You are a Peasant.You live in the town Bok, which is in a valley with hills on either side. You were born a Peasant, and will most likely die as one.You've had minimal formal education. You're rather handy at basic mechaneering and reagent gathering/mixing, though you're largely self-taught. You survive by doing odd jobs around town and selling potions and contraptions you cobble together from (sometimes) magical herbs, bones, wolf dung, and spare parts. It's not a grandiose, but at least it puts broth on the table.
>>39419774Man, being a peasant sucks.Can we at least go and do our monthly visit to the pub?
Today, you've climbed the west hill. You rarely go up here, and you've never personally been to this particular area- it's quite out of the way. You come seeking baneleaf nettles with which to make soup. Rumour has it that baneleaf soup has enhancing effects on one's masculinity- whether this is actually true is debatable, but that doesn't stop the customers. In any case, you need cash, and baneleaf is today's way of getting it. You've been promised a tidy sum if you can deliver enough soup by tomorrow.A breeze ruffles through your hair. It's getting close to midday: What do you do?(Alright! First quest, please no bully. Feel free to critique my shitty, hasty art, and ask questions. I'll be taking an aggregate of suggestions to decide what our MC does, but dubs is trumps.)
>>39419774Good day Peasant. Yes I am talking to you. I am your conscience. Wait, you don't know what conscience means? Well, I am a voice in your head and you should listen to me. Lick your own elbow.
>>39419774We need to find somebody who can teach us about the world.
>>39419805(Fuck, forgot picture)
>>39419805Baneleaf nettle, eh? >Search the ground near trees. Be VERY wary of elves, because fuck elves.Also, suggestion - go for dice rolls instead of dubs for taking action votes. Highest roll = action that will be done. Your art is fine.
>>39419805Search for baneleaf and muse on the nature of our peasantly life.
>>39419820Should be easy to find, because that's a big plant.
>>39419774It's not a coincidence that "bok" means "shit" in kebab, is it?
>>39419845Bok is actually a cool name for a town, so I might steal it. How fast can you draw OP?
>>39419812>>39419806But of course! Elbow licking is the first skill that any peasant learns- by reconsuming the sweat that gathers there, you save water AND salt!>>39419802You've never been into the local tavern or drank alcohol- too poor, and not enough supplies get out here.>>39419810Why would you want to know about anything that happens outside of Bok?>>39419820>>39419827Baneleaf nettle does stand out quite a bit, yes. Unfortunately, it's also quite rare.[1/2](>>39419845Complete and utter coincidence, I swear.)
Ah! What luck! You spy a rather large Baneleaf Bush ahead. A fine-looking specimen, too- the Nettle Heads are larger than average. With luck, you'll be able to extract a good measure of Baneleaf Seed Juice from each head. Perfect for flavouring in soup or use in potions.>>39419917(I came up with the name on the spot, take it if you like. I can draw relatively fast, though as you see, the quality degrades somewhat.)
>>39420002Never touch your prize right away. First search for traps.
>>39420018Yes, do this. Listen to the voices, obey them.Also, as >>39419815 suggested, STAY FUCKING CAUTIOUS OF ELVES!
>>39420002I'm willing to bet there's a Dick Fairy somewhere in that spooky wood.Better find a way to protect our dick.
>>39420002That cross-hatching looks suspiciously like a giant spider's web, in the context of a spooky wood.
>>39420018>>39420074Why would there be crossdresse- Oh, THOSE traps. You've seldom encountered one made to catch humans, but you look around anyway- Elves prey upon the unwary and the unprepared, after all. You spy no obvious traps, but in a small patch in front of the Baneleaf plant, there's... what looks like very old bricks, in the ground. They're long past their glory days, that's for sure- they've been worn by the plants, wind and rain- but from the looks of them, the were once... Well, better than any construction material used in Bok, that's for sure.But that's strange. You've never heard of anyone building anything around here- Bok lies on the edge of the known world, in the middle of nowhere. It would be called a frontier village, except 'frontier' implies expansion and discovery along with innovation, something that is remarkably absent around these parts. Whoever could have built these bricks? And when? And why?>>39420101(I should probably take more time on my drawings when something that's actually important happens :L)
>>39420118I bet it's to keep the Dick Fairy trapped in the hole. Grandma always said you have to keep them in holes to keep them from stealing your dick.
>>39420118FUCK FORGOT PICTURE AGAIN
>>39420118>>39420142Whatever it is, we should try to take all of it. Dig it up I say! So what if there's a Dick Fairy? We might be able to sell those bricks for more than we ever had! What does Grandma know about dicks anyway?! (might I just say you seem like a pretty good writer OP)
>>39420273Maybe the fairy can give us the copper it gets for selling stolen dicks in exchange for its freedom.Can you imagine it? He might have five whole copper!
>>39420284What, we march into town and yell "get your dicks here!" Maybe they'll think we stole their dicks! Besides, what if we sell the wrong dick to the wrong man? They might kick us to pieces!
>>39420315No no, the fairy sells dicks. We take the fairy's copper in exchange for letting it out.
>>39420273>>39420284>>39420326>>39420142You remember that Grandma was... rather knowledgeble about dicks. You have to put bread on the table, after all.God, you've never forgotten the sounds as you tried to sleep.Nonetheless, you resolve to investigate the stones. If there IS a dick fairy in there, you'll want to know. You could profit, and at the very least, you'l be able to warn the town, so they can save themselves. And their dicks.[1/2]>>39420273(Thanks, man.)
>>39420350[2/2]You move over to the bricks to investigate them, but as you draw close and begin to bend over, you step on one that you didn't notice- it must have been covered in leaves. You hear a sickening cracking and grinding noise and feel the brick shift under your foot. The brick construct shudders under your weight- you're no mason, but even you can tell it won't hold you!
>>39420453Whelp. Time to resign ourselves to the peace of death.Can't be worse than shitty peasant life, that's for sure.
