorts of shenanigans on the cultists part to hide any proof from the commisar>"Private, could you explain why your eyes are pitch black?">"Its because im blinded by the Emperors light sir!">".... Carry on then"
>>59825637Joke's on you, my name isn't Derek.
>>59826442No one cares Derek
>>59826239>Guardsman, can you tell me why the entire barracks smells like cum? >Linden trees sir, there was a grove of them next to us that got destroyed in the last bombardment. Place still stinks.
>>59826239>"Guardsman, care to explain why you charged the enemy with your dick out?">"To instill as much fear for the Emperor and the human form as possible."
>>59824958They are so gung hoe that they get the attention of a glory seeking commissar and are sent to the front line right away and and while on their first charge into no mans land and allied artillery shell falls sort and kills them all. The gunners then get shot by the commissar for wasting such carrier making soldiers, but at the foot of the golden throne The Big E tells them the funny story and they all get along swell. Then the Emperor heads back into the webway and tells Tzeech, Nurgle,and Cegorach then they have a good laugh. Kohrne appreciates slaaneshi dying, but doesn't get why its funny. the end.
>>59826815What was the point of this?
>>59826102>"Umm, here is what would REALISTICALLY happen, thank you very much!">"Haha, that's a joke in itself, pretty funny right?"This is why you need to die, Derek. That isn't a joke, it's being fucking obnoxious.
>>59826489>>59826600>>59826806>"Sergeant, why do you insist on ordering your mean to ram their "bayonets" in any orifice the enemy presents?">"Psichological warfare sir, they will learn to fear us one way or another">"Sergeant, those are Tyranids">"No exceptions sir"
so, was in this thread a new meme created?
>>59827008>"No exceptions sir"
>>59824958Place it in the context of it all being one great performance, the warband see themselves as actors, destined to create the greatest play the galaxy has ever seen, and I'd build it.
>>59827008> "Sir this Necron doesn't have an orifice!"> "I have a powersword, we'll damn well make one."Later:>"About then the xeno 'phased out' and fled like the cowards they were, intimidated by our fine Emperor-blessed bayonets and our skill at wielding them."
>>59827669>Truly the battle was a pain in the ass
>Slaaneshi cultists are so into the LARP the actually realize their own kind actually just have concentrated shit taste due the fact that Slaanesh was born early of Elven degeneracy and not glorious human degenracy and Humans just party better overrallAnd that is how we go moderate vanilla daemonettes.
>>59825637>Why do people always give boring answers like this to ideas which are obviously a joke?They're compelled to reply, even if they don't have anything to contribute.
>>59826442Such a Derek thing to say
>>59826442ironically, a very derek thing to say
>>59829133like those who respond "Depends on the setting"
>>59829219That meme was started to counter the constant spam of threads asking a hyper-specific question that could only be correctly answered by knowing more about the setting than what the OP provided.
>>59824958So hyper contrarians? Hipster daemons ironically serving the Emperor?
>>59824958>a tzeentch cult decides that succesfully managing a galactic empire is the sole thing that will get their patron attention>they start creating an efficient, cost-effective, streamlined administration in various worlds
>>59824958Honestly that actually sounds like it could work.>a regiment of charismatic, great looking guardsmen>some of the best marksman anyone has ever seen>they always turn up just in time to save the day>are utterly fearless and triumph against hopeless odds>they are faster, stronger, know the enemy better and are always willing to help others>their comissar has never shot a friendly and will always administer the lowest level punishments (if he even does that)>other regiments begin trying to protect them in battle because of their reputation>others become utterly dependent on them to boost morale and lead them into battle, refusing to fight without them present>they also always have the bitches even campaigning lightyears away from the nearest civilian sector>eventually mutinies start cropping up as regiments stationed with them are ordered to different systems>it was always heresy and thats all anything ever is
>>59824958>A group of crazed Slaaneshi cultists decide the ultimate delicious perversion they could possibly do is turn traitor and loyally serve the emperor.This...this is actually a good idea. I didn't think /tg/ could HAVE those anymore. Well done. This may deserve some writefaggotry.
>>59826131>SLANNESH! Have you heard of this shit?>oh those guys? Yea, they’re pretty funny>I have seen every possible thread of every possible end for them, they don’t plan to turncoat, they’re legitimately an genuinely serving the corpse god!>I know! Isn’t it fantastic? My pride is wounded in such an erotic waaaaayyy~>what are you going to do about it? Smite them? Turn them into chaos spawn?>and stop them? Gods no, these cunts are giving me an erection in a place even I didn’t know existed. No seriously look, I just sprouted it this morning. Plus, I’m getting wet at your proverbial panties being in a twist >REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
>>59826442fuck you derek
who the fuck is Derek?
>>59825637/tg/ has been dead ever since the great janitor purging. Our body still moves, we still speak the same words. But our soul died that day.
>>59831000He’s a cunt, goddamnit Derek get your shit together >also check’d
>>59829503>Tzeentch cultist infiltrate the Administratum to create the most effective, up to date, efficient and well planned agency ever conceived that functions flawlessly as one giant ritualistic worship act of Tzeentch.
>>59829667Do you realize you just basically described pre-Heresy Emperor's Children?
>>59824958I love it.
>>59826239>>59824958If you'd write a novel about this and it'd maintain the quality, I'd read it. Maybe GW would be crazy enough. Imagine a game like that. Wont' happen but that's kind of shit that'd be awesome in an oldschool point&click adventure game.
>>59831285Frankly, the way IoM buraeucracy works, it's not a high bar. You probably could just dump it all into a pitfire and it'd help supply lines and transport routes a lot.
>>59824977they all are
>>59831454>>59831420These are all very interesting ideas for a kind of alt 40k where the gods of chaos start dying, some sort of Necron interference or perhaps a natural life cycle of chaos gods where they go from moustache twirling villiany to good as emotions wax and wane in terms of "food" quality for them. So the gods start reaching out to their lesser used aspects. Khorne starts getting that martial honor, bravery, chivalry aspect out of the closet, Tzeench dust off the "actual progress, not insanely intricate plan swearsies this time promise" folder. Nurgle takes the persistence in the face of overwhelming odds, self sacrifice, indomitable will lunch box out of his moldy fridge. Slaanesh revs up that glorious perfectness of righteous righteousness power dildo the emperors angels become much more angelic, incorruptable, righteous, noble, idealistic saint warriors, same for SoS. Imperial Guardsmen are hyper competent average joe badasses, everyone strives to be the best, to achieve the perfect form not only in mind, body, but also in achievement.
>>59831285>chaos gods get literaly so bored that they begin to make Imperium gradualy better for laughs and gigglesÏ dig that idea.
