Alright, alright, calling this meeting to order. Whoever that cherub belongs to, get it out of my face before I kill it.First item on the agenda is the "You Can Have My Fur-Trimmed Gilded Purple Cloak Embroidered With An =][= When You Pry It From My Cold Dead Fingers" initiative, raised by Inquisitor Nedweir. As we all heard at length from the good Inquisitor, he believes that placing dress parameters on the conclave would be needlessly stifling. Any comments on the proposal to bar such requests?
Well, it's not mine.In regards to the issue on dress parameters, I could not agree more with my esteemed colleague Nedweir; I know a goodly number of inquisitors who still like to get their hands dirty, and sometimes that requires subtlety - subtlety that can not be attained with the stylized =][= stamped on every article of clothing they own.Revise the dress code! So long as they have their rosette about their person, I'll be happy.
Inquisitor Jebidair to speak,Inquisitor Lord Leopold, in 982.M36 did proclaim, "Let none bear the Seal of Office nor shoulder coverings smaller than thine head, lest he be deemed a heretic!" Therefore, I move to maintain the codes, as was written by our betters!
I propose we hang anyone who wants us to have a dress code. Hell, we don't even NEED clothes. If I want to walk around naked, with only the rosette around my neck for protection, then so be it!Clothes. HA! I didn't need clothes when I burned the heretics on Septis Prime!
>>33086339Jebidair, with all due respect, Leopold reeked of the hardline monodominant - his tactics were effective, but destabilizing. We must be the scalpel that cuts out the cancer, not the hammer that ruins all.>>33086372Hear hear! I applaud your bravery, brother inquisitor, but could you have at -least- worn clothes to this meeting?>>33086250Are there any other issues that need seeing to, milord? I have reports to read and a mistress on Mars.
>>33086484Next on the agenda is the "Fuck Psykers" initiative, submitted with what appears to be a pict of Inquisitor Lictuss' testicles. All in favor of a Carta Extremis?
>>33086551Aye. I also apologise for the state of my attire. My name is Inquisitor Redhar Sul and I come with a matter of great urgency. On the planet Dee in Clover IV sector there has been a Slaneeshi uprising unprecedented in scale. I come to ask for assistance from all Ordos.
>>33086612The Ordo Modicus will come to your aid, Inquisitor. We will send our finest warriors.
>>33086551Nay. I see no reason to devote more resources to an issue that will not go away regardless of how many planets we glass. Psykers are being managed well enough under the current plan, and we have more concerns than just them.
>>33086551But Lord Yelden, how do ~you~ know what Lictuss' testicles look like?...Pardon me milord, in all seriousness, I think we should keep him around. He is a silly man, and grants levity to otherwise serious situations.We mustn't listen to him though, oh no.>>33086612Speaking of serious, this sounds most terrible! I shall pledge a dozen of my acolyte cells to assist you.
Such as Slaaneshi uprisings. I propose we glass Dee in the Clover IV sector. With special attention paid to our late colleague Lord Birkenhower's estate... The fool died before paying me back for his psycannon!
>>33086612Such a dire situation. I shall send word for armaments and supplies to be prepared. Your troops will want only for blood when you return.
>>33086641>>33086690>>33086730My gratitude knows no bounds, with your mighty aid none shall prevent the cleansing. I'll commence preparations for the Exterminatus fleet to depart at once - for there is no time to lose. I bid farewell to fellow servants to our Most Gracious Lord. Emperor protects!
>>33086892You know who's responsible for this, right?THE TAU.
>>33087275I vote we don't listen to this goy'la, he has no idea what he's talking about.
>>33087314Brother Inquisitor, pardon my interruption but you seem to be a bit bluer than usual. Perhaps you need to expose your skin to the sun more?I recommend nude sunbathing. It does a body wonders.
>>33086679I am a Lord Inquisitor, it is my business to know these things.
>>33087332It's, you know, a terrible, uh, skin disease. Picked it up... somewhere far away from the glorious Tau Empire.
>>33087346Tell me you don't take furtive pictures of everyone's genitalia, esteemed lord inquisitor.
>>33087420Very well, I will not tell you that.
>>33087372Ah, yes, the Somewhere-Far-Away-From-The-Empire System. I'm familiar with that place. Why I too once caught a terrible rash on a vital part of my body. Would you care to see?Comparing diseases is the first step to feeling better about having them, after all.
>>33087477Why certainly, brother human inquisitor, I'd love to see your disease.
>>33087275<INCOMING ASTROPATH MESSAGE. PLEASE IGNORE THE DEAMONIC SCREAMING.>I am aware that both the upstart Tau and the wretched Dark Eldar have taken part in this debased act of leading a once faithful Hive World to damnation. However, it is the Ruinous Powers that would dare lay claim to the world rather than just annoy it, and thus it is them that we will fight. Wish me luck, Inquisitors. A glorious battle rem-<THE AMOUNT OF THRONES ON YOUR ASTROPATHIC ACCOUNT IS: ZERO. PLASE CONTACT YOUR ASTROVOX PROVIDER>>>33087477Been there too, what a fine paradise world. The women there are quite different, but I never could quite discern what was the matter with them. The only bad thing was food - raw fish and noodles all day.
While we're on the topic of exotic diseases, has anyone seen my stash of Life-Eaters? I seem to have... Misplaced them.All things considered, finding them would solve our problem with assorted Xenos on our Hive Worlds as well as my problem with misplacing my things.
>>33087589Don't you see? The Tau are behind the rise of the Dark Powers. I have reason to believe they did so by sacrificing human babies to their evil alien gods and drinking their blood.
>>33087624Why not use atmospheric incinerators?Brother inquisitors, it has come to my attention from Inquisitor Chicken Boo that there is an infiltrator among us. Remember to stay vigilant!
>>33087589Women being strange is common on every world, Brother Inquisitor. Just a few weeks ago I spent quite a lot of time with these odd humanoids. Kept calling me a 'Mon'keegh' or something similar to it, and they insisted on wearing these large gemstones on their chests all of the time.They also had exceptionally pointy helmets, too. Strangest experience of my life. Well, that and the time I ran into these strange, squat, bearded men.
Someone Diabolisuc Extremis that man! He dared speak about... THEM!Also, Brother Chicken Boo is notoriously paranoid. Why, he broke up a most lucrative and informative deal I had with an eccentric Medicae who called himself Fabius McTotallyNotBileReallyISwearToSlaanesh. A most delightful fellow, really.
>>33087727I am not sure that would burn the spores and prevent them from spawning new Tau Boys.That's how Tau work, right? Something like that.
>>33087744Squat, bearded men? Most interesting, Inquisitor, through my service in the ranks of Ordo Xenos spans many years never have I heard of a more ridiculous creature. That reminds me, I recently requisitioned a Leviathan transport for a battlefield command centre role. The cost of it all was too ridiculous.>>33087744Aye, this is true. I even remember Inquisitor Fargrom obsessed over some pink-skinned female. Constanly rambled on how her tongue was bringing him great delight. What a shame to now see him as an amputee.
Ah, gentlemen, I see the meeting is already well underway. How awkward. However, I have brought a bottle of excellent Savarinian Amasec, an excellent vintage from M41.927, which I hope will lessen the weight of the topics at hand, at least a little.>>33087744What... Interesting cutoms. Where is this planet you speak of?>>33087780If I were you, I'd trust Brother Chicken Boo' judgement. He has proven himself to be a model Inquisitor in every regard, even if he seems to... Attract Warp-touched madmen who proclaim him to be a giant avian. If I had to guess, it might be a curse some heretic placed on him
>>33087905EMPEROR'S TEETH, HE'S A GIANT CHICKEN WEARING A HAT! HE CAN'T EVEN TALK! HOW DO YOU PEOPLE NOT SEE THIS?
>[PRIORITY VOX-CHANNEL-MCCCXVIII-OPEN-CLEARANCE GRANTED-OBFUSCATION PROTOCOLS IN PLACE-IMPERATOR DOMINUS]Inquisitor Wilson reporting in, I have... great news! While overseeing the transfer of Magos Pavel, another heretic came into our custody. They-he was pursuing the Magos. Interrogation will commence while en route to HQ. Encoded, I'm transferring the full manifest of all souls on board this shuttle.Inquisitor Wilson out.>[CLOSING PRIORITY CHANNEL]
Now now, simply because Brother Chicken Boo has had extensive avio-juvenat treatments doesn't mean you can insult him. And I find his hat to be the height of Inquisitorial fashion. Why, look at the rosette, perched at such a jaunty angle! Absolutely spiffy!
>>33088067This is what we get for letting hardline radicals into the meetings.Someone eject this madman.
>>33088248I don't envy Brother Chicken Boo. Having to regularly put up with this...
