You are currently 12 metres from the surface of a human ass. You are yelling. This is widely acknowledged as one of the most rational activities to engage in while being mooned by all your colleagues/"friends" in public.You're not paid well enough to deal with these assholes. You are a fall girl after all.You reach up to ready your mug of coffee for throwing, a few drops of it scalding your hands which are already trembling (with rage). The testa di cazzo who arranged this stunt is already throwing you a shit-eating-grin, fucking Parkas. Ivan is the biggest stronzo you know. An idea appears in your head, shining brightly. Scalding coffee enema. The fact that he's asking for it is undeniable. Just as it clicks that this idea needs to be fast, a woman's face appears."Hello Acerbi, I see you're enjoying the nice view of the ass-parade today, I hope I'm not-" you shut her down with a glare that could slice The Brick in two, it's that puttana Valkyrie, you followed up with giving her finger for good measure. You are Elda Acerbi, you need to move quickly, you have an anus to burn.
>>31649987Huh, how many newly identical drop pod images are there?
>Basic Strike: Throw the mug at one of them, if the liquid doesn't burn them the mug will at least bruise them.>Critical Hit: Rush in and grab Parkas by his before he realises you're going to make his life a burning hell.>Area of Effect: Try burn as many of those goddamn buttcheeks as possible, this kind of disrespect will not stand!
>>31649987Clearly our move is to throw our coffee in Ivan's face, knee him in the groin and walk away with an air of mystery and perhaps the hint of a bloody, broken past.
>>31650143>>Critical Hit: Rush in and grab Parkas by his before he realises you're going to make his life a burning hell.
Someone tell me what the fuck I'm reading.
>>31650235While we're waiting for the real thing some anon is running a parody quest of Deniable Assets Quest.
>>31650235I'm just as confused as you are.
Real DAQ is up>>31650219
The trip is almost exactly the same...
>>31649987>Area of Effect: Try burn as many of those goddamn buttcheeks as possible, this kind of disrespect will not stand!
The actual quest is up now.I'm gonna bail on this. It was a quick/impulsive thing anyway.If there's a lull in DAQ and this is still up maybe I'll write up something else
>>31650302That isn't a trip.
>>31650302There is no trip, it's part of the name
>>31650329I'm very disappointed since I love parodies...but I understand if you feel like you can't compete with Fall Guy.
>>31650329This shit is not only hilarious, but also hella based.10/10 would kek at some later point.
>>31649987This still up while we wait?
>>31651502Need any rolls?
>>31650196>>31650305>Combination of Crit + AoEYou rush in with blinding speed, thankful your augments are letting you pull this off. Rapidly without any concern for sanity or sanitation you hook a finger past the sphincter of the slow-to-react Ivan and pull it wide open with monstrous strength."Wha-AAAAARGH!!" he screams as he receives a handsome amount of coffee straight to his chocolate donut.He begins to drop to the floor while the others look on, horrified. Before you give them a chance to react you fling the coffee assways towards the three stood to the right of Ivan. Markos, Cy and Tsukino all yelp as the dangerously hot liquid makes contact with their fleshy exposed posteriors.You spin round and with a little too much vigor club Neils on the back of the head with the coffee mug. The handle (already cracked under the strain) is all that's left after the mug smashes over his head.He hits the floor next to the writhing Ivan, still screaming, except Neils doesn't move at all, he's out cold.>What do you do now?>Victory Speech: You need to let them know what happens when they mess with the "Ice Bitch".>Extra Punishment: You're not done yet...>Silent Exit: You're done with this shit.
Shit forgot to post the image.Also yeah, rolls, 3d10 for whatever action happens.
Rolled 10, 5, 3 = 18>>31651816>>Extra Punishment: You're not done yet...FISTING TIME
Rolled 6, 2, 6 = 14>>31651816>Extra Punishment: You're not done yet...
>>31651816>SILENT EXITStomp off.
