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/tg/ - Traditional Games

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And we're back. Now that the time travel arguing is over, here is the new green text thread. Anyone new can find the original thread here: >>58335731

Based on the strawpoll, this is the ending of the last thread:
>The Time Loop sends Stercus to the past where it sticks around until that Past Stercus Warps back, leaving future Stercus the only Stercus, and just handwaving Tzeentch’s intentions and the possible effects new future Stercus would have on past Stercus.

With that shit dealt with, we can return to green texting about this perpetual war between an unreasonable number of factions. New posters are encouraged to jump in, though you may want to glance at the original thread which is pretty funny.

Two quick rules we agreed on.
>No more time travel bullshit, ever.
>No non-canon/crossovers. Superman is not invited to this war.
>Be me, Best Seneschal in the business
>Of course, now my business is wedding planning.
>Though most of the wedding planning corps consists of people who lacked the faith to pick up a flamer and so got forced into logistics it's not that bad
>Hear some people were resentful at first, until they realized there is literally no where else on the planet safe for civilians.
>Assigned to help burn all the corpse hills the Bolter Bitches created around the holy site
>Not the worst job for a wedding planner. I sure don't want to be the one to explain to the girl who used to get bored at gangbangs that she can't wear white at her wedding.
>Suggest that it might be a better idea to sell these killbots to a Rogue Trader instead of spending hours trying to burn fucking metal "corpses"
>Almost get Flamer-whipped by one of The Emperor's Merciful Shepherds for suggesting that cleansing fire isn't the solution, but the Sacred Squirt overhears and gets interested.
>Guess he recognizes me from when I rigged up the Governor's broadcast system for his speech.
>For some reason there aren't a lot of technically capable people amongst the endless horde of bloodthirsty religious fanatics.
>Somehow, his wife-to-be doesn't seem to recognize me at all. Don't know if she's just done so much warp dust that she doesn't remember meezzvsxx, she's trying to hide her past, or I'm just unrecognizable covered in layers of blood and ash.
>I don't fight, it's just that the atmosphere is like 10% blood and ash now. The only people who ever look clean are the higher ups, who make doctors do their laundry.
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>Anyway, the twerp has me make contact with some traders. End up setting up a few great deals. The kind of shit that is litter on this hellhole of a planet is valuable as shit in the sane parts of the Galaxy.
>Consider embezzling a little because honestly, half the time the kid seems like a rube.
>Of course, the other half of the time he seems like a bloodthirsty religious fanatic. The fact that he looks like he's not old enough to drink actually just makes the fact that he's burned and butchered his way across the planet way creepier.
>Plus, I know what The Governor's Whore of a Daughter is into. He must get up to some scary shit behind closed doors.
>Literally rake in enough to buy some planets that AREN'T on fire, but for some reason we're staying here. Can't even get myself on one of the ships.
>Buys a couple new vehicles and some artillery at first. I assumed he'd spend the rest on more weapons and armor for his endless horde.
>Nope, the instructions I get are insane. It's half infrastructure planning for an entire city and half boring non-heretical party supplies
>Tfw the wedding planner thing wasn't a joke
>Tfw this little twerp is actually going to marry The Governor's Whore of a Daughter
>Tfw he's building a small city in the middle of the worst war zone in the galaxy to host his special day
>Where the fuck do I find a Rogue Trader that deals in baked goods?
>Was great inquisitor of Ordo Chronos
>Will notice the warp time-dilation problems occurred on a planet which literally has "shit" as a name
>Would have been amused
>Has had been pissed off at the same time
>I hope I would have had some time to rest
>The day after yesterday I would have had have to fix this clusterfuck
>Emperor forgave me, the space time continuum will not be the only thing fucked up
>There was enough ground to summon every branch of the Inquisition on this planet
>Mfw there would have been already some Inquisitors tangled in this mess
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Blood Ravens recap:
>We've "found" a great number of chapter relics (some bearing the heraldy of the Salamanders, Dark Angels, Grey Knights, Eldar, Adeptus Mechanicus, The Order of the Ermine Mantle, the Ultramarines, the Imperial Guard and the Inquisition, strangely enough.)
>We tried to ... appropriate the Living Saint Brigitte, but instead, accidentally bumped her head with a thunderhawk. OOPS.
>After claiming valuable relics and gifts for the Chapter, the Battle Barge Claimitus Rex has transferred all of the loot *ahem* GIFTS to the Battle Barge Metallus Bawkses, who will be warping out shortly.
>Current mission: Liberate the Imperial Temple from the heretics, mutants, traitors, and pretty much anyone that stands in our way, and take it with us.
>I am Blood Raven Sergeant Takken Hanoverfist, and I will claim it in the name of the Emperor.
>be weirdboy
>be feelin' da waagh! energy
>be needin' to let it go, boy
>be seeing some of dose big bugs and 'umies wit burnaz
>Yu's getz a squigging, you getz a squigging.
>It's a good day
>Be Stormtrooper Marcus
>just get out of meeting after being used as bait (thanks Fessus) and almost discovered by our old Commissar (thanks again Fessus)
>Apparantly it was cause of some Quistor of the Ordo Cornos or something, bugger me I dunno
>All I know is that he had a big shiny I-shaped badge and more loose screws than an Ork trak
>He’s all pissy at us about fucking up the timeline or something
>Probably has something to do with Dustbunny and his bloody bomb
>Bloody Dustbunny
>It’s all his fault
>I still say we should have killed him, but noooo, why would we listen to Marcus, he’s just a silly weird little Guardsman with a hunchback of duct tape, nah let’s just take the dangerous heretic who almost killed us all prisoner instead for no reason
>Bloody hell
>Anyways, it probably doesn’t matter if it is or isn’t his fault, because after the astropath there stopped spazzin out, he said it was all gonna be all right
>I think, I dunno it was a lot of gibberish with “quantum this” and “continuum that”
>Honestly it was really boring
>Thankfully one of the Ravens noticed how bored we were, and gave us all leave to go grocery shopping
>cept Fessus, he had to stay,
>ha sucks to be him.
>although not too much more than it sucks to be me.
>don’t get me wrong, running errands is fine
>it is what chapter serfs do after all, and it’s pretty easy
>honestly I could get half this list as “gifts”
>no, it’s baby sitting the other morons that sucks
>No Lloyd I won’t bet you twenty thrones to eat that...whatever it is, now put it down before you get yourself hospitalized again you retard.
>Oh look there’s Phil, arguing theology a street preacher, AGAIN
>An where in the Warp’s Decarus?
>Oh bloody hell did he sneak off to look for that Bolter Bitch again?
>I swear he’s a whiteshield cause he act’s like he’s bloody 15
>well, guess I gotta add Loverboy to the grocery list.
>Bloody hell, why me?
>Be Stormtrooper-Serf Decarus
>be excused from extremely confusing and warpy meeting to got obtain valuable supplies for the good of the chapter
>Basically yes, Grocery shopping,
>Not really all that excited, shopping is kinda boring
>But hey, it’s an excuse to be outside
>The Hive’s seen better days, but it’s still intact and people seem to be trying to rebuild their homes again
>and most of the Fires have been put out
>I swear you can’t really appreciate how sweet that semi filtered Hive air is until after you’ve breathed nothing but Smoke for the past few months
>Still though, the Novelty wear off.
>That and Marcus is all grouchy again
>he’s still probably still Pissy because the Donuts were all gone by the time he got back to base.
>Hope he doesn’t realize that I’m the one who stole the last one.
>I couldn’t help it, it was Batavi Creme, that stuff’s my weakness
>Anyways, trip gets a lot less fun real quick
>suddenly remember,
>that last time I saw that one Sister she was headed back to this hive
>maybe she’s still here
>I could probably go look
>It’s not like Marcus really needs me to carry it, Phil could probably carry half of it by himself
>sneak Off while Marcus is busy dealing with Phil and Lloyd.
>probably not the best idea, considering that I don’t have a map.
>Wander around aimlessly for a while
>almost get mugged even
>although, that was before the muggers noticed my Hellgun
>beginning to think this was a bad idea when suddenly
>There she is,
>The Sister from before
>Just as beautiful as ever
>And also flying with even radiant wings
>hell now she’s even more out of my league.
>Still, came this far, might as well ask her out so I can say I tried
>Wait is that a ship?
>Why are they flying so low, if they aren’t careful they’re gonna hit somethi-
>Oh Emprah!
>Oh man alive that’s gotta hurt!
>maybe I should go see if she’s alright
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>Be Greater Daemon of Slaanesh
>Pretty good time
>Enjoying self in warp
>Suddenly get pulled out of warpdust party
>She Who Thirsts is really pissy
>Okay so apparently Tzeentch BTFO our forces in some shitty place?
>Now we have to come up with something major to win back some influence
>Fuck and I'm in charge okay
>So the Corpse Worshippers are all hyped because apparently they got a Living Saint or whatever the fuck that is
>Okay, I can see how we can use this - we turn her to Chaos, Slaanesh is happy, I can go back to my warp dust parties
>Start to get my daemons together for an orgy/drug party/planning session
>Start sending messages out to the cultists
>Feeling pretty good about my plots
>Fuck if only I knew how terrible an idea this was going to be at the time.
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>Be me, Youngster Ecclesiarchy Bishop
>Even I hadn't realized exactly how massive the ranks of the faithful had grown. Even now people keep arriving at the Holy Site.
>I've officially consecrated the site and named it The Landing of the Avenging Angels of the Ermine Mantle, though I've heard people just refer to it as "Angel's Landing"
>The Sisters of Battle had already done an amazing job of protecting this holy site but now with our numbers, equipment, and my Aquila birthmark we were turning this place into something unique on this world.
>At the center of the Site, the distant din of battle was almost inaudible most of the time. It gave people a place where they could engage in things besides battle. Prayer, listening to my speeches LIVE, and occasionally base commerce.
>Those who come in person say they can FEEL the Emperor. They also get to see the holy Aquila because I've got this cool new open chest robe that shows the Emperor's mark and a hint of my battle scars.
>But, even those who cannot hear me in person now get to hear the emperors words.
>Using a combination of vox and the Governor's broadcast system, I spread the emperor's message far and wide.
>I'm hoping to convert some Mechanicus to the true faith, because I really could use more tech support.
>All of the faithful are welcome here. No Blood Ravens.
>Whether the people who come here lift a flamer for the cause or join my expanding logistics and wedding planning congregation, anyone can serve the Emperor.
>Sincerely though, no Blood Ravens. I suspect they have fallen to the ruinous powers.
>But all of this just provides the foundation I need to accomplish my next major goal.
>I've got to stabilize this place, recreate civilization, and build my cathedral
>Because I need somewhere appropriate to marry the woman I love, The Ex-Governor's Saint of a Daughter
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>be Canoness Konstanzia
>back on the Shrine World Tomis
>Home of the Purity Seal™
>got my parade
>got some new holy merit badges
>have to keep going to these fucking Inquisition hearings
>may have hypothetically destroyed a planet that's actually still around in a timeline that hasn't happened
>Ordo Chronos is still trying to iron things out
>not really my problem
>Bishop and his bride-to-be went back home to get married
>I "begged" him "not to"
>"I'm sure the starving citizens of Stercus Ludicrum can survive without your immediate guidance, Reverend. Please, wait until you are ready."
>glad he's out of my flawless fucking hair
>sent a Sisters detachment and our dumb cow of a Living Saint along with him while I deal with administrative difficulties
>"administrative difficulties" including full-body Ordo Fricarus massages
>sometimes it's good to be Canoness
>Order of the Ermine Mantle is getting all kinds of funding for our good work
>got a pretty new masterwork melta pistol
>Mechanicus nerds chastise me for calling it a "melta pistol"
>"'Inferno pistol', Canoness."
>bitch it doesn't shoot Renaissance poetry about wanting to fuck a minor, it melts people
>name it "Tifania" after my friend from Schola who got eaten by a Haruspex
>somehow this annoys them even more
>mfw enjoying my leave and preparing to bring the Emperor's fury down on whatever inevitably fucks it up
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>Be Sister Charlotte
>Be pretty fucking pleased
>Got commendation for securing this area
>Now its like, a fucking military base?
>Okay, guess we're staying on planet
>Don't give a shit, whatever, maybe more xenos can show up so I can show them my melta
>Don't know what happened to my cape though, those fucking laundry ladies probably lost it
>Oh so there is apparently a wedding? At a military base
>Oh yes I am so fucking down we have been at this way too long
>Fucking crazy eyes passed out
>Even Brigitte passed out. But thats cuz she got hit by a Thunderhawk. Pretty hilarious actually.
>Go find whatever administratum guy is in charge or organizing this wedding for these two
>Proceed to do some extensive... convincing
>Manage to get the whole Order of the Ermine Mantle to be the "honor guard" to the wedding
>Having done this before, know we basically all get to be bridesmaids
>Bridesmaids get food and drink
>Might even get some amasec
>Fuck yes.
>Be me, Ex-Governors (Ex-Whore of a Ex-Slaanesh-Cultist of a) Daughter, Youngster Bishops Wife in spe
>Considering how I nearly died as my Homeplanet became Armageddon cranked up to 7/11 things are going pretty gud for me
>Bae is super popular, he talks to the masses, is building a cathredral and stuff
>A Rogue Trader is helping with the Planning, I don't know why, but he seems familar, maybe from one of the orgy where we conjured some daemonettes to spice things up?
>I needed months to clean the warpdust out of there
>Things are getting stabler
>Things slowly stop burning
>How did we survive all that shit?
>Be Marcus
>Be whole way through Grocery list
>And way under budget too
>turns out a lot of vendors were willing to gift the chapter most of the necessary supplies
>even if they didn’t know it.
>Yeah, i’ll Say I Definetly get the easier job than Johnston.
>He and his boys had to go with Furtivus and his scout marines to investigate another batch of Cronz landing on this planet
>do not envy him
>still though, it ain’t wise to linger too long,
>Apparantly this Hive-base-Thingy has a strict “No magpies policy”
>I guess now I know why the Commander used us as bait.
>Phil didn’t get a chance to paint our armor yet, so no one knew we were with them,
>But now I Really gotta find Decarus before he get’s Himself hurt
>The Boy can’t take care of imself
>now where could he-
>hold on
>is that an honest to Emperor bar?
>oh bloody hell I haven’t had a drink in ages.
>...you know we do still have half our budget left
>we could stop in for a drink
>It wouldn’t take too long to get maybe two
>Decarus is a big boy after all, he can take care of himself
>Fessus won’t even notice if we stop in for maybe three or four drinks before getting Decarus and meeting back up.
>and I already sent Phil back with the Groceries anyways
>alright fuck it, come on Lloyd I Betcha 20 Thrones I can drink you under the table!
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>be Canoness
>apparently the High Lords are quite pleased with the Battle of Stercus Ludicrum, all things considered
>tied up Ork, Necron, Eldar, Tyranid and Chaos forces
>let them kill each other in one spot instead of threatening other systems
>minimal casualties, only in the millions
>lighting half an ice planet on fire actually has beneficial terraforming value
>Shrine World Tomis is swarming with Imperial forces
>apparently they want to turn the whole thing into a Crusade
>well fuck
>hardly 100% on that idea but I don't get a say in this kind of thing
>Navy ships still coming in
>several Imperial Guard regiments
>companies from half a dozen Astartes Chapters whose names I've never heard
>more asshole Mechanicus
>"but Canoness, you can't put quad multilasers on an Immolator"
>how about you piss off
>named Canoness Superior of local Adepta Sororitas forces
>fucking nice
>not in overall command of this disaster on wheels
>not as nice
>get some minor Order underlings
>hate dealing with other Sisters, they're all hypocritical vindictive cunts
>Palatine Sara of the Golden Light
>thinks she's such hot shit
>dresses like she's a cowboy from fucking 870.M2
>has a stupid fucking choir that follows her around whistling and playing twangy guitars and making annoying Morricone noises
>why do I not have a choir
>Palatine Barbastella of the Black Sepulchre
>bunch of goth bitches
>black armor, black robes, black hair, black makeup
>all obnoxiously pessimistic
>but God-Emperor if she isn't hot
>probably be a regular Sister Terese by now if she'd been in my Schola
>hate her fucking guts though
>praying to the Emperor that this rolling debacle doesn't immediately go to shit

>Be Ylyrya, Daemonette of Slaanesh.
>Be chilling doing warp dust
>Get word that operation Corrupt Saint is go
>And conveniently she is unconscious
>Okay, nice, time to do a little dream tempting
>Its a fucking disaster.
>This chick is the worst combination of pure and stupid
>Nothing I do works
>We are getting down to "begone foul demoness, I have no desire for poultry!" levels
>Fuck I'm gonna be in trouble if I can't work this
>However, I do get some useful info
>She really seems to love all her fellow sisters and friends, how cute
>Some research reveals they are gonna be fertile ground for tempting
>Okay, so she's a bust, but surely if her entire order goes to Chaos she'll follow due to peer pressure, or just have to kill them all and fall due to the shock
>Hahaha, I'm a genius.
>So I thought.
>Be Original Commissar
>For the first time in years I don't have to worry about a random shell falling from any location on this hell hole or some other crazy bullshit
>The worst threat we still have to deal with are those Chaos Titans and Beserkers which sounds bad to the average commander but when compared to the other shit me and my copy had to deal with its Tuesady
>Civilization even seems to be somewhat coming back with that Bishop guy making a city just to bang that (ex whore of a ) noble
>Then one day get reports of some Necron ships within the area landing troops for the sole purpose of stealing shit
>Ask why lifeless robots would need to steal artifacts that have no real importance
>I am then infromed that these Necrons apparently belong to some Taryzan the Infinite guy
>Wait, that name sounds familiar
>Ask for the status of the Blood Ravens battle barges
>Turns out a few of these Necron ships are getting a bit to close to said battle barges
>Start making calls to any Imperial forces within the area to double bolt down everything and get ready for another way of cluster fuck shit to happen
>Though all of this is secondary to the report that a few of those deserting stormtroopers that alluded me have been spotted at a fucking bar by my future self.
>Grab the nearest Baneblade and book it for the bar
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>Be Sister Lydia
>Fuck I thought we were getting off (no not like that Sister Charlotte) but now we're stuck in some sort of massive crusade
>Well better get the Repressor ready.
>Get Sister Hanna to help me put this dozer blade back on
>I'd be more mad at how lazy she is when it comes to anything that isn't shooting shit, but I'm pretty much feeling the same
>Suddenly this weird looking pink and purple lady shows up
>She has a cooler
>She is asking if she can tempt us with some drinks
>Hmm, wait... was this something we studied back in the Schola? Temptation is supposed to be bad
>Oh well, we fucking deserve it
>Invite the weirdly colored lady into the back of the repressor
>Holy shit she has a lot of booze in there
>This is like some fucking magic box of booze
>Its fucking endless
>This must be some Dark Age of Technology
>This is probably why the Dark Age of Technology Happened
>Man was not meant to have this endless a supply of alcohol
>We probably drank ourselves into near death as a species
>I start to get pretty liquored up
>Fuck this purple lady was nice
>I'm feeling kind of bad I'm mooching off her magic booze box
>Here lemme give you some of our stuff... its somewhere around here
>Yeah fuck this is the good amasec
>Give her the good amasec and she drinks it, suddenly she starts screaming and running outside the repressor
>Oh fuck is she on fire
>Did I accidentally give her some prometheum?
>Have Sister Hanna help me read this shit
>Huh, this is the Holy Water we use to bless the Bolter Rounds
>Purple Lady is rolling around outside and bursting into flames
>Hannah grabs the holy water and runs outside to dump it on her to try and put her out
>For some reason it fucking explodes her
>Okay, at least there's nothing left so we can't get into trouble.
>Swear Sister Hanna to never speak of this again, and to relocate the Repressor to the nearest actual bar.
>Cuz it looks like that magic box vanished
>Spooky shit my gal
>Be Decarus
>Just witness the worst cause of Vehicular Manslaughter outside of a war zone I have ever seen on the Sister I was just about to ask out.
>Rush over to try and apply what medics skills I have.
>First I should probably try bandaging the head so she doesn’t bleed out right?
>This is beyond my Paygrade
>Still though, I do a pretty bang up job
>She looks good as new. Although she’s still unconscious
>Although that’s probably becuase her body was magically healing itself while is was trying to fix her up
>The really Big marine over there told me living Saints are supposed to do that
>Wow I didn’t know she got promoted!
>I oughta congratulate her
>when she wakes up
>come to think of it I oughta take her to the hospital
>and wait till she wakes up, just in case
>I wonder if anywhere around her sells chocolates and flowers?

also that’s the last on I’ll be able to do till my shift ends
>be me, Skitarii alpha Zeta-47 Kaal
>Rescued by blood raven from death along with my squad
>En route to blood raven HQ
>They say they got tech so it's all good
>Time passes
>Get to BR HQ
>Squad gets shoved into barracks
>We wait for exactly 2.5 hours
>Suddenly everything tastes green
>Exit base to see a bunch of weird green pyramids
>Also this isn't the planet we were on
>Turn around
>The whole of blood raven HQ has been moved into what I assume to be another ship of alien design
>Quickly retreat into the barracks
>Some guardsmen and a few space marines look on in confusion
>I knew I should've said no to the space marine