>>59830368>Slaanesh develops an NTR fetish>pushes more and more cultists to abandon Chaos for the Emperor
>>59829179That's not really ironic.
>>59829248Thus making it non-meme reasonable answer.
>>59831596I fucking hate that I want this. I want the Imperium to be better, its like a underdog team atp that just cant catch a fucking break.
>>59824958OP I read your whole thread and eagerly hope that people who know more about 40k than I do continue to write about this concept, because it's golden.I also like the hyper-efficient bureaucracy cult.
>thread starts out in magical realm>turns into something actually magicalNever cease to amaze, /tg/
>>59830368Thanks for the laugh anon. I needed that
>>59831199Like the Emperor?
>>59833252It's like pottery
>>59827363Fucking hope so.
>>59831420With a touch of "Blackadder goes forth" for good measure>"Private">"Yes Commisar sir?">"Why in the Emperors name is the regimental transport being painted in pastel colours?">"You see Commisar sir, the lads and I were thinking...">"I never imagined you lot were capable of thinking">"...since all the transports look all the same that if our is different it will provide us with a point of reference">"Elaborate soldier">"Well, if we just said "We are near the colourful Chimera" then our lads far back can see us easily and cover us">"I see, theres only one itty bitty problem with that">"What would it be Commisar sir?">"If our lads can see us from miles back the enemy can see us from miles away">"Well, yeah. But since its very obvious maybe the enemy will think its a trap and avoid us">".... Private">"Yes Commisar sir?">"Please unpaint it before the machine spirit gets angry by your reasoning">"At once Commisar sir">"And put your "bayonet" back in your pants, its scaring the Sororitas"
>>59825637Hey, as a derek I find that really mean. I thought the OP was funny.
>>59833770Yet you still pedantically complain, Derek. Always the same with you cunts.
>>59833980>Derek >trying to damage control and not be a cuntSeriously, just stop, Derek.
>>59834067>>59833980>>59832521>>59832042>>59831242>>59831000>>59830696>>59829179>>59829145Guys, seriously though, who's Derek, this is starting to become some reddit-tier shit
>>59834922Shut it Derek
>>59834922Have you considered following the quote chain to find the answer, Derek?
>>59834922S'what fucks me off about derek the most - he could just read the thread but he expects it all spoonfed to him. Derek is just the worst.
>>59834067>calling me a DerekI'd take you to task, anon, but I'm not one of...those.
>>59834922Just let them have their reply chain while everyone else does something productive. It keeps them from throwing a wrench into things.Anyway, who wants to try and come up with some individual """"heroes"""" to inspire our regiment of reverse-traitor guardsmen?
>>59824958They fake it till they make it, and then enter the Emperor's light after falling to a group of particularly terrifying traitor legion.Slaanesh is slightly disappointed but likes it too much to care about the loss.Tzeentch, the emperor, the deciever, the laughing god and even malal laugh maniacally and claim it was all part of their machinations.
>>59835290We should start off with a Cummisar.
>>59831596>Chaos and Imperium """""teaming up""""" against everyone elseFucking brilliant.
>>59835362Oh, and several groups of Repentia are rather upset over having been shown up, and spend a fortnight in seclusion punishing each other for their failure to live up to the emperor's glory.
>>59835290First we need to decide what type of regiment it is.Actually, should we use the random regiment creation tables?https://1d4chan.org/wiki/Imperial_Guard_Regiment_Creation_Tables
>>59835502I’m all for this. Kick ya off anon, I’ll throw some rolls
>>59835502I mean maybe, but it'd be awkward if we rolled something completely antithetical to the concepts we've thrown out thus far, since we already have a general idea of how they work. Like here's my conception of them:Classification- Imperial GuardsmenDemographic- """Priesthood"""Nature of Recruitment- Standard ConscriptionHomeworld- Civilized World (so they say)Predominant Terrain- Urban(?)Core Units- Light Infantry (debating this)Specialization- Shock and AweLoyalty Rating- (disturbingly) OverzealousSpecial Equipment- not on the list but Chaos MagicRegiment Creed: For the EmperorFriends- Ecclesiarchy (?)Enemies: Tzeentch (see >>59830368)I'm just spitballing here, feel free to debate this or ignore it.
>>59835502Who is this cloud strife looking motherfuckerThat hairstyle is not regulation
>>59835686>Friends- EcclesiarchyIs there a 'Frenemy' option? I like to imagine the inquisition has like a dozen dudes stationed in this regiment pretty much 24/7 because they know that there's SOMETHING fucky going on, but there always seems to be a perfectly reasonable, if slightly stupid, explanationExcept half of those inquisitors are ALSO slaaneshi larpers.
>>59830368>>59832314I'm loving this
>>59835686>>59835502We should have them be kreigers
>>59835929Kreigers are too emotionless. The slaaneshi regiment are super zealous to the point of shrieking praise to the emperor as they charge into certain death.
>>59835743Frenemy sounds even better. We don't need to follow the chart to the letter with these guys>>59835929But then they wouldn't be able to be all individualistic and cool like they want to. >>59836010 is right too but I also imagine they are all simultaneously acting like the protagonist of their own story, like OP said>>59824958>Beyond this they are absolutely committed to their roleplay and fight chaos whereever it rears its head, acting like the most ridiculous caricatures of imperials soldiers that could exist. Every death is fraught with tearful drama and there's like a dozen morale-raising speeches a day and even more heroic sacrifices and so on.
>>59835929That fits quite well. Always trying to be as stern and stoic as possible, but hiding their giggles behind face masks. To external observers they are always willing to throw themselves to the death for the Emperor, but secretly they know that they can't truly die. Muffled shit-talking whenever Khornates show up.
>>59836010>>59836031Aren't kreigers known for being super zealous? Besides, the point here is, this is a regiment that fell to chaos, these would be Slaaneshi kreigers
>>59836031>everyone is their own protagonist>entire pockets of the battlefield are shielded with warp fuckery as soldier pairs play out dying last word scenes
>>59836086But the regiment didn't fall to chaos, they started out as perfectly normal slaaneshi cultists who one day thought "You know what would really turn us on collectively? If we all started pretending to be the most loyal imperial guardsmen we possibly could and went around fighting for the Emperor!" And then they NTR'd Slaanesh (who enjoyed it and still does) and travel the stars, leaving a trail of confused minds and genitals in their wake.