>>33087905>If I were you, I'd trust Brother Chicken Boo' judgement. He has proven himself to be a model Inquisitor in every regard, even if he seems to... Attract Warp-touched madmen who proclaim him to be a giant avian. If I had to guess, it might be a curse some heretic placed on himSadly such delusions with regards to the loyal agents of the Inquisition seem to be on the rise. Why I recently had some serious problems with some backwater planetary governor detaining an entire cell of my acolytes, accusing them of being xenos of all things!I went there personally and set him straight, Interrogator Grotkicka and his acolyte boyz are some of my most valuable assets and have proven themselves time and again ever since I recruited them from an Imperial Guard outpost on Armageddon a few years back.
I would like to raise the question as to why there is a "NO GIRLS ALLOWED" sign on the door to the chambers.
>>33088067Inquisitor Mervain, clearly your judgement is clouded.
>>33088341Really it's for their own safety, we don't want a repeat of the incident last time.Isn't that right, Lord Inquisitor Yelden...>>33087438
>>33088341I will have acolyte Mika harshly disciplined - his pranks are way out of the line.
>>33088341You dare question the ancient customs of this conclave? I mean, there is a reason why we always assemble in this specially built, secure council room suspended atop the tallest tree of Conrad V's ancient forests.
>>33088377Ah, yes, I remember that. Good times, good times... I mean! Have we ever cleared Inquisitrix Jane for duty since her Yelden-caused psychological trauma?>>33088327Wasn't Grotkicka the beefy chap who quite literally stomped his way through the battle of Verdunxis Prime, paying no mind to casualties on either side? I remember that report. Good chap, he's got a bright career ahead of him.
>>33088355HE'S SHITTING ON THE FLOOR AND EATING BUGS. HOW DO YOU NOT SEE THIS?
>>33088327Oh yes, I recall reading the reports of their successful raids on heretics and recidivists alike. In fact, their methodology greatly reminds me of the legendary Deathwatch cell of Tiji sector, which I suppose is a testament to their efficiency
Oy, fancy humie boss ladz. I'z likes you start muckin' about more pressin' mattars. Me finest sneaky gits repurted det dere's some weedy runt in 'ere, makin' us fink he'z a humie too! But he'z not! I knew it, har!
>>33088377It's not my fault the good inquisitrix overreacted so strongly to a simple physical examination.
>>33088478Bathsheba, please! Restrain yourself! This is why we can't have nice things! Or girls, for that matter.
>>33088478Yes, and we regularly eat corpse-starch, how is that any different...? Anyways, where are the Stormtroopers to remove this- oh, they are still struggling with climbing the tree. I suppose ancient customs -can- bite us in the ass
>>33088499Oim da most speshil and no tings you lot don't so oi iz deffinitly a stupid umie
>>33088438Doesn't your mother own this forest?
>>33088478Oh please, Inquisitor. That Lord Chicken Boo stopped a recent Tyranid incursion of Hive Fleet Lumbricia with its deadly Mawloc swarms is not only a deed of great honour, but also a culinary accomplishment.
>>33086250XENOS!? HAS ANYONE SEEN ANY XENOS!? I WISH TO PURGE XENOS! XENOS!?
>>33088529And suddenly my proposal to equip all of our men with reconsecrated Jet Packs doesn't seem like such a bad idea, now does it?
>>33088557But dat Batsheba git! A sneaky not-humie if yer askz me. Oy, Batsheba. Why'z your tusks all stickin' out like some kinda facemuncha squig?
>>33088511This is unbelievable!And whoever just stole my undergarments from under my dress has thirty seconds to give them back. I'm actually sort of impressed as to how you managed it but still.
>>33088507It would be all well and good if a simple physical examination was the extent of your activities, Lord Yelden, and I'm certainly not alone in appreciating the slide show you put on which proved without a shadow of a doubt that Inquisitrix Jane most definitely had no mutations about her personage.However, I would greatly appreciate it if you never again forward picts of my genitals to the Admech Biologis for inclusion into a new forbidden tome of xenobiology claiming it to be a newly discovered species of Xenos Horribilus, the so-called "One-Eyed Spitting Warp Snake".I'm still trying to gather together every copy of that edition to this day!
>>33088652I wouldn't know anything about that. It was probably the Alpha Legion or something.
>>33088567Why yes, it is ancient familial ground. Thus, its security is guaranteed not only by the Inquisition, but also House Sarcosuchus' own troops! That, and this way we don't have to spend as much on catering for the meetings, as it is the dynasty's sacred duty instead.>>33088575Shhh, shhhh. There are plenty xenos out there. But in here, there is only amasec. Please Inquisitor, drink this glass. It'll calm your nerves.>>33088590It would be okay, but the fact they're Astartes-sized AND you just happened to come across them on the recently war-torn Follicle Tertius makes me a little weary
Howdy, fellow aquila-toters. Are we gonna do inquisitory... stuff today?
>>33088692How many times must I stress that they are NOT Astartes-sized, they're Ogryn sized! And leave my three hairs out of this.>>33088662Do you know, I happen to have a copy of that very tome myself! If you want it destroyed, I would be happy to oblige. As long as you support my Inquisitorial Stormboy-Trooper motion. Quid pro quo and whatnot, you know?
>>33088685Honestly Bathsheba, if you're going to run around naked save for some armor plating on your back, we can hardly complain about Inquisitor Yelden's actions, can we.>>33088768Sure, why not, a jetpack for every Storm Trooper. Heck I'll support a jetpack for every member of the Administratum if it will help me put an end to those blasted tomes.
>>33088662Damn you, I just spilled my glass of amase- I-I mean, that is quite a disgrace.
>>33088639Am I the only one who is looking at a poorly disguised ork? Really people?>>33088679...Say, are those upward-facing pict-capturers on your shoes, Lord Inquisitor?
>>33088830Gentlemen! And Bathsheba, I suppose. Really! How are we supposed to get any "Inquisitory stuff," as our esteemed colleague has said, done, if everyone insists on slinging around accusations of Heresy and Xenosity as if they were going out of style!?
>>33088830So now not only are you insulting Brother Chicken Boo, but Inquisitor Spleenrippa as well? Once those throne-damned Stormtroopers figure out how to climb this tree, you're in for an Conclave hearing, Inquisitrix!>captcha: neighboring urgothOh, this reminds me, what is the deal with the Urgoth sector? There's been a complete Astropathic silence coming from the sector for a month now!
>>33088692Would that be why the servo skulls insisted on sterilizing me of "cooties" and tried to get me to strip naked for it?
>>33088956You make light of Cuterius Omnicidibus - commonly known as "cooties" - now, but I assure you, once you watch a woman's skin slough from her bones with a sickening "flurp" you will no longer make light of this threat...
>>33088830Why, of course not, young lady, they are simply a new style in Necromunda. Whoops, dropped my quill. Be a lamb and bend over to pick it up for me.
>>33089017Indeed, that disease may be one of the darkest creations of the dark forces of the Warp yet...
>>33088830Git a load of dis git. U speakz loik some sorta madboy. Drink yer some amesek so you'z roit and proppa calm.>>33088877Urgoth? Har har har... wot in da world could 'ave happen der.
<INCOMING ASTROPATH MESSAGE. PLEASE IGNORE THE DEAMONIC SCREAMING.>This is Inquisitor Erasmus! We're hard pressed at Clover IV! The heathens have boarded The Pride of Ryza. We need assist-<THE ABONENT IS CURRENTLY UNAVAILABLE. PLEASE VOX LATER>
>>33089154That... Actually explains a lot. Speaking of, what happened to dear old Regin? Last I heard, he was vacationing on Urgoth.
>>33089017First Inquisitor-General Ripper claiming I wanted to steal his life essence, now this! Why was I even made an inquisitor? I was just the late Inquisitor Regin's secretary!
>>33089180Hmmm. Perhaps we could request some divination concernign the Urgoth sector's affairs? Anyone got a deck of Emperor's Tarot?
>>33088956One can never be too careful with cooties, we once lost a whole system to a particularly virulent strain because its people were lax in their devotion to proper prevention.>>33088944I heard that Inquisitor Madfuck... sorry, Inquisitor Mardfique, went there to deal with a minor infestation of grots on one of their hive worlds.So knowing Madfuck, he probably unleashed two dozen greater daemons to purge the grots or something.
>>33089231Of course, I always carry one on me. Although I fail to see how a game will grant us mystical insight... Still. Ante up!>captcha: eeplamm Emperor. I think we should execute the webmaster for this or something
>>33089180Officially he died bravely fighting a heretic cult. Unofficially, it involved a greased grox, an Agonizer and six specially trained midgets. That was the worst discovery of my life.
