There was once a [Insert character here]((Roll 1d100. Highest will be picked.))
Rolled 89An infamous Rogue Trader.
Rolled 26A deviant Techpriest
particularly curious Grot.
Rolled 68Highly unstable psyker.
Rolled 5, 5 = 10Joe Average, an imperial citizen
Rolled 53Black and white space marine
Rolled 22>>28338052Whoops, rerollan
Rolled 50Marine from Colchis...
Rolled 58A loli rogue trader.
Rolled 70>>28338053The machine-spirit of a black and white bike
Rolled 34>>28337991who was a felinid
Rolled 47Primarch named Teegee.
Rolled 94>>28338199damn screwed up
>>28337991There was once a Rogue Trader Family from the days of the Great Crusade. The family owed their allegiance to the Emperors Children's Primach for their seal of approval. However after the events of the heresy unfolded the family's power declined as their contract with the Phoenician caused their downfall and suspicion. Now all that is left is the remains of a great Rogue Trader Fleet. The current head of the family is the last of the family. Commanding dozens of ships, and suspicion draped all over the head of the family. Forced to leave Imperial Space because of a small incident with another Rogue Trader family, what shall the head do?((Roll 1d100 for the character I.E Gender, Name, Age, blah blah. Same Roll will be chosen for the next Scene))
>>28338215the dark gods are with me
Rolled 10>>28338217if we keep thishermaphroditeTeegius the greatOld enough
Rolled 85>>28338217'Longshot' Sally Cartwright, a Fifteen year old girl who claims to out-drink Spess Wolves and COULD out-shoot a Vindicare.She sails for Ork space. She thinks that if she's the meanist, she's the Boss.
>>28338260I would be mad, but this is better than my idea
OP here. Do note that I will wait for 5-10 mins for next decision. Unless its a 99 or 100 then I will immediately start.
>>28338272Don't bother, it's not getting better than >>28338260
>>28338260Upon the command throne of the Cartwright Fleet was once a brooding Rogue Trader, now upon it was his granddaughter and the last of the Cartwrights. Leading the fleet for a good 3 weeks she has managed to not improve much of her family's reputation. Ignoring the teachings of her parents and grandparents, she believes that the Cartwrights could only regain their ancient glory by destroying the enemies of man. As her fleet arrives in a dreaded ork space, she thinks she can purge the orks to receive some glory. Though no one in the ship will admit, they think the plan is horribly childish and suicidal. ((Roll 1d100 to determine Sally's next decision.))
Rolled 97>>28338400Trick Warboss into attacking another Group of Xenos.Tau or Nids, whichever is closer.
>>28338461>>28338400>>28338260Clearly the Boldest plans are the best plans.I just noticed this thread, and I already love our insane little RT.
>>28338461As Sally think's her plan through she got the idea that she could get more fame if she convinced the orks to fight the Tau. It was like shooting 3 target dummies with one blast from a meltagun she thought. Asking the admiral and some of the senior members what to do, she told them they were taking the idea in a wrong direction. She told them that to defeat orks one must have a bigger gun, or a deal that the orks could not refuse. She had both of those things. She went with the latter. After a few explosions here and there, Sally managed to convince the Warboss that the Tau were hoarding major loot. Using as many simple adjectives like bigger, shootier, choppier, and greener, the orks were sold. She wasn't called "Longshot" Sally for no reason.((Roll 1d100 for the next event))
>>28338606Are we picking the next event or just rolling for success?
Rolled 95>>28338606Sally encountered leman russ, as horo
>>28338606Sally encountered Tlaloc Ekans.
>>28338637>>28338606I....Damn. I was gonna keep the whole insane plans thing going, but this is either going to kill the thread or take it in a completely different direction.
>>28338655>>28338671The emperor wills it
Rolled 75>>28338606Sally Went Tyranid Sport Hunting.Bagged a Carnifex, had it stuffed and mounted.
>>28338637Just when I need it, I can't find my stash of Lawrence facepalm pics. Have this instead
>>28338637ON THE ONE HAND, I HATE YOU.ON THE OTHER, WE KINDA DESERVE THIS FOR EVEN THINKING WE COULD CONCEIVABLY DRINK A SPACE-WOLF UNDER THE TABLE.Hopefully our little Hellion will learn something about humility. Or something.
