>Five-hundred-and-one years ago, the dark Lichnomancer, nine feet tall and striding in robes of ebon silk, armed with a staff mounted with human souls, threw the world into darkness, and was prophecized to be defeated by a chosen hero>He failed>Those few humans "fortunate" enough to survive eek out a meager existence on the crops they're able to grow with two hours of cloudy daylight at noon - the rest of the time, there is only haze and the hatred of spirits who wish again for life>Every few months, you hear about another village destroyed by the Lichnomancer's unchecked roving armies of the dead, that he doesn't even bother to direct or stand down>One year ago, the hero was reborn to try again, and battled the Lichnomancer in his own arena - but failed at the critical hour>On the anniversary of Bill Murray's defeat, a black-and-gold carriage rides into your village>Doors and windows shut and boarded up, but you were too slow, and are locked out>Ohshitohshitohshit>The carriage opens its door and out comes every nightmare you've had - he steps lightly, but towers over you by over three feet>"HUMAN," a ghastly voice that chills you to the bone speaks as his skull glows pale light without moving its jaw. "I HAVE COME FOR ONE REASON, AND ONE REASON ALONE. SUBMIT, AND I MAY SPARE THIS VILLAGE, IF ONLY OUT OF DISINTEREST IN IT.">Your knees wobbling, it takes all your courage to croak out a "W-what?">He slams his staff into the ground, and around you forms a basketball court of blood, bone, and sinnew>He summons next a scoreboard, held aloft by a hovering dracolich, its boney wings keeping it in the air at the cost of belting you with 70 mph winds every few seconds - the Lichnomancer seems to take no heed>Lastly he makes a fist, and above it forms out of a hundred screaming souls bound for the Abyss a spherical object - a basketball. He grabs it and casually throws it into your chest with almost enough force to knock you over>"I AM HERE TO JAM."What do?
I take off my hood.
>>29371661Wow, five hundred years sure flew by fast!
Rolled 1>>29371661Rolling for B-Ball
>>29372345Well shit. Settle in for 500 more years of darkness I guess.
>>29371822its 500 dog years.
>>29372431yo dawg sup?
Rolled 18>>29371661Welcome to the jam, lich.Rolling for some sick moves
Rolled 7>>29372514Pass da ball mang
Rolled 18>>29372514Opposed basketball check.
>>29372514>>29372612>double 18sSHUT UP AND JAM
>>29372612ROLLING OPPOSED OPPOSED BASKETBALL CHECK
Rolled 20>>29372844I FUCKED UP
>>29372866THE LICH HAS BEEN OUTBALLEDTHE VILLAGE IS SAVEDALL HAIL THE BARKMASTER
>>29372866NO, NO YOU DIDN'T.
Rolled 12>>29372612I am the basketball. 20 says I explode.
Rolled 14>>29372947HERE I GO
>>29372947>>29373000OH MY GOD
>>29372866And so the world was saved.
Rolled 8>>29373000HOW CAN THIS BE?!
>>29372866THAT WAS FOR BILL, YOU BASTARD! THE SPIRIT OF MAN CAN NOT BE BESTED!
Rolled 3>>29373091WELCOME TO THE JAM, LICHNOMANCER
Rolled 4>>29373151a swing and a miss, barkley
Rolled 2>>29373151Rolling as the planet earths spirit. 20 helps Charles Barkley become the greatest B-baller ever.1 says I blow up. :*(
Rolled 7>>29373151>>29373198I AM NOT YET DEFEATED, MORTAL FOOLS!
Rolled 18Pathetic mortals! You may have defeated the Lichnomancer, but he was merely a pawn in my greater game. Now witness the dunks that I shall inflict upon this world!
Rolled 9>>29373237CHAOS DUNK
>>29373210Well. Earth doesn't explode, but it does split and crack. I think we're b-balling in hell now.
Rolled 14>>29373237OH NO YOU DON'T!Charles, toss me the rock!
Rolled 20>>29373290>>29373313YOU TWO HANDLE THE LICHNOMANCER, I'LL TAKE THE LORD OF SLAMS>>29373287GET READY, TOUGH GUY
>>29373369NOW THIS IS PODRACING
Rolled 12>>29373369Nice job, kid! Once me and Charles got the Lichnomancer down, we'll help you with this guy!
Rolled 13>>29373369OH FUCKI'M HELL 20 says you're dragged off by demons !
>>29373369>>29373418Good, but not good enough.
Rolled 8>>29373290>>29373313>>29373405NOOOOOooooooo...>The Lichnomancer's ancient bones clatter to the ground, the energy that once held them together failing against the combined B-Balling of Charles Barkley and Larry Bird
Rolled 3>>29373475JUST. ONE.MORE.SHOT.