>>59836083>that moment when you heard a giggle behind some of those new-kriegers masks>turning around, its just the same, stoic murderbot stare that greets you through the googles of the gas-mask.>...>fucking Kriegers, man
>>59836147>Phil: pssst. hey John>John: yes Phil?>p: I’m picking my nose with my tongue >j: I’m making cross-eyes >commissar: is there an issue here ladies?>Both: no sir Lord Commisar>p: hey John?>j: yes?>p: Cummisar>[MUFFLED KRIEGER GIGGLES]
>>59836145>the moment Slaneesh learns about ironyposting>next moment, triple-ironic sort-of-sincere-but-not-or-maybe-is imperial support
>>59836262>The regiment becomes the first choice for Inquisitors of the Ordo Malleus, because they just don't flinch when fighting daemons.>These acolytes slowly spread throughout the entire Inquisition due to their apparent loyalty and fearlessness.>Even so they never betray the Imperium, because that would ruin the secret!>Tzeentch absolutely seethes because he's the one that's suppossed to be all about sneakiness.>This makes the regiment laugh even more.
>>59836568>cucking two gods at onceB-beautiful.
>>59836696>In the Imperium only the Emperor himself knows their true loyalties.>He gets more and more pissed that the regiment is out-loyaling his own loyalists.>But he's completely pragmatic and knows that if he uses his power to out them, the Imperium looses a powerful weapon against Chaos.>So he has to shut up and accept it with impotent rage.>Slaanesh uses the Emperor's anger-tears as masterbation lube.
So OP said Slaaneshi cultists, which would be easier to hide. Some seem to lean towards daemons tho. They'd have to be masked, constantly. If not Krieg, maybe Armageddon Steel Legion?
>>59836759So effectively,, the Slaaneshi kreigers are cucking Slaanesh, Tzeentch, and the Emperor? Glorious. How do we get them to cuck Nurgle and Khorne as well?
>>59824958They would kill themselves faster than the enemy could fire bullets.This idea is retarded.NEXT.
>>59836836For fucks sake Derek.
>>59836808By just beating them. Nurgle and Khorne are the 2 most straightforward, so just stop their plans and that's pretty much good enough.
>>59836850>ohmygod your hentai regiment is so sophisticated.Sure smells like teen fags in here.
>>59836805Well... everything can be improved by more tanks.Maybe a Krieger Armoured Regiment?>Sarge? You know that new regiment that turned up the other day?>Yes, Private?>I don't trust their tanks. The machine spirits keep giggling whenever I walk near them.>It's just your imagination. Now go polish their cannons, and don't start crying this time.
>>59836894Commissar Derek Nophun has come to shit up another thread.
>>59836855>Khorne sees one of his invasions thwarted by a maniacally bloodthirsty imperial guard legion>Khorne is okay with that, since after all, its just more skulls for the skull throne.>Khorne tries to call over a few more heroic guards to his own side, since they are nothing but simple men and should be easy to convert>*dial up tone*>...>"Heeey, Khorne, watcha doing?~">...>Khorne refuses to talk about what happened there ever again.
>>59836894Fuck off, Derek
>>59836894I’d say stop being a salty cunt Derek but that’s impossible for you.
>>59836808Well Khorne is the natural enemy of Slaanesh to begin with. The very fact that there's a Slaaneshi regiment running around slaughtering his boys in the name of DAH EMPRAH would be enough to make him see red.Not sure about Nurgle though. Maybe the fact that the cultists are all pretty boys/girls would be enough.
>>59837074Eldar would be fucking livid as well, and would probably do everything they can to reveal them.>Don't you see, filthy mon-kiegh? They're all chaos trait- *BLAM*.Dark Elder would probably love it though, and would be in on the joke.
>>59837121>Dark Eldar remain as evil as always but when fighting against this particular regiment turn into ridiculously hammy mustache-twirling villains to play into the regiment's big damn heroes narrative.
>>59837121Deldar would be on again off again fuckbuddies (((BUT ONLY THROUGH VILE XENOS TRICKS THAT THEY SHALL PAY A THOUSAND TIMES OVER FOR, EMPEROR PURGE THEM))) or just more fodder for the loyalist larp
>>59837074They’re meticulously clean and as you said good looking. They exemplify all a heroic figure could; in shape, inspiring features, smell good, etc Their joy and looks make them the antynom to Nurgle.>>59836954>Commissar Derek NophunI’m imagining he’s a zealous commissar attached to this regiment who is absolutely convinced their slanneshi cultists and constantly tries to find evidence to get the regiment BLAM’d. Problem is he’s hilariously incompetent and the high lords thinks he’s a few rounds short of a bolter. Think of the teacher from Fairly Odd Parents. >this must be the work of....SLANNESHI CULTIST!!
>>59826442See Derek, shit like this is how we got into this situation in the first place.
>>59837216>Farseer's face when they observe the farce from the sidelines.
>>59825637It's called anti-humour and it's the last resort of desperate men.
>>59837277>regiment chomping at the bit to beat up Necrons>Come-in-arse yells at them for wanting to melt the robos into living metal dildos and that he'll purge all the cheeky cunts who have any thoughts filthier than fresh snow on the Emperor>Regiment secretly thanks Nophun for the idea later>in the bunkers>under the trenches>all night long>Poor dude can't fucking sleep from all the Litanies of Heat drilled into his brain
>>59837216>tfw you will never see a dark eldar Archon tie a sister of battle to a pair of rail tracks and slowly start approaching it with their Raider along the tracks, despite the vehicle being a floating attack craft that needs nothing to hover>You will never see a daring guardsman, sprint to the tracks, free the Sororitas with one hand while shooting his lazgun with the other as he carries the fair maiden to safety, away from the villainous dark eldar"Mwhah! Foiled again, by the imperial guard! Whaaah!"
>>59837761Drat, drat and double drat!
>>59827008>no exceptions sir
>>59836955That reminds me of the IG lass from storm of iron
>>59836836Imagine being this boring, unironically. Can you imagine it? I sure as hell can't.
>>59838516That's just Derek for you. Ignore him.
>>59824958Real talk though? This is the kind of dark humor that I genuinely miss from pre-4th edition days of 40K. Well done OP. Today you avoided excessive faggotry.
>>59838659Warhammer isn't supposed to be funny. This is a serious wargame.
>>59839550I know this is bait, but pls
How do we actually model these lads? Krieger models painted bright colors? Armageddon? Rogue Trader style guard in Garish camo and weird uniforms?
>>59839805I'd go with the brightly coloured Krieger models. They want to hide any funny looking mutations and chaos tattoos, but you don't want them to be as grim looking as true Kriegers.
someone should archive this
Do they use demons in costumes as abhuman replacements or what?
>>59840983>"Soldier what the fuck is this thing">"I-its uhhh... from Catachan. We found it.">"All right then carry on."
