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/tg/ - Traditional Games

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Ongoing green text saga detailing the conflict between an unreasonable number of factions to dominate a planet in Warhammer 40k.

Previous Greentext Threads:
Thread 1: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/58335731/
Thread 2: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/58415703/
Thread 3: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/58537811/

Two Quick Rules:
1. No time travel bullshit.
2. No non-canon/crossovers.
3. Save discussion for the discussion thread. Stick to green texting.
>Be Scar, the gene stealer patriarch
>Feel masses of your children begin to die
>Feel the big one, Tiny, fall
>Be facing off against heavily armored space marine
>My kids need me.hero
>Slink away into the darkness.
>Things are going bad
>We expanded too quickly
>The imperials discovered us
>We have been unable to overwhelm them
>Flamers fucking everywhere
>We got close, but the push failed
>Contact Cecilia
>Tell her to retreat with the best of the brood underground
>She protests
>Tell her she needs to survive if I do not return
>She tearfully agrees
>I race through tunnels
>My children, all that are not retreating, fall in behind me
>Burst out onto the surface
>Charge the Imperials
>Take control of the planet!
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>Be me, The Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>Feeling a little naked without my Flamer to be honest
>Watch as the Emperor's champions, guided by his hand, all work in unison towards the same goal. Even through the fog of war, everyone in this city knew what the most important thing was.
>Saving my girl.
>It's inspiring to see the impact I have had on this planet. Marines fighting instead of stealing, guardsmen dying instead of fleeing, and a pilot from the Sisters whose flying suggests she may actually be sober.
>Though the Governess may have been able to save herself. Even as marines, air support, and the fleet of servitors all converge on the monster I can see that she's already got the situation largely in hand.
>She handles the massive creature like a pro. You'd honestly think that for her taking on giant tentacled monsters was old hat.
>The pure mind truly knows no fear.
>As the amazing servitors the Seneschal had tucked away continue to rain down hell on the xenos, I order my people to begin burning a path towards my bride.
>Ask the Seneschal why he never broke these servitors out before. The Admech surely can't get mad about us using their tech to save the city.
>He starts blathering on some sort of excuse. I assume it's because he was hoping to profit off of them. Thankfully, I was able to show him the light once more.
>I hack away with my Evicerator at any stragglers as my followers fill the streets with the cleansing fires of the Emperor.
>I share something truly valuable with my followers as we fight, preaching a fresh sermon about my hatred for the Tyranids.
>It is a shame that these Emperor inspired words won't be heard planet wide, but these holy warriors have earned the privilege of hearing them.
>Be Sister Cecilia
>Formerly of the Order of the Black Sepulchre
>Now Sister of the Family
>Be ordered by Daddy to retreat and survive
>Such a love father.familial love
>I lead my best brothers and sisters to dark places
>Daddy fights against those who will not accept the family with the rest
>Feel it
>Daddy is dead
>Connection to the brood is severed
>No longer by psychically influenced by the patriarch
>Be once again Sister Cecilia of the Order of the Black Sepulchre
>No, fuck that
>The Order sucks
>The Family is full of warmth and togetherness
>Make the conscious choice to connect back to the brood psychic network
>fuck you imperials.genestealers4life
>Know where daddy died
>Know that brothers and sisters alongside him are in manic rage, ripping through Imperial lines
>Feel pride in them, but know they will die
>Leave my fleeing siblings behind, join the battle
>Cut through imperial troops flanking my siblings alone
>Find daddy’s body
>Why did you have to leave us?>You were too good for the world
>The battle is turning
>My siblings are dying
>Time to flee
>Time to return to the shadows and the hidden places
>Scamper away
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>Be me, Juris Magos Anthony Cosanostro
>And this place is a bigger shitshow then I coulda imagined.
>We ended up comin just in time for some sorta Genestealer uprising.
>They're reproducin way faster than I had ever heard was possible.
>But, since I was actually born with a pair of balls instead of having to grow'm in a vat, I didn't become a Magos Biologis and so I don't really give a fuck.
>Though, speakin a' balls, it's a shame what they did to Petrarchus. You'd think the collection of outdated servitor parts that guy called genitals wouldn't have interested a genestealer.
>The man will be missed though. He was a good guy and a good earner. The loss of his portion of the servitor fleet has really fucked up our information gathering.
>There are guys using Tau weaponry and drones across the planet, but I can't pin point the source. On top of that just about every faction on this planet seems to be engaged in some sort of tech heresy.
>What's worse, these fuckin Ecclesiarchy assholes are too big here to just stomp into submission. So we can't just go to war, especially after losing Paularchus' servitors.
>But, I'm boss for a reason. We spotted some mooks engaged in some open tech heresy who don't seem to be under anyone's protection. Deserter guardsmen previously affiliated with the Blood Ravens.
>I'm gonna have to pay them a visit, have a little talk with them about proper reverence for the Omnissiah. Then I'll make'm an offer they can't refuse.
>be me, sybarite Drazar
>the craftworlder before me laughs at my offer
>think about killing him, probaby could quite easily
>then some gods forsaken beast rises from the snow
>and then a fucking wraithlord just appears out of nowhere
>as I make peace with my death, I feel the craftworlder before me enter my mind
>it is jarring to be sure
>never had this happen before
>says something about living on a craftworld
>a ticket out of commorragh
>starts to sound like a good idea
>wait no
>he's a psyker so any thought is most likely implanted
>do my best to shut him out
>stagger back and into the leg of the wraithlord
"You make a... convincing argument. But for now I have to decline"
>I throw the satchel of soul stones to his feet
>but I keep one tucked into a compartment in the armor that use to be filled with porn
"I think I will hold onto one for now, insurance you see. Just so you don't get any ideas."
>right myself and dust off the snow accumulating on my shoulders
>remove helmet and give him a fake smile
"The one I have seemed to belong to an important person. A... seer? I think you call them? Or a warlock, one of the two."
>look up into the mask of the dead come alive
>this is going to be interesting
>maybe I won't die, but I wouldn't bet on it.
>Be me, The Best Seneschal in the Ecclesiarchy
>And this little prick has screwed me once again.
>The "Servitors" currently flying over the battle aren't exactly servitors in the traditional sense.
>They're the ARGUABLY heretical Tau drones I've been selling to, you know, help fill the Ecclesiarchal coffers or whatever.
>And of course I'd have never have whipped them out in public, but when a pint sized warlord is two seconds away from strangling you because his wife is wrapped in tentacles, you play the cards you have.
>Now, even if the Tyranids don't kill me I'm going to have a lot of questions to answer.
>I'm pretty sure I can convince Deacon Dipshit that everything was on the up and up as long as I can get them out of the field quick enough, but someone smarter is going to notice something.
>If the Admech comes knocking, I'm not ending up as a servitor.
>Now I'm from one of the toughest hives around. I'm no rat, so it's not like I'm going to turn informant on my contacts in some desperate attempt to save my life.
>But, I'm a survivor. So I'm not above shifting the blame to someone else and serving them up to the AdMech.
>That's not the same as snitching. You probably wouldn't get it.
>The only question is, who amongst the horde of fanatical morons that make up my current roster of colleagues could believably be responsible for this.
>Maybe they'll just string up The Bishop without actually talking to him.
>I mean, until you've actually communicated with him, you'd probably assume that someone whose managed to gain this much power this quickly can't be a total moron.
Where's the discussion thread?
We do a discussion thread AFTER each green text thread. However if you really need to ask something, the last discussion thread hasn't died yet >>58582144

And there is also the discord https://discord.gg/v4ucJA
>Be me, El'Vish, Spiritseer of Saim-Hann
>The Commorrag....ite?
>The Dark Kin, whatever
>He's playing a little nicer now
>Good, just like the civilized folks we are.
>Throws down the satchel
>Prys'Ellia scoops them up reverently
>He's still talking, saying he's going to hang onto one
>Looking very smug with himself, claiming to keep one belonging to someone important
"I might be more worried, if we both didn't know you can't you use the mental abilities to commune with the stone."
>Kind of bummed he's refusing my offer
>It was very generous
>Saim-Hann is a very lovely place
>Not nearly as uptight as Biel-Tan, nor as fatalistic as Ulthwe
>And he chooses to remain in his domain
>I shrug
"I'll claim it eventually, my kin. But if it makes you feel better, you can keep it. Try to ensure she remains safe."
>The Mon'Keigh supposedly have their own dark kin
>Of course, being Mon'Keigh, theirs are Chaos-Worshipping lackeys of Dark Gods
>A more enlightened species, we Eldar can still talk with and respect those who keep to the older, more debased ways.
>Toss him a small device
>A means of communication
"If you wish for aid, or to relinquish the stone, please, let me know."
>Send a small pulse to my Hyun Dog
>Time to go
>Pick up Prys'Ellia
>Start lumbering off, further south
>More stones to find, gotta get going
>A little less conversation
>A little more action
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>Be me, Gor'Muncha
>Be a Rokkit Man
>An I fink iz gunna be a long long toim
>'Till touch down brings me roun'again ta foind
>Iz not da ork I fi-
>Oh zog neva mind, wez 'ere
>We'z been in space fer sum toim now
>Not one or two or phree or foive min'utes
>But, zog it, lotsa dem
>Been bored
>Krumped a few grots fer fun
>Look out da window
>Seez da roks
>Iz 'eard from da boyz, dat da new boss iz 'ere
>Not too far from da planet, maybe loik
>Iunno, lotsa roides awa?
>Iz not gud wiff does fings
>Iz kommando
>Da ship lands
>An by lands, Iz means it crashes, inta da new base
>Lotsa roks 'ere
>Boyz an Meks 'ave been makin dem inta base fer da boyz
>Otha roks iz being made ready fer flyin'
>Wez orks 'as been beaten once
>But wez gunna 'ead back afta wez get our WAAAGH!!!! goin; again
>Good toim ta be an Ork
>Lotsa wurk ta do
>be me, Priestess Medeth Absinthium
>still running away from that one stubborn xenos bitch
>it's moving slower after taking a stray bullet
>but I'm running out of roofs
>at least there seem to be fewer xenos around in this part of the city
>slide, climb and drop to the street below
>wonder if I've learned how to hot-wire a car
>these holes in my memory can be really annoying at times
>decide against it anyway, a stolen car might draw unwanted attention
>spot an arbites with a jetbite nearby and run towards her
"Help! I'm being chased by a xenos!"
>drop down just in time for her to shoot the xenos
>cajole, beg and eventually convince her to give me a ride to the cathedral
>luckily she doesn't search me
>Be Tau Water Caste
>Wait, Really?
>I got crushed by a giant falling arm!
>How am I alive?
>Oh, right
>The Universe hates me and enjoys keeping me alive so I can suffer even more
>Or this is hell
>If it's hell, I've been dead for awhile.
>My bones hurt
>This arm smells
>Wait, what is that?
>Tau drones!
>The fire caste has arrived!
>They're painted a bit weird though
>Ethereal must've called on a obscure Sept
>Struggle free of the massive arm
>Shakily stand
>It seems that nothing is broken
>But everything hurts
>Such is life
>Get stampeded by fleeing genestealers
>Be Shas'Vre Tash'var Dorax great soldier of the farsight enclaves
>coming past this system on a scouting mission with a platoon of fire warriors
>see this planet with many gue'la
>waitwaht.fire warrior
>call it in the to enclaves and tell them I'm going down to investigate
>may we not die here but I f so may it be glorious and honourable
>Be Fessus
>Okay so to make a long story short, after we drove around shooting at genestealers and sleeper agents traitor guard for a while, we decided to drop off the Guard Boys we had dragged into helping us clear our names back to base, as we ended up not really needing their help after all
>We were all planning on resting up and trying to come up with new way of making some cash
>But of Course with our rotten luck, that didnt quite happen
>instead, we all get kidnapped and dragged off by a bunch of toaster fuckers
>why cant we ever catch a break.
>Anyway, they take us all the way to their base, where this big bastard of a tech priest was
>i mean, Throne was he fucking big
>the guy looked like he ate three regular sized tech priests’
>Apparantly He's a Mango jury or something
>the Admech equivalent of an Inquisitor
>Oh fuck
>He’s sitting there, eating his dinner, at this large table
“Oh good. Yer here. Please, Have a seat we’ve got a lot to discuss”
>The way he says it sounds more like a command than a request
>We All oblige
>after slowly fonishing the rest of his meal in silence he starts talking to us again.
“So, yer them Magpie boys i been hearin about? I gotta say, i didnt think so much trouble could come from such a bunch of small fries”
>”The Traitor Guard was not our fault, we had nothing to do with them i swear”
“Oh i know that. But what bunch of brainwashed saps did is the least of my concerns. It’s what you’ve done that interests me.”
“Oh sure, you didnt think we wouldn’t notice did you? The possession, use, and movement of heretical xenotech, not performing the rite of lasgun safety deactivation, unauthorized handling and repairs of Mechanicus machines, You know we even had to invent a new kind of Tech Heresy to cover that last one? ‘ Duct-Tape Heresy’ the boys call it. I gotta say, it’s ballsy how even in a place like this, you still thought it was a good idea to fuck with Admech
>Oh fuck we’re so screwed.
>Alright Poker face Fessus, Poker Face
>Be like Lloyd and we can bluff our way outta this.
“Now normally, i’d have you all lobotomized and be made into servitors as examples to lay off your debts to Admech, but I’m feelin generous right now.”
“You see, I got a problem. Yer not the only ones disrespectin da Mechanicus right now. The streets of Angel’s landing, are full of tech Heretics, trading their little xenotech goodies and not payin their tithes. It’s a fuckin mess out there.”
“Now, i could send my boys out there to clean it up, but i figure, wouldnt it be better to let these poor sinners atone for their sins against the Omnissiah, by acting as his eyes ears, and arms in the streets?”
“So here’s the deal, you work for us for a while, and we drop all charges of tech Heresy. Give you a fresh slate.”
>”...What’s the catch?”
“No catch. You scratch my back, i scratch yours.”
>with those things he calls limbs I’d rather he not
“Perform well, and you’ll be rewarded. Although if you prefer, that servitor option’s still open.”
>i guess there’s only one way out then
>be Colonel
>thank the emperor for these space marines letting us hitch a ride
>was kind of afraid we'd die on those steps
>I'll have to thank them later
>looking out it looks like the bug looking people are retreating or dying a lot
>coward.imperial guard
> well it seems like everything is dying down now
>means I can go see if I can requisition some heavy armour
>first stop? The bishop and the governess
>they might be able to help me out, I hope at least
>if not I'll talk to the cogboys on planet
>but I'm doubtful they'll give me anything
>mightaswelltry.annoyed moustache
>Be Captain Thorn
>On plus side the Genestealers stopped coming
>But that is over shadowed by the fact that we are buried under a mountain of dead genestealers
>We lost count of how many Terran hours we have been buried under this mountain of xenos filth and had to spend the time recounting the best stories of our genefather
>Some Aggressor ended up having the best story, mostly due to the fact that he was alive when Dorn was alive
>Lucky bastard
>Shorty after the Aggressor won we were finally find a light source
>Though as we got closer we noticed it was really orange in color
>In fact it look more like it originated from a fire
>Then I remembered that the place we are in contains a Bishop who can even make a Salamander sick of fire
>Oh fuck
>Sure enough when we finally reached the other side of Mt Genestealer it was on fire
>Actually the whole fucking city was on fire
>Even the citizens were on fire
>It fits the stories of this shithole we heard about before we arrived
>What in the Emperors name is wrong with this planet
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>Be Sister Cecilia of the Family
>Be huddled in a dark hole with what remains of the Family
>Only 100 of us remain where once there were thousands
>Daddy’s body is laid out for all to mourn over
>Tears in my eyes
>Through the tears, receive a vision
>I know what I must do.determination
>Go to daddy’s body
>”I will make you proud daddy.”
>Sink my teeth into his head
>Tear away flesh and blood
>Feel my body twist and writhe
>Feel myself mutate and absorb the genestealer flesh
>Feel my tongue lengthen and change, becoming ovipositor
>Feel rending claws grow from my fingers
>Feel arms burst from my back
>Feel my mind expand and connect to each member of the Family
>Be filled with psychic might and divine purpose
>Be Sister Cecilia, Hybrid Matriarch of the Family
>Praise the Four Armed Emperor!
>Remember our father!
>And for the love of all that is holy, could we be a bit quieter this time?
>All that was great, but Daddy died for us.
>We don't need to control the world NOW
>Take it slowly.calmdown
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>Be me, Juris Magos Anthony Cosanostro
>And it's time to get the locals in line.
>Send my boy Vusio along the the local crew we recruited. He can keep an eye on dem and make sure the job gets done right.
>He's just in from all the way back on Mars, so he don't speak much gothic yet. Strong as a Titan though, and kind of a hot head. But hey, fuck it, he ends up killin a few of these jerk offs it's fine.
>Send introductory correspondence to what counts for leadership on this planet. The Bishop, The Governess, The Canoness, and The Commissar.
>Tell'm who I am. Explain that I'll be seizing control of the local Ad Mech in salvaging the Necron artifacts.
>Also explain that my primary mission is to investigate and punish the RAMPANT fuckin tech heresy they've allowed to happen on this planet.
>Explain that I got guys goin around lookin into it, and any interference with my agents won't be fuckin tolerated. It'll be considered aiding tech heretics, which is also tech heresy.
>Suggest that any non-Administratum issued tech be turned over immediately and it will be inspected and returned.
>In the correspondence to the Canoness and The Governess, I tack on an invitation to discuss the issue further over dinner.
>By the standards of this shithole, they're both fuckin knockouts and there's still a few big parts of me that ain't metal.
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>Be me, The Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>With the Tyranids retreating, I give the orders for my people to start engaging in clean up efforts as carefully as possible. Get rid of the remains and purify the infected civilians.
>See Sargant Thorn in the aftermath of the battle. He was one of the marines that stood with us against the monster and his berserkers.
>Bless him with the sign of the aquila, and tell him he can use some of our laundry lad...err hospitaleers if any of his guys are injured.
>Also invite him to attend one of my sermons. Even the emperor's angels of death could learn so much and find so much solace in the Emperor granted wisdom I have to share.
>Try to reunite with my wife and congratulate her on her bravery.
>Ask her how she got so good with that power sword anyway.
>Finally retire back to the Governess' mansion to relax during the clean up and scans for Tyranid infection.
>Some guy claiming to be a Colonel is asking for equipment.
>Invite him in and hear him out, mostly because everyone is too busy to listen to me preach right now.
>Ask him if he works for that Warp Spawn Commissar.
>Ask him if he's aware that Commissar is Warpspawn.
>Ask him what the guard policy is on Warp Spawn.
>Ask him if he attends my sermons and if he has heard what I've said about Warp Spawn.
>Ask him if this equipment is required specifically to take care of the Warp Spawn Commissar and if not then why doesn't he just get it from the guard?
>Ask him if he is also Warp Spawn.
>Be me Planetary Governess, Tentaclefangirl truly never again
>Actually enganging in a fight with those things truly works as a excellent rehab
>One of these Space Marines saves me from my otherwise pretty unspleasant fall to death
>One of these Broken Shield Guys. I will rememeber that. Maybe I should order the Admech to give those honorable brothers some new shields.
>See my babe, purging and cleansing right, left up and down anything that isn't by three on... pfff, fuck it, as if anything could flee my boys holy fervour
>Will make sure to reward him for that later
>Thank them for the ride
>Yeah, I bet you like what you see, don't you?
>Oh yes, I liked you too
>Well, yes... Duelling is common under nobles, I tried my best not to get killed by some of my degenerate brothers and sisters
>Why is he talking so much with this old guy general, when I just want to take him to the bath and wash ourselves from all the pain and blood?
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>Be me, Brother Jiro of The Solar Hawks
>Be entering the atmosphere of this supposed Shrine World, along with a few others of my comrades.
>We heard from our ship, that over the course of the past year this world had faced threat from all manner of enemies
>If rumors were to be believed, it had faced a full Tyrannic Invasion, an Ork WAAAGH!!! and a incursion by Chaos, to speak of only a few things.
>It is said it's capital city has been destroyed and rebuilt with such fervor, that it only stands now as a testament to the will of it's current governing power
>Some might think a few more members of the Adeptus Astartes might be as a drop in the sea for battles here. Perhaps some might wonder why we of The Solar Hawks did not bring more forces to combat the enemy
>They do not know that this sort of battle is exactly what Zero Flight what made more
>Be plummeting down into the world's skies, tearing through the heavens
>Not in a dropship however
>At the head of Zero Flight, I lead my unit of five Xiphon Interceptors towards the closest thing that passes for an airfield on this world.
>Turns out that isn't the capital, but if reports about the Genestealers are to be believed, this isn't surprising
>Hear over the vox where our designated landing area shall be
>Oh that's much to close
>Plot a course for another field, much further away
>We Solar Hawks have been cooped up far to long in Warp Transit, now we want to spread our wings
>Fire the engines in my craft, Naran Jigüür, accelerating towards the horizon
>Vox to my brothers
>Lets see who makes it to this air strip first

>Be Palatine Barbastella
>The Black Sepulchre and Golden Light have fallen back
>Operating in the undercity proved to be untenable
>We rallied with the defenders outside the cathedral, using the hearses as cover
>Which certainly motivated Sister Nyx, as she fervently tried to prevent the beasts scratching the paintwork
>The fact that her hearse looked fit for the scrapheap before the siege and is currently held together with duct tape has not dissuaded her
>I fear she may have lapsed back into promethium abuse
>One can take a girl out of the underhive, but not the underhive out of the girl it seems
>I thought it would be over after the biotitan crashed through the ceiling, but the universe was not yet satisfied that we had suffered enough
>Now, what I hope to be the last desperate charge of genestealers spews forth from the undercity
>And leading the charge is our old acquaintance, the scarred patriarch
>Before I can draw a bead on him, I hear twelve shots fired in quick succession
>Any lingering doubts I had about Palatine Sara's condition are washed away as I watch the patriarch topple over, visceral blossoms blooming where the blessed bolts tear through his flesh
>A thing of sublime beauty to behold
>The remaining genestealers fight on, but without the guidance of their progenitor they degenerate into nothing more than rabid animals
>Easy targets for our blades and bolts
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>Soon the cacophony of war is replaced by the silence of death, punctuated by the cries of the injured
>As I signal to my sisters to tend to those who have yet to join our Lord in the void, I see a straggler
>One of our initiates, barely with us a year, sprints toward the recumbent patriarch
>I call out a warning to her, that even in death such things can't be trusted, but she pays me no need
>She cradles its head in her arms, and the penny drops
>I start running toward her, but the beast must have granted her its vile agility
>She reaches a manhole, pausing only to give me a look of hatred and contempt
>I watch as she disappears into the darkness, hauling the corpse with her
>I nearly follow
>Such a fate is not one I'd wish on the foulest heretic
>But we are in no position to mount another assault on the undercity
>All I can do is control my temper, and wait for the time when this can be put right
>Be Colonel
>this bishop guy is pretty weird,talking about warp spawn and shit
>I till him why I need equipment, which is:two basilisks, two hellhounds, a chimera or two and by my commissars personal request a Leman russ
>she shouldn't be allowed near anymore tanks but that's just my opinion
>if he and his wife can't help me I'll see if that head cogboy who just turned up,ought be able to give me a hand instead
>don't really want to talk to him, the ad mech give me the creeps
>but I'll need to if I want sanctioned shit
>hopefully someone helps me
>Be Future Commissar
>Spend untold Terran hours outside city with other me blasting away at any horde attempting to leave the city
>Valkaries by this point have bombed several areas clear of Genestealers while remaining forces deal with these weird Blood Raven Cosplayers
>Though knowing this planet its only a matter of time before some other
>Sure enough, some fuck massive Mechanicum guy drops off a few new cogboys as part of some program to "prevent future instances of xenos tech usage"
>I swear the cogboys still don't get that we use that tech from time to time due to the fact that they don't give us any advanced shit
>Speaking of xenos, fucking Tau scout ships have been spotted to the Northeast of the city
>Don't even question why they came to this shithole or decided to land out in the countryside which by this point is infected with Necrons, feral nids, and Emperor knows what else
>Decide fuck it and have the Guard under my command to get the vehicles ready and head out to the area to hopefully get the inevitable Tau cluster fuck away from the city
>That and Bishop boy still like me along with mechanized regiments not being useful in clearing the underground sections of enemies that rip through Space Marine armor
>Mostly Bishop boy not liking me
>Can't wait to see how this pans out
>Be Xerxes, Sorcerer of the Thousand Sons, accompanied by my army of loyal minions.
>Alright, to be honest
>It's not really a army
>It's two rubrics(one of which has a silly hat bolted to its helmet so I can tell the fuckers apart)
>And a couple of tzaangors
>And we are currently
>lost in the warp.jpg
>Fucking Ahirman
>Sending me out to look for the fucking Black Library
>All I find is some fucking books about the Horus Heresy that are all rather disappointing
>Then the fucking clowns come in and shove us into the warp
>Or maybe the webway
>I honestly don't know anymore
"That is because you are an idiot, my good friend."
>My bird head
>I have two heads
>One of which is a bird
>It's a "gift" from Tzneetch
>Fuck him
>Both Tzneetch and the head
"You really shouldn't be badmouthing me or our god."
>Fuck you beakie
>I know you can read my thoughts
>I just don't care
>Because we're going to be stuck in the hellhole forever
>Because you thought would be HILARIOUS to prank call the harlequins
>Wait, what's this?
>Time and space are FUCKED at this particular point of the warp
>Let's just see if I can...
>We're in the fucking materium!
>One of the tzaangors is vomiting up something foul
>The others are snacking on the large variety of scattered limbs and destroyed bodies created by our arrival
>How many people did we kill by slipping in here?
>Actually, scratch that people part, a lot of this seems to be xenos flesh
>Lot's of... baby xenos flesh?
>Did we warp into a xenos daycare?
"Hey, hey hey! The big man is sending me a message!"
>I ignore birdface
>That's how much I hate him
>I have refused to give him a name during our several hundred year long exile in the warp
"He's got plans here man! We've got to do shit! There's stuff buried deep, and not just Necrons! This shithole has it all!"
>Just ignore him Xerxes
>Remember, if you strangle him, he wins
>I fucking wish I wasn't born on Prospero
>World Eaters have so much more fun.
>"Alright everybody, we're back to the materium, and this is by all odds an Imperial world. So stay quiet, follow me, and no for Tzneetch's sake, stop eating those xenos corpses!"
>be Shas'vre
>northeast quarter of the city seems to be a relatively safe place to land and begin our efforts here
>one of my fire warriors tell me to take caution as we will be a target
>letthemcome.fire warrior
>we have enough supplies to stay here for a while especially if we ration our selves
>need to figure out what these imperials are doing here on this forsaken rock and wether or not the enclaves can send in some more firepower to deal with them
> time to set up camp for now and then do a small recon mission
>from what can be seen in the surrounding area this planet has been blasted and burnt
>burnt is an understatement
> it's like it's been torched since the planet came into being, I do not think this would be worth colonising for the enclaves
>at best sending in one or two of the eight and cleansing it of anything and leaving
>but other than that let's see what else we can find among one the gue'la ruins
>maybe we can convince some of these gue'la to become gue'vesa
>Be me, Drathor
>The Last Crasher, The Problem Child
>Managed to get some rest, feeling great
>I mean, aside from the stabby burny pain on my hips
>And the gunshot wound
>And... yeah no, I'm still fine, I swear
>Crawled out of the refinery a bit ago, I think things have calmed down a bit
>Scurrying through the rubble, trying to figure what we should do next
>Hear jets above
>Duck under some rubble, keep an eye out, waiting to see if the Imps have come to clean up over here
>They like cleaning with fire, so I'm really hoping no
>But these ain't imps....
>Ships are too smooth, too clean
>Way to efficient for anything that blasted Bishop would approve of
>Spot them landing not to far off, and starting to establish a hold
>Sure enough, old Schola teachings come back to me
>T'au? What the feth are they doing here?
>I could have sworn the Uplifting Primer said they were contained to their small little shitty portion of the galaxy
>Decide I'm not sticking around for more of this
>If xenos are here, it's only a matter of time before Imps show up to do what Imps do best
>Start sliding off, heading away
>Can't make a run into the wilds, I'd be either caught, or die
>Not going back underground, because I've had enough of The Family
>Leaves one option
>Start moving back towards what remains of The City
>be Shas'vre
>word is there might be imperial guard coming to our location
>how do we know?
>their comm channels aren't very secure and we accessed the, fairly quickly
>looks like it's time to pack up and get moving to avoid this gue'la threat
"Lets go comrades, time to get moving we have a gue'la force to avoid"
>don't want to fight it because it's just us and our carbine rifles against what I assume will be tanks
>and I don't want to bother with that
>might see if we can go around them and confuse them
>send the ship back into orbit do it's not destroyed and move west to attempt to outmanoeuvre the gue'la
>time to move.tactics
>Be Marcus
>I dont even know what position to call myself anymore because we keep getting tossed around like small players at a Bloodbowl game
>I guess right now it’s “Admech Mook” Lloyd
>This is fuckin bullshit
>You know, i’m startin to think there might be some truth to Fessus’s whing that the Universe hates us, because there is no reason this kinda crap should happen to us.
>Anyways, we’ve now got to assist these creeps in investigating the tech Heresy going on in this city
>and by investigate, i mean, we do the heavy lifting and dirty work, while they do the actual investigating.
>Fine by me, less work for us
>Our new boss Cosanostra sent one of his guys to keep an eye on us and make sure we dont leave
>Big bloody bastard who cant even speak Gothic, just communicates with these things that sound like Electronic farts
>We call him Static because he sounds like the static on a vox hailer
>he’s alright enough i guess
>We dont ask him to do anything or try and piss him off, and he doesn't try and punch our heads off.
>The Admech alerted us of a deal going to happen in some Underhive Alley involving some heretical tech
>The boss wants us to interrupt it and snatch the goods and any prisoners
>Lloyd, Decarus, and stact were sent to get a ride while Fessus, Phil an’ I figure out a way to sneak into the deal
>The plan is that once the parties show them selves, we gun them down, take what we can, and drive off in our rides
>The problem? They got better tech than us
>not only have they got Guards on the roof tops, but they've all got these wierd drone things too
>(un)Fortunately, is hit by a stroke of brilliance
>or rather he hits it when he kicks a thermo shielded box out of frustration
>and that’s why we’re sneaking, into a meeting filled with dangerous technologically superior foes of advanced intellect
>by hiding in metal boxes
>what a bloody awful idea.
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>be Canoness
>stroll through the destroyed doors of the Matrimonial Cathedral with courtly grace
>step around the bodies of Genestealers and traitor Guardsmen
>get subtle glares from defenders who misjudge the peripheral vision of a woman with bionic eyes
>be sure to remember those who just volunteered themselves in advance for difficult assignments
>far be it from me to expect an ounce of gratitude
>under normal circumstances, it's nothing but complaints
>city defense planning is not my jurisdiction
>Adeptus Astartes deployments do not fall under my command
>Imperial Guard logistics are not at my discretion
>but leave for a few hours in a crisis any batch of Whiteshields should be able to handle by themselves?
>oh, I can hear it now
>"Canoness, you were sorely missed in the defense of the city"
>at least the Alpha Legion saw fit to include me as a linchpin and target for their neutered plans
>it's nice to be appreciated by someone
>Ermine Mantle bodyguards hurry to keep up as I stroll through the halls
>the Sisters who sequestered with me in the fallen Titan are still a bit tipsy
>no matter
>carrying my own storm bolter couched under one arm
>an attack from some straggler would almost be welcome at this point
>a Sister Dialogous rushes up with a message
>some Mechanicum Juris Magos is launching an investigation to "root out tech heresy"
>that fucker
>he arrived days ago
>he was waiting for some minor crisis to stir things up before he made a move
>fucking "tech heresy" bullshit
>as if the God-Emperor gave two shits whether I stuck quad multilasers on an Exorcist to mow down Orks in his honor
>just prevented the Alpha Legion from instigating in-fighting and now this fucking greaseball is going to do it all on his own
>and he invited me to dinner
>great, one of those
>as if a bunch of cyborgs know anything about cooking anyway
>considering ordering Charlotte to sleep with him to gain favor but decide against it
>tell the Sister to arrange a meeting
>Be me, Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>Tell this Colonel he should be attending my sermons.
>Armaments are for the faithful.
>Tell him to come back when he is ready to purge the Imperial Guard of heresy.
>Refer him to one of the lower ranking priests who can hopefully save him from heresy.
>About to go get cleaned up with the Governess
>Then I get some message from the AdMech
>Some fat robot threatening me.
>Start drafting a 300 page condemnation of the Adeptus Mechanicus detailing how they are basically heretics, urging them to convert, threatening them with the wrath of the Emperor...
>But bae is giving me that look.
>Decide this can wait. Scoop her up and carry her to the tub.
>Besides, I could use her input.
"I can't remember. Is there any reason that I can't just purge the Ad Mech from the planet? This whole Omnissiah thing is clearly heresy."
>be Colonel
>the Bishop want helpful now it's time to go talk to this new mangos dude
>they give me the creeps but I have to talk to him
>apparently he's going around punishing tech heresy
>good thing we have no decent stuff to be heretical with
>all I want is for him to give me something
>please give me tanks
> I don't want to have to deal with the beurocracy of the administratum
>fuck the administratum
>bunch of arseholes
>fuck them
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>Be Xerxes, Thousand Sons Sorcerer
>Be sneaking through this ruined city with my minions
>The city is a little bit on fire
>It feels like that happens a lot
>See some of those Tau creatures ahead
"Hey Xerxes, I've heard those Xenos are quite naive in their pursuit of the 'greater good'. We should go talk to them!"
>Fuck you, stupid second head
>...Though I am going to do that
>"Greeting Tau! I am somewhat human and I wish to learn about your greater good!"
>Bird head nudges towards the tzaangors
>Oh, right. Them
>"My companions are also interested in the Greater Good, though to be honest, they're rather dumb."
>be Shas'vre
>this what looks like space marines but the leader has an odd bird head
>they speak about the greater good?
>who are they to speak to me of the greater good, filth
"You, you marine who are you to speak to me of the greater good? I Shas'vre Tash'var Dorax come from the glorious farsight enclaves and despise the doctrine of the empire, speak quickly and I may not shoot you here"
>stupid gue'la mistaking me for one of those empire shas
>fucking gue'la
>Be me, Thomas
>Be one of the last bloody civilians left alive from before this shit started going south
>I swear, I remember when we had to be afraid of temperatures that could freeze a man in three seconds
>Now I'm just afraid of Sororitas that can do that even faster with a mean look
>I've been tasked by the Committee of Unified Neo-Fortification and Structures
>Or C.U.N.T.S. if you want to be short
>The C.U.N.T.S. have rounded up the civilians, both new and old, to once again start rebuilding the city after another fight
>The representative says he's new to the job, but he's not going to let that stop him from driving us into the ground to celebrate the glory of those we serve.
>I ask one of my co-workers if the last guy was like that
"Right up until the moment he started trying to bang everything with two legs, while ranting about a four arm Emperor."
>It's not hard work I suppose
>Keep my construction gear on, full body suit, while I lay some pipe for what I'm told will be a new set of barracks
>Here's hoping we can actually finish it before it gets destroyed again.
>Wait, these creatures have a splinter faction?
>Rethink plan!
>"Crawk! My idiotic partner assumed that you were part of the larger Tau Empire, because he is culturally insensitive. Really, he just dislike his current place in the Imperium and believes that your cause is better. We would like to offer our services, allegiance, and friendship to you."
>But remain silence, stewing in my hate
>I wonder if it would be possible to renounce Tzneetch at this point and join a khornate warband.
>Fucking bird leans over to me and whispers right into my ear
"It's not."
>So fucking glad I wear a helmet so the Tau can't see the pure rage on my face.
>the gue'la apologises?
>hmm I'm in a good mood today so I might consider this gue'la's apology
>but the question must be asked why do his allies look like birds and why do the other two not speak, like at all?
>no matter I like this what I assume man
"Fine I accept your apology gue'la, but I first must know your intent here, we have been sent to scout this planet, why are you here?
> lets see his true colours
>if this goes well then we can move in a stronger force to defend ourselves and fighting whatever comes after us
>I might even get a battlesuit after this
Ensure my men are still on alert so as not to get ambushed
>might want to tell him about the gue'la vehicles coming...
>Thank Tzneetch that these fools bought that
>"Well you see, I came to this planet some time ago in order to search for hidden knowledge, however I have been disappointed by both the lack of any as well as the Imperium's general disapproval of my quest. However, you Tau have shown ingenuity, the ability to be flexible and change, unlike the foolish Imperium which is decaying and stuck in it's ways."
"Crawk, yes, you guys are in an upswing, and it's truly inspiring. We, by which I mean myself and the man I am attached to, have powers that are lacked throughout the entirety of your species. We believe that with our power, you could more easily overcome many Imperial forces."
>Yes, thank you bird head
>Thank you for stating the fucking obvious
>Oh shit, there's a tank driving towards us
>tank.justoppertunity I was looking for
>The Tau start shouting something about gue'la and such
>I calmly level my staff towards the tank, and let off a massive bolt of warp energy
>The tank is reduced a chaotic mess of melting flesh, freezing water, and a fucking oak tree.
>I turn back to the Tau
>"I believe that is a proper demonstration of my abilities."
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>be me, Sybarite Drazar
>be sitting alone in the middle of a tundra
>watch as the beast and passengers dissapear into the distance
>scavenge some communication equipment from the craftworld jetbike to signal a patrol
>get a confirmation pulse back
>no words, just an affirmative
>and now I wait
>take out soul stone
>it pulses a full glow
>the dude acted all smug, saying it's not like I could talk to them
>I'll show the fucker
>ok, we Eldar are suppose to be inherently psychic
>think hard about the stone
>face turns a shade darker of red with the attempt
>the stone pulses again
>did I manage it?
>sigh to myself and replace the stone
>try to get the taste of purple out of my mouth
>in the distance I hear the familiar hum of anti-grav engines
>get up and stretch
>can already see the raider
>hear a female voice over the communications
"Well, well, well, lookie who we found!"
>I can recognize that voice from anywhere
>it's that one wytch that follows the...
>oh no
>I can already see the succubus hanging off the side
>oh fuck
>start legging it away
>the raider dosen't slow down
>watch as the succubus twirls a length of rope
>feel something wrap round my waist
>get pulled into the air, deffinately not screaming
>get thrown onto the deck of the raider
>lay their for a bit
>see the succubus approach
>get up and face her
>she blushes and looks away
>then she reaches out and grabs my hand
>by vect what is this degeneracy
>get pulled into the hold of the raider by the succubus hurriedly
>I know how to recognize the end
>sigh dejectively
>this is how it ends eh?
"Of fuck me.."
>one of the wytches yells as the door closes
>Be Original Commissar
>Guard Regiments nearly ready to head northeast when suddenly Tau ships fly out of the city
>At least I presume they are Tau ships, carried this weird marking that kinda looks like their official one but different at the same time
>Dismiss this as just symbol of scouting team to the bigger force that just popped out of space carrying official marks
>Decide to inform the other leaders on this planet about these weird scout Tau, they can probably deal with it better then I can
>With that out of the way me and my future self decide to head out of the city with the Guard and investigate, fight, destroy, or become canon fodder to the Tau and Emperor knows what else is out there
>Also keep note of that Colonel and search for any equipment I can use to bargain with him
>Want to make sure Bishops paranoia about future me doesn't cloud his judgement with me
>Mostly though want to get to know that lady Commissar with him, she is a solid 8.5/10
>Future me though does state she is slightly below Canoness
>be Shas'vre
>we're firing st one of our pursuers and then boom, it explodes
>what the fuck.what
>what did he just do?
"Explain, what was this you just did? How did you turn that tank into a tree?"
>make sure I have my gun trained on the weird bird head, cause it's most likely the root of the weird shit
> I don't like this, this seems weird
>this will allow us to move around easier, but I'll make sure they're at the front so we can shoot them easier
>get word from my pilot that a Tau empire fleet has arrived but has not discovered us
> I wonder why they're here?
>no matter I have a job to do and my comrades will follow whatever the cowards of the sept worlds throw at us
>Foolish Tau knows not what he's dealing with
>Also, awesome Tau is pointing his gun at bird head
>I like this guy
>"It is called psychic powers. Among humans and the Aeldari, people can be found that possess the power to bend reality in many ways to many purposes. For example, sending messages across vast swathes of space faster than an electromagnetic signal, or turning a tank into a tree. Well, part of a tank. I think the other part has merged with its occupants...
>"Anyways, your species does not possess psychic potential as strongly as humans and aeldari do, and as such possess no psykers."
"Crawk! More are coming!"
>"And as my bird head says, more are coming. While I may be powerful, dealing with multiple tanks MAY prove impossible."
>Fucking shit bird, forcing me to include him in my conversations.
>be Shas'vre
>this man calls himself a psyker
>I have heard of these
>The gue'la despise them for the damage they wreak
>I don't like the look of the bird head though, but I'll leave it alive unless it make a nuisance of it'sself
>more tanks are on the way we either move out now or ready a defense line here and fight them
>I'll ask our new psyker ally
"what say you? should we move out and stay ahead of this oncoming threat or should we stay and fight it?"
>lets see if he is a coward or not
>cowardice is disgusting
>either way we have work to do and this man is an efficient tool to get the job done
>I'll send the stealth suits ahead to scout out the area and then com me with anything they find, I need to know this place inside and out.
>"In my opinion, withdrawing would be the best option at the moment. Killing more Imperials at this moment would only attract more, let alone if I possess the ability to destroy the number of vehicles coming."
"Crawk! Lord Tzneetch tip of the day: only attack the enemy on your own terms, either when you are sure you will win, or if the attack is a smaller part of larger plan!"
>"Yes... as the bird says, our position is not secured, and we'll be outnumbered and outgunned."
>Dear Tzneetch, I hope this guy doesn't want me to blow up ALL the tanks.
>I mean, I could do it
>But I'd rather not
>Be Shas'vre
>He's a coward then
>at least a smart coward
>fine I'll listen to the bird head, for now anyway
>get my men to pack up camp and begin to move out
>also notify the stealthsuits to continue their mission but also attempt to keep us in range as much as they can
>at least none of my cadres will die
>just need to figure out why the sept worlders are here
>what do they want with this planet
>maybe the psyker could aid me in figuring this out
"fine, we move but I would ask of you something, I have been given word of T'au from the sept worlds in orbit of the planet, would you be able to discern their intent here?
>lets see how well he is
>might just point my gun at the bird head just in case so I don't get blindsided with warp fuckery
>stupid bird
>stupid bird people
>weird non talking marines
>mfw this was supposed to be a simple recon mission but now it's me against the sept worlders
>Be Tau Etheral
>Man... look at that shithole below us
>The planet with all the hot gue'la bitches
>Yep, totally gonna conquer that in the name of the Empire
>Totally not going to make it my personal pleasure planet
>I Pet the head of what was once a promising earth caste scientist before I noticed her rockin' bod
>Being an ethereal fucking rocks
>I Wonder if that water caste I sent here is still alive.
>Let's see... we put tracking chips in everyone so...
>Yep, there he is, being chased by a car
>I don't think there's even anyone in it.
>It's just a fucking empty car going in the exact same direction as him.
>Fucking what?
>Fuck that guy
>He shouldn't be being chased by cars
>He should be putting that water caste charm on to seduce the leaders of the planer
>Break them in for me, ya know?
>Call up the Shas'O under my command.
>"My will be done, conquer this planet in the name of the Empire!"
>They give praise to me and prepare to land.
>Fucking priceless.troll
>Fine ass air caste feeds me grapes
>Living the good life
>The tau asks me for the intentions of the enemy?
>Not exactly my forte, but I can try
>"Aright then, allow me to peer into the warp so I was discern their minds."
>Open myself the warp
>All the colors.jpg
>Gaze up at the sky
>Yep, lots of dim Tau souls up there
>And one very bright one actually
>Must be the ethereal
>Let's see... not the best at mind reading, but I can do in a pinch...