>>28338671Don't fight it. Let the warp overtake you. It is a good pain.
>>28338709this was the best decision I ever had
>>28338709She will probably learn something about serious liver damage.
>>28338637With the Orks flying off with their hap hazard ships, Sally decided to do the classic Rogue Trader past time. Hunting and Exploring.After landing on the planet with her personal bodyguards, servants, and a platoon of a PDF she got on some industrial world she learnt that the world was inhabited with the infamous beastmen. Abhumans that had varied features of certain animals.Her grandfather once told her of a story he had long ago as well as a saying, "If there's one thing I know best it is a human body! And if it don't look human, it ain't human. So kill it. Have fun." From there Sally told the PDF that they required some live fire "target" practice just in case.She would name this planet after her grandfather. ((Roll 1d100))
>>28338733She's an RT.She can just have a new one cloned or something.
Rolled 7>>28338743>>28338743just rolling? I am slightly afraid
Rolled 44>>28338743Not sure if angry.
>>28338753and now I am very afraid, we gonna get take home
Rolled 41>>28338743AH SHIT
>>28338769>>28338760Pooooor little RT loli
Rolled 87>>28338792NEVER GIVE UP HOPE.
>>28338808Wipe that damn smile off your faceits still a fucking primarch, he may be trapped in a female form, but these fuckers are like slaanesh's dick, hard as fuck (to kill)
>>28338815Uh.... I was kinda hoping we WOULDN'T kill Russ/Horo.I just don't want our little Longshot to die.
>>28338844Lookif a 87 kills russ, I am leaving this fucking questRUSS IS A GODAMN PRIMARCH NO MATTER HIS OR HER FORM
>>28338808After taking a few potshots here and there, Sally's large almost maniacal grin faded as a near dying female abhuman crawled up to her begging for mercy. Sally could see the dying light in her eyes and almost felt a tang of sadness before the dying female was quickly dragged and shot by her personal guards. A random thought of the Space Wolves appeared in her head and gave her an idea. After the quick cull she ordered dropships to come down with alcohol for the landing party after a successful job at wiping out nearly all of the abhumans. At least the loyalty of the PDF was easily maintained with alcohol. She gave her thanks to the Primach and Imperial Saint Leman Russ Father of the Wolves and Hunter of the Traitor Sorcerer King for this a great hunt.((Roll 1d100 for the next day))
Rolled 23>>28338875I just want you to know, if that was russ, I am wishing a large black man down upon you
>>28338875Ya know, if you don't want to go somewhere you can just say it, and not instead choose to write a subtle 'fuck you' to everyone involved.
>>28338892OP here. Russ is still kicking ass. Somewhere.
>>28338923GOOD, I want to punch the wolf wolf lord in the cunt, before engaging in HEARTY DRINKING AND CELEBRATION with him
>>28338946I realize I came off as hostile there, I just wish you to know I was not attempting to be
>>28338956>>28338956is no one else going to roll?
Rolled 72>>28338985Like, a number, or for an event?
>>28338985Not really feeling it now. I was hoping for grand times with Horo Russ. Only sadness remains.
>>28338996In that case, mine >>28338991 is for Tyranid Sport Hunting.
>>28339012Honestly, yeah.I mean, I thought it was kinda retarded, but it won the roll without any sort of ruling against it.The magic kinda feels gone now.
>>28339012>>28339012>>28339015Tyranid sport hunting.....with horo russ
Rolled 92>>28339042If I'm completely honest, I would have a hard time thinking of Russ (either form) doing something as a Vacation Activity that wasn't suitably insane.Even when he wasn't really felling the whole 'insane badass space-viking' thing, he did it anyway.
>>28339064Alright, this thread started with making the RT an insane Loli, went into tricking the Orks into destroying the Tau, and then had the Roll win for meeting a Female Primarch.And now Sport Hunting Tyranids with Leman Russ gets a 92.Clearly, we are meant to embrace the insane awesome-fun side of 40k here.
