You are a Salami Sandwich.You are currently laying on a plate on a kitchen counter.some retard is stuffing you with tomato and mustard.Your soul mate, Miss bologna, was just kidnapped from the kitchen, the kidnapper drug her away screaming while smacking their lips.This is truly a horrible turn of events.>Insert action
Bite off the retard's hand with your mighty white bread teeth.
>MustardContact Geneva to register a crime against humanity
>>34258027There is only one solution.We must spoil ourselves and rob the kidnapper of the satisfaction!>MustardBetter be stone-ground, motherfucker.
She is a lost cause. Start eyeing up Mr. Prosciutto instead
Rolled 88 (1d100)>>34258027> AscendIs this how we roll now email field is gone?
Rolled 89 (1d100)>>34258027Roll to develop sapience.
He continues to stuff your mouth with tomato, his disgustingly dirty hands touch your Salami.This will not stand.You CHOMP DOWN with the WHITE POWER of the whitebread crust that have become your new fangs.His fingers are sliced through as he pulls his hand back screaming in terror.Your not satisfied yet.>Gained toppings!, Human Blood, Human Fingers.>Gained WHITE BREAD FANGS.He is currently rolling around screaming "CALL 911 WHAT THE FUCK"Another smelly human enters the room, using a phone to call a paramedic.>insert action
>>34258071>>34258098> rolled one more than meyou motherfucker
>>34258109Use our fangs to bite the phone cord! Or spit that filthy tomato into his mouth so he can't speak!
>>34258098You are already Sapient>>34258071You've already been blessed by Salami Jesus, This is the highest form of Ascendence you could hope for.
>>34258109Throw a tomato slice at him like a shuriken.Aim for the throat
>>34258109Fuse the Fingers to our Sandwichy body so we may launch ourselves at these wastes of humanity who dare call themselves cooks. Reave the one with the phone first, we can smell the stench of his fear from here.
>>34258144You must roll 1d100 for all tomato spitting actions.
Rolled 46 (1d100)>>34258180rollan
Rolled 55 (1d100)>>34258109Leap at the smelly one's throat! Bite down upon it and revel in blood!
Rolled 82 (1d100)>>34258180Very well. Trying to roll for the first time without email.
>>34258167Quck action: You shift your topping of fingers out of your whitebread, to form glorious legs, you look horrifying.>gained LEGS AND ARMS
Rolled 72 (1d100)>>34258167
You spit a tomato at the mans throat.>lost topping, tomatoIt hits home with a smack."Hello 911 what is your emergancy?"He can only respond with hacks and coughs.You scutter as fast as your legs can take you and JUMP WITH A SLAP OF SALAMI.Aimed directly at his throat!, you BITE AND TEAR.The human has been struck down!You hear the cries of your beloved!A human yells" HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK"As he rushes out the door of this small apartment.>Insert action
>>34258278Retrieve tomato from human's throat.
Rolled 98 (1d100)>>34258278Rolling to kiss de gurl
Rolled 12 (1d100)>>34258278Rescue her from her imprisonment. Bring her to the kitchen where she may feast upon the weak human's body.Their time is over. It is our time now.
>>34258278Rescue Waifich. Ride off to the sunset to live a life of adventure together.
You skutter to the deseased human, the other one is laying in a puddle of tears and blood.You retrieve your topping.>Gained topping! TOMATOThe human shouts! "Die monster"As he throws pots and pans in your direction.Roll 1d100 to dodge, DC 50, Best of three.
Rolled 77 (1d100)>>34258278Take out the fingerless one!>>34258317Holy shit this sandwich is a Casanova
Rolled 11 (1d100)>>34258357
Rolled 72 (1d100)>>34258357No tears now. Only blood.
>>34258357I'll just use >>34258366 as my roll instead, in this case.
>>34258317Your roll has been saved, future actions infolving kissing your wifuwich are now critical successes.---------------------------------------------------------------------You dodge the pots and pans with ease.You launch yourself and bite him in the head, jamming the skull into the brain!>Human has been struck down!You hear the tearing of tires, you skuttle over to the window, Salami flapping in the breeze of the AC.You see her!, sitting on the dashboard of the kidnappers car!.Police cars arrive and begin to surround the building.Kidnapper is having trouble starting his car.Police begin to raid the building.The CIA must have been tipped off about your awakening somehow.>insert action
>>34258451Jump out window and try to attract a bird to ride as a mount.