>Just wow.
>That guy is an open fucking book
>How the fuck has he not fallen to Slaanesh?
>Absolute hedonist.motherfucker
>I can't...
>I don't...
>Should I tell this guy the whole thing, or just the conquering stuff?
>"Listen well, for this is what I have gleaned from the warp: The fleet has come here on orders of a single ethereal to conquer this planet."
"Crawk! And the reason he's doing it is because he wants to make it his personal pleasure planet!"
>"...Yes, that is indeed the reason. I was leaving that out because it was so ridiculous."
>I awkwardly cough
>One of the tzaangors has a brick in its mouth
>A fucking brick
>Be Shas'vre
>this psyker has told me the intentions of the T'au fleet in orbit
>the Ethereal leading it was degenerated into a frame of mind no T'au should look into
>Imustcleansehisfleetofhim.save my enslaved bretheren
>the gall of this Ethereal to treat ladn like this, even though we weren't going to take it, time to spite him
"time to find shit Shas'O he has sent and deal with him or negotiate a surrender of his equipment and men, and then later deal with the fleet in orbit"
>I tell my pilot to send word to the enclaves about this T'au fleet and that I may need support, namely some more men and battlesuits, namely an XV8-05 crisis battlesuit for myself
>time to fight and win
>Be Colonel
>On my way to talk to the cogboys I thought to stop in on the commissars and see what they were doing and if they could help me out
>being commissars and all they're bound to have some left over equipment and vehicles he/they can spare
>I hope so, I really don't want to talk to the admech or the fucking administratum
>this is all Commissar Lady crazy's fault
>"drive me closer I want to hit them with my sword"
>dumb bitch
>can't say it to her face though, the boys need me to lead them
>can't do that with a hole in my face
>hopefully the Commissar and himself are able to give me a hand, if he does I might give him more of a hand later on
>but I'll send word to the admech to meet me with Commissars one and two
>It seems this tau somewhat trusts me then
>"So we are to look for their commander then? That is what Shas'O means, correct? If we are to do that, it would help if were were to remain hidden. Luckily, I have just the solution for being hidden while remaining mobile."
>I raise my staff and energy shoots out in long visible arcs, sticking over our heads and impacting the earth around us, forming a shimmering dome
>As an added bonus, a whisper of warp energy enters the Tau around me, easing their future corruption to Tzneetch
>"While inside this dome that centers on myself, we will be nearly undetectable to mortal eyes as the dome twists and distorts perceptions. To those observing us, we may simply be absent from the world, or else we will seem to them their approximation of normal, possibly looking like a patrol of human guardsmen."
"Crawk! Tzneetch gives knowledge to good like boys!"
>"Now then, let us move on and hunt the enemy leader as you say. Lead the way."
>I gesture to the tzaangors to stop fucking around and for the rubrics to follow
>The tzaangor with the brick still hasn't dropped it.
>"Drop it. DROP it!"
>He drops it
>"Good boy."
>I pet him
>Caring for tzaangors.101
>It seems this Psyker is becoming more and more lax as I allow him more freedoms
>I still don't like the bird, next fire fight I'll "accidentally" shoot the bird
>his bird man things are weird, one had a brick in it's mouth
>anyway yes it's time to hunt down their Shas'O and deal with him before more sept world forces arrive
>I just hope I actually get that battlesuit cause I like battlesuits and I want one
>but it's time to move
"you are smart psyker, I will give you that, this will aid us yes, I hope you will be of more use to me in the future"
>stupid gue'la
>thinks I trust him and his stupid bird head
>I trust him as much as I can throw him
>which for someone like hm, not that far
>I sense lies coming from him, intuition you could call it
>but even still I must make sure I and my men are safe from his warp tricks
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>be me, Archon Dathram of the Starless Night Kabal
>sip wine casually, going over various spy reports
>the tau showed up
>genestealers got BTFOed and barely a handful remain
>the main city is in ruins
>some chaos Mon'keigh showed up and is fucking with some tau
>the planetary govorness is fucking her husband
>that one sybarite is holding hands with the succubus
>normal shit
>finish up the last of the wine I had
>none left on any of the ships
>I guess I should get off my ass and do something
>stand up and stretch
>what to do first...
>call for one of my various mandrake spies
>hand him? her? it a holo communicator
"Deliver this to our wonderful host."
>the mandrake stares at me
>it hands me the communicator
>ah, yes I forgot
>they're fucking stupid
>with the patience of a saint I hand it back to the mandrake
"By host I mean the governess. Do be discreet about it, would you?"
>the creepy fucker vanishes into the shadows
>sigh and wait
>I should check for wine
>two minuets later the Mon'keigh stumbles into the room
>he's hung over
"Whatcha need boss?"
"Go check for wine in the cellars. If you don't find any, just bring up a bottle of that "Rot Gut" you make. Something's better than nothing."
>the mon'keigh staggers back away
>stare at the planet below me
>soon enough the mandrake will return and I'll get a chance to speak with the governess
>massage my temples
>the two trueborn guards get into a fist fight over who has a bigger dick or whatever they fight about
"I am surrounded by idiots..."
>Be Tau Water Caste
>I stepped on a fucking landmine
>Greater Good Damned
>How am I alive?
>How are my limbs still attached to my body?
>Why am I alive?
>I need purpose in my life
>As the ringing slowly clears from my ears, I hear somebody talking
>Who would talk to a pathetic creature like me?
>Oh, wait, it's coming from a ragged speaker bolted to the wall.
>It's that guy, the Bishop
>The one with the hot wife I was told to bang by that asshole ethereal
>The bishop's talking about the Emperor, and purity, and such
>I honestly don't get a lot of that
>I'm pretty delirious as this point from all the concussions and dehydration
>From how he walks about it, the Emperor seems to be their unifying thing
>Their version of the Greater Good.
>Well, my life is shit, and appears to be in no way to be getting better.
>Fuck it
>Be Tau Water Caste, worshipper of the God-Emperor
>Praise the golden throne and all that
>Pull an aquilla off a dead body
>There are a lot of dead bodies on this planet
>Affix Aquila to uniform
>perfect picture of Emperor worship.stillaxeno
>I go off towards the cathedral
>I'm going to go find that Bishop guy and thank him for turning my life around.
>Well, not turning it around
>It is still exactly as terrible as it was before
>I'm just coming at a different angle
>Emperor protect.isthatwhattheysay
>Be Fessus
>I am a genius and this was a genius idea?
>Who would suspect that people would try to sneak in in boxes?
>Not the guards that’s for sure
>and thanks to the shielding on the boxes neither did their drones
>so once we get inside, Marcus Lloyd and I all take positions
>There’s two groups, one looks like your typical ganger scum, but dressed up with some weird plaid lookin patterns on them
>The other group looks like...PDF boys?
>nah, they look too shifty and scraggly
>Probably looters, or deserters.
>It looks like they’re the ones supplying the tech
>they’re still talking, Good, that means we still got time
“Well, genius leader, how are we gonna go about this?”
>Shit there’s a lot of guys here, and once we start firing there’s gonna be a lot of them focusing on us
“Well come on you do have a plan don't ya?”
“This here’s all the plan we need!”
>A bright flash emits infront of the parties negotiating the deal
>Well so much for that plan
>We start firing, and take out a good few of the dazed,
>Some of the dealers side try and escape with the gooss, but some negotiation from the business end of Marcus’s plasma gun convinces their truck’s machine spirit otherwise
>but once they recover, they start returning fire
>thank goodness these boxes make for excellent cover
>and for the fact that gangers apparantly cant aim for shit
>their training and discipline is pretty shit actually
>well what can you expect from ganger scum
>still though there’s a lot of them
>some of them are moving to flank
>oh shit one of them’s got a combead,
>I think he’s calling for reinforcements
>Shit, i was banking on them beig too cowardly to stay and fight
>suddenly, a Van bursts through the side Wall
>Oh come onethatvwas like 20 seconds, no way they could be that fast
>Wait why is it running over gangers?
>The Door opens
>Oh thank the Emperor it’s our guys.
>he converted a fucking tau to the imperials
my sides, this whole story has been great.
>Be Tar Gwill, last of the night lords 83rd
>and I still don't plan to die on this world
>running from the cathedral
>running from genestealers?
>running from baneblades?
>I could...maybe get behind that
>climb some dirty hab block
>perch on the edge
>wait for grav tank to come by...
>loyalist commander is clowning around in the cupola
>disintegrate his unhelmed head with by boot
>already in hand, I toss a stasis grenade into the cabin
>taking fire from other grav tanks
>do stasis grenades make a sound when they go off?
>Tank is starting to veer wildly
>I guess not
>Try to enter hatch
>Skinning knife drawn
>Stupid headless commander in the way
>Hunch behind him as heavy bolter fire rakes the hull
>Grav tank plants at full speed into a hab
>fly like a raptor
>land in rubble
>seconds later, pick out loyalist mutts advancing towards me
>time to go
>sprint back off down some alley
>wonder if the melta charges in the cathedral will ever blow
>don't care
>run back to sewers
>another glorious day in the VIIIth
1 of 2
>Be me, Juris Magos Anthony Cosanostro
>Have the Canoness brought up to our ship by shuttle.
>Tell the guys to avoid the normal pat down, and even allow her to bring along a little retinue if it makes her feel safe.
>Of course, they aren't invited to the meeting.
>Ship's decor is opulent. More like what you'd expect from a Rogue Trader but with far more muscle.
>Food is prepared and served by servitors designed specifically for their function. Dinner is a private setting.
"You probably thought AdMech food was at least two parts oil, eh? Well, some of the courses are. It's just the kind that comes from olives as opposed to the kind you use on your Bolter."
>Be absolutely massive. Between fat, muscle, and machinery easily the weight of two or three armored space marines.
"I imagine I don't have to explain what I'm doin here to you. You seem like a smart broad, so there's no need to beat around the bush. Your planet is full of tech heresy. That's no surprise to you, because you engage in it yourself. We didn't even have to look hard at your ride to figure that out."
>Be covered in Mechadendrites, though the upgrades all look more expensive then necessary.
"But I'm glad you came. Though, if I were you I'd be looking for any excuse to get off that fuckin shitshow of a planet. Normally I conduct most of my operations on the ground, where I can get hands on. But here, fuckin unbelievable. Between the quality of amasec and what passes for cuisine down there, it's just no way to live."
>Drinking the finest amasec and eating course after course of food befitting the most corrupt nobles of the imperium.
>Be Decarus
>Be working for Admech now after one of their Magos caight on to all the technoheretical things we did
>We were only doing it to stay alive
>still, a crime’s a crime i guess
>So me and Phil weren’t having much luck finding a vehicle
>It turns out there wasnt a lot within our price range
>that being very little
>nobody would even let us borrow their cars either
>Phil was seriously considering borrowing one of their vehicles without asking, even rhough that sounds an awful lot like stealing.
*Beep* *Beep*
>It’s Static honking the horn
>It turns out that he had managed to talk the vendor into selling us An armored van at a reduced price,
>a really reduced price in fact
>The Vendor didnt even ask for our money, he just looked really sweaty and nervous
>I guess Static must have told him jow inportant our mission was
>wow, i guess that’s why the Boss sent Static with us
>so anyways we drive back to the designated wait spot, but since we heard a lot of shooting and swearing going on, we figured that was as good a signal as any
>Now, i dont wanna be mean to Static, especially after the way he manages to get us that van
>but his driving is awful
>seriously, he didnt even try to avoid the wall, or the people on the other side
>I mean, yeah they were bad guys who were shooting at our friends, but sill that’s bad practice
>Anyways, that seemed to scare off most of them
>Fessus, Marcus, and Lloyd all jumped up and and started grabbing everything they fould and piling it i to the van
>they even picked up a few people and tossed them in there too
>I wasn't even sure if they were still alive until they started moaning
“They’ve got friends coming and they’re bound to be pissed. Drive man DRIVE!”
2 of 2
"Of course, it doesn't actually have to be that way. I'm fine digging in on a Deathworld when I've got business there. But this place? It could be a nice fuckin world if it weren't for the worthless degenerates running it. And I think you know that. You got this Bishop kid that can't tell his head from his dick and this half-a-fag Commissar fuckin himself in a low-tech tank instead of handling planetary threats. Given that, you can only get so much done. Now, I don't normally care to get involved in planetary governance, but the AdMech has interests here and I'm the guy they send when they need their interests looked after."
"Now you, you're stuck here. You're tryin ta guide around a bunch of fuckin children. And, worse case scenario, I might have to punish you for what they've asked of you. But see, there's another way. Because I want to see this planet prosper too. That makes life better for you and for me."
>Slide the table away from between us with mechadendrites, grabbing our drinks and handing yours back.
"All this planet needs to be comfortable, safe, and profitable is a man that can take charge. You've been fightin that ass of yours off trying to fix things but as long as you're surrounded by children, you're never gonna be happy. But I'm here now, and I'm going to turn this planet into what I want. And that can be a good place for you if you decide to be my friend instead of my enemy. So what do you say Canoness Konstanzia, do you want me to make you happy?"
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>be Solitaire of the Misted Path Troupe
>accompanying Saim-Hann rangers on an important mission
>everything in this human city is cramped and dark and shitty
>don't actually have to be here, just pretended that the paths of fate were convening to sound mysterious and cool
>didn't realize it would be so fucking cold
>or that there would be stank-ass ork corpses everywhere
>whole planet reeks like shit
>at least I don't have to worry about how I smell
>rest of the strike dagger are jabbering on about some stupid nonsense
>aeldari this, my aeldari, aeldari 4 lyfe, what the fuck...
>is this how normies talk now?
>fucking die
>I came here to impress these faggots and now they're all ignoring me and laughing about stupid shit that makes no sense
>walk alongside two of the guys, sort of close
>too busy concentrating on walking right to listen to what they're saying
>should I try talking to the girls instead?
>probably talking about dicks, fucking sluts
>I bet none of them have even seen a dick, not even mon'keigh dick in xenology classes
>well, I haven't either
>guys are laughing, shit, are they laughing at me?
>they know this Thirsty Bitch Mask isn't my face right?
>I'm not 10/10 but it'd be an insult to ugly chicks to call me ugly, I'm at least cute
>fuck, make it easier to butt in to your conversation, fucking normies
>girls up ahead are looking back at us
>are they looking at me?
>shit, they probably think I'm trying to poach their guys
>fuck off sluts, your holes are probably saggy from too much cock by now, you don't been to be scarfing dick all the time
>Cegorach, smite these bitches
>why are none of these guys talking to me? are they waiting for me to say something? fucking limp dick betas
>why would I know what to say I'm not a normie piece of shit like you fuckwads
>exquisite eldar senses pick up motion ahead
>unsheathe storied sword, rev up phase gauntlet, etc, time to impress
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>A Public Service Announcement from the Ecclesiarchy and your pal The Bishop!
>Today we're going to discuss the subject of SEXUAL MORALITY
>Did you know that the vile xenos and the ruinous powers primarily infiltrate and corrupt the blessed Imperium through premarital sex?
>That handsome fella promising you a good time may be a TYRANID INFILTRATOR
>9 months later you may find yourself giving birth to a world destroying GENESTEALER which will destroy your mind, ruin your figure, and stretch your body beyond its limits.
>If you gals find yourselves kneeling for anything but prayer, it is almost certain that you're going to end up with a mouthful of xenos parasites!
>So avoid becoming a bloated and unattractive host for xenos monsters. Tell your man that nothing goes in your mouth until "I do" comes out of his!
>And fellas, don't think you can get away with premarital sex either! Even if that loose girl has somehow avoided becoming infected by Tyranids, she is leading you down the road towards corruption and torment.
>You may think she's your gal, but she's Slaanesh's pal.
>Exposure to Chaos corruption can have horrific physical side effects.
>Men may grow breasts, your penis may transform into a purple lobster claw, or you may even turn gay!
>So, until you're ready to say I do, show that special someone your affection through handholding, prayer, purging heretics, and dancing with at least 12 inches between you.
>Of course, it's a whole different story once you've entered into a loving monogamous relationship with the Emperor's blessing. Then you can enjoy the marital bed with the Emperor's protection.
>So if you have found that special someone and handholding just isn't enough, report to the Ecclesiarchy's matrimonial chapel! As long as your tithes are paid up, carry no Tyranid infection, and you bring an appropriate donation you can be joined under the Emperor's blessing and proceed to be fruitful!
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>Be Matriarch Cecilia, leader of genestealers
>Given the PSAs from the bishop, daddy's previous methods of prostitution have mostly stopped working
>Program canceled
>Out of work.whores
>Luckily, new plan has been formed
>We built a church!
>Why slink to the shadows when you can hide in plain sight?
>We built it in the power areas of the city
>Among the dirty, unwashed masses, still riled up by the Bishop
>It's the Church of the God-Emperor's Arms
>Inside is a statue of the God-Emperor
>The statue has four arms.
>In one it holds a burning sword
>In one it holds a chalice
>In another it holds a quill
>In the last is holds the Aquilla
>And inside...
>In side are daddy's ashes
>Rest in peace.tears
>Every time we hold a service, a random petitioner is chosen to receive "The Emperor's Gift"
>They are given a drink from the chalice which "miraculously" fills with holy liquid each night
>And a kiss from Mother Cecilia, the kindly old priestess who runs the church.
>Hidden in plain sight, beloved by the people we help
>We will spread slowly, carefully for now
>They will join the Family in their minds first before they ingest the seed
>And when we finally draw back the curtain
>They will beg for my kiss
>Be Tar Gwill last of Night Lords 83rd
>Trying to contact the alpha shits
>looks like the corpse worshippers cleared them out
>New Objective: Survive
>at least theres some cool loot down here
>have to slag a few mechanicum scavengers before they see me
>score a powerknife and a sororitas melta
>leave a plasmagun on the ground, i'm too young to die
>I should be safe in the catacombs
>now i need a plan
>Be Marcus
>”Oh Come on why does the bucket of bolts get to drive”
“Because, Marcus, that buckey of Bolts has not only be trained to commune with machine spirts, but he also just saved our asses.
>”But he drives like a bloody fuckin madman!”
“Well maybe a lttle madness is what we need right now to get those guys off our trail, now quit whining and help us tape everything down before those goons catch up to us and force Static to start driving really recklessly!”
“It’s a bit late for that Fessus, it looks like they’re already here”
”What Already!? Shit, alright, Decarus keep our prisoners alive. Phil, Lloyd, keep tapin everything down so we dont lose anything! Marcus, get over here by the back and help me hold them off!”
>It’s them Tartan Gangers, and holy shit there’s a lot of them
>Man whatever we’ve got here must be important
>A lot of them are On small bikes rather than nice big easy target cars, and Static’s Driving isnt making this any easier
>fortunately they’re having an even worse time trying to hit us than we are them
>”Oh this is makin me sick! I think im gonna hurl!
“If you do, do you think you could do it on them? I only have so much ammo here.”
>suddenly the van Starts speeding up in a straight line, and most of the cars and bikes behind us start falling back
“Gentlemen, i would advise that you buckle up, close your eyes, and start praying”
>Do i want to know why?
>Look up ahead.
>Oh Bloody hell
>It’s a makeshift ramp made out of a fallen wall
>He’s gonna try and Jump it
>feel that Giddy sensation you get right before your body realizes “oh shit im falling and gonna die”
>it’s a good thing Lloyd and Phil taped everything down already
>Because that Landing was bloody awful
>but compared the those of the dumb fucks who tried to follow us, it was just peachy
>Their flaming corpses are now decoratin the road
>”Static, You’re a creepy nutter you are, but damn if you cant drive”
>Be me, Hakron Geras of Alpha Legion Cell ΨO
>Retrieved most infiltrated members important to the upkeep of the Gloriana-Class Battle barge "Beta"
>once the flagship of our great primarch Omegon
>now in constant repair and upkeep after 10'000 years without his guidance
>managed to get most of the ship repaired during our stay underneath the crust of stercus ludicrum
>however recent unrelated events have drawn many imperial forces to our planet
>forcing us to find another suitable planet for repairs and legion building
>therefore I have fast-tracked operation "fix 'em up and drop 'em down" in order to make our tactical mobilisation more effective
>everything is in place
>except the night lord
>who has been CONSTANTLY breaking vox silence after we specifically told him that we will be filing out soon
>we would just leave without him, but he is a valuable asset, as demonstrated by his ability to sow terror
>because if him we obtained a special power sword to be reforged into a new alpha legion relic
>with me and other masters, another brainstorming session is held
>and a decision is made
>we send one last vox back to him, requesting his presence at the closest loading bay access point immediately
>or we send word to a nearby night lord warband contingent who we have "hired" to pick him up and rendevous with us at our new prepared HQ
>whatever works best with him
>hopefully he responds
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>be Canoness
>definitely had better dates
>listen to this obese fuck make veiled threats
>and here I thought blimps were too low-tech for the Mechanicus
>at least the food is good
>just stare at him and listen while eating
>followers of the Omnissiah find my eyes charming, I've been told
>and they make for one hell of a poker face, if I ever needed the help
>he tries to angle me against the Bishop and the local government
>that would probably be my play, too
>appeal to my sense of practicality, get me to help him oust the idiots in charge
>and by extension, the Ecclesiarchy-backed government on what is ostensibly a Shrine World, my own support with it
>apparently he doesn't think I'm as smart a broad as he claims
>finish the rest of my meal in silence
>tell him that he must not understand how things work around here
>that on any other world I might be forced to acquiesce to his wishes, but this is not any other world
>that whatever the Mechanicus represents to the Imperium as a whole, here he is a tiny fish in a very large and busy pond
>that he speaks with only as much authority as he brought with him, because this is a place whose complications the High Lords have been all too willing to ignore
>and that I know very well that he's not in a position to follow through with his threats, because if he were we wouldn't be having this conversation
>he needs all the pieces to stay on the table
>sure, he could see everyone accused of tech heresy
>cut off our supplies
>attempt to enact punishment against representatives from three Sororitas Orders, eight Astartes Chapters and a Shrine World government
>and then what?
>run things by themselves?
>hole up in Angels' Landing defending against the Orks, Genestealers, Tyranids, Eldar, Tau and all the forces of Chaos with a bunch of pansy-ass Skitarii?
>fat fucking chance
>let him know that the amasec was excellent, but when we end up doing this again he should keep in mind that I'm more partial to wine
>Be Captain Thorn
>After me and my battle brothers have finally got out of MT Genestealer, Bishop boy ran up to me and gave me a nice Aquilla and started offering church services to us
>Decided to say fuck it, wanted to learn more about this whole Imperial Cult thing, after all Space Marines pretty much worship the Emperor as a god in all but name
>Only reason my most chapters don't say it outright is probably due to the few chapters that do worship him as God being lunatics
>Looking at you Black Templar Fags
>Rant aside the boy was pretty good at giving rousing speeches though he does go off on weird rants
>That and he seems to be the only person oblivious to his wifes past life
>On the plus side though, we have an excuse to stay at their mansion and get to fortify the shit out of it
>Defiantly beats having to use corpses as fortification
>That place is probably crawling with some sort of Nurgle fags.
>Or got crushed by one of the many ships now falling out of the sky due to a massive Tau fleet popping out of now where
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>Be Xerxes, Sorcerer of the Thousand Sons
>Followed by my retinue of two rubrics(one in a silly hat) and an indeterminate number of Tzaangots, I make my way through this ruined city with a group of Tau from the Farsight Enclaves
>What a day.jpg
>We are hidden from perception by my spell of misdirection, which also happens to be slowly seeding the Tau I'm with with Chaos
>Foolish Tau, soon they will serve me
"Hey Xerxes, why do you think this planet is in such ruins? What do you think went down here?"
>This is the sixth fucking time my bird head's ducking asked that.
>He's made his voice sound more annoying each time
>"If you have to know that much, fine!"
>Sighting a random citizen on the street, and seeing no others, I telekinetically yank him to my hand
>He panics, obviously
>The Tau leader looks shocked, then angry
>He's threateningly asking what I'm doing
>"I'm going to extract the information of this planet's recent history from this man, should only be a moment."
>I reach into his mind and pull out all recent memories, tossing the man to the ground and out of our bubble of non detection
Really going to call it the bubble of nondetection? That makes it sound like a spell from Space Marines & Strongholds
>Shut the fuck up bird brain
>Your opinion and presence are not needed or wanted.
>Sort through memories
>This planet has been FUCKED
>Chaos. Necrons. Mechanicus. Tyranids. Eldar of both flavors. Multiple guard regiments. Multiple space marine chapters. Tyranids. Literal mountains of genetealers(that bit might explain the room we arrived in).
>This planet apparently used to be an ice world, but now it's 55 degrees F.
>Because at one point so many fire based weapons were being used that the ice all MELTED.
>And also the planet from the future was going to crash into this one?
>What. The. Fuck?
>I inform the Tau guy about all of that
>He seems as confused by it all as I am
>Oh well, we continue on to find that Shas'O guy or gal.
>Be Shas'vre
>wandering around with this pay keeps is getting weird
>he keeps silently cackling
>it's unnerving
>suddenly we see a civilian who I assume we will avoid
>second later he's crumpled to the floor dead
>apparently pskyer man extracted the planets history
>well his planet is fucked hard
>trusting him less now cause of what he did was dishonourable
>feeling his weird itch or something in my head
>most likely nothing
>but regardless make sure my pathfinders are ready to fire on him and his retinue if needed
>cause I don't trust him
>a lot less than I did
>he's dangerous
>but nonetheless time to continue hunting this Shas'O
>scanners are showing that he is close by to our location
>Be Tar Gwill, last if the Night Lords 83rd
>finally stop killing rando scavengers long enough to for them to tell me they are XX legion messangers
>apparently they like having me around
>probably want to steal my pure geneseed or something
>well at least I wont be on this damned rock
>eat the messanger
>Ok thats were the evac site is
>booby trap a few corpses on my way out
>so long suckers!
>Be Xerxes, Sorcerer of the Thousand Sons
>Followed by my retinue of two rubrics(one in a silly hat) and an indeterminate number of Tzaangots, I make my way through this ruined city with a group of Tau from the Farsight Enclaves
>Suddenly, the Tau leader stops and points
>Ahead are a group of other Tau, their armor painted differently.
>A few are in Tau Battesuits, and one of the suits stands above the others, likely the commander.
>Drones are floating about
>Wait, shit!
>The dome relies on perception!
>It doesn't work on non-living sensors!
"Crawk! Tau guy, the dome won't work against drones! We need to get cracking at this now!"
>"Ugh... as the bird says. I leave these tactical decisions to you, Tau man. Be quick about it, I believe the drones are drawing close to our location."
>I tap the rubrics to ready their bolters
>The tzaangors can smell the coming battle and raise their blades, forged on the planet of the sorcerers.
>I ready my psychic powers
Get on with it, you describe the battle
>be Misthil Weepfall, Eldar Farseer
>Spend six months working as hive toilet cleaner to get promotions
>finally cleaning planetary govenor's personal toilet
>leave small stone just outside governor's door
>he trips, is 8 seconds late to a meeting
>flee into the webway alone, leaving my contingent of 8 squads of guardians to die
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>Be me, Drathor
>The Last Crasher, The Problem Child
>And feth, I've been having a hard time moving about
>See with some rags over me, I look like just another one of the pilgrims or refugees walking through the streets of the city
>Most people are moving about, being directed by rebuilding efforts
>I could blend right in
>Were it not for the big chain axe I keep lugging around
>So to prevent some two-bit snitch from spotting me, and calling the arbites, or worse, I had to get creative
>Turns out strife in a community, no matter how many stupid speeches you give, leads to people willing to pull shifty shit
>Had to fork over most of my improvised Tyranid bits to some folks who liked to call themselves a 'cafe'
>In exchange I got a 'job' making some deliveries around town, and a small cart for my troubles
>Big enough to carry my axe and a few servings of their food
>Honestly not sure if I want any after seeing what else was being dragged into that shifty shop
>Can you even eat a Greenskin?
>Then again I lasted for who knows how long on servings of tyranids, served up specially with Sororitas Burning Promethium Sauce
>So I'm heading through the streets, start to see familiar sights
>No fething way....
>Spot what used to be my neighborhood
>Not a bad spot before some orks decided to turn it into a shooting gallery
>Against all odds, I can see that my old hab building is still standing
>One long elevator ride up gives me my answer
>Stumble into Unit 289-B
>Despite the clear draft from bullet holes in the wall, it's looking good
>Spot bed, intact
>Gently place axe down, tuck it in
>Head over to my old personal cogitation unit
>It's covered in dust, but hey, it's a old Canopy XP model
>Load on up Netscape, because suffering
>Decide to check my Faithbook, see what I've missed since I got shipped off to die.
>be me, Julius, ex factory worker
>and man, does this planet suck
>dont get me wrong, wasn't great before
>still was better before those bolter bitches showed up
>like, sure it was great at first, warmer days, got to see REAL space marines, they even got those green skeleton things to stop killing all my friends
>plus the sororitas are super hot
>like... damn
>turns out that they're fething crazy though
>one look at my pal Walter's lucky extra pinkie and they started screeching about mutants!
>only managed to avoid getting roasted since I'm so short, and they were kinda busy killing the rest of my friends
>now, I'm a good boy, always paid attention in schola, always said my prayers to the Emperor
>but what, these are our "most holy" protectors?
>I mean, it sucked, but what could I do? fight an entire order of bolt-happy zealots?
>so I ended up finding a home in the newly founded Angel's Landing
>grinds my gears to see those bitches getting praise
>the nude statue of their boss helped though
>and I started getting weird headaches, like it felt like my skull is fuzzy on the inside
>other than that, life went back to being pretty ok, got a new job in the city
>then the fething wedding happens
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>didn't see most of it, since I was hiding under the sturdiest hovel I could find
>what I DID see was a shit ton of bolter bitches knocking some Bigass... blood... mech... monster thing directly onto my hab block
>so I ended up squatting in this place that had most of a bed
>that is, until these big purple, four armed fethers started pouring out from underground and murdering everyone
>would have got me as well, but it turns out that I can make thing explode by thinking at them real hard
>fuzziness in my head turn into voices
>say I'm a sorcerer now, tell me they have plans for me
>lots of plans
>then I learn that not only was a sororitas leading the purple fethers, but that the boltor bitch bosses decided to feth of and get drunk while the rest of us were getting murdered
>ask the voices if the plans can include brainsploding some sisters
>quiet for a moment, hear some paper rustling
>but, like, in my brain
>they say yes
>voices start to give me directions
>time to see where this goes
sorry I took so long, commitments
>Be Shas'Vre
>looks like we've found the Shas'O
>and apparently the shield will go down if those drones get too close
>tell my warriors to prepare, what I'll do is run out and fire the first shot and then they will open fire from inside the dome
>this will confuse the Shas'O and then the dome will be lowered to show our larger force
>ooh thats a nice battlesuit
>I'll be taking that mr Shas'O
>anyway, what will happen is my retinue of pathfinders will apply marker lights to enable us to target our enemies easier
>enact plan in
>I rush out from under the cover seemingly out of nowhere and begin firing at some of the sept worlder T'au around the Shas'O
>They all turn around confused and start hurriedly firing back and try to figure out where I cam from
>my fire warriors begin opening fire
"keep the commanders suit in good condition I'm taking it from him"
>my pathfinders apply marker lights and at that point the dome goes down to reveal our men
>thanks psyker man
>at this his weird birdmen rush to the T'au warriors and begin to cut them down, with suspicious efficiency
>the other two marines also suddenly open fire, spewing flaming round from their weapons
>they're forces have been thinned greatly, shoot down one of the shield drones and continue on
>the sept worlders have stopped firing
>the Shas'O is surrendering to me
>well I'll be taking the battlesuit and any other shit you have
"I will be kind, go back to your ship and leave this planet telling your Ethereal what has happened here and who has bested you"
>thats that done, now we deal with the psyker next
>Be me Planetary Governess
>Babe asks me if he can purge the Admech from the planet
>You know, I kinda spend most of my economic and politc classes under desks that were not mine, but I am not that dumb
>And thats a good thing!
>No shut up and let me wash you
>Wake up next morning, still kinda dizzy
>Apparently Babe made some Anouncements about modesty
>While not a fan of the concept per se, I see the need, also what is greater then getting married by holy man and women of the emperor in a utmost holy church that was a bulwark against the foes of mankind on a holy shrineworld
>Also, I got a message from some higher Ranking AdMech Magos, but I missed the meeting.
>Well, why don't you come over to my house?
>Boy, I said this to often
>Also, some rather nasty package arrived. >Apparently it is some holocast device packaged in human skin
>So, what is this about?
>Be Fessus
>Well After yet another Instance of us Almost dying doing another ridiculous task in service to someone else shoved on us, we decided that to call that night a success and told Static to drive us back to the Boss
>I’m still not sure if he can understand us but he seemed to get the message and stsrted driving us back to their base
>I still dont understand why he would stick us with someone who cant speak Gothic
>especially considering that he’s supposed to be handling us, but we cant understand a word he says
>whatever, it works out better for us if we can “creatively” interpret orders
>And as long as someone can understand Gothic over there, they should be able to interrogate our prisoner
>We hadn't been able to grab the Dealers, but we did get our hands on one of the ganger negotiating with them
>according to Marcus he’s a Member of on of the Tartan Spire gangs, from back when there was a Tartan Spire
>They must have migrated here after the whole “Hive burning down” business
>anyways we get back to the fat Bastard to give him our loot
>Some Crates of Tau Tech, some Briefcases full of unmarked thrones, and one ductaped and very perturbed Tartan Ganger (slightly damaged)
“Well, boys, i have to say, not bad. I honestly didn’t expect you to come back all in one piece.”
>Gee thanks
>What’s he doing now?
“Here’s a litttle somethin-somethin fer services rendered, we’ll call when we need you again
>Wait...are we getting...paid?
“What? Dont look so surprised Fessie. Like i told you earlier, the Admech rewards good performance. Keep it up and keep your mouth shut, and there’ll be more where that came from”
>Fuck Yes!
>We’re actually getting paid again!
>you know maube i misjudged him
>This might the start of a beautiful partnership
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>Be me, The Best Seneschal in the Ecclesiarchy
>Have my drivers taking me over to the Cathedral in my favorite Excorcist. The Bishop wants me to evaluate some of the Sisters of Battle. After that Tyranid thing managed to get to his girl, he says he needs far more bodyguards.
>As far as assignments go, interviewing some of the more impressionable Bolter Bitches for a prestigious assignment doesn't sound bad.
>But I can't really enjoy the trip.
>Distracted by the fact that I'm probably going to get turned into a servitor over the really blatant Tau tech heresy.
>So I'm doing something I don't usually bother with. Praying.
>Emperor, send me a patsy I can blame this shit on.
>Emperor, I've done you some favors lately. I even saved that little prick Bishop and I'm barely skimming off the top of the coffers I'm filling.
>Emperor, seriously, I think you fuckin owe me one.
>Doubt it's going to work, so spend the rest of the trip looking out at this somehow growing city.
>See a bunch of the Bishop's lunatics all gathered around someone. They seem pretty mad.
>Poor little bastard probably sang a hymn wrong or maybe they just found out he knows how to read.
>Wait a second, is that guy... blue?
>And he looks like he's trying to actually reason with these morons.
>Have my guys stop the Exorcist and send some out to find out what's going on.
>I genuinely can't believe what they report.
>I guess all species have morons.
>The pint-sized pontiff has actually converted a xeno. A xeno that just so happens to be my ideal patsy.
>Order the mob to disperse in the name of the Bishop. Seems like we were just in time. Lucky for me these "holy warriors" had been debating whether it'd be more fun to have the xenos stretched or crucified.
>Help the little xeno back to his feet. Even speak some Tau from my days with the Rogue Trader.
>Baby, I'm going to make you a star.
>Be Lloyd
>Be forced into working for Admech now
>Although with the way Fessus is acting now you’d never be able to tell
>Once he found out that we were getting paid for this you could practically see the Throne signs in his eyes
>Cant blame him too much though, it’s been ages since we got aome actual money
>Anyways, apparantly some Gangers are causing trouble for Businesses under Admech protection down in the titan quarter
>Since letting this continue would make Admech look weak and feeble, we’re being end to go take care of ‘em
>when we got there, we found these towel-headed punks trying to firebomb an electronics store.
>They weren’t havin much luck, but considering that they had brought a truck full of ‘em it was only a matter of time before it started to burn
>we were going to try and scare them off with a couple Drive-by’s
>Unfortunately for everyone involved, Static nust have misinterpreted that as Drive throughs.
>Freakin nutjob.
>After some of the Gangers unwillingly gave our van a new red paintjob, the survivors stsrted piling in their truck and booking it, swearing at us in some gobledegook dialect of low Gothic.
>When we went in to check on the Store owner, he was less grateful than we expected
“I pay Casanostra a hundred thrones a week tithes, and all he sends to protect me are a bunch of Cosplaying Guardsman and some fresh-off-the-ship Skitarii?! Is this some kind of fuckin joke?!”
>“Fessus’s Admech Clown service, here to make you laugh and smile. We do weddings and Birthday parties, and a little pest control on the side”
“Quit jokin around you smug smartass, you just stirred up the Hornet’s nest. Once they tell their friends what you just did, they’re gonna be coming back in full force.”
>”Who the Hell are those jack offs anyways?”
“The local Tallarn gang that controls this piece of shit neighborhood. They call themselves the Emperor’s Towel. A while ago during the clusterfucking, this planet got some Tallarn Guard troops, and their survivors started making friends some of the more radical Pilgrims and Crusaders. I mean the ones too nutty for our Bishop’s crusade, level of psycho’s.
“Geez they sound like a nasty bunch. What did you to make them so angry?”
“Nothing beyond exist kid. These fuckin Lunatics have killed people for everything from religious differences to refusing to take expired coupons. They aren't too keen on variations of the Imperial Cult, and that goes doubly so for Admech. Once you Piss them off, they wont stop until you’re six feet under”
“Shit! Alright, Marcus, Lloyd, start building barricades out of whatever you can find. Decarus come with me and help me get the big guns out of the van. Sir, do you have any weapons?”
“I’m a shop owner in the Titan quarter, of course I'm packin heat?”
“Great, get your self armed. Oh, and do you think you could lend Static a gun too? I dont think his laspistol’s gonna cut it.”
“Get us out of this alive and ill even let him keep it, come on you bucket of bolts let’s get you a piece
>He screeches something at Static in that Binary and he starts followin him down to the basement
>Emprah dammit what have we gotten ourselves into now!
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>be Solitaire of the Misted Path Troupe
>movement in the tunnels up ahead
>awww yiss
>finally something that's not malnourished men'keigh slave workers
>time to shine
>chittering mon'keigh tyranid hybrids stream past, gibbering about their dumb emperor
>I could be that happy too if I believed a bunch of made up bullshit
>or that popular if I was chemically bonded to a bunch of other stupid normies
>faggot cheaters
>fucking die
>why are they all wearing veils and frilly black robes?
>is this the power of mon'keigh fashion?
>spring our ambush while they're occupied with dragging some normal mon'keigh assturds away, probably for lewd shit
>go in swinging as soon as the normies on my team unleash a hail of longrifle fire
>tear through them like kroot cock through dripping ranger slut-pussy
>yeah that's right, fear my forbidden power
>this is the best
>bigger, tyranidier mon'keigh draws four of his crude chainswords and snarls something
>probably something like "die die slut-thing" or whatever
>i was waiting for this, I already know what to say
>"you first", right? it's gotta be that, shit's classic
"y-you too!"
>you too
>Y O U T O O
>murder everything with extreme prejudice
>did the rest of my team notice?
>nobody's saying anything
>are they ignoring it out of pity?
>just kill me
>Be me, Juris Magos Anthony Cosanostro
>Hold up a hand to stop the Canoness, while I focus on a transmission in my ear from Sil. Something about a Colonel.
"Tell him I like to do favors, but I need to know what he can do for me."
>Turn my attention back to the Canoness.
>Tell her she's misunderstood why I thought we should get together.
>What I want for this planet is gonna happen regardless.
>Tell her it must be lonely in the Sororitas.
>Tell her a body like that shouldn't be wasted locked away in some Cathedral
>We all have responsabilities we'll have to get back to.
>But I can how her how to relax
>Tell her the machine spirit in the shuttle might be acting up.
>And the weather is pretty bad planet side
>Tell her there's plenty of room in my bed.
>Be Matriarch Cecilia of the Genestealers
>Running my little church
>Feeding the hungry
>Running homeless shelters
>Becoming a part of the community.beloved
>Not even welcoming that many peoples into the Family at this point
>Only really doing it for horrible people
>That way, when their behavior drastically changes we can claim they repented their sinful ways
>This church plan is actually going pretty great
>Hell, we're actually getting some funds from the bishop at this point
>I think he just sends money to any church that exists.spreadingthefaith
>But then, I feel the pain of my children dying below
>And not just low hybrids kept below
>Brood Siblings and fourth generation hybrids as well
>Almost the entire group is dead by way of an insane laughing eldar
>Two survivors managed to get away though
>With a nice catch, one of the same xenos that attacked them
>Very proud of them
>Being able to slip away with a captive in that situation
>They're going to both get gold star stickers
>They're waiting in the hidden sub-basement now
>Going down.stairs
>Very well hidden
>I mean, seriously, you actually need four arms to open it
>Best security
>Best for my babies
>The eldar is hogtied on the ground
>Spitting curses
>Mon'keigh this and mon'keigh that