>>28339115Sorry, was watching The Godfather 2
>>28339120Well, you see them 92
>>28339064>>28339042>>28339015A few day's later, Sally was relaxing in her flagship after the whole event. Drinking, killing, and such caused a bit of tiredness on the young girl's back. A loud klaxon rang through the flag ship and fleet as one ship reports a small tyranid infestation on one of the nearby worlds. Seeing this as another opportunity for fame, she gathered and rallied her fleet and soldiers for another purge.With the Great Leman Russ on her mind she felt it was appropriate to bring in the Leman Russ Tanks. One of which has a large statue of Leman Russ himself on it as tribute to the great Primach. Unfortunately her ancestor didn't had much of an imagination and named the Leman Russ tank Leman Russ. After watching a few stories with commissars commanding from the largest tanks she thought it suitable for her to lead from the Leman Russ. A quick swig of alcohol, a check on her favourite hellgun, and Leman Russ behind her, she could take on the whole tyranid threat.
>>28339197>>28339197I'll get you qm, just you fucking watch
>>28339197Despite the large rumble of tank engines, Sally managed to shout her orders around to her soldiers, most of which were asking them to kill the largest Tyranid and get it's carcass as a trophy.Blasting left and right, the Leman Russ tank Leman Russ hull mounted flamer and plasma cannon sponsons wreaked havoc as it slowly advanced. Laughing from the pure anarchy, her soldiers continued to slowly overwhelm the tyranids with their weapons. And they told her that investing in nothing but hellguns was a horrible idea. ((Roll 1d100 for her trophy and next event))
>>28339197The first I let slide, but this is too much. You play a dangerous game here. One does not defy the dice gods so easily and get away scot-free. Think of your future, man.
Rolled 100>>28339264We blow up the OPs House.
Rolled 2>>28339264Lictor mouth tentacles.And we get attacked by freebootas
Rolled 29>>28339264>>28339264The head of the jeanstealer AND leamn russ the primarch as a godamn wolf girl
>>28339283>>28339197>>28339264You were warned OP.You were warned.
>>28339283YOU SHOULD HAVE LISTENEDYOU SHOULD HAVE LISTENED
Rolled 53>>28339264A majestic Ork-made statue is her prize. For event, running across a nearby Forge-world. Oops, should have checked those maps!
>>28339283I warned you about dice gods, bro. I warned you.
>>28339283>>28339064>>28338461>>28338260Alright, that's game for me.I need to leave before I burn through all my good luck for rolling awesome things.
>>28339323I feel as if we should save this Dice god smiting as a reminder to not fuck with their plans
>>28339283And with this, the thread goes from 'mildly entertaining' to 'fucking fantastic'.
>>28339336I agree. We can't keep letting people go about ignorantly like this. Think of the housing market.
>>28339351Its for the good of the economy
>>28339322>>28339283After the last pop, crackle, snap of burning tyranids and as the tyranid infestation decays evidence of an ork outpost was visible. Sally smiled as she saw in the midst of the decaying material was a great statue. The orks were a brutish and idiotic kind she could not help but appreciate the beauty and complexity of the Ork craft. It reminded her of the simple joys of life, especially the day she blew up an authors house.As the spoils of war was loaded onto the fleet, she was told that her war supplies were running low. Thinking it over she decided to visit the nearest forge world. She couldn't get fame if she couldn't destroy things!((Roll 1d100 for what will Sally do to the Forge World I.E visit it or whatever))
Rolled 71>>28339439All the primarch in the house, WITHE DJ GOLDEN BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY (emperor)
Rolled 85>>28339439Befriends an important Magos.
>>28339493I wish a horde of blackmen down upon you and your family
Rolled 84>>28339439Beat a Farseer at blackjack.
>>28339439YOU CRAZY FUCK. YOU'RE GOING TO KILL IS ALL. THE DICE GODS AREN'T JUST OUT FOR BLOOD NOW, DAMN IT, THEY WANT FUCKING EQUITY.
>>28339504Dude, he's been dodging like a mad-cunt over here.You're getting angry over something that would never happen anyway, because the OP is being a dick.
