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/tg/ - Traditional Games

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Tell me a story when you got a natural 20 IRL, papa fa/tg/uy
All I seem to roll are 1's no matter what.
That's actually the only explanation I can see for why everything is going so badly no matter what approach I try... my player must have rolled terrible stats for me.
I can tell you about my sick Reflex Save:

I was walking down a flight of stairs carrying a dish with a bowl and a cup on top of it. My flip-flop clad feet slipped on the stairs, and i began to fall. the cup flew off the dish, and the bowl slid off in the opposite direction With one hand I clutched the railing and managed to right myself. Then I caught the bowl on the dish, and whipped around and caught the cup in the bowl. And nobody saw it. Worst day of my life.

Charisma is an unbalanced stat irl ;_;
A buddy and I once decided to prank the place where he worked (movie theater). I showed up introducing myself as the district manager, took notes and acted like such an asshole the whole day.

I passed every bluff check, then rolled a twenty when I actually convinced a guy who had met him before that it was me.
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What class did you specialize in?
"Pissed former retail worker," so that all my bluffs were based on familiar stuff.
>Two days ago
>Riding bicycle downhill
>Car pulls out in front of me
>Slam on brakes
>Start to flip forward
>let go of handlebars, get flung forward
>Land on my feet, standing straight up, bike falls over behind me

Holy shit that was crazy.
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>Be level 6 Ranger
>Raise crow from chick when it was abandoned by it's mother
>Crow imprints on me and follows me everywhere even if I go outside name him Edgar
>Edgar and me are best pals for life
>One day take crow out for "walk" in the park
>Start chatting up girl with dog in the park and start to brag that I'm an animal whisperer when her dog that hates strangers loves me
>"Prove it"
>Call my animal companion
>Edgar flies down and lands on my shoulder
>Other crows in the park start to follow suit
I have pulled nat 20's on tumble checks quite often, have had nat 1's just as many

Example of a nat 1 is walking down stairs and dislocated my ankle on the last step by stumbling on kick guard

Nat 20 is where I fell down the outside of a building from the third floor and managed to hit, grab, slide and roll my way down to the first floor and rolled onto the ground and up onto my feet without a scratch

I crit fail the simplest shit so I can crit succeed where it matters but people are only ever around to see my fails
Made Spot, Reflex, and Strength Saves
1) Notice some drunk guy about to fall face first off a fence somewhere just to my side and behind me
2) Jump over and catch this 200 some pound guy just before he faceplants the cement
That's a nat 1 for golem craft for trying to make that thing look human
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If you didn't pose like this I will be supremely disappointed.
Did you give the D?
At my Histology exam last week, after a quite good exam, they asked me the development of the somites. I had a very vague idea about what it, but, after having just started talking, my teacher waved me off, saying "ok, it's clear you know them." Natural 20 bluff.
>Me and friends fucking around in the pool, shoving each other off this ledge.
>I get pushed.
>Look down.
>I am about to destroy the face of the littlest dude in our group via flying foot to the nose.
>I have 6 DEX.
>Oh fuck oh fuck.
>Start rolling midair.
>Foot just barely clears his face, gently ruffling with buzzcut.
>All present agree 'twas some matrix shit.
>then rolled a twenty when I actually convinced a guy who had met him before that it was me.

In the theater business nobody knows you're a bear, nobody.
Rolled 6

Well I was reading a thread when suddenly, BAM. Nat 20
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>Playing hide-and-seek
>Come across bags of trash
>Wearing black shirt
>Curl up in shirt with bags
>Win hide-and-seek
The best part is that I was only like five feet from the guy counting.
>Be 7 years old
>Trip over my own socks at the top of the staircase
>Start rolling down head first
>Land on my feet at the bottom
>Didn't even drop my sippy cup
I had a headache for two days afterwards from hitting so many stairs on the way down but I felt like a fucking champion.
It was euphoric, as surely as i am the gentlest of men. Good show, sir.
*tips fedora*
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Sorry friend it was a bit more like this
I did in fact, though not on the same day. She was impressed with the fact that I raised a baby bird and how "sweet" I was for doing so. Edgar was the best wingman ever I miss that feathered bastard.
I rolled a natty 20 on an Escape Artist check once

>Up at cottage in lake country last summer
>Drunken tomfoolery with the guys on the dock
>End up in grappling/shoving match with my friend to launch the other one into the water
>Due to his RL MA training and my years of expertise in rolling dice, he ends up gaining leverage and shoves me towards the water
>I stumble and my foot falls in between two sections of dock and gets stuck as I'm falling
>"Oh shit nigger, I'm about to break my ankle!"
>Ankle pops free just as I hit 70 degrees from the vertical, splash unharmed into the water
>"Oh, thank everliving fuck!"
>Own a fedora
>Nat 20 decieve test to convince self that it looks cool
Good enough
Is that a dude or just a ugly girl?
>Leaping between boulders as we go down a river in Yosemite
>Leap and land too hard, go over the side of the boulder
>Other side of the boulder is twenty-foot waterfall
>River is very shallow and filled with boulders
>One tiny six-foot-deep hole directly below fall
>Fall directly into it, head first, hitting ice-cold water and passing out
>Wake up to friend who pulled me out
>Woulda died if I'd fallen less than a foot in any other direction
Natural 20 to hit with flailing body?
Natural 20, charisma check. Back when I was a virgin with no social skills, I managed to impress a very beautiful woman enough that I spent the evening at her place.

Natural 1, sense motive. Despite the fact she spent the entire night hinting about wanting to have sex, I didn't clue in, because I was an oblivious virgin. After that, she started calling me her gay friend.
To be fair, I've seen men that can pull it off. They tend to be in their late 30s at the youngest, because any younger and they start to look like juvenile try-hards.
>Be rock climbing
>Dat Sweet +8 Climb Check
>Roll 1
>As I'm falling twist around.
>Roll for Heal Check
>Nat 20
>Land on my back on rocks about 10 feet down. Actually popped my back into place.
>Haven't felt that good in years.
>>Be 7 years old
>>Didn't even drop my sippy cup

what kind of faggot are you? Still, that's a good nat 20 story.
>Wearing flip-flops
>Wearing any sort of shoes indoors
stay pleb
I had a natural 20 Reflex save to not have my head crushed by a snowmobile. I was sitting on the backseat as a friend of my parents took me to the top of a mountain. I duno why, good view or something like that.
The side became a little too steep. Luckly we got our legs off the machine so that it wouldn't crush our hips as it fell over. The fucking machine rolled over us and continued down the mountain.
>Worst day of my life.
Nat 20 on having a pretty-fucking-privileged life?

I see what you did there.
>Nat 20 on Diplomacy and Bluff
Girlfriend found out I was talking to another women. Told her it was a surprize for her (shes bi), ended in threesome.

