So /tg/, when the party ranger decides to cast speak with animal, what kind of personalities do you tend to give them? I prefer to think of all deer as paranoid conspiracy theorists.
>>34703313sounds about right to me, ducks are cool guys/gamer geeks, and geese are straight up assholes.spiders are nice but dont understand why people are creeped out by them, and most bugs dont have much mind I would say.
>>34703384>ducks>not also assholes
>>34703394Dogs have short attention-span.
>>34703394ducks are cool man, never mean just want bread, plus always chill
>>34703438cats are sociopaths
So wait, in 3.5, 4e, Pathfinder, and maybe even previous editions of D&D, there are various spells and rituals that let you communicate with animals, plants, and stone.Does this mean that the elves and the druids are right? Animals, plants, and stone are all sapient entities who can think sapient thoughts! They just have trouble communicating with things other than themselves. Every animal killed for food, every tree chopped down for wood, and every stone mutilated for gems and metals is the murder of a sapient entity!For example, this one from 4e:>Speak with Nature; Animals and plants respond to your queries, revealing what they have seen and what they know.>Level 5; Category divination; Component Cost 80 gp; Market Price 250 gp; Time 10 minutes; Duration 10 minutes; Key Skill Nature>For the ritual’s duration, you can communicate with natural beasts and mundane plants (but not plant creatures). The ritual does not make animals friendly, and the animals or plants are limited in their knowledge by their experiences and mobility. For example, a plant knows only about its immediate surroundings, and a fish can describe only what it has seen or experienced underwater.And these three from Pathfinder:http://paizo.com/prd/spells/speakWithAnimals.htmlhttp://paizo.com/prd/spells/speakWithPlants.htmlhttp://paizo.com/prd/spells/stoneTell.html>Stone Tell; School divination; Level druid 6; Casting Time 10 minutes; Components V, S, DF; Range personal; Target you; Duration 1 min./level>You gain the ability to speak with stones, which relate to you who or what has touched them as well as revealing what is covered or concealed behind or under them. The stones relate complete descriptions if asked. A stone's perspective, perception, and knowledge may prevent the stone from providing the details you are looking for. You can speak with natural or worked stone.
>>34703460You don't actually know anything about ducks, do you?
>>34703460You don't know much about ducks.
>>34703460It important that you learn more about ducks.
>>34703491Now I want to make a druid who goes around preaching this and how he can talk to animals.
>>34703491Nah, it's just a poorly thought-out ability that's a staple of the genre.Remember that it notes that you can only ask about a creature's experiences. The ritual temporarily gives you the ability to basically read the creature's mind and knowledge, whatever the animal or plant would know as if it was sapient.Basically, you turn a creature into a USB stick and the ritual is the software to read the information in a way you can understand.
>>34703491Maybe they borrow language skills from the casters mind as part of the spell.
>>34703720But the important question is, do they still "talk" to them? I always just imagined the party elf scratching himself and making baboon noises to ask a local monkey for directions.
>>34703876It's a combination of PC talking animal language, Animal talking pc language, and telepathy to supplement.
>>34703581>>34703504>>34703493I have 6. they are nice.
>>34704198None of them have tried raping each other with their spiral penis yet?Confirmed doesn't have ducks.
>>34704313you misunderstand they are nice to me, I go out and feed them once a day and they have never attacked me. also dont talk about their penis thats twice as long as they are, its just weird.
>>34704313That's how the duck do
>>34703720But how would an animal or a tree process experiences as if it was sapient, if it WASN'T sapient to begin with?
>>34704384Fucking love that shit
>>34704396By the power of magic, probably.
>>34704384Fuck you man, that's a stereotype!
>>34704396everything has some record of what's happened in it vicinity, the spell probably translates that into a human-like memory.
>>34704660Interpreted through monkey noises.
>>34703491THE TROUBLE WITH THE MAPULSAND THEYUH QUITE CONVINCED THEY'RE RIGHT
>>34703313Wolves are RastafariansCuttlefish are a cross between "Just as planned" and "Game of Pretend"Bears are beligerent and lazy welshmen who only care about sleepting, scratching and eating. Ducks are Deliverance style hicks.Geese are /pol/Cats are ParisiansCorvids are super-prepers and conspiracy buffs (gotta hoard the shinies from those dirty sparrow-commies)Blue-jays are murderhobos, same with PlatypusAnts and Bees that aren't queens only speak in "kek" and "Hue"Hornets and wasps are BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!!!!!Bats are pic related (read the file name).Does this cover it?
>>34704981What about queen ants and beeM
>>34705016Queen ants are divas and speak and behave like drag-queensQueen bees swing between extremely maternal and loving to cutthroat feminist Or tsundere for the tamer bee species.
>>34704981> Beetles are musclehead wrestlers> Pigs are slobs> Opposums are scaredy-cats> Mosquitos are weaboos who think they're vampires> Grasshoppers are orchestra buffs> Ravens are poets> Rats are scrapper rogues> Rabbits are perverts> Earthworms are dorfs> Lemmings are tweedle dee and tweedle dum
badgers are chavs.sloths are all stoners
>>34705334Already mentioned Ravens with CorvidsPigs are actually quite tidy and clever. The only reason why they bathe in mud is due to a lack of sweat glands. Normally they hate getting too dirty and are very resourceful.Opossums aren't as cowardly as you'd think. Those guys are always crossing the road, and are rather crafty and craven than cowardly.Grasshoppers are lazy southern-folk who love to chew tobaccothe rest is okay
>>34705459>rather... craven than cowardly>craven, adj,: contemptibly lacking in courage; cowardly.
>>34705518Your right, i apologize for my lapse in language skills.Rather what I mean is that they are opportunistic. I'm sorry for wasting you time
Pigs are charming motherfuckers.
>>34705637Supremely Posh Gentlemen!
>>34705637>>34705650"I dare say, what do we have here berttram? A bipedal wishes to converse with us!""Alas, this exchange of words a has left me weary. I shall go and , eellhhg, baathe."