>>39420465Can't argue with that. Sweet Valhalla, here we come!
>>39420496Valhalla is for warriors, not peasant plebs like us, hopefully where we're going has mead though.
>>39420453quickly! grab the nettledicks!
>>39420453Maybe -we- can hold us.>>39420510Or water that doesn't have yeoman piss in it.
>>39420510Then where do peasants go?
>>39420514Dude we're not gay! Well, I'm not gay at least... Although I always suspected there was a bi-curious side among us...
I say that we try to run quickly back to solid ground>>39420540The truth is, even your local medicine man doesn't give enough of a shit to know, but it seems like we're about to find out.>>39420538I dunno, it's not so bad once you get used to it.yes it is
>>39420557>I always suspected there was a bi-curious side among us...So you'd say you were.... bi-curious-curious?
>>39420583N-no! ... Wait am I? Strange how we aways seem to have these elaborate internal conflicts, right in the small fraction of time before something terrible is about to happen?
>>39420465>>39420496>>39420510>>39420540Even inside your village, there are a thousand different opinions as to the nature of death and post-death (despite the village only containing about 50 people). You've never really given much thought to which one is true, but it seems quite pertinent, now. None of the ones you've heard of have been much worse than your current life. That's a relief. >>39420514You manage to snag a nettle, but it tears right off. Useless things. As you see it wobble in your hand, the white nectar in its head cavern glistening, you think you might understand why people think it can enhance performan- Wait, what are you thinking? Shit, maybe you ARE gay.>>39420622Thinking is a free action, it seems. As you fall, your whole life seems to flash you by in a moment. Every disappointment, every misery, every day you went hungry, ever friend you ever lost to illness...You decide to give the universe the best insult you can in the next second- the one-handed saaloot, which symbolises hatred and means something like 'fuck you, your lineage, and your flea-ridden excuse for a mule'.[1/?](Maybe there'll be gay escapades later on.)
>>39420705Quickly, call a dick fairy to save us in exchange for the nettle.
>>39420705Try to remember to protect our head, like when the merchant's sons used to play "kick the crybaby" with us.
>>39420783Goddamn merchants. Think they're better than us just because they always have clothes and food and the respect of their peers.
>>39420797Only good thing about them is that they aren't men-at-arms.Well, at least you got that little brother you always wanted!
>>39420797They'd never be able to tell a thimbledew flower from a poisonous white duncan flower like us.
>>39420825Too bad he was a dick fairy... not literally, but still...>>39420842Too bad we learned that the hard way...
>>39420705Things move too quickly for any more thought or prayer as you fall.......What... Is this the afterlife...?Something about it... seems familiar... Ah, yes. The throbbing pain in your head is just like the kind you felt when those merchant's kids beat you up, the snotty bastards. Strange. Maybe the pain is a punishment for your sins, or something?
>>39420940Wait, let's try opening our eyes.
>>39420973Is the nettle okay?
>>39420940Boy, that is strange! Punishment for our sins is likely though.We shouldn't have spied on the bakers daughter while she was undressing
>>39420996Especially cause we're gay.
>>39421008Bi-curious, not gayAt least not yet
>>39421008>>39420996We only did it because Bob would think we where cool,*sigh* Bob...
>>39420996Was the baker's own punishment not enough? Now the gods have to punish us too?
>>39421008Hey, we haven't decided on that yet! A part of us might be bi-curious, that's all we'll say about that!
>>39421049yeah right, like we didn't enjoy watching her! We certainly didn't need nettledick for masculinity back then!
>>39420973Well, looks like you're still alive. Fuck.>>39420996>>39421008>>39421045>>39421049 As you struggle to piece back together your fall-addled brain, you idly wonder what's brought on this sudden flood of indecent thoughts...
>>39421065>>39421064>>39421049>>39421045Gay post anon here, didn't mean to derail, let's get back on track for now.
>>39421049quit thinking about Bob man. What are you, a dick fairy?
>>39421085I just can't stoop laughing at that zero fucks given face.That said, let's try to stand up and look around, we can sort out our sexuality later.
>>39421085Please stand up.
>>39421085Well if you have the capacity to think such lewd thoughts you clearly aren't as fall-addled you think you are
>>39421114>that comment>that namebravo sir
>>39421085we should probably get up and have a look aroundalso check that nettle didnt pierce our skin somehow making us think all this stuff. (not that it actually works of course)
>>39421085GET UP YOU LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHING
>>39421085Well, that might explain it. They say the fumes that come out of that nettle juice have... certain effects on the brain.It's worthless to you for making the penis enhancement potion now. Do you want to get rid of it, along with these distracting thoughts?You resolve to get up as soon as you think your legs can hold you.
>>39421177Dude, put down the dick nettle. Go find some Vagina berries or something while you're at it. Air out those gay thoughts with memroies of that sweet thick baker's daughter
>>39421177Keep it somewhere nice and safe for now, who knows what we might need in this weird ass place.
>>39421177Yes, blame it on the nettle. Pretend we aren't just a filthy little boy. A filthy, dirty, bakers-daughter-spying, filthy boy.Ok, let's get rid of it, it clearly is messing up our brain.
>>39421215Where would a useless dick ever come in handy?
>>39421256we never know when we'll meet a dick fairy.
>>39421274Why would the dick fairy want a useless dick shaped plant? That's not a dick.
>>39421279a blind dick fairy.
>>39421256>>39421274>>39421279Just through it away, before it has lasting effects.
>>39421177Throw dickplant away and check surroundings.
>>39421286Blind, deaf, whatever, It's a dick fairy, it lives for the dick. You think she can't tell the difference between a real dick and a fake one just by smelling or feelings it?Throw it away
>>39421177Get rid of that nettle, lets see if we can find a way outta this shit-pit
>>39421385OP should seriously rename this to "Schizophrenic Peasant Quest"
>>39421445All quests end up appearing schizophrenic. That's why they're fun. Insane things happening to an insane person while we see how they deal with it.