>>28339524Next post is in all caps and accompanied by a picture of a severed head of a fa/tg/uy
>>28339539>>28339539Which takes away the fun from it
>>28339493As Sally managed to "bargain" her war supplies from the forgeworld, she was invited with a tour around the main manufactorums of the world. The Magos that was hosting her continued to talk about the forge world's greatness through the monotonous and awful voice. When the Magos asked if there was anything else she needed, she replied with a big grin and an offer of partnership. With the Magos's interest piqued, the Magos wondered as to why the little Rogue Trader wanted such a partnership. After a few hours of convincing and dealings, they shook hands and agreed to help one another. ((A new member has appeared. Same as before. Roll 1d100 for the Magos's Gender, Age, Specialty and blah blah. Also for the next event))
Rolled 99>>28339662Omni10xeno tech
>we could have had adventures with Russ in his true form>we could have laughed and drank super spess booze around spit-roasted gaunts>hell, knowing /tg/, we could've been at drunken lesbian sex after one tipsy dare too many by now>instead, OP was a cunt and got his house asploded by dice godsThere's a powerful lesson here, gents.
>>28339662I->>28339681Son of a bitch.
Rolled 93>>28339662Gender: No-one knows. No-one will ever know.Age: 3871 (claims they're only 3700 though, as if anyone would buy that)Specialty: Inter-species diplomacy. What, you meant power-wise? None. Zero.
>>28339686Don'tFuckWITH THE DICE GODS WHIMS
>>28339686...OP hates lesbians and/or Leman Russ?
>>28339681You have no one to blame but yourself, OP. When you're staring into that cheap piss can you try to call a drink, you will remember this.
>>28339723>>28339718Honestly, we need to save this somehow, this is this is fucking golden
>>28339681As tradition dictates a Cartwright must invite their new partners for a dinner. Of course Sally thought it was completely absurd for a Magos to be at a dinner for she believed they only ran on whatever the machines ran on. Chatting briefly with the Magos Sally learned that he or she (the magos wasn't really clear on the pronouns) was a young tank bred human implanted with the memories of a previous Magos, which explained a lot for Sally. Some what. What really interested her was the Magos's interest with Xenos Technology. Sally knows that this is her winning ticket.
>>28339832Oh why are you still trying to make this serious?
Archive this so that future generations will learn from OPs foolishness.
>>28339832Sally told her tall tales (which she insisted were actually true) to the Magos who at the time seemed really engrossed with the stories although she couldn't tell from the cold machine eyes.After bragging about out drinking one of the Space Wolves she asked the Magos what fabled Xenos tech would garner the most fame.((roll 1d100 for whatever Xenos tech and hullabullo)
>>28339858I blame John Donne and lack of sleep.
Rolled 51>>28339894Mechanized Brundlepenises http://1d4chan.org/wiki/Brundlepenis
Rolled 37>>28339894A robotic copy of Leman Russ himself.
What's it like, OP? Setting the world on fire, just to watch it burn?
>>28339931What you rolling for
Rolled 86>>28339894Wraithbone Dildos.
Rolled 8>>28339894The fabled Necron Star Destroyer PA System, fuelled by the power of the DJ C'tan
>>28339863>>28339863Any ideas for the description?
>>28339952There is nothing but the laughter of the dicegods
>>28339970I already archived it
>>28339970Link me to my finest work please. So I can tell my kids I procrastinated.>>28339949Warm.
Rolled 75>>28339894Tell Sally the secrets of Eldar make-up.
>>28340013http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/28337976/Here it is
>>28340022You cannot save it dear anon
>>28340069I will. I have the power.
>>28339952Sally heard many tales about the Eldar but the tale of the Great Vibro-Destroyer interested her the most as the Magos continued on and on talking about it. She described how strong, prominent and great the Xenos Tech was and that was more than enough for the young Rogue Trader to rouse her fleet and set course for the Great Vibro-Destroyer.((you know the deal Roll 1d100 for the next shamwoo))
>>28340079THE DICE GODS HAVE GIVEN ME POWERS BEYOND YOUR MORTAL IMAGININGS
Rolled 23>>28340088>>28340088>Great vibro destroyOh my god my sidesthe xenos race known only as brundlepenises board the ship
Rolled 58>>28340088On the way they run into a group of Dark Eldar who want to steal it. Hijinks ensue.
