http://blogs.smithsonianmag.com/smartnews/2013/10/why-were-medieval-knights-always-fighting-snails/Throughout medieval European illuminated manuscripts, scenes of a heavily armored knight, with a worried expression or posture, facing down a snail (sometimes monstrous or disproportionately large in relation to the knight, oftentimes just a normal harmless looking snail) abound; drawn in the margins.What did the monks writing these manuscripts in the 14th century know that we don't? And just who has erased more substantive records of the snail menace from European history?
you.. you are ok!
Snails are incredibly scary man, have you ever fought one? I would want to forget about it too, I understand why they've purged the records.
>>27888790ever wonder why there are no more giant snails? the knights killed them all>you will never have to face the threat of giant snails to save the day
>>27888790Because there were giant mutant radioactive beasts, including snails, in the middle ages.http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-21082617
>>27888790The Snail Wars were a truly harrowing experience for all of Europe. Even today, the French eat escargot in hopes of warding off the inevitable resurgence of the Snail Kings.
>>27889377Truly it was a dark time for all....
>>27889377Man the french are idiots, I mean imagine the Escargot you could make with one the size of OP's pic.
>>27889377Fool the French seek to gain the snails power through consuming their flesh. Never trust the french.
>>27889451They didn't eat them because they were tasty (at least not at first), its original purpose was to show defiance before the Snail Kings by eating their kin.
>>27889529But, now they're just being stupid by not letting them grow just a little.Aside from that, everyone knows the "snail wars" is just a hokey old myth invented by the French to justify their snail eating ways. It's fucking slanderous, and if I had a backbone, I'd say more.
Roll a 1d6 for damage to jousting with a snail. 1-3 you only piss him off and glance the shell. 3-6 and you hit the body for critical damage. Smaller basketball sized snails eat slow moving animals and all available crops but are extremely well armored. Hence coming in at speed with a lance. If the snail is not killed it will follow you never stopping till it finds you in your sleep drills through your armor into your chest cavity and uses you as a human double wide.
>>27889360>gamma ray burst hit Earth in 8th CenturyOh god what?
>>27889687Explains all those hybrid creatures now don't it?
>>27888790The snails killed all of the dragons.Knights used to use the lower bodies of dragons as prosthetic legs. Knights were worried because with all of the dragons dead, they would be legless should anything bad happen in combat. Thus snails were a fearsome foe. Duh.
>>27889687It kinda makes sense. The world suddenly fell apart for no apparent reason around that time, with monsters and plagues and shit all over the place, then gradually returned to normal.
The gamma ray burst would have only left trace isotopes, given the distance, but some other scientists think it was "an unusually large solar flare". So maybe a solar disturbance and the resulting electromagnetic pulse, while not enough to mutate lifeforms, erased all of the medieval hardrives on which records of the Snail Wars were kept?Maybe the reason why we can't decide if there were Dark Ages or not is because the golden age didn't actually end with Rome around 500 AD but with the Y1.4K.
>>27889906fool the so called scientists only say this because they dont want you to know that all magic is powered by gamma rays and thats the reason you dont see wizards now days. they where around back then because the world was flooded with magic fuel and wizards where ballin with voodoo juice.
>>27889948but what if the wizards are still around, only they call it science instead of magic
>>27890015We haven't had a proper wizard-style scientist since Tesla, or possibly some the Nazi scientists. It's all reason and math these days.
BREAKING NEWS.MERLIN WAS A SNAIL!
>>27890056make a sanity check....
Snails are fucking terrifying when they get big. I did battle with a mouse-sized snail in my garden two years ago and it didn't die until I hit it with a sledgehammer. The shell seems to get exponentially sturdier the larger they are.
>>27890056He was living backwards in time because his life was flashing before his eyes as he died, very very slowly, because of snail immortality magic shielding him from Morgan La Fey's fatal curse.
OH GODS LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THESE ONES!
>>27889656You guys think giant snail's are scary? What about GIANT FUCKING NEMATODES?!
