previous:http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive.html?tags=Washed%20up%20villain%20questpaste bin:http://pastebin.com/a8kFtx4QNine years, it has been nine years since you've come to this thrice damned place called the mainland, away from the beautiful forests of witchwood island and the permanently grey skies. Those nine years have been filled with training and learning, mostly ways to tear men apart with you bare hands like the image of a balverine upon your chest. (And you still have let to burn it to the ground). Well that's Weak twigs job voice in my head, you think to yourself as you swig your morning booze and stare at the ceiling, waiting for the guild to come alive. though it feels like you're forgetting something important, something vital.(It's graduation day, you've been asking me to remind you, FOR SIX ME DAMNED MONTHS). Oh that's right, you're becoming a real hero today, how exciting. You briefly try to make sense of the scorch marks that cover your dorm, and a good deal of your clothing, but quickly give up learning any secrets they may hold. You swallow down the piss poor alcohol and toss the bottle into a corner filled with shattered glass. You get dressed and put of your best boots, one's twig bought you after seeing you chase down a deer to replace the previous pair. You smell the seductive scent of fresh blueberry pie, eggs, and pig flesh on the wind. You open your door, and breath in the fresh morning air that you've learned to both hate and lovewhat do you do Find twig Get breakfast go for a morning swim try and learn that spell that twig said would suit you, despite being shit at will roll1d100Find that Fritz Boy and throw him at something othersorry for flaking out on sunday, also I will be playing DnD at some point while running this.
Rolled 86 try and learn that spell that twig said would suit you, despite being shit at will roll1d100
>>28125788That's a pretty good roll
Rolled 83>>28125732> try and learn that spell that twig said would suit you, despite being shit at will roll1d100
>>28125882want me just to call it now?
>>28125732 Find twigFind fellow psychotic waifu.
Rolled 58 try and learn that spell that twig said would suit you, despite being shit at will roll1d100
>>28125948That is one of the most glorious things I have ever seen
>>28125972You flatter me and my work.
>>28125732> Find Twig> Pick Twig up> Go for brisk morning swimShe should be used to us by now, right?
>>28125788You decide to try to learn the spell twig had told you about, a spell only evil heroes where supposed to be able to master, however you don't believe in such petty things as morality or the like, so it should be no problem to one such as yourself. You walk jog down the stone stairs, run through the rose bushes, hearing sobbing as you do, stare at the armory with an expression similar to lust as you make your way to the learning well...thingy...you have no idea how it works but you'll be damned if you didn't like they way it looks. You leap into and see a menu thingy appear before your eyes, you think the words, Berserk. And an image of an eye appears before you. You reach out to it, and feel a burning pain shoot through your body. When you come too you are screaming at the gardener shoving roses into his mouth as he begs and cries for mercy. ability gained: Berserk (Lose yourself to the rage of the beast within)what do you do continue what you're doing see if you hurt anyone important, like twig for example I HUNGER FOR PIE AND PIG MEAT Talk to someone swim other
>>28125732Learn spellCAPTAIN REPORTING IN!
>>28126079>>28126079it has been nine years, so yes
>>28126091> see if you hurt anyone important, like twig for exampleI hope we didn't break our favorite se...I meant friend.
>>28126125That is what twig hears early in the morning, yes
>>28126010I love it>>28126104Good to see you're still around
>>28126130Oh, for some reason after last thread I got it into my head that at some point Twig just started having carrying harnesses built into her dresses (with handles in the back disguised by large, floppy bows) so we'd stop destroying her clothing every other day while lugging her around. This quest does odd things in my head...
>>28126130>>28126130What?Do we whisper it softly to her ear to wake her up or do we barge into her room shouting it while probably holding a dead animal?
>>28126187Well I did just imagine twig in a baby carrier when you said carrying harnesses, so yeah I can see what you mean by odd things.
>>28126091>plant gardener in place of destroyed rose bush (feet first so he can still scream for mercy)> get FOOD>Get Twig>Go for refreshing swim!
>>28126253Oh boy. I am surprised she didn't off herself or ran away from the hero guild.She truly has the will of a god. Who care? We got the strength and endurance of Bethany.By the way, is the original Bethany still alive?
>>28126315Somewhere in the void lurks an the soul survivor of a dead world, driven mad by loneliness
>>28126221I see nothing wrong with this plan.
>>28126351also I can't work with two votes
>>28126338Aww poor mister Fritz. We need to find him and fix him, he doesn't deserve that after serving us well. All things considered the fact that he served us well at all suggests he deserves a break.
>>28126351What is the threat level of unleashing him upon the world? In one-punch man threat levels.
>>28126364Make sure we didn't break any one important like twig or the chef. Is there anyone else important?
>>28126221I second this course of action.
>>28126381He/she is the cliche dark lord kind of villain, sees itself as a god. So if it meets NO.3 Dastardly, shit will go down, hard, and fast
>>28126378But he's redheaded and thus doesn't deserve a break.>>28126221Lets go with this.>>28126418What about Dastardly?