>Hey, intolerance isn't allowed in this family
>But don't worry, mommy still loves you
>I plant a deep loving kiss on the eldar's mouth
>He screams, writhes, and squirms as I work my ovipositor down his throat, depositing my gene altering seed within him
>His eyes glaze over, followed by a new fire being lit into them
>Welcome to the Family son.RE7
>I cut his bindings and he gets up and hugs me
>He tells me all about his horrible life before the family
>The restrictive life of the craftworlds
>The horrors of battle
>The loss
>He tells it all
>I tell him that mommy is here for him now
>No more path system for you
>No more worrying about your soul being eaten by Slaanesh
>Because you're home.adoption
>Be Warboss 'Ead-Krumpa
>One day dis purple kommado git shows up at me Krooza
>Talkin' bout a propa foight to be 'ad in dis humie world
>Feh, just a humie world? Dey ain't got 'nuff 'ead fer me Bionik 'And, Leftie, ta krump
>Might as well krump dis git's 'ead, Leftie's itchin mighty bad
"...an' last I heard them Ty-roo-nid bugs wuz there, too!"
>Get all me nobs togetha
>Weird-Dok Gutpoker, Flash Nob Fiddy-Teef, an' Big Mek Krom-Dom crash into me offis'
>oh, and dat Grotmando Dakkafilcha, 'e ain't a nob but 'e keeps poppin' up to these meetin's
>dat grot be mukkin' about but I won't krump 'im, 'e's too useful when inna foight
>I sez we go onna WAAAGGGHHH!
>Erryone agrees, tell Krom ta fire up da enjuns
>Leftie can't wait to krump some bug 'eads
>heard dem bugs called 'Jean Filchas' have some mighty big 'eads
>I leave my new son in the basement to get acquainted with his brothers and sisters
>Damn, he's added a lot of power to the web
>He DID walk the path of the seer in the past, so that makes sense
>Hopefully he can breed with some of his sisters
>Because they would produce babies with great psychic potential
>do it for grandma.incest
>I get back to my office above, put on my most faithful priestess voice, and place a call to the Bishop
>"Oh most glorious Bishop sir, we of the Church of the God-Emperor's Arms require your assistance. A group of homeless petitioners in the sewers were brutally slaughtered by foul and deceitful xenos, Eldar I believe, if one of my petitioners who used to be a guardsman is correct. Please your holiness, I beg of you, send help to cleanse this filth from our xenos!"
>I'm pretty good at faking that
>Did it a shit ton in the Schola
>Yes teacher, I AM dedicated to the God-Emperor
>Why did you ask that every fucking day.
>Whatever, my past before daddy found me doesn't matter
>Psychically contact my children underground
>Tell them that mommy's called some fumigators to clean the sewers, and that they need to leave the house for awhile.
>Some go deeper, digging into the tunnels created by burrowing tyranids months ago
>Some leave the sewers and hide in the barren and empty ruins to the city's south side
>One group leaves Angel's Landing entirely, taking one of the pure strains with them.
>Always remember kids, Mommy loves you very much
>Be Decarus
>Be standing behind barricade, waiting for the gangers to make their assault
>I always hate this part.
>The wating that is.
>I mean, yeah, it’s not scary or dangerous as the actual fighting, but it always makes me nervous
>Like, there’s not fighting, but you cant enjoy it because you know it’s going to end at any second,
>Hear shouting and the sound of trucks
>Looks like they’re finally coming.
>A bunch of Trucks start rushing in, towel-headed gangers hanging out the sides
>They’ve got Pulse rifles too
>Man why does everyone else get better stuff than us?
>The first one gets blown up by a Krak missle from Fessus,
>the second explodes after a Plasma shot from Marcus hit’s something volatile in the engine
>Some of the Trucks collide with the wreckage and force the drivers out.
>Most of them drive around it though.
>Man that’s a lot of trucks
>At least Thirty still left
>Some of them are stopping and letting out gangers
>A few of them try and charge but most get gunned down either by us, or sniped by the store owner and Static on the roof
>apprantly he had some Arc rifles hidden away, and Static’s not a half bad shot
“Yeahahaaa! Get fried ya towelheaded bastards! This is what happens when you mess with Joshua’s hardware store!”
>The few who manage to get close get their faces punched in by Phil.
>Some of them try and drive closer to us
>They get their Tires poped by the makeshift spike Traps marcus rigged up however, forcing them to get out and fight.
>there’s still alot of them who were smart and stayed back to shoot though
>And Even the missed Pulse shots are still destorying our barricades
>If this keeps up there might not even be a store left to defend
“Decarus, i think it’s about time for the Coup de Grace, dont you?”
>”The what?”
“The Detpacks Decarus, The Detpacks!”
>Oh right
>look at the large abandoned building they’ve all been corralled to stand in front of.
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>be me, Archon Dathram
>be on my ass again
>sipping that "rot gut" Kent brews
>hard shit, tastes awful but damn I can't feel my tounge
>faster than last time the mon'keigh appears around th corner
"Yeah boss?"
>grimace but realize I must say this
"Your brew is... acceptable."
>the idiot smiles like a kid who just got a gold star
>might as well have for all intents and purposes
>turn back to the planet below
>face inches away from that mandrake from before
>if I were a lesser man, I'd have reacted
>but I'm use to this shit
"Thank you, er... mandrake."
>give him a cookie and he fucks off
>his return means his job is done
>finish off the cup of rot gut
>temporarily go numb
>slap myself awake and activate the holo com
>this should be fun
>greeted with the startled face of the whore daughter of the former governor
>I think I fucked her at some point
>not 100% sure though
"Ah, dear hostesss. How very nice to speak with you! You know, your father and I were associates at one point, when I heard he passed I made all due haste to arrive here."
>not a total lie
>mostly came to fuck with them but I guess I should renew the deal
>however this ends, it should stave off the boredom for now
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>Be Tau Water Caste
>Recently converted to worship of the god emperor
>Because why not? It's not like my live can get worse.
>Started to have regrets when a mob started beating me for being blue
>It's not easy being blue.frog
>But then this cool guy in an armored vehicles saves me
>Says he admires my dedication to the god emperor
>He even gave me food!
>I praise the god emperor for the meal
>I've been eating moss and cockroaches for a month
>He even knows of my culture and species!
>Be Weird-Dok Gutpoker
>Belly's been 'avin dis weird feelin' as we get close to da humie world da Boss said we're gonna krump
>I shoulda know, Belly's da squig I stitched to me gut
>makes eatin' a whole lot faster
>but I doi-gresh
>take a peek from da Krooza windo'
>look at all dem ships!
>humie ships, blue git ships, panzee git ships, spiky humie ships, oh my
>no wonder Belly's giddy
>'e wants ta taste of all dem meats, don'tcha boy?
>oop, we gonna pass by dat big panzee ship
>I bet Fiddy-Teef gonna fire some dakka their way
>pet Belly a bit to calm it down
>be Canoness
>and I laugh
>just laugh
>no woman gets to my position without knowing the precise tone to deflate a man's ego
>though deflating this human dirigible might take some extra effort
>it's typical
>leave a man in a position where he can have whatever he wants for long enough, and he starts to mistake his station's appeal for his own
>brush his disgusting appendage off my thigh forced with a powered gauntlet
>get up
>tell him to thank the chef for a lovely meal, but I'd really rather not do it again soon
>head for the shuttle
>he could have it "malfunction" on that way back to the planet, certainly
>shuttle crashes happen all the time
>or he could make good on his "tech heresy" threats
>but I know he won't
>without enough support in the system, removing me would do more harm than good for his goals
>he'll be courting favor with other Imperials, angling against me and the local government
>which means I'll likely have to do the same
>killing things with a storm bolter and screaming at bitches who aren't killing enough things of their own is the entirety of my job description
>if I wanted to play politics I wouldn't have joined a fucking Order Militant
>but the God-Emperor chooses our battles for us
>the Mechanicus isn't satisfied with getting what they're due from Stercus Ludicrum
>they want the whole thing for themselves
>it's a shame that fat fuck Cosanostro hasn't been here long enough to understand that this isn't a scenario where he can win, even if he beats me
>either I'll crush him, or the planet will
>Be me, Drathor
>Be The Last Crasher, The Problem Child
>Turns out even after everything that's happened, Tyranid Invasions, Ork Rampages, Chaos Corruption, Faithbook is still shit
>I swear to God, if I see another 'Like and Share if you love our Boys in The Guard, ignore if you're a heretic' posts, I'm going to have a headache
>Atleast it's good for somethings
>Managed to piece together what's trending right now
>The Church of The Four-Armed Emperor is getting good publicity, notice a lot of people praising it's work down in the lower levels.
>Apparently they've sent me a group invite
>Also see from some posts that someone must have switched some 0s and 1s, because The AdMech is actually AdMech-ing
>Nearby explosion momentarily distracts me, but let's face it, there's always something going on here
>Bishop has seemingly started doing multiple daily PSAs, which are, of course, getting lovely reviews by all the people
>This means, however, that he's holing up inside his personal estate
>Now, let it not be said that I'm abandoning my revenge quest
>But I'm not suicidal, and storming a Governor's complex with only a chain axe seems pretty bleak
>I'll need to load up on somethings first
>So that's why I'm out here, on the streets
>Well I guess above them now
>Figured from the AdMechposting, that there's some guys in town that are dealing in what they shouldn't be
>Went out, cracked a few skulls
>Figured out that there's an entire market for illegal contraband floating around
>And now, I'm going to try and steal from it
>Can't be worse then genestealers, right?
>Heard the Tartan Spire gangs are showing up with some more exotic gear then a rusted knife and busted stubber
>Not a bad place to start axing some questions
>Don't worry, I'm sure they will
>Be Xerxes, sorcerer of the Thousand Sons
>With the help of this tau guy, we just killed a bunch of other tau
>The tzaangors are eating their kills
>"Yes, they eat their kills. You have those kroot things that do the same, yes?"
>The tau has sent the enemy commander back to the enemy ships and taken control of his battle suit.
"Crawk! Given that the enemy was in the process of fortifying this position, I recommend that we finish what they started and take it for ourselves. As Tzneetch says, finders keepers!"
>"It is as my bird head says. It is becoming night, and we have walked all and fought bravely. Time to rest."
>The tau seems to begrudgingly agree and orders his men to begin fortifying their position.
>Later, I deign to tell the Tau of greater things
>"The warp is truly a magnificent thing, it is a great sadness that your species has such a weak connection to it. And yes, you do have a connection. Every living thing does, even some particularly advanced machines."
"Crawk! And in the warp there resides four gods, beings of great power and psychic energy! The one that we follow is the god Tzneerch, master of magic and lord of fate and change! Through him, we receive more power on top of our personal abilities! Ha ha! And you could too!"
>"What the bird head says is true. Even tough you have no ability and no presence with the warp, the gifts of Tzneentch could grant them to you."
>I subtly weave the warp into my words. Just a pinch. It would barely even be noticeable to a psyker.
>If this manages to push the Tau over the edge, then it's just the push I needed
>If it doesn't, then it simply is a further ease towards future corruption.
>If you plan for everything
>Everything is.justasplanned
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>Be me, the Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>Pretty worn out from spending the night with my wife.
>We've been married for awhile now, but she still manages to constantly surprise me. She's such a pure soul but she's got moves I've never even heard of.
>Likely more divine inspiration from the Emperor, rewarding me for all of my amazing accomplishments.
>Spend several hours dictating my response to the Ad Mech.
>The Governess says I can't purge them and laid out a bunch of important sounding reasons why.
>She is so smart.
>They always said I was smart, but I had trouble paying attention to the finer details. I'd pay attention at the beginning, but I'd usually get distracted thinking about The Emperor, Miracles, and Fire.
>Plus I got really good at drawing pictures of my Aquila birthmark and pictures of Sisters of Battle admiring my Aquila.
>And a lot of my tutors would get distracted listening to me talk about The Emperor and my Aquila, so the progenum kept having to replace them.
>Have my lengthy response sent to the Ad Mech. Removed the direct threats of purging them so mostly just suggested the Omnissiah is heresy, urged them to convert, and warned them that heresy is punished by The Emperor.
>Also dictate some correspondance for the Canoness.
>Tell her that given the recent attack on the governess I need some additional Sisters of Battle guarding us.
>Brigitte would be great, since we'd probably get along given that she's a Living Saint and I was chosen by the Emperor.
>But, if we need to spread the two most blessed people out, then some combination of Terese, Charlotte, and Lydia would be fine. Not that one that calls me "little guy" though.
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>Also tell the Canoness that some correspondance from one of the smaller churches has come through.
>Apparently there are Eldar killing people in the Underhive.
>Since I know some Sisters were taken by the Eldar, suggest they might want to take the lead with some of my crusaders as back up.
>Go down to check on Sargent Thorn and his marines.
>Generally not a big fan of marines since they usually just steal, fall to chaos, or try to eat me but these guys are great.
>Know I can trust them after the Emperor sent them to help me with those Chaos Marines.
>Since Thorn's men started showing up to sermons, the faithful have reached a whole new level of dedication and holy fanaticism.
>Seeing one of the Emperor's Angels of Death at a sermon is apparently rare, though I can't figure out why.
>Also like having them around given how close that Tyranid got to my wife.
>Off them expanded accomodations on the Mansion grounds. Love the fortifiction they've done.
>Have to send the decorators I kept from my Wedding Planner core to make it appropriately Ecclesiarchal though.
>Then I get back to recording more PSAs to broadcast throughout the city.
>Then I play with my flamer.
>Then I execute a couple of heretics
>Wish the Governess didn't have to do so much governing now.
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>be Palatine Sara
>had a tough couple of days
>dropped that Patriarch bastard in open combat
>sent a shining silver bullet into each of his eyes
>doves flying, Golden Light battle choir playing
>sent a reminder to everyone exactly who I am in full view of the defenders
>and then rushed straight to the commode and stayed there
>the Tears of the Emperor beat out that gene-transfer garbage in my stomach, but it was a Pyrrhic victory
>learned a Kama Sutra's worth of positions somebody can use to interact with a toilet
>it was a rough ride
>and worse, the traitor got away
>the Sisters Hospitaler wanted to hold me longer, but I want to get back out there
>the Emperor's justice manifests itself in me, I'm not some waif on her sickbed
>between the Red Templars and the Sisters of the Black Sepulchre, clearing the undercity is well in hand
>but Angels' Landing isn't the planet
>order my bike made ready
>pick six of my best Sisters
>leave Marisol in charge, doubt the Canoness missed me much anyway
>ride out of the gates
>plenty outside the walls waiting on the Emperor's generosity and the Emperor's judgement
>and I won't be remiss in providing it
>Be me, Drathor
>The Last Crasher, The Problem Child
>I’ve spotted the men I’ve been looking for
>Been climbing up the side of this rubble for half a fething hour
>Inside what used to be an old vehicle depot, sits a group of men
>I count maybe ten, could be twelve, all sitting in a corner
>Can’t imagine this is the whole gang
>Looks like they are waiting for someone
>And by the way I can see them pacing, it’s been some time
>Wonder what’s got their kilts in a twist
>Scamper along what used to be a steel walkway, keeping as quiet as I can
>Hear them cursing and talking amongst themselves
>They must be speaking some strange dialect because I can’t understand a thing they are saying
“Haud yer wheesht, McClane, I’m loused a plenty of this shite.”
>Trying to figure out a way I can take down a dozen armed men with just my axe, when I spot something that makes me grin
>Creep along the walkway until I spot a piece of what used to be the ceiling, lying upon the metal
>Place my axe aside, and get into a good stance
>Then push
>Starts slow, but the big ass piece of rubble comes loose
>Feel as it starts dropping, before giving it a last shove
>Look on down in time to see the mess
>Well I mean, a good five of them got hit with the rubble
>Not a bad start
>Pick up my axe, while they are still freaking out
>Kick up the engine
>Only takes a few cuts, before my bit of walkway is falling
>Five soon becomes eight
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>Be Clank Eastcog, Skitarii Alpha
>Outside of Angels Landing is a desert
>To be fair, it isn't particularly weird that there'd be a desert outside of a place constantly on fire
>But really, you'd expect things like plains of ash and such
>Not rocky, sandy, hot deserts.
>With cacti
>Fucking Terran cacti
>We checked.
>There are Omnissiah loving Terran cacti in the deserts surrounding Angel's Landing
>Fucking Terra doesn't have terran cacti
>And this was an ice world not too long ago
>Seriously this desert makes no sense to be here
>My guess is that Nercon guy, Trayzn the Infinite, put it here.
>According to reports, he once stole a cache of pre-dark age pic recordings containing "westerns"
>I believe this is the result
>I've watched some of those myself
>It just makes this weirder and supports my hypothesis
>And now I'm guarding the earth dredgers, these big idiot servitor things that graze about and extract resources
>I feel like a fucking grox rancher right now
>Or one of those cowboys from the old pic feeds
>The latter is being supported by the fact that one of the Skitarii under my command has given me a cowboy hat
>I don't even know where he found it
>But wearing it increases morale, so I'm keeping it on
>But thank the Omnissiah we don't have horses.
>That would just complete this ridiculous and anachronistic picture
>And then I see some Sisters of Battle on motor cycles, all dressed like the gun slingers from the old pic recordings.
>The Universe has lost its mind
>Be me, Planetary Governess
>Apparently it was some Dark Eldar Nugget who callled me.
>Fucking hypoctrites, torturing, raping and drinking all day but don't have the spine to go trough and give Slaanesh their Soul
>Fucking Pansies, I mean, not that I worship Slaanesh anymore, but seriously
>It truly is how babe allways says.
>The only difference between a traitor and a hertic is the level of ignorance
>Tell him that if he wants someone to sell his "toys" to again, why he doesn't do it with the genestealers, they seem to have a shtick for deepthroathing extra spiky stuff.
"Eat Slaaneshs Multidimensiol Dick, Knivear"
>End Call
>I am not that kind of girl anymore
I fear, I just can write again tomorrow, got a shitton of work on my nightshift
>Be me, The Best Seneschal in the Ecclesiarchy
>And my ass is officially saved.
>Initially catch some flack from my drivers and attendants about defiling a holy Excorcist by bringing a xeno onboard, but I've gotten good at fast talking these morons.
>Get the little fella cleaned up and fed. Drop a couple hints about prophecy.
>Carefully start extracting info from him. Get his name and his life story.
>Play him like a game of cards. Sprinkle in some interested looks, a little shock at certain parts, and ask some questions that lead him into half way creating some memories over a few hours.
>Start talking about The Aquila and explain what it is. Drop another hint or two about prophecy.
>Start explaining his life back to him through that lens. Explain through lies, half truths, and the memories that I've helped clarify that it seems like...
>It seems like the Holy Aquila may have been appearing to him throughout his life. He was led here by the Aquila.
>Very strange. What could this mean?
>Be Tau Water Caste
>Savior is talking to me a lot about the "Aquila"
>He says that it has lead me to it
>I don't actually know what that is, so he shows me one
>Oh, it's the imperium's two-headed eagle thing
>You know, I actually have seen that around a lot
>It's absolute plastered across the city
>Heck, my name even translates to "Water Caste Two Eagle".
>Roughly, I mean.
>The reason I got named that was because of my birthmark
>Savior gets weirdly excited and asks to see it
>I kind of don't want to
>It is in an embarrassing place.blush
>He insists
>Okay then
>I show him my birthmark, situated just above my left buttock.
>It is a perfectly shaped and proportioned Imperial Aquila.
>It looks like a fucking tattoo
>I assure him that it's not a tattoo, and that I've had it since I was born
>He gets a weird look at his face.
>be me, Priestess Medeth Absinthium
>talk to the arbites some on the way, apparently I'm still on the same planet, only the climate changed
>oh, and the current governess was one of the fancypants in my cult, now married to a bishop
>that could be useful for blackmail if nothing else, but she might have been brainwashed, must be careful
>finally arrive at the cathedral
>some battledamage, lots of burning xenos corpses, but no live ones
>give the arbites a kiss on the cheek, then slip away and into the cathedral
>pretend to be empty-headed priestess of a not-too-distant congregation from outside the city
>spend some time making up stories and gathering rumours, make a note of few Sisters of the Ermine Mantle that come up
>make my way towards their part of the cathedral, spot a Sister and start gushing about how Sister Terese saved my life and how I'd like to thank her personally
>Be me, Drathor
>The La-
>Hear what can only be described as a howling that sounds like what I'd imagine a genestealer/dark eldar hybrid would make if it was being tortured
>Nearly drop my axe right then and there, before I hear a voice
>Turn around
>There is a man coming right at me
>He is small, shorter then me
>But he's big
>He's /fit/
>Like I've seen greenskins look less roided up
>So here I am watching as this little troll comes running up to me, screaming what I can only assume are obscenities
>Like I said, just nonsense
>But he's getting awfully close, and holding a big ass sword
>I bring up my axe, engaging it's teeth
>I figure I can just cut thro-
>As I'm collecting myself, I see him coming in strong again
>He's still shouting at me
>I'm still confus-
>Then I notice
>That sword he's got
>It's really fething big
>Because it's not meant for a mortal
>This crazy fether has a Space Marine's sword
>He's noticed my staring
>Does this man have only one volume?
>Well atleast I am on the right track to finding that contraband
>The god awful music is still playing
>Be me, The Best Seneschal in the Ecclesiarchy
>The con is going even better than expected. Its like he's as dumb as The Bishop but without the full blown psychosis, delusions of grandeur, and flamer.
>When he goes to show me this birthmark of his, use my quick hands to stash a small broken drone controller on him.
>Huh, look at that. He even got an Aquila tatoo.
>The fact that he claims its a birthmark could work. Am I that good or is this xeno full on insane?
>Act shocked and awed by the whole story.
>Apologize to the little guy for the people that roughed him up. Explain that the people here must be vigilant because of all the threats aligned against us.
>Say how lucky it is I found him. That wasn't even my route. Almost like I was guided there.
>You know... this could explain something.
>Ask him if he was there during the fight with the Tyranids. Ask him if he saw that big monsterous one.
>Make sure I ask all of this loud enough for my attendants to hear.
>Though, even if I do work this little guy just right I still have the other little guy to worry about.
>His first reaction is going to be the same as it always is. He'll just want to set Two-Eagles here on fire.
>Fuck, the "birthmark" may even piss him off more.
>Im going to have to figure out a way to sell the Tau dipshit to the Bishop dipshit in such a way that it appeals more to his delusions and arrogance than it does to his insane bloodlust.
>Gonna have to make the idea of converting a xeno sound more holy than burning a xeno.
>Which, given the creepy look he has in his eye when I catch him staring at fire is going to be a bitch.
>But hey, if he couldn't be tricked he wouldn't be married
>Savior seems to be getting excited
>He asks about the massive genestealer creature
>I explain that I was crushed by its falling severed arm, but managed to miraculously survive
>And that before that I had been hit by some sort of APC at high speed and miraculously survived
>And before that I'd miraculously survived a shuttle crash
>And that after surviving the falling arm I miraculously survived several other incidents
>Including landmines, falling buildings, and fires
>Oh, and also being trampled by genestealers
>And space marines
>And a dog
>I ask my savior if I can have a bath
>be me, Julius, Sorcerer I guess
>be following the voices
>they way they all talk at once kind of makes them slur like Walter used to do when he was drunk
>I miss Walter
>I should call the voices Walter
>"so where're we headed Walter?"
>I dont think walter likes his new name
>says we're headed to the dead chaos titan, explains that's the big fether that dropped on my hab block
>specifically one of its legs
>Walter says its where a bunch of blood ravens died, given the number of librarians they have, there should be some psychic-foci there
>dont know what half of that means
>Walter says were going to pick over some dead bodies for stuff that makes me better at brainsploding people
>dunno about that, I'm pretty great at that already
>Walter says this will unlock new applications of my biomantic powers
>Walter sighs
>Walter says i might be able to grow my missing finger back if i do it
>can I get a lucky extra pinkie like old Walter had?
>Walter's quiet for a bit, figure he's checking
>sounds disappointed, but he says I can
>that'll show those boltor bitches
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>be me, Archon Dathram
>be somewhat annoyed
>no hello? Rude
"Well, that was a waste of time."
>1 hour of my life I'm never getting back
>were I a lesser man, I would be wrathful
>I would sack the planet and burn everything
>well, what isn't already burning
>but I am not a lesser man
>I do not get mad, I get even
>and I plan to get even
>though her plan to anger me is commendable
>what to do, what to do...
>several refugee settlements dot the landscape a good distance from the main city
>but raiding them would definitely bring attention
>especially if they have distress beacons
>I need a distraction
>like magic, I have one
>the mon'keigh, already standing next to me, replies fast
"Yeah boss?"
"Go alert Trueborn Gazan an his pack. Tell them to board one of the ork ships, and try and crash it just outside the city."
>the mon'keigh gives me a salute and runs off
>two things will come of this
>I get my distraction, and I might lose an annoying usurper
>win win
>a few moments later boarding pods launch out of the side of one of the lesser vessels and streak towards an ork ship
>sigh to myself
>time to get off my ass and do something
>the Mon'keigh bounds back into the room
"Yeah Boss?"
"Go ready the tantalus for combat, were going raiding."
>leave the throne room and grab my gear
>maybe this trip wasn't a bad idea
>Be me, Anthony Cosanostro
>Send the Canoness like the gentleman I fuckin am. Make sure she gets home safe.
>Its too bad she didn't decide to stay. The Sororitas must really turn girls lesbian. Or maybe they just cause they're lesbian.
>Whichever it is, the poor girl missed out. I'll send Trissy down planet side later to gather up some local talent and make sure they're clean.
>During our little meeting I got a response from this Bishop.
>He's every bit the hard-on I'd heard he was.
>Its actually gonna be fun teaching this little prick respect.
>But, first things first.
>Tell my guys to get in touch with that Colonel. I'll take that meeting after all.
>Send new correspondence to the Commissar and the Other Commissar. Suggest that I'm worried about the stability of the Planetary government.
>Specifically tell him the Bishop keeps accusing me of being a heretic.
>Respond to the Planetary Governess saying I think a meeting would be a great idea, but I'm worried coming to the mansion would only further inflame her husband.
>Say he keeps ravin about heresy, and I hope after we meet she can help me make peace with him. Suggest we should meet secretly so he doesn't get mad.
>At least I know this one ain't a lesbo.
>Finally shift my focus to my new favorite lackeys.
>These fuckin mooks have actually been getting shit done. Half expected them to die early, but figured it'd be good experience for Vusio either way.
>Alter some of my plans for them. Want them to avoid fuckin with The Guard too hard for now.
>First I gotta see who wants to be pals.
>Be Phil
>Be picking my self off the floor
>The fact that I am able to do so and not buried under two tons of rebar is a good sign
>That means the store is still standing
>However the dust is much less welcome
>there’s too much to see anyhting through
>*cough* *cough* “Hello? Is Everyone alright?”
>a chorus of pained moans and coughs provides my answer
*cough* “Did we get them Guys? Did we win?”
“I dunno Decarus, I can’t see shit through all this bloody dust.”
>A blessed wind blows through, revealing the scene of carnage before us
>Every one has a few minor wounds, but nothing mortal.
>The collapsing of the building wreaked havoc in the are of us in front of us.
>The Road was a mess of rubble, destroyed vehicles, and broken bodies
>It’s highly unlikely anyone could have survived that
>Oh it appears to be the storekeep Joshua
>He looks a dust covered and scraped up, but none too worse for wear
“What, you mean saved your whiny ass?
“Saved me!? YOU’VE RUINED ME! You dragged me into your crazy fuckin gang war! You’ve turned my store into a warzone! And Look at what you've done to the road! Do you know how long that’ll take to get cleared!? How am I supposed to get Business now!?”
>”Now sir, this may seem bad, but I implore you, look on the Bright side. With the anount we killed here, it’s doubt fell there are any left to eventry and exact revenge.”
“...Just. Get. Out. Before you destroy any more of my property.”
“Can Static still keep the Gun?”
*Hopeful(?) beeping noises*
>Be Ethereal
>Be lounging about with my hot "secretaries" of the various castes
>That Shas'O is back
>Man, they worked fast
>Wait, what?
>You fucking failed!
>And some Enclave fuckers did it!
>Fuck you ya Shas'O
>You're a Shas'La now
>Actually, fuck it, you're going to scrub floors
>I call up my assistant.
>No quotation marks on that statement
>I tell him to promote somebody to a new Shas'O
>He says nobody's qualified.
>Wait, isn't one of my bitches a commander?
>Oh yeah, this one
>I tell her that's she's a commander again
>Go fourth with all force to conquer the planet and all that.
>She leaves
>All that combat could ruin her figure
>She had one of the most rockin' bods
>Now I'm, just filled with frustration
>Then suddenly this purple chick with a crap hand is here!
>She says she that she's sent by some "Slaanesh" thing
>Says that Slaanesh is totally into all the shit I'm doing
>Well, at least somebody appreciates me
>Says that they're willing to help in whatever way they can to make this place my personal pleasure planet
>Go on.gettingintresting
>Be Original Commissar
>On the fifth day of campaign outside the city to see what the fuck the Tau are doing
>At least that was the original purpose before some surreal bullshit started happening again
>For some reason, the area outside the city turned into a classic Terran desert the day I left
>Then there was that instance where that Tarzyan Necron decided to drop some of his "collection" near us
>By that I mean fucking wraith lords and some Horus Heresy era Salamanders
>As expected that area is now on fire, again
>Then our armored columns encountered a Nid forest. No really an entire forest made up of Nid biomass and from the few surviving New Guardfags that decided it would be fun to explore, that Jungle if filled to the brim with Nids and Catachan fighters
>Fucking Catachan fighters, savages are probably enjoying living among xenos.
>After that we got news over the vox that the Admech representative from earlier tried to seduce the Canoness
>Other me kinda looked mad at first but then started laughing his ass off with the rest of us when we saw the details of what happened
>What followed was said representative contacting us about how he feared that the government was unstable and how the Bishop kept complaining about him being a warp spawn
>Guy must be oblivious to the previous administration
>He also went on some weird rant about the Sisters being to gay to see his true majesty
>Decided it was good time to subtly move the what is defiantly not wholesome yuri collection out of the vox feed
>After assuring about not being part of some tech heresy we finally encountered the Tau
>They were surprisingly, really bad
>They didn't even notice that we were flanking them with tanks after drawing them into a fire fight, and we probably didn't even need the tanks since somehow the Newfag Guards were beating them at long range
>Then after capturing one of the Tau we learned why they sucked
>Turns out they are being commanded by a whore for their Ethereal
>Fucking KEK
>Be Admech Mook Fessus
>and proud of it
>Okay, well, I'm not really proud of working for these guys
>They’re pretty damn shifty, treat us as expendable, and probably wouldn't Hesitate to have is servitored at the slightest screw up
>But to be fair, the same could said for most other people around here
>What I am proud of is all this Money i’m making us
>I mean seriously, i had no idea being a pawn for a ruthless, selfish bastard could pay so well!
>And i’m in the guard for crying out loud!
>and it’s not even like he’s having us doing anything particularly reprehensible,
>All we’re doing is taking out other criminals
>It’s downright Civic service in fact.
>The others aren't exactly as keen on it, especially Phil
>But they’ll come around, once they see how great it is to be rollin around kn the dough.
>Anyway, since our Surprise entrance on their Deal, the Tau tech dealers have become much more recluse and cautious
>So to drive them out into the open, we’re gonna have to hit them where it hurts the most
>Their wallets
>Since we already virtually wiped out the Emperor’s Towel gang, the next on our list of known Buyers are the Tartans
>Apparantly, back in this planet’s more peaceful days, they used to be bunch of small time hive gangs who drank excessive amounts of booze and fought each other for control of their spire, like short, pale, orcs
>But after Brook-hive fell, someone rose up like the Big E himself started gathering all their remnants and beating them into submission under his banner,
>Now they’re one of the the biggest players in Angel’s landing, and have their fingers in every criminal enterpires from Drug dealing to insruance fraud
>the Admeh managed to wring the location of one pf their drug making warehouses outta he prisoner we took
>Our job is to go torch it
>Something’s odd though
>ever Since the Tartans got involves, Marcus has been in a real weird mood lately
>i wonder what’s eating him?
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>be Solitaire of the Misted Path Troupe
>turns out one of these shitty rangers got nabbed by mon'keignids
>fucking shitty normie asshole
>i just wanna go home and masturbate but not the normies wanna rescue their friend
>fuck you, he was probably shit
>if I back out now it'll look bad
>should I make something up about the paths of fate?
>one of these faggot normies starts asking if the mon'keighnids are why we're here
>freeze up
>fuck, don't just start a conversation without warning like that, are you trying to kill me?
>faggot ranger
>not everyone spends all their time outside talking to aliens and sucking dick
>sluts should be more considerate of shut-in types
>if they thought like that they wouldn't be sluts though
>want to say something
>want to say something
>don't say anything
>one of these bitches decides my silence means yes
>starts going on about the legendary silence of Solitaires and how nothing we do is coincidence
>what's this slut saying?
>fuck, I'm gonna have to go rescue this ultra faggot that got caught, aren't I?
>this is the worst
>he's probably fine getting his balls tongued by mutant mon'keigh bitches anyway
>mon'keigh breed like rabbits so obviously they'd be horny sluts for dick
>nod automatically so that they stop looking at me
>fuck, I think I agreed
>start searching this shitty underground city for more the loser that got his ass snatched
>seer bitch says she can feel him moving further way, out of the city
>we have to go outside?
>I don't wanna go outside, it's even colder out there
>why does this shit happen to me?
>Be Matriarch Cecilia of the Genestealers
>Sitting in my office, updating the Church of The Emperor's Arms Faithbook page
>Send an invite to Drathor, the Problem Child
>Daddy always did want him in the Family
>Create events for all the youth sports programs we are sponsoring
>Blood Bowl in the designated court keeps violence off their streets
>It also fosters a sense of community
>A sense of...
>The church's following on Faithbook is the fourth largest on the planet
>Of course the Bishop is the highest
>One day, I hope we're able to become the most popular sect on the planet
>Then when we take over, there will be minimal bloodshed and murder of my children
>Received a message from the Bishop that he's sending some of the Sisters of Battle down to the under city to scour it of the Eldar
>Excellent. I wonder if I'll be able to accept any of them into the Family
>But at least for now, not my problem
>Because I've got a bake sale to organize
>bake sale.cultactivities
>be me, Julius, sorcerer
>be looting "psychic-foci" which seem to be random knick-knacks
>like a deck of cards, hows that gonna get me extra fingers?
>most dont do anything for me, but Walter wants me to grab em anyway
>found this skull that lets me turn my skin to metal
>Walter says that the residual warp energies I've been passively leeching from the titan may have unleashed my cellular mutation abilities
>Walter sighs
>Walter says just being here might mean I can grow my finger back
>think really hard at my hand about having a finger
>one pops up almost immediately
>it's also blue and glowing a little bit
>double neat!
>let's see if I can get that lucky extra pinkie
>do it again
>this time the new finger is all wibbly-wobbly like it doesnt have any bones, its also got these sticky little circle things on one side
>its bright pink tho
>ask Walter if I can do it to other people
>he say yes, seems really excited as well
>glad he's not so grumpy all the time
>>Be Shas'vre
>we routed the enemy and now are in control of this area
>the psyker is saying we should continue this
>fuck it, we don't have anything better to do, tell the fire warriors to continue fortifying this area
>am told it's late and that we should stop here
>good idea bird man, time to rest
>while I'm overseeing the construction in my sick ass battle suit I send a message the pilots way to cancel the personal suit order
>thing even lets me control the drones
>a gun drone and a shield drone
>while we're working and the pskyers bird men are eating the dead
>justlikekroot.filthy auxiliaries
>psyker man come to me and begins to speak to me of the warp
>oh I know of it
>I know of your four gods, I did not come here without experience
>I know what you want now
>you think you can pull me to the side of your gods? Then you are wrong
>I will not be swayed farsight is my saviour
>service to the enclaves is all that matters
>comm the stealth suits to keep an eye on the psyker and make sure he doesn't do anything weird
>imma jump this guy, hard
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I had to.
>Be me, Drathor
>Be honestly having the largest migraine of my life
>Yes that includes when The Bugs were messing with my head
>Yes these pipes are that bad
>Why is this piper just following the fight
>Why must I suffer this
>Having this beefy, unintelligible troll beating me around like he fresh from the grog and I'm his step-son isn't helping
>Thankfully there's some good news
>Noticed that the sword he's using hasn't ruined my axe yet, which is good
>I guess it doesn't have a power field
>So I can't break it, but it can't break me either
>Means we're even
>Mostly even
>He still hasn't stopped yelling at me
>Atleast I somehow translated a name
>How did he put it?
>Big Bannock Eiren Glasford
>This is getting ridiculous
>Bannock comes in, swearing or cursing or something
>Need to figure out how to deal with this quickly, before more people are attracted
>Spot a gun, half buried in rubble
>But it’s behind Bannock
>And he’s not budging
>He comes in hard
>Instead of blocking, I pull back, weaving away
>Then I rush in, as quick as I can
>Hand on the shoulder
>Pump of the legs
>And I am above him
>Clearing him with as much grace as a bull grox in heat
>But I land behind him
>Hear his annoyance at just being hurdled
>Throw my hand out for the pistol, know I only have a few seconds
>Manage to bring it up and…
>Music goes silent
>Bannock looks in shock
>It’s the first time he’s shut up since he showed up
>The piper looks down, first at the hole in his pipes, then to the one in his chest
>Piper drops dead
>Smugness is alive an well
>Until I see Bannock
>He speaks the only words I’ve ever understood from him
>Very quiet
>Somehow that makes it scarier
“Now you’ve dun it, lad…”
>Be Xerxes, Sorcerer of the Thousand Sons
>Resting now in this fortified position
>The Tau has been watching me all night
>So have the stealth suits
>Tzaangors are fed and resting
>Rubrics are doing as they always do
>Standing silently.
>Too be honest, before they became rubrics they did that anyways
>Never talkative, those two
>Or particularly ambitions
>No wonder they didn't survive Ahirman's rubric.
>As I rest my eyes, I hear my awful second head speaking to the tau
>Fucking bird head
"Scrawk! You know, the service need not be mutually exclusive! I can see it in your eyes, in your soul. You only serve Farsight and the Enclaves. Well, currently, we are assisting you in this. However, we will not be with you forever."
"When we leave, you will lose a valuable asset. A mind versed in the ways of Chaos and a powerful sorcerer. Crawk! You need not sway from your path of services to the Enclaves to gain gifts from Tzneetch, only continue your path. The lord of change plans for all feasible futures, and the one where you continue to serve the Enclaves is a bright one indeed for both yourself, the Enclaves, and Tzneetch."
>Fuck it.
>I might as well add my input.
>Stupid bird, disturbing my rest
>"It is as the bird says. Should you accept them, Tzneetch would give you gifts, essentially free of charge or commitment. My lord's gifts are not without risk, and the weak willed will suffer if they cannot hold them. It is all part of the plan, and the plan proceeds onward regardless if you accept his gifts or reject them."
>Seriously, god damn bird, interrupting my sleep
>The Tau better accept the deal though. Fucking Magnus got a worse off deal, and he was far more important.
>The bird also goes to sleep, resting its head on my faceplate
>Fucking bird
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>Be Crazy Hassan, used camel salesman
>This planet...
>It is crying out...
>Crying out for...
>See Sisters of Battle
>Sisters of Battle are sold ten camels on the cheap.
>Camel scented soap included for free!
>See Broken Shield Space Marines?
>They are sold camels for low low prices!
>See Tau accompanied by a Sorcerer and his tzaangors?
>"Hello fat mechanicus mobster man! How did I get onto your ship? Silly questions do not matter, FOR I AM HERE TO SELL YOU CAMELS!"
>I give him good deal on servitor camels, oil is thrown in for free!
>Be Shas'vre
>this sorcerer thinks to sway me from the true path
>I assume he can see the stealthsuits as he is always looking in their direction
>a perceptive one his is
>I am not surprised his disgusting god has given him this sight
>call meeting of my comrades and brothers and sisters in arms
>tel them of this threat and how we must deal with it
>we will try to move now and ensure that when he awakes he is not privy to our moving and where we have gone
>but first
>to deal with the bird
>and those fucking bird men
>I don't like those
>pull out my blade
>get out of the battlesuit (won't do it in a suit and get heard)
>sneak over and cut it off at the neck
>now lets see him get his chaos wisdom now
>and now to begin our flight
>we put down some of his bird men enough that it is not noticeable
>leave one of the daggers from the sept worlders next to his head
>he will know when he wakes up
>give the order to move out, take nothing but the essentials
>leave the rest
>call the order for the stealthsuits to move also
>time to move to greener pastures and see if we can find better company, maybe some of our own kind to liberate from the Sept world yoke.
you did good
>Be Xerxes, Sorcerer of the Thousand Sons
>Well, those Tau just tried to kill me
>Lucky, they have little resistance to the warp, and fell to an illusion to kill the various mutant camel that strange merchant sold me
>Crazy Hassan.thankyou
>Unfortunately, still lost a few of my tzaangors
>Acceptable losses
>Especially since I managed to sneak what is essentially pure warp energy into his suit
>all possible eventualities.just as planned
>Have fun becoming a chaos spawn whenever that thing goes off!
>Anyways, time to find new minions
>Brick, the tzaangor that now carries around and occasionally chews on a brick, has caught a scent
>Bird head says to follow him
>Fuck you bird head
>But fine. we'll do that.
>Wander through the city for a bit
>Hiding from patrols.solidsnake
>Ignoring bird head
>Being a sneaky sorcerer
>Find an abandoned factory
>Hmm... good a place as any to set up shop
>Move in
>Brick is pointing at a point and space and jumping up and down
>Alright, calm to fuck down Brick
>I'm coming.
>I rend space apart, and a bunch of fucking tzaangors fall our.
>A few of them are crushed when some more rubrics also fall out, silly hats stapled to their heads.
>Neat, found the rest of my minions
>Though I'd lost you guys forever in the warp

