Anons, I need some help.>Start working at local Burger Emperor to help pay for Schola Loans>Celestian Superior owns this one, got the job easy>Hive World so place is ALWAYS busy, get paid alright though>Grey Knight who works the grill always staring at me when I'm in the back is kind of weird but OK>Get promoted to a Team Superior a few months in, kind of stuck there now>Suddenly a McTaunolds opens up across the street>Sales drop tremendously, so does pay.>Management goes full panic mode, starts cutting people left and right.How do I make sure I'm not cut, anons? Those fucking Tau are stealing all the customers and I'm still 5k Thrones short on my loans.
>>49775105Purge them, dumbass. Let them experience the cleansing fire of the deep fat fryer.
>>49775105>Tau>On an imperial Hive WorldHave you considered burning them alive?
>>49775127>>49775131The Cannoness says we can't or else it would start too big of a war. Tempted to do it anyway.
>>49775142Just set them on fire, anon. It'll make the Emperor proud.And that sounds like a strange thing for a Canoness to worry about. Say, does she have a bluish tint to her skin? Perhaps an unusually flat, nose-less face?
>>49775239No, but we did just recover from a Tyranid assault. Numbers are down a bit.I'm gonna do it, be back soon.
>>49775329Oh...Um..Hey, I was wondering if..you know, I could um..tag along?
>>49775393Sure. Meet me over there, I'll bring the Promethium.
>>49775142>The Cannoness says we can't or else it would start too big of a war.You burn them alive then find a scapegoat to lay the blame on to appease the xenos, then you burn your canoness and pray the Emperor gives you a better boss. Keep burning xenos and finding underhive mutant scum to lay the blame on.
>>49775449Well the Cannoness WANTS to burn them it's just that the blue bastards came in right after the Tyranids attacked. Fuck that shit though omw to burn it to the ground.
Update: Fucking blueies are open 24 hours. Might be harder than it looks. Wish me luck.
Coming Soon: Kraggle Jr's Offentick Burna-broy-uld SquigburgazHuh huh. Humiez won't know what hitz em til we already got their busyness krumped! Same goez for dem blue gitz!
You guys ever eat at Strakens?I dont even think they cook the food there
>>49775600Execute their food delivery man for heresy and take his place. Then hollow out a few burger patties in the next delivery and fill them with promethium.When they cook them, kaboom! Emperor's justice delivered.
OII WENT TA GIT SUM ROAST SQUEEF SAMMICHES AT DA MORKEE'S IN DIS HUMIE TOWNAND DA GIT TELLS ME IT AIN'T A MORKEE'S, IT'S A GORK'S JRWAT DA ZOG
I work at McTaunoldsI excrete my genetic material into the Greater GoodBurgerI don't give a fuck
Sister here again. Tossed a few phosphur grenades in. Taped a Krak to the back of the building and it brought the whol thing down. I think ome of their drones saw me though, running for it. Will update soon.
>>49775715There's one down the road from here. At least there was, I think the Inquisition shut it down for something.>>49775676What would Squig evem taste like? Beef? Chicken? Soy?
Alright I got back from the McTaunolds.Cannoness sent me a text 'berating' me for being reckless. My face is all over the auspex articles but they don't have my name yet. Rumors are spreading that I was some hired skum ordered to hit the place though. Pretty sure I'm going to get some vacation out if this. Not sure about a war though.
You scrubs. The new Slaaneshi Pizza and Burger joint is where it's at.
>>49775105>In the Grim Darkness of the 41st millennium, the is still capitalism.I would have thought that Grim Dark to an American would be a socialist wellfare state?
>>49779832>>I would have thought that Grim Dark to an American would be a socialist wellfare state?Yeah, but remember that 40k is invented by Britbongs.
>>49775105>McTaunoldsYou don't live on one of THOSE kind of heretical planets where humans and xenos live in a tenuous co-existence, do you!?
I am a noble that recently arrived on the planet, I have decided to buy the McTaunolds locale.
Have you tried that Path of Service place ?The food isn't that interesting, but they are quick. They always have what I wanted coming out of the cooker just as I order it.
>>49775105A Phaeron Neskhmayt's interstellar palace of sustenance cakes just dropped from the sky on hive world. I happened to notice a group of men in long coats go to check it out, but they just came out with bags of sugar soaked bread, recaf and a twitch
I took a date to this new high-concept place that a Haemonculus set up. Apparently, each dish has a different neuroactive substance in it. Unfortunately, the combination my date picked turned out to form an aphrodisiac neurotoxin, and I had to watch him masterbate at the table until he asphyxiated. Do I rate 4 or 5 stars?
>>49775832underrated postAlso fuck you xeno
>>49775923I would imagine squig tasting similar to squid, its only one letter off
>>49775105I'm a rogue trader and I have visited that McTaunolds before. I've seen there operation and I can tell you its appalling, Their AI does whatever it feels like, The caste members have no soul and the don't even bless their instruments with the proper canticles and holy oils! I would have tipped off the local Inquistor and gotten that McTaunolds shut down for nurgle corruption but I have a large shipment of catgirls needed for the Lords of Terra pronto.