>>39421445Agreed. I hope it lasts.
>>39421177>>39421158>>39421210>>39421215>>39421217>>39421256>>39421279>>39421292>>39421311>>39421324>>39421445Cursing the inane arguments flitting through your half-drunk mind, you stagger to your feet, clutching the wall for support. You leave the Netlle on the ground- it's not like it's going anywhere, after all.The hallway is relatively dark, and gets rather menacing-looking further away from the new skylight. Still, nice masonry.
>>39421484walk down the corridor while touching every brick to try and find secret rooms.
>>39421484>MasonryWell if we're not stuck in some crap ass cave then let's move forward. Maybe it leads to a bath house of nymphs.
>>39421469>>39421467(I hope it lasts, too, and I'm glad everyone seems to be enjoying things so far. For the purposes of transparency, I'll tell you all that I haven't planned this thing out too much beyond this 'prelude' outside of vague, general ideas. I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes.)
>>39421484>Still, nice masonry.What the fuck do we know about masonry? We must have hit our head pretty hard.
>>39421484What's behind us though?
>>39421538I think they point is that to this half-wit any masonry is nice masonry.
>>39421484I assume we have no inventory? We are a peasant after all. Probably just tear leaves off the bushes with our hands, wouldn't we?>>39421504I agree with this bloke. Unless there's a light source from the other way, we're going to be moving into darkness pretty soon
>>39421538Hey, just cause we aren't a mason doesn't mean we cant admire some good workNot the only thing we've admired that a mason's made
>>39421548we probably don't want to know.
>>39421572That just makes me more curious!
>>39421538Could it be we have secret powers that unlocked while we hit our head!?Try to explore our mind, see if we have other secret knowledge! Maybe we finally know what 'perpendicular' means...
>>39421591>Perhaps it's elves>FUCKING ELVES
>>39421604>>39421538Guys you don't need to be Davinci to recognize that whoever made the tunnel carved the stones to fit together very well and make a smooth wall.
>>39421649Wait... Who is Davinci? MORE HIDDEN KNOWLEDGE?!
>>39421685>we landed in some sort of crypt>All the knowledge of the dead is flowing into our brain casePeasant Necromancer quest when?
>>39421484Behind you, the tunnel just stretches away into more darkness. Nothing too interesting. Or potentially, too much interesting.
>>39421713Call out something like..."I sure hope there aren't any dick fairies down here!"
>>39421713Looking up, you see strange gems embedded in the bricks periodically. The glint in the light from the impromptu skylight. You have no idea what function they could possibly serve.
>>39421726Dude no, what id there actually is one and it steals out dick?
>>39421733Steal some.We can sell them and and change from peasant to middle class
>>39421733>>39421504>>39421558As you walk down the corridor, your hand brushes against something rougher than the worn but polished bricks. Squinting at it, you recognise... letters. Not that you can read, anyway- you're a peasant- but but these seem different than any of the ones you've seen. Something about the shapes.>>39421749The ceiling is low enough that you can reach the gems if you hop a little. You punch one, but it's solid- you do little more than bruise your poor, poor hand.
>>39421749Fuck no, let's just keep going. It probably belongs to someone.
>>39421794PUNCH IT AGAIN
>>39421794Ask the gems if they can read the text.
>>39421794Oh, these better be aliums
>>39421793>>39421807Seriously, leave that shit alone, we'll get in trouble! >>39421794Is that elven? Can't be, right? Those fuckers live in trees, not underground. Anyway, let's follow the arrow. Arrows usually lead to a tavern or town or something...
>>39421794Fuck what if it's elvish? We've been so worried about pretending we're not bi and dick fairies that we forgot about the real menace.
>>39421794It all adds up - the good masonry, the blocky letters, the gems...You're in a ground elf hive! Run!
>>39421837What if it says "Elven Pleasure Dungeon"?
>>39421793They're heavy and solidly embedded into the ceiling. You'd need tools to pry one out, and you're no mason- you wouldn't know how to do so anyway. Plus, with your luck, it'll bring this place down on your head.>>39421807You punch the same orb again, with the other hand this time. Now you have two bruised hands. Well done.>>39421815"OI, GEMSIES! C'N YEH READ THESE LEDDERS?"Have I mentioned your voice is imbued with the town accent?In any case, the hall remains silent, and you feel distinctly foolish. Everyone knows only GLOWING orbs can talk.>>39421837>>39421797You decide to move on, despite the risk of *shudder* Elves.
>>39421842What if it's dwarven though? We might get to taste some of that mythical dwarven alcohol.
>>39421862Take off our clothes as we walk. If we need to escape from some hell-beast, or worse, chlamydia, we'll need to be aerodynamic.
>>39421867We could fuck a dwarf too.
>>39421862If we tuck our dick between our legs and pretend to be a girl, we won't have to worry about dick fairies taking our genitals!
>>39421842HEY! We're not gay! The dick nettle must have some lingering effects...
>>39421892Don't do that, it's the Elven Mind Control talking
>>39421892Fuck, do you think clothes grow on trees?! These were passed down by our great grandfather!
>>39421915But why would elves want our clothes?
>>39421911Like that would ever trick a dick fairy.
>>39421913Yeah we're not gay! We're bi
>>39421936Because they are elves. FUCKING ELVES.
>>39421966Well, to be fair, most of our brain is straight. But that dick nettle seems to influence us man...
>>39421942>>39421966Enough, we have more important things to worry about.Like elves, or dwarves, or half-elves/half-dwarves. Everyone knows all that racial hatred is just a front.
>>39421936More suspicion about elves floods your mind.What if the lord of your village is an elf in disguise? He always did demand that your sister should remove her clothes...
>>39421991Dick nettle is my waifu.
>>39422027Like we even know what a drow is
>>39422041It's like an elf, but it wants your dick even more!
