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/tg/ - Traditional Games

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Your Imperial Guard regiment is stranded on an inhospitable world, without any contact with any imperial forces offworld, besieged by a horde of savage orks. Supplies are thin, and rescue is uncertain. However, as your squad is out looking for usable supplies, you come across this strange piece of ancient technology, in the rubble of a ruined village:


How will this monumental discovery affect your campaign for survival? could it be your salvation, or just another footnote in the records of a doomed regiment?
>It's a refrigerator that can interface with your blow-up doll!

This doesn't really help at all.
>a pair of trousers that craves attention! It fetches your hat.
Well at least the Comissar gets to die with his hat.
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>It's a fridge magnet! It looks like a fish!
Well men, looks like we can at least go out knowing we destroyed a heretical artifact that could have consumed all of humanity
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>It's a handgun that has room for an oven inside, inflates balloons and is completely reversible.

>Dildo that can drill through tanks.

More information would be nice.
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>It's a WAP device that remembers all of its past actions, doesn't take no for an answer and self-replicates.
I think we have a bigger problem than the Orks now.
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>It's a cigarette lighter that disposes of kitchen waste and is powered by clockwork.
>It's a rocket launcher that weighs less than a packet of cigarettes!

Things are looking up...
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>It's a deck of cards that makes you invisible! It can be programmed to perform simple tasks.

later fags
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>It's a carpet that chirps and whistles! It sticks to the ceiling like a gecko and looks bigger than it really is.
Now we have to deal with a new Tyranid Bio-organism.
>It's like a normal oven, but it inflates into a dinghy.

Okay, here's what I'm going to do. I put the oven inside a very small concrete bunker, I put a sign up that says "BIG DAKKA BOSS GIT ONLY"
When the Warboss enters the room the oven inflates and crushes the Warboss hopefully killing him and sending the Ork hordes into disarray
>Its a hat that can be controlled by willpower alone! It connects to the web.
This would be useful, if the Internet existed. Huh. Does this mean it can send messages back in time? There's got to be some way to abuse that. Attract the attention of the Ordo Chronos, if nothing else.
>It's a shoe-shiner that doesn't need oiling, kills cockroaches and fetches your hat.

Do i need to say it?
>Sends messages back in time.
>"Greetings from the future! Humanity prospers."
>Instantly gets trolled spammed, flamed, and hated upon.
>Guardsman is now depressed.
You have fallen to slaanesh
go lord tank fucker
rape the war machines of the false emperor
I got a rocket launcher that expands when you touch it, is different every time it's used, and affixes to any flat surface.

This shit may just turn the tide.
>It's a sheet of paper! It is oak-panelled!
Fuck the what
>It's a carpet! It makes you invisible!
Lay it on the ground, put the entire regiment on it. Surprise, xeno motherfuckers.
>It's a blow-up doll! It induces lucid dreaming!

Slaanesh sure is running out of ideas...
>It's a wristwatch that sends and recieves faxes
A miniature vox that communicates through writing, a silent method of communication? This will revolutionize our intelligence base!
>It's a bracelet that works at twice the normal speed, explodes when dropped and keeps children amused.

you all die, orks take carpet and drape it on to their Gargant
Humanity was fucked
>It's a Christmas tree that disinfects work surfaces!
Wipe it on Orks I guess, they're Fungus right?

>It's like a normal television set, but it can be taken on holiday.
I watch TV while trying to run away from the Ork hordes

>It's a pair of underpants that folds out into a tent and wears a waistcoat and tie.
I amaze the Orks with magic tricks. I wear the underpants and while wearing them I turn my lower body into a tent.

>It's a spanner that improves upper-body muscle!
Use the Spanner until I have the upper-body of the Warboss, then I challenge him to an arm wrestling competition for the planet

>It's like a normal stapler, but it's transparent.
I put it on the ground and hope they step on it and get staples in their foot
>It's a banner ad that moves faster than the speed of light!
Without the Warp? Well, if we make it out alive this will revolutionize the Imperium, but until then we'll... use it as a projectile, I suppose?
>It's a suppository! It lasts forever!

It knows.
>It's a baseball cap that's fully recycleable!
oh great, for a second I thought they'd have to bury it with my corpse. Don't want to destabilize the ecosystem of this inhospitable world now.
Oh god, I know that comic. Now post the next panel
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>It's like a normal rocket launcher, but it self-replicates.
Yes but orks are not "Work surfaces"
>It's an MP3 player that traps mice in a humane fashion, is twenty feet tall and can move faster than the speed of light.

>savage orks
We talking feral orks here, or are you using it as a descriptor?
>It's a robot! It inflates balloons!
How, uh. Useful.
Orks, which can be accurately described as being savage.

So just regular orks, then.
My troops got stranded on an inhospitable planet? Typical. Navy can't do its job again. Last time this happened the vets ate the white shields.

Oh what's this? What did we find?

"It's a towel that recites haiku!" One soldier that speaks out. The commissar shoots him in the head, something about heresy, chaos and all that. Turns out its true.

Moments later, we notice chaos demons pour out from the immaterium.

