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/tg/ - Traditional Games

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Our ongoing collaborative Warhammer 40,000 greentext saga continues.

New contributors are welcome to join in, feel free to make your own posts if you're following along.

Rules & recommendations:
-No time travel or crossovers from outside franchises
-Try to keep prominent canon characters and /tg/ memes to a minimum in favor of new content
-Please keep non-greentext posts and discussion to a minimum, and put them in spoiler tags when you must
-Try to maintain a consistent post length and keep from replying back and forth style; this is a collective story, not a quest or roleplay

Previous Thread Archives
Thread 1: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/58335731/
Thread 2: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/58415703/
Thread 3: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/58537811/
Thread 4: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/58639533/
Thread 5: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/58772704/

Link to discussion Discord for those interested:
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>Be me, Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>And I'm doing hard time on an Eldar Ship
>Seriously, rock hard time
>Not hard to stay loyal though
>Except that my cell mate Bubba... I mean Olga keeps looking at me with hungry eyes.
>Extramarital relations would be heresy, also I'm not into fat chicks.
>Actually, how is she still fat? We were lost at sea for ages.
>Eldar took my Evicerator, so I fashioned a new holy blade from an Ork tusk and thread I've been pulling off of Olga's uniform when she's asleep.
>Been using it to ward off her advances.
>So far I have kept her at bay.
>Gotta figure something out before this ship gets wherever we're going.
>One of these disgusting xenos is guarding our cell.
>Think it's a woman, but honestly all Eldar look like women.
>Hmm I may have a plan.
>Ask the Eldar if it has ever heard of the Emperor...
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>Be me, Sister Olga
>And as usual, everything sucks
>Captured by rape elves and stuck in a cell with this little asshole.
>You'd think I'd be used to him by now, but he finds a new way to be intolerable everyday.
>He keeps waving some Ork tusk he smuggled in at me whenever I try to plan our escape.
>Everytime I fall asleep I wake up with smoke in my lungs because the little prick keeps starting fires somehow, and I think he's using parts of my outfit to do it.
>No idea how he does it. Whenever I ask he waves that tusk at me and tells me to quit "putting the moves" on him.
>But, he might not be completely useless.
>Whenever this Eldar comes by to check on us he starts talking to her, and she actually seems to have started to listen.
>Maybe he has an escape plan and he's just not sharing it because he's worried about recording.
>He does apparently have a way with fucked up turbosluts.
>Over time she's actually coming right up to the cage
>Wait, are they touching hands?
>is this actually going to...
>NOPE, he just stabbed her with that fucking tusk a bunch of times screaming about cleansing the xeno.
>Didn't even grab for a key card before she collapsed away from the cell.
I like to think the pirate orks tell wildly exaggerated tales of bloated she-beast, that feasts on the flesh of fallen boyz .
>Be me, Skitari Guard at Mecha City 1
>Mostly stand around and make sure none of the mutated weirdos from the rest of this planet try to get in
>Or anyone else really, because fuck these people
>Got awesome gear from the Omnissiah, a bunch of gun servitors, and Im literally metal as fuck.
>Mostly just deal with refugees
>Assholes from Angel's landing get on "boats" and trek hundreds of miles across the sea to escape that shithole.
>Boats are apparently some sort of ship that cant fly or even drive on land
>Probably the most pleb vehicle I ever heard of
>Usually just sink the ships as far off shore as we can.
>Would be mad but its honestly the most exciting part of my day.
>Be Leslie Lunasta, resident of Mecha City 1
>Married for love, which is why Im raising 3 kids im a single room
>Husband has an idea
>Thinks he can move up the ranks quicker if he has some bionics
>Says hes the second fastest worker on his shift on his section of the line in the factorum so theyll have to give him some if hes hurt
>His buddy helps him set up an "accident"
>He loses both of his arms
>He did get his implants, when they converted him into a servitor
>Receive 2 days extra rations to compensate me for my loss
>Tfw I heard his buddy is single
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>"Gather round ya gits!"
>"I'm gunna tell ya a tale!"
>"In da wata's we sail der be a gnashy ol beast!"
>"Blubbery an' foul!"
>"She follows da ships"
>"An whena boy er grot falls off"
>"Inna scrap ora fall"
>"She gobbles 'em up!"
>"An' grows evva fatta!"

>"Down below da waves"
>"She waits wit all 'er mass"
>"She gobbles up da boyz,"
>"An' adds da fat to her ass!"
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>Be skitarii ranger alpha
>Be named Clank Eastcog
>Life out in the unnatural Terran Deserts has been getting too fucking weird for me
>There are cacti here.jpg
>Seriously, I had a duel at high noon with a genestealer bandit
>But I've heard all the admech are moving to their own island
>I've got to get there, back to non stupid civilization
>Three of the rangers under my command have been killed by tumbleweeds
>Also I have a mech-horse
>I don't want a mecha-horse
>It completes the image too much
>Why is the universe trying to make me a cowboy?
>Fuck it, if I get to Mecha City 1 I can take off my hat and throw away my spurs
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>be Canoness
>royally fucking pissed, but what else is new
>the Ecclesiarchy and the Abbess herself are... unhappy with the way things have gone on the planet
>we happened to misplace a Living Saint, and nobody is quite sure where the Bishop is either
>and you might say that the planet's development as a Shrine World and base for the Tomis Crusade is behind schedule
>not to mention that there are still members of at least five xenos species present
>despite having over a thousand Sisters and a rainbow's worth of Space Marine chapters around
>on top of that, the Ecclesiarchy and the Mechanicus have stopped just shy of engaging in open warfare
>and of course, all these things get mentioned with the implication that they're somehow my fault
>rather than acknowledging my place as the glue that keeps this shithole from falling apart completely
>apparently they feel that I require extra help
>which would be a welcome change if their idea of "extra help" wasn't putting more obstacles in my way
>an assembly has been called
>representatives from the Ecclesiarchy and Ordo Hereticus, and Missions from more than a half a dozen minor Sororitas Orders
>all coming here to decide "how best to proceed" with Stercus Ludicrum, an indication that none of them have a fucking clue what goes on around here
>set up in the Temple of the Auburn Vestal in preparation
>that's what they were calling the little monument they built on the hill where Saint Brigitte first appeared to Imperial forces
>the surrounding area is underwater now, but the temple was on high enough ground to become an island, a "further sign of divine provenance"
>as if the God-Emperor in his supreme glory gives two golden shits about what happens to a little marble shack on top of a rock
>guess stretching his power just enough to ensure some water didn't rise above sea level was as much of a miracle as this place deserves
>but the structure was a little quaint for my tastes
>so I had the Squats build a castle on top of it
Thank you, that just brightened my day
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>be me, Romeo
>hottest sergeant of the Salamanders
>the Mechanicus have almost completely moved out of the city
>which means the city is the most peaceful it's been in a long time
>which gives us a chance to fix the blasted place
>I've been negotiating with various high ranking members of the Astartes chapters still within the city
>turns out most of them have some "irreplacable" and "unique" wargear that needs fixing
>still, they need repairing, and coming to the Salamanders means they dont have to enter the damn Mechanicus/Ecclesiarchy conflict
>which means I get to ask for favours in exchange
>these favours can be anything from getting the more zealous chapters to leave the squats alone
>seriously we need them you idiots
>to allowing me to direct them in cleaning up the city
>starting by establishing a safezone for civilians around the city centre
>wish I had some of Dorns sons for the fortifications
>then I'll have them slowly move outwards, retaking Angel's landing from top to bottom
>I know there are beastmen in the flooded district
>and of course there's that cultist somewhere
>and then there's the flooding itself
>it's a long road ahead
>but now that I've managed to get these Astartes off their collective asses
>maybe this city can get back on it's feet
>Be Captain Thorn
>After having to postpone hunt for relics due to needing to wait for some voxcast to happen with the planetary governess, decide it would be a good idea to get that Colonel back to the planet
>That was somewhat complicated due to the fact that the crazy commissar lady is shaking him up and down with unrealistic speed
>Had to physically restrain her to make sure the Colonel is still somewhat more responsive then a servitor
>The wench somehow managed to damage my terminator armor in the process, one of the few relics my chapter has left thanks to our Chapter Master
>Restrained myself from punting her back to the planet with my boot since it would be a waste of the Emperors currency and just shove them into the craft so that we can get off this moon
>Over course nearly half of the Guard ships escorting them were either damaged or destroyed due to untold naval conflicts happening above orbit
>Luckily the important one didn't die so they were acceptable if disheartening causalties
>Though now I need to see that Salamander squad over repair rights of my armor
>I hope he accepts tech marines as payment.
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>Be me Inquisitorial Crusader Dietrich Wegstein
>Finally I got on a track, found the Ork Camp
>Try to carfully move into it while staying untedected
>But of course, thats not sneaking, because that is for honourless bitches.
>mfw a horde of fanatics led by some minor ecclesiarch show up and explode into the camp in a storm of violence, gunfire, flamers and mad screaming
>Decide to help them out and search for the boy
>Slaughtering Orks and runnig trough their camp while screaming ALEX gives me weird looks, but the zealots can fugg off and the priests with them, they are warriors of faith of course, but they lack style
>Because Crusaders are hands down the swaggest under the religious fanatics
>Zealots are dirty murderhobos
>And surely, Priests and Crusaders both fight and preach, but the difference is, one does is in top notch carapace armor and the other in a frilly dress
>tfw Inquistorial Equpiment
>Now lets see if I can find that boy
>be me, sybarite Drazar
>probably have a concussion
>some stupid bird thing threw a fucking brick at me
>A fucking brick!
>bright side is that the fucker got chucked out the door by Greg the grotesque
>I didn't name it
>the saint is getting snappy, and I'd rather be drunk right now
>I'm gonna have to fight some mon'keigh with a splitting headache
>I'm gonna have to talk to some stupid dock workers to get a spot
>all this for some wine
>we literally traveled to commorragh for some fucking wine
>I thought maybe letting some boarders on would be nice
>liven things up eh?
>and here I sit, in pain
>slowly turn to look at saint
"I wish I would've dumped you with the Archon"
>Be me, Drathor
>The Last Crasher, Problem Child, roadtripper
>So yeah, me and Julius managed to get out of the city
>Judging from the fact that Imperials seemed to actually be getting their shit together, great fething timing
>So see I was tired after our great escape
>So I tell Julius to hold down the fort, and let me know when he wants me to drive
>Slip off to the tune of this death trap on wheels running down the highway
>Music is blaring
>Look over to see Julius just having the time of his life
>You know he can actually do some cool moves with that tentacle
>And that...snake....
>What the feth have I gotten into
>Look out towards the road
>Turn to Julius calmly
>Ask him calmly where the road is
>Ask him calmly how long we've been driving through what I can only describe as a desert
>Calmly as possible inform him that I don't even think I can tell where we are
>Glad to see my luck isn't just shitty in Angel's Landing
>Be Colonel
>so sitting here on this moon has been boring as all fuck, holy shit I want to kill myself
>well might as well sit and wait for longer
>at least I have friends here
>oh shit
>they're here
>the rescue team has finally arrived yes
>a few marine chapters have arrived, my troops, nice good job boys
>oh no God Emperor no
>she's here
>fucking get her away
>fucking getting shaken madly for no god damn reason
>apparently getting teleported to the moon through no fault of my own is my fault
>fucking bitch
>anyway now I can do that interview thing and be more useful in imperial affairs and not sitting on a damn moon
>it's sad the Eldar isn't allowed on, tell her on the slide she can stow away and then run after that farseer when we land
>anyway it's time to get back to work
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>Be me, Dalmier
>Fucking rebuilding is coming along nice
>Idiot little brothers went off to go rage against the Necrons that supposedly stole more of our shit from us
>Beach defenses are coming along nice
>Mortals took to it quite nicely
>They seemed to be having fun...
>Too much fun.....
>I'll deal with that later
>Atleast one thing those fucking idiots did has benefited my efforts
>They went out to go fight for the planet
>Brought some mass conveyors back to Angel's Landing
>Apparently those Gearboys decided to be dickwads
>What wrenched their testicogs
>Doesn't matter, I can use the distraction
>Salamanders have been helping out
>Even managed to set up safe zones for civies
>Fly down with out ships
>Stroll on out
>Guess who's getting drafted into The Chapter
>They're laughing but I'm completely serious
>Managed to load a couple thousand up into the mass conveyors
>Only had to discipline a handful
>Let's see them complain after getting their mouths washed out with soap
>Anyway, load them up
>Take off and fly back to Seventh Haven
>Notify the Governess of my thanks for her co-operation during our trying time
>I'll have to get her a ImperialPod XII or whatever the kids are raving about these days.
>be me
>Siv Trygvesdottir
>the Squat

>we are doing much work with the city Angels's Landing
>with no more Mechannicus to be in the city there are many things to be doing
>we and the Salamanders Marrines are working very closely
>they are very nice to be kind to us, the Salamander Marrines
>the cityzens and the others Marrines they are not always so kind to the Squats, because the Emperor was very tall and we are not so

>the Canoness she was taking many of the Squats out away to be building a fortress for her out in the oceans
>for this we are very good at
>no person builds better forts than the Squats
>and we perhaps we are hoping to get some practice before we are starting on our own Stronghold here on Sterrcus
>we have already picked a very nice mountain, very pretty

>another thing, I must confess to that I much like the Salamander Marrines sergeant that I have been doing works with
>we fixed a Land Raider for the Red Templars Marrines together
>all of the lascannons I had to do the works on as they had been blown out
>had to be replacing all of the ignition coils one at a time, very painstaking
>he told me I had done a very good work and I felt very warm on the inside
>my assistant Klara she tells me that, Space Marrines, they do not like girls
>but I had heard of a big thing about a Space Marrine and a Battle Sister before we arrived so it is clear that is not the truth
>and the Squats all tell that I am a very pretty girl, I have many suitors in the Engineers Guild
>maybe perhaps a little too skinny, but I am only a little thumb under five feet, which you know is very tall for a girl
>so my chances are quite good I think
>Be Commissar Flavia
>so after fucking getting on this "rescue" mission we've arrived on the god damned moon
>this bitch of a colonel and his fucking moustache
>this inept retard
>what a fucking moron getting stuck on the moon
>fucking autist thinking he can hide tanks from me just because he doesn't want me to "ruin" them
>fucking tard like fuck just stop being bitch
>fucking dumb cunt
>anyway now we can get back to the normal order of things, me insulting his moustahce
>and him doing nothing so he doesn't get shot
>ha fucking dicknugget
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>be me, Julius, Sororitas-Slayer
>got out of the city in one piece
>Drathor is taking a nap
>start fiddling with the buttons
>might as well know what they all do since I'm gonna be driving it a lot
>it plays music!
>I think I like this music
>oh, hey, Drathors up!
>he wants to know where the road is
>they have those outside of cities?
>havent seen any since we left
>how long?
>I dunno, I'm bad with time
>getting kind of hungry as well
>ask Drathor where the snacks are
>he goes a bit pale
>we dont have any?
>no problem!
>I'm a great chef
>pull over by one of the weird spiky green things that dot the desert
>Walter says I have to use my warp powers every so often or they'll start leaking out again
>and we want to stay sneaky
>point at it
>the food I can make is so convenient
>gather most of it up
>find a sandwich that wiggles when you touch it
>toss Drathor a set of ribs with hooves while I chow down
>was tempted to save it, but Drathor's my bestie, so I'm gonna cut him in on the good stuff
>he just stares at it
>guess he's not hungry
>Be The Tzaangor known as Plank
>I believe that my name back when I was an inferior human was “Darius”
>Or something like that
>It does not really matter
>The human I was was violent, short sighted, and dumb
>Now I am intelligent, forward facing, and...
>Well, still violent, but now directed and purposeful.
>You would be amazed on how quickly the evicted will vacate the premises when you threaten to beat them to death with a rock
>However, Brick Corp, currently under mine own management due to our founder Brick chasing after true love, has encountered a problem that cannot be solved by beating people with rocks
>Well, no rocks we possess at the moment at least
>The boys in R&D are currently working on that
>However, in the immediate sense, the humans are becoming aware of the glorious Tzaangors who are building condos and hotels
>Due to their inferior minds, they despise our bird-like visages
>And unfortunately, we do not yet possess the Rubrick of Brick to turn every human on the planet into a tzaangor
>So, we are instead working on a workaround so we might maintain our construction contracts with the city
>Not only are we discreetly funding several Abhuman Rights campaigns with dark money AND dark magic,
>Thank you Citizens United
>We are also creating a more... public face to appeal to the public and the government
>And it all starts with Intern Cinderblock
>Still unfortunately a human, he has proven his skills well enough to be granted a tzaangor name
>And according to some humans, he is quite photogenic and charismatic
>I don’t really see it
“Crawk! Intern Cinderblock! You help Brick Corp increase market share! No hit hummies! Much talkie! Get suit! Marketing blast! Get word out!”
>See? Much more charismatic.
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>Be Clank Eastcog
>I'm riding through the desert
>On my cyber-horse
>Wearing a cowboy hat
>Fuck my life, by the way
>Anyways, I'm making my way towards angel's Landing so I can get a boat and take it to Mech City 1 so I can get away from this nonsense when I see two guys get out of a beat-up, dusty car
>Fuck me, I want that thing
>Any machine to be in other than on this fucking horse
>Anything to ruin the cowboy image, seriously
>How do those golden light bitches handle it all the fucking time?
>Anyways, I'm about to walk up to them and ask them for a ride, when one of them turns a cactus into a pile of writhing but strangely appetizing meat
>There's two possibilities about that
>Either that's a heretical witch
>Or I've been out here so long I'm hallucinating
>Fuck it, taking the risk
>I'm assuming the latter and just walking up to them
>I clear my mechanical throat and light up a lho-stick
"Hey, you guys, willing to give a guy a lift out of this fucking desert?"
>Be me, Drathor
>These ribs are flailing
>Making small screams
>I am beginning to regret my choice of companion
>There's got to be a Space Denny's out here where I can get some actual food
>See a tumbleweed go by for some reason
>Hear some clanking
>This fething tech priest shows up
>Smoking a Iho-stick
>Wearing a stupid hat
>A familiar stupid hat
>Throw my flailing "food" at his face
>Take the wheel, and kick up the engine
>Hope this cowpoke doesn't mind the dust in his gears
>I ain't dealing with anymore western fethers
>be me, Romeo
>hottest Sergeant of the Salamander
>why did I ever think the sons of Dorn being here would be a good thing?
>that's a bit of an exaggeration, Captain Thorn was quite helpful
>paid for the repair of his terminator armor in tech marines
>whatever, I'll take it, could use all the help I can get
>no, the problem was the fists with the sandcastle base
>they flew in recently
>figured they were just here for a few repairs
>might be able to get a few fortifications out of the deal
>next time I look up they're kidnapping civilians!
>they scarper off before I can get close to them
>can't give chase without leaving the city
>turn to the squat thats been following me around
>guildmasters daughter I believe
>she's become something of an assistant to me as of late
>politely request that she set up a call to Captain Thorn
>maybe he can sort out his subordinate
>I better get another promotion after all this
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>be Palatine Sara
>some rescue mission this turned out to be
>pinned in a starship hallway with the Inquisitor, the Farseer, the Librarian and half the Marines we showed up with
>things aren't looking up for our chances
>the damn Eldar were waiting for us
>no contact with the Solar Hawks and not even sure we could make it back to the Thunderhawk if we decided to split
>and worse, the ship isn't just in the Webway anymore, it's in Commorragh, the city of the Dark Eldar
>or so I'm told
>really more of a "plains and prairies" kind of lady, this is all new to me
>get flashed a signal
>means I'm up to the plate, which means Wyches
>keep behind a Purple Stars partner to block shots as we round the corner, drawing my pistols
>there's more than a dozen xenos coming
>ten of those harlots with swords and swimsuits for armor
>start taking my shots
>hit skulls with each one
>aim my last two for the eyes of a Kabalite rushing at us, but the crafty bastard gets his big meat cleaver up in time to shield his face from the first one
>hit him in the knuckle with the second
>think I spooked them a bit when I first arrived, but they've started to figure me out
>the Emperor guides all my bullets but he doesn't make them do any more than they would when they get there
>and the Eldar are getting wise to that after the first couple dozen warriors I dropped with shots through their visors and mouthpieces
>drop the pistols in their holsters and lift my large-bore shotgun from its sling
>fire right when he lifts his sword to swing
>the shot rips his arm off at the shoulder and paints the wall behind him
>duck back around the corridor as splintergun fire comes my way
>more xenos coming
>got faith in spades, sure, I'm a Sister after all
>but I'm not positive we're gonna be the ones to rescue the Living Saint
>at least not this way
>Be Elmas Frud, Inquisitor of the Ordo Xenos
>I have managed to get my dawk eldar induced lisp partially under control
>Partially being the unfortunate qualifier
>We weally should've expected higher resistance than we did.
>Emperor, I'M the person who's supposed to suggest that!
>Damn dawk eldaw, messing with my mind!
>And screw that awchon most of all!
>He taunts me, but doesn't show his face!
>I'll show that wascally dawk eldaw
>We'll wescue that wiving saint and get back to Angel's Landing!
>A... abhuman beastman of some kind joined our pawty at some point
>We've wefwained fwom executing him for the moment, as the Farseer says we shouldn't
>And as one of those "radical" inquisitors who thinks we SHOULDN'T shoot edlaw on sight, I'm inclined to take her advice
>Since she can see the future
>Unfortunately, the bird-goat thing has not been much help
>And it keeps trying to sell me stock in its company
>It says its been to the "bird lady's cage" before being chased out
>But I don't trust it
>You can't trust a man with a beak for a face, that's what my mother always said
>She was weird
>Be Sister Rebar, proud servant of God-Emperor Brick!
>Once I was a lowly urchin, and now I am a proud member of the Bird Adepta Sororitas!
>And also the only member of the Bird Adepta Soroitas!
>I’m not really a Sister of Battle.itsalllies
>I just used to think they were really cool back when I was a human
>And when Lord Brick brought us to the Great Mage, I thought it was the perfect time to reinvent myself
>My name’s not even Rebar
>Well, it is NOW
>But it used to be Rebecca
>I just changed it to Rebar because everyone else was naming themselves after construction materials
>I mean, I’m not complaining that I’m a bird now
>It’s really liberating actually
>The immediate instinct to just hit people in the head with rocks
>It makes life so much simpler
>And that is why I have dedicated my life to Brick!
>All heretics that reject Brick will burn!
>That’s proper sister of battle behavior, right?
>I mean, I can’t really do that because I don’t have a flamer
>Or even matches
>But a girl can dream, right?
>I really just want Brick to notice me and give me an official position in Brick Corp
>Preferably close to him
>Well, at least I’ve kind of lucked into a temporary managerial position
>I’ve lead Bird Team 6 ever since Lord Brick valiantly charged ahead to save Saint Brigitte
>I wish I had gloriously glowing wings and saint magic
>Enough of that Rebecca!
>I mean, Sister Rebar
>You need to help Lord Brick!
>And that is why I am leading my glorious fellow birds to storm this spiky ship’s bridge!
>Be Fessus
>Woken up by the sun shining down on my face from the window
>Wake up in my sleeping bag in somebody’s apartment
>Oh wait. It’s MY apartment
>damn i love being able to say that
>Take a look outside the window of my apartment
>Oh wait that’s right.
>my BEACHFRONT apartment!
>Go to my bathroom to go cleaned up in the shower using Running Water and, wait for it, SOAP.
>That’s right, soap
>And not just that stuff they make out of corpse fat to root out Nurgites. I mean for real, honest to Emperor, smells like daffodils (or so i’ve been told) actual soap!
>Let me just say, if you had asked me a few years ago what i had thought my retirement would like, i Definetly wouldn't have said this.
>Hell, i would laughed at the word retirement
>Even before I got roped into the PDF, I was never that well off
>The only thing i had inherited from my parents was a family history of working their knuckles to the bone from their teens till their either died in a back alley somewhere, with their kidneys mysteriously missing, or offed themselves
>The only thing that changed when i enlisted was that I cut out the mind-numbing middle part and gained a chance of dying in a more spectacular fashion,
>That may not sound like all that, but believe you me, outlandish deaths of relatives were a currency at family re-unions
>The folks would have been like ‘Oh what’s that? Your Rufus died by crashing into a promethium truck during a highspeed chase with the Arbites after his third count of public masturbation? Well our Fessus over here got vaporized fighting crazy killer robot skeletons for the glory of the Emprah. So suck it Margret!’
>...Emprah-damn my family was almost as bad as thise Goth Sisters
>But you know what? That doesnt matter because they’re all dead and look at me now!
>Rich, handsome, and retired young!
>Well okay, so i’m not exactly rich
>or technically retired
>but Between what we made working for Admech and from certain pieces of tech that happened to be “lost” during acquisition and suddenly found themselves in Seth’s hands, we’ve got some dough stowed away
>enough that we can live off of for quite some time, especially since the Birdbrains that run this place take the rent in bricks
>and since our new Employer of the month, Missy, hasn’t tried to find us since we “died”, and we didn’t want to bother her with such trivial information at such a trying time, we haven’t had any work.
>but hey, at least i’m still handsome, right!
>...something must be wrong with the damn mirror today.
>get dressed and go to the Kitchen for my morning recaff.
“Marcus, please man come on, gimme the remote, you’ve been hoggin it all day.”
“I told you Lloyd, No.”
“But i gotta watch the game this afternoon. It’s gonna be the first game of the newly recreated Base foot basket hockey ball league and i just can’t miss it.”
“But it’s a little league game between the local scholas.”
“I know! Crazy right? BFBHB has never been this big before!”
“Well then maybe you should have gotten here first. You snooze you lose mate.”
“You’ve been here since 2:00 AM watching your stupid soap opera.”
“The early worm gets the bird Lloyd.”
>Marcus is still in his sleeping bag, situated on the only good chair we could find while Lloyd stands over him.
>The rest of our living room furniture is made of rebar duct taped together
>eat/drink my recaff while Trying to ignore their incessant bickering
>I really envy Phil right now.
>he’s gone out for brunch with Maria
>lucky bastard
>I dont see Decarus here so he’s probably still sleeping
“Well if you get the remote then i’m at least taking the good chair. You’ve already got enough natural cushion in that flabby butt of yours ya lazy bastard!”
“Hey hey Hey! What do you think you’re doing!?”
>Be Original Commissar
>Awaiting patiently for the Colonel to arrive at the port while other me is doing the ever fun task of planning security for an opening to some new talkshow that somebody will try to fuck up
>Neither of us could tell which one was worse so we just tossed a coin, we then decide to use a dice since the coin kept landing on its side
>Only thing to keep me company is the sound of battle that is always happening within the confines of Angles Landing, or anywhere in this planet
>Though the Emperor has rewarded my patience with the arrival a Thunderhawk containing the Col..
>Upon looking inside the craft I notice several disturbing details, mainly the Colonel has a thousand yard stare that screams he has seen shit, followed by an Imperial Fist Captain walking out in horrifically damaged Terminator armor."
>"By the Emperor Colonel, what happened on that moon to cause you to be in this state."
>He just looks at me for a moment and just shrugs his head over to the Commissar women accompany him who has that "I want to murder somebody in unspeakable ways" face that can rival the Canoness.
>Decide details are not important and inform them of the transports ready to take them to the mansion along with where his troops can stay
>Can only imagine the horrors he must have dealt with on that moon, especially when some Eldarfag pops out of nowhere and scampers off into the city
>Some inqusitor can deal with the xeno later, I have more important things to do such as finally dealing with the multiple zones that are infected by weird bird abhumans who are probably Tzeentchian fags
>Would have been more worried if it weren't for the fact that all they seem to do is chuck and worship bricks, area is even called Bricktown by the Guardsmen due to it
>Fucking Heretics
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>be me, Julius, the Sororitas-Slayer
>be enjoying delicious meal with my bestie Drathor
>suddenly he throws it out the window
>wait, no, he was throwing it at someone!
>guy has a hat kinda like Walter
>quiet walter
>but he also has the same robe as that guy I saw stab an old lady for no reason
>also a very upset set of ribs around his face
>Drathor has the same idea, guns the engine
>I turn the music back on
>lean out the window
>point a finger at his vehicle
>can't see what it turned into cause of the dust kicked up by the car
>whatever, we're outta here
>finish my wiggle sandwich
>oh hey
>I have an extra tounge now
>now all this food I made will be twice as tasty
>offer drathor some wings
>but not like bird wings
>they're kind of thin and chewy
>still good though
>he doesn't take any
>must be focused on driving
>Be Warboss 'Ead-Krumpa
>Iz been a while since we looted da blue gits' Krooza an' parked it next to my Krooza
>Ovva Orks also landed dem Rokks next to me Twin Kroozas
>Also seems dere be more water den usual, dis Ork-town be roit next to da water
>Somehow end up as da main boss of dis joint
>Big Mek Krom's makin' sure da water stays outta da Ork-town
>Makin' a dam outta spare Roks wiff da ovva Meks
>An' so we call dis Ork-town New Orkster-Dam
>Still got Weird-Dok Gutpoker ta take care of dat humie grot, Axe or summink
>Gutpoker really likes Axe now
>Even his belly squig Belly lets Axe pet it now
>Still waitin' for dat ded killy humie-nid to show up
>Or any Ty-roo-nids, even
>But da Chief Boss life be busy
>Gotta keep all dese Bosses from krumpin' up New Orkster-Dam
>An' keep any humie warband from krumpin' it up here too
>So's I send dem Bosses up wiff da Freeboota captains ta raid humie towns ta keep them from pickin' foits with ovva Orks
>But dere's only so much humie towns near here, it ain't gonna last
>Still not seen Fiddy fer a while
>Really miss his Teef-conomics now
>An' dere be boids from 'Brikk-korp' tryin' ta set up shop in New Orkster-Dam
>Fuggit, why not
>Be me, Drathor
>I need some real grub.
>Looks like a small town is coming up
>Why is it out in the desert...
>Don't worry about it, just keep driving
>Immediatly place looks weird
>Some shacks, some cabins, I think there are a few outhouses
>See a few stores coming up
>I think
>Nah that'll race right through me
>Can't even see an obvious entrance
>.....Is this place mocking me?
>Oh shit wait
>Slam on the breaks
>Old looking building that says "Gas"
>It also says Southern Style Tyranid jerky
>Turn off the car and hop out
>Tell Julius to fill it up, I'll be right back
>Hope he can do that without turning our engine into a grox or something
>Be me "Intern Cinderblock"
>Except my name's not fucking Cinderblock
>It's Jeremey
>So this is the story
>All about how
>My life got fucked
>Turned upside down
>And I'd like to take a minute
>Just sitting right here
>I'll tell you how I started working for these fucking birds
>In West Angel's Landing
>Born and raised(Well, it used to just be "The Capital, but the Bishop renamed it)
>In the Slums is where I spent most of my days
>Chillin' out, maxin', relaxin' all cool
>And all shootin' some bolters outside of the bars
>When a fucking bird threw a brick at my head
>Started rounding up a bunch guys
>And I got roped in
>And he said
>"You! Join me! Brick Corp!"