Send help.
>be dark angel scout sergeant
>told by our company master that he needs to go to "important chapter stuff" and him and veterans leave not before telling us to "go prove ourselves or something"
>well prove ourselves we fucking will
>camouflage our base in the middle of bum fuck nowhere with some grass since we just got a vox from a commissar about the fucking magpies coming back
>we know our great ravenwing are much better than those marine version ratlings
>take all the melta bombs we can carry and a long range vox to our strike cruiser in orbit
>cue danglesguideonhowtotakedownatitan.vox
>Be necronfag
>Awoken form 10000 year long slumber just so our tomb lord can go act on his addiction of looting valuable items
>Half of these items aren't even useful to us, he just wants them just for shits and giggles
>More specifically, he tells us to steal shit from this one group of what are apparently super warriors known as the Blood Ravens
>upon arrival at the current system they are in I was for once able to feel genuine surprise at the shithole we arrived in
>For starters a planet that was supposed to be an iceball is just an endless sea of fire, dust, wreckage of Catan shards now what, and bodies everywhere
>It only get stranger when we actually start attacking the Blood Raven facilities, which are filled to the brim with just about anything you can imagine
>There was even this one tall golden person in there who is supposed to be on this shithole known as Terra
>It was then I learned that these Blood Ravens are just organic version of our Tomblord
>Our Tomb lord dragged us this shithole system just to start an official rivalry with the fleshy version of himself
>Be me, da Killa Kan
>Buncha the boyz been gettin krumped
>Lotsa boyz wanted to get in dis fight from lots of different WAAAGHS, but we wuz all split up
>Buncha the boyz died fightin da humies, Buncha da ova ones chased some Eldar some where's.
>Now that I'm not some weak Grot, I don't spend my time thinkin an scheme'n
>But I still got a cleva mind, and I see how we can start krumpin back again
>Mostly been usin Grotz for stompin now, like da rest of da boyz do, but rememba that dey'z also good for messages
>Start sendin da Grotz running in all directions. Chase some of them for awhile so they think I'm still following. Sometimes I am.
>Tell'm not ta stop til they find more Orkz
>Tell'm to let'm know
>Our boss is the strongest, our krew is da biggest, and our mekboyz are makin somethin mean.
>We're goin after da humies
>Dey'z all in one place now, just waitin ta get krumped
>I'm me, Brigitte
>er, Sister Brigitte
>er, Saint Brigitte
>I'm not awake
>I got hit pretty hard by something
>It's different than when I was dead, though
>I hope my Sisters aren't in trouble
>I'm having weird dreams
>dreams where I have lots of... sex
>with boys and ladies
>I don't actually have much experience with that though so it's kind of vague
>there's a lot of kissing
>then there's a voice that talks to me
>"You can have all of this."
>uh, that's okay
>"We can make you adored by all."
>my Sisters love me already and that's enough for me
>"We can make you powerful."
>I can fly and shoot holy lasers and that's already a little too much for me
>"We can make you perfect."
>I'm pretty sure the God-Emperor likes me just the way I am
>I wake up
>there's a Sister Hospitaler there- I know her, her name is Tamsin, she is my friend- and a Marine and a nice Chapter Serf boy
>they tell me I got hit by a Blood Ravens dropship
>I try to remember to apologize to the Blood Ravens, it's my fault, I'm still getting use to flying
>Sister Tamsin wants to keep me for observation but I feel fine
>I know the Emperor protects me
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>Be Sister Terese
>Finally getting a break
>Hear that Crazy Eyes is on her way back with extra minor Orders
>Oh well won't that be fun
>Still in hot shit due to Charlotte and the Eldar incident
>Fuck you Charlotte
>I'm glad your cape is fucking gone
>Having to bunk in a tent while they get this shit set up.
>This weird purple and pink lady comes into my tent and starts coming on to me
>Guess she's a xeno or something
>Pretty cute actually, just how I like it, I won't tell that she's around
>hear her out as I light up a lho
>She says that she has come to seduce me, and is telling me to submit to the will of something or other
>Tell her that's cute kid
>But that's not how this fucking works around here
>Sister Terese does the seducing, not the other way around
>Ten minutes later I have her bent over and begging for it
>Tell her to praise the Emperor if she wants more
>I had some weird experiences in Schola, okay? We all fucking did.
>She seems to not want to so I get convincing.
>She starts to Praise the Emperor like I tell her too
>Suddenly she mouth just starts like, shooting flames and shit
>Her heads on fire
>Realize that I must have done some serious drugs
>Its pretty cool though, whatever
>I hallucinate that she fucking just burns up into nothing while screaming "not again"
>Wake up later and she's gone.
> I'd say 4/10 pretty average.
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>Be Sister Charlotte
>Receive word that Boss Crazy Eyes is returning
>Fuck now I'll have even more planning to do after the wedding
>Looks like this wedding is gonna kick off a whole Crusade
>Sounds bitching
>Shame about having to deal with other sisters
>not looking forwards to that
>Fuck those Black Sepulchre chicks in particular
>Need to go get these lazy bitches together to help me out
>As I'm wandering around this purple and pink xeno comes up to me and starts talking about temptation and riches and shit
>I tell her if she wants to get into the temptation business, go tempt Sister Olga with donuts you dumb bitch
>She seems to be considering this
>As she's distracted I disintegrate her head with my melta
>Fucking Xenos, doesn't look like we got all of them.
>Have to go get some of the junior sisters into sweep squads to burn any xenos around here
>Or fuck anything that looks like a xeno
>I start by applying my melta liberally to whats left of this xeno, and the surrounding area
>Imagine its some Black Sepulchre cunt while I'm doing it and it makes me feel a little better.
>mfw one of the junior sisters asks if I'm okay and what I'm laughing about
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>Be me, Gutthurian Ortylux a proud Berzerker of the Sanctified
>Some of the other guys like to razz me by callin me The Gut because sometimes I like to snack on a few of the fallen after a battle so I've got a bit of a belly.
>But I don't mind, they're just Josh'n me and we're all friends.
>We've been havin' a heck of a time on this planet. There have been such an interesting and diverse collection of people and xenos here to kill.
>It can be really eye opening to engage with different types of people from different backgrounds in melee combat. When you learn about others, you also learn about yourself.
>Plus, we've made some new friends. Me and the rest of the marines each take on a couple of "littles." That's what we call the humans from the warzone who end up seeing the the light.
>We teach them the basics, let'm get their chain axes wet. And this world has been just great for that.
>But our little buddies seem ready to move on, and these little skirmishes just aren't doing it anymore.
>Apparently the bulk of the imperial forces have gathered in one place under an adorable little preacher and some Sisters of Battle. It sounds like a really fun trip for the whole warband.
>Plus, I have to admit, I'm a bit of a foodie.
>And I just have to know what Living Saint tastes like.
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>be Canoness
>traversing the Warp on the way back to that worthless hellhole of a planet
>opening stages of this inevitable clusterfuck of a Crusade are in full swing
>Imperial forces deploying into several adjacent systems
>was hoping to get another couple of weeks of peace and fucking quiet but here we are
>have the cushiest quarters aboard the grand cruiser Emperor's Bright Corona
>reclining on the comfy chaise lounge
>tactical meeting with Palatine Sara
>she has some non-Militant Sister there playing a slide guitar and fucking whistling
>we're in private you stupid tramp you don't need to keep up your "super cool gunslinger" facade
>nobody fucking cares
>say "It's comforting to know we've not left the mixing of music and war solely the domain of the Great Enemy."
>she smiles and says "I'm certain your Order would torment such powers even at their own games, Canoness."
>cunt I will fucking filet you
>bad enough that my own Order is full of whores that can hardly spell my title who think they could do better
>almost wish I and the Celestians Superior would get eaten by a Mawloc or something
>Emperor willing I could watch Sister Olga or Sister Charlotte try and run things
>not sure how either could spend twenty minutes directing a battle line without a cock or a doughnut stuffed in their mouths
>realize I'm probably going to find out when I arrive
>those useless cows better have gotten things in order
>pray to the Emperor that I missed that fucking wedding
>Be me, Sister Olga
>And everything is SO unfair!
>I was doing such a great job. I was polishing that armor so thoroughly, I got in every nook and cranny.
>And I kept all of their weapons nicely greased. Sometimes I'd be working two at a time just to keep up with demand.
>And then these jealous bitches dragged me back here.
>Now I'm stuck here, constantly surrounded by filthy maniacs instead of the big, strong, perfectly chiseled battle brothers who gave me such satisfying work.
>There isn't a weapon in this tent city of filthy hicks I'd sully my hands with.
>Hell, I bet it even takes Sister Lydia 7 drinks instead of the standard 5 before she starts slutting around in this town.
>So yeah, I've been a little depressed. Which is exactly what they want. They're trying to destroy me.
>They dragged me back here, so I've been looking for ways to fill the void.
>So then they make fun of me but I like don't even care. I'm honestly the most fit of all of them. Skinny bitches can't even handle a heavy Bolter without thoroughly bracing it.
>Brigitte is the only one that never talks shit, but I can always hear the condescension.
>"Don't say that Olga, we're all sisters and we all love each other!"
>"Would you like some of this salad Olga? It's really good, and really healthy!"
>"Oh I'm sure that you'll find a really NICE man someday sister Olga."
>Blah blah blah I'm a living Saint.
>Like, who even cares? You're not that special Brigitte.
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>be Jin Grimmer, ex-factory linesman currently a holy warrior
>seperated from his Eminence and my holy brothers..
>follow a crowd to some kind of lineup, must be a chow line
>gonna get me some vittles
>i must say this is the strangest chowline i've ever been in, and im pretty sure the guy in front of my is missing his face
>almost my turn... wait, why is this guy in front of me kneeling? nothing for it, i'll kneel too
>hmm, that is a strange looking marine, and is that somebodies skin he's wearing?
>so apparently im Cultbrother Boilrage now
>at least im eating better than i was before, got me a nice bowl of stew, rich and meaty
>if the heretics eat like this everyday i may just have to stick around
>my battlebuddy, Bloodgutter, taught me how to do the Khorne Chant, and i think the Berzerkers are warming up to us, just the other day one of them gave me some tips on how to get a good rev out of a chainsword before gutting the sacrifice.
>now we're headed off to some kind of gathering, not sure where or why, but i heard some of the marines talking about a barbecue, so im grabbing any good sized firewood i can.
>Be me, Imperial Fist Sargent Thorn
>Receive word from my Captain that my company and a few other companies are to embark to a system that from what we can gather has no real strategic value to it and fortify the shit out of it
>Initially I questioned the tactical decision of this but my Captain just responded "Trust me Brother Sargent you will see why we have to fortify it"
>Upon arrival at the system our battle barge was already taking fire from... everything
>I am not joking, any enemy of the Imperium you can imagine is at this system for some reason
>I then learn that this wasn't even the most active stage of the on going conflict in this system, in fact it used to be worse until some warp fuckery that involved a time traveling planet from an alternate dimension replaced the original one
>Thing only got worse on the ground when we realized that all necessary building materials have been either used up by some local bishop for his wedding or were stolen by the Blood Ravens
>Fucking Magpies
>With nothing else to use we resort to using the questionably high amount of bodies and wreckage for our fortification operation.
>We also notice their were signs of the entire planet being on fire though considering the Salamanders and Sisters were here that is no surprise
>All things considered, I thought that maybe this wouldn't be so bad
>I was wrong, terribly wrong
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>Be me, Drathor Artix, proud member of the Impe-I mean, Gore Hounds.
>It's been a weird day, not like "Hey you ever ACTUALLY seen a purple greenskin?" weird, but "I don't remember the forecast calling for a blood shower" weird.
>Rolled out of my bunk, alarms ringing, people screaming, get moving.
>Can't even get my boots on before we're being led to front lines.
>Stumble out into mud, manage to slam home a magazine into autogun.
>Emperor damned Astra Miliwhatevers with their fancy las weaponry.
>Hear an ungodly howl coming across horizon, lads around me bracing.
>Some officer twat talking about how we'll do families proud.
>Gets about halfway through speech, stops.
>Howls getting louder, see enemy coming.
>Hear the whistling in the air, see the shapes forming into figures.
>Thought hit me a moment before the artillery, duck down.
>Get up, see a big fether coming our way.
>Lads start shooting.
>Join the PDF they said, girls love a guy in uniform they said.
>Manage to hear an order.
>Cue murder boner.
>Bring up The Icebreaker
>Yeah, I named my knife.
>It was an heirloom, my grandfather got it during his tour of duty.
>See the lads, shooting at this big monster man.
>Feth it, better die doing something cool.
>Run at top speed.
>I can do this.
>I can take this grox brained lug.
>Slip on the blood of my comrades.
>Feel a big thunk.
>I actually stabbed him, right in the sweet spot between his big shoulder things.
>He looks at me.
>I look at him.
>"So...uh....I gue-"
>Don't even see the hit.
>Ah well, at least I scratched him
>Hear laughing, horrible, laughing.
>It's the traitor.
>He's going hysterical.
>Holds out Icebreaker.
>"Welcome aboard."
>Look around.
>The lads are dead.
>Imperials retreating.
>See one of the big red fethers actually eating the officer.
>"Good to be a part of the crew."
>Atleast officer won't be needing his boots anymore.
>Very weird day.
>Be Marcus
>Be in bar, laughin at the 20 thrones I got from Lloyd
>Shoulda known better than to take on the booze king
>Thens i’m Talkings wif this big guy ‘bout something, Is dun no it’s all blurry.
>musta pished him off cuz then he punches me fer no reason
>So me mate Lloyd jumps in, then that guy’s friends jump in, and then everyone’s fightin
>And then somebody pulled out a krak nade and that’s when we left
>didn’t see what happened after, hope it’s okay
>on the bright side, didn’t have to pay my tab,
>still payed half cuz I felt bad though
>so now we’re walkin along an singin
>actually what are we singin?
>well we’re singin it.
>hear beepin noise, must be a landmine
>realize that I’m not dead, an that the noise is comin from a box in me pocket
>oh yeah, forgot bout that
>” ‘ello?”
>oh it’s Fessus
>”Hey Sarge, we were just-“
“Save it, I know you’re both drunk, are you still at the bar and is Decarus with you?!”
>geez what’s got him his ass-
“The Commissar knows we’re here and he’s got a BANEBLADE We need to get out now! Now where’s Decarus!?”
>alright think Marcus, think.
>Dammit! This was a lot easier about 20 or somethin shots ago!
>The last time I saw Decarus was on the Holly in the bar
>he was help some poor gel who got in an accident an-
>”The Hospital!”
“Great, we’ll meet you there and pick you up! Try not to die. Fessus Out”
>Pick us up?
>In what?
>bugger it, we’ll find out when we get there!
>Here’s hoping we can still run straight.
>Be future version of Commissar
>Sitting at the far edge of the only bar left in this system reading up on reports of those weird looting Necrons when some Stormtroopers walk into the bar
>Realize after they got drunk that these are the same stormtroopers me and the original version of myself were looking for
>Was able to report this to original me while at the same time watch some of the amusing antics of these Stormtroopers and get some info on them in case they somehow escape
>At least it was amusing until the guy he was getting in a fight with pulled out a krak grenade and made the cowards leave
>Shoot the guy with the krak grenade with my laz revolver due to forcing me to shadow the stormtrooper which is difficult when your armor color scheme usually stands out when the entire planet is a ash color
>Or at least I thought until I realized they were so drunk they probably didn't even recognize who I am
>decide to follow them and instruct original version of me to where they are going
>can't wait to see their dual commissars arrive at the one place they thought they were safe at.
>Be Fessus
>And Fuck is it awful!
>Get out of long ass meeting about Time Travel bullshit hat I had to attend because I’m a Sergeant now which means I have to be in the know about things
>find out that the reason we were used as bait is because This Angel’s Lansing has a strict “No Magpies policy”
>It seems Bishop Boy and a bunch of others are still sore about the whole “losing a planet ending bomb and almost destroying time” business
>Our bosses apparently had to sneak in after us,
>No wonder they sent the stormtroopers out on a milk run
>if they had sent out a regular chapter serf, he’d have gotten torn to shreds.
>oh well, what’s done is done, not like we’ll be here too long.
>Find our Phil is the only one who came back
>Everyone else is still dickin around in the city
>but it get’s worse
>overhear Commissar talking about spotting 2 deserter stormtroopers at some bar and heading over there to execute them
>Fuck! That must be Marcus and Lloyd!
>Get word that the whole place is suddenly on high alert and looking for us after a Blood Raven ship accidentally beaned a Living Saint in the head
>How the fuck do I get my boys and get out before everyone else gets them?
>Fortunately I don’t have to answer that, as Force Commander Morgenson was nice enough To provide a Rhino and driver for the purpose of “Protecting chapter assets”
>Call up Marcus, asshole’s drunk as expected but Lloyd’s with him and they’re both still functional
>And Marcus is being less of a whiny dick than usual.
>Nice to know that all you need to do is poison his liver to get him to stop grousing
>Get directions and set up meeting point
>Assuming Marcus is right as long As Decarus hasn’t moved too far, it oughta be a simple matter of-
>Be Scout Marine Zhang
>Be pretty pissed off
>Chapter is called the Purple Stars, what a fucking stupid name
>Colors are boring tan with purple trim and that stupid Purple Star
>Was pretty hyped to be a space marine.
>Seems so long ago now
>Problem is our fucking Librarians
>Uppity motherfuckers who dress in black
>What the fuck is wrong with blue
>Also have a fetish for fucking prognostication
>Superstitious morons totally scared of Chaos
>God I bet we have traitor lineage or some shit
>Have the whole chapter fucking around on stupid missions that are apparently super important to foiling chaos just because some psychic twats got high and saw some spooky shit
>Stuck on this clusterfuck of a planet scouting out drop zones.
>Find the Crusade deployment zone its a huge cluster
>See lots of dead Xenos, don't know what the fuck chaos has got to do with this but apparently they're out here
>Or, the fuckers hallucinated it and we're wasting our time.
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>Be me, Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>Things are going pretty well, and having the Sisters of Battle around has been such an inspiration for everyone. I feel like I've really started to form a close bond with them.
>There was admittedly a little bit of awkwardness when I accidentally called Canoness Konstanzia mommy before she left, but everyone misspeaks sometimes.
>There is just something about her that seems so nurturing, but I can't quite put my hands on what it is.
>I have also really bonded with Sister Brigitte, because I understand what she's going through. Being the Emperor's chosen is a heavy burden, so we've had a lot to talk about.
>Sure there is only one person in the galaxy with the Aquila birthmark while there are other living saints so technically I'm way more special if you do the math. But still, it's similar.
>Sister Terese has been a real inspiration. Though we haven't spoken much, every time I see her she is comforting one of this war torn world's widows. Honestly, there is probably a lot I could learn from her as far as tending to the needs of the women amongst my flock.
>Sister Lydia has become something of a legend given what she did against the necrons. I suggested that it might be great if she could train some of the men and women we have driving the new vehicles.
>Unfortunately, she was unavailable. Apparently whenever she is not engaged in battle she dedicates all of her time to personal prayer and so she doesn't have time to train troops. It must be working though, she obviously has the Emperor's blessing.
>Sister Olga keeps calling me "little guy" and I don't like her very much. My betrothed says she's just angry that she's fat.
>I like Sister Charlotte best of all. Not only has she been a huge help with the wedding and hit it off with my betrothed, but her dedication to finding and exterminating heresy has given me time to deal with other issues...
Good fucking choice man! I know I gave you that pick, but i approve!
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>But I have had other... frustrations
>My betrothed had an interesting idea, suggesting that we should abstain from sharing the marital bed until after the ceremony. I told her that I believe we're already married enough in the eyes of the emperor, but she was insistent.
>Since then I've been heading out to the lines a lot. Perhaps this is also part of the Emperor's plan, reminding me of the importance of killing the enemies of the Empire.
>That must be it, because since my betrothed and I have begun abstaining, I only really feel the emperor's peace when I'm shooting things.
>Unfortunately, I'm not supposed to get close enough to the enemy to use my flamer anymore. And my betrothed won't let me use a plasma gun.
>She says she's worried that if I get any "weird gross burns" from using one, they may be too hard to differentiate by the Emperor given burns that I received.
>Instead I've been using an Mk II Cawl Pattern Stalker Bolt Rifle. It honestly would have been too big for me before, but my new arm has given me the strength to wield it.
>Obviously, this is why the emperor replaced my arm.
>I may also use my renewed strength to motivate that barely converted Seneschal to hurry up the wedding preparations. If I had known about my betrothed's "Purity Before Marriage" idea before, I might have ordered the construction of a town instead of a city.
>And I swear to the emperor if I catch him staring at my betrothed's ass again I'm going to have him castrated.
>I really really need to get... married
>Be Sargent Thorn
>Its only been a few days since we landed and yet things are already starting to get even stranger
>Just today I saw the Bishop I keep hearing about from everybody on this planet only to find out he is a fucking teen with burn marks and a fucking massive arm
>That arm would look out of place on a Terminator and much less a kid
>I swear that arm should be on one of the Primaris marines in my company, doesn't help that the kids main weapon is something only one of those fuckers can use
>From their I saw the magpies engages in some weird pissing contest with each other over who can loot the most shit from this hell hole
>One of those magpies even tried to steal our bone fort
>On the topic of bone fort
>Due to our force usage of corpses as fortifications we started attracting Chaos cults due to them thinking we were one of them
>Admittedly at first it was fun shooting down hordes of traitors, it got annoying when the daemons started mistaking us as followers of their degenerate gods
>worse offenders are the Nurgle ones who make the base somehow have a more putrid smell to it
>we can't even use fire to cleanse the place of taint anymore due to it likely setting off a chain reaction that will make the base explode
>any attempts to contact the Imperial Fists for actual building materials has gone no where since the fucking Phalanx was nearly destroyed again
>How the anything is capable of destroying that fort, especially one made with the help of our Primarch is beyond me
>Any hope I had left of this place not being some sort of cluster fuck was when I saw some Commissar riding a blaneblade to the only bar on this planet just to shoot some deserters along with picking up a future version of himself
Shit, how did I mess that up? I missed the Primaris part when I saw the description. I'll come up with something to further explain how he was using that next post and get him switched off to a Stalker Boltgun. I was just looking for something comically large and long range.
Its fine, if anything it just adds to the humor of the priest and can be used for further proof of Big E helping the Bishop
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>be Canoness
>if you can stand the curse of always being right, that is
>pop out into real space near Ludicrum
>find that a fair few of the fleet's escorts are still floating around back in the Warp
>maybe they'll turn up in a few days, or a few hundred years, or before they left, or not at all
>immediately attacked by a few wayward Tyranid craft
>are they really "craft"?
>or just very large, spacefaring Tyranids?
>ponder this over a glass or three of rosé from an observation deck as the fleet engages them
>Navy-ing is not my department
>"With enemy forces already in withdrawal, the planet will make an excellent staging ground for the opening stages of the Crusade."
>fat fucking chance
>unfortunately my concerns were downplayed in the course of strategic planning
>watch Imperial forces deploy around this stellar fiasco of a planet
>not just Guard and Space Marine transports, but terraforming project ships as well
>here to pick up the reigns on the process accidentally started by setting huge areas of tundra on fire
>admittedly the Sisters of the Ermine Mantle had a fair hand in that, to say the least
>get to my own lavishly furnished landing craft, full Celestian honor guard from the Ermine Mantle, Golden Light and Black Sepulchre in tow
>can't wait to see what's been freshly fucked up in my absence
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>Be Sister Charlotte
>Less than a day before Crazy Eyes Lands
>I have to have the wedding ready to go like, right then. I know if she has to spend any more time than she has to on it we're fucked
>Thankfully I managed to convince a nice Rogue Trader arranged to have one of those portable cathedrals dropped in here
>Can't believe how many functionaries I had to convince to get to talk to him though
>Thankfully there are just a shit ton of volunteers here - unskilled but eager
>The more technical stuff is a little more difficult though.
>I'm going to get the nice laundry ladies to help me with the wedding dress, but the problem is good catering
>And it fucking chokes me to say it, but only one person is a good enough cook to manage anything with the shitshow of supplies we have here
>My lot is suffering, but I can't piss off Crazy Eyes at this point when I'm just starting to get in her good graces
>Time to talk to that whore Terese
>Bitch is a cow, but she is a damn fine cook
>She probably learned to do it to try and lay Olga, the slut
>I bet you can lay Olga if you have a donut on a stick though
>I waste twenty minutes trading passive aggressive insults with her before finally trading her a ton of recaf to do the job. The good shit too.
>Fucking Crazy Eyes better appreciate the work I put into this
>Who am I kidding I fucking love weddings.
>Also I have a card up my sleeve to impress Crazy Eyes
>Got a bunch of these lazy fucks to do something useful and carve a statue for the square in front of the Cathedral of Konstanzia herself
>That egotistical cow will just cream herself over it
>Go with Terese to check up on how they are doing with that
>Get there
>Okay who the fuck is the sculptor
>I am so fucked
>The statue is fine
>But its fucking naked
>What sort of creative bullshit is this. Fuck artists.
>Mfw I tell Terese to get me a fuck ton of purity seals, we're gonna have to give this statue some modesty the best we can
>Thank the Emperor for purity seals.
>Be Decarus
>Be doin absolutely fan-flippin-tastic
>So get this, first off, there actually was a place that sold candies and flowers by the hospital, Imagine that!
>I was gonna bring both of them as a “get well/sorry my bosses accidentally bashed your skull in” gift, but I ran into a grumpy, slightly plump looking Sister who appropriated the candy for herself.
>I tried explaining that it was for someone in the hospital, but the way she glares at me said she probably needed it more anyways.
>Still though, I get the flowers
>Big Guy marine is also there too.
>the Sister wakes up,
>apparently her name is Brigitte
>Brigitte, that’s a nice name,
>so anyways, the Doc says that she’ll be fine, but that she shouldn’t exert herself too much just in case.
>I suggest that she should probably do something easy, like, take a walk, just to see if everything works
>O am technically a medic, so I could tag along just in case something goes wrong
>Everyone else seems to agree.
>Operation “Go on a seemingly innocuous outing that is secretly a pseudo date with your crush because you’re too much of a coward to actually ask her out” is a go!
>Spend a lot of time talking with her about nothing really,
>She’s actually a really sweet and down to terra girl
>she has sort of calming aura and manner, like you could open up to her about anything
>Honestly, I felt silly about being so nervous in the first place.
>Anyways it just so happened that the only Theater in town was a short walk away, and since I happened to have some Spare cash, i offered to treat her to one as an apology on behalf of my bosses for bashing her skull in
>They only had one Holovid currently. Don’t remember what it was called but it was awful
>still had fun the whole time cracking jokes and making fun of it though
>Have I ever mentioned how beautiful her laugh is
>Honestly, this day has been going absolutely perfectly,
>positively nothing could ruin it.
Charlotte is best girl.
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>Be me, da Killa Kan
>Da warboss has been treatin me like his pet Grot since my plan started comin tageva'
>Don't he realize I ain't a Grot no more?
>Fink about stompin 'im, swear I am, but decide not to.
>Get a brand new red paint job, and he Getz da mekboyz to weld some extra dakka armor on me, sez just a kan ain't enough to keep some squishy chatty Grot alive.
>Would give him the chop if I didn't need him ta gatha the boyz
>Has a KillaKan ever been Warboss? Maybe I'll work on dat once we kill all da humies.
>Between my cleva scheme wif da Grotz and da weird boyz, we've managed to pull all da boyz togeva almost.
>Had a Buncha da purple boyz lookin in on da humies. Dey'z sez da humies keep shootin, but most of'm are gettin ready for some sorta non-shooty party
>Stupid humies.
>Moment dat party starts, we'z gonna sweep in there and show' how ta have a good time.
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>I'm Brigitte
>I got released from the hospital but they assigned a medic to follow me around for a bit
>I told Sister Tamsin I really didn't need it, I'm fine
>I already got healed from being dead so a bonk on the head isn't that bad
>He is nice though
>We went to the theater, there was only one show but it was really good
>He seems like a fun friend
>And I like that he says my name right, he calls me Brigitte instead of "Brigitte" like some of the Sisters do
>But sometimes he looks at me the way Sister Terese does when we're in the baths on Tomis
>It reminds me of the weird dreams I had before
>Maybe he has that Florence Nightingale syndrome
>I wonder if I should introduce him to Olga
>Or maybe Charlotte, but she isn't as shy with boys
>Charlotte! I forgot all about the wedding
>Canoness Konnie comes back soon and I know she was excited for the wedding, I wanted to surprise her by having everything ready when she arrived
>I was hoping we could have her be the one to marry them
>Or have them married?
>The thing where you stand in front of them and have them say the words
>But then I got sidetracked by fighting a giant Ork robot and getting run over by a Space Marine ship and going to the theater
>I get about a block and a half running towards the cathedral before I remember that I have wings

Nah, Brigitte best girl.
>Be Blood Raven Chaplain Gordius Greedius
>In orbit above this crenelated asshole of a planet on the Battle Barge Claimitus Rex
>Offloading of our valuable chapter relics and gifts to Metallus Bawkses was successful, and Bawkses has left orbit.
>vox is sputtering about some wedding and magpies
>What the Throne is a fucking magpie?
>Most of the company has deployed to the surface to liberate the Imperial Temple.
>It shall not fall to the xenos, the heretics, or the blighted monstrosities infesting this Groxs' elbow of a planet.
>Is that another Imperial Battle Barge I spy in orbit?
>starshine on the hull, can't make out the sigil
>Servitors at the scanners say it's the Imperial Fists.
>Fucking bumblebees.
>Suddenly feel divine inspiration
>Surely it's the God-Emperor, reaching out to me.
>servitors confirm that the Fists have deployed to the surface.
>They've left the battle barge unattended.
>This is a serious dereliction of protocol.
>We'll secure their Battle Barge for them, just this once. I'm certain they'll be effulgent with their praise.
>We'll let them know it was us that secured their Battle Barge by slapping our own sigil on it.
>And piloting it out of orbit for them.
>I mean, heck, we did that with the Salamander's Battle Barge, and we haven't heard a peep of complaint from them.
>Be Commissar driving Baneblade
>Future me has enabled his tracker allowed me to pin point his location and by extension those two desserters
>Suddenly out of no where, a fucking land raider crosses my path
>Had to pull of some move that some Newguard fags keep calling drifting to avoid it
>I was about to complain when I noticed the land raider belong to the magpies
>high tail it out of there before the driver of said raider can get his fingers on me or my tank
>check status again of future me
>Realize I am only a minute away from him and by extension those two traitors
>Can actually see him on top of the hill and after a brief message he confirms the traitors are on the other side
>Have him hop on and decide to start playing this Primo Victoria song from some ancient Terra singing group known as Sabaton and go full speed on the Baneblade
>I fucking can't wait to see the look on those two cowardly faggots when they see me
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>Be me, Gutthurian "The Gut" Ortylux a proud Berzerker of the Sanctified
>I have been having a fantastic time getting to know some of our new Littles
>Cultbrother Boilrage has been cracking everybody up, the guy has a really dry sense of humor. The stuff he was saying about consuming the flesh of his former comrades in this resigned deadpan tone was a genuine laugh riot.
>This other new guy Drathor Artix managed to stab a fully armored marine with just a knife! So he's a big hit with everyone.
>He calls his knife icebreaker which we all think is pretty cool. A lot of us are naming our blades now.
>Calling my chainaxe "The Chef", because it prepares my food.
>Now we do get into a bit of hazing with the new guys, but we make sure everybody knows it's all in good fun.
>We'll pull a practical joke on a guy. Like we might give one of the smaller littles a marine sized chainaxe and have him try to use it.
>After it's over though we make sure the guy knows that we all went through a bit of hazing and it's about giving us stories to bond over. Plus then we'll give the guy a fun nickname.
>Like the little guy who had to use the big chainaxe? We all told him how crazy strong he is for his size. We call him Ork-Arms now, which he seems to like.
>Anyway, apparently the loyalists are going to have some huge wedding soon. It sounds like they're really putting a lot into it.
>The plan is to launch our attack during the ceremony. I'm really hoping I get to see this adorable little priest in his big boy formal attire before we kill everyone.
>Be Steve, a Fleshling
>Flayed ones like I used to be don't phase out with the rest of the army
>We just holovid and chill and get some new get-ups
>Pretty sweet gig
>I still have all my collection, but it's getting too much to lug around
>I mean, most Fleshlings only have one set, but I've got about 13
>Still haven't got anyone to laugh at the 'Ork' joke when I'm draped in green
>What a pain
>And there's no more Necrontyr around to even help find more Fleshlings
>I just want to kill other fleshlings
>I swear that's all they- all WE do!
>C'mon, Steve
>Oh, hey there's two of them right now
>And they look FABULOUS
>One's pruple and one's pink
>And they've got donuts
>Talking about some Algie girl or something
>I'll go introduce myself
>Oh neat! They have claws too!
>More crustacean than mine, but it's nice to find like-minded individuals