>>31651816You exhale slowly through your nostrils. NOPE, STILL NOT CALM. THE RAGE MUST GO ON.You violently boot Ivan in the gut for starters, an unfortunate amount of... something spurts out of him as he whimpers.You turn back to the scalded three as they're slowly getting up. They notice, but not before you're already on them. You manage to catch Markos and Cy with the same maneuvre, Markos getting two-boot dropkick payload to the face, while Cy gets caught an inner elbow to the throat.As they're both brought to the floor you blast another glare, this time in Tsukino's direction. She falters and trips immediately, landing on her freshly burned backside."You should know better!" you bellow, somehow even more furious for no apparent reason. You dive in and try to hit her windpipe but she deftly blocks you and begins to escape.But you can get her later... You snap back to your prize and begin putting the shards of mug handle to good use. With surgical precision you slice the letter E with frightening (even to yourself) accuracy on the buttocks of Markos and Cy in a couple of seconds.You quickly get up, your work done and turn around to see how the mastermind of this whole ridicolo pezzo di merda is doing.
Roll 3d10 for Ivan's situation.
Rolled 5, 2, 7 = 14>>31652342Wow
Rolled 2, 10, 1 = 13>>31652342
Rolled 2, 8, 9 = 19>>31652342Grit?
Rolled 4, 4, 9 = 17>>31652342
>>31652385Parkas is up, but only barely, he's leaning over Neils who seems to be out for the count.Ugh and he's left a trail as he's moved... Disgusting.>What do you do?>The Mark: Rush in while he's distracted.>The Full Mark: Try to take him out for a while, so you can leave your name on him.>The Runner: Tsukino can't be far, best catch her now before she gets away.>3d10 regardless.
Rolled 10, 10, 5 = 25>>31652608>>The Runner: Tsukino can't be far, best catch her now before she gets away.Don't forget the fisting!
>>31652463It could've been, 20 or more and he'd be up and pissed.
Rolled 7, 3, 4 = 14>>31652672Someone is getting butt blasted.
Rolled 1, 5, 10 = 16>>31652608>The Full Mark!never give Ivan enough time to Grit Mode!
>>31652608>The Full Mark: Try to take him out for a while, so you can leave your name on him.Mark your territory
>>31652720If it'd been over a 20 Ivan would've been up and pissed. There's definitely potential for Grit Mode here...
Rolled 1, 9, 10 = 20
>>31652619>Dat rollYou fling yourself over to this shamo culo and perform something you'd barely risk if you weren't consumed by the flames of rage. You jump high, twisting in mid-air, and land crouched on the other side of Neils, right in front of the terrified Ivan Parkas.His pupils immediately shrink with fear right before receiving a hammer fist right to the temple. As he bowls over you grab... some computer shit, a gauntlet/tablet, you don't even care what it is! from Neils and proceed to club Ivan in the head with it."YOU. MOTHER. FUCKING. ASS. HOLE." punctuating each word with another hit to his infuriating face. He may not be grinning now but the image is burned right into your third eye.And that's why he'll be paying the most. You get an unused mug shard and get to work, tearing up his slightly hairy rear. You decide to step up your game and slice a large E and L on his left buttcheeck, in a cursive font that takes more time but does a lot more damage to the formerly unmarked surface. It takes longer than the quick efficient slices you did previously, but he's out cold....or he was until you started on the D."AAAARRRRGRHUGRHG!!!!">More Time!: Give him another few beatings with Neils (now broken) device!>Less Time!: Get it done quickly, before he can stop you!>Out Of Time!: Get away from him!>Write In: We're all DAQ fans here and I'm not great, if you have better ideas, throw em out there.
Rolled 8, 2, 4 = 14>>31653504>>Less Time!: Get it done quickly, before he can stop you!
Rolled 6, 3, 3 = 12>>31653504>Write inJam the handle of Parkas' tomahawk up his ass, then trigger the seismic shock.
Rolled 7, 9, 5 = 21>>31653583Now that's just evilRolling for it
>>31653606Winner Winner Chicken Dinner
>>31653606Ivan suddenly begins writhing again as he realises exactly what his happening to him. Unsure you can keep this giant brute down for long, you quickly rip off his back what looks to be the weapon that idiota loves so much.Quickly glancing at the tomahawk trying to find... yes, there it is. You deftly pull Ivan open again (this time, stifling some vomit in the process) and jam the rather wide handle as deep as it will go. If not for your inhuman strength and new burst of anger at having your handiwork interrupted you don't think you would've managed it.As it happens Ivan is only barely capable of comprehending what has just happened so he can't react before you hit the seismic trigger. The cavity probably filled with unspeakably sensitive burns suddenly starts shaking like a HOEV taking off. Ivans screams are so loud that you wince. He's crying you think.But time is of the essence, you set about finishing your work double-time, craftsmanship out the window because this tomahawk isn't going to make it easy anyway.>3d10 for Elda not losing a hand to tomahawk.