"Damn it." I say, going for the power sword at my hilt. "We're in for a long decade, boys."
Ah, well then...
>It's a handheld video recorder that's fully recycleable, doesn't always work and tastes delicious.
Emergency rations AND a last will and testament!
>It's a TV remote control that cures all known illnesses! It detects explosives.
Well at least we won't have herpes anymore. I guess they can't ambush us if they're holding grenades though.
>It's a saucepan that has sleek curves!

Give it to the ratling cook!
It's a milk carton that mimics its user! It mimics the movements of a lizard and kills all known germs dead.

I don't know, but if we get out alive we'll destroy nurglites next time we fight against them, hell, this one might straight up DESTROY nurgle

>agree takehwe
I agree too
>All known germs
Against Nurgle? That won't do shit.
>It's a golf club that produces pure oxygen and shoots laser beams.

so now we can terraform this inhospitable world well the orks kill us.
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>It's like a normal waffle iron, but it has a million household uses.
At least they're going to have a good last breakfast.
germ is a term that refers to bacteria, virii and parasytes. Or all the patogen microorganisms. Unless I'm butchering the english language again.
>It's like a normal suitcase, but it has adverts on the side.
Unless they're adverts for Dakkastop, we're fucked.
>t's a belt buckle that glows at night and removes stubborn stains.
I eat my laspistol.
>Design #3327388244
It's a stick of chewing gum that chirps and whistles, flashes at intervals and always points to magnetic north.
Better than my compass signal gum...
But hey! Look on the bright side, your uniform will be SPOTLESS after you kill yourself
I'm saying that Nurgle doesn't deal in known diseases.
I've always thought it woukd be horrific fighting orks in the guard. Especially kommandos.

>be guardsman on sentry duty at the edge of camp, bored
>everyone else is celebrating a minor victory, morale is pretty good
>after a while, notice that it's really quiet
>turn around to see what's up
>just as half a dozen 8 foot tall purple monsters are exiting the camp, covered in gore
>the lead one shakes his choppa a bit, dislodging the half of a commissar that was stuck to it
>smiles at you and puts his massive finger to his lips
>they leave you there, noiselessy disappearing into the night
>It's an ornately-engraved sphere that shouts 'WARNING!' at the first sign of danger!

So it's been shouting "WARNING!" since before we ever got here, and it will go on shouting "WARNING!" long after we're all gone. That's... yeah.
They'll be known after someone gets them. So it's pretty much a cycle of getting sick and then not sick until nurgle runs out of ideas/gets bored
>It's a razor that has room for a refrigerator inside and exists in five dimensions.
Pretty sure this is a Necron trinket of some sort, but god damn if it's not useful. Hell, might win us the war!
>>the lead one shakes his choppa a bit, dislodging the half of a commissar that was stuck to it
So they're pretty bro for filthy murderous xenos.
i brought coffee!

>It's a breakfast cereal that automatically avoids obstacles! It produces hot tea or coffee.
>It's an answering machine that may cause drowsiness!
All is lost.
>It's like a normal chocolate bar, but it waters your plants.

were be ready for colonization in no time.
A human clone that is completely waterproof... Well, it's one more body for the Orks to go through, but still we are verily boned.
>It's an artificial limb that knows what you want before you do!

Either I can outfight the bunch of orks, or it'll try to run away as fast as the first one appeared. Might be more useful to the Iron hands
>It's a genetically-modified sheep that's two inches tall! It makes amusing belching noises and fetches help in the event of an emergency.

You're our Only Hope small one.
Now I don't cry heretic often, but that post sounds mighty heretical to me.
>It's a shoe that gets +2 to kill undead! It exists in five dimensions.
I'd say I'd feel better about this if we were fighting necrons, but I don't think those are categorized as undead.
>I don't think those are categorized as undead
They totally are.

>It's a microwave that makes clicking noises and cures all known illnesses.
Well... I guess at least we won't die of tainted rations.

>It's a human clone that anticipates your every move and looks bigger than it really is.
I think I found one of the lost primarchs
>It's a small plastic pyramid that can move faster than the speed of light!
An old Nectrontyr child's toy?
>It's like a normal handgun, but it works in the rain.
...Have we been using flintlocks this whole time?
>It's a dog collar that holds up to twenty cigarettes! It kills weeds down to the root and moulds vegetables.

But can it kill fungus?
>It's a vacuum cleaner that doesn't need oiling and can be taken on holiday.
In the Emperor's name, I purge dirt from the carpets.
>It's a refrigerator that catches spiders! It is made of solid gold.
Aaaand the commissar takes it and I get jackshit in return.
>It's a samurai sword that's smaller than a matchbox, comes in seven different colours and is twenty feet tall.
>Smaller than a matchbox
>Over twenty feet tall

I think I found a deamon weapon.
>It's a sock! It can be used by several people at once!

At least we won't get trenchfoot!
>It's a hairpiece that improves upper-body muscle and removes stubborn stains.
I will be both clean and muscley. So... when I die it'll look really inspiring.
Design #866631859

It's a digital camera that fetches help in the event of an emergency and records memos.