Trooper 9242 here, the 326th infantry korps regiment has found itself running out of nutri paste due to a Munitorum clerical error and now the Commissar has handed this trooper some thrones after dropping this trooper at the civilian hab block.This trooper is thoroughly confused and does not know the proper procedure to requisitioning sustenance in this unit called a 'diner'. The ratling going by rank of 'waitress' closed one of her eyes at this trooper before providing a 'menu'.Please provide instructions via vox micro bead as the ratling continues to stand at attention in close formation with this trooper.
>>49782565Ask the ratling for the extra large order of grox fries. They are an adequate meal for sutenance and will dissuade the ratling from continuing conversation.
>>49782565Trooper, you are to grab the waitress of rank "waitress" by the large fleshy protrusions on her sternum. They are what will provide you nutrient juice. You must either fill a container or drink straight from the dispenser.
>>49782650Don't do this. All Emperor Burger waitresses come armed with a digital melta. In case of this very thing. You have been warned
>>49782565>>49782650This is your Commissar, Trooper 9242 you are to go through with grabbing the nutrient dispensers. Make sure that you document it.>>49782693Don't listen to this heretic. Obviously the God-Emperor would not have provided them if they were not to be used. The ratling rank "waitress" closing one eye only at you was signaling her approval.
>>49782614Orders received and understood, waitress rank has informed this trooper her designation is "Sally" and requests this trooper refer to her by this designation. She has inquired if this trooper has any further orders and this trooper asked if the area has been swept already. Designation Sally made an unidentifiable sound which this trooper assumes to be in the affirmatory before writing down the requested ration supply on what appears to be a requisition form and handing it to a the quartermaster. Sally still continues to remain in close formation and has begun to interrogate this trooper.>>49782650>>49782693Contradictory orders, please clarify.
>>49782791This is your Commissar, obey the orders I laid out here >>49782650>>49782752
>>49781751Did he finish?>>49781774
>>49782791Cannoness Savera temporarily overriding the vox line.If you touch any of my waitresses I'll have you drawn, quartered, and placed upon a Penitent Engine. This is your only warning.
>>49775105I don't get it. Is this supposed to be some political message. I mean genestealer porn makes sense to me. This dosen't.
>>49782835Sally has returned after quartermaster informed provisions ready for consumption. This trooper will attempt manuever to acquire secondary provisions after consuming grox fries.This trooper reports unusual temperature and olfactory information that contradicts usual nurtri paste ration. Command, is this in adherance with consumption standards? Trooper unable to provide more detailed information as this trooper has no requisite experience regarding civilian grade rations.Sally continues to stay in close formation and has taken up position in this trooper's booth.
>>49782931Command, trooper requests heirarchy of authority between Comissariat and Ecclesiarchy for the purpose of carrying out contradictory orders.
>>49775329>No, but we did just recover from a Tyranid assault.OH BOY, I SURE WONDER WHAT IS GOING ON
>>49775105>McTaunoldsokay, I laughed aloud
>>49783667also, is that burger joint a goddamn drop pod?
>>49775142Why did you ask? Just offer free burgers to anyone who kills them and let it happen.
>>49783065Commissariat orders supersede those of the Ecclesiarchy trooper. Now make the emeperor proud!
keep this up guys! Waiting for this Sally situation to escalate, maybe he cannones and commissar are former lovers??? Make it happen!
>>49783904Cannoness Savera here. A Celestian squad has been sent to your location to provide you with a severe beating and to confiscate your kneecaps. You may file a formal complaint within my mailbox if you wish for them to be returned.>>49783790Since when?
>>49783033Trooper has sucessfully consumed grox fries, this trooper has now ingested sufficient nourishment for today. Ratling waitress Sally noticed this trooper's reconnaisance of her secondary nourishment storage device as she provided grox fries and reacted with an unidentified expression. This trooper notes designation Sally's reports of local and familial current events as she resumed position on Trooper's ration consumption booth, this trooper hopes that munitorum clerical error is resolved soon as civilian nourishment protocols prove difficult and unecessarily time consuming. Sally has offered 'dessert' ration. Please advice on optimal choice.
>>49783951Age of Apostasy.
>>49784144Dessert rations are rewards trooper. It is an honor to be given one. You have earned that honor
>>49784144Proceed, Trooper, this will be necessary in obtaining access to the civilian's nutritional reserves.Command requests detailed reports on designation Sally's expression on detecting the reconnaissance. This data is vital in deciding further action, including choice of dessert ration.
>>49784144>>49784144Guardsmen your regiment has been enlisted to assist the Blood Ravens chapter of the Astartes. The Chaplain has decreed that the Slaaneshi Split is the mainstay of the Emperor you will requisition that and report to your regiment for further orders.
>>49784247This trooper is not trained in facial expression identification but will attempt a detailed description. Upon detection of reconnoisance attempt, designation Sally's eyes half closed and the corners of her mouth turned upward. This trooper notes a slight reddening of her 'freckle' specced cheeks. This trooper suspects that Sally is experiencing slight heat build up (perhaps due to ration processing area's temperature?) as she has undone a few buttons of her uniform and pulled down her 'apron' unit slightly. This trooper also notes Sally tangling her finger on her red hair as well as escalating her close formation with this trooper's arm and her torso.Upon collecting exhausted ration container, this trooper reports Sally's exaggerated posterior movement as she walked back to kitchen unit to dispose of ration container. Trooper advised caution as Sally was looking at trooper with similar expression while walking on opposite direction
>>49784495Excellent work Trooper, your efforts have resulted in a vital tactical advantage. Command advises that you request the dessert ration offering the greatest concentration of the nutritional supplement 'chocolate'. When designation Sally issues the ration, you are to submit a request for a her to partake in the rations with you (normal discipline for ration consumption will be relaxed for this instance). The high concentration of simple carbohydrates and fats present in the ration should prove irresistible to the civilian.