>>34705716"Quite right!" *nibbles truffle*
I give them very simple talk, speaking almost entirely in nouns, and their main focus is either food or fucking.My game is in a micor world of some sort, everyone's about the size of a toy, so the shaman usually speaks to insects. They don't know what a lot of words mean so, say, if they want to ask about a missing gun, he has to talk about a 'dark shiny hard not-edible giant' thing. The the ant probably responds with>yes zzz in 6th tree from current here found when sun in 108th degree got sweet sweet?
>>34703484"The fuck are you doing, ranger? You call that hunting?">What?"You need that fancy stick-and-string thing to kill a rabbit? Shit, I've killed ten of 'em this mornin' with my bare paws. Left a head in your rucksack.">Ten?"Yeah, ten rabbits. Also nine birds, and fifteen mice.">You were THAT hungry?"What does hunger have to do with killing?"
Herbivores are usually paranoid as shit in general, usually either being timid or anxious. Corvids are greedy, curious, and easily angered, however they can be cooperated with if they benefit in the end. Fortunately they accept most shiny things as a currency, in addition to food, housing, and protection. Wolves are proud but cooperative, the wolf must think it is being respected and honored at most times, or it must be forced to cooperate.Dogs have short attention span but are truly loyal. Cats are sociopathic as hell, and will twist and manipulate you as you try to do the same. Bears are anti-social and naturally aggressive to you, if someone is not either submissive to them or able to actually best them entirely (good luck with that!), they will not even consider communicating.Songbirds are very basic, they are happy to speak of what they see to the world, however there words are poisoned, those who listen to the singing of birds gradually look up to the sky, the urge to reach for the sky can become overwhelming to a weaker person. Parrots are greedy and loudmouthed, they will tell you what you want to hear, and a million things you don't, and they will demand reward and attention for each one, drawing you in if needed and threatening you if not. Large Whales tend to be slow to respond, processing time much slower than we do, one who wishes to speak to them must speak very slowly, and listen just as slowly. Smaller cetaceans are a very mixed bag, some will avoid you, others will work for base rewards, and others are more mysterious, either lying to you for attention or food, telling you half truths, selling your secrets, or being fully honest and coming through more. A small cetacean may be the daeth of you, or it may save your life when you least expect it to, however there conversation, regardless of there intent, tends to be relatively positive.[Cont]
Seals and Sea lions are much more base animals, often too focused on there own feeding and entertainment to learn anything of interest. They are often lazy and slow to cooperate, however if they do results can be impressive.Elephants are timid, territorial, and social, they will almost always attempt to either scare you away, or harm you. However, once you have either been around long enough to be ignored or have somehow proven yourself to not be a threat to the elephants family or group, they may cooperate with you, they have a long memory, a strong trunk, thick hide, and sharp tusks. Assuming you've survived the initial encounter and following, and you don't anger them ever, they can make a good ally, good luck keeping them fed and happy though if you go this route.Hippos are plain out assholes, they don't want you near them, and will go out of the way to keep you the fuck away from what they consider theirs. Rhinocerous are pretty much equally assholish in nature, they are even more difficult then hippos to convince.Rats are extremely social and emotional animals, they see many secrets in there day to day lives, and they will gladly trade them for the benefit of the group, a colony of rats make for an impressive spy ring. Unfortunately, they share a resentment against people for all the harm that has been wrought against them, it isn't easy getting over this. The only surefire way to ally with a rat is to oppose there greatest foe, cats. Warring with cats is even more dangerous than warring with people, as felines see and hear much in there day to day lives, its even rumoured they may walk the very lines of reality, and may be able to interact both the real world, and spirit world, you really do not want to fuck with them. Mice are the more timid, less intelligent, and more easily convinced of the two, however, as they aren't as smart, or as large, they will be unable to move into a place where rats have already claimed.
>>34706965Elephants confirmed for tsundere.
Mantis Shrimp are absolute psychopaths and homicidal maniacs.>I WILL FEAST ON THE BLOOD OF A THOUSAND FOES, I WILL DESTROY THE WORLD, THE FISHY WEAKLINGS WILL QUAKE BEFORE MY TALONS OF DOOM! I WILL-Female Warrior: "Hey Ranger, I like your animal companion, he's cute.">*Enraged Flailing* "THE FUCK DID THAT BITCH JUST SAY?! DID SHE JUST CALL ME, UMBURUK, BRINGER OF DEATH, CUTE! I WILL SHATTER HER SKULL, I WILL DRINK THE BLOOD FROM HER CRANIAL CAVITIES, I WILL STAIN MY PINCERS WITH HER SPINAL FLUID!"FW: "Aww, he's wiggling. What's he saying?"Ranger: "Well... Um...">TELL HER THAT I WILL SLAKE MY THIRST FOR DEATH BY SHATTERING HER EVERY BONE! I WILL LINE THE CAVE IN MY AQUARIUM WITH HER WOMB! I WILL MAKE A TOTEM POLE OUT OF HER FEMUR!Ranger: "H-he says you look cute, too.">YOU LYING COWARD!
>>34708162What about Peacock Mantis Shrimp?
>>34703313Koalas are dumb. Very Dumb. They focus only on the nearest eucalyptus tree. Speaking with them will only produce results if they don't know where the nearest one is, and you promise to give directions.>>34704384You see the new one?https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gNqQL-1gZF8>>34706965Unless someone is using speak with animals on cats, you don't have to worry.
>>34708213Like regular, only a bit more fabulous about it.>WHY DO THESE CREATURES EVEN BOTHER LIVING THEIR UGLY LITTLE LIVES. IT IS BETTER THAT I GRANT THEM A BEAUTIFUL DEATH, THAN FOR THEM TO CONTINUE BEING UGLY.Ranger: "Dude, really... Chill">YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SEE THE NUMBER OF COLORS THAT I DO. BY THE WAY, THOSE SLACKS MAY MATCH YOUR TUNIC TO YOUR EYES, BUT TO MINE, THEY CLASH WORSE THAN THE WIZARDS ROBE.
For "Speak with plants" there's always the amusing standbys of "I like water!" and "shit makes me grow!"
>>34708463That reminds me: Every animal with a cloaca will happily inform you of all the tricks it can do with its anus.
>>34704981>Ants and Bees that aren't queens only speak in "kek" and "Hue"Better idea: Bees and ants are commies.