>>28126397Thunder, can't have drinking contests if he's dead, weaver, guild needs a master. >>28126398You brush the dirt from your hands, leaving the gardner to scream "I'M NOT A ROOOOOSE BUSH" as you leave to have breakfast. You soon find Astraia Grey, also known as weak twig, reading a book while picking at a bit of toasted bread covered in smashed fruit. You grab a truly awe inspiring amount of food, and sit down near her, already tearing into it like a starved animal."Hello Gunther" she says not looking up from her book. (Don't speak with your mouth full or I'll give you nightmares)"I LOVE NIGHTMARES" You shout out in anger."Voice?" She asks"Voice" You respond eating half an apple in one bite. (you can't even try to keep me secret).Soon, you finish eating, leaving a mess similar to a hobbe's cave."Twig want to go for a swim?" You ask as you rip your shirt off. She stares at you for a moment that seems to last for a good long while before replying "Maybe later". You walk out of the dining hall saddened, but quickly break into a sprint so you can make a good old leap into the lake. You soar through the air and hit the water with a splash that would make levithans feel impotent. You swim around for an hour or two before getting bored of waiting for twigwhat do you do Train wait for the tests talk to someone get a shirt other
>>28126427All cliches of villainy rolled into one eldritch horror, with a gooey center
>>28126542>[X] get a shirtSteal it from someone
>>28126542> TrainBy> get a shirtUsing excessive force.
>>28126542> Train get a shirt never!
>>28126561Could we steal a shard of him and forge it into the greatest villain weapon ever conceived?Alternatively, ask him to "bless" us?
>>28126653>>28126653Maybe, its pretty fucking dead
>>28126542[X] Train[X] Get a shirt so we can tear it off again when the time is right.Also, this quest must have done something to me because when I saw "Train" I had to stop and think about if that meant training or choo choo train.
>>28126681How did that ever stop us from *anything*?
> Get a shirtSo that we might later rip it off.> Talk to someoneSee what Fitz and Staff-Chick are upto.
>>28126689You grab a smaller hero, tearing off his stupid white shirt thing, it barley fits you and looks like its about to tear apart, but it works. You decide to train but what will you train with YOUR FISTS cleaver sword (long , katana or great)axe (normal or great) mace (normal or great) Pickhammergreat hammer
>>28126759>otherWield a smaller hero.
>>28126759What does the walking stick-axe count as?
>>28126759[X] Great Axe.Because it is the knothole glade way.
>>28126759Did we ever get that appropriately sizes cane axe?
>>28126759 YOUR FISTScan't we get plate gantlets with spikes?
>>28126816a long normal axe or a fancy great axe. Currently all that's on hand is iron, as the heroes guild does not trust hero trainees with anything else
>>28126837Can you afford that with 100 gold?
>>28126856>>28126856Welp, Great axe it is!
>>28126856Great axe all the way then.>>28126759
>>28126856Could we at least get cold iron to deal with fey (who probably hate us) or cused iron (I just like how it sounds) ?
>>28126902Legendary weapon, sure. via custom demon door or something, like bathing it in the blood of a lot of people
>>28126759Grab the most unreasonably large hunk of metal we can find. I mean like Dragonslayer tier, more chunk of rock than real weapon.
>>28126759Spearbecause everything else is kinda generic
>>28126759>two great axe one each hand
>>28126889The great axe, You run over to the armory and grab a axe almost as large as yourself, it looks untouched. You jog back to the wooden men and begin hacking away at them, each blow echoing through the morning. You break one in half and begin beating it, leaving a pile of splinters as you quickly back hand another, shattering the base before bringing the blade of the axe crashing down upon it sack head. You start to spin around, barley holding onto the great weapon as it feels most of the practice dummies and small trees around you.it is then when you notice someone is taking potshots at you with a bow and arrowwhat do you do Throw your axe in your attackers general direction rol1d100 take one in the chest and stare him down roll1d100 TWIIIIIIIIIIIIIG other
>>28126980Nonsense! Spears and polearms do not exists in the fable universe! Same thing in the modern elder's scrolls universe and dragon age universe too for that matter.
>>28126980Isn't Thunder's daughter already a spear user though? Wonpukdnt want to copy someone else's schtick.
>>28126980>spear>not genericThat aside spears do not exist in fable.
Rolled 98>>28127024>Isn't Thunder's daughter already a spear user though? Wonpukdnt want to copy someone else's schtick.Whisper is his sister.>>28127020 Throw your axe in your attackers general direction rol1d100FLY IRON AXE! SOAR LIKE A BUTTERFLY MADE OF IRON!
Rolled 56>>28127020> Throw your axe in your attackers general direction rol1d100then charge them
Rolled 13>>28127020[X] take one in the chest and stare him down roll1d100Who dares take a shot at I!
Rolled 47>>28127020> Throw your axe in your attackers general direction rol1d100Even if he dodges, we should be able to close in behind it and pick him out of the desbris.
>>28127050Think we killed Fitz?
>>28127097Only if he forgot to keep a life potion on himself.I expect him to not forget anymore after the cat incident.