Rolled 1>>29373418DON'T THINK I CAN LET YOU OFF THAT EASILY, BONEBAG
>>29373508A swing and a miss.Let me see what I can doo to help.
Rolled 14>>29373502>>29373508DID YOU THINK YOU WERE BETTER THAN ME, BRYANT?
Rolled 7>>29373502>>29373508Yes, even the greatest ballers drop the ball sometimes...
>>29373548And I can't into dice. Welp more lurking then.
Rolled 2>>29373508>>29373548>>29373556This is getting heavy...
Rolled 1>>29373598>>29373588>>29373556>>29373508AT LAST, THE WORLD IS MINE. WATCH OUT FOR MY 3 POINTER!
Rolled 11>>29373624YOU STILL HAVEN'T DEFEATED ME, IGNATIUS!
>>29373598>>29373508Larry, Kobe, don't you know?Only Charles Barkley can hope to defeat the Slammer of Jams.
Posting in epic/10 thread.
>>29373624I CAN'T HANDLE THIS ROLLS
Rolled 4>>29373624WIIIFFFFF!Man, you're really bad at this "Slam of the Fates" thing, aren't you?http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BLXJFEXBIZg
Rolled 4>>29373643Gah, a fumble. IMPS, TAKE IT DOWNTOWN
Rolled 16TODAY IS THE DAY WE RECLAIM THE EARTH
Rolled 16h-here I go senpai.Rolling to dunk
Rolled 17>>29373709Rolling to Deny!
Rolled 4>>29373709EVEN THE PERSONIFICATION OF DARKNESS ITSELF CAN'T MATCH MY POWER!
Rolled 14>>29373702>>29373709As you wish masta
my body was not ready for all these slams
Rolled 20>>29373732>>29373744WELP, HERE I GOROLLING FOR NEGATIVE B-BALL ANTI-PROTON COLLISION
Hey, yo, guys! Can I play? I got experience when it comes to being undead beings from other dimensions.
Please tell me somebody is capping this shit.
>>29373783N-No! The B-Ball apocalypse is upon us!
>>29373783Your ball is the ball that will pierce the heavens!
Rolled 1>>29373783...THIS POWER...IT CAN'T BE!I - I WAS DEFEATED?
>>29373809>>29373839>As the wind whistles through the fallen skull of the Lichnomancer, one could almost swear that he could be heard laughing derisively.YOU...got...ser...ved...
Rolled 2>>29373839TAKE THIS!Our love, our hate, AND ALL OF OUR SLAMS!!!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1UuEHmxG0UERUPTING!!!BURNING!!!JJJJJJJJAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMM!!!!
>>29373783Atasha wa sugoi desu~
Rolled 12>>29373804>>29373783POWER UNENDING!>>29373839IN THE END, IT HAD TO END THIS WAY
Rolled 16>>29373913NOT IF I CAN HELP IT
Rolled 1>>29373913Fuck my sides.From the 3 point line....
Rolled 6>>29373965You didn't see that.
Rolled 15>>29373913BARKLEY, DON'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE BECOME?THIS NEEDS TO STOP, WHILE THERE'S STILL SOMETHING LEFT
Rolled 10Long ago in a distant land, I, Aku, the shape-shifting Master of Hoops, unleashed an unspeakable evil! But a foolish Slamming warrior wielding a magic ball stepped forth to oppose me. Before the final jam was slammed, I tore open a portal in time and flung him into the future, where my court is law! Now the fool seeks to return to the past, and undo the future that is Aku!
The Chaos Dunk has been slammed, and everything has been changed.Our hero, Charles Barkley, has finally ended the long and horrible reign of the Lichnomancer and his dark lord, Innatius. Although there were many casualties along the way, Barkley now stands victorious on the court, surrounded by the bodies of his friends, and of his enemies. Kobe Bryant, Larry Bird, and Whiteagle have all given their lives to seal away the evil forever. They will be remembered as heroes for the rest of time!
Rolled 17>>29374091time to put things in overdrive, come at me Aku
Rolled 2>>29374091YOUR REIGN OF TERROR ENDS HERE
>>29374113>Meanwhile, on the B-Ball courts of hell...YOU GOT SERVED. LIKE A BITCH.
Rolled 11>>29374208IT IS NOT MY REIGN OF TERROR WHICH SHALL END WITH SLAMS LIKE THAT
Rolled 10>>29374250It's time you went down for good
Rolled 7>>29374091Yo, I'ma show you my Shaq-Fu, Aku!