>Well, that went well
>I've got two more sets of epidermis
>And some Donuts!
>I'll see if I can find that Algow girl
>She likes Donuts, right?
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>Be Ylyrya, Daemonette of Slaanesh
>Have been banished back to the warp three times after a total of four failed attempts to seduce a Sister of the Ermine Mantle
>Clearly these are some especially cunning and devoted servants of the Corpse Emperor, they've tricked me into banishment three times
>Still, sixth time is the charm as they say in the Realm of Pleasure
>Fifth time I'm gonna go see if this Sister Olga will betray her faith for a box of magically delicious warp donuts
>In the unlikely event that this plan fails I am going to have to go for the big prize - tempting Canoness Konstanzia herself.
>Am trying to plot this out when I get word that the fucking servants of Khorne are plotting something relating to the human ceremony that is about to go on.
>Fuck shit
>I'm going to have to try and make my move there to stop them from gaining a victory. If they slaughter everyone there's going to be no one to tempt.
>Fuck everything, this job was supposed to be fun
These are fantastic but are they reversed? If I'm reading this right Steve is inadvertently saving Olga from scheme 5 mentioned in the next post.
Time moves differently in the warp, or something.
Man, I dunno. Steve is just doing Steve things.
Man these are great everyone.
Agreed, might be even better than the first thread so far.
>Be me, Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>Leading a crusade can be exhausting, so can rebuilding civilization.
>A man has to find relaxation somewhere, and if it's not with his wife-to-be than he has to find other options.
>Of course, my betrothed is the only woman for me. So instead I'm killing time before my big day by killing Tyranids and chatting with a few guardsmen and holy warriors.
>The groups seem to be getting along better as a lot of my less capable followers have shifted to logistic roles within the holy site.
>One of the guys I'm shooting with used to be some sort of adept before the crusade, and had a lot of interesting stuff to say.
>Haven't been any attacks by orks, chaos, or anything but Tyranids in awhile. The Adept explains that because of the sheer amount of bodies the war produced, we're probably going to be fighting Tyranids for a really long time.
>One of the guardsmen suggests that this whole planet, holy site included, should have just been destroyed.
>I resist the urge to set him on fire in the name of promoting fellowship amongst the troops.
>Some of the other guys are having trouble actually killing the bugs with their lasguns.
>Suggest that they should use something bigger, like me.
>Find out no one has ever seen a gun this big before.
>Suggest they join the flamer crews that are burning the Tyranids up front to prevent them from reproducing.
>Find out most guardsmen don't consider cleansing the xenos with holy fire an attractive proposition.
>Most of them refuse to touch a flamer or fight in melee.
>I see now why the emperor needed me, and this world, to craft him a new army.
>Make a mental note that all of my guards should continue coming from the Ecclesiarchy.
>Take a break from shooting to give a two hour long sermon on bravery and not wasting the life the emperor gave you by clutching to it too hard. I think the guardsmen needed to hear it.
>Be me, Ex-Governors (Whore/Cultist/Saint/Bethrothed of a) Daughter
>Helping with the Wedding as good as I can,
have not much time to play with my boy
>Besides, while he is adressing the masses I am searching trough his quarters, maybe I find a dataslate hidden under the bed or something like that, wanna know what he is into
>In unpurer times I would really enjoyed blueballing a guy for that long
>But I wanna our wedding night be something special, so I will become the best wife this galaxy has seen
>Maybe one of the Sistes can teach me cooking, will visit them
>I don't know why, but I feel some presence near them... lurking... lusting after them...
>Looking for them, only find this weird gunslinger sisters, one of their leaders will teach me cooking
>First thing she is a boy
>women of /fit/.webm
>She is pretty nice, although she has a pretty loose mouth
>All Recipes she new are Barbeque Stuff
>But Babe, did you know that there are 5 ways to make spare ribs out of this dinos some of the eldar faggots ride?
>Be Marcus
>Be running as fast as My drunk legs can carry me
>Almost run into a light pole a few times, but I’m alright
>Make it to the hospital,
>stroke of luck, Decarus is still there
>He’s just sittin on a bench with this dazed look and this dumb smile on his face
>tryin to explain to his overly sentimental ass why we need to get goin now
>hear a click behind me
>fuck it’s the Commissar
>he’s only got a bolt pistol, but Lloyd an I are too drunk to aim and Decarus still just wistfully sittin there gushing about this “sister Brigitte or whatever”
>besides fragging a commissar would probably look bad
>wasn't he supposed to have a Baneblade or somethin?
>start hearing this awful ruckus getting closer
>I think the boys call it power metal
>see this Baneblade practically fly up towards us with ANOTHER Commissar in the hatch
>Can Baneblade’s even go that fast?
>apparently so
>start prayin to the Emperor
>my prayers get answered when a landraider speeds in from the side outta nowhere in front of the Baneblade
>forces it to swerve to avoid it
>right into a nearby building
>Bloody Hell
>Almost runs over other Commissar, who has to jump outta the way, and stops in front of us
>Notice it has a Bloody Magpies symbol on it.
>The door opens up, it’s Fessus
>don’t even wait for him to open his mouth, Lloyd an I grab Loverboy and pile in.
>”Drive, Drive, Drive! Anywhere but here mate!”
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>Be me, Drathor Artix of The Gore Hounds
>Things have been getting better.
>These traitor marines aren't so bad, they just have a drive to find the worthiest of enemies to defeat.
>And then eat them.
>They have been calling us little, so one of the cult started calling them Big'Uns.
>It's caught on.
>The Big'Uns are sorting us into groups.
>Keep saying it's for a big ceremony. Couple of the Big'Uns keep quoting some pictvid that came out a few years back.
>WeddingSmashers or something, whatever.
>Each Big'Un gets a few Little around him.
>They say it's to give us some good experience.
>Get paired up with The Gut, along with a few other littles.
>Including Ork-Arms.
>He seems cool.
>Still trying to use that chain axe though.
>Keeps telling me it'll be like that show FURIOUS.
>Start loading up into transports.
>Still got Icebreaker.
>Still got Autogun.
>Guess we're going to a wedding.
>I feel severely under dressed.
>Be Landraider driver Furantus
>Currently Be in a high speed chance through Angel’s landing with a Fucking Baneblade.
>This was supposed to just be a simple Extraction
>This is ridiculous.
>I mean, okay yeah so we might have almost destroyed the planet with a cyclonic torpedo
>and we may have brained a Livving Saint in the back of the head
>But those were both accidents!
>And there was no lasting damage from either!
>Seriously a Fucking Baneblade!
>It’s a good thing this Landraider was a gift from the white scars
>decide to try and lose it through a busy looking section of town
>This turns out to be a horrible idea, as a Landraider is only marginally smaller and less clumsy than a Baneblade
>I just want to say, for the record, they while I may have caused my fair share of property damage, I did not damage the statue of the lady wearing a dress of purity seals over
>I only bumped it, it Was the Baneblade that hit it.
>Still doesn’t stop everyone else from joining the chase
>On whose side I dunno, but I don’t want to find out
>reach City gates thanks to my Chogoris drift skills
>pic related
>Then I see the 2 giant dust clouds making steady progress towards the city
>...perhaps I should use this brief period of not being chased to call Commander Morgenson for back up.
>Be Hive worker before this all started
>Be witness to the whole shitstorm
>lose everything
>See my friends and family get cut down by Xenos, Heretics and friendly fire
>watch as my home and everything I’ve ever known burned down in said fire.
>fight in the holy Bishop’s crusade
>Help build a city and establish around Angel’s Gate
>Now, Be witness to the marriage of our Holy Bishop to his betrothed
>The Emperor really does look out for those with faith
>suddenly hear crashing sound
>See a Fucking landraider and Baneblade tear through the ceremony like it’s some sort of demolition derby, destroying everything in their path.
>Happen to be standing by the statue of Lady Konstanzia when the Baneblade hits it
>Get my legs crushed by a giant stone arm.
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>be Canoness
>Sororitas honor guard filed into a too-small landing craft
>not me of course, I have my own private cabin next to the flight deck
>much too small though, and no chaise lounge
>at least brought a nice bottle of port from the stock aboard the Emperor's Bright Corona
>going to need it by the time we land
>bay is split between my own Celestian bodyguards, Palatine Sara's Golden Light folk battle choir and Palatine Barbastella's Black Sepulchre Repentias
>figure that Sister Terese will have a field day with the latter
>they dress them in black collared dresses and tall buckled boots instead of the traditional bondage nightmare chic
>bunch of goth sluts might make any woman question her preferences
>or would, if the grip of the warm, polished Catachan ebony gunstock of her master-crafted sidearm were not all the lover she needed
>figuratively speaking
>thoroughly unimpressed with the situation on the ground
>only the respective strongholds of the remaining Imperial forces and the new Matrimonial City are considered "safe zones"
>and relatively
>the rest of the planet is full of remnant Tyranids and Orks
>roving bands of homeless civilians and mass desertions from the former "holy army" are a breeding ground for heresy
>at least it's not on fire anymore
>although that might be an improvement
>see the new city on landing approach
>if I'd still been on the fence on privately doubting the Bishop's "divine provenance", employing the gaggle of careless harlots I left him as wedding planners and civil engineers wouldn't help
>think his "Aquila" birthmark looks more like a manta ray anyway
>maybe the Emperor intended him to be a fisherman
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>Be Sister Charlotte
>Be nearly about fucking dead
>Canoness is here in a matter of fucking hours. No. Less than that. And the fucking statue fell over
>Fuck, fuck, fuck this is your fault Terese
>No I don't know how shut the fuck up
>Okay whats the damage
>Okay so it broke off at the feet, that can be fixed with some mechanicus science, don't panic
>That arm and hand that were supposed to be gesturing munificently or something are in a bad way though
>A lot of the purity seals fell off, Terese stop fucking staring at Statue Konnie's giant brazen ass
>Also you fucking peasant stop bitching about your legs, this is OUR statue you are getting your blood all over
>Start threatening workers with the melta and get the statue back up
>Get as many purity seals back on to cover up the stupid nudity, though the dress is sort of shorter than I'd like, too many purity seals blew away
>Oh well, looks good from the front, if a little short in the back
>Get them to glue the arm back together
>They just finish as Konnie arrives with the honor guard
>Its just then that I notice that in putting the hand back together, they fucking messed up with the fingers
>Now this cathedral has out front a statue of the Canoness, naked but for the purity seals, giving a gigantic middle finger to the city
>Be sister Lydia
>Be way too hungover for this shit
>Sister Hanna is also way too hungover, but that bitch doesn't need to do jack shit but nap in the gunner's seat
>Fuck I have to go pick up Konnie
>Fuck that purple bitch, if i find her I'll... oh yeah, she lit on fire
>Okay I feel better I guess
>Do my best to drive the repressor hung over
>Am fucking late to pick up Connie because some fucking Tallarns or whatever at the checkpoint to the landing zone start bitching about women drivers
>I am not in the mood so I tell them Sister Hanna will shoot them
>I don't know if the threat works, but they all seem reverent of Sister Brigitte, and afraid of Konnie, so I just lean on that.
>Finally get the Canoness in the Repressor and drive her to the cathedral
>Fuck what do you even chat to a Canoness about? This chauffeur thing is a lot different than combat, when there's just a lot of screaming
>I prefer the screaming
>Hanna actually nodded off I think, lazy bitch
>"Guess there's a lot of Tyranids today, huh ma'am?"
>Shit that was a bad move. Tyranids are always a touchy subject
>I swear to god, number one method of death in this order is "Got Eaten by a Mawloc or other fucking massive buglizard thing"
>Doesn't stop us saying we all hope each other get eaten by Mawlocs
>We are a classy bunch of cunts
>But this what you get when the Schola was as fucked up for all of us, and then the old Canoness gets eaten by a Mawloc
>Not even in a combat scenario, just suddenly there was a Mawloc attack after our first deployment when we had an ad hoc graduation
>The mechanicus explained that it had something to do with the vibrations the music at the afterparty
>More like the vibrations of Olga walking around, amirite?
>Man, I really lose my train of thought easily
>Oh good we're here
>What the fuck is with that statue?
>Be Commissar riding Blaneblade
>Was just about to run over the deserters when out of fucking no where the land raider I avoided earlier pops out of no where
>It only get worse when a Guardsman opens to the door to the Landraider and the other two jump in
>Decide to say fuck it and give chase to the landraider after picking up future me and asking the damn driver why the magpies have my stormtroopers
>Of course though the pilot keeps avoiding me and I run into some statue of that crazy eyed Canoness who leads the Sisters on this planet
>I would be more concerned though the other Sisters are to busy freaking out over the statue falling over and its current lewd state to the point where its kinda amusing
>Anyway I was going to give chase again to the magpie landraider when I noticed two clouds in the distance
>Future me grabs his binoculars to see what it is and almost immediately tells me we are going to get swarmed by Orks and Beserkers
>Decide to forget about the deserters for now and contact all available Cold Shoulder Regiments to get their asses to the city and me and my future self rush around the city to find the Bishop and inform him of the battle to come
>This gets complicated as this city doesn't really accommodate for Imperial tanks
>At least they died for the Emperor
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>be me, kalabite half born
>I don't even remember were I am
>Kinda remember pilling into a venom with my squad
>Nothing after that
>Be wandering a blasted waste land
>One of thousands on this planet
>Radar says I'm still in "friendly" territory
>Hear some loud bangs in the distance
>Don't really care
>Someone seems to be putting on a laser light show
>But pointed at me
>Oh I'm being shot at
>Someone yells. Sounds female, eldar.
>Quickly dive into near by crater
>Land on something, probably a rock
>Look around the hole
>Fucking wyches
"Please don't ki-"
>Hear an explosion
>Really close
>Like really really close
>Ears ringing
>Kinda tired now
>Probably the drugs
>See the most beautiful face look at me in shock
>She says something but ears still ringing
>Fuck it I'm gonna go to sleep

Don't just bump, contribute.
>Be me, Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>Back to shooting after I finished giving a speech to the cowards of the Imperial Guard.
>Halfway through my sermon one of the guardsmen commented that he was ready to die for the emperor.
>Get a message on the vox.
>Apparently there is some land cruiser being chased around by a fucking tank through my city.
>I hate the guard.
>Told that the land raider is with the Blood Ravens
>But the tank is crewed by some commissar running around with some sort of evil warp duplicate
>Want everyone involved dead, but I can see how this will go down. Everything destroyed and the wedding ruined. How did a tank even get clearance?
>The Warp spawn is making some wild predictions. As if I'm going to listen to some daemon.
>Find out that the tank destroyed the statue of the Canoness.
>Get on the Ecclesiarchy vox channels
>Send instructions that the chaos spawn should be separated from that tank peacefully, don't want shooting by the Cathedral
>How come I don't have a statue?

Just FYI, I'm planning to have both the Killa Kan and Gut launch their attacks during the ceremony to give everyone a climax. But I thought we were done with time travel?
Trying to keep things mostly story but if somebody has a question or something feel free, especially when the thread needs a bump.

>I thought we were done with time travel
We're done doing it, but it already happened. Future Commissar is a remnant of a defunct timeline.

>Continue to be Scout Marine Zhang
>Still pissed, but things are a little better since Brother Augustan showed up with bikes
>Now we're rolling
>This chapter is still a rip off, it will take forever to make actual Space Marine
>We run extra Scout Companies just to cater to those psyker fuckers need to investigate all their fucking wet dreams or whatever
>So Augustan and I are just chilling camping out when suddenly we see some shit
>Get out the binocs Auggie
>Oh fuck that does look like Chaos
>Looks fucking Khornate
>Guess we gotta go warn the city
>If they laugh at our name they can fuck right off though.
>Be Fessus
>Narrowly survive a far too thrilling Chase through the city
>Good news, Commissar(s) gave up on chasing us
>Bad news, it’s because they were more concerned with the Giant Fuckheug armies coming towards
>Emprah-dammit I thought we were done with these ridiculous Clusterfucks
>of Course not, why would I think things would be nice for me for once.
>We’re gonna have to call the Commander for reinforcements on this one.
>I mean, we are gonna have to defend this place.
>The Magpies May like Nicking stuff, but they’re still Space marines after all
>Besides it’s not like we can just leave all these people here to die
>I mean, yeah we are technically sill deserters, but that was only because we thought everyone else was gonna die anyways.
>I just hope we have enough time for Marcus and Lloyd to sober up
>and for Decarus to stop mooning about his new Girlfriend
>No Decarus I don’t wanna know what her favorite color is, or her favorite movie, or about how worried and caring she is about her Fat Sister Olga, or what she smells like, just shut the fuck up!
>I think I preferred it when he was mopey about her.
>who would have thought Phil would be the least troublesome out of all of them?
>Be Future Commissar
>Decide I will be the one to meet the Bishop Boy to discuss our most recent tank chase and how to defend this city from the hordes coming to either burn and rape it, or just coming to loot it
>Though its a bit late for the looting part since the Blood Ravens are here
>Had to bolt down the Baneblade and leave original version of me behind just to make sure they don't try to steal it
>This is actually the first time I will actually see this bishop in person come to think of it
>Pray to the Emperor he isn't like some of those other bishops and tries to flail me alive for being part of some warp time fuckery
>Hope it goes well
>Be me, half born kalabite
>Wake up from drug nap
>Be in haemunculus den
>Tactically shit my pants
>Try and get up quietly
"Good morning friend!"
>Tactically shit my self again
>Turn around and see...
>A somewhat normal looking haemunculus
>Ask what happened and why I'm here
"You died! Fell on a grenade you did!"
>Huh. That's what I landed on
>Wait, I died?
>Ask why I got rezzed over some else
"A.... Friend called in a favor."
>He tosses me my armor and other shit I had that survived the explosion
>Doc turned around and said I should get to the hangar
>Start leaving when, but mod wat he slaps my back
"Remember, were always looking for more trueborn!"
>Fucking trueborn
>Get to hangar and ask the coordinator what happened to my squad
>They died, kinda like I expected
>Get assigned to a raider
>Identify the raider by the graffiti
>Hop in, first to arrive like usual
>Sit in the Gunner seat of the front cannon
>Think about drugging up, but decide against it
>Put on helmet so no one thinks I'm sleeping
>Take a nap
>Wake up some time later
>Don't want to turn around to see my new squad, first impressions and all that
>Try and see them via reflections off the controls
>Oh fuck it's the wyches
>The same ones from before
>They ignore me, thankfully
>But this one with a spear is just stares at me with this weird expression
>Fidget uncomfortably
>Hear were going to crash a wedding or something
>Oh, that should be a cake walk
>Maybe I won't need to see the doc again

By Vects infinite libido I was wrong.
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>be Canoness
>arrive later than scheduled because I didn't want to suffer the indignity of being forced to wait
>sure enough, my personal Repressor is just pulling up on landing
>can see the glow of minor fires several streets over
>really don't know what I was expecting
>shoot Sister Lydia "the look" as I get in with the Palatines
>she's nervous
>makes some pitiful attempts at small talk
>just glare at her until she focuses on driving
>the city looks nice, I must admit
>the cathedral would be a 2/10 on Shrine World Tomis but it's passable
>apparently Sister Charlotte had a statue of me installed in the square
>not surprised, she's been licking my boots like she mistook them for her man of the hour ever since her promotion to Celestian
>figure she's annoyed at Sister Olga being placed above her and is gunning for her own Celestian Superior position
>not likely
>maybe if Sister Katalin or Sister Radmila died in the Crusade
>or Olga ate herself to a heart attack
>it's not a bad statue
>a good pose, tastefully nude with some nice faux purity seals for modesty's sake
>but it's a little too thin
>don't very much appreciate the implication that I might need to be flattered by a statue less than true to life
>more importantly there is a heavy tank-sized scrape through the walls along the main street
>local defense units are scrambling like they have someplace to be
>go to find the Bishop and figure out just what the hell is going wrong currently
>reflect that I always seem to be freshly arriving to a clusterfuck rather than being present for the start of one
>really makes you think
>Be Sargent Thorn
>Had to postpone any further fortification construction when all Imperial Fist Forces were recalled to our Battle Barge after the Magpies raided it
>Was hoping that the fucking necron raids would keep them away but they always find a way to steal anything that is not bolted down
>Anyway after re-securing what was left of their "gift exchange" we received orders from our commander that we are to get ready for the Steel Reign maneuver over the wedding ceremony as a way to fight an upcoming raid by orks and beserkers
>We are also instucted to keep shouting"Steel Reign" and "Battle Bruvas" to the Blood Ravens as some low key insult to them after we land
>from what I heard its referencing some failure of a commander they once had
>Unfortunately, it turns out their was a lot more then just orks and beserkers at that party
>Be me, Formers Planetary Head of State (High-Libido gifted promiscous Women) of a genetic female descendant
>Those Cowgirl Sisters are really nice
>Tell them about my wedding
>Altough their brash and tough attitude some show liking to the story of our love
>They tell me about some thing I could do in my wedding night.
>I am tempted to share some of my techniques with them, but don't wanna get burned on a stake
>Decide to go to the Goth Sisters, maybe they can teach me something nice too.
>Be Strike Commander Morgenson
>Be back aboard the Merciless Gift
>Recieve Word that our Gifts are being stolen by Filthy Necrons
>Our Battle-Brothers are Bravely fighting them off, but with so many gifts, and only so many brothers, it is a losing battle
>Emprah dammit!
>receive call from Brother Furantus and Stormtrooper Fessus that the settlement of Angel’s Landing is about to be besieged by Forces of Heretics and Orkz reminiscent of this conflicts earlier days and needs as much assistance as possible
>It is woefully undersupplied for a conflict of this scale
>Our Forces are already stretched thin as it is
>And considering their opinion of us it’s likely they may not even accept our assistance.
>Still we can’t just leave them to get slaughtered
>what kind of Space Marines would we be?
>I know what I must do
>Order all able Batte Brothers to assist in the defense of Angel’s Landing, and to bring as many gifts with them as they can
>Have to psyche myself up for the next part
>”Brothers, this planet has given us so Much already...I think it is time we give back.”
>It hurts me to say it, but it must be done,
>Better than letting our gifts fall into the hands of Necrons
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>Be Strike Commander Morgensen
>Aboard the Strike Cruiser Merciless Gift
>We are acting as a forward observer for the Claimitus Rex, getting a count of Necron ships in far orbit
>Auspex and sensors cannot detect them as effectively at range
>The Merciless Gift is faster than most large ships, and hopefully will stay out of weapons range
>The Serf crewing Auspex station B informs me that there is a massive pressure spike in the armory
>Potential teleport!
>The Merci;less gift has only few brothers on board, but I gather them with me on a mad sprint through the decks
>The armory doors are intact
>Seven brothers stand with me, bolter or chainsword at the ready as I punch in the command to open blast doors
>Inside, there is a trio of figures
>Two stand with weapons trained at the door, while the third
>The third...
>He's picking up power weapons, looking them over, and throwing them in a pile
>Occasionally he'll some interesting wargear and put it in a tiny cube
>How's the even work?
>He hasn't even noticed us
>The two guards and my brothers stare each other down
>Initiate Thievius coughs loudly
>The third figure turns to face us, covered in ornamentation and runes
>He tips his...diadem?...to us?
>I raise my bolt pistol, ready to shout a challenge
>He's twirling it in his hand
>Gasps and exclamations from my Brothers!
>I hold up his Orb of Resurrection
>His two goons share a worried glance
>His eyes narrow
>He's got my power sword
>I've got his Tachyon Arrow
>He's wearing my helmet
>I'm leaning on his staff
>He's putting my Iron Halo on his Diadem
>I've got his cube thing!
>He's got my ammo belt around his waist
>I've got his...uh...scarab icon?
>Oh shit it's full of spiders!
>And he has my Crux Terminatus
>He tips his hat(and also my hat, that asshole) to me, and disappears with a audible pop
>Boys, get the Claimitus Rex on the horn
>It's Trazyn
>Gift status: Red

Here. Oh shit did I fuck up the subplot you were trying to set up? I just thought since I hadn’t seen any one else use him in a while I could borrow him for a bit.
Ah dingleberries. I must have missed that one.
To be fair, though, it does seem like something that he'd do.

Just retcon mine to before yours. Bam wham, thank you ma'am.
Well, you can have multiple subplots so long as it doesn't recreate the planet situation which this one shouldn't. Plus the multiple side stories made the last one great.
Why not keep both? The first post sets a reason why Strike Commander Morgensen would be heading to the armory in order to get gear to "gift" back to the locals where in the events of the second post occur. Thus setting up the next potential event in which Strike Commander Morgensen needs to return the gear so the city can defend itself but it's already been pilfered by necrons, thus requiring him to get creative ... possibly with that Tesseract he was so kindly gifted?
This sounds good, we’ve already done this with Steve and the Daemonette Anyways.
This also sounds interesting.

Anyways it’s up to whatever the creator of Morgensen wants to do. Switch the order, or keep as is?
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>be Canoness
>more precisely, Konstanzia Konstanza, Canoness Superior of the Order of the Ermine Mantle and all Adepta Sororitas within the Tomis Crusade
>the Electric Eye of the Imperium, the Erythristic Ermine, Heroine of the Battles of Gilda's Hope, Kaliddeum IV and Stercus Ludicrum
>cursed by heretics over a dozen systems, tested against every major foe of the Imperium of Man
>and wedding officiator
>to be fair, I knew this was within the scope of my potential responsibilities when I took the position
>just kind of glossed over it in favor of being able to execute citizens without trial and destroy continents from orbit
>not like there was a shortage of marriage officiants on Shrine World Tomis, or much demand for one in Kaliddeum's mud-soaked trenches
>the Bishop would be the one handling this if it weren't his own damn wedding
>scouts reporting Ork and heretic forces clashing outside the city
>they want to call off the ceremony
>fuck no
>there is no way I am hearing about this every day while I try to structure a Crusade
>take personal command of the local defense units
>order low-level bombardment of the outlying enemy forces
>direct Astartes drop pod support
>move up the timeline for landing reinforcements from the Crusade fleet
>fortify the streets of Angels' Landing leading to the square
>fill the cathedral with Sororitas from all three Orders
>stash my favorite Storm Bolter and four spare bolt drums behind the pulpit in the space there for that specific purpose
>that useless should-be fisherman and his gold-digging whore are going to be married and out of my hair if I have to personally burn a thousand Orks to do it
>Be Original Commissar
>Future me informs me after a brief meeting that the crazy eyed canoness has taken control of the local PDF forces to secure the ceremony and has started giving tactical advice to the Astartes in orbit
>With new tactical knowledge of this I decide to instruct the regiments coming to the city to get into a formation with bane blades as the spearhead and two columns of Lemun Russ tanks at the sides with Chimeras, sentinels, etc acting as support
>The hope is to surround the enemy with vehicles and stormtroopers and use combine fire to whittle them down and keep them close while the Astartes drop on top of them
>After relaying this plan to the Canoness and about any Astartes commander active me and my future self have to unbolt our baneblade and make a mad dash out of the city to the coming regiments
>Despite the uncertain factors involved such as the Astartes part being optional and this whole planet most likely becoming a cluster fuck again, can't help but feel the thrill of battle against such foes of the Imperium
>Especially when you get to bury them under the one thing that makes the Guard worth it
>Massive amounts of tanks
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>Be Sister Terese
>Looks like this wedding bullshit is finally on
>I am looking forwards to the drinks served afterwards though
>Olga and Lydia are fucking hilarious when drunk
>The heroes of the previous war get to be the honor guard - i.e. glorified bridesmaids
>I'm not a hero but I tell Charlotte that she has to let me be there or I'll tell about how she nearly got her statue destroyed
>She says I can be there but to not fuck any of the bridesmaids
>Bitch fine as long as you don't suck off the groom you insufferable cow
>At least wait until the ceremony is over.
>To my surprise Charlotte is actually fucking tearing up over this
>Olga is too I think, but she might just be sweating heavily, can't tell
>Even Lydia and Hanna look emotional and they haven't even started drinking yet
>Konnie just looks kinda pissy, but that might be the cybernetic eyes.
>Meanwhile, I have to put a hand over my mouth to avoid anyone seeing me smile when I see how young this twerp kid is
>Is that his fapping arm?
>Oh well, looks like this is a go, at least we can get wasted after and I can see who I can get into the back of a Repressor.
>Here... we... go
I am his creator (thanks much for using him) and flipping them to Trayzn winning the first loot war and putting the Ravens on the back foot and desperate makes sense.
So, did this post mark the start of the wedding? Just curious.
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>Be me, Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>Orks, Khornates, and Tyranids are attacking my city.
>The Imperial Guard is thoroughly corrupted by a Tzeneechian warp spawn.
>And this cake is at least two stories too small!
>But, it's gonna be fine. Because I read an Ork attack on a wedding is actually considered GOOD luck if you survive it. The marriages tend to last.
>The Imperial Guard are pussies who won't even use flamers, so they'll probably die.
>And as soon as this ceremony is over, it's my wedding night. Who cares about there being enough cake?
>I'm really really really looking forward to finally entering a holy Union with my betrothed
>Order my forces to fight from behind the guard to prevent any last minute betrayals.
>Order some of my honor guard to slouch so I look taller
>Adjust my formal robes, holster my ceremonial flamer, and start walking down the aisle
>Be Decarus
>Be here outside of Angel’s Landing, and see a bunch of the Magpies helping out with the defense planning and coordinating with the other Space Marines here, like the Bumblebees
>They’ve ended up becoming a much more welcome sight around here, probably thanks to the massive piles of “gifts” they keep bringing
>Weapons, Armor, Supplies, raw materials, you name it
>Hoenslty they’re probably responsible for supplying at least half of this defense force
>You can tell it’s really hard for them to part with their gifts
>still, good on them for doin the right thing.
>Anyways, Fessus is drilling us extra hard
>it’s because he cares though
>Probably because we’re gonna end up fighting with the Space Marines, who always go for the much tougher targets than the guard
>on the bright side, they also go for the more important ones too, so they’re usually expected to survive and succeed rather than just Die
>Marcus and Lloyd aren’t too happy, having to get ready to fight again with their hangovers
>Well what did you expect when you drink enough Booze to kill a Rattling?
>Phil’s taking to it like a fish to water
>Even found time to paint all our armors
>he’s really good at that, he ought to have been an artist,
>I think he’s just glad to have a chance to beat Heretics and make inspirational speeches again
>maybe he could ghostwrite for Commander Morgensen?
>Anyways feelin a bit nervous, but also kind of relieved
>This’ll Be the closest we’ve been to our normal life in a while.

Sure looks that way.
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>Be me, da Killa Kan
>I luv when a good scheme comes tagetha
>Got every Ork on dis planet about to come down on da humies.
>Painted summa da trucks purple so da humies won't know what hit'm
>But dats not even da best part.
>On toppa makin me da shootiest and choppiest Killa Kan Eva, da mekboyz have been workin hard
>Built me some brovas outta some ova grots, built da boyz a Buncha big shootas
>And dey'z gonna stomp da whole city wif dis Gargant Rey built.
>Im gonna miss havin all these humies to kill.
>Ere we go!
>Be me, kalabite half born
>Raider speeding through the web way
>Try and calm down, and ignore the wyches
>They occasionally look at me, then the leader and snigger
>Oh, and apparently the leader is a Succubus
>Because this could only get worse
>We're half way to the exit point, and someone grabs my shoulder
>Turn around, expect a knife to find it's way into my throat
>It's the fucking succubus
>Silently make peace with my death
>Her pale skin is kinda red
>Probably drugs or something
"H-hey, what're you doing after this?"
>She stammers like a slave being beat
>I don't even get to finish my response before she blurts out
>Next thing I know she's back to where she was before
>Some wyches are barely holding laughter back
>But most Pat her on the back and say stuff I choose to not hear
>I think the succubus invited me to a gladiator mach
>Probably as a Participant/torture doll
>Shudder and mentally prepare
>Turn back around and get ready to exit the web way