>>49784638This trooper has requested the rations known as chocolate and requested that the ratling designated Sally consume them. This trooper reports that Sally responded with a strange noise. This trooper rquests information on if this is expected response or evidence of Xenos contamination.
>>49785014Trooper, that noise that designation Sally made is most likely a civilian vocalization expressing emotion labeled happiness and/or surprise. Continue execution of previous order.
>>49785014Better kill her just to be on the safe side.
>>49784638This trooper has made an inquiry on available 'chocolate' rations as instructed. Due to reported temperature issues displayed by Sally, this trooper has requested something with low temperature with a serving size suitable for two consumers. Sally has reccomended 'ice cream' and this trooper has deferred to civilian's experience for appropriate ration. Sally has returned with large bowl of 'ice cream' which the trooper notes to have a similar texture as nutri paste only slightly thicker consistency and different temperatre. Sally regrets to inform this trooper that there is only one spoon and we will have to consume dessert ration with only one cutlery tool. Daisy insists on feeding this trooper but notes that she sometimes only consume half spoonful of ration before serving this trooper. This trooper notes further escalation of close formation in booth with compression levels similar to that of gorgon armored personnel carrier.
>>49785041Not me, sorry for late updates though as phoneposting is the devil.
>>49785167This is commissar cadet Welsh. Requesting detailed information on Sally's brea... I mean secondary ration dispensers.
>>49785547This trooper notes size proportional to two rebreather units worth, the secondary ration dispensers yield quite easily as they press against this trooper's arm, this trooper has also noticed some freckles during the brief flash as she bent down to place the 'ice cream' ration container on the table.Vox operator, this unit would like to inquire about the security of this network as multiple users seem to have relative ease of access.
Rogue Trader Jean-Luc Montaigne D'Dijon DiGiorno Baccarat here. I believe this archaeotech image rendering should adequately convey the emotions currently at play within my cranium in regards to the "Sally" you've been so effluviently describing.
>>49785645Vox operator reporting. The communication center is currently at ultra low volume traffic. Superiors are in state of "boredom." They are listening closely to all reports. Network is secure.
>>49785167Trooper, Command advises that you should engage in close quarters action with the civilian to further facilitate your objective. Cogitator estimates predict compression equivalent to a Chimera APC occupied by an Ogryn Auxiliary squad at full strength should be sufficient to achieve your objective. Tactical doctrine suggests placing your arm around the civilian's torso will assist in this end, placing a firm grip on designation Sally's pelvis (refer to your Primer's section on knife fighting techniques as an approximate guide to your grip).
>>49785781This trooper would like to report an update of the situation. Sally has taken a sideways mounted position on this trooper's lap and has comandeered the exclusive use of the spoon. Sally still continues to first consume only half a spoonful of 'ice cream' before presenting the other half to this trooper. As per krieg cultural norm this trooper has resisted Sally's attempts to comletely divest this trooper of of its rebreather unit in its entierty. Sally has proved virtuous in ensuring none of the specialized ration goes to waste by licking the accidental dSpillage off the side of this trooper's mouth, but notes the her clumsiness due to the increasing occurances of said spillage.
>>49786196Trooper, this is a command level emergency update. Disregard command issued here >>49786093. New inquiry, ask civilian Sally when her watch ends. If time is within one and a half planetary hours or less, inquire if Sally would like you to escort her back to her hab block. Report on answers.
>>49786286Seconded. Priority is now to escort the ratling designation Sally to her hab quarters. To ensure the safety of secondary nutrition supplies.
>>49786286Command, this trooper would like to follow up on scheduled centaur personnel carrier pickup. This trooper has already finished evening ration consumption and while Sally has mentioned having something sweeter for this trooper to consume were this trooper to wait at the end of her duty hours (approx 0.50 planetary hours from now). This trooper has reported the need to return to base. Sally has informed this trooper that she can be approached if this trooper changes his mind at said time.Trooper has already contacted transport division but request has been denied due to emergency maintainance. Without pickup this trooper will be stranded on civilian hab block for the evening.Please send alternate pick up.
>>49775142Canoness is a heretic, burn her undoubtedly blueberry pie in the cleansing fryers
>>49786477Trooper this is command. Centaur pickup will not be available until 0600 planetary time tomorrow. Current orders are to wait for Sally to finish her watch and accompany her to her individual hab. Supplementary orders are as follows: Civilian designation Sally may be interested in act of "Intercourse" as described in Imperial primer. If trooper engages in such with Sally remember to follow all sections s of your handbook and primer pertinent to such. This may require removal of uniform, Command has granted dispensation for you to do so until pickup at 0600 tomorrow. May the God Emperor bless.
>>49786477Trooper, Have you been disregarding previous vox-transmissions? Command repeats, you are to escort Sally to her designated hab quarters. Be advised that if you are invited inside for recaf, recaf may be substituted for other services. This is considered normal among civilians, and is not cause for alarm.