While we are on the subject of foul xenos, what will we do against the rising necron threat? My conclave have developed an ingenious plan consisting in capturing the large magnifi... monstrosities they lead into battle and join those together. this would probably whipe out the entire necron race right away.try to prioritize the ones marked "the deciever"
>>33089178Eh, he'll be fine.
>>33089275>Officially he died bravely fighting a heretic cult. Unofficially, it involved a greased grox, an Agonizer and six specially trained midgets. Good times, Inquisitor Regin sure knew how to protect the Imperium.>>33089178Shut up Erasmus, we're dealing with important business here. Every damn time you've just got to be a drama queen.
>>33089279I wouldn't touch any of the horrors the Necrons use in their warfare even with a ten-foot Null rod, much less put them together like pieces of a grotesque puzzle...
>>33089231Yep. Oh, wait, no, sorry, that's my Scrum deck. Aaand that's my Slummer deck. And that's a pair of marked cards for, uh, well, nevermind. Wait, just one of these pockets...Bothersome bolt shots why do I carry this many useless belts and oversized pocket...There we go. Yep. One deck of the Emperor's Tarot. Let me just fish out that ace there, that's for another game.Incidentally, anyone want to have a friendly card game for a few Thrones? Now we have that delightful bottle of amsec, we can get a nice little pot going while we debate whether or whether not to glass Clover IV?
>>33089275That... Also explains much. My my, this is a productive Conclave.>>33089279You are aware that the Deciever is names such for being useless in terms of everything except lying? And the Nightbringer is wonderful if you hate tanning. No, the only way to deal with the Necron threat is to breed our own PokeGods. I'm working on one that I call the Crystal-Silicon Hominid. Geodude for short. Tests prove promising, apart from the minor difficulties I have encountered with creating living rocks.
>>33089053I'd slap you but you'd get an erection.
>>33089344Wots an erekshun?
>>33089329Why are we even debating it? We always vote yes in the end and you all know it.
>>33089344You say that like there's something wrong with standing the Little Emperor at attention.>>33089329I'm always up for a game, what's the ante?
>>33089344Too late for that, lamb chop!>>33089377You and your sense of humor, Spinerippa!
>>33089326I am just saying it would be helpful, that's all...you could really just release them into the wild or evaporate their bodies with lassfire if you would preffer that. at this pace I.... that is to say THEY, should be trancendant by the end of the year anyway
Rolled 10>>33089329>>33089271Alright, now gimme a second, and we shall see just how much trouble is brewing in the Urgoth sector...>roll determines how fucked the Urgoth sector is, on a scale of 1 to 100
>>33089378Well, it's my fervent hope that somewhere in the debate one of you'll be a bit distracted and I can mysteriously come up with a full set of Saints.I mean. Erh. We should always strive to maintain proper standards of behaviour when unleashing our planet destroying powers against our own stewards? Ever since I caught that "Reverse Inner Monologue" memetic virus card games really haven't been the same. And I do hope you realize that if we glass Clover IV I stand to win my segmentum's betting pool.Ignore that last sentence.
>>33089389Don't. He always brings his optimised Shattered World deck designed to kill your card gain before second phase.
>>33089444Well, I'll join the card game provided Yelden puts the pict recordings from his recent visit to the Order of the Sacred Flame's fortress in to the pot.
>>33089448He what!? I thought that set-up was declared Extremis Diabolus though! If I had known it was still usable I wouldn't've lost my Psycannon to Lord Birkenhower!
>>33089416Har har har, roit.but wots an erekshun>>33089444I sez, drop a rokk on it and hav a gud larf ova fungus be- amasek.
>>33089476Oh Frankenstein. You sometimes act as if you had two bolts straight through your head. Psyker of the Coast banned Shattered World and Assasin in all formats but Heresy. Your psycannon was practically stolen.
>>33089416What exactly will it take to get some respect around here? Blood?
>>33089512That bastard! If he wasn't dead I'd kill him myself! Since he is, can we at least drop a Life-Eater or two on his estate?>>33089517Please, by the God-Emperor, no! Keep your blood INSIDE your leggings, thank you very much! Also, we didn't need to know that it was that time of the month, but again, it explains a lot.
>>33089471Done, but only if you put that feisty new acolyte you picked up in the pot.
>>33089549Fine, fine, into the pot she goes.Didn't know you liked Ogryns.
I too will join in this card game for as an ordinary organic human organism I enjoy such things
>>33089490You know, the Emperor's Little Fury!>>33089517Maybe a few other fluids, if you catch my drift, eh? EH?I'm implying you have to have sex with me.
>>33089490Splendid plan, chap. Can we get one of these Stormtrooper fellows - yes, you? The panting one who just made it up the tree, yeah? - scamper over to communications complex and astropath Erasmus a message? Oh, just something short "Recieved message. Stop. Have solution for your problem. Stop. Enjoy, compliments of the Inqusition, this rock. Stop".Oh, Emperor's mercy, make sure you make it a reverse charge call. Astropath messages to Clover? Oh, we're rich and lords of all the Imperial worlds, but that's one bill I'm not footing.
>>33089490Err, well, how to describe it.Inquisitor Spleenrippa is such an innocent sometimes, I feel like I can't just come right out and say it.So, uh, basically, it's like growing a big gun, in your pants, and when you get very excited, the gun shoots off, as it were.
>>33089575My dear Lorquist, what (within totally nonheretical bounds) am I NOT into?
>>33089625Men. Although if I'm wrong, that paints your actions at our LAST Conclave in an entirely new light, and I am forced to reply belatedly that I am not that kind of Inquisitor. Yet.
>>33089598Yelden, you lecherous old bastard, for throne's sake at least stop drooling on the table! It is Terran mahogany after all
>>33089547Sometimes I just want to cry.>>33089598As I told you the last three dozen times you propositioned me, punctuated with blows to the groin, that is not going to happen, will never happen, and would only happen were I dead.
>>33089678Careful there, Bathy, you're only going to give the man ideas. Speaking of ideas, Sarco, has the Tarot yielded any mystical guesses as to what in the Emperor's name is going on on Urgoth?
>>33089625Call me.I think we may have a position open that you could enjoy
>>33089598Uh, okay. Must be some kinda smalla Space Marine boyz.>>33089620Or a splodey know-wot.>>33089605Har har. Tell'im to never press da red button or da rokk will make a big boom roit at his gob!
>>33089705Since when do rocks have buttons? They're simple silicon compounds! Unless they're metamorphic rocks... I hear that pressure can to terrible things. Alas, I will never get that particular version of Interrogator Fran back. And she seemed so promising, too. Still, Fran 2.0 isn't too bad. You'd love her, Yelden, remind me to introduce you some time.
>>33089736Wait, so Yelden and Bathsheba were the same person all along.Throne do I ever hate mind-warping psychic powers.
>>33089647Well, no, as it turns out I am not into men. A shame really, it'd open up all new orif- ah, doors for me.>>33089655Sarcy, you'd be drooling too if you had a specially treated augmentic eye that penetrated clothing.Psst, you can have Bathsheba's undergarments when I'm done with them. Corsets are so my thing.>>33089678Dead, you say? I didn't know you were so kinky!
>>33089761Well, yes and no she's my clone you didn't hear that from me.
>>33089783Damnation, with this new information I may never again be able to jerk it to Inquisitrix Bathsheba....no, wait, false alarm.
>>33089761But... They have two bodies!Excuse me while I fetch my Power Scalpel, this simply begs, screaming on its knees as it pleads with an ever-increasing flow of tears tinged red with the blood of their desire, for further... Investigation.
I hate to intrude Lord Inquisitors, but I heard shouting. Is everything alright?
>>33089693Well, according to the cards I have drawn uhh...>>33089436The God-Emperor... Upside down... Something in the Warp is clouding our vision... Well duh, that we knew already... Harlequin... Space Marine... The Eye, UPSIDE DOWN?Welp, if I had to guess, something shady is going on, but it'll be something that counteracts Chaos greatly. Well, that's a relief! A toast, then everyone!
>>33089678remove them next timethen he'll stopalso I motion we get on with business already
>>33089783I'm your WHAT?>>33089805Oh, that's fucking classy, Lorquist. Capital C.>>33089811Down, boy.
>>33089818Ah! Quite the man of the hour. Old chap, would you be so kind as to try on this extensively-tested, Ogryn-sized Jet Pack? Ignore the screams of the damned souls trapped inside the engines, I'm sure they're purely aesthetic in nature.
