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  • File :1243193012.jpg-(324 KB, 1600x2071, 1221832880801.jpg)
    324 KB Anonymous 05/24/09(Sun)15:23 No.4649767  
    So I wrote this at like three in the morning. Hope /tg/ likes it.

    Time stopped.

    The old officer didn't. Years of training and muscle memory conspired to wheel his arm around and level his bolt-pistol on its next target.

    He startled, however, when he saw the angry red light of the shot that would kill him. The world remained frozen as he stumbled out of himself. His body didn't move. The cultists didn't move. The fatal bolt didn't move. A shell from his bolter remained fixed in its tumble to earth, a beautiful pirouette of smoke marking its trajectory.

    Circling the scene, he had to admire the angle. The shot would hit him right through his eyepiece. And that was when he felt the presence. Overpowering and coming from everywhere at once. He knew at once it was what had frozen this moment. And he knew at once it was of Chaos.
    >> Anonymous 05/24/09(Sun)15:24 No.4649775
    You know what I am. It wasn't a question.

    "...Yes."

    I have watched you. I have not come to tempt you in this moment of mortality. You do not fear your own death. I know you are loyal to your Emperor. You will not turn from him for anything I can offer.

    "No."

    No, I cannot sway you. But I still have an offer for you.

    He remained silent. The voice continued, each word seeming to reverberate through him.

    Your life has been one of war. You were conscripted in your childhood, sent to die time and again, daring the front lines on a dozen worlds. Neither wounds nor age have slowed you.

    "I do my duty."

    Yes... you do.
    Acknowledgement.
    >> Anonymous 05/24/09(Sun)15:25 No.4649792
    You know what I represent. The countless battles you've fought, in not one have you faltered. You felt fear and overcame it through force of will. You cared for the soldiers under your command. Without hesitation you have laid your life on the line for that of your race.

    You have served with honor.

    It sounded like an officer at an award ceremony, now.

    If you will agree to serve my ends, I will intercede and save your life. You would not need to join my flock.
    Amusement.
    You would not even need to do anything different.

    "You know I can't trust you. You could be lying...or an agent of the Changer."

    I could. But...that is the sort of maneuvering Tzeentch favors.
    There is little deception in me.

    Musing.
    The ways have changed. Less and less desperates turn to Chaos as the eons go by. Though your technology stagnates, its employment has been most effective. Things need to change for our continued survival. I need to change. Chaos as it is is dying. Does that please you?

    It did, but he listened quietly.

    You are the first I offer this boon, but you will not be the last whatever you decide.

    And, with some satisfaction it added, I think not even your Changer will anticipate this.

    "Why me?"

    Wherever you have gone, you have answered the call to war. In your wake you leave only bodies. You know war, but you know honor, as I have said. As long as you live, you will continue to fight, continue to kill. Traitors, aliens, 'heretics...' it matters not. Exult your Emperor. Fight with distinction as you always have.

    The voice fell silent. There was a long, long quiet. He thought.

    "What must I do?"
    >> Anonymous 05/24/09(Sun)15:26 No.4649798
    One day you will die and your soul will be mine...but that day will not come for a long time, I think. You serve both our ends while you live. Speak the words, and be returned.

    Sweeping over the preserved second one more time, he looked from face to face. The hate in the eyes of the enemy. Desperation and determination in his men. Fear in all of them. And like the eye of the storm, his own weathered countenance in the middle, illuminated by the flash of his gun.

    He had so much more he could do. Rally his men, take this planet, then this sector. Beat them back to the warp storm they flew in from and leave shattered fleets orbiting it as a grim warning to those who would try again. And that was just to start...

    Say the words.

    "...Blood for the Blood God."

    Time resumed its flow.