>>28127050You grab the handle with both hands and lift it above your head, and with a bellow of rage unheard in these lands since dragons flew, you swing it down, letting go mid swing, sending the massive axe flying like your murderous fury given form. You heard a deafening crash and a blood curdling scream. You open your eyes and see Greggory Fritz nursing the bloody stump that used to be his arm.(Well at least he fears you now). You stare with a confused look on your face as your brain tries to figure out if what just happened isn't a dream and how to hell you're going to fix thiswhat do you do Help him insult him and leave him to crawl to the guild master Find his arm and try to reattach it  other
>>28127212> Find his arm and try to reattach itWe may have to lecture him on bow safety first while using said arm to point at him.
>>28127254That sounds hilarious.
>>28127212I dont know how fable healing magic works. Do we just hold his arm to the stump and pour health potions on it?
>>28127212>[X] Find his arm and try to reattach itThis should be good.
>>28127254like never shooting at things you don't plan on killing.
>>28127212Mourn loss of axe
>>28127320especially when said thing murdered a balverine at age ten
>>28127254This. Then carry both him and his arm to the guild master before he dies of blood loss.
>>28127339Ok, I have to ask. Has this happened before? Because over the course of nine years of training in proximity to Gunther I would expect something like this to happen every other week or so.
>>28127382At this rate it would be more efficient to train Gunther in healing so that he could be the first responder when he causes involuntary carnage.
>>28127431Or just carry a first aid kit (Twig) at all times in our backpack.
>>28127346You ignore the screaming as you search for his arm, you soon find it in the shooting range. (oh the delicious irony). You brush the sand and rocks off of it as you bring it back to Fritz, who's still screaming. So you slap him with his own arm."YOU FUCKING PSYCHOPATH" He screams."Ok first off" You say pointing his arm at him "You shot at ME, while I was training and you never shoot at something you don't plan on killing, especially is said thing killed a balverine with nothing but a bone, that's the first rule of bow safety, the second is DON'T SHOOT AT ME". He has tears in his eyes."Oh you pansy, my uncle had both his arms torn off and he's fine, he's a drunk, but he's fine" You say as you pick him up, realizing he is currently to broken to find away to reattach his arm before he dies from blood loss. You think you did something similar to whisper once, you don't remember seeing as you woke up a month later with a terrible pain in your head. Fritz flails as you carry him up to the guild masters haunt, the quest accepting thing, Twig probaly knew its name, it was a map of the world and you were a tad pissed off when you learn it wouldn't let you teleport home."Oi weaver" you call out to the old man "Caught myself a dumbass"."Heeeeeelp meeee" Gregory begs."Shut up" You say. the guildmaster stares at you for several awkward seconds."How did this happen" He asks.What do you sya he started it shrug and drop fritz in front of him I blame the Gardener  write in
>>28127537[X] I blame the Gardener.
>>28127537> I blame the GardenerMan fuck roses.
>>28127537>shrugI honestly don't remember at this point.
>>28127537>[x] Write inClaim that he's delusional and did this to himself.
>>28127537> write inSouldn't you be trying to save his arm right now?Anyway, he started shooting arrows at me while I was training with my axe. I got a bit carried away when I countered him by throwing my axe in his direction.Who knew great axes made such great throwing weapons? Guess thats why we call them, great axes.
>>28127537> I blame the Gardener"he turned into a rose bush, and startled me as I was training my axe slipped"but really  he started it"ignoring bow safety
>>28127600"I blame the Gardener" You say "can't trust them, I say we feed him to balverines"."There are no balverines here, Gunther" Weaver says "And I happened to be looking out a window when a great axe lodge itself a few feet away from me, ruining a painting of one of my predecessors". (Plead the fifth, they can't prove anything)."He threw...his fucking axe at me" Fritz says."Well you interrupted my training, with arrows" You say."You took off my fucking arm" He moans, turning a deathly shade of pale."And you have known me for nine years" You say "and let you thought it was a good idea to fucking shoot at me"."Silence both of you" Weaver says "I'll see what I can do about Mr. Fritz arm".roll 1d100 to see if Fritz is now the one armed bandito.
Rolled 75>>28127740Please no! I mean, what challenge would he be with only one arm?
>>28127766He would then become the famous one armed archer!
Rolled 88>>28127794Not sure of how that works.Not sure I want to know.
>>28127806Did you roll already?
>>28127822I am going to be honest and say yes. hoping it will give me brownies points.
>>28127822>>28127822Going for a walk, I'll count it up when I get backdiscuss among yourselves
>>28127835So, what are the odds of us being actually a completely functionnal person in Albion?Considering the psychopath who roams the land, I don't think we are going to be very different.The only question is: Do we start killing people, steal their home, sell the house and repeat?
>>28127740Fucks sakes, we need a better replacement for our origional mister Fritz this one is too much of a pansy/too stupid to live.
>>28128247Look, we haven't bothered breaking him in yet.
>>28128265And we didn't force him into growing a mustache yet.
>>28128265>>28128307It's been nine years guys, I somehow doubt there's any more we can do with this one.
>>28128345We could force him into a pact with the shadow court.