>>39421862You come up to the end of the corridor, moving slowly and carefully. The dark has augmented your other senses- somewhere down below, you hear water dripping and air whistling, though the sounds are faint. This place must go far down, whatever it is...Suddenly, you catch sight of an end to the corridor just before you intimately introduce the bones of your face to it. It... Looks like a door, though it's not like any door you've ever seen (a common theme in this place); the doors seems to slide into the wall rather than swing outwards. You can't see any handles, either.The suspicion of Elves has replaced most of your sexuality-related thoughts. It's an improvement, at least- one can never be too vigilant when those bastards are involved.You never did like the way that village leader talked, always putting you down... But that's for later. What do you do now...?
>>39422041If there's anything peasants know it's the 50 different kinds of fae that want to fuck you up the moment you step into the woods.
>>39422027>>39422041>>39422051Don't be stupid, it's a kind of sticky mud.
>>39422056Push one of those three button doohickeys on the door
>>39422056Open the door and enter facing backwards, ass firmly presented. We're too cowardly to face danger to the front alone.
>>39422015Well, to be fair, half the town wanted her to remove her clothes. That doesn't mean they're all elves right. Right?... Of course not. >>39422051You're mistaken, elves don't want our dick, that's dick fairies.
>>39422056Walk in of course, we can only hope that sign was pointing us toward an Elven Pleasure Dungeon.Wait... What?
>>39422056>An ElevatorHAH I KNEW IT. ITS ALIENS
>>39422056Check the door for penis traps! Elves are some wiley fuckers, always hiding in caves and shit.
>>39422056Rub those buttons. See if anything happens.
>>39422075Naw dude, we want to see what's inside!
>>39422108Do you really want to summon a djinni?
>>39422056Well if someone made a door it must lead somewhere.Unless it was made by a wizard. Those guys are worse than elves. And let's not get started on elven wizards.
>>39422056Check for something suspicious, like traps. I can smell it in the air.
>>39422108>RubOn second thought, how about we just rub ourselves Like a dirty little elf skank would? Mmm...
>>39422079>The entire town could be elvesB-but that can't be true, right? We would have noticed! I mean, elves have round ears and big beards after all! Not pointed ears and delicate, fluid expressions like humans.
>>39422115Man, you remember that one time that the merchants son's friends mother had heard from her maid that her husband's dog walker had seen an elven wizard? That was intense man.
>>39422115>let's not get started on elven wizardsElves have wizards? Fuck.
>>39422057Actually, you've never seen an Elf. They tend to keep away from these parts of human territory, what with the war on and all, and you've lived in Bok all your life.
>>39422148>Believing Merchants>Believing anyone with any sort of relation to a merchantDon't be so gullible.
>>39422174Not seeing one doesn't mean you don't know what to expect.
>>39422199I smell surprise buttsex.
>>39422144Yeah, we would've noticed that. Also, they can't hide that tail forever! The lord doesn't have a tail right? >>39422174Well yeah we haven't seen one, but of course they are there right! I mean, everybody talks about them. With their fucking green skin.
The buttonthingmajigs do nothing, as far as you can tell.
>>39422174>>39422220You try not to think about the implications of this pose as you squeeze through the hole in the door arse-first.You're not especially successful.
>>39422220But the door is open, right? Let's just head in.
>>39422220Open the door and get on the floor
>>39422231(I should probably link directly to the command in question for each action from now on. I was reacting to what someone else said to do... a while back, now.)
>>39422230Turn sideways and enter the hole in the door?Or should we unlock with door with our master key?
>>39422231Do this and prepare to for fisticuffs with the filthy elves.
>>39422220Go back and get the nettledick, and rub the juices on the door.
>>39422230what about trying to squeeze in sideways, or perhaps push it open?
>>39422230(No options right now, continuing to enter)You ready yourself for potential fisticuffs with any elves in here, spinning around, raising your arms to defend yourself from their lecherous actions-
>>39422412...Well, at least there's no Elves here. You're not really sure what you expected to find, but it wasn't... This. Whatever This is.
>>39422424Space ship. Calling it.
>>39422424In front of you, a large chamber opens wide. It's roughly quarterspherical in shape, with the door on the flat side. Strips of that crystal substance line the floors and walls. Incomprehensible devices line the walls. And in the centre of the room...
>>39422432Demon lord lair, hidden in the bottom of a lost church, with a succubutt ready to kill us.
>>39422463>quartersphericalWe know fractions?But can't read?
>>39422477I'm telling you man, hidden powers.
>>39422463...Is a throne. Or a chair. Or something of that sort.This entire place seems to thrum with power. Somehow, you feel more... perceptive than usual.>>39422477(>pointing out my stupidity in the fluff text)
>>39422503SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT
>>39422503Examine the throne for more details, but don't sit on it... yet.
>>39422503Is it like an outhouse?
>>39422503Get naked, THEN get in the chair.Whatever odd powers this thing has probably assumes that the sitter wears clothes like a normal person. It can't affect us if we're naked.
>>39422503stand on it, just in case sitting on it is a trap that summons elves
>>39422503clearly the elf that owns that chair is quite powerful, maybe even an elf wizard. Our only option, with no obvious way out, is to placate the wizard before his return by removing our clothes and bowing to his throne. Hopefully he doesn't summon the dick-fairies that way.
>>39422512>>39422530>>39422534>>39422541>>39422535Your mind is ablaze! You don't know what to do!Wait? Sit on it? Stand on it? Worship it like some pagan god? Hump it? Dear gods, the tension! Whatever to do!?(COME TO A CONSENSUS)
>>39422592>Hump itSure, why not
>>39422604it's the only logical choice.
>>39422592SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT SIT ON IT
>>39422604Yeah I don't see why not.
>>39422592Sit on it, you ingrate!
>>39422615>>39422619Do you want to sit on it?
>>39422592Stand on it.
>>39422627Yes, sit on it.
>>39422627Oh fine, sit on it.