>Be Sister Nyx
>Basking in the afterglow of a RIGHTEOUS PURGING
>Sent a few genestealer stragglers to whatever pitiful god they might have
>My hearse is still running fine despite the cogboys nearly shorting out over the duct tape job
>They told me she'd never run again when I brought her back after the genestealer assault
>Shows what those toasterfuckers know
>They just don't understand the INDOMITABLE SPIRIT inhabiting this BEAUTIFUL ENGINE OF WAR like I do
>Really need to make it up to that stormtrooper at some point
>Wouldn't have gotten her back home safe without his help
>Even managed to stay off the promethium today
>Not that it's really a problem or anything
>Just everyone gets really concerned over it
>Don't really want the only order to take me in to regret it, y'know?
>Anyway, overall today is a good day
>Only thing that could make it better would be DYING IN THE NAME OF HIM ON TERRA
>Riding back to the cathedral
>See a small but bustling church on the way back
>"Church of the Emperor's Arms"
>Huh, weird
>"Annmarie, have you ever heard of any sects that praise our Lord's limbs?"
>She sighs
"Clearly they just misspelt alms, Nyx. If you paid more attention in Gothic, you'd know that."
>Maria frowns at her
"Lay off, she's doing alright today."
"Not in the mood Maria, I already have to put up with being alive in this hellhole."
"That's not a very constructive mindse-"
>We're interrupted by a Tallarn trying to sell us bizarre looking beasts of burden
>And judging by everyone elses expressions, I'm not hallucinating
>Honestly, kinda wishing I was
>It'd be more comprehensible
>Be Colonel
>so finally someone has replied to my messages
>the creepy ad mech guy wants to talk to me
>so now I have to find where he is
>eh anyway might be useful
>at least if I keep Commissar crazy lady away we'll be fine
>and I'll have Tanks that we can actually keep
>and she can have that one Taurox we've been lugging around
>anyway no more internal bitching about her
>still gotta find where this ad mech guy is
>time to follow the signs
>looking around there doesn't seem
>look up and see a blimp
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>be me, Julius, sorcerer
>I think I might have lost control of my life a bit
>sure it started off well enough
>used my new finger growing powers to help citizens like me
>regrew limbs, closed wounds, etc.
>they always grew back a bit weird
>sometimes covered in feathers
>sometimes kinda see through
>sometimes two grew back instead of one
>people mostly still seem happy
>probably because Walter keeps getting me to think happy thoughts at them
>I think its a positive reinforcment thing
>made sure to give them all lucky extra pinkies as well
>made sure to warn them about the bolter bitches and extra fingers, dont want anyone ending up like Walter
>old Walter, not the new one
>then they started hanging around a lot more
>asking me for my wisdom
>I just told them what Walter told me to, seemed to make them happy
>started calling me "the fleshfather"
>didn't help that they heard me talking to Walter
>new Walter, not the old one
>now they think I can speak with the dead
>they start calling themselves "the sons of Stercus"
>mfw I think I accidentaly started a cult
>mfw they want to start a revolution against the sororitas to avenge "Walter the martyr"
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>be me, Sister Karmistha, you lucky fellow
>representative of the Order Famulous of the Shining Path
>attaché to the Order Militant of the Ermine Mantle for the Tomis Crusade and, in theory, their chief diplomat and negotiator
>although, as I'm sure you can imagine, it's not a title that sees very much use
>the Sisters of the Ermine Mantle do not engage in an exceptional amount of diplomacy
>and on the off chance that they do, well, Canoness Konstanzia is a very headstrong woman
>she prefers to handle such things herself
>and while my skills are many and finely exercised, I am not especially suited for battling Orks or Tyranids
>so in practice, my job is mostly to sit around the Cathedral and look beautiful
>a role for which I can say, with not much vanity, I am extremely suited for
>but it is quite tiresome
>a woman of purpose such as myself quickly finds herself growing bored
>but now things are looking up in that regard
>reading people is part of my job, and the Canoness returned from her meeting subtly but furiously angry
>the Mechanicus are conspiring to undermine the Ecclesiarchal government on the planet
>they're attempting to recruit supporters from amongst the Imperial defenders to help them do so
>and we must do the same
>she says these things with apprehension but it takes practiced control for me to keep from smiling over it
>"may you live in interesting times" is a curse, I suppose
>but this feels very much like my time to shine
>Be Matriarch Cecilia of the Genestealers
>The bake sale went wonderfully!
>Everything was sold!
>True, about half of it was sold to an odd man with a herd of strange beasts
>But still, everything was sold!
>He even gave us camels!
>By selling the camels and with the other profits, we'l be upgrading from a small church to a small cathedral!
>A very VERY small cathedral, but according to regulation 95783245676-IO-62, a cathedral
>Our sect is getting more popular by the day!
>I invite Mrs. Markham into my inner sanctum to congratulate her for selling the highest quality baked goods
>She's such a pillar of the community really
>"Mrs. Markham, I'd like to congratulate you for your outstanding work for the church, and I'd like to personally welcome you to the family."
>I grasp her tightly and give her the Kiss
>I let her go as I feel her connect to the brood mind
>One more to the family.jpg
>She hugs me, and gives praise to me
>There there my child.
>I know, I'm pretty great.
>Now then, here is a vial of my holy blood
>Place a drop into all the cookies you eat
>It will not welcome anyone to the family, but it will form the weakest of psychic links to myself, allowing for easier manipulation
>As soon as the first batch is done, I send a box of the cookies off to the Bishop and His wife aboard the Camel Express.
>Some genius is using these Camels as a mailing service
>Hmm... camel gene stealers?
>Is that possible?
>Do I want to kiss a camel?
>Be me
>Be in the mid-
>So yeah, Bannock isn't happy
>I think he was using some form of language before, but not anymore
>Now he's just screaming
>Like one continuous AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
>Atleast it's better then the pipes
>He's somehow going faster then before
>Feels like he's hitting harder to
>But hey, now I can actually think
>He's pushing me back through the rubble
>I've already emptied the pistol
>He doesn't seem to notice the spilling holes in his body
>Just means I'll have to do this the fun way
>All this CLANGing and he hasn't noticed yet
>His sword, without it's protective field, is getting more worn down with each strike
>I wait until the prime moment
>This is going to look really cool
>He brings down his sword
>I swing up my axe
>Bannock gets a moment to eye his now busted sword, before I bring my axe down into his shoulder
>Kick him aside, and just for measure, hack apart some support struts above him
>With Bannock stuck in rubble and rock, I look about
>Start looking over the corpses
>I've gotten pretty good at looting to be honest
>Didn't manage to get any info from the members, but managed to find some orders
>But feth me, it's in their weird language
>Oh wait, there's a map
>Looks like The Tartans are holed up further into the city
>Can't tell exactly, but I think they are set up in what used to be an old winter gear warehouse
>Because parkas and coats would be the only thing to survive in a fiery apocalypse
>Be Colonel
>while walking to the blimp sight I get approached by a man while a lot of camels
>like a fucking lot
>holy shit
>thats a lot of camels
>hey it might be good for us to become more mobile
>and I did get more troops come in so I have enough to build a rough rider detachment
>and enough for when I get tanks for multiple tank crews
>might buy some
>hello good sir
>I would like to purchse about 300 camels
>yes please 300
>put it on the munitorum tab
>yes the munitorum's
>thank you
>could you please have them sent to the drop site in the south quadrant of the city
>you don't know what a quadrant is?
>south side of the city
>yes just look for more men who are dressed like me and look for a man who goes by Pete
>he can deal with them and I'll explain when I get back
>ok thank you
>Be Marcus
>Be on stakeout with crew
>”What do you see Fess?”
“Eight Guards making rounds around the complex at the entrance all with pulse rifles. Two providing overwatch from the front windows with Some kind of Pulse gattling gun. But those are just the visible ones at the front. During that last gust of wind, I saw at least three drones drop their cloak around the roof. They’re probably feeding information directly to the guards.”
>”Shit, that’s some heavy security.”
“Mhm, and that’s not even counting the guards inside. It’s pretty Obvious that a head on assault is out of the question, not wihlit an army at least. Sneaking’s gonna be bitch and a half with those drones around too.”
>”What are their colors?”
>”What Patterns are their clothes. A Tartan’s colors and pattern denote to which family they are aligned with, Like regimental uniforms.”
“Alright well one has green lines and red lines forming a box inside a box formed with blue lines and yellow lines-”
>”Oh Bloody hell, gimme that!”
>”No bloody way!”
>”One of the Guards is a Baskerville, and the other’s a McAdams!”
>”They’re not killin each other! Those two families have been feudin for years ever since old Tavish Basker-“
“I didnt ask for a history lesson, what does it mean?”
>”It means that someone or something’s done the impossible and gotten them to stop fighting each other, if only for little while.”
“Which means...?”
>”We can't rely on getting them to fight each other. Whatever they're doing in there must be really important for them to bury century old feuds just like that.”
“Well, that’s just lovely. Anybody else got any ideas?”
“i say we call it a night, put it off til morning and all go get us some Drinks.”
>What a second
>”That’s it!”
>Be Future Commissar
>We are a few weeks into this campaign and weird shit just keeps pilling up
>Along with figuring out that enemy Tau forces are commanded by what is essentially a whore we encounter a camel caravan
>How they even managed to survive on this shithole is beyond anybody but I learned to stop asking questions
>Then there was that one time were we encountered that weird four armed Emperor Church asking if the Guard would be interested in fucking cookies
>Had to decline and get the regiments away from these guys due to not wanting to get on Bishop Boys worse side by supporting what could be a rival, along with the missionaries getting creepier the longer they stayed near us
>Then there are all the reports I keep hearing about the shit that is going on at Angles Landing
>From what I heard, that group of actual Blood Raven Guardsmen keep getting passed between various groups more then a new guy in a chemos penal legion and wound up in an Admech sponsored gang war
>Then there are reports of something eating fucking bricks of all things
>What the fuck even eats bricks
>This is followed by rumors of the Extra Pinky Cult whose name is probably derived from some bad heresy related drug trip
>Worst of all is that the Sisters and Admech are now starting some political war with both sides trying to woe us
>Problem is the Guard kinda needs both of them at this point so we can't really take sides
>This is followed by the Pyskers starting to complain about Orks screaming into the warp or something, not sure if that is just warp fuckery or more Orks are going to come
>Then to top all of this off that Tarzyan guy randomly teleports in the middle of a strategic meeting and declares that he is going to challenge us for defeating the Tau and winner get that Tau whore
>Don't even like Tau women yet now I have to get into a competition with the Necron version of Blood Ravens due to them already starting to raid us
>Fucking xenos
>Be Shas'vre
>now that we ditched sorcerer gue'la it's kind of easy runnings
>that weird itch in my head is gone
>and I'm liking the suit it's really nice, especially the drones
>we haven't come into any sort of conflict with anything as of yet, which is good and bad
>good cause we've been undetected
>bad cause we haven't been able to test ourselves without sorcerer gue'la
>at least I won't have to hear that damn bird ever again
>fucking bird head
>been fiddling with the suits system for a bit and apparently there was an ai that the old Shas had help him with general things
>pretty simple really
>now I just have to figure out how to boot it up
>its weird but I think I have it
>um hello? is this thing on?
>hmm seems it's working
>getting some guidance markers and it asked me how my day has been
>thats nice
>anyway moving on
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>Be me, Dougie McIsa
>No wait, Dougie Glasford, that's right
>Fething Tartan colours
>This is probably only the third most foolish thing I've done since this shit show started
>But considering that I need to get inside this facility, I don't have time to figure out anything more clever
>Took one look at the defenses there, and realized Drathor wasn't busting in with brute strength
>Going to need to be a little sneakier
>And Emperor knows much luckier
>Spent a good twenty minutes on my disguise
>Wearing the proud colours of Bannock's clan, I hope the Tartans aren't in a particularly suspicious mood
>Swagger on up towards the main entrance
>Well, as best a swagger I can make while faking an injury
>The first of the guards spots me, holds up a hand
"Do yer dinger, noo jist haud on!"
>The others raise their weapons
>Enough firepower to obliterate three of me
>Hope this isn't too stupid
>Try to sound as angry as I can, waving my arms around as if readying for a fight
>It has a reaction
>Screaming coming right back
>But they aren't shooting
>Instead one of them comes rumbling up to me
>He's also got an axe strapped to his back
>The rifle, which looks much smoother, seems hilariously contrasting with the ogre of a man
>He glares down at me
>Never heard a voice louder in my life
>They seem to communicate through insulting one another
>Bannock was a good teacher then
>Start flapping my arms around, indicating towards my wound, and the way I came
>This goes on
>I don't know how long
>Eventually he starts laughing
>Like, just howling
>Slaps me on the back
>Looks me in the eye with belligerent admiration
"Yon's a right chancer, lad. Haste ye back."
>Try not to freak out as I limp on in
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>Be Ethereal
>Be talking to this fine ass pink chick with crap claws
>She's one of those daemon things
>Wants me to swear my allegiance to her god Slaanesh
>I ask her why the fuck I would do that?
>She replies by turning one of my bitches into an incredibly sexy fucking monster that begins to go after the others
>Damn, that is one fine ass monster
>She says its completely loyal to me, and is both hella strong and hella sexy
>She also says she'll give me the power to make more of them
>Praise Slaanesh! Sate my endless hedonistic desires to be the sexiest damn ethereal the galaxy has ever seen
>A brand burns itself into my arm.
>It is a GOOD pain.slaanesh
>Mmm... yeah, this is good
>I cast my hand out to my other slaves and transform them as well
>Mmm... yeah, praise fucking Slaanesh.
>I call all the different commanders to my chambers
>I'm going to tell them about some changes that will be happening around here.
>Be Douglas Baskerville
>Be sittin here guardin’ Against...fookin no-one
>Seriously this bloody job is boring as hell
>No one even knows about this place
>But ever since Alban got kidnapped by those fucking Magpie scouts, the boss’s decided to be extra cautious and double the Guards here
>We dont even need em though
>It’s not like anything could get past us without the drones catchin ‘em
>Seriously the only thing that showed up was Glasford lad with a fancy axe
>Nothing excitin ever happens around here
>Just as i was thinkin that though, this delivery van drives by, and swerves into a fuckin lightpole
>So me an some lads go ahead, you know, just to check it out and such, see if it’s got any good loot.
>The driver appeared ta be when we got there
>Good, saves us the trouble of killing him ourselves
>See he had a bottle of amasec
>That’d explain it
>Ha, stupid sod
>Check in the Back
>Oh sweet mother of mercy
>It’s the most beatutiful thing ah’vr ever seen
>Six crates of highquality Amasec
>One of them’s already been opened and apparantly entirely drained
>damn, no wonder we found him dead
>But the Other five are in pristine condition
>I could certainly go for a refresher right now
>”Oh, shite cap’n McAdams w-we were jus-“
>Can’t hear him any more, we’re movin as fast as we can
>Bloody hell these boxes’s are heavy, must be a metric Arse-ton of Scrumpy in there
>Oh just thinkin about it makes me tongue tingle
>Finally get down to tha cellar
>All this heavy liftin ‘as made me real thristy
>ah to the warp with McAdams, he wont notice i just take one-
>soon as i open it, See Foot come at me outta the box
>Black out.
>Be a bloodthirster of khorne
>kinda just chilling in his realm not doing much
>been looking around the warp trying to find something to do
>this planet in the middle of nowhere looks funs
>lots of fighting going down there and with some Orks on the way
>might need to find someone suitable to summon a lot of bloodthirsters
>holed the phone
>I see something good
>pure as day
>khorne praised
>warp energy
>oooh fuck yea
>looks like I know where I'm going
>cast myself into the warp
>barreling straight for the stuff
>possession complete
>mm that's the stuff
>now where or in what am I
>a machine ok
>wait a minute
>it's some of those pansy arse blue aliens
>fuck such a shit offering
>well I've got nothing better to do so I might just sit and watch for now
>be Sister Karmistha
>and oh, how I do love a good brainstorming session
>Canoness Konstanzia is understandably quite unhappy with the situation
>the Mechanicus, as I'm sure you're aware, hold some very important cards among the Imperial forces
>few are willing to openly support them against us, but most are unwilling to risk their displeasure
>the threat of losing technological support for a few hundred years or so is a significant one
>even Astartes Chapters, not likely to face threats from accusations of tech heresy, are reluctant to risk that
>and so we are not likely to see direct support from many of our avowed allies if things escalate
>and the Juris Magos will be sure to tug on those strings
>highlight the Broken Shields and Solar Hawks Chapters, with their number of highly tech-dependent Primaris Marines and naval assets, as potential Mechanicus allies
>as are the various Guard units, who would no doubt love to strike a bargain to improve their poor logistics
>on the other hand, this is an ostensible Shrine World, and one on which the Sisters produced a new Living Saint, no less
>the populace and the Imperium at large see this as an Ecclesiarchy world already
>and forces with strong Ecclesiarchal ties and no love for the Mechanicus, like the Red Templars and Purple Stars Chapters, might well be counted on to support that
>and, too, many of the local forces had no direct supply line to threaten until quite recently and might not bow to such pressures
>the vast wealth in salvage has made it not impossible for planetside forces to supply themselves, either by direct scavenging or selling valuable objects in exchange for the funds to do so
>so as things stand, the political field is quite even
>no doubt, Cosanostro plans to lean on the local government, the unquestionably faithful Bishop aside
>the Canoness instructs for key officials to be kept under surveillance while we garner favor
>why, what a clever woman, that's just what I would have done
>Be Fessus
>Man the plan worked like a charm
>Using a servitor to fake a drunk driving accident
>Fucking great
>and sneaking in the Scanproof Boxes the Admech uses for their ventures by disguising them as booze crates
>Anyways, we managed to catch the guards off-guard (heh) and m knocked them out
>Their clothes are a bit ill-fitting, and reek of Booze and Sweat.
>But sometimes sacrifices must be made
>take out the blueprints of the Warehouse that Static managed to get us
>”Alright everybody take a good look at the blue prints becuase this is going to be the Last time we see them. Memorize your routes and positions”
>”From here we will all split up, carrying a singly Detpack disguised as a cloth wrapped lunch box”
>We will each plant our respective detpack at the designated point, taking care not to be seen.
>”Remember, if anyone suspects you, just talk like Marcus after his 30th Shot of Amasec and you should be fine”
>”Once we all plant deliver our payloads we will all reconvene at the entrance room, where we will make our daring escape, and watch this place collapse from the safety of our Van”
>”Any Questions? Yes Decarus?”
“Uhh, Marcus already told us all this before we got in the boxes.”
>”That’s not a question Decarus.”
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>Be Fio'Vre Mal'Caor
>Chief of Engineering aboard our... glorious leader's personal spacecraft
>Got the job after poor Fio'El Myen got "promoted" to his "inner council"
>Which most definitely isn't a euphemism
>Guess I should count myself lucky that skinny and bespectacled isn't his type
>Tau'va, of all the fucking ethereals I could serve under, why'd I have to get saddled with this degenerate?
>Only way I've survived this long is spending as much time in the maintenance tubes as I can while wearing the least flattering jumpsuit I could find
>Even sleep in here now
>Safer that way
>Anyway, doing my rounds
>Making sure that this monument against everything a right thinking Tau should hold dear doesn't fall apart
>Hear moaning through one of the vent panels
>Not that abnormal round here
>But it keeps getting louder
>And more distorted?
>Carefully take a look
>See what was once a female air caste with grotesquely exaggerated proportions meander its way down the corridor, freakishly long tongue lolling out of its mouth
>See more of these... things pass by
>And despite myself I'm aroused at the sight
>bolt as fast as my hooves can carry me to the escape pods
>Punch in coordinates that'll drop me near that Enclave encampment on the outskirts of the gue'la city
>They might be gung ho military fetishists, but frankly that's an improvement on this horror show
>hammer the eject button harder than Aun'Va banged Shadowsun
>be me, Archon Dathram
>Currently driving my Tantalus
>Coming up to an imperial refugee center outside the city
>Advanced scouts already among them, doing whatever
>One of the side spike... Blade... Things slices a troop transport in half
>Turret and torsos of guardsmen launched into the air
>Kent is whistling a strange tune while popping tanks with one of the dark Lance's
>Sslyth body guard is tossing grenades over the side casually
>Life is good
>See one of those huge mon'keigh tanks
"Boss! I think that's a... Shadah sword er somefin."
>Thank you Kent, I knew that already
>I'd have flayed him if he wasn't so useful
>And loyal
>Angle Tantalus away from the massive tank
>Pull up to get out of the way if a devistating shot
>Drive circles around the thing while chipping away at it
>Fuck this is boring
>Pull away and behind the hulking metal contraption
>Fire a blast of the pulse disintegrator cannon
>Smile as it turns the might tank into slag
>And I only lost three raiders!
>What a good trade
>Get message from asshole usrper
"Mission complete, my lord. As usual I demonstrated my pro-"
>Put him on hold
>Fucker knows how to rant and I hate listening to him boast about how big his dick is, or how he killed several mon'keigh with one blow
>Kinda bummed he didn't die
>But at least he did what I told him
>Honestly I'd have been alright with him just dying
>Well, one out of two isn't bad
>Look into the sky
>Watch as a lesser Ork space craft slowly falls into the atmosphere
>It'll land a good distance away from the city, but all in all it'd take an idiot not to notice
>Thankfully the idiot put it into a tumble rather than a nose dive and far enough away to not kill any valuable slaves
>The ship isn't big enough to make any apocalyptic damage, but a nose dive would've cracked the crust
>Watch it's slow decent towards the surface with a smug smile
>Open a com channel to all with a receiver
>Make sure to speak fluent low gothic
"This is Archon Dathram of the Starless Night Kabal. I really do hope you all will enjoy the show. Remember, look up."
>Laugh and signal the raiders and venoms to fall back
>Park the Tantalus on the top of a cliff with a full view of the crash site
>I want a good angle on this
"This gonna be purty right boss?"
>Ah, simple Kent
>He's probably the only person I actually trust
>Too fucking stupid to betray me
>Plus I don't give him a reason
>All in all he's a good lad
>Should I record this?
>Fuck it
>Give kent a video streamer
>Quickly make a mon'keigh "Faithbook" account
>Start a stream of the crash
>I want to remember this, and I think everyone here will too.
>Be Brick
>Brick is bird
>Brick has a lucky brick
>Big man call Brick tzaangor
>Brick bored.
>Big man bring other birds and hollow men to him
>Less for Brick to do
>Brick leave
>No room for upward movement in the bureaucracy there
>Brick aspires for greater things
>Like two bricks
>big dreams.birb
>Brick sees a big thing falling out of the sky
>Big boom
>Brick gunna go see what's up
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>be me,"Walter"
>except thats not my fucking name
>thats just what this idiot calls me
>be me, Tnez'ahman'Dor, defiler of minds, feathered lord of progress
>and this has got to be one of the most frustrating experiences I've involved myself in
>like, I'm a patient guy
>but this brainlet JUST realized that he's leading a cult
>and now he's panicking
>"settle down"
>"dude chill"
>thank you
>"now, we can at least agree that all your new little new friends running off and getting themselves killed would be bad, right?"
>especially since theres no way this planets going to fall due to armed conflict
>do you have ANY idea how many anathema worshipping orders are here?
>"look, just calm down, and reel them back in, they'll listen"
>wish I could just assume direct control
>but that'd just paint a target the size of Olga's ass on my beak
>no, for now I just have to bide my time
>continue being "Walter"
>*sighs in bird wizard*
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>be Solitaire of the Misted Path Troupe
>freezing my cunt off
>I'd have dressed for the cold if I thought I had to go outside
>chasing the seer's vague 'feelings'
>almost want to admit I led everyone out here for no reason
>some mon'keigh screamed at us until we took his beasts of burden
>they died though, apparently frozen tundra isn't their climate
>why are mon'keigh so stupid?
>didn't even realize we paid him in poop crystals
>some mon'keigh is gonna wear my poop on his fucking bacelet or his necklace or something
>my feet hurt
>browse the craftweb for dick pics while we navigate the endless shitty snow
>apparently there's orks on this planet too
>and Commorrites
>they're calliing themselves 'drukhari' now
>fucking drukhari
>this is why normies should be gassed
>fuck why did I even pick this place?
>eventually find our missing ranger in some burnt-out ruins far away from the human city
>everyone's depressed because he's turned into a nasty gene druggie fixated on plowing mon'keignid ass
>at least he got his dick wet
>if nothing changes my cunt will be forever a parched no-man's land
>solitaires can live for thousands of years, am I really going to hit ten thousand as a thirsty virgin?
>these shitty normies should be celebrating for their stupid-ass friend
>they probably blame me for him getting laid too
>I can feel it
>fuck you you pieces of shit, it's your fault this didn't work out
>at least we can leave once we've killed everything
>suddenly, feel a disturbance in the Warp
>Slaanesh reaching down to this world
>Be Decarus
>Be walking along inside this base
>Everyone’s giving me wierd looks
>I look totally ridiculous, this isnt working
>Okay, it’s okay Decarus, just keep walking, just keep walking.
>this Big guy suddenly blocks my path
>wat do?
“Oyy, where da ya think yer goin shrimpy”
>”O-O-oh w-well I was just”
“I dina know the let wee lads who oughta be still suckin on their’s mum teat fight in clan MacAlpine. Ay’ guess that’s just what happens when ya run all outta real men”
>”L-Listen i dont want any trouble”
“Oh a course ya don’t. Wouldnt want ya to soil you’re daipy now, ya wee baby. Go on now, run-along ta yer maam now, it’s almos yer bedtaim! AHHHHAHAHAHAA!”
>Take a deep Breath,
>channel my inner drunk Marcus
>...it’s pretty quiet now
>Every one’s staring at me
>Perhaps I overdid it a little
“Ahahaha, aright yer free ta go kid, i was just pullin yer beard there.”
>that actually worked out pretty nicely
>Be Crazy Hassan, used camel salesman
>My camel sense is tingling
>Somewhere there is...
>I hop aboard my fastest camel, lightly used, only three dollars, comes with saddle oil, and speed towards the unsatisfied customers!
>They are the space elves!
>Speed to a stop
>I give them my BEST polar camels as well as the bundle of crystals they gave me before boarding my fastest camel
>Ride off into the sunset.camel
>It's mid day, but still manages to ride into the sunset
Two things: Given the massive global warming, the planet's tundra is essentially just at the poles at this point, and Crazy Hassan's camels NEVER fail. You must have not read the owner's manual that they came with free of charge. Be lucky that Hassan has an amazing return policy.
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>Be Randle Cuthbert, taxi driver
>extra body parts cost extra, ogryns are double
>if the arbites catch us its free
>looks like things have simmered down a bit
>finally getting a bit of customers again
>hopefully I'll turn up a few thrones today, cogheads are taxing me extra for "unsanctioned instillation of blah blah blah"
>In all my years i've learned one thing
>you never know whats gonna come through that door
I like Hassan but no more /tg/ memes please I dig the OC
>Be me, Dougie Glasford
>Be totally not Drathor in disguise
>Skulking about the inside of this warehouse, looking for some gear
>Already passed by some of the other Tartans in here
>Bumped into one shifty looking fuck
>I cursed at him
>He cursed at me
>Socked him in the face and left
>Is it just me or did he look almost as nervous as I was?
>Already seen that these guys have a surplus of Tau gear, but I'll be honest, I'm not really into that noise
>Nah, I want something else
>Plus I doubt blueberry armour would fit someone who actually has to use their muscles in melee combat
>Kinda of weird to see inside the complex
>It's like, it used to totally just be a warehouse
>For winter gear
>Which used to be very important once upon a time
>But now it's half military base, half pub
>Hear some chatter
>Duck into a room
>It's dark
>Notice some boxes
>Start creeping through to open them up
>Looks like these guys have been busy, looting up the fields
>Heard of gear like this, but never thought I'd actually see it infront of me
>Seems like after that big clusterfuck, the Tartans started grabbing up all the fallen shit they could spare
>Magpies must have been distracted
>Manage to pilfer what I think is a bolt pistol, thankfully sized for a commissar rather then a marine
>Scoop up some grenades, I think these are kraks?
>Find out one way or another
>Open the next box
>Looks like Bishop's boys aren't all so blessed
>Scoop up the helmet of what is clearly some carapace armour
>And all decorated as if by The Bishop's own hand
>I'm going to have fun breaking this stuff in
>Be Marcus
>Be makin my way back from my spot
>Not a single one suspected me on the way over there
>I’ve still got it
>Dont feel too bad about blowin this place ta bits, not after what i saw they made here
>Obscura, by the poundful
>I saw that shit ruin my home
>Turn good men and women into withering husks and slaves
>made their children orphans
>Burned buildings down
>Split families in two
>Put people on the streets
>to the bloody warp with these damned pushers
>it doesnt matter what the Admech wants, Angel’s landing’ll be better off without these bastards
>get to what i guess couls be called the main lobby of this place
>everyone everyone else is there, athligh Decarus ran a little bit late.
>Still no major hitches, guess we’re free to lea-
>Of fucking course
>The Big bastard grabs us all
“Ey Shrimpy, ya and yer mates canna leave yet, we were jus’ about ta crack open a case a amasec we found in the cellar, stay an’ have a pint lads.”
>Oh bloody hell,
>that’s where we hid the bodies.
>Oh Emperor, I know i dont pray as often as i should, but if ya hear me, we could really use a miracle right now.
>Be Captain Thorn
>Setting up the Imperial Fist base of operation at the Governesses place was probably the best idea the commander has had so far
>We actually get proper building materials that don't get stolen by the magpies
>Bishop boy even gave us decorations to use though he has an uncanny taste for skulls even by Imperial standards
>Though that overshadowed by the fortifications we have set up, nothing is going to get past our set up
>Plus now we can actually plan out our attacks against the assortment of heretics, xenos, and whatever else pops up in the wastelands outside the city
>We even got to land the Thunder Hawks done for usage in a few missions we did that involved fighting some weird looking Tau that the Necrons wanted for some reason
>Not sure if we should be concerned about what could possibly be warp fire near the Tau encampments we decimated but we just chalk that up to the planet just always being on fire
>That and that encampment being near a small heretic camp we decimated
>Fucking heretics
>Be me, Dougie Glasford
>Be operator as feth right now
>Garbed up in this nice looking carapace armour
>Got my new gear, pistol, grenades, a few knives
>And I spoke to soon
>Be heading out
>See a commotion going on as I enter the main lobby
>Some of the Tartans are fighting with other Tartans
>Spot one of the dudes I punched earlier
>Look I'm not saying I'm a telepath or have psyker abilities
>But I am familiar with a man who is anxious to get away as fast as he can
>The commotion has attracted more of the Tartans
>They look over to me
>One points
"Haw, ya-"
>I don't give him a chance to speak
>I don't think
>I just feel the words pouring out of my mouth
>Anger fills each syllable
>Feel my belt burning
"Whit th' buck did ye jist feckin' say abit me, ye wee huir? i’ll hae ye ken Ah graduated top ay mah class in th' navy seals, an' i’ve bin involved in numeroos secrit raids oan al-quaeda, an' Ah hae ower 300 confirmed kills. Ah am trained in gorilla warfaur an' i’m th' top sniper in th' entire us armed forces. ye ur naethin' tae me but jist anither targit. Ah will wipe ye th' buck it wi' precision th' likes ay which has ne'er bin seen afair oan thes earth, mark mah feckin' words. ye hink ye can gettae France wi' sayin' 'at jobby tae me ower th' internit? hink again, camel blower. as we spick Ah am contactin' mah secrit network ay spies athwart th' usa an' yer ip is bein' traced reit noo sae ye better prepaur fur th' st'rm, maggot. th' st'rm 'at wipes it th' pathetic wee hin' ye caa yer life. yoo’re feckin' deid, bairn. Ah can be anywhaur, onytime, an' Ah can kill ye in ower seven hunder ways, an' that’s jist wi' mah baur hans. nae only am Ah extensively trained in unarmed combat, but Ah hae access tae th' entire arsenal ay th' united states marine corps an' Ah will use it tae its foo extent tae wipe yer crabbit crease aff th' coopon ay th' continent, ye wee jobby. if only ye coods hae knoon whit unholy retribution yer wee “clever” comment was in th' wey o brin' doon upon ye, mebbe ye woods hae held yer feckin' tongue. but ye cooldn’t, ye didn’t, an' noo yoo’re payin' th' price, ye goddamn divit. Ah will jobby fury aw ower ye an' ye will droon in it. yoo’re feckin' deid, kiddo."
>There is silence
>Aw even
>They stare at me
>For about five seconds
>One draws a gun and fires at me
>Drop to the ground
>Hear another shout
>It takes three more seconds for the entire lobby to erupt into what I can only describe as a pub brawl
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>be Palatine Sara
>outside the city on what used to be a major highway for the old capital
>five bikes, two with sidecars mounting heavy stubbers, the passengers playing string instruments loud enough to hear faintly over the engines
>it's quiet on the road, apart from that
>there's a patch of some strange form of desert, but not this far
>it all used to be tundra, before the firebombing during the initial conflict over the planet
>now various grasses and lichens cover the burnt ground
>pioneer species, non-native, spread as part of the Imperial terraforming effort
>it's not much, but some green helps to make things look like a real planet and not just a warzone
>pass the looted husks of a couple of Leman Russ tank on the road, everything valuable stripped
>can tell they've been here a long time
>not sure what it is we're looking for out here, but I know the Emperor will show us a sign to tell us where we need to be
>Sister Hannie gestures to me
>look up
>there's a meteor streaking through the sky
>looks to be adjusting its own course before it comes down
>an Ork ship
>a little one, metal, not one of their hijacked asteroids
>suppose that answers that
>on occasion the Emperor is less than subtle in his auspices
>signal for the patrol to change course towards the crash site
>Be Randle Cuthbert, taxi driver, at your service
>some mut't with at least five arms waves me down
>tell him he better be willing to pay
>starts tarding out, like he's got a whole extra set of chromosomes
>activate my shock goad
>meet another nice chap
>wearing a rather fruity skirt
>doesn't speak a word of gothic, but has got thrones to spare, seems to be in a hurry
>tourists, am I right?
Nice working discord link
>Be Brick
>Brick has determined based on evidence such as the angle of the sun. the apparent size of the falling thingie, and the planet's gravity that the falling thingie is really far away
>Brick is sad
>Brick will take out emotions on random street toughs
>"You! Me Brick!"
>Brick make the best one-liners
>Brick hit street tough with lucky brick
>Street tough fall over
>His friends attack Brick
>Ha, Brick is beastman, not mere humie!
>Brick pushes them over!
>"Ha! You guys work for me now! Brick is now middle manager! Brick wishes to expand his holdings in investments! Brick requires money! You help Brick!"
>Street toughs seem confused by subjects such as proper grammar and the intricacies of investments and securities
>However, street toughs follow law of jungle
>They stupid
>This is no jungle
>Is city
>Brick will teach them a thing or two!
>Be Fessus
>That just happened
>Even if im not quite sure what “That” exactly was
>All i know is, some big bastard was dragging us all by the neck to the pub, where they were just about to crack open one of the “amasec” Crates where we hid the guards in
>When suddenly, this Tartan wierdo, (who I actually think i ran into earlier, he gave me a black eye, and i gave him one to match) comes out of nowhere, dressed up like one of the Bishop Boy’s stormtrooper guards and starts giving this speech
>I don't even know what the hell he was saying,
>Frankly, i dont even think he knew what he was saying
>What I do know, was that it made me really really angry
>Then someone shoots at him an whole pub erupts into a complete brawl.
>I actually had half a mind to join in
>Fortunately, i also had another half a mind, and that half said “Fessus you Nitwit, get out while you can before Static gets tired of waiting.”
>So i opted to listen to that half, Help peel Phil and Lloyd away from the melee, and book it out as fast as we could
>The fight was so big Even the Guards abandoned their posts to go join in the fight.
>Run as fast as our legs and carry us to the Van
*Inquistive Beeping noises*
“It’s all good ta go Static now let em rip”
*Satisfied robotic chirps followed by confused ones*
>”Oh come on, what’s the matter?”
“Static dont twll me you misplaced the detonator.”
*Embarrassed Toaster Noises*
>After two minutes of fumbling around in his pockets, Static finally finds the detonator
>And with a nice satisfying Boom sound The Warehouse Collapses in a spectacular fashion
>Well okay not really, it sort of just crumples in on itself.
>Not very spectacular at all to be honest
“huh, i thought it would look more cool
“Once again, the night is saved thanks to: Heavy Explosives Induced Property Damage!”
>”Alright Mission Accomplished, lets head back boys.”
>Be me, Drathor
>The Last Crasher, The Problem Child
>I fething knew my megarachnid sense was tingling
>No sooner then I clear the perimeter of that warehouse, then it goes up in smoke and collapses in on itself
>Along with everything else...
>Still, pretty pleased with myself
>Got some new armour
>Got some new gear
>I think it's been a productive effort
>Time to head home, back to my hab unit, and figure out my next move
>Ditch my disguise, looks like Tartan just went out of style
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>Be me, Jiro
>Zero Flight has been called into action
>We turn as one when our ship in orbit notifies us of the situation
>We have a Tau fleet in orbit, and a mob of greenskins attempting to make planetfall
>Our time to shine
>Kick up the acceleration on Naran Jigüür, listen to his engine purr
>Zero Flight gets notification as we mobilize into action
>Greenskins are dropping a rok down onto the planet's surface
>And some fucked Eldar creature is bragging about the whole thing
>The xeno must be feeling smug
>I think I have something that might change his tune a bit
>The eldar pride themselves on their swiftness, their raiders being, in their eyes, the essence of velocity
>I think it's about time we introduced ourselves
>If the xeno is going to broadcast his stream, he's going to be happy when he use it to track his location
>Turn off weapon safeties
>Hear the howling of wind as me and my brothers prepare for a pass
>Fire our weapons
>Can only imagine what will be passing through the minds of the xenos when our payload hits
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>be me, Julius, the fleshfather
>Walter always knows just how to calm me down
>what a good friend
>and he's right I've got this
>suggest we switch to "the ghosts of Stercus" instead, sounds more professional
>also we'd have to be sneaky since we're ghosts now
>they buy it
>still, a bunch of them got injured in various scraps
>I can fix 'em up no problem, but these guys are getting more and more noticeable with all the new bits
>figure they'd blend in more if the mutations were more widespread
>start getting my followers to grab healthy people to "heal"
>feel a bit guilty, but its mostly upgrades when you think about it
>that and they only seems to be getting happier the more I do it
>quite a few of us now, spread all over the lower levels of the city
>should make me pretty hard to find
>followers got me a fancy looking cloak and staff
>I look great in this
>maybe being a cult leader isn't so bad after all
>I should do something nice for them
>decide I should heal my whole arm, as a sign of solidarity
>whole thing comes out like a bird's talons
>it even still has my lucky extra pinky dangling off it!
>double neat!
>I think things are finally looking up for me
>Be Xerxes, Sorcerer of the Thousand Sons
>Setting up a sorcerous fortress in a formerly abandoned factory
>Now it's teeming with tzaangors
>And rubrics
>No, that's not right
>Rubrics do not "teem"
>They just stand there
>Not moving
>Until you give them a command
>It's always fucking creepy
"Crawk! Xerxes, Xerxes! Just got a message from the big man!"
>Just ignore him
>Maybe he'll go away
>He won't
>But maybe
"A native psyker has started a change cult Xerxes! we should ally with them!"
>Fuck it, fine.
>I create a piece of paper and inscribe onto it the following
>"Dear disciples of change: Your actions have been noticed by the god of change, Tzneetch, and he is pleased by your actions. In response to your accomplishments, please accept these gifts of tzaangors and a rubric. Best wishes, and praise Lord Tzneetch!"
>I staple the note to a rubric's silly hat, round up a few tzaangors, and send them up with the rubric towards that Julius guy
>Now then, I need some bricks...
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>Be Randle Cuthbert, taxi driver, at your service
>meet some interesting fellows
>one gives me my payment with what appears to be a hand of thirty fingers
>tries to offer me medical assistance
>no thank you sir
>he seemed nice
>some goat bird looking thing hops in
>gives me a rock
>sorry I already got one
>offers me holdings in his firm
>no sir we only take imperial thrones
>he tries to hit me with the rock
>whip out shock-goad
>zip away
>stay safe out there my friends, theres some funny characters afoot
>Be Original Commissar
>Pretty sure this planet is cursed by the Ruinous powers just for them to have shits and giggles
>This idea mostly came around when the regiments encountered the Tau again
>except this time they all painted their armor to some autistic purple color and a few of them were dancing towards us
>Even with our helmets on you can just see the confusion plastered on everybody's face
>It only got worse when one of the Captains started noticing other oddities
"My lord is it possible for the Tau to get corrupted by warp spawn"
>Future me immediately grabs his binoculars and then just shouts that the Tau have somehow become Slaanesh worshipers
>It was then that we noticed that these degenerate xenos were getting closer and we could even hear them attempting to woe us
>Decide to take a book out of Bishop boys book and burn everything in front of us
>It was less enjoyable then I thought due to the freaks getting off on being turned into charred cinders
>The worst came from these incredibly dis-proportioned Tau females who screams of ecstasy was so great that it caused the minds of lesser being to explode
>Suffice to say, all the lesser being resided in the New Guardsmen, Stormtroopers just looked uncomfortable with the whole thing
>Make sure the entire area stays on fire after we leave to destroy any lingering taint and set up camp a good ten miles away
>Decide to vox Canoness about this new heresy and ask if any other strange shit has been happening in the city
>Can't be worse out in the wastelands right, right?
>Be Aun'Dik the Etheral
>Well, used to be Aun'Dik
>Now I'm something greater
>Slaanesh has deigned to make me a daemon prince for being the first Tau to do something of this magnitude
>Now the entire ship is singing praises to me
>Everyone here is my bitch now
>We've made some changes
>Everyone has really
>I'm taller now, and I have some rocking tits
>All my sex slaves are now even hotter and possessed by daemonettes
>And we've modified all the battle suits to...
>Their pilots while blasting out sick ass music from their speakers
>Now then, on to making the entire planet my bitch
>First step: Make this planet a fucking party!
>The orbital bombardment guns have been modified to make it fucking rain booze and drugs!
>It's raining booze.hallelujah
>Let's see how these corpse worshiping prudes like having the best fucking liquor in the galaxy rained onto them!
>Be Shas'vre
>we have camped for the night because we've gone far today
>it's been a good day
>I got a battlesuit and thwarted a gue'la sorcerer
>now it's some rest and recovery for me and my men
>look up to the sky and and see something falling
>it is one of those shooting stars the gue'la are obsessed with
>it seems to be getting closer
>o shit
>it is
"move brothers and sisters, clear the way for whatever this is"
>it keeps coming
>it lands with a noise that would wake a krootox
>by the looks of it it is an escape pod
>interesting, I wonder what it is here for?
>suddenly it opens
>this small T'au tumbles out and starts kissing the ground?
>must of come from orbit
>all guns trained on them
"who are you?"
>Be Colonel
>been sitting outside this blimp arguing with a tech priest for what is over two hours now
>I just want a meeting with the man in charge but this mechandrited fuck won't give me one
>he even replied to my message
>can't talk with the Commissars at the moment because they're busy
>I sent him a message to get back to me as soon as he can
>the Magos guy wants to know what I can do for him?
>I'm a guardsmen
>what am I supposed to do for the fucking ad mech?
>I should of put that in my message to the commissar
>might just shoot him another one saying that
>cause the magos sounded mighty shifty when he said that
>hopefully the Commissar(s) know what to do
>cause I sure as fuck don't
>emperor protect me from this bullshit
>when I'm done with this escapade I'm getting that rough rider division ready
>cause why the fuck not
>Be Cpl Carlian Spiceweenius of the Imperial Guard
>My squad has been holding off orks at an outpost south west of the city far off in the wasteland.
>Been slowly getting whittled down over the last few days.
>Overhear on the radio that instead of sending reinforcements the colonel has sent over a bunch of camels instead.
>get startled by sudden noise.
>Some orks appear out of nowhere and attack us.
>my squad valiantly fight to the end against this squad of orks. i am the the last man alive.
>Spot more orks in the distance
>Get the stupid idea to paint my self green with camouflage cream.
>Strip you my boxers and quickly lather my body until its fully green.
>Wave to orks while panicking on the inside
>Orks approach. The biggest one makes his way to the front to greet me,
>he beats the shit out of me anyway/
>Somehow im not dead and begin to feel my bones heal really fast and grow a little.
>It is EXTREAMMMLY PAINFUL, and i have no idea how the fuck this is happening but im not dead so i roll wit it.
>iz follow dem
>they ask my name
>remember that they all call eachother boyz
>they laugh and beat me up again
>somehow im in my underpants and boots painted green pretending to be an ork.
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>be Palatine Sara
>on a rocky outcrop, peaking at the landing site through a telescoping spyglass
>it's a pretty small craft, looks like Tau alloys but arranged in that way only Orks can
>many of them are wearing bits of Tau armor to match the ship, splattered with Ork paint
>carrying pulse rifles, or at least weapons made from them, jagged blades all over
>not a big force, looks like no more than a company's worth
>too many for me and my patrol of six Sisters, though
>at least in a stand-up fight
>the other Sisters take up their own positions
>have Sister Prudence retrieve the rifle from my bike while I keep watching them
>it's an old and simple thing, but well-made and well taken care of
>a polished mesquite stock, a long octagonal barrel, single shot with a falling block action
>load a long brass cartridge with a shining silver bullet covered in inscriptions, crafted in house by the Order
>no multi-stage jet-propelled bolts, no electromagnetic acceleration, no fancy optical aids
>just good old-fashioned gunpowder and a simple iron peep sight
>black powder was mankind's first love, after his flings with the spear and the sword
>and it still serves just fine
>click the set trigger while I set a bead on a big one in plenty of looted ceramic armor
>the other Sisters talk quietly amongst themselves about wind and elevation, but I don't bother
>the Emperor guides my bullet
>exhale slowly and squeeze the trigger
>the others fire their rifles just after mine
>we're too far away for them to hear the shots before they land
>the big Ork is never the wiser before the silver slug enters through his eye, splattering the side of the crashed ship
>the other Sisters catch his friends in their chests, a few stopped by armor
>faith doesn't steer their shots as well as mine, not yet
>but they're learning, and nothing helps that but practice
>eject the smoking cartridge and reach for another one
>there's still plenty to go
>be me, Archon Dathram
>the first thing going through my mind as of now?
Should I jump back to commorragh for more wine?
>all while explosions paint the shield of the tantalus an pretty color
>are we being attacked?
>look to the sky as several mon'keigh fighters pull away from a attack run
>assessing the damage, only like, four venoms were destroyed
>well, that's what happen when you shoot at shielded targets
>do they think they're special because we can't fly up and hit them?
>I'll show them
"Yeah boss?"
"Bring down those aircraft would you kindly."
>he gets that stupid look and hefts his "anti-everything gun"
>it's a dark lance fused to two (fucking two!) splinter cannons with a fucking axe head at the end
>when he asked to make it, the first thought was why. The second was fuck it
>he can swing the thing around like a splinter rifle because he's so damn swole
>I remember him saying he's half... ogre? Ogry? Something or another.
>probaby why he's so stupid
>Kent unleashes a torrent of splinter fire and beams of lance shot
>the shard barrage riddles one craft but dosen't really do much other than scare off the pilot
>but a lance shot gets lucky and rips a wing off another
>this is why I keep him around
>he's stupidly loyal
>he dosen't question my orders
>he just does
>the aircraft seem to wise up and pull away and out of range of the lance
>dosen't mean Kent won't stop trying to hit them
>call in some razor wing fighters and continue the stream
>the ship should touch down any moment now
>a large and blinding flash signals the detonation of the primitive plasma drives
>that'll get'em
>signal for the other units to disperse and pillage freely
>get the tantalus moving again
>I knew today would be fun
>Be me, Jiro of The Solar Hawks
>Xenos have hurt Naran Jigüür
>Wing is clipped
>This might be a problem for some lesser pilots
>But we're Zero Flight
>We live in The Dangerzone
>Drag on my damaged wing means I need to account for a loss of my aerodynamic agility
>But my engines are fine
>Circling around for another attack run
>Xenos think they can hide behind shields
>I wonder how they'll feel when we dance circles around them
>Spot the incoming boogies
>Xenos are mobilizing their own air efforts
>Vox the rest of Zero Flight
>Let's show them who rules the skies
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>Be Randle Cuthbert, taxi driver, at your service
>putting around the outskirts of the city, after some gang scuffle made the road a bit shite
>another customer approaches
>some xeno chick with massive bobs
sorry I have no money, perhaps I could pay you in... some other way
>you cant fool me, I listen to public PSA voxcasts
>zip away
>stop to watch some neat aerial combat going on
>passenger bets be 30 thrones the more spikey one will win
>your on mate
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>be me, Julius, the fleshfather
>be panicking
>theres a space marine just walking straight towards my hideout!
>in broad daylight!
>he's got a pack of bird... things following him
>they're weird, and that's coming from me
>all I know is I didnt make em
>knew I should have had an escape route ready to go
>they're at the door
>y'know I just kind of assumed the boltor bitches would be the ones to do me in
>like that just seemed like the way things were going
>brace for death
>slowly open door in case this is just polite murder
>marine just stands there with this silly hat
>said hat has a note stapled to it
>take note
>I can't read
>but Walter can!
>Walter says these tzaangors and rubric have been gifted to me by Tzeentch's thousand sons
>Walter sighs
>Walter says that the bird-guys and the space marine are friendly and will do what I say
>double neat!
>turns out the space marine is super helpful, and a great listener to boot
>decide to name him Walter since he's so tall
>I miss Walter
>the old old one not the new old one or the new new one
>the bird things are great as well
>they seem to like playing fetch with bricks so they're great with families
>Im still worried that the sororitas might have seen them
>I'm less worried when I try the new rain
Is it normal to think if this guy had his way, he would have a bunch of Necrons trapped and dressed in raunchy lingerie?
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Now that is some next level tech heresy
>Be Big Mek Krom-Dom
>Be directin' me grots ta weld on some more metal bitz on da Krooza's front
>Looks like da boss wanna do wot 'e calls 'Da Krump Manuva'
>Some of me grot sez we'z be hittin' da humie world's air, no way they can weld while burnin'
>I smack da idjit wif ma shiny dom-'ed
>Told 'im dat dis way we'z savin' flamma-welda fuel, just stick em and dey be weldin' demself up!
>Send dat git out again
>From da windo, dis toim
>Oi, izzat panzee ship gettin' closer?
>Wun of 'em really wanna foight, I sees
>Watch it get shot at by da Krooza's dakka
>Fiddy must've gotten ahold of da dakka
>Ou, noice shot Fiddy
>Right in dem enjun
>Panzee ship be swervin' to da front of da Krooza
>Looks like the grots did dat weldin' correct
>Alarm squig yells
>Da Krump Maneuva gonna happen
>Looks like da boss found a good tarjit
>Izza buncha blue git force, noice
>Looks like dey be beaten up already
>Tuff Luk
>Waitin' fer second SMACK ta happen
>Can't wait to loot fer new bitz
>Be Flash Nob Fiddy-Teef
>An' yes, I do have fiddy teef in me gob
>Not countin' the ones I got from krumpin' ovva orks
>Or ovva gits, either
>Deez ovva teef I put in chainz an' sheeeit, even had de Mek Krom make it shiny
>Long story short I iz flashiest in Boss 'Ead-Krumpa's kru
>An' I just shot some panzee-ass niggit's ship up
>Panzees get krumped by da Krooza
>Fugg yee
>An' da Krooza about ta land
>Fugg yee
>As da Krooza fell, see that ovva Orks got ahead of us
>They be usin'... blue git bitz?
>That be her... hersh... right unorky
>Krooza slams into landin'
>Still in Krooza kannon
>Looks like da Boss smacked da Krooza right up some blue git's gang
>See da blue git bit Orks get krumped by dis old-timey humie gang
>Kannon's outta ammo, jump outta kannon an' lit da blue gits proper
>O I lov bein' an Ork