>>59840983>>59841010>Its just a Daemonette in a ghillie suit
>Be Commissar>Newest regiment I am assigned to makes me feel conflicted on levels that should not be possible>One hand they are the bravest and most effective guardsmen I have seen in my entire career, they even actively find ways to improve to absurdist levels of dedication>On the other hand weird shit keeps happening around them>Such as that one time that the regiments equipment started laughing and moaning one night, all I know is that the guardsmen managed to form such close bounds with their machine spirits that they taught their how to emote>They also have a weird fascination with bayonet charges specifically just for anal damage, even towards enemies that lack said anus>Most recently they started bringing in these weird creatures that look like they spent to much time in the warp, the only reason I tolerate this is because they proved useful for fighting the strange amount of angry Tzeentch cultists and daemons we encounter>I actively wonder being assigned to this regiment is a blessing or a curse
>>59824958>>59825046>>59826083>>59826239>>59827008>>59830368>>59832314>>59833727>>59836262>>59836759>>59837074>>59837277>>59837550haven´t had a good fucking laugh since the stercus ludicrum threads
>>59837761>A baneblade. I'll steal it!>NO-ONE WILL EVER KNOW!
>>59833727God damnit I even heard it in their voice
>>59841843>"Private, what are the cursed Xenos doing over there?">"It seems like... They have captured some civilians, and are holding them in some sort of oddly exposed tower-like building, Lord Commisar.">"Damn... Better call in the artillery, those civs will be better off dead than taken by..""MWAH! ">"Lord Commissar! A group of guardsmen just stormed the tower, and are fighting up its steps!">"What! Its an obvious ambush, they will be slaughtered there! Call a retreat, and....""Waaaah! Foiled again!">...>"Lord Commissar! They just reached the top and rescued the civilians as the Xenos are retreating! ">"... Call in the arti... no.... Carry on, Guardsman"
bump for potential
>>59831000>>59834922To clarify, Derek is named after the faggot who kept correcting me a few days ago. (>>59825637) He's that annoying shithead who hates fun.
artfags get in on this
>All the slanneshi regiment are assembled for the debriefing the Commisar is about to give>"Okay, listen here soldiers, while I appreciate your effort and utter (bat shit) dedication to winning the battle I think I must point out a couple of flaws and what do and not do's">"First, it is now prohibited to paint our transports any other colour than the camouflage pattern. I don't give a damn if it's "purdy" or if it will distract the enemy">"Second, a bayonet charge is made with the pointy metallic sticks you are issued with, not the pointy thing in your pants">"Third, I do not care what you say, armour is essential to survival. Advancing in the nude towards the enemy as to "show them the magnificence of the human form" shall not be tolerated">"Fourth, while mourning fallen comrades is okay, it is NOT okay to put their corpse in a funny/"artistic" pose to recreat scences from the "Lectitio Divinitatus" ">"And lastly, sticking your head into the rear exhaust pipe of the vehicles is forbbiden. It makes the machine spirit unconfortable"
>>59843967>Commisar gets taken out by "Ork Snipers" even though there are no Orks in the system
>>59844235>Ork Snipers*ARMAGEDDON FLASHBACKS INTENSIFIES*
>They get assigned a Chaplain as per tradition>Every day they pray and even mimic perfect devotion to the Emperor>E-money is completely livid at their existence>Sends subtle images to the chaplain on how to recognize Slaaneshi cultists>The chaplain thinks he is the one infected by Slaanesh>Whenever anyone suspects the chapter of being slaaneshi the chaplain enters hysterics thinking they're going to bolt him>the cultists know all along and giggle and help him to be more devout to the emprah
>>59826932And it's name is Derek?
>>59836130>Khorne Cultist who got in on the action and is now mondo-super-honourabu: "Quellec, by Grabthars hammer, by the suns of Worvan, you shall be...avenged."https://youtu.be/r7bo_A6XnUU?t=104
So, to sum up:Origin: Imperial GuardDemographic: PriesthoodRecruitment: Standard ConscriptionHomeworld: Hive worldPredominant Terrain: UrbanCore Units: Shock TroopersSpecialisation: Shock and AweLoyalty Rating: OverzealousSpecial Equipment: Slaaneshi Chaos MagicRegiment Creed: Esoteric BeliefsFriends: EcclesiarchyEnemies: TzeentchAnybody got any name suggestions for the regiment? Any homeworld names?I was thinking a Hiveworld known as Vaslegas
>>59845520I think instead of priesthood it should be regular joes but other than that this seems about accurate. As for the other stuff my contribution towards their name is>Emperor's Finest
>>59845786thanks for the bump friend :^)
>>59845786shut up derek
>>59845520>any name suggestions for the regiment?Something that can be shortened to NTR is a must.
>>59845848-name that starts with an N-'s Tactical Rangers?
>>59845848Neo Terra Regiment?
>>59845926Neiuphag's Tactical Rangers
>>59845848New Terran RangersWe'll say New Terra is the capital of the hiveworld.
>During their morning prayers, they replace 'Emperor' with 'Daddy'>Their commissar is furious until one of them lies and just says that it's Low Gothic
>>59845980>they replace 'Emperor' with 'Daddy'this is awful, its completely horrificI love it
>>59845851I hate modern memes with a passion and I hate the fact that this one is going to stay for a long time
>>59845980>"Praise Daddy!"Oh god i love it already
>>59846001Its not new, its just its being spammed like a motherfucker.You should've seen /v/ a couple days back.
>>59846034Oh I have, unfortunately
>>59846017>>59845988Daddy Protects! >>59845973New Terra Rangers sounds good
>>59845980I would join them just for this desu
>>59826442Eat shit, Derek.
Posting writefaggotry for this idea because I like it:Vaslegas is a hiveworld considered to be, previously, a wretched hive of scum and villainy. Near entirely coated in urban terrain, there is little to none of the natural life of the world left, having been erased and turned into facilities for the people of the planet. It is very much an urban jungle with an 80's twist on it, and is essentially a giant space casino, which incidentally was its only asset to the rest of the galaxy, being very much a holiday world as well as a hiveworld. Hives look very different on Vaslegas, with even the least housing being well-furnished and luxurious in comparison to lesser hives, and the hives extend tall into the sky and atmosphere of Vaslegas, with the penthouses of the richest touching the upper atmosphere, situating themselves above the toxic smog that hangs over the lower city.Life on Vaslegas is city life, though very much divided between crime, and the more legal crime of politics. If you are situated in the upper echelons of the world, your life would take place in mostly the clean and fresh environs of the upper spires and hive apartments of the upper city. Politicking is rife here, and only the most ruthless and intelligent survive, politicians, Casino-owners, Mob Bosses, all common players in the upper city. Mid-city is populated by those who work the casinos, and is the only place you can find those attempting to earn an honest living, however futile that may be, Casino workers, clerks, bankers, accountants, the middle class of a pleasure world, all reside here, they have earned the right to air that is at least breathable.