>>28127766"I'm sorry" Weaver says sadly "But, even if we could reattach it, the bone is jagged". Fritz smiles and faints at these words. Weaver looks at both of you angrilywhat do you do apologize  leave find your axe talk to someone other
>>28128358One armed reaver? yes please
>>28128365TIE A CROSSBOW TO HIS STUMP!
>>28128365> find your axeIf that's the biggest weapon they have here, we'll make do with it for now.
>>28128365> find your axeWelp, did all we could.>>28128379Too bad there is no gun in the setting yet. >>28128384Or a canon crossbow hybrid.
>>28128365[X] Find axe>>28128384Sounds good to me.
>>28128415>fritz is now GutsTHERE IS NO WAY THIS CAN GO WRONG!
>>28128485You ignore Weaver's stare, and you soon find you axe lodged in the stone wall of the guild before a gaping whole in the wall. You pull it free and continue of your way, ignoring the sobbingweapon gained, Iron great axe the sun is now high in the skywhat do you do tests swim other
>>28128521> otherGet Fritz a new gunpowder arm canon/crossbow.
>>28128559He can do it on his own time
>>28128521> testslets get it done
>>28128569In that case, lets start the tests.
>>28128521> otherLet us get ourselves a cane-axe before the tests
>>28128623>>28128623You have 100 gold, all you can afford is pie
>>28128521Well if the bone being jagged is a porblem then chop a bit more of his arm off. Just make it a clean cut this time, Weaver should be able to do the rest right?
>>28128671I'm pretty sure they would be unable to reattach it even if this was set in 2 or 3
Rolled 12 + 4>>28128697BUT BUT MAGIC right?
>>28128667You find yourself being pushed along by a very brave hero, oh it must be time for the hero tests. (KILL EVERYONE, DO NOT DO THIS, I SWEAR IF YOU)"Shut up voice in my head" You mummerYou soon find yourself standing side by side with Whisper and Astraia."Where's Fritz?" whisper asks. Twig stares at your noticing your blood stained axewhat do you say I did not kill him, please don't set me on fire *whistle* *stare* write int
>>28128785Meet her gaze.
>>28128740He could get his old boring arm back or he could get a new gunpowder arm canon/crossbow!Or maybe even a demonic graft.>>28128785 write intHe should have known better than to hide in the trees and start shooting arrows at me without telling me beforehand.
>>28128785"He wanted to give me a hand while I was practicing. However he tried to hard and gave me an arm instead."
>>28128823John is either going to be pissed or scared shitless if he meets Gunther
>>28128858>>28128861>>28128823So brush it off as nothing?
>>28128785> "I think he is with the guild master. wasn't excising proper bow safety."
>>28128874John? Doesn't ring a bell.>>28128940Nothing? We crippled a man. Which is hilarious.
>>28128940I wouldn't say nothing. Fritz should have known better after these last 9 years. It's like he WANTEd his arm chopped off.
>>28128958Papa Fritz, you know the one dick had as his right hand, he's now a planar Traveler, who has a great many bastards
>>28128993>had as his right handOh this John.So, he was our ancestor right hand and we took his descendant's left hand. Or right. Who cares?
>>28128858"He wanted to give me a hand practicing" You say smiling "He tried to hard and gave me an arm instead, give him a few days, he'll be right as rain".Twig stares at you for a while."Well then its his own damn fault" She says "but at least tell me you feel bad"."Yes, because I missed his head" You say, ignoring the speech Maze is giving as Weaver is currently patching up Gregory. You feel a electric jolt course through your body."GUNTHER" She shouts while whispering."Joking" you lie."Now while some of you favor more.....crude methods" Maze says staring at you "You are all heroes, or at least you will be at the days end". and with that he walks away, leaving you alone.What test do you take first target practice duel (with who) The maze thing in the forest where he teleported around like a shit
>>28129148> The maze thing in the forest where he teleported around like a shitI want us to go while we're still fresh and most able to tear the forest down.
>>28129148> The maze thing in the forest where he teleported around like a shitHow do you find a tree in a forest? You cut down the whole thing, set it on fire and laugh over the ashes.
>>28129186Well, we do have an axe. I pity the trees.
>>28129205Do you wish to do this test with witch girl? y/n
>>28129148> The maze thing in the forest where he teleported around like a shit>Berserk straight down the center
>>28129230As an ally or a opponent?
>>28129148[X] Maze>>28129230Oh Yeah.
>>28129230Sure. We need a fire starter after all.
>>28129261Yes then, but we really shouldn't use berserk.
>>28129261> target practiceyea we need a ranged friend
>>28129281"Say Twig" You say grabbing your small friend "I say we take on Maze together"."Get the toughest challenge out of the way first?" she asks "Who are you and what have you done with gunther"."Nah, I just get bored of thrashing whisper" You say "and with Fritz out of commission they only other choice for the duel is...""Alright, lets go kick the strongest will users ass" She says "Besides he's been a bit of a prick". She clenches her eyes."Voice in your head?" you ask."Voice in my head" She says nodding as you carry her on your shoulders like a father would, despite you being the same age, and her being barely shorter than whisper.Soon."What are you two doing here?" Maze asks "There are other tests"."We've come to kick your ass" You say "And besides this test seemed funner". He smirks."Well then, lets see how the boy raised among wolves and the pampered witch fair against their superior". and with that lightning fills the air.What do you do Try that will spell you learned earlier roll1d100 to not lose control. distract him while Astraia rains down fire roll1d100 FULL FRONTAL ASSAULT roll1d100 other roll1d100
Rolled 18>>28129422> Try that will spell you learned earlier roll1d100 to not lose control.Let's just smash him as hard as we can with the biggest thing we could find.