>Be Mal'Caor
>Stumble out of my pod
>Find myself staring down the barrels of a dozen pulse carbines
>Attached to a similar number of firewarriors
>Panic, think that Aun'Dickhead's found me already
>Wait, red armour
>Oh thank fuck
>The one I assume is their leader demands to know who I am
>Try to string a coherent sentence together
>"Hi, GREAT to see you, name's Mal'Caor, and I'm FUCKING DEFECTING because our ethereal's gone rrrrrright off the deep end!"
>"Sorry if I sound a bit, uh, out of my path-damned mind right now, haha, having a rough day, won't be able to forget the SHIT I'VE SEEN, y'know how it is!"
>Start giggling uncontrollably
>Might be sobbing
>I can't tell at this point
>Be Matriarch Cecilia of the Family
>Moving our operation from small church in the slums to small cathedral in a slightly nicer part of town
>Slightly nicer
>Angel's Landing is still mostly rubble
>The cathedral went up real quickly
>The construction workers of this city are getting good at their jobs
>Probably because massive explosions and xenos raids are a daily thing nowadays
>Orks and Dark Eldar are out in force today
>And many have come to the Cathedral of The Emperor's Alms to pray
>Yes, I said Alms
>One of my children suggested I change it from Arms since that was a bit too on the nose
>I give these huddled masses a sermon
>"Fellow children of the Imperium, those who walk in the Emperor's light, today foul xenos roam our streets in greater force. You must remain vigilant, for among them are the xenos known as Eldar, who mock the human form by resembling it. Some Eldar are able to pass as human at a distance, but do not be fooled, for they are infiltrators and thieves! We who follow the Emperor are a great family, and families protect each other! Remember, our family is good, we walk in the Emperor's light; we will protect your from foul heretics and xenos! The Emperor protects!"
>I leave as the crowd does their whole adoration thing
>loved by the masses.suchagreatgal
>Enter into the particularly well hidden subbasement
>I managed to secure secrecy for this thing with just a kiss
>I strip of my heavy robes and allow all four of my arms to move freely.
>Oh how do I dream of the day when I will be able to walk among my flock, all four of my arms visible
>But that day is not today
>Today is a day of plans
>I call out to one of our few remaining purestrain brothers still in the city, and I tell him to don the costume I gave him and rescue civilians from these Dark Eldar raiders
>Yes, you have to wear the costume
>Mommy made is special just for you
>Don't "awwwww mom" me mister
>Just do it
>I'll give you some of Mrs. Markham's cookies even
>That gets his attention
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>A Public Service Announcement from the Ecclesiarchy and your pal The Bishop!
>Today we're going to discuss TECH HERESY
>What exactly is Tech Heresy?
>Well, that's an incredibly complicated question which involves intricate technical knowledge, rote memorization of approved technical forms, and a bunch of other stuff YOU don't have to worry about!
>Your thoughts should remain focused on the important things in life: Burning the Xeno, Venerating The Emperor, and Burning the Heretic!
>So how do you avoid committing tech heresy? That's simple!
>Use only technology supplied to you by The Ecclesiarchy or sold by an Ecclesiarchy Sanctioned retailer.
>Any strange technology you happen to find while out there purging for The Emperor should be turned in to your pal The Bishop so that it may be evaluated. In this, as in all things, The Bishop is your shepherd.
>However, some of you may have run into a small issue since the arrival of the Adeptus Mechanicus on our planet.
>What if one of the Tech Priests tells you that they suspect your equipment or actions constitute Tech Heresy?
>Well, first, Be Nice! Due to their obsession with technology and lack of exercise, members of the Adeptus Mechanicus tend to be shy, unattractive, and completely unable to navigate even basic social situations. While you may find their demeanor off-putting, try to remember that they can't help it.
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>Second, Be Cautious! The strange version of the Imperial Creed practiced by the Adeptus Mechanicus is colored by their obsession with technology. Like all interpretations which differ from the pure message of The Emperor as communicated to you by your pal The Bishop, their beliefs are wrong.
>The fundamental flaws in their style of venerating the Emperor means that very often even well-meaning members of the Mechanicus fall to heresy.
>That means that the guy accusing you of "tech heresy" may actually be a heretic himself! As such, they cannot be trusted.
>Which leads us to our third and final step: Seek Counsel! Because the Adeptus Mechanicus are socially stunted sometimes-heretics, you should only deal with them through the Ecclesiarchy.
>If you have a dispute over technology with a member of the Mechanicus, tell him he'll have to talk to your priest! Immediately report to your nearest Bishop-Appointed Ecclesiarchal Tech Advocate and let us deal with the Ad Mech for you.
>If the Ad Mech refuses to report to your Ecclesiarchal Tech Advocate, then he is a heretic attempting to fool you with devious schemes!
>And you know how to deal with heretics!
>Be Marcus
>Well Destroying the Tartan’s Obscura production Warehouse base obviously didn’t wipe out the Tartans for good
>It didnt even lessen the number of drugs in the city as apparantly, it now litterally rains drugs in Angel’s Landing
>Makes about as much sense as everything else goin on here to be honest.
>It did however, cause the various gangs all to start bashin each other’s skulls in, probably blamin each other over who’s fault it was, like the contentious bastards they are.
>They’re still plentiful, but it’ll take time for whoever’s leadin ‘em to get them back together again
>Since they’ve just lost one of their most profitable businesses, and started succumbin to infighting, this has left Admech free to flex it’s muscles and fill the newly created power vacuum.
>Since they’ve started gaining more power in the streets and getting more recruits, they’ve been needing us less and less for breakin heads
>For the past couple days they’ve just been sendin us on easy raids of Tau-tech stashes that they manage to find with they’re informants
>It’s pretty easy, since they often have to have minimal gaurds ao as to not attract attention
>So for right now we’ve actually got some free time
>And for the first time in a Long while, we actually have money to spend during it
>Decarus has gone to go find his girlfriend and take her out to Dinner
>Phil bought himself a new painting set
>Lloyd wandered off somewhere, said something about startin another Base-foot-basket-hockey-ball League in Angel’s Landing
>Fessus wants to got have his money make ever MORE money by investing in some firms or whatever
>i swear the man’s greed gets the better of him too often
>as for me, all i nees is a cool drink and a comfy chair to relax on a day like this
>oh bloody hell it looks like it’s gonna rain again.
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>Be Sister Sarah of the Order of the Ermine Mantle
>Sarah, not Sara, the palatine from the Golden Light order
>Maybe that's why nobody ever fucking remembers me!
>No... it's not that. Nobody remembered me even before we came to this Emperor forsaken planet
>Every day I wish for exterminatus.jpg
>I'm on patrol right now
>Not really because I was ordered to go on patrol
>I haven't gotten an order for months
>I've petitioned Canoness Konstanzia for an actual duty
>But she just looks at me with her creepy fucking eyes and goes "Who're you?"
>Dear Emperor, she is the worst
>I even dyed my hair the same color as her's to get her attention, but no.
>I'd even put up with the bad poetry or cowboy getup of the other two orders
>But the Canoness would still need to submit the paperwork for my transfer
>Which would require her to notice me long enough to recognize my request
>And then care enough to actually do the work
>not happening.almostmakesyouwanttogoheretic
>So I just give myself duties
>Like sweeping the floor
>Or patrolling
>A vile abhuman comes up to me, asking me about joining his investment firm
>If the quartermaster would ever bother to give me promethium for my flamer, I would burn his mockery of the human form alive
>Unfortunately, I only have a bolter, the bird-thing is rather close, and it has a sword
>Faith dictates I open fire
>Logic dictates I do not, because he would stab me
>Logic wins as it allows more faith later
>The creature gives me a rock then runs away
>Well... it is my birthday
>Not that anyone remembers
>I'm deciding that this is my birthday presence
>Fuck it, I'm going to go eat a whole cake
>Don't care if I end up like Olga
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>Be Brick
>Street toughs are no longer street toughs
>They are now street investment consultants!
>Brick know many things about investment!
>Brick has acquired second lucky brick after a weakling threw it at Brick!
>Brick bashed in weakling's skull with brick!
>Ha, Brick know funny joke!
>Brick is cornering market in lucky bricks
>Up and coming investment opportunities
>Steal low, sell high!
>Brick be very smart
>That is why Brick listen to lucky brick's advice
>Brick requires currency in order to more efficiently smooth commercial interactions
>Brick to head work, but leaves other party unable to make further transactions
>Is fun though
>But Brick aspire to be CEO of...
>New investment consultants get sign-on bonus
>Own lucky brick
>To be applied directly to forehead
>Consultants need strong head, or be dead
>Dead consultant taste good with ketchup!
>Be Carlian Spiceweenius
>been wanderning around wid deez orkz for a while now
>Wez been killin them eldar for a bitz, i even beat one to death with my lasrifle
>it felt good
>I ave no idea but i ve gots a whole foot biggah
>im bout 6'5 now.
>tfw no longer manlet
>im starting ta thinkz like a warboy
>i dont know how this willz go
>here radio at the next deserted outpost we come across
>somethin about tech heresy
>he sounds like a wimp, i want to grind his skull in with my boot
>meet up with more orks, the boz nashy'nashta gets his arse stomped by bigger ork named shiggydiggy.
>im with shiggydiggy now, there is about 1000 of uz now
>new boz sayz we eadin to da cite
>imperium in cite
>maybe theyz canz elp me
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>Be me, Sister Olga of the Order of the Ermine Mantle
>And I've been screwed again.
>Well, figuratively. Literally, I can't seem to get screwed at all.
>And I'm not a thirsty whore like Charlotte or a sexual predator like Terese, but it's starting to drive me crazy.
>I've got the perfect man. He's big, strong, big, and he's like the nicest guy.
>And, like, I don't mean nice in a bitchy way. I actually like nice. Spending your life in the cattiest order in the Sororitas means that being around someone who doesn't think you name is "Fat Whore" is REALLY refreshing.
>People shouldn't constantly insult each other. It can really wear down on a person.
>And, like, I'm a mature person so get that.
>Not mature as in old, like the Canoness's ancient ass, I'm just not petty and mean like them.
>But, like, I think the nice might be getting in the way. Because like I love our dates and our talks and oh my Emperor can that man hold a hand.
>But he won't make a move. And, like, I don't want him to think I'm some thirsty slut that, like, has to beg for it so I'm not making the first move.
>Plus I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm a virgin for some reason, so it'd probably throw him off.
>And, like, I would never lie to him but he hasn't asked and I don't want to mess things up and there have only been a few.
>But anyway, I was finally going to try to talk to him about it because he seems completely incapable of taking a hint.
>Made arrangements to meet him this afternoon.
>Then the Canoness comes back from trying to seduce some Ad Mech guy or something.
>Guess he wasn't into it. Maybe he noticed the hidden array of archeotech that keeps her tits off the floor.
>Suggest she check out this Faithbook page for Older Singles.
>She's in denial. Gets mad.
>Tells me to report to The Governess' mansion immediately for Bishop Duty.
>Going to miss my date.
>Be Phillip
>Find myself looking at a gorgeous view of Angel’s landing.
>I’ll admit, It took quite a bit of searching to find a view of the city that was more than just rubble and explosions, and i did have to put on some protective gear to avoid the narcotics rain showers, but it was well worth it
>It’s so nice to be able to see this place as the beason of human hope and resiliance it’s supposed to be
>and not the seedy den of desparados it’s become
>I feel ought to capture this view in painting
>It is fortunate i brought my new set and a fresh canvas
>Truth be told, i always painting sceneries to be quite cathartic
>It helps to take my mind off the issues at hand
>Like our current predicament for instance
>Honestly i havent found being in the employ of these crooks to be anymore palatable than when we started
>Fessus tries to assert that we are freeing Angel’s landing from the grip of criminal scum, but that is nothing more than a rationalization
>We are not freeing the city, only causing it to change hands to an equally villianous force, dressed in the cloth of legitimacy
>And while we may be in their graces now, that could just as easily change at the drop of a hat
>I have no doubt Cosanostra would have us all servitored without a second thought if it served his purposes
>The only aspect of his that rivals his stature is his greed
>But Fessus is too preoccupied with his ill gotten riches to notice
>Sure, it is criminals we trouble now, but what if tomorrow it’s civilians, or the Sisters? Or the Guard?
>We need to escape before this escalates into a full-blow war
>One which we may end up being on the wrong side of
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>Be me, Juris Magos Anthony Cosanostro
>Looking at the reports from the guardsmen I got out there crackin skulls.
>They're actually doin pretty well for a Buncha Agriworld yokels, but this city is gettin worse by the minute.
>It looks like the only thing that was keeping it from filling up with xenos, heretics, and criminals was the fact that they set half the fuckin population on fire every month.
>And yet with all this shit goin on, the city still doesn't have a single place that can make a decent sauce.
>Hear reports about Tau, heretics, some sort of fucked up rain.
>Sounds like they're in for a good time down there. No fuckin sweat off my balls though, my interests are elsewhere.
>Finally have this Colonel brought up to the ship.
>Don't usually give a fuck about guardsmen, but maybe this guy'll end up as useful as those other mooks.
>He wants tanks.
>Fagetaboutit, I got all da tanks you could ever want.
>I also got all the shit that you're supposed to have but that the administratum never actually delivers.
>But, I don't waste tech. These things are sacred fuckin symbols of the Omnissiah's power.
>So, if you're gonna use my equipment I need you to do somethin I don't think falls within the guards playbook.
>Instead of dyin in this worthless heretical city during the next big shitstorm, you come work for me. Your regiment will be officially attached to the Ad Mech operations here.
>You'll relocate all of your forces to the Necron dig site, to keep it safe. You'll deal with any spillover xenos attacks and help the researchers take down any threats that wake up. Should be easy work compared to Angel's Landing.
>So whaddya think? You want a Buncha tanks and a long life or you wanna die in some alley by that Cathedral while your regiment gets gangfucked by six different types a xenos?
>Be Future Commissar
>Turns out Chaos Tau like booze and have access to it through some sort of degenerate warp fuckery
>We learned this thanks to it fucking raining booze from the sky, which originated from their main ship
>The fuckers are using it against the untold navies in the void
>It became more of an annoyance due to it slightly boosting the degenerate Tau who are starting to sprout claws and shit
>All these factors convinced the Tau they can go toe to toe with us at melee
>The only thing that has stayed consistent on this planet is that Tau will always suck as at melee unless in a mech suit which for some reason we haven't encountered yet (should probably be more concerned about that)
>On the bright side, the guards is able to release the sexual frustration that these degenerates are causing thanks to warp fuckery through glorious melee combat, I even got to use the baneblade for a melee charge
>Though all that was some what ruined when I reported our updates to Angles Landing and heard what was going on
>The entire city is now just a fuck massive gang war and is currently being attacked by Dark Eldar and Greenskins, again
>Its not helped by the fact that the Admech representative and Bishop boy are practically beginning for a civil war
>Tried to get the Inquisition to attempt to calm down but they are still processing everything that is happening on this planet
>On the bright side, I finally found enough vehicles to give to that one Colonel so he should be free of Admech influence if shit hits the fan again and a civil war strikes
>But just in case other me sent Lady Commissar with the Colonel a Lemun Russ with a note to remind the Colonel to stay neutral in case he wants to pick a side
>Well at least we hope it will reach them, those fucking thief necrons keep popping up to raid us during our fights with these chaos tau
>Swear they are only doing it because the Magpies are further down south and they need somebody to satisfy their addiction
>Fucking xeno
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>I'm Brigitte
>Just kind of hanging out in the Cathedral
>Spent six hours in a nearby town that still has people in it shooting holy fire at Tyranids
>Nobody ever told me being a Saint would be so exhausting!
>The people were nice though
>This sweet old lady sent me back with a whole bunch of little chocolate amandine cakes to take home to the Sisters, I was so excited
>I had two
>All the Sisters not busy out fighting all the things we have to fight are worrying over those Mechanicum guys
>Aren't they our friends?
>I wish everyone could just get along so we could fight Orks and Tyranids together
>That really pretty Famulous lady Karmistha who always wears the nice dresses comes up to me
>I have trouble saying her name but she has a really good smile and always gives me such nice compliments
>She shows me a picture and asks if I know who this is
>I do, it's Decarus, that nice medic from the hospital
>She says they think he and his friends are working for Juris Magos Cosanostro
>From her tone that's not good
>She asks if I'd be willing to go and talk to them with her, try to get them to help the Sisters
>Of course!
>As long as I don't have to fight anything or fly very far
>I'm all lasered out
>Be me, Jaren Artorius, Primaris Sergeant for the Broken Shields.
>And in not fucking clueless!
>Been getting some weird "signals", for the last few days from Olga the sweet.
>I gave her a nickname, fuck-off.
>Anyways, during our last few dates. She was constantly making hints towards wanting something out of me. I'm just not entirely sure "what" that could be...
>She always seems to be starring at my left hand, whenever we hold hands during our "patrols". Sometimes Her thighs start rubbing together, and she momentarily bites her lower lip, when she thinks I'm not looking.
>At first I figured she was merely getting sick. What with her face getting red, and her breathing becoming more shallow, when these "signals" happen. But that doesnt seen to be the case.
>Everytime I'd press my forehead against her's, in an effort to gauge if she's got a fever, she'd grab me by the cheeks, and pull me in for a kiss.
>She'd then ask something along the lines of "Do you want to play doctor"
>That seemed to quiet her down quite a bit.... Atleast for awhile...
>Sometimes she'll ask if I "Want to bang up the heretic with my power sword"
>And now, out of the blue, she's asked me to meet her outside this expensive looking hotel near the cathedral later this afternoon.
>Tell her I'd be happy to meet her there. But realise she's got this look to her eyes. Like she's eyeing me up for something.
>On my way back to base, I finally managed to put 2 and 2 together.
>I-I think she w-wants me to propose to her!
>I'm gonna have to talk to the Captain about this. Maybe he can give me some advice on the matter!
>Be Captain Thorn
>Holy fuck this one Chadmarine is more dense then the Aggressor armor he wears
>All the other marines on this shithole have started making a betting pool seeing if he will get the hint or his THICCCC sister gf will snap and find some bullshit way to go down on him
>Currently the only marine who is betting on this Chad Sargent getting the hint and "get into the eye of terror (fuck whoever came up with that)" is some Leviathan Dreadnought
>Others thought about betting with said Dreadnought but we all know that the Chadmarine is more clueless then a hive worlder
>Either way everybody is laughing their asses off over this, Uncle Guilliman will probably have to make a codex about how to get a hint if his sons are this clue less
>Be me, Captain Marek Avalon, second company commander for the Broken Shields.
>And kinda out of my element.
>Second squad's Sergeant, Jaren Artorius just barged into my office, demanding I speak with him.
>He's more freaked out than a lone guardsmen, in-front of sixteen chaos marines.
>Ask him what could possibly be so worrying to him.
>He pretty much starts screaming out-
>Politely tell him to calm the fuck down, and tell me what's going on.
>He goes on a long-ass tangent about this sister of battle he's been dating, and how for the last week or so, she's been giving him these weird "signals"
>That's right. He's saying that sister. Olma, or something?
>Ask him to explain to me these "signal's", she's been giving him.
>I shit you not, after spending nearly twenty minutes giving me various examples, I can only come to one conclusion...
>Have to hold myself back from laughing at my Sergeant's "misfortune" and idiocy, lest I tarnish his honour.
>He fucking thinks she wants him to propose to her. Dear Emperor!
>Spend almost an hour having to explain what exactly is going on with her.
"Sergeant. She wants to become closer with you."
"What exactly are you talking about? I spend alot of time with her quite litterally, in my lap, or holding onto my arm."
>Ah to be young and in-love again.
"No sergeant. Not like that. She wants you to... How do I say this...? "Purge the heresy within her depths".
"Sir, if she wishes for he rbody to be purified, should she not talk to priest?"
"No sergeant, that's not what I mean. How should I put this... She wants you to "Fill her with love", "shatter her pelvis", "make the beast with two backs".
"Sir, I really don't understand... None of this makes sense to me..."
>Be me, The Best Seneschal in The Ecclesiarchy
>Take the xenos to one of my safe houses.
>Call the situation in so that extra guards meet us on location. Describe him as a captive for interrogation to avoid any immediate issues.
>I really just want more witnesses.
>Tell him we're going to have to search him.
>They find the drone control device.
>Ask him what it is. Get him talking.
>Eventually lead the conversation towards my desired outcome. He must have subconsciously exerted control on the drones through the device, wanting desperately to protect The Bishop.
>I can tell already that none of the my attendants like what's going on, the guards are all clearly at the edge of lighting this little fella up.
>I've technically already got what I need, but I actually see a ton of use in a Tau this pliable.
>Ask him to start telling us about the Tau Fleets threatening the planet. That should get the fingers off of the triggers, at least for now.
>Send a lengthy message to the Head Fanatic, explaining that this xenos claims to have heard his words and is marked by fate and blah blah blah
>Reply comes back instantly "Burn him."
>Explain the Aquila birthmark and all of the signs I made up in the little xenos past.
>"Xenos lies. The Emperor does not speak to filth. Burn him."
>Fuck, alright, new approach.
>Tell the truth, or most of it. The little xeno claims to have heard the Bishop's sermons and seen the light of the Emperor. Tell the little pipsqueak that his words were so inspiring this creature has turned away from its society and species to bow before your holiness.
>This time there is a delay before the reply finally comes. "Let me get back to you..."
>After trying several different ways to subtly say "she wants sum fun", I decide to just come out and say it.
"Sergeant, what I'm trying to tell you, is she wants to have sex with you."
>It took all of ten seconds before what I said, finally reached him.
>I swear, the look he gave me, when the wall came crashing down. Is something I will remember and laugh at, for the rest of my days.
>He starts freaking the fuck out!
>I'm Tell him to calm down, and relax.
>Remind him, that He's faced off against some of the greatest horror's the galaxy has ever seen. This really shouldn't be such a problem for him.
>He only just left my office, and I'm still laughing my ass off
>Be me, Sergeant Jaren Artorius.
>And apparently, I'm a fucking idiot!
>HTF could I have been so stupid, and blind!
>All the signals were there. I'm just too stupid to decode them!
>It also explains why those fucktard lemons that Dorn call "sons", were whispering whenever they saw me.
>I had it spend almost two hours talking with my genebrother, and adopted father, Marek, before it finally dawned on me what the hell was happening with Olga.
>I should probably find some way too make it up to her...
>Shit! That reminds me that my "date" is in less than an hour with her!
>Oh fuck! I'm not mentally ready for this shit! What the fuck do I do? What the fuck do I do!?!
>Guilliman, grant me your wisdom!
>Be me, Jiro of The Solar Hawks
>Skies are filled with debris from the ork rok assault
>What isn't rock is either xeno aircraft, or some alcohol
>Needless to say, even Zero Flight is getting pushed to the limit
>Right where we like to be
>Get Faithbook notification
>Almost crash into a Dark Eldar fighter from the distraction
>Spray the air with some covering fire
>Open the notification
>Other marines are setting up a gambling pool of some kind
>Read more
>Solar Hawks are out here flying high in apocalypse skies
>Broken Shields are having a Birds and Bees discussion
>Fucking chadmarines
>Be Palatine Barbastella
>I look out morosely at the unholy narcotic rain as it fizzles against the cathedral's blessed windows
>With Palatine Sara in the wastes and the Canoness occupied with the political situation, it has fallen to me to maintain the defense of the city
>Suffice it to say, I am beginning to understand her constant foul temper
>The sheer bedlam that constitutes the Imperial presence on this world is astounding
>Multiple AWOL guardsman regiments, conflicting orders, internecine squabbling between supposed "allies"
>Not to mention the crime spreading across the devastated city
>I would call it a miracle that we've survived this long, but given the state of affairs it seems inappropriate
>Underpinning all this is the knowledge that the genestealer threat has not been quashed, merely abated
>Or as Dahlia put it, a cancer in remission
>What sparse resources and personnel I can spare to investigate Cecilia's whereabouts have turned up nothing
>We have found no active nests, only emaciated stragglers scattered across the outskirts
>None of the common signs of cult activity have manifested
>I can only assume that she's biding her time, attempting to rebuild what the one who turned her started
>Regardless, it would be remiss to not continue to be vigilant