Rolled 8, 7, 10 = 25>>31654052
>>31654085These motherfuckin rolls.
>>31654052You quickly finish the job, deftly avoiding the horrible fluids emerging from Ivan as he wails and calls for his mother. You smirk as your workmanship, your own name, carved out in bleeding flesh on the ass of this faccia de cazzo, with his favourite "toy" bringing him pain.You turn to Niels and repeat your quick and efficient letter E that graced the skin of Markos and Cy with a fresh mug shard. He got lucky getting knocked out like that you reflect while standing.And see Valkyrie. Recording the whole thing.You're speechless.>Beg: Try to get her to hand over the video. HR will fuck you if they see this.>Run: There's nothing you can do now, at least there'll be recompense in finding Tsukino.>Strike: CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE>3d10 again.
Rolled 8, 4, 5 = 17>>31654369>Strike: CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE
Rolled 2, 10, 3 = 15>>31654369>Strike: CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGEBECOME THE CONQUERING RAPIST
Rolled 10, 9, 6 = 25>>31654369>Offer to let her carve her mark into Ivan's other Cheek while we hold the camera.
>>31654472These fuckin rolls man
>>31654369You set off immediately, your boots making huge clanking against the wide walkway you're on. You accompany your CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE with an appropriate battlecry.Valkyrie immediately sees what you're up and pulls out a shit-eating grin you swear she stole from Idiota No.1 and begins running towards at blinding speed.You leap into the air as you close in on her and she follows in suit, you begin to throw a punch but she twists around it and manages to headbutt you in the nose.There's a crunch and your whole world sways from the impact, you land face down on the walkway.>FIGHT: She might not expect you to get back up, surprise her.>EVADE: Jump to the walkway below, it'll buy some time.>IDIOTA: The only weapon around is... well, if you really want to.>3d10
Oh shit, didn't see that 25 until I posted.It'll count for the next thing then.
Rolled 7, 6, 5 = 18>>31654669>>IDIOTA: The only weapon around is... well, if you really want to.
>>31654669>IDIOTA: The only weapon around is... well, if you really want to.
Rolled 7, 8, 6 = 21>>31654669>IDIOTAtime to break the Valkyrie.
>>31654669You hear Valkyrie chuckle as she stands over you. "Rookies. One of them always snaps. I can't believe you did that. Now just stay down while I see what this video looks like".She plants a foot on your back as she starts to play the video back. "NO!" you yell, your voice slightly hoarse from so much at-your-limit yelling today. You flip over and grab Valk's leg, lift her up, and throw her a few feet, landing neck first on the guardrail.You wince. She rolls on the floor gasping for air and sputtering. You grab her camera and then make for Ivan who is remarkably still.When you arrive you notice he's missing two fingers and out cold. It seems he managed to turn the seismic trigger off, but at a price.At probably the most disgusted you've ever been, you wrench the tomahawk out of Ivan, a slurping sound, accompanied by a short pop act as a soundtrack to the horrifying event.You look down at the camera, this thing needs to be destroyed. You glance back at the tomahawk, you're not going to be able to use it efficiently while you're holding the sanitary parts (the trigger is only a bit bloodied, the rest is coated in feces, blood and... pus?).You vomit a little onto Ivan's EldaMark™ and then steady yourself. You hear a metallic "clank". The sound of boot on walkway.Valkyrie is glaring at you with what you expect was the same look you were giving the others not a few moments earlier.Unfortunately she's unprepared for what you do next. You hold out the tomahawk, turn your head away and hit the seismic trigger.A literal shitstorm blasts Valkyrie in the face, when you turn back around she's rolling on the floor spitting it out, vomiting and screaming about it being in her eyes.You make quick work of the camera while she's dealing with that. It's nothing more shrapnel now. >Fight: Prepare to attack Valk, she'll probably be up in a second.>Flight: She's gonna be pissed though.>Mark Valk: MARKS FOR THE MARK GOD.>3d10
Rolled 10, 9, 1 = 20>>31655381>>Mark Valk: MARKS FOR THE MARK GOD.