>>27890087If only you'd let that snail live, she would have eventually grown up into a snail monstergirl and loved you tenderly for the rest of your life. You will never know the joys of dat flexible, slimy body.
>>27890197...How the hell did it fit inside there?
>>27890202wrong look at the size of this thing
>>27890231The more you think about it the less you want to know.
>>27890202Fuck you. I don't need these feels.
What scares me more than snails is the brain devouring parasites inside them. Get one of those snail parasites inside you and they will fuck up your brain permanently.
>>27890237The Belgians were originally a nomadic people who had wagon-houses on the backs of giant snails, until the William of Orange had the snails hunted to extinction in order to spite the Papal Endangered Species List, and ironically the snail carcasses were sold to Most Catholic France in order to fund the overthrow of the Spanish in the Netherlands.
Finally, a reason to post this picture!This thread is diamonds.
Monks are cowards. That is why they hide in monasteries. They can hide all they like though, nothing stops the inevitable approach of an all-terrain snail...Top of a tower? They will climb that fucker to get you.Poor monks just day dreaming of a knight in shining armor to come and save their ineffectual asses from their dreaded nemesis.
>>27890323Why do you think salt was so valuable back in the old days? Pour that in front of the snail-beast and watch as it melts into a pool of ooze.
>>27890231huff post says every human has thousands of them inside them
got to admit, i wouldn't be happy about fighting them myself
little known fact but snails have a resistance to flamethrowers >west africa has fallen to the snail threat
>>27890348They would tell people the salt circles were to stop faeries... But really? The dreaded snail apocalypse is what kept them up at night.
>>27890386I can confirm this. I killed a snail with a blow torch one time, and it didn't die until after the rock it was on had started to glow.
>>27890415although some are friendly.well at least non hostile at the immediate time.
>>27890468>friendly>not waiting until the child has lowered his defenseswhat you don't see in the next picture is the grisly scene from the child being eaten alive
>>27890295true I have seen it.
>>27890433So at no point in that process did you think you should just stop burning the poor little guy and put him out of his misery with a quick stomp or axe strike?
>>27890202>snail monstergirlAre a snail-girl's eyestalks like the ears on an elf?
>>27890491it seems like an experiment worthy of tg to me
>>27890505That's it, I've had it with all this slanderous snails will eat you bullshit, that's clearly a snail playing with a fucking action figure.>InB4 SIDF pls go.
>>27890534>SIDFThere's only room for one SIDF on this board, motherfucker.
>>27890534>defending snails How upstanding of you to defend the snail, but could you hold onto this salt shaker for me? Not like you're a snail or something.
>>27890579better plan get through this maze
>>27890608Snail Internet Defense Force
where do slugs fit into this?
Sometimes, things just happen, and there's no understanding why.
>>27890637They're like snails, except they're too lazy or inept to hold down a steady job and pay rent, so they're homeless.In place of sturdy walls, they defend themselves by being disgusting.Also a part of Japanese rock-paper-scissors.
>>27889656Wouldn't war hammers be the preferred weapons then?
>>27890695they would, if you can use them while bumrushing the snail from behind. some of them have shells three inches thick
>>27890637I never thought this would be on-topic.
>>27890695>you try to strike into a snail's soft flesh>the mace sinks into the flesh>another soul dead to the snail threat
>>27890739>you try to strike into a snail's soft flesh>the flail sinks into the flesh
>>27890736>all slug hermaphrodite. Snail is too but because faget
>>27890695Can you break steel with an iron hammer my friend? Because that is what it'd be like, fighting one of those terrible beasts
How, if at all, can a snail harm you?They don't seem to have claws or fangs or anything.
>>27890847They're slimy as shit, dude. Plus they're hermaphrodites, so they're probably in league with Slaanesh.
>>27890847they have a drill that can bore through shells of saltwater clams easily. they also have neurotoxins.
>>27890847They knock you down and smother you with their slimy bodies.