Depends on what sort of help it fetches.
The local fire department.
>It's a piece of string that makes popcorn, automatically avoids obstacles and keeps drinks hot.

Holy fuck, unlimited food and hot beverages for the regiment? This is actually really useful.
>It's like a normal fax machine, but it never needs repairing.
Well, on the bright side communications are going to be excellent.
>Design #96023319
>It's a toilet seat that cures all known illnesses!
It's like a normal penknife, but it looks like a pot-plant.

>It's a piece of string! It clamps to your wrist!

You don't deserve to cry
>It's an ornately-engraved sphere! It can easily be recycled!
Mysterious is bad, right?
>It's a new type of vegetable that produces pure oxygen! It is audible only to dogs.
Well this is useful for terraforming efforts.
>It's a toothbrush that secretes a sticky glue and glows at night.
Roll for diplomacy, Orks love teef right? I'm sure we can come to some arrangement to let them have a set of shiny, glowing chompers.

>It's a T-shirt that can play the trumpet! It produces hot tea or coffee.
Cool, so I get a fanfare into battle, plus as much recaf as my IG can drink (or more likely tea, because we know everyone in 40k is british as fuck)

>It's a bathtub that induces lucid dreaming, looks like an airbag and has room for a lunchbox inside.
I... what?
>It's a hammer that uses captured Martian technology! It may cause drowsiness and plays a selection of current chart hits.

The techpriest really wants to take this away from us.
>It's a pair of underpants that shouts 'WARNING!' at the first sign of danger! It remembers all of its past actions and repels bees.

No Kommando's can sneak up on us now!

Which one of those was about a Komando?
I think it was the fifth along on the second line.
Are you sure?
Actually I don't kn-
What was that
>Stoopid Umie
>It's a saucepan! It catches spiders!
Extra protein!

>It's a breakfast cereal! It can be programmed to perform simple tasks!
I'm not actually sure how useful this will be. I mean, either eat it or make it do things. Choice is yours.

>It's a window pane that plays the theme from Steptoe and Son and follows you around.

>It's like a normal strain of bacteria, but it helps around the home.
Nurgle pls go
>It's a Parachute, it folds out into a tent!

At least we don't have to pack separate ones of each.
This is actually pretty handy.
Blasted greenskins... Now then...
*BLAMS guardsman*
Doubt is heretical, you sc-
>Oi! I gots one of dem komisar humies
>It's a gas-mask that emits harmful gases and comes in seven different colours.

The Kriegers will be all over this little beauty in seconds.
>It's a rocket launcher that works at any altitude! It swears.

This is a gun in Borderlands 2 isn't it?
>It's a scooter that mimics its user!

>It's a pillow that can extinguish fires, self-replicates and shoots laser beams.

Quickly Guardsmen man your battle pillows!
>It's a wrapping paper that unblocks drains!
>It's an alcoholic drink that can extinguish fires.

Wait, how?
>It's a piece of string that's used by the US military and waters your plants.
This relic of holy Terra shall do nicely to attract reinforcements
>It's a necklace! It shoots laser beams!

Counts as an assault weapon and gives an extra attack in close combat.
Looks fucking fabulous as well.
>It's a sticking plaster! It hums incessantly!

>It's a billboard that has been blessed by a priest! It connects to a walking stick and plays a selection of current chart hits

Hate all that modern schlock. They stopped making good music when I joined the Guard.
>It's like a normal breakfast cereal, but it sorts your mail.
Guardsmen get mail?
>It's a feather duster! It has a million household uses!
Hurray. The camp will be clean as a whistle when the orks kill everyone.
>It's like a normal bicycle, but it's transparent.

Well, that's not completely useless, right? I mean, I can get around on it.
>It's a bracelet, it tells time!

I don't think mankind is ready for such a device.
>It's a personal organiser that fits in your pocket! It chirps and whistles and makes amusing belching noises.

At least my death will be slightly amusing.
>It's like a normal Christmas tree, but it's two inches tall.

>It's a rocket launcher that's covered with realistic fur, disables itself if it's taken more than 100 feet away from its base and lasts forever.

Ummm, useful for defending locations on an ice planet?
I would think that it would be a space wolf artifact
> It's like a normal featureless cube, but it plays a selection of current chart hits.
Well, at least we'll have some decent music to listen to while we're being eaten, disemboweled and/or mind-raped
>It's a jetpack that changes colour to reflect your mood! It works in the opposite way to that which you'd expect and displays a slideshow of pictures.

How does it work then?
Should I be scared?
>It's a pair of roller-skates that freezes anything it touches! It keeps track of your personal calendar and has been blessed by a priest.

It's clean of chaos taint, I just need to leave it out in the open where the Orks will freeze themselves trying to loot it.

>It's a first-aid kit! It hasn't gone on any murderous rampages yet!

>It's a computer mouse! It fetches help in the event of an emergency!
Is it left click or right click to send reinforcements?

>It's a microwave that produces pure oxygen! It will make your shopping bag obsolete.