>>39422604>>39422608>>39422612>>39422615>>39422618>>39422619Sit on it AND hump it, while naked.
>>39422627yes but make sure we don't get ambushed by fairy filth/dick elves.
>>39422627psssht... Fine sitting is also good... stupid voices, you never let us hump anything
>>39422592Just to be sure, you decide to stand on it first.This accomplishes nothing, aside from making you feel profondly foolish.
>>39422705>FoolishWHY YOU LOOK AWESOME.NOW SIT ION IT YOU ILLITERATE QUEER
>>39422705>>39422720You place your feet on the ground, and, with apprehension, lower your rump to touch the surface of the chair...Closer...
>>39422745As your ass nears the cold rock, you feel as if your destiny is approaching you like a thundering horse...Closer..
>>39422776WAIT! WE SHOULD TASTE THE CHAIR FIRST FOR POISON!
>>39422805but, then we just ate the poison..
>>39422776IT'S LIKE THERE'S A CURRENT OF POWER BETWEEN YOUR CLOTH-CLOTHED REAR END AND THIS GRANITE STRUCTURE THAT TRANSCENDS ALL OF SPACE AND TIME, ALL THE MATERIAL AND ELEMENTAL PLANES... YOU FOUND THIS CHAIR- YOU FELL DOWN THAT HOLE- YOU WERE BROUGHT HERE TODAY- NO, YOU WERE BORN FOR THIS VERY MOMENT! THIS IS WHY YOU'RE ALIVE! THIS IS IT! YOUR DESTINY! YOU, THIS CHAIR, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT-
>>39422776We better get out of the horses way.
>>39422866We have made first contact everybody! Diplomacy or conquest?
>>39422887Are they elves or not?
>>39422887Conquest, let out a fart to begin the chemical warfare.
>>39422866...Nothing.Well, it's to be expected, I suppose. Why would anything interesting ever happen to you, after all?It's only natural. Born a peasant, stay a peasan-
>>39422939 we must take our clothes off and hump the chair to assert our dominance over its mystical powers, first.
>>39422887We're a peasant - I doubt we'd be very good at either option.I think we ought to be ready to beg for mercy from whatever comes forward. Peasants are good at looking pathetic!
>>39422961>That cutoffOh no. Are we gonna get shot to outside space?
>>39422987We live out our days in a peasant mech?Better than being a peasant.
>>39422961IT'S FULL OF STARS
>>39422961>>39422987>ESTA HERADNOL TOK DOK KERAMPTIL<>CERVIS INCRENTA DECRAN<>HEKTON... HEKTON...<>*bzzt* NEURAL SCAN COMPLETE. TRANSLATION CODEX COMPILED AND APPLIED.<>SIGNIFICANT DATA CORRUPTION.<>COMMANDER ID LOST.<>SEMIRELEVANT GENETIC DATA FOUND IN SUBJECT.<>ASSIGNING SUBJECT ACTING COMMANDER STATUS.<>WELCOME, COMMANDER.<>CONSTRUCT STATUS: TRAPPED BY DEBRIS<>AUTOMATIC DEBRIS REMOVAL ROUTINES INITIATED<>COMMANDER, RECOMMEND MUSICAL SOUNDTRACK?<
>>39423153I want to break free! Aah no, wait... I mean killing in the name of!
>>39423153This "Sheena's fine ass" song from the tavern in town would be nice.
>>39423153The sound my grandfather made when he pissed on a dead horse.
>>39423153"Billyjoe ob and the lute-lust crew?"
>>39423153Is this an Imperial Knight?Whatever, loving this so far, keep it up brah!
>>39423153Jump in total "the Fuck!?" mode. who is speaking what are these crazy lights and what is this "commander" thing? "what sort of sorcery is this!?"
Op here, just have to pop off for 10 minutes, sorry. If you like the thread, please bump it to keep it alive till I'm back. Thanks a lot for all your replies so far!Brb, cooking chicken.
>>39423366>Brb, cooking chicken.Mah nigga.
>>39423366>10 minutesYou mean the perfect time for a bathroom break/walking the dog and not missing mechPeasant? Perfect!
Thom Yorke looks just like his music sounds, and he looks like he's been lobotomized and force-fed sleeping pills.He really looks like deep down, he doesn't want to make music at all, but that his doctors told him it was either that, or chemical castration.He looks like if he bumped into a chair after stumbling his way through a room, he'd apologize to the chair.He looks like he's what's called a "philosophical zombie", that is to say a human being with working bodily functions, but absolutely no hint of sentience, awareness or sensitivity of any kind.He looks utterly defeated, he looks like the kind of man a hundred generations of bureaucratic dictatorship would produce after mercilessly and clinically suppressing all hints of free will and personal ambitions in its population. If he didn't sing, I'd be convinced that the only thing he's able to say is "yes".He looks numb. He looks so numb it's a miracle he's even alive because someone this numb wouldn't have the degree of proprioception required to keep all his cells together. He'd literally melt into protoplasmic goop, like a big jellyfish washed ashore, like a load of sterilized semen being flushed down, like a gob of spit waiting to dry on a chewing gum-encrusted pavement.That's what Thom Yorke looks like, and that's what Radiohead sounds like.
>>39423419>NEURAL SENSORS INDICATE YOU WISH TO HEAR 'RADIOHEAD' MUSIC SOUNDS LIKE. IS THIS CORRECT?<
>>39419774>weak like babbyMan, I call bull. The amount of manual labor we'd be doing is ridiculous.>>39423366>10 minutes>keep it bumpedYou said this is your first quest. Is this also your first time on /tg/?
>>39423510Never heard of this bard.
>>39423510>>39423524May as well try it then.
>>39423419speaking of radiohead https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3lF2qEA2cw
>>39423510Who the fuck is a Radiohead?
>>39423547It's a big fat meme
>>39423520Nay, but I'm a very nervous person. What if we hit a traffic spike of 10 posts per hour, and the thread slips off?! It would be an unprecedented calamity!