>Nat 1 on nature
Getting intimate with a new lady. Keep going for the pants, she keeps saying "I dont think its a good idea", turns into "I might bleed.". Naturally, think I hit the virgin load. She gets incredibly mad all of the sudden and leave. 3 days later, it hits me: period. Thinking about it now, its obvious.

Nat 20 Dex
>Pouring glass of liquid. Incredibly thirsty so glass is huge.
>Falls off the counter. Put foot out to stop glass from shattering.
>Lands perfectly upright ontop of my foot, about 6 inches from the floor not, a drop spilled
No one around to see it.

Nat 1 spot
>Driving with friend
>She is naturally nervous in cars
>Turn to her and say "I'm actually not that bad of a driv-"
>Truck bed hovering half an inch away from wind shield as the breaks screech
Thank the gods that thing was fuck huge, or my hood would have been gone.

I hit a 20 during conception but it all went downhill from there
Man Edgar was the best bird, I let him roam free once he reached maturity and when I first let him go I thought I'd never see him again but he came back the next day and pecked at my window. I even taught him to fetch things and to pick up money if he found it so sometimes he'd come home with bills in his beak and I'd give him a treat. This became a problem when I found out he was stealing them from people who were about to pay for things, eventually word got around town that there was a crow that was stealing cash from people.
Had a ferret who would steal wallets. Not because I taught him, but because he liked leather wallets and wanted to show me. Handle animal checks are great.
>Edgar Crow, master thief
10/10 would make familiar

Instead of having a troupe of lovable chimney-sweeping orphans to steal money for me I could have a murder of thieving crows. I'M DOING THIS. If a crow ever steals your money just know that The Red Death has struck again.
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Dont play with my heart, there is no way something that awesome can be real, you are telling me, you had a pet crow that stole you money?! Mind fucking blown.
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>Attempting to use Chopsticks and failing miserably on some Chinese food.
>Fly starts buzzing around
>Snap at it with the chopsticks to shoo it away
>I actually manage to grab it in the chopsticks
I still can't eat with those damn things though
I swear to god that bird understood English. I used to be a burglar in college when I needed cash, I learned how to picklock and a bit of safecracking.
One time when I broke into a house that I had been observing for a while I brought Edgar on a whim and told him as a joke to myself "Go up to the roof and caw if you see a car pull in." I pointed to the roof and I had already trained him to fly to where I point so he perched above the garage. As I'm rooting through their jewelry I here some cawing outside and panic. I pocket as much as I can and jump out the second story window grabbing a branch on the way down breaking my fall. I casually walk around the house and onto the street and call Edgar as I see the garage door open and a car pull into the house I just robbed.
Best animal familiar ever.
I suppose my real life class should be rogue instead of ranger now that I think about it
>not having insanely high Charisma

Shiggy diggy, it's awesome living life like this

Crows are actually able to speak English (albeit distorted because they don't have our shapes of mouth/tongue). Crows are smarter than dogs, on average.
2tru. And if you know how to pull off an "I'm an awkward fuck." card, your mistakes can seem charming.

Wow, that sounds like some moeblob shit now that I think about it.
I just walk around being handsome and rad all the time--it's easier than learning humility. Gyms: you can go to them.
And crows even have a crow language, and can recognize and perfectly describe faces to other crows. Why the hell aren't more people trying to learn crowspeak?
Just two days ago, i dodged a bike without looking.
No, the dude didn't miss me, if i hadn't taken a step back i would probably have broken something, that dude was going fast.
What do you call that, perception? Spidersense?
Crows rarely have anything nice to say.
Crows are smart like that. I approve of creating an army of crow thieves so I never have to work again.
Me, my friend and his girlfriend were sharing some refreshments at a bar. There was only one chicken wing left so we decided to roll 1d20 for it. My friend rolls a 4. His girlfriend gets a 19.
I go: "nice try laura, but you can't beat the game master at his own game".
And I roll.
And I actually get a fucking 20.
Tastiest chicken wing of my whole life right there
Spatial Awareness? Maybe you're a newtype.
I've had many the 20, be it hurtling a piece of rebar and knocking down the entire fence of a local construction site (When I was younger), catching myself before falling down very precarious stairs that were iced over while carrying a fiberglass shower, and another nat20 Drive check where I surely would have barreled off a bridge during a hurricane, but all of those pale in comparison to a Divination check I made about three years back. I was talking to a mutual friend of mine, introduced to me by my girlfriend. She was showing me one of her friends on facebook, and needless to say, we were smitten. I pulled a Waynes World and claimed "She will be mine... Oh yes, she will be mine." even though she was in a stable relationship and had been so for years.

Needless to say, three years later, after getting to meet her for the first time IRL, she was naked in my bed, after 4 hours. My roommate/best friend was there for the declaration, and gave me a brofist for it, saying I had to be fucking psychic for that one.

Recent nat 1 was destroying my ACL, PCL, and Meniscus while falling down drunk. Worst reflex save ever.
It was pretty easy to train him all I had to do was give me a dollar and take it from him and then give him a treat.
He eventually got it and soon enough he was coming home with dollars in his beak, one time he came back with a hundred and I gave him a bit of steak as a reward.
I play the charismatic, somewhat handsome nerdy type. My job's physical labor, so I'm strong but not ripped. Basically, I'd be just another nobody, not particularly eye-catching or revolting, but with my charm, it makes everybody be my friend since there's no pressure from being out of their league nor too disgusting to associate with.
I had to look up what that meant.
Mite b cool
Roll d20: Obtain Chicken, DC 20
How do you go about buying a crow?

I've always liked them, this is just icing on the cake.

Probably your mind taking a dozen subtle clues, putting them together, and then taking action before you were conscious of an actual threat.
Right, I forgot I wasn't on /m/. Basically get yourself a giant robot and you'll be untouchable.

This guy raised a crow. They're wild animals for the most part, not for sale.
What kind of crow was it exactly.

Yeah, that happens all the time, it's normal.
And then you realise how many times you came close to getting hurt or dying. It's terrifying.

The trick is learning to read your subconscious reaction to things. It's a learned skill that some people call 'luck'.
>And then you realise how many times you came close to getting hurt or dying. It's terrifying.
It really is. I dodge shit all the time without realizing it then about two seconds later I go "Oh fuck what". I fucking hate driving because of it.
Depends what country you live in. In America it's illegal to own crows or ravens unless they're from Africa, this is due to some migratory bird law in the US you can buy them but they're upwards of a couple thousand. I raised this crow myself from a chick that I found next to it's dead mother which is still illegal but I lived in a place where no one got on my ass about it.
Yeah, that's probably closer to what I'm trying to describe. Regularly roll 20's on Disguise Power Level too.

Exactly. A lot of people miss out on this.