>>59825637>>59843136I got called a Derek yesterday for saying MLP was gay.People aren't Dereks, you're just mad you cant post your dumb quirky ''''''''''humor'''''''''' on this board without people saying "this is gay"
>>59846141 The lower city is a remnant of an earlier time in Vaslegas' history, when it's small store of natural resources drove industry fast and hard, decimating the landscape in the process of quickly and violently excavating the planet's riches. The resultant chemical smog is a mild euphoriac and aphrodisiac, and is regarded by many as the reason this planet so quickly fell to Slaanesh, starting from the ground up. The dregs of society, and those who need to work in the shadows, live here, including the Homeless, Cultists, Thieves and Thugs, and all manner of those who wish to stay hidden or stay high.I thought toxic smog was a little cliche but I like this idea of it being drugs
>>59846147>>59846174Believe it or not, I'm not the one making all of the Derek posts, but continue to shit fling if you like.
>>59846174>cringe-inducing >force your shitty memes>Proceeds to post FrankuNegro what.
>>59846198At least Franku made some halfway-amusing content and actually put some effort in.This faggot has literally just gone "lol these people are bad here's a lolsorandumb name to call them!". There's nothing original about what he's doing and it's entirely reminiscent of the numale flavour of /tg/ these days where people will say any old shit and jack themselves off over it.
>>59846193Whatever you say faggot. Mods are the only ones who can clarify that and they're not going to jump in on your behalf.
>>59846065Maybe NovaTerran Rangers would work better. Sound more high gothic. I like the whole Commissar Derek Nophun idea too
>>59846174>Stop having fun!
>>59845520Should the name be zealous, ironic, sexual, edgy etc?NonNeoNewNurgleNaughtyNakedTameTimidTerribleTerraThrustRenegadesReiversReckonersRecruitsReapersRaidersNaughty Tee Raiders,Non-Terrans' Reckoning etc
>>59846294>Naked Thrust RaidersCould be special units.
>>59846294I think the name should be similar to other Imperial Guard Regiments but tongue in cheek with the acronym, so it sounds heroic if you've never heard of them, but then you meet them in person and are completely fucken weirded out by them.
>>59846271Oh, you're allowed to have your retarded brand of fun, just do it on one of the containment boards or just go back to where you truly belong.The rest of us come here to discuss traditional games, not to beat our meat to one retard's embittered post and forced memes.
>>59846333then why don't you stop bumping this thread and let us get on with it, and it'll die that little bit faster for your contribution.
>>59846156Posting more Writefaggotry, geography edition.There are 2 cities on Vaslegas, New Terra, for whom most of the planet is named, and which takes up the entire western hemisphere and half of the east, and Luna Secundus, the smallest hive city, but still enormous. New Terra was named by those first explorators to the planet before the dark age of technology, who, yearning for their home world of Terra, named it in her honour. There they first discovered the gaseous deposits of a forerunner substance used in Archaeotech at the time, and set up a mining colony, where they used experimental techniques to quickly rip the deposits from the ground. The resultant runoff was considered nondangerous, if a mild euphoric and aphrodisiac, and was for the most part ignored in favour of technological progress. The mining operation continued to expand, until supplies of the resource ran very quickly dry. The explorators had in the meantime expanded their operation to the eastern hemisphere of the planet, but found nothing there, so they set up a forward supply base and named it Luna Secundus, after the moon of terra, and it's notable sparseness. After the mining colony ran dry, the explorators built over the mining base, and turned it into a liveable city. In time, due to a lack of supplies and general lack of wealth, the city, and the descendants of the explorators, built an economy entirely centred around gambling. Luck, and intelligence, played a large part in the people's status in New Terra, and as the city grew, gambling became a planetary expression of identity. Soon, as the city spread to encompass the entire western hemisphere, gambling became New Terra's main asset, being of interest to tourists and those who wish to make their fortune alike.
>>59846400would also appreciate some help in naming whatever substance it is they found because i'm bad at fantasy chemicals.
>>59846342Why don't you abandon your shitty meme thread and go do something productive with your day?
>>59846400Second City storyLuna Secundus, meanwhile, grew as an area of clean air, where the citizens who deigned to take on the running of the planet established their political base. It eventually became an area where those who could afford to not live in the chemical smog lived, and then it was just considered the rich part of town. Now, it has been risen off the ground so as to preserve the aura of cleanliness about it, which is ironic, because the citizenry of Luna Secundus are mostly corrupted, either in soul or in morals.
>>59846424no, I wasn't gonna do that anyway
>>59846439It's a shame we have people like you contaminating the board with your numale ego. Forced memes are never funny, never creative, and never catch on. Enjoy your Dereks, retard.
>>59830249workin on it
>>59846426Writefaggotry, history edition this time.Vaslegas went through a rebirth recently, whereupon, after a sweep of Slaaneshi corruption through the lower city of New Terra, spreading upwards to eventually covertly corrupt the entire planet, turning all into a Slaaneshi planet, their debauchery hidden in the mists of the chemical fog. It was here that a conclave among cult was had, and a decision made. The ultimate debauchery, to Cuck Slaanesh itself. The cultists then staged a mock revolution, in full view of the Imperium, sacrificing thousands of lesser members of society, those who refused to go along with the plan, and those who had not responded to the siren call of Slaanesh. The Imperium eventually responded, sending the Sisters of Battle alongside a cohort of the Ecclesiarchy's Frateris Militia, to help cleanse the "Corruption" from the planet. After the war was over in record time, the Ecclesiarchy declared the planet pure once more, and, commending the Vaslegans for their bravery in facing this dire spiritual threat and chastising them for allowing it in the first place, recommended them to have a Guard regiment made, to both atone for their crimes and serve the Emperor directly.Thus, the New Terran Rangers were born, and the cultists plan was put into action.Let me know if you have any suggestions to amend the history, otherwise I think this is pretty good.
NeverNophunToplessTraineeRegimentRigourMore words for >>59846294>>59846327Actually wrote that at first but removed it.Could be some outrider detachment.>>59846332Nophuns Terrible Reivers
Quick, someone think of some famous figures from the New Terran Rangers, I need to include them in the article.
>>59846670Commissar Derek Nophun
>>59824958Decided to read your OP, gave me a good giggle.9/10
>>59846695Got it, how about this?Commissar Derek Nophun:This Commissar was assigned to the New Terran Rangers after their first engagement as a regiment, the celebration of which lead to four nights of partying, whereupon the nearby hive that they saved was run dry of Fresh Food, Alcohol, and Medical drugs. Assigned to keep a close eye on the regiment for deviant behaviour, he has reported a 0% corruption rate among the regiment. This is because he is both not very perceptive, and because a Slaaneshi Cult and a partying Imperial Guard regiment resemble each other almost exactly. He is legendary in the regiment, both because of his status as "Officer to avoid" and his reputation for being at the front of any battle yet somehow surviving every single one.