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>Thus I am currently finishing off a debriefing with Sister Maria's undercity patrol
>It's taking longer than expected
>While I cannot fault her fervour, Sister Nyx's account of the mission is...
>Sister Annmarie is glaring at her with a mix of disbelief and embarrassment as Nyx animatedly describes grinding one of the beasts under the wheels of her hearse
>Maria seems to be trying desperately not to laugh
>After the tirade subsides, I ask if they have anything else to report
"Well, we also found this new cathedral, church of the emperor's arms-"
"They spelt it arms!"
>Thankfully this argument is interrupted by Ophelia handing me a dataslate of the latest intel around Angel's Landing
>Surviving orks from the airborne assault are causing havoc in the city
>While some Dark Eldar are raiding refugee camps on the outskirts in the chaos
>Well, at least this is a straightforward problem to solve
>Pick up my sabre
>Tell the Sepulchre to mobilise
>Emperor, may you grant us a good death
>But if it is not our time, then grant us victory
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>Be Marcus
>”Hey guys what’s with Decarus?”
“Ah he he couldn't find his girlfriend in the city so he’s sulking over it”
“No i’m not! I’m just...stweing in my disappointment is all.”
“You’re sulking Decarus.”
“No I’m not.”
“Yes you are.”
“No i’m no-“
“Focus people! We’re going to reach the beacon the informant set down soon, check your equipment now while you still have time.”
“Phil We’ve tripled-checked by now. Everything’s fine.”
>”It’s just a xenotech cache raid, just a few guards af most. We've done this a dozen times by now. What’s got you so worked up?”
“I can’t quite say. Something about this just feels off.”
“Maybe it was something you ate?”
“I’m being serious, Decarus!”
*dismissive beep-boops*
“Static’s right you’re just being paranoid old man.”
“We’re Guardsmen, we are supposed to be paranoid. And i’m only five years older than you Lloyd.”
“Cut it out guys, we’re here. Look alive.”
>The beacon led us to some abandoned mega-store on the edge of the city.
>We wak over the broken remains of the door, ready to mow down whatever meager resistance they’ve got.
>Only to find even less than we expected.
“Man, this place is completely empty! Doesnt look to be a soul in sight.”
*Dissapointed fax machine*
“I guess with it being this out of the way, they figured nobody else but them would even come here.”
“The Beacon must be further inside, everybody keep moving.”
>The Beacon’s pulls us further down into what appears to be an under ground storage area
>The whole time we dont see a single sogn of life
>Yet i swear i can feel this itch like someone’s watching me
>finally find the room where the beacon is
“What, that’s it? There’s nothing here
“Static, have the skull scan, mayby the Boxes are cloaked”
>Or maybe something else is
>reflexively jump to cover at the sound of pulse fire
>”Get down! It’s an ambush!”
>be me, Julius, the fleshfather
>well, the drugs were fun while they lasted
>I thought my lungs might be getting damaged by constantly inhaling the boozedrugs
>so I healed them
>now my torso is covered in scales and I can't get high anymore
>which means I'm worried again
>mostly about the ridiculous amount of gang violence going on in the city right now
>not that I'm really in danger with my bodyguard, Walter
>the new new one not the old new one or the old old one
>the gang war does have its upside though
>injured citizens are being brought to me en masse
>meaning my flock has swelled even further
>Walter says that some of the new members are susceptible to the energies of the warp
>Walter sighs
>Walter says the my new friends can to brain things like me
>I tell him I understood him the first time, I'm not stupid
>Walter is quiet
>he must be impressed
>I'm going to go round up all my new psyker pals
>I can't wait to see what we can do once I've shown them the ropes
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>Be me, The Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>Be pretty bored honestly.
>I like preparing my sermons and guiding the flock, but part of me misses the Crusade. But the Emperor has guided me towards this so it must be what he wants.
>Doesn't make much sense for me to be running around with a flamer anymore though. The city is pretty stable even with the xenos attacks and it's not like we lack troops anymore.
>Seneschal called me about some xenos traitor. Obviously want it burned, but if the stuff Seneschal is saying is true, maybe it's part of The Emperor's plan? His will used to be pretty obvious, but now that everything is so slow and quiet it can be hard to tell.
>I'm going to have to... think about it.
>Decide to go hang out with Sargent Thorn and his marines. They're pretty good guys. It's nice being around people that don't hang on my every word once in awhile.
>Tell war stories mostly. Some of them have seen some insane battles. I've got a few good ones from the Crusade though.
>I don't think they get the one about the Psyker Nurgle Cultist yelling about my wife.
>One of them starts talking about some bet that's going around the marine chapters.
>I can't believe what I'm hearing. Apparently, my new Bodyguard Sister Olga is trying to seduce some innocent Primaris Marine.
>Insist it can't be true. After all, she's a Sister of Battle and surely she has heard my sermons and PSAs about pre-marital sex. Besides, she's fat and mean and I hate her.
>But they insist it's true. Apparently the news is spreading like wildfire.
>The imagery gets my attention. Fire does spread quickly. Fire is truly one of The Emperor's greatest gifts.
>Tell them their wagers are safe.
>I won't allow this, it would undermine my pre-marital sex PSAs. And it would be sinful behavior. And it's also just gross.
>Going to have a talk with Sister Olga
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>Be Super Genestealer!
>John Williams.mp3
>Well, not really
>I'm just a purestrain genestealer
>Mommy says I'm Super Genestealer
>But I feel like she just put me in a blue bodysuit, red underwear, and a cape. I also have an "S" on my chest.
>Mommy might be crazy. I remember when she was just sister, but ever since Daddy died, Mommy's been in charge
>Mommy also glued piece of hair to my head and strapped bits of old armor to my body
>She calls it "backup plan B"
>I don't know what that means
>Mommy has told me to go save some humans from Orks and Eldar, and then not to give the humans the Kiss
>Why can't I kiss them mommy?
>Fine. Whatever. I'll go save some humans
>See a small family being terrorized by a spiky eldar. The eldar says he's going to make their skin into a stylish pair of boots.
>"Not if Super Genestealer has anything to say about it!"
>Is what I would yell if I had vocal chords
>Instead I just let out a hissing scream and pounce on him.
>Spiky eldar defeated
>Family still terrified by me
>Because, ya know, I'm a genestealer
>In a silly costume
>With pieces of my mom's hair and armor glued to me.
>Well, I can't infect the humans, but Mommy did tell me to do something special with all the xenos I defeated
>I give the fallen eldar a kiss and quickly attach him to a special part of the brood's psychic network before clearing a tall building in a single bound!
>The eldar stands speaks "You have been saved by Super Genestealer! Please accept the gift of this xenos slave!"
>The mind controlled creature will do whatever they tell them now.
>Give them "gifts" mommy says
>Sure mom, then they'll stop lighting us on fire.
>I wish dad was still alive.sadness
>Be me, Sister Olga
>I knew the Canoness was a bitch, but how could she do this to me?
>Send me to fight through the sewers or leave me behind to "hold the enemy"
>But putting my under this little prick's command? This is really going to far.
>Now, I've got this little twerp ranting and raving at me about my boyfriend.
>Apparently everyone is talking about us.
>Like what is everyone always so obsessed with me? I just want to be left alone and hopefully finally hook up with Jaren.
>I'm supposed to be meeting him right now, but The Bishop won't quit preaching at me.
>He starts putting on recordings of his sermons and PSAs.
>He stares at me the whole time they're playing.
>Keeps asking me "Did you hear that part? Pay attention to this."
>I'm trying to figure out how I can kill him while making it look like an accident.
>I try to tell him that I totally get it and we're just praying together, but it comes out a little more hostile than I intended.
>He gets even madder.
>Tell him that it's really none of his business as we're both adults and it's not a crime. Well, that's what I basically said.
>Now, he's furious.
>Says peacetime has allowed corruption to spread throughout the city.
>Tells me to pack my gear.
>Says we're going to war.
>Be me, Sergeant Jaren Artorius.
>By sheer luck and good grace, I've managed to make it to the meeting spot, with exactly three minutes to spare.
>So, I decide to take a seat outside by the statue near the cathedral and wait.
>And I wait...
>And wait...
>And wait some more...
>And I keep waiting....
>Its been an hour now...
>Its been two hours now....
>I'm starting to get worried...
>Its now been three hours since we were supposed to meet up. And there is no sign of my Darling, Olga, anywhere.
>...She isn't coming, is she?
>...No.... No she's not...
>She probably got sick and tired of my cluelessness.
>Stand up, as, for the first time in the planet's history, it begins to rain.
>And when it starts raining, it begins pissing rain like waterfall.
>Apparently the planet agrees
>Be Sister Sarah
>Not that cowgirl chick Sara
>Sarah. With an "h"
>I hope that if I keep telling people that, they'll finally remember that I exist
>Seriously, fucking Olga is getting attention now
>And it's not just for her weight
>Now EVERYBODY's talking her wanting to fuck the space marine
>I mean, we were always talking about it
>But now they're doing it all the time
>I wonder if I could gain weight, kill Olga, and take her place?
>I don't think that's heresy right?
>That's just a personal vendetta.
>You know, since the Canoness can't seemingly pay attention to me, I could assassinate her
>Probably not worth it
>She'd think she slit her own throat, never fucking noticing me
>Emperor damn it all.
>I'm heading towards the refugee centers, mowing down dark eldar in their flimsy ass armor
>I see a group of civilians just beating one of them as the dark eldar just takes it.
>Fucking kinky elves
>Just laying down as civilians beat them
>Wait, is that a fucking genestealer!?
>Is it wearing a cape!?
>Why does it have an "S" on its chest?
>Wait... does it have fragments of Sororitas armor on it?
>Wasn't there a Sister from the goth chicks that fell to the gene stealers?
>Oh shit.jpg
>I gotta tell somebody!
>Nobody ever fucking listens to Sarah
>I'm just gonna go kill more eldar
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>Be me Planetary Governess
>Well, that was rather annoying fugging dark eldar
>And now this Magos Guy wants to meet secretly with me
>Well, for that he comes some months to late, Admech Guys are not that bad when you get them out of their shell first
>We see about that toastershagger, you can meet us on our terms, this is our planet nonetheless
>Also he is fat.
>Not my fetisch
> Anymore
>Babe makes such cool announcements, he really helps me keeping the people happy
>Seek for babe, he is talking to my new bodyguard
>Like her, a bit thicc, but whatever, If I weren't married I probaply would tour the bars with her, seems kinda bro (girl)
>Apparently she has a qt boy she wants to have fun with but babe plays his sermons
>But, whats the problem?
>If she wants that guy, she just could marry him, as a servant she surely gets a discount
>Apparently the boy in question is a Marine
>Don't see the problem
>Gal, I had larger.png
>Cuddle a bit with babe
"See, if there a so strong in love, we should help them, shouldn't we? There is something magical just like with us."
"Why don't we remember how our first night was in detail after that? You know, just us two some pizza, Cruziflix and Chill...."
>Be Leviathan Dreadnought
>Found out about this betting pool that involved untold relics, thrones, recruitment rights of this planet, actual recruits, battle barges, and enough genseed to start a chapter
>Figured out the reason for such high stakes was due to this one Primaris Marine who is unable to take a hint to the point everybody is betting the Sister will be the one to pounce him first
>Decide fuck it and have myself put into the betting pool, didn't really matter since my chapter is dead and I was painted as a blackshield
>Got to say, watching the marine not getting hints that are as shuttle as a drunk space wolf on a Ultramarine recruitment world was fucking hilarious for everybody watching.
>That was until the Sargent's Captain spilled the beans on what the Sister means and he is now actively looking for her
>I realize that I actually have a chance of rebuilding my chapter with all the shit that is being bet on
>Current problem is though that the fucking Bishop is dragging the Thiccc sister gf around this shithole of a city
>Decide fuck it and charge my way to "assist" the Sister so that she can get to her destination with this dense chadmarine, I will only win the bet if the chadmarine tells her that he wants some
>There is also the fact that the other marines will soon catch on and do anything within their power to stop me
>Operation Chapter rebirth is a go
>Be Shas'vre
>This earth caste female has landed and speaking in broken sentences
>she doesn't make much sense initially
>she calls her self Mal'Caor
>she explains that she would defect to our cause
>I'm not going to complain because it means more in open arms against the sept worlders
>I ask her what the Ethereal has been doing and what she means by off the deep end?
>she starts giggiling
>and then crying
>get out of my suit
>awkwardly try to console her
>looking back at my suit it seems to be making a noise like it's screaming
>only faintly though
>Be Fessus
>Be Pinned down, underground, with our backs against the wall fighting a foe with superior numbers and technology
>Well this is another Fine mess we’ve gotten ourselves into
>Static didnt have our finely honed Guardsmen reflexes, and got hit by a good bit of the first volley
>fortunately, he was wearing armor and cogboys are made of a bit sterner stuff so he was able to get cover before the second volley hit
>This was a trap all along, these
fucking tau-ticals were waiting for us
>The Informant must have set us up
>Well at least we still have the Skill advantage
>Although not by much,
>Unlike Your typical Gangers, these guys actually know how to aim, as we’ve learned first hand
>Well we’re not licked yet
>And they’re not the only ones with Nightvision goggles
>Two try to rush us with Pulse Blasters, thinking we were blind as bats and easy targets
>They did not live to regret that mistake
>Their friends learn from their example, and stick to firing at us from Cover
>They obvously dont have a lot of information on us
>Otherwise they would have realised just how far Lloyd can throw things
>After a few of Lloyd’s special fastball Grenades blast some of them out of cover, they pull back out fo Lloyds effective grenade range”
>Good that puts some distance between us
>but they’ve got a sniper in the back trying to pick us off when ever we try poke our heads out.
>he hasn't gotten any major hits on us, but it’s only a matter of time.
>Damn we could really use an ace right now
*Excited machine noises*
>Static seems to be gesturing at something on the foor ahead of me
>It’s his controller doohickey
>I think he’s trying to say that he needs it.
>Have Decarus provide covering fire, and Lloyd pop a flash bang to blind them while I Daringly run ahead and retrieve the remote
>Still get hit a couple times
>Pulse shots Really fucking smart
>Slide the remote over to Static who immediately starts messing with it
>I hope it’s worth it
>Be Carlian Spiceweenius
>Wez just got in da cite
>gots stronger than then
>it starts raining
>im covered in green paint
>im not an ork
>im Surrounded
>hear bolter fire
>its a space marine
>i take this opportunity to bail while the orks are distracted i slip into allway and blow open a doorlock with my lasrifle.
>as i scoure the place i see some mutilated corpses, the smell is unbareable.
>but i need clothes and take what i can.
>i get a shirt, a bright orange overcoat and some purple pant.
>make my way to the roof and take aim
>I see nashy nasha charging this lone space marine.
>i fire
>i blow his head wide open.
>Be Colonel
>so the Magos is willing to give me what I want if I.....
>defend the Necron ruins?
>well I'll have to see what the Commissar says
>so I ask the Magos if he can give me a bit to decide and "talk to my troops"
>give my self an excuse to ask for the Commissar(s)' help
>cause he/they'll know what to do
>mainly I just want to make sure Commissar crazy is kept away from the important things
>like all the shit we'll get
>thank the Magos for the meeting and tell him I'll give him my decision soonish
>thank the emperor I got out of there
>they really fucking creep me out
>especially lard lad there
>fuck damn he a fat one
>anyway time to see if I can find the Commissar(s) and see what he/they say
>call up the Taurox and go to his last known position
>I need more shit than just this one Taurox
>Be me, Archon Dathram
>be singin in the rain
>booze rain spesifically
>Slaaneshi booze rain
>and honestly? It's not that bad
>and by "singing in the rain" I mean I'm cutting a bloody swathe through some ork/Chaos tau/mon'keigh battle
>I'm so glad I kept the hellglave off that asshole hellion
>spear slices one of each fighter in half at once
>blast pistol hollows out a ork "vehicle"
>phantasm grenade makes a group of guardsmen shit themselves
>Kent is enjoying himself with his three in one super fun gun
>the twin splinter cannons mulch a charging Nob
>dark lance punches a hole through the one behind it
>do a sick twirl and bifurcate a mon'keigh commander
>Sslyth bodyguard seems to be enjoying himself
>now that I think about it I don't know his name
>I've asked but he just stares
>but I need to call him something
>the mon'keigh turns to me
"The Sslyth needs a name. Suggestions?"
>he stares at me confused
"The snake man you idiot."
"Oh! Uh... mah da use to 'av a pet snake. He called 'im Waffle."
>well, as good as any I guess
>turn to the newly dubbed Waffle
"What say you, Waffle?"
>like usual, nothing
>I assume he is alright with it
>that solves that issue
>back to the battle at hand
>Be Original Commissar
>As expected of this campaign things can only get worse even if things start looking up
>Today started off all right with some of the Stormtrooper boys find a few sets of power armor and presented it as a gift
>A few paint jobs later and some attachments for the helm to keep the commissar hat on (kinda looks retarded but no commissar would be caught dead without their hat) me and future me were ready to continue campaigning against the Tau
>Then the news came of the space marine starting to go spastic in the city over some bet
>Everybody looks concerned since the marines were probably the only "reasonable" people on this shithole but just play it off as usual shenanigans
>Then we encountered a vast horde of these fucking chaos Tau
>They actually brought their armor with them and have fully mutated with their bodies fusing with their corrupted armor and weapons which just makes them look like bimbofied robots that glow purple
>Might have laughed it wasn't for the fact that due to warp fuckery their weapons cause the minds of lesser men to be racked with pain if it makes contact with skin
>AKA the new guard fags
>Had to keep them inside the Chimeras and various other transports while the stormtroopers stay outside to provide supporting fire for just about everything else we have
>After that, the entire place just turned into an Emperor damned meat grinder with any option other then slowly advance out of the picture due to the entire area being fucking flat for untold miles
>Entire time it was filled with uncountable abominations against the Emperor screaming in their degenerate screams of ecstasy, their kroot flailing around with their weird tendril claws taking out storm troopers protecting the vehicles flanks before being gunned down
>Got to say was kinda furious over them dying undignified deaths to such degenerates, many of those stormtroopers were part of the original Guard regiment I was with when this planet starting going to hell
>Be Lloyd
>Be running forward to a new position while the others lay down covering fire and hoping to the Emperor one of them doesnt get a lucky shot
>At first we were fine just trading fire with them and whittling them away
>but then they started pulling out the Gundrones and getting reinforcements
>And we started running out of ammo
>So since a war of Attrition was no longer on the table, and retreat was already out of the question we had to go with our next best option, which was the only one left available
>This wasn't uour average “Charge and Die for the Emperor” advance though,
>This was a “tactical” advance
>Which basically means that we have a chance of surviving if we do it
>We still get shot a lot though
>WeMre all pretty wounded, and our armors are shot to shit.
>We had to start using these punk’s pulse riflea, as our hotshots and Marcus’s plasma gun ran out a bit ago
>And Static’s still just sittin there, fiddlin with his little controller
>if we weren’t all in a firefight right now id go over there and kick his ass right now
>”Hey Bolts for brains, would toy mind getting off your ass and doin something usefull?!”
>Suddenly a fucking van comes in from the ramp, and just bowls through those tau cosplayin hitmen
>Hey wait a second
>That’s our van
*Smug Beeping noises*
>”Static ol’ pal i’ll never doubt you again, now let’s get the fuck outta here”
>We all Pile into the Van and drive up outta the storage area
>Why does the armor look damaged though
>See why when we get up
>There’s a whole small army’s worth of those goons here
>All this for six Guys
>This is freakin insanity!
>We prepare for a death in a firey explosion that never comes as Static start’s driving through everything, including walls, to get out
>”Woo Yeah! We’re Home free baby! WOOOHOOO!”
>”Wait why are we slowing down”
>check the Driver’s seat
>Static’s passed out
>the gangers are still chasing us
Only comfort some of the Newfag guardsmen had was the fact that the Tau weaponry was less effective against our vehicles due to not really feeling much pay beyond that weird machine spirit thing they have
>If anything it just probably pissed off the machine spirits and made them work harder
>Though those fucking mechs were still a problem, especially the ones that were clearly infected by daemons
>Then to make things into even more of a cluster fuck, the Necrons decide to pop up and join the battle
>Then a down pour of that fucking heretical booze came with them confirming my belief everything is supposed to make this battle miserable
>Could barely see anything beyond the blue of our visors and lasgun fire with the occasional purple and green of the Chaos Tau and Necrons
>At least by sunrise the Tau have fucked off and the Necrons only wanted a few things for their "collection" and then fucked off to where ever they hang out
>Due to everybody getting hit at least once by something and having some sort of injury, decided fuck it and had the place purified with holy fire then set up encampment on site
>Worst part about all this is that the supplies I sent to the Colonel didn't reach him
>Just tell him to head to the tomb and his supplies will be there, might even get the Necrons off my back and make fighting the Tau easier
>It only gets worse from here
>Be Sister Sarah
>Killin' Eldar
>I'm quite good at it
>I was the top of my class
>No, seriously, I was top in the Schola in several fields
>I should be a fucking palatine!
>Or a canoness!
>I don't even have an official role!
>My sheet just says "Sister Sarah"
>Eh, fuck it.
>Hey, is that the "Super Genestealer"?
>It's... ripping apart some xenos that were terrorizing some civilians?
>Then it... politely bows and leaps away.
>What the fuck?
>I run up to the civilians and point my blotgun at them
>"What was that genestealer!"
"We-hee don't know! It just jumper down and killed those xenos!"
>They don't LOOK like genestealer cultists
>Too many eldar around to deal with them if they are
>But strange... a genestealer is helping humans, and NOT infecting him?
>This is a mystery.
>Detective Sarah on the case!
>Maybe this will be interesting enough to finally get somebody notice men.
>Be Colonel
>arriving at what looks like a massive shitshow where the future? Commissar is
>I walk up to him and give a half heated salute
>tell him of my meeting with the Magos and ask what the fuck do I do
>tells me that he sent my stuff to the necron tombs
>oh emperor
>so what do I do about the Magos I wonder
>does that mean I should accept his offer?
>i hope the Commissar can help me
>Be me, Jiro
>Flying high through apocalypse skies
>Local forecast is calling for cloudy skies and a chance of Imperial Retribution
>Showers will end, and sun will shine
>Zero Flight is doing the best it can, yet we are but five in a warzone
>However, start noticing a push of allied forces coming into the area
>Those must be the sisters and imperial guardsmen that I was briefed about
>Should probably make contact, try to connect our efforts
>Toggle small option on my HUD
>Connect to one of the sisters below
>Speak to her over the vox
"Greetings sister, I am one of the astartes in the skies."
"I need to utilize your vox in order to get a proper link to your superiors, do you mind giving me a signal boost?"
>Just need her local vox network connection in order to talk with someone of rank
>Figure we can co-ordinate a proper purging with that
>Be future Commissar
>To tired after that quagmire to give a detail explanation to the Colonel
>Just tell him to Guard the sight for the Cogboys just to get the Necrons off our back and then inform them that the IG on this planet will remain neutral between them and the Bishop
>Rest of the day was helping other me search for any signs of corruption, getting the regiments to clean there armor (heretical booze falling from the sky does not count as washing your armor jimmy) followed by reporting to other notable leaders on the planet about progress against the Tau
>Pray for the love of the Emperor that things don't devolve further as they usually do at Angles Landing
>Be Sister Sarah
>Somebody noticed me.
>And they literally only want to use me as a fucking relay
>"Sorry mister space marine, but all channels are currently FULL of chatter. I'll be unable to assist you in contacting my WONDERFUL superiors!"
>I hang up in him.
>That'll show him.
>Show him what though?
>Emperor Damn it all.
>Best get back on the trail of the "Super Genestealer."
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>Be me, The Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>And the Emperor has shown me the path once again. I must cleanse this world of corruption once again.
>A little surprised that he delivered his message through a fat whore though.
>Peace has made even those amongst the faithful begin to grow complacent. Minds not focused on killing for the Emperor are wide open to the influence of the Ruinous Powers.
>Call for the fresh converts to be taken out of training. All those who have joined my crusade after the founding of this city must be reborn in the fires of battle.
>Leave the vets I transferred to the PDF to their duties, have my other veterans man our Exorcists and Immolators.
>But every one of the fresh recruits will march by the thousands armed to the teeth, just as in our first crusade.
>My wife tries to dissuade me.
>She is such a romantic. A soul as pure as hers doesn't even perceive the corruption that could spread from this.
>Explain that what we did was different because the Emperor willed it.
>Plus Sisters can't get married. Totally different than Bishops.
>And my speeches about pre-marital sex and it's evils will be undermined by these two getting together, now that everyone is watching.
>The Canoness must be outraged!
>I'm sorry but the Emperor needs me to kill for him again. He's shown me the path.
>And he also definitely wants me to keep these two apart.
>He probably hates Olga too.
>Once my troops are assembled we march. I've got three stops in mind.
>First, we hit the small rokk full of Orks.
>Then I'm going to kill my first Eldar
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>be me, Julius, the fleshfather
>coaching the other psykers is going well
>one of them grew this big, sparkly pair of flat wings
>kind of surprised that the boltor bitches or the bishop havent come down on us yet, considering how widespread we are
>guess it's mostly down to the fact that there are orks and Dark Eldar outside the city, and gangs running amok inside
>kind of lowers the priority of a bunch of friendly mutants
>that and I hear that the mechanicus guys we've been seeing around have beef with the sororitas
>probably won't last though
>need to come up with some way to make us less purgable
>well I mean they cant get rid of us if we're being helpful, right?
>but what can we do?
>oh I know!
>all the food around here sucks!
>since, y'know, wartime rations
>we can fix that
>get Walter to grab some old servitor parts
>the fleshy bits, not the metal bits
>think really hard at it about being delicious food
>it sizzles as it changes, looks good at the very least
>it's moving slightly
>like its breathing
>try it anyway
>it's delicious!
>also eating it turns my leg into a snake
>actually this is great
>not only will we be helping the city, everyone who try it will get free upgrades!
>I'm gonna make sure to think happy thoughts into every meal
>going to have my psyker produce the stuff while my followers distribute it everywhere
>make sure to prep a gift basket for the bishop for when he comes back from his crusade
>anonymously of course, I hear he's jumpy, wouldn't want to set him off before hes had a chance to try the food.
>Be Colonel
>take the Commissars advice and jump back into my Taurox
>and make my way over to the necron tomb site
>is that?
>oh my
>oh yes
>fucking tanks
>so lets take stock
> we have 2 basilisks
>3 chimeras
>2 hellhounds
>.....a leman russ
>my leman russ
>and two more Taurox
>make the call in to get those tank crews that have been doing fuck all the entire time we've been here to get over to the tomb site and man these tanks and bring the rest of the troops and fortify this position
>I have also been told that my rough rider division has been created and trained and ready to go
>fucking nice
>rough riders riding camels
>lets go boys
>comm the Magos telling him that I'll defend the tomb site but that I and the rest of the Guard on this planet will be neutral per the orders of my superiors
>but if he still wants to send me those tanks he's welcome to
>mfw I'm now a competent army with armour
>Hi! I'm me, Alex Shardone.
>Be an Eleven year old.... What did Papa and Mama call it?
>Oh right. A "fah-arm-err".
>Or... Atleast I used to be.... Before those brutish green thugs crashed into the "field" those bright metalic orange space marines showed us how to grow.
>Killed mama, papa, and my two sisters...
>I only got away, because papa took a bullet for me...
>Been wandering the area for a past three days now. Trying to avoid those space Greenies, and find help.
>Often hear loud noises in the sky.
>Mama used to say "those are the Emperor's angels of death, protecting us."
>Why didn't they protect me and my family...? Did we not pray hard enough?
>Eventually, see something in distance.
>Looks human. Maybe they'll help me?
>Run towards whoever it is, yelling for their help!
>Be Decarus
>Be trying to patch up Static after he passed out from injuries
>”Marcus I need your help with Static.”
“I’m a bit busy driving here Decarus! Handle him yourself!”
>”But I can’t”
“What do you mean you can’t?! You’re a medic for fuck’s sake, your supposed to be good at fixin people!”
>”I am but usually people arent made of Metal! I’m a Medicc Marcus not a mechanic!”
“Oh for the love of- fine come here an take the wheel, i’ll take a look at him!”
“Phil Hand me another Detpack!”
“I can’t we’re out!”
“Whaddya mean we’re out?”
“I mean we’re out!”
“Quit arguing, the enemy is over there! Dammit Decarus do something!”
>”Like what?”
“Static must’ve modded this van with something that’ll save our asses! Figure something out!”
>well now that he mentions it there are a lot of buttons
>Start pressing them at random and hope something happens
>one of them makes us start going a lot fast
“What the fuck”
“Shut the bloody doors before we fall out”
>We stsrt going fast
>I mean reallly fast
>like my face is pressed back against the seat fast
>Honestly im not quite sure how i ddint crash into anything
>after a while we slow down
>”Is Everybody still there? Did we lose them”
“Yeah Decarus, we did. Good job, now drive us to the hospital, i did what i could, but Static’s gonna need some actual medica attention”
>Be Matriarch Cecilia of the Family
>The Bishop has declared another crusade
>Well then, that's nice
>The chaos and confusion mean even more opportunity to gain control
>I write a sermon praising his crusade and holiness, sending a copy to him along with Mrs. Markham's cookies
>That egotistical man child loves being praised.
>And it seems Super Genestealer is doing well. He's managed to save over 100 people from xenos predation.
>Such a good boy
>Servants of the Four-Armed Emperor must be saved from the outsiders
>Even thought outside the Family
>Speaking of which...
>Still there lies the problems of incoming tyranid hive fleets
>I can feel them
>Crawling through space to Stercus Ludicrum
>They will eat my Family
>I will not allow them
>As such, I've dedicated the various Eldar we've welcomed to researching on how to protect the brood connection from the Tyranid Hive mind.
>We're making slow but steady progress.
>Anyways, with all the battles going on, we've been helping out with medical matters
>Like by donating blood
>Our blood drive attracted so many of those that could not fight, but still wished to contribute
>And in some of the blood bags, my own blood and the blood of other genestealers was mixed in
>Only a few blood bags, less than an eighth of them
>And the tainted one were not brought in via the church of course
>That would be silly
>They were added to the supply by various proxies
>In the next few days, the Family will welcome new brood brothers
>And none will be the wiser
>I hope
>Dear Father, I hope
>Be me, Sergeant Jaren Artorius.
>Haven't seen Olga in nearly two days.
>Guess she wants nothing to do with me anymore....
>Captain seems to take notice of my mood, and decides I need to see a little bit of action.
>Apparently, the bishop is launching a counter attack against the corrupt tau.
>Captain says that he wants me to lead the group that will be assisting with covering his right flank.
>Ask how many men I'll be leading.
>Around thirty brothers. Mostly armor and heavy plasma to deal with the battlesuits.
>Understood, Captain.jpeg
>Load up as an Exterminator Inceptor, along with a half dozen others.
>Load up on the Overlord, and watch for the moment when I'll need to descend form the skies.
>Be Sister Sarah
>Self declared ace detective
>hardboiled detective.voice
>On the case of "The Genestealer in Tights"
>noir music.mp3
>I'm a hard boiled Sister of Battle
>With a face nobody can remember
>Searching for clues through an active warzone
>When suddenly this kid runs up
>Little thing
>Innocent, pure as driven snow
>A kid like that shouldn't exist in this world of grim darkness
>Where criminals roam the street and...
>Dear Emperor, doing that gravy voice somehow hurts my throat when it's an internal fucking monologue
>I miss Brigitte, she's the only one who ever remembered me.
>"Go away kid! Go find some cathedral to hide in or something! You're adding too many layers to my detective storyline that I'm playing out in my head."
>detective voice.resume
>The kid seems confused
>I ignore them
>Unimportant to the case
>The path to being noticed lies in being a detective
>Yes, sound logic
>Be Shas'vre
>marching around finding the filth of the septs
>the earth caste girl has calmed down which is good
>gave her a gun and told her, slightly politely, to fall in with the troops
> attempting to find these cowards who thought we could be silenced
>haven't seen much but corpses mainly
>and ruined battlesuits, with what looked like flesh fused to them
>ask the earth caste girl what the fuck this is?
>the whole time we've been near these flesh infused suits, I've been hearing my suit screaming
>I don't know why
>and it's starting to freak me out
>like what the fuck
>why are you screaming at me
>the ai is useless it doesn't know what I'm talking about
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>Be me, Jiro
>I really don't get mortals sometimes
>Hi again! I'm me, Alex Shardone!
>Was a fah-arm-er boy, up until a few days ago.
>Now I'm all alone...
>Well, until I found this lady.
>She's got big, heavy armor. A bigger gun, and bright orange hair.
>She dyes it like grandma used to dye hers...
>But she doesn't look that old.
>In-fact. She's really pretty!
>But when I went to ask her for help, she yelled out something strange...
"Go away kid! Go find some cathedral to hide in or something! You're adding too many layers to my detective storyline that I'm playing out in my head."
>Nit sure what she's talking about. But I guess she likes to play pretend?
"Hahaha. You're funny, and really pretty!"
>Smooth Anakin Solo.legendsisntcanon
>Decide to follow her, since she seems about as lost as I am.
>Almost seems just as lonely....
>But how can she be lonely? She's really pretty!
>Start asking her questions, like "What's she doing?", "Can I help?" "I bet you Incan help! I know this area really well!"
>Be bloodletter
>wait I never introduced myself
>most would just know me as some evil daemon, which I am
>but my name is Ar-Pharazôn
>yes still a daemon
>and yes I have a name
>going around with these T'au has been....
>interesting to say the least
>I haven't seen much fighting and I'm getting bored
>but fuck it I'll stay
>we've stopped
>the fuck
>I've seen that sort of degen shit
>they're all purple
>with massive tits
>and other such things protruding out of the suits
>ok calm down
>I can't do anything because I have no way of getting into the material plane
>so I need to find a way to kill them
>they need to fucking die
>that whore steals Khornes axe all the time
>so it looks like we're going to find more of these things
>it's time to talk to the Tau who controls this thing and see if we can make a deal over these Slaaneshi Tau
1 of 2
>Be me, Sister Olga
>Why me?
>All I wanted was to hook up with my boyfriend. I've been fighting on the planet for longer than I can remember with only a bunch of bitches who call me fat for companionship.
>And now, I'm here, being dragged into battle by a baby faced religious fanatic.
>And for some reason he's leaving behind his best troops, the ones that have actually survived long enough that they know how to fight and instead dragging a seemingly ENDLESS horde of barely trained fanatics, some of which are clearly teenagers.
>Which would be really messed up but... Actually how old even is this little fucker? I know we all joke about it, but why is he allowed to make decisions?
>He's rushing us towards some small splinter group of orks.
>The little maniac is standing on top of an Immolator screaming the most psychotic sermons I've ever heard, which is being projected through cherub servitors flying over the troops.
>It's actually got these poor bastards excited. Excited might not even be the wrong word. It's like there is something wrong with them, like some sort of mass psychosis.
2 of 2
>As we approach the Orks he actually orders the Excorcists and Immolators to stop.
>Everyone gets quiet as he raises his Evicerator and screams for them to charge, before running directly at the Orks himself.
>And they do! They're fearless! They're actually happy!
>I can see from the Excorcist I'm standing on that they're getting ripped to shreds but still just keep running into the grinder.
>At least this madness will be over soon. This horde is more than big enough to overwhelm the Orks, but even with power armor there is no way that asshole is coming back.
>Once he's dead I can probably still catch up with Jaren and hope he isn't embarrassed about this Faithbook betting pool.
>I'll have free time then because I won't be assigned to take care of the Bish...
>I'm supposed to be his bodyguard
>He's about to die spectacularly
>That old bitch is going to have my ass for this.
>Take command of one of the Immolators. They don't want to disobey the Bishop, but I'm his bodyguard.
>And we have to save the little prick.
>Be Sister Sarah
>This kid is ruing my detective vibe
>Fuck this kid
>But not literally
>That would be heresy
>If he's just going to follow me around, he might as well be useful
>Give him a chainsword
>Hopefully he'll chop his own arm off
>Found the tracks of the genestealer
>Leads back to the nicer parts of Angels Landing
>Suspicion rises as I loose the trail
>Fucking development, turning bombed out dirt streets into paved streets
>Well fuck
>Not much else do do then, might as well find somewhere to drop the brat off at
>Heyo again! I'm me, Alex Shardone!
>Eventually the pretty lady introduces herself as "Sarah with an h".
>Apparently big sister Sarah just promoted me to "junior detective: junior fuck off".
>She also gave me her chainsword!
>Its pretty heavy sis!
>But I don't complain! I've carried bigger loads during my time in the factories and mines!
>Besides! She trusted me enough to do this! I'll make big sister Sarah proud!
>Keep following her along, until we reach the city my family used to live in, before we became fah-arm-ers.
>We walk through the streets, and I keep asking her questions. Mostly to pass the time.
>"Where did you come from, big sis Sarah?", "Have you ever been in love?", "Can I hold your hand? Its starting to get dark, and I don't want to lose you too..."
>Be me, Sergeant Jaren Artorius.
>I'm currently up inside an overlord, while the majority of the brothers under my command, assist the bishop in dealing with the Ork's armor to the best of their ability.
>Reports so far, are that the Bishop took an completely inexperienced army of fanatics out, and that they are getting slaughtered.
>Tell my brothers to hold their ground on his right flank, until the bishop asks for assistance from us.
>If the man hasn't gotten himself killed that is.
>...I'm really starting to miss Olga.... I wish she had atleast told me she was dumping me, in person...
>Feels bad...
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>Be me, Inquistorial Crusader Dietrich Wegstein
>Still haven't found the other Acolytes and the Quistor, propably going wild for all the xeno tech
>Which of course is pretty fucking heretical if you ask me
>So I continue searching them, since things are calmer now
>I come across a fair maiden of the sororitas and clinged to her a smol boy with a big chainsword
>The Bishop is also a smol guy
>For you
>Nonetheless, I cannot let such a fair maiden and precious young going without protection
>Go to them, hope my accent doesn't come of weird again
Does he know good tricks?
>Be Sister Sarah
>Former ace detective
>Not literally of course
>Emperor forbid
>In answer to his various questions:
"A backwater shithole that's warmer than this one."
"Go fuck yourself!"
"If you can't find me in the dark, I'll thank the Emperor that he didn't give humans night-vision."
>Finally reach a church. Well, a small cathedral.
>"Church of the Emperor's Alms"
>Though it looks like "Alms" used to say "Arms", but they crossed out the "r" and wrote in an "l"
>Don't care
>Kick the door open
>Maybe if I act like a badass all the time, people will notice me
>There's a few person inside, and a woman in a concealing robe speaking to them all about the values of family, of loyalty, of burning the heretics
>Pretty standard shit
>They have a big tacky statue of the Emperor. It has four arms, each holding a thing.
>Makes it look like a genestealer, but I think I just have genestealers on the brain right now.
>There's been weirder cults
>One worshiped the Emperor as a horse
>Reading about foolish people with their primitive beliefs is fun.
>"Somebody take this dumabass kid so I can go look for some gene stealers!"
>The robed woman looks at me oddly
>What, you've never seen a Sister of Battle swear before?
>Fuck you.