Rolled 97>>28340088Sally gets a squad of Catgirl Cheerleaders and replaces her command chair with a tricked-out Cadillac.
Rolled 43>>28340088Russ appears and glare scornfully at you before dissapearing
>>28340114AHHAHAHAHAHAA, somewhere femruss is laughing her ass off while the dice gods laughs shatter the veil of sanity
>>28340114OP, if you misinterpret this, I will kill you.This is noit metaphor, I will find and kill.
>>28340114>S! A! L-L-Y! Won't you pimp your badass ride!
>mfw this thread
>>28340215We tried bro.We tried as hard as we could.Rolled dice and everything.
>>28340234>>28340215For /tg/ that's an almost heroic effort.
>>28340114>>28340152Since traveling through the warp is a long and almost boring, Sally started something to boost her already outrageous Longshot ego. She did something none of her ancestors has ever done. Finding use of her Abhuman slaves besides using them as slaves she picked out the abhumans with feline qualities. Especially those with feline ears. Teaching them basic Imperial, Sally managed to make her own Cheer Squad. Like her personal guards they followed her around chanting her name with excitement and gusto. The quest for the Great Vibro Destroyer is looking bright. After asking the Magos on how to increase the greatness of her command throne the Magos told her of an ancient Terran machine that was known to pick up potential lovers. At first Sally found no interest but when she first saw the design, Sally had her best servants and tech priests to manufacture and create the greatest throne in the Imperium (second to the Emperor's of course). An ancient cadillac styled command throne. With her cheer squad on the back seat with her and the admiral on the drivers seat, Sally said "Hit it."
>>28340266You poor bastard. The dice gods have taken everything and still you press on.
>>28340266Sally needs a cigar to smoke while doing this.
>>28340426Maybe he will be rewarded for his perseverance.Let us hope.
>>28340429Oh sorry, God Father 3 now,
>>28340266>>28340430The Admiral nodded and pressed the button that controlled the command's throne hydraulics. With the Cartwright fleet appearing through the Warp jump, the fabled Great Vibro Destroyer was almost in Sally's grasp. With her Abhuman Cheer squad cheering for her, Sally felt like it was time for a lhostick. The good kind of lhosticks. ((roll 1d100 for the next shindig))
Rolled 28>>28340519Beat a Farseer at Chess.Win a translation, because seriously, this map we're following makes no sense.I think it's written in Farsi. Or Elvish.
Rolled 97>>28340552>>28340519Not Crazy enough.We challenge them to Quantum Chess.
Rolled 4>>28340519Challenge whoever owns/guards the Vibro Destroyer to a poker game for control over it, and they accept.
Rolled 14>>28340519Just end it. This is painful to watch. Please, dice gods, have mercy on this broken anon.
Rolled 11>>28340519Find an STC Library
>>28340570Hope Sally knows the rules to quantum chess...
>>28340596Of Course, the real secret isn't what you play....it's WHEN.Probably.
>>28340584I'm still enjoying this anon.
>>28340570After a few hours of navigating and searching through the system, Sally was too busy drinking with her cheer squad and having all sorts of fun on the back of the command cadillac. As her fleet moves near to the planet with the Great Vibro Destroyer, the flag ship was hailed by an Eldar Armada. The Farseer and Autarch in charge of the Armada warned the Cartwright to leave their Maiden World or face the wrath of Vaul's Machines. Sticking the finger to the Eldar, Sally challenged them to something that would not end in blood. Laughing at her and antics, the Farseer decided to humour her and challenge her to a game of Quantum Chess. The odds of her winning was of course a long shot. Never the less, Sally accepted it.Landing on the planet with her cheer squad, personal and the Magos, the game was set. The Farseer held her head high with the knowledge that she would this game. Sally was the one who would never back down from a fight sat down and waited. Cheer squad cheering quietly behind her, the farseer allowed Sally the first move. Of course this being Quantum Chess, the process and outcome was incredibly random and impossible to understand, Sally simply blasted the Farseer and her retinue down with Hellgun fire. ((Roll 1d100 for bleet bleet bleet))
Rolled 69>>28340834>>28340834HERE COME THE BRUNDLEPENISES
Rolled 44>>28340834Encounter a Space Hulk.