Rolled 22>>28129422> FULL FRONTAL ASSAULT roll1d100
Rolled 17>>28129422Did he just insult us? Fuck that shit, we're going for it.>[X] Try that will spell you learned earlier roll1d100 to not lose control.
Rolled 27>>28129422> distract him while Astraia rains down fire roll1d100Strategy! Nobody expect us using it.
Rolled 93>>28129422> other Start swinging wildly in every direction until someone tells you that you have passed all the tests.
Rolled 16>>28129422>distract via FULL FRONTAL ASSAULT!The only option.
Rolled 80>>28129544Reinforcing this.
>>28129558>>28129447Combine these? y/n
>>28129635I'm going to say "yes" with the understanding that means waifu will set everything on fire while we try to turn him into paste.
Rolled 48>>28129635What difference would it make?
>>28129544This. So Much this.
>>28129661>>28129661Maze may hit himself from fear that you can will
Rolled 85>>28129690Lets do that then.CHOO CHOO! MOTHERFUCKERS! The Gunther locomotive doesn't stop for anyone!
>>28129690However the don't stop swinging till you win is winning
Rolled 48>>28129544As long as the witch is hanging out on our shoulders, we may as well cut a path of destruction in all directions, right? This has my vote
Rolled 73>>28129690I want to see that!
>>28129544You ignore the pain, the fire, the erthal swords in the air, the fact twig and maze are teleporting, and just start swinging with wild abandon, laughing, (Dear me). You hear screams but you don't listen, just keep swinging, you feel you axe strike something but you don't stop swinging or laughing. The sounds of war surround you as the forest burns, you swear you hear crying.roll1d100 to avoid something
Rolled 43>>28129787Lets dodge that something, hoping its not Twig's pancreas.
>>28129787Ethereal I meant, not erthal
Rolled 30>>28129787we move like a fire so quick we will never be hit till we exhaust our selves
Rolled 40>>28129787WE DONT NEED TO DODGE. WE ARE A WALL.SHOW THEM THE KNOTHOLE GLADE WAY
Rolled 20>>28129868this. also rip off shirt.
>>28129849You briefly feel a pain on the back your head, before everything goes black......Gunther falls to the ground with a deafening thud, the unconscious Astraia Grey's fall being cushioned by his body."WEAVER" Maze says " and....thunder, I see you heard my screams"."Yes, did they do this" Weaver asks taking in the carnage these two caused"Yes" Maze said."I expected nothing less from him" Thunder says nodding."Wait...you aren't going to punish" maze begins."Maze, we've raised some of the worst monsters in history here, and you think I give a shit about a forest anymore, squirrels are assholes" Weaver says "Besides he's a good kid, deep down, really deep down, and he'll make a fine hero". Maze's screams could be heard across the planes......You wake up, in the shitty robes heroes are given with a heroes seal on your chest with a note, it reads "You passed"what do you do find twig sleep lets do hero shit otheralso any idea for description?
Rolled 3>>28130095> find twigForce feed her pie to celebrate!
>>28130095>[X] find twigOh shit, Weaver just turned into a badass.
>>28130095> find twigWe'll get her help to go out and find and even bigger weapon than the axe.
>>28130095>  find twigCELEBRATE GOOD TIMES C'MON!Also, maybe we can finally try to beat Thunder at a drinking contest
>>28130095> find twig
>>28130202You decide to go find twig. You soon find her, standing outside your door."Oh you finally woke up" she says, holding a burning something behind her back "Its been a week by the way"."Again, avo dammit" You say."Also Fritz and whisper passed" She says "and the forest is gone thanks to us"."Bah the squirrels were dicks there" You say."It truly was a purging fire" She says following you along your morning walk."So what now?" you ask leaning against a wall."I...don't know" she says "I was hoping you would know".what do you do quests swim challenge thunder roll1d100 flirt (write in what you say) roll1d100 other
Rolled 89>>28130312> flirt (write in what you say) roll1d100Would you go along with me on an adventure involving fire, axes and dead monsters? Just the two of us?
>>28130389Can't argue with that.
Rolled 27>>28130312>flirtEY GURL U WANT SUM FUK
Rolled 21>>28130389Well flirted anon. I approve.
>>28130389"So, twig" You say picking her up "Would you like to go on an adventure with me involving fire, axes, dead monsters, just the two of us?"."W...what?" she says, her face redder than Thunder's ass based on the rumors you got the gardener to spread because fuck him and his roses."Think of it as a date" you say carrying her over your shoulder "a bloody date, a very bloody date".".....fine" She says "just promise this won't be like the time thunder forced you into a date with whisper"."It won't be" You laugh "Because I won't break your jaw, though that was a fun day"."Dammit Gunther" she says laughing, punching you softly on the head.what do you do get a quest (options, bandit killing, wasp slaying, trader escort) other
>>28130389This. All of this.>>28130439None of that. We may be uncouth, but we have the standards of a mustache to live up too.