>>34708588WORK HARDER FOR THE GLORY OF THE ANT QUEEN
>>34708162Fuck yes mantis shrimp!
>>34708588Ranger: "Miss worker bee, can you tell me anything about the destruction of these flowers?">Da, was very bad. Many gnolls come, stomp glorious motherhive's cherished nectar. many noble sisters died in defense of glorious motherhive. We drive gnolls off for time beink, but the future is problem, as we have not the nectar to feed the larvae. We would not ask normally, as is usually below glorious bee to do so, but are you havink the tea later? We would bee much in the debt to you if you give to us some sugar.
>>34708463I BREATHE YOUR OUTBREATHE
>>34708463THE DRUID IS A VEGAN, KEEP HIM THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!
>>34708446Mantis Shrimp Chaos Warband that simultaneously worships Khorne and Slaanesh when?
>>34709096probably never, I mean we would need like 8 of them to take down a forge world, you know how hard i would be to get 8 mantis shrimp to coopoerate and not kill each other?maybe 4... the 4 mantis shrimp of the apocolypse...
>>34708588Goddamn it T.H. White. Stop ruining King Arthur for me with your fucking political bullshit. And no, Geese aren't Anarchists either.
>>347091584 Shrimp of the ApocalypseAlso throw in a Cuttlefish Champion of Tzeentch as the strategist and its game over man. Afterall, even a cuttlefish can be a pretty big guy.
>>34706470>cat>killing a rabbitDo you know how hardcore fucking Rabbits are? Watership Down was practically a documentary, nigger.I used to own some when I lived in the city. They escaped at one point, and moved into my backgarden. They'd spend their nights battling rats, tearing them to pieces. And they'd spend their morning assaulting me as I brought food. So many scars...
>>34709248Slaaneshi Peacock Mantis ShrimpKhornate Mantis ShrimpTzeentchian CuttlefishNurglite ArmadilloWhy armadillos? they carry Leprosy, and occasionally the plague.
>>34709348why not a opossum?
>>34708213pic somewhat relatedfound recently.
>>34709316I had a cat who killed rabbits, ground squirrels, birds, shrews, voles, and managed to catch, but not kill, a god-damned ermine. my current cat has managed to actually KILL an ermine.
>>34709393Pit your cat against my rabbits.But remember: this was 15 years ago, so it would be your 1 cat against my 30,000,000,000 psychopathic rabbit warriors.
>>34709393my cat got in a fight with a fox once, now hes blind in one eye and has a white beard and white pants on one side (his fur grew back white when otherwise hes a black persian) sure he got torn up pretty bad and I had to take him to a vet but my point is he chased of a fucking fox!
>>34709441I need to see a picture of this cat. He seems interesting as fuck
>>34709504if this thread is still up when I get home tomorrow I will get his picture and post it.
>>34709316>Do you know how hardcore fucking Rabbits are?I used to trap and skin a lot, wild rabbits have a tendency to freak out easily, to the point of having a heart attack and dying in your hands.
>>34705406sloths are all secretly philosophers, they spend their days in repose as the ponder the queries of life.>why does the sun rise in the morning?>is love what i feel? or is it something i have?>why does this moss taste so good?>i wonder what the eyes of the trees see, do the trees feel me in their branches?>is life a gift or a curse?>where the fuck are my mangos?!
>>34709556Well, a) that's againt humansb) domesticated ones don't have that problemc) some species can reach up to 1 meter in length, and weigh some 30kg. Those can even do pretty hefty damage to humans when angered. Vlaamse Reuzen, we call them.
>>34705854>wis 13they must be worldly as fuck
>>34709556they're so fucking hardcore their hearts explode if they lose a fight?
>>34709556Damn son that's metal as fuck
>>34709640>I think I'll have to poop in a day or so... better start heading on down to the forest floor.>is this a branch, or my arm. let me grab it and see-*Woosh-THUD*
>>34709705>>34709692>>34709556Rabbits go all out, balls deep, no kill switch.
>>34709387man I wish I could see what they see
>>34710103Bloodlust and hatred?
>>34709316>I've never owned a catWhile I agree a full grown rabbit could take a cat in a fair fight, that's usually not what it is. My cats have killed so many rabbits that I wouldn't even need a calendar to know when spring is.
>>34710239well that and all the colors. also the magnetic field gradients.
>>34709672>Mr. Pig, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
>>34710287>lol, kid just eat the tootsie pop and be happy that you had a tootsie pop *SQEEEEEEEEEL*
>>34710243I have in fact owned dozens upon dozens of cats.17 at one time. All semi feral. They sure as fuck could not handle full grown rabbits, even when they organized.Are you American perhaps? Because I've noticed that in urbanized, western environs, cats gain disproportionately more size and mass. Usually fat, but they're still stronger. My portuguese cats were all fairly scrawny compared to Flemish Giants.
>>34710330are you talking about hares or rabbits? hares get to be a very large size while rabbits stay pretty small.
>>34708390>Koalas are dumb. Very Dumb.If you cast slow poison on them, they suddenly and temporarily attain superhuman intellect.
>>34710369http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6k01DIVDJlYwatch this to learn things about ducks that you will never unlearn.
>>34710330Ya, I'm talking about 12-15 pound (5-8 kg) cats and the rabbits are actually smaller when they're living in backyards and not actual wilderness where they can eat themselves enormous.
>>34710370Rabbits. But I am also talking about the largest species of Rabbit on earth. Fighting some *very* scrawny cats.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flemish_Giant
>>34710370Those words refer to the same general group of animals.
>>34710483Rabbits have domestic forms, there is no such thing as a domestic Hare, Hares grow from 2.5kg to 7kg, rabbits go from .7kg to 2kgHares live above groundRabbits burrowHares are non-social, rabbits are colony social. dont go talking shit you dont know about.
>>34703491Well, the whole idea behind gaelic druidism is that all of the universe is one, right? I think it's less that everything is sentient and more like everything is part of a greater awareness that spans all of nature.