>Be Mal'Caor
>Okay, calmed down a bit
>That hug was probably the only physical contact I've had in months that was entirely wholesome
>Being given a gun is also helping
>Only ever got to see them when someone needed maintenance done, never allowed to use one
>Guess the caste restrictions are a bit looser in the Enclaves
>Wish they'd slow down though
>I'm a lot shorter than any of these fire caste
>Oh good, they're slowing down, the Shas'Vre's spotted somet-
>Oh my FUCK what is this thing
>It's like someone took a crisis suit and crossed it with some of that bastard Ethereal's more fucked up sex toys
>...In fact, looking inside the cockpit, that's EXACTLY what it is
>Feel like I'm going to throw up
>Shas'Vre's asking me about this technological abomination
>Turn to him and look his suit straight in the optics
>"This? THIS is what I meant by going off the FUCKING deep end."
>Be Tau Water Caste
>Savior was talking to the bishop
>All these gue'la have been giving me threatening glances
>I'm used to that though
>Spending a year with the Kroot.pleasedonteatme
>Ask my savior more about how people in the Imperium live
>How is the Imperium so shit!?
>I mean, the Ethereals are all massive dicks, and the Greater Good is just fucking propaganda, but seriously, at least things WORK in the Empire.
>The Imperium needs a serious consolidation of power if it wishes it truly do as it preaches!
>You can't have every facet of society controlled by a different group, each working towards its own ends!
>Why are almost all of the production capabilities in the hands of a religious sect that differs wildly from the mainstream?
>Why so many things!
>Hi there friend! I'm Alex Shardone!
>And I think I just made bid sister Sarah mad...
>She's really mad now...
>Why is she so mad at me?
>Did I do something wrong?
>Decide to keep quiet so she doesn't get any more mad at me.
>I'm sorry big sister Sarah... Please don't be mad at me...
>Eventually we find ourselves at some big church with a statue in the center of it, and some robed people all around.
>They all stare at us as big sister yells-
"Somebody take this dumabass kid so I can go look for some gene stealers!"
>I'm not dumb.... *Sniffle*...
>I want to cry.
>I don't know why big sister Sarah is so mean to me...
>I also don't like the way these robed people look.
"Big sister Sarah! I don't want to stay here! These people look strange, and are starring as us both with cruel looks! Let's leave now, before they hurt us!"
Just spinning the chainsword while it's on.
>Be Ar-Pharazôn
>hearing this conversation is the best time to show myself to these puny blue people
>"Ok so, hello, now that I've revealed my self my name is Ar-Pharazôn a bloodletter of Khorne and enemy of the filth you see before you. Anyway I know that you blue people abhore melee combat, so I've come to you with a deal that is a win win, what we're gonna do is teach you idiots the importance of melee, by giving everyone a melee weapon, how? I dont know we'll get some chainswords or something, anyway the deal is I help you with melee and you help me get my skull quota up. How you ask? by massacring these disgusting Slaaneshi T'au, deal?
>fucking Slaanesh
>damn whore making have to deal with mortals
>well hopefully they don't try to remove me
>I hope we can make a deal
>pls fagets
>be Palatine Sara
>spent an hour plinking Orks at extreme range
>aiming for eyes and throats to keep from wasting two custom-tooled cartridges on any one thick-headed greenskin
>racked up around thirty new notches for my rifle's stock if I were liable to deface such a noble tool in that manner
>the better Orks can fight up there with a Space Marine close up but none of them can shoot for shit
>put silver bullets through the skulls of a dozen of them before they even figured the direction they were coming from
>when they started firing back the rounds just scattered harmlessly around our general area
>just kept putting them down with the Sisters
>but Orks like big explosive shells and eventually they started to dial in too close for comfort
>ordered the Sisters to pull back to the bikes when Sister Eleanor pointed out some dust on the road
>see a bunch of Immolators in the spyglass
>not Ermine Mantle colors, local forces
>well, I'm not one to complain
>when the Emperor shows you a sign, you pay attention
>hunker back down and continue firing
>the Orks that had the cowardice or good sense to keep in cover during our earlier volleys are forced out to engage the new attackers
>they're between a rokk and a hard place now
>see a greenskin getting ready to toss a stick grenade
>my shot separates the warhead from its wooden handle before he can and he ends up throwing a harmless stick at the Imperials
>several Orks scramble to pick the explosive up off the ground before it detonates, showering them in shrapnel
>load another cartridge with a small smile
>if there's one thing I love, it's being one of the Emperor's guardian angels
>Be Leviathan Dreadnought
>Currently charging my way through some kill happy mob
>Bishop boy decided to take one of the key figures of are bet and put her in a suicidal situation
>If she dies, then all the bid rewards go to some rando on this planet
>Unsurprisingly this has caused about any space marine on this planet to make a mad dash to said Sister to prevent our sacred rewards from going to some rando peasent
>Luckily for me I can see her
>Though she is getting awfully close to some greenskin rock
>A rock that is overflowing with somE FUCKING HUGE ORKS
>By this point I am charging through swarms of these bastards just to get to her, not letting my chances of reviving the chapter die with this Sister.
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>Be Brick
>Have two lucky bricks
>Lucky bricks have helped Brick utilize compounding interest to pound the heads of our enemies with rocks
>And also bricks
>Now our stock is rising by 200 points, Dow is up, and new consultants are lining up to not be hit in the face with a brick
>Ha, shows what they know
>Brick hits them in face with TWO bricks
>Brick's investment consultants are dumb
>They not possess college degrees or skulls hard enough to withstand bricks
>Learn to head-butt walls stupid!
>This give Brick idea!
>Brick hit head with lucky bricks!
>Now Brick have even better idea!
>Brick gonna bring investment consultants back to big magic man so they can get smart!
>Buy gold! Sell severed limbs!
>Be me, The Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>And the Emperor is with me again!
>This is where he wants me, killing xenos in his name and leading his children to their true purpose.
>Cutting through xenos with my Evicerator is exactly what I've needed.
>No, what the planet needed.
>And what my people needed. As they kill and die for the Emperor all around me I can see it in their faces.
>See fires ahead, which would normally be good but I told my Immolators to stay back so that the faithful could be blooded.
>The Immolator is tearing through what remains of the Orks, fighting it's way towards us.
>I'm furious, until I see someone get out holding a heavy bolter and shooting down the last of the Orks.
>Even Olga couldn't resist the urge to join in my holy crusade. I understand that, so I'm not even mad she cut the battle short.
>Besides, we have so much more to do.
>Congratulate my troops with a sermon through my cherubs.
>Notify the armor that we're moving on the armor, send up notice that air support should take the lead.
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>Be me, Sister Olga
>And I have to rescue this moron.
>The Orks are having so much fun fighting the Bishop and his fanatics hand to hand that they don't even notice me flanking them.
>I have to be too late. That maniac led the charge into a horde of orks.
>At least I'll be able to say I did everything I could. If I get Konstanzia some of that wine she likes I might not even end up dead.
>And, of course, there he fucking is, though I can barely tell him apart from the Orks at first.
>I don't think he realizes that he's basically got himself surrounded at this point.
>Get out of the hatch and save the dumb ass with my Bolter.
>Jump out and run over there. The closer I get the creepier the whole thing is.
>The wounded and dying have completely bought into everything he's saying. They're happy to just throw their lives away. I've seen faith before and this isn't it. There is something wrong with that look in their eyes.
>I don't know if he's drugging them or what, but I've never seen so many die so fast. And it was for nothing. We could have stopped the Orks with the armor.
>Bishop or not, I'm not going to let him keep leading people to their deaths just to stroke his own ego.
>March up to the little prick and spin him around. He's bigger in that power armor, but I'm a Sister of Battle.
>And then I see his face.
>He's got the exact same look.
>He's not using them. He's barely even leading them. He's just one of them.
>Why do we allow this man to make decisions.
>He's congratulating me or something, I'm honestly not even listening.
>He climbs on top of the Immolator, a bunch of the others start piling on to all the vehicles.
>The little maniac motions for me to climb on.
>He's preaching through his cherubs about showing your love for the Emperor by hating the xenos. Talking about Eldar.
>This is not going to end well.
>Be me, Jaren Artorius.
>Recieve word that the bishop is requesting that my men and I take the lead.
>Order the repulsor tanks to take charge and draw the enemy's fire, whilst the predators cover them with lascannon support
>Our overlord dropship will keep above and provide close range air support as need be.
>If things get to hairy, the rest of us will drop in like meteors from the sky above, and crush the enemy under the weight of of our armor and plasma.
>If the pilot tries at any point to spin, I'll kill him.
>Its not a trick.
>Be Colonel
>so we've gotten ourselves dug in here at this tomb
>not much has happened since
>I've heard a lot of screaming though
>people screaming for the emperor
>random stuff
>glad I'm here not there
>just kind of hope that they don't call me and my men to go fight in this fools crusade
>don't get me wrong fighting and dying for the emperor is great and all
>gives me a chance to one up those damn mordians
>so fucking smug about their firing lines and unbreakable troops
>well sir my men are just as good
>fucking discipline out the arse
>miss parade by a few minutes
>eat too much
>no rations for three days
>it's hard shit here in the Praetorian guard
>we don't take shit
>but I'm just lazy
>good thing Commissar crazy was taken from our regiment into the Commissariat
>she knows how we work
>so she disciplines the new bloods
>anyway enough ranting about how hardcore we are
>not much going down here
>ok boys three lines as always
"first rank, fire"
"second rank, fire"
"third rank, fire"
>all the while my basilisks are laying into them
>and this leman is pretty nice
>standing on top of it is fun
>I see why Commissar crazy loves this so much
>but no melee from on top of it
>thats suicide
>anyway they teleported away now and we'll keep sitting here
>Be me, Jaren Artorius.
>With the Orks pushed back, I've ordered my men to move ahead, and lay a devastating blow to the Eldar field operations.
>Eldar witches didn't even see it coming.
>More specifically, they didn't see our missiles coming.
>A full dozen hover tanks, and atleast two platoons of Eldar, are nothing more than melted slag, and cooked meat, as we fly over their shitty little positions.
>Another two dozen more, fall to heavy bolter fire pouring down on their asses.
>Down below, dozens of lascannon rounds, begin melting their shitty little buildings, and tanks.
>Gonna allow them to have their fun, before giving the bishop the chance to plow right through them, and give the people a proper, morale boosting victory.
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>be Solitaire of the Misted Path Troupe
>it's raining narcotics
>She Who Thirsts pissing from orbit
>normie ranger trash are freaking out
>fucking why, sluts should be the best prepared for She Who Thirsts
>remember that even if normies get laid all the time, they don't know wraithchan
>pure handolding vanilla is probably enough to make their eyes roll up and tongues stick out
>like "aaaaa, i'm cumming, my brain is melting"
>fucking hot sluts, shit
>i'm probably the only one prepared for shitting dick crystals
>m-maybe I should call the troupe
>probably should call the troupe
>don't call the troupe, too nervous
>do I even have their number?
>slutty redheaded seer reports that the Tau are dropping their wraithlord knockoff suits near population zones now
>they're all wearing strapons
>fucking She Who Thirsts
>Tau are the only race more normie than mon'keigh
>how did she get them to cover their shitty battlesuits in pink dicks?
>i bet they're fucking each other's forehead vaginas
>i'll search for pics later
>quietly make myself scarce while normies are arguing
>it's too loud out here
at least some of the Tau seem to be vanilla enough to fight back against Slut Who Thirsts' blueberries
>if I can make it back into the main body of the city I can just quietly leave through the Webway portal we used to get here
>yeah that sounds good
>suddenly, ambushed by loud mon'keigh and his beasts of burden
>is he hitting on me?
>i don't know how to respond to this
>look away while he screams himself out
>all the noise alerts the fucking normies
>haha shit how do i explain this?
>i wasn't running away... i was just... just...
>point in random direction
>yeah, that
>why are they gasping
>what's with these looks of admiration?
>it's creepy, stop
>look at where i'm pointing
>a battalion of those huge chicken-leg Tau battlesuits are landing, D-cannon sized strap-ons whirring malevolently
>i'm retarded
>i'm fucking retarded
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>Be Sister Maria.
>Taking a breather after sending those wayward greenskins into the void's cold embrace.
>We're cruising gently back in Nyx's hearse to resupply, along with a full compliment of Repentia and the Palatine.
>We still haven't been able to get a replacement for her personal hearse the orks stole, sadly.
>Although I'm pretty sure I saw a smile on her face when she hacked the big one's head off.
>Revenge by proxy isn't quite the same thing, but perhaps it'll suffice for now.
>In any case, we're listening in to bishop's post battle sermon.
>Ranting about the corrupting influence of peacetime, and premarital sex?
>It sounds like he's got a real bee in his bonnet over the latter.
>Can't help but wonder a little about why he's so adamant.
>Far be it from me to criticise our fair hostess the governess, but, well.
>I've heard a few things about her.
>And those things make me doubt that he practiced what he's preaching right now.
>There's a brief silence as the rant ends.
>Then the Palatine speaks up;
>"I think it'd be best that no-one ever explain to him what we mean when we refer to 'La Petite Mort'."
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>>i bet they're fucking each other's forehead vaginas
>>i'll search for pics later
>Be Captain Thorn
>So the whole bet idea started to collapse in on itself when the Captain told that Chadmarine his Sister gf wants him to fuck into the warp
>Was kinda bumbed about it but I only gave up one geneseed for this bet so not to much of a loss
>But that Leviathan Dreadnought did earn the whole stash for being that daring to bet for the guy who know has a chance
>Well I was thinking that when my company was getting ready to assault this one area of the city crawling with mutants when our fucking Chapter Master Calls
"To all Imperial Fist forces on that shithole, you are to find the individual known as Olga and make sure that her significant other is unable to tell her about his sexual interests."
>WTF, how did the Chapter Master find out about this bet, more importantly why is he ordering us to intervene, the Fist didn't put much into the pool
>"My lord why have you given this sudden order and how did you find out about the bet"
>What followed was silence until we heard the Chapter Master started murmuring something
>"Can you speak up my lord"
"I heard it through vox communication with the commander, and for why I need you to make sure the bet ends in our favor, lets just say if the Dreadnought get the prize, we will have to find a new place to train recruits"
>At first I was confused what he meant, then I remember we trained recruits on the Phalanx
>The horror dawned on all of us that our Chapter Master made a bet with our most sacred relic from our Gene father
>Something that can be obtained by a Dreadnought who is near one of his targets
>Be Shas'vre
>our march has been highly lacklustre
>not much gone on just marching and waiting for things to happen
>this Ar-Paharzon or whatever has been trying to get us to do melee
>good idea in theory
>so I found some chainswords from some dead guardsmen
>gave them to the pathfinders
>>Oi blue boy
>>you need a sword
>I have a sword
>>not your pansy arse personal sword
>>one for your suit
>so you can run in the suit and slash people
>and where will I find one of those?
>>don't worry I can get you one from Khornes realm if you want
>no chaos shit here
>just find me something and I'll use it like farsight does
>>fine I'll have a nosey through the warp
>in the distance I see the sept Tau
>or as the daemon calls them Slaanesh Tau
>anyway cause they're here it gives me a chance to fight them
>get my troops in firing formations
>apply marker lights
>activate drones
>get the pathfinders to charge onto their infantry using their guns until in close range
>make sure they have their shield drones on
>start firing my cannons
>I see they have one of those Eldar in funny clothes surrounded
>I don't much like the Eldar but I like these sept shits even less
>so I'll help the knife eared shit
>>mmmm your boys are doing well
>>but your fire warriors or what they are need to go in too
>>or get some of those kroot things
>I'm not using kroot
>I don't need them
>> come on they're so good in melee
>>you'll get better in glorious melee soon
>>mark my words
>anyway these "chaos Tau" have routed and ran and we've saved the knife eared one
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>Be "Slutty Readheaded Seer" as the Solitarie thinks of me
>I can read your mind you absolute cretin
>Be Kaviala Kade, Farseer
>Absolute coward of a solitaire thinks I'm a regular seer.
>I think at this point the only reason the Laughing God took him into his service was to laugh at his foolish antics
>And now he has led us into what is either a trap or just a clusterfuck as wine tainted by She Who Thirsts falls down from the sky
>And to top it all off, the tainted rain is blocking my ability to see the future
>And the humans are about to attack us
>And the corrupted Tau are about to attack us
>And the cowardly harlequin is about to run away
>I catch him by his sleeve
"You know Solitarie, if you die, Ceogorach will be unable to save your soul, and if you die a coward, you will be the butt of many jokes. Now, you are no longer leading us, because you are a Fuck-Up."
>I turn to my fellow, standing as inspiringly as I can
"My friends, we are surrounded on all sides by enemies, and they also control the air, this of course, leaves on direction in which to retreat."
>The idiots scratch their heads
>This is going to be fucking hilarious
>Maybe if I kill the harlequin I can take his job.ideas
>I blow the ground beneath us up, sending us falling into the city's vast network of underground tunnels
>Suck it mon'keigh!
>Oh shit, I hope our camels survive the fall.
>Be me, Jaren Artorius.
>Getting the odd feeling, that people have been continuously talking about me behind my back, for the last few days since I last saw Olga.
>Its getting to the point, where I feel as if people are ready to shoot me, on a constant basis.
>And, despite kicking the Eldar asses back to their shitty webway. I've been getting the feeling that a whole lot more rest on me, than the lives of a few thousand fanatics.... Like entire chapters are crying out for my death.
>Just shake it away, and hope for the best, I suppose.
>Be me, Jaren Artorius.
>And wtf just happened?
>No. Seriously. Wtf just happened?
>The ground beneath the Eldar just collapsed in on itself.
>Have pilot make a sensorariium sweep of the area.
>Turns out, there are alot of dead camels down there, along with a boatload of Eldar.
>But he can't be sure all those knife earred fucks went down with the ship.
>The hole has to be fucking massive! Atleast 1500 feet wide!
>I steel my brow, as I call up the bishop.
>He's not going to like the news....
>Be me, The Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>My sermon is interrupted by vox communication from one of the Primaris Marines
>Can see the problem up ahead as we get closer
>The cowardly xenos have fled into the underground.
>And apparently the hole is too deep for us to simply follow.
>Not letting the enemy withdraw, the Emperor wants blood and my people need this battle.
>Open the vox to the various commanders, sisters, and Marines.
"Can you see the path the xenos took? How do we get to them? Does anyone have experience with the underhive lay out? Need the fastest route from here to there."
>Be Original Commissar
>Finally after untold weeks of campaigning, having to deal with every single fetish in the warp and real space, along with various bullshit we finally spot the Chaos Tau base
>By the Emperor its even worse then we thought it would be, and thats saying something
>I see some weird tentacle vaginas that sprouted out the chains that turned into tadpoles that regurgitated more bimbo warp robots, and that was the most normal thing
>Decided that trying to breach the area is not an option due to high likelihood of every orifice along with our souls being raped into oblivion and instructed everybody to dig in and get the artillery ready
>Make it clear that everything we have is to be used and to keep an eye out for Bishop boys party of fanatics in case he decides Greenskins are no longer fun for ramming his hordes into
>Still get a sense that some sort of bullshit is about to happen
>Be me, Jiro
>Hear communications over the vox
>Open up channel
"We have eyes in the sky, uploading a path leading down into the tunnel network. Will provide updating intel to guide you into the depths."
>Atleast we have something else to do now
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>Be me, Drathor
>Be trying to sleep
>Alarms start going off
>Good thing too
>I almost got a good nap in
>Can hear the screaming of Bishop's sermon's over the city vox
>That means he's out there....
>In the fight....
>Away from his fortified position
>Scoop up my axe from bed
>Snuggles and Huggles later
>Start putting on armour
>Strapping in pistol to my hip, grenades in pouches, knives in sheaths
>Then look outside
>Pic related
>Back in bed within minutes
>Be me, Sergeant Jaren Artorius.
>He really wants to go after them?
>Send the man a face cam with a helmetless me, via a comm terminal inside the overlord.
"the Eldar collapsed the ground directly underneath themselves. from what we can see, it's a harsh fall down, with no way to get up or down, short of air transport. Short of attempting to tract them down, via what's left of the city's waterworks, there's no way you're going to get your men down. And the most I can do, is transport about one hundred of your men at a time."
>The look on the Bishop's face is more than enough to tell me, that this is unacceptable for him.
>Be Xerxes, Sorcerer of the Thousand Sons
>I've got this sweet ass crystal ball now
>It allows me to see the future!
>And also to watch Netflix
>It's mostly been used for the latter
>It's also been used to spy on people
>Like that fat sister of battle with the hots for that space marine
>soap opera level.drama
>Or that former Sister of Battle running a genestealer cult in plain sight
>Very interesting. Also, apparently, part of the plan.
>Some Eldar just fell into a hole
>Always hilarious
>I think that harlequin with them was the one to kick me out of the fake black library
>Well joke's on you, I managed to steal books from it!
>A LOT of it is crap, but some of this Dan Abnett stuff is good
>Bird head prefers the crap though
>His favorite Star Trek series is Voyager, so
>Ya know
>Fuck him
>Then suddenly the east wall collapses.
>A bunch of street toughs wearing shady suits had been slamming their heads against it until it broke
>A tzaangor walks over their bleeding skulls
>Oh shit, it's the one with a brick
>Wondered where the fuck he got off to
>Apparently he's been giving street toughs suits and making them slam their heads into walls
>Apparently he wants me to make the various street toughs smarter and stronger
>I look over the detritus of humanity
>Yeah, no. These guys can't handle anything like that
>No, he says, smarter and stronger like HIM
>Does he want me to make them into tzaangors?
"Crawk! We can do that!"
>And then bird face waves my hands for me and casts a spell I have never seen.
>The street toughs twists and writhe, their skin turning blue, horns sprouting from their heads, beaks forming.
>Soon where there were once human street toughs, there are now tzaangor investment consultants
>Screaming like idiots and smashing rocks into eachother's idiot faces
"I call it the Rubric of Brick."
>Fuck my immortal life
>Be Shas'vre
"and Ar-Pharazon
>and him too
>so now that we've dealt with these filth it's time to find where they're holed up
"not hard, follow the semen
>shut up
>anyway, remember we hacked into the imperial comm systems
>time to let ourselves be known
"this is a bad idea
>shut up I thought you'd be the one telling me to do this
"I would but it's too easy, they'd overwhelm us and there'd be no fun
>I'm doing it anyway
"ok then"
>anyway time to talk
"contacting any gue'la in the area, I have not come to fight you, I am here to hunt down the sept world forces that have been found on this planet. I would like to be told where they're base camp is so we may take care of it and then storm the flagship
>hopefully one of them wants help
"or they'll just attack us
>if so we'll fight them
"I like that idea, blood for the blood god my dude
>shut up
>time to wait for a reply
>be the sensational Sister Karmistha
>heading to the hospital to speak with our potential Guardsmen friends
>not in one of those crass Immolators, a much more stately and elegant staff car
>it's raining some sort of liquor, how utterly marvelous
>made sure to look near enough my best, and that's no small thing to say
>I find that the smile of a pretty woman goes a long way towards swaying the opinion of a man of the Guard, so my own should work miracles
>and should that fail, I did bring along an actual Saint to work my miracles for me
>though given the trouble she had fitting her wings in the car, she's not quite as graceful as one might presume
>but I'd only planned to bring her for the clout of an appeal from such an exalted religious figure
>imagine my delight in learning she already knew one of them personally
>refused the Sisters' insistence on providing me with bodyguards
>too much 'muscle' sends quite the wrong message
>and honestly, though I'm not much of a fighter myself, what threat to my person would require more protection than a Saint of the Emperor?
>certainly not one that a couple Sisters Militant would make a difference to
>Hospitaler Tamsin points us in the direction of our unscheduled conference
>Brigitte stops to bless every patient along the way with sanctified words
>ever the sweet girl
>dial up my strut ever so slightly
>a little extra sway to the hips never hurt a lady in getting what she wanted
>the Guardsmen are waiting outside a surgery chamber
>the Hospitalers tell me their companion, some sort of techpriest, is in critical condition
>their Mechanicus handler, conveniently indisposed
>the Emperor does provide for his servants
>and my, what a rabble they are for what are supposed to be elite stormtroopers
>they seem confused when I address them
>and even more surprised to see the Saint Brigitte
>I ask if they wouldn't mind having a conversation somewhere more private
>Be Kaviala Kade, Farseer
>That hole was a LITTLE too big and deep.
>We've overshot the sewers and buried roads and went straight into tunnels dug by trygons and such
>I can FEEL the solitaire chuckling about it
"How does one become a harlequin anyways? Do you need to kill one and take its place? Because if that was the case, I would gladly join the Laughing God's troupe right now."
>That ought to wipe the grin off of his masked face
>Now then, a quick prayer over the fallen camels as we harvest their soul stones
>The madman whole sold us these beasts told us that they did in fact require them to be returned eventually, and I am nothing if I am not honorable
>Now then... what is in this direction?
>Be me, The Best Seneschal in The Ecclesiarchy
>This Tau is starting to show some signs of intelligence.
>Which, of course, is very bad news for him.
>Talk about how The Bishop is working to unify this world under a singular vision in service to the God Emperor blah blah blah.
>Actually I hope none of these zealot assholes are paying attention. I'd rather that idea not end up in the Bishop's ear. I wouldn't want to to inflict that little dipshit on another world.
>I'll need somewhere to run to when this whole thing goes tits up.
>Start asking the the little fella what he can tell me about the Tau on this planet and the man he was working for directly
>But this is probably a bust, so I check my Faithbook.
>Looks like there is some huge betting pool going on.
>And a crusade...
>Maybe I can still earn some points if I can get some information on the local Tau to pass up The Bishop.
>In the mean time, place a bet on the couple getting together.
>What can I say, I'm a romantic.
>Plus, fat chicks are usually easy.
>Be Tau Water Caste
>Savior apparently wants to know about the local Tau efforts
>I tell him that they are lead by a truly lecherous ethereal named Aun'Dik
>Tell him the rough estimation of his forces
>Also comment that the Bishop's efforts to centralize power seem admirable, but he should do better
>The planet's political systems are grindingly slow and disunited.
>Why does the beloved Bishop and his Governess wife not have full and complete command of all Imperial military on the planet?
>Sure, they allow follow him for now, but for the space marines that's more of a nicety
>They could turn on us at any point!
>And the Adeptus Mechanicus!
>Dear Emperor, the Bishop needs to do something about them
>They are extorting the planet and withholding valuable assets from the Bishop!
>The Bishop needs to knock those mechanicus folks down a peg, seize the means of production!
>He cannot be a truly great leader unless all follow his commands implicitly!
Be me, The Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>Thank the Astartes for the information.
>Politely ask air support to bomb the hole.
>Six Eldar aren't worth delaying a holy crusade, and these fresh recruits aren't suited to dealing with Eldar in this environment.
>Send Jiro's routes to the Sisters of The Golden Chalice and send 20 flamer troops to join them.
>But, that's fine. I've heard about something far worse.
>Dispatch the information concerning our next stop to the various troops.
>Something called Tau have invaded in large numbers, apparently some of them have even fallen to Chaos.
>The rest of this was just a prelude. Chaos is the thing that's been corrupting this planet.
>The subtle influence of Slaanesh is the only possible reason that a Sister of Battle and some Space Marine could possibly be thinking about sex instead of cleansing the xenos.
>Contact the Seneschal, he had some sort of Tau convert. Request any information he can gather should be passed on to all of our forces.
>Begin another sermon about the cowardice of the xenos and how they flee before the Emperor's might.
>Explain that we are about to go into battle against mankind's greatest enemy.
>The Ruinous Powers
>Explain that it is their influence that causes the behavior I've been preaching against' and the corruption that inspired this crusade.
>When we cleanse the heretics from our planet, we will also cleanse the heretical influence it has on our planet's people.
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>be Solitaire of the Misted Path Troupe
>preparing to give some battlesuit-sized wangers the snip
>vanilla Tau start opening fire on them
>they probably want to be friends
>we're probably the first things they've seen with vaginas in the right places
>yeah, they're definitely being lead around by the greater good of their dicks
>i bet they're stroking their long, hard pulse rifles to the thought of my diamond-checkered legs
>do Tau forehead manginas get wet when they're rubbing their pulse carbines?
>they probably do
>well, their white wraithknighting is giving us a reprieve
>that means i can get out of here
>slut seer grabs by sleeve and says some shit about Cegorach
>can she read my mind?
>what kind of seer can read a blank's mind?
>fuck you, that's not fair, you slut
>glad i'm wearing my Thirsty Bitch Mask, cheeks are burning
>fucking firepube slut
>does she think she's hot shit just because she's a little hot?
>look at her, holding her ghosthelm in one hand, letting all that erotic red hair flow freely
>show some modesty you slut
>she probably gets off it
>i bet she slicks to everyone's lustful thoughts
>probably uses her foresight to pinpoint the future with the most cocks in her face
>thus is the power of normies
>she's saying some other shit now
>wasn't listening, too busy thinking about all the dicks she must suck
>the ground fucking explodes and i'm falling
>crazy slut what are you doing
>fuck fuck fuck
>wait actually, I'm a Solitaire and have a flip-belt
>this is fine
>land deep beneath the shitty mon'keigh city, nasty ass sewershit everywhere
>better than outside though
>slutseer must have divined that there'd be more genestealer cocks down here
>makes sense, they're probably bigger and spinier than normal dicks
>sluts eventually need more than a normal man can offer
>it's a terrible existence
>at least the mon'keigh and the Tau should start fighting up above now, so we can just slip away
>Be Future Commissar
>I guess we are at the stage where everything is going tits up again, in the IGs case literally
>Mostly due to who ever runs this sick group of degenerates being into nipple guns, probably the more tame thing I have seen after going on this campaign
>Now the Tau are summoning actual daemons to try and nid rush us though due to their low physic presence they aren't getting much
>sure a regular ass daemon is pretty bad but at least its not some daemon prince or one of those Daemonette things that people keep obsessing over
>Seriously why the fuck are people into those things, they aren't some sort of sexy waifu, they are fucking pink drag queen crabs
>Though the Tau summoning daemons isn't the weird part
>The weird part came when some rando Tau warrior who "apparently escape corruption hacked into our vox system and started stating that he will help anybody currently assaulting the degenerates
>This seems way to convenient to be without any strings attached but at the same time bombarding this place with artillery and completely destroying them through attrition tactics will take days considering the size of these Chaos Tau
>Plus it could be plausible a few escaped the corrupting influence
>Decision was made when one of the Captains suggest placing a beacon a 100 meters to our south, placing a radio in front of it with a clear signing saying to use it, and judging from a distance if they are free from corruption
>These Guardsmen grow up so fast
>Anyway after everything was set up we sent a signal to this Tau rando
>Made sure to aim the guns of the baneblade at that spot just in case its some sort of bullshit plan
>be me, Archon Dathram
>overhear some farseer and co got cornered
>decide to investigate with Kent and Waffle
>the two idiots don't seem to mind the detour
>encounter a blockade of guardsmen all staring down into a pit
>well, that's where they seem to be
>I can almost taste the superiority complex in the air
>makes sense for the seer to be a coward and run from the primitives though
>sigh and motion for the two to follow
>cut through the Mon'keigh guarding the pit like a hot knife through a slave
>several just run after seeing my glorious visage
>Kent has some fun chopping one in half
>waffle eats one whole like a hard core bastard
>too bad we can't stay
>order Kent and Waffle to jump
>follow the stench of arrogance into the pit
>Waffle the Sslyth and I land gracefully
>Kent less so
>he lands...
>right on top of a solitaire
>try my damnest to hold back the laughter
>fail almost immediately
>Kent staggers away and to my side
"What an introduction eh?"
>continue laughing like the clown god
>life is great
>I'm glad I came to this world
>Be me, Jiro
>Get the clearance to drop down some heavy ordnance into the massive hole
"With pleasure, Jijigkhen ni."
>Give the order to Zero Flight
>Soaring down into the hole, probably something most pilots wouldn't enjoy
>They aren't Solar Hawks
>Open up my bay doors
>Within is my little friend
>Big ol'bomb, ready to drop on some xenos
>Be Kaviala Kade
>A big fuck-off mon'keigh just landed on the solitaire.
>Praise the Laughing God.laugh
>Fuck, if I survive this shithole of a planet I will legitimately consider becoming a harlequin
>Oh, Isha's tits
>A Commorite and one of his serpentine bodyguards just landed as well.
"Stay back you fiend! My mission does not concern you and there are plenty mon'keigh for you to torment above. However, you may have the solitaire, as he is a fuckup and I hate him more than Khaine hates everything."
>Seriously, fuck our dark kin
>All our gods fucking die because all the sex and drugs, and do you know what they do?
>More sex and drugs.disgustingexcess
>What the fuck is that?
"I'm sorry we don't have time to chat archon, keep the solitaire, really. We must go!"
>Sprint the hell out of there along with my other kin, hopefully leaving behind the solitaire and commorites to die.
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> be me, Tyxok of Maynarkh.