Rolled 31>>28340834The French built a Castle around it.
Rolled 8>>28340834What the Farseer didn't know was that Sally really didn't know how to play all along, which in quantum chess gives her a huge advantage!Also she cheats and wins.
Rolled 68>>28340834Longshot Sally makes the Longest shot: she finds an intact STC
Rolled 58>>28340834Russ already has the GVB, unfortunately lacks spaceship.Terms or transport highly negotiable.
Only boring replies means the dice-gods fail to give any shits it seems.
Rolled 43>>28341090Then clearly we surf the Caddy to the surface.
>>28340848As the Farseer's lifeblood slowly drains away, she gave her final warning with her last breath. Firing a few more shots into her head, Sally wondered what she could possibly meant by that. Looking up she saw the heavens alight with her fleet combating the Eldar Armada. Smiling knowing that she will triumph she sets off to search for the Great Vibro Destroyer. However she was interrupted by a deep grumble at the distance. Her personal guards and cheer squad surrounding her, they were ambushed by phallic looking creatures that walked on two feet. They moved in fast, ramming any unaware soldiers and pounding them to the ground in a red paste. Shouting her order to attack, her soldiers fired their hellguns onto the oncoming creatures. The Magos distracted with his/her thoughts realised that these creatures were the Great Vibro Destroyers this whole time. ((Rolld 1d100 for the last stuff cause I need to sleep))
Rolled 46>>28341157Face a daemon prince in a fiddle contest.
Rolled 91>>28341157Sally befriended Khorne after this display of violence.
>>28341039Here I thought the Dice Gods were against me. You wanted for Russ, you got Brundlepenises. Good job.
>>28341203Well this is certainly heresy.jpg
>>28341357Let's go do heresy, Khorne-oniichan!
>>28341203((Alright Last one cause I got to sleep. Also to the guy who rolled a one for Russ with the GVD, I laughed))The white blood of the foul creatures started to pool and Sally was sighed as she finally survived the whole ordeal. All around her, the soldiers started to grow more and more violent as they resorted to bashing the dead creatures with their hell guns. Witnessing this Sally could not help but giggle at the mindless carnage, almost enjoying it to the point she joined in with the insults to injury. Her soldiers gave shouts of pride as they got more and more violent on the dead bodies, their armour slowly being covered with the blood and viscera of the dead. There was a whisper at the back of every soldier's head that slowly turned into a chant. Sally continued to giggle and laugh as she was surrounded by her men, who were on their knees chanting to a dark god. The pools of blood rippled with the great voice of the Blood God himself. His voice was audible to all, even those inside the ship. Sally's cheer squad picked her up and daubed her with the blood of the dead and chanted louder as the Blood God congratulated her. With the acquisition of a new servant, Khorne took gave Sally a dark blessing. Her laughter turned into grunts as she writhed in pain as Khorne gave her a considerable boon. Her Hellgun now powered with the energies of the Warp, the blood on her armour slowly hardening into a demonic plates of brass, and her face tattooed with the Mark of Khorne. "Blood for the Blood," she said. "Skulls for the Skull throne!" her soldiers yelled.Sally Cartwright no longer exists. Sally the Blood God's Warpath now exists. Sitting on her tricked out and hydraulic powered Command Throne, she sets course for the nearest imperial system to serve her new master.
>>28341660AWESOME. Thank you, based anon. This was a very fun one-shot. Good night and sweet dreams with loli Khorne Berzerkers.
>>28341660what did just happen
>>28341796OP was a faggot for several hours, and chose only to honor the rolls they liked.Invalidating the entire point of rolling for anything, ever.
>>28341796The result of my Procrastination. >>28341732Stop going against the Consensus!
>>28341891If you weren't an asshole, this could've been pretty fun.
>>28341660Well that went well.