>>27890831>Can you break steel with an iron hammer my friend?Uh, yes? You can break steel with a rock if you swing it hard enough.Iron would actually be better for that purpose, since it's softer and more ductile, meaning less risk of shattering and more energy transferred to the target that would otherwise have been wasted as rebound.
>>27890847They have teeth on their tongue. This is actually true, not a joke. Not enough to harm a human, but still: TONGUE TEETH.
>>27890349...and they're all that big.
>>27889730It looks a little like he's becoming a dragon, but it's really just the spiral overtaking him.
>>27890760>>27890739Wouldn't that give rise to hammer/axe combos like a bigger version of pic?
>>27890847Think gelatinous cube, but with a heavy armor modifier.
>>27890637THE GAUNTLET, OF COURSE!>>27890626
>>27890877>they also have neurotoxins.But...those are marine. (marine shit always has to be extra scary for some reason) These knights were fighting land snails.
>>27890626I wish he showed the aftermath.
>>27890887Well darn, learn something new every day I guess.
>>27890936you think they stayed in the ocean when their king called them to war?
>>27890936Who is to say that it wasn't only by the effort of those knights that those snails now only dwell beneath the waves?
>>27890936>not fighting off the sea snail invasion of the 13th century
>>27890936Gotta feel sorry for the Navy, having to deal with that shit
>>27890970not to mention the snails drilling holes in their boats
>>27890991They never die.
>>27890991Ironclads were invented just to stop that
>>27890958You know... I don't think they ever killed the snail king. >there will be a snail invasion and mankind will be unprepared
>>27891047forgot my picture
>>27890951Although admittedly, that also means more deformation, which means more stress hardening each time it's cold-worked back into shape after being dented.
>>27890991Gives a whole new meaning to "limpet mine".Also, fuck spiders, everything is snails.
>>27891047>unpreparedyou think america salts the roads for ice and snow anon? please. we know he will come back one day.
>>27891059>Tfw we'll have to make a truce with the Spider Kingdom to stop the snails
>>27890491>Implying that the now fire-hardened shell wouldn't resist such meager blows.
>>27891073Allying with the spiders to beat the snails is like siding with Stalin to beat Hitler.Sure, it seems like a good idea at the time, but 60 years later everyone will realize how much better things would be if we had joined the other side.
Just so I can be the dull facts guy, they were probably doodles.Expensive, time-consuming doodles.I mean hell, we've literally got the doodle book of Mehmed II, the guy who conquered Constantinople.
>>27890949If I recall, the followup post said that the first snail he put in the maze immediately ran into a wall and died.
>>27891073>implying we didn't ally with the unicornsLOOK WHERE THAT TURNED OUT!
There's also that snail that grows pyrite scale armor.The shell consists of a hard outer layer to resist armor piercing attacks and a flexible middle layer to absorb energy from massive impacts. Shell also acts as a thermal regulation system.
>>27891067oh shit, i would never have expected a snail attack during the winter>>27891128>trying to spoil the fun of the thread
from the comments:>Four and Twenty tailors>Went to kill a snail;>The best man among them>Durst not touch her tail;>She put out her horns>Like a little Kyloe cow.>Run, tailors, run, or>She’ll kill you all just now.
>>27891108Either way we're messily devoured after being punctured and filled to bursting with neurotoxins. You get to choose whether this happens with you swaddled in steel-shaming thread or variable-viscosity slime.Pick your poison, so to speak.
>>27891180Snails with composite armour? We are doomed aren't we.>MFW I have an uncontrollable fear of snails.
>>27891213Read this, you'll love it:http://www.mangahere.com/manga/uzumaki/v001/c001/
>>27891213It's okay; our military is funding research into the snail to see if it reveals any new insights on armor technology
>>27890663Uzamaki? This is Uzamaki isn't it.I thought I'd forgotten.Shit.[Spoiler]to the center, ever nearer drawn
>>27891235>researching into the dreaded snail menace so we can gain their strength idk anon that sounds like heresy and forbidden knowledge
>>27891213They live in the deep, deep ocean, near black smokers where they get the minerals for these shells. They'll die at standard atmospheric pressure. You'll be safe so long as you never go full Jacques Cousteau.