By the big clown if I only knew what was coming.
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>be Canoness
>watch these two colossal human wastes of Imperial resources saunter their way down the aisle
>Saint Brigitte flutters over the crowd, scattering flower pedals
>rushing through the ceremony a bit
>welcome everyone and thank them for their presence even though the "congregation" is almost entirely Imperial Guard, Marine and Sororitas security, many of them actively setting up defensive positions
>pretty sure most of whatever friends and family these two had are long dead now
>skip the part about defining marriage
>skip the part about whether anyone objects
>pretty sure there's a whole army of those outside the gates
>not to mention myself
>hear the familiar ringing of Guard battle cannons outside
>flashes of light shine colors through the stained glass windows to accompany the booming outside
>skip ahead to the "lawfully wedded" bits
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>Be me, Gutthurian "The Gut" Ortylux a proud Berzerker of the Sanctified
>And it is party time!
>Now a lot of our littles have never been part of butchering a wedding before, so we give them a few tips on being a good guest.
>What to wear, what kind of daemons to bring, and how you break the outer shell of guards to get to the soft gooey morsels in formal wear.
>We also slip in some lines from the holovid we all watched. It was too funny.
>We see that the orks had the same idea.
>Ork-Arms flexes and makes a joke about calling in some back up, and we all crack up. That guy is great.
>Seems like they had some warning we were coming, but the guys in the trenches seem jumpy and distracted by the reports of orks a tracking from the south.
>The boys on the North side don't see us coming.
>Let one of my littles get the first kill with his bayonet.
>Great way to break the ice.
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>Be me, Drat-
>Feth it, don't have time for this.
>Transport is ruined, lasted maybe three quarters of the way through The Gut's hype up speech.
>Loyalists seemed to be expecting us.
>Lots of fire coming our way.
>Rhino is wrecked, taken down by a stray basilisk round.
>Shredded three littles, only alive because I happened to be tightening up my boot straps at the time.
>Good thing to, because now we're running.
>The Big'Uns, being the avatars of war and slaughter they are, could easily outpace us littles.
>They don't, they want to give us the first crack.
>Feth it, keep going.
>Legs burning.
>Head pounding.
>Heart racing.
>See Ork-Arms, still dragging his bloody chain-axe.
>Er, Ork-Arm I should say.
>I should lend him a hand, have to stifle back a giggle at my joke.
>Explosions go off, booming in the skies.
>Come to a realization, as The Gut starts talking about the other attack.
>Greenskins are coming from the south.
>Head of a large armoured column.
>Imperials are also expecting them.
>Imperials set up a bigger defense for them.
>Imperials are short changing us.
>Now I'm annoyed.
>Fething lapdogs can't even properly welcome their wedding crashers.
>I'll show em.
>I'll show em good.
>Nearly run into a guardsman.
>Run him through with Icebreaker.
>Start to laugh, got a pun for just this occasion.
>That's when the las bolt hits me.
>Be Sargent Thorn
>Me and my Squad have finally entered into our pod and are awaiting for the familiar feeling of controlled free fall
>We are reminded to drop into the center of the enemy attack, in this case the Greenskins, while Guard regiments provide covering fire for me and my battle brothers
>Suddenly I feel the pod drop
>Nothing can ever beat the feeling of landing in the middle of fucking ork hordes and ripping them to shreds with our bolters and chainswords
>see that everything is going great for my brothers is the assault squads harassing the enemy where they go, devastators providing covering fire, Reviers swooping in and blasting their battle cries that even Orks know to fear, and combined Terminator and Aggressor units making short work of any pitiful attacks the greenskins throw against them
>Truly today was to be that of great victory for us and for the first time I was actually glad to be on this hell blasted planet
>That changed when some Scout Marines from this literally who chapter called the Purple Stars reported a fucking Ork Titan coming towards
>It only gets worse when the Khorn front also reports the remaining Chaos Titans are lumbering their way hear
>Commissar(s) starts making a tactical with drawl and recommends we do the same
>Normally we would be hesitant to disengage with beast such as the Orks but when Titans are suddenly coming and the best Tactical option at the moment is fortifying the Cathedral, we were quick to initiate purification runs and have the Thunder hawks pick us up for our new location
>On the way to the Cathedral we noticed the local crusade militia arguing with the Guard regiments
>Emperor I hope it doesn't end with some Autistic fight
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>be Palatine Sara
>the fastest gun this side of Segmentum Obscura
>draw as soon as the thick wooden cathedral doors start to crack
>the first Orks through the door meet my wheelguns and die with single silver bullets through their heads
>the Golden Light Musician-Sisters set down instruments and take up lever-action boltguns, picking their targets carefully and firing slow, aimed, accurate shots
>Sister Marisol fires a shining brass Gatling gun into the entrance-way
>a single musician continues to play her guitar
>the Sisters continue to whistle in harmony as they fire
>faith and instinct guide my hands
>I am an avatar of righteous force standing among mortal men
>the God-Emperor's supreme will and almighty vengeance channeled through cold iron and grey jets of black-powder smoke
>no man, beast or machine can stand against the ancient and glorious fury of gunpowder, fine aim and holy conviction
>then I fire my 12th shot and hide behind a pillar while I punch spent cartridges out of my guns with the ejector rod one at a time
>being a paradigm of classical justice does have a few drawbacks
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>be Palatine Barbastella
>not that it matters
>I am a corpse
>I live no longer
>the God-Emperor has welcomed my spirit lovingly and with open arms into the same void that awaits us all
>I am already dead, and in knowing this I draw strength
>I carry my tomb with me and welcome the Enemies of Man to join me within it
>the Repentias of the Black Sepulchre move without fear
>they, too, know that they have already died
>they wield long chain-spears, flanking the entrance, eviscerating enemies as they pour in
>draw my own weapon, a long, thin sabre-saw
>there's no use in knowing your death if you can't send others to theirs
>kept back by the blades, the Orks funnel in through the natural chokepoint, down the aisle just like the bride and groom had
>marriage is a form of death
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>be Canoness
>though it doesn't come highly recommended
>the Orks got here sooner than expected
>hadn't even gotten to "you may kiss the bride" yet
>but we were ready for this
>watch Sara start dropping Orks before my hands are even on the storm bolter under the pulpit
>holy shit
>how did I ever doubt that bitch
>watch her duck down and start awkwardly trying to reload her stupid revolvers
>oh right now I remember
>Sister Terese grabs the former-Governor's daughter and pulls her behind the fortified altar
>scream for Brigitte to get her fat holy ass in gear
>watch Barbastella flick nonverbal commands to her cadre of slutty goths
>they take up positions on either side of the aisle, forming a phalanx and hunkering down to allow the Guardsmen and the few present Space Marines clear shots
>she pulls out some kind of weird chainsword I've never seen
>it looks like a rapier mixed with one of those electric turkey carvers
>fucking hipster
>Sister Olga tackles the Bishop to cover as he tries pulling a holstered flamer
>no better human shield in the Imperium
>seen Imperial Guard fortifications that were slimmer
>fire my storm bolter indiscriminately up the length of the aisle from behind the pulpit as Orks pour inside
>Brigitte starts bathing them in holy fire from the rafters
>start thinking things might stay this easy
>get punished for it as always
>Marines over the vox report an Ork Gargant pushing in from the south
>Guards report at least one heretic Titan from the north
>this might not go as well as I'd hoped
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>Be Sister Charlotte
>Be having the fucking wedding I organized ruined
>I mean, they rushed through to the important part but still
>Grab my melta from under my pew and find the biggest Ork I can, melt its goddamn ugly face.
>See Sister Terese is already pushing the Governors daughter down while firing with a bolt pistol
>Sisters Lydia and Hanna are moving to flank the Canoness with drawn bolters and are cutting down Orks
>Suddenly Ork fucking walkers are storming in through the wall mowing down the guests in the pews
>Well, the non-important local guests
>Aim my melta and blow off one of its legs
>Start to walker-bust my way towards the catering table
>Fuck it, who am I kidding, this is the best wedding ever.
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>Be me, Gor'Muncha
>Iz been 'avin a good toim.
>Iz watched dem big Kans krumpin dah 'umies.
>Iz stop meself from joinin in da ruckus, even if Iz wantin too.
>Iz a Kommando, and a Kommando don't abandon da missun.
>I seez dem humies tryin ta foit off dah lads.
>Dey don't know what wez Orks iz good fer.
>Da Kans is comin, sees a big 'umie get ripped.
>Almost time.
>'Umie is comin up.
>'Umie 'as a big burna, Kans iz getting mucked up.
>But iz a Kommando.
>An a Kommando neva fails 'is missun.
>Drop from above.
>Iz been 'iding in dah 'umie art in dis 'ere chapel.
>Big ol'drawin o'Umies and the big tin boys.
>Dey neva even seen dah purple gitz, blended in perfect wiff da background.
>Iz fallin now.
>Draw me stikka.
>Iz a stikka, because I'z stikk ya wiff it, not chop.
>'Umie wiff da big burna below, lookin at da kans, finkin it's safe.
>Iz gonna show dis 'ere 'umie no one is safe from DA ORKS!
>Be future Commissar
>Was responsible for the Khorne front while other me was dealing with some greenskin
>That was until our adversaries managed to get some fucking Titans and have them start lumbering their way to the wedding
>I would say that it was probably the greatest wedding crash witnessed in human history though that would be giving credit to such lowly vermin and I can't allow that
>That said it became obvious that withdrawing all forces to the ceremony and fortify it
>At first the tactical with draw was working with Artillery and Valkaries keeping the enemy off of us
>Then we ran into some of the Bishops personal army who refused to let us leave stating "By retreating I was not giving glory to the Emperor and was by extension a heretic"
>Was about to contact the Canoness to tell these fuckers to let us retreat to the ceremony when we receive word that the fucking purple colored Orks managed to get to the Ceremony.
>How the fuck do purple colored Orks sneak past us, the planet is most gray with the occasional fire and corpse mountain
>Though this got the zealots to make a mad dash back to the ceremony
>Decided to give them a ride since it means we now have a meatshield and they wouldn't dare try to shoot us
>Upon arrival the place was swarming with purple
>I'm not joking the entire outside was nearly purple save for the occasional Blue, red, white, and Gold of the Cold Shoulder regiments and the colors of the Space Marines fighting outside
>The fucking orks even painted their vehicles purple though that was changing due to how much blood was starting to get on their vehicles
>Original Version of me pulls up right next to me and decides that our Blaneblade will be a great to break down the doors where the Ceremony is being held and use the Baneblade and our elite stormtroopers to clear the inside
>This plan involved just about any risk you can imagine and was in general fucking stupid, and I fucking loved it
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>Be me, Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>How dare they! How dare any of these filthy xenos enter this hallowed temple of the emperor.
>And she only had one more sentence! I knew I should have officiated this thing myself! The emperor wants me to be married RIGHT NOW.
>As the battle starts I grab my betrothed
>I am sure the Emperor wants me to consummate my marriage immediately, so I consider retreating to safety with my bride.
>But the Emperor had sent the Sisters of Battle to shelter my bride.
>Because the emperor clearly wants me focused on battle.
>Which means the emperor thinks that orks have existed too long.
>The aisle, MY aisle, is full of massive disgusting huge tusked Ork monsters.
>My honor guard attempts to restrain me, but I rip free. I press my ceremonial flamer into the hands of the nearly-abhuman sized member of my honor guard and I take his flamer.
>The massive furnace of the emperor's cleansing light is nearly as big as I am.
>I march directly into the fray, batting the first of the massive orks away easily, filled with the Emperor's fury
>And then I filled MY AISLE with fire.
>be guardsman on guard duty
>can hear the faint explosions and WAAAAAGH screams happening in the distance
>the worst part of this is job is that any minute something will show up and kick down our doors
>the waiting is what truly terrfies me
>i guess i can't complain beats being on the frontlines
>suddenly what appears to be a moving rainbow appears out of nowhere
>i try to get a better look and pull out my longlas
>it's a band of jetbikes speeding towards us
>try sound the alarm but i was too...late?
>an eldar jump into my watch tower and grabs the voxcaster
>jetbikes leap over our base in a single bound
>they drop panphelts from the sky
>the eldar hands me tickets for me and two friends as she jumps out
>well at least no one died
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>Be Sister Terese
>Be one of the only sensible people in here
>Be sensible due to knowing how cover works
>Snapping shots off with my bolt pistol as I get the lady of the hour to safety
>I'd be shooting better if Olga's fat ass wasn't taking up most of my field of vision
>It doesn't help that her lower clothing is heavily on fire, makes her ass sort of illuminated and holy looking
>Actually, way too much of this Cathedral is on fire now
>No one ever thinks of the effects of these things
>See Charlotte glory hogging as usual as basically one whole wall of this place is disintegrated.
>What the fuck are there Orks... dropping from the ceiling
>Haha, looks like Charlotte is going to get a knife up her ass
>Suddenly I realize that the catering table that I worked so hard on is in danger of being crushed by orks
>Oh fuck, that was some really good amasec
>Run across the Cathedral brandishing a bolt pistol and a sword
>Fire in the air since it seems the thing to do
>That dumb cow Charlotte thinks I'm actually shooting at something and notices the Ork, getting out of the way
>Shit, guess she gets to live another day
>However, the catering table is now a lost cause as the fucking largest Ork walker I've ever seen smashes through the rest of the wall, crushing everything under one gigantic foot
>Man, Olga's fat flaming ass is going to be pissed over this.
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>Be me, Gor'Muncha
>Dis a roit an propah foit.
>Da Boyz iz 'ere
>Da Kans iz 'ere
>Da 'Umies iz 'ere
>Sees a 'umie wiff a burna, 'es burnin lotsa boys.
>'Es burnin lotsa 'umies too
>E must want us ded.
>Poor 'umie don't know, we's ain't dyin.
>Dey iz gunna do da dyin.
>'Umie beneef me gets away.
>Throw me Stikka at da 'Umie.
>Iz wanted ta krump em
>But Iz got a missun.
>Moves away from da foit.
>'Ear a big boom.
>'Umies bringin lotsa dakka.
>Da Weirdboyz said dey wanted lotsa 'umies an der dakka 'ere.
>Go low, head lower.
>In me pack, 'ear a noise.
"We aren't going someplace scary are we."
>Iz da Grot, fink 'is name is Gitzmo.
>Weirdboyz say keep 'em alive.
>'Es a part of da plan.
>Be Gitzmo
>Be scared.
>Be REALLY scared.
>Da boss seyz Gitzmo 'as a job.
>Boss seyz it's big job, Gitzmo iz really important.
>Gitzmo wiff Kommando.
>Gitzmo still scared, especially of Kommando.
>Pull up bitz and flashy fings.
>Start puttin dem togetha.
>Gitzmo don't know how Gitzmo knows how.
>Gitzmo good with deez fings.
>Kommando moving down, into depths.
>E's grabbin 'umies.
>Needz 'em for the plan.
>Gitzmo knows.
>Gitzmo goes back to work
>Weirdboyz countin on Gitzmo.
>We'z gonna krump em all.
>Be me, Ex-Governors Daugther, Bishops Bethroted
>Go to the Goth Sisters
>Plead them to teach me how to make poems
>They only write ones about Death, Unsung Glory and the linegering Hatred wtihin their tortured Souls
>Plead them to teach me how to darn
>The only darn Skull, Tears, Moons, Chains and other edgy stuff upon their robes
>Plead them to teach me how to sing
>Suddendly they all get buzy, take me to the Cathredral in one of their Repressors
>Their Field Trip Music is horrible
>Hush in my dress, get to the ceremony
>mfw when everyone is fucking armed to their teeth, lines of sisters, zealots and even guardsman taking their place in and outside
>Apparently they are preparing for a defence
>Ceremony is pretty nice even though rushed
>Wait are those purple orks?
>Wait are those chaos cultists on the hill?
>Wait are those Titans on the Horizon.
>A Sister pushes me down, a other pushes my babe, we look into each other Eyes
>He kisses me, puts up his flamer and walks onto the horde like a motherfucker
>By Him-Upon-The-Throne, I will fuck the living shit out of this boy tonight, he deserves it.
>I stay behind, but get a grab on a Lasgun, to defend myself, take some shots from the cover, hit some cultist idiot
>If any of you has reasons why these two should not be married, speak now or get his brain blown out.webm
"and" instead of "or".
>Be me, Sister Olga
>And I love weddings!
>They've got everything! Ceremony, catering, true love, tall guys...
>Ceremony is beautiful, I honestly want to cry.
>The little guy looks adorable in his formal robes, the bride is surprisingly sweet for someone marrying a powerful religious fanatic, there is a really nice spread, and my counterpart in the groom's honor guard is just... huge.
>And then of course, the orks came
>Of course like the only nice day I have had in like so long and like of course it has to get ruined!
>Orks pouring into the Cathedral, how the hell did they even get this far?
>Of course there is fire everywhere, smelly orks, and some sort of shitty Ork mechs.
>The pipsqueak bishop is trying to act tough again, starting to spray flame everywhere. One of Netherlands orks he burns ends up on me and completely ruins my dress.
>That fucking slut Sister Terese is staring at my ass, as usual.
>Those fucking mechs just crashed into the catering table.
>You know what I wouldn't even care even though I haven't eaten in two days to make sure I could fit into this dress and I am absolutely fucking starving.
>I care more that every one of these skinny bitches is going to make some shitty comment about it. "Sorry you didn't get anything to EAT, OLGA"
>Oh my Emperor I hate all of them.
>And I hate ORKS
>At least I can kill orks.
>I pull out my heavy Bolter and go to work on the Ork mechs.
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>Be me, 'Umie McUmieton
>Be not Gor'Muncha
>Iz runnin about, in me 'umie clothes, dat I didn't take from some git.
>Gitzmo iz in me front pokkit.
>'E as Da Fing, ready ta go.
>Iz 'eading for me target.
>Find it.
>Big ol'genyrata
>Da 'Umies iz 'avin a weddin.
>Lotsa powa been used.
>Iz gonna loot it good.
>Take Gitzmo.
>Throw 'im at the Genyrata.
>'E knows what to do, starts attaching Da Fing.
>Iz take me flashy bit.
>We'z gonna 'ave some fun soon.
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>Be Gitzmo
>Be 'appy.
>We'z almost done it.
>Fing is attached.
>Take da wires and put in me brain.
>Iz ouch, but boss seyz to do it anyway.
>See Umie McUmieton
"We'z ready ta go! 'Ere! 'ERE!"
>Give him dah cablin
>'E puts in 'is skull.
>We's make da noise.
>Up in orbit, Da Weirdboyz 'ear us.
>Dey knows what ta do next.
>We'z feel da powa of da genyrata.
>We'z feel da powa of da Weirdboyz.
>Lotsa weirdboyz fer dis kunnin trick.
>Genyrata starts smokin
>Room starts gettin glowy.
>Room starts shakin.
>Floor turns green.
>Iz good Green is best.
>Tellyporta way begins openin
>Tellyporta don't connect up to roks or otha Ork ships.
>It goes somewhere else!
>Somewhere greener....
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>Be Gor'Muncha again.
>Tellyporta iz workin.
>Iz getting bigga, could drive me trukk into it.
>Keeps growin.
>Suddenly, feel da wind, like big tornado.
>Sucking everything into da tellyporta way.
>Grab onto genyrata, which is smoking 'arder now.
>Gitzmo goes into da tellyporta.
>Wind stops.
>Then starts again.
>Dis time blowing out, tryin ta push as much air away from tellyporta.
>Oh zog, dere is Gitzmo again.
>Go to me belt.
>Grab me spikey bomb.
>Look into tellyporta.
>Wait fer da wind ta stop, and throw it in.
>Start runnin.
>Dat tellyporta don't go to more orks.
>It goes ta Mork.
>Er, Mork's nose dat iz.
>Da snout O'Mork is breathin into da 'Umie fort.
>An I, Gor'Muncha, threw a bomb into it.
>Iz not worried, it goes off.
>Mork won't be 'urt by no puny bomb.
>It'll itch bad tho.
>It's makin me way up the stairs, when it 'appens.
>Even Orks need ta scratch da inside a dere nose when dey itch.
>'Umies was ready fer da orks.
>Let's see 'ow da 'umies is ready fer da finga O'Mork, rising up from da tellyporta, come ta pick 'umies and boogies all at once.
>Entire building shaking now, Mork's got big finga, and 'es gonna scratch good.
>Betta make me sneeky exit.
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>Be me, da Killa Kan
>Everything is right ta my cleva scheme
>When dis iz done, gonna krump da warboss
>Gonna be da first Kan warboss
>Fer now just killin humies
>Got enough shootas to kill 4 humies at once
>Some angry little humie lightin a Buncha the boyz on fire. Even the big Ork boyz iz weaker den me.
>Chop some ova humies.
>Stomp on dere squig tables
>Big humie wit a big shoota seems upset, starts comin at me, shootin me wif some big humie shoota
>Can't feel dat, just hittin da armor
>It iz gettin really hot in dis armor though
>Dis big humie keeps shootin, she's screaming
>So much fire
>So hot in dis Kan
>In dis Kan
>Be Original Commissar
>Despite our impending doom lumbering towards us, I am having the time of my life
>I nearly forgot how fucking amusing this planet was when it was a clustefuck
>Its nostalgica by this point, being the middle of a literal sea of color with Guard, Sisters, Space Marines, Orks, and Heretics fighting each other
>Hell recently the Eldar are on this planet again along with the Nids and Necrons becoming more active
>Emperor I love bringing his wrath to heretics and xenos alike
>Especially when I finally managed to get the Baneblade into the Cathedral
>The look on everybodys faces when my tank comes in with elite stormtroopers firing their hell guns every where with me and my future self firing our las revolvers at anything purple
>I swear the room was nothing but blue lasfire everywhere for a while, until the Orks started shooting back, though thats fine since it made it easier to fire back
>I take back any statements of this system turning into a cluster fuck back, this is fun, though this is probably due to my sanity starting to crack due to having to keep the firm Commissar attitude outside of battle for the most part
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>Be Gor'Muncha
>Be runnin
>Be runnin as fast as me legs can go.
>Rumblin beneath only gets rumbly-er
>Get back to da top.
>See da boyz, da 'umies, an da dakka.
>Look at the lads.
>I ain't no shouta, but Iz give it a try.
>Iz don't wait ta see if dey listen.
>Orks iz made fer dyin too, ya know.
>Atleast da 'Umies iz 'ere.
>Lotsa 'Umies.
>Mork iz gonna scratch dem good.
>Especially when I finally managed to get the Baneblade into the Cathedral
>Be me, the best Seneschal in the business
>Wedding, had a nice spread until the orks showed up
>Greenskin monsters who live for murder aren't exactly great guests, but I was in tougher jams then this back on the rogue trader ship.
>When things start to get green, I decide it's time to make my exit.
>That's when thing goes sideways
>The orks are fleeing, which makes this easier, but as soon as I look up I see something REALLY scary staring back
>The baby bishop looks completely unhinged. I'm not even sure he needs the flamer anymore, everything around him just seems to burn.
>He grabs me by my collar with that ridiculously large bionic arm they put on him.
>He starts dragging me towards the Ork portal, and throws me at what looks like a kind of generator.
>The psychotic little idiot starts shouting for me to "KILL THE BOX"
>I try to explain to him that Ork tech doesn't work on reason, but he just points his flamer at me.
>He's just as stupid and psychotic as his followers.
>Start ripping apart the generator and as best I can, pull out my monoknife to cut the cable.
>I hope this works
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>Be Gitzmo
>Be trapped in breathing winds of Morkish breathin.
>Flyin back an forth
>Not so bad.
>Feel da rumblin
>Finga comin.
>Fly forward.
>Lets see 'ow 'Umie likes Gitzmo ripping apart 'is face with me teef.
>Be me, Sister Olga
>Send those stupid mechs running.
>Maybe if these other bitches weren't all, like, anorexic they could actually handle real weapons.
>The rest of the Orks start taking off too.
>Kind of wish they didn't, I'd honestly like to kill more of them for ruining this beautiful ceremony.
>But since I see that that huge groomsmen is alright, albeit covered in Ork blood, maybe this lull in the war gives us an opportunity to do some other things.
>But then I realize the problem, they've set up some sort of portal to... Something
>Everyone else is running around and panicking. That little bishop maniac seems to have given up and is now just torturing that guy always staring at the bride's ass.
>As usual, it's up to me.
>Those other bitches always call my bag too big, or "chunky", but it's why I'M the one that's always prepared.
>I run up to the ring of the portal and strap a few detpacks onto the mechanical ring of the portal.
>Run for cover and slide behind a broke table
>Wait, this was the catering table
>I'm kneeling in a bunch of food
>I look around the room and find Charlotte, Lydia, Terese, and the Canoness looking back at me.
>Fuck my life.
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>Be me, Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>When I noticed the Orks were opening a portal into Chaos or the Warp or... whatever it is orks use, I knew I had to take action.
>Being primarily dedicated to spiritual pursuits, I consulted one of my followers.
>I directed the Seneschal to what I deduced was the source of the problem.
>He lacks true faith, a lifetime spent with a rogue table and engaging in casual sin has reduced his soul.
>I offer him the motivation necessary to overcome his cowardice.
>He cuts some cords and rips some wires, and the portal starts to flicker.
>As I look back towards the portal I see that fat Sister of Battle doing something and then...
>Is that an Ork... bat?
>Turn my flamer towards the flying Ork as it charges towards the Seneschal. It catches fire, but I think it makes it to him.
>The burning little bastard gets caught in my flamer, but it still lands on the Seneschal.
>I'm sure a rogue trader can handle some burns and scratches.
>Look back towards the portal. It's losing power but something seems to be coming through, something big.
>Is that a... finger?
>The portal is flickering, which seems to be slowing down whatever is trying to push through, but it's still coming
>Just then, half of the portal explodes and I'm knocked off of my feet.
>Land hard with my flamer on top of me
>Did the fat Sister of Battle do that? I scan the scene looking for her.
>Nope, she's kneeling over the broken remains of the catering table looking for food.
>Looks like I saved the day on my own.
>Well, no, I did have help.
>The Emperor was with me the whole time.
Bravo to the guy who took over the orks. I did my best with the Killa Kan, but I never felt like I had a solid grasp of Ork-speech. You fucking killed it bro.
>Be me, the best Seneschal in the Business
>Actually making some progress with this generation. Cut disable a lot of the generator, but I don't really understand how this thing works.
>Things are starting to go green, so I refocus on cutting through the cable.
>Finally manage to make it through with my monoknife
>Things seem to calm down a little bit, the world itself stops shifting to green.
>Just as I finish up I start hearing some sort of screeching and feel the heat from that little maniac using his flamer.
>Something hits me in the face. Something burning.
>Then the explosion hit, and knocked me off my feet.
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>Be me, Kalabite half born
>holy shit this is intense
>when we exited the webway almost immediately we were in combat
>I get first blood, lanced a tank through and through with the dark lance
>one of the wyches leans over the side with a big ass pike and impales some Mon'keigh
>puts the pike into a holder
>it's still screaming
>fucking awesome
>the succubus from before is now the scariest thing I've ever seen
>laughing maniacally while tossing razor wire nets off the sides
>watch as one makes a Mon'keigh into tiny cubes
>the driver makes a sudden shift
>just over a enemy tank
>with the commander sticking out the top
>oh shi-
>shock prow fucking mists the thing
>have a fine coat of blood covering my mask
>turn to glare at driver
>she laughs
>the other wytches laugh
>the harlequin laugh
>the space clown slaps my shoulder and slips some tickets into my poutch
>I don't question because harlequin
>we move through the city after bypassing the battlefield
>I've been shooting shit with the dark lance, it's kinda fun
>realize I might need to exit the craft
>reach for something while firing
>grab something squishy, not what I want
>hand finds a handle
>it's an agonizer
>we serybite now
>turn around
>succubus is redder than before
>stammering some nonsensical stuff
>huh, probably the drugs
>wyches all whistle and cheer the succubus on
>she starts to say something
>suddenly the driver yells
>Suddely the raider hits something solid and metal
>suddenly I'm flying through the air like a jetbike
>think I hear the succubus swearing as I fly away
>Skip along the ground
>smash through a wall of some Mon'keigh building
>man if it weren't for the drugs I'd be in so much pain
>wait I'm not on any drugs
>groan weakly
>Be Marcus
>Be dug in in a trench crowded shoulder-to-shoulder with a bunch of other poor saps fighting against an unstoppable force and hoping they don’t break our lines
>Just like the Old days
>The Old days were a bloody pain
>Never had any booze
>Except this time we’ve got some Space Marines backin’ us up
>With All The Blood Ravens former gifts being here they’ve REALLY got incentive to fight
>and i’ve Got carapace and a plasma gun
>Do doin a pretty alright job, especially considerin the Forces we got and what we’re fighting.
>then they pulled out some fucking Titans
>This front’s a lost cause, new orders are to fall back to the cathedral so that crazy fuckface of a Bishop can have his wedding
>with any luck these fucks will start fighting the Orkz too
>Run towards land raider
>it’s already full
>Well shit, now how are we supposed to get back
>Fessus looks over at the Commissars’ Baneblade
>oh no he’s havin another on of his retarded ideas agian isn’t he?
”Well, technically we are elite Stormtroopers, and we are all on the same side and going to the same place.”
”Maybe we could have our old boss give us a ride?”
>This Plan is every bit as retarded as I thought it would be
>But I ain’t got any better ideas
>And it sure as hell beat’s staying here or trying to make in on foot.
>Fuck it, let’s see carpool with our old boss who’s tried to kill us and see if they notice the stormtroopers with the Blood Ravens color scheme.
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>Be me, Gutthurian "The Gut" Ortylux a proud Berzerker of the Sanctified
>And this is a heckuva party!
>We're making our way through the defensive fortification with only moderate resistance. The other team just keeps giving up ground.
>Some of them are putting up a decent fight though. One of my littles has lost an arm and another one got shot with a lasbolt
>Give the guy that got shot a little peptalk
>Pic Related
>Crazy Ork-Arms is still trying to heft that axe. Give the little nut a chain sword from a dead guard. You've only got one arm now buddy.
>Get a look at the Cathedral from a platform where I cut up a couple of peasants with lasguns. Man these guys do know how to party.
>There is some sort of Eldar craft sticking out of the side of the Cathedral and a bunch of Ork mechs running away in every direction.
>One of the bigger ones is actually running towards us.
>You boys wanna "Crack open a green one?"
>Be Fessus
>Be Riding in Baneblade that previously tried to run us over
>Thankfully, it’s occupants either don’t notice, or don’t care who we are.
>Fine by me, Free rides are still free,
>Get to the Cathedral,
>Commissar seems to have lost it and decides to drive the Damn thing INTO th Cathedral
>Be firing at everything that looks even remotely Orky
>Place is entirely filled without Orkz, Bolter bitches me Fire
>Some of them are those Ermine Mantle bitches from earlier, including that crazy-eyes cunt and their living Saint that Decarus wouldn’t shut up about
>I am still salty about the whole not given us a ride thing
>they’ve also got some Frontierworld style gunslingers and Goth Weirdoes with them too.
>Suddenly See fucking Portal
>Giant green pillar poking through.
>I don’t know what it is and I don’t wanna know
>”Everyone focus Fire!”
>It seems to hurt it but not stop it
>Thankfully the Fat Bolter bitch had the sense to put out some Detpacks on the portal before going to stuff her face
>Crises averted I guess
>Then Some Dark Eldar ducking crash through the Window
>Because of course they’d Show up here
>Hear bloodthirsty, non Orky screaming coming from outside
>Oh right forgot about them
>Get to what remains of Barricades to try and keep the Chaos crazies from getting inside
>Nothing ever stays simple does it?
>Be Decarus
>Be inside Cathedral
>Entire place is on Fire
>Everyone is fighting, lasfire, regular fire, plasma, bolts, and bullets flying everywhere
>Corpses all around
>Most of the Pulpits and pews are destroyed
>Catering table ruined
>DEldar raining through the windows,
>still, could be worse, it’s not the worst wedding I’ve been to,
>See Brigitte is here
>she looks so beautiful when she’s snoring Xenos
>stand up to call out to her
>almost get my head blown off by an Ork
>perhaps this isn’t the best time
>alternate between helping the Sisters and Guard proper clean up the rest of the Orkz in here, and helping Fessus and Marcus try and repair the barricades with broken tables, pews, and scrap
>it goes pretty well actually
>seriously, Marcus is a whiz with Duct tape
>I once saw him repair a slagged out Chimera with nothing but Duct tape, scrap, and Cron corpses
>It only ran for 2 days, but it if it handed taken all those plasma hits it might have ran for longer
>still we only have so much time to get things ready, hoping the Orkz can keep the Khornates busy a bit longer too.
>Wonder where the rest of the Ravens are
>For some reason, their landraider was heading towards the Titan rather than away from it.
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>Be me, kalabite half born Drazan
>Be in so much pain
>Goan again
>Look around my resting place
>It's a fucking warzone
>Almost as bad as that time the wytch cults beast cages were all opened on accident
>Fuck that was hilarious
>Most of them seem to ignore me probably think I'm dead
>Because I sure as hell feel like it
>Crawl into some cover
>One arm is broken
>My internals feel like they were blended
>Look through pack for anything to help
>Find one I don't remember getting
"Dr. Garls cure all!"
>Has a pic of that haemunculus
>Fuck it I'm probably going to die again
>Take off helmet and jab that shit into my neck
>Nothing happens
>Well, could've been wor-
>Suddenly it feels like my bones are pulling themselves together
>This hurts so much
>Holy fuck
>Scream like a craftworld banshee
>It stops suddenly
>I feel fine
>Armor is a bit beat up but otherwise fine
>Grab the agonizer, thankfully it didn't fall off
>Like my splinter pistol
>Wytches falling from the roof
>Start running around killing shit
>See half the raider sticking through roof
>Explains the wytches
>Succubus looks distressed
>She scans the room from the top of the raider
>Occasionally shooting thing with blast pistol
>She sees me and relaxes somewhat
>She jumps I'm to the melee
>She winks at me
>Why? Fuck if I know
>Look at my other hand
>It's covered in some sweet smelling mush
>Hesitantly try some
>It's actually not that bad
>The floor is covered in it for whatever reason
>Crouch walk towards more stable cover
>Fail to notice female mon'keigh
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>Me be, Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>And I have been a fool. A victim of Tzeneech's schemes.
>All of the vile forces in existence were crashing against us. Chaos, orks, Eldar, and Emperor knows what was still to come.
>And yet, I had been dividing our forces. Sowing dissent between my holy legions and the Imperial guard based on distrust and my doubts concerning their faith.
>But as I lay on the floor I watched the brave men and women of the Imperial Guard fight and die to save my betrothed and I. Men and women WITHOUT the emperor's mark and protection.
>I had to make this right.
>I swatted the flaming Grot off my Seneschal. He too had proven his worth.
>Instructed my honor guard to gather the wounded and poorly armed to bring with me. While the Orks were in withdraw we needed to get to my broadcast system.
>Sent some of my men to aid the guardsmen who had gone to reinforce the barricades.
>Instructed my vox assistant to get me in touch with that damn Commissar. We needed our forces working in unison if we were going to succeed. And we were going to need his guardsmen on the artillery pieces I'd bought if they were going to be effective.
>Finally, I went to my bride. I smiled when I saw her taking potshots with a las rifle.
>Taking some of my honor guard, we retreated deeper into the Cathedral to get to my broadcast system and some other things that would help
>Be me, the cleverest Grot ta eva pilot a Killa Kan
>Makin a strategic retreat, let dem humies burn demselfs out den Ill go back fer anuva go
>After dat I'll get back ta my scheme ta take AAAHHH
>Something interrupted my strategies, tripped me up inta one of dem humie trenches
>A Buncha spikey humies came outra nowhere
>Dey'z not cleva like me, give'm some'a da shoota and da...
>Dey started swarmin me like grotz, ripping and tearin at my Kan
>Some 'uge spikey humie reaches into my seein hole and rips da front right off my Kan
>Why does he keepin lickin 'is lips
>Be Marcus
>managed to jury-rig some barricades together
>Not my Finest work, but it’ll do
>The Bishop decided to give us Some reinforcements to help hold out
>Phil’s over with’em given them one of his pep talks
>Good, if there’s One thing Phil’s good at, it’s whipping people up into s righteous frenzy
>we also got the living Saint here too
>The Beserkers are also just as busy fighting the Orkz as they are us
>Gives us lots of chances to take them both out
>But dammit it’s no good!
>Unless the Magpies can solve our Titan problem we’re still screwed.
>living Saint raining done holy fire from above
>Get’s hit in the stomach by a Flying chain axe out of nowhere
>Bloody Hell
>Whatever she can heal, she’ll be fine
>Although May be not if some of those Chaos marines have something to say about it
>Hey Decarus were you goin-
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>Be Norn-Queen
>But you guys can call me Becky!
>Just because I want to devour all of you and your worlds doesn't mean we can't be friendly
>I am in charge of Hive Fleet Becky
>I'm sure you guys give it a different name though
>All my cute little kiddies are busy getting ready for another go down on the surface
>What little troopers!
>Honestly this planet doesn't have great biomass but I have a personal reason for being here
>Once, some very mean pieces of meat in shiny armour (but with some really nice white and black scarves - really snappy!) burned a lot of my kiddies
>Which is fine you know - they do grow up so fast and its hard to keep track of them all
>But I was busy directing my forces and listening in, and I heard a couple of this pieces of meat talking - and so rude!
>"So you hear that the Tyranids have a Queen that rules them?"
>"Wow, makes sense I guess. Figure she's having her time of the month?"
>"Pff. Bet she looks like Sister Olga considering how much these things eat."
>"Yeah, probably a big fat space cow."
>You see I just can't let this go?
>That's why I have so many Mawlocs, en route right now
>And that's why I won't be happy until all those catty bitches have been eaten
>Who's laughing now, ladies?
>Be Decarus
>be shooting at Cathedral barricades
>It’s going Great.
>Only half of them even seem to notice us
>and even less seem to rent what cover or ranged weaponry is
>Thank the Emperor for this hellgun
>And the Blood Ravens too.
>See Sister Brigitte flying above and bringing down the Emperor’s holy wrath upon his enemies
>She really is just like an angel
>suddenly a flying Chainaxe spins right into her stomach and knock her out of the Air
>oh Emperor Please no!
>Don’t even think
>Just jump over the barricades and run over to her.
>Please be alright, Please be alright, please be alright.
>See A Chaos marine wrestling his Chain axe out of her
>Charge him
>Catch him off guard,
>Get him right in the eye
>Get’s me right in the side
>guess that wasn’t such a smart idea after all
>His chainaxe wasn’t turned on, or i’d be dead
>instead it only throws me a few meters and into a peice of rubble
>It’s hurts like all hell
>But that’s good right?
>Means I’m still alive
>who’s blood is all that?
>is that mine?
>maybe that won’t Be true for long
>feel really tired, but I can close my eyes, they tell you not tondo that, or else you won’t wake up again
>I’m sorry Brigitte
>I tried
>suddenly Chaos Marine gets mobbed
>Two people break off and come to me
>Hey it’s Lloyd and Phil
>They’re trying to bandage me up
>isn’t that my job?
>I hope the boss doesn’t catch me slacking
>I feel really really tired.
>I wish I could sleep.
>Be Princeps Majoris Mannerheim
>Be Princeps of Legio Nivalis
>Be driving a fucking giant war machine
>This is so fucking sweet.
>Apparently some bumfuck planet is having issue with Chaos Titan Legions?
>No fucking problem dudes
>Fucking crank the music as loud as it is go
>This is how the Ice Giants roll baby
>My Moderati crack open the beer cools
>What a fucking rad world this is.
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>Be me, Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>Getting ready for my big performance. Throw on my open chested performance robe, so that my holy markings are visible to everyone on the broadcast screens.
>Practice some poses with my flamer until my bride picks one that she thinks makes me look tough, but holy.
>I wave my hand to signal the Seneschal to start the broadcast and then I make sure to quickly fix my pose. Get the thumbs up from my bae.