>>49778679>40 minutesThat better be a great pizza and/or burger.
>>49786477Trooper, Hive cities can be dangerous areas for lone civilians to travel through. You are to do your duty and protect Imperial citizens from those who would harm loyal servants of the Emperor.Escort designation Sally to her hab block.
Got some more competition.
>>49786623>>49786695Command, Trooper with serial number 326-7126-1741-1-9242 of the infantry korps. This trooper will adhere to orders as received but would remind command that this trooper has no training nor clearance for 'intercourse' as per krieg eugenics mandate, please be reminded of restrictions given to this trooper to avoid accidental disobedience of existing mandate. Sally has already latched to this trooper and will accompany her back to her hab block as instructed but will require clearance and further insructions.
>>49786872Clearance for act designated "intercourse" is granted. Krieg eugenics mandate exits for safeguarding the quality of the korps, not civilian genepool. You would be doing your duty to continue the success of the Imperium by enhancing the genepool.
>>49786872Understood, Trooper.Escort Civilian Sally to her hab block as instructed, ensuring any threats encountered en-route are dealt with firmly, but with minimum necessary force. Provide an updated report when you arrive at the Civilian's hab block as to the civilian's disposition, and especially any invitations to consume recaf together.
>>49786872Trooper your worries have been noted and logged. Command grants further clearance for topics listed: "Intercourse", "Foreplay" and "Post Intercourse physical closeness". Further allowances made for two persons in a single bed, possible extra noise coming from hab and "Goodbye Kiss."If you feel you violate any further mandates in the act of "Intercourse" with civilian designated Sally report them to command after pickup and a commissar will review your case.
>>49786872Inquisitor Avreland of the Ordo Hereticus speaking, referred to this vox-channel by way of keyword detection: intercourse. Do remember to use protection and ensure the act of intercourse is in a safe area free from any Slaaneshi artifacts, symbolism, actions, or other demonic taint. Remember: your innocence proves nothing. Any step from the path of the Emperor is a plunge off the cliffs of heresy, and we shall be waiting.
>>49786903>>49786958>>49786975>>49787120Clearance noted to data slate cogitator+++Blessed are the recollections of the past for in them we find tomorrow's victory+++This trooper has escorted Sally and neutralized gangers nonlethally, two blocs later and this trooper has encountered arbites designate Patroclus. Requested arbites to perform 100 push ups due to poor security of his sector. Will report any progress or complications when necessary.
>>49787426Trooper, this is an order from high command: You are to inform designate Sally that you might lose track of your position as a result of looking into her eyes.This is not an actual risk, do not avoid eye contact.
This trooper has arrived at Sally's hab unit with no further complications. Sally has offered this trooper recaff as predicted by command's excemplary logis calculations and this trooper has accepted. Unfortunately shortly after entering her unit, Sally regrets to inform this trooper that her recaf cogitator has experienced malfunction and we shall need to 'make it by hand', this trooper has informed her of his inexperience with making recaf due to usual 5% frenzon ration soluble capsules used by this users regiment as a substitute. Sally once again adopted same expression earlier and informed this trooper that she will be more than willing to provide guidance.Sally is now pressing her secondary ration container against this troopers chest. This trooper is confused as this does not seem to have any logical contribution to the manufacture of recaff. When questioned about this topic, Sally comments that she needs this troopers help getting the recaff warmed up.This trooper is thoroughly confused, please advice.
>>49788050High command, this is trooper 9242 reporting result of instructions. Sally has increased pressure against this trooper while exhibiting notable increase in respiration.
>>49788107>>49788144Trooper. Inform Sally that you will be happy to warm up the decade with her. Do not actually leave to find recaf. Fully remove your respirator then place your lips upon hers and then follow what Sally does, command cannot provide detailed guidance due to civilian idiosyncrasies. Also place your hands on her lower rear body, also know as "Ass" and proceed to squeeze them in a soft motion similar to molding detplas. Report on reactions if possible.
TROOPER. THIS IS CANNONESS SAVERA.WAITRESS SALLY IS STILL AT THE EMPEROR BURGER. I REPEAT, WAITRESS SALLY IS STILL HERE. THE ENTITY YOU ARE WITH IS NOT SALLY.
>>49788303Command, Reporting probably psyker aptitude on designation Sally. This trooper is concerned as Sally seemed to know exactly what this trooper's tactics were before this trooper could finish removing its respirator. Sally informed this trooper that she has forgotten the taste of chocolate and would like assistance remembering. Shortly after, Sally has secured the initiative and pressed her lips against this trooper's very own. Her request seems truthful as she is apparently trying to extract 'chocolate' remnants from this trooper's mouth cavity with her tongue. This trooper followed orders and initiated maneuvers with Sally's posterior. Please note the firm yet giving qualities of aforementioned posterior. Upon initiation, Sally has intensified her attempts to acquire 'chocolate' remnants. Please send apologies to Quartermaster 326-Rho-Delta in advance as this trooper's standard issue trousers have become drenched in some sort of fluid emanating from Sally's crotch area after she has begun grinding against them.