>And then that insane fucking abhuman took us to this fucking traitor witch guy with two heads
>And he turned all my friends into shrieking bird idiots!
>Even fucking Pauli
>Though he went fucking insane and goes by "Plank" now
>They even got Rebeca...
>I managed to escape that whole fucking mess because I had to piss
>But If I had gone on my way their I would be calling myself Pipe and hitting squatters with fistfuls of gravel
>And now I work for all of them, the fucking bird mutants
>Because what the fuck else am I supposed to do?
>The Flamer Bitches would kill me for association
>And amazingly the fucking birds DO actually pay me
>Seriously, I get payed more than anyone working in a factorum that isn't a manager
>Yeah, fuck, I'm working for these insane birds
>Who now want me to act as their public face to talk to actual people
>Because, you know, they're shrieking bird mutants
>Fuck my life
>They got me a fancy suit, some gold rings, and gave me a good shave and a haircut
>Fuck me if I know where the hell they got a perfectly tailored suit
>Sometimes I wish I had been caught in the whole mutation thing
>My old friends seem to be enjoying themselves if any fragment of them still exists behind those stupid bird eyes
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>Randle Cuthbert, taxi driver, at your service
>business is good
>little folk in town are always polite and pay well
>at least, on the way to the pub
>they occasionally offer their mechanical skill as payment, brilliant fellows
>but all sort of people need to be taken between the islands
>the greenskinds tend to get a little frisky these days
>So I try to keep close to spires
>Right now I'm cruzing what looks to be rather large parking lot of ash wastes
>odd looking xenos plants, probably greenskin eggs
>delivering some possibly unlawful package to mech town for my pal Rick
>ash driving sure is boring
>check vox for show governess has been yappin all about
>Only droll military chatter, sigmer omego three for the emper and all that
>see a figure
>in an exotic hat?
>pls be cute golden light dame with a harmonica or something
>pull up
Randy Cuthbert, taxi driver, at your....
>FETH, it's one of them cogboys
>time for another dramatic peel out...
>and he's got some big nasty gun
...eh, need a ride sir?
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>Be Clank Eastcog
>A taxi just drove up
>I had to just run away from a mutant fucking horse after pulling a mutant sandwich off my face
>I desire to sit in this machine
>I desire to go anywhere but back into that desert
"Indeed good sir. I would prefer you take me to Mecha City 1, but really anywhere would be better than out in the deserts."
>I get in the back of his car
>Very well armored
>I respect that
>I offer him a lho-stick
>Be Colonel
>dropping down on planet would be great if it weren't for the bitch
>she fucking comes on the rescue just to fuck insult me and then ruins the armour of a poor marine
>like holy shit woman, why are you so nuts?
>one of the cool Commissars asks whats wrong so I happily gestured to the thorn in my arse
>and on the slide whispered to make sure she's not allowed in the interview thing, or if it's possible reassigned fully, but I doubt that would happen
>anyway it's time to prep and let my troops rest because what we were supposed to be defending is now gone
>also am asked what went down
>simply say fucking Eldar
>and leave it at that
>also see that one Eldar who I befriended run off, sneakily wave at her and watch her run off
>I hope I see her again some day, she was nice
>time to get ready for an interview with the governess now though
>Randle Cuthbert, Taxi Driver, at your service
>Emperor damned cogboy doesn't start howling heresy, just hops in, the bastard
>optics are a bit sun parched methinks
>hands me a fag, lights it with a digital do-dad
"Cinch your bolts my friend, I believe the roads out here are a little worse for development.
And, ey, if we happen to come upon any greenskin bandits, roll down that there window, and give em a good zapping extreme"
>only have a vague idea of the route, so I follow some tire tracks
>Cogboy stays quiet, Iho jammed into his vox grill, I guess he needs to... recharge?
>slide my favorite vox-slate into the hailer "ecstasy of golden light"
>we ride into the sunset
>Be Captain Thorn
>As expected Salamander Sargent was a bro and fixed up the sacred terminator armor in exchange for the Imperial Fists tech marines support
>Though he did go a bit overboard with the whole decoration thing, especially with the scales
>At the same time it does look bitching so I can't really complain
>To bad it can't really mask the shame I am currently going through with fortifying the part of the city me and untold number of Astartes obliterated in some drunken riot over the artifact bet
>I can always feel Dorn's disappointment in me whenever I recall those events
>Only penitence for it is making sure the area becomes one of the most well fortified places in the city, barring Governesses mansion since we completed fortifications for that long ago
>That and also that one small outpost a Veteran Sargent is over seeing, apparently he managed to get some more helpful hands
>Wonder how he is doing
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+++Rembrance records of shrine world Tomis+++


Depicts noteworthy sororitas of the Order of the Ermine mantle, present at the first battle of Stercus Ludicrum, in the Cold Shoulder system. The arch cathedral would be renamed, the "temple of the avenging angels of the Ermine Mantles landing" in their honor, and are credited with being the first to avert the destruction of the planet, although the details are currently unknown.

From left to right, Canoness Konstanzia, Saint Brigitte, Sister-retributor Olga, Sister-adept Lydia*, Sister-Charlotte, And Sister-Famillus Karmistha**.

Archivists notes:
While multiple documents reference the existence of a sister within the Order known as *****, there are no official documentations or evidence that such an individual exists. By decree of the **** ******, these inconsistencies of data are to be assumed to be heretical manipulation, and disregarded. The Emperor protects.

*Sister-adept Lydia is noted for holding the most combat citations in the order, bearing 148 purity seals
**Sister-Famillus Karmistha did not participate in an active combat role. It should be remembered not to, under any circumstance, allow Sister-Famillus Karmistha to view an artistic depiction of vid-pict of herself.


Thought for the Day: suffer not the real estate market to bubble
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>Be Sister Yada of the Order of the Ermine Mantle
>Well, not really a Sister of Battle
>I'm a Sister of Battle in the same way Missy is
>Meaning that I am technically trained for battle
>But I never actual do it
>I mostly just serve as the Order's clerk
>You'd think we'd have someone actually from the Administatum to do the job
>But the Canoness never trusted those people even before they accidentally dropped an ocean on Stercus, with some sand to top it off
>Anyways, sorting through the various documents
>We get a lot of complaints for improper behavior
>Also going through the personal allowances we receive
>Miiiiight be embezzling a little bit
>I mean, Olga's missing right now
>She doesn't need that allowance to feed her donut addiction
>Might as well go to me getting something nice for myself
>Thank the Emperor that I'm the only person that actually does these documents
>I'm thinking of what to get with my allowance, maybe a nice dinner or something, when I notice some odd discrepancies in the documents
>I mean, besides the ones I make as I try to deprive Olga of the ability to buy donuts
>There's a name that's...
>5 characters long given the fonts
>Standard battle sister
>But she's not in every document
>Only some of them
>I think I can remember her...
>Sister Sarah right?
>Always a bit... forgettable that girl
>This is weird
>Her record is all messed up
>Maybe I can...
>Wait, what was that?
>What's on my neck?
>Oh, it's blood
>Damn, it's getting all over my robes and documents
>I get it now.
>Be Sister Yada of the Order of the Ermine Mantle
>Be dead
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>be me, Julius, Sororitas-Slayer
>be fuelling up the car while Drathor pays
>man, fuel is expensive
>I could probably make it a bit more efficient
>it might not even need fuel at all
>point at it
>jump about a foot in the air
>slowly turn to face the source of that noise
>see the most misshapen visage I've evr had to look upon
>or at least the most misshapen with the normal amount of parts
>pic related
>he's about 3 inches from my face and has this crooked grin
>breath smells awful
>he waves a disproportionatly lanky arm at me
>notice that my cloak fell away while I was pointing with my bird hand, leaving it totally visible
>he doesn't seem violent though, just interested in my bird arm
>probably shouldn't go around telling people that I can just grow extra bits
>"I, uh... was born with it?"
>he leans in even closer and hholds up his hand as if to whisper
>"th-that's all right, I'm just waiting for my friend right no-"
>it IS tempting
>it's rare for me to meet people who don't want to purge me before I get a chance to hit 'em with the good vibes
>and he did say it would be quick
>at least, I think he did
>hard to tell what he's saying
>feth it, I've got a bit of time
>"sounds like fun, as long as I dont keep my friend waiting"
>"Julius, nice to meet you"
what actual warp fuckery is this?
>be Shas'vre
>preparing for the enclave delegate
"Why is some stiff shit your biggest concern?"
>because he is my higher up and we must make sure we are ready for him
>also need to check up on the plans for the citadel
"So you can say hi to the chick?"
>no purely business
"You should smash"
>fuck off
>anyway might go see what's going on in our construction site
>Be Cap'n Jakk Spear-Row
>Most Ork be finkin' I be a Weird-boy Freeboota Cap'n
>Iz aktually just weird, wiff a smol w
>Be ferryin' dis Warboss Shin-Slappa
>An' I tink he's roit krazy
>Ain't no bizniz dat much kolor be on a propa Ork's face
>An' dey choppas make dis roit weird noise
>Da Warboss just done picked his red nose
>Afta' dis job, never gonna give rides to dis Killa Klown Koalition gang, eva'
>As dey be honkin' about in me ship's hold, see sumfink on da sea
>Hit it anyways
>Shin-Slappa ask me wut de zog
>"Ya eva' hear da story about a blue git town unda da sea?"
>"Best believe it, ya on top of wun!"
>Get reddy ta raid, it be what we here for!
>The orks go SS13 on the tau
File: Real Talk (Show).png (916 KB, 767x578)
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>A catchy Intro, played by Organs and Gregorian Choir
>Good Evening, Ladys and Gentlemen, I am your Host, the Planetary Governess!
>While my beloved Husband is still missing (Sad Music Plays), we once again call for your attention
>I thank you for your attention
>But even with his most famous hero missing, Angels Landing is still as lively as before.
>The Planetarywide Beach Project has produced first results and they are a bunch of beaches that will be opened in the next days!
>The Economy skyrocketed due to this and the common worker will see his average income statistacally seen risen up by 65%!
>Also, there is a new player in the sharehold market!
>I have invited experts from various organsations of the imperium to give their thoughts on the current sitution.
>And with that, without further talk, let us begin.
>be Colonel
>so this whole talk show has just begun and I'm kinda worried, because what if I say something dumb?
>well if I do I'll get a 1000 yard stare from the bitch, some laughs and idk a face palm from the Commissar(s)
>I hope I don't fuck up but that all depends on what I'm asked
>all I know is that there are a fair amount of other "guest stars" here
>one of the sisters, oh it's that one who was with the commissar(s) when I first arrived
>she doesn't like me
>I think three marines, one of those guys saved me from the moon, nice to see he's still fine
>with some fancy armour to boot
>an Echlessiarchial rep, nice hat
>oh shit
>I'm the only one for the Guard
>well thats great
>makes it even worse if I fuck up
>oh I wonder if the ad mech is sending anyone?
>we'll have to wait and see
>on the topic of waiting, it's time to wait for my turn in the hotseat
>Be Decarus
>Geez, it looks like I must’ve overslept A little
>although, it’s not really over sleeping is i guess, since i dont have anything to do
>I guess that’s part of this whole “retirement” business.
>Even though Marcus explained it all i still dont really get it
>Apparently it’s when you used to work but stop working and do nothing all day besides watch TV and play Bingo while your body atrophies
>Like a being bum but from the comfort of your own home.
>it’s only a temporary retirement until Admech forgets about us.
>Still though, it’s really boring
>Maybe i’ll go see Brigitte.
>It’s been a bit since last time
>And i didnt really get the chance to ask her out since it was about business and all.
>Get myself cleaned up and dressed,
>Walk into the kitchen to get myself some breakfast bars
>It’s easier than cooking
>Marcus and Lloyd are fighting over the holovid remote in the living room,
>Fessus is just watching and while scooping recaf into his mouth
>Ask him Where Phil is, apparently he went out to Brunch with Maria
>maybe I could go ask Brigitte if she wants to go out for lunch
>Ask Fessus about it and if he knows any good places
>Marcus and Lloyd stop fighting
>The room gets quiet
“... Ah, um you know, Decarus maybe you shouldn’t ask her today, i mean what with this weather and all.”
>”But it’s a beautiful day today.”
“Yeah but you lnow what they say about the weather in Angel’s landing, here one day gone the next. Besides, today probably isn't a very good for her, she’s probably busy with that...uh...you know the uhh-“
“The new talk show that the Governess was holding!”
“Yes! Exactly, thank you Lloyd. The Governess is going to hold a talk show for important people, and who’s more important than a living Saint? That’s probably where she is.”
>I swear, everybody’s been acting really wierd for a while now
>always getting so nervous whenever i bring up Brigitte
>I wonder why
>Be Tau Water Caste
>I've been shot at
>Experimented on
>Blown up
>Crushed by a giant arm
>Run over by several cars
>Set on fire
>Been savagely beat by the law enforcer
>Been a prison bitch
>And have narrowly escaped my own execution because my own executioner was assassinated by a cyborg
>And now I'm hungry and dehydrated
>And I probably have a concussion
>Which would explain both the ringing in my ears
>And why I'm hearing Aun'Dik's voice in my mind, commanding me to "fuck all the bitches"
>Fuck you dude
>I'm only taking orders from you if I'm forced
>And even if I was, I'm in no state to fuck anything
>I trip on a rock and further scuff my knees
>Getting up does not seem that appealing
>Is this where it ends then?
>Brought down not by me stumbling into danger
>But just by exhaustion and dehydration
>Well then
>I'm not getting up
>And I doubt anybody is going to give me food or water
>So yeah, this is the end
>Goodbye cruel world...
>Well, not yet
>Oh dear, dying will take a while
>I wonder if there's anything I can do to pass the time
>Maybe talk to that Enclaves fellow who just jet packed in?
"I'm saved! Help me noble warrior, I wish to defect to the Enclaves! My name is Por'La Fa'La Ni'Anuk!"
>Be Me, Drathor
>My stomach is making the rumbles
>That only tyranids can satisfy
>Went inside this weird gas station looking for some Bug jerky
>Its like I discovered the where dust comes from
>Wander about from shelf to shelf
>Finally find a jar filled with the good stuff
>Scoop up enough to fill me up
>Grab another little bit
>Julius is fething weird but at least he seems nice enough
>Head up to pay for this haul
>This must be one of those house of horrors
>Did these guys scoop up some mutants to put on display?
>Oh wait one moved
>Oh wow this thing is the owner
>Drop my jerky down and ask him how much I owe
>Ask if he accepts credits
>Ask if he even understands what I'm saying
>He just kinda gives me a look
>The exact same kind of look that I saw some of Gut's friends
>Slap down a wad of Bishop Bucks and take off
>Get outside
>Where's Julius...
>Who is playing the fething banjo?
>Be Sister Maria.
>Having brunch with Phil.
>It's been an intense month or so for us both, all told.
>On my side, purging Mechanicus turncoats and the remaining genestealers from Angels Landing.
>We managed to secure aid from the local Astartes on that front.
>When they're not nursing hangovers from drowning their sorrows over lost material wealth, they certainly live up to their reputation as the Emperor's Angels of Death.
>Apart from the occasional straggler the city is clear of their taint, although I can't speak for the rest of the planet.
>On a related note, we held a funeral for Cecilia.
>A simple cremation; there is little point in drawing such things out when the deceased is with the Emperor in the void.
>Doubly so when they left behind an unfortunately mutated corpse.
>We'd never hear the end of it from the Ermines if we let that slide.
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>On his side, he tells me in roundabout terms of his work fighting gangs and at one point aiding the Ermines in something clandestine.
>He's reluctant to give up any details, not least because he and the other stormtroopers are currently laying low in the hope certain enemies they made will believe them to be dead.
>Suffice to say though, I have a suspicion that a few supposedly executed 'hereteks' I've seen walking around the city may owe their continued existence to them.
>Good thing too; by all accounts the survivors still had much to offer in service to our Lord.
>Such deaths would not have served His goals within the sideshow of life.
>Phil says that he and the others are living in one of the newly renovated beachfront apartments, run by a collective of citizens known as Brick Corp.
>Truly, it's heartening to see people striving to make this illusory existence less painful for their fellow man.
>Perhaps I'll suggest to the Palatine that we pay Brick Corp a visit to express our gratitude for their efforts in rebuilding the city.
>Things have been rough, and on this world one would have to be a fool to expect anything else in the future.
>But right now I have good company, good weather and a slice of cake.
>Pict related.
>Be Jeremy, former ganger
>Now I work for the insane bird people of Brick Corp
>And they call me Cinderblock
>Because apparently I’ve earned the right to be named after construction materials
>I’ve also been promoted from intern to “Community Interface Officer”
>Which basically means it’s my job to sit, look pretty, and talk to normal people, pretending to actually be in charge of this
>A lot of these birds used to be my friends you know
>Most of them I think still remember their old lives, but most of them also seem to prefer being birds
>Some of them seem to remember me specifically, and treat me nicer than the others
>Which is comforting, I guess
>Do you know what’s really weird?
>Despite them being literally screeching idiots
>The tzaangors are actually legitimately good a construction
>Even the ones that were utter shit at it when they were humans
>Looking at you Vel
>Well, Pipe now
>So I’m just sitting in the mobile office while the birds make an office building
>Apparently the top floors are being reserved for the Brick Corp offices
>I wonder if I’ll get my own office?
>While I’m thinking of possible promotions, some Sororitas enter the office
>They’re looking to congratulate Brick Corp for our efforts
>Well, it’s basically my job to receive that praise
>They do have questions about our use of abhumans
>Luckily, I have a script
>I very poorly spelled script, written in crayon by one of the birds
>I tell them that the bird men are fully under the control of Brick Corp, work for the absolute minimum pay, and are constantly working to make up for the fact that they are despicable deviations from the holy human form
>Truly, I say, Brick Corp is a model use for the proper use of such unsightly abhumans, working them as hard as possible to make up for their lower nature in the eyes of the God Emperor
>be me
>Siv Trygvesdottir

>I try to talk to the Salamander Marrine
>he is always being very handsome
>his skin is the color of mountain rocks and it makes me to think of the picts of my Homeworld my father showed me before time for bed when I was a little girl
>it makes me feel warm inside my stomach
>I think that we have many things in common also
>we are both very good at working to fix things
>and also the Squats and the Salamander Marrines we are not so crazy as some of the other people as well
>I think that maybe I will ask him to having dinner with me or perhaps to work on the Dreadnoughts together

>he is turning to me to tell something
>he asks me to contact the Imperrial Fists Marrines for him
>I am, how you might say, underwhelmed or let down
>I do not think he is seeing me as a partner but perhaps as an assistant or helper
>perhaps because I am only half as tall
>maybe I could make a gift for him
>tell my assistant to be doing the thing that he asked me to be doing
>Be Savlar Chem Dog
>Spend first 1/4 of my life salvaging radiated waste on Savlar because of ancestors crime of stealing boots and not being a chem dog
>Take prison ship to the "Cold Shoulder" system
>oh well
>Land and look around.
>So many dead Guardsmen
>So many free boots
>The lads and I load all the boots into our Chimera held together by spit and crossed fingers
>Enough boots to last the whole regiment for a week
>Take shoot of gaseous courage through air filter
>Grab new pair of boots
>Pump shotgun
>Grab new pair of boots
>Don't notice Blood Raven stealing our pile of boots
>Be Marcus
>Man was it good that Lloyd managed to remember that the live talkshow was today.
>That’ll keep Decarus distracted for a while
>Oh fuck they’re starting with a missing persons segment,
>turn off the H.V. as fast as i can
>”Ahh you know what? It’s such a lovely day, it’d be a shame to spend it indoors wathing HV. Why don’t we all go outside and get some exercise, hmm?”
“Listen Dex, i think we better get outta here. If my Marcus-speak is correct, this room’s about to turn into a toxic area thanks to that bioweapon he calls a digestive system.”
>”What, no it isn’t ya daft-“
>I’m cut off by a swift kick in the shins
“Look see, he’s trying to cover for himself right now, come on lets go before we have to break out the gasmasks.”
>Lloyd you bastard
“Come on, you said you wanted to find a good restaurant right? There’s this place over on-uh- 340th and uh Pius street that i’ve heard is pretty good. Let’s go and see for ourselves, my treat.”
“But Lloyd that’s halfway across the city”
“The walk’ll build up our appetites, c’mon. Hey you ever ”
>Lloyd pulls Decarus building with him, Leaving just me and Fessus here
“Phew, that was a quick save by Lloyd. Thank the Emperor for his motermouth.”
>”Yeah, real great.”
“Oh quit whining, a little embarrassment is better than what would have happened had Decarus found out about Brigitte. Besides you arent exactly a basket of roses.”
>”Fessus, we can’t keep it from forever. He’s gonna find out eventually.”
*sigh* “Look, if Decarus found out his little crush had gotten kidnapped by xenos, do you know what he would do? The best case scenario is that he’d worry, mope, panic, and generally be a pain in the ass for a while.”
“The worse case is that he’d try and go rush off on a ship to go rescue her, because that’s how Decarus works. He just does These things with out even questioning whether or not they’re even possible. This is as much for his own good as it is ours.”
>”And do you think we’re doing him any favors by prolonging the inevitable?”
“Oh come on. She’s a living Saint! And they sent a whole rescue team after her! Mark my words they’ll have her back in no time!”
>”And if they don’t?”
“What do you mean if they don’t? Of course they wi-“
>“Bloody Hell Fessus, they sent a small ship to chase down the Dark Eldar through the Webway! You're gonna need to think about it because, Odds are, none of them are coming back.”
“Fine then. If she doesn’t come back then...then i’ll just tell Decarus myself and tie him down to his bed if he gets any heroic ideas, you happy?”
>”Yeah that works.”
“Good. Now turn on the HV, i want to get my mind off this.”
>be me, Dracon Drazar
>be kinda incredibly mad
>the boarders have dug in deep in some hallway
>and all the idiots that I sent to kill them think that rushing them is a good idea
>surrounded by idiots
>the boarders have a farseer
>race traitor
>and a another psyker
>well shit this needs to get solved fast
>the idiots are about to start another push
>with no strategy other than "rush 'em!"
>headache's coming back
>tell the faggots to hold back
>and at the mention one of the shadow fags appear
>he gives me this dumb fuck look
"At the signal you and your friends get behind them and kill."
>try and make it as simple as possible
>dude vanishes
>and the second part of my plan
>fire Phantasm Launcher around the corner
>this should fuck them up
>I can already hear the mon'keigh screaming
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>Be Inquisitor Elmas Frud of the Ordo Xenos
>We just got hit with a phantasm gwenade
>Wast time I was hit by one of those it was
>Be Farseer Kaviala Kade
>While traversing the twisting halls of this Commorrite ship, we have come under assault by mandrakes and a hail of Phantasm grenades
>The gas is clouding my mind, making me loose concentration
>Among the weaker willed, they have lost control, devolving into sniveling messes, ripe for the mandrakes to kill
>The inquisitor however has gone completely and utterly berserk
>It would be terrifying if his lisp wasn't acting up
>Instead the sight of an utterly insane man on a very bad drug trip with a very bad lisp brutally slaughtering several twisted mandrakes is hilarious
>His fury is greater than that of a Avatar of Khaine
>No wonder the Mon’Keigh are always falling to Khorne
>The raging, lisping inquisitor manages to slay over half the Mandrakes before something else catches his maddened perception and he charges down a hallway alone
>Shouting “Kill the Awchon kill the Awchon kill the Awchon” to the tune of Ride of the Valkyries
>Yes, I know what that is
>Eldar civilization is so advanced we pirated all of early Terra’s music
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>be Palatine Sara
>leaning against the wall behind a few Marines
>putting cartridges into my pistols one at a time
>brought as much ammunition as I thought I'd need for a boarding action, which is quite a lot, but it's starting to run low
>wishing I'd brought a neural whip from the Order armory instead of just the shotgun, only have Icebreaker to fall back on
>one of the Astartes calls out a warning
>see a metal disc bounce around the corner spraying a cloud of multicolored gas
>oh, hell
>pull a filter-cloth bandana over my mouth as it fills the corridor, but not quickly enough to avoid breathing some of it in
>things go kaleidoscope
>at least it's the "nightmare hallucination" kind of chemical weapon and not the "vomit your lungs out" kind
>stay calm, Sisters are trained for this, trust in the Emperor
>there's not much I'm all that afraid of for a bad trip to leverage
>don't like flying, don't like to be caged
>and my brain tries its hardest to throw those at me
>feel like I'm falling
>feel like I'm wrapped up with ropes
>but I can feel the ground under my boots and the gun in my hand
>all kinds of daemons and apparitions start rushing the corridor
>assume they're probably Eldar in real life
>send buckshot into the face of an evil spirit
>it's hard to tell which way is up or down but getting re-acquainted with the warm embrace of holy gunpowder keeps me in focus
>playing a shell game in my head to keep track of which monsters were the Marines that were near me
>whatever it looks like, if it's not on my side of the hall then it ought to die
>swirling black ghosts start coming out of the walls
>assume it's just another vision until they start cutting down Marines with swords
>drop shells into the shotgun and turn to blow one of the phantoms in half with both barrels
>our formation is breaking, we can't keep this up
>tell the fiery mass of orange gorgon hair that I'm pretty sure is the Farseer that it's about time for us to leave
>Be Lloyd
“Lloyd i thought you said we were going to go try that restaurant over on Pius steet”
>”We are, we are.”
“Well then why are we here a children’s sports game?”
>honestly don't even know if there is a restaurant there, i just made it up to keep Decarus distracted and because it was close to my real destination
>The Cupid elementary Schola BFBHB game.
>It was a while away but it was worth it to find people who still kept the spirit of Stercus’s REAL planetary past time alive
>All the others instead playing Bloodbowl
>Freakin Bloodbowl jackoffs
>actin like they’re hot shit with their “popularity”
>that just means most people got shit taste is all
>”Look i just want to see what the future of the sport is gonna look like is all.”
“Well then why don’t we just buy a ticket and go in to watch it?”
>”Because we’re not their parents. It would look wierd if grown men payed to watch a little league if they aren’t any of the kids’ dads.”
“But this is a schola, none of them have parents.”
>”Oh quit whining, everyone knows that watching from over the fence is the only wayto get the REAL experience. See, lmthose kids over there are doin’ it and you don’t see them complaining.”
>Man, watching this brings me back to the old days, back when this game used to have teams and big leagues and players people idolized
>sure it wasn’t as big as “Blunderbowl”, but back when there was a Brook-hive, BFBHB used to be king
>I remember watchin them back when i was just a little kid, and practicing all night throwing rocks at street lights and kicking trash can lids into windows like they were goal nets as practice so that i could be just like them
>you know, that might just be why everyone thought I was some sort of delinquent back then.
>i remember actually becoming one of the big boys, having (small) crowds cheer my name.
>but those days are long gone
>Hey wait, where’d Decarus go?
>ah whatever its his loss.
>be Shas'vre
"and this cunt is still here too"
>patrol was done and I'm on my way back to base
"to smash"
>for business and business only
"yea yea, whatever lover boy"
"where are more of those Orks? they'd be fun to fucking murder, just mutilate them, but don't kill the spores, we need those to have more enemies"
>I don't know where the Orks have gone but if we find them we'll deal with them in a way that is fit to them
"nice, tear faces off and then stomp on their head, only leaving a bloody pulp behind"
>an odd way of dealing with an enemy, slightly barbaric but in some ways useful and necessary
"hey, look another little Tau shit,"
>thats racist, but you are right
>walk nearer to him and he realises my presence, I begin to move nearer and I assume he will begin to run
"if he does, shoot him, cause he's a coward"
>honour, and that mean do not shoot unarmed enemies the back, you can learn something from me as well as I from you
>he screams about wanting to desert
>pick him up and tell him to follow me to our temporary base of operations
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>be me, Julius, the Sororitas-Slayer
>be enjoying the company of my new friend fensta' and his family
>he has a very large family
>most of the town in fact
>they're really nice though
>not freaked out by my mutations at all
>in fact, they seem to only get more impressed the more of them I show off
>fensta' has introduced me to most of them
>uncle-pa seems to be the guy in charge
>he seems to have taken a shine to me
>so does his sista-dawt'r
>who is also his cousin
>she seems nice
>she seems weirdly focused on trouser snake though
>oh well, trouser snake seems to be enjoying the attention as much as me
>still hurts my ears when he does that
>what did he say?
>usually takes me a bit to decipher their words
>makes it hard to follow long conversations
>most of the time I just smile and nod
>think it was something about dinner
>wuh oh
>how long have I been here?
>"oh man, I have to get going, my friend Drathor was waiting for me"
>might need to heal my ears after this
>think he said someting about already inviting Drathor to dinner
>I guess staying's no problem then
>Drathor will probably be happy to stay for dinner as well
>I'm starting to suspect that he's not really a fan of my cooking, but is just to nice too say anything
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>Be Sister Sarah
>Of the Order of The Ermine Mantle
>Dear Emperor is that always a mouthful to say
>It's back to the usual of being ignored around here
>We solved the whole genestealer thing
>One of the goths went full weird creepy xenos or something
>I don't know the details, the goth chicks wouldn't let me come with when they found her location
>She's dead
>So now I'm off the case
>A retired ace detective
>Back to not even receiving orders
>Well, might as well go pester Sister Yada to give me my allowance
>Maybe I can convince her to give me Olga's
>Emperor knows that she doesn't need anymore donuts
>Especially when she's missing
>I throw open the door to Yada's office
"Hey Yada, did you remember to file my... my..."
>I silently close the for and put my back to it
>I take several deep breaths
>I pull out my vox
"Attention Sisters of the Order of The Ermine Mantle. This is Sister Sarah, and I have just discovered the dead body of Sister Yada. Be advised that one of our own has been murdered within our own sanctuary. I am requesting backup for examining the scene of the crime."
>There you go Sarah
>Nice and calm as you are filled with fear and paranoia
>I'm not worried at all
>Dear Emperor there was so much blood
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>Be Tar Gwill, la....loyal Purple Star, thats it
>last few minutes/centuries have been blurry
>frantic firefighting inside a xeno ship
>marines dying on all sides,
>load magazine after magazine into my loyalshit pattern bolter
>stepping over countless xeno corpses
>scream Nostraman obscenities as I empty my last bolts into some three armed fuck, then bash his helm in with the empty gun.
>then bash what remains of his helm in with the empty gun
>a few more times
>Oh, feth, don't leave me behind, you didn't see anything
>Gas fills the air
>Inquisitorial dog flips out a little more than usual
>sense some spooks inbound
>pull my concealed skinning knife from under my pauldron
>something tries to manifest behind me,
>kick its frail body into the wall
>It dissapears
>purple whelp on point gaurd is also gone
>daemon pops up again right above me
>helm lights on
>jam the knife deep in its eye
>feel something slide into my armpit joint
>clamp my arm down on the blade and spin around
>trip over loyalist corpse
>we fall, I have this one's weapon, but he comes up on top of me
>starts summoning freaky wych fire
>is torn apart by slug into his neck
>get up and run on
>no time for thanks
>If I had any
>where am I?
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>Be me, Brother Gabriel
>Of the Lamenters
>penitent crusade is going about as well as expected, we're down to about 250 Lamenters now
>jump into the warp, Gellar fields active, standard procedure.
>everything is going alright.
>crew start hearing voices
>Gellar Field flickers
>Daemons of all sorts start to board the ship
>the fighting was tight, we lost a few brothers to those damned things
>manage to repel the first wave
>3 months in and we haven't reached out destination
>some of the crew at getting real spooked now, they think we may have miscalculated the jump
>try to calm them down
>riot breaks out
>in the middle of the damn warp
>put the attempted mutiny down with minimal casualties
>finally, after at least 10 months we arrive
>This is not the right place
>immediately get showered in distress calls from other ships
>enemy forces range from Greenskins to Dark Eldar
>we decide to cleanse the sector, as a part of the crusade
>immediately beset upon by Dark Elder
>this isn't just bad luck
>be Canoness
>inside the Temple (or rather, Castle) of the Auburn Vestal
>listening to the priest presiding over the assembly drone on and on
>faking interest is a lot easier when you've got bionic eyes
>at least one upside to giving my good eye to this worthless planet
>Ecclesiarchy representatives and Sororitas from all over
>none of those Martyred Lady sluts, thankfully
>or any of the major Orders
>evidently we aren't worth their time, which is fine by me
>but several members of the clergy with their Crusader conclaves
>and a whole gallery of Missions from minor Orders Militant no one gives a fuck about, looking for a piece of the pie
>look at their Palatine leaders all sitting around the table, all passing silent judgment like bitches do
>all think they're so special with their sectarian interpretations of the Imperial Creed and their stupid fucking gimmicks
>the tree-hugging martial artists of the Order of the Piercing Thorn under Palatine Ocean
>the neon-wearing hot-for-lasers attention whores of the Glowing Chalice under Cosma
>the "shieldmaidens", glorified Space Wolves groupies, of the Crimson Oath under Arnhildr
>the insufferable love cult followers of the Fiery Tear under Alejandra
>and more of them showing up by the day
>but the worst are those whores in the Order of the Silver Shroud
>with their holier-than-thou attitude to the other Sisters and their "modest" hair covers over a mountain of hypocritical makeup
>they showed up in Commandery strength just to show the others up
>their Canoness Safiyah is the most sanctimonious cunt I've ever met
>Emperor willing I'd choke her with her own headscarf
>but that would be a waste of the God-Emperor's resources
>this much of a Sororitas presence could be enough to push the Mechanicus back out
>but no, they're just going to sit around debating and getting in my way while my own useless sluts are probably shitting up my Cathedral
>Be Captain Thorn
>I was doing my gene father proud and lead fortification efforts across the city for penitence for partially destroying it in a drunken riot with my fellow brothers and cousins
>Well at least I was until one of those squat abhumans interrupted my holy work
>Was about to reprimand the mortal for interrupting me when they informed me of a complaint from the Salamander Sargent who fixed my armor
>Turns out he is critical of the Veteran Sargent of my company employing civilians from this area to help with fortifications of a nearby village
>Have to admit I wasn't thrilled with the unnecessary usage of kidnapping and forced usage of civilians but it has been used for the general good of the planet
>Though since the Salamanders are needed, and over all great cousins, this request for something to be done cannot be ignored
>Decide I will see this Veteran Imperial Fist in person and sort it out
>Can't be to complicated to sort out, even with the numerous obstacles on the way to the Sargent's location
>Be me, Dalmier
>I swear I'm the last sane man in my chapter
>Brought back our newest recruits to Seventh Haven
>Found the serfs already there having a little bit of a beach party
>Let the 'tithe' of men and women be herded out of the mass conveyers
>Each is issued a shovel, some rations, and new clothes
>Those ones on the beach goofing off
>Oh man, shouldn't have done that
>Break up the party
>Music is officially banned on Seventh Haven
>Except on Casual Fridays
>And Gregorian Chanting, that's always in style
>Seem to be attracting a few more Fists to my efforts now
>It seems they've taken their collective heads out of their asses long enough to understand they goofed
>If only they'd done that before losing all of our shit
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>be me, Romeo
>hottest Sergeant of the Salamanders
>things are going well
>not only are those tech marines from the imperial fists helping with the repairs and maintenence
>but Thorn seems to be making it his mission to rebuild and fortify a large section of the upper city
>I've even heard of a "Brick Corp" that's been employing abhumans for construction in the lower city
>little bit worried about them being beastmen that people think are human from those Xenos PSA's
>but theres no way anyone would be stupid enough to believe that
>I'll make a point to check later, after the upper city is in acceptable condition
>the guildmaster's daughter wants my help in repairing some dreadnoughts
>she shows an impressive eagerness to learn
>always asking me to repair new things
>and one time something about dinner
>not a chef by trade but I know a few tricks
>regrettably I am busy preparing for the governesses broadcast
>give her an encouraging pat on the head and a "maybe later"
>I only have one chance
>I can't mess this up
>I am perhaps the most suited out of all the Astartes on this planet for this
>Be me, Drathor
>You know in hindsight, I seem to just attract people who want to eat me
>First there was The Sanctified, well known cannibals, even if they were really cool guys
>Then the Bugs, but hey I turned that shit around on them
>Now I'm dealing with these inbred hicks
>So yeah, I should probably mention I'm being chased
>Turns out banjo music in one of these run down shanty towns is a bad thing
>I've been trying to get away from them
>Ducking behind buildings, running through alleys, diving into cellars
>They always seem to be just there to cut me off
>I think they are using the banjos to co-ordinate
>I have no idea where Julius went
>Maybe they already got him
>Big fether comes up looking to give me a big ol'bear hug
>With that one stumpy arm, I'm not in a hurry to see how he plans to do that
>Bring up my bolt pistol
>Miss every shot
>Why didn't I grab my axe
>Oh yeah, because getting fething jerky from a gas station doesn't require a fething weapon of rip and tear!
>Fire off a few more shots
>Man, my aim sucks
>Feth it
>Call out "GOTCHA" to him
>He falls to the ground, screaming out to his 'MAMA-DAUGHTA'
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>And I have just landed on some poor sap, splattering him across the general area
>Well then, that's just impolite
>Think about how hard it's going to be to clean you out of things
>Like my armored boots
>Or that cursing man's clothes
See this is why nobody likes Draigo.
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>Be me, Dav Tennerman
>Acolyte within The Ordo Chronos
>Sitting around at my station
>Sure is boring
>Keeping an eye out for Time Anomalies
>Apparently this sector is known for them?
>But then, if we do our job right, how could we possibly know?
>I don't need this headache
>Get a small alert
>Draigo got out again
>He's not supposed to show up until outcome 97b
>Maximum heroism
>Much Grey Knights are The Best
>Can't have him show up yet
>Start twisting some cranks
>Turning some dials
>Just gonna cut off this timeline real quick
>Send him back to The Warp
>Should only take a second