>>27891291so you think. at the moment they have changed their biology to hide from us, since they didnt succeed in that they wish to lul you into a false sense of security.
>>27891233What have you done to me anon? I'm going to have nightmares for weeks now.My friends laugh at my fear of snails. I like Snakes and Spiders, but Snails just freak the living shit out of me.
>>27891291The "conus" genus of sea snails are poisonous and live even in shallow tropical waters.
>>27891328Slugs are worse.If threatened by a snake, a slug will allow itself to be consumed, then puff up and secrete a thick, sticky slime. This blocks and seals the snake's throat, choking it. One the snake is dead, the slug returns to normal size and leaves.
>>27891291But what of the offshore drilling platforms? Have we learned nothing from Helm's Deep? Will we, too, dig too deep and release the mighty Snail Kings from their slumber, as the Dwarves released the Balor?
>>27891364>Helm's Deepget out of /tg/ and don't return until you've reread LotR
>>27891364>Helm's Deep>BalorJust... just stop talking.
>>27891352>If threatened by a snake, a slug will allow itself to be consumed, then puff up and secrete a thick, sticky slime. This blocks and seals the snake's throat, choking it. One the snake is dead, the slug returns to normal size and leaves.I'm gonna break character a bit, but that is badass.
>>27891364I wasn't aware that the dwarves are responsible for unleashing the Norse god of being damn hansom.
>>27891364>Helm's DeepIt was Moria that dug too deep.Even I know that, and I haven't even read the books OR seen the movies.
>>27891387>>27891396So fucking sorry for not remembering what is quite possibly the worst-paced book in history. Can we get back to the snails?>>27891438That's Baldr
>>27890197SAN CHECK FAILED SAN CHECK FAILED AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
>>27891364I fail to see what an Irish monster man with radioactive eye-beams has to do with dwarves.>>27891438You're almost as bad.>>27891470>diggingyourselfdeeper.jpg
>>27891328Do you feel the spiral taking over?
Dad once related a story to me about his childhood on the family farm. A game which he and his brother were undisputed champions was finding vacant snail shells and packing them with dirt. A match simply involved two competitors pressing the points of the shells against each, the first to break being the loser. I thought it was a wonderful story, but now I fear that he did not understand what powers he dabbled in.
have you prepared for the snail invasion? I have. I have stocked an entire store room of salt for the occasion. created a salt cannon. and salted the lands of all my neighbors so nothing will ever grow again. they will thank me when king snail returns...
>>27891572This sounds like a traditional game.Snonkers?
>>27891595Snailrog will push the mountains into the sea. Then he will be borne to the moon on a great mountain of land snails before they fall again and sacrifice themselves to the depths. When the tides rise, you and your salt will be nothing beside the saline of the sea.
>>27891737 I dont live near the coast
>>27891328Well, just be glad you haven't found your special 'hole' in a side of a mountain. Now that was some freaky shit.
>>27891188Mind you, a tailor was considered far less than half a man in those days, 'least in old Great Britain. Many rhymes and stories to their derision.
>>27891774That Manga artist makes some weird shit. He'd make Lovecraft proud.
>>27891683I will not press him for whatever Chinese title is held by the dread art that is Snonkermancy.
>>27891774>Now that was some freaky shit.why? what happens?
http://vimeo.com/25127087Live footage of slug in Dubai, 43 CelsiusIt's only a matter of time before searching "desert slugs" starts turning up very, very relevant results.
>>27891805He comes out on the other side and finds himself in the basement of his family's new house.His father is trapped under the principal post.It is a mystery forever.
>>27891796That's the beauty of horror for me. To take something completely ordinary or goofy (like a spiral) and turn it into something maddening and monstrous.
>>27891765You underestimate the impact of a mass snail exodus.Everything is snails.