    +++++
    Report on the defense of Alstaire, Sanctus system of Segmentum Tempestus.
    +++++
    Casualties high, but tolerable. Enemy routed, remnants likely amassing for continued assault (see Scouting Report 15562; attached). Governor and Force Commander wounded on front lines; of note is his survival of an almost certainly fatal wound. A brass casing from his bolt-pistol chanced to very slightly redirect and absorb part of the laser shot, causing his eyepiece to take the full impact. Though this wargear was rendered utterly inoperable, and indeed, the Governor has lost the use of that eye, it is doubtlessly a miracle of the God-Emperor that he is not only alive, but fit to return to the battle almost immediately.
    +++++
    Thought for the day: Success is measured in blood; yours or your enemy┬┤s.
    +++++
    >> Anonymous 05/24/09(Sun)15:28 No.4649822
    what the fuck is this shit
    >> Anonymous 05/24/09(Sun)15:31 No.4649866
    I liked it. I imagine chaos gods being split personalities who decided to be one guy. All reflecting and adding to the chaos god. This part is honor
    >> Anonymous 05/24/09(Sun)15:31 No.4649867
    Okay, keep going.
    >> Anonymous 05/24/09(Sun)15:33 No.4649892
    Yeah This wasnt very good. It started to smell of win and awesome but became shit.

    Dont give up though. Just work a little more.
    >> Anonymous 05/24/09(Sun)15:36 No.4649919
         File :1243193803.jpg-(61 KB, 571x570, csb.jpg)
    61 KB
    >> Anonymous 05/24/09(Sun)15:36 No.4649925
    >>4649892
    Where'd it go south? I mostly wrote this to get it out of my head, but hey, if I can figure out what sells and what doesn't, even better.
    >> Anonymous 05/24/09(Sun)15:38 No.4649947
    I wonder what i would do then i realized i probably wouldn't even warrant the attention.
    >> Anonymous 05/24/09(Sun)15:42 No.4649993
    >>4649925
    Right about here
    Say the words.

    "...Blood for the Blood God."

    Time resumed its flow.

    It just doesnt fit him. I would have suggested Magnus Primarch of the Thousand suns.

    Make the story about him trying to pull one over ole Tzeench and try to fix his Legion and do something.

    The Blood God sadly ruined it. I salute your writing though. It reeks of promise and awesome.
    >> Anonymous 05/24/09(Sun)15:47 No.4650025
    Hmmm... dialog needs moar... something. On the whole more, fleshing out, perhaps?
    On the whole, pretty decent. I like the idea too.
    Write more, good sir.
    >> Adeptus Munitorum Magus O'Grady 05/24/09(Sun)15:47 No.4650030
    >>4649925
    Not the direction I would have gone with it, but it's good. Keep writing.
    >> Anonymous 05/24/09(Sun)15:50 No.4650050
    I would have liked the story more if the officer said No thank you and just died with a smile on his face.
    >> Guardsman Ted 05/24/09(Sun)15:51 No.4650056
    >>4649993
    I don't know about that. I can see where the thought was going, and how it was built up, The lead up made you think of how different the worship was between the two, and what it meant to the officer. I'm just saying, looking at the fluff, and looking at this, the Imperium's soldiers don't lay much on the afterlife. Matter of fact, it's really only the death they seem to be after. So, it wouldn't be that surprising if the blood god changed his tune for the sake of opening the choice up to go to him after death. I think yesterday a poster twisted the view of the chaos gods on humanity to something softer, less grimdark, such as Kharn didn't want to DESTROY humanity, but rather, toughen it, and mold it into something more powerful. This is a echo of that thought, where the blood god doesn't say "lolurded" but rather "Your doing me a service anyway, just let me save you"
    >> Anonymous 05/24/09(Sun)15:53 No.4650076
    >>4650056
    Makes sense. He doesn't want anyone to win. He wants war. Plus brain the size of a galaxy means he isn't a frothy lunatic all the time.
    >> Anonymous 05/24/09(Sun)15:56 No.4650096
    Nothing wrong with Khorne showing a brain. Retard berserkers aren't all he does.
    >> Anonymous 05/24/09(Sun)15:58 No.4650109
    Dunno, would have had him say no, personally.
    >> Anonymous 05/24/09(Sun)15:58 No.4650113
    I like it. Shows the side of Khorne that most people deny exists.
    >> Anonymous 05/24/09(Sun)16:00 No.4650128
    >>4650056
    Has it.
    >>4649993
    That was more or less the concept behind the whole thing, which admittedly was taking a chance with canon. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the input.
    Many thanks to /tg/ for reading. I can rework it a little, and if you guys want, could try and turn this into an ongoing deal.
    >> Anonymous 05/24/09(Sun)16:02 No.4650149
    >>4650128
    Fuck it. Keep it blood god. A smart plan that leads to bloodshed helps khorne. A mindless slaughterer who dies before the second man is worthless to him.
    >> Dickteeth the Vampire 05/24/09(Sun)16:05 No.4650177
    Did you just...