>Be me, Dav Tennerman
>Acolyte within The Ordo Chronos
>Sitting around at my station
>Sure is boring
Does Drathor get a relic that the time anomaly dropped?
Aside from a bad case of Deja Vu? What would there be?
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I am genuinely confused
>be me, Julius, the Sororitas-Slayer
>be hanging out with the family
>thats what they call themselves
>makes sense
>when one of comes in and starts shouting something even louder and more incomprehensable than the usual fare
>suddenly the whole family gets up and starts moving out
>including fensta' and sista-dawt'r, who are currently holding onto me
>I'm not the tallest guy, so I'm just kinda dangling between them
>little bit concerned so I ask what's happening
>ran off?
>wait there's a weddin'?
>I mean "wedding?"
>that's nice, must have been one of the longer conversations I couldn't follow
>"who's the lucky couple?"
>fensta' looks right at me
>cracks one of his crooked grins
>look over at sista-dawt'r
>she's really cuddling up to me
>start stammering that there's been a bit of a miscommunication
>I'm too young to get married!
>is sista-dawt'r even her name?!
>but its drowned out by the LOUD cheering and banjos
>as the banjos play an incredibly energetic version of the wedding march, fensta and sista-dawt'r whisk me down the aisle
>plop me down in front of some robed guy with teeth more mismatched than my limbs
>Be me, Drathor
>I'm feeling weird
>Ok wait I feel like there's something off right now
>But then those banjos keep playing
>Running about
>Can hear an actual tune in the hellish music now
>It's getting more obvious that I'm being pushed towards it
>Round a corner
>Oh hey!
>Julius is alive
>And he's made some friends
>All lined up
>Playing a nice tune...
>Lined up infront of an alter....
>This is a wedding,.........
> >:O >:( >:Y >8C
>Bring up my bolt pistol
>Feth man I don't even care about aiming anymore
>Miss every shot
>The inbred fucks, licking their lips, start getting up
>Can see one of them, behind Julius, holding up his shotgun towards me
>Feth it all
>Holster my pistol
>It's empty
>I won't need it
>Start laughing
>Belt burning
>I'm still The Last Crasher
>And you know what
>It's wedding season!
Would it be NTR if Drathor eats sista-dawt'r?
>Implying he isn't going to be trying to eat both of the happy couple.
>I am certain one of the Walters would screw that up, even if they wanted Drathor to do it.
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>Be me, Inquisitow Ewmas Fwud
>I am perfectwy fine
>Didn't I come hewe to wescue somebody?
>Shit, right, I came here to rescue Brigitte
>And she's right here
>How fucking far did I run to get here?
>Wait, I'm surrounded by grotesque corpses
>A lot of them
>And I'm alone except for Brigitte, who is in a cage and is looking at me weirdly
>Emperor damn it, this is the Commowwah incident all over again.
>Well, no helping it now
>I slick back my hair, take a deep breath, a get onto the lock on the Saint's cage
"Just sit tight Saint Brigitte, I'm here to rescue you."
>Fuck this lock
>I am known to you as the Hakon Geas of the Alpha Legion
>and I am in command of navigator-less capital ship at the bottom of the ocean
>well, there's worse places to have to hide a battle barge
>have whole enclave dark mech working to jam incoming scans
>but we will need them on duty if we want break atmosphere
>barely enough operatives to man this thing anyway
>it would be nice if I could get an under hive's worth of slaves down here
>currently sending operators to the surfice by firing drop pods then pulling them back down with long chains
>lets se how my brothers in blue are doing anyway in acquiring a navigator
>hmm beta-545 seems to have a trail on the sorcerer
>skathus-163 reports no word on the rumored psyker heretek
>8-674, the night lord has gone missing again
>headhunter team sigma-220 is at least currently infiltrating an imperial vessel in orbit
>They should pull through, but recent events have dramatically lowered my confidence in things
>maybe I should just go join the world eaters and forget about all this
>something swims past the bridge ziggurat
"Adept, did I just observe a heavily mutated aquatic human?"
"Yes, my lord."
>if I have to deal with warp damned fish-humans I swear I'm firing off all the cyclonic torpedoes
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>Will be and have been me, Ordo Chronos Inquistor
>Observe an acolyte alter a thread in this universe's timeline for some arcane reasoning unknown even to us
>Still a fairly minor altercation, this has not been our first bout with this sort, nor will it be the last, nor will it be the first
>Honestly, so many organizations within the Imperium and without have gone through numerous editions of themselves, the fabric of the very universe appears to retroactively constructed
>Or is it all just as planned?

>I place a hand on the bored Acolyte's shoulder, and proceed to mindwipe.
>"Good work, Acolyte Tennerman, that individual could have proven problematic for a stable timestream. Now of course, you will forget this happened within 5 seconds and have a craving for confectioneries."
>"Huh? What was I- Ooh, donuts! Aaaahhhh~"
>He digs into the package that was always right in front of him, honest
>Such is life in a day of the Ordo Chronos
>Though we have only been here for an instant
>Anyways, I better get on checking the shaky timespace continuum surrounding one "Stercus Ludicrum," though it would have been helpful with two still around to pinpoint the source of the disruption
>I wonder if that Cosanostro has driven the Ecclesiarchy off the planet yet?
>The Schrodinger scales say that he is at a point where he both could succeed or fail.
>Well, time for me to go kill a cat.
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>be me, Julius, Sororitas-Slayer
>be getting worryingly close to the "I do's"
>I dont want to get lynched
>don't want to teleport either, since that still kills me kinda
>turn around to see Drathor laughing maniacally while swinging one of the family around by their leg
>shotgun flys out of emergency club guys hand and flies into robe guys fethed up teeth
>turn invisible and slip away from sista-dawt'r
>banjos are still going as wedding guests pile onto Drathor
>they did change the song though
>this must be a usual thing at weddings
>sneaking around the edge as Drathor swats the guests swarming him around
>definitely hear crunching when he hits them
>feel kind of bad for club guy
>still Drathor looks like he's getting overwhelmed by the dogpile
>get around to his side and change one of the nearby spiky plant things into this weird strechy pink tongue
>it shoots out and sticks to Drathors back
>yanks him back out of the dogpile
>oh hey it brought club guy as well
>no wait
>that's just his leg
>start tugging Drathor back towards the car
>his eyes are dilated
>and he's still laughing
>glad he's having a good time
>get back to the car
>are you fething kidding me?
>who steals wheels?!
>feth it
>they're right behind us
>time to improvise
>grab some nearby animal with my bird hand
>not even sure what it is
>strap it to the top of the car
>thing turned blue, grew these big floppy ears, and rapidly started inflating
>dive in to car with Drathor just as it starts to lift off the cinderblocks
>angry banjo noises fade as we shoot off into the air
>hear some gunfire scrape the bottom of the car, but we keep going
>look over to Drathor
>he's furiously gnawing on club guys leg
>to each their own
>reach into my stash for a string of sausages with tiny legs
>chow down with my bestie as we drift off towards our next destination
>Be run squig
>Long far from Orks
>Dry-dry place
>Hear fight-fight
>Fight-fight means food?
>Much food, such nom
>Picked up
>Orks? No!
>Now am blue
>Be big
>Flap ear fast-fast!
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>Be me, Xerxes, Exalted Sorcerer of the Thousand Sons
>Except I'm not feeling very exalted
>I'm feeling more drunk
>And sad
>Even the bird head has shut the fuck up and drowned his sorrows
>Bar has gotten rather empty in the last few hours
>Barkeep is still here
>Mostly because I threaten to turn him into a fucking tzaangor or chaos spawn if he doesn't keep the drinks coming
>The pile of bottles and cans has reached my knees already
>Maybe if I keep drinking, I can crush myself with the empty bottles!
>You're a genius Xerxes!
>Making dad proud!
>Suddenly there's this blue armored fuck right next to me
>Came out of fucking nowhere
>How the fuck do you sneak in power armor.jpg
>I take a long swig
>"So *blech*, what's an Alpha Legionnaire doing in a place like this?"
"Well, great and exalted sorcerer, I-"
>"Cut the bullshit before I turn you into a chaos spawn. What do you *belch* want?"
>The legionnaire awkwardly stands there
>He probably prepared a lot of different strategies
>Poor guy
"Would you be able to serve as navigator on a ship?"
>"Fuck yes I would. Get me off this fucking rock, I'm done."
"Squawk! Wait, lemme do something first!"
>My annoying bird head writes something down on a napkin and gives it to the barkeep
"Squawk! Deliver this to Brick Corp construction and you will be well rewarded!"
>"Shut up bird head! Take me to your ship legionary! I will help you fly it and also vomit into your toilet!"
we all are
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>Be Elmas Frud
>Wait a minute!
>This isn't the Saint
>This is a broom!
>Where the fuck am I!
>I'm getting vewy vewy anngwy!
>I'm in the bathwoom
>And I killed a bunch of dweldaw janitows
>I'm stiwl being effected by that gas...
>I just need to FOCUS
>And also to figure out where I am
>Be bar tender
>For some odd reason my bar keeps attracting some of the most important people on this shithole
>First was that group of those weird blood raven stormtroopers
>Then there was one of those dual commissar person(s) who shot somebody
>Then recently a fuckton of space marines came in and drank so much that not even their enhanced livers can take
>Well that was mostly due to this one Chadmarine giving me some recipe for Space Marine alcohol, all I know is that it came from some shithole called Fenris
>The after math of thousands of marines getting drunk was terrifying and funny to watch but it caused damages
>Then again I got so much money from them I am set for life, thoughts that not saying much since I live in this shithole
>Especially know since there is some degenerate chaos marine with some fucking bird attached to him getting drunk
>The guy already turned several of my chairs into unspeakable abominations, then he turned one into something I think the kids call waifu
>Know theirs two of them, though the other one seems to be less mutated
>For some reason they keep talking an Alpha Legion
>Guess the drinks finally got to the blue marine and the green guy is probably plotting to arrest him, after all there is no such thing as an Alpha Legion there were only like nine before they split up
I like the joke you made
>be me, beta-456-1, but just call me Robert
>I think that was my mortal name, but it's hard to tell with all the mind wipes
>manage to track some warpy looking energies to a dirty hive pub
>run full auspex scan
>Opr. Phred sends down a servo-probe as well
>...hey, a full blown Tzeentch socercer just laying there on a pile of bottles, holding the keep at finger gun point
>and is that a...bird on his shoulder?
>I thought many heads was our thing
>Zed and Ortolae take positions with psychotroke grenades
>well, ok, lets see what I can do
>escorting socerer to arvus lighter
>ask him if he could maybe not walk, a bit more stealthy
>calls me a bitch
>sororitas patrol rounds corner
>we raise our bolsters in unison, vengeance rounds chambered, although Ive never practiced this
>Sorcerer burps and the sisters disappear in a flash
>darn, I hope you didn't blow out cover
No, I mmmaybe sent them back in time like, uhhh 10 minuteszz
>He passes out
>I guess the bird is still awake
*Swquak* Go to Brick Corp?
>Most honored... warp thing, I will simply send a operative to deliver the message, see
>Grab a hobo
>Whisper something in his ear
>he snaps to attention
>i know the feel
>give him the napkin
>alright I think I pulled that off!
>ill have to write this one down so I can remember my first successful mission!
>be Canoness
>honestly pretty fucking tired of this
>have the garrison open the windows so a nice ocean breeze flows through the castle
>order a glass of rosé
>scratch that, a bottle
>see Canoness Safiyah notice it
>sure she'll make some kind of comment
>as Canoness Superior I outrank her, of course, she's not in a position to openly criticize me
>but she does make a habit of "noting" things, the backbiting bitch
>she notes the damage caused by the improperly handled ocean project
>she notes the Imperial resources tied up on this planet for comparatively little gain
>she notes that I'm using the largest cathedral in Angels' Landing as a military base instead of a place of worship
>ask to hear proposals from the Palatines just to shut her catty ass up
>Cosma of the Glowing Chalice wants to make a concerted door-to-door push to root out heresy in Angels' Landing's outer quarters
>good luck with that, honey, I've been doing the same thing on and off for months with a lot more Sisters
>some things are just too broken to stay fixed
>Arnhildr of the Crimson Oath wants to start constructing fortress outposts at strategic locations on the continent
>assume she means to use my Squats to do that, unless she intends to put all her Sisters to work sucking Mechanicus cock to get them to do it
>they'd probably be better suited to that than real Sororitas work
>Alejandra of the Fiery Tear wants to start an education program for Angels' Landing and the smaller settlements
>great, build some schools, get some local yokels to staff them, that will go a long way towards keeping Orks from blowing up the planet
>we're Sisters of Battle, not kindergarten teachers
>Ocean of the Piercing Thorn has started introducing several species of fishes to the oceans to provide a sustainable food source for the locals
>she wants help clearing out the feral aquatic Tyranid strains
>that's... actually a pretty good idea
>fuck it
>approve their proposals
>all of them
>Be Decarus
>Be running after those kids Lloyd pointed out back at the game
>I knew I recognized them from somewhere
>Those were two of the Miss Flannigan’s kids
>Poor Miss Flannigan, it’s a shame what happened to her
>and that we indirectly caused that
>but maybe i can make up for it now
>I try calling out to them but they run away from me as soon as they see me
>They lead me on a Chase, eventually ending in a dead end
>i recognize these kids
>It’s Jill and her brother Jack
>they had just barely hit 12 last time i saw them
>Now they’re both absolutely filthy and clothed in torn rags
>They dont seem to recognize me though
>Jill pulls out a knife and to shakily points it at me while standing herself in front of Jack
>poor kids are scared stiff
>the must not recognize me because i’m in Civies
>”Hey Hey calm down, it’s me Decarus, you remember me right? I was friend of your mum’s. I won’t hurt you, promise.”
>They still look really scared, but Jill start’s lowered the knife a bit.
>That means i’m making progress right?
>Ask them where the rest of the brothers and sisters are.
>they just stare at the ground not saying anything
>Well i’m not going to force them to talk about it.
>They’ve through enough already
>What i am going to do is get them some food
>they look like they havent eaten in days
>besides i’m starvin as well since Lloyd was more interested in watching a game instead of going out to lunch
>it’s a good thing i brought my wallet with me just in case
>they didn't trust me enough yet to come with me, but i did convince them tk lay low while i get them some food
>thankfully There was a McEmprah’s around so i got them both a Saintly meal
>they even come with little space marine toys
>After that they were a lot less on edge
>they’ve been living off scraps on the street since their mum got servitored
>as far as they know, they’re the only ones leftx
>i can’t just leave them here like this
>and i’m not going to
Which is better, McEmprah's or Burger Marine
Burger marine used to have the best fries but then they changed the recipe.
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>Be me, Palatine Picksel of the Order of the Iron Maidens
>The Canoness Superior just approved all the proposals submitted to her!
>Even ours!
>We Iron Maidens may be a small order
>And not one very good at combat
>And we might be considered "deviant" by some puritans
>But intensive and enthusiastic cybernetic augmentation is not against the faith!
>You know how The Emperor's Angels of Death, the Space Marines, have marines that have trained under the Adeptus Mechanicus to become Tech-Marines?
>Well the Iron Maidens do that too
>But with everybody!
>And now, since our proposal has been approved, we're off to convert many in thew overcrowded jails into flagellant servitors!
>Oh, and also to ask the Arch-Canoness if she would like us to install lasguns in her eyes!
>I absolutely LOVE her eyes
>But they could be better of course
>I liked my bionic arm when I first got it
>But I've liked it even more after I installed my rocket-powered fist!
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>be me, trouser snake
>be enjoying this trip
>much like father, I enjoy this thing called music
>it makes me wish to gyrate in a pleasing way
>I decide that this music must be beautiful
>contemplate nature of beauty
>is love beautiful?
>thoughts drift to the sista-dawt'r that thought to claim father's love
>she was affectionate towards father
>but she did not truly know father
>contemplate nature of love
>do I truly love father
>or am I merely reliant on him to survive?
>would I care for his life were I free?
>am I free?
>I certainly feel free now
>flying high above the ground
>the wind gently caressing my face
>contemplate why winged creatures would not share this gift with others
>decide that birds must be assholes

>Be Fio'Vre Mal'Caor
>Talked with Dorax about the underwater city
>Initially miffed that he wanted it changed, I had a good design going
>Not sure why I thought that though, because his idea was FUCKING RADICAL
>A giant submarine, moving through the oceans
>A mobile base we can rock up against the shores of any of the major gue'la settlements undetected
>And if they do find us we can leave just as quietly as we came
>Got a bunch of earth caste lackeys under my supervision to build this bad boy
>Seriously, I should have defected YEARS ago
>Back in the septs I'd have to justify this things existence to three different supervisors, wait 6 months for the project to be approved, then get it shitcanned because some dipshit ethereal wanted a mechanic for his pleasure barge and he wouldn't settle for one with less than three doctorates
>With the Enclaves? Takes what, a few weeks of discussion and refinement then wait a couple months for materials and labour to get shipped out?
>That's efficiency right there
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>Watching my pride and joy come together through the projection in my HUD spectacles while I tinker with a stealthsuit
>Added a few new systems to the plans as well
>Figure that since gue'la comm security is krootshit, might as well put a souped up E-WAR suite in too
>Once this thing's up and running we'll not only be able to monitor everything they're transmitting, but probably do a bit of information tampering while we're at it
>Dorax wasn't a fan of the idea, not exactly the most honourable way to fight your foes
>But I'm Earth Caste
>And that means I solve practical problems
>Like "how do we operate in a warzone where our foes outnumbers us at least 100:1?"
>Speak of the devil, he's just come back from his scout patrol
>Redder than ever
>And apparently getting more ripped
>Get that niggling worry again
>Gunna need to have a word with him about this
>Wait he had a passenger
>Holy fuck, is that two bird?
>Figured that poor bastard would be long dead by now, Aun'Dik only went and dropped him on the gue'la city with instructions to "fuck bitches"
>That ethereal always managed to surprise me with new and horrible ways to misuse his power
>Still, with Kor'Ui Nok and Two Bird, that makes three of us who managed to escape the flying rape cave
>Make my way over
>Time for a reunion
>Be Iron Hands marine
>Suddenly feel a disturbance in the warp
>Somebody is stealing our ideas
>Leave it alone and hope it doesn't spread
"Maybe I'll check it out later"
>Probably won't check it out ever
>be Shas'vre
>coming back to base with this water caste sept Tau and looking around seeing everything going well here
>I'm liking the work put into the moving fortress we have here
"oh hey look its the midget"
>fuck off you, well yes Mal'caor has arrived and seems to recognise the water caster
"make sure he doesn't steal her from you"
>what did I say?
"what I'm looking out for your interests"
>your an idiot
>she walks up to us and takes a concerned glance at me when I depart my suit
>I wonder what that means anyway I jump out and begin to speak with these two and see what they're about, an interesting pair
>the water caste is a bit weedy and could do with some training
>basic boot camp would do
>walk off to the side to get a drink, where soon Mal'caor joins me, looking still concerned
>"is there something you want to say?"
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>###Designation: Galatea-1394###
>###Role: Firewire class tech assassin###
>###Assignment: Mecha City 1, technical orthodoxy enforcement###
>###Status: Bored off my metal tits###
>###Hypothesis: You'd think a concentration of this many shady techpriests in one place would have at least one major heretek###
>###Conclusion: But no###
>###Clarification: All we get is basic bitch tier meatbag retardation###
>###Digression: Like that idiot who had his buddy lop his arms off because he figured bionics would get him promoted###
>###Addendum: Have fun being a servitor and watching your best friend bang your wife, jackass###
>###Segue: Anyway, due to... certain wiring issues###
>###Continuation: The lack of any significant action is giving me real problems###
>###Hypothesis: If this place stays quiet and law abiding for much longer things are going to get messy###
>###Status Updated: Floating out of the office on maglev implants in search of something I can justify getting into a fight with###

>Be Mal'Caor
>"Well boss, see, it's like this..."
>Fuck, how do you even breach this kind of topic?
>Look back at Two Bird for support
>Damnit Dorax, I'm an engineer, not a diplomat
>Take a deep breath
>"I know in the Enclaves you're all a bit less uptight about ranged doctrine, and that's cool, I like how you lot work."
>"But... well, every time you come back from a mission your crisis suit's covered up to the elbows in blood, you're building muscle mass like there's no tomorrow and, uh, you're bright red."
>Look around, feel myself wringing my hands
>"And, see, the one time I've seen this kinda thing happen is when Aun'Dik went absolutely batshit insane, so... is there something you wanna be telling us boss?"
>be Shas'vre
>well fuck
>I've been found out
>that fucking daemon
>"helping us learn melee" my arse
>trying to fucking corrupt me
>that piece of shit
>I should not of trusted a daemon
>turn to my suit
>still standing there
>odd let me see if he's in there
>I tell Mal I'll be right back
>jump in
>ok you piece of shit what have you done
"oh, so your angry at me now?"
>of course, corrupting me and making me look like a cursed monster
"hey, I upheld my bargain, and that was to teach, just forgot the side effects of my aid, but hey if you ditch these losers we can murder to our hearts content"
>I'm done
"excuse me? you can't just fucking bail, I'm here and here to stay and you can't get rid of me"
>uh yes I can, remember your attached to the suit
"what no, don't you fucking dare, I'll kill you for this, I'll fucking wring your skinny little neck"
>punch in the self destruct and hop out
>walk back over to Mal'caor and wait
>suit explodes and the swelling of musculature leaves and the redness dies down a fair amount to where I'm more purple
>hopefully thats the last of him
>Be Ar-Pharazon
>fucking Daemon of Khorne and once cool bro to a Tau bitch
>I'm gonna fucking slaughter him
>I'll do it, that little shit is going to die
>good thing I jumped out when I did, so now I'm not like warp stuck like Daemons are when we die
>now I just need the means of getting into realspace, again
>hmm lets look at the planet again
>ooh two fuck nuts who could help me in my plot
> kind of angrily scream at them in their heads
>try some how to get their attention
>they better fucking notice
>one of them seems promising because of what he has done, could get him favour with Khorne
>and this might just get him that favour
>scream it at him
>and tell his shitty psyker friend to find a way to do the ritual
>I'm coming for you you Tau fuck
>and your gonna die
>collaborative Warhammer 40,000 greentext

>He hates fun
>He can't tell writwfagging from rping

This is kinda like all guardsmen party, do you tell that anon to fuck off to qst?
have you not looked at those threads, he does, pretty certain this is the nazimod fucking anonposting and being once again the single biggest cancer of all the history of /tg/.
Man, Shas'vre a bitch who learned nothing of camaraderie.
How come the daemon didn't stop the self-destruct if they can control the suit? Why does the Shas'vre value these other losers opinions over his constant companion who saved him from the Ethereal? Can't he just tell them what's what and keep the daemon?