>>27889633It's like blueberries or the chili family, the small ones taste more.
>>27891805He comes out all stretched out>>27891830that's a different story. my guess is the father suddenly wanted to crawl under the house support beam. why someone would do such a silly stupid thing is beyond me >>27891765>I dont live near the coastThey will still catch you. That reminds me, I'm only a few hundred miles from shore.
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/27888790/okey dokey archived carry on
>>27891887>my guess is the father suddenly wanted to crawl under the house support beam. why someone would do such a silly stupid thing is beyond me He was contaminated by the spiral.
Junji Ito is for pussies.Fuan No Tane (Seeds of Anxiety) will break you.the eyes, the horrible staring eyes
>>27892015>challenge declinedNope, can't do it man. Bad enough I have nightmares about being killed by ex girlfriends, falling into holes, and my car exploding. I don't need more material for my unconscious mind.>don't tell my unconscious mind but i'm onto his tricks and read happy stuff in hopes of killing the nightmares>it's not working
>>27892015>Fuan No Tane>LETS LETS>PLAY PLAY
>>27890044Tesla had a direct connection with the Omnissiah. He was our messaih, and Edison, that bastard, was our Pontus.
>>27892096Go visit gurochan, look through freakshow and gore/death. it helps. It is strange, but it does help.
>and in their time of need, the people cried out for a hero.>and lo, did he appear (slowly)>No man but he could tame the mighty snail>and so they called him>SNAAAAAIL RIDEEEEER
>>27892096your unconscious mind can hear you. its never really asleep you know. its always there watching and waiting. like a snail.
>>27892096What's that you say?Storytime it?Who am I kidding? I can't even look at thumbnails of Fuan No Tane.
>>27892179That is not the image I uploaded...I've never seen that image before.
>>27891235> Those warty growths are made of metal> Can't stop imagining tiny warts of metal growing out of my skin nowMy head itches.
Sorry, I just have to see if I can find where my image landed up.
>>278922294chan's been swapping images a lot recently.
>>27892296Well, this is what I meant to post, not that it's important: >>27892277
>>27892175aww shit. i could probably write a silent hill game at this point. i'm feeling really guilty about something but i don't know what. unless it's about that one girl i broke up with, but i had serious reasons for that...>and suddenly i remembered that instead of breaking up with her i murdered her instead>>27892277i think it's because everyone is posting images at once, or so i hear
>>27892179What the flying fuck is this?
>>27892450The work of the evil snails.
>>27892450I attempted to upload good old dogeball >>27892277 , but it was contaminated by the spiral.
A modern day snail's mating harpoon is just a shallow simulacrum of their former capability. A 13th century Slime-Reaver could fire a fin-stabilised calcite harpoon more than 200 feet. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_dart
>>27889782in the 8th century....Earth became a DnD setting....Fucking shit, man.
>>27892163Please, even a little man like this guy can tame a snail.
>>27893036But for one of the big 'uns we need someone as skilled as the Doctor.
>>27890889Fuck you, I wanted to sleep, at some point in my life.
So while I was saving these images I noticed a folder called "Ultimate Snail" in my snail folder. Here are the contents.
>>27893435oh god, look at the speed on this thing!
>>27892015Why am I reading this? >Haven't had nightmares for almost a year...
>>27893521or lord, there's no way to stop them!
>>27893521and that's it>>27893455among the snails he is king
>>27893539even ito jun is not powerful enough to resist the power of swirls and snails
let's be honest OP, it wasn't always snails. Sometimes it was animals that shit liquid flaming... shit
>>27894201Junji Ito worries me.
>>27895190Dude, that's just the monks being furries again.
>>27895190>Implying the legendary napalm beasts weren't our greatest weapon against the Slimy Hordes
Medieval Europe was a crazy place. Shame everything is so tame nowadays.
>mfw local news reports sightings and a talking head warns bout deady diseases they spread
>>27896173Why would we help our greatest foes?
>>27889633>It's fucking slanderous, and if I had a backbone, I'd say more.Snail spotted.