>>33089818quite fine. nothing to worry about in here
<INCOMING ASTROPATH MESSAGE. PLEASE IGNORE THE DEAMONIC SCREAMING.>I have received a large silicate bombing device and distorted instructions on how to use it. Our astropath was able to make out "Press the red button" - and so we will! Beginning bombardment! By the Emperor! Erasmus out.<SOUND OF A HUNG ASTROPATH>
>>33089845See, I wanted you to find out AFTER we made sweet love. Life is so hard.>>33089855You seem familiar somehow, Inquisitor. Something about the horns.
>>33089818Har har. Humie screamin alwayz putz me in da mood for krumpin' heretiks.
>>33089818I'm fairly certain that I told you to bring my Thollis-III Pattern Bolt Pistol up with you when you climbed that tree.This is quite clearly the Thollis-II Pattern Bolt Pistol.Go back down and get it right this time.>>33089845What do you want from me, I got stuck in the warp for eighty years with nothing buy a dead navigator and a crew of warp-maddened mutants for company. Faith in the Emperor and rampant masturbation are all that keep me sane anymore.
>>33089856Oh, this should be good. Wait a minute. Did that man just hang an Astropath? Dammit, he should KNOW they take that out of both sides! Now we're going to have to pay a few Cushions in restitution- oh, who am I kidding, we'll just chuck the Rosette at them and laugh as they shit themselves.>>33089875If I know you, Yelden, life isn't the only thing that's hard. Also, didn't Lady Lucy of Furr have similar horns?
>>33089834I have this fear if I do he'll get off on it.And what business exactly were we doing to begin with? No one will give me the minutes, something about men's eyes only.
>>33089848>>33089883>>33089855am I the only one who sees those heretic deamon and ork?oh I've alreay voxed the Grey Knight their be here soon
>>33089848I think you may want an Ogryn for that, Lord.>>33089883That is an Ork.>>33089885Sadly Lord Inquisitor a bird stole it. A... Large bird. A large bird that also happened to fly very far away with it. Sadly the Tholis-III is lost.
>>33089930Well they're welcome to climb the tree to get up here, then! Har har!
>>33089875Yelden, it is me, Inquisitor Elmo.don't worry about the horns and tentacles, just a side effect of the sacrifice of a few hundred soulstones. who cares about bloody eldar anyway?
>>33089930Urgh, great, thanks for that.You hear that everyone, we're getting a visit from the Grey Buzzkills thanks to Inquisitor Bartomar.Thanks a lot. This place has been going downhill ever since last time they came here and killed Inquisitrix Delia Monette.
>>33089885You know, I didn't go through twenty years of being groped by that pig Regin to be eye candy! Twenty years! Of doing actual work! I caught a daemon-worshiping mutant xenophile cult that had infiltrated Terra itself just last year! Why won't you people take me seriously?
>>33089958chaos does they seem to have blessed youdon't worry we're purge of you taint>>33089947they don't have too they psykers>>33089911don't worry heres a copy
>>33089895Am I ever not, Frank? And... no, she had four of them, not six.>>33089958Oh, of course, Elmo! How've you been, you old dog?
>>33089940If I wanted an Orgyn, I would have ASKED for an Ogryn!>>33089930I'm not a heretic, I'm simply a man of expanded interests. And if you do not desist with these slanderous remarks on my person, I will bring Veronica to our next Conclave.We shall see who's screaming in pain as their testicles are removed, pan-seared, stuffed with lightly seasoned rice, and shoved into their mouth, before that is, too, removed, pan-seared and stuffed. Rinse and repeat for every orifice, and then create more orifices to rinse and repeat with. What was I talking about again? I'LL SHOW THEM ALL! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!Ahem. What was I talking about again?
>>33089976Well that cult sounds like a mouthful......No, Regin, not like that!
>>33089930Daemon?i assure you i am as undaemonic as ever dear fellow corpse worshiper.how about we just relax a bit and enjoy a nice, rape-fueled game of cocain-snowball
>>33089996Inquisitor Bartomar, I know you hail from a particularly primitive planet, as well as being quite newly inducted into the ranks, but both your manners and your Low Gothic leave a lot to be desired. Plus, how would being psykers help the Knights climb this tree?
>>33089958Dem pansy Eldars are always a gud scrap if yer askz me...>>33089940...wat da zog did ya just zoggin' say abouts me, yer weedy grot? I’ll 'ave ya know I krumped best of all nobz in the Skulla Progeniurk, and I’z been involvad in brutal an sneaky raidz on Tallarn heretiks, an I 'ave ova 300 stomped gitz. I am da sneakiest and da shootiest in da entire Imperiuhl Armey.
>>33090028Also, who gave him a copy of the minutes before briefing him on our standard counter-Cooties procedures? We'll have to burn that entire file now thanks to Bart! And I had just gotten the stench of roasted parchment out of my finest ceremonial Interrogator, too.
>>33089940How ridiculous, a large bird carrying off my bolt pistol. I've never heard such nonsense.Ah, see, Brother Chicken Boo has already found it, if only you could be half as reliable as he is!>>33089996God-Emperor I hate you Inquisitor Bartomar. You are worse than Inquisitor Kelden, and Inquisitor Kelden had that chaos-cursed bowel disorder.
>>33090004you admited to hersey and requested to be purged sir>>33090010you are very bad at hiding daemonwe do not refore to the emperor as a corpseso eat force blade deamon
>>33090070I admitted to heresy and requested to be purged, and yet you still call me "sir?" This man is clearly touched in the head. Don't worry, hold still and I can take a look for you, free of charge! Now, where did that blasted power-scalpel go?
>>33090070Damnit Bartomar, stop waving your psychic butterknife around! We're trying to discuss serious matters here. Plus your Low Gothic is slipping even more
>>33089976Welcome to the club lady. Welcome to the club.>>33090043You talk like an Ork. You look like an Ork. You're clearly an Ork.>>33090004Sadly, Lord, putting that on would involve breaking my spine. Which I'm rather fond of.
>>33089996...This is a crude drawing of a penis, Bartomar.>>33090007Oh ha ha, Inquisitor. You're hilarious. If you say anything about "feminine wiles" I will telekinetically throw you out of this tree.I can't believe I'm related to anyone similar to you.
>>33090112>...This is a crude drawing of a penis, Bartomar.Oh great, thanks Bartomar, now she knows all the minutes.
>>33090112Technically, if you're a clone, you're not related to him, you ARE him. So throwing him out of this tree would be akin to self-harm. How'd you like THEM feminine wiles!?
>>33090102I was simply being polite to you in your last moments but if you wish make this messy your weclome to try>>33090066I care not for your feelings my job is to protect the empire from threat within and out>>33090028they can simply kill from a distance with their minds
>>33090111Trooper, dance for my amusement, that's an order.>>33090108I say we hang him by his underwear!
>>33090003Oh you know, just traveling around spreading the true word and all that. A bit here, a bit there, certainly not in the Eye of Terror, that's for sure
>>33090112Inquisitrix, would you be so kind as to throw Bartomar out of this tree instead?Look!>>33090157He is already doing the ultra-puritan thing. That, and holding a bolt pistol to the head of Inquisitor Frankenstein.
>>33090112as he says>>33090130those are the minutes m'lady
>>33090138And she didn't even go into the fun psychic talents like I did!>>33090112Say, how many things can you do with that telekinesis?
>>33090180Oh, of course not, why would anyone go there? Terrible weather, and the air's awful for your skin. Why, I lost Veronica 3.0 to an aggressive form of tentacular skin cancer after she had one of her hot-springs episodes.
>>33090171I believe we have the Dance-Servitor for that, Lord. Would you prefer some sweetmeats instead?
>>33090198oh that funny you think am puritan why because i hate heretic and daemons and don't work with orksI have worked with xeno's will I have had toobut never Orks
>>33090130Un-fucking-believable.>>33090138It's not him I'm a clone of, and frankly speaking Yelden falling to his death is an attractive idea.>>33090198Why would I wish to help any of you people?
Okay, so since the current minutes have been revealed and can no longer be used, let's draw up some new minutes.Item one should be a vote on Inquisitor Bartomar.All in favor of officially naming him the worst person in the whole Imperium, say aye.I mean even worse than Kryptmann.
>>33090111you seem very paranoid and accusing. it would seem hard to not come to the conclusion that it is you who are the daemon.what will you accuse me of next? honting down the inquisitor trying to purge me and wearing his face as a disguise? doesn't that seem far fetched?
>>33090264Inquisitrix, please. I have been a total gentleman during this meeting unlike our older colleagues.
>>33090265I raise we declare him worse than a theoretical Abaddon/Horus hybrid.>>33090232Oooh, sweatmeats! Fetch me some candied lamb's fetus, be snappy about it.