>>34710537>rabbits go from .7kg to 2kgFlemish. Giants.You know jack shit about rabbits you homo.>As one of the largest breeds of domestic rabbit, the Flemish Giant is a semi-arch type rabbit with its back arch starting back of the shoulders and carrying through to the base of the tail giving a "mandolin" shape. The body of a Flemish Giant Rabbit is long and powerful with relatively broad hindquarters. Bucks have a broad, massive head in comparison to does. Does may have a large, full, evenly carried dewlap (the fold of skin under their chins). The fur of the Flemish Giant is known to be glossy and dense. When stroked from the hindquarters to the head, the fur will roll back to its original position. ARBA standard has seven different colors, black, fawn, light gray, sandy, steel gray and white. Their minimum weight for a senior doe is 14 lbs (about 6.4 kg), and the minimum weight of a Senior buck is 13 lbs (about 5.9 kg) (ARBA Standards of Perfection). A senior doe can take 1 year to reach full maturity. A senior buck can take 1.5 years to reach full maturity. It is not unusual to see a 10 kilo (22 pound) Flemish Giant.>10 kilos
>>34710591outsiders do not compromise the set fucker, 1 v 1 me IRL ill fucking fuck you. you will enjoy it so much you will never be able to look your gran in the face again without her knowing you are a poofter. ill fucking take you out to a nice steak dinner and make you feel like a real upper-class lady you fucker, ill fucking be your best friend m8.
>>34703581>>34703504>>34703493So very related.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFK2Xq2RyiU
>>34710698>1 v 1 me IRL ill fucking fuck you.I'm to normal sized people what a Flemish Giant is to Rabbits. Try me motherfucker. 6'5" 245lbs. DYEL bro?I also own like 100 of these fucking giant rabbits. Defeat the horde of crazed rabbits first, then face me!> granDead.>steak dinnerVegetarian.I find your offer really unattractive. Now learn about taxonomy or DIE!
>>34709348"In the embrace of great Nurgle, I am no longer afraid, for with His pestilential favour I have become that which I once feared: Death."
>>34710807>6'5" 245lbs>Vegetarian.How are you alive? Are you a subspecies of cow or something?
>>34710852Lots and fucking lots of oats. I mean, seriously. So many oats.Also, Dutch genes.
>>34710852As a same-height similar weight coming down off of lardass status, no longer.
>>34710807As you speak i am assembling a team of Frenchmen and Hollanders to find you and your adorable rabbitswe are going to subject you multiple times through history and eventually involve you in a far for the spanish succession, i will find you and i will make you speak french.tu est morte, petit merde
>>34710975>FrenchmenHAHAHAHAHAHA!Okay. Bring them. I will cook them some motherfucking ragout so delicious they will turn on you. This is why you breed motherfucking giant rabbits. >Hollanders>turning on their countrymenYou mean filthy immigrant Turks passing for Dutchmen, don't you? Fucking Muslims.
>>34711042>flanders>dutchu wot m8? ill fucking sell you to a Spaniard!
>>34711069It is rightful Dutch clay! Belgium has no right to exist! Split the shithole of a nation up and give Flanders to us. You French can have that shithole of a Wallonia.We also murder all the fucking Spaniards who showed up here. Admittedly with the occasional help of the Brits and/or Ice skates. But they still died.
>>34711154>implying Belgium isn't the best country in your fucking regionsaxons need not apply, this is frankish land nerd
>>34710871>Tfw great grandpa reduced entire families height after marrying a jewish girlI get how Oma was grateful for the whole saving her from nazis thing but still. It would have been nice to tower over a few people instead of being the shortest in the community.
>>34711216>frankish landYou lot haven't been relevant since 1815. Kindly shut up and let the important nations with actual trade and money talk.>Belgium>best anythingHave you been there? Bunch of drunks unable to speak either Dutch or French, with an obsession to mistreat the Congo. Violent cunts.
ITT: Why we never speak with Flemish Giant Rabbits
>>34711303>Netherlands>ImportantAhahahaha maybe compared to Lichtenstein
>>34711303were the only native culture group that is still growing, have fun being muslim.
>>34711306i kind of hope somebody screen caps this
>>34710474Jesus fuck, I'm doubtful if I could win a fight with that thing even if I had a shovel.
>>34711330As compared to France?>GDP (PPP) 2014 estimate - Per capita $49,765 (12th)France:>GDP (nominal) 2014 estimate - Per capita $36,537 (19th)As you can see, all you have is some fucking soldiers fucking around in Mali trying to be relevant by impressing the Africans.Now stop bothering the biggest port and petrol-chemical industry in Europe before we cut you off.>we'll intervene militarily!Germany has our back, bitch.
>>34711473Jokes on you, I'm American and too busy being awesome to care for tiny European nations.>53,142.89 USD
>>34711306>Belgium isn't even a real country, therefore I don't recognize you as a real dog breed, Malinois scum.>Oh shut it, you flop-eard fucktard! Don't you have a fat American neighbor to say "Hi-Diddly-Ho!" to, or something?>Least I'm known for more than fucking waffles, you useless sheep-fucker.>Watch it, hossenfeffer, you're looking dangerously edible right now...Modern Day Ranger: *sigh*
>>34712055Hey there.>GDP per capita $102,780See pic.
>>34711473>going by GDP per capita>barely a quarter the population of the almighty hexagon>raw GDP similarly barely a quarter
>>34712331>>34712157>>34712055>>34712023>>34711473Literally all of this has no relevance to this thread.
>>34712331>implying GDP per capita isn't the best measure to use>implying France hasn't been in constant Recession while Holland grew.Disbanding one's army saves so much money...
>>34712359>Literally all of this has no relevance to this thread.You either are a spoil sport or so fucking new you don't remember Nazi mod. You fucking faggot, trying to make people stay on topic. What do you think this is, /a/?
>>34712359This is a thread about speaking to animals.These are nationalists speaking.Thus, it is totally on topic.
>>34712447we are all roleplaying what animals would say if they could speakthey are all assholes
>>34712781That Dutch Rabbit needs to be like 4 times larger than the French one.
OP here, and I'm so damn proud of how derailed this thread has become. Also, thank you for the wonderful ideas guys.
>>34712781Those are HARES you fucking COCKMONGLER!We're talking rabbits here!