So, I'm one of those people whose spatial awareness extends into my car about 99% of the time. It's that 1% where suddenly there's a car out of nowhere that freaks me out. Lots of nat 1 awareness followed by nat 20 driving.


I've always maintained that luck was a skill, now I have a better understanding of what I meant.
I think he was an American crow but I could be wrong and he could have been a raven, I don't know I'm no ornithologist
>Crow enjoys greater reward.

>Learns to distinguish between bill denominations.

>Crow learns math

>Crow learns to read and starts buying up stock options.

>begins directing huge cash flow into your bank account in exchange for infinite steak.

>Becomes spherical and pimps about with lady crows as scrubcrows look on in jealousy of his swagger.
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If Charisma = good looks and social ability then I have low Charisma, but if Charisma = social ability then I apparently have really high Charisma. People just seem to love me for no reason. I'll admit that I'm not exactly a looker, yet I've managed to snag a beautiful girlfriend and no one can bring themselves to hate me. I figure I should stay on topic though; the last time I rolled a nat. 20 in real life was about a year ago when I first started hanging out with the girl who would become my girlfriend:
>be me
>19 years old
>playing Resident Evil 4 on the Wii with 8/10 girl w/ big breasts
>She is sitting in front of me while I'm straddling her with my legs and I have my arms around her so the Wiimote and nun-chuck are in front of her
>Go to reload so I shake the Wiimote
>knock her boob on accident
>"Oh shit, sorry about that!"
>she giggles a little bit, "Y'know...I don't really mind..."
>Decide it's time to roll for Charisma
>"Well in that case..."
>lightly push my hands into her boobs
>She moans, grabs my hands, and pushes them into her breasts
And that's how I ended up touching my first boobs, sucking my first titties, fingering my first vagina, and receiving my first blowjob all the while listening to ambient RE4 sounds and having a Wiimote attached to my wrist.

Playing my favorite game while having some intimate moments with my favorite girl...I honestly couldn't have asked for a better situation.
I occasionally unintentionally roll a 20 on stealth. Sometimes, when people look for me, I can be in plain sight, and it'll take them forever to notice I'm there.
Or maybe it's that my hearing and awareness from all those years masturbating carried over to real life.

Lots of different American Crow species, tbh.


I do that usually without trying. I mean, when I try to be sneaky, I often roll low. But sometimes I just come up behind someone, and when I speak, they freak the fuck out.

I had a friend convinced she could feel peoples' personal bubbles. I freaked her out when I turned mine down to zero.
Exactly what happens to me all the time, I completely fail to see something coming but manage to avoid it anyways. One time I was about to change lanes and suddenly jerked the wheel in the opposite direction, when a fucking bright orange hummer going twice the speed limit sped right past me.

How a neon orange Hummer manages to get into my blind spot I'll never know, but it didn't even hit me until it was around the next corner than "Holy shit I just subconsciously avoided a car crash"
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That happens to me a lot. It's weird cause I'm like 6'1", I can't not stand out in a crowd. I always accidentally startle people too.

Oh, and a nat 20 on a Charisma check
>First job was at a movie theater
>Slow day in the box office
>Me and one other employee there, we don't have much to actually do
>For whatever reason we notice people often look at both of us before walking over to one to buy tickets
>We start telling them to just go to whoever they like better
>28 people in a row go over to me
On my 21st birthday I rolled a nat 20 jump check

>Parents take me out for 21st
>Go to Friday's (I think..)
>Eat, have a beer
>Dad says not to be shy and asks what liquor I like to drink
>Parents feed me shots of Maker's Mark for the next hour
>Drop me off at a hotel my older brother rented a room at for the weekend
>Older brother gets me more drunk
>Room is 3rd floor, has a balcony that I can see the pool from
>He tells me to get ready to go swimming and goes downstairs
>get swimming trunks on, step onto balcony to smoke a cigarette.
>drink another beer while smoking
>brother yells at me to get my ass down to the pool.
>Walk back to the door to the hotel room and flat out run
>Jump off of balcony, realize that the balcony is
not nearly as close to the pool as I thought
>start rethinking my drunken decision
>dive into the pool, probably the best dive I've ever done
>get kicked out of hotel maybe 30 minutes later for being a drunken asshole
I was, in fact being a drunken asshole that deserved to get kicked out of the hotel.The dive may not have been as awesome as I remember since Bourbon haze was in full effect.
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That great DM rolled a nat 100 on my random encounters table, then rolled at nat 100 on the loot table after the encounter.

>MFW I won $50,000 prize off a lottery ticket.
Sports are the easiest for this:

>ice hockey
>2-on-1 after offensive zone turn over
>puck carrier shows pass the entire way
>Attack of Oppourtunity, backhand one-timer at the edge of the crease with goalie reading the play
>Natural 20
>near top corner, post and in
>"How did you score that?"
>"I don't know!"

I've also rolled a Natural 1 on a Reflex save and sprained my right MCL falling into the boards. If I didn't have a decent score in Constitution, it could have been a lot worse.
Heh, that reminds me of a weird story, I guess it's a nat 20 on a concentrate check
>hanging out with GF
>playin dat fightan vidya online
>in a room with people of my skill level, matches are all really close and fun
>she is talking and I'm not completely ignoring her, I am responding to her questions, obviously paying more attention to the game though
>she starts rubbing my leg
>my turn to play
>she starts nibbling my ear/neck and more intently rubbing leg
>win first match
>takes off her shirt and unzips my pants, full on paizaru
>win second, and third match
>blow job
>4th, 5th, 6th match won in a row
>straddles me, no penetration, just rubbing her vag against my cock, I'm leaning to the side, arms behind her, still winning matches
>10, 11, 12
>she jams it in
>18, 19, 20
>I cum with the force of an angry god
Nothing exciting, but at Boy Scout camp I fired five .22 rounds through the same hole.
Damn dude, I'm jealous of that concentration skill. My gf and I never finished Bioshock Infinite because she couldn't keep from teasing me and I couldn't keep myself from returning it. Oh well, happy distractions and all that.
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Sex and high impact violence.

Not quite high impact sexual violence, but good stuff none the less.
I went to a summer camp once and there was a wasp nest at the far end of the firing range, so there was always a wasp or two around the targets at the end of the range. I managed to hit two in a row.
I had to read that twice, at first I read in a room as in you were in a room with several other people present plus your gf.