>Apparently There are at least eight different factions fighting over this random planet.


>Order Crypteks to activate Null field matrix.

>In the meantime send Deathmarks to "kill anyone important looking".

>Apparently something fucked up and they were told to "kill anyone impotent looking".

>So now my highly valuable and incredibly deadly assassins are killing everyone with Erectile Dysfunction.

>What did I do to deserve this.

>Was it the genocide...It was probably the genocide.
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>be me, trouser snake
>be suddenly existing
>be attached at hip to father
>father is very important person
>I think
>realize I dont have much perspective
>wonder at the purpose of my existence
>realize I'm really good at this whole thinking thing
>I mean
>I think so
>I just started
>and theres not much else to do
>besides support father's weight
>continue thinking
>mostly about what it means to
>be me, trouser snake
>"Kill anyone impotent looking"
Necron autocorrect at it's finest
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>be Palatine Sara
>could've just got back on our bikes and left the Bishop's army behind
>but when the Emperor sets a path in front of you, you gotta follow it
>rode back with his forces
>that holy lunatic orders us to root out the Eldar holing up under the city
>he can't even remember the name of our Order
>well, alright
>pretty used to being in those tunnels
>got nothing against the Eldar personally, seem like decent enough folks apart from the "xenos" business
>their hair is nice
>but the Emperor's justice isn't particular
>the Xiphon jet blows us a clear path and I drop in with the seven Sisters of the Golden Light
>one of the Eldar pokes out to shoot one of those fancy bladed disc rifles in our direction
>I put a silver bullet through the eye of her helmet
>Be Shas'vre
"I'm still here too"
>do you have to do that all the time?
"yes cause you don't introduce me"
>anyway I got a message back and beacon co ordinates
"we should go fuck them up"
>they gave us this information so I will be honorable and not attack them unless they attack us
>we still need to get you a blade, maybe we can see if that necron tomb has any big ones"
>later we're busy
>anyway I move my troops to the beacon and see some gue'la
>one has a nice hat
>he seems like eh's in charge
>ahead of them is the sept worlder base camp
"so whats the plan?"
>we aka you and I will jump in and start shooting
>and the fire warriors will begin firing on the enemy
>pathfinders will replicate what we did last time
"shoot and then swing?"
"nice, your learning I'm so proud"
>shut it
>and my stealth suits will convene with the gue'la and explain to them our situation
>comm this plan to the troo-
"you should get your stealth dudes to steal that guys hat"
anyway tell the men to get into position
"what about the skinny midget, who I assume you have the hots for?"
>again shut up
"you do don't you? thats cute"
>shut up I'm busy
>make sure she's well away so she doesn't get in the way
>but if she wants to be useful, try and get something running
>or see if she can find a suit that isn't infected
"interesting plan"
>I know I cam up with it
"when we're done we'll need to stack these skulls into a pyramid for Khorne"
>no thats chaos shit and then the gue'la will attack us
"your no fun"
>I'm not trying to be
>enact the plan comrades
>for the enclaves brothers and sisters
>Be purestrain genestealer
>Mommy has us stalking the tunnels nowadays, keeping low, looking for easy prey
>And what do we have here?
>It's the One that Got Away!
>Palatine Sara!
>Daddy had infected her, but she managed to slip out of his grasp
>Mommy would be so proud if I infected her!
>Doing this for you mom.makingyouproud
>I lunge towards the Sisters of Battle
>They will know that nobody escapes the Family!
>Be Fessus
>Well that was a complete and utter crapchute
>It was such an obvious trap, and we fell for it hook line and sinker
>We only managed to get out and survive because we were lucky
>And because of Static’s modifications
>Poor bastard, that first volley of Pulse shots he took must’ve done more than we thought, and the injuries he suffered driving us out of there probably didnt help
>Marcus Managed to get him stabilized but we still took him to the Hospital anyways, to get looked at by someone actually qualified for it
>That and we could all use some fixing up ourselves.
>The Docs managed to patch us up, but as soon as they got a look at Static they freaked out
>As far as they could tell he ought to be a dead man by now
>Yet, there he was, still breathing, albeit barely, and held together with duct tape
>They put him in the emergency room as soon as they could and tried to get their finest Cogboy surgeons over as fast as possible.
>Which left us standing outside The operating room as he awaited surgery.
>Sure we didnt have to stay there, but we felt we owed it to the guy who saved our lives
>That, and none of us wanted to go back to Cosanostra and tell him that our raid was a setup and that his enforcer is in the Hospital in critical condition
>At least not yet
>Sure we were going to have to eventually, but we were all too tired to risk death right now.
>see this woman talking to one of the Hospitaliers
>She’s Probably some wealthy blue blood visiting an injured friend
>no matter how rich, we all bleed the same
>Although With the way she was dressed you would think she was going for a fancy dress party instead
>And what’s with the way she’s shaking her Hips when she walks, who’s she trying to impress
>I’m not complaing about the free show though
>She’s...walking over towards us
>Perhaps she’s lost
>Wait is that the living saint with her?
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>be Solitaire of the Misted Path Troupe
>i'm at the bottom of a hole and there's a mon'keigh on top of me
>is this sexual harassment
>am i about to lose my purity?
>did slutseer bring us to a mon'keigh dick party
>nope but she did bring a bunch of Commorrites to us
>typical, Commorrites are a slut's truest form
>the point where you become so normie you stop being normie and burst out into hyber cockmongler level
>she's probably been planning this for years
>she'll be all "no, don't ravish me, don't whip my ass and pull my dirty red hair!"
>hah, yeah
>getting kinda turned on
>wait why's she leaving
>wait, does she think i'm a guy
>fucking you
>you slut slopcunt bitch
>just because you have fat useless udders, you think you can call those of us with traditional petite forms guys?
>tits aren't important
>eldar are supposed to be slender
>slut normies wouldn't understand
>does this jacket make me look like a guy?
>this feels like shit
>just wanna go home and slap my cunt to videos of Maugan-Ra
>slice up everything
>slice up tyranids
>slice up mon'keigh
>slice up fucking bomb
>normies can't slice shit up like this
>fat slut tits can't cut the detonator out of bombs like this

>i'm never getting laid
>be Palatine Sara
>trying to move in on the xenos
>Sister Eleanor is pinning the Eldar further down the tunnel with her heavy stubber
>Sister Lucy fires explosives around the bend with a grenade launcher
>can't really tell if they've moved off
>not wise to rush these things in confined spaces
>saw one of those Sslyth with them, those are nasty bastards and I wouldn't want to run into it in close quarters
>one of the Sisters calls out to me and I hear something off to my right
>see something big rushing me from my peripheral vision
>four arms, damn, the snake got the drop on us
>wheel around
>find a Genestealer instead
>and it's fast as all hell
>have time to fire a shot from my coachgun that catches it in the flank but it keeps coming
>pins me to the wall and raises a clawed hand
>and then stops
>it recoils away from me, making a sound between a reptilian hiss and a yelping puppy
>just like in the tunnels before, after I took the Tears of the Emperor
>they can't seem to stand being near me
>give the thing a hard glare and take a step towards it
>it lurches forward like it wants to lunge for me and then scurries back further
>don't have time to experiment further before Sister Jude hoses it down with her autogun
>but that certainly is interesting
>Be Future Commissar
>Waiting for this Tau guys to show up when I hear something walking toward me and troops around the beacon
>Suddenly some actual normal Tau shimmer into existense
>Guess this is their envoy or something
>Anyway the xenos explain that their leader is planning on charging head first into the compound and explaining their situation
>Turns out these guys are part of some fringe faction within their species due to some weird political backstabbing
>Though that is not the important part since I have to explain to these xenos that they will have to wait for the artillery barrage to end
>Also make sure to explain that due to the nature of the area, they will have to move fast unless they want to become the screaming horrors that await them at the compound
>Also tell them to set up a temporary channel with us to coordinate artillery strikes if they need any along with stressing to them that once they reach the main enemy ship through the base we will take care of the rest
>Pray to the Emperor this whole shit is done before Bishop boy gets here, I doubt he will hold back the whole burn the xenos moment even if teaming up with them would be a more practical solution at the moment
1 of 2
>Be me, Sister Olga
>And I have hope.
>Hear the voice that makes all this worthwhile on the little maniac's vox.
>If Jaren is here, things can't get too bad.
>Bishop is actually communicating with rational space marines now.
>How does his wife even deal with him? Aside from having a really slutty vibe that he seems completely oblivious too, she seems so normal and confident.
>But, then he's always way more subdued when she's around.
>But didn't she go with him on his first "Crusade"? Think I heard her talk about the time he lost his arm when I was on her honor guard before the wedding.
>Maybe that's how I can get to him.
>I'm not into that gameplaying double-talking shit Sister Karmistha, so I'll just be direct.
2 of 2
>Ask him about his wife and his first crusade.
>Ask him if he worried about her during the whole thing.
>He doesn't need much prodding. I'm betting that talking about her is one of his favorite things after fire.
>That's... Kind of sweet in the creepiest way possible.
>He goes into a lot of specific details and tangents, but ultimately says that he did worry even though he knew The Emperor would protect her.
>Tell him it must have also helped just hearing the voice of someone he loved.
>He agrees and goes off on a long speech about how she kept him going when he had doubts or got scared.
>Tell him I just felt the same way.
>Tell him that Space Marine who is talking to him makes me feel the same way.
>Tell him that I've seen a lot of battles and maybe he's right about peace or chaos making the planet corrupt.
>Tell him that for right now though, it'd really help me if I could talk to the man I care about before fighting off chaos xenos.
>He stares at me for awhile in silence.
>He hands me the vox and send me away so he can go back to preaching.
>Set the vox to connect me with Jaren.
"hey, uh, it's Olga. Sorry I missed our date. I got assigned to this Crusade,"
>Be Captain Thorn
>By this point I am part of some massive wave of marines from Emperor knows how many chapters looking for this damn Dreadnought along with the two love birds
>As if the situation for us couldn't get any worse, the crusade Bishop boy started to stir the rabble into a frenzy
>I like the boy but by the Emperor he does not know how to properly control himself, should probably kidnap him and turn him into a son of Dorn to steer him on a better path
>Though that take a back seat when one of those Purple Star Marines finally spots the Dreadnought, who is heading straight TO THE FUCKING CHAD MARINE
>Alright new plan, just have every marine attempt to dogpile on the dreadnought before he reaches the marine and delivers the likely location of his sister gf since killing him is way out of the option
>Go to say, never have I seen so many space marines from different chapters charge at a single target, we were like a rainbow of carnage
>To bad the Dreadnought is closing in
>I will not be remembered as the Captain who lost the Fists more valuable asset because we couldn't stop a dreadnought
>Be me, Primaris Sergeant, Jaren Artorius.
>And the craziest thing just happened during my talk with the bishop.
>About half way through the discussion, the bishop looks say and begins talking with someone out of earshot.
>Fucking vox won't let me hear who it is.
>After several moments of talking, the bishop seems to stop, turns to look back at me, and then moves out of the way.
>No way!
>No way that's her!
>A moment after he leaves, my Darling Olga appears upon the screen. Her eyes filled with what appears to be joy.
>Did she just come to gloat?
>No... That can't be it. She's better than that.
"hey, uh, it's Olga. Sorry I missed our date. I got assigned to this Crusade,"
>Crusade? So that's what happened... She wasn't angry at me at all...
>She was ordered to come here without any day in the matter, what so ever.
>How could I have been so stupid! How could I have thought she would willingly leave me like that.
>A plan comes to mind.
>I quickly cut the link, without saying a word.
>Sorry Olga, but this is a suprise.
>I turn to my men, and tell them that I'll meet them back at the landing zone.
>I quickly hit the button to lower the main ramp, and walk towards it.
>I take a deep breath, as my brothers wish me goodluck.
>And then I jump....
>be me, Archon Dathram
>well this is a fine clusterfuck
>the solitaire goes nuts and slices up the fucking bomb midair
>the farseer and others run away like cowards
>an some mon'keigh show up and start bullying Waffle
>watch one of them open fire with a primitive auto gun
>sigh and use shadowfield generator to cloak us both
>yank Waffle out of the way in time to save his snek ass
>they'd all be dead if it weren't for me
>I am a proud father of two idiot ayy lmaos
>order the two to leg it into cover and away from the mess
>time to get personal
>but first, the show
>use the hellglaive to vault into the air
>land on top of one of the mon'keigh
"Are you savages ready for Archon Dathrams aerial show!? Too bad!"
>jump off the bike and start my attempt at beating my total time airborne
>jump from one bike to the next slashing away with the hellglaive
>from the faces of some they can barely keep track let alone defend themselves
>activate the shdowfield generator again
>now I'm a big blob of darkness
>but most importantly
>laugh like a harlequin as I fuck with them
>be Shas'vre and the daemon is here too
"nice you remembered me this time"
>yea cause you'd bitch if I didn't
"you know me so well"
>shut it
"oh you know how I was talking about a melee weapon?"
>what about it?
"Initiate warp fuckery"
>wait what are you doing?
>just next to me this little portal come out of nowhere and this cool sword comes out
"I stole this from somewhere in the galaxy"
>fancy, wait what are all the runes on it?
"oh it's a grey knight sword, I think for their dreadknight things"
"nice weapon I think"
>so you stole a blade from imperials who specialize in killing Daemons?
"yea hurt my head a bit, but fuck it why not, now we can really RIP AND TEAR"
>ok then
>pick up the blade
>very fancy weapon with a blue blade, very nice
>connect my comms to the guard leader in the hat
"steal the hat"
"gut him for the hat"
"fuck you"
>anyway, send the man in the hat a message
>tell him we're in position and ready to start the assualt
"are you sure?"
"sooooo, how many we gonna murder brutally?"
>I don't know
>shit you got killy all of a sudden
"the fights starting it makes very killy"
>anyway tell him we're ready and wait for the artillery to stop
>be Canoness
>sitting on my Matrimonial Cathedral balcony with an umbrella to keep out the rain
>try a glass of this "potent potable" that's falling from the sky
>not especially impressed
>toss the cup over the railing and pour another one from my own stock
>at least I can pride myself in the fact that I've pulled this awful place together enough for it to survive without my direct involvement in every tiny catastrophe
>some of us have actual fucking work to be doing instead of hunting Orks out in the wasteland or chasing Eldar through the undercity
>watch a Barracuda fighter painted in what I can only assume are the Tau equivalent of obscene symbols in purple paint fly straight into tracers from the defense guns
>it skips and tumbles over the top of a nearby housing structure before smashing itself against the sturdy Cathedral walls
>let out the sigh I've been holding in
>fill the glass to the brim
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>Randle Cuthbert, Taxi Driver, at your Service
>don't mind no war
>currently croozin the ash wastes, windscreen wipers beating in rhythem to hyms on the vox
>not too much conflict in this sector
>a few passengers, some bespiked xeno
>some kid with funky wings
>whys the lad even need a ride?
>Bum some voxnet data from hovering drop ship
>blessed astartes don't even put a password
>truely my shield
>from boredom
>check faithbook for my ongoing bets
>as fine a gambler as a driver
>bet that this wedding will be worse than the last
>somehow stand to win the purple stars gene watsit stores
>wish it was just regular old thrones
>I know its poor to wish ill on others, but I've been driving these alleys long enough to know how these things go
>turn up the golden light vox hyms as I trundle across the muddy plains
>Ignore this post.
stop a dreadnought
03/23/18(Fri)23:59:51 No.58697724
>>58697556 #
>Be me, Primaris Sergeant, Jaren Artorius.
>And the craziest thing just happened during my talk with the bishop.
>About half way through the discussion, the bishop looks say and begins talking with someone out of earshot.
>Fucking vox won't let me hear who it is.
>After several moments of talking, the bishop seems to stop, turns to look back at me, and then moves out of the way.
>No way!
>No way that's her!
>A moment after he leaves, my Darling Olga appears upon the screen. Her eyes filled with what appears to be joy.
>Did she just come to gloat?
>No... That can't be it. She's better than that.
"hey, uh, it's Olga. Sorry I missed our date. I got assigned to this Crusade,"
>Crusade? So that's what happened... She wasn't angry at me at all...
>She was ordered to come here without any day in the matter, what so ever.
>How could I have been so stupid! How could I have thought she would willingly leave me like that.
>AlI flash her a loving smile, as I look into the camera.
"No. You've got nothing to apologize for, Darling.... It should be me, who apologizes to you... I'm sorry Olga... I didn't understand the signal's you were giving me, during our time together. I didn't understand your needs."
>And that's when, for the first time since we had started dating, several months earlier.
"I love you, Olga. You mean the galaxy to me. And I want this relationship to work."
>My face is going red at this point, and I damn well know it.
>I don't care. This has to be said.
"So. When this is all over... If you want to, that is... Maybe you'd like to come over to my quarters, and we can- uh.... See where things g-go?"
>This must be how school boys at, at the scholia.
>Be Original Commissar
>I am slightly worried about how aggressive for what I assume is the machines spirit is, but I just conclude that is due being from xenos
>Anyway the important part is that the Tau are ready to charge the enemy positions
>For a brief moment, everything is silent, even the muderfuck orgy in the enemy base has stopped
>Then these far sight Tau popped up above the trenches and started making a dash for the compound
>Got to say I was impressed by how well these xenos fight, the leader even had the nobility to fight in melee combat, impressive for one of his kind
>Still no substitute for the might of the Guard but luckily for them they had the privileged of our fire support
>Nothing beats watching some weird heretic xeno hybrid get blown to bits while you see temporarily allies charge past
>Soon enough the xenos actually manage to breach the main area and we can finally enact the final parts of the plan
>"Target four cylinder like objects that is creating the massive amounts of warp energy in the base, destroying those should make is safer along with granting you access to the main ship. Keep in mind artillery support is more limited until you take out those cylinders and make to stay in contact with me until you finished your objective on the ship. Good luck xenos, the Emperor protects."
>kinda hate to admit it but I have a begrudging respect for this group of Tau, maybe I can convince Bishop boy to let them go when he follows the trail of bodies the campaign left behind
>be Shas'vre and daemon duo
>the silence is deafening
>few seconds of it
>all I can here is the whisperings of repeated kill them all
"hey we totally should though"
>only the enemy
"your no fun"
>your just a murderous maniac
>anyway, soon after I call the charge
"fucking nice the best part, BRING THE BLOOD"
>call the pathfinders to begin the assault
>we charge over the imperial trench lines, crude versions of the gunline, but effective
"you mean pussy tactcis?"
>shut up
>anyway we breach the main compound with I
>yes we jumping in and slicing the hybrid suits with surprising ease
>hear something
"ooh fucking artillery, such bitches MELEE MOTHERFUCKERS"
>shut it
>anyway the bombs are coming down on something and I hear the leader in my ear
>ok take out the four cylinders
"careful, I know how much you hate corruption might want to shoot these"
>get all fire warriors to open fire
>open fire as well
>these things can take punishment, but eventually they go down
>comm him back "the cylinders are down and we'll be using they're warp pads now, good luck gue'la and thank you for the support, I hope to fight with you again soon, you have shown honour"
>again, shut it
>we've made it to our goal
>the flagship
"time to murder some whores"
>yes, whores and sept world filth"
>by farsight may we succeed
>Be Warboss 'Ead-Krumpa
>Be on humie world
>Mah trusted Manuva works
>Leftie kinda bummed, tho
>No signs of dem Ty-roo-nids
>Just a lot of blue gits and humies
>Blue gits' 'eads not krunchy 'nuff fo Leftie
>Humie 'eads kinda krunchy
"Hey boss, I heard there's some unnaground"
>Dangit Dakkafilcha, stop poppin' outta rocks an' stuff
>Stop krumpin' purpley blue gits for a bit ta think
>Ovva orks really got krumped hard by humies
>Some of me bois just goin' for da nearest foight, which is with the krumped orks
>This is why I'm warboss
>"Lissen up ya gits! we be goin' unnaground! Dat's where da REAL foit is!"
>Call up Krom, Gutpoker, an' Fiddy
>"Get yer tuffest bois an' get me unnaground, I want me some ty-roo-nids!"
>Oh and
>"Dakkafilcha, see if ya can loot some choice dakka from de humies!"
>That'll keep 'em busy for a bit
>Krom shows up wiff dis Trukk
>But it's also got dis big drilly bit up front
>'E also brought Leftie's Power Klaw extensions, noice
>Gonna hafta raise his gubbin allowance later
>DrillTrukk speeds away into da humie city
>Hits a bump and dives drill-first
>'ere we go, 'ere we go
Discussion thread: >>58698879
>Be carlius spiceweenius
>been chilling in a former apartment building for the last few days since i bailed from those orks. ive been dining on fine rations i pilfered from the corpses of the dead residents.
> much better than y homeworld's food jarvis 4 .
> Decide to venture out. ive had Enough RnR for now.
>Step outside in my orange overcoat and purple sequined pants.
>patrol down the street in the hopes of meeting up with some imperium forces to keep these xenos away
>hear loud scream
>turn around and see a brick flying towards me
> i get knocked out.

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