>>39423612By god, you're right!Post, men, post!!!
>>39423153A new challenger appearshttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFSIu9bITro
>>39423612Dog walked. Peasant needs food badly.Also, I wouldn't worry, most quests don't get bumped off if there's someone here.
>>39423153https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AgL6jbqDbx8Because my money's still on this being a spaceship
>>39423419Sharing with resident Thom Yorke fangirl. I'm expecting a black eye; wish me luck.
>>39423612Okay anons lets get posting. Confessions, music, conspiracy theories. I have an impregnation fetish.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S0vHqWGt4NEJfk was killed by the government, 9/11 was an inside job.
>>39423695I see your Russian funk machine, and raise you an operatic jazz metal.https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=m2mZVOd0jWY
We come from realm you might not understand.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6qXMytm-_sw
>>39423510"What in the name of nettledicks is a radiohead?And are you an elf?"
I'M BACK IN BLACKYAY RACISMGAS THE ELVES SPECIES WAR NOW(This panel was fun to make. The next few will take time, as well. Hope you're patient.)------------------------------->Repeat question: Do you wish to sample Bard Radiohead?<"WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL NETTLEDICKS IS A RADIOHEAD, WHAT'RE YOU, WHERE AHM I, ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE ME PENIS, AND ARE YOU A FOOKIN' ELF?!">Commander in distress. Deploying multi-track synthesis audio therapy.<"DEAR GODS WHAT THE BUGGERY IS THIS">CONTINUING WITH DEBRIS REMOVAL<[----->]
>>39424212I love you and this quest.
>>39424212PLEASE TELL ME WHERE I AMWHAT IS THISWHAT IS LOVE Oh baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more
>>39424212>Decide to play all suggested songs simultaneously, for full effect>Holy balls, what is this horror
>>39424326>tfw when doing this has caused more sanity damage than fighting CthulhuPeasant starts Delta Green centuries before the Mythos is rooted in the world.
>>39424374On the bright side, once Cthulhu rises, we'll be the perfect warrior to combat him.
>ANALYSIS OF SURFACE:<>CLIMATE: TEMPERATE<>ECOSPHERE: HIGHLY STABLE<>AIR POLLUTION: MINIMAL<>WATER POLLUTION: MINIMAL<>INDUSTRIALISED PRESENCE: MINIMAL<>DESIGNATION: UNSPOILED NATURE<>SEARCHING FOR APPROPRIATE INSPIRATIONAL HISTORICAL QUOTE...<>QUOTE FOUND<
>>39424525"FUCK NO, THAT KIND OF SHIT IS FOR ELVES.TEAR IT DOWN."-Marshal Fukhaw II, Year 1403
>>39424577>I'm getting so turned on right now.jpg
>>39424374I don't think there's much SAN to deduct at this point.>>39424287I love you too! Faggot.
>>39424577PeasantMech, crush elves!
>>39424598I already came.
>>39424577>DEBRIS NEARLY COMPLETELY CLEARED.<"WHAT IS THE EARTH MOVING OH GODS I DON'T LIKE IT PLEASE MAKE IT STOP"
>>39424866With this we can easily become KING peasant, and rule from the Potato Throne.
>>39424866Ok>>39424855Now I came too
>>39424866>RISING TO FULL ALTITUDE<"I THINK I'M GOING TO BE SICK"
>>39424866Its purging time
>>39425195Hekton -> sixQuadrupedal mechSploosh.jpg.
>>39425195Is it squatting?Did we discover a Slavtimus Prime?
>>39425195>FULL ALTITUDE REACHED<>ENGAGING SYSTEMS DIAGNOSTIC<>INTERRUPT WARNING: BIOLOGICAL CONTAMINATION ON BRIDGE<"Eurgh...">DISPATCHING CLEANUP GOLEMITE<>CLEANUP GOLEMITE DIAGNOSTIC REPORT: TOTAL CASUALTIES<>NO CLEANUP GOLEMITES AVAILABLE<>DIAGNOSTIC COMPLETE<>COMMANDER, DO YOU WISH TO BE PRESENTED WITH THE FULL DIAGNOSTIC REPORT OR THE ABRIDGED SITUATION REPORT?<
>>39425559"I like bridges!"
>>39425559Abridged will be fine. I bet I won't be able to understand either one.
>>39425559A bridge would be nice I guess
>>39425559Dia-what now?And I don't see any bridges!Which is surprising, given how high up we are.
>>39425559>>39425578>>39425580>>39425592"Uhh... Yes? Bridges? I like bridges.">Abridged Report Selected. Sideline Calculation: Assessing likelyhood of Mental Retardation in Subject.<"Mental what now?">Evidence inconclusive. Proceeding with Abridged Report.<>Internal Aethercite Reactor Status: 95%, fully functional.<>Internal Aethercite Depots at 30%. Recommend refuelling at first possible opportunity.<>Onboard Aethercite refineries functional.<>Internal Energy Conduit Network at 60% integrity, power routing compromised by 55%.<>Internal Computational Engine damaged; Unkown percentile. Data corruption extensive. Computational Power loss extensive. Control Personality Dissolvation entensive. Extent unknown.<>Kinetic Rotocisers Intact, at 80% integrity. Near-to-full functionality, danger of breakdown under high stress.<>Protocannon damaged. Damage source and nature unknown. Firing of Protocannon not advised.<>Life support Systems functional. Airtight sealant systems functional.<>Mainframe structural integrity: 60%. Recommend repairs at first possible opportunity.<>Forest Clearing/Elf splatting capacity at 70%. Unacceptably low. Recommend repairs at first possible opportunity.<
>>39425842>Current Registered Crew: 1<>Current onboard Lifeforms: 1<>CREW STATUS CRITICAL<>CREW RESUPPLY CRITICAL<>What are your orders, Commander?<
>>39425842>Elf splatting capacity at 70%. Unacceptably low.My fucking sides.