>>59845520Maybe roll something up?>https://docs.google.com/document/d/1eHjapeDQS6rg-MRwJc1TtVHML9ihnurb_tPfMzPrB98
>>59846735It gets better. If you cba to read the entire thread & the shitposting about Dereks then >>59841772 quoted some of the gud stuff
>>59831596You just described brighthammer 40k: in the noble brightens of the 41st millennium, there is only HIGH ADVENTURE
>>59845520Trying to stat this in Only War, so far only really have Hive World and maybe Hunter-Killer as a regiment down.
>>59846756Captain Mary Lascivious:Previous Head of the Slaaneshi Cult of Vaslegas, she was at the forefront of the battles in "Cleansing" the Slaaneshi taint from Vaslegas, despite being the one to orchestrate this entire experience, and knowing that the people she killed were the actual allies of the Imperium. This experience left her with a permanent erection, gifted to her by Slaanesh in its ecstasy as it realised it was being introduced to an entirely new fetish. The Captain has since been at the forefront of every single engagement by the New Terran Rangers, cloaked in the blood and semen of enemies and allies alike, she cuts a bloody swathe through the enemy with her "Powersword" and a Custom made phallic bolt pistol. She leads the Slaaneshi Cult of the New Terran Rangers from within, organising all rituals and activities covertly, and seducing any higher ups who might need to turn a blind eye to their activity.Got another one.
https://1d4chan.org/wiki/New_Terran_RangersMade it. There's more to include but this is a good start.
This thread reminds me of those Orks who convinced themselves that the are “DA EMPRAHS GREENEST” and fight the imperiums enemies.I’m now thinking of other factions who want to infiltrate the imperium and take it to absolute loyalty. I imagine the Alpha Legion getting pissed that everyone is doing their shtick.
>>59847120nah, these factions are all the alpha legion dressing up as other people and fighting for the imperium. They're secretly the good guys, just trying to foster peace between everyone in the galaxy.
>>59847190Eventually this thread will be lost to the void. Keeping some of this around for inspiration in a non-temporary format is a useful thing.
>>59846333This IS the containment board for this kind of discussion, you retarded piece of shit. Don't like it, go back to tumblr or whatever shithole it is you crawled out of.
>>59847190I create shit. I write stories. I make music. I really do have nothing better to do. And I like it, so why not have it stick around for other people to look at?
>>59847317>I create shit. I write stories. I make musicWhat's it like being a jobless bum?
>>59847875It's not lucrative but i'm happy. What's the point of living if you're just gonna squander it hating every second.
>>59848038do you have a job you love that brings you lots of money anon?
>>59848084Loving your job doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is making money. If you don't make at least $60k a year, you've failed somewhere along the line.
>>59848136>becoming a dronelol no.
>>59848136>The only thing that matters is making moneyThis? This is EXACTLY what's wrong with most of humanity. Money is at best only a proxy for things that are ACTUALLY important.
>>59848136>What is basic microeconomics
>>59848136Fuck off and go to work Derek
>>59847063lacks the examples of their behaviour. like>>59836262
God damn it, I wasn't gonna reply but >>59848011>Inb4 getting called Derek.>>59848084I'm an engineer; I get paid to do programming, which I love.>>59848160>becoming a broke neckbeardOkay then.>>59848161Good luck sustaining yourself without money. Oh, you wanna go out drinking with your buddies? Skipping that pack of noodles you'll have for dinner won't afford you a beer.
>>59848387>Calling 40k enthusiasts jobless bums.>When partaking in the hobby is more expensive than a crack habit due to GW pricing methods.
>>59848419>avoiding the subjectI know multiple neckbeard who live with their parent and burn their social security money on 40K minis because fuck being a drone, amirite?
>>59848387>he thinks if i don't work in something that makes me miserable i'm a jobless neckbeard.keep projecting faggoti work in something i like and get enough money to sustain myself and my hobbies.
>>59843136Fuck off Derek
>>59848479I'll actually admit I might be at wrong here.>What's it like being a jobless bum?>It's not lucrative but i'm happy.Can you see why I'd believe you're a jobless neckbeard?Also, I don't think projection means what you think it does.
>>59844271*Fortunate Son plays in the distance*
>>59827363don't question it, derek
>>59848560>It's not lucrative>get enough money to sustain myself and my hobbies.Nice reading comprehension>I don't think projection means what you think it does.>every job were you don't work soul crushing hours makes you a broke neckbeardNo i think it's pretty spot on
>>59831992Kicking around a pile of legos gets boring after a while. You gotta build something before breaking it's fun.
>>59848627>every job were you don't work soul crushing hours makes you a broke neckbeardI never said that. I did however say>I'm an engineer; I get paid to do programming, which I love.and>Good luck sustaining yourself without money.But if you think that's projection maybe you should start using simpler words?
>>59848698oh im sory you're right you said>Loving your job doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is making money.Because you totally aren't contradicting yourself here.
>>59848783Actually, that was some other anon and I don't agree with him.
>>59848470Seriously? You need less shitty friends, Derek.
>>59848851Yeah, most of my friends are a lot more stable but sadly the majority of the 40K players at my age and vicinity are jobless neckbeards.Also, I called>Inb4 getting called Derek.so you totally can't call me that!I'll get mad or something
>>59848901Did someone piss in your coffee Derek? You’re an extra salty cunt today
>>59849039That's just the problem. Five hours of sleep and no coffee.
>>59844235I mean, they fire off so much dakka there has to be a significant chance that the stray bullets hit some planets in different systems
>>59832314I fucking love it.
>>59843967I love this thread
I’ve updated the 1d4chan page, look for 'New Terran Rangers'.
>>59836894You're totally missing the point, derek
>>59839550Fuck you derek
>>59849737Is that reaction pick from Do The Evolution (Baby (Yeah))?That's a very retro reference, anon.
Has this thread been archived for future reference?
Imagine the poor enginseers attending to the war machines
>>59850305i'm trying to decide between normal cogboys and their REEEEEing at the regiment antics or Dark mechanicus and going along with their shenanigans.
>>59850434Probably best for the joke if as few groups as possible know about it. So make it normal enginseers who are completely paranoid about what's going on.>Did... did that Chimera just *wink* at me?>APPLY THE UNGULANTS, JON! APPLY THE UNGULANTS! DON'T LOOK.
>>59848826then say that dipshit.
>>59850661>*Honk*>who honked the horn?>there's nobody inside the tank>what.dataslate>*Honk~*>by the Omnissiah how depraved.