>>49788856>>49788858Trooper, under no circumstances are you to remove said any fatigues - regardless of fluid contamination - in the presence of "Sally". Continue updates on the situation and attempt to exfiltrate the premises at the earliest possible opportunity and report to a senior officer at once; the Ordo Xenos has been informed of a possible jeanstealer presence on your world, and will require samples from both yourself and your fatigues. The Emperor protects.sorry not sorry
>>49788858Trooper ignore commands not coming from this channel. Designation Sally will be checked for psyker aptitude at a following date. Continue ministrations to Sally's posterior with one hand. Move the other down to her pelvic area to find the source of the leak. Remain slow and gentle as you do not want to startle her. If the leak is found use your fingers to find the extent of the leak. If your trousers are contaminated you or Sally may need to remove them.
>>49788858>>49788968COUNTERMAND THAT, Trooper!This is Lord Inquisitor Tyrosus Lafel! You must continue your actions with entity Sally, the research reports could be extremely invaluable to countering the actions of xenos or DAEMONS in the future!PRESS ON FOR THE EMPEROR, TROOPER.
>>49788856>>49788968Inquisitor Avreland here. Seconding this order, standing by with additional support in the case that this shapechanging taint is revealed to be of a demonic nature, rather than that of a xenos.Let the Emperor's light guide you from your basest urges and toward the path of salvation.
>>49789028Inquisitor Avreland here. Countermanding my previous orders, proceed as the Lord Inquisitor advises. May the Emperor have mercy on you.
>>49789053Butt out, Averland! You shall not halt my studies!Trooper! Ignore this one's orders, your continued work shall protect the citizens of the Emperor and solidify your loyalty to Him on Terra!
>>49779832>>49779958Depends on the planet. Hive worlds could be oppressive socialist welfare states or oppressive megacapitalist corporatocracies.
>>49789024Command, this is trooper 9242, Designation Sally has removed this trooper's purity seal protected greatcoat with no adverse effects. This trooper has investigated the source of the leak and would like to report high pitched noise from Sally after probing with this trooper's fingers. Sally proceeded to turn around and exhibit the back of her chest strap for inspection requesting removal. Please advise, this Trooper does not know the template and procedure for undoing such a device.>>49789028Affirmative, proceeding. May the Emperor have mercy on this trooper's worthless soul.
>>49789028>>49789069Deferring to the command and judgment of the Lord Inquisitor alongside Avreland. Note that, although an overzealous approach may jeopardize the balance of the current situation, it is imperative that "Sally" be disrobed at the earliest possible opportunity to examine her body for any daemonic or xenos taint.
>>49789115Just loosen the straps as you would a standard backpack strap only smaller. I think that's how those things work...And fret not soldier! I already have a squad of Scions readying themselves in the hab block's lobby. The Emperor's Light shall bless your passage!
>>49789115Trooper, the device should be removable by pressing the two ends roughly in the middle of her back together using both your hands. They should slide apart. As the item of clothing slides of move your hands around to her secondary nutrient carriers. Use the same procedure as used on her posterior on her secondary nutrient carriers. Two small nubs should eventually develop on the nutrient carriers, these normally secrete nutrients but pinching them gently should create designation "pleasure" for Sally. Command also advises gently biting Sally's ear and observing reaction.
>>49789163>>49789174>>49789163Removal of rear chest strap successful, Sally has turned to face this trooper and presented her secondary ration containers for inspection. Command, please note that this is apparently a part of her natural physiology and not some sort of instrument. This trooper reports two nubs at the center of each secondary ration dispenser which exhibits a ruby color comparable to that of the Mk XIV turbo discharge hellgun's beams when fired on the lowest setting. This trooper has attempted examining Sally's ear cavity with his tongue while operating aforementioned nubs like the RoF latches of M36 lasgun. Sally is currently displaying further intensity of respiration while gripping this trooper's wrists. Please advice if this trooper should cease operation of nubs.
>>49789270Continue operation on one nub, however attempt to extract nutrients using your mouth on the other, You must be quite gentle in doing so to avoid damaging the nub itself. Resume holding 'Sally's' posterior with your newly freed hand.
>>49789270Magos Biologos Esperian here; designation Sally's dispensers must be prepped before use. Continue stimulation of one nub with one hand and use your mouth to complete the procedure on the other.
Inquisitor Kricho here - I hope my comrades already here do not make my presence redundant, but I was summoned by a concerned member of your command staff here: >>49788968 Said officer will now be processed and questioned over the source of information that had allowed them to deduce the possibility of jeanstealer infestation; in the meantime, it would be advisable to inspect Sally's body, particularly her secondary nutrient carriers and posterior. Although signs of daemonic influence are likely visible to the naked eye, detection of possible xenos taint will require gustatory analysis. Any exposed flesh should do; however, the nutrient carrier nubs and other sensitive areas (which will be identifiable by "Sally's" reaction to any contact with them) will provide best results.
Dammit this vox was so active what happened, did we seitch channels i couldnt find it on channel designated as /qst/
>>49789407Gustatory examination initiated, this trooper begun with her left nub by flicking it with this trooper's tongue before thinking better of it and checking for other more easily concealed locations. Magos please note that Sally produced sound similar to lasgun low energy alert. This trooper then proceeded to raise Sally's left arm while continuing to tweak her right nub and then performed exmanitation of her armpit. Please note produced sound similar to plasmagun emergency cooling followed by gripping on this trooper's hair. Sally's body seems to have stiffened on initiation so trooper performed prolonged examination to ensure no deception is being made. Shortly afterwards, Sally proceeded to drip more viscous fluid from the slit in her crotch. Please advice on interpretation to reaction.