Brothers and Sisters of Stercus Ludicrum. I come to you in what is certainly NOT your darkest hour. We are under assault from Orks and Chaos, but for the veterans of this planet this is nothing new.

But today, we are uniquely blessed. Though the forces of Chaos tried desperately to stop me, I have married my bride in accordance with the Emperor's will. We have pleased the Emperor, and he will extend his protection to all of us, so long as we stand together. I call on my followers to not just fight alongside their brethren in The Guard, but WITH them.

For those of you who feel fear or doubt, you need only gaze upon my chest. The Emperor marked me with his Holy Aquila. His mark has protected me through battles across this planet. And now, I extend that protection to each and every one of you.

The Emperor is with you. Now burn his enemies.

>I signal the end of the broadcast.
>Direct those with me to arm themselves, and call in the order on the vox to start preparing our vehicles.
>In the mean time, as much as I'd like to get right back to fighting, as a Bishop I understand the rules of marriage.
>Pretty sure to really pass on the Emperor's blessing to everyone I'm going to have to consummate it.
>And I am but I humble servant of his will.
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>Be me, 'Umie Mc'Umieton again.
>Be doin 'Umie fings.
>Orks is mukkin about.
>Dey makin a break fer it.
>Iz feelin pride.
>Dat's when Iz 'ear it.
>Da Tellyporta went down.
>Mork ain't gunna destroy dah 'umie while diggin' fer boogies.
>Still in disguise
>Still on missun I guess.
>Iz leave da lads, foitin dem spikey gitz.
>'Umies iz gonna not be fun?
>Iz not gonna let dem 'ave fun.
>Movin to dere mek shop.
>All da 'Umie eitha foiting on da front, er at da 'Umie fort
>'Oly Matrimorky cera-money er sumfing.
>Dere flashy bitz iz open.
>Iz stroll into da bay.
>Iz da pitcha a 'umie mekboy
"Iz 'ere ta get some arma up fer da foit."
>Da 'umies suspect nuffin.
>Iz look about.
>Iz see wut I'm look fer.
>Seez wot 'umie call a Shadowsword.
>Iz gonna loot it good!
>Be Fessus
>Watch The Living Saint go down
>Watch Decarus charge over to his girlfriend like the moron he is
>Watch him try and take on a Space Marine at least three times his size and suffer the consequences
>Dammit dammit DAMMIT!
>At least that Chaos Marine got was coming to him
>Decarus’s little act of Martyrdom galvanized the Bishop’s boys to follow right behind
>started a whole charge even.
>Between Phil and The Bishop’s speeches and Decarus’s little stunt, the Ecclesiarchy nutjobs are in a state of frenzy ready to tear up anything in their way
>Good, that’ll buy us some time
>Tell one of the Guardsman to go get us a medic
>I don’t care who or from where, I don’t care if you have to drag them here yourself just get someone
>Rush forward while the Khornates and Orkz are being pushed back
>Phil is still yelling with a chainsword in hand
>Shut you’re fucking mouth Phil, he is not going to die
>Not on my watch
>the Living Saint seems to be getting better
>good, tell her to help me get Decarus back behind the Barricades
>Dammit Decarus she can come back, you can’t!
>why would you do something so stupid?!
>And If you say for love I’m gonna smake you upside the head!
>Be us, Fra'Shakereti
>Be God of machine and metal, Reaver Class Titan
>Be also Fractallikon, bound daemon caged within Titan frame.
>Be also the minds of each mortal fed to my boiling hot hearts.
>Be marching upon the plains of another doomed world.
>Feel the summons of battle, the lust for war, the desire to FUCKING FLAY THESE GODDAMN MORTALS THAT DARED TO CHAIN ME.
>Thrash against bonds, rear cockpit up to the skies.
>Metal tears, furnace burns hot, as I roar.
>Level colossal cannon towards the city.
>Used to be a volcano cannon.
>Dark Mech adapted it to instead shoot out a super heated ball of boiling blood, charged with the souls of the lost and the damned.
>It gets the job done though.
>Fire it off, watch the roiling ball of warp fuckery land down upon a section of hab blocks.
>Stone burns, people scream, heat is charged with an unnatural might.
>Atleast this job has some pleasures for us.
>Get chill.....
>We have never felt a chill in all our endless existence.
>Turn sensors up into the skies.
>Giants are coming.
>This is going to get more interesting.
>Be 'Umie McUmieton.
>Be drivin Dah SneekyBooma.
>Dat wot Iz callin dis 'ere beaut.
>'Ear 'umie orders ta get out and foit.
>'Umie's iz puny.
>Bosses needz ta be strong.
>Turn me kannon.
>Spotz da fuel lines.
>Iz splody notdrink wata.
>'Umies don't know wot 'it dem.
>Splodies all around.
>'Umie tanks in 'ere, all krumped.
>Counts lotsa wrecked 'umie vehicles.
>Splodies spreading, fuel lines all burnin now.
>Wonder how far it goes, 'ow many umies iz gonna burn in me mukkin wiff dere planz.
>Zog em.
>No Finga O'Mork.
>No Tanks fer 'Umies.
>Take Da SneekyBooma.
>Toim ta get back to da foit.
>Some 'umie tanks already out, needz ta mop 'em up.
>be me, kalabite Drazan
>Be taking cover in some rubble
>Orks, chaos, and the wytches seem to have fallen back
>The mon'keigh seem to relax a bit
>One looks like he is going to give a speech
>However a scourge mon'keigh is wounded and grounded
>Quickly scale the side of the building
>Not too hard because of all the bullet holes
>Spy the wytches and succubus sitting in the third floor of a half wrecked building
>Wave and signal
>Tell them my plan
>Ask succubus permission
>She stammers and approves
>Operation : Kick while they're down is a go
>Reach the roof
>See the raider, lodged in the thing good
>Slide down the deck to the main gun
>the dark Lance looks operational
>Still has power
>Slowly aim the gun towards the winged mon'keigh
>The targeter is right fucked
>Gonna have to eyeball this shot
>Slowly, line up the target
>I pull the trigger, just as the preacher cuts his communication

But nothing on this Gods forsaken planet is that easy.

>Be Princeps Majoris Mannerheim
>See... a fucking blood cannon being used on the city?
>Okay that's actually kind of awesome, but also, we're supposed to be protecting this place.
>And we look to be the only Titan Legion in town
>Man I don't know why I hear all these guard guys I meet bitching about war
>This is fucking awesome
>I guess if you don't have a giant robot its not quite the same
>They need to make their Sentinels bigger I guess.
>Engage my weapons as I lead the charge towards these traitors
>Start shooting but you know, what the fuck, we might as well enjoy ourselves
>Order charge to melee range
>Crank that shit up Moderati
>Kick some traitor tanks on the way there
>Fuck I love my job.
>Be we, Fra'Shakereti
>Enemy titans are approaching.
>Titans are mighty, but we are beyond them.
>Enemy war horns blare.
>Our kin answers with daemonic roars.
>And then raise our weaponry.
>Line of Neverborn Titans fire volley of weaponry.
>Loyalists are eager to charge into melee.
>They don't anticipate us using our gun line to shoot them down like dogs.
>Goreshower Cannon is charging up, feel our molten metal blood boiling.
>Enable Bloodstorm mode.
>Within our depths, slaves taken from a thousand worlds are thrown into our furnaces.
>Previous mode of fire was like a blood filled water balloon.
>This is more like a fire hose.
>Of gore.
>That's boiling.
>Molten really.
>The Blood God Provides.
>Lets see the Giant's paint melt.
>Be Assault Marine Subducus
>Brother Furantus has managed to get us close to the Enemy Titan
>Operation White Elephant is a go
>Assualt squads jump up on to leg as stealthily as possible
>We are prepared to take as many gifts as possible.
>But, staying true we shall not leaves our gift givers emptyhandes
>We shall be leaving them exactly the gifts these heretics deserve.
>Be Future Commissar
>This time we end up shooting Dark Eldar because they probably wanted to get in on the action
>During the battle we are finally able to get into contact with the bishop though he doesn't hang out for long since he wants to "seal his marriage for the Emperor"
>Normally I would complain about him having sex in the middle of a warzone but having cooperation with zealous peasant forces being equipped by Blood Ravens is better then nothing
>Give new instructions that the entire city is to be cleared out and defenses prepped to fight the incoming waves
>On the way out of the Cathedral notice that a fucking Titan Legion is engaging the Chaos Titan at Melee combat because why not
>Well with the Titan problem taken care of for know we still need to get this city cleared of Orks and Herectis
>Especially the weird ones who are dressed in suits and ties
>Suddenly some large ass space marines with some skull masks drop out of the sky and start shouting and shooting everything accompanied by drop pods
>With that two birds were killed with one stone with the Marines being able to clear out the city and said Marines also containing Imperial Fists
>Best part is I got to watch all of this from my baneblade while shooting down just about anything that the Emperor despises
>I love this job
>Be Fra'Shakereti
>We feel the parasites upon us.
>They and their putrid feets.
>They seek to hurt us.
>We sense them.
>We feel them.
>We know them.
>We hate them.
>They attach bombs to our hide.
>Our blood beats with the rage of dying stars.
>They want to steal from us?
>We'll give them something worthy stealing.
>Tendrils move, seeking out marines.
>Heard there was a wedding going on in this target city.
>Probably some foolish mortal consummating their union.
>Pull bound marines in tight against my burning, boiling, metal plating.
>Tighter, TIGHTER!
>Those mortals won't be the only ones consummating their union.
>We are many.
>And the more the merrier.
>Be Assault Marine Subducos
“Seargant, This Daemonic engine seems to have some sort of inbuilt Daemonic defenses!”
>We can fight them off with our chainswords
>But it will significantly slow down this mission
>That is time this city may not have!
>Spot Imperial Titan making Approach
>Hopefully they may be able to busy this Titan long enough for us to finish our work.

>Be Princeps Nikolayevna
>Be driving my Warhound
>Oh fuck that moron Mannerheim is just doing that... thing again
>Thank the Emperor that the Space Marines are doing a drop on these traitor titans
>Uh but this doesn't look to be going to well
>At least Mannerheim looks to be able to recover some
>Time for me to bail out his dumb ass again
>Titan Flanking Time
>Mannerheim is still pushing forwards, so I get the Warhounds and scouts to finish our movement behing this chaos titans
>Proceed to start firing on their rear armor
>Insert buttrape joke here, lol
>Legio Nivalis for ever motherfuckers
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>Be we, Fra'Shakereti
>It's adorable.
>The little marines, they are trying to resist.
>Afriad we can't allow that.
>Tendrils spawned from defunct cabling, rotting ichor, and steel wiring, continues to flood towards them.
>Chainswords can only be so many places at once.
>Other Titans are still coming, but my GoreShower cannon is still running, I can afford this little pleasure.
>Come here little mortals.
>Time to take your temperature.
>Be Assault Marine Subducos
>Manage to plant half of the bombs
>But the tendrils have brought us down to half strength
>Many have fallen, but we cannot give up
>Enemy Titan is ignoring the Imperial Titan coming towards it and is turning it’s bloodshower cannon towards us
>”Abort Abort!”
>some of this bombs were redundant anyways
>most of My Marines Jump off in time but some still get caught in the blast
>thier deaths shall not be in vain
>detonate Meltabombs before it can wash them off
>Leg is damaged but still standing
>Looks like it’s up to the Titan to finish the Job.
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>be Canoness
>everything is on fire
>that's okay though
>hardly the first time
>Baneblade is wedged into the cathedral, blocking the main entrance
>Mantle Sisters are clipping any Orks that try to come around the sides
>Black Sepulchre Repentias have climbed on top of the tank, chain-spearing the ones that try to climb over
>hope the tank crew doesn't get distracted looking up their dresses
>Guardsmen can be like that
>the entranceway collapsed but the walls of the cathedral are built to Sororitas standards
>they're holding
>not sure what happened to Saint Brigitte but we don't need her with this defensive position
>we'll hold out until...
>where is the fucking Bishop
>Olga had one fucking job
>climb on top of the tank myself
>keep behind the turret and empty my storm bolter into the crowd of Orks and heretic infantry fighting us and each other
>can see the upper portion of the Chaos Titan several streets over
>Purple Stars Scouts report the Ork Gargant entering the city on the either side
>Imperial Warhounds are engaging both
>hop down and start running
>throw little Sister Lydia over my shoulder
>knew parking the tuned-up Repressor deeper in the church would come in handy
>Emperor willing we can repeat that business with the Necrons
>put her in the driver's seat
>drive bitch
>Be Norn-Queen Becky
>Operation Sisters for Lunch is a go
>I'm really fucking ready for this one
>Its just not Mawlocs and Raveners any more, I've got some huge burrowing biotitans ready to roll
>So adorable
>They are on route when suddenly they go off target
>Oh come on
>There are some massive vibrations or something
>My burrowing biotitans burst out of the ground near where some massive mechanical machines
>Some of them are apparently covered in blood or something
>My biotitans start grabbing onto these and licking off the boiling blood
>They seem to like the spiciness
>Its sort of cute but wasn't really my plan
>Okay back to the drawing board.
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>Be we, Fra'Shakereti
>Feel the burn.
>Wait no those are the meltas.
>Blasted mortals.
>Release booming roar of frustration.
>See their forms fleeing the battle.
>We shall claim their souls in time.
>Yet, as our void shields continue to buzz, our attention returns to the titans around us.
>Snarling of guns begin to sound out.
>Sounds of tearing metal.
>They wished to come into close combat.
>Pull tendrils back, releasing corpses of now dead blood ravens.
>They connect, join, amalgamate.
>Armoured form is shifting.
>Cries of neverborn screaming.
>So joyous.
>Arms begin sprouting.
>So many.
>Fusion of flesh, daemonic energy, and metal.
>Colossal tentacles of bloodshed.
>Let the Titans come.
>Our knee aches, but the heat is our ally, and the damage will mend.
>Only The Frost Giants may dare to challenge us.
>Charge the Shields.
>Let our lesser kin handle the whimpering war hounds.
>Fire The GoreShower Cannon.
>Fire The secondary skull blasters.
>Be me, Governors Whore of a Daughter
>Babe holds his grant speech, the righteous warriors of faith are driven into a frenzy and their warcrys overtones even the one of the orks for a moment
>Babe wants to get trough with the full process
>But in the middle of the Battle?
>To be fair I have done in worse moments in worse locations with worse guys before
>Fuck, maybe beneath the buffet table or in one of the tanks there is a nice place for us
>Be Primaris Inceptor, Sergeant Jaren Artorius, Ultramarines Chapter
>Be free falling through the atmosphere of some backwater shithole, alongside three other squads of inceptors, at a rate of several dozen meters per second.
>Am informed by the company captain, that a group of chaos titans are leveling a city, and that the oh so wonderful "gift givers", are attempting to assist with taking them down.
>Apparently they're getting their asses handed to them.
>I'm sadly informed that, due to a variety of reason, we're being diverted to deal with the issue, and assist our gene cousins.
>Know better than to speak up, so I acknowledge the order, and inform the other squads.
>Enough groans to wake the living dead, but I tell them to be quiet.
>Who knows? Maybe if we save the magpies, they'll owe us enough to give us back some of our relics.
>At this point, the twelve of us are glowing red hot, as we streak across the sky, like 1.5 ton meteorites.
>As the heat slowly begins to dissipate from re-entry, I take the chance to lift my blast visor.
>Huh, those bloody magpies actually managed to take one out.
>One down, four to go, it would seem.
>Organise my fellow inceptors to target the nearest titan, and blow right through it. Let gravity and our armor do the real work.
>Anti-aircraft fire from both sides, begin firing at us. Apparently thinking we're fucking missiles or something.
>Before some chaos warlord titan can even tell what's going, twelve Astartes begin firing hundreds of rounds of boiling hot plasma with our plasma exterminators, before ramming directly into it it's half melted hull
>Look on the driver's face must have been priceless, as 12, 1 and a half ton Astartes begin ripping and tearing through millenium old armor and cabling.
>Mfw we killed a titan by plowing into it, like a fat chick through glass
>Be Sister Lydia
>Be smol, yeah, I get it
>Least I'm not a fatass
>Be picked up by the Canoness
>Have horrible Schola flashbacks
>Be Taken to Repressor
>Sister Hanna is already inside
>Bitch were you just hiding in here?
>A lot of sisters pile into the back of the Repressor
>Charlotte and Terese are somehow alive, as is some other sisters like Diana
>Please don't let Olga be alive
>Olga is alive, though missing her pants it looks like
>Fuck I don't know how fast the Repressor will go with her inside
>Can we like throw like five sisters out to get the weight normal again please?
>Oh well, too late
>Gun it as hard as I can, which makes it sort of difficult for all the sisters who are trying to get changed into their armor in the back
>Oh well, deal with it bitches.
>Smash out through wall
>Drive through an alleyway
>No place for the orks, grots and heretics to run now
>Hanna makes sure to aim for their legs which makes it easier to run them over as they lay screaming on the ground
>Pretty awesome.
>Scream out into the city
>No idea where we're going but I'll just drive wherever Crazy Eyes screams at me to go
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>Be me, Enkhyronic Agony
>Warlord Titan, empowered by The Ruinous Four.
>Feel heat on my hull.
>Turn attention towards incoming marines.
>Plasma aches me.
>Little cunts.
>They want a dynamic entry.
>Cockpit peels open.
>It's a mouth.
>Welcome the incoming loyalists.
>Clamp mouth shut.
>Hope they enjoy the Immaterium digestion coming their way.
>Tasted kind of nice.
>get back to work.