>>59841684>Still asigned to this regiment. Someone high up must hates my guts>Today one of the privates tried to explain to me why painting our transports in flashy colours is a great idea>I swear I could hear the machine spirit call him names due to his backwards reasoning>Im sure hes lowered the IQ of the whole Hab block>They are so utterly dedicated that I havent had any change to BLAM any of them>My bolt pistol was red before this assignment>Now its blue>By the Emperor the Kriegers were easier to handle than this grox shit
I hope the regiment wear really camp and garish tiger skin camouflage.
this took too much effort
>>59851991As the anon of >>59837277 post I thoroughly appreciate the image. Thanks!
>>59831000Derek is an idea. Kind of like how that douche at work who cuts payroll and gives himself a raise is named dave. Derek gives boring, obvious, joke-killing answers.
>>59851991it's in the article nowhttps://1d4chan.org/wiki/New_Terran_Rangers
>>59851837I'm thinking either pure white trench coats that are somehow always spotless, or something akin to the Mordian Iron Guard, albeit even more garish.
At the end of the day, this thread has made me realize why entire planets worship the Chaos gods without ever realizing it's wrong.>"No, I swear, ever since I started worshiping the god of clams and horns, I have been like 300% more efficient! I can barely sleep! Every day, man, just better and better. I'm fucking KILLING it out there. I've also had a boner for like three days though and I don't want to see the doctor.">"You think that's good? I started worshiping the God of Complicated Knot Tying, and I actually invented a sub-bureaucracy in our office that circumvents the main planetary bureaucracy. We got our forms approved weeks earlier than the other offices! But they keep changing the snacks in the vending machine and the code to get what you want is one of those password authentication things that's always a new number every five minutes.">"I started worshiping the God of Being Okay With Things, and you know what? Our planetary poverty doesn't bother me anymore. In fact everything feels pretty alright. I'm going to take a nap.">"I HAVE BEGUN WORSHIPING THE GOD THAT KILLS FAMILIES, AND I HAVE KILLED MY NEIGHBOR'S FAMILY!"And then everyone explodes into tentacles and horror.
>>59853795Back in the old days (before grimderp became mandatory) the Chaos Gods actually had beneficial aspects. This is still paid lip-service, but it seems to get ignored in every case where it matters.
>Slaaneshi guardsmen begin to make waves.>Tzeentch, not wanting to be left out of the fun, starts his own guardsmen troop who miraculously always come back alive, turn tides and change the fate of the battlefield>Khorne starts getting pissed, forces his own troops to become raging guardsmen who win EVEN MORE battles than anyone else.>Nurgle is laughing his ass off and throws in some """""pure""""" guardsmen who never stop fighting.>All of chaos unites in a giant pissing contest to make the Imperium an unstoppable force.>God-emperor is gritting his teeth in rage>All the chaos gods are on his side and he can't say a fucking thing because they're doing good.
>>59854348You also didn't need to be a raving lunatic with chaos sigils branded on your forehead to be a cultist, or to empower the gods in general. You could just be an average bloke and your actions were all that was needed.Nowdays you can't be even slightly sympathetic towards chaos without turning into a crackwhore klingon.
>>59854413>the chaos gods start directing the chaos guardsmen to fight other forces of chaos, collectively attempting to cuck each other out of being better forces of the imperium, the emperor cries as chaos does better at killing xenos and other forces of chaos than regular imperial troops.
>>59851221>I am fully convinced that this regiment is part of degenerate Slaanesh cult>This is mainly due to the fact that their current Captain attempted to seduce me while sporting a disturbingly obvious erection >All attempts to have this declared a chaotic mutation have gone no where due to the fact everybody keeps telling me that its a "natural mutation and is even approved">Calling bullshit on this but with not proof of heresy I can't do much against this regiment>Now we are getting visited by other Guardsman regiments that are disturbingly good at their job and they all seem to hate each other>Worst part is they all this one weird quirk about them>Everybody knows the quick of my regiment with their sexual deviancy and devotion to improve, then their is the red regiment who are all melee experts and always charge head first causing massive amounts of blood to be shed, then there is that blue regiment that makes an ancient Terran theorist known as Machiavelli look like a child with the plans they enact along with the unusual amount of abhumans they have, finally their is this green regiment who can endure anything, they even shrugged off bolters like it was nothing and are always happy>I feel like I am in the middle of some great pissing contest among chaos but I can't do anything because these regiments do more damage against the enemies of man then any other force we have
>>59848136t. guy who earns exactly 60k/year
You know I was debating between starting a DKOK or Valhalla army but now my decision has been made for me. NTR it is, keep my sides as thanks.
>>59848136Imagine being this pathetic
Can we have an Imperial Slaaneshi Cult Regiment crossover with Warhammer Adventures?
>>59856967Sure, but it has to feature one of the guardsmen giving kids an important lesson! Those PSA's are important to ensuring our future youth's devotion to the Emperor!>I.G. Joeeeeeee! I.G. Joe is there!
>>59856967what are those children doing fighting the forces of chaos and the xenos. they'll be raped and murdered in manners more horrible than the mind can comprehend. Who is trying to market 40k to children?
>>59857027They're cultist children who had the same idea as the New Terran Rangers
>>59857230Ah, the newest detachment of the loli brigade, I see.
>>59857230The Imperial Slaanessh cult decided to pro create and spawned those adventurers
>>59857012>+++Thought for the Day: "The more you know, the more you slip towards damnation."+++
>>59834922NOT RIGHT NOW, DEREKI'M ENJOYING A TREAT, DEREK
>>59839853>>59839805Why not dazzle camo? It's fabulous and an actual thing.
>>59857904why the fuck is this a thing, what benefit does this actually give to paint shit like this?
>>59836262>Both: no sir Lord Commisar>p: hey John?>j: yes?>p: Cummisar>[MUFFLED KRIEGER GIGGLES]Fucking lost it.
>>59858118>Unlike other forms of camouflage, the intention of dazzle is not to conceal but to make it difficult to estimate a target's range, speed, and heading. Norman Wilkinson explained in 1919 that he had intended dazzle primarily to mislead the enemy about a ship's course and so to take up a poor firing position.https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dazzle_camouflageMakes sense
>>59858118Fucks with the outline so you can't tell what you're looking at, what direction it's going, and how fast it's moving.
>>59857904It's such a shame that dazzle isn't really viable anymore.
>>59858167>>59858199>>59858324Yep. I love the stuff, it's interesting to see it painted up.>>59858118If you're confused now, imagine an entire guard regiment painted up like this.
>>59858551>If you're confused now, imagine an entire guard regiment painted up like this.The Dazzle has to be in neon green, neon orange, and neon blue, though. Not just in B&W.
>>59851221>My bolt pistol was red before this assignment>Now is bluefucking kek
>>59836130You make them sound like Raksha.