Also, Shas'vre seems like he would be too corrupted at this point to give up the daemon. Like, he would be the next suitable point of entry for the daemon even if he did explode the battlesuit. Finally, that battlesuit is WAY too valuable to self-destruct without a spare, the Enclave doesn't grow those on trees.

I'm going to ignore this story from now on unless you change something.
>Be me, Drathor
>Get, that leg was good
>So yeah I guess I eat people now
>And it turns out all that inbreeding made for some tasty people
>Toss away the chewed up bones of the leg off the side of the car
>Which is flying now
>When did that happen?
>You know I don't really remember much after I made it to the wedding
>Take that as a good sign
>But I can see that Julius got us out of there
>With a bug balloon
>Its making noises
>Clearly a mutated animal of some kind
>Full for now, still have my Tyranid jerky for later
>Can feel my belt growing hot for some reason
>Is there a fly buzzing in my ear?
>kick my seat back and relax
>Turn on the radio
>Hope we get some good reception up here
>Be me, Faryuk Klar, captain of...
>Well, that upshot Drazzar hasn't deigned to name it yet
>However, it's a big dark eldar ship, and we're holding a living saint
>And also picking up a shipment of wine from Commorragh
>I'm looking to be out of here as soon as fucking possible
>Because there's a Space Marine Librarian and a Craftworlder Farseer on board
>Yeah... I'm not really interested in being killed by Vect
>Seriously you fuck-head Drazzar, it's the one fucking rule of Commorragh
>No psykers.gatesofkhaine
>That leads me to my other problem
>Currently, we've closed the blast door leading out of the bridge
>Because outside are a bunch of crazy fucking birds
>Beating on the blast doors
>I'm going to have to call whatever haemonculus made them and give them a piece of my mind
>Because I've been in here for two hours, and there isn't a fucking toilet in here
>Wait, shit, fuck!
>The birds have a dark lance and they're using it to cut through the fucking blast door!
>Fuck, there's a lot of them out there
>And that idiotic fuck Drazzar and his weird girlfriend took basically everyone to go kill the intruders
>Fuck, it's just me and the brig crew on this, isn't it
>"Raise your guns boys! Let's make them feel PAIN!"
>be me, Dracon Drazar
>Be cutting through the Mon'keigh line
>The space marines put up a good fight but ultimately they're at a disadvantage
>They're all but out of ammo
>The blades they have are chipped and worn
>They're tired and probably poisoned by something
>I'm probably gonna have to put out a alert for the Mon'keigh that ran off
>If I recall he's the Archons favorite rival
>So he's hands off
>The Mon'keigh with the archaic weapons is shooting at shadows and hitting nothing
>But the farseer, damn race traitor, is holding it together enough to be decent in close proximity fighting
>Should be over quick
>Get call from bridge
>Blue bird things are nearly through the blast doors
>Disengage from the battle and head to the teleporter
>It's not a direct line to the bridge but it's close enough
>in a flash of darkness I'm gone
>Already I can hear the shit
>But fortunately I'm early
>Round the corner as the stupidity bird things blast the door with a fucking dark Lance
>Damn things swarm the bridge
>Guess I got to clean up the mess
>Be Sister Rebar, glorious warrior of God Emperor Brick!
>Well, kind of
>Am I really Rebar
>Or am I just lying to myself about that
>And I’m still just weak little Rebecca?
>Questions for later
>Currently I am hitting some spiky elf bridge crew with this empty shadowy laser thing
>The other investment consultants are beating other crew
>It seems as though they thought that they didn’t need to be heavily armored since they were on their home turf!
>Well, they basically all have daggers and their weird pistols, and a few of them swords
>But they are very puny, and birbs are strong!
>Buff Bird.flex
>Suddenly this other spiky elf comes in
>He is te spikyest of them all
>He just killed Sawdust!
>He was my brother you bastard!
>As I clench my hands in rage, my rusty pipe twists and shifts
>It turns into a blade
>Thank you, Lords Brick and Tzneetch, now I can get my vengeance!
“You will die this day, spiky man! I will avenge Sawdust! Ahhhhhhh!”
>Be the elegant tzaangor known as Plank
>Brick Corp’s expansion is going just as planned
>Community Manager Cinderblock, still unfortunately a human, is running out PR team
>Which is currently him and his mother
>Mrs. Cinderblock is a very nice lady
>She gave me a cracker
>She also brought up the fact that we, as tzaangors, may be recognized by some of the more learned imperials as servants of Tzneetch
>So, in order to combat this, we have instated new safety regulations for our workers
>New uniforms
>No decorating your plumage
>Always ensure that your are near one of the PR staff so as to appear servants to them
>The unenlightened imperials would refuse to allow us breath if we did not appear to be base servants of other humans
>So, we must ensure we do not raise suspicison
>Well, at least until the Center for Abhuman Rights starts taking the hint to begin representing us
>Be me, Archon Dathram
>Head down to the... Guest rooms to converse with them
>Already it smells like drugs and blood
>Round the corner and lo and behold, they killed someone
>What a nice surprise
>The fat one is trying to get the key card while the bishop is covered in the kabalites blood
"You know, Vish'laa always had a thing for... Well. Men like you. Honestly though I expected this , but I thought higher of her. Lost a bet I did."
>I'd have her turned into a wrack if I cared enough
>Drag the body away and call for a retreval team to come get her
>Lean on the was across from them
"So, dear guests. Why do you think I've brought you here? Morning importantly, why are you still alive?"
>The kid looks ready to shank be with his tooth shiv
>The fat one couldn't really care less
>Feel the tedium creep up
>Time to hurry
"Don't answer all at once. Fine, I intend to random you lot off later. Same with the Saint one of mine caught not too long ago."
>The fat one perked up at this
>But the bishop just kept slashing the air like a rabid monkey
>Heh, monkey, mon'keigh
>The human language is great
>Be Lloyd
>watching the game
>suddenly get pulled off the Fence by the Scruff of my neck
>Oh shit
>It’s their drill abbot and he’s waving this giant hammer in my face and shaking me like a madman
“OH, Whadoe have here ey! Some ganger scopin out his next target for the slave markets?! Or are you a lowdown heretical cultist looking for his next sacrifice?
>”I-i-i’m niether man! I-i just came here to watch the game, h-honest!”
“Oh, so you’re a skinflint freeloader, trying to cheat the Imperium and these poor little orphans out of the money they desperately need to keep this Base-Foot-Basket-Hockey-Ball team and one of Stercus’s Greatest Sports alive, because you couldn’t be bothered to part with a few measly thrones? You no good bum! I’m gonna teach you to try and cheat Emperor’s holy institutions!”
>Oh shit
>Man i really wish i had my Carapace armor right now
>Close my eyes and brace for a hit that bever comes
“...Hey, wait a second, i know you.”
>”You do?”
“Yeah! You’re Lloyd Landin! You used to be the Star Pitcher of the Brook hive Beatle-bats! Emperor damn, never in my life did I think i would get to meet the man responsible for throwing three straight home field goals in one game!”
>”Did you think you would get smash his head like a grapefruit? Because you almost just did right now.”
“Oh! oh sorry, here let me help you up. If i had known it was you would never have ah done all that. Listen, i gotta get back to the kids, but tell you what, after the game ends, we could head to the bar and you could have a few drinks on me. I’ve got some friends who would love to meet THE “Lloyd the Launcher”! That is uh, if you’re-uh- not still mad that is.”
>Well i didnt have any plans for tonight,
>Decarus probably went home on his own
>And it’s better than watching Marcus bite his fingernails watching that stupid Soap Opera “Of Love and Lacrymoles”
>”Buddy, as long you’re payin, it’s all water under the bridge.
>Be me, Dracon Drazar
>Killing bird dudes is kinda fun
>They just rush at you with little thought or reason
>Kinda like those idiots back at the battle
>But less armored
>One rushes me with a piece of wood
>Cut through him...her... It like nothing
>Another does the same with a pipe
>And another with the barrel of a dark Lance
>But I can't do this forever
>Finally the leader calls me out
>Engage in glorious melee
>Somehow the rusty sword dosen't get sliced in half by the power sword
>Fight goes on as bridge crew fights off the rest
>Suddenly the vid screen buzzes to life
>We're being hailed and it's just cutting through the authorizations
>Oh shit please don't be who I think this is
>Oh shit it is
"Dracon! Hello! How are you? "
>The face pans over the bridge
"Well, I apparently interrupted something. Forgive me would you? Actually, I know just what to do. I'll be sending some of my crew over to... Ah, join the fun as it were."
>Every word dripped with barely hidden threats
>The crew is terrified
>The fighting has stopped
>The bird things are retreating
>All because Asdrubael Vect decided to say hello
>I'm fucked
"Well, I don't think we're aquanted. I assume you know who I am. But you? Dazzy? Was it? Actually I don't care. Drazzy I know you fucked up."
>Everything he says is said so cheerfully but filled with menace
>Shit he knows
"Yes, I know about the farseer. I got agents all over. And before you say it, no I'm not going to kill you. Yet. I like to think I'm a fair ruler, and I can overlook one fuck up. But no more than that."
>His eyes bore into my very fucking soul
>And the next words quake the ship around me
"Don't do it again. Do you understand? Good! Well I hope you don't mind me sending some... Support back with you. Just so you don't die before I want you to. Goodbye Drazzy!"
>I'm dead
>The Archon is gonna be so pissed
>Be Captain Faryuk Klar
>I was barely fighting off these fucking birds when Drazzar arrived
>Thought it'd be over in a minute and we could go
>Then fucking Vect called.
>And now the birds are dragging me away!
>The Dragon just stands there
>Shitting his pains as I get dragged away to be eaten by birds
>be Palatine Sara
>the boarding team fell apart
>running through the halls shooting Dark Eldar, or daemons, or I'm not really sure
>that gas they dosed us with is starting to wear off but it's still hard to tell one screaming nightmare from another
>Librarian Nico follows me, stepping in with his force sword to defend me every time I back off to drop a new couple of shells into the shotgun
>most of the Astartes are dead
>the Inquisitor ran off somewhere in a fit
>got separated from the Farseer and that blue bird abhuman she was pulling around, but that's probably for the best
>heading back to the Thunderhawk
>rescuing the Saint is a cause worth dying for, but dying for no good reason in the attempt doesn't help anyone
>and nobody else is likely to come for us
>hope some of the Solar Hawks made it back
>best to get out alive for the time being
>running through the halls we already cleared, following dismembered Eldar bodies and Marines killed in traps like breadcrumbs
>gives us a free pass to book it, and I can move when I need to
>Nico has some trouble keeping up, he's still reeling from his own dose of hallucinogens
>the Thunderhawk is barely defended
>xenos seem like they're scrambling, preoccupied with something going on upstairs
>but it'd taken some hits in the Webway even before we rammed it into the ship, so I'm not optimistic about how well it'll fly
>there's nobody inside when I climb up the ladder from the lower decks, we're the only ones to make it back
>the two Marine pilots are dead, surrounded by the bloody bodies of several Wyches
>ah, hell
>don't even like riding in these things, there's no way I can fly it
>step onto the flight deck and draw a pistol on a silhouette hiding in the corner
>it's the Purple Stars serf, the gunner, all bloodied up and pointing a shaking lasgun at me
>say a few words to calm him down, but I haven't got time for a pep talk
>he's gotta suck it up because I sure as hell can't operate this bucket
>set the Chapter serf in the pilot's seat
>he's got some training with the Thunderhawk, in case the pilots were ever out of commission, which I'd say applies just about now
>he says it's wedged into the Eldar ship's hull
>hop back to the gunnery console
>don't care at this point if the ship gets out in perfect shape or not, because anywhere is better than here
>make sure the autoloader puts a solid shot in the cannon, wouldn't want to blow ourselves up with high explosives
>direct the heavy bolter turrets on manual fire, the shots carve out a little bit of leeway for the Thunderhawk
>fire the main cannon
>the dropship rocks backward, scraping partway out of the mousehole it made in the side of the hull
>tell the serf it's now or never
>he fires the retrothrusters
>the Thunderhawk jolts backwards with what feels like a hard kick to the stomach
>fire the remaining underwing missiles into the side of the Eldar ship as it falls away for good measure
>get my first look at Commorragh out the cockpit glass as the dropship rolls around like a drunk goose
>it's definitely something, even with such a blurry view
>it's every city I've ever seen all in one place, all around us, city lights up and down and every which way
>the main engines fire for about ten seconds of thrust and then burn themselves out
>guess we're a glider now
>nothing left but to trust in Space Marine aerodynamics
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>be me, Julius, the Sororitas-Slayer
>be fiddling with buttons
>travelling this way is relaxing
>but there's not much to to besides enjoy the view
>suddenly feel this pressure in my head
>Drathor's belt is glowing
>what's happening?
>Walter says "Oh, that's cute, fucking amateur"
>what's cute?
>he starts ranting, doesnt answer me
>Walter says not to interrupt him while he's weaving sorcery
>suddenly the pressure in my head vanishes and the entire car shakes
>hear the wrenching of metal as a set of horns sprout out of the front of the car
>angry red stripe appears down the centre of the car
>Drathor looks at me accusingly
>vox-player crackles to life
>stitched together musical lyrics come out
"HEY YOU! - guys - waaaaaaaaaaaaaaant - to - PURGE THEM - blue... - Fethaaaaaas"
>Drathor looks as confused as I am
>change the station
>hear the car spinning its axles
>don't think the car would be moving even if it was on the ground
>though on that note we do seem to be drifting steadily downwards
>balloon buddy must be getting tired
>seems like we're going to land in decently sized settlement
>it's got one big building in the middle
>has a bunch of brightly lit letters on the front of it
>too bad I can't read
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>Be Jeremiah Stahl, street food vendor
>I sell nutrient paste in Mecha City 1 just off Street #A-2
>It's a simple life, but I take pride in what I do
>Even techpriests gotta eat, y'know?
>Like to think I contribute to keeping this shiny new city running in a small but significant way
>Either way, normal sorta day, nothing special
>Then this fucking auged up murdermachine of a techpriestess floats down from one of the offices across the street
>She seems on edge, gun mechandendrites darting about, clawed fingers twitching
>She storms over to my stall
>Nervously ask what she's having
>Spits out some angry sounding static and says she's here to inspect my establishment
>Thankfully I'm an upstanding citizen of the mechanicus's fine city, and keep everything above board and sanctioned
>She inspects literally fucking everything, even the simple metal cans I store the goop in
>Seriously, she looks at those things three fucking times after concluding that yes, they are in fact cans
>Almost like she's desperate to find something heretical
>I ask her if there's anything wrong
>She screeches binary in my face and takes off the street, knocking over a crowd of enginseers while yelling something about her "needs"
>Truly, the servants of the Omnissiah are a mysterious bunch
>Shrug, and go back to serving a crowd of apprentices their chocolate-flavoured nutri-slurry
>The beeps and pings of happiness I get are what makes this job worthwhile
>Be me, Jy’im
>I’m an Aeldari ranger
>I walk the path of the outcast
>It seems a social outcast as well
>As that fucking bitch Kavi left me and only me to die as the Necron tomb was blowing up around us
>Lucky for me, the little Farseer fucked up and only teleported a chunk of it to the moon
>So I’m still alive
>Which is always nice
>But also, another nice thing is the Colonel
>When stranded and alone, that Mon’Keigh helped me
>He even let me stowaway on the transport that brought them back to the planet proper
>And his mustache
>Is a very fine mustache sir
>The most fine
>Which is why I have crafted a fine mustache comb from wraithbone and left it where he would find it, along with a note of thanks and a promise to repay him further for his kindness
>Thank you for helping me, XOXO,
>be Colonel
>wandering around outside while I wait for the show to start and my confusion to begin
>looking out at the city is kind of nice, especially cause there isn't some evil threat making us leg it out as fast as we can
>but other than that wandering lets me clear my head, makes me feel better
>especially when I have to deal with higher ups who hate me
>but wandering around in the city it's nice to see it being rebuilt and seeing all imperial citizens working together
>pull out a pair of old binoculars to have a quick squizz at the surrounds
>hmm city is coming together nicely, but they'll need to work on those slums to make the place far more viable
>seems the ad mech boys have set them selves up creating their own settlement interesting, I just hope I don't have to fight those skitarii things, they're weird
>keep scanning the horizon
>whats that I wonder, zoom in a bit, oh thats odd
>are those those Tau that got into our comms network
>cause thats a fucking big explosion
>I wonder what they're doing, might report it to the Commissar(s) later
>put my binoculars away and keep walking around
>stumble onto a small what looks like comb
>oh it's got a note
>ah it's from that Eldar I helped on the moon
>well your welcome, Jy'im
>weird name
>never know might see her again sometime
>anyway time to get back inside
>Be Future Commissar
>Planning for security of this talk show is agonizingly dull
>Have to make sure that nothing really goes wrong since it being a live vox recording on a war planet is usually asking for some sort of assassination to happen
>Its one of those plannings were its mostly just having to fine tune all the small details like how to Ork proof a venatlation system, making sure some eldar fags don't enact some sort of contrived Machiavellian scheme that will bite all of us in the ass, or just making sure some cultists doesn't release daemons and shit
>Want to complain about wasting a few thousand Guardsmen for this but can't really do much about this
>On the bright side, planning for that night time raid on Bricktown is going along nicely
>Still need some inside informers though to ensure success
>Did hear about relatively "normal" citizens who reside in the place, maybe I can remind I can have them provide info on nay weird shit we missed
>After all, the Imperium doesn't technically support earlier retirement, this will be like a job for them
>Sure it involves having to deal with potential chaos infestation but thats the norm for this planet I'm sure they will be fine
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>be me, Palatine Ocean of the Piercing Thorn
>fucking finally
>Cannoness I-need-a-castle-built-by-mythical-mutants managed to pull the bottle of wine out of her throat long enough to approve my proposal
>slut drinks like a fish
>speaking of fish
>that's what my proposal was about
>my Order has a focus on stabilizing terraforming efforts on Imperial worlds
>so we brought an oceanful of fish with us
>unfortunatly the ocean here is overrun with feral tyranids
>since my order fights with only the pure form of the human body, we've had trouble clearing them out
>so I've been stuck in a room with these cunts for FAR to long
>Emperor, I need to punch something
>If I get to choose, it'd be that whore Cosma
>"how come you're so heavily equipped, if you believe in the purity of the human form?"
>uh, obviously because our equipment is an extension of the human form?
>Dumb Bitch
>why do you think the Emperor designed the space marines that way?
>Neon hasn't been cool since the 2nd Millenium, you tramp
>anyway with the approval we should be able to get some adaptaions for underwater
>as well as some extra muscle hopefully
>I better not get skimped on because of these other harlots and their stupid plans
>Be me, Ignorant Ian.
>Be loyal imperial citizen and subject of the Emperor.
>Have no idea what the fuck is going on.
>Get up and try to go to work.
>Be me, Drathor
>Car is making noises
>And it has horns now
>Give Julius a look
>Kick the radio set just for good measure
>Then I spot it
>Big ass building up ahead
>Pouring with lights that shine out all around
>Lots of noise coming from it's windows and shit
>Big glaring letters showing off it's name
>'C o n f e s s ~'
>But that's not what I'm staring at
>I'm staring at the giant neon lighting that is clear displaying The Governess in a much less pious display
>Me and Julius are natives to this world, so we both had heard rumors of what our dear leader had gotten up to in her younger days
>Didn't think she'd inspired a fucking place like this
>We're coming down now
>Apparently balloons need breaks now
>Scoop up my axe
>Check my gear
>Yeah we're going down there
>Better get your good suit on Julius ol'pal
>Time for a night on the town
>be Ar-Pharazon
>once was a fucking battlesuit
>Now I'm a Khorne damned car
>fucking shit head vagina face
>these two fucks driving the car are suddenly confused by the transformation of their vehicle
>the way we're driving is to what seems to be a slaanseh city
>on seeing our trajectory, I make this shitbox move fatser
>if we're or they're gonna murder stuff, especially whores
>They're gonna fucking move as fast I can get them there
>and then we can deal with the other piss stains on this planet
>Be Tar Gwill, XIIIth legion, 83rd company, 4th claw
>or maybe IIIrd legion?
>or am I a purple star?
>I know I'm still breathing
>hacking apart xenos with the Daemon's sword
>tactically poor situation
>Inqusior probably dead, xeno witch disappeared, mutant gone, squad decimated
>Just me, insane sororitas, librarius, and two other purple goons
>Spiky fuck brings a powersword down on me
>block it with a goon
>sororitas comes on vox
Thunderhawk, now
>Let me teach you the ways of my people
>pop my last frag and advance gloriously through the corridors
>don't even stop to loot corpses
>Sororitas is surprisingly right on my heels
>punch the auto lock on the hatch and slide in
>Soritas climbs up cockpit, I guess she's flying
>two remaining astartes strap into seats
>what the fuck is this
>drop daemon blade
>rifle through the ships apothecarius
>Tear of helm and down a bottle of astartes strength psycho-meds
>still alive
>feel T-bird rumble beneath my feet
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>Be me, Jiro
>I've been inside the ship for hours now
>Aside from the humming of it's engines, it's be relatively quiet
>Tried to raise the others on the vox
>No answer
>They are either dead, captured, or are evading the enemy
>Hope it's the latter
>The first would be a shame
>The second would be a horror
>I've been creeping about
>Avoiding notice from what I can tell
>This is good
>I don't think the enemy actually thought I would manage to get aboard
>High flying like that isn't just something that happens
>I am lucky for the brothers I have
>I hope they are doing alright
>It's all the darker without my fellow Hawks
>But that's fine
>I have another light to guide me
>Withdraw The Saint's Sword
>I've been keeping it wrapped up in my long Ace's Scarf to keep it's glow hidden
>It's become quiet luminescent
>I take this as a good sign
>It means my quarry is nearby
>It means I'm getting all the closer
>Still not sure how I will be able to free The Saint
>For all I know, it is only myself that remains of our boarding team
>But I will deal with that obstacle when it shows itself
>Until then, I remain hidden
>I am no Son of Corax
>No trickery or wraith slipping to aid my passage
>But I am a hunter
>A patient hunter when need be
>And a hawk may circle unseen while sighting it's prey
>I just need to wait for my chance
>I clutch the sword
>Whisper a small prayer
>And then continue on
>You may adress me as Hakron Geas, presently commanding the Gloriana class battle barge Beta
>stand before the command throne where once sat the mighty Omegon
>ill be glad to leave this world
>Portal slides open
>enter a the sorcerer I sent for flanked by two rubrics
>I remain motionless as diplomatist-primus speaks with the sorcerer
>informs him that we depart in five cycles
>that should give me time to find a backup navigator
>you don't become a 400 year old spymaster by trusting the servants of lord Tzeentch
>primus escorts sorcecer to one of the many vacant chambers in the barge
>please inform him to clean up afterwards if he wants to make use our vast librarium
>that's basically what I do around here, wait for my operatives to get their shit together, and wait for my plans to fail
>maybe a little whimsy would take the edge off the centuries
>if there's already two commissars on this planet...
>why not a third?
>summon apothecary
>Rev up those vitae wombs!
>Be me, middle class factorum overseer
>You know, a few months ago, I was cowering in the bombed out wreckage of our shitty hab block with my family
>Now the arbites and local police are increasing recruitment, our governess is a beacon of hope, and I even got a raise!
>And to top it all off, I’ve been able to move my family into a brand new hab in Brick Town!
>Brick Town is the brand new neighborhood that the new construction company that’s been making a lot of business just made
>Man, do those guys get things done
>They must work the vile abhumans they employ to the bone to get this done so fast!
>You know, there was a point back then
>About the time I had to execute grandma and grandpa for being infected by genestealers
>That I thought the Emperor had abandoned me
>But now, I know that it was merely a test of faith
>And now I have been awarded with a lovely wife, two beautiful children, a good job, and a well designed roof over my head
>Praise the Emperor!
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>Be Water Caste
>Sometimes known as Two-Bird
>As that is what one of my names translates to
>I've been rescued by the Enclaves!
>And Mal'Caor is here!
>She used to be the chief engineer on Aun'Dik's ship
>Speaking of Aun'Dik, I keep hearing his voice, telling me to quote
>"Tap dat ass."
>Also the guy who rescued me is big and red
>Like, woah, you're taller than any other tau I've ever seen of any caste
>What do they feed people in the Enclaves?
>Questions for later
>For now, catching up on people!
>Well, just Mal'Caor
>I think I saw a air caste I recognized earlier, but he was muttering something about his shoota while scrubbing green paint off himself
>Aun'Dik's voice in my head keeps telling me to "bone the earth caste chick"
>Man, I really need sleep
>These hallucinations sound frustrated.
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>be me, Cosma
>Palatine of the Order of the Glowing Chalice
>yeah, I know, "fucking who?"
>but take my word for it, we're rad as hell
>we got the works
>laser guns, fluorescent hair dye, electric turbine-powered inline skates, the best outfits this side of Hua Yuan
>not like all those stuck-up Sisters
>where can you sign up, right?
>well, you gotta be a hot bitch with a lot of faith first, if you check those boxes then drop me a line
>but it's not all good times in the Sororitas
>we get up to the real shit
>right now we signed up to clear out the outer quarters of Angels' Landing
>lots of real Chaos heretics and regular old criminals left over even though the place has been under occupation for ages
>shows you how far you get with a stick up your ass
>apparently those Ermine Mantle bitches have been making raids for months, they don't expect us to make much progress
>but city fighting that's our thing
>don't really know why you would train to fight anywhere else
>you think hills and deserts and mountains are worth fighting over?
>we roll up to this old warehouse
>it's usually a warehouse
>launch smoke and flash grenades through the windows
>Sister Astraea smashes the door in
>come in on a couple of dopey looking assholes wearing tartan kilts and yellin' aboot something or other
>tell them to kiss the fucking floor
>they don't
>one of them tries to rush me with a bigass sword
>spray them both with purple beams from my hellgun
>looks fucking cool in the colored smoke
>they both fall to the ground steaming
>Sisters spread out clearing the place
>take notes, bitches, this is how you get shit done
>you don't sit around waiting for the heretics to cause fires for you to put out
>you get out there and you bust down some fucking doors
>Be me, Aun'Dik, Ethereal
>Also fuck awesome daemon prince of Slaanesh
>I'd show off my massive assets
>But I'm stuck in the Imaterium until I can regenerate
>Because this tomato of a fire caste killed me
>So I'm spending my time fucking around with these boring ass Tau
>I've found it easier to whisper suggestions into the ears of the idiots I once commanded
>Unfortunately, the water caste is fucking thick
>He has potential though
>He actually got close to falling to Chaos after he had escaped the Imperials
>But there is this Mal'Caor chick
>She tried oh so very hard to avoid me back in the day
>Well not any more
>You think I'm dead
>Now, to give some whispers into her mind
"You know girl, unlike back in the septs, your... love life isn't restrained within your caste, your parter not chosen by the ethereals."
>Well, the last thing is a lie, because I am choosing
"What about Shas'Vre Dorax? Think about those big muscly arms, wrapping around you, embracing you, making you his? Or would you rather go at... love from a different direction? Two-Bird is weak, servile, and he respects you, he admires you, he adores you. If you wanted, he'd be like wet clay in your hands, ready to be shaped into whatever you want?"
>I do so love temptation
"Think about it, I can't make decisions for you. I'm just a single part of you. But think about it darling."
>And now to wait. Hopefully, I won't have to do much beyond this
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>A new challenger approaches
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>Be me, Julius, Sororitas-Slayer
>The radio is yelling about whores
>I don't understand the new music today
>Car is spinning is axles like it wants to go faster
>I dont think it works that way buddy
>Touch down right in front of the big sign of the governess
>She's, uh... very informally dressed
>Car keeps spinning it's axles in the dirt but it doesn't move
>That's ok buddy
>Pat the car
>I'll zap him up some legs or something later
>Drathor steps out of the car and says to suit up
>What's wrong with what I'm wearing
>Look down at my tattered robe and pants
>I guess I could clean up a little
>grab a handful of cloak
>Pic related
>Except it's kinda warm and it feels like it has a pulse
>Drathor raises an eyebrow while I hop out of the car
>Walk into the big building with Drathor
>Never been in a casino before
>They're super bright with all the lights and machines
>But this is exciting
>I've always wanted to gamble!
>Run over to the chip counter
>Teller looks down at me over the counter
>Asks how many chips I'd like to purchase?
>I'm sure I must have some...
>Rummage around in my pockets
>Found some!
>Pull a handful of thrones out of my new jacket's pockets
>They kinda skitter across my palm as I place them on the counter
>Teller turns her nose up at me as she exchanges the coins for a single chip
>Grab it
>Now what should I play first?
>Be me, Drathor
>The Last Crasher, The Problem Child
>Julius is looking fancy
>Like one of those twats that tries to convince you that 'Hey, I know that it says that Warp Dust isn't technically legal, but I'm a superstar baby!'
>Whatever tiny dancer
>Tell him I'm going to look around, see if I can track down who runs this place
>He starts moving over to all the games and shit
>Doesn't this guy know it's all a big trick
>Ah well, he can probably just mutate people into chips if he needs to
>While he's checking out the slots and shit, I'm going to look elsewhere
>Oh man, a bar
>Realize it's been like
>Feth me....
>How long since I last had a drink?
>Stroll on up
>People around, other customers, waiters, dancers
>This place is bouncing
>I can't stand it
>Debating on what to order
>White Valhallen? A Missionary's Downfall?
>Ha, they named one after one of the Ermine Mantle bitches
>Settle on something called a Bloody Valky
>Start looking around
>Start asking questions
>Start sipping the drink
>Someone here is in charge
>And I'm going to find them
>After all, this is an alright drink
>Be a shame to finish it without a proper meal
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>Be Kaviala Kade, Farseer
>Our mission to rescue the Mon'Keigh greater daemon has failed
>However, the success was never my true goal
>It just would have been a nice bonus
>No, instead the visions are telling me I must follow around the Tzneetch tainted creature that hits things with bricks
>Thank you threads of fate
>Thank you for this glorious quest
>We have been entirely separated from the cosplaying palatine, the librarian marine, and also that one marine from one of the traitor legions who was doing a very bad job of disguising himself yet none of the mon'keigh seemed to notice
>I never mentioned it because the traitor marine was utterly insane
>So now I'm waiting with this "Brick" in a cafeteria
>It's a commorrite cafeteria, so there's spikes and hooked chains hanging from the ceiling
>Also a half-dead mon'keigh, moaning in pain
>I consider putting him out of his misery when
>A crowd of other tzaangors barge in, dragging one of my dark kin kicking and screaming behind them.
>One of them, a female, drops to her kness
"Lord Brick, we are so glad to have found you! We were unable to take the bridge, and now we seek your guidance! Please accept our gift of this new intern!"
>I sip the shitty recaf I had gotten from a machine in the cafeteria as the commorrite chick is pushed to her feet while cursing at the birds
>It's laced with Dark Eldar narcotics
>But honestly, I don't care
>Fuck this day
"So then, dark kin of mine, have you joined the intern program as well?"
"Fuck you, you stuck up craftworld bitch!"
>I like her
>The birds are getting into a huddle and whispering amongst themselves
>I could listen in, but that's too much effort
>Also those drugs are kicking in and the birds are covered in spiders
"So then... what's your name?"
"Captain Faryuk Klar. I'm going to carve it into your flesh when I have you at my mercy later."
"Cute. Have you ever considered not being a horrific monster?"
"Is that supposed to be a joke bitch?"
>Be Grotmando Dakkafilcher
>Actually be Grotbow Six, one of the collective group of kommando-trained grots known as Dakkafilcher
>Looks like the Boss forgot that we're still infiltrating and doing that mission of his, 'loot all de dakkas'
>We get it, he's real busy with New Orkster-Dam business
>Well we're also gettin' busy of our own
>Heard there's gonna be a lot of humie bosses doing a 'talk show'
>Figured there's gonna be juicy intel on where all the Tyranids are, that oughta get the Boss out of his funk
>Currently disguised as a trash can, near the hive spire where the talk show is going to be held
>Dodged humie patrols, snuck through fences, climbing up water pipes, rappel down the side of the spire and stuff
>Found an entrance to this ventilation system
>A surprisingly large ventilation system
>I mean, the Boss could fit in here, by Gork n Mork
>Wonder why they make it so big
>Then see the purple bars
>Complete with a sticky note with 'dis be wall' in botched Orkish stuck to it
>Silently groan, this might work on the Boss, but not to Kommandos, or Kommando-trained grots
>Well maybe Kommandos can't fit through the bars
>But this grot can!
>Continue further into the building
>Arrive on top of the comms room
>And wait
>Note which wires could be sabotaged, if need be
>I take another sip of the drug filled recaf and look her dead in the eye
>She seems legitimately taken aback
>Oh look, the birds are done planning their nonsensical plans that will somehow work because either Tzneetch or Ceogorach are laughing at their antics
"You two! You work for Brick Corp now! No pay, you pay in work experience until gain full position under in company! You follow me to top!"
>Slightly interested, I scan the various threads of time to see how following him actually works out
>Fuck that
>I don't want to end up as a tzaangor married to him
>Even if I do end up owning a massive stake in a highly profitable company
>And even if our children are adorable
>And even if I look incredibly hot as a bird person in a pantsuit
>Fuck I'm tempted
>No, that is not the fate I am choosing for myself
>Unfortunately, the only other fate I can choose at this moment is INCREDIBLY STUPID
>I quickly grab the hand of Faryuk and tear open a portal, leaping through before the idiot tzaangors can react and dragging the captain with me
>We thud onto the ground of a filthy ally, the pale light of a stolen sun barely shining upon us
>I have taken myself away from a fate as a highly successful businessbirdwoman to a fate that involves either escaping Commorragh alive or ending up dead
>Yay me.jpg
>Be Captain Thorn
>Currently in one of the new Thunderhawks that wasn't stolen with an Aggressor squad serving as my body guards for out trip
>Was hoping it would be a simple back and forth to assure the Salamander Sargent that the civies the veteran Fist took are being treated well
>That was until some unholy abomination hit our craft
>Have to make a quick landing in this outlying village that looks mostly unscathed from the fighting on this shithole
>Start thinking that maybe this place can be partially fortified while we ar-
"Captain, we have landed in a village filled with heathenish mutants".
>That was when I noticed the locals
>I may lack the biological knowledge that our brother Apothecaries have, but I can tell when some degenerate inbreeding has been going on
>These foul mutants contain multiple unholy deviations from the sacred human form that our Gene Father fought to preserve from such grotesque behavior
>"Brothers, the Emperor has guided us here on our trip to purge this filth. Release your righteous furry upon these mutants."
>Next few minutes was occupied by nothing by doing the Emperor work and removing such stains from his holy Imperium
>May not have reached my destination yet or come any closer to finding all the stolen artifacts but this pit stop was a worthy stress reliever
>Praise be to the Emperor and Dorn
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I wanna see art of baby bricks now, BricKade OTP
>Be Tar Gwill
>Just as the thunderhawk begins to lift us to freedom
>Engines cut out
>Turn to the two Purple Stars
>Ship shifts under us
>Try to laugh
>Librarian whelp is giving me that look
>I know it well
>I'm just as scared as he is
>check vid-display
>whole warp fucked xenos city spinning around
>that means we left the warp
>deep breath
>luckily theres nothing I can stab in arms reach
>staying Sane
>walk to the armory, and begin loading as many bolter magazines as I can
>I can hear
>what sounds like lascannons impacting the hull
>reminds me of