Rolled 15>>28130618> get a quest (options, bandit killing, wasp slaying, trader escort)Bandit slaying of course.We can even make one or two competent survivors our followers.
>>28130618"fine ill break you jaw if you want"kiss her hard
>>28130618Slay ALL THE BANDITS!
>>28130693>>28130693I will make you roll not to break her jaw
>>28130618Get an escort job. Preferably the kind where we sit together on the back of a stage coach and enjoy the scenery. Then we get to break bandit faces in.
>>28130736fine with me
>>28130855DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ITbut it seems bandit murder is winning
>>28130618>".....fine" She says "just promise this won't be like the time thunder forced you into a date with whisper".Which one was the incestuous one?
>>28130899we can kill bandits too
>>28130998by the waylow is good for this roll
>>28130968I'm pretty sure Thunder and Whisper was siblings, and that one of them was interested in the other.
>>28131016We're not seriously rolling, right?
>>28131018I don't recall that
>>28131032Nah, so bandits?also any good description ideas?
>>28130899Fine by me.
Rolled 7>>28131016>>28130736Wouldn't be nice hurting twig.
>>28131109We are on to you Mister Twirler.
>>28131068>>28131068You carry your friend to the quest place, in which you see whisper and a one armed fritz leaving. Fritz glares at you. You respond by flipping him off with the arm he lost, not the rotting one you tossed to the birds, but your left or right arm, you always confuse the two. You grab a card that says, bandits doing some shit or another, get maze to write this I'm trying to drink away my sorrows, signed weaver.what a nice old manDo you wish to kiss Astraia? y/n
>>28131139y>>28131095With a surprisingly gentle touch!
>>28131139YAlso, Weaver is the best guild master.
>>28131139Not yet. All in due time. We do not want to ruin a good thing before it has even begun
>>28131139>kiss?After we complete the mission.
>>28131287>>28131287Surrounded by deathas is the knothole glade way
Rolled 4>>28131287>>28131298yes like this
Rolled 3>>28131139Lets not kiss her yet. Lets wait for a more romantic time, when we are both drenched in blood, sweat and possibly sap.
>>28131287This. No need to rush it. Much more fun to flirt and tease her during the date, then do something unexpected that leads to a kiss.
>>28131312You think about kissing Astraia, but then decided that murdering bandits is a more pressing matter. You begin to sing a wordless song as you leave the guild. you read the card as you walk through the charred remains of the woods.Reward 200 goldBandits are dicks, murder them or something.Seems about right. "So what did you get us?" Twig asks."Bandit murdering" You answer."Well that sounds fun, meting out justices" She says, sounding far to aroused by this."And I bet they make funny noises when you squeeze the life out of them" you say."I bet they do big guy" She says patting you on the headwhat do you do skip to bandit camp roll1d100 nah I want to talk to lesser beings
>>28131287Sounds good to me.
Rolled 96>>28131416Let's get things moving.
Rolled 75>>28131416> skip to bandit camp roll1d100
Rolled 55>>28131416> skip to bandit camp roll1d100lets infiltrate first I bet we can out drink them and then kill them
>>28131455No jack of blades today
Rolled 51>>28131481Pffft, Jack of blades got nothing on us.Our axe is like 10x bigger than his puny sword.
>>28131455You are outside of the bandit camp, Well they seem tougher than most here. Twig seems a bit frightened. and you can smell cooking meat and booze.What do you do walk in and try to make them turn their backs on banditry roll1d100 hide Astraia and pretend avo is angry with them roll1d100 Fuck it butcher them all roll1d100 rip shirt off and punch them in the faces roll1d100 other
Rolled 19>>28131549You had to include the Knothole way option...
Rolled 31>>28131549> otherOffer them a proper challenge. Two against two duels.
Rolled 32>>28131549> rip shirt off and punch them in the faces roll1d100we need some goons they will do nicely
Rolled 37>>28131549BOOZE?THATS OURSBEAT UP EVERYONE AND TAKE IT FOR OURSELVES
Rolled 96>>28131549Drinking contest?
Rolled 40>>28131686I like the way you think.
>>28131686always the second to last or last roll with you fuckers isn't it
>>28131549[X] rip shirt off and punch them in the faces roll1d100
>>28131706I just rolled 2 fucking 96s in a row, so no. I'd say it isn't always the second to last roll thank you very much!
>>28131686I like the way you think!
>>28131686i realized why we are so different from our father guys.we are the first drunken monk of albion.