>>34712843Nah, that's just a halfling holding that rabbit.
>>34713006You sure?And regardless, Dutch are still on average a foot taller than the French. The Faggots.
>>34712843I_tried.jpg>>34712960it's much harder to find pictures of rabbits fighting, put up with it or make a better picture. Besides, hares are just as nationalist as rabbits.
>>34713182That picture is much better.>it's much harder to find pictures of rabbits fightingDid you even try. Pic relate.
>>34713228Those are fighting rabbits, not rabbits fighting
>>34713278That's a rabbit that has been fighting, not rabbits fighting.
>>34713302Oh for fuck sake.
>>34713349Rabbits have claws?
>>34713568Rabbits have "gore you and stomp on your entrails" claws. Rodents ain't nothin to fuck wit.
>>34713568All rodents do.
As with orks, both the Dutch and rabbits naturally consider the largest of a gathering to be the leader.
>>34710369I have actually stroked the underside of a goose's head before - it took a lot of luring them with birdfeed, and several tries before I found one docile enough I felt confident so much as touching it, but it was worth it.sooooooo softJust make sure you're a good food source, let them come to you, and don't move except to grab more food or back the fuck off if they start looking remotely pissy.
Reading this thread just made my shitty night so much better, I can't stop laughing.Thank you /tg/, never change.
>>34709316I dunno, you haven't seen what my cat (who is a tiny bastard) can do to rabbits. I live inside a nature reserve, so there's plenty of them around most of the year, which means most days we come home to dead rabbits on our doorstep with their brains eaten, from babies to adults. Hell, we've had a hare once or twice as well. He's a nasty bastard of a cat, and this is after we've stuck as many bells on his collar as we could.
>>34709549Bumping in hopes of seeing Raiden cat.
>>34703460You obviously have never had any sort of interaction with a duck
>>34703313All my pigs share a communist agenda.
>>34704981>geese are /pol/Fucking Jews, I can't wait till 2020, goddamn jidf. I can't wait till the next race war, lets hope Aryans do something right. HITLER DID NOTHING WRONG.
>>34719639Donald Duck is precisely how I roleplay all conversations with ducks in my games.And from here on out I'm making rabbits rabid nationalists obsessed with economic growth. "Carrot production has been falling this year, have you heard? Oh my oh my. Soon that fucking French burrow will be outproducing us. I think it's time for a war. A TRADE WAR! GNIEEE! GNIEEE!"
Bump for French bunnies.
>WHY ARE WE NOT ENTERING THE CAVE, SQUISHY RANGER?!Ranger: Look, Umburuk, the bandits are holed up in there. and that cave complex is somewhere in the mountain. We couldn't do much of anything right now, since the wizard is down.>YOU HAVE THE FAGGOT DRUID!Druid: For the last time, I am a Treant, a sapient tree, damn it.>YEAH, BUNDLE OF STICKS EQUALS FAGGOT. USE HIM?Ranger: How? He's only got Giant Growth spells, a few heals, and his Flemish Giant. A colossal rabbit will not avail us much...>OBAD-HAI'S BALLS, ARE YOU FUCKING DENSE? YOU GOT ME YOU MOTHER FUCKER. GIANT GROWTH FUCKING ME.Ranger: And what, you'll go into those tunnels and kill them?>NO, FUCKSTAIN. JUST GET THE FAGGOT TO DO IT, AND I'LL FUCKING SHOW YOU.Ranger: Fine, but no trying to kill the party.>DON'T PISS YOUR PANTIES, I AIN'T KILLING ANYONE, EVEN IF THE DWARF NEEDS HIS ARMOR SUNDERED BY MY DEATH TALONS.Druid: I really disapprove of this idea, but we have no other options...*Giant Growth is cast*>YES! YES! COWER BEFORE MY MIGHTY FRAME, YE GODS, AND DESPAIR!Ranger: You got what you wanted, now what.>HOLD THE FUCK ON.[Giant Umburuk starts tapping the side of the mountain]>OKAY MOUNTAIN, WHERE'S THE CAVITY THOSE FAGS ARE HOLED UP IN?[taps a spot. stands still. Taps it again to be sure]>GOTCHA, FUCKERS.Ranger: What are you going to->STEP THE FUCK BACK IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE BLOWN AWAY BY THE SHOCKWAVE, PUSSY.Ranger: Ummm. Everyone back up a bit...>BOOM TIME, SALLY!*KA-FUCKIN-CRACK* [the entire mountain collapses. Dead end for the bandits.]>THIS WAS OVER TOO EASILY. I DEMAND BLOODY SATISFACTION![A loud roar emanates from the crumbled mountain. some of the rubble collapses aside as the Tarrasque rises.]>A WORTHY FOE APPROACHES!
>>34722661Ranger: Kord's beard. The Tarrasque!Dwarf: Hope yer happy, ya durned fool ranger. Yer damned mud lobster's gone and gotten us all killed now.>MIND YOUR MEAT-FLAPS, ROCK FUCKER. THIS BEAST SHALL PERISH BEFORE THE DOOM THAT IS UMBURUK!Female Warrior: R-Ranger, do you have a plan.Druid: Ehlonna preserve us...[The Tarrasque approaches. It dwarfs Umburuk by a size category. It bellows a threatening challenge.]>YOU TALKIN TO ME? YOU FUCKING TALKING TO ME?! YOU BETTER NOT FUCKING BE RUNNING YOUR MANDIBLES, YOU FAT FUCK!*KACRACK* [The Tarrasque is slightly injured by the force of Umburuk's attack, but recovers quickly enough.]*GRRROAAAARR* [It bats the giant mantis shrimp aside, tearing off a single leg.]>OW, FUCKER. YOU WILL REGRET THIS. I WILL PERFORM A HAKA UPON YOUR DESSICATED HUSK! I WILL DROWN YOU IN YOUR OWN BLOOD! FAGGOT!Druid: Stop calling me a faggot!>SHUT UP FAGGOT AND HIT ME WITH THAT GROWTH SHIT AGAIN! I WANT TO STARE THIS FUCKER IN HIS BEADY EYES AS I DISMEMBER HIS FUCKING SOUL.Druid: I don't even know if that'll be enou->JUST FUCKING DO IT, ALREADY.[Giant growth two more times. Umburuk is now as tall as the tarrasque, but is at least thrice as long.]>GAME FUCKING OVER NOW, BOY! I'M GOING TO DESTROY YOU!Ranger: EVERYONE DOWN, NOW![Ranger tackles female warrior to the ground, Dwarf dives, Druid roots himself.]*CRACKING THE CRACK THAT CRACKS THE FUCKING HEAVENS.* [trees are flattened in a two-mile radius from the force of the shockwave. The hit to the Tarrasque is dead on, but instead of bisecting it, it launches the tarrasque. Tarrasque quickly becomes a reverse shooting star as it achieves escape velocity.]>AND STAY THE FUCK OFF MY FUCKING LAWN, SHITSTAIN![Overuse of giant growth causes the spell to fade almost instantly. Umburuk is back to his normal size. Entire party is stunned, and slowish to recover.]Ranger: Well, THAT just happened...Dwarf: Yer mud lobster actually was useful.