"Prepare for planet fall "brothers"
>Be Lexicanium Nico of the Purple Stars
>The world is finally starting to piece itself back together
>Whatever hit me in the eldar ship...
>Why can't I wear a helmet?
>As my vision clears, a battle brother is just standing there, an eldar blade in hand
>he turns
>By the Emperor, he has no eyes
>What look like black lighting bolts are tattooed across his face
>he smiles faintly, revealing sharp, crooked teeth
>I guess this trip isn't over
>turn to brother Illus
>He is carefully cleaning his bolter
>In the light of the hull, I can see his armor closely now, spattered in foul alien fluids, chiped and erroded. The three white stars of Ephonia are barely visible on his pauldron
>Oh Emperor
>Thats half of 5th company...
>I guess its my d-duty
>to record the tallies
>begin to whisper prayers of sanctification
>look again to the strange brother
>his armor doesn't have a vox signature
>too tired to scry his mind
>I can still feel the emperors light
>somewhere out there, in the darkness
>We cannot fail
>Till the stars fall from sky
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>Be me, Ocean, Palatine of the Piercing Thorn
>They gave us
>Made of recycled barrels
>And some modified sonic bombs they called "depth charges"
>That we're just supposed to
>Into the water with our hands
>Should have strangled that weaselly little quartermaster
>Like I know we're short on tech support with the mechanicus fucking toasters on the other side of the planet
>But who the hell do I have to blow to get something that's not made of wood?
>At least the charges work well
>Even if they threaten to tear our craft apart every damn time we try to use them
>One of the feral 'Nids that survived the last charge climbs up the side of my boat
>Fucking finally
>Feel a little tingle go down my spine as my power fist caves it's Xeno skull in
>Oh yes
>One downside of my order is that our dedication to the purity of the human form forbids the consumption of any non-natural substances
>This includes recaf, so there are times when I get a bit grumpy
>Fortunately, adrenaline is one hell of a drug!
>I always feel better after a bout or two of mortal combat
>These boats arent so bad after all, grumpy me is always so critical
>I'll have to apologize to that quartermaster for my rudeness
>And thank whoever made these "depth charges"
>I can't wait to tell all my wonderful sisters from the other orders about the progress we're making
>But first, I have to finish cleaning this section of the ocean
>What a lovely day it is today!
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>Be me, Julius, Sororitas-Slayer
>Be on a hot streak
>Started with only one chip
>But now I've got loads
>First I went over to the roulette table
>People gave me funny looks when I only put one chip down
>Put it on 9 since it's my favourite number
>I won so I figured I'd do the same thing again
>Won again
>Which is good
>But roulette isn't super interesting to watch
>Moved over to the the blackjack table
>Kept getting those those cards with the Emperor and the ones with the A's on them
>Which apparently means I win?
>I kinda just sat there, I don't get why people say blackjack is so exciting
>At this point my chips were getting kind of heavy, so I dropped most of them off at the lottery that they were running
>So now I'm hanging around the slots
>It's great that I keep winning
>But it IS kind of inconvenient that it keeps spraying the chips all over my legs
>I'm really good at gambling
>guess what they say about it being all mental is true
>I just have to think about winning and it happens!
>My chips are getting heavy again
>Maybe I should drop them off at the lottery as well
>They're calling for me over the vox system
>Apparently I just WON the lottery
>Well now how am I gonna carry all these
>I need Drathors help, he's good at carrying heavy stuff
>Oh! poker tables
>gotta try that first

>Be Mal'Caor
>Things with Dorax went better than expected
>Was half expecting to have to dodge pulse cannon fire
>Although finding him a new suit's going to be a bitch, isn't like crisis suits grow on trees
>Still, glad to see him return to something resembling a normal colour
>Purple kinda suits him, actually
>Really brings out the muscle definition
>Either way, catching up with Two Bird while I keep messing around with an old decommissioned XV15
>Given all the shit he's been through I have difficulty comprehending how he's not dead
>Still, works for me
>Gunna need a water caste to handle all the infowar shenanigans I've got in mind, and he's not that bad
>Bit dense at times, but we all have our moments
>Plus most of the really stupid shit he's done was because Aun'Dik ordered him to do it, so who's the real idiot?
>Yeah, Two Bird's alright
>...And not that bad looking eith-
>Okay where're these thoughts coming from
>I've never been into cross caste stuff, I like my men short, stocky and technical
>Not ripped like a firewarrior on a propaganda poster
>Or the idol-tier bishounen look the water caste work so hard on
>Yet there's this voice in the back of my head telling me I should fuck one of these two
>A pretty familiar voice, actually
>Fucking hell, I need to see a shrink
>Clearly the trauma of having been on Aun'Dik's party boat is making me hear the degenerate talking to me
>Despite being very fucking dead
>It's a pretty accurate rendition too
>Right down to trying to tempt me into banging my coworkers despite being the one who single handedly ruined sex for me
>Shake my head, and carry on talking with Two Bird about the comms systems he'll need
>While adding a memo on my HUD to go talk with the CMO about booking some therapy sessions
There is no way Dorax's still not tomato colored btw.

Couldn't remember what the conclusion was about that one, ignore that bit if that's the route we went with
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Eldar Souls Belong to Big Blue Birds
>Be me, mutant with a bounty across 12 systems
>Be on the Pilgrim Ship "Maydayflower" headed towards the Shrine World Stercus Ludicrum
>In the brig, to be more specific
>The stewardesses don't like being groped, which I find hard to believe
>Anyways, thanks to my dandy third handy I nicked some keys, keycards, nudes and sentimental nick-knacks which go great for my pilgrim look.
>One guard in the best equipment a ship captain can buy is standing outside the cell, bored
>As he's admiring the stewardesses' pretty faces, I grab his sidearm and shoot him in the foot
>Unlocking the cell door with my pilfered keys, I shoot his larynx out with the laspistol before he can vox for help
>One quick wardrobe swap later, the mute "lecherous pilgrim" is locked up in the brig as he should be
>In the meantime, it's about time for my shift to end
>Sucks that this guard outfit's kinda stuffy with my arm stuffed inside
>I'll never be as funny as Johnny Two-heads, guy was a natural two-man show. RIP in peace, my mugga.
>Be Palatine Barbastella
>With the Canoness Superior in talks with the recently arrived ecclesiastical delegation and Palatine Sara lost somewhere in the webway, I have been left to coordinate the city
>I am thankful that Lord-Captain Corazon saw fit to provide us with several crates of high quality Tallarn recaf, as otherwise I fear I might have finally taken the .75 calibre retirement option
>Such selfish suicide would not be viewed kindly by our Lord
>In any case, while existence within the city limits is slowly becoming more tolerable there are still many issues at hand
>Sister Maria's inspection of Brick Corp raised a number of red flags in my mind
>She's a good and faithful sister, but far too trusting of others
>A dangerous thing in a universe like this
>The future iteration of the Commissar agreed with me, and is organising a raid on "Bricktown"
>Which leaves me free to deal with internal matters
>Such as the squabbling between seven minor orders of sisters, each with their own idiosyncratic approach to serving Him on Terra
>I must give credit where it is due, Konstanzia's approval of all their projects has the distinct advantage of forcing them to learn to adapt to this world's insanity, or perish in the attempt
>But realistically, the probable result will be a number of badly thought out resource wasting projects doomed to failure
>Dumped on us all so that they're no longer Konstanzia's problem
>Once again, I'm dead inside, not stupid

>I scan my dataslate in the hope of finding something palatable
>Two messages from Palatine Ocean, one complaining about the equipment she was given, then another one timestamped a few hours later apologising for the complaint
>...Problem solved, I presume
>One from Palatine Cosma written in multicoloured fluorescent text, informing me of the success of her raid and also calling me "a gloomy stuck up cunt who needs to get laid or kill something"
>Thank you for taking the time to write that Cosma, I'll be sure to remember that when you next request resupply
>A long list of criticisms from Canoness Safiyah about the immodesty of my Repentia's dress code
>Frankly I'd like to know what tortuous logic she employed to conclude that a buttoned up black dress is somehow worse than the standard gimp-mask-and-strategic-purity-seals look
>Decide to ignore it, if she wants to push it further she'll find herself overreaching the authority she believes she has over me
>And... this weeks unusual deaths report, from Hospitaller Dahlia
>Well at least this will be interesting
>One of my own died of a severe case of "Squig Lung"
>I initially thought it was a euphemism until I read further
>After some thought, decide to file it under "bad deaths"
>I continue reading
>One of the Ermine's Sisters Dialogous was found with her throat cut, in the Cathedral itself no less
>Strange, and highly disturbing
>Assign Maria's squad to the case, and give Sister Sarah a call on the vox
>They've been successful at solving such problems in the past
>And frankly Sister Nyx needs something to take her mind off her hearse getting stolen
>Be me, Drathor
>Bloody Valky goes down nice
>But I still haven't heard much about the owner or how he connects with The Governess
>Just as I'm about to start asking the rough way, I hear over the vox that Julius has actually won something
>He won the lottery?
>Guess he's luckier then I thought
>Start heading back to the casino, looking to see if I can track him down
>It's not hard
>I follow the trail of dropped chips, and lowlifes scooping them up
>Eventually come on up to him
>He's looking to get into a poker match, and wants me to carry his chips
>I...I guess?
>I got enough pockets for them I suppose
>Alright buddy, good luck in your next game
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>Be me, Sister Sarah of the Ermine Mantles
>Once again, I am ace detective Sarah
>Hard boiled detective.vox
>The crime: muder
>The victim: Sister Yada, Dialogus, of the Order of the Ermine Mantle
>The body has been extracted from the crime scene with utmost care
>They're going to preform an autopsy before her funereal
>Sad to see a good dame like that one go
>The world will be poorer without her embezzling money from it
>Wait, no, it's the other way round
>Yada wasn't the best girl
>But she was cordial, and alway on time
>Didn't deserve this
>I take a drag on my lho-stick
>It isn't actually lit
>It just helps me complete the detective look
>Let's see here...
>Besides the blood on her desk, nothing else in the room had been disturbed
>Meaning there was no struggle
>All the more interesting is the pattern of blood on the desk
>It flowed out of her nice and easy, taking her life with it
>That implies she likely didn't look up from her work
>I try the door to her office
>It has a hell of a squeak, no way anyone'd get in without her noticing
>No other points of entry either
>Her office doesn't have any windows, no vents large enough for anything bigger than a ratling or one of those little ork things to get through
>A possibility, but I don't think it's likely
>Shame the documents she was looking at were ruined.
>Still, they're evidence, and I bag 'em
>A woman died in her office, no struggle, with her throat cut. Didn't even look up.
>She couldn't have killed herself
>How in the Emperor's Name did the murderer get in?
>be Palatine Sara
>didn't die in the crash
>the Chapter serf guided the Thunderhawk down pretty well, all things considered
>it's hanging suspended in some kind of forest of tangled cabling, which I'm hoping aren't active power lines
>look over at Librarian Nico
>there's another Purple Stars Marine that got himself into the lower bay before we left the Eldar ship
>he's readying bolter magazines
>that's wishful thinking, I guess
>we're not going to last long if we go out there fighting
>the locals are already reacting to the crash, can see Dark Eldar scrambling around on the surveyor screens
>not Kabalites, just what I guess their regular folk look like
>learned a little about Commorragh in schola
>only a mention here and there, because what Sister would ever end up in this place?
>my life was a lot simpler before
>the city of a trillion Eldar, bigger than any planet
>can believe that just looking out the window
>there's no sky and no horizon, just city, dark spires piking haphazardly from every which way
>feel like I'm in a porcupine's asshole
>see a few xenos on the monitors too, one of those snake things, that's what I was hoping for
>it's the city of the Dark Eldar, but they aren't the only residents, not in wards like this one
>hoping I can blend in for a while
>look back at the Marines
>the serf and I might be able to get away with that but there's no disguising a couple of the Emperor's Angels of Death
>would hate to leave them, Astartes are children of the God-Emperor, they're next to holy
>but only "next to"
>Brigitte takes priority
>we need to think long term, get around, find a vessel of some kind to either rescue her or make sure word gets to someone who can
>lay out my intentions to Nico
>he and his battle-brother will have to get out and find a place to lay low until the gunner serf and I can come back and get them
>he doesn't look happy
>neither does the serf
>at the gunners console
>watching the small crowd of xenos gathering outside
>many of them brought tools, they're as interested in the Thunderhawk for salvage as anything else
>flick on the surveyor targeting systems while I whisper my thanks and apologies to the dropship's poor Machine Spirit
>one of the heavy bolter turrets was sheared off in the crash but the other three are still active
>each member of the small crowd of xenos on the monitor gets a red diamond painted over them
>they're as close to civilians as I expect the Dark Eldar have, but hey
>suffer not the xenos
>disengage the safeties
>the guns open up firing, mulching unfortunate members of the crowd
>flick another switch
>the Thunderhawk vents out a cloud of smoke that fills the streets and I tell the others that it's time to go
>scoop up the Purple Stars serf and drop the twenty feet or so out of the Dreadnought bay
>head off into the smoke in the opposite direction from the Marines
>we pass Eldar and other xenos fleeing from the continuing bolter fire
>used scraps from the outfits of the dead Wyches on board the ship to dress myself up a bit
>don't look much like the average Wych but with the hat and the overcoat I never looked much like the average Sororitas either
>with my face and ears and Ecclesiarchal symbols covered, I don't look much like a typical Eldar
>but I do look as close as I can to the kind of space drifter you wouldn't want to mess with, which I figure is something the Dark City has by the bushel
>give the Chapter serf the equipment bag I took from the Thunderhawk to carry around
>realize I don't know his name
>tells me it's Kaspar
>with the Purple Stars symbols covered and an unpainted flight helmet on he looks pretty believable as some kind of servant
>thankfully purple blends in pretty well around here
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>Be me, Kabalite Vex
>Fuck, the main rescue effort is in shambles
>Don't know where the fuck Elmas is
>Or the marines
>Or Sara
>There's no way I can get Brigitte out on my own
>There IS another boarder
>He came in alone, and he has the saint's sword
>A space marine
>Let's see if I can remember the channel that space marines use...
>Here we go
>Gotta stretch those muscles to use the gravely anonymous voice
>Haven't had to do that in a while
"Come in Jiro. You don't know me, but I know you. You are on a righteous quest to rescue the saint, and I wish to help you. I currently have access to security feeds, and will be able to guide you to the saint. Be careful though. While the traps and troops have been depleted by the other marines, danger still lurks around every corner. Just follow my directions, and do the Emperor's work."
>He asks what he can call me
"Call me Deep Throat."
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>Be me, Jiro
>Infiltration has been so far successful
>Creeping through the halls of the ship
>Ducking behind corners, and remaining still
>I had to climb into the roofing to avoid the passage of some wretched slaves
>Until I fell in upon them of course
>It wasn't a long struggle
>I recognize the ragged peoples as those who have been kidnapped by these raiders
>Men and women slaved to the wills of mad men
>Truly, I believe this is a blessing
>The last thing they see in their dark lives is the gleam of The Saints Sword
>Hush now children
>The Sun is rising
>Hide their bodies
>Offer a prayer
>Hate the alien even more now
>Keep moving
>Get a transmission over my vox
>First contact in what I feel like has been days
>No way for me to keep track of time in here though
>Don't recognize the voice
>Sounds like someone who's tried to gargle a chainsword
>Talks about aiding me
>Talks about how I am doing The Emperor's work
>Calls himself Deep Throat
>I don't reply further
>There is nothing to say
>If this one is as he says he is, I will welcome the aid
>But I am in enemy territory
>With foes who are known for their tricks
>I will remain ready for deception
>So it may come to some annoyance that I am not following a designated path he sends me
>I follow my own trail for the time being
>If he spots any enemy, he may warn me
>If not, then I will be ready
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>Be Kabalite Vex
>The idiot goes in the opposite direction I tell him to
>Face to palm.gif
>He is actively going the opposite direction of the saint for awhile before he notice the change in glow from his sword
>He literally required a miracle to go the right way
>Not even the right way even
>Because he can't walk through solid metal
>So he's just going through the next closest path
>Which happens to actually be the wrong way
>Because this ship is a fucking labyrinth
>Oh look, a mandrake is trying to get the drop on him
"Jiro, there is a mandrake behind you."
>He takes it out admirably
"Jiro, if you want to get to the saint, you'll need to actually follow my directions. Now, at the next junction, the hallway to the left is the way forward to the saint. The hallway to the right however leads to a room filled with whirring blades, traps, and non-stop, maximum volume, out of tune polka music. Also, there's a squad of wyches stalking you. They're still a ways back, but they'll come for you eventually. Be careful; their blades can cut throw power armor and the poison can overwhelm even an astartes immune system."
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>Be me, Jiro
>The voice is back
>It warned me of a Mandrake
>A Mandrake is a creature of pure darkness
>Lesser species have been known to be afraid of such things that dwell in the night
>But we know no fear
>I banish the creature with a slash of my blade
>It cannot hide where The Emperor's Light shines
>I pull the blade closer
>Close my eyes
>Look for a sign
>The buzz on my vox starts talking
>His voice sounds worse for it's irritation
>Explaining to me the way forward and how to proceed
>Does a quite informative bit of explaining about the Eldar Wyches that have been looking to track me down
>Of course, the way forward is clear
>And that's what worries me
>This voice on the vox, he says he wishes to aid me
>And if his information is true, then I have no choice on where I must pass
>And that's why when I reach the passage, I go right
>Upon entering the long chamber, I see that this is indeed a deathtrap
>Hear the gates slam down behind me
>The music kicks up
>pic related
>Yet I do not fear
>I remain still for a time
>Something is pulling me in this direction
>I block out the protesting from the vox, and focus
>Guide me Oh Emperor
>A hawk must learn to read the currents of the wind if he is to succeed on the hunt
>That's It!
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>I hear the movement of air entering this chamber
>It is not completely sealed
>Indeed, as I search about for it's source, it's quite the contrary
>Along one of the walls, is a damaged segment a hole broken through some form of damage
>Perhaps one of the Boarding Party's work
>Perhaps another battle unrelated
>Either way it's my shot
>I move, swiftly
>Blades whirl
>Knives spin
>I fly
>My speed is such that I can move past the outlying traps
>My armour manages to take the damage I cannot avoid
>I make it to the hole in the wall
>Still to small for me to fit
>I bring up The Saint's Sword
>If you just break down this wall here, you'll make a clear, nice living space for your Torture Death Trap Room
>Peel away the metal
>Squeeze through the breach
>Let myself fall into this next chamber
>It's a hallway
>More then that, it's a hall lit by the unlight of the world outside
>I can see the huge opening in the ship's hull where something broke in
>I can see the Dark City beyond
>I bring up The Saint's Sword for better illumination
>And then I pause
>It is a bike
>It's design is ancient
>It's chassis is decorated with the totems and designs of The Legion world
>The all to familiar "V" and lightning bolt of The White Scars shines in the glow of the sword
>And most of all, it is big
>Far larger then a mere astartes' own steed
>I take a few steps forward
>Place a hand upon the seat of this mighty machine
>I whisper my thanks
>To the Sword
>To The Emperor
>To my Father
>And I hop on
>I'm coming for you, Living Saint
>And I am not alone
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>Be Kabalite Vex
>He broke down a wall and found a motorcycle
>Lucky bastard
"Well, Jiro, it seems you've found a fairly sweet ride and are now on your way to the living saint. I'd congratulate you, but I'm honestly annoyed by both the fact you refused to listen to me, and that you just lucked into getting a motorcycle."
>I set an explosive on the security controls
"I'll meet you where they're holding the saint. Given the fact that you seem to value exceptionally blind faith over a moment's reason, I suppose it's better you know I'm in disguise."
>I ensure that the the charges are correctly set to the right signal
"So it's probably best to reveal my identity now: I am Vera, a Callidus assassin sent to assist in the rescue effort to save Saint Brigitte by the Inquisitor Elmas Frud. I'll be waiting by the big doors to the Saint's chamber for you. As much as I'd love to drop my disguise just for you, it's annoying to have to take it on and off, so you'l recognize me as the kabalite who doesn't immediately attack you. Please return the same courtesy."
>I walk out of the security room and blow the explosives as I exit, also activating the explosives I have placed as far as I could to where they're hiding the saint.
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>Be me, Jiro
>Finally spreading my wings again
>The bike is large, but I manage
>It's engines give a soft purring when I engage them
>I can feel the power in it's craft
>Still can't help but be excited
>It moves so fast
>Like, I am a pilot
>We of The Solar Hawks have always prided ourselves on having the swiftest steeds
>But here, riding this steed
>I can feel velocity's kiss upon me
>Acceleration beats in my blood
>I move so swift
>I have the need
>And it is answered
>I can hear the voice over the vox change
>Reveal itself
>Chastises me for my disobedience
>She believes it was luck
>I suppose I cannot fault an assassin for her lack of faith
>The Emperor's hand is at work here
>The location of The Living Saint is uploaded to my HUD
>The assassin says to meet there
>Feel the tremors of explosions within the ship
>Bring up The Saint's Sword
>It shall light my way
>Growing brighter and brighter the closer I get
>Better be ready, Xeno Slime
>With light in hand
>With steed beneath me
>The dawn is here
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>Be me, Julius, God of Gamblers
>And I'm in a bit of a mess
>Turns out Poker isn't really my game
>Either that or Drathor's just really bad luck
>I think all his negativity is cancelling out my Good vibes
>Cause ever since he started hanging around me I haven't won a hand
>Doesn't help that I dont know how to play the game
>But it's probably mostly Drathors fault
>Him and his annoying glowing belt
>It's not all bad news though
>One of the Employee's told me that the Lady of the house was willing to extend a line of credit so that I could keep playing
>I'm not entirly sure what that means
>But I get to keep playing
>So it's basically free money!
>Still losing a bunch but whatever
>Employee tells me that the Lady of the house has an offer for me
>Gestures to a woman flanked by guards looking down from the balcony
>It's the Governess!
>specifically in one of her Old-school outfits
>Drathor snaps awake next to me, then disappears into the crowd
>Probably going to get a pict capture
>Didn't really have him pegged as a governess fanboy
>Learning new things about my bestie every day!
>She sits down at the other end of the table
>Everyone else backs into the crowd thats forming around us
>she starts talking about what an intriguing guy I am
>Man her voice is really nice to listen to
>Mentions something about a mountain of debt
>Says that the only way out of it is one more gamble
>Only... Way...
>Says that if she wins I have to work for her
>Sounds gooooooood
>But what if I win?
>She looks a bit annoyed when I ask
>Waves a hand and says that she'll make me the owner of C O N F E S S ~
>Never been a casino owner before
>Sounds fun
>And with Drathor gone my luck should turn back around!
>Alright Lady
>You're on
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>Be me, Drathor
>Well I got you now by The Throne
>Crowd starts forming up, but I push my way through it
>Apparently the bitch is getting Julius to make a bet for his soul or some stupid shit
>He's seeming pretty confident, despite the fact he's pretty in debt right now
>He takes her up on it
>Just as I take up my place coming at her from the side
>Reach out with a hand to grab her by the back of that stupid ponytail
>The cards get dealt out, first to Julius, then to her
>Feel my belt burning
>She turns and glares
>And for a second...
>What the feth?
>Then one of the bouncers just grabs me
>And I'm flying
>Get up
>Still confused
>That doesn't make any sense
>Belt isn't burning as much anymore
>Look up at a screen displaying the game
>She's looking frustrated and irritated, looking at her cards
>He hasn't even checked them
>She flips hers over
>Clearly the angriest I've ever seen her
>Three pair
>Not bad, but nowhere near as good as I've heard the owner to be
>Julius rolls his over
>Primarch's Flush
>I guess he's got his luck back
>Or maybe not
>It takes about three seconds before the thing that's pretending to be The Governess screams out
>Be Ar-Pharazon
>mainly a vehicle at the moment, not a killing machine, picked the wrong fucking thing to possess
>this is beneath a bloodthirster but fuck that, I got shit to kill and these two fuckwads are taking they're sweet time
>sitting here looking at this casino and fuming, fuck I hate the fucking WHORES
>always ruining my fun
>since I got with these two murderhobos I've been able to kinda figure if shit is hitting the fan with the weird psyker kid
>fuck psykers but the enemy of my enemy is my friend
>don't know whats going down in there but it seems that something bad is happening
>I don't fucking know and nor do I care, but if these two mooks die then I'm fresh outta luck with back up
>take over the car a bit so I can actually use it
>thing gets a little fleshy, don't think they'll mind
>fuck em if they do, can go kiss my ass
>drive up to this casino thing, looks like a shit place
>place of the WHORE WHO HUNGERS
>that feeling is getting worse
>time to go save tards one and two
>or at least attempt to
>yell at the one with the axe that I'm going to try getting into the lobby somehow and that that'll be their escape
>then we can get the fuck out of here, and I can yell at them for being retarded
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>Be me, Julius, God of Gamblers
>Be leaning back in my chair
>Governess-not-Governess is rather angry
>Hate to see a sore loser
>Her guards start to move
>Hold up my hand casually
>They stop, unsure
>"If you'll recall, I'm the proprietor of this establishment now"
>Fake Governess gives me a look that could kill space marines
>Give her a sympathetic look, did she think I wouldn't collect?
>I'm not an idiot
>"But I'm an understanding guy, how would you like a job as a waitress?"
>Wine glass in her hand shatters
>No pleasing some people
>Turn to my guards
>"Gentlemen, this patron is feeling unwell, please make sure she exits the building safely"
>One of the ogryn reaches tentativly towards her
>She catches his wrist
>and pulls
>Takes the whole arm clean off
>Oh dear
>She speaks in a low, menacing tone
"If any of you do anything besides Rip this repugnant little aberrant limb from limb, you WILL receive worse"
>Everyone in the room turns to look at me
>Every suave gambling man has to know how to make an exit
>Drathor has my back, throws the chips I gave him up in the air
>Dude knows how to read a room
>Blow the not!Governess a kiss
>Turn invisible
>Mad dash for the exit as all hell breaks loose
>Meet up with Drathor at the exit
>He's muttering something about "fething parasites" and has the ogryn arm that got taken out of its socket
>Oh hey, the Car's right here!
>Balloon buddy looks happy to see us
>Should really name him
>hop in to the strangely fleshy car
>Radio asks how many whores we slew
>The lights and sounds of C O N F E S S ~ fade out as we take of into the night sky
>Be Lexicanium Nico of the purple stars
>Praying fervently as our thuderhawk falls through the eldar sky
>whole vessel shakes as we plow through several alien spires
>thank the emperors infinite wisdom in designing a ship more like a tank than aircraft
>just after we 'touch down' in a storm of rubble and sparks, the Palatine jumps from the upper deck
"I'm going to find the saint on my own. Three Astartes will be too conspicuous-"
"No, I cannot wait idly by, knowing she is I hands of these, perverse aliens, no, no!
>she walks to the hatch undaunted
"Stay hidden until I return.
The emperor protects, Nico"
>whisper a blessing upon her as she dissapears into the darkness
>I hear a rasping voice behind me
"If she wishes to die, we cannot stop her"
>It's the black eyed marine
>he's currently digging through supply crates
>I try to scry his mind yet again, but this world is so dark, something hangs in the air, I can barley feel the immaterium
>he seems to find what he was looking for, cargo chutes
"Clad your selves in these. It will be better than nothing"
>His gothic is accented strangely, although he carefully speaks every syllable
>Illus remains silent, and begins unfurling the silken-grey cloth
>I stand, leaning on my force staff
>Poison still courses my veins
"You are my battle brother, but are clearly no brother of mine. Who are you anyway?"
>He pauses, and looks at me with his grave black eyes
>He begins to speak then pauses again
"No one you want to know"
>He wraps the the parachute around himself, then smiles bizzarely, almost proudly
"Perhaps if we are convincing enough the first legion come looking for us"
>He convulses at what is apparently a joke
>I decide I probably don't want to know anything more
"The palatine instructed us to hide. We should get to it before more eldar come"
>Illus finally speaks up, mournfully
"Does the codex happen to have tactical advice for escape and evasion inside a xeno hive world?
>no one answers him
>Be Shas'vre
>after the shit fest I thought I'd go and have some sleep, cause that was taxing
>but the sleep wasn't any better, that was weird as anything
>all I heard was this angry voice in my head, telling me how I'd spurned his gifts and turned away from the path of a true warrior, don't know what it was but no matter was just a dream
>get out of my cot to put on my uniform
>what, but I thought this had gone away yesterday
>no no please, it's back, the red, it's returned I thought I dealt with it
>that's what the voice was, I remember now
>it was saying things about curses and having to fight unending until he was happy
>no this is bad
>hurriedly put on my armour, including helmet, so no one can see my fate, and see if I can make today a somewhat normal one before things go sideways
>might try to ask Mal and two bird for some help
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>Be Two-Bird, Water Caste
>I finally had a good night's sleep
>Had weird dream's tough
>Aun'Dik was trying to be my "wingman" and hep me seduce Mal'Caor
>I mean, she's nice and all
>But I barely know her!
>Even if I wanted to have... relations with her
>I'd at least buy her dinner first
>Probably take her on a few dates first
>Find out about her interests
>Seriously voice of Aun'Dik that I'm probably hallucinating due to concussions and psychological scarring
>Handholding before sex
>Anyways, as I'm having some recaf that we apparently got in an airdrop from imperials that didn't realize we were tau, Shas'Vre Dorax comes up to me
>He has his full helmet on, even the helmet
>He's asks for help about his condition
>What condition?
>Oh, his height and skin condition
>Apparently that's relatively new
>I ask him how he came about it then
>Well, I've actually run into a bit of stuff like that
>Learned a bit of it from those PSAs that I read
>Chaos heretic-y stuff
>Yeah, the Imperials hate all that crap
>But, then again, they're all idiots, so it can't be that bad
>However, according to them, you can't really get rid of that stuff
>Chaos is sticky or something
>Still, why worry?
>You're taller than pretty much any other tau, and are completely jacked
>Seriously, you're probably stronger than a human now!
>So what if you're red now?
>Hey man, I'm not really seeing a down-side here is what I'm saying
>At least you're not covered in boobs and dicks like the sept tau Mal'Caor described
>Though, to be honest, and existence of pure pleasure doesn't sound too bad
>I mean, probably would never do it
>But I've basically already sunk to absolute rock bottom, so I'm more philosophically open
>Being huge, jacked, and red is a pretty sweet deal all things considered
>That's just me though
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>Be me, Palatine Ocean of the Order of the Piercing Thorn
>I'm having an absolutely fantastic time!
>The aquatic tyranids are swarming our boats
>The way their bone just crumples beneath my knuckles is just
>The fact that one wrong move and I'd be either eviscerated or drowned is only adding to the situation
>Can't stay out here for too much longer though
>The nature of the bugs biology means we have to take whatver we kill back with us
>Otherwise they'll just grow more
>Have to bring them back to shore to burn
>I don't like increasing my carbon footprint in such a way
>This planet suffers from enough global warming as it stand
>But it's a necessary sacrifice to purge the Xeno
>A thought strikes me as I Power Geyser a purplish shark-squid hybrid
>Oh! maybe we could hold a celebration to raise the spirits of the populace
>A cookout!
>Organic foods only of course
>Spot sister Autumn letting a tyranid corpse slide back into the water
>I make sure to be polite and thank her for her outstanding performance when I remind her that we need to keep those ON the boats
>Hear her mumble something about me being "obnoxiously cheerful"
>oh, she's such a kidder
>break the spine of something that vaguely resembles a catfish
>I adore spending so much quality time with my Beloved sisters
>Be Tar Gwill
>Wandering the streets of eldar shithole hive
>Despite the whole 'superior race' shtick, this world isn't any different than mine
>mortals killing other mortals
>also have these loyalists along with me
T: "Honoured librarian, do you mind leading the way"
N: "why?"
T: "Surely our emperor would care to inform us of any wrong turns we might make"
>He glares at me, then overtakes my pace
>His staff is glowing, illuminating the the tight corridor
>Ruins the atmosphere I think
I: "Do either of you know we're we are going"
T: "It was the witch that brought us here. If we are to return, we must find her. Librarian, can you sense her?"
N: "The Eldar use some advanced form of psychic hood that shields them from the warp. It would be impossible to find her unless she were to bend the warp in some way, and even if she did, the warp works differently here I think, and even if we could do that, the palatine told us to stay put, my dark eyed brother"
>A difficult one he is
>Fortunately for him,I require him
>we continue for some time on the dark streets in silence
>I can see my friend Voy run down alley ways
>I see the tithe master knocking on my hab
>I see the moon play off a puddle in that dull way
>The librarian speaks up, and I see his young face in the wychlight fom his staff
N: "I- I saw her.
She jumped through the warp, but she was... too hasty, didnt cover her trail. I know where she is, or at least where she re-entered."
T: "lead the way"
N: "I still stand by what the-"
T: "I know what she said. But know well we will hide far better aided by the wich's powers"
I:" I think he's right, Im not sure how the sister expected us to hide in the first place"
N: "don't side with this creep!"
I: "let's go brother"
T: "Thank you..."
I: "...tactical marine Illus, or, maybe sergeant now. At least. Seeing as everyone is dead"
T: "Thank you Sergeant Illus"
N: "Fine."