Turn it on high for 30 minutes and then get far far away from it, then fire an explosive at it when the hordes reach it.
>It's a jetpack! It has a mind of its own!

At least yours doesn't fly you into mountains on purpose.
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All we need is someone suicidal enough to pull it!
>It's a rickshaw that shoots laser beams!
>It's a refrigerator that cleans itself, records everything you say and can move faster than the speed of light.

Yeah, I'm golden.
> It's like a normal postage stamp, but it's built and maintained by tiny nano-robots.
Nano-machines, son
>It's a shower head that traps small animals! It emits a constant high-frequency whine and runs on six little wheels.

Well, I'm safe from squigs, at least. And snotlings if they count as animals.
It's like a normal stick of chewing gum, but it's completely waterproof.

welps time to kick ass and chew bubblegum
That could actually prove useful depending on whether or not it travels through the warp to achieve FTL speeds
>It's a handheld rocket launcher that revolves! It cleans itself.

An rocket launcher that doesn't need maintenance and fits in a mans hand?
We don't have to much to worry about as we all duel wield rocket launchers now.
It's a replacement arm! It plays the american national anthem, squirts water and kills cockroaches!

Change national anthem for battle hymns, put holy promethium instead of water, and replace cockroach spray with more promethium and we got ourselves a weapon of war, baby!
>It's a cardboard box that knows your name, may have harmful side effects and records everything you say.

I-I, I need to speak with the chaplain
>It's a fizzy drink that operates on a quantum level!

nurgle or tzench?
>It's like a normal wristwatch, but it plugs into the mains.

Hmm I'll give it one re-roll while the tech-priest investigates it.

>It's a human clone that operates on a quantum level and emits thick black smoke.

Well, we maybe take the orks down with us,
Or ancient Necrontyr technology
>It's an explosive device that's not suitable for children!

Praise the emperor! We might just make it out of this!
>It's a car that looks like a fish and can go from 0 to 60mph in three seconds.
Time to GTFO

>It's a pair of shoes that's perfectly safe to use and operates on a quantum level.
Perfectly safe... sure

>It's a genetically-modified sheep that keeps you warm at night! It doesn't need batteries and knows your name.
And they shall know no coldness

>It's a rubber fish that's slightly hallucinogenic! It extends at the touch of a button and craves attention.
slaanesh lost a toy I see.

>It's a blow-up doll that's invisible to the naked eye! It talks.
Slaanesh again.

>It's a candle! It displays pornography!
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>It's a speaker system that waters your plants and shouts 'WARNING!' at the first sign of danger.
>>It's a genetically-modified sheep that keeps you warm at night! It doesn't need batteries and knows your name.

Was this invented by the Welsh?
>It's a breakfast cereal that responds to temperature changes! It makes you invisible.

We might just have a shot... If we don't get blammed by any living Commissariat or the Ecclesiarchy first.
>It's a wristwatch that detects harmful gases, lasts forever and disinfects work surfaces.

this... could actually be incredibly useful if we got it back to mars for mass production
>It's like a normal contraceptive device, but it has been blessed by a priest.

>It's a rocket launcher that will drive you insane!
Clearly a daemon weapon.

>It's like a normal cricket bat, but it freezes anything it touches.
Hit the Warboss with it.

>It's like a normal chainsaw, but it can be used by children.
Apparently schola kids get chainswords now.
>It's a briefcase that keeps your teeth clean! It produces 240v of electricity.
Clean teeth AND ork-frying electricity! Plus we can carry gear in it! We're all good.
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>It's a football that hovers!

That´s just awesome.

>It's a waffle iron that keeps children amused! It plugs into your CD player and tastes delicious.
It could distract the orks, if we could find a CD player to run it.
>It's like a normal security camera, but it has a built-in calculator.

The Ad-Mech may be interested in a pict-stealer with built in cogitator
>It's a wrapping paper that believes itself to be self-aware! It can emulate a ZX Spectrum.

i detect warp shenanigans
>It's a DVD player! It makes virtually no noise whatsoever!
Not terribly useful, but I suppose it's good for morale.

This... is actually a really good 40k webcomic. It reminds me of Slut Patrol.
>It's like a normal feather duster, but it does away with household drudgery.

Ha, no more camp upkeep! This is great for morale.
>It's a bicycle that walks on three mechanical legs!

Awww shit the Dark Mechanicus have been here
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>It's a chainsaw! It swears!
It's beautiful.

>It's a rocket launcher that swears!
It's happening the machine spirits have had enough.
It's a robot that detects evil!
Why is a Warforged Paladin in the 40k universe?
>It's a burger carton that can be controlled remotely! It runs on a single AA battery and is programmed against harming humans.

I don't know what to say.

>It's a handheld crematorium that makes reassuring noises! It plays Sokoban.

So, a flamer? That makes nice noises and has one of those puzzle games incorporated in it? Very nice. Orks can get fucked.

>It's a football that can be controlled remotely and records memos.