Rolled 68 (1d100)>>34258451Don a disguise of common paper to hide our new fingers. Assemble a parachute consisting of string and a plastic bag to level the confines of this hell and rescue the waifich.
Rolled 50 (1d100)>>34258451Use lettuce as wings to catch this kidnapper.
Rolled 63 (1d100)>>34258512Rolling for this
You charge your salami, once fully charged you aim yourself for a near by FALCON and DIVE OUT THE WINDOW.Glass flies everywhere below showering police, killing a few.You land on the back of the falcon using your macabre fingers to control his wingspan and fly twards the kidnappers car, he finally starts it and begins accelerating down the road at high speeds.The police open fire on you. Roll 1d100 to dodge, DC 70 best of three.>Insert action if success.
Rolled 98 (1d100)>>34258575
Rolled 36 (1d100)>>34258575this is making me...hungry
>>34258588Follow the car from up high before performing a leap of faith throught the windshield
Time begins to slow as you do barrel roles to dodge bullets.You can see them all slowly fly past you.The kidnappers car begins to loose the police, but its no match for the magnificence of FALCON FURY.One police car is still on your tail.You're homing in on kidnappers car.>insert action
>>34258588Land on the roof of the car and tear through it with our teeth.
You dive off the falcon, giving it a high five on a talon with your macabre fingers on the way.You land on the roof of the car, the police officer opens fire, and the driver swerves around trying to shake you off.You latch your magnificent white bread fangs into the roof.Roll 1 d 100 to stay on.
>>34258629Dive bomb the car, flip off a roll that is watching from a nearby window as we do so
Rolled 37 (1d100)
>>34258629Due to the fury coursing through our spongy flesh, we must grow a sausage and hatefuck our way through the driver side window.
Rolled 4 (1d100)>>34258677
Rolled 26 (1d100)>>34258677
A bullet goes wide, striking a pedestrian in the face.The kidnapper manages a swerve knocking you off the roof.You slap the ground with a smack and roll, brusing your previously magnificent white bread.The officers car speeds past you.Your on the middle of a highway, cars still speeding around.>insert action
Rolled 91 (1d100)>>34258758grab onto the first passing vehicle and attempt a car jacking. do we have a drive skill?
Rolled 5 (1d100)>>34258758We can't give up now! Roll to hijack the next car passing.
Rolled 73 (1d100)>>34258758Grow in size, until we are a behemoth of a bread.
>>34258758Grab some hard bread rolls from the local bakery and fashion them into wheels.
>>34258758Leap off the side, trusting in our low mass to protect us.
>>34258777Well you're obviously a much better hijacker than I.
>>34258801no worries man, it is all the same sandwich.
You jump and grab onto the latch of a speeding ferrari.You fling the door open, and shout "GET OUT THE FUCKING CAR"And grab him with a macabre finger and fling him out of the car.You speed up past cars and catch up to them.The police car tries to slam into your car!Roll 1 d 100 to counter!, DC 70
Rolled 17 (1d100)>>34258843
Rolled 77 (1d100)>>34258843ROLLAN FOR DRIFTOOO
Turn into a better sandwich.Pic related.
Rolled 79 (1d100)>>34258843DOING A PIT MANEUVER
>>34258872>no cheeseWtf are you doing with your life.
>>34258872Tastes like heresy!
>>34258843 forgot image. You swerve to avoid him, and then slow down and pull him into a pit maneuver, his car is thrown off the road and explodes!The kidnapper swerves off the road and begins driving through a mall, you follow, hitting as many pedestrians as possible!He crashes and bails, inside a hot topic heavily injured, he runs through the stock room.Police block off the enterances and exits to the mall as swat come in through the roof.You run down a swat officer and pick up his gun with a macabre finger and take chase into the stock room after the kidnapper and your beloved.Hes cornered, he puts her near his mouth, aiming his own gun at you."Get back or i take a bite!"Police are hot on your trail, only a short while before they corner you too.>insert action
Rolled 39 (1d100)>>34258936no time to think. shoot.
Rolled 62 (1d100)>>34258936Roll to shoot his smelly face before he can harm our beloved.
>>34258960>>34258960>>34258960DC 50, best 2/3
Rolled 29 (1d100)>>34258936A bullet won't stop a SANDWICH
>>34258936Use the tomato. Make them pay for their crime against nature, then end their threat once and for all.