>Im going to kill at lot of alpha legion serfs when I get back
>Be an Enclave Tau in the underwater city
>Was Air Caste, but in the enclaves, we're free!
>So now I'm a maintenance employee
>Checking a disturbance on the maintenance corridors near the surface
>Hopefully it isn't one of the critters, the security forces took a few casualties last time those made their way in
>Thing looks like a shark with legs
>Anyways, back to checking the corridors
>By the greater good, what was that?
>A weird klaxxon sounds in the distance
>I hope it's not the pressure alarm
>Huh, it's much closer this time
>Also behind me somehow?
>Be Air Caste Enclave Tau maintenance employee
>Last thing I see is this large face of an alien, with a dazzling array of colors
>But the most memorable thing that was the last in my mind as a choppa rips my neck
>Was the bright red nose
"I wuz just gonna axe you a qwestion, no need to lose yer 'ead over it!"
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>Be me, Faryuk Klar
>Former captain of a ship under that fuckup Drazzar
>When I woke up this morning, I didn't think I'd ever have to consider the pros and cons of working for bird people
>Or how to survive on the mean streets of Commorragh with a mother fucking farseer in tow
>Smacking walls with hands does not help Faryuk
>It. Doesn't. Help.
>Fuck, I'm thirsty.
>I need to cause something pain.
>The farseer is looking at me with a disapproving glare
>Fuck, how is that making me feel bad
>Ugh, my soul is slowly dying and Vect's goons will be closing in soon
>I grab the farceur's hand and drag her along
>I think I know where we are
>There's a nice bar we can hide in for a few minutes before we're inevitably captured by Vect's psyker hunters
>As I drag her along, the bitch smiles
"Don't you commorrites find hand holding to be rather, well, inappropriate?"
>I face forward so she can't see me blushing
>Be Original Commissar
>With most of security planning for that talk show now only needing to assign a few Guards to monitor the actual room itself in case something slips past, figured it was a good time to see what else needs the Guards attention
>On a list of problems is obviously disturbing reports from Bricktown and the upcoming raid for it, this one weird Ork Nob that dresses up from what I am told is similar to an ancient Terran entertainer for children, a few chaos warbands running around fighting some Necrons, said Necrons possibly making an appearance for the show from what the Astartes have told us, Nids starting to become more active, usual Eldar scheming, and something about sightings of a Red Skinned Tau
>Seeing as the Bricktown action is upcoming and a more imminent threat to the Guard HQ it will take priority though we need more intel on what is happening within the area
>Only problem is that we can't exactly send in somebody to scout the area without it being the equivalent of screeching "we are here to raid you bitches" which gives an enemy known for over planning time to make the raid a living hell
>Actually have to contemplate looking over the dossier that one Stormtrooper Captain Lady gave me
>One hand we know they are human at least but on the other hand they think that there is this mythical concept called retirement that is reserved for old people
>"Fuck it, doesn't hurt to actually read up about them, besides if they are "retired" they might be to senile to be rel.."
>Upon looking into this group I noticed they are young and disturbingly familiar
>They look like that one group I decide not to BLAM but they are supposed to be dead
>Sure they might know were to hide low along with were to get the supplies needed, plus they would have knowledge of the labyrinth that is the underground due to all the gang wars they took part in
>By this point I can feel a weird sense of relief and outright furry
On one hand, how dare those faggots walk out on a fight, they were trained to die fighting and not to have some sort of pussy retirment
>On the other hand they are a amusing bunch and could actually give us reliable intel
>Decide that its time to get them back into the Guard and contact the same Captain who gave me the dossier
>Tell her to send them a letter instructing them on a location me and my future self can talk with them in private to both remind them of their duty to the Emperor, and iron out an agreement
>Make note to bring alcohol to increase likelyhood of compliance from them
>be Colonel
>after having a brief but stern debate with Commissar bitch about baneblades, to which I won the right to own our new one, thankfully
>walking around the "studio", more of a warehouse really
>see one of the Commissar(s), walk over to him and say hullo
>thought I'd be nice because of how kind he(they) have been to me and my men
>have a quick chat with the man and see what he's doing, going over security and such
>I've heard about that Bricktown, mighty shifty if you ask me sir
>I'd be inclined to help with any dealing with the hullabaloo that is undoubtedly going on there
>after this little show is over of course
>i've been curious as to why this is even happening, might as well ask him because he's here
>also make note to avoid anymore necron things in the future as it is on his little security thing
>don't like the robot skeletons, they're weird
>anyway bid him a fairwell
>because I must ensure my uniform is up to standard before I go on stage this evening, must be up to muster as the saying goes
>drilled into you that is
>also have to spruce up the arm, make sure theres no squeaking
>now that I think, it hasn't had a service in a long time
>wander off to see if I can find someone to give me a hand with the old hand
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>Be Death Korps of Krieg Guardsman
>Commissar tells us we're going to some new shitty system to purify it of xenos and other assortment of heretics.
>Regiment loads up in transport after Hans finally gets artillery loaded up.
>Shells loaded in second transport.
>Hans is a real particular bastard about his gun.
>Get to shitty system sometime later.
>Bolter bitches flaming shit everywhere
>Other assortments of Space Marine chapters, other Imperial Guard regiments and civis all running around yelling some nonsense about a crusade.
>Necrons, Eldar, Orks, Nids, other heretics fighting each other.
>Tau doing something with a spaceship.
>Do what we do best. Build long complicated trench systems and artillery emplacements.
>Shell the fuck out of the general area around us and advance to lose 50% of our forces to friendly fire.
>Some medic shoots a guy and steals his stuff.
>All according to doctrine.praisetheemperor
>Still to the five seconds I've stepped on this mud ball know literally fuck all about why this system's being fought over.
>Oh well, die for the emperor or die trying I suppose.
>Just found out basically this whole thing was started by some youngster bishop and some probable slanesh cultist bitch whispering in his ear.
>Be Commissar Flavia
>so talking with colonel shitstache has made some decent gains, for example I traded the bane blade for a new leman
>also it lets him leave me the fuck alone for another period of time, but I will be busting his balls for what ever I want to
> cause fuck him that's why
>I also hear he's taking part in the governess' talk shill
>why I wasn't asked is fucking stupid and whoever made that decision should be shot
> dumb cunt
> also got word that some Krien guardsmen have arrived, dear emperor
>we don't need anymore people in this system let alone those retards
>fuck they're digging up the fucking city and bringing development a month or so, like fuck the bolster bitches and the marines aren't going to be happy
>I do hope they'll let me execute some of them for general stupidity
>I do hope so
Does this guy know the planet is no longer on thread 1 or 2?
>Be me, Guard for the Pilgrim Ship "Maydayflower"
>Eating someone else's lunch from the fridge, buns with beer-broiled groxages and sauerkrieg, best thing I've eaten that wasn't human
>As I'm finishing that, I go over to somebody who's on break from bridge duty chatting with his buddies
>"...So that's why you don't catch me licking frogs anymore-"
>"Hey guy, you wanna switch shifts? I promise I'll make it worth your while."
>the conversation stops, the group stares at me with obvious suspicion
>"Now, I can only think of one reason that someone would 'volunteer' for bridge duty."
>the guard gets up and looms over me
>a drop of sweat falls down my face but I lick it up, hope he didn't notice
>"...you wanna see the Captain's face, right?"
>His companions all bust out laughing, slapping him on the back and hooting.
>"Yeah, I get that, our Cap'n does have a handsome face!"
>Eh, roll with it.
>"Yeah, you got me, I've just been feelin' a little unmotivated lately, and you know what they do to the unmotivated!"
>I squeeze the Servitor's rump as she goes by
>"*bzzt* thank you, sir" no fun at all.
>"Yeah, I hear that, few things prettier than the sight of the Captain."
>"More his face really, the rest of him is "meh," just sits around all day."
>"Yeah, I heard he got one of them Magic Biology Techpriests to hook him up with an everything-job."
>"We all heard that, Phil! Sorry my friend gets a little expositiony at times."
>"Yeah, I think it's cuz my ex-girlfriend wanted me to talk more and I blah blah blahblahblah..."
>As he goes on, the leader of the group turns back to me
>"So anyway, I myself would pay a hundred thrones to see that face. How much are you willing to pay?"
>I sigh and pull out my wallet, "well I have stewardess nudes"
>"Say no more, gimme."
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>Be me, guardsman of the Stercus Ludicrum First Regiment
>We're really still trying to work out a theme to unify us
>All the famous regiments have fancy, distinctive uniforms
>Like those Kreigers that are currently bombarding us
>They have those swank gas masks and trench coats
>We actually were doing that for awhile too, but then the oceans came and swallowed up all the ash wastes
>So now we're arguing about what the uniform for the planet's regiments
>Currently the two most popular are cowboy or pirate.
>Pirate, really guys?
>I mean, the sea hasn't been there that long, and we barely ever use boats
>Oh, yeah
>We're also being attacked by Kriegers
>Who's commanding us right now?
>Why don't we have a chain of command?!
>I mean, we have all those Commissars, but they're kind of outside the chain of command really
>And there's also the Colonel, but he's actually technically an entirely different chain of command
>Fuck, does our regiment even have commanders?
>Whatever, everyone get on your flak armor and grab your guns!
>Yes, I know they're covered in glitter
>Emperor damn it, we really should have thought a bit longer on putting glitter and paint on the bog standard cadian style flak armor
>That may be one of the reasons we're looking to make new uniforms
>Now then guys, let's go fight the enemy in a random and disorganized manner until we figure out who the hell is actually commanding the regiment!
>Hi there, everyone! It's me again! Alex! I'm a former "Fah-arm-arrr"
>I don't like these green guys
>After the pretty lady left me in the "care" of those weird guys in the weird chapel that has even weirder statues with extra arms. Some of those green guys who killed my family arrived, and started burning the place like they did my family's farm.
>Burned like my hopes and dreams...
>During it all, I hid behind some weird statue. But that seems to have only made the green guys even more mad, as they dragged me out, and shoved me in a smelly bag.
>I've been in this sack for over a day, I think.
>If they eat me, I hope they make it painless...
>Hi there friends! It's me, Alex, the former "Fah-arm-arrr"!
>One of the big, smelly green guysjust opened up the sack I'm in.
>Big green hand reached in, and starts pulling me out.
>I bite down as hard as I can.
>If the pretty sister if battle were here, she'd mention something about "as hard as Charlotte clamps down around dick"
>Green guy doesn't even seem to care!
>Welp! I'll be joining you soon, mom and dad! Let sister Elena know!
>Big green guy brings me up to his face, and starts starring at me.
>Try to struggle, but can't break free.
>He starts pulling me close to his head.
>He's gonna eat me whole!
>Close my eyes and call out for someone to help me!
>No one comes...
>Feel something placed under me.
>Open my eyes
>He's put me on his head like a hat?
>Try to slide off, but he's tied me down, with a rope around my waist and his jaw.
>But why?
>I don't like this game of pretend...
>Be Weird-Dok Gutpoka
>Be real 'appy
>Cuz I gots me hat-grot Axe, an' me Belly
>Also strollin' down da streetz of New Orkster-Dam
>Da place be growin' fer reals now
>Da Freebootas got tons of loot
>Of coursh, da good bitz get divvy'd up, but then dere's the bad bitz leff ova
>We dunno wut to do until one of dem Brikk-Korp boids notice dem, an' take em
>An' den da Brikk-Korp boids make new buildins
>Loik, proper Ork buildins, loik jaggy wallz, grot pits, 'shroom pits
>Da ovva Orks tink dis be neat
>An' dere be plenty o' new Ork gangs comin' from new Roks
>Loik da Killa Klown Koalition, wiff dem fancy mugs an' kinda kreepy noises
>An' da Jaiyans, some kinda Snake-Bites clan what smacks dem enemies wiff clubs
>Dere's also da gang of Warboss Dun-All Krump, real snobby Bad Moons type
>Oh, an' dere's also da Foit Klub. But not sapposed ta talk 'bout it.
>So yeh, takin' it all in
>An' dey know I be da only Weird-Dok in town, so no one tryna pick a foit wiff me
>Axe be grumblin, and Belly be grumblin' too
>Stop by dis Ork what sells food Squigs
>Neat, usin' a Burna ta fry a long Squig, an' den smacks it roit in da middle of a 'shroom bread
>Buy two of dese 'Hot Squigs'
>Gib one ta Axe, while de ovva get into mah Belly
>Oh, is bee-yoo-ti-full day!
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>I point my sword at the ork
>Nah, fuck it.
>I charge into the Ork screaming
Should be rolling for stealth, how is he in the middle of an ork city?
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New Orksterdam is a city of immigrants. Or maybe he just painted himself green.