It was interesting both times.
I think it was only because it was a fighting game, and I was playing other people. like, the competative aspect kept me focusing on it. If it was like GTA or something I would have said fuck it and gone to town.
Good thing you stopped or your head would have been gone.
On a side note, I really wish I would've taken that stupid Wiimote strap off of my wrist. There's a safe sex joke in there somewhere, but I'm too lazy to find it.
Damn, dude. Now THAT is a natural 20.
Imagine if you weren't wearing the strap. You could have accidentally flung the damn thing. Nobody gives titties with a Wiimote in the eye.
I'd say that's several in a row, at least two.
Ooh, I've got a sports nat 20 that starts with a nat 1

>going to outfield after awesome at-bat
>pitcher from other team throws the ball at me
>nat 1 on perception
>"Anon! Head's up!!"...huh?
>ball hits me in the eye, breaks my cheeck and nose
>coach puts me on the bench for the rest of the inning
>next at bat, asks me if I can play
>eye cheek already bruised and swollen so that I can't see out of my right eye, nose won't stop bleeding. Convince coach I can bat again.
>Pitcher is shaking, can't believe I'm still in the game
>nat 20...Hit a line drive off the first pitch directly into the pitchers groin, he didn't wear his cup that day
>walk to first base with middle finger extended.
*my cheek is
I cannot into the english language today
Many years ago, where I used to live, we had a lot of wasps, so much so that in the summer the fuckers were constantly making nests on our porch.

My dad had bought me a big ass super soaker to play with my friends at the pool for my birthday in april. One day, my dad gets this idea to use it to get rid of the wasps, a little bit of soapy water in a directed stream will kill the buggers by poisioning them or ruining their wings.

By the end of that summer, I had hit some in mid flight with that water gun.

Next summer comes round, I pulled out the gun, it's not working. Seals have been damaged and it's holding no pressure...dad comes by, oh, hold on. Takes gun, 10 minutes later, nat 20 knowledge engineering, comes back, I fixed the seal for you son. Also, I found this...pulls out a pistol shaped soaker gun.

A week later, we're both rolling 20s shooting those damn wasps out of the sky.
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Captcha eats my pic
Captcha why you do dis
> deserved sufrink
No capcha...it's not fair.
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My own Nat 20 Shooting story:
>Be at Boy Scout Camp
>10 years old, nerd
>Never picked up a gun before
>Get put behind a repro of a '03 Springfield
>Fire first Shot
>Absolute Bullseye, complete dead center
>Everyone's dead silent
>Rich Smartass speaks, bets me $50 that I couldn't do it again.
>Put the rest of the clip (4 Rounds) in that same hole, one after another.
>mfw I won over $200 in bets at age 10

To this day I'm still the best shot out of everyone in or from my former Troop, and currently I'm trying to hunt down that very same Rifle so I can use it for my WWII GI Reenactment.
>removing shoes while indoor

Good luck making a hasty escape when terrorists attack
Don't you know wearing shoes is an impediment? Haven't you seen Die Hard?
>not switching from loafers to tennis shoes while singing a pleasant song before providing children with valuable life lessons ultimately applicable to any age
He's dead Jim.
There is a lesson here about knowing when ignoring a girl can get you farther then paying attention to her, but virgin anon clearly needed to take initiative in his situation while gf anon knew he was going to get sex anyway.

Still, to gf anon is ignore_wenches_acquire_lucre.exe personified
>>I don't take responsibility for my actions that have led to this point. I blame it on fate/1's/jeebus.
True words man, I used to be depressed, stuck in the friendzone, everyone's shoulder to lean on, friends taking advantage of me, etc. Then I got fed up with it all, decided that I needed to worry about myself. Ditched my toxic ass friends, got my shit together, got out of the friendzone, made better friends,and generally feel like king of the fucking world.
I used to be a sad fuck, then I got into drugs. No shit, thanks to shrooms, LSD and good ol' weed I've made all of my current friends, managed to hook up with 3 different girls, the works
>be in 9th grade
>asleep in math class
>"anon, will you please go up to the board and solve the problem"
>snap awake, glanced at the text book I was drooling on to familiarize myself with what we were doing
>one problem though
>I had a boner

>I get to the board
>it's something I had a fairly tenuous grasp on (I can't remember exactly what)
>take a guess
>slowly turn around
>"good job anon, you may go sit down now"
>as I walk back to my seat, some black dude gave me a high five
>no one saw my boner

It was incredible
unless he was realllyyyy big he bprobably wasn't a raven, they are like twice the size of a crow.
>no one saw my boner

why do you think that black dude gave you a high five, he wanted you to fuck his extra chocolatey ass.
Not sure if it's Charisma or bluff, but-

>Be at party.
>Friend acting like a dick, won't shut up about 'picking up chicks'.
>Finally sick of him enough to actually go to hit on people.
>See girl I know standing by herself.
>Walk over and literally pick her up.
>She asks what the fuck I'm doing.
"Picking up chicks."
>She thinks about it for a second, laughs, and starts directing me over to a couple of other girls she knows.
>Friend catches up to me when I have three girls.
>Tell him I'm at thee and he's at zero, he says it doesn't count since no sex.
>"Says who?" asks fist girl, before the first two kiss me on either cheek while the third one starts rubbing my chest all seductively.
>Friend leaves in a huff.
>We all laugh at his expense.
>End up ACTUALLY hooking up with the first two girls, and ended up dating the original.

I honestly thought she was a lesbian, but it turns out she's more of a monogamous 'if it's pretty' type of person.
>if anything goes wrong it's always the person themselves who's to blame
Try telling that to a mentally ill person, a person born into suffering and poverty, etc.
Sometimes life is just cruel.
I'm pretty fucking tired of hearing about how everything's my own fault. Didn't you read the "no matter what approach" thing? I'm not just sitting here whining about my life on the internet for no reason, I've actually tried, tried looong and hard, to make things work, but no matter what everything just goes to shit for me.
But I'm glad you are happy and privileged enough to be able to sit there and spout opinions like that about strangers you know nothing about.
I blindly bitchslapped a coyote mid pounce and intimidated it's bitch into backing off.

Little bastards were hongry.

I've literally been struck by lightning before.

I was walking home from a friends house when a freak bolt on a mostly sunny day came out of nowhere and fucking zapped me. Turned a few hairs grey, but luckily didn't cause any serious lasting damage.

I like to trot out that story whenever someone says 'everything bad about you is your fault'. Yeah, a lot of it is, sure. Most of it even.

But not everything.
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Thanks for actually agreeing with me, more or less.
Did you get any cool superpowers, anon?
Were you drunk, fearless, dumb, or a combination thereof?

Nah. Well, I guess if you count being able to immediately shut down the whole 'everything is your fault' argument 99% of the time then yes.

The other one percent usually asks about what I did to piss off God enough to warrant a warning shot.
Fat, slow, and living in a former farming town.

Fuckers started stalking me while walking from a friends house,
How did it end Anon?
Damn, I live in a pretty rural area too, but the coyotes here are pussies
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This is all I can think of, and it happened years ago so I can't really remember that well.