>>49789407Inquisitor Avreland here- in my experience, demonic taint can often be detected through tactile/gustatory analysis of the primary exterior genitalia. Unsure of applicability to xenos detection, please advise?If advised to be a proper course of action, proper analysis may require removal of all undergarments present on lower body.
>>49789516Sally is experiencing designation "pleasure." Remove any clothing she has on her lower body and examine her lower pelvic area for leakage. Recommend tasting any leakage found thoroughly.
>>49789588Affirmative, removing Sally's skirt, please note thin fabric worn over her crotch colored blue and white stripes with ruby ribbon (similar to that of Senior-Commissar Lissala's), perhaps designation sally is former imperial guard? Unsure, as this trooper has no information regarding standard issue kit of series 2 operatives. This trooper reports making Gustatory examniation of her belly, please note slight excess of body fat (possible inherent in ratling females magos please verify?). This trooper has begun inspecting Sally's navel with his tongue and reports increased frequency of high pitched noises. Trooper has also removed crotch covering and stored in pocket for further studies. Please note that fabric is extremely moist.Upon questioning Sally when recaff will come, Please note response of "twice already" possible coded message? Please advice.
>>49789515Shut up Sergeant, we're listening to smutIMEANWE'RE GOING THROUGH INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT STUDIES INTO THE ENEMIES OF MAN.CARRY ON, TROOPER.
>>49789549Inquisitor Kricho has instructed me to inform you that xenos identification can be conducted through generally similar means, although in particular interaction (albeit gently) with an easily identifiable tactile nub present amongst said genitalia.>>49789588Seconding advice, as gustatory analysis of said leakage is also instrumental in identification of any possible taint. If the fluid is that of a human, it will be harmless; taste should be reported and further samples should be sought. If it is that of a xeno, cultist, or shapeshifting daemon...you have served your Emperor well, Trooper.
>>49789717Inquisitor Kricho has ordered no such thing, and is actively seeking a certain impersonator operating on this vox channel.
>>49789704Magos Esperian here; lasgun sounds from designation Sally noted.Minor excess bodyfat in ratling females is common. The female is likely well fed and healthy.Continue with your examination, upon eliciting a reaction from the female you must continue with the same pace and motion so as to fully study how it affects the ratling.
>>49789821Affirmative, This trooper ceased analysis of Sally's navel after high pitched noise. This trooper will now begin scrutiny of Sally's crotch area. Please note fine hairs on Sally's crotch color same red as her hair, smells faintly of sweat and some other unidentified substance. Sally's legs seem to lack balance (please note similar above average fat deposits) as they quiver slightly this trooper is unsure of significance but will provide support for now. Sally seems to have suddenly ceased respirating when trooper's face is leveled to her crotch. Continuing olfactory examination for sixty seconds before proceeding with initial gustatory examination.
>>49789705Sweet. field promotions are the best
>>49790124Designating our names here may be of use. Carry on.>>49789977Continue your examination until such time that 'Sally' excretes the full brunt of secondary nutrients, and afterwards follow her orders within probable reason. Remember, a squad of Scions is prepared below in case of heretical exposure.A secondary squad should soon be landing on tip of the hab block, and they are being fed a vox line directly from your reports. In case they need... direct information.
>>49790216Your Lordship, this trooper would like to report a sudden squirt of fluid upon initiation of contact between Sally's slit and this trooper's tongue. Her legs have begun to wobble to the point where Sally is no longer capable of supporting her own weight. This trooper has deemed putting Sally in the prone position with her posterior region held up to grant access for the purpose of this trooper's continued inquiries. Please note that Sally has appeared to begin leaking saliva from her mouth. This trooper will continue to probe the inner recesses of Sally's crotch before partaking of her oral fluid. Note that Sally has folded her legs up and is now balancing on her knees as this trooper continues to increase the intensity of its gustatory examination.
Due to the apparent lack of daemonic or xeno taint, I would like to launch an inquiry as to how many workers with the designation "Sally" work at the diner. It could be a possibility that the Cannoness Severa may have been mistaken.
>>49790216Seconding the orders of the Lord Inquisitor. Please note that an individual unit of either sex can be dispatched, should 'Sally' require multiple units for proper handling.>>49789717>>49789743Kricho? Please repeat, which of you is Inquisitor Kricho? Should neither of you be able to prove your veracity, I shall be forced to assume this heretical impersonation has spread far further than a simple(though quite intriguing, purely scientifically) waitress.
>>49790382Questioning a Sister is a dangerous proposition at the best of times. You may wish to hold those orders until such time as the engagement has concluded, one way or another.
>>49790320Good, good, the fluid signifies that Sally's biological components are performing as intended. Continue your examination.It is worth noting that you have the full backing of both Scion Sergeants, both of whom are vocally in support of your efforts.>>49790382I have noticed as such as well. A third squad of Scions shall be deployed to the Emperor Burger establishment to question the Cannoness
>>49790320Trooper. this is the Magos.A deeper examination is needed. Insert your index finger into the females cavity and rotate your wrist to have your palm face skyward. Next, probe the area along the top of the passage, there should be a spot slightly rougher than the rest.When you've located this spot, gently stimulate it with your finger. This will elicit a response from the female, the severity of which is needed for documentation.