>>33090277it is shame when the giant chicken makes the most sense>>33090264would yo like to like purge these heretic m'lady
I believe that there is a dark conspiracy with the Third Secretary in the Imperial Sub-Sector Ministry of Agriculture, Bureau of Animal Husbandry, High office of Grox Semen Assessment, I have reason's to believe that she has been consorting with Slaneeshi daemons since she took office one hundred and fifteen Terran years ago, do any of you have any suggestions on how we would dispose of such an individual?
>>33090264If you throw him out of the tree, not only will I acknowledge you as a valuable Inquisitrix and useful member of this esteemed brotherhood, I will throw in a free augmentation of your choice.>>33090265Agreed. Even Kryptmann had the right idea, if regretably wrong methods. Bartomar has no excuse. Really.>>33090277Ah, Brother Chicken Boo, so good to see you. How was your meal? I trust the worms agreed with you.
>>33090337Drowning her in her own produce seems like it would be quite the poetic form of justice. I have reason to believe our colleague Yelden would be happy to help with this, even.
>>33090311Didn't you try to have me ejected from the meeting?>>33090324You are incredibly annoying, you know that?>>33090339Okay, that's tempting...
>>33090324Oh great, now you're accusing Brother Chicken Boo of being an oversized avian too!That, and suing the word "m'lady" without a hint of irony. Throne's sake man, we aren't on Necromunda
>>33090339BOCK BUCK CUCK :wiggle:
>>33090324>>33090321i am with bartlowmar on this. lets purge this obviously heretical stormtrooper
>>33090371What? No. But the "No girls allowed" sign is sacred, even if its commandment is not upon us to enact.
>>33090379Precisely. This form of speech is only used amongst members of a renegade White Knights warband.
>>33090371It should be. You have NO idea how rare it is for me to let the beneficiary of my skills CHOOSE their own augmentation. Ah, I still remember the look on Lord Regin' face when he woke up and saw what he had been granted...In retrospect, that may have been the cause of many of your problems, Bathy. I find myself in the strange position of having to apologize.
>>33090339No, no, don't worry, I've got this.>>33090324Bart, Bart, old chap. You know those pictures of you and the shaved Jokaero on your ship in your bedchambers? No? Well you do now. I'd suggest you leave before I make a slideshow of them.
>>33090389what was that boo? you sense a shadow across the warp?
>>33090371what did I do?did I grope you? insult you? say you didn't belong here?>>33090392taste holy water daemon
>>33090448Now now, play nice. Bart is hefty, to be sure, but he isn't THAT fat...[Okay, that was a lie.]
>>33090466You called her m'lady... That's worse than all those things.
>>33090430fake what ever pictures you wantI care notmy faith in the emperor will see me through
>>33090466Called me "m'lady".>>33090419I'm considering an augmentic vagina, with sawblades in it. That should probably get Yelden to piss off.
>>33090466Aaaargh! It burns! And not the pleasurable kind of burn you get from using prometheum as lube!
>>33090503Hmm. I can do that, it's not even particularly hard, that was Veronica 2.0 if I recall correctly... But I doubt it would be entirely effective in dissuading Yelden. If I made them Force Sawblades, however... I could probably add some toxin glands as well, if you would like.
>>33090528Whoa whoa whoa gentlemen, let's stop for a minute here... Maybe Elmo really is up to no good. I mean, look! Half his face is melting off... And his bones are now glowing!
>>33090503then I will do what no other Inquisitor here would offer a apology and mean itI was just trying to e polite
>>33090365I'd be practically titallated!Okay, literally titillated.Okay, I have an erection.>>33090503One, you have other holes, two, my penis is augmented.
me and my man servant recently found this schematic during a 6 week expedition into my family Vault complex, what does it mean?
>>33090511My my, if it isn't Shaper Kratrazk.
>>33090540Okay, I'm convinced.>>33090550Nothing personal, Bartomar, but augmentic vagina.Have a lovely trip!
Sorry I'm late boys, I had a few too many amasec last night, as usual, and didn't wake up until an hour ago.What did I miss?
>>33090501Well, alright then! If you'll all refer to the holos...
>>33090548Nono, i am quite alright. This is just my alergies acting up again... Get me some ultra cocain fast and my corporeal form will reform
>>33090591you know he said he doesn't care right?really just shoot him
>>33090572It seems to be some form of proto-Titan. Possibly more akin to a Knight, actually. Of course, it would overheat far too rapidly, and is extremely vulnerable to anything hitting its arms and cooking the ammunition into the engine, causing a catastrophic explosion.>>33090594Well, most recently, we were about to have our friend Bathsheba defenestrate a man in exchange for an augmetic vagina.
>>33090594Bartomar proving once again to be worse than Tyranid genital lice.
>>33090594An excellent vintage, is what you missed! But I'm sure the kindly Stormtrooper will fetch a new one, right...? The fridge should be in the hut at the base of the tree.Oh also, Inquisitor Bartomar is being a no-fun puritan, and... Inquisitor? Interrogator? Elmo's face is melting off from some blessed water. So business as usual.
>>33090631Then we must put it into production Straight away!
>>33090606Oh... Oh! Most instructive... And disturbing. I didn't know Jokaero arms could bend that way. And pushing THAT in THERE? Can't be confortable. Although it is extroardinarly creative use of digi-weapons... I must remember that for Fran 4.0>>33090661I actually have a similar design that I've been working on in private. I call it the "Bird-That-Eats-Dead-Organs," and it seems most promising. I can have Fran 3.0 send you my research notes after the Conclave, if you wish.
has anyone ever heard of a Genestealer infiltrating a Chaos cult?
>>33090627Bartomar, don't make this harder than it is. Let go of the window frame.
>>33090594a lot heretic a daemon and a ork I don't anywhere now>>33090614hit with more holy waterthen force swordI know I should have brough my Daemonhammer
Alas, I have returned.
>>33090631Ah yes, a good old augmetic vagina. always holds up a lot longer then the biological one. Which reminds me I need to get mine tuned soon.>>33090644You say that like it's surprising.>>33090653Seriously!? damn it, I knew I was going to miss something good.
>>33090653well... skulls are always in fasion in the 41st milenium, are they not?
>>33090705Erasmus, we need to talk about you putting in collect astropathic calls to our headquarters.Those calls cut into our budget for humorous recaf mugs.
>>33090700You know, that telekinesis of yours seems most useful. I wonder, how would you feel about a partnership? I have an Interrogator, Gavrill 1.1, I'm sure you'd get along splendidly, even if she is still a tad unfinished. Still in beta, you know?
>>33090614Well, I don't usually share my ultra cocaine, but for a loyal servant of the Emperor like you, I guess I can spare some.
>>33090695I know, right? I had to take notes myself!>>33090732Yeah, Bathy's being a tease as usual too.
>>33090700FineTELEPORTIONhappy now>>33090695its a fake
>>33090739Budget? You just sent me a ticking bomb that cost the life of seventeen thousand loyal Imperial servants. If it hasn't also obliterated planet Dee the Emperor would find us wanting... I must run an investigation immediately! Who requisitioned the device?
>>33090704for slaneshs sake bart!Can't you just whip me or something? that was my favourite spleen
>>33090749I swear on the Throne if you're implying I become your Interrogator...
>>33090813Very.He's gone, say I'm a good Inquisitrix.
>>33090825What? No, of course not! Full partnership. Just two Inquisitors, working together.
>>33090695That's a great idea!, why don't we swap notes during Lord Inquisitor telurhes pre-marital sex party?
Now I'm only wondering how soon the Grey Knights will arrive... Because by then we better have a fruit basket prepared as a collective apology for Bartomar's false alarm.
>>33090846And you are an astounding, exemplary member of our order. I am truly honored to know you. Now, about that augmetic you wanted, if you can just step over here I can set up a quick privacy screen and get it finished in a snap.
>>33090846I teleported in the room MMMM'LLLLLAAAAAAADDDYalso they will never respect you>>33090824[Banishment]
>>33090852Hmm... Fine. And no more voyeurism of me?
>>33090858Pre-marital sex party you say?!
>>33090914I make no promises for Yelden. But I assure you, I have no need for such immature distractions as that. Now, if you would kindly step into my impromptu operating theater...
>>33090904Throne's sake Bartomar, one of these days you'll manage to strain that teleporter and get stuck in the Warp! And on that fateful day the rest of our conclave will let our a collective sigh of relief.
>>33090942Okay, stepping in.Wait, this'll have anesthetic, right?>>33090904Meh, still held up my part of the bargain. And they totally will, you'll see!
>>33090942I can make promises I won't stop!She's got lips too pretty to be just some Inquisitrix.
>>33090939there all the rage these days, down in the Segmentum obscurus
>>33090904Bartomaaaaaar! You will rue the day you made me your... enemy. You... will... you......