I can cheat in football games AND update my journal! Suck it, orks!
>It's a biro that uses captured Martian technology and is ten feet tall.
Well, if they're invading your camp, just set up the floors of it to be work surfaces.
>It's an artificial limb that can be used in zero-gravity! It can disable electrical hardware and weighs less than a packet of cigarettes.

Omnissiah, we thank you for your gift that we may become closer to the perfect machine!

>It's an artificial limb that tells you when people are lying, will drive you insane and glows with an eerie green light.

"Onward men! We will have victory this day!" *he lies, he leads you all to your deaths, he is weak, you must expose the traitor, you are stronger than he could ever be*
chaos all up in this bitch

>It's a teddybear that detects explosives, is not suitable for children and can play chess.

i think this used to keep an inquisitor company

>It's a pair of shoes! It flies like a rocket!

fuck yall im getting out of here
>It's an eraser that speaks with the voice of James Earl Jones and chirps and whistles.
>It's a business card that's fully recycleable! It pings when it's ready and jams mobile phone frequencies.

Maybe I can jam Ork communications with it.
>It's a bathtub! It makes virtually no noise whatsoever!

We're saved!
>Maybe I can jam Ork communications with it.
>It's a handgun that pushes things down staircases! It detects evil.

Glorious last stand at the top of a staircase purging all the unclean

>It's like a normal alcoholic drink, but it crushes ice.

and just like that, morale isnt an issue

>It's a bar of soap that has velcro pads on the side!

for when you want that DEEP clean feeling

>It's a headband that's unbreakable! It shoots laser beams.

well heres hoping that i dont get blammed for replacing my standard issue helmet

>It's like a normal pair of trousers, but it uses captured Martian technology.

what exactly about those would be normal?
Design #270512909

It's an energy drink that displays pornography and fits in your pocket.

>Every modern soldier's fantasy
It's a banner advert that sends and receives text messages! It won't make a hole in your wallet and contains the entire Encyclopaedia Britannica.

I'm sure this dataslate will come in handy when I'm being shit out by an ork.
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>It's like a normal bicycle, but it emits a constant high-frequency whine.
At least I won't lose it.
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I done nuka'd myself
It's a screwdriver that keeps you warm at night

Finally we can actually repair things rather then just letting the Techpriests smack it around with phallic tech.
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>It's a toaster that uses human blood for fuel!
>It's a candle. It blocks UV light.

>It's a newly-discovered breed of fish that's different every time you use it and shreds documents.
Tzeentch pls
> It's a towel! It is unbreakable!

Surround myself with towel, unbreakable defensive shield.

> It's a razor that's better than the last one! It glows in the dark and probably won't work.

...typical munitorium dickheads.

> It's an explosive device! It makes money fast!

Fantastic! Weapon and infinite wealth!
>It's a pen that's ten feet tall!

Ever so fucking useful. Maybe if I were a space marine I could bludgeon the orks with it.
>It's a skateboard that has velcro pads on the side! It plays MP3s and craves attention.


>It's a walking stick that follows a target of your choice! It hasn't gone on any murderous rampages yet.

I bet Khorne did this.

>It's a scooter that speaks randomly-generated sentences, dissolves dirt and fires plastic darts.

Are they at least poison darts? Because that could be useful.

>It's like a normal shoelace, but it cannot be moved.

An Immovable Shoelace. Now THAT could come in handy.
>It's an ornately-engraved sphere that sings comical songs!

We can distract a Big Mek with it while we steal his ship and then die when we realise that it has no Geller field because top kek Orkz don't care about the warp.
>It's like a normal wafer-thin plastic sheet, but it emits dangerous radiation.

Leave it out with a note asking the orcs to take it
Warp? Is is something you can fght?
>It's a strain of bacteria that moulds to fit its user, changes colour to reflect your mood and hovers.
Nope, got nothing.
>It's a fridge magnet that wears a waistcoat and tie!
So... a novelty fridge magnet.

I'm going to die.
>It's a barcode reader that obeys simple instructions and connects to the Internet.
So, a completely ordinary barcode reader. Does 40k even have an Internet?
>It's a burger carton that plays a mean game of Go, plays MP3s and cures all known illnesses.

I find a burger carton that once contained a burger eaten by the emperor during the great crusade! I inform the men and the rightous zeal in inspire in them leads to the shift defeat of the green menace. I am made a planetary governor by the high lords of terra.
>It's a false moustache that disposes of kitchen waste! It has a built-in motion sensor.
>It's a false moustache that disposes of kitchen waste!
>It has a built-in motion sensor.

what is this? i dont even
>It's an artificial limb! It kills fleas!
Praise the Omnissiah!
>It's a new type of vegetable that removes stubborn stains, communicates via Instant Messenger and displays pornography.

A guardsman's fucking wet dream. It's porn you can grow! And it removes stains! And you can communicate using it! And you can even eat it!

gg orks, no re
>It's a handgun that's great for hammering in nails, moulds vegetables and is better than the last one.

I guess i can barricade and shoot at the same time, and mold my vegetable art by shooting them... Also whoever got the last one must be feeling fucking sorry for himself

>It's a parachute that can be bolted onto a hairpiece! It makes reassuring noises.