>>31655381I regret everything, this is fucked up I can't anymore, later.
Rolled 8, 7, 10 = 25>>31655381>Mark Valk: MARKS FOR THE MARK GOD.
>>31655566The dice gods have spoken>>31655522
>>31655381>All these 25s>MARK FOR THE MARK GOD.Reality is beginning to set in, your RAGE is dying down, though you think you could "grit" your teeth and bear it a little more if chance smiled brightly on you.You approach Valkyrie with purpose another mug shard in hand while she writhes on the floor. You pin her neck down with the tomahawk and she seems to understand. Resigned to her fate you get to work, scraping out another E with efficiency. But now...The horribly unsanitary events that have unfolded are making you shudder. You're suddenly very uncomfortable with this entire space. You flee.Charging through the mercenary accomodation section before anyone can catch up to you for vengance you see Darius. He grins as you approach."Hey Acerbi! What's u-""Stoandandoacasaparlopiùtardi!!!!!" you blurt out as you fly past him, internally cursing afterwards for not speaking english, or slowly.You rush through your door and inhale deeply.You're on the verge of a panic attack. What the hell just happened?!? You're much less angry now. Just scared. Very scared.>You're Dirty: CLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEAN>They'll Come: GUNSGUNSGUNSGUNSGUNS>Too Many: RUNRUNRUNRUNRUN
Rolled 5, 10, 3 = 18>>31655899>>You're Dirty: CLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEAN
Roll 3d10 for showerhead/guns/running
Rolled 2, 4, 2 = 8>>31656044
Rolled 10, 6, 8 = 24>>31656044
Rolled 3, 9, 6 = 18>>31656104Want me to roll for mother fucking?
Rolled 1, 5, 8 = 14>>31656157This is already disgusting enough.
Rolled 9, 5, 5 = 19>>31655899>You're Dirty: CLEANCLEANCLEANCLEANCLEAN>They'll Come: GUNSGUNSGUNSGUNSGUNSGet guns and run to the shower
Rolled 2, 6, 4 = 12>>31656189Not disgusting enough
>>31655899>>31656196>I like your style bubBeing coated in blood from "marking" as well as... other things you quickly strip off and head for the shower, flinging your clothes in the air with carefree abandon.As a last minute thought you grab your favourite sniper rifle from the gunrack, you're pretty sure you could get attacked at any point plus...You enter the shower, feeling sligh- NO, very insane. With all this insanity anything could happen, waves of paranoia wash over you as you lock the bathroom door and climb in the shower. Rifle and all.You scrub and rinse and lather and soak and clean yourself entirely three times. Taking some time out to curl up into a ball and hug your rifle. If you'd never met that culo you'd probably be living a stable stressless lif-The bathroom door handle slowly starts to turn...>Ten-Ring: Aim for where their vitals would be, end this quick.>Handle: Someone must be turning it, probably stood to the side too, shoot their hand off!>Hide: Get behind the door so when they break in, you can surprise them.>3d10
Rolled 7, 7, 3 = 17>>31656490Let them open the door, you have a gun and who'd expect that?
Rolled 9, 7, 7 = 23>>31656490>>Ten-Ring: Aim for where their vitals would be, end this quick.
Rolled 8, 10, 8 = 26>>31656490Hide
>>31656513The door is locked, they'll figure that out in a second.>>31656539Rolls R Us
>>31656590SHIT. IT HAPPENED.
Rolled 8, 7, 4 = 19>>31656590Welp, we invusible now.
>>31656641I don't always roll but, when I do, it's usually pretty good.
Rolled 10, 6, 10 = 26>>31656590>Gritfully hiding
>>31656490>FUCKKK DOUBLE GRITYou are Elda Acerbi. About five minutes ago, you went insane and did some unspeakable things to your friends. You know the shock of those things made you throw up, you nearly slipped on it when you ran away.You do not care.You think your nose is broken.You do not care.Someone is trying to get into your bathroom. You were going to hide. Now though?You do not care.All you, Elda Acerbi, care about is filling this shitty fucking space station with more holes than a planet made of sponges.>Elda is now in DOUBLE Grit Mode.>She gets a HUGE positive modifier to her actions>She's pretty crazy right now, she'll be shooting with every action.>Plan that attack, sucka.