>>29374113What happened to Barkley, you may ask? It's said he disappeared after the battle, ascending to the heavens by sheer might of his b-ballin' energies, becoming the one true GOD OF B-BALL. Others say he sleeps, deep within the earth, waiting for another villian to threaten the world.New evils have appeared, and new heroes rise to fight them on the Holy Court, where the world was saved.
Rolled 17>>29374278>>29374316You cannot stop my reign of 10's
Someone archive this event,
Rolled 15>>29374340I like where this is going.
Rolled 4>>29374340Even if I can't stop you I'm going to try anyway
Rolled 19I'VE COME BACK IN TIME TO FIGHT THIS EVIL WITH YOU GUYS
Rolled 18>>29374410BwahahahaIs this the best you can offer me, foolish warrior? You're already down
Hey guys, mind if we join this B-Ball showdown?
Rolled 15>>29374340Just watch me! Prepare yourself for my Shaquriken!
Rolled 12>>29374460forgot pic>>29374483BRING IT ON, AKU
Rolled 2>>29374474Balling fool! Your efforts are in vain yet again.I shall take pity on you and even lower my dice by 3
>>29374145hey, sorry, sauce?
>>29371661>>Five-hundred-and-one years ago, the dark Lichnomancernah, I'm done>hide
Rolled 5BOTH OF YOUYOUR GAME IS SO SHIT I CAN'T EVEN JUDGE ITWATCH AND LEARN YOU BONEHEADS
Rolled 7>>29374499That was a big mistake, Aku! Time to show off what I can really do!
>>29374511Redline, It's basically going fast the movie
Rolled 9>>29374531Oh, and why is that?
Rolled 1All your slam are belong to jam
Rolled 9>>29374561I don't think so, Jive turkeyhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zq79iVVwJ1A
Rolled 3I tire of thisWATCH AS I, AKU, SHAPESHIFTING LORD OF DARKNESS SLAM THIS BALL INTO THAT HOOP
Rolled 19>>29374605That's just pathetic.Sweet Clyde, laugh derisively at him.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BaOvM9jXKg
So, let me get this thread straight real quick.Charles Barkley, Kobe Bryant, Larry Bird, and Whiteagle took out the Lichomancer and Innatius.And now the Harlem Globetrotters are hooping all over Aku?Never change, /tg/
Rolled 14>>29374605not so fast Aku, with this it's all over
>>29374647And Bill Laimbeer came back from the future.He's around here somewhere.
>>29374643>>29374648Let's see you foolish ballers do better.Dunk this ball, if you're so great
Rolled 6>>29374669No problem, turkey
>>29373883And that, children, is the story of how the angel Charles Barkley banished all evil from our world. Kobe... Larry... many other great angels were lost that day in the final battle against Ignatius and the Order of the Hoop, and when you say your prayers, always remember them.Time for bed. Goodnight, children.
Rolled 1>>29374723Oh no, it looks like the pole is moving on its ownWhat a shame I think you're going to miss
Rolled 15>>29374723well looks like the globetrotters dropped the ball, it's all up to me>>29374669slam this
Rolled 15>>29374742even at our worst, we are still better than you
Rolled 16>>29374742Don't worry, guys. It's time for me to finish this!
Rolled 1>>29374773That's it, you young 'uns! I can't sit by and watch you lose! Pass me the rock so I can knock this turkey!>>29374742Nice move, squirt. I think I'll break in my new hip with a dunk!
Rolled 6>>29374884who let grandpa out of the home again?
Rolled 10>>29374884OH! MY HIP!That's alright, I've got the ball... let's do that again!
Rolled 19Alright, you shmucks managed to defeat our bench. HERE COME THE MONSTARS
Rolled 7>>29374936Not so fast, young 'un!Three pointer, right in yer kiester!
Rolled 5>>29375026>>29374936Stand aside, Old man, and let us do our thing
ITT: /tg/ makes an immortal thread, then some nobody's don't know when to stop and cap the damned thing.
Rolled 8Gentlemen.It's time.
Rolled 17ROLL TO BEGIN FINAL SLAM PHASE: CHAOS TRIPLE-BACKWARDS REVERSE 3-POINTER LAYUP SLAM POWER DUNK
Is everyone still here? I've made the image.
>>29376096>the background isn't thisfor shame
>>29376096That was great, the die gods truly blessed our slam champions
>>29376096well donea day to remember
Rolled 19>I, Malophet the Optimized Wizard, shall show you all how to optimize the slam.
>>29376096>My picture is in that screencapI can die happy.
>>29376555It's over manlet us just bask in the afterglow
This needs to be a movie
>>29380056GO shop Space Jam scenes together with some bad MS painting.