>>34722876>MIND YOUR MANNERS IN THE PRESENCE OF UMBURUK TARRASQUEBANE, WORM.Ranger: Good- Good job, Umburuk.Druid: I can't believe that just- what the fuck>Wow, you actually did something other than threaten everyone for once...>I DIDN'T SEE YOU FUCKING ANYTHING UP, PHLEGMISH.[Female Warrior scoops up Umburuk the Mighty, holds him to her chest like a kitten]FW: Thanks, cutie. That was awesome.>UMBURUK WILL LET THE "CUTIE" REMARK PASS THIS TIME, AS THE CREVASSE HE IS PRESSED AGAINST AT THIS MOMENT IS VERY COMFY.Ranger: He says "you're welcome."Don't know if the story was any good, but it's been brewing in my brain all night, and I needed to just put it down, lest I forget it.
>>34722986The saga of Umburuk Tarrasquebane was very amusing.
>>34713921>>34714117rabbits arent rodents. their lagomorphs,
>>34722661>>34722876>>34722986Greatest thing i've seen on /tg/ in a while.Imma have to make this character for the next game.
>>34709387That's fake. Optical trick. You can obviously see that the shrimp is much, much closer to the camera than the hand.
>UMBURUK IS PLEASED BY YOUR PRAISE, BUT IS STILL GOING TO DESTROY YOU, FOR IT IS A DAY ENDING IN "Y"
>>34724601For some reason I read Umburuk's lines in a crss between Khornate Berserker and Colonel Stinkmeaner
>>34724601>I hope Umburuk-Senpai will notice me!
>>34724764>UMBURUK HAS NO TIME FOR WINGED DAUGHTERS OF EHLONNA, FOR EHLONNA IS A VAIN, PACIFISTIC GODDESS OF NO REAL WORTH. BUT NOTICE YOU UMBURUK HAS, AND UMBURUK FINDS YOU WANTING.>>34724626>FALSE. YOU HEAR UMBURUK'S VOICE WHEN YOU HEAR KHORNATE BERZERKERS, OR THE VOICE OF FENRIS IN THE WARMACHINE PANSY-GAME.>UMBURUK IS REMINDED OF A QUERY BY FAGGOT-DRUID. FAGGOT DRUID, OVER A GLASS OF SUGAR WATER, ASKED UMBURUK WHY HE WAS FILLED WITH SUCH HATE AND DESTRUCTIVE DESIRES.>UMBURUK ANSWERED THUSLY:>"WHEN THE FIRST MANTIS SHRIMP, ULTUUK WAS BORN, IT WAS BY OBAD-HAI'S VENGEFUL HAND. HE FASHIONED A CREATURE NOT OF FUR, FLESH, AND LOVE, BUT OF CHITIN, SINEW, AND HATE. OBAD-HAI GLORIED IN HIS NEW CREATION, AND KEPT IT'S COLORS SIMPLE, AS OBAD-HAI HAD NO NEED FOR FRILLY OSTENTATION ON A PERFECT MURDER BEAST. THEN 'BEAUTIFUL' EHLONNA, CURSE HER VERY ESSENCE, SLIPPED INTO OBAD-HAI'S WORKSHOP, AND POURED ALL THE COLORS UPON ULTUUK, AND GAVE HIM THE ABILITY TO VIEW EVEN MORE 'BEAUTIFUL' COLORS. OBAD-HAI FOUND ULTUUK ALTERED SO, AND INITIALLY RAGED.>"BUT THEN HE SMILED THE SMILE THAT HERALDS THE DOOM OF THE WEAK, AND MADE THE MIND OF ULTUUK CAPABLE OF NO LOVE, SAVE THE LOVE OF BLOODSHED AND DESTRUCTION, AND NO JOY, SAVE THE JOY OF INFLICTING BLOODSHED AND DESTRUCTION. AND HE RELEASED ULTUUK UPON THE DEPTHS OF THE OCEAN, WHERE ULTUUK SLEW MANY OF EHLONNA'S MOST BEAUTIFUL FISH. AND HE LAUGHED.">WITH THE STORY FINISHED, UMBURUK THEN SHATTERED FAGGOT-DRUIDS GLASS, LAUGHED AS THE WATER SPILLED ACROSS THE TABLE, AND URINATED IN THE WATER, FOR THE SCIONS OF EHLONNA WILL FOREVER BE THE FAVORED TARGETS OF UMBURUK.
>>3472520610/10Umburuk (MIGHTY IS HE!) shall definitely be in both my next game and be forever indoctrinated as a major figure in my homebrew setting.And yes, it is now Nescisarry to state Umburuk's (MIGHTY IS HE!) name with the proper following supplication.
>>34725206Are Normal Mantises the spawn of Obah-Hai too, or are they Ehlonna?on the one hand thier freakish alien monsters who delight in slowly eating and ripping other creatures to peices, but on the other hand they are eerily graceful and pretty?Whats up with them? or do they share a similiar tale to the Origin of your kind?
>>34725206I fucking love umuruk (mighty is he!)
>>34709393I knew a cat who took down a deer. Bastard apparently when all drop koala of doom on their ass.Also had a dog who hunted birds without aid and one who would run down deer solo. There was also a cat who would bully the dogs including the guard ones.