>be 6 or 7
>at a nice mall with a video game store
>go into the video game store to look around
>gamecube is in its prime, they have soulcalibur II on a running console instore
>start playing against these two guys who were probably 16
>repeatedly stomp them with link
>they leave
>my mother buys me the game

Natural 1 for Charisma

>be in japan a few years ago
>large group of schoolgirls wave and cheerfully say hello to me
>i mumble hello back
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>at the M203 range a few years ago
>sights are screwed up beyond redemption, have to kentucky windage with a grenade launcher
>hit all the needed direct hits, get ready to shoot at area targets
>range cadre tells me to shoot at some infantry silouettes
>fire, hit the barrel of a tank silhouette 30 feet to the left
>cadre, my NCO, and my collective faces when
>perfect score

Still together, actually. We're not ready to get married or anything yet, but we've basically accepted it's a 'when' not 'if' thing at this point.

Friend was calmed down about the whole affair when I talked to him a few days after the party, still friends despite us occasionally having our moments.
>yes I'm an earl AND a gamer

That fucking got me, well played
This is fucking comedy gold,10/10 sides in orbit.
>Did you get any cool superpowers?
Corollary: Are you black?
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It's always nice when things have a happy ending. I might have to steal that "Picking up chicks" routine.
This should be archived, if only for Edgar Crowson, Gentleman Thief

It's a hilarious way of escaping the 'friend' zone.

Non-aggressive way of showing attraction and intent disguised as a joke. Gets the gears turning in the right way.

>Disclaimer: unless you are on relatively friendly terms with the first girl you try to grab, there are high odds of you getting tazed.
My father has been rolling nat 20s on charisma checks and Charm ever since he met my mother. Smalltalk anywhere, with anyone, all his students love him, all my friends think he's alpha as fuck. I swear, I've never met anyone who didn't like him who didn't later break down and admit he's a cool guy.
>walking back from campus diner
>see group of about 5 or 6 incoming
>it's just about midnight, so I can't see faces
>nat 20 perception
>I'd recognize my friends' walks anywhere
>be black
>wearing a black tee, dark jeans, black sneakers
>+8 to stealth
>walk right the fuck past them
>time myself so when I'm in facial recognition range, I'm totally in shadow
>walk a few steps, then turn around and join them
>they freak out after about 10 seconds
Nat 20 reflex
>Be in middle school
>One side side of the gym with one of those big wall separating it from other side
>Go around to other side for whatever reason
>As soon as I turn corner DODGEBALL INCHES FROM FACE
>Lean back and matrix dodge that shit.
>Dead silence
>I toss ball back to them and go on with what I was doing, didn't say a thing

I also rolled a metric ton of Nat 20 stealth checks. I had a habit of being in a group conversation, taking a step back, moving to another spot in the group, then making people jump when I talked, with them wondering when I got over there.
Someone get me that screencap of the dad rolling nat20 for Flurry of Blows to fight off hornets.
I'm imagining you carrying them all at the same time: one on each arm, one straddling your back.
No one picks chicks up like Gaston.
Nat20 Stealth

>Few years back
>Really sick, something I ate
>Hershey floes all night and day
>In car
>Aw shit, the beast is knocking
>Driving like a maniac to the nearest gas station
>Don't make it
>Screaming in the car, literally screaming
>Get out of car, calm
>Walk into gas station, go to bathroom.
>Drop my soiled underpants into the bathroom garbage
>Clean up as best I can
>Walk out, again calm. I feel much better
>Buy chocolate bar
>Man tells me to have a nice day
Nat 1 Spatial Awareness
>5th grade
>Walking to the cafeteria talking to my friends
>Walking backwards while I talk
>Almost at our usual table
>Turn around
>Smack face first into a pillar

That's actually what happened. Granted, they were all pretty small Slim and/or short so it was like carrying around 1~1.5 normal people.
Nat 20 bluff check
>High school math class
>Talking to fellow classmate from P.E.
>"So anon, are you ready for pickleball today?"
>Random student overhears conversation
>Asks what pickleball is
>Classmate and I both say it's football played with a pickle
>Random student doesn't believe us at first
>We explain the various differences, such as instead of spiking the ball upon achieving a goal, you eat the pickle instead
>Kid believes us for 3 days
>Only realizes we're full of shit when his P.E. class starts playing pickleball too
I've literally never met anyone outside my high school who's played pickeball.
For the uninitiated, imagine ping pong on half a tennis court. It's best played in a gymnasium.
Why, you ask?
>playing pickleball
>ball gets lobbed from the back
>coming down just inside my pair's half of the court
>roll to dive
>roll for dramatic flair
>powerslide in while playing air guitar with the paddle
>smack that shit onto the other side for the point
Not me but one of my friends got a nat20 in dodge-ball once.
He does a dive forward roll and catches a ball before throwing it straight into a guys face knocking him down.
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>Hiking through mountains
>Come upon a mountain lake, decide to rest.
>Other people show, up join me.
>Bubbles form up in the lake, a woman asks whats causing them.
>Roll nat 20 on bluff
>"That there are mountain dolphins, ma'am!"
>Erryone starts taking pictures of bubbles like crazy.
Now that you mention it, yeah, I've never seen pickleball or met anyone who's played pickleball outside of my highschool, either.

Some more highschool P.E. related moments:
>Playing dodgeball
>Only one left on my team
>Generally considered to be useless as fuck, since I'm not athletic
>Other side stops throwing the balls and lets me finish using up my ammunition
>Most of my team has given up hope, only my friends continue to believe I can pull this out of my ass
>It begins
>The sun would have been blotted out by the sheer number of dodgeballs, if we had been outside
>Start weaving around the field dodging every ball thrown at me, waiting for the right moment
>A ball flies right at my face, hits me, but I catch it before it hits the ground, so I'm still in and the first person in line is back on the field
>Throw him the ball I just caught, since he's the best arm on our team, and as soon as he catches it he throws it at the other team and hits on of their best players
>Catch another ball immediately after, other team is nearly out of ammo, and we have our two best players on the field again
>The tides have turned.
So... a series of nat 20 reflex checks? Not even sure what that would all be.
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>mountain dolphins
PE is a magnet for nat20s, especially from the least athletic people.
Either we all went to the same high school or there's some quantum physics fuckery where EVERYONE from every high school only knows people from their high school that have played pickleball
Or pickleballs only exist on high school campuses. They literally cannot pass across property lines.
Not sure what this one would be classified as... nat 1 on balance, maybe?
>Same P.E. class
>Playing indoor soccer (raining outside)
>A teammate, a member of the other team, and myself all get the ball stuck up against the wall
>No one can get an angle to get it past the rest of the group
>Finally see an opening!
>Take aim, power up the kick, aaaaand....
>I'm on the floor.
>Wait, what? What am I doing here?
>The other two from the struggle for control on the ball are standing over me, with blank faces
>"Dude, are you okay? You kinda just... fell. Like, there wasn't any sound, or anything. It just... happened."
To this day, I have no idea how this happened.

Either of these sound like they could be possible, but I'm leaning more towards the quantum physics fuckery, myself.