Let's go, paratroopers! I have a good feeling about this one!
>It's a handheld riot shield that sounds better than it looks!

Could be useful when those orks charge.

>It's a computer monitor that doesn't need batteries! It cannot be moved and is transparent.

A screen I can't see that I can't take anywhere.

>It's a hammer that's heavier than it looks! It can help you lose weight and is built and maintained by tiny nano-robots.

I'm going to be rewarded greatly if we can get out of here.

>It's a digital camera that speaks with the voice of James Earl Jones! It looks like a fish and is audible only to dogs.


>It's a bubble-car that runs on a single AA battery and chirps and whistles.

Pretty good. If its STC approved then the imperium will e able to produce civilian vehicles as energy efficient as lasguns.

>It's like a normal umbrella, but it dehumidifies the air.

So it keeps me dry while keeping me dry. At least I wont get trench foot!
>dehumifidies the air
Orkz need some humidity to grow!
>It's an ornately-engraved sphere! It unblocks drains!
Good news about the latrines, guys!
>It's a computer monitor! It is also available in white!

*cough* Nurgle *cough*
It's a barcode reader! It has been blessed by a priest!

I have found blessed wargear!
>It's like a normal golf club, but it automatically avoids obstacles.

So... a completely useless one?
>It's a contraceptive device! It runs on methane!

>It's a towel! It keeps drinks cold!

Yes, soon the Orks shall fall to the refreshed forces of the Emperor!
> It's an answering machine that emits thick black smoke! It makes hilariously rude noises.

Smokescreen AND a distraction!
>It's a feather duster that picks up Radio Four and extends at the touch of a button.

Both a duster AND a vox! This will be useful as hell.
>It's a briefcase! It traps mice in a humane fashion!
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>It's a knife that has sleek curves! It can run MAME roms and can play Mornington Crescent.
I think I just found a daemon weapon.
>It's a marker pen! It quacks like a duck!

Gonna distract the hell outta them orks and kill them while they're confused. All fall victim to the space duck.
>It's a television set that's actually just a solid block of plastic! It can bring down an elephant and bounces.

Uh, bounce the plastic block at the Orks and hope it kills them? I guess?
>It's a stapler that sorts your mail!
Staplers can already do that.
>It's a sandwich-toaster that keeps drinks cold and fetches help in the event of an emergency.

Literally the most handy thing I can even think of. The orks will be butchered with morale this high.
> It's an eraser that's solar-powered! It catches fire very easily.
Firebomb igniter.

> It's an office whiteboard that defies gravity, is built and maintained by tiny nano-robots and plays Sokoban.

> It's a bar of soap that plays Nethack and induces lucid dreaming.
Yay, an escape at last?

> It's a wafer-thin plastic sheet that waters your plants and cannot be moved.
Water source.

> It's a belt buckle that looks better than it sounds, is smaller than a matchbox and is made entirely of wood.

> It's a waffle iron that does the washing up and sounds better than it looks.
WAFFLES ARE HERETICAL says the commissar. Confiscated and destroyed.

> It's a T-shirt that fetches help in the event of an emergency! It has a million household uses.
What could be more of an emergency than this? Hi, Imperial navy? HALP.

> It's a candle that expands at the touch of a button and is smaller than a matchbox.
Now I can light my tent.

> It's a pogo stick that's used by the US military! It can be used by the whole family.
Boing boing boing boing. Then I bounced into a tank. My leg hurts.

> It's a newspaper that records memos and comes with a variety of coloured fascias.
Memo: This shit sucks.
Memo: I hate orks.
Memo: The commissar is an asshole.

> It's like a normal blow-up doll, but it doesn't need oiling.
They... They need oiling? Auctioned off to the highest bidder.

> It's a robot that jumps like a frog and quacks like a duck.
Tech-heresy. Destroyed.

> It's like a normal pillow, but it's twenty feet tall.

> It's a DVD player that catches fire very easily! It emits a powerful searchlight beam and always points to magnetic north.
A compass and flashlight. What the fuck are DVDs?

> It's a key-ring that doesn't need batteries and expands at the touch of a button.
Hit the button, threw it into a random tent. Beaten up by stormtroopers.

> It's like a normal suppository, but it dissolves in water.
>It's a games console! It records everything you say!
Hey look, I found an Xbox One!
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It's a jetpack that cures all known illnesses, squirts water and displays a slideshow of pictures.
>Design #3773481869

>It's a golf club that fetches your hat! It uses human blood for fuel.

Well at least we'll have hats on our heads when we die
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>It's a gas-mask that's laced with vodka! It will make your postage stamp obsolete.
no wonder
after few minutes of vodka fumes, you would black out and appear elsewhere (with headache)
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damn I meant to post this pic
>It's a pillow! It is ten feet tall!

"It's a saucepan that looks bigger than it really is and can help you lose weight."

You know, this is the only result I've gotten so far that's actually had some plausible relation between features. If every meal is always a bit smaller than you intended, of course you'll lose weight.
>It's a trouser press that can emulate a ZX Spectrum, uses captured Martian technology and has a mind of its own.