>>28131686>>28131718"BOOOOOOOOOOOOZE" You scream like a god angry at being forgotten."WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING" one of them screams"I DON'T KNOW JERRY" another screams holding on to the other "BUT I'M SCARED"You rip your shirt off and pose, watching the baby men cower in fear before you start your assault, you feel bones crack and hearts break as you punch all of them in the face, and off the cliff, and into each other to be thrown off the cliff."OI, YA LITTLE SHIT" A voice shouts. roll1d100 to catch cleaver
>>28131847>You rip your shirt off and pose, watching the baby men cower in fear before you start your assault, you feel bones crack and hearts break as you punch all of them in the face, and off the cliff, and into each other to be thrown off the cliff.we are truely the greatest hero ever.
Rolled 90>>28131847IT IS THE KNOTHOLE GLAVE WAY
Rolled 59>>28131847time for face catching goodness!
Rolled 99>>28131847Clearly we bat it back to sender with our axe.
>>28131893any particular way you want to catch it?
Rolled 98>>28131916this way>>28131897
>>28131937Yeah. My plans tend to have that effect.
Rolled 33>>28131897Hey, if we get a homerun on that we may be able to get reach third base!
>>28131893>>28131897>>28131925The dice gods truly wish for these bandits to die this day
Rolled 32I heard that if you toss an axe hard enough it comes back, like a boomerang!Let's try that.>>28131916>>28131897
>>28131897You swing your axe, not aiming the blade to kill but to send back, (like some kind of murderous mailman). You hear the noise of steel peircing flesh and a girlish scream before you strike the man with such force he flies into a tree, felling it as he gurgles away his last breath in terror of the demon before himall the bandits are deador at the bottom of the cliff in extreme agonywhat do you do Take his cleaver as a trophy Twig, you alright?Knothole glade kiss?BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOZE other
>>28132012[X] Twig, you alright?
Rolled 35>>28132012> Twig, you alright?> Take his cleaver as a trophy>BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOZE>Knothole glade kissIn that order.Also, how high was our combat multiplier?
Rolled 80>>28132012check on twig.
>>28132012> Twig, you alright?then Knothole glade kiss!
>>28132057Not high enough
Rolled 91>>28132012> Twig, you alright?> Take his cleaver as a trophy
Rolled 77>>28132077Are you saying we could gotten our combat multiplier even higher?We should consider looting the bodies.I wonder if we could get Fritz a new arm here, if this world doesn't exactly follow the same laws as ours.
Rolled 54>>28132012>knothole glade kiss>Twig, you alright?>Booze!>My head?!>Twig, are you alright?>where's my shirt? Oh, right...>Where'd that puny knife (cleaver) come from?
>>28132070You pull the cleaver free of his skull, and grab a bottle of cheap booze."Twig!!!" You yell "ARE YOU ALRIGHT"."Are they dead?" She asks."Yes" You say"Oh god my legs, my beautiful legs" a voice calls out from the cliff edge. You kick a red barrel at the voice."Now they are" You call back. Astraia pops out from behind a bush"Good" she says before tripping on a rock you used to crush a bandits head. She's now in your armskiss? y/n
Rolled 74>>28132145Y Y Y Y Y With the gentleness of a thousand breezes.
>>28132145The way you're stringing this out is seriously fucking with my paranoia OP! ...do we have any sort of reasonable expectation that the mission doesn't exceed the one in the game? No hidden boss type thing?>share booze
>>28132227>>28132227You killed the boss via 99
>>28132145Yes, and remember, we already succeeded on the gentleness roll
>>28132242You sure that carried over?
>>28132240but think of him as a mini bozz
>>28132251It's only reasonable, it was rolled when he requested it.
>>28132255Confirmed mega boss in the vicinity!
Rolled 49>>28132255I prefer to think of him as dead.
>>28132274You lean in to kiss twig an...."WAAAAAAZ GOOOOD NIGGAH"roll1d100
Rolled 88>>28132307AO ONI!
Rolled 19>>28132307Offer booze?
Rolled 96>>28132307FUCK YOU! I WILL RIP OFF YOUR ARMS AND BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH THEM! YOU WILL CRY TO YOUR GRANDMOMMA BECAUSE YOUR MOMMA WON'T BE ENOUGH TO SAVE YOU! DO YOU HEAR ME MOTHAFUCKA! DO YOU!!
>>28132307We need to kill him, take his skirt, wash it and have it tailored into a little outfit for Twig. For later funtimes.
Rolled 83>>28132307GODDAMNIT, YOU INTERRUPTED A GOOD MOMENT
Rolled 12>>28132307RAHHHHHH YOU RUINED THE MOMENT YOU SHIT
Rolled 92>>28132397I was going to make her a woman. Now I will make you a woman. Run.
Has someone archived this ?
Rolled 3Ooops, meant to quote>>28132307
Rolled 2>>28132381(I am running out of asskicking images)"YOU SON OF A FUCKING WHORE" You scream at the red horned man who is somehow taller than you "DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU JUST RUINED"."BITCH ASS CRACKAAAAAAAAH" HE SHOUTS "YOU RUINED MY DINNAH YA LITTLE BITCAAAAAAH"."I'LL USE YOUR SKULL AS A CROTCH PAD YOU OVERGROWN WORM!!!" You say yelling louder"OOOOOOH LITTLE BITCH THINKS HEEE'S" He begins before you slam your fist into his face."OOOOOH SO THAT'S HOW IT IS IS IT?" He shouts charging youroll1d100
Rolled 33>>28132460Muda muda muda mudaOra Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora!