>Be Princeps Mannerheim
>What the fuck is even going on anymore
>Are those chaos demons or fucking Tyranids
>Whatever they are, looks like they're trying to have sex with the Chaos Titants
>Must purge this from my mind
>At least we're not getting shot
>This is probably our best chance
>Press in again, enjoy feeling the heat on my skin. The Titan's skin again
>If this Titan had a cock it would be massively erect.
>Attack one of the Chaos Titans with my fucking huge rad chainblade
>Actually end up doing more damage to the Tyranid thing that's licking it
>Whatever, fine by me, maybe these things have acid blood
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>Be me, 'Umie McUmieton
>Iz 'avin a good toim.
>Dis iz great
>Da SneekyBooma iz a great trukk.
>Dis 'ere iz orky.
>See 'umie trukk.
>Shootin da boyz
>Squishin dem unda da trukk
>Dat roit funny dat iz.
>But 'umie need ta learn.
>Orks is da winnas.
>Fire looted shadowshow payload at sister repressor.
>'Umies already smashed cover, trying to krump the boyz, no place to 'ide.
>SneekyBooma gonna krump ya!
>Be we, Fra'Shakereti.
>Be in the middle of a glorious deathmatch.
>Scream at the xeno.
>Shout at the xeno.
>Beg the xeno.
>We just want our death match.
>Ice Titan vs. Fire God.
>Is that too much to ask?
>Be Inceptor, Sergeant Jaren Artorius. Ultramarine successor chapter.
>Fucking titan just swallowed us whole at the last minute!
>No problem! We'll just have to become the holy laxative of the Emperor's divine bowel movement.
>Does that count as heresy? Not sure. I'll just have to ask the older brothers when we get back.
>As the Titan's mouth closes, we all supercharge our plasma exterminators, and open fire. Allowing us to plow our way down its throat, and through its stomach.
>Watch in utter astonishment, as we rip and tear our way through the warlord titan. Melting and shooting our way out, until we soon enough come out this titan's equivalent of a newly minted puckered asshole.
>Be Marcus
>Watch as the entire denfese just devolves into a bloody Clusterfuck due to Decarus’s charge
>Kinda Nostalgic
>At least we seem to be sorta winning this cluster fuck.
>Been firing this Plasma gun so long it’s overheated
>Thanks the Emperor for Carapace armor
>Look begins me on Roof when speakers start speaking
>Notice one of the bloody Edgy Eldar fucks is up there
>he’s aiming down where Decarus is
>shit, shit, he’s gonna finish him off!
>Can’t Fire My fun cause it’s overheated
>Can’t reach a frag that far
>Maybe I don’t need to
>Pull a page from Lloyd’s book
>grab a Flashbang, and chuck it as high up as I can
>hope my throwing arm’s still as good as it use to be.
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>Be me, Kaldor Draigo.
>Supreme Grandmaster of The Grey Knights.
>Champion of a Thousand Battles.
>Slayer of Uncountable Daemons.
>Walker of The Immaterium.
>Very lonely.
>Feel a rumbling in my immaterial domain.
>Look into the sky.
>See a very puckered looking eyeball pop, spit out some marines.
>Rush over to greet them.
>Maybe I can finally have some company.
>I really hope this isn't the Warp Dust hitting me.....
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>Be Sister Lydia
>Nearly get fucking obliterated by a massive shell out of somewhere
>Who the fuck
>Look and see an Imperial - no wait - Ork Tank is trying to take out our Repressor
>If I get ambushed and blown up by an Ork, Konnie is going to fucking kill me
>But the Ork tank is in the middle of the only road out of this fucking death trap
>Slam on the brakes to turn around
>Only fucking one way out of this.
>Speed up towards Ork Tank
>As we close in it gets harder for the Orks to shoot
>They are already pretty shit at accuracy
>Swerve left and right to avoid getting that main cannon pointed at us
>Drive right at the front of the tank
>They have some dozer blades on front
>Gun it
>Drive on top and over Ork Tanks
>Satisfying screaming noise as any Ork sticking out of the hatches get sliced in half or crushed
>Keep going
>Drive on top of tank - pause at the top as we loose steam, then gun it and drive down the back of the tank
>Holy shit that actually worked
>I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing
>Just fucking gun it out of the central square to the battle lines
>Be Sargent Thorn
>My Squad and the rest of the Imperial Fist forces land in the middle of the city
>Everything is a nothing but an orgy of violence
>On top of the Orks, Sisters, zealots, Guard, heretics, and nids, some Dark Eldar raiders decided to join in on the fun
>Squad mate just causally states "This will be a proper battle when the Necrons and Eldar arrive"
>As if by some curse from the Ruinous powers Necrons suddenly pop out of no where and I even see some Harlequins in the distance
>It only get worse when I look at in the distance were I witness a group of Interceptors crash head first into an enemy titan while another titan is getting fucking licked by some large ass Nid while an allied one is trying to engage it in Melee
>Then I see two versions of the same Commissar leading the Guard on a baneblade blasting some sort of music which I believe came from some band called Sabaton while telling the men to keep fighting
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>Be 'Umie McUmieton
>Iz left da Sneeky Booma
>'Umie tried ta git away
>Kleva 'umie.
>But Iz kommando.
>Iz kleva'era
>Be gripping bottom of repressa
>Be 'olding me big bomb squig.
>Pet me gurl
>We'z gonna finish dis
>Iz neva fail me missun
>Be Inceptor Sergeant Jaren Artorius, Ultramarine successor chapter.
>Fucking hell, it's no wonder our chapter despises chaos so much! This is bullshit!
>Mfw instead of hitting the ground on the shithole of a planet, we've instead opened up a gaping new asshole, leading into the immaterium.
>Pretty sure that's titan shit coming out of the hole...
>That's still not even the craziest part!
>Mfw we land in almost (thanks damion!) perfect unison, next to what HAS to be, Kaldor Drago!
>Ask him if he knows any way back to the shitty former iceworld we were once on.
>Be me, Draigo
>Be three Draigos actually.
>But each of them is hiding inside another Draigo.
>Be still very lonely.
>They immediately ask about how to leave.
>Think for a minute.
>Think for another minute.
>Think for as many minutes as I reasonably can.
>But this is the immaterium, and reason takes a day off here.
>Look up.
>Feel like a thousand years have passed.
>Check HUD
>It's actually two seconds ago.
"Yes....I know a way back...."
>Tell them to follow me.
>Atleast we can hang out for a bit.
>Be Fessus
>Be fighting in what is once again, a complete and utter Clusterfuck of a hellhole with everything and Everyone, and having no idea what is going on.
>why even bother leaving the Guard
>At least Decarus is stable
>he got evaced via Living Saint
>once we told her what had happened she just scooped him up and said she was going to get help before flying away
>She seemed a little Ditzy and naive to be a Bolter bitch to be honest, especially on of those Ermine mantle Bitches
>the thought occurs to me that she might be THEIR Decarus
>Be Sergeant Jaren Artorius.
>Due to the fact that literal shit, is continuously falling down from the sky where that puckered asshole is. My men and I are forced to use our jetpacks to carry Drago in the direction of the nearest way out.
>Feels like we've been walking and flying for about an hour now...
>He constantly asks each of us strange questions, or tells shitty jokes.
"have you ever defeated a waffle with arms for legs?", "What's the square root of ham sandwiches!", And, this one is my favourite, "How many despoilar's does it take to ruin Cadia's day?"
>Be Salamander's kind, as we attempt to answer him, until he finally leads us to the exit.
>Ask him if he wants to come and slay daemons with us in the real world.
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>Be Kaldor
>be leading these marines.
>They've been nice enough.
>Point them onwards towards portal.
>They ask if I want to come with.
>I shake head.
"No, I'm sure we will meet again."
>Wave goodbye.
>Need to hold back a smile.
>That temporal loop is going to send then back ten seconds.
>Right before they leave.
>No memory
>Do it again.
>And again
>And again.
>Can finally have some company for a while.
>Is that so wrong?
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>be Canoness
>knew some of those Repressor modifications would come in handy
>lowered the suspension
>removed the dozer blade
>shaved off all the excess weight except for Olga
>had a Promethium turbine from an Avenger converted and dropped in
>tech heresy, what's that?
>plowing through Orks and heretics
>firing storm bolter from the open hatch
>wind blowing my hair
>scarf flowing in the wind
>got to admit, I missed this
>yell for Sister Lydia
>point down the streets to the rising smoke from where the Ork Gargant is pushing through the Guard
>point at the nearby Chaos Titan beating down a Hierophant
>better they fight each other than ours
>tell her to get it to chase us
>Be me, Jaren Artorius, Inceptor marine.
>Finally make it to the portal our, and ask if draigo wishes to come with us
"no, I'm sure we will meet again."
>Kaldor draigo, doesn't wish to come with us?
>Pah! That's bullshit man! You've got to come with us! The Grey Knights will totally owe us for bringing you with us!
>Forcefully drag him along with us. 12v1. He totally goes in.
>...mfw he pops back out where he was, ten seconds before hand.
"-Sure we will meet again."
>Wtf...? Did we just clone Kaldor Draigo?
>Look back at my brothers. All of us are confused as fuck.
>He asks if we're alright.
>Daimon and Praivius push him back in.
>Mfw he pops right back into place again.
>We keep pushing him in.
>It always ends up the same way.
>Mfw we realised the bastard had tried to trick us!
>He asked if something is wrong.
>We tell him that we don't actually want to use the portal. Tell him it probably leads to slannesh's hand-holding room.
>Mfw this man is truly insane!
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>Be Draigo
>Be now ten Draigos
>It seems my ruse cruise has been discovered.
>They don't want to use the portal.
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>Be Sister Lydia
>Be glad I am smol so I balance out Olga's thicc
>Konnie is shouting at me
>Hahahaha this sounds crazy
>Okay lets do it sure
>Chaos Titans and Tyranids are fighting each other, time to get the orks in on this
>Drive right towards the Ork lines then execute Chogoris Drift time when we get close
>Get the Laud Hailers blaring as loud as possible
>They notice
>Suddenly Gargants are chasing us
>And Stompas
>And all other sorts of stompy Ork things
>Get other Sister armored vehicles to pull in
>Repressors and Immolators everywhere
>Veer off and the Orks keep going, right into the Chaos forces
>Hahaha didn't think this would work
>Suddenly everything starts shaking
>The fuck
>Have a very bad feeling - like there is something very powerful out there and it hates me specifically
>Suddenly the earth erupts behind us and our armored column is being chased by a ton of huge Tyranid creatures
>See Sister Judith's Repressor get grabbed by one which rips the top off and starts stuffing Sisters down its throat
>God its horrifying
>Its like watching Olga get her hands on a box of donuts
>I always told Judith she needed to figure out how gears worked on these things, dumb bitch
>Okay thats kind of mean, she's probably not even done being digested yet, I'll give it a day
>Set this Repressor to go as fast as possible
>Fuck why are they still chasing us
>Fuck I hate tyranids
>Where the fuck did my life go wrong
Is there some rule about needing time travel duplicates near the end of every thread?
fucking Kek! You piece of shit!
>Be me, sergeant Jaren Artorius, Inceptor.
>Fucking draigo is insane! Fucker has been following us for an hour and a half, after we told him we'd find another way out.
>He keeps spouting on, and on, about wanting to kill sheep and Protestants, and reconcour Jerusalem!
>Eventually, after what feels like half a century , we find some fucking daemon about to go through some sort of portal.
>Realise that the portal seems to go back to our shitshow of battle.
>Look at my brothers, and then back to draigo, before looking once again back at the portal.
>On my que, my brothers pick up draigo, and we charge the daemon with full thrust from our packs.
>It feels like all of us are squished together and form a new person.
>See what looks like some feral worlders.
>Finally unfuse, and popback into reality, as we tear through some chaos champion's chest.
>Mfw we're surrounded by Kaldor Draigo, two squads of chaos marines, and a bunch of angry peasants led by the bishop!
Duplicates are just a figment of Draigo's fractured mind.
I'm just ignoring it this time.
>Be Commissar (original edition)
>The whole situation just somehow keeps degrading downhill
>The city turned into what the planet was like a couple months ago with about any faction you can think of fighting in the streets
>Even the Eversors we were looking for have suddenly come back just to satisfy their murder fetish
>To bad they aren't attempting to climb the giant Ork warmachine fucking everybody over
>By this point we are all desperate to get rid of it since the loyal Titan Legions are to busy trying to melee the Chaos and Nid ones and the Navy is to busy fighting whatever shit just popped up in the void
>Only real solution we have is to find some way of collapsing parts of the city on forcing the damn thing to get stuck underground
>Problem is though the area to the underground is flooded with Necrons and some Nids fighting each other and the Baneblade is to bid to fit
>Suddenly notice some repressor in the distance
>Also notice that it belongs to the crazy bitchs and its going at unusually high speeds
>Future self then informs me said repressors has enough fire powers for the plan to work
>Contact Canoness leading this group of bitches and inform her of the plan
>Emperor I hope she goes along with it.
Don't look at me. All I wanted to do, was to tear through a titan with Inceptor marines
>Be Fessus
>This Clusterfuck has gotten even worse
>Nidz and Crons have shown up for some reason
>Shit I hope those aren’t the Cronz that Commander Morgensen was talking about
>What a bad time to have Blood Raven painted Armor
>Try to keep momentum from the charge
>It’s hell, but then again, that’s nothing new.
>Don’t exactly know where to charge to though,
>Hear from some vox that there was a tank depot
>Maybe something is salvageable there
>Somehow ended up leading this tag tag force of Guardsmen, Crusaders, and even a few odd lookin sisters
>Everyone else is Apparantly busy dealing with more important problems
>and Apparantly we knew ole we somewhat knew what we’re doing
>Fuck now I’m nervous
>Get to Tank Depot
>They’re all slagged to hell
>Well that’s fucking great, of course life never works with me
>Marcus coughs loudly
>oh Right
>Marcus if you can get even one of these working i’ll Buy three whole rounds the next time we get to a bar!
>Be me, Kalabite Drazar
>aiming dark lance at Mon'keigh
>one of them throws a grenade
>it explodes short, but is bright as hell
>thanks to living in the perpetual night club that is commorragh, it's hardly a problem
>miss anyways because eyballying it is as unreliable as a haemunculus offering "free organs"
>it just punches a hole through some unlucky space marine who was near by
>looked important too
>had that overly bulky armor that the captains usually wear
>not my target but I'll take it
>Quickly run to the back of the raider and try and back it up
>throttle the shit out of it and I go rocketing away
>get it under control and zoom to the wytches and succubus for a pick up
>Be me, Sergeant Jaren Artorius, Inceptor for an Ultramarine successor chapter.
>After waving Kaldor Draigo to play with his new "friends". My men and I began jump packing through the frontlines, and towards what we had hoped was some form of actual unit coherency at the near by tank depot.
>On the way there, we spot what appear to be blood Raven scouts. New ones at that.
>Fucking magpies owe us for sending us through Abbadon the despoiler's fucking rectum!
>Arrive, and find out it's just a bunch of normal guardsmen, who are painted up to be blood Raven scouts.
>Fuck! Not sure if it's better, or worse.
>Want to leave them, but took a chapter oath to protect people like them.
>Besides. They stole blood Raven "gifts". They can't be that bad
>Decide to help them out, as we jump pack within their sight like.
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>be Canoness
>heading up Sororitas convoy
>turbine engines whining even louder than whatever Guardsmen over the vox
>Immolators form up into a flying wedge
>Black Sepulchre Sisters in fancy black hearses, Repentias clinging to the roofs
>Golden Light vaqueras on horse-shaped motorcycles darting in between
>the God-Emperor rewards nothing if not dedication to aesthetic
>take the corner harder than Sister Charlotte
>two Hierophants scrambling in pursuit
>the Ork Gargant scraping from wall to wall
>more Tyranids clinging to it, trying to claw their way inside
>sail straight between the Chaos Titan's legs
>damn, should've saved the Sister Charlotte crack
>a couple of the Sepulchre hearses get crushed under a massive foot
>doesn't matter they were "already dead"
>turn around and watch the Gargant smash into the traitor Titan at full speed
>it's shorter, hits at about waist level
>Titan doubles over off-balance
>tips over onto the street
>button the Repressor hatch to avoid getting the oncoming dust cloud in my hair
>Be Marcus
>These tanks were pretty screwed up by by Kludging what Working parts they al had left managed to make three working Leman Russes between them
>enough to fit all of us conveniently
>Don’t know homany of us can actually drive it, but we’ll learn
>Suddenly this Big Ass Spacemarines some over and start Chewing out Fessus for some reason
>Halfway through their rant they stop and realize that we aren’t actually BloodRaven scouts
>Apparantly they think we just stole their armor, which puts us in their good books
>Ask is what our Plan and current objective is.
>we ain’t got either of us
>Suggest we follow them and act as support
>sounds good enough to me.
>Better to have actually Marines leading the way than Fessus and his Hit or miss ideas.
>Sergeant Jaren Artorius. Inceptor Marine.
>Once the these soldiers have gotten their tank up and running, we decide to head east towards the main city.
>Their tank is sputtering out more smoke than should physically be possible...
>You took an oath, Jaren! You can't leave them here!
>Eventually, after fighting through a horde of tyranids, whom were fighting the wrist that chaos had to offer. We make it to the end of the city.
>About time, god dammit! We were suppose to be here an hour ago!
>Be Jaren Artorius, sergeant for an Inceptor squad.
>Be leading a group of 11 other inceptors, as well as a tank full of human soldiers.
>We manage to make it to the edge of the city, but things are just looking worse, and worse.
>Apparently, the leader of the soldiers, Marcus, says this shithole was a whole lot worse, three months ago.
>The amount of things we've had to kill, has toppled out into the early thousands, just to get to this spot. And there still isn't a fucking friendly unit in sight! Wonder if we're ever go get these regular Joe's, to safety.
>That's when I hear it...
>It's the sound of a chaos titan... And it's... Falling?
>Some sisters of battle just fucking toppled the damn thing over! Fucking hell!
>And we were just sitting here, in our metalic orange armor, wearing our metalic orange helmets with sapphire blue lenses...
>I'm Brigitte
>Pretty sure I died again
>The Emperor didn't exactly give me an instruction manual or anything
>I really hope I'm not counting down my lives like a cat or something
>I should remember to ask if there's a Saint equivalent of a 1-Up like in Ultramario World
>Some Guardsmen wake me up
>There's a dead Evil Marine there
>That nice medic from before is there but he's unconscious, he looks hurt
>Poor guy
>I say a blessing to the Guardsmen and take off after testing my wings out
>Canoness Konnie is gonna be upset, I've barely killed more than a hundred Orks
>Living Saints are supposed to do better
>I need to do better
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>Be me, Gutthurian "The Gut" Ortylux a proud Berzerker of the Sanctified
>And these appetizers are fantastic.
>Chewing up a tiny little ork who was tucked inside a big oil' can
>Someone suggests giving Ork-Arms one of its arms as a replacement, but he says it's too small
>As we finish clearing out the trenches, big screens throughout the city come to life.
>Some adorable little priest with an open shirt and no muscle definition is giving a speech.
>As wedding toasts go, it's not terrible. Really like the message about cooperation that he's pushing. I did notice that a lot of the guys we had been killing didn't seem to have a lot of team spirit.
>Ork-Arms sees something that gets him really excited though.
>The little priest has a huge bionic arm.
>Figure it'll make a fun trophy, so we start heading for the Cathedral
>Besides, I wouldn't crash a wedding without eating the happy couple.
>Be Marcus
>Be Driving This Leman Russ
>It’s pretty sweet
>No more footsloggin
>We’re riding in style now
>Dring this thing isn’t actually so bad after all
>Although we do have a few false starts and accidental Wall turns
>But I can blame that on the state of this thing
>Also, Apparantly the Space Marines think I’m the leader
>Guess of just got those leadership qualities
>Fessus is pretty Salty about it, but it’s not like he’s technically a real sergeant anyways.
>Lloyd and Phil arguing about who gets to ride out of the Hatch,
>Phil says he ought to because he has the sword
>Lloyd saws he ought to becuase he was the one stavilised and bandaged Decarus
>Fessus tells them no one gets to ride out the Hatch becuase it’s an awful idea
>I wonder where that Living Saint took Decarus anyways
>I hope he’s alright
>Also Bloody Hell is that Chaos Titan falling gold on the city?!
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>Be me, Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>And after spending some time in the office fulfilling the will of the emperor, everything seems much clearer.
>The Ecclesiarchal Armory was near my broadcasting room, and since this was likely our last stand in defense of this planet.
>Open the stocks, fully equipping my honor guard and all of the under-armed holy warriors we had brought with us.
>Obviously, save the best stuff for my bride and I as befits our elevated station as the chosen of The Emperor.
>Don my armor, robes, rosarius, and a collection of specially sanctified purity seals.
>Decide to leave the flamer to someone else, opting for a more traditional outfit on my wedding day. Bolter on one hip, holy scripture on the other, and a holy Evicerator.
>Find out that our vehicles have been destroyed, which must mean the Emperor wants me on foot.
>When we reach the chapel, I find out why. There are traitor guardsmen swarming the place, just like the ones that took my arm.
>But there's something else I haven't see before.
>Heretic marines.
>The spikes make them look so much bigger.
>And their eyes are locked on me.
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>Be me, Bishops Bride
>Get that Sweat and other Fluids off and some neat armor on
>Get a Energysword and Antique Boltpistol
>Try to remember everything I learned about Duells and what those perfectionfags at the cult did
>Anyway, the fuggen sword goes trough metal like warpdust to my fathers nose
>Get ready with babe and his honour guard, he looks like a high rank konfessor, ready for some purging action
>See the Heretics
>So, which one of you bitches wanna lay hands on my man?
>Be me, Jaren Artorius, sergeant Inceptor.
>Order my marines, as well as the newly minted "tankers" of Marcus, to open fire upon the downed heretic Titan, as well the nearby gargents, in an effort to assist the sisters of battle.
>When the fighting is done, my men and I regroup with the sisters of battle, in an effort to meet with their leader
>Emperor please let them be more sane than draigo...
>Meet with their leader, a Canoness with bionic eyes, and a sweet looking scarf.
>They tell me they are the sisters of the ermine mantle.
>Turns out that all of them wear some form of scarf or cape.
>Introduce myself, and tell them we are here to led them our aid.
>As we're talking, I notice one of the sisters is gazing at me at my men, with this strange, almost hungry look to her eyes. Almost as if she were trying to devour us in some way with her eyes alone.
>She's a bit bulkier than the others. Mostly muscle from the look of things. Looks like she can handle that heavy bolter she's wielding pretty well
>Bet she could handle a hoe, as well...
>All in all, 9/10. I'd give her higher marks, but her hair is a little too short for my tastes.
>All in all, she's really damn cute. Ihencez I make a mental note to ask the Canoness her name, when things are a little less crazy.
>Be Decarus
>Be...Alive surprisingly
>feel awful though
>wake up in a bed in a relatively sterile white room
>It’s rather peaceful actually
>or at least it would be if I count still hear The sounds of Distant battle
>actually now that I think about it, it kind of looks like a hospital room
>A Hospitaleer walks in and sees me
“Oh good, you’re alive, just wanted to check if you had bit it and we could
Give the room to someone else
>she says it so nonchalantly too
>Before I can even ask her anything she starts talking
“Yes, you are Alive. Yes, you are in an Imperial hospital. Yes, it is safe, it has been reclaimed and fortified, and is as safe as you can get. You were brought here by, let’s see, here, Oh a living saint, how lucky! And No, she is not still here she went back to continue fighting after dropping you off. That concludes our FAQ for the previously unconscious, do you have any other questions?”
>No actually that pretty much answered them all.
“Then i’ll Be leaving for now. Dinner will be coming if we’re all still alive for Supper, try to ignore the sounds of battle outside and get some rest.”
>And with that she leaves
>Well, that was concise
>She’s probably had to do it a lot,
>Feel kind of Disappointed Brigitte wasn’t there when I woke
>I mean, yeah I guess there is a war going on outside but...
>I don’t know
>I guess I should just be glad she saved my life
>I guess I owe her again now
>Maybe I could take here out to eat after this is all over
>I remember her saying she liked Tallarn food
>maybe there’ll still be some places left...
Jaren has the best taste.
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You know it! He's coming for that booty!
Ps, for those of you whom care or wish to know what their armor looks like, I did paint them. (8 hours a model, and I've got other models as well, if you want better pics.)
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>Be Norn Queen Becky
>My plan to wipe out these catty bitches is not going so well
>Other little meat bags had to distract my admittedly stupid children.
>I'm going to have to get more precise with this
>Contact my biggest biotitan
>Got to strike at the heart
>Aim it at the center of the enemy formation.
Beat me to the punch with a Marine that's into her, and probably did it better then I would.

Space Wolf, if you're curious.
Ultramarine 2nd founding Successor chapter, that doesn't follow the codex, allows their marines to marry, when back on the chapter world, each marine typically runs and tends a farm.
More than 2k marines in the chapter, not including scouts.
I call them, the Broken Shields
Also, thank you for the compliment! I claim Olga in the name of the Broken Shields Chapter!

>Be Sister Lydia
>We have managed to outdrive the Tyranids
>Sisters have gotten their shit together and are firing outside of the firing slits
>Still can't shake this really uncomfortable feeling about these Tyranids
>Everything is shaking again, so speed up in case more of those bugs burst up from underground
>Suddenly the ground is starting to sink everywhere
>Rev the Repressor up a slope that is suddenly appearing
>Hear everyone screaming from the rear.
>Take a glance at the rear camera I had installed
>Oh god what is that
>Oh god I can't drive fast enough up
>Shit its like there's something stuck on the bottom of this Repressor
>I don't want to be the one to say it, but maybe we should really toss Sister Olga out the back
>Argh fuck we're still sliding backwards
>Look up and see a glowing figure with wings on her way
>Oh great, I'm gonna feel like shit if she has to bail us out again
>Tempted to just let us all die.

>Jaren Artorius, Inceptor sergeant for the Broken Shields.
>Whilst talking with the Canoness, see that a giant tyranid bio titan has started coming at us.
>Specifically, it seems to be coming after the sisters...
>Order the tankers to draw it's ire by firing ap rounds at. Hoping that the rounds will tear their way through the heavy chintin.
>Jump pack my way over ontop of one of the repressors as it's going up a hill, firing my plasma exterminators on supercharge the whole time
>Watching the beast cry out, as plasma boils away layer after layer of flesh and muscle from its ugly xeno face.
>My brothers are flying around, doing the same, whilst the tank covers us.
>Trying to make us look heroic as possible for the sisters.
Just a heads up, we'll hit the image limit soon. If we hit 300 posts or 150 images the thread can't be bumped anymore. We can probably finish this chapter in this thread as long as we chill on images.
It's not like we can't do another thread in a day or two
>Rock falls, everyone dies
Let's slow our roll a bit.
Imperials have shrugged off worse.
Yeah, but we can all only keep track of so many existential threats at a time.
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>be Canoness
>unbutton hatch and dust from the building collapses rushes into the Repressor
>hard to see more than ten meters
>fifteen if you happen to have bionic eyes
>the tank is wedged into the front of a building
>the Titan is struggling to get up, like a big metal turtle
>but it's still intact
>think it pancaked the Gargant completely
>hear a Hierophant screaming and the sound of its claws scraping at the ground
>a couple of Order of the Golden Light strike fighters fly in over the street, firing lascannons at things further down
>honestly surprised they don't have hailers playing Dixie or something like that
>a Leman Russ and some golden boy Marines rush up the street and give fire support
>not sure we're actually gonna hurt the Titan though
>and I'm in no mood to try and board the thing
>decide to leave it to the Marines, Sergeant said his name was Jared or something
>order the Sisters to get the Repressor moving
>the ground shakes
>probably should've had Olga stay in the tank
>the struggling Titan starts to sink into the street
>the Commissar had said something about the under-city structure but I was too busy being a badass to get all of it
>the whole width of the street starts rippling in our direction
>oh fuck
>it's got to be, like, the biggest fucking Ravener I've ever heard of
>it's too big to call a Trygon
>it's a fucking Pentagon or something
>gonna bug the fuck out of here
>tell Lydia to gun it
>the tanks start sliding on the distended street
>"Why would you need grappling hooks on a Repressor?"
>who gets the last laugh now, fucking AdMech nerds
>fire anchor lines into the buildings and try to pull our way out
>watch the Leman Russ skidding along the pavement
>see Brigitte's glowing ass coming in through the smoke
>it's about fucking time
>see Brigitte's glowing ass coming in through the smoke

Hot mental image.

Needs drawfagged now
>Be Jaren Artorius
>Whilst fighting the huge ass tryanid bio-titan, the ground begins quaking and shaking.
>The fucking undercity is collapsing!
>Why does this shit always happen to me!
>Notice that the repressor is using some sort of grappling hooks, to keep it atatched to a nearby building
>I quickly activate my jump pack and gravchute, and go underneath the back of the repressor.
>quickly override safeties on the jumpack, and put extra thrust into it.
>Manage to push the repressor along its way onto safer ground, whilst my men hold off "Betsy the bio-titan."
>This oughta win me some points with that heavy bolter wielding sister.
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>Am squig
>Squiggity squig
>Like eat thing
>Have things stuck on me, can't get them off
>Doesn't matter still want eat
>Big green thing has grabbed me
>Want to eat things
>No little green things
>Am upset
>Under moving metal thing
>Thing am stopped
>Delicious things around
>Escape from big green man, want to go find things to eat
>See many pink delicious things. Many in armor
>See one without pants, looks like has most meat, decide to eat her
>Why am hard to move
>Why am rolling backwards
>Things strapped to me are too heavy
>See big mouth in ground
>Must be very big squig
>Why am I sparkling with lights
>Fall in big mouth
>Am Kaboom
>Be future Commissar
>Get to watch as a Gargant is swallowed into the ground as a repressor and some Lemun Russ Tanks are making a mad dash away
>Holy fuck the Sisters actually managed to do it
>Though the area is still crawling with unspeakable horrors and will probably be crawling with Greenskins soon knowing them
>Decided to order a mass artillery strike on the position, especially after some golden light object faeries the sisters away from the general area
What type of ordinance should we use sir
>"Everything, and I mean everything"
>Nothing beats watching an entire area go up in massed explosions to the point where even a Kriegian would be proud.
Which one of you anons took me squig.
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It was the humies! Wasn't me boss!
>Be me, The Gut
>The wedding space is absolutely beautiful, I wish I could have been here to see the ceremony.
>The reception isn't disappointing either. Well, I'm a little upset that there is no living Saint, but I don't like to waste my life pouting when everything is actually pretty great.
>Grinding an ork into the ground with my foot while I pull pieces off a guardsmen I'm hanging in the air.
>I know you're not supposed to play with your food, but I'm taking in the scene.
>My brothers, big and little alike, are tearing up the dance floor and really hitting it off with the other guests.
>They've learned so much. Butchering guardsmen, peasants, and orks through teamwork and straightforward brutality. Killing in large groups, getting that aggression out, is so important for people in my opinion. It's these sorts of fights that really instill a sense of brotherhood in the warband.
>That's when the happy couple walks in along with around 60 bridesmaids and groomsmen. They're all fully equipped with what I assume are gifts from a bunch of very rich and very generous relatives.
>Which I think is great. The open displays of love and generosity are one of the things that makes weddings so magical.

The happy couple! Congratulations on your special day. If you don't mind me saying so, the bride looks absolutely stunning. You're such a cute couple, I feel like I can really see the love you have for each other along with the terror you're feeling. After we kill all your friends, we'll make sure to eat you two alive. That way you have some time to talk to each other about your day, your love, and really share the experience of being ripped apart and devoured.

>Ork-Arms is staring at the little priest's arm, so I toss aside my guardsman and give him a pat on the shoulder.
>Have fun little buddy.
Zoggin 'umies taken turns fer da orks.
>I'm still Brigitte
>I'm flying towards the source giant cloud of smoke
>The Emperor always points me where to go
>Nearly get hit by a couple of Avenger planes going at what's probably like Mach 40
>Not again, please
>I can fly but at, like, "pretty quick pigeon" speed, not space fighter speed
>Hear battle cannon shots
>And Canoness Konnie's loud motherly encouragement of the Sisters
>I'd know that anywhere
>They brought down an Evil Titan without me
>Maybe the Canoness was right, I should've been transferred to one of the smaller Orders
>A really big Tyranid is clawing its way out of the ground under the Titan
>I mean, a really big Tyranid
>And I've seen some big Tyranids
>The Sisters' tank is holding itself up with some cables
>There's a Lemon Russ tank and some of those cars the black-dress Sisters ride around in that aren't as lucky
>I shoot a magic Emperor laser from my sword
>It burns through the section of the street ramping up
>The whole section falls back down flat with a very loud noise
>I see some of the tanks bounce, which they usually aren't supposed to
>Really hope nobody bit their tongue
>I keep going for the big Tyranid
>I killed one of the littler Raveners once, when I was a Sister, back on Gilda's Hope
>Climbed on and stuck my chainsword behind its head where the back and head armor meet
>It saved Sister Katalin
>Pretty sure it's gotta work the same way even if they're really really big, right?
>I dive in with my sword ready
>Pretend it's a lance and I'm riding a pretty flying horse even though it's just me
>I see the Tyranid shift in the rubble and its huge eye look at me
>And then basically everything everywhere explodes
>Be Jaren Artorius. Inceptor Sergeant.
>With the help of a living saint, as well as my men and I, the tankers as well as the sisters, are able to escape the literal jaws of death, right before a massive rain storm of heavy ordinance blasts the fucker back to space Australia.
>Once the sisters are out of harm's way, I make it a personal mission to make sure that everyone (most especially the pantsless, heavy bolter wielding, sister) of battle is alright.
>Take a moment to ask one of the other sisters her name before hand.
>Apparently it's Olga.
>Spend several minutes making sure Olga is alright. Taking the time to remove my helmet, and and talk to her, face to face.
>The entire time, her legs are shaking, and rubbing against themselves.
>Fear that she might be cold.
>Ask her if, after the war is over, she would like to go and get a cup of recaf with me.
>Mfw I'm still waiting a full minute later for her response.
Dude, cool your jets. She's still someone else's character.
You're talking like Draigo isn't going to come looking for his friends.
>Be me, Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>Watching a humongous monster that apparently used to be human rip a man apart with his bare hands.
>While his fellow 7 foot monsters butcher orks and loyal guards, dozens of heretics stare at my bride.
>The chaos marine's voice is horrifying, a booming echo from the warp describes his intention to slowly eat my bride and I alive.
>I take a shot at him with my Bolter, and he doesn't even seem to notice.
>I can't fight that, I don't even know how to fight that. I don't WANT to fight that.
>But I'm not alone. I've got my bride, my followers, and of course The God Emperor of mankind.
>Still I'm not getting anywhere near that thing.
>I command my followers to open fire on the former-marines as the heretic guard runs forward.
>I one-armed guardsmen with a chain sword leads the charge followed by others with axes and mauls. Others open fire, all focused on me, but it is all transformed into flashes of light by the blessings on my rosarius.
>As they fall upon me I dig into one after another with my Evicerator.
>Even as I cut through them, doing my best to block for my bride, I pray to the emperor I don't lose more than another arm.
Guys, we can have a discussion thread after.
Tis only a joke. I'm not actually stupid enough to get into a war about it. It's all cool

but Jaren left him with plenty of ork and chaos friends! He'll be fine without us!
Good looking out, but as the Olga-poster I'm fine with it. As long as she doesn't get dragged into any stupid Draigo or time travel bullshit. I'll do an Olga post soon.