>>33090975Of course! I stopped with dry operations ever since Bartholomew vomited all over my best face. Ruined it completely, I had to make a new one from scratch. Now, if you'll kindly let me jab this tranquilizer dart into your neck, I use it all the time on Xenos and Daemons, it's totally safe really, there we go, out like a light, and now... Yelden, please, no peeking... There, now I have plausible deniability. Now, let's begin!
>>33091032Why doesn't anyone go to MY sex parties anymore?
>>33091086I seem to remember a certain incident with a captured Dark Eldar Wych and the keys to your personal Land Speeder.
>>33091081Wait, tranqui-Ow, hey! You... I... plauswuzz... zzzz...
Oh shit... umm... sorry Sir and Madam Inquisitors, I was just looking for the bathroom. I'll just be on my way...
>>33091086Because you're sex parties suck Grox testicles, that's why
>>33091050Well gentlemen, would you look at that! Looks like Bartomar may have actually been right, for once!That, or Elmo was somehow combustible.
>>33091050Did bartomar just destroy a faithful servant of the emperor with his horrifying witch powers?
>>33091137Two doors down, on the left. Ignore the "Danger: Competent Xenotech Handlers Only" sign, that's a joke.
>>33091123Yelden, if you must, now is the time. But if anyone asks, I fought tooth and nail to get you to respect my patient's privacy.
>>33090975you are deluded>>33090949teleporter?am a psyker I just used Gate of Infinity
>>33091166If I might be so bold, what's the women's sign say?
Has anyone else ever tried Fenrisian cocktails?, they taste great but the hangovers make you feel like a WAAGGH! is going on in your head
>>33091213Men at Work. You can thank Yelden for that one.
>>33091156told you>>33091164your deluded>>33091081back away from Inquisitrix Bathsheba or die
>>33091216You do know those are made with ork blood, right?
>>33091240Death threats!? She gave me full spoken consent, as everyone here is my witness. Yelden, turn off that pict-corder already, I'm done and she's about to wake up.
>>33091240What's the matter Bartomar, couldn't become a Grey Knight and instead became a White one? Let the man do his surgery in peace. Of course, it is a little awkward that he is doing it right here on the table next to the Amasec and the Tarot game, but hey, limited space.
>>33091117Not my fault at all! I blame Bartomar!>>33091149Hey, hey, I'm way past grox now! Bet you've never had a squat!>>33091177Frankenstein... I owe you a solid. You may come over to my fortress and fuck my sister. Ha, just kidding. Not kidding.Name it and you've got it! Give you another favor if you put "Yelden wuz here" on her somewhere.Now, give me a bit to set up the mirrors... okay, now the holorecorders... alright, everyone, get ready for the show of a lifetime!
As productive as this meeting has been, definitely one of our best ones this decade, I must be off.I'd like to ship all the Sororitas off-world before the Grey Knights get here, to prevent another incident. You all know the one I'm talking about.Stormtrooper, inform the port authorities to load my ship up with enough aphrodisiacs and sensual oils to last six months, something tells me that the good sisters and I are going to spend quite a while on this trip waiting out a "warp storm" in realspace.Rest assured, I've fireproofed all the important systems of the ship in case it goes wrong like last time, but I remain optimistic.Gentlemen, Lupa, Bathsheba (when she wakes up), and of course Brother Chicken Boo, it's been a pleasure.Bartomar, I hope you get raped to death by a Hive Tyrant.Ave Imperator.
>>33091225No thanks needed, I'm a genius.
>>33091225I see. Your lordships always have the best jokes. I'll just be on my way then. Oh, before I forget - one of the other acolytes has a strange blue box covered in runes down on floor 12. I was going to ask my Lord later what to do, but since you were all here... You know what forget it. I'm going to go drain the lizard before I get shot. Again.
>>33091269Where would I find Ork blood on Terra at 4 AM?, I need a nightcap after my meeting with the Arbites chief inspector
>>33091323Check with the Magos Biologis, see if there's an Explorator around, you might be able to trade for some.
>>33091279Alright, alright. Anyone asks, the taste and stickiness is part of the surgery.
>>33091240Deluded my good sir?i would have you know that while ylu handle warp sourcery like a comon heretic i use good old time tested transdimensional lightning.
>>33091354the Magos Biologis doesn't like me anymore
>>33091368Of course. A common side-effect of the tranquilizer. On an unrelated topic, how hot is your sister?
>>33091385You might have to harvest your own ork blood then.
>>33091398His sister is a Superior in the Sororitas. Good luck.
Uhn... my head. Blech. The fuck you put in that tranq? I'm all sore. And there's this taste in my mouth. And what the fuck is this white stuff?
>>33091298their already here >>33091294your a fool>>33091279you jab her in the neck with a dart and what looks like tech heresy
>>33091398She's very attractive. But yeah, what Kalsten spoke out of turn to say. It'll be... tiring.Throw in her twin if you went through with that second favor.
>>33091421That white stuff is delicious skub. You should eat it.
>>33091425Barty, Barty. No need to be jealous.
>>33091421Nuthin, Inkwizitrix. The Emperor's Little Fury
>>33091421Ah, at last you are back, Inquisitrix! May I recommend this vintage from M41.965 to wash down the taste of whatever it is you're tasting. Fresh out of the fridge, or at least I hope it is, because the stormtroopers are finally climbing the tree a little quicker
Wait, am I supposed to keep my copy of the imperial primer from my days in the IG or should I leave it at home?
>>33091499Spleenrippa, is it true that you used to be a Callidus Assassin?
>>33091421Soreness is a common side-effect, it should wear off in about an hour, half that with a good massage. As for the white stuff, it's a mix of your saliva and the waste matter of the tranquilizer. I'd advise swallowing it, otherwise you could get migraines in a day or so.>>33091471As a matter of fact, I did. And Sororitas aren't particularly difficult to manipulate, I'll have them singing the "Emperor's Praises" before you know it.
>>33091499gork and mork are wimps
>>33091554Someone hear something?
>>33091493Skub, huh? Isn't skub pretty expensive?>>33091499I'm not terribly sure what that means.>>33091520Thanks, Sarcosuchus, needed that!>>33091537Aw, Throne. Gimme something to put it in, I'm not licking it off my fingers. It'd give Yelden ideas. And before you ask, Yelden, no, you can't massage me.
>>33091421you really trusted them didn't you?
>>33091594Maybe in some parts, sure, But I get mine straight from the source.
>>33091594There's a cup right next to you. As in, seriously. It's just sitting there. Are you alright? I might've gone a tad overboard on the dose...
>>33091576...'Ello, gentlemen! How are you on this finest of days! Good? Well then... Just continue the Inquisitorial meeting... I'm merely here to represent the good old Ordo Chronos... Sooo I'm going to just visit the lavatories... It's probably going to take a while... Don't go looking for me if I'm not immediately back!
>>33091537Franky, you're my thronedamned hero. You ever want anything, you just ask.RSVP to my fortress when you're going to show up.>>33091601Ixnay on the nitching-say.
>>33091645I swear I heard something...
Anyone of you every try "spice melange"?, got a few shipments from some category 2 Xeno colonies >pic related muh stash
>>33091667Isn't that the psychotropic stuff? I had Fran 1.0 test that out for me once. She went insane, started rambling about "Little Makers" and "Water of Life" and "The spice must Flow", and then she went catatonic. I still have her in my ship, actually. She wakes up every now and then to make some more cryptic comments about "Golden Paths," it's all rather strange.
>>33091645your Ordo disappeared a long time agowho are you reallyand what are you doing here
>>33091594they seem to have did things to you while you were underagain how could you trust them
>>33091601Well yeah, Inquisi...r Franken... zzz's a medicae. He's got oaths, right?>>33091618Source?>>33091642My head feels real foggy, The warp you PUT in that thing?
>>33091724...You do know where skub comes, right?
>>33091724Ah, now that would be telling. But I suppose, since you are my partner now... *whisper whisper whisper*It might not be pretty, but it's effective and has no dangerous side-effects. For humans. It tends to kill Tyranids, unfortunately. And I so wanted that adorable little Carnifex as a pet...
>>33091724Oh, and please. No telling what's in that, it's a trade secret. Also, it becomes less effective if people know what it's made of. Medicae's honor.
>>33091714You what? One sec, lemme swallow this.Ugh, that's bitter. Gross.>>33091744Isn' it an agri-world?>>33091755Whoa. YOU put THAT in me? So what's so special about this interrogator anyway?>>33091769But that doesn't make any se... zzz
>>33091724no no he does notthese people have wanted to do things to you since you got hereand then you let them put you under any wayHOW DID YOU BECAME A INQUISITOR?ON YOUR BACK IS THAT HOW?YOU ARE THE BIGGEST FOOL IN THIS ROOM
>>33091808well, yes, that is where it starts, but then it has to go to several different places to be refined into the wonderful thing it is.
