August 6th, Day 60 of broadcast, Year 1 P.E.W.
The first year Post-End-of-the-World.
At any rate, welcome back to the dawn, Two Rivers and Surrounding, and it's time for your Morning News Update! In Regional, the 34th Infantry has reported that the Duluth militias have finally become organized enough to take over from the Weekend Warriors! That's right, you heard it here first, ladies, gents, and otherwise- the Big Bad Red Bull is coming home!
And in Local today, a bit of amazing and amusing information for your edification-- namely, that the local Chief of the Cops has been burned while in the backroom! No joke, kiddos- Police Chief Penworth of the West St. Paul District was found in the wee hours of last night handcuffed up, stripped clean of cash and, well, just about everything else! A-paarentlyyyy, the good Officer was attempting to "strip-search" a female in the boiler room of his station. However, his charge seemed to object to this and, well, cleaned him out.
While I'm letting you let the mental image of Chief Penworth naked get hard-burned into your cerebellums, it may interest you to know that the chief has been "indefinitely suspended" by Cop Central, and Police Commissioner Vanderhousen has declared a medium-scale manhunt for the woman responsible. But our Miss Fortune's rum luck hasn't all fermented yet- Penworth has also sworn to find the, and I quote, "conniving bitch", and bring her in himself. Just what we need, eh? A vigilante debarred police chief. If I were you, Twosies, I'd load those guns now and keep a watch out.