>>27896200That was an awfully slow response. Almost as slow as... a snail.
>>27896265/pol/ pls go
>>27889633>>27896200>>27896238Stay there while i get my armor and my lance, foul creature
>>27896275Oy vey, good vertebrate.
fucking molluscs. all hail your saviour, the ultimate animal!
>>27890736>affirmative action>dog can chew and will still eat lettuceOh fuck man.
>>27891047What if guys... what if the world is as it is cause we are in alliance with the snails.Think about it, no more knights of vassal states. Borders are just for culture rather than defence, the world is kinda unified, much like the snails. And when was the last time you were actually attacked by a snail?Face it, back in the day we got into a stalemate, the knights got removed and made a title and the snails stopped attacking the humans for their children
>>27896556Bitch I had to fend off a hungry snail this morning. As a matter of fact he's still in my living room now trying to come finish the job. I just felt that between my life threatening battle against the snails and your post I had to call your post out on bullshit. Snail lover, whatever I'm loaded up on salt now back into the fray.
>>27896848You should let the lower born snails collect the tithe.Accidents start happening when you don't, and you should hush about the salt, you'll find that the salt will disapear from the shelves
>>27889633Snail detected. /snl/---> plsgo
>>27888790Maybe this is what the Voynich Manuscript is about.
>>27895196Lovecrafts illegit grandson.
>>27897194Lies and heresy.He hated Asians. And blacks. And Hispanics. And anyone not white.The mere thought of multicultural communities sent him into well-documented rages and rants.
>>27897217Blame nyarlthotep. And snails.
>>27896556A snail ate my family!
>>27896848Oh god, now I'm imagining a guy with a "bug-a-salt" salt shotgun screaming "COME GET SOME" just as a giant snail busts through the door, only to be reduced to an even mushier paste.
>>27900120who's getting pastes?
>>27888790That's it, next game I run is going to be set during the Snail Wars.I'm thinking Nemesis or AFMBE set in the modern era, experimentation in the gamma band has reawakened the Snail Kings and it's up to a small group of b-movie protagonists to stop them. Sort of like a cross between Them! and The Blob.Maybe add in some parasitic brain slugs for that Cronenberg-flavor goodness.
>>27890847What little information we have been able to recover tell of the legions of the Snail Kings making use of highly advanced energy weapons and some sort of mechanical battle-shells.
>>27897217He hated Asians because an Asian woman tied him up and forced herself on him when he was young.That's also why he has that blank stare. Mental trauma and all that.
>>27896265Salt will not harm their new fleshYour gods have abandoned you this day
>>27908435You may be immune to salt now, but your new forms have a weakness that you did not think about! RUST! I CAST ON YE SALTWATER, YOU SLIMEY GOLD DEMON!
>>27891233Well, there went several hours of my life.SpiralsSpiralsSpirals
>>27888790Didn't monks spend a lot of time gardening? That probably has something to do with their interest/fascination with snails. As said by someone else, these might just be silly doodles, so it was fun to take the warriors of their culture and put them up against those pesky little critters they find every day. Kinda like when the Japanese air-force comes in in a Mothra movie.Or giant snails were a mythological creature from European history, but it was kind of forgotten about.
You know what annoys me?I will live my entire life. I will have lived and died. I will have experienced life and all its intricacies, and then one day I will be a pile of dust. I will one day die, and I will NEVER know why medieval knights were depicted fighting snails.
>symbiotic cleaner birds living in the shells>big fossil shells with primitive human shell wall art>nomadic societies harnessing snails as shelter and transportation>harvesting mucus for who knows what>warfare involving lots of salt>ornately carved and decorated snail shells as power/status symbols>settlements in hills/mountains/cliffs to defensively slow down snails>settlements in areas only accessible to snails
>>27895190LOL, That guy's face:>I never signed up for this
>>27910139It wasn't forgotten.The Snail Kings are still a primal fear, lurking in the back of every Frenchman's mind.