Or like, use the Discord. To prevent discord.
Fair enough. I just felt he was going a bit far without you.
The bets place for it!
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Don't worry boss I got you a new one!
Discord is gay.
Then you'll fit right in.
>Be me, Gutthurian "The Gut" Ortylux a proud Berzerker of the Sanctified
>This is the most fun I've had since I got to this planet! And that's saying something, because we've all been having a fantastic time.
>The littles are charging the little priest and his bride en mass. Some of them are lacking in technique, but others are doing better considering he has a shield. Most importantly, they all seem to be having fun. We're going to miss poor Ork-Arms though, that guy was a riot.
>Me and the other Bigs are about to step in when the wedding party starts raining grenades on us and opening up with the most impressive assortment of weapons I've ever seen normal humans wield. They don't look like nobility, so the little priest must be a really generous guy.
>The grenades don't do much to me and the other bigs, they mostly just clear out what's left of the orks and let us turn our attention to the wedding party.
>The Bolter rounds, plasma bolts, and barrage of Melta Fire is a slightly different story.
>I really like these guys.
>Killing them is going to be a blast.
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Y'all, c'mon, we gotta stick to a post limit and we'll discuss things after anyway. Clean up some of that white text if you can.
>be Palatine Sara
>that orange-haired bitch left us behind in this shithole
>scramble out of the cathedral with the rest of the Sororitas as soon as the Orks give up on trying to get in
>find the groom
>might be a little skeptical about his "natural divinity" but he's a Bishop and I'm a Sister of the Ecclesiarchy, so by the Emperor I'm gonna deliver him safe
>he's fighting Chaos Marines
>oh no you fucking don't
>that's what we're here for
>last thing I need is him getting himself killed fighting traitor Marines with nothing but a lick and a promise
>draw both guns while sliding down a pile of rubble
>drop three of the lost and damned with headshots
>it's high noon, motherfuckers
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>Be Becky, Norn Queen
>My plot is in ruins, like my poor biotitan
>What a stupid way to die
>There is just way too much shit going on in here
>Just have my underground assault force descend down into the underground and lurk in the growing sewer system of this place
>Okay, you cows win this time, but I will return
>Because I've always been here, waiting deep below the surface
>Maybe you'll all come to me and visit for dinner
>Be writer of Fessus and friends, as well as some Blood Ravens too
>Come up with a cool idea of then trying to suffocate the Biotitan with the incredibly Smokey “Tankers”, smoke grenades and other sorts of thing
>Try to post it on the trai him from work
>Get banned for a Crime I didn’t commit on a board I’ve never been to
>By the time I’m able to post again, it’s already over
I am incredibly fucking livid.
sorry about that man
>Be me, The Best Seneschal in the Ecclesiarchy
>Burned, bit, and scarred now but apparently these maniacs consider that a good thing.
>Now that I'm in with the big shots maybe I can get one of their "laundry ladies" to do some actual surgery and clean me up.
>Decked out in some sweet gear now though, and some of these Ecclesiarchy girls are pretty cute.
>I could get used to this. If the Governor's Whore of a Daughter can become some sort of holy princess, maybe I could...
>Then the fucking Chaos Marines showed up. Next thing I know the little psycho and his reformed turbo-ho are swarmed with cultists and the Marines are looking at us.
>Governor's Whore of a Daughter is waving around a fucking power sword, destroying chain weapons left and right but they're still getting swarmed.
>I knew she could take on a lot of guys, but I've never seen her do it with a sword.
>Our guys are throwing enough expensive ammunition at them to take down a Titan but they're still coming. There is even some sort of Gothy Bolter Bitch shooting guys left and right, but these are CHAOS MARINES.
>Well, I shouldn't say our guys. The Bishop's guys. I didn't sign up to fight cannibalistic avatars of war.
>Nice meeting you guys, have fun dying. I'm out of here.
>be me, kalabite Drazar
>be back in the gunners seat of a new raider
>kinda dissapointed that I missed before, but proud I atleast hit something
>the crew is also OK with me missing
>fuck if I know why
>on our way to our next target
>well, targets
>some imperial forces are being chased by tyranids and the archon wants to cripple two forces in one blow
>make some stupid fucking analogy about "being the blade that slices the throats of two"
>just like a craftworlder
>anyways we're now in visual range of the collum
>easily keep pace with the primitive tanks and bio forms
>the wytches "requisitioned" some heavy shit
>namely some dark lances
>and by "requisitioned" I mean they stole them from the trueborn
>sight down some big tyranid that looks like a mountain of claws and anger
>fire into it with front cannon
>through and through, good hit
>it turns and roars at me
>shoot again, hit
>it's charging now
>shoot again, hit
>it's not slowing down
>what no
>we speed up
>shock prow lights up
>plow into the thing full speed
>it damn near carves the thing in half
>blood everywhere
>laugh like a mad man
>we move into the next big thing
>doing the same thing as before
>by the laughing god this is great
>the succubus is standing next to me
>pretend not to notice
>she looks like she wants to say something
>has that cute- I mean weird face
>she nervously throws some gas grenades at the lesser tyranids below
>she finally turns around, puffs put her chest and speaks
"Kalabite, would you like to-"
>she gets cut off by a big ass tyranid roaring
>like holy shit that's Mon'keigh titan sized
>we weave around it and turn out guns to bear
>then it fucking explodes
>lesser nids in retreat
"Orders Ma'am?"
>the succubus seems surprised that I spoke to her
>she looks behind us and sees the dozen or so raiders and ravagers
>ravagers swoop overhead
>Fucking tantalus leads the charge
>imperial armor collum is a ways ahead of us
>allow the rest of our force to catch up
>but not too much, we're gonna be the first
>we pull along side the tantalus
>the archon and succubus talk a bit
>I think he's hitting on her
>just like him
>succubus is having none of this
>says some choice words and turns around
>suddenly she gets this look
>she turns back to the archon
>and turns to me
>is she gonna order me to shoot him? Because I'm down for that
>before I can ask she grabs both sides of my head
>and kisses me
>for like 5 fucking seconds

Drazar.exe has stopped working. Please shut down and try again later.

>archon sees this
>archon throws his grab back and laughs like a fucking maniac
"We always need more trueborn!"
>raider speeds up and away
>fucking stupified and a bit scared
>what is this fucking planet?
>what is going on?
>Be me, Gutthurian "The Gut" Ortylux a proud Berzerker of the Sanctified
>Now this is a wedding!
>The bride and groom are really inspiring. I mean, they're a really cute couple but total opposites in a lot of ways. I mean, he looks like some good boy teenager and even I can tell that she's way too hot to be so pure. But they're making it work.
>Watching them fight together while they're swarmed by the littles is actually impressive. He's killing whoever he can while trying desperately to protect her, but she refuses to stay out of the fight and keeps destroying chain axes with blocks from her power sword.
>The bridal party is pretty impressive too. They're more accurate than any guard unit I've ever run into, though obviously the great kit helps. They actually manage to take down one of my fellow Bigs with focused fire, and cripple another one.
>Unfortunately, they didn't have Bigs of their own to teacher them tactics. A bunch of them go down to a spray from one of my brothers' Bolter's because they were grouped so close.
>They also don't seem to realize what they're up against, because they seem absolutely shocked when I charge into them and start slicing away with my chain axe. They probably didn't know how fast marines are. Someone really should have given them better guidance.
>These Imperials just don't understand things like mentorship and brotherhood.
>To their credit, even maimed they keep shooting. It doesn't keep them from dying though.
>One of them stands out. Some confident seeming gal in a snappy black number with a pair of pistols.
>She looks delicious, but my brother with the Bolter calls dibs and unfortunately rules are rules.
>Be me, Praetius Orgellen, Driver for the Broken Shields Predator tank, Defender Of Hope
>Get orders more than an hour before hand, to make my way throigh the streets, and clear out any chaos armor along the way
>Along the way, I pass by the chapel where the bishop was having wedding.
>It's fully understand siege, and falling
>Those fuckers were supposed to have evacuated hours ago...
>Stop for a moment as a brilliant idea begins to form.
>Rev the engines, and charge straight through the closest intact wall.
>Wall comes crashing down atop traitor forces, as I begin opening fire with a mixture of autocannons and heavy Bolter shells., As debris comes crashing down atop traitors.
>Fucking glorious temple is now ruins.
>Pretty sure I heard someone shit themselves from in here.
>Be Fessus
>escape from giant Nid Worm thing
>Watch as Decarus’s girlfriend flies to wards the Nid by herself
>Watch as they both get blasted by greatest fireworks display i have ever seen.
>Goddamn this is what makes being in the Guard worth it
>Too bad im not in it anymore
>Oh well, I guess I can’t complain to much.
>So...Now What.
>Al of the major threats have been dealt with
>The Space Marine we were following is making moon-eyes with one of the sisters.
>I guess...we’re free to go?
>Maybe we should check on Decarus
>Since the Only person who knows where he is just died-again-I guess we’ll just have to look for him ourselves
>And Kill whatever we find on the way
>It is only after we’ve gone five blocks, that I notice we’ve still the got the Two Tankers full of our tag-alongs...tagging along.
>Be Sargent Thorn
>The entire city is crumbling around me, the ground is littered with slag and corpses of all faction anyone can imagine
>The Titans in the distance are either in ruin, still fighting, or falling back
>The streets are still swarming with the enemies of man though we are getting the city under Imperial control
>Everything is looking up until we informed that Fucking Traitor marines are attacking the Bishop
>Company Captain orders my squad and several others to make a mad dash to their location and kill any traitors along the way
>We shoot, slash, burn, and push our way to the Bishops location were we witness our Captain sacrifice himself to place a deep strike beacon so our Terminator and Aggressor brothers can clear the entry way
>With vengeful furry I can down the door for my squad and a few other Imperial fist squads to rush in and engage the traitors marines in melee
>Look for the leader of these heathens to challenge to melee combat
>Be me, Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>And this is too much.
>The emperor marked me to lead or to inspire, I'm not a space marine. I'm not even like the Sisters of the Ermine Mantle
>Even if my invincibility holds up? Where would that leave my bride? I can't be without her.
>What if I've been corrupted? What if my lust or the fact that I keep throwing myself into battle made my unworthy of The Emperor's blessing?
>But I'm with the most wonderful woman in the galaxy, and if I am to die it's going to be by her side.
>We're being overwhelmed by heretic guardsmen revving chain weapons, but she keeps fighting by my side.
>It actually is working as well as it could. She keeps destroying their chain weapons when she parries with her power sword and then it gives me one more easy kill with my Evicerator.
>We've killed dozens but they're still coming, and the marines are easily tearing through everyone else even as they take all the fire the Ecclesiarchy can muster.
>But every one of these monsters we kill is a victory for the faithful, and the Imperium.
>If I have sinned and failed the emperor, I pray this death will redeem me and I can still enter the Emperor's legion with my bride at my side.
>Just then, a wall collapses, a massive marine tank crushing one of Khorne's monsters under its treads. It tears into the crowd of traitor guard, quickly tearing through the crowd.
>I move to shelter my bride and pull away from the bullets, my rosarius taking care of stray shots.
>I hear more explosions from the front of the Cathedral, and then more marines crash through the entrance.
>But they aren't like the monsters trying to kill us. They're almost glowing with the Emperor's holy light.
>I haven't failed the Emperor. He's sent his angels of death to save my bride and I.
>Of course I didn't do anything wrong.

>Be me, Praetius Orgellen, driver for the Broken Shields predator tank, Defender of hope.
>With the arrival of both myself, and a group of teleporting black templars. The chaos forces are in complete disarray!
>Whilst the black templars engage in hand to hand combat, I casually stroll my tank towards the bishop and the survivors, and lower the boarding ramp.
You've got thirty seconds to fit in, or I'm leaving without you.
>A little bit of a timer to keep them on their toes...
>Even still, I continue to use the autocannons and heavy Bolter sponsons to lay waste to any heretic crazy, or stupid enough, to try to get into close range of my beauty.
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>Be me, Umie McUmieton
>Dis 'ere 'as been a bad day.
>Da Finga O'Mork woz blokked
>Da boyz 'as been krumped by 'umies and spikey boyz
>Iz even lost me squig.
>Iz still beneef da 'Umie trukk.
>Me bak iz 'urty
>But iz ded 'ard, and keep quiot
>Da WAAAGH!!! Iz krumped, 'Umies woz 'arder den we fink.
>But Iz not ded yet.
>Drop from 'Umie trukk.
>Iz leg it ta covah
>Da 'Umies 'ave won dis toim.
>Umie McUmieton iz gone
>But Da Spooky Git 'as come.
>Put on me Spooky Sneek gear.
>Purple as night.
>Iz will be 'ere
>A shadow in da noit
>A whispah in da storm
>A beecon of da WAAAGH!!! fer dem 'Umies.
>Iz gonna sneek fer now. But Iz gonna be bakk
>Iz still a commandork
>Iz still got me missun.
>Be Fessus
>Be WALKING along the the city streets trying to clear it and look for Decarus
>Our Tanker ran out of fuel so we had to leave them where they were
>Had to physically Drag Marcus out myself
>Our tag alongs are still with us
>Why are they even still here?
>Okay, I get why the Gaurdsmen are following the Stormtroopers, but why are the Goth sister and the frontier worlder Cowgirl here?
>You would think patrolling the streets would be more exciting
>Everything dangerous has either died or fucked off, all that’s left are random straggles who didn’t get the memo
>So now it’s my job to babysit a bunch of bored soldiers
A’wwrighty partners I spy with my little eye,
“Aw what? You can’t bloody do that, thats Bloody bullshit and you know it.”
“What do ya mean?”
“Everything here’s Bloody Grey, how am I supposed to find a gray object in a gray landscape”
”It’s as Grey as my weary soul”
“I thought y’all said it was black?”
“I’m in a really good mood”
“Well Anyways hon, they’res like, fifty shades of grey, they’re not all the same”
“Well then say what bloody shade of Grey it is and not just Grey then sweetheart”
“Alright, I spy with my little eye something Ash Grey!”
“Oh you’re bloody doin’ this on purpose aren’t you woman?! “
>Be me, Gutthurian "The Gut" Ortylux a proud Berzerker of the Sanctified
>And this is easily the best wedding I've ever attended.
>Normally, I'd have a talk with the marine who crashed a tank through the wall crushing my Bolter Buddy.
>But in this case, it's just livening things up!
>The autocannon doesn't mean much to me, and when he lowers the ramp our littles race up it to fight the marine inside.
>Meanwhile two of my fellow Bigs start tearing into it with Meltas. It's weapons and treads will be slag in no time.
>More imperial marines crash in through the front door and start engaging with my brothers in melee. My fellow Bigs form a choke point at the entrance to prevent being overwhelmed and engage with the imperials one after another.
>Most of the priest's retinue lays dead or dying. They put up a good fight, I haven't been this hurt in centuries, but it won't make a difference.
>Still, it's not just about winning and losing. It's how you play the game.
>I'm really disappointed to see the priest and his bride trying to pull back from the fight now that the marines have arrived. You don't run away, even in the face of an agonizing death. You leave it all on the field every.single.battle.

Where are you going little priest? You don't think you're just going to abandon your guests, do you? We haven't even eaten yet!

>I stomp through the remains of the wedding party. Time to formally introduce myself to the happy couple.
>Be Me, Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>The monster is talking again. Listening to it is even worse than looking at it. It's voice is like evil trying to charge into your ears and shatter your soul.
>Plus it's really loud
>I push my bride behind me as it marches towards me.
>I think about using my Bolter, but it's ontop of me instantly bringing its axe down on me.
>I raise my Evicerator to stop him, and somehow it works.
>He keeps pushing down, the chainaxe passing right through my rosarius and getting closer to my face.
>It's strength is unreal, I feel like my replacement arm is going to give out.
>Just then, my bride moves from behind me and swings her powersword at the blocked axe. Between my Evicerator grinding against it and her sword, the thing shatters in two.
>The thing looks surprised. Then it looks... happy? It's smiling from ear to ear.
>I cut into it deep with my Evicerator, but it just keeps coming.
>Be me, The Best Seneschal in the Ecclesiarchy
>Hit the armory on my way out, did some more looting. Thank you Ecclesiarchy!
>It's getting away with my haul that's a problem.
>I tried everything, but there is no way out!
>The other exits are on fire or full of straggler cultists and orks.
>Tank bay is on fire, and fire is spreading through the rest of the building from those explosions.
>Even the drop from one of the Windows onto spikey corpses and fires looks like a sure way to die.
>Think about sitting tight, but this whole Cathedral is starting going to be on fire soon.
>I'm not dying like a rat in a corner.
>Besides, maybe that little runt really is blessed by the Emperor. I mean, that wife of his was CERTAINLY blessed by Slaanesh.
>It's insane in the chapel, but not as bad as I would have thought. Most of my former co-workers are dead or at least in pieces. There are marines fighting chaos marines and a quickly melting tank with heretic guard racing into it.
>Yet somehow, that little creep and his whore are still alive. Though, not for long.
>He's trying to fight off that terrifying Chaos Marine, who seems to have lost his axe. But still that kid is doomed.
>But actually... I'm not sure that's a good thing.
>Load a Krak shot into the launcher I looted. Aim it at the monster's back.
>Here goes nothing.
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>Be me, Drathor Artix
>Be hurting.
>Be aching.
>Get up.
>Feel my ches-
>Not dead, not yet.
>Look around.
>Surrounded by corpses.
>Cathedral is booming with noise.
>Scamper inside.
>Big'uns and Littles are being massacred
>Marines and loyal guard are wading into a bloodbath
>It's going down
>Wonder how I'm still standing.
>Realize, I'm still wearing loyal uniform
>They think I'm PDF
>I might be able to lay low and wait for this to blow over.
>Hear a sound of tearing metal, look over.
>See The Gut
>See the couple.
>See the cunt aiming at The Gut.
>Not today.
>Start running
>That twat with the launcher doesn't see me coming.
>Take him from behind, knock off his aim.
>Have Icebreaker in hand.
>Struggling to keep this prick down.
>I can feel the sights of the loyalists on me.
>I still have a chance.
>Throw Icebreaker.
>Call out
>Be Fessus
“These broken Streets, filled with the dead,
My hollow Heart, weighed down like lead,
For those fallen, a tear I shed
But none for me, i’m Already dead.”
“Why, that was beautiful ma’am, simply beautiful! I had no idea you were such a poet as well!”
“We have to be, it’s one of the requirements to join the Sepulchre”
“You know, I myself dabble a bit with the wordsmithing from time to time, would you care to hear a demonstration?”
“I’d love to Mr. Phillip”
“Oh Please, Mr. Philip was my father, rest his poor soul, please just call me Phil. Anyways this Piece has to be shouted to get the full effect. Ahem-“

“I spy with my little eye...Oh come on Hon what’s the matter”
“No, you’re just gonna keep pulling this same shit you bloody cheater”
“Oh Come on Mark I was just havin a bit of fun, I don’t mean nothing by it, it was just A little bit of joke
“Oh come on, pleeeeese?”
“...oh alright what do you see”
“I spy with my little eye, somethin...”

“Hey dude, I betcha 20 thrones I can hit that window from here with a rock”
“Oh no way dude you’re on”
“Watch me bitch”
“What the fuck...”
“Pay up sucker”

“99 Guardsmen holding the line, 99 Guardsmen hold,
One gets shot in the head, ends up dead,
98 Guardsmen holding the Line!”

“...Wow, that wasn’t all that pbad for a self-proclaimed Amatuer. Simple, but you could really feel the emotion behind it!”
“Oh please Miss Maria, you’re making me blush.”
“No seriously! And just Maria’s fine by the way.”

“Hey Lloyd, I betcha 20 thrones to-
>This is my life now.
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>Be me, Gutthurian "The Gut" Ortylux a proud Berzerker of the Sanctified
>And I am ready to eat.
>The little priest actually manages to block my swing. Ork-Arms really would have liked that arm of his. Of course, it wouldn't have mattered if not for that gal of his slipping around his side to destroy my axe.
>Honestly, the love between the two of them and the way the work together is just adorable. I sincerely hope their skulls are placed next to one another on the Skull Throne.
>It won't save them from getting ripped apart with my bare..
>An explosion hits my shoulder pad. No big deal, it's heavily armored.
>It must be all the shots I took from the wedding party, but I actually lose my balance.
>And fall forward right onto his Evicerator.
>I'm shocked, but then I look back and see my little taking out the last of the priest's wedding party.
>I give him a thumbs up as I rip the little fella's armor plate and robe right off of him.
>I smile as he tries to use all of his might to pull the Evicerator through me.
>He's got a funny birthmark, kind of looks like a manta ray. It looks delicious.
>I bite into his chest, getting a mouthful of his birthmark and swallowing a big chunk.
>I'm about to have another bite when I feel him pull the Evicerator up and through my cheek.
>Collapse as I feel my shoulder separate from my neck.
>It was still a great party.
My new favorite character.
Love you too bro.
>Be Sargent Thorn
>The Beserkers are pilling down on us trying to stop our progress
>The Cathedral now represents the planet its located on with everything on fire and combatants all over the place
>It also reflects the insanity of this hellhole when the Bishop and his wife managed to break the head heretics axe
>Suddenly see some traitor Guardsman tackle one of the Bishops servants and shouts words of encouragement at the beast
>However this distract him for just a few moments
>I managed to force my way through the remaining beserkers and summon the Terminators and Aggressor units outside and charge at the head heretic
>I must look like one of my deranged Brothers in the Black Templars due to the shot covering my armor and me shouting "For the Emperor" at the fiend
>It also didn't help that I was finally able to initiate melee combat with the Brute
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>Be me, SYBARITE Drazar
>orders came from archon to scout the ruins of the city
>for some fucking reason that is beyond me
>sent in with small squad of 5 kalabite
>the Succubus, Kal'laeth as I now know her, was not happy
>still don't know what her deal is
>anyways, we make our way through the city after covering our venom with camo fields. the only way anyone will ever find it is if they walk into the damn thing
>as we move from rooftop to rooftop I hear some guttural Mon'keigh speech
>now, I always showed initiative and took time to learn the "language"
>vects ass what I hear is horrid
>a female is trying to recite poetry
>and they call us edgy
>looking over the side, I see something truely heart warming
>the guardsman looks as if he would rather be dead
>we laugh quietly at him and move on

I'd have been better off shooting him and that damn squad.
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>Gut is gone.
>The Big'Uns are gone
>Littles are gone
>Be me, Drathor
>Be alone.
>Little twat still beneath me.
>Get up, smash my new boots into his teeth.
>Eyes are wet
>Only most of it is blood.
>Not going to end like this
>Run, as fast as I can.
>See Ork-Arm.
>He's gone to.
>He won't be carrying his chain-axe anymore.
>I'll carry it for him
>Carry it for all of them.
>Lift the weapon
>Angry, pissed, maybe dying.
>Body is stronger then I thought it could be.
>Bring down the axe hard, actually manage to gun the engine.
>Floor, already wreaked from explosions, tanks, orks, battles, and feth all, breaks.
>Fall down.
>It's all dark below.
>Doesn't matter now.
>I'm The Last Crasher
>Crashers go forever.
>be Palatine Sara
>spit on the corpse of the big Traitor Marine with the bolter
>I serve the Emperor's justice, and he has no mercy to give to Chaos
>turn back
>fire my last shot in either gun at the fat one
>they hit home, as if there were any doubt
>I am an instrument of the God-Emperor's vengeance, and I fire with his own aim
>steam rises from the holes they left from the consecrated silver of the bullets
>he doesn't seem phased, still fighting with the Bishop and his new wife as if he didn't notice
>still cut off from the Black Sepulchre Repentias
>draw the big Catachan Bowie knife from my armor's belt
>charge the newlyweds and the big brute with the intention to gut him
>get halfway there before something hits me straight above the armor
>eyes dart over
>see one of the traitor Guard wrestling the Seneschal to the ground, his arm outstretched
>his knife is buried a few inches into my neck
>fall straight to the ground
>look up in time to see the Bishop lop the head straight off the fat Traitor Marine before I pass out
>not bad
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>be Canoness
>currently underground
>between the giant burrowing Tyranid, Saint Brigitte and the bombardment, the street suffered a critical failure in its ability to support a 20-ton tank
>who could've figured
>when I find out who it was that called an artillery strike directly on the "Pentagon", and by extension me, I'm either going to give them a medal or have burned to death on the spot
>haven't decided yet
>climb out the side door of the Repressor, into the understreet sewers
>dust myself off
>heard something about Necrons down here
>that'd be just our fucking luck
>yell for somebody to get up top and make sure Brigitte isn't permanently dead
>Be me, Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>As I cut through the monster and it collapses, it feels like reality snaps.
>Grab onto my bride for balance as I try to keep from collapsing myself, dropping my holy Evicerator onto the blood covered floor.
>Hear the Imperial marines start to overtake the traitors.
>Look to that goth chick that was helping me and distracted the other chaos marine, she's got a knife in her neck.
>Look towards my followers, dead or severely wounded.
>The Seneschal is separated from the rest of them, a Krak launcher laying at his side.
>He's being killed by some guy in a PDF uniform.
>Try to lift my Bolter to save him, but my arm has stopped working.
>Watch as the PDF soldier picks up a massive axe and escapes through the floor.
>Can't hold up my body anymore. Slowly drift to the ground while holding onto my bride.
>Look down at my chest. There is a gaping bite wound where my Aquila used to be.
>Look my bride deep in the eyes as I feel myself passing out.
>Tell her how much I hate Khorne
>Be Future Commissar
>Get word that the Bishop was getting attacked by Khornate Beserkers when the battle was finally calming down
>Both versions of myself along with the Sisters, stormtroopers, and whatever zealots we could find to rush up to his location
>When got there were surprised to find that some blacked out Imperial Fists have secured the location
>Then we learned from the Sargent in charge of them that the fucking Bishop cut off the head of a Khornate Marine, stated it was probably the most impressive thing he saw
>There are still heretics, xenos, and probably some daemons out there, which are likely to increase in number give recent events but thats to be expected on this shithole
>At least the after party was great for our somewhat victorious stance though the city rubble killed about a few thousand people
>Even managed to find one of those deserting Stormtroopers who actually just became Blood Ravens pesudo scouts
>Didn't have the heart to blam them (that and the Magpies actually gave some of our shit back so kinda don't want to piss them off), but the original me decided to punch him in the face as punishment and told him to punch the others in the face for us
>Was pretty funny
>Can't really complain about the planet I ended up on despite my armor and jacket turning black due to the shot
>That was until I noticed mine and the other version of myself's helmets gone
>We were both horrified to find one copy with some Blood Raven, and the other helmet with a fucking Necron Overlord
>be Palatine Barbastella
>push through the retreating Chaos infantry
>quite literally in some cases
>separate a fair few traitors from the misconception of life with my sawsword
>find the Bishop, unconscious and cradled by his bride, bleeding from his chest
>roughly two pieces of a Chaos Marine next to him
>the gunslinger Palatine is lying not too far away, an unpleasant amount blood pooling around her
>the Seneschal is rolling in the dirt clutching his mouth
>the few remaining Guardsmen look quite shell-shocked
>signal for the Black Sepulchre Sisters to tend to the wounded
>admittedly, acceptance of the illusion of life does not make for the best medics
>still, they should be able to stabilize them
>pause near the fat Traitor Marine's corpse
>hear a faint sound not unlike the muffled screaming of a gretchin
>order a perimeter established in case the Orks are still nearby
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>Be Sister Charlotte
>Somehow be alive
>Oh great, Terese is alive too
>Why did she have to live and not poor uh... Jane? Janice? Whoever the fuck that was
>I guess Lydia and Hanna are alive too
>And some girls who were younger than me in Schola, so don't give a shit
>But now we're underground
>Fuck me I'm a little claustrophobic
>Don't let Konnie see me sweat
>We start looking for a way out.
>Oh god I think I can still hear Tyranids
>It sounds like they are burrowing further down, but I still fucking hear them
>Grab my melta like Sister Charlotte grabs cock
>Wait, fuck, no, I'm Sister Charlotte
>Grab it like... whatever, I'm too nervous
>Suddenly we come across some big glowy green door thing
>Want to ask if we can try another way
>Possible Tyranids is better than certainly this
>The necrons will flay us all regardless
>The tyranids will probably try and eat Olga first if she's still around.
>I bet fucking Lydia lives, she's barely worth dessert.
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>Wait, fuck, no, I'm Sister Charlotte
>Be Sargent Thorn
>Just when I thought nothing could surprise me anymore several things happen
>First, the Bishops servant actually managed to fire off a rocket at the Heretic before getting overwhelmed
>But that pales in comparison to what the Bishop did next, which was fucking decapitating the Marine
>Me and all the other sons of Dorn around me just stood their shocked for a moment that some Bishop who looks like he should be in school managed to cut off the head of a Khornate Marine who might have been around since the Horus Heresy
>The only reason people even believe this story is because I am a Space Marine Sargent of a First Chapter
>This fucking kid should have been a good damn Chaplin
>Actually come to think of it, it might still be possible to make him a space marine
>All the other Chapters are thinking about it, he clearly proved himself, plus he might still be young enough
>All I have to do is make sure the Magpies don't steal him first, only the finest recruits for the sons of Dorn
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>I'm Brigitte
>Or... again?
>Still getting used to this whole "resurrection" thing
>Really hoping it doesn't work like cats because if it does I'm down to 5
>Gotta remember to ask Hospitaler Tamsin about those Ultramario lives
>Or... the Bishop? The Canoness?
>Does a Living Saint go to doctors or religious figures for her medical questions?
>But really, ouch
>Find myself on a rooftop
>Pretty content to just lay here a minute or two
>Or sixty
>Maybe just a quick nap
>See one of those flying Eldar boats go by, heading out of the city
>An Eldar boy and an Eldar girl are kissing
>Aww, that's the cutest thing ever
>Wait, Eldar are bad
>The Sisters!
>Have to see if they're okay
>Hop over the side of the building and glide down
>The giant Tyranid is still there, dead, its back half still running under the street, underneath the face-down Evil Titan
>Big holes in its body and craters all over the street
>Okay, so that was for sure artillery and not some secret saintly "make everything explode" power I didn't know I had
>Marines are raiding the Titan, it's still mostly intact except for the legs
>Can't see the Sisters
>Hope they just drove off during the battle
>Head off in the direction of the cathedral
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>"-and remember, keep your wargear on LOCKDOWN. Blood Ravens have been spotted."
>I requested to know why there'd been no Exterminatus from the Inquisition.
>Ordo Malleus representative picking his teeth
the orbit crawls with battle barges from all sorts of Astartes battle barges, Sororitas, Eldar, Necrons, Tau, and Imperial cruisers.
>One Astartes Battle Barge is half-painted in Imperial Fist and Blood Raven regalia.
>"It looks like the Blood Ravens are up to their shenanigans. Therefore deployment will subsequently be with minimal reserves and no Dreadknight support."
>I'll be lucky they don't "gift themselves" my sacred Terminator armor.
>We'll be Deep Striking via teleporter.
>Nemesis Sword
>Storm Shield
>Storm bolter with blessed ammo
>I am Marcellus of the Grey Knights, and my squad and I will kill all the Chaos.
>Be me, Bishops Wife (And hopefully not Widow)
>Babe storms into the fucking Chaos Space Marine
>That guy is pretty swole, even for.. that is atleast terminator armor he is wearing and I could swear the Axe just popped an eye and looked at me
>Charge with him, try my best to help him,
even cut trough his axe togehter with babe marines gets hit falls
>Right into Babes Giantass Chainsword
>Pushes trough, Marine gets torn apart
>Still gets to simply rib a giant piece out of his armor like its paper
>Bits a chunk out of my babe, gets torn apart and while smiling alll the time like a nurglite on Rotfather Day
>Pull Babe crying out of the danger zone, tell him everything will be allright
"You cant die now, you are mine forever babe, never leave me alone! Yeah, I hate those khorne fucks too!"
>Do something I did last when I was six.
>Fold my Hands to the Aquila and pray
>Be Decarus
>Still Be in Hospital
>There was quite a lot of hullabaloo going on
>Gravity evstarted tilting a bit
>But it seems like now it’s all over
>The room’s pretty nice, cant complain too much
>Still kind of bored though
>Holovision isn’t working,
>Probably because the communications got knocked out
>Still got Books though.
>Let’s see Ciaphas Cain: Hero of the Imperium, Life and Trials of Klightus, Hivestrain Azure-ooo that looks interesting
>It’s got a naked lady on the cover, must be artsy or something
>let’s give it a crack
>Oh that’s lewd
>And heretical
>How did that get here I wonder
>let’s just put that back
>Suddenly hear a bunch of commotion outside my room
>Must be some new arrivals
>Somebody walks into my room
>It’s the Commissar
>Uh oh
>Instead of just shooting me He slowly walks towards me while giveong me a death glare, til he’s at the side of my bed.
>And punches me square in the nose
>I wasn’t listening to rest because I was too busy focusing on how much my Nose hurt
>and just like that he as calm as when he entered
>What was all that?
>My Nose still hurts
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>Be me, Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>And my birthmark, the Emperor's holy mark which protects me, is gone.
>Eaten by a monstrous chaos marine
>Don't know what that means for me.
>But I don't know much of anything, because I'm slipping in and out of consciousness.
>See my bride, then black.
>See my massive fucking chest wound, then black.
>See some goth chick trying to fix me, then black.
>See my bride again, I think we're somewhere else. I'm not sure because it seems hazier every time I come to.
>Then it's black again for what seems like forever. I think my holy task may be over, and my life too.
>Suddenly my eyes shoot open, and I see my bride locked in prayer.
>Realize I've never seen that before, which is weird.
>Don't wants to interrupt her at first, but then I just have to ask...
>Has the Emperor said anything back? Specifically about my birthmark.
>I don't pass out this time.
>Guess I do still have someone looking out for me.
>Be Marcus
>Be playing I spy with Sister Josephine
“I spy...with my little eye, somethin...Pointy.”
>”Broken communications receiver pole, third building to the left.”
“Hot damn that was fast! See I told you you’d get the hang of this Mark!”
>It’s all thanks to my little trick
>see when she’s looking for something, i look at where’s her eyes are looking, and that’s where it is
>Alright my Turn
>”I spy with my little Eye...”
>Here the noise of a tank coming
>It’s the Commissar(s) and their
>”oh bugger me”
>we’re all stopped,
>he just looks at us
>and we look at him
“So Which one of you four deserters is the ring leader here?”
>nobody says anything
>Fessus steps forward
“It was me Sir, you can shoot me now please”
“Very well, if that is what you wish”
>Commissar takes out his pistol and shoots him in the chest
>His Carapace takes it but it still knocks the wind out of him
“But I just came here to let you know, that in light of the Blood Ravens’ assistance in defending Angel’s landing, and due to the fact that you haven’t actually deserted so much as just gotten different armor and a paint job, all previous Crimes of the Blood Ravens and their subordinates have been pardoned, including yours. Tell your new bosses that they are welcome in this city, so long as they don’t go back to pillaging everything.”
>he starts driving off
“Oh, and before I forget, if you are looking for the hospital it is 8 blocks down that way and to the left. Your friend is currently recovering there, and as is your Palatine, Sister of the Golden Light.”
>And now he actually leaves.
“...So What was all that about”
>”Oh don’t worry about it, just a little joke, it’s nothing”
>Help Fessus Get back up
>way to take one for the team
>Even if it wasn’t necessary
“Wait, did he just say Palatine Sara’s at the hospital!? We need to get there now!”
>Be Landraider drive Furantus
>Be carrying Subducos’ assault squads
>or at least what’s left of them
>Operation White Elephant had mixed results
>Most of the Titans were pretty successful
>The biggest one however was the where the mixed came in
>It was a lot more Warp tainted than we had initially thought,
>only managed to damage the leg, and at the cost of high casualties
>Once Subducos and and his battle brothers were safely inside, I had to drive around the Titan taking poshots at it’s leg
>Thankfully the other Imperial Titan was giving it as good as it got
>bought us enough time to take out the leg and let it finally finish it off
>We were pretty sure it was dead, but decided to confiscate all the least Warp-tainted parts, just in case
>Now we’re driving back in to see what else needs cleaning up
>and also pick-up our auxiliaries
>Honestly I kinda forgot about them during the whole mess,
>feel a little bad about it actually.
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>be me
>the man
>the myth
>the legend
>alpharius himself
>nah I'm just kidding, Hakon Geras, operator-master of alpha legion cell ΨΟ
>our cell, operating on a previously unknown ice world in an attempt to turn it into an alpha legion recruiting world with enough forges to outfit a full company of space marines, was going well enough
>we had tactically inserted slaaneshi and nurglite cultists to "soften" up the population in order to find those strong enough to resist the temptation of chaos
>them always make good space marines for our cause
>however, this did not go as planned.
>see this is EXACTLY why we don't insert tzeentchi cults anymore Teroyn, god fucking damn it
>he always fucking finds a way to shit fuck up
>regardless, imperial forces invaded, found a dormant necron tomb and decided to wake it fucking up, which caused all kinds of shit according to my sources, those being:
>tyranids, space marines, imperial guard, titans, more necrons, more space marines, orks, MORE space marines
>at this current time there are 5 other alpha legion cell operators from completely different cells on this fucking planet as I speak
>almost unheard of
>trying to co-ordinate is a nightmare
>however, I have a pretty nice as fuck plan
>since the blood ravens aren't very well liked on this planet, we should manipulate the blood ravens into killing some very important imperial in order to get some inquisitors into the system
>have the blood ravens investigated for heresy
>THEN recruit former guardsmen into wearing blood ravens armor (since some agents have spotted a few storm troopers doing that already) and have then overtake the ecclisiarchy under the guise of reclaiming relics
>splitting the inquisitorial forces into two forces, with the grey knights held up in orbit interrogating blood ravens and inquisitors dealing with blood raven's guard
>AFTER THAT we activate the inquisitor sleeper agent who will then call heresy upon the bishop and his retinue
>THEN the "blood raven's guardsmen" will change their allegiance to khorne, and start sawing the fuck out of the inquisitors, who will call DOUBLE heresy
>alerting the grey knights further, then activating our blood ravens sleeper agent who will plant slaaneshi artifacts in the hold of the battle barge in orbit right as the "heresy" on the planets surface goes off
>this will all culminate into us making a statue of roboute guilliman himself
>wearing his underwear ontop of his head
>forcing the ultramarines to come here as well
>who will witness the blood ravens being accused of heresy and will allow us to detonate a big smiley face on the planet
>the ensuing argument will finally provide us with a large enough smoke screen to cover up our most important secret
>the planets ice cap to reveal our Gloriana class warship, "ACCORDING TO KEIKAKU" hidden in the planet's core since the horus heresy allowing it to escape and find a more suitable planet for repairs.
>a perfect plan
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forgot image lmao
>Be Fessus
>Just ran into Commissar(s)
>Emperor-dammit that fucking asshole
>why the flying fuck did he have to shoot me when when he was going to pardon us anyways?
>Fucking dick
>Anyways he was nice enough to tell us where Decarus was,
>Thank the Emperor, I’d inhad to spend anymore time babysitting these fucking people i’d go insane
>Be running now at this point
>Don’t even stop to shoot at Xenos/heretics/whatever’s in front of us
>What ever doesn’t go down in the first volley of shots gets stampeded and left for dead
>get to Hospital
>Most of the Tagalongs break off when we get their, either to see if their friends made it, or because they get shanghaied into Guard duty
>push our way in
>find Decarus
>Aside from a broken nose, he’s lookin pretty alright
>Thank the Emperor
>everyone made it it
This isn't a bad framework for a sequel. We've got this, Canoness's crusade idea, and possibly the return of Becky: The Hive that Learned Hate as seeds. Once everyone finishes up here over the next 15 posts, someone should set up another after thread to gauge interest.