This could also be plausible.
>I also rolled a metric ton of Nat 20 stealth checks. I had a habit of being in a group conversation, taking a step back, moving to another spot in the group, then making people jump when I talked, with them wondering when I got over there.
One of my favorite social past-times.
In the Rockies their diet consists mainly of the Rocky mountain oyster.
I have heard that unlike their ocean cousin they are rather reserved and chaste. Is this true
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I thought it was a fake subject until my predictive text said otherwise.... To google!
I'm not particularly religious, but imma say god put that ball there and you weren't meant to take it down.
I don't think he means the ball was literally stuck on a wall - he and the other players were just kinda crowded around the ball, and a stalemate happened. You see it more with hockey.
In that case god hates him.

You'd probably see it a lot more in soccer if it was played indoors.
>be living inna semi-rural Oklahoma
>be working at friend of my mom's horse stabling and ranch thing
>hear horses flipping shit
>look up
>nat 20 on Perception
>three fucking coyotes, prowling around the paddock of a recently birthed foal and mother
>drop pitchfork, take off running
>nat 20 Agility
>hop fence of paddock
>shriek Gaelic warcries
>nat 20 Initiative and Attack of Opportunity
>punch one of the coyotes in the face

To this day, I have never been able to recreate hopping a wooden horse fence in a kilt perfectly, to punch a coyote in the face.
You multi-classing sonofabitch.
Here's a story about a nat 20 stealth check of mine

>evicted from apartment due to roommate being a shitty person
>crashing on couches while I save money thanks to god-tier friends
>house of friends decide to go to the bar, invite me along but I decline trying to be fiscally responsible.
>Ask if they mind if I stay here and play vidya while they're gone, they say yes.
>hours pass, I get cold and tired, fall asleep on the couch under a pile of blankets
>eventually sink into huge plushy couch.
>Friends come home, picked up random bar girls for fun times.
>Friend 1 and girl sit on couch, start making out
>I wake up and realize what's going on
>Wait until they're laying down on the couch, getting into it
>Remove pillows from my head
"Is there room for one more?"
>screaming ensues while I can't help but laugh.
>nat 20 marksmanship
I draw dicks on my friends' targets when we go shooting. Wish I could throw stuff half as well as I could shoot though. But hey, thankful for the talents I have.
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My sides. I hope that didn't ruin his chances, though.
We had just started the campaign and they fought 5 skeletons. I rolled 5 20s. There were no survivors.
I'd fucking die, holy shit
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I once interrogated my psychiatrist.
He cried.
Unfortunately I did. I played wingman for him on the next night out though so I was able to partially repay him for the laugh. He also got revenge on me.
>two months later living in that house, had a roommate move out so I started paying real rent.
>had been dating a girl for a couple of weeks
>after a couple of drinks and dinner we start up a movie in the livingroom
>laying on same couch, making out, etc.
>roommate comes in, drunk beyond drunk
>stands in front of the projector, drops his pants
"Hey man...uhh the bathroom is just a little further"
>Whips out his dick and starts shouting
"Y'all seen this movie? Hey, Hey!! Y'all seen this movie?" while spinning it around.
Yes, this is what I meant.

This is most likely true.
>I was at a family party and some of us were about to move on and sod off to another party.
>get to party #2 have a few drinks and dance
>go to get another beer, look up, it's my elementary school bully
>engage in a conversation
>nat 20 diplomacy check
>we bro it up and party the rest of the night, we keep in touch.

That sum'bitch gave me a black eye the size of a golfball.
>12 years old
>Riding my bike
>Decide I want to show off
>Makes sure my moms watching
>Decides I want to try and hop over the curb
>Pick up some speed down a steep driveway
>Doesn't actually know how to hop, hits the curb. Hard.
>Bike does a full 360 flip, land flat on 2 wheels
>Everyone in my court flips out
If I rolled a 1, I probably would have broke my neck.
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>water balloon fight
>not participating, but a good 18-20 other people are
>one of my friends decides to be shit
>runs up to me with a water balloon, prepares to throw
>stare at them
>nat 20 intimidate
>they freeze, another friend goes "Do it! Throw it, go on!"
>they reply "BUT HE'S REALLY SCARY"
>Have cat from when it was a small kitten
>For some reason, it loves to play this "game" where I throw it across the room at something soft, and it lands, then runs right back to me to do it again
>We do all kinds of throwing tricks. I'll toss him into the air, and turn around, he catches my shirt as he comes down and sticks to my back, etc.
>Teach him to do it to other people
>When someone walks into my room, throw cat at them
>Flying cat lands squarely on their chest, bounces off, and comes back to sit in my lap
>+3 Returning Weapon
Please tell me you named him Captain Boomerang
That reminds me of a snowball fight that took place like two years ago.
I, was born with the creepiest fucking intentional smile ever.
It was the same situation, but I was really hoping that they'd throw it so I would become the living clone of the cock mongler and hunt them through the 40cm deep snow.
>be isolated, back-of-the-room lazy student
>be sleeping real hard in class
>no sleep last night, had to catch up somehow
>have bad habit of allucinating while sleeping
>wake up after a bit, look to the sides
>three guys
>one of them looks at me
"Fuck that fucker. What the fuck is he looking at? He thinks I'm some kind of faggot? I'll kick their fucking ass."
>stare back.
>keep staring
>they get visibly unconfortable
>fuck them. They brought it upon themselves
>not even blink. Keep dead-focused as an antisocial maniac hyping himself over his next prey
>they look at each other, then just give up and move to the front of the room.

Woke up for real an hour later. They were doing absolutely nothing, and barely aware of me before I went full stare mode. But my sleepy-hallucinating intimidation Nat20 sure showed them.
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Your cat is awesome, sir, and so are you. I don't have any cat pictures for some reason, so have a puppy in a bowl, instead.
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Oh my goodness.
Playing football my sophomore year of highschool, Take the handoff and natural one, I trip and shatter my ankle bone. I guess I rolled a 20 on my fortitude though, because I managed to play through the rest of the game and get 150 yards and two touchdowns.
Couldn't run on that ankle ever again though.... Went to the doctor two days later and found out I made the break worse by continuing to play. Whoops.
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>Continuing to play football with a broken ankle

I'm not sure if just saying "nat 1 on int/wis/a stat representing the most fucking fundamentally basic cognitive ability" quite covers how stupid you are

I mean, not to kick a guy when he's crippled, but jesus christ dude. What the literal fuck was going through your head when you realized your ankle was fucked up and decided "MEH, I'LL WALK IT OFF"?
Nat 20 reflex save/luck roll. I like to think of it as that Luck based PRC from CR that could turn a Nat 1 into a Nat 20.

So, me and my brother were playing with our young children cousins at a local playground, while my aunt, uncle and mother talked. I was 17 at this point.