>>39425842Okay, It's a bunch of babble, but one thing's clear, the thing needs fuel. Try to figure out what does it use for fuel. If it can burn trees or something easily acquired we should harvest some.
>>39425879UhRefuel I guess?That seems important since I think the three-zero is lower than the one-zero-zero
>>39425842>>Forest Clearing/Elf splatting capacity at 70%. Unacceptably low. Recommend repairs at first possible opportunity.<"That's the only thing I understood, GodEarthCreature. How do we fix this to get full elf death?"
>>39425842What is Ethercity?Aedercity?Aethersty?
>>39425913"Oh yeah, I was kinda thirsty."
>>39425913Anthracite? that's like coal, innit?
>>39425879Time to kill the childhood bully
>>39425879Recruit baker's daughter as crew memberAnd ad not a love interestAlso recruit any childhood friend we had
>>39425842"Uhh... What's this Aether...sitty stuff? For your... Reactor? You need it? You... Like, you eat it? Three Zero is less than One Zero Zero, right? So we need more? How do we get more? Can we eat trees? Oh, and how do we make that Elf splatting thing go up? I like the sound of that.">Aethercite is a distilled, crystallised form of Aether, a gaseous/liquid physical manifestation of thaumic energy. It is incited to Annihilate in the Reactor Chamber, producing Thaumic Energy which powers onboard systems.<>Aether is present in all life forms, in greater or lesser amounts. The more magic-based the lifeform, the greater the presence of Aether. Theoretically, it is possible to extrect Aether from plants such as trees, though it would be incredibly inefficient. Aether is generally harvested from underground reservoirs, Aether Cloud Banks, (Rare) Aethercite crystals, and (Very rare, very profitable) greater Energy beings.>>Does this adequately explain the necessity and means of procuring Aethercite?<
>>39426107Just noticed that reads weird, I meant that Aethercite crystals are rare and Greater energy beings are very rare.
>>39426107Eh, so eating trees is not worth it?Fine, find nearest thing that is worth it and dig in.Correction, one more condition, thing that isn't people.
>>39426160>>39426107elves aren't people.
>>39426107Hunt down the something for it to eat
>Are Elves classified as People? Elves are a more efficient energy source.<
>>39426107Do you really need a commander ? I'm not sure I'm suited for the job.
>>39426184Of course. I'm only saying that because there might be fellow peasants around.
>>39426199>Federation Regulation disallows the function of Military Computational Personalities in the absence of a Commander. Subject is closest available genetic match to last commander.<
>>39426187I dunno, they scream in pain if we hurt them.Buuuuut on the other hand, they steal all our women and hold us in contempt. Let's go eat some elves!
>>39426187No, for the purpose of this discussion, elves most certainly don't qualify as people.Or any other discussion, really.
>>39426107So we go an get more Astercites for you?Whad'ye suggest we do to get those Eatersites
>>39426232>>39426247"I dunno, they scream if you hurt them... but they steal our women and hold us in contempt. Let's say they don't.">Very well. Scanning for elven life force...<>Scanning...<>Scanning...<>Error: No Elves detected within shortscan range of 30 km. Movement towards Elven populations needed for adequate scanning.<>Scanning for normal fuel sources.<>...No nearby accessible Aetherclouds.<>...No nearby accessible Aether reservoirs.<>...No nearby accessible Aethercite Crystals.<>Alert! No nearby efficient sources of Aether.<"Well then, whad'ye suggerst we do?">Recommend refuelling via alternative route pioneered by present Commander- tree-eating.<>We will require approx. 3 thousand metric tonnes of wood to fill our reservoirs. Commence operations? y/n<
>>39426187How many elves do we need for a full tank? >hopefully all
>>39426414Time to eat some wood!
>>39426414Sure sure remove tree
>>39426414>3 thousand metric tonnesThats alot of tree.
>>39426414How many trees is "3 thousand metric tonnes?
>>39426434"Er, sure, yeah, do that.">Affirmative, commander.<The construct shifts and moves: you feel vibrations and hear groaning noises as its' colossal arms and legs move it around the landscape to the nearest batch of trees. A small diagram pops up by your head detailing what's being done.>Approx. time till completion: 1.5 days.<"How many elves will fill a tank?">Data inconclusive. Additional data required for a meaningful answer.<"How many trees is '3 thousand doodads'?">Approximately 1000 trees, not enough to entirely destroy the local ecosphere.<
>>39426500Basically a metric shit tonne.Or the entirety of the forest.>>39426414Don't fill them all the way, the forest is good for Bok. Enough to move closer to smashing elves is good.
>>39426563>Not enough to destroy the local ecosphereOh, alright then, spooky voice.Got a name or something I can call you?
>>39426572>As stated, local Ecosphere will recover. Query: What is Bok?<
>>394265006,613,800 pounds of wood
>>39426596Bok is the town near here. Filled with humans, and hopefully not elves.
>>39426594>>39426669"Oh, alright then, spooky voice.Bok's the town near here. Full of humans. Hopefully not full of elves in disguise...Anyway, got a name or something I can call you?">The previous commander referred to me as 'HAL 9001'. They found the designation mirthful for reasons I can't quite fathom. Alert: I recommend you recruit as many personnel as possible from local settlement 'Bok'. Current crew levels are unacceptable; repair work and full combat operations will be impossible without further crew or a full complement of maintenance golemites, all of which are currently out of commision.<
>>39426563During these 1.5 days, could you teach me how you work?And what a lot of these big words mean?
>>39426760Can you teach me this stuff first?Like, you call me commanderWhat do I commandHow do IWhat should I even DOWHAT DO I DOOH GOD WHAT IF THE ELVES GET ME BEFORE I COMMAND
>>39426760Oh god, we're in the future-past.
>>39426760Maybe my childhood crush will finally love me
>>39426760What would it take to make more golly mites? Also what kind of people are needed for crew? Fishermen?