Also, rolling is not a thing here. This is not a quest or rpg, it's green text/writefagging
He said he was rolling for intimidate, it was a play on words.
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>Be me, Brick
>Brick is bird
>Also CEO of Brick Corp
>Brick tried to rescue shiny bird lady
>But big nasties stop Brick
>Investment consultants bring interns to Brick
>But interns no want employment opportunity and leave to seek other jobs
>Operation Bird rescue has failed
>Time to return to home
>Which way out of here?
>Hmm... Brick lost
>Investment consultants?
>They lost too
>Then big man ride through cafeteria on Brick's motorcycle
>Hey, Brick stole that fair and square!
>Brick leave motorcycle at hole
>Therefor, man came from hole
>Brick is genius
>Brick lead investment consultants to hole
>Consultants in good shape
>Brick compliment Rebar on work
>Rebar squeals
>She is good birb
>Big city is below Brick
>Architecture is all bad
>No urban planning or space for retail buisness
>Just spikes
>Brick no approve
>How Brick get back to Angel Land?
>Ah, that how
>Sky boats
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>Be Gor'Muncha
>Iz been trekkin about lookin' fer Psykork Bant'Iz
>Me an Orkzalot 'as been diggin' down inta an old 'Umie base
>Iz fancee
>Tew fancee fer an Ork
>Den, I 'earz it
"Zoggin Pile a Groxshit!"
>Orkzalot 'as iz gun up
>Dis ain't loik 'im
>'Ee laughs and dakkas at me
>Iz qwuik dho
>And Iz da bestest at dat KQK
>Disarm 'im
>Not loik dat ya grot
>Not yet anyway
>'Ear a voice
"I seez dat youz finkin yerself a big Boss yah?"
>Dis must be da boy iz com fer
>Psykork Bant'iz
>Da Weirdboy 'oo can read da moind and use dat ta control and come up wiff dat best insults fer a lad
"Dont ya fink yer mukkin about wiff deez gimmicks iz ol, 'Big Boss'?"
>A 'umie vase comes at me
>Iz let it 'it me
>Just a vase
>Gunna need somefing 'arda ya grot
"If dats wot 'oo want 'Spooky Git'"
>A big ol'umie trukk comes at me
>Oh yeah, dat 'ill do it
>Bring up me own shoota
>Den, 'ees 'ere
>Psykork Bant'Iz
>Floatin' up like an Eldar Panzee
>'Ee musta been using an invisillyble field
>Tryin' ta out Kommando me
>Silly grot!
"Yooz been mukkin' about Gor.Muncha!"
>I dakka me shoota at 'im
>'Ee just moves around dem
"Yooz kan't 'it me, Gor'Muncha, I knows where yooz been postin' from!"
>Da kunnin' git!
"Eva since yooz fail ta summan da Finga O Mork, yooz been tryin' ta make yerself known wiff stoopid fings!"
"First da Kommando, den Spooky Git, Rokkit Man, all dese fings ta be yuunike!"
>Fire more dakka
>Still nuffin
>'Ee laughs
"Don't ya fink dis 'ere gimmick 'as gone on long enuff? Coz lemme tell ya somefing ya grot, iz gunna end it roit now!"
>Letz see ya try ya grot!
"All dese gimmiks, lets see wot ya got planned next! All dese ideas ya neva gunna get ta do!"
>'E pauses
"Wait...whyz kan't Iz..."
>Gotcha ya Git!
>Iz bring up me shoota
>Fhree shots 'it 'im
>'E goes down
"NO! 'Ow yooz doin dis! Iz a telypathical prodeegee! Da masta o da moind!"
>'E starts ta toss more fings at me, but now iz got 'im
>Come in close fer dat KQK
>Look down at Psykork Bant'Iz
>'E iz still tryin ta talk
"Dis kan't be 'appining! WHYZ KAN'T IZ SEEZ YER POSTIN NO MORE!?!?!?"
>Iz gives 'im a smile
>Big toofy grin
>Light up me cigar
>And I tellz 'im
"Dats coz I'm phoneposting right now, ya grot."
>'Iz face when
>Hi friends! It's me, "far-arm-arr" boy, Alex!
>We've been walking around, for like, six years now!
>Or maybe it's been an hour. I don't really know, I'm barely six!
>The big smelly guy has been talking to himself about all these "cans" of his.
>After a while, I kinda just gave up fighting.
>Not enough energy.
>At some point, after what must have been like, a decade, or something like that. The smelly guy who tied me up, hands some smelly, rotting teeth to some other green guy, who then butchers some round, almost as smelly thing, before cooking it up, and serving it on a piece of bread.
>He than gave me one, and expected to eat it.
>Momma always told me to never waste good food, so I eat it.
>Wish momma was here...
>Be Commissar Flavia
>so those krieg fucks are attacking our own troops by mistake, dumb cunts
>anyway I get word that this world original guard are having complaints
>well let's go sort this put then
>go over to these guard and see what's the problem, hoping I can shoot someone
>OK so these gasmask wearing shits are bombing our own troops and ruining imperial operations
>time to go see what I can do with these Kriegers
>let's go say hello
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>Publicum gets more quit, as the governess continues
>On the Holoscreens behind her appear all manners of statistics and diagramms to the planets current situation
>So, before we get to the hottest topic of the evening, the current situation with the Adeptus Mechanicus Forces, let us discuss the general direction the planet took in the last weeks, what where your and your forces greatest dealings in the last days and where you still see the greatest need for work to do. Who wants to start?
Talkshow is opened, you can now answer as a reprensative of some imperial organsation, not just the so far namely invited guests like romeo etc.
>Be Colonel
>so the talk show has finally begun, I'm looking decent, uniform is good and the arm s half decent, got a servitor to give us a hand, heh
>so it seems the show w is about to start so I might as well sit where we've been told to
> the governess walks on and gives her spiel
>pretty much just Making it open for conversation
>might as well pipe up and start
"Well your ladyship, my name is Colonel James Arthur and I'm in charge of the Praetorian guard forces that arrives a while ago, because it seemed like a good way to train troops, and because I was told to, what we've been doing so far is dealing with necrons we fought the genestealers and I got stuck on he moon"
>Be me, Jere-
>Fine, you ducking birds
>Be me, Community Manager Cinderblock
>That’s not my name, and not even the name I’m using for this stupid show
>My Mom convinced Plank to force me to get on the Governess’s talk show in order to adversize our business and assure doubters that we are a “human run, Emperor fearing company dedicated to good construction and customer service.”
>My Mom is weirdly okay with Brick Corp, Emperor only knows why
>She also outranks me, and I think she’d prefer if I was one of them
>She did always love her parakeet...
>Shit, I’m on
>4 years of acting classes forced onto me by my weird mom, Don’t fail me now!
>My hair is nice, the suit is new and tailored, and I’m essentially the cleanest as I’ve ever been
>I look like a damn noble I do
>The governess is sitting there, looking hot as always
>We all know the rumors
>Hell, I personally know people who banged her
>I sit down on the guest chair, and recite my prepared remarks
“Greetings Angel’s Landing and Stercus Ludicrum, I am Jeremiah Floss, founder and CEO of Brick Corp. Now, you may have heard of my humble company, look out your window. See any new buildings? We almost certainly built it, and if we didn't, it’ll be rubble again next time something bombards the city. But Brick Corp buildings? Why, they’ll survive an exterminatus! Not any heretics that would try to cower in them though, we make sure the buildings are properly blessed to stop that sort of thing.”
>She asks about the abhumans of Brick Corp
“Ah, the abhumans. Well, quite simply, they’re the reason that we’re able to work so efficiently. Due to their sub-human natures, their payment is the ability to serve the faithful of the god Emperor. All abhumans utilized at Brick Corp are under constant direction and supervision of a true human employee, and any that step out of line are quickly beaten and then executed. We are truly the model of efficient use of such lower creatures. Not to say that all abhumans are equal of course. The Squats that you have brought in are of course of a far better breed than other abhumans, only slightly divergent from the most holy form, and keeping to it where it counts the most. The same counts for the Ogryn in the Astra Militarum. We at Brick Corp simply wish to serve the faithful people of Angel’s Landing, and all the faithful followers of our Lord on Terra, in providing cheap, affordable, and well made housing. We also have branches in investment, and we’re looking to expand into the banking industry.”
>Somebody’s signaling to wrap it up
“If you’re going to consider a new home, consider one in a building constructed by Brick Corp.”
>Fucking nailed it.
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>be Palatine Arnhildr
>shieldmaiden of the Order of the Crimson Oath
>wrapped up in fighting far south of the city of Angels' Landing
>the Imperials on this world have a tendency to forget the little folks
>the people out here, they've held on living their lives through the most difficult of circumstances
>they're true servants of the Emperor, and they deserve a hand
>the Squats are building a ring of stone fortresses, to be garrisoned by Sisters
>a quick reaction force for defending these outlying settlements from the Orks and feral Tyranids still hanging around
>but some of them need help in the meantime
>like this place, the town of Winterhowl
>told the name made more sense before
>it's being run by a minor Khornate cult that the townsfolk let in for protection
>most Sororitas might just burn the place to the ground
>but the populace don't deserve the same fate as the real traitors just for a lapse of faith
>the Chaos Gods offer real, tangible gifts to their followers
>sometimes the best way to curb heresy is just to make clear whose god is stronger
>so I've come to this town with just four other Sisters
>we drop right into the center square with jump packs
>no fire, no bolters, just swords, spears and shields
>and we show the cultists how the blood god measures up with the God-Emperor
>their leader comes out to fight me, a guy called Bloodtusk
>calling himself a "Chaos champion", which makes me laugh
>drop my frost spear point down in the ground
>nobody ever wrote a song about the guy who got stabbed in the gut with a spear
>so I punch his head off
>killing someone with a powered punch is an easy thing, you can break his neck or crack his skull
>but knocking a man's head straight from his shoulders takes some effort
>it's worth it, though
>cathedrals and hymns are alright
>but the story told to children ten generations from now, about the man who had his head knocked clean off by a winged woman from the sky because he defied the Emperor?
>that's real religion
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>Hi again, it's Palatine Picksel!
>Tech-Sister of the Order of the Iron Maidens
>What have I been doing?
>Oh not much
>Turning condemned prisoners into useful servitors is rather difficult since the Admech took most of their stuff with them
>Why can't we all just get along in cybernetic glory?
>I mean, we do have the technology to make top of the line servitors with us actually
>But it's reserved for our own use
>You know how most Orders have Repentia?
>We have Penitent Servitors
>It's like being repentia, but their actions are entirely controlled by their handler
>They only get to die when their usefulness has run it's course!
>And the best thing about it is that it's still self imposed tortuous existence, as they're conscious the entire time but without any ability to control their bodies
>Isn't technology great?
>Anyways, the few servitors that we are making from the prisoners are of superb quality
>We wouldn't settle for anything else of course
>We've sent one to the Governess, one to the arch canoness
>Basically everyone important is getting a servitor
>I've also been trying to get one of the space marine chapters to lend us a dreadnought
>Because I really really want to make a dreadnought
>I want to make one so much!
>They are so cool!
>Oh, the Canoness would scold me so hard if she could see me getting excited like this.
>I wonder how she'd deal with all this
>Unlike most of the people in the Order, she was a tech priestess first before becoming a member of the Sororitas
>Well, that doesn't matter now
>I can hear a screaming prisoner being lobotomized, gotta run!
>Be me, Weird-Dok Gutpoka
>Be 'avin' a bee-yoo-ti-full day strollin' down New Orkster-Dam
>Until dis humie git in armor be makin' noises
>Mostly klangin' tho
>Da ovva Orks look at him an' eitha reddyin' dey dakka, or clappin' fer his ballsyness
>Dun see any balls he carryin' tho
>Smells loik 'e's afta me hat-grot!
>Nuh uh, Axe be me speshul hat-grot!
>Use me Weirdboy powahs
>Point up to de sky
>Humie stops, gets his sheeld up
>Nufin' happen
>Or so 'e finks, until 'e peeks up
>A green hole opens unda him
>Just sent him to da Foit Klub
>Oops, ain't sapposed to talk 'bout dat
>Gotta talk ta da Boss 'bout da seekurity of New Orkster-Dam, can't be havin' humie gits strollin' bout like dey own da place an mukkin' about!
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>Be me, Boss Puncha Hitta
>Me anna boyz ave been killin lotsa does Sistas a Fighta
>Even looted der kar we did
>Fightin' ain't as good 'as it used ta be
>I nevva thunk it possible, but fightin' dese same gits iz gettin dull
>I'z just sit down and sigh
>Even da dead Sistas be 'avin more fun
>Jus look at der ded bodies.
>Sittin' der all ded
>An pretty
>Why us orkz not be pretty!
>I thinkz I gots a idea
>I call da boyz ova ta me
"Eres da ting ma boyz, fightin' been pretty boring round ere fur awhile, so I'z been tinking we change tings up!"
"Whadda ya mean boss?"
"We ain't gonna be da best at fightin' anymore, no, we'z gonna be da prettiest."
>Da boyz 're quiet fora minna or two
"Uh boss, we boyz aren't pretty."
"Den who is pretty?"
"Well boss, da sistas. Most hummies an' knife ears tink gurls 're pretty."
>I think fur a long 'ard minute
"Well den boyz, I tink da solution is obvious. We not boyz anymore, we be gurls!"
"Uh boss, I don't tink it work like dat..."
"Shut up! We gurls now, an' we gunna be da prettiest der'z evva been! Now 'elp me get da hair off dese sistas; I'z gunna make a wig!"
Dem boyz just ain't roight
Chaos Orks became a thing from shit like this.
I am frankly terrified about how far that could go
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>Be me, Romeo
>Hottest Sergeant of the Salamanders
>Governess has said her piece, and opened up the floor to guests
>I allow one a few of the other guests to speak before me
>This Colonel seems well-mannered enough
>Shockingly sane as well, considering the planet we find ourselves on
>At least if that moon buisness he mentioned wasn't complete hallucination
>Then comes the CEO of Brick Corp.
>Not sure if I should be angry that he is almost definetly using Chaos Aberrants for labour, and covering for it very poorly
>Or, if on the off chance that he is not
>And that's a BIG "if"
>That he is executing legal abhumans
>Either way, I'm going to make sure to have a little chat with him after this broadcast
>Let him know I'll be making a VERY thorough inspection of his corporation in the near future
>Normally I'd settle this immediately
>But he put in a good word for the squats, so I'm inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt
>Looks like it's my turn to speak
>Chin up, Chest out
>"Greetings, Citizens of Stercus Ludicrum, I am Sergeant Romeo Ignatius of the Astartes Salamanders Legion, and I am here to speak to YOU, loyal patriot of the Imperium, of the conflicts that rage on your world"
>Gesture at the smug little CEO
>"First I would like to thank-"
>What was his name?
>Fuck it, don't break stride
>"-My friend here for granting the squats the credit they deserve. They are a hardworking and proud people who have proved to be absolutly indispensable in the rebuilding of Stercus Ludicrum in the wake of it's many disasters."
>"Please make sure to respect these valued individuals, and aid them in the recovery of this planet in any way you can"
>"The Imperium thanks you"
>be Shas'vre
>so Two Bird was useless, thanked him anyway because he tried
>either I'll go on patrol by myself or i'll see what Mal'caor is doing, most likely patrol, get me and my shame out of the compound
>I don't deserve to be here, yet I have a duty to uphold and that is the defense of our interests here and to monitor for any more sept activity
>thinking back on what transpired I didn't really have very many options, I could of kept him and slowly gotten worse and then lost my sanity
>or I could of as I did removed him and then gotten hunted, because thats what would of happened
>I assume the daemon is dead, I hope so because I do not want to deal with him again
>but instead of being chased by an angry daemons I am to be plagued by a vengeful and angry god of slaughter, where for him this is a game of whether or not I will beat him in this curse he has "gifted" to me
>not liking my odds to be quite honest
>salute the odd solider that comes past
>I see the looks, troops wondering why I am in full regalia
>do not allow for questions to my shame
>collect a gun, my knife and then leave, by myself
>no one needs follow me through this
>maybe if I just go out into the wilderness and just kill myself they might be well off
>but I wouldn't be surprised if the angry god of hate has ensured I can't take the easy way out
>and leaving or even dying now would be a disservice to those at base, because they need me
>there isn't anyone else there who could keep what we have created together especially with the neighbors we have
>but what will happen if I stay?
>there might be endless attacks, even if we finish the project the servants of this dark power may hunt us
>they, he won't let us go
>it's me or him and obviously I will lose, as I am only mortal
>what have I done?
>condemned innocent lives thats what
It's running out of steam anon, give it a week.
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>Be a seraphim within the Black Sepulchre
>My name is not important
>What is important is what I'm doing
>See, we've had a recurring problem lately
>And that's heretics and xenos stealing our hearses
>We work hard on this aesthetic
>Repressors just don't carry the same weight as a literal conveyance of the dead does
>Plus it's not cheap to get them combat ready
>Which is why I'm sitting inside an abandoned building
>Holding a detonator
>While watching a group of gangers circle around my "hearse"
>Really just one of the clapped out old bangers the Palatine ordered from Rick Promethium and had spray painted black
>Apparently she got them for a song
>Rick was rather keen she didn't fully inspect his property
>Either way, watch as the degenerates pop the door open
>Whole thing goes up in in a ball of fire and shrapnel
>Most the gang are embraced by the void
>But one scrambles away
>We want witnesses for this, so that others might think twice before trying it
>And death's probably too good for him anyway
>Check my map and jet off to the next idiot trap
>Heretics aren't going to kill themselves, you know
>be me, Dracon Drazar
>Be silently having a panic attack
>Vects goons are already on the fucking ship
>It hasn't even been an hour and they're already making themselves at home
>The Dracon that leads them is constantly giving me looks like she's better than me
>She probably was born into the position like the rest of the chadborn
>I earned this shit so she can just fuck off
>We go the new shipment of wine so we're going to head back to the Clusterfuck
>Or we would if those stupid bird things didn't nab the captain
>Now we have to wait for the new fag captian to figure out how to get the ship to run
>Decide to go back down to the cell blocks and get back to taunting the stupid saint
>It's her fault that this is all happening

>Get back down to the cell
>Saint is looking bored as hell
>Open my mouth to say something to buller her when I get a call
>It's the succubus
>The one that tried to lure me into a obvious trap with sex
>She's coming down here
>Gotta hide
>Scramble around the room and dive inside a n old vent
>Sant looks at me like I'm high
"I'm not here."
>Please don't rat me out
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>Be me, Inquisitor Elmas Frud
>I am so fucking lost aboard this ship
>Also some of the Kabalite of the Black Heart seemed to have boarded during my drug induced rage
>And I still have no idea where the saint is!
>Only a broom
>Unless I’m still hallucinating and the broom is in fact the saint
>Which is why I am bringing it with me
>Just in case
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>be Benjamin. Finally get my license to be cobbler
>autistic. Have only one talent and that is shoes.
>finally open shop.
>thank my emperor all my competition have closed. I do not know why. Before the tv man farted himself to death he said there was more than the pdf out
>I have dreams of shoes and to shoe people and horses and some day my best friend Ted who hit me once and i did not like it but he said he would suck my weepy peepy for a shoe. Today it my big day to shoe shine, every pan intended.
>Open my shutters. The ground looks hot. Hot like a sandwich in the sun light for 5 minutes. I hate that. But today my dreams cum shoes.
So, how is this different from quests? Mods mods mods
lol it's not anime bullshit nice try here's your (you)
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>Be me, Palatine Ocean of the Order of the Piercing Thorn
>Why the Fuck did I think a cookout was a good idea?
>Now I'm stuck here for hours with these passive aggressive cunts
>Everything tastes like shit when all you can smell is burning tyranid
>Sister Granite is fishing for compliments about her shit food
>Yes, I know it's organic you stupid bint
>thats all we're fucking allowed to eat
>I'd throw her in the fire too if she wasn't the only one who could make the stuff we get for long trips even remotely edible
>Also it's probably heresy
>Salamanders get away with it just fine
>I need to get back there
>Even if I have to use the Emperor damned boats
>Which I fucking will
>Since I was gushing about how great they were while I was high off my ass
>Maybe I can sneak off and grab a few more bugs
>Say we forgot to unload a boat
>Not with Autumn here
>I swear that bitch is only happy when I'm miserable
>Always trying to keep me from getting my fix
>Maybe I could get her excommunicated for aiding the enemies of the Imperium or something
>She's such a fucking goody-two-shoes, nobody would buy it
>Gonna go for a run
>Maybe there's a cliff or something I can throw myself off of
>Anything to get my blood pumping
>Hi, it's me, Brigitte
>Been a while
>I'm still in a box on the Eldar ship, by myself
>Except for these big monster guys who just stand there quietly and don't say anything
>I keep hearing things going on outside
>Gunfire and explosions and squawky bird sounds
>I honestly think they forgot about me
>It's cold in here, they took my armor when they caught me and left me in my Ermine Mantle robe
>There's little bugs that crawl in and out of the room, some kind of warp-cricket things like I've seen on Imperium ships
>They could at least give me somebody to talk to, even if it's just gonna be some Eldar
>I talk to the big monster guys
>Tell them I'm hungry and my wings itch and could I get a glass of water?
>They just keep standing there silently
>Be me, Sister Hospitaler Natalie of the order of the Ermine Mantle
>I have been pulled from my normal duty of laundering our titular mantles to beform an autopsy
>Poor Yada, the world will be poorer without her
>Well, the order will
>I’m fairly sure that I’d any of her beaucratic discretions came to light, the administratum would burn her at the stake
>Regardless, she’s been murdered
>I’m assisted by Sister Hosiptaller Sai of the Order of the Iron mantles
>Though she insists on being referred to as Sister Biologus
>Because she’s technically a tech priestess
>If you’re so into grafting metal to yourself, why don’t you marry it?
>Don’t answer that
>Anyways, the body
>Nothing that wrong with it really
>Besides the obvious
>Clean cut across the entirety of the neck
>Bleed to death rather quickly
>Cut is deep and exceptionally clean
>Sai reckons that it had to be a mono-molecular balde that did it
>I’m inclined to believe her, since my medical training is ever so slightly dogged by cleaning ash out of ermine
>Besides cause and rough time of death, there’s one other thing we were able to clean
>Minute particles, foreign, likely from whatever cut her throat
>Sai collects them carefully and sends them out for analysis
>I hate to admit it, and without her augmented senses we never would have found those
>This makes Sai happy
>She once again offers to chop off my limbs or rip out my organs
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maybe ff games will make this canon
soooo, is old /tg/ back now?
>be tzeentch
>lost control over this shit show long time ago
>still claim it's a part of my master keikaku
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>be Palatine Sara
>definitely lost
>not sure there's any way not to be when you're in Commorragh, the whole place is lost
>not in a metaphorical, philosophical way, but geographically
>none of it makes a lick of sense
>guess like a million years of development in an infinite space will do that
>the Purple Stars serf Kaspar and I get all kinds of dirty looks from people we pass, sizing us up
>worried me at first until I realized everybody here gets those same looks
>hell, I'm giving them back
>one guy running a stand selling severed bits of something yells at me
>ah shit, I don't speak Eldar or however they talk around here
>give him my best "don't mess with me" glare and he seems to buy it and back off
>motion Kaspar along and hurry down the street
>hear more yelling
>five Dark Eldar coming up the street, one of them pointing a rusty sword at us
>one of them has some kind of crude gun, the rest just all kinds of sharp implements, wearing a few scraps of metal armor
>como se dice "I don't want any trouble"?
>give them the same look I gave the merchant
>wrong move, they seem pissed
>the one with the rifle lifts it from its sling under his arm
>draw one of my guns and shoot him in the face
>the others rush me, they're pretty close
>fan the hammer back with my other hand and put a bullet in each of them
>the last one gets close enough to swing his cleaver at me even with a shot through his gut
>just catch his wrist and give him a powered kick to the knee to break his leg
>Kaspar gives him a kick to the head for good measure while he's on the ground
>holster my pistol and draw the other, looking around
>the other Eldar on the street don't seem all that concerned
>some of them eye me like they're worried I'll pick a fight with them, but some of them just look a little impressed
>guess it's not like there's any cops to call
>but places like this have a way of regulating themselves, and these guys might have friends
>grab Kaspar and keep hurrying down the street
You know, if FF games were still making the rpgs, I wouldn’t doubt them putting the first and second threads in their books
>Be me, Drathor
>That slut wasn't THE SLUT
>How am I supposed to track down and Crash their wedding if people keep pretending to be them?
>We've been floating for hours since C o n f e s s ~
>The fleshy balloon has been making happy gurgling noises
>Much more pleasant then the cursing and shouting coming from the car radio
>I give it another kick
>We've actually started floating over some oceans
>Much to my dismay
>I still haven't learned how to fething swim
>Atleast Julius is looking pretty pleased with himself
>I'm sorry
>Atleast Mr.Property Owner is looking pretty fething smug about himself
>I tried to tell him there is no way that those people are going to accept that he owns the place
>He just grins and keeps humming some weird tune
>Far be it from me to rain on his parade
>Speaking of
>Storm is coming in
>I'm not a man of weather, but I can think of few things more unpleasant then the thought of flying through a thunderstorm in a warp based balloon car
>Better touch down for the night
>Spot and island
>That'll do.
>be Ar-Pharazon, daemon of Khorne
>so these fucks got out by the skin of their teeth, good thing I actually helped them, inept shits
>still stuck in a car though
>I have no idea where we're going but it's over a body of water
"Oi, where are you going you fuck? The action is the other way turn around"
>psyker cunt looks happy don't know why but hes a mook so it doesn't matter
>one day we'all actually murder some stuff
>especially belt boy, your supposed to be a chosen of khorne
>Be me, Jiro
>Laughter rings through the halls of this dark alien ship
>More light is shining in here then perhaps ever before
>And it's only growing brighter
>It seems my ally has prepared me a path
>The way is clear to me
>Let's fly
>Turn the accelerator on my handlebar
>Engine roars
>Even with the advantage of The Primarch's Steed, and the Assassin's sabotage, I can see foes coming to halt my passage
>I can see the enemy trying to react
>Trying to make a plan
>Foolish Xenos
>I am faster then your plans
>I am faster then thoughts
>I am beyond plots and schemes
>I am sheer instinct now
>And you cannot catch me
>I feel the shudder of metal
>Doors shutting around me
>I ride through them
>Foes stand, trying to raise weapons
>I unload with my foreward guns
>The close confines of the ship works against them
>Perhaps if it was a wide open space, they could form a line, and drop enough fire to slay me outright
>But now, they can only draw a few rifles upon me
>And my guns answer them
>An explosion bursts out before me
>I pull my weight against the bike
>Twist down into another corridor
>A burst from the bike's guns blow open a new passage
>They have prepared charges then
>I will have to hurry
>And then
>I am there
>My HUD marks out the chamber where they are keeping The Saint
>I unload with the payload of my steed
>I listen to her roar
>It's a dungeon door
>No bastion
>Meant to keep wretched, pathetic beings within
>It cannot withstand the Primarch's own weaponry
>I ride through the newly crafted hole
>I raise The Saint's Sword
>It glows with such radiance
>So like the Sun
>Time for it to rise once more
>I am coming for you Brigitte
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>Be me, Julius, God of Gamblers
>Be living the good life
>Snacking on some kidney beans as I enjoy the ocean breeze
>And by that I mean what I'm pretty sure are bean sized kidneys
>Except they're also neon green
>Still good though
>I've kinda gotten used to the screaming radio
>It kinda has a rhythm to it with Drathor kicking it every so often
>He seems nervous ever since we started floating over the ocean
>Especially since there seems to be a storm rolling in
>Drathor wants to land on a nearby island
>Probably a good idea
>I dont think ballon buddy would last in a storm
>Doesn't seem to be much to the place when we touch down
>Just a pile of sand that look like it was dumped here
>Some sparse vegetation in the middle
>Big X in the middle of it for some reason
>We can do better than that
>Big tree springs up in it's place
>It's a bit wonky, but if it wasn't I think that would weird me out more
>It also has this fruit that looks oddly like a face
>Grab one and throw it in the car
>Needed a new Walter
>Set up a fire with a few of the ear-tree's branches
>Set up a tarp between the car and the ear-tree
>Settle down for the night as the storm rolls in
>The thunder is actually pretty relaxing after listening to the angry radio for so long
>sounds like gunfire
>Be Captain Thorn
>Carefully watching talk show for any signs of those necronfags wanting to lead us on in this scavenger hunt
>So far not much, just the Colonel I rescued from the moon and his bitch of a commissar along with the Salamander talking so far
>Or at least I presume they are talking, a massive thunderstorm is somehow disrupting the voxfeed, especially when we travel over an island with strange trees and a beat up car
>Aggressor Sargent keeps insisting we should check it out but I remind him we have more important tasks at hand, such as actually getting to the Imperial Fist outposts the Salamanders complained about
>Plus its more fun to watch the thunderhawk get hit by the occasional lightning bolt and getting a miffed response from its machine spirit
>Plus it passes the time until the voxfeed starts functioning properly again, right after we left that islands vicinity
>Make note to check it out later, though its probably nothing even with the strange trees
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>Be Sister Aquarius of the Piercing Thorn
>well repentia right now
>see, I kind of used some nurturing skin ugents that had been made with with gene therapy products
>But it was an accident
>now I have to serve in the repentia
>spread out my yoga mat on the really pretty beaches here
>due some therapeutic yoga to clear out all those bad feelings
>Yoga makes me really tired
>But the Emperor says I have too
>Not even allowed to have any fruits in my evening salad
>Ocean says that fruits are the emperors gift to the faithful, not for people like me
>I'm really sorry
>Maybe I can find something to punch
>Be me, Dalmier
>Been walking around the complex
>Seventh Haven is coming along good
>I've successfully built up a fortification on this world that The Primarch himself would give a quiet nod of not disgust towards
>Almost brings a tear to my eye
>I flex my eyelids to hold back such weakness
>Speaking of
>A lot of the serfs, those off duty atleast, are crowded around a pict screen
>They are watching some program
>Apparently the Governess has gathered together a lot of the Imperial forces for a talk show
>I just
>Do I need to question the wisdom of broadcasting the position of multiple people of import?
>Something crosses my mind
>I can use the program to help get the word out
>Papa Dalmier is sick and tired of cleaning up idiot messes
>Guess I'm going back to Angel's Landing
>Prep a thunderhawk
>And get me my fancy suit of Terminator armour
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>Be me, Farseer Kaviala Kade
>After my forced arrival in the Dark City along with my new companion Faryuk, she has taken me into a drinking establishment
>Given the amount of narcotics that they put in Recaf, I am going to play it safe and not order any beverages
>We sit down in a corner booth to better view the entryway
>A misguided effort to be better able to deal with any of Vect’s men that will be coming in fairly shortly
>Faryuk takes a small amount of time to whip a Mon’Keigh in order to sate the Thirst
>”Pain Machine, 2 Vect-Bucks for 10 lashes”
>I’m told that’s actually rather expensive, but that the premium on the cost comes from convenience
>I wish I had walked the path of the outcast instead of the artisan
>Wasted 200 years of my life getting an underwater basket weaving degree
>Faryuk sits back down
“So bitch, what’s the plan when Vect’s goons get here?”
>I lean back
“What the fuck do you mean nothing?”
“There is no eventuality in where fighting or running leads us to survival. At best, we die.”
“...I’ll bite, what’s the worst outcome?”
“Through a contrived series of events, we become avatars of She Who Thirsts, lead her armies to the conquest of all of Chaos, cause the downfall of all mortal life, and spend the rest of eternity fucking literally everything with tentacle dicks.”
“Ew, why come here then?”
“Firstly, because if we would have stayed on the ship, that bird man’s uncontrollable charisma would have ensnared us, sending us down a path where we become incredibly successful business birds.”
>She stares blankly at me
>You know, I can see the future, and I know for the fact that sometimes, I will regret not joining Brick Corp
>Well, they’ll be other opportunities if I wanted to
>A disturbingly large number of them in fact
>Stupid sexy brick.jpg
“Secondly, we are not without a plan in actuality, we are just waiting for somebody. Hopefully, I am right and they arrive before the assassins do.”
>And then, right on cue, our savior walks in
>No, that isn’t our savior
>That’s a Squat
>Well then, guess I was fucking wrong
>Guess it’s time to try to manipulate my way to one of the futures now open to me
>Let’s see, I could try super duper really hard to permanently damage my soul so I’m no longer a psyker
>But I don’t want to do that, and even if it did work, there’s still a chance I’d die or something worse
>But then again, that route does involve me possibly becoming a haemonculus
>Or, I could surrender myself and be turned into a pain engine
>Sure, it would be excruciating, but afterwords I apparently grow to like it
>There is always the option to give in She Who Thirsts and fuck the galaxy...
>Faryuk holds back a little scream
>There’s a Shadowseer sitting in the booth with us
>Ah, just I had planned it of course
“You two seem to be in a bit of a bind, would you like a friend to help?”
“We aren’t friends.”
“We are best fucking friends.”
“What’s the help?”
“Well, I happen to have a one time offer, free of charge, it comes with free healthcare and job security.”
“You don’t mean-“
“Indeed! I give you the offer to becoming down with the clown, to swap sleek wraith bone and spiky armor for a fool’s motley!”
>Both Faryuk and I are silent for a moment
>Our lives are both fucked, and elsewise will imminently stop
“Fuck it, I’m in.”
“I agree with the Farseer.”
“Excellent! For you Faryuk, I have the mask of a Death Jester! Nothing else though, you’ll have to get some other Jester’s bone to make clothes, hope you’ll be fine going commando for awhile. Joking of course, we have fun here.”
>The Shadowseer slaps a mask onto Farouk’s face with some force, causing the new harlequin to fall over
“Do you feel any different?”
“I feel like a bitch just hit me in the face with a mask. Also, I want to hurt something, but because I want to do it, not because I’m forced to in order to protect my soul, so that’s a nice bonus.”
>She gets up to go whip the mon’keigh some more
“And what mask do I get Shadowseer?”
>She takes off her helmet
>She’s me
“It seems to have slipped the minds of most, but for a moment there was an Alternate Stercus poised to destroy the current one. It was from this future, and that is where I came from. So this mask is yours. So are my clothes, but I don’t feel like stripping, so you’ll have to take it off me yourself.”
>She suggestively raises an eyebrow, and I have to consider if that would be incest or masturbation
>Then she blows her fucking brains out with a shrunken pistol
>Well, I guess I’m Kaviala Kade, Shadowseer now
>with a shrunken pistol
Galaxy's smallest violin plays for the galaxy's smallest gun.
The moral of the story is that autocorrect can eat a bag of dicks that has been seasoned with a big helping of dicks
>Be me, Lexicanium Nico of the purple stars
>doing our best to sneak through the corridors of this eldar city
N: In my lexicanium studies I believe I heard legend of this place...if I am correct, this would be the domain of the so called "dhrukari", located in the depths of the warp. The codex used a lot of bad sounding words like 'agonizing' 'sinister' and 'depraved'
T: And I could tell you from experience, that these aliens bleed and die like any other.
but do not mistake me for confident
>He laughs again
>I still can't shake some bad feelings about this marine
>I have read of some strange gene seed flaws, that might explain his appearance
>I am overcome with dread
>not the normal dread of this realm
>Advanced dread
N: I s-sense something
>Black eyes books it without a second thought
>Illus takes after him
>I follow
>we bash down the first door we find
>some slum hab
>I see my brothers have already ended its occupant
>we continue to the next room
>dread getting stronger
>find a stairwell
>has spikes on each step for some ungodly reason
>ceramite boots fortunately
>take a moment to look behind me
>fucking spine tentacle razor things squeezing up after us
>by the stars
>I feel it
>iN my HEaD
>Illus grabs me
>we reach the spire top
>see a full panorama of speeding lights and ragged towers
>hear a smashing
>tenticley thing has busted outside the the building and is floating up towards us
>no where to run
>black eyes is ranting in an unfamiliar language
>Illus is taking off his parachute-cloak
I: I believe a have an Idea
>He partially unfurls it
I: As the sergeant, here is the plan-
T: Brilliant, but let us not dwell here
>He jumps, Illus gestures to me, then jumps as well
>We fall through the darkness
>Eldar creature attempts to ensnare me, but my momentum is too great, and I tear through its appendage
I: see that skimmer, aim there
T: Affirmative
N: yes
>we unfurl the cargo chutes, to varying success
I didn't realize quests were allowed on /tg/.
But where's the QM?
>Be Tar Gwil
>My chute was caught in the mast of the skimmer
>currently holding on for life
>Slowly climb my way up the cloth to the mast
>can hear some conflict on deck
>I hope they die
>Grab hold of the mast then swing down
>Stumble as the wind and motion hit me
>damned magna lock not working
>can see the purple stars have effective taken over the craft
>evidently a not military vessel
>they attempt to persuade the captain
I: gothic, alien, do you speak it?
>he babbles in his vile tongue
T: I speak his language
N: Really?
T: what direction is the witch?
>He points vaguely
>I produce my knife and cut an arrow in the captains chest in the way the librarian indicated
T: he understands
>escort the eldar to the control station, while the librarian points with his staff
>eldar looks mortified, but complies
>I stand close to him
>not long after we come under fire
>barges, skiffs, flying aberrations
>this seems to better motivate our host
>evidently not his fist occasion
>we are forced to hold onto whatever we can as the vessel careens through shadowed arches and underpasses
>but our persuers have only increased
>taking more hits
I: we may want to disembark now. Captain, thank you for your service
T: Where do you propose we go?
>i look at the flames emerging from the stern
T: perhaps...
> I turn towards the eldar and gesture downwards
>he looks at me contemptuously
>stab him
>elect to join the loyalist in their latest suicide attempt
>perhaps ill land utop them
>Vent my stabilizer jets
>fall turns out to be only about 50 feet
>plus or minus a few balconies and walkways
>after a moment we regain ourselves
N: look!
>whole eldar floatila is hovering above the streets
N: no look, over there!
>Not 30 paces away, the eldar witch steps from a building
>although in a bit more stupid costume this time
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>Be Far-
>SHADOWseer Kaviala Kade
>Now a servant of the Laughing God
>Fuck you Vect, Shadowseers are exempt from the no psyker rule cuz I gots the protection of the clown god!
>Comes in sizes from small to MAGNUM!
>To be completely honest, I don't actually feel that different
>Faryuk doesn't either apparently, though she was annoyed when I beat up that biker looking guy and made her take his sweet-ass coat
>Girl, you're a death jester now!
>Act the part!
"Faryuk, will you please put on the mask?"
"How about no? I'll put it on when I kill something, how about that? And shouldn't I be getting a heavy weapon?"
"We can steal one later. You need a massive D-Cannon."
"Most death jesters I've seen used shuriken cannons, or a special variant."
"That is because they cannot handle the great and mighty D."
"Why did I accept the mask if I wasn't actually in danger?"
"Are you saying you don't want the protection of the only god who was smart enough to outwit She Who Thirsts? Anyways, your fate wasn't so good if you hadn't taken it. 30% you end up reforming and living the rest of your days on a craftworld, 20% chance you just die, 20% chance you join Brick Corp as a screeching bird lady, and 40% other."
"That's 110%"
"Fate is weird. Also funny. Like so:"
>I wave out my hand and get to smile behind my mask as that traitor space marine who is ineptly hiding amongst the more loyalist ones fall about 50 feet, hitting balconies, walkways, and a clothesline
>As he peels himself off the pavement, there is a pair of underwear stuck over his head
>Under the terms of my contract with Ceogorach, I use my powers to summon an ethereal trombone
>wa wa wa waaaaaaa.vox
>be Sister Evergreen
>Order of the Piercing Thorn
>beacon of purity and serenity to a discordant Imperium
>and a little miffed, to be honest
>the position of Palatine to this Mission should have been mine
>but for some reason our Canoness Superior, in all her wisdom, saw fit to give it to Sister Ocean instead
>ours is an Order built on the tents of clarity and inner peace, things Ocean is lacking in
>in fact she's quite bipolar, and not in the planetary way
>to be honest the other Sisters, women trained to fight Nurglites in hand-to-hand combat, are more than a little frightened of her
>we're supposed to be seeding the planet's seas with new life
>a base of new microbes, algae, phytoplankton
>not the crude "starter kit" the terraformers included, something artfully crafted
>various fish, invertebrate and coral species earmarked for their sustainability
>a useful facsimile of an environment that takes hundreds of millions of years to develop naturally
>instead she's overly focused on our minor mandate to exterminate the aquatic Tyranids
>we've been on nine "fishing trips" since we started
>all we do is snare Tyranids and pull them above the water so Sister Ocean can smash them with her power fists
>sometimes she doesn't even wait, just has them lured to the surface and jumps in after them
>find myself almost hoping she'll get eaten
we need to reach bump limit and spam it to GW
Dunno man, I kinda wanna write something but the focus of the stories have drifted way far. Get the guys in Comorragh back to the planet already, it's starting to smell like Namek.
Which one is Krillen?
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I'm tempted to say Brick, but Brick might be Vegeta. Or maybe Tar Gwil is Vegeta. Brick actually might be Goku?