>>31656900kick door open, apply RIFLEBUTT to faceHELLONO PEEKING
>>31656900They are trying to open the door, assit them, via bullets. Blowout the handle, kick the door open and ventilate all craniums presenton the other side of the door.
Rolled 4, 1, 4 = 9>>316569001-shoot2-shoot3-SHOOT
>>31656900Tactical bull rush the door open and begin the rifle beatings.
Rolled 3, 5, 1 = 9>>31657005And just in case.
>>31656900You walk forward. Wet footsteps reverberate in this steamy room. The handle stops turning. You charge. Exploding through the door you grip your rifle while screaming. Tsukino and Clayton who were behind the door are bowled over.You leap again and land on Clayton. Cackling manically you pulverise his face while firing rifle rounds into the ceiling. There's distant clanging as your rounds hit some part of the hull too thick. You see her flinch out of the corner of your eye as she thinks you distracted. You focus on letting her think that. Tsukino knows what she must do. Tsukino thinks she has you. Tsukino thinks her sword will end you.Tsukino is wrong.>SSUURPRIIISSEEE: Invite her into your special rifle acupuncture clinic.>CHYUARRGE: Leap at her naked and screaming, melee her face up.>GRREENAAADEEE: Clayton has em, FUCK IT.
Rolled 5, 6, 5 = 16>>31657215Neither. Yuri it up.
Rolled 5, 1, 3 = 9>>31657215>SSUURPRIIISSEEE!
Rolled 4, 9, 1 = 14>>31657292LESBIAN
>>31657292Welcome to the rabbit hole.
>>31657320NOT GRIT ENOUGH
Rolled 10, 4, 8 = 22>>31657383WELL THEN I'LL TRY AGAIN
Rolled 10, 8, 7 = 25>>31657383FUCK YOU AND YOUR DICE
Rolled 5, 1, 1 = 7>>31657383IS THIS HIGH ENOUGH TO BE GAY?
Rolled 7, 8, 6 = 21>>31657448You need practice.
>>31657215There is no room.There is no Tsukino.There is no you.Only gunfire. Your automatic sniper rifle guided to certain points you're only vaguely aware of. In some corner of your mind you know separate both of Noriko's arms at the elbows, then shoulders, then go for the knees.This continues for a while then you realise you've been trying to fire an empty gun for a while.There is a room. There is an Elda. There is no rounds in this damn gun. But there is surprisingly no Tsukino, a lot of red mist in this though.>What next?>CLOTHES>AMMO>SWORD
Rolled 8, 5, 5 = 18>>31657510>>SWORD
>>31657510You cackle. You stumble over to prized family sword. You were feeling a lot like shooting the fuck out of this place but now you realise you have a higher calling.This right here. Is the tool you are going to use to. MAKE. YOUR. FUCKING. MARK.You start with Clayton, sadly lacking a face after your rifle butt tried to make friends with him.Afterwards you head outside. Still completely naked and slightly soapy.>IVAN'S APARTMENT: Trash that idiota's place, maybe he'll be there when you get there too.>HR: Tell them just how much you fucking hate paperwork.>K-LEVEL: You heard there was a movie going on there or something.
Rolled 8, 10, 7 = 25>>31657510>AMMO!And by AMMO I mean>MOAR DAKKA!
>>31657846I was late so changing this to murdering the company's legal department.
Pretty sure it's just me and one other anon though.Plus I am the worst writefag.
>>31657930Well, it's at least two since I didn't role that 18, but I'm basically asleep over here so I wouldn't count on me for much longer.
>>31657930Im here too!
Yeah it's like 5:30am here.I'm pretty spent. I might pick this up around the time of the next DAQ just so we have something to do while it's happening.Thanks for participating guys. Sorry it's written shit and I keep missing words out and it got really gross for a bit.I'm not a real writefag/QM, it was just a funny thing to do.
>>31658067Don't worry, this was really fun and entertaining to follow. It'd be wonderful if you could keep writing humorous DAQ spin-offs like this sometimes when DAQ is running and being slow.You should archive this at suptg and include the DAQ tag
>>31658067Eh, I enjoyed it anyway. It's nice to have a bit of pure silly every once and a while.