>>39426760Walk me to the city first, chum, I have a couple questions for you.
>>39426760Hal really-big-number, huh? I'm just gonna call you Hal. Okay, Hal, I'm not smart. I need help with that. While we're here, can you learn me some things?>Alert: I recommend you recruit as many personnel as possible from local settlement 'Bok'.I know some bakers that might be willing to give up their daughters...
>>39426760We need to visit a couple merchant jerks in Bok first.
>>39426832Maybe now s-senpai will notice me...
>>39426760Yo we building a mech squad Im excited as fuck
>>39426968Not a squad, just need to crew the one we have.
>>39426760>Alert: I recommend you recruit as many personnel as possible from local settlement 'Bok'. Current crew levels are unacceptable; repair work and full combat operations will be impossible without further crew or a full complement of maintenance golemites, all of which are currently out of commision.<"During these 1.5 days, could you teach me how you work?And what a lot of these big words mean?">Didactic courses are available, though 1.5 days of use will not bear massive quantities of fruit.<"Can you teach me this stuff first?Like, you call me commanderWhat do I commandHow do IWhat should I even DOWHAT DO I DOOH GOD WHAT IF THE ELVES GET ME BEFORE I COMMAND">Commander in distress. Initiating aural therap--<"GOD NO ANYTHING BUT THAT RACKET AGAIN! JUST GIVE ME THE ANSWER!">You, Commander, command the AI and the crew. You hand out orders, which are obeyed, and have responisbility for the continued survival and success of the crew.<>I and the crew give recommendations on courses of action, filtering through large amounts of data to provide you with useful information. You then make decisions based on that data.<Okay... Okay, Hal-really-big-numberguy. I'll call you Hal. Lookie, I'm not smart, can you learn me some things? Why would fighting take more Golly-mites? And what kind of people are needed for crew? Fishermen?">Supplies for personnel will be needed, though fishing will be... challenging. Critical personnel are Engineers for component maintenance and repair, combat units for ground attack and repelling of boarding, supply crew to keep everyone fed, watered, and organised (chefs, managers etc) and potentially generic labourers for hauling and other odd-jobs.<"I know some bakers who might be willing to give up their daughters...">Crew generation via reproduction is not advisable.<"W-what?! Er, anyway, please take me to town, Hal...">This will interrupt wood harvesting. Are you sure?<
>>39426989But Hal said there are currently some out of commission right?
>>39427022Wood harvesting and then we go to townIf this dude runs out of power we will be in a deep shit
>>39426989Heheheheheheh. Heh.Let's say giant HQ rock golems aren't the only fun thing I've put in this world.>>39427035There are maintenance Golemites that are out of commision (i.e. smashed.) Maintenance Golemites come up to your knee or thereabouts. They're small and flexible, and would be used to keep the golem running... if we had any. As it is, we're going to need human workers.
>>39427035No, that was basically repair drones. Automated guys who got around fixing shit.
>>39427022Okay okay, so learn me stuffs while we harvet the trees.
>>39427068Oh i see, well then lets get cracking on the tree eating and recruiting
>>39427022>Peasant likes to make contraptions>Actually would have been a smart guy given the chancesPeasant, it's your time to shine, learn to be the plebest Engineer ever
>>394270221.5 days isn't enough?Well, just teach me the bare basics, and we can work from there.
>>39427022>This will interrupt wood harvesting. Are you sure?<Well, I'd like to eat in the next day and a half.
Well, guys, as much as I've been enjoying running this thing so far, it's getting pretty late over here and I have to go to bed now. I'll make new updates tomorrow, when I can actually pick up a pen and draw...For now, if you want to ask any questions or make any comments, feel free to do so. This thread's getting pretty long.Again, I'd like to thank everyone who replied and gave suggestions. It got... a bit weird, but it's been really fun so far.
>>39427022"Oh right. No, keep cutting trees.Hey, if you're so special and stuff, how come I've never heard of you before being kidnapped by you? And these N-jinn-ears you keep mentioning, how do I find people like that? Combat units are like knights and stuff, cooking I understand, and labor I know some people for. But N-jinn-ears are the one I know the least of.">Also, requesting option to fast travel to completed harvesting if no more questions arise after these.>>39427231Baw, oh well. This thread is one of my favorite openers to a quest, and you drawing along the way is really nice.
>>39427231(Weirdness referring to the penis plants homosexuality discussions. Then again, I made the penis plant, so it's my fault, really.)
>>39427260You have no one to blame but yourself, PeasantDrawfag.It was still hilarious though
>>39427231I feel like it's been a good weird.What time zone are you in?
>>39427282I'm well aware. I take full responsibility for what I've done. The legacy of the Dickweed will live on forever.>>39427292Definitely a good weird. I'm in the EU, so GMT+1.
>>39427231Is the quest going to be called Peasant Mecha Commander Quest>PMC QuestYou know we're going Blackwater on those Elves, right?
>>39427418Congratulations Anon, you've just named the next thread.And don't worry, if the majority consensus is we challenge and #RECK the considerable hippy might of the Elven kingdoms with our own mighty war machine, then that's what we shall do.
>>39427418I'm hoping it stays peasant quest all the way through.
>>39427497Well, we'll see in the morning. Depends on if this is going to get archived, really- if it is, then it's good to have consistency. If it's not, it doesn't really matter either way.On the other hand, looking around, there seem to be quite a few Peasant Quests, so I'll probably take Peasant Mecha Commander just because it makes things less generic.Anyway, good night/morning/afternoon/evening to you, Anons.
>>39427497Peasant Quest, Mecha Commander edition?I agree though, I'd prefer to have the name be the same.Can someone smarter than me use Hal to add this to suptg?
Someone archive this biatch
>>39428002I was just about to learn how to do this, but you beat me to it. Thanks, anon!
>>39428040No problem.And hey, you can still learn to, just try refreshing the thread (rearchiving)
>>39428143>>39428040Oh and just in case, upvote it!