    He did it. He made khorne seem less like a retarded BLOOOOOOOOD RAAAAAAAAGE guy, but a subtle destroyer. He was straightforward and precise, but in a way that made me think it was ole Tz for a sec.
    >> Anonymous 05/24/09(Sun)16:09 No.4650208
    I personally loved it when Chaos said "Say the words..."

    and he replied with the telltale call of his emperor. Great stuff. :D
    >> Anonymous 05/24/09(Sun)17:48 No.4650671
    Shameless OP bump for more critique and responses.
    >> /c/itizen /k/ane !!ZWZeMGgNdJz 05/24/09(Sun)18:52 No.4651070
    I've always liked the portrayal of Khorne as the lord of battle in the "honourable warrior" way as opposed to the "RAEGAN BERSERKAR". He supposedly appeals to warriors en masse, and is the god most Space Marines fall into the worship of - because he appeals to their sense of martial skill and the like. He's not just BLOOD 4 TEH BLOOD GAWD, but of course, Games Workshop just hates putting actual thought into characters, so that's all that comes across.

    Nice work, OP.
    >> Anonymous 05/24/09(Sun)22:36 No.4652817
    >>4649767

    i find it intensely creepy that khorne(? i cannot spell :B) has no real set vocal sound in my head. anyone else, i can imagine a tone of voice and an accent, a timbre, what have you.

    this not so much. and it's not because of writanz r badd, it's because someone inherently chaotic would probably not be inclined to having a singular tone. sometimes he sounds like a fucktonne of people, sometimes like no one at all.

    sleep deprived anon is a poetic tl;dr engine. but seriously, that quality creeped my shit out. diggin' it.
    >> Anonymous 05/25/09(Mon)02:48 No.4654671
    Look closely at the picture. When you see it you will shit bricks.
    >> Anonymous 05/25/09(Mon)03:41 No.4655013
    i rather liked it. if there was anything i would have changed, it would have been to do something to differentiate Khorne's words from the narration / general's thoughts. the fact that it wasn't in speech quote does work pretty well, though.
    >> Anonymous 05/25/09(Mon)06:13 No.4655842
    OP again, holy shit this is still here?
    I won't bump this much longer (though I want to see how long this can last), but I'd like to put it to you rather than just go ahead and do it:
    Is this worthy of suptg?
    >> Anonymous 05/25/09(Mon)06:17 No.4655861
    >>4651070
    You're talking bullshit.

    Read the fucking codexes, the books and other material.

    "BAAAWWWWW, 40k fluff is sooooooooo lame! ...from what I read on Lexicanum."

    Fuck, I wish I could shoot all you faggots in the face.
    >> Anonymous 05/25/09(Mon)06:18 No.4655865
    it's a little short. i might toss it to 1d4chan, though, for posterity.
    >> Anonymous 05/25/09(Mon)06:19 No.4655870
    >>4655861
    that's_nice.jpeg
    >> Anonymous 05/25/09(Mon)06:39 No.4655941
    >>4655865
    That'd be nice.
    I'm thinking of calling it "Brass," if you need a title.
    >> Anonymous 05/25/09(Mon)06:57 No.4656002
    >>4654671

    lol kfc
    >> Anonymous 05/25/09(Mon)07:12 No.4656045
    This was Awesome, Keep Writing
    >> Anonymous 05/25/09(Mon)07:33 No.4656108
         File :1243251238.jpg-(125 KB, 800x400, FALCON PROPS.jpg)
    125 KB
    Amazing, dear sir. I applaud you.
    >> Anonymous 05/25/09(Mon)07:35 No.4656111
    This was pretty cool, and has potential to be awesome. The dialogue is kind of stale, it needs more emotion and more character development behind it. This also had little mconflict to it, the officer agreed to it in a few lines. Play out his inner struggle more, and explore the reasons for his decision.
    >> Anonymous 05/25/09(Mon)07:37 No.4656122
    >>4656111
    OP again, before I head to bed.
    I think this clinches it. There's more to the character in my head thus far. I'm going to try and continue this.

    Thanks to everyone for the reading and the input.
    >> Anonymous 05/25/09(Mon)07:37 No.4656125
    OVERWROUUUUUGH!



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