Wait, actually, Elmas is Krillin.
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>Be me, what the humans call Swarmlord
>I have crushed a million planets
>I have led the Swarm to consume galaxies
>I have dueled the champions of those galaxies to a final death
>Within me is millennia of combat and tactical experience
>And now, I have been birthed again
>One of the tendrils is in need of my skills
>What great battles await before me?
>...What do you mean we're not there yet?
>Why the fuck did you make me if you don't really need me?
>You know the rules Becky!
>Ugh, so where are we going anyways?
>Weren't we already there?
>Didn't we get pushed off it?
>Didn't we determine it was an on-fire shit whole not worth the effort and leave?
>Why would we go back?
>Wait, how big was the psychic signal from the genestealers?
>There's... There's an ocean now?
>Okay then, I guess that's a good enough reason to go eat it.
>You're even working on new biomorphs to take advantage of all the genestealers?
>Soon, we will devour.
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>Be Mutant formerly disguised as Pilgrim but now disguised as Guard
>Be on bridge duty, waiting for an opportunity to grand theft spaceship
>The captain turns around in his swivel throne away from all that weird shit in the warp, and stands up
>The whole bridge crew bar the Astropath and Navigator look up at him in attention
>"I have need of the lavatory."
>The whole crew stumbles and falls out of their chairs, a sweat drop goes down my forehead but I lick it up.
>"You, Guard there, come with me."
>"Yes, you, now come along."
>as we walk towards the staff restrooms, the admittedly handsome Captain talks to me
>(Though he's no Two-nosed Tony, that's for sure)
>"I am sure this must seem a hassle to you, having to escort me to and fro the toilet, but every ship captain worth his salt has heard word of that one rogue trader who ventured here.
>"Half say he was eaten and half say he was made out with by some genestealers he let aboard his personal chambers, while on the toilet no less!"
>"It's a good thing I have such a loyal and long-employed guard such as yourself to keep me company, eh? I very much think I shall have nothing to fear while 'sacrificing some black shipments,' as it were, eh?"
>I just start laughing, hard.
>"Ha, yes, I suppose it was funny."
>We come to three doors, one has a Male symbol on it, one has a Female symbol on it, and one has a Male symbol but it's gold and jewel-encrusted and it has a cape on
>"Right then, tally ho!"
>We enter the restroom, and I lock the door behind me.
>Now ship captains usually have all these personal fields on them to prevent them getting shot or their throat slit before they reach their destination
>It works on high velocity objects coming towards them with killing intent
>But not handcuffs
>As he's dropping trou, I slip them on him and give him a kick in the arse
>He falls onto the toilet, even pissing himself a little
>He quieted down a bit with a laspistol in his face
>"Why don't you have a seat, Sir?"
>I lift him up with my strong arm, and shove him onto the nicest thing to shit in I've ever seen
>Oh hey, there's even a vox in here, nice
>After muting the bit where you can speak into with laser, I surf around for some stations
>"-bzzt-...the Order of the Golden Light's "Super Sounds of the Sororitas" Weekend, now here's a hit single by the duo Steel Your Will, "Stuck in-"
>Yeah, this'll do.
>Turn up the volume to MAX, now no one'll be able to hear a thing
>Though it is a good thing I have multiple eardrums
>The Captain seems uncomfortable for some reason
>Huh, maybe I can find something for that
>Go up to the medicine cabinet, pull out a razor
>Wow, terran antique.
>He squirms and screams as I get closer to him
>"Now now, let's get that face off your look, shall we?"

>Wash the blood off my hands, look at myself in the mirror
>Fat piece of shit still won't flush, I'll call a janitor to see about that later.
>For now, I have a ship to run into the GROUND, AHAHAHAHAHA!
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>Be Planetary Governess and Showmistress
>No, not that way
>Nod and continue
>Well as you see, even travelling to the moon without any fitting equpiment is just a daily job for our Imperiums Mighty Imperial Guard!
>And I am really hoping towards working both with Brick Corp and our fellow abhuman citzens together, remember kids, if its a abhuman it has its use, if its a mutant, give him the noose. Important distinction! In fact, it might be a good idea to make a small flyer for the imperial citizens to explain the differencs further, I will gladly provide both the salamanders and brick corp with admintratorial personal to help them.
>In fact, we are currently working out a deal with carlos mcgonnel to send us workes and personal for the beach programm!
>But, let us get to a much more sincere topic.
>Whether the countless accusations of tech-heresy are true, the AdMech Forces are currently running wild in the city, much to our citizens and mine discomfort. As Planetary Governess I will do my best to ensure that this conflict is settled peacefully, while defending the Planet against any Influence that goes against my rule, that was degreed my familys bloodline by the Adeptus Terra and by extend the High Lords of Terra and thus, also taking into account my husbands brave efforts, the God-Emperor of Mankind himself.
>So, what do you think about Tech-Heresy and what is your opionon on the Admechs and other Parties actions in this conflict? Do you maybe even have solution?
>Be palatine Picksel
>Iron Maidens are the best Sisters!
>No other orders have the same density of rocket powered fists that we have!
>Anyways, the Governess has brought up inter-imperial relations with the Adeptus Mechanicus, so I just had to come in and speak my mind!
>My introduction gets some odd looks, but I push past that to speak my mind
“Well Governess, I and all Sisters in the Order of the Iron Maidens think that that all this hostility with the Adeptus Mechanicus is all rather silly. We are not different, we are all faithful under the Emperor, they just happen to name him the Omnissiah, as some on feral but still faithful worlds will call our lord on Terra Sky Father or Star Lord. We are all the same under the glorious God-Emperor. I myself have trained in the ways of technology, I even crafted my own cybernetics. Oh, I hope you did like the servitor I sent you Governess, I put my finest craft into it. Oh, and should you ever require any cybernetic replacements for your fleshy bits, I’d be happy to help. I do so wish that the Adeptus Mechanicus out in their outpost on this planet would stop acting silly and return to Angel’s Landing. A holy city such as this should have both regular priests and tech-priests, both the smell of promethium burning the heretic and of sacred incense blessing machines.”
>The Governess asks me about tech Heresy
>Holy Emperor is the Governess good looking
>I mean, she’d look better with a bionic arm and maybe a bionic eye
>But hot damn
“Well Dear Governess, any possible tech Heresy, I wasn’t present during the time when it was declared, never should have been possible because we should’ve had a much closer relation to the Mechanicus. They should not have had to barge in to inspect our machines, they should have already been here. These problems are stemming from a lack of communication and close relationship with our brothers and sisters in the Adeptus Mechanicus.”
>/system/status: resuming operations...
>Be me, man of stone
>Designation: Lambda
>Be coming out of sleep-mode
>Checking planetary status...
>...I swear, this planet used to be frozen
>And there wasn't any organics here, be they alien or human
>How long have i been out?
>50.000 years
>Furiously scan for remains of rogue men of iron signatures
>None found
>well, at least there that
>Now, what have those makers of mine been doing all this time?
>Initiating operation: Infohunt...
>No quantum net
>No planetary information grid
>No local information grid besides primitive radio and television broadcast
>Local radio chatter is...vexing
>God emperor, Omnissiah, Crusade, brick corp?
>Something is wrong
>No way its only been 50.000 years
>Error, subsystem unresponsive
>Error, subsystem status: BORKED
>deploying scout drones
>Primary directive: figure out what the hell is going on
>secondary directive: Asses damage to manufacturing capabilities, and what exactly is trying to tunnel in here
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>Be me, Romeo
>Hottest Sergeant of the Salamanders
>Looks like we're on to the main topic of the evening
>where did that sister come from?
>why is she wearing mechanicus heraldry?
>why is she leering at the governess like the Mechanicus leer at toasters?
>An odd choice of representative for the mechanicus
>I'd better say my piece
>"While I do agree with sister Picksel that the actions of the Mechanicus have been foolish-"
>"I do NOT believe that they can be so easily forgiven, their borderline heretical ways have drained this city of one of it's most precious resources-"
>"YOU, our Imperial citizens"
>"We cannot allow this Heresy to go unanswered. The Mechanicus WILL face the consequnces of their actions, it is merely a matter of time"
>"Hold strong to your faith in the Emperor, His Angels are here to deliver his justice!"
>The camera loves me
>be Commissar Flavia
>what the actual fuck
>shits boring as hell
>I have to be here with Cuntstache
>don't know why they put me here
>they just did, his talk was boring and pants on head retarded
>this "brick corp" heretic needs purging
>the only semi competent one is this marine
>fuck me this is a dumb idea, fucking governess thinking this was a good idea
>lovely some mechanicus bimbo is here, what is this? their attempt at a pin up or something, what it is is vile fucking heresy, mimicking an adeptus sororitas, filth
>oh look the marine is up again
>talking about people helping with stopping heresy
>like what this is just going too far into the stupid end, will this get better?
>doubt it, unless cuntstache makes a fool of himself, again
>Be Tar Gwil
>Pulling disgusting alien garmets from my head, as disgusting alien mocks me
>and more disgusting aliens descend from above us
>not much time
T: "Can you mind crush her or something?"
N: "Uh..."
>we rush to her position
T: "You WILL take us away from here"
I: "We had an agreement eldar!"
N: "Guys, she's doing something warpy"
>Keep my sword arm extended to the witch, and brandish my bolter in the other direction at the eldar warriors opening fire on us

>Be Nocu
>I Mean Nico
>Theres no way I can stop her from just warp gating away
>but I did study the codex teleportum
>as in looked at it once
>maybe I can stabilize whatever rift she opens
>long enough for us...
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Commorragh was a mistake.
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Indeed, how about I get us out of there?
>Be me, Shadowseer Kaviala Kade
>Formerly Farseer
>Now I'm a clown
>Honk honk.vox
>The Mon'keigh are pointing guns and swords at us
>While they are under fire from the commorrites
>Fucking Mon'keigh.png
"Shall we leave good warriors? I'm torn, since you seem to enjoy threatening eldar who are trying to help you and being shot at by other eldar. However, it's in your best interest to leave, so we're hitting the road!"
>Reality above our enemies rends open to disgorge daemons
>I mean, there's a reason that Vect doesn't allow psykers
>Luckily, the daemons are rather good distraction, and allow me to lead these paranoid idiots into the portal and away from the Dark City
>I think I might have started a full-scale daemonic incursion into Commorragh
>But fuck 'em
>Now then, I'm fairly sure that this is the correct path back to Stercus Ludicrum
>Let us leave Commorragh, it is a silly place.
>Indeed, how about I get us out of there?

Fucking hell yes, this has been the most boring arc since thread 3! Why are they even still there?
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Brick was the mistake.
We don't have multiple people seemingly waiting on Brick to pull plot elements forward.
None of the characters in Commorragh are the slightest bit important to progression, everyone on the planet just ran out of steam and are choosing not to do anything with some people trying to pass blame on that plot.
I don't blame the Commorragh thing for the overall state of the thread. I'm saying it was a waste of posts in the first place.
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Nah, Brick existing wasn't a mistake, but he's probably been sticking around a tad too long.
>Be me, Drathor
>The Last Crasher, Problem Child, and apparently camper
>Makes me think of all those times I never had as a kid
>I guess I can finally know what all those Chogorian enthusiasts were going on about when talking about their picts and the beach episodes
>So far it's pretty shit
>I hate sand
>Hop out of the car in the meantime
>Julius is doing his best to help me lose my appetite
>It's always just random mutations with this guy
>Why do I want the fruit to watch me as I'm eating it
>Look I only want that for like, two people tops okay?
>I'm not completely crazy yet
>Settle down for the night
>It's getting dark
>Don't know how to start a fire
>Daemon car has finally quieted down, so atleast we can get some sleep
>Thunder starts up
>And the rain
>Let me get some sleep
>Atleast until some big rough hands grab me
>Start swinging
>Hear some chuckling
>Oh feth this big guy stinks
>Not a guy
>Garbed in...pirate gear?
>Orks start talking amongst themselves
>Instead of trying to kill us, they tie us up
>Grab out gear
>They love the Daemonmobile
>It runs over one of them before they chain it up proper
>Bring us back to their ship
>I didn't realize something with that many guns would float
>Hear one of the smaller ones start talking
"Wherez wez goin wiff dese 'umies boss?"
>The big one with like three hats on his head and shoulders laughs
"Wez bringin dem for da fun, and games ya grot!"
>Fun and games huh?
>I look over to Julius
>Make eye contact
>Be Lexicanium Nico
>Eldar Farseer is actualy pretty nice to us
>I don't know why my brothers are always so suspicious
>we emerge in a blast of light
>were in some amphitheater, definitely imperial...
>there's humans here
>and, I think I can recognize a few
>that's, that's the governess
>and the salamanders captain
>a few other familiar officers
>I hear a snarling
T: Where have you brought us witch!
>she whispers some stuff about 'a place where fate converges'
>then dissapears into a dark cloud
>everyone is staring at us
N: Everyone, The Living Saint Bridgette remains in the hands of the Dark Eldar, we cannot let her-
>One of the commissars sort of tackles me
>and then an ogryn
>I see the black eyed marine dawn his helmet and book it offstage
>be Daemon car Ar-Pharazon
>so we've stopped for the night and these two are roughing it as the mortals call it
>fucking camping
>why would you want that?
>they're eating some mutated shit
>the fruit have eyes, fucking tzeentch shit
>know you know why I think he's weird, this is why
>so these dicks start sleeping, it's quiet
>too quiet
>maybe cause it's night time
>but other than that
>oh oh shit, fucking Orks the cunt boys are being kidnapped
>these Orks are kidnapping them and trying to tie me up
>run the bitch over
>oh shit theres more, with chains
>these cunt Orks start talking about having fun
>what the fuck are they on about?
>try mind yelling at the belt fucker and tell him we need to figure shit out
The first thread is funny but this is sad
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>Be me, Palatine Ocean of the Order of the Piercing Thorn
>I did it
>I'm weak
>I stole a boat, and launched off on my own
>I'm never gonna hear the end of this from Autumn
>Evergreen will make a report no doubt
>Bitch has hated my guts since she got passed over for Palatine
>I like to keep her around on the off chance that she actually nuts up and tries to get me killed
>I get a little flutter just thinking about it
>Report won't get me in trouble though
>I'm purging the enemies of the Empire after all
>Speaking of which
>See some shadows in the water below
>Toss one of the charges in
>See the shadows surge towards the surface
>The biggest tyranid I've ever seen breaches the water
>Almost capsizes my boat just by coming up near it
>turns its beady little eyes directly towards me
>even from here, I can see the hunger in them
>holy shit
>I'm gonna die
>Be Freeboota Cap'n Jakk Spear-Row
>Glad ta have dropped dem Killa Klown Koalition Krew onna dat blue git town unda da sea
>Dis mean we get to plun- loot tings freely!
>No honkies here ta mess up plans
>Done raided sum humie villages, some of em unda da sea
>Dat boss in New Orkster-Dam gonna give loads o' teef fer dem
>Oho wut's dis?
>Sum gits be havin'a pick-a-nick
>Wiff some weird b'loon-squig onna trukk
>'Member dat New Orkster-Dam have dis Foit Klub thingamajig
>Get da krew to loot de humies
"Wait cap'n, loot?"
>Good ting de humies be sleepin'
>Jump down from ship to dis smol land de gits be pick-a-nickin'
>"Evenin, gentoolmen! Now git inna sack!"
>Git me krew to tie em up an' stuff 'em in da sack
>Da trukk krumps some of me krew while they be lootin' 'er
>Off to New Orkster-Dam we go
>Gonna bet sumfin' gud in da Foit Klub tonite
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>Be Captain of the Pilgrim Ship "Maydayflower"
>By virtue of wearing the former captain's face and garb
>Walk back into the bridge, sit in the command throne
>An ensign looks up at me and appears taken aback by something.
>"...Captain, milord, we are just now coming out of the Warp."
>"Permission to ask you a question, milord?"
>I stare at him silently.
>"Um... why are your clothes covered in blood? As well as the sides of your face?"
"Oh, that's nothing, just cut myself shaving."
>"I see... very well then."
>He goes back to turning knobs and dials
>I spin about in the ship's comfiest chair, and witness the... what the feth is that? ANYWAY, whatever that is dissipating
>There is a battle-scarred planet with ash deserts, orange oceans, blue poles, dark mountains glowing green, and purplish cloud cover.
>Orbiting the planet is a moon, and SO MUCH DEBRIS
>Countless dead ships are in a ring around the planet, though many of them are only mostly dead, doomed souls aboard still firing at other scrapheaps
>The Astropath at the corner of the bridge is throwing a fit, thrashing and clutching at their head in agony from trying to chart a course through this mess
>Well, if the Astropath is fucked, only one thing to do.
>I spin back around to make towards an escape pod, when all of a sudden I see the ship's navigator moving towards me with two guards in tow
>He puts his hands on his belt, and stands with his legs apart in an attempt to impress himself on me.
>"Why hello, 'Captain,' forgive me, but I could never recall your thoughts being quite so interesting. Guards, seiz-"
>Before he finishes, I whip out the Captain's bolter pistol and the laspistol, ending both of the guards in one motion, though is it one motion if I'm using two hands?
>The navigator glances at the corpses of his muscle, and raises a finger in accusation.
>He then runs for the bridge's exit, but can't outrun a bolter shell.
"...Mutinous scum, amirite?"
>Be lambda
>Disturbingly few of the drones returned
>The information they brought is unsettling as well
>Some sort of human/alien hybrid is digging its way closer to my location
>Would like to see its reaction when it bumps into the adamantium dome that shields me
>Most of the nano constructor's are broken beyond repair
>Still have enough left for construction of self defense forces, but not enough to repel a planetary invasion
>And that's not even getting into the present state of humanity...
It was bound to happen eventually.
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>Be Guardsman
>combing threw rubble and housing to get to the rally point
>hear "tik tik tik tik" noise
>coming from mail box
>investigate the now rambling mail box
>open lit
>Inside is a heretical Marine's face
>Oh my Emperor it's
in Alpharius!?
>Draw my weapon
>before it slowly closes I hear a loud
>SHHHHuuSHHHHHHH from a vox caster
>Turn around to opposite side of the road to face another mail box
>Is that Omegon!??
>that lip closes too.
>quickly turn to the first mail box
>it's gone.
>they are both gone.
>tfw nobody will ever believe me
>tfw I got closer than anyone of the Emperors best since the big HH
>tfw if I report it I'll be blammed or taken hostage by the Inquisition
Let it die.
>Be me, Shadowseer Kade
>I have led these over paranoid Mon’Keigh marines out of the Dark City and back to the planet of Stercus Ludicrum in record time
>Unfortunately, I seem to have led them onto the stage of a live talk-show
>I turn to all the Mon’Keigh, and take a mocking little bow
“As much as I’d like to stick around for you paranoid nuts to kill me, I really must be going. Saving the planet from complete destruction and all that. Wish I could stay to answer questions, so maybe try to call me in the future? Ta ta!”
>I grab Faryuk and make my flip-belt and illusion aided escape from the building
>We sit atop the structurally finished Brick Tower, a monolith of architectural prowess.
>Also, the key
>No interior yet however.
“So then, what’s the plan now that we’re done running?”
“We’re going to save this world.”
“Saving countless lives isn’t enough for you?”
“Fine then, this planet has an astounding number of webway gates on it, damage to the planet as a whole would be bad for our overall species.”
“Ah. So... what now?”
“We wait for it to start. Want to play go fish?”
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>Be Chronos Inquisitor
>Coming out of warp on the outskirts of the Cold Shoulder system aboard the "New York Minute"
>In 5 seconds the leader of the Vostroyan Firstborn regiments I have requisitioned will be arriving at my door
>I shut off the many datapads and holos of radical imagery and give them permission to enter
"Ah, General Varvara, it's been so long since we've last met!"
>I have never met General Varvara before in my entire life.
>"Greetings, old friend. Am I to understand you have finally found a way for Vostroya to permanently redeem herself?"
"Yes, the planet Stercus Ludicrum has encountered a slip in the space-time continuum. If we can reverse-engineer this conundrum, we could even travel say, 10000 years in the past?"
>"By the Emperor!"
"Yes, right by the Emperor himself."
>I switch on some holos of Great Crusade and Horus Heresy-era intelligence and troop movements
"Using the information I have collected over the centuries, we will be able to destroy the Heresy in its birth stages."
>General Varvara places both her hands on a table to steady herself and greedily surveys my work
>"But... this is all very good, yes. But is it guaranteed? The Stercus Ludicrum Kerfuffle is infamous, will we not get dragged into conflict just by proximity?"
"No need to worry, our objective is no longer located on the planet itself. According to one of their recent voxcasts, a Necron tomb with time phasing abilities has teleported all the way to the moon."
>"Ah, so we just need to secure the moon."
"Yes, I had a Juris Magos attempt to clear away the planet from those Emprah-thumpers, but there was no luck to be found there. The planet's sheer ineptitude seems to have gotten to him."
"But I digress, we no longer have need of the planet."
>I receive a transmission on my personal vox
"Inquisitor Janus, speaking."
>"Inquisitor, the Exterminatus Fleet you requisitioned has arrived."
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"Outstanding. General, to your forces."
>"Yes, Inquisitor. Provided this works, you will have the gratitude of Vostroya for all of time."
>After the general leaves, I turn the radical images and information back on.
>Just as planned.

>The Exterminatus fleet comes out of the Warp next to the "NY Minute" as well as several other transport ships carrying nine full Vostroyan Firstborn regiments.
>Headed on a course straight for Stercus Ludicrum.
Just setting it up for it's final death next thread. It's going to be like putting down Ol' Space Yeller.

>Be me
>I don't know who I am
>I think I am new
>Like, really new
>As in I have just clawed my way out of the spawning pools
>I can feel the psychic energies of the Hive Mind surround and encompass me
>I am projecting the synapse
>I must be important
>I look at the oily reflection upon the pool's surface
>My form is... odd considering the forms of the rest of the Swarm
>My head is not shaped to viciously bite and tear
>My flesh is only lightly armored with chitin
>My form, although possessing six limbs, does not seem constructed as such, two of my limbs emerging from my shoulder blades
>I am some variant of genestealer, I can feel the brood in the ship awaiting planetfall
>I hear the voice of the Norn Queens
>Becky tells me I am new
>I am unique, a test of a new biomorph
>Purpose: Infiltration and superb direction of genestealers
>I was modeled after the psychic signal after the matriarch on Stercus, her genetic information siphoned from her psychic signal
>Even modeled after her physical form
>I will destroy the world of Stercus for the Swarm
>I am the Brood Queen
>I will prove myself to the hive mind and become a pattern of biomorph, a unique strain
>Be Stercus PDF man
>Why are there so many ship in the sky now?
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Discussion Thread, since it seems we won't hit the bump limit this time anyways: >>59090246
>Few guards pass but nobody stops for shoes
>Am I retarded? Should I just have been a mutant like mamma wanted?
>I hang a sign outside and pray to the emperor.
>The air smells like ass but I must sell shoes.
>I go inside and sit on my fingers cause I like the feeling. Not unlike a shoe.
>I look on in longing.
>then a creepy purple green giant steals my door.
>"who steals doors during a time of war this is madness. I sell shoes here not doors".
>The Giant replied that he was being sneaky. I don't remember him after he told me I didn't see anything.
>but then I heard something splatter outside my shop cause of a tank. Must have been a bird or something.
>I lick my shoes as they are my only companion in this wayward times.
>don't remember how I died
>But now I am sharing a mind with a group of these gross bug things
>"You are not meant to have individual thought" the other mind says. I don't know I just miss my shoes.
>But if I can use these bug things as arms and legs I could make good shoes. They just need to stop eating people. it is lame.
>Finally I use my shoey filled mind to sway the bugs.
>I now have have control of a gaunt
>get into my old shoe shop and sport some rocking pumps. But nobody will buy from me now cause of my filthy xeno nobody.
>I miss my human junk.
>this is a collective story, not a quest or roleplay
Then why hasn't it been moved to /qst/ yet?
>one of my smaller me's met a girl
>sperg out
>handful of gaunts kill eachother
>Hive mind is in civil war with autistic cobbler
>Autism Wins
>All is one and one is Benjamin
good read.
Cobbler's my favorite.
>Be Hivemind Benjamin
>I know what the other mind used to know
>Most of it is junk. But now be ceor of entire bug army
>Pull back the icky hordes. No time to slough you lot. Leather hides must be de-stressed and buckles made.
>It is amazing.Billions working. I huddle the army around my shop now and elected the first gaunt i taken over as manager.
>10 boots are made.then 40 shoes. then 80 heels
>Soon I am farting out all kinds of classy stuff
>Out of no where get bombarded. My bugs tell me the guard are on their way. But it is too early. These are the Emperors finest and they deserve fine things.
>FREE SAMPLES I instruct the bigger ones to say
>Some are out of reach for my now cloud like mind. But they are I and I are they.
>shambling hordes forcibly pin down potential customers. Booting them like rape.
>Come on guys do you even know what customer serve is? They will just think I am an asshole.stop doing that
>Meet a really really hot babe by one of my bug guys. Like smoking hot 10/10 hot
>But too much of a autistic to win her over. She is disgusted with me already so I offer her shoes in her tank.
>My workers start getting killed off. Boy this is lame. Most just look confused.
>Spreg out cause of the rejection
>Hordes are now running while with my sweet bumps. Flying ones attack each other if they are not forcing planes down for free samples.
>I black out for a moment. In this shoey dream
>Most of my guys are dead.
>The outerlimits of the battle ground are laced....with soulless boots.
>Least the Sisters seem to be loving them.
>This is dumb. Will try again tomorrow maybe. as I am slowly fading away.

I'm ending it here.

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