>>33091724>Inquisi...r Franken... zzz's a medicaeRelax, she's a trustworthy gal, met her before, she put two dozens of my men together after a mission that was real meatgrinder. In a record time! Her methods are a bit unorthodox at times but her results are impressive and her intentions are pure.
>>33091808Aaaand got it all on pictcorder! Yesss!Bathy, you sure about that massage? I'm good with my hands!
Can any of you guys help me identify this "slug" gun, I recently procured it from some trader in Trade world #2424345322H56
>>33091822Bartomar! How DARE you imply that I did not take the Hypocritic Oath to become a fully-licensed Medicae! I'm honestly offended! Also, don't impugn the honor of my partner, I might actually get offended at that.>>33091844Oh, were those YOUR men? I have to say, you got lucky, that was her first successful operation. She's gotten much better now, though. She made this face for me, I couldn't really see through my old one.
>>33091822Hah, says the guy thanks to whom the Grey Knights are en route to here. Emperor on the Throne, it's gonna be a real hassle to calm them down
Sorry to intrude again your Lordships, but I return from venerating the porcelain throne to tell you there is another Lord in there humping a clock. And I think the clock is speaking.
>>33091915Ah, that must be Acolyte Bob. He's a little touched in the head, we don't speak about him.Wait, YOU'RE Acolyte Bob! So, the plot thickens...
>>33091884Oh Throne, the Grey Knights are on the way here? This is going to be pretty awkward then...
>>33091822I awready said! I've no idea! I wasn't even an interrogator! And I didn' know he was gonna do that!>>33091830Izzat heresy or sumthin?>>33091844Yeah, 's good.>>33091861I'm sure!
>>33091915Don't you.. Ugh, whoops... Don't you worry about me! I'm absolutely fine in here! Just having some technical difficulties with the plumbing! Do not by any means enter the toilets, however... Spacetime anomalies abound...
>>33091947Yes. Currently I'm trying to pick a font in which to write "APOLOGIES FOR THE FALSE ALARM" on the fruit basket...
>>33091933This is about my grandmother being from Carlos McConell isn't it?
>>33092019I would use Millenium Highest Gothic. Space Marines always love that one. But really, as long as you stay away from Arial we should be fine. And for the love of the Emperor, don't put kiwis in the basket, Grey Knights are all allergic to them. It's in their geneseed.
>>33091986No, it isn't heresy last time I checked. I doubt something that tastes that good could be heresy.
Much as I hate to ruin the mood, just got psychically contacted by a Grey Knight Paladin, something about reports of a daemonic incursion.Seems they even woke up one of the dreadnoughts!
>>33092043Whoa whoa whoa... I thought their geneseed was purest of them all... Unless this means... That all Astartes share this trait?
>>33092050Good... so wha's it made from?
>>33092058Just tell them it was a prank call. Make something up about how it was Barty and Acolyte Bob who did it, and tell them that we're getting an apology gift basket ready.
>>33091878I care not what you say heretic>>33091884The Grey Knghts will help purge ths world of it hersey[Word of the Emperor]
>>33092058Oh damn, they're already here... Good thing the fruit basket is almost done! Now... Oh, they woke up a Dreadnought? Feth, we'll need an apology card too! Bathsheba, would you be a dear and pick one? I trust a woman's tastes more than mine...
>>33092058Oh god, I hope it isn't Jakeness, or else things are going to get real awkward real fast.>>33092076I have no idea. The Rogue Trader that owns the industry won't let anyone know.
>>33092096Well, he seems pretty pissed, says he's going to purge Bartomar until nothing remains.>>33092123Bad news...
>>33092058Good i have psychically contacted the Grey knight and given them all your namesthey are searching your ship as I speak
>>33092159Oh no. If anyone asks, I'm Inquisitor Sanchez.>puts on a fake mustache and a space sombrero.
>>33092115Izzat a crack or somethin?>>33092123Aww poop. But you said you got the source!
>>33092181Yeah, me and the Rogue Trader are 'associates', so he lets me have a bit of each shipment of skub.
Hmm. It appears there is a slight issue with Adorea, something about too many spleens or something... That must be my cue to leave. I trust you won't burn down the tree-house once I'm gone, and Bathsheba, we can meet on my ship to discuss our partnership and any further augmentations you might want. Just... Try and keep Barty in line. If that's even possible.>I want to see this thread archived so I can read what all I miss... I'd stay if I could, but it's 2:30 AM and I need to be awake at 8 >.<
>>33092181Emperor on the Throne Inquisitrix, not everything is meant as a derisive comment. Now, can you help me pick from these cards or not?
>>33092168Barty, come off it. You're the only one who saw a daemon. I let him scan my mind.Says he "would have words with Bartomar".
>>33092159your lies will not helpthey are searching everyones ships as I speakthe Emperor Will be done
>>33092227Bartomar, I always envied your unbreakable optimism. Not that you'd have anything else going for you anyways, but your optimism is still admirable.
>>33092194Oh, neat.>>33092205Well you can't expect me to just think you decided to be nice to me. Hmph.I think they'd like that silver one with a sheepish Inquisitor on it.>>33092203See you then, Inquisitor. You've been a huge help!
>>33091564Wot did you say you git?! Oim gunna kru>BLAM....
>>33092296Hmm, yes, yes indeed this one looks good!Now for the message uhm..."Sorry... for...the...hassle...Bartomar...is...a...paranoid...maniac...love...Ordo...Hereticus...Segmentum...Solar...Conclave...#353246"Alright, now I'd like everyone present to sign this! Pass the card and the quill around, let the grey Knights know we're sorry for the hassle...
WE HATH COME FROM TITAN TO PURGE THE DAEMON!I DO NOT SEE ANY DAEMONS HERE, WHAT MADNESS IS THIS?>>33092180SAY, DOST I KNOW YOU FROM SOMEWHERE? THOU LOOKST FAMILIAR.
>>33092332trying to get past my Telekine Dome ork?good I was waiting for you to slip up[Scourging]
>>33092346O...Oooh feth...Erhm. Paladin Jakeness... You have been summoned due to a sad misunderstanding on Inquisitor Bartomar's part, who seems to be suffering from... Certain delusions... However, we wanted to show we are sorry for the false alarm, and for this we have thrown together this little fruit basket, and the... Where is the card? Did everyone sign it? ...And this card, too. To show our gratitude for your vigilance, and also extend our apologies for distracting you from more pressing matters with this little incident.
>>33092342I added my personal seal.>>33092346Bart's over there, Paladin. He's a madman!
>>33092404Wait, wait, lemme put the "xoxo" on it! Think a kiss mark would be too much?
>>33092346Well while you're here, there's a Lord humping a daemon clock in the bathroom. Or whatever we call talking clocks these days.Failing that, it's Taco Tuesday.
>>33092435Considering the Chem Geld, XOXO shall be enough.. Okaay good.
>>33092346I am Inquisitor Bartomar of Odro MalleusI managed Banish the daemon before you got herehow ever I also found multiple members of the Inquisition guilty of heresy I will need your help in searching their ships
>>33092458Well excuse me, I'm categorically -not- humping this uhhh, clock, yes, clock, over here! I'm struggling with spacetime anomalies! As Ordo Chronos wont to do! So please don't mind me Mr. Paladin... I'm absolutely fine, no assistance needed, although if any of you are proficient with ancient sonic technology, I'd gladly accept some help
>>33092402BARTOMAR. I UNDERSTAND THOU ARY TO BLAME FOR THIS... WASTE? ANCIENT ARCADIUS WAS AWAKENED FOR... FADING DAEMONIC SPOOR?THOU HAST MUCH TO ANSWER FOR!>>33092404>>33092464THY FRUIT BASKET AND CARD ARE QUITE THOUGHTFUL.THE PENTAGRAMMIC WARDS ARE A NICE TOUCH. THE ANCIENT MAY STILL BE GRUMPY HOWEVER.>>33092458THOUGH HE IS FOND OF TACOS. GET BLENDING, SERF.
>>33092346(muffled shouting) I'll never forget what you did on apocalypto...I Mean doomsday..err, no..ARMAGEDDON!
>>33092464He's kind of good looking is all. You sure they don't ever...?
>>33092549Here you are my lordship. Plenty more where this came from.