Now, we started fucking around with the monkey bars. Pic related, but bigger and taller, about 6 feet at the apex. So me and my brother start walking up and down the bars, fucking around and doing dumb shit as teens do.

So, I get the bright idea of getting to the top, turning my feet so they're parallel with the bars, and shouting "Check it out!" at my mother.

I picked that exact moment to slip and fall, head first towards the ground. And I don't mean a little bit, I was so vertical that I didn't even touch the monkey bars on the way down.

To this day I have no idea how I managed this, because it was certainly not on purpose, but as I was falling six feet to a likely cracked skull, broken neck, or both, I had my arm out, cocked at just the right angle to catch onto the monkey bars side. I was flexed from falling, so I ended up swinging around and landing perfectly on my feet.

I didn't even stumble. And then I looked at my mother, aunt, and uncle(who were sure they were about to watch me die) and said the only thing I could think of:


My mother beat the shit out of me for that.
>Halloween, many years ago
>someone is peeling around town in their muscle car drive-by egging people
>they drive past me
>see the egg at me in mid air
>raise my hand to catch it, even though I realize the egg will likely break anyways
>manage to move my hand back with the egg while cupping, down and around
>egg does not break
>return fire
>egg the muscle car windshield
>hits some garbage gans
>run and hide amongst trick or treating children

Aside the hiding part, bretty gud. We rogue now.
Adrenaline is a hell of a drug.
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And then I forget the picture.
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Okay, this shit's just plain funny.

>MFW I never thought half this shit was possible until now.

This happens to me all the time, people neither see me or hear me coming.

Especially weird since I'm 290 lbs.
Have that one too.

I think it just has to do with the fact that I'm a quiet guy.
>I never thought half this shit was possible until a bunch of strangers on the internet claimed to do it

>Disclaimer: unless you are on relatively friendly terms with the first girl you try to grab, there are high odds of you getting tazed.
This. It sounds great for people who at the very least know you, but do it to the wrong person and you could get charged with sexual assault.

As far as rolling nat 20s IRL, OP, that's how I feel whenever I get a strike when bowling
even though I cheat by throwing left-handed
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>be 15
>playing soccer during PE class
>end up being the goalkeeper
>one guy on the other team is fairly talented
>has a contract, gets paid to play, the whole shebang
>outmanoeuvres my teammates, ball at his feet
>shoots from no more than four paces from the goal
>an absolute cannonball of a shot
>motherfucking Gordon Banks wouldn't have caught this murderous leather orb of destruction
>nat 20 reflex save
>somehow fling my left arm between said orb and a certain goal
>everyone's face when I saved the ball
My elbow hurt for two days. Worth it.

>I also rolled a metric ton of Nat 20 stealth checks.
Same, at some point I realized that I have a habit of moving silently - and that people often fail to notice that which is in plain sight, which also makes for easy pranking. Much fun has been had this way.
I've got some football (soccer) ones

>in PE
>in space right next to goal
>pass comes across
>try to pass it into the goal
>easy, open net shot
>nat 1
>somehow totally spoon it and knock it over the bar for a foot out
>no-one passes to me for the rest of the game

another one
>5 aside indoor game
>other team is kicking off
>nat 20 reflexes
>run straight forward and intercept their first pass
>score within 5 seconds of the start of the match
>playing soccer

Not sure if British or American...
that fact that he called it soccer is a big giveaway

that or he could be from one of the many other countries that play it
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I had a creepy clairvoyance natural 20.

Christmas party (we are all 30+), time for gifts! My stepfather receives a package that looks like you figure would contain an action figure. I think to myself "Its a Jesus action figure!". Nobody at the party is even remotely religious (myself included). Sure enough, it was indeed a Jesus action figure. I never told anybody about that... until now.
>at a boys summer camp shooting some rifles since it was our activity
>be like 12, since year 1 every counselor has something in it against me
>riflery guy keeps trying to get my attention when I'm shootin, and then gets mad when I look away from the range when holding the gun.
>cannot focus, don't make the scoring part of the target at all
>finally with all my 12 year old might I just look at him and say "What the fuck do you want?"
>shoot right after saying that without looking down course
>he is mundo asspained
>get chewed out, don't cry because I am super cool now.
>finally get my target, direct bullseye from the only shot that hit the dark.
>banned from shooting for a week

worth it
Oh, and I forgot, Bluff checks. So many Bluff checks. The shit my best friend and I have made people believe is downright ridiculous.
>Yes [good friend] we've totally been begging in front of your house - old bloke there gave us this money!
>Yea, my sister brought this special tea back from Peru, now drink it - after which we served to poor bastard a mixture of hot water, yeast, chili powder and sugar. It tasted horrible. He drank it.
>Shut up, I AM Swedish, why on earth didn't you know? We've known one another for years!

Probably the best one boils down to
Queue a ten minute chase throughout the house involving goat droppings and more utterly ridiculous claims such as "I definitely bought this completely illegal weapon at the local discount supermarket" and "No you silly engineering student, this metal doorknob doesn't conduct electricity!" before our victim eventually got zapped, screaming "GAAAH MY EYE!" before he realized torches aren't tasers, and thus cannot electrocute your eyeballs - or any other part of you.
>that or he could be from one of the many other countries that play it
Bingo, anon. Used 'soccer' to avoid confusion with what Americans also call football.
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>at a small festival
>everyone playing with frisbees between bands
>one frisbee is rather damaged
>chipped, cracked and wobbly
>ask one of my friends to join
>friend comments on the deplorable state of said frisbee, saying "can't do jack shit with that"
>friend gets called by others and walks off
>time to show him this frisbee isn't worthless, methinks
>aim for the back of his head as I'm still sitting down
>flawless throw
>wobbly frisbee neatly grazes his hair from about 10 meters
>his face when he turns around and sees me sitting there with a huge grin on my face
Last 4 nights out I've rolled nothing but 20s

I'm a fat 220lb fuck and I ended up banging a model a few weeks ago, then a couple 9/10s and one more 10/10 just by talking to them

I have no idea what is going on, but I'm liking it. I'm thinking maybe after getting a really nice almost 6 dig job my confidence just naturally boosted
So they -do- smell the money on the sweat. Dang.
Was this girl named Caitlin?

I have a very similar story.
Man, link's grab was fucking OP. Yunsung 4 lyfe tho
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>not a magazine

Off topic but it's not a clip, clips are used to load magazines.