Holy shit what the fuck is going on.
>>49790519The personnel on this vox-channel have simply followed the course of events you set out to their logical conclusion.
>>49790519Funny smut, apparently. I kinda wanted to know what happened at the Burger Emperor though.
>>49790519>>49790539Heresy, no doubt. Of one form or another.
>>49790537>>49790539I mean I'm Tyrosus too but holy shit. This has gotten way more Slaaneshi than I thought it would.Let's keep going.Oh and the original SoB blew up the McTaunolds but I was too autistic to make it work right after that. Props to the Trooper for keeping this going.
>>49790519I tell you wut bubba, I ain't got no clue what these here people er sayin' but I dos understan "slit" an "tounge".>>49790320Git em boy!
>>49790418Apologies for the earlier confusion - the vox operator allegedly transmitting on my behalf has now been dealt with, and his heretical materials disposed of. I am also in full agreement that is in the interests of all parties involved to postpone the investigation of the Emperor Burger outlet until the present situation has ended.However, the Magos [ >>49790493 ]currently casting on this vox-channel has shown a remarkable knowledge of testing procedures thought to be known only to the Inquisition; thus, I would request that the third squad of scions be instead requisitioned to investigate this.>>49790519Citizen, please remain calm. As soon as the suspected jeanstealer and/or chaos infestation has been dealt with, further inquisitorial agents will be dispatched to deal with the xenos establishment competing with your own.In seriousness? I have no idea, but this is a delightfully glorious derailment. Oh well.
>>49790493Trooper 9242 has proceeded with secondary phase of experiment. This trooper notes a rough and spongy mass found on coordinates female cavity. Please note that Sally has reacted by arcing her back and sticking her tongue out. This trooper has taken this opportunity to investigate fluid leaking from her mouth and has come to the conclusion that it is ordinary saliva albeit tasting slightly of 'chocolate'. This trooper attempted to stop but Sally has requested this trooper's continued cooperation. This trooper has also begun gustatory inspection of red nubs and has noticed the excretion of fluid when this trooper used his mouth for suction. Sally is now clutching to this trooper's probing arm with her legs. Please note powerful grip despite poor balance and motor control.
[s]Am I the only one who realizes that Sally's heard every last word the Trooper has spoken into his vox unit?[/s]
>>49790590I have heard of stranger forms of foreplay.
>>49790590This trooper is sub-vocalizing via implanted microbead.
tfw want to get involved because this is hilarious but I know fuck-all about 40k
>>49790602please elaborate - all in the name of research, of course
mfw afterwards the trooper tells Sally that this was all under orders and that he was sub-vocalising the entire thing, leading to her new-found exhibitionism fetish
>>49790635The most notable was the secretive mating habits of Tyranids.Records of said habits were, under my orders, destroyed completely and utterly for the sake of avoiding a heretical incident.The Eldar also seem to have strange habits, if one of my subordinates is to be trusted.
>>49790579Inquisitor, this Magos is of the Biologis school of study. I specialize in ab-humans such as this ratling female, designation Sally, and as such have an in depth knowledge of their biology.I know not of these techniques to which you refer and am simply guiding this trooper towards the most sensitive areas of the subject.>>49790589This reaction is within the standard deviation determined by the Adeptus Mechanicus' own experiments. Continue with the examination until the female experiences another spike in activity.
>>49790589This trooper would like to report that Sally has gone limp. After ascertaining Sally's well being using this trooper's medicae training, this trooper finds that Sally is merely exhausted. This trooper has provided her with water to replenish lost body fluid before setting her to retire for the night in preparation for tomorrow's 'diner' unit duties. This trooper reports that Sally has refused this trooper's attempts to acquire rest on the floor and insists this trooper share her bunk. This trooper requests centaur extraction to be rescheduled to 0700 tomorrow at sector 7-A as Sally requests this trooper share morning rations with her with promises of actual recaff being kept this time around. Command, please note that this Trooper shall be ready for next dispatch by regulation time of 0730, please prepare next operation by then. This trooper will also note recalling some latent memories from production bunker 1741 after tasting Sally's secondary ration dispenser fluid. This trooper is willing to accept mind wipe if Command deems it necessary. Please, send chocolate ration to this Trooper's mother unit 1741-2-67B if still functioning.Trooper 326-7126-1741-1-9242 signing out.++Guard the key, for the key is the gate. He who giveth life, holdeth life. May his grip be firm++
>>49790579Understood. Praise the Emperor, at least one of our problems is dealt with.I do fully agree that this Magos' knowledge is suspicious, at the least. I fully support the dispatchment of a third squad of Scions- if confirmation is not received from the Lord Inquisitor in four posts' time, I shall dispatch them on my own authority, with the reminder that supposed "innocence" is proof of nothing.>>49790567You're lucky that you spoilered that damnable name, citizen. You'd do well to be more careful in the future.>>49790590You may wish to get your vocal systems checked out, citizen. There seemed to be a slight error in your last transmission.
>>49790603Trooper are you following the guidlines of the Uplifting Primer and using protection? If you require protection the Catachans Serving alongside this regiment have stated that a Lasgun will serve as such.
There hasnt been a better use for this picture yet
>>49790667A likely story. We shall see, quite soon.
So who screencapped this?