>>34722876Can you actually get to 150 STR in D&D? I'm asking because this is the strength score you need to toss the Tarrasque off the Earth.
>>34727953I assume it got a bonus to it's strength for using it's tail. It's got a majority of the muscles, and it's like a octopus's ink jet in terms of acceleration power. Also I assume 150 str is what a BIPEDAL creature using it's limbs would need.
>>34725874>THE MANTISES ARE PRODUCTS EHLONNA, BUT WERE CREATED WHEN SHE WAS EXPERIENCING WHAT YOU HUMANS CALL "THAT TIME OF THE MONTH". THIS IS ALSO WHY THE FEMALES KILL THEIR MATES.>OBAD-HAI, TO HIS CREDIT, FOUND THIS HILARIOUS, BUT THOUGHT THEY COULD BE IMPROVED UPON. SO WAS THE GLORIOUS MANTIS SHRIMP CONCEIVED.>EHLONNA CREATED CATS, BUT OBAD-HAI GAVE THEM THEIR SEEMINGLY SPLIT PERSONALITIES. HE ALSO GAVE THEM A LARGE BREEDING RATE, AND AN ATTRACTION TO TIGHT DARK SPACES, AS HE FELT THAT HE DIDN'T FUCK WITH THE DWARVES ENOUGH.>PISTOL SHRIMP ARE AN ATTEMPT BY EHLONNA TO MAKE A SMALLER, CUTER, VERSION OF THE MANTIS SHRIMP. SHE DIDN'T ENTIRELY SUCCEED, AND THE PISTOL SHRIMP IS ONE OF THE FEW THINGS UMBURUK DOES NOT FEEL THE OVERWHELMING NEED TO KILL ON SIGHT.
>>34728100Oh Terrible Umuruk (MIGHTY IS HE!), May I ask of thee something? How would you like to be the resident God of Slaughter in my homebrewed setting? You can choose your Favored weapon, Have your own armies of rabid followers, and spend your down time Devouring/Crushing/Reforging/Tormenting the souls of Dead elves.
>>34712023>Glorious Denmark>58,929.62 USD GDP per capitaGo and shoot up a school or bomb a middle-eastern civilian or something.By the way, Holland, w-we're still bros, r-right?
>>34728506>UMBURUK FEELS THAT SLAUGHTER IS ONLY HALF OF THE EQUATION. MAKE IT DESTRUCTION, AND UMBURUK WILL ACCEPT YOUR OFFER. ALSO, AS ALL GODS NEED AN ODD DOMAIN OUT, KNOWLEDGE OR WISDOM WILL WORK, AS KNOWING HOW BEST TO APPLY CLAW TO EVERYTHING IS OF GREAT IMPORTANCE.>AS TO THE WEAPON, TWINNED HEAVY HAND AXES WOULD BE OPTIMAL KILL-TOOLS. THEY MUST BE ENCHANTED TO INCREASE HITTING SPEED AND POWER EXPONENTIALLY, AND PRODUCE SHOCKWAVES WHEN USED PROPERLY. THEY SHALL BE THE CLAWS OF UMBURUK. IF A SECOND WEAPON IS CHOSEN, IT WOULD BE A GREATHAMMER KNOWN AS TARRASQUE'S BANE, WITH AN INCREASED ABILITY TO LAUNCH LARGER FOES INTO THE AIR, AS WELL AS THE REQUISITE SPEED AND STRENGTH INCREASES.>FOR FOLLOWERS, ANY DRUIDS AND RANGERS ANGRY ENOUGH WOULD WORK, AS WOULD BARBARIANS AND WARRIORS. NO DWARVES, THOUGH. THEY ARE TOO OBSESSED WITH BUILDING THINGS. THIS IS NOT THE WAY OF THE MANTIS SHRIMP.>BEAR IN MIND, THOUGH, THAT I WOULD BE OFFENDED IF I WAS REGARDED HIGHER THAN OBAD-HAI, LONG MAY HE RAGE, AS WE MANTIS SHRIMP ARE MERELY HIS FAVORED SONS.
>>34728857>UMBURUK WILL RETURN LATER, AS THE SLIGHTLY-MORE-SQUISHY-IN-THE-UPPER-ABDOMEN-THAN-THE-RANGER WARRIOR IS OFFERING TO BUY UMBURUK LIVE CRABS TO MURDER AND EAT, IN THANKS FOR BITCHSLAPPING THE TARRASQUE.
>>34728857This world you shall come to visit has yet to feel Obad-Hai's touch, for it is a closed realm horded by an over-protective Over-God. You shall be among four Gods from beyond the realm's Sphere competing for power and a foothole against the native divinities.Also while Axes are a good choice, how do you feel about Scissors? They allow you to chop at someone while punching them!Also there are no Dwarves in this realm, Though there are Kobolds who have taken their place.
>>34729378>MAKE THEM KATAR AND WE'VE GOT A DEAL.>ALSO, AS FAR AS ARMS AND ARMOR GO, THINGS MADE FROM DEAD CREATURES ARE FAVORED. LEATHER, CHITIN, BONE, DRAGONSCALE, ET-FUCKING-CETERA.>ALSO, DURING UMBURUK'S MIGHT MURDER-FEAST, HE LIBERATED AN ONYX CROWN FROM A KING CRAB. IT IS BEFITTING OF ONE SO MIGHTY AS UMBURUK. BOW, PROLES, BEFORE YOUR LORD AND MASTER!Female Warrior: Awww, look at how happy he is with that ring on his head. He looks every inch the dashing king.>YES, KING UMBURUK THE TARRASQUE KILLER RULES OVER ALL!Dwarf: Tha' there ring looks dam' foolish on 'is 'ead.>YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH, ROCK-FUCKER!Warrior: Gee, he looks annoyed at you.Dwarf: Ah dinnae care f'e's pissed or no', he shouldn' be runnin' 'round wi' some damn fool elvish ring on 'is noggin. Fer all we knaw, t'could be enchanted, or cursed.>IT'S CLEARLY CURSED TO MAKE YOU NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP, FUCKER!Warrior: You shouldn't say mean things to Umbie, you know... But the ring does look enchanted. Those runes look like ancient elvish.Dwarf: Lemme get this ring off 'is skull...*SNAP CRACK*Dwarf: ACH YE BASTARD! YA SPLIT ME FING'R!>NOBODY TOUCHES THE CROWN OF UMBIE-ER-UMBURUK THE MAGNIFICENT, ESPECIALLY NOT A FUCKING DROW-DIDDLER LIKE YOU!Ranger: I'll... take him to see the wizard, maybe he'll know something.[a minute later, in the wizard's study]Wizard: Well, that ring is definitely enchanted, and definitely ancient elfin in origins. If I could just get a closer looook...[claws raise up in the air, full threat posture]>LOOK, BUT DON'T TOUCH, SPARKY!Wizard: Okay, okay, have it your way. Hmmm... Those runes almost look like the ones for "Metal" and "Decay". Now where did I put my runic dictionary... AH, here it is. Now... Metal and Decay, metal and decaaaayyy...[Wizard starts leafing through the tome, while the Ranger hovers over his shoulder. Unbeknownst to them, Umburuk slips away.]