An insanely tech-heretical trouser press. I think this one is best destroyed.
>It's a blow-up doll that's covered with realistic fur! It smells a bit funny.

Wonderful! The Space Wolves must have a base somewhere nearby!
>Martian technology
Are you shitting me nigga, that's Admech gear. You give them that thing and you might get your own planet.
> It's a pair of underpants that fetches help in the event of an emergency, can heat a small house and receives data from any nearby telephone.

Astartes incoming! And ork prank calls.
>has a mind of its own
Naw bro. They'd servitorize me just for seeing it.
>It's an explosive device that can help you lose weight! It improves upper-body muscle and has a human brain inside.
So I found an old dud suicide servitor. Lovely.

Game changer
Rolled 6, 4, 4, 4, 4, 4, 5 = 31

Its a rocket launcher that won't put a hole in you wallet.

not bad, look like ill be able to take out that filthy xeno tank.
It's like a normal bathtub, but it catalogues its contents.

>it's a gun
Looking good so far.
>that lasts forever.
I like where this is going.
>that uses captured Martian technology.
Blessed by the Omnissiah!
>that smells of flowers.
>and always points to magnetic north.
Keeps getting better!
>It's a penknife that can heat a small house and is used by the US military.

Well shit.
Design #46627146
>It's a computer monitor that plays the American national anthem! It has a human brain inside and repairs itself.

Good ol' standard imperial tech.
>It's a newly-discovered breed of fish! It inflates into a dinghy!

>It's a lightbulb that speaks with the voice of James Earl Jones!

Morale is up!
>It's a cardboard box! It operates on a quantum level!

well, maybe I could hide inside it?
But what if your foes are southwards?
>It's a toothbrush that cannot be moved and recites haiku.

Good luck using me
The orks will eat you alive
Where is your god now?
>It's a human clone that's water-absorbent and dispenses tea or coffee.
It's either coffee-machine servitor or bio-engineered goo girl with deliciously flavored surface.
So basically my regiment either stays awake a little bit easier or falls to Slaanesh in two weeks tops.
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I like that haiku, anon.
>It's a crematorium that can be used on the move! It self-replicates and can be taken apart and reassembled in thirty seconds.

Pitfall Crematorium Trap Defensive Perimeter, anyone?
>It's a crematorium! It mows your lawn!
Having trouble seeing how this will be useful.
Tactical maneuvering.
Rolled 3, 3 = 6


Rolled 864, 901, 251, 715, 827, 96, 6, 679, 917, 249, 954, 530, 234, 334, 553, 810, 434, 291, 686, 647, 25, 55, 644, 582, 536 = 12820

yfw it goes up your butt.

It's a stereo system that's completely waterproof, connects to the Internet and moulds vegetables

It'll be a long war... But at least we'll be rocken
>It's a retinal implant that's transparent!

Uh... I'm assuming this gives me a HUD.
No. This means that in order to connect to the Internet, it will have to send messages BACK IN TIME.
>It's a security camera that traps small animals! It sticks to the ceiling like a gecko.

Security is a go.
>It's a riot shield that's water-resistant! It is made of solid gold.
Fanciest guardsmen ever, completely useless though
>It's a fizzy drink that's twenty feet tall and can bring down an elephant.
>Fizzbombs replace all other 'nades
>It's like a normal rubber fish, but it catches spiders.

Well, the regiments spider epidemic is now under control.
>It's like a normal rickshaw, but it hasn't gone on any murderous rampages yet.


I don't trust this rickshaw...
>It's like a normal sheet of paper, but it can read warchalking symbols.
I'm going to get mind-scrubbed for seeing this, aren't I.
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>It's an ornately-engraved sphere that improves upper-body muscle! It has sharp edges and connects to a shoelace.

>sharp edges
Welp, we're boned. This is some chaos shit, I just know it.
>It's a small plastic pyramid that makes virtually no noise whatsoever! It hovers three feet from the ground.
Well, that never leads to something good.
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>It's a strain of bacteria! It believes itself to be self-aware!

>It's a hair gel that weighs less than a packet of cigarettes! It kills ants.

Squirt it around the perimeter of the camp, no more ants. So that's something.
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Praise the Welsh!
>> It's a towel! It is unbreakable!
Grab it and DON'T PANIC
Every regiment should have towels as standard issue.
>It's a knife that destroys household pests, follows you around and folds away when not in use.

well if we were fighting nids this might help
If nids are your equivalent of household pests you may just want to move planet.
>It's a hammer that doesn't take no for an answer!

awww hell yea! time to thump some orks!
Three quarters of my generation died before adulthood, but so what, the survivors know how to take down mag train sized insects!
>It's a unicycle that shoots laser beams! It keeps children amused and is guaranteed to save you a hundred pounds a month.

I think I got this
>It's a strain of bacteria that looks really, really good!

oh sweet emperor... nurgle and slaanash had a baby... we are every single kind of fucked
>It's a football that makes you invisible! It can bring down an elephant.