Rolled 23 (1d100)>>34258973
Rolled 81 (1d100)>>34258984
BANG!The gunshot blares out, as his brains paint the monalisa across the stockroom wall.She falls from his grubby grasp landing on a pile of edgy quote Tshirts.You rush over to her, "Oh salami sandwich i knew you'd save me, i love you so much!"You pull her into the most passionate kiss of your lives, the swat storms the building aiming their guns at you, they hesitate, this is the most intense sight of love they've ever seen.Then FALCON BRO burst through the window, and picks you up flying you to safety.A police helicopter is hot on your trail though.You get a vision from your spirit guide."Hello chosen one, you've saved your wifu and returned chaos to new jersey, but your quest is not quite complete">insert response>Insert action
>>34259083Ask him what you need to doAnd spit a tomato at the helecopter
Rolled 77 (1d100)>>34259083Do what >>34259111 said.Ask him what he wants done, while casually spitting a tomato into the helicopter cockpit, skewering the pilot, causing it to crash into a nearby building.
>>34259083Ignore the voice and consume the waifu, incorporating her ingredients into our own.we can never allow ourselves to be separated again.
>>34259083"Not now spirit guide, I'm busy. Hit me up tomorrow.">Play "hide the salami" with waifuwich...if you know what I mean.
Rolled 65 (1d100)>>34259083This >>34259111
"What more could you need from me?"You respond, holding your wifu tight, you spit a tomato at the helicopter, it slaps on the windshield with a smack, causing him to swerve into a building and explode."The dark wizard maliek has begun to consort with the one known as Jared of subway, he plans on replacing all sandwiches as we know it with six inch phillycheesesteaks!, you must travel to his tower, in the heart of new jersey">Gained, Long hot salami sausage.>Lost, Tomato>insert action
>>34259202>insert salami into bologna
Dubs prove that chicken & bacon sandwich is best sandwich
>>34259221This and point falcon bro twards the tower.
Using your macabre fingers you point at the heart of jersey, Falcon bro nods and flies that way.You cuddle bologna tight, as you aim your Hot Salami sausage at her folds, you press it against her and tease her folds, it earns you a moan in response.You shove your sausage into her well cheesey lubricated folds causing her to let out a loud moan.Falcon bro blushes and looks away as you ravage your wifu's balogna.You quickly arrive at the dark tower, falcon bro drops you off at the roof, they'll never expect you to come in from here.>Insert action.>Take bologna with you?
>>34259311Tell bologna that we would never risk her, and for her to wait for our return. For we will return.Proceed to observe our surroundings.
You tell bologna that you'd never put her in danger and to wait for you at home, you share a passionate kiss as falcon bro flies her off, what a bro.You take a look around, it looks like a giant oblivion spire in the center of new jersey.What the fuck, this looks so suspicious.Theres a door ahead, it has a sign on it that reads "Secret entrance do not enter.">insert action
forgot my trip i changed computers. >>34259311>>34259399
Rolled 2 (1d100)>>34259399Cast Revoke Existence, exiling the tower with Jared inside.
>>34259399>Insert sandwich to door
Rolled 46 (1d100)>>34259399Remove door from premises.
You casually walk inside, the door slams shut behind you.You see malahck the dark wizard sitting in his chair with a grin!He says "You have fallen into my trap you imbecile!"You sarcastically say "Oh no its the dark wizard mala-malec-malo-ma-faggot."After he spins his chair around your assaulted by three phillycheesesteaksHis chair slowly moves down the stairs, because its one of those chairs cripple and lazy people have in their house to go up and down stairs.Hes laughing menially and uttering to himself how he can't believe you fell into his trap so easily.You've just been dogpiled by phillyfaggotsteak sandwiches.>insert action
Rolled 27 (1d100)>>34259573Three-Salami slice!
Rolled 17 (1d100)>>34259573Bite their heads off, absorb their strength.
>>34259573Use the hot salami!
>>34259609You attempt the fabled three salami slice, the elder spirit guide told you never to attempt this move, and for good reason.You smack yourself in the face with salami and look like an idiot.The philly steaks both hold you by the fingers and begin to slap you around with steak held on by strings of cheese. The humanity!>insert action
>>34259573touch them in inappropriate places until they let go!(what do sandwiches have instead of navels? Whatever it is, touch them there.)
Rolled 18 (1d100)>>34259664It was unwise of them to make contact. Convert them into pure biomass.
Rolled 44 (1d100)>>34259664Bite one of them in half, shove your sausage inside another, then beat the third with bits and pieces of the one you bit in half.
>>34259685this, but now in response to >>34259664 this post.