>>59860144>implying thats a bad thing
>>59846488Please post when youre finished
>>59825070>mfw Tzeentch is trying to resurrect Malal
>>59864504>mfw when Tzeentch get so desperate to out plan Slaanessh that he resurrects an anti chaos god
>>59855256>Day 484 >Things are still weird as all hell>We ran into a bunch of Adeptus Sororitas the other day>I was fully expecting that my regiment would cat call them or do something likewise stupid and get us all torched>Instead they behaved and complimented them on their colour chocie for the orders uniform, "accesories" (aka rosariuses) and make up>Even the Captain behaved like a civilized person>It would have almost passed for a normal inspection>Almost>They stood at attention sporting nothing more than their boots, helmets and a piece of underwear whose straps rested on their shoulder>To top it all off they have covered themselves in clear oil>Were do they keep this things?>When questioned about this attire they responded that "It's a ceremonial outfit">God Emperor preserve me
>>59868578i've seen space marines do weirder shit, and kriegers can be worse then that at times with their weird almost worshipful views on death, it really is sometimes the culture m8.
>>59868854Too right mate. Those Catachans are even worse.
>>59869442Imagine the results of this regiment meeting catachans.
>>59869603>NTRs meet the Catachans>it turns into a flexing match and who can strike the best muscle pose.>with Sororitas watching the whole thing
>>59869805[AWAKEN MY MILITANTS!]
>>59824958>and sound like they're going to cum like all the fucking time.https://youtu.be/zdfxeZ5riOA
>>59826442Go fuck yourself Derek
>>59868578>>59869805>Day 759>Still assigned to these disguised Slaaneshi cultists>For some reason nobody is willing to believe me about all of them being heretics since they are to "perfect and holy" to be heretical>I may lack proof and started to go somewhat insane from the amount of warp dust I am exposed to thanks to these people but I swear I will have justifiable usage of my bolt gun>Anyway, for today's entry I am currently in an Imperial Transport due to the regiment going to some hell hole of a planet after hearing about it from some Catachan Chads>Only thing I know about the place is that they named the planet a shit show and every force in the galaxy is present on it>Only reason we are going is to collect lute, and mostly so that these faggots can show off how "devoted" they are to the Imperium>Of course when we started our trip the Gellar fields went down and the infested was infested with Khornate Daemon's>Instead of trying to unfuck the situation, these faggots decide to show the Emperor's wrath in an unconventional way>Based off the moans and screaming daemons, its probably heretical but these heretics will probably find a way to make it appear they were doing the Emperor's work>Especially the Captain, even if I have recordings of her shouting pic related to some Greater Daemon
>>59869941>By some Administratum error, a Custodes is sent to their planet they are fighting.>Commissar Derek Nophun gets increasingly more distraught as he joins the NTRs and Catachans flexing.
>>59826442It is now, Derek.
>>59870224>The application of "Sacred Oils" to 'ward off any evils' becomes more and more commonplace, much to the dismay of the Commissar and the unbridled joy of everyone else during the flex contests that have sprung up.>Notably, the oil is applied when hot - the moans of pain (at least, it's PRESUMABLY pain...) must be some strange form of devotion, surely?>The sun is shining brightly through most of the day, giving everyone the most glorious layer of sheen on their rippling muscles.>The "shirts vs skins" wrestling contest to prove the 'most glorious physical specimen' in both regiments devolved very quickly. Why they did the whole thing in a mud pit nobody will ever know.
>>59858812>>59858551I couldn't find guardsmen lineart, so I used the Denan Zon because it's the most imperial guard looking MS. I tried the neon colors, but it ended up being pretty ugly. I think the white really helps with the dazzle effect, so I used teal and purple like those old Costco cups.
>>59870363/fa/ as fuck
>>59846756>Commisar Nophun survives every single battleWhat devoted guard regiment wouldn't protect their higher-ups with everything they were capable of? No matter what happens, the priority is to keep the superior alive (also because he's not in on the joke, and you need people to keep the secret from otherwise it's not a secret).I like it.
>>59870557NTR just wouldn't be the same without having someone to play the clueless straight man.
>>59870557>Somehow an ork manages to breach the line and makes a dash to No Phun>Distracted, the Commissar takes a fatal blow>Or he would if not one guardsman blocking the strike with his body.>After the greenskin was put down the Commissar is asked to come closer.>"I couldn't let it kill you, the regiment needs you.">He then proceeds to give an inspirational speech of how much he values him and how important he is to the regiment.>Before dying he winks at him.>The Commissar is conflicted between morning his sacrifice and shooting him until the bolter ran dry
>>59870675>mfw The mental image of the salty grimace of Nophun during that last line
>>59870675>Later that night the commissar is talking to himself, frustrated at his regiment.>"They're so fucking horrible, but they're devoted as all hell, and I know that every one of them would give their lives for me. I don't know how I'm going to keep running this regiment... daddy prot-">Nervously looks around terrified and nervous to make sure none of the regiment are in earshot.>"Emperor protect me from this insanity."
This thread's been a fuckin' blast, can somebody put this up on suptg? It'd be for the Greater Good!
>>59870790>the next day as he walks for inspection he hears low mumbling, partially because of the masks.>"one of us, one of us."
>>59870887in their page in 1d4chanhttps://1d4chan.org/wiki/New_Terran_Rangers
>>59854413So this is how Khârn became a Commissar?
>>59870790>one day snaps>Tries to take his own life>guard suddenly between him and the bolter like pic related >”no escape....”
I cant remember the last time a /tg/ thread made me laugh so much
>>59870177>>59870224>>59870312>Today we fought tyrannids>I was hoping that either the regiment got nommed to death or that some pyrovore would vaporize me out of existence>No such luck>They posed menacingly at them>The fucking Custodes joined them to "raise moral">It wasnt moral what the guardsmen had raised>Things took a bad turn when the lictors showed up>Took a bad turn for the tyrannids>These lunatics just jumped at their tentacles>The lictors collapsed from the pile of lubricated guardsmen piling on them>They are so lubricated that the genestealers talons just slip inofensively off their skin>What is that oil made of?>Emperor protect me from these degenerates
>>59871855>while cleaning up i noticed a couple of the horns and spikes of the larger tyrannids were missing>whatthefuck.dataslate>then the night was louder than the battles as i tried to ignore the moans of several men and women>next day everyone were walking weirdly.>including some Catachans.>Oh Emperor its spreading.
>>59872080>Inspect everyone's tents, now its my chance to BLAM them for... Xenophilia.>nothing, the whole rediment was clean.>turns out the Catachans were the ones that did it, claiming they were good trophies to bring home.>hear snickering behind me.
I fucking love this thread
>>59874232We're autosaging new friend
>>59824958I'm so ready to try to convert some daemons of Slaanesh into a guardsmen squad now