Rolled 69>>28132460Rip off his arms and give him a prostate exam with them.
Rolled 92>>28132460YEAH BITCH. THATS HOW ITS WAS ALWAYS GOING TO BE!
Rolled 1>>28132506Imagine if this was set in jojo's bizzare adventure ah well, always next time, though this fucker is getting his ass kicked despite being a BOSS
Rolled 78>>28132460axe him a question like does he die if we cut off his head?
Rolled 96>>28132460No, this is how it is.
>>28132543What is it with this thread and the number 96 tonight?
Rolled 76>>28132554It is the KNOTHOLE WAAAAYYY
Rolled 1>>28132543You grab a red barrel and toss it at the charging....thing"AAAAAAH YOU PUNK ASS NIGGAAAAH" he says cradling his head, leaving him open for a crotch punch "UYUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAH". He falls to the floor coughing. What do you do roll him off the cliff roll 1d100 tell him to leave other
>>28132564holy fuck, Gunther is wrecking all kinds of shit in this thread.
Rolled 22>>28132595> tell him to leaveWe need recurring villains.Oh and get his gold.
Rolled 71>>28132595Roll him off? Nah nah. We pick that big niggah up by his legs and spin throw out over the cliff edge
Rolled 28>>28132595>kick him off the cliffTHIS IS KNOTHOLE GLAVE
Rolled 82>>28132595You think we allow someone to interrupt our goddamn romantic moment and WALK AWAY?Hell no
Rolled 25>>28132595Empty barrel of booze into him and send him on his way (over the cliff).
>>28132661>>28132642this? Y/n also I need a good description
Rolled 93>>28132595Go BERSERK on his crippled ass.
>>28132714I think these rolls are a sign of terminal dice cancer
Rolled 26>>28132703Take our fucking axe, lodge it deep into his torso, and send him flying.
>>28132734is this good? Y/nthis will be the last post because you once again crush my dreams of scaring the shit out of you guys via close bossbattles
Rolled 65>>28132761Y, but we have to shout "Homerun while doing so".Might want to use a d20 for fights if you want them to be scary.
>>28132761Y. And have Twig set his feet (or all of him) on fire for good measure.
Rolled 3>>28132790Or his crotch.
Rolled 36>>28132703YWe go over to him, cursing about there are some things that a niggah should never interupt. As we grab his legs and begin the spin, we start listing off a couple things, with each one said we pick up speed. After we got full speed and power, we shout out the last on which pertains to what he did to us and send his ass flying back to Knothole Glave, where he lands just outside the tavern our mum frequents and scare the shit out of her.And she will look up in the direction of the sky where this niggah fell from and she will only shake her fist and mutter"...Gunther!"
>>28132781>>28132781I like 100leaves a bigger range of fuck upsits just all these 90sfucking nature god would've kicked dicks assbut no90s everywhere, which made them barely successes then you failed with summoning a train enough that you nearly caused the ends of days
Rolled 66>>28132815Well, I doubt we destroy the world any time soon, unless you give us godhood or magic, which isn't quite likely.Unless we summon dastardly and eat him.
>>28132813"YOU PIECE OF BALVERINE SHIT, ITS RUINED, YOU RUINED MY AVO DAMMNED DAY" You shout grabbing the thing by the legs and spinning around and around and around and around, screaming like a the very beast tattooed upon your chest as you throw the damn thing off into the distance."FUCK YOU" You scream as you walk of cursing in a long dead tongue.Astraia Grey.......You stare at the carnage lost for words."So.....close" You say sadly.(Want to get some icecream)."no" you say following the cursing gunther "He'll calm down and remember what he was doing eventually".(hopefully)Gunthergold gained 100trophy gained cleaverand that;s were we'll end for todaysee you guys on sundayBecause dear god this was a wild one
Rolled 27>>28132884Or we could just cleave the world in twain.
Rolled 69>>28132907>Because dear god this was a wild oneWhat was wild? The thread? Gunther? Twig in the sack?
>>28132907Wait. Does that mean we're getting a new step dad out of this, assuming he survives the fall?
>>28132964He's an oni, those fuckers like most demons/ogres/trolls/spirits are tough as nails, so yeah perhaps
>>28132907.....Why do I get the feeling that guy survived and is going to ruin our day again?
>>28132990>>28132964New step dad confirmed.
Rolled 19>>28133020Wait, what?
>>28133030Pretty sure he thinks we're some sort of baby oni now and he wouldn't be far off to be perfectly honest.
>>28133030In referance to this >>28132964 post.The guy is tough as nails, has a temper, and if as we have seen interupts at the worse times. Sounds like he is perfect for the job.
>>28132990So, not to make more work for you but id like to request a pastebin update in the near future. Thanks.
>>28132907>literally throw a DEMON across the continent.HOLY SHITBALLS.
The next ability we need to acquire is Battle charge. "THE MEAT TRAIN HAS NO BRAKES!"