>>34732031>>IT'S CLEARLY CURSED TO MAKE YOU NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP, FUCKER!oh god thats fucking funny
>>34732031Umbie-er Umburuk is mai waifu
>>34732031Wizard: Ah, here it is. Lessee, "Metal" and "Decay" in that configuration... translates to Rust-Strike? Ruststrike...[More leafing]Wizard: Okay, Rust Strike. "This enchantment allows the item, or it's wearer, to corrode any metal struck. An Iron Sword, struck lightly, will acquire a patina of rust. The same iron sword, struck heavily, will explode into rust flakes."Ranger: Wait, so it's basically a ring that makes you a Rust Monster?Wizard: Apparently...Ranger: Well, Umburuk, it looks like you will have to- Umburuk? Umburuk? Where did he get off to-[faint *snapcrack*]Dwarf[muffled]: ME ANVIL!Ranger and Wizard: Oh no...
>>34732227>NOW UMBURUK HAS THE POWER OF DEATH TO YOUR PRECIOUS METAL SHELL, BEARDFUCK!Dwarf: YE BLAGGARD, I'LL STOMP THA GUTS RIGH' OUTTAYE FER THIS![dwarf attempts to stomp Umburuk]*snapCRACK*[Metal boots disintegrate, dwarf's foot is split wide open]Dwarf: AAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!>YEAH, WHO'S A MUD LOBSTER NOW, YOU FAT BEARDED SLOB!
>>34709358Opossum's are cleaner than you might think. Their body temperature is actually too low for them to carry rabies
>>34703313>all animals share the same personalityDont be fagit, mix it up. Single Mother deer's are Clint Eastwood's, Alpha lions are queerbait, Eagles are emo about life and Moose are so fucking bored they WANT to talk to you.
Someone archive this please.
Okay, I have a storytime from a game that happened last night over Roll20.>Party is in the capital of the Hobbit Kingdom, which due to historical shenigans is ruled by an Elven noble who doesn't actually have much real power.>Party Monk's mom is friends with the noble, so he's giving the party a tour of the city>Druid wants to go see the theater>They head to the ampitheatre, see a plesiosaur in a large Sea World style glass container, with several halfling businessmen running the show, which is mostly an exhibition of a captured sea monster.>Druid gets overly excited, she and the 16 looks 13 [fucking elven aging] Mage go right up to the glass for a closer>She casts speak with animals, starts talking to the plesiosaur>Turns out the plesiosaur believes he's been taken from the world up into the heavenly spheres to the world of the gods>He thinks when he returns to the ocean he will be welcomes as a great teacher and mystic for his knowledge>The Druid girl asks for a kiddie ride>The Plesiosaur, thinking this is some kind of mystic rite, agrees.>Mage pushes her into the tank from his shoulders, halfling businessmen start yelling at her.>Mage throws himself up>They start doing laps on the dinosaur, who has gone into a zen trance due to contact with the 'gods'>Two Elven children continue doing laps when the Elven Noble gets back, sees their shenigans.>He casts Fly and starts heading their way>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qogVHlmFcx0>Druid convinces the skeptical Mage to cast Burning Hands to give them the juice to get away>He casts it into the water, all he accomplishes is boiling the plesiosaur's tail causing him to crash into the glass war, shattering the enclosure, flooding and soaking the first few rows of stands as well as the rest of the party.>Dinosaur keeps going, sliding and spinning out through the mud another twenty feet.>Noble floating above the muddy soaked kids laying on an injured plesiosaurDruid: "The plesiosaur said I could."
>>34732665"What is foolz?" and that's my final answer, Alex
>>34732380bull shit. I have seen one crawl out of a dead cows ass and have killed ones that where foaming at the mouth.
>>34733192foolz is dead anon.
>>34733625apparantly it's called archive.moe now, but I can still access it, including this thread. Or are you telling me it deletes dead threads now?
>>34734070foolz died the other day, they decided they no longer wanted to pay for it or take care of it and where looking for someone else to take it over. or they pull the plug.
>>34703313The first character I ever played was a gnome druid. My DM was a prick about those talk to spells. Magical item on stone alter that we quested long and hard for was missing. Use talk to stone, the stone was stoned. DM uses his stoner voice "Oh man, that thing that was on top of me? Yah, it like isn't here anymore man."Later, solving a blighter problem in the woods. Me all excited cause I get to get my druid on. Decide to speak with a tree in an area that appears to have been recently magically effected. /cast speak with plant. That tree, it hardly says anything, it wont stop screaming. Was also screaming in stoner voice. I ended up casting my own blight spell against the tree just to stop the screams. Only thing I learned is that my blight spell looked different than the blight everywhere else.But overall great for my first char. Nice DM and party. They were constantly amused as my good intentioned summon animal spells turned into animal abuse.
>>34722986heh these are great.
>>34732665It's archived, mah nigga. Vote away.http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive.htmlhttp://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/34703313/
>>34723108Lagomorphs are basically rodents, don't be fronting.
>>34732751Well I thought it was funny.