>>49790670Well done, Trooper. My Administratum scribes are looking into sending the chocolate ration to your mother unit. Your report shall provide great insight into mysteriously heretical or xenological incursions. The questioning of Cannoness Savera shall go forward to determine the validity of either in this situation.Your extraction has been planned and recorded, and a Inquisitorial escort shall arrive at the allotted time. You have been of great service to the Emperor today, and in the words of one of my Scion Sergeants,"Nice"
>>49790724Perhaps if I shared with you my research into ab-human female biology and mating habits you would see the truth in my claims.Or would you prefer to inspect my lab in person? Now would be a good time, I have a felinid experiment in its preparation stage.
>>49790786Trooper 9242 providing low resolution pict capture of designation Sally.
>>49790820Praise the Omnissiah, this will be very useful to my research.
>>49790786I appreciate your transparency, and would find such an opportunity edifying indeed. I shall dispatch myself, alongside the detachment of Scions. Kricho, care to join me? Perhaps this goes deeper than a ratling girl at a diner.>>49790820A striking ratling girl at a diner though she may be. Your diligence in assembling a complete report is to be commended, no matter the final outcome of this event. The Imperium needs more people like you, soldier.
My Scion detachment has concluded the questioning of Cannoness Savera.Apparently, our Ratling Waitress has a biological twin, and her antics here were an attempt to shirk her work hours in favor of making her own 'investigation' of Trooper 9242.Proper disciplinary action has been deployed to Savera and the Ratling's twin, however I shall leave Sally with a verbal warning to be given from her sister.I do hope that you shall continue to send information gathered from these reports to my office, Magos. As well as your own reports, Avreland, Kricho.My vox channel shall remain open for such reports.
>>49790879Certainly, Inquisitor - although I warn that my contribution to the inspection will be perfunctory at best, as there are other matters nearby to attend to; a xenos establishment in competition with the holy Burger Emperor is quite easily a threat of equal severity to the infestation we had suspected.
>>49791013>>49791037Fellow Inquisitors, I do have a thought. Have we considered the exact provenance of the "meat" on offer at these filthy xenos eateries? I fear there may be some connection here- the ratings and feline abhuman variants do tend to breed in unrecorded numbers, after all.I may not be an expert on the xenos menace, but cannibalism and other such heresies are well within my wheelhouse. I would step carefully, my fellows.
>>49790216Thank you sir it is always a pleasure to serve the imperium
>>49791144I shall collect samples from these xeno eateries to compare against my own records.
>>49791144I have directed my subordinates to look fully into this 'McTaunolds'. Despite the one in proximity to Savera's establishment being recently destroyed, there are reports of numerous others popping up throughout that Hive alone. Some I have ordered to be demolished, but those that remain shall provide all the insight we need into how exactly they are going about this.The possibility of them spreading such disgusting Heresy is worth their destruction alone. The Tau have been allowed a small foothold, and it is time to throw them off completely.
>>49791302Lord inquisitor sir i have a proposal. I under careful examination pose as a customer and buy one of their meals. And under watchful eyes shall deliver the meal to our commisar for consumption and we shall monitor him for signs of taint be it warp or other mutations
Oh dear Emprah please tell me this got archived somewhere.
>>49791943The Emperor provides. Have faith, for no worthy material escapes the eyes of the archivists.
>>49791912Attempting to use an Inquisitorial Investigation for personal gain, in this case the possible killing of your Commissar, is a reprehensible offense that could be punished with your execution.However, your eagerness has been noted, so I will allow you to consume the alien meat and be observed for adverse effects. My Scions shall arrive soon to escort you to a chosen establishment.
>>49791956Thank you sir, I was given the honor of listening to the investigation, and when this is properly archived I'd like to request for a link to the location of said investigation.I'd also like to request for a copy of the recording of the investigation for personal use. I have upcoming exams for potential Inquisitorhood.
>>49791969I understand sir and shall definitely not enjoy the meal i will be consuming
>>49792084Ah, a new candidate! Well, in the interest of your best interests, I shall establish and promulgate a recap dossier within my report as soon as I return to my unit. I'm no archivist, but an Inquisitor stands with their own.
>>49792453Thank you sir.... If it's not too much to ask, may I inquire as to whether situations similar to that Troopers "investigation" are common? It has awoken a curiosity that I never knew before.
>>49792723They happen any time we deem fit.Yes, including those times.
>>49792723Do keep that curiosity restrained, recruit. Do you know why this occasion required the attentions of three Inquisitors, a Sister Canoness, and an array of command officers? The situation itself is rife with potential for heresy- and our friend who was lucky enough to experience it may not have even come out unscathed, though he did everything correctly, Emperor be praised.Keep your urges calmed, candidate, and may the Emperor guide you through such... lusts unscathed.
>>49792840And a Magos, don't forget the Magos.
Bumping to see if anyone is better with the archeotech art of "screencapping" than me. I cannot into decent crops, and this thread must be preserved in the great annals of the Imperium.
>>49793732I could never! Apologies, Magos. I owe you a double Emprahburger.
>>49792084Investigation successfully archived. Link below:http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/49775105/++The seed of heresy rests in the minds of reasonable men++
>>49795432Was this really necessary?
>>49775105Fucking mortals, disgusting.
>>49775105>implying you arn't just keeping shit away from filthy xenos