FINALY something useful! get deep behind the ork lines let loose and bring down the fucking squiggoth
Strap it to yourself since it can't be broken its god tier armor
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>t's a burger carton that changes colour to reflect your mood! It plays the American national anthem and chirps and whistles.
>Design #4077153906
>It's a suppository that's powered by a single hamster! It makes reassuring noises.

Shhhh no tears, only dreams now.
>It's a microwave that uses human blood for fuel! It looks really, really good.

Blood for the blood god's utilities!
>faster then the speed of light
>more speed=more mass
>everything dies because of a banner ad
>like everything
>you just killed the chaos gods
>and the emperor

>It's like a normal hammer, but it exists in five dimensions.

found the daemon weapon

>It's a sandwich-toaster that freezes anything it touches! It is made entirely of wood.

there is nothing waiting for me but a Blamming or madness if i touch this

>It's a cigarette lighter that cuts through stone as if it were butter! It kills ants and clamps to your wrist.

would this be more a melta or a flamer? either way im set

>It's a cigarette lighter! It catches fire very easily!

thats not dangerous

>It's a toilet seat that sticks to the ceiling like a gecko! It uses human blood for fuel.

so much chaos

>It's a greetings card that walks on three mechanical legs! It will drive you insane.

"this message is to inform you that your soul is now the property of chaos undivided" *insert impossible warp runes here* [screaming intensifies]

>It's a handgun that can go from 0 to 60mph in three seconds!

i cant tell if useful or not
>It's a genetically-modified sheep that's completely waterproof! It squirts water and detects explosives.

Okay, as long as we can keep it calm this should really useful against the ork efforts. Unless it's genetically modified not to have fear.
>It's a teddybear! It expands at the touch of a button!

i found Mr.Tibbers... or did tibbers find me? my squad is fucked
>It's a bar of soap that has a mind of its own, has been featured in Star Trek and kills weeds down to the root.

>It's like a normal iMac, but it can bring down an elephant.

Could be useful
>It's a sock that's used by the US military! It is invisible to the naked eye and folds away when not in use.

I found Johnsons rock!
>It's a bubble-car that looks really, really good and hovers.

Sweet new hover car.
>It's a contraceptive device that counts your loose change! It takes high-quality digital photos and detects evil.

Not sure if useful.
>It's a robot that improves upper-body muscle, keeps children amused and tells the time.

>It's a robot that improves upper-body muscle

Men, I have two words to say to you. 'Affix Bayonets.'
You have nothing to complain about

>It's a handgun that probably won't work and is voice-activated.

I'm so dead
>It's a featureless cube that's also available in white! It works at twice the normal speed and has room for an eraser inside.

So an ordinary box?
>It's a riot shield! It doesn't need batteries!
Well I guess that is true
>It's a pot plant that talks!

purge it
>It's an explosive device that can be controlled by willpower alone!

nothing good can come of this psyker nonsence
I wasn't complaining, I figure if you improve their upper body strength enough, they might actually be able to hold their own against orcs in melee.
>It's like a normal alcoholic drink, but it explodes when dropped.

Guys! I found a molotov!
That's a damn big matchbox.
From the way it's phrased, you have more to worry about from all those other rickshaws.
>it's like a normal burger carton, but it's twenty feet tall.
Guys we've gout ourselves a Trojan Horse
>It's a wafer-thin plastic sheet that fetches your hat! It can play the trumpet and uses human blood for fuel.
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>It's a teddybear that can be used to deter muggers!

Get ready to melt some greenskin hearts, men.
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That actually doesn't sound too far out for alternate Sentinel designs. A bigass thin metal shell mounted on top of a monowheel with a stubby arms and a multilaser or lascannon. It works! In recognition of your discovery and your profound service against the Orks of Gente III, your entire regiment has been given permanent recon duty. Thanks for inspiring muh drawfag
>It's a letterbox that makes popcorn!

At least we're all well fed!
A watch?
>It's a CD-rom! It tells the time!

How useful.
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>It's a chainsaw that's twenty feet tall, is covered with realistic fur and is programmed against harming humans.
>It's like a normal golf club, but it uses captured Martian technology.
The AdMech will LOVE this
>>It's a deck of cards that loves children! It can be used by the whole family.

A normal deck of cards
>It's like a normal stereo system, but it's invisible to the naked eye.
Good Christ we're fucked
>It's an explosive device that self-replicates, can be controlled remotely and is made from recycled cardboard.

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>It's like a normal cricket bat, but it helps around the home
Give it to the commissar? Or keep for myself?
>It's a walking stick that hovers!
>Walking stick that hovers

I have a walking stick that defeats it's very purpose it was designed for.

>It's like a normal milk carton, but it emits thick black smoke.

We'll make our own milk cartons, with blackjack, and hookers!
Design #3200180992

It's a chainsaw! It makes you invisible!

...And as it's orks the noise won't give you away! Back in a bit lads, got a Warboss' Head to nab for the Commander's trophy room.
>It's a human clone that has a human brain inside! It has been blessed by a priest and will not work outside of the UK.

Did I just get some kind of experimental codex writer or something?

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