>>33092564THOSE EVENTS ARE CLASSIFIED, AS THOU WELL KNOWST, INQUISITOR.>>33092575MENTIONS OF INCARNATE DAEMON PRINCES ARE QUITE IMPORTANT.>>33092514IF THOU BANISHED THE DAEMON, WHY WOULDST THOU CALL THE KNIGHTS OF TITAN? FURTHERMORE, OUR PURVIEW IS NOT HERESY, THOU HAST WASTED OUR TIME.>>33092626BLENDED, I SAY! DREADNOUGHTS CANNOT EAT SOLID FOOD!
>>33092672I KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT DAEMONS YOU DON'T KNOW!
>>33092549see>>33092626deamonsalso I never asked for a dreadnought did you even read my message?I ask for 3-4 Grey Knights to help me search their ship for heresy no doubt filled with hersey deamon artifacts Deamonhosts and other things
>>33092672Of course oh Noble one. Just a moment. We shall use the most daemo...holy of blenders to craft a delicious meal for him. >>33092719You're just angry I turned you down last Saturday.
<INCOMING ASTROPATH MESSAGE>Hello pathetic Inquisitors. This is Yiff Lor- I mean Wolf Lord Furryson calling to tell you that We, the Space Wolves, are leaving the Imperium to worship chaos as xenos lovers.The only possible way you can stop us is by destroying our home world.<END MESSAGE>
>>33092346uh... No, senor, we have never met before.
>>33092719Bartomar Bartomar, your Low Gothic is slipping againAlways knew electing Inquisitors from feral worlds was a bad idea
>>33092672one I just banished the demon a little bit agotwo I didn't know if I could so I called you to make sure i died the daemon would be destoryedand finally do you not see the daemon Grey Knight?>>33092626right there it give you a tacothere are more here and i need your help to find them
>>33092711WHAT? TELL ME!>>33092719>>33092742HUZZAH! TACOS!>>33092754ART THOU CERTAIN? THOU LOOKST VERY FAMILIAR.
>>33092672hey faggot guess what Grox semen kill's daemon princes dead
>>33092751Magnus pls go>>33092584Bathy and Jakey, sitting in a tree, F-U-C-K-I-N-G
>>33092751Someone get a tech priest in here, the spam filter's useless again.
>>33092742[Banishment}>>33092756ok simple words thenFUCK YOU
>>33092778SINCE WHEN?>>33092773WHAT DAEMON? A GIANT AVIAN IS NOT A DAEMON.
>>33092777Nope, we have certainly not met several times before, and I'm totally not the reason you got shot in the chest several times... Senor
>>33091533Wot?! Yer a stupid kalidus sneaky git. I'z propa stompy, loik dem eversor boyz.>>33091564'Eresy!>>33091594Har. Der some Inquisitrix down der. And she floats.
Well lady and gentlemen, I'd really love to stick around and watch Bartomar make even more of a fool of himself, but uh, I just received a Vox call from my mother dearest, current Matron of the Sarcosuchus dynasty, also by proxy the host of our meetings as this forest is, may I remind you, ancient familial ground. But anyways, I must leave now and attend the family dinner as well, lest I receive the eternal misguided pity of all my aunts, uncles and cousins for "working too hard for our dearest Imperium, that poor boy", so uh, I'll be leaving noOOOOOWWWWW>*bam*OWWW! SON OF A... THRONE DAMN THIS TREEHOUSE... I...I'm fine, really! Only hit a branch below the door! Owww, my bionic heart really hit my lungs hard, though... Anyways have fun! You, Stormtroopers, get me down from here, now!
>>33092852It had horns Grey Knightand could you not feel the fowl touch of the warp about it?ALSO I JUST BANISHED IT TO THE WARP IN FRONT OF YOU
>>33092822Oh look, I'm still here. Guess I'm not a daemon like you claim. By the way Noble Jakeness, we have extra burritos if you wish to take them back as well. The acolytes will go hungry, but such is their place.
>>33092879I'm not terribly sure what that means.
>>33092913Damn it woman, Taco Tuesday only comes once a year!
>>33092879Ork I am in a bad mood right now if you want to die attack the Grey Knight I'll laught as he make you choke on you own bleed
(I wonder- should we archive this?)
>>33092909HORNS DO NOT NECESSARILY MEAN A BEING IS A DAEMON, INQUISITOR BARTOMAR.>>33092913WE SHALL TAKE ALL OF THEM! WE RETURN TO TITAN, WHERE WE SHALL FEAST!
>>33092913TASTE HOLY WATER MY FORCE SWORD AND[BANISHMENT]
>>33092514BARTOMER YOU FUCKWHYTHIS WAS MY ONE DAY OFF AND YOU SOILED IT WITH THIS FUCKING FALSE ALARM. OH HEY, THANKS FOR THE GIFT BASKET. HOW DID YOU KNOW I LOVE WATERMELON?I AM GOING TO DESTROY.
>>33092997surebeats the waifu obsessed quest threads
>>33092968Aw, don't be mad. You can have my taco instead if you want~>>33093045You really should work on your aim. And read up on what's a daemon more.
>>33093046YOU A LITTLE LATE WE FOUND ANOTHER DAEMON
>>33093046Ah, brother maddeus. I have been looking for you every where. I have aqquired a large amount of 'mysterious' tesseract prisons. Now, about those Relics you promised....
>>33093089am more tired then I thoughtimagine an Inquisitor missing from that closeno matter the Grey knights are here
>>33093107THAT'S NOT A FUCKING DAEMONIT IS JUST VILE MUTATIONS THAT YOU FUCKING INQUISITORS ALL HAVE. I CAN SMELL THAT SHIT. DO YOU THINK IT SMELLS GOOD? DO YOU THINK I LIKE BEING ANYWHERE NEAR YOU FREAKS? I DON'T. FUCK YOU GUYS IM LEAVING AND EATING TACOS WITH THE REST OF THE KNIGHTS. ALSO, YOU TRY PUTTING ON POWER ARMOR AND CLIMBING A TREE. YOU FUCK.
>>33093225FINE. TAKE THEM. I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. FUCK.
>>33093270We'll send up a crate of Watermelons too. Just for you. >>33093266It was pretty embarrassing. I mean, I was right *there*
>>33093270am just a psykeryour saying psykers smell bad?are you insane your a psyker too
>>33093296Why thank you, these relics will look fantastic in the Greyknight exhibit, right next to the founders....Statues.
>>33093089Your taco, you say?
Well, that was a... Rather long lavatory break. I hope nobody had to go too badly. Or still doesn't. Seriously, don't go in there. Not until spacetime stabilizes. So uh, I'll just be on my way... Please don't mind this door materializing out of thin air. Ordo Chronos business.Thread is archived. Good night.
>>33093386Yes, My Taco. But only that Acolyte can have it. I feel bad for him. Plus I understand he likes lots of sour cream, which you don't.
>>33093382you know at this point I don't even care that a necron is a few feet away from meoh emperor why do you test me so?
>>33093420Look, what'syourface, I'm a Lord Inquisitor, and you're a serf. Remind me where in that comparison you get to say no.
>>33093360Rumors say that Grey Knights inherit some traits from the space wolf side of the Emperor, but i am not entirely sure of it, and i find the idea ridiculous, since i know that their founders were mostly traaaaaaited as great and honest loyalists. Also, screw psykers, they are mostly ass holes. Grey Knights are okay though.
>>33093476It's right there, next to the... LOOK A MON'KEIGH!> And Acolyte Bob was never seen again. Some say he ended up a daemon prince for a world where every day was Taco Tuesday
>>33093457Sir, you dare acuse me of being a Necron? That is absurd. I am clearly just wearing exoskeleton of one that I ripped apart. Also, it would be a shame if all the relics i have lended out suddenly...Disappeared
>>33093480your a dick>>33093502some one pinch me because I think am seeing the emperor
>>33093502Holy shit I laughed too hard at that
>>33093529don't care>>33093502are you real? is this a divine vision to some aid me in my time of need?
>>33093647If thats your attitude, perhaps i should should show you this rate Necron artifact: they are called mind shackle scarabs and are rumored to be able to infect targets instantly and mind control them. But thats just silly, wouldn't you agree?
>>33093939I don't care any more am done am leavingam never coming back heream going to my shipgoing to call as much artillery as I can on this damn placeHave a nice day
>>33094051Oh. Oh well then.Do give me a heads up then. Im sure this place has some artifacts some here
>>33094181no [Gate of Infinity]
>>33094283Oh well, the death marks already stole everything of value. Have a pleasent day.
>>33094283[date: I DON'T CARE]Journal today may been the worse day of my life, worse then even the Ork invasion of my home world. I saw deep corruption in the Inquisition today and I saw that even the most watchful of the imperium could be fooled by Chaos. I saw Heretics consorting with Daemons and Xenos and Tech Heresy. I am not sure if I am up to the task of purging these Heretics or even if I want to at this point.Thought for the day: I am so very tired