>>34259664Grab the cheese and use it to pull them into our breadteeth.
>>34259705>>34259705>>34259685Roll 1d100, DC76 to brutally molest, and tickle the sandwiches.
Rolled 5 (1d100)Become so consumed by fury that our rage makes us become toasted. The fierce radiating heat will repel these foes.
>>34259664Use their cheesy strength against them. Flow past and around their graceless blows.
>>34259733>>34259685>>34259705Course of action>rape and tickle sandwiches into submissionIs this what you want?
Rolled 67 (1d100)>>34259755
Rolled 17 (1d100)>>34259764it's for a good cause.
Rolled 91 (1d100)>>34259764B-but the email field. It's gone!Gonna try anyway
This is wonderful.
You see your opening, you grab a string of cheese with a macabre finger, and fling it around the philly to tie her up.You then break away and grap the second philly and throw her onto a pile with the first and grab the third and throw her onto the recovering second.They try to escape but you assault them with the most brutal tickles ever, she can't control herself a cheeses on the floor, gross.What was that wizard thinking?, trying to "trap you" with these sexy cheese steak maidens.You force them to mush together and shove your sausage into the middle one without warning.Your glad miss bologna isn't here to see this!You take turns thrusting and filling the fillies with mayonnaise.When your done they can do nothing but lay in the pile and beg for more, their steaky minds obviously broken.Shit you've wasted alot of time.You hurry and rush down the stairs, you see that him and his slow chair have just made it to the spell circle, jarred is tied down in the middle, ritual knife lays beside his head, hes naked covered in philly cheese steak ingredient.>insert action
Fucked up the trip again.
Rolled 37 (1d100)>>34259965Stick sausage in Jared.
Rolled 75 (1d100)>>34259965Gather Tomato mana. Stomp the ground, cracking the floot and breaking the spell circle!
Rolled 12 (1d100)>>34259965Eat the wizardOh the irony
Rolled 78 (1d100)>>34259965Discuss the merits of Keyesian Economics.
Rolled 52 (1d100)>>34259965Eat the wizard!
Over the course of the intercourse you've been gathering tomato mana, you've got this.He stumbles over and picks up the ritual knife, you jump over the railings!, growing tomatos on yourself to stop the fall!You spit a tomato at the knife, knocking it out of his hand, Jarred is screaming for help, you pay no heed.You slam the floor, tomato splatter ruining the ritual circle.Malack cries out, "Noo you bastard what have you done?"You rush over to jarred, sausage still hard dripping with mayonnaise and call out in response."in the short run, especially during recessions, economic output is strongly influenced by aggregate demand, and thats why your plan will never succeed!"You then slam your meaty shaft into jarreds behind, the circle glows red with tomato.The entire tower shifts and changes into freshly sliced salami and begins to fall apart as you remove yourself from jarreds nolonger virgin hole.The old wizard sputters through tears, " i don't understand"You reply coldly, "You were never meant to"As you jump at him and open your jaws, devouring him whole.Falcon bro arrives and gives you a lift to your the apartment where this all started.You sit down with bologna and watch the first season of true blood on DvD while she sucks the mayo off your salami.Your spirit guide texts you, "Balance has been restored to new jersey, i thank you chosen one, we will meet again, as your quest is far from done.">Good end>..... for now.
I dunno, i think its over.Unless you'd like to see this again sometime in the future.I had fun, peace yall.
>>34260186Thank you good sir. Thank you.
>>34260241Thanks for the thread op
>>34260186I'm not sure what I've been a part of, but it was glorious. Thanks OP
>>34260241Don't overdo it, OP. Keep it as a once-in-a-while affair, or you'll burn yourself out.
>>34260241epic bread op
>>34260305I was going to do it as a possibly once a few weeks thing.
>>34260596shit it cut off the part where it says>..... for now.
>>34260596You missed the for now part, but its great thank you so much.
>>34260423Next week... Reuben Quest!
>>34260596>>34260617>>34260931>>34261106i decided to stop being lazy and fixed it
>>34259965Dammit that made me a little horny.
>>34261160Your a hero anon.>>34261686I've gotta be honest here, it gave me an erection.
what the fuck am i reading?
>>34262166The greatest quest ever.
>>34270503It's in the archive, it's cool, we can enjoy it there man no need to perform necromancy from page 10
I still dont understand what you people have against mustard
>>34258109>his disgustingly dirty hands touch your SalamiI'm in my mid twenties, I shouldn't be amused by this.