But, if not, I just want to say I've loved writing with all of you over the past week. I think the endings came together shockingly well given the nature of collaborative green texting.

We ain't Shoggy, but this was dope.
>be Palatine Sara
>wake up slowly
>in the hospital, looks like
>can't feel half of my body from the neck down
>start thinking about how well I can serve the God-Emperor's justice with just my left hand
>Hospitaler Tamsin is there
>she tells me that's just from the anesthesia
>says I'll be fine, except for a pretty sizable scar down my neck
>ask her if she still has the knife
>says she figured I'd ask for it
>picks it up from the shelf and hands it to me
>it's old, well-made, workmanlike
>the same length as my Catachan knife, but thinner, double-edged with a spear-point tip
>the collar of my armor caught the short finger guard and prevented it from sinking in more than a few inches, or I wouldn't still be here
>there's some writing crudely but carefully incised along the inside of the fuller
>the handiwork of a soldier with plenty of restless downtime
>it reads "Icebreaker"
>Be Fessus,
>It’s been about a week since the siege
>Decarus is about fully healed up, although he still has to go for check ups I case something acts up
>thank the Emperor for modern medicine.
>of course the first thing he does as soon as he’s healed is punch us all in the face while Apologizing
>Because the Commissar told him to
>Decarus you Emprah-damned weenie
>If you weren’t injured I’d give you a thrashing
>So as punishment, we brought him along on drinking excursion
>I know it doesn’t really seem like a punishment by for him it is.
>Up until now he’s never had a drink in his life,
>So now we figure it’s time to break his liver cherry and laugh at him as he fails to hold his drink
>Besides, I still owed Marcus those three for fixin up those tankers
>Thank goodness the Blood Ravens all gave us a post-battle allowance
>I think it’s because they felt bad about forgetting us
>Phil skipped out on us
>Apparantly he’s going for Poetry lessons with that Goth chick Maria now
>It’s good that he’s making friends,
>Still gonna make fun of him for it though
>We’re Not the only ones in the Bar,
>I mean, it’s not as crowded as the only bar in the city should be, but then again a lot of people did die.
>See some of our tag-alongs here
>they aren’t really all that bad a bunch
>Marcus and I are talking with Josephine while she drinks a “Sasparilla” Whatever that is
>Apparantly her Palatine is pretty badly wounded, but is expected to recover
>Same goes for Bishop Boy too
>She’s telling us this really funny story about the time her sister Jesse tried to Ride a Greater Knarloc
>she’s actually pretty alright when she’s not trying to push Marcus’s buttons
>actually she’s pretty great when she’s doing that too, it’s hilarious
>Decarus is as expected, a lightweight and dead Drunk
>I almost feel sorry for him
>You know, this is the first time in a long while that I’m actually enjoying myself
>Be me, The Best Seneschal in the Ecclesiarchy
>Im also a certified bad ass who takes out Space Marines, but you'd never know it given the amount of praise thats being heaped on Bishop Burn-It-All and his not so virginal bride.
>Sure he cut the thing in half and she broke its axe, but if I hadn't put my life on the line shooting it they'd both be long gone.
>Then, for my effort, I get my head kicked in by some psychotic PDF soldier. I don't even know how a PDF dipshit survived this long.
>If he hadn't blindsided me while I was focused on saving the Ecclesiarchy, I'd have messed him up.
>And of course no one lifted a finger to help me. Apparently the Bishop's big arm crapped out, but he still had another one.
>Don't know that the twerp could have handled a bolter with it though.
>Its not all downside though, the little guy is a hell of a lot more generous than the Rogue Trader I worked for.
>The drugs they've got me on in this hospital are the closest thing to a good time I've had since I got dropped here.
>Plus, he's getting the 7 survivors from the 60 that went down decked out in bionics. Even got me on the surgery list.
>Says we're his elite retinue now.
>Given the amount of thrones passing through the little twerp's hands, he's lucky to have a guy like me handling the finances.
>And I'll be happy to return to the standard of living I deserve.
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>be Canoness
>finally out of that damn sewer
>who knew Sister Charlotte was so claustrophobic
>guess it makes sense
>she's used to being the tunnel, not the train
>still remnant Necrons and feral Tyranids to clear out under the city
>best to take things one step at a time
>head back to the cathedral in a requisitioned Black Sepulchre hearse
>the Repressor is still buried in the street somewhere
>realize that I've yet to even see my damn quarters
>they're probably buried under a Titan's boot by now
>hope I might have an excuse to stay aboard the Bright Corona instead of in this hellhole
>step around the mound of Orks piled in front of the cathedral entrance
>the interior is already being cleared
>order a change of clothes brought and for someone to thoroughly clean my storm bolter in case I need it again in the next hour
>pilfer a slice of wedding cake from what's left of the catering table
>order that someone get me a line to Strike Commander Morgensen of the Blood Ravens
>we've yet to be properly introduced
>Be me, Primaris Sergeant, Jaren Artorius, Broken Shields Chapter.
>Been a week since the war "ended", so to speak.
>Of course there are still small pockets of resistance across the planet, but those are easy to take care of.
>Sadly, I still haven't gotten a "yes" or "no", from sister Olga.
>She ended up fainting shortly after I asked her out. Most likely, it was from combat exhaustion. I can't imagine what she went through.
>My quick reflexes, allow me to catch her in my arms, long before she would have ever hit the dirt.
>End up handing her over to one of her fellow sisters, before escorting them to the nearest field station.
>Along the way, discover that the tankers are no longer with us.
>Vow to make sure that they are avenged.
>By the next morning, my brothers in orbit are finally able to make contact with us.
>My "father" is of course, pissed to no avail, by the lack of contact as well as with my report.
>My "father" being the battle brother whom adopted me, after I was orphaned all those years ago, as well as my company captain.
>After eventually receiving my new orders, as well as a load of new equipment, my men and I ditch our Inceptor gear, and don Aggressor suits, as a nearby have block needs reinforcements.
>Spend the next few days traveling across the main city. Gunning down hundreds of scattered Xenos and heretics. Using backpack mounted grenade launchers, to rip apart anything we can't immediately see.
>Occasionally take some time between missions to visit Sister Olga, whilst she recovers.
>Wonder if she'll finally give me an answer, when I go visit her in a bit.
>Be me, Sister Olga
>Suggest that we just order the rest of these idiots milling around into the sewers so we can just be done with this whole thing but nooo.
>Maybe I know what I'm talking about. I AM the one who saved like everyone from orks and not one of these bitches has said a word. Like they're always trying to bring me down because they're so jealous of me.
>Instead Canoness drags us back to this Cathedral Charlotte ordered. With her in charge no wonder it was so cheap and tacky.
>And why did the Canoness drag us here? So she could have a piece of cake.
>Like I eat anything and everyone starts acting like they're "concerned for me" but these bitches consume nothing but garbage.
>And of course she took the last slice.
>I think the real reason they want to drag this out is to make me miss my date.
>That cute marine asked me out right in front of them and you can FEEL the jealousy.
>Thats the real reason they always leave me behind, guys always just pay attention to me which these sluts can't handle.
>Sorry girls, real men want REAL women.
>Meanwhile, the only attention these twigs get are from the widows Terese creeps on and that twerpy little Bishop that always stares at Konstanza's tits.
>Ugh, I am starving though. A lot of this food looks like its still good actually and like I actually need my nutrients since I do all the work.
>Be me, Primaris Sergeant, Jaren Artorius.
>Be a little disappointed.
>Apparently, just an hour before I got back to the field station. Sister Olga and the others had left on some sort of "secret" mission.
>I hope it goes well for them and that Sister Olga returns. I'd hate for anything to happen to her...
>Well, whatever the case, I'll be at the field station until the next rotation starts. Hopefully the sisters will return before then. I'd love to spend some time with Olga, before we're both sent out to the front again.
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>Be Sister Terese
>Well its all over for now at least
>Still lots of Tyranids down there but there are a few Necrons too, and they are fighting each other for now
>I guess the Necrons don't like bugs burrowing through their shit
>Anyways turns out that our official quarters were stepped on by a Titan, so we're all stuck in whatever hab blocks they have built or dropped in
>I'm wondering how everyone can remain so gung-ho about all this - I wonder how long this will last?
>I get the idea Crazy-Eyes is a little fed up
>It was nice to see Charlotte shut the fuck up for a few moments due to pissing herself
>Anyways now I can finally get some me time
>There's another big set of massive funerals/victory parades all through this place
>I've organized a little group of war widows together - one of them had a noble husband or something so she has a nice place here
>After I'm relieved I head over there for some fun
>Things start to get pretty intense, as we're all pressed really close together...
As we play some board games and stuff. I'm pretty elite at this shit but I let some of them win. I also brought over what cake was left and food which a lot appreciated - some of them still have families who are stuck here, and the best supplies are going to the military, or Sister Olga. That fat bitch has probably caused countless orphans to starve to death. Its not sappy or anything - I honestly do feel bad for some of these girls. People forget most sisters are Orphans too, and I'm one of the few who was old enough to sort of remember my family. But we share food and I encourage them to talk with each other. This one poor girl must be like, sixteen, and some stupid PDF kid convinced her to marry him and then promptly went off to get flayed by a Necron, and now she's all sorts of lost. I do manage to get everyone laughing at one point with Schola Stories though.

>Be Sister Maria, Repentia of the Black Sepulchre
> It's a morbid irony that an event such as a wedding should end in such bloodshed.
>Hundreds of thousands have met their deaths, pious soul and foul heretic alike. Our dead sisters sit at the Emperor's side, and while we feel joy at knowing that they are now in the light of our Lord, the world will be worse for their absence.
>The Matrimonial City is ruined, the efforts of its denizens reduced to naught but rubble and ash blowing on the wind.
>They plan to rebuild, but it is a futile exercise.
>Whether by the machinations of heretics, the invasions of xenos, the corruption of warpspawn or the simple passage of time, it will all be reduced to dust again.
>And yet in spite of this, there will be celebrations tonight.
>Loud rejoicing in the streets at the union of two pious souls, or drinking with ones comrades, laughing in disbelief at ones survival.
>Or maybe just a quiet evening sharing poetry with a friend.
>In a universe shrouded in darkness, humanity still dares to shine, if only for an instant.

>Life is a fleeting illusion, and we are all already dead; yet I can think of no illusion more beautiful or terrible to behold.
>One might as well enjoy the theatre while it lasts.

the advantage of writing as a pretentious goth chick is that you don't need to worry about being a pretentious faggot
>Be me, Scout Marine Zhang
>Somehow be not stepped on by a Titan
>Somehow be still alive
>Be pissed because apparently victory celebrations are for Chapters that people know about
>Worse, now have actual battle companies of the Purple Stars landing on planet
>And a whole bunch of those fucking black clad librarians
>They kinda remind me of those black clad sisters, topkek.vox
>So they come in here and I have to report and they all nod and look serious and its all "hrm yes the work of chaos"
>No fucking shit you cockmonglers, what tipped you off, the fucking flaming blood cannons?
>I swear this is what these guys do, they have schmucks like me schlep around looking for Chaos then when we run into it they claim that they foresaw where we were supposed to go
>The worst thing is we totally do it so we can be actual brothers
>My actual brothers are cocks though, I prefer hanging out with the scouts
>The council of Librarians we have here claim this planet has a great and terrible destiny, yadda yadda, battleground of all forces of chaos
>They go do some alchemy shit or whatever and cast their portents
>I am way beyond giving a shit. Fucking psykers.
>Be Princeps Majoris Mannerheim
>March the Ice Giants back into position guarding the city
>That was fucking rad as fuck guys
>I fucking cut off a traitor Titan's head with my giant chainblade
>And there were fucking huge ass tyranids everwhere
>God that was amazing
>Everyone we're drinking vodka tonight until we go blind
>Be Marcus
>Be havin a cold one with boys, (and something girls)
>You know I’m honestly surprised I’m even allowed back in this bar after what happened the last time
>I guess they must have seen that it wasn’t my fault,
>either that or they just didn’t recognize me.
>Everyone’s havin a good time
>Lloyd is tellin some of the greener Guard and PDF boys about how he single handedly tracked and captured the rogue Space Marine Dustbunny and daringly defused his Cyclonic torpedo
>the funniest part is that someone of them are actually buyin it
>Decarus is drunkenly trying, (and failing) to play darts.
>Even Fessus looks Happy,
>And he looked about ready to snap before the end of all this
>it’s amazing what a good nights sleep, a shower, and not being subjected to a constant warzone will do for you.
>Y’know maybe I’ve been a little hard on him.
>I mean, sure I give him a hard time but As our technically leader, he hasn’t done all that bad of a job
>I mean, hell last time I was in charge I almost got us all killed via Baneblade
>Well Decarus has passed out, guess that’s our cue to leave.
>Fessus gets up
“Sorry Sister but it seems Marcus and I are going to have to leave now. We’ve got to take this Lightweight back home, wouldn’t wanna miss his first hangover.”
>”Hey Lloyd, stop spinning yarns and get yer arse over here, we’re leaving!”
“But I haven’t even gotten to the climax yet!”
>”You can make up some even more outrageous bullshit for next time!”
>While we’re carrying Decarus out of The bar we realize something important
>none of us remembered to bring our Vox communicators
>none of the public transportation has been rebuilt yet
>guess we’re walking
>Through the dark dangerous city
>Good thing we’re not too drunk to aim this time.
>gonna have to pick up Phil too
>shit where do those goth girls hang out anyways?
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>Be me, Drathor
>Be The Last Crasher
>It's been dark ever since I fell.
>Figure I must be in the under sewers or something.
>Don't know how long it's been since The Wedding
>Feels like a while
>Good news is I haven't bled out, and my shot wound seems to be healing
>Skin is still red around it, but it's scarring real nice.
>Looks like an open maw
>Hasn't been dull down here
>Bugs are skittering around.
>First time I saw one, they came out, baying for my hide.
>Me, being all messed up from my fall, figured I was a goner.
>Didn't expect the flash of green to literally atomize the bugs.
>Gotten better since then
>I've taken out bugs
>Ork-Arms had big dreams, but he didn't actually train with the weapon he wanted.
>Didn't get the chance
>I have
>I'm getting better
>Started carving the hides off the bugs I kill
>Wish I had my knife
>Doesn't matter, their chitin makes nice armour
>Imperials are still down here
>Damn bolter bitches want to get into a threeway with the Beep Boops and the Bugs
>I stay out of their way
>I'm not ready to go after them
>Be Future Commissar
>After about a week of making sure this city can somewhat function properly again decided to have the planetary regiments form up again
>Though activity is down again the Nids are still present and are likely making a nest underground and we still need to find its hivemind
>Worse still are the Necrons have also went underground, most likely to the old tomb the previous ones used and this has caused the Eldar to become active on the planet again with more raids
>Original me decides it will be a good time to put some of the newfag guardsmen into the meat grinder and see if they survive long enough to join the stormtroopers in the veteran regiments
>Though this is all put on hold when the planet erupts into another fire storm, starting to think it might be seasonal or something
>That and we still have to get our helmets replaced, fucking theifs
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>be Canoness
>looking from the cathedral window
>some of the Sisters of the Golden Light are hanging captured Guard traitors with their lassos from the building across the square
>watch another one drop and the rope go taut
>on my second glass from the bottle of port I brought for the wedding
>have the sisters bring in the vox set with the line to the Blood Ravens strike cruiser
>give my thanks to the most honored Battle Brother for getting back to me in a timely manner
>as I heard, they had some trouble with the Necrons in orbit, and I understand this must be a busy time
>thank him graciously for his generous and well-appreciated contributions to the defense of the city
>take a puff from my long lho-stick holder
>tell him I was made aware of the incident involving Saint Brigitte and one of his Thunderhawks
>there are no hard feelings, of course
>accidents do happen
>take a long sip from the glass and then refill it
>inform him that, Astartes or not, if another one of his Chapter of half-baked Blood Angels so much as sets one of their grubby fingers on one of my resources again I will personally have him stripped of his armor from the waist down and slow-cook him in his breastplate with a flamer set to "low" while his own excrement seeps into the cuts made by the freshly sharpened Judas cradle he'll find himself sitting on
>and that afterward I will have no qualms about risking the ire of the Ordo Xenos to trade his broiled corpse, gene-seed and all, to Trazyn the Infinite in exchange for something more valuable, like a toaster oven or a new pair of boots
>and that very much includes any of my fucking scarves
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>Be me, Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop
>I should probably be at least Arch-Bishop Dominicus by now, but I don't need those sort of accolades.
>I've got my wife.
>Of course she's not just my wife. As the Governor's sole heir, she's now The Planetary Governess.
>And there is so much that we need to do.
>Given that this planet is now not only the location of a Holy Site but also the place where the Emperor raised one of his Living Saints, it will become an important shrine world.
>As such, I put in a request to the Ecclesiarchy for a major injection of funds which I'll use to turn this world into a shining jewel in the Imperium.
>I also put the call out for something much more important. Pilgrams, hundreds of millions of pounds pilgrims.
>With those, my bae will have no trouble meeting her tithe requirements and we can transform this now temperate world into something valuable. It could become the staging ground for massive crusades throughout this sector.
>Using our combined influence, we order the wreckage and equipment from the battles seized. Some of it is used to stock our armories, some is sold to the Ad Mech to improve relations, and the rest is moved through our Seneschal's Rogue Trader contacts.
>The funds from that go towards restoring and cleansing the Governor's mansion and the city around it.
>My fighting days may be behind me with my birthmark gone, but with every major threat to the planet defeated that shouldn't be a problem.
>There is so much good that we can still do, for the planet and for the Emperor.
>And between me and the Governess, we have MORE than enough power and money to do it.
>Be me, Planteray Governess
>Got myself a Husband, a Planet and a Shrine on the latter, so here could start some good business
>The Seneschall also sees this, how nice of him to help out, knowing him he will maybe slack some money off for himself, but he gets the job done pretty good, so I let that slide, as long he doesn't get the Inquisition on my Door
>Things are going pretty neat so far
>Repairs are in full action, 100% Emplyoment Rate through it. Partly because half of the Planets Population is dead or lost, but
>On the Mornings I recite the Thought for the Day on the Holocast, on the evening Babe reads some verses from the lectitio
>Despite Mortality Rates, Civilian Moral seems to go up, in other cases
>Send Gifts(Aka Loot from the City Ruins) to all the helping Hands, true servants of the Emperor must be rewarded
>Pornoslates, Milder Booze and Extra Rations for the Guard
>Darning Machines, Yarn and twelve Repressors to the Sisterhood of the Ermine Mantle
>A Fuckton of Beef Jerky and Banjos for the Golden Light Vaqueras
>Mascara, Eye Shadow and Raven Guard Poems for the Sisters of the Black Sepulchre
>Toasters and some Market Rights for the AdMech
>Discussion about future Recruitment Rights and Supplies for the Astartes
>And some awesome religous Stuff for the Zealots, Babe will have a idea
>Be Original Commissar
>Planet finally has a few safe zones that the Guard can use and for once an official government
>Still doesn't change the fact that most of the country side is a cluster fuck and their is an increasing xenos and heretic presence on the planet but can't complain
>Plus the new governess is actually more competent then her father, especially her brother
>They even gave me troops some extra food which is nice for moral, though I wish they would stop giving them alcohol, drunk Guardsmen don't last long in the field
>Still have to talk to the couple about the continuing the Guards presence on this planet and if its possible to convert the zealots into Guard regiments even if they completely convert it into a shrine world
>Might get awkward with the whole shooting the new leaders brother when this shitshow begun but hopefully that is water under the bridge
>Did make sure to offer both of them rare suits of power armor and other gifts in case she still holds a grudge
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>Be Sister Charlotte
>Finally be out of that horrible place
>Finally they have water running here
>Fuck everything
>Take charge on getting the rest of the sisters in place and organized, looks like we'll be here awhile
>See that we got a lot of darning machines and yarn
>What the fuck? Is this a joke?
>Oh well, start making myself a new cape
>Yeah, I can play seamstress, just doesn't come up often
>Fucking Terese could help run this shit but she's often molesting war widows, the stupid dyke
>Honestly though, considering how Schola was and the teachers we had, surprised more of us didn't turn out like her
>Hey, my dislike of tight spaces is probably because of when Sister Tifania and her slut friends put me in a locker
>Jokes on her, I let her stormtrooper boyfriend do me in the ass and she got eaten by a Haruspex
>Oh man what happened to him
>Oh yeah, had his face melted off by a spore mine
>Shoulda just let your boyfriend try anal Tifania, then maybe you'd still be alive
>Really makes you think
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>I'm Brigitte
>Things have calmed down a bit here
>I'm spending a lot of time in the hospital and the medical tents
>Talking to Sister Sara in the recovery ward a bunch, she has a lot of good stories
>Having a Living Saint around seems to help people get better
>I make sure to bless everybody as much as I can
>Sister Tamsin says that it might be mostly the "placebo effect" but I'm supposed to keep that to myself
>Asked her about 1-Ups
>She said that's not how it works
>Her expert medical opinion is for me to avoid dying as much as I can
>That makes sense to me
>I hear that they're going to turn the planet into a Shrine World like back home on Tomis
>Sounds like a lot of work, but I know we're up to it
>Things have been rough around here lately, but I know that they'll get better
Discussion thread?

Use the discord
I second discussion thread. I don't do discord. It makes sense to do a discyssion thread in between green text threads.

I think its one of the reasons our second thread was way better than the first.
I'd have to disagree with that.
Especially when there are around half of us involved with the discord
Stop trying to make Discord happen, it's not going to happen.

Disussion thread:
Well I work two jobs and go to school. I have to phone post. If you guys want to leave some of us out I cant stop you, but remember we all have different schedules.

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