Just saying, don't shoot me.
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>Be 13
>Be legal immigrant
>Be 'Straya
>Be force in2 Cricket match by school cricket team
>Not knowing how2 cricket
>Know throwing/batting basics after watching three guys fail to shake off batsman
>Douchebags McGee batting
>I throw.
>Two wickets.
>Next batter, Douchebag's best friend, Dick Butterballs.
>Throw again.
>Another two wickets.
>Big Ass Motherfucker up to bat.
>This guy probably lifts monster trucks before breakfast.
>Ehh, what the hell, I was good the first two times.
>Everyone's face when I just scored another two wickets.
>Everyone's face when I just beat the entire cricket team's best batsmen.
>Everyone's face when I just scored the fastest "hat trick" in the team's history.
>I just threw my arms up and walked off.
"Bitches ain't got shit on me."
>Sing "U Can't Touch This" while walking off into the horizon.

They are still flabberghasted to this day. They even once tried to get me into the cricket team, but I was too busy starting off in DnD.
>03 Springfield
He's sort of right. Springfields are reloaded by stripper clip.
Technically you're both right. a 1903 Springfield is loaded by a Stripper Clip, but by definition it does have a Magazine.

Bravo to both you good sirs for knowing your rifles, I applaud you.
That's a Garand. the 1903 Springfield is a fixed-magazine, stripper clip reloaded weapon.

I think it's a 5 round internal, but it could be 10. I forget.

At any rate, holy shit you were shooting a.30-03 as a 10 year old and braining them? Gat dam.
5 round, .30-06. .30-03 was a failed replacement round for .30-40 Krag.
It's a 5 round internal.

And yes, I was. However the downside is that I can't seem to hit the broadside of a barn using a shotgun with anything else but a Bolt-Action Rifle, which is why in my other Reenacting Regiment (German Late War), I was the only one who took a Mauser.
I have a cricket one too.

>Be fieldsman because that's all I can do to any kind of decent level
>Playing vs another school
>Stop paying attention to the game for a couple of seconds because I saw a fucking magpie and I get supersitious and paranoid until I see 2
>Hear a crack, snap back into reality
>Ball is sailing way off to my left
>Nat 20 Reflex save
>Dive towards it, stretched out as far as I can stretch my lanky arse
>Catch it with the tips of my fingers
>Nat 20 Tumble
>Curl into a ball, roll sideways and back onto my feet
>see the second magpie pop up with the first on the roof

I was always the shitter of the team, so everyone ran across the field to pat me on the back out of pure disbelief I made a catch like that.
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Can someone translate this into English?
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>sitting around at uni on lunch break,
>Practising throwing cards gambit style
>Not doing well at it, because i've literally never tried it before this day
>turn to a friend next to me
>Check this out i'll get it through the vents on that locker
>throw card
>Nat 20
>It scythes through the air like a boomerang
>twists in the air and goes through the gap where the door is joined to the frame
>turn to friend
>He is stunned by my leet gambit skills
>I am Xmen
>MFW it was the poker rules card and I got it into the locker reserved for the hardcore Christian fundamentalists that tried to shut down the Tavern
Nat20 Reflex, Luck, Perception Check.

>Middle School
>Five Teams, with me in the middle.
>Full-on fortifications. Middle side gets first choice.
>Get stuck with the fat kids.
>I was lean as shit, small as a gnome at the time.
>All the fat kids down, me left to man the fort.
>They're all throwing at me now.
>See dodgeball inches from my face.
>Felt the air move like water as I move my head back.
>Spin my legs as two balls fly from different directions.
>Fake getting hit as another sweeps my shirt.
>Grab the ball that landed in my fort, make grenade throw back to where it came from.
>Bounced off wall, hear it hit two guys.
>Dodgeballs stopped. I poke my head out to see.
>They're all aiming at me. Oh fuck.
>Every team throws it all at me, all the balls just bounce off the fort, yet each takes out a person from a different team.
>Goes back into full-scale ball brawl.
>Just sitting in my now-foxhole, laughing all the way.
Forgive me if I'm mistaken, but I think he did the equivalent of the Cubs winning the World Series against the Yankees while also pitching a No Hitter.
The hell he did, that kind of shit would break the universe.
I had a reflex save that I can only attribute to Danger Sense:

>Sitting at desk with head phones on, listening to music and doing shit
>Back to the rest of the room
>Stop what I'm doing
>It occurs to me that I should turn around and look to the window over my bed
>Holy fucking shit
>My cat somehow pulled the screen out and was about to jump four stories to his death(directly under that window was a collection of scrapmetal)
>I get up lunged
>He jumps, disappearing as he falls
>I reach out and down, catching him by his tail without actually seeing him
>Pull him back in

I still can't believe. I had no visual or auditory cues what so ever. I just knew to turn around and look.
I roll a dickload of Nat20's on stealth checks somehow.

A good example of a completely different Nat20 is one on a Grapple check.

>Be sophmore in high school
> has brother by the finger while dicking around with friends
> flip his ass with just that finger in one hand
> motherfucking knew exactly how I did it, and my friends know, too
> They don't like it when I have a hold on them anymore
If you think about it, it IS translated into English.

You want it translated into American English:

TL;DR, I struck out three batters without any formal experience at pitch or baseball in general, and they were playing their A-Game, which made it extra dishonourable..
True and untrue at the same time. The 1903, like the garand, is a clip fed rifle with an internal magazine. The clip would be 5 rounds, and the internal mag would hold it.
More wrong than not.
/k/ has spoken, this Off topic conversation is now over.

Probably not, but it'd definitely make both Chicago and New York burn to the ground, one in celebration and one from Rage.
And yet, still nothing of value would be lost
No it was not, but that's kinda weird because the girl I was dating before my current gf was named Caitlin....weird.

My friend, not me, Critted a target in hand-to-hand combat.

> Weekend furlough from National Service.
> Go to Zouk with two buddies.
> A group of Malay boys are looking my way.
> One comes up to me and asks why I was staring.
> I say "I wasn't looking at you, leave me alone."
> He shoves me, and I shove him back, hard.
> His friend hits me with a stool, and I fall over, losing my glasses.
> The two of them begin to kick at me, very inaccurately. I can't seem to get up.
> My teetoaler friend and designated driver comes in from nowhere.
> My drunk buddy tackles the other guy, slams him nose-first into the bar.
> I throw up, just a little, on the fallen guy, as his friends come in. Some of it is into his mouth.
> My buddy drops the first one with an elbow to the face, punches a second one in the throat hard enough to knock him over, and full-out headbutts the third.
> One guy trips over me, and I maul him with wild punches as I try to get up.
> Still can't find my glasses.
> We flee to the car, and haul ass out of that.

My first buddy was a former Taekwondo champion. He was drafted into the Commandoes.
Sometimes that sort of thing is actually smell.
When another human or in this case creature are in various states of extreme emotion (Fear, anger or happiness etc.) we can sometimes subconsciously pick it up from the pheromones that they exude.

You know how some people say that dogs, cats etc can smell fear? This is a more literal application of that. In those cases it's no longer subconscious but the point still remains.
>Don't shoot me
Nothing of value as far as people go, because goddamn if that happened it'd be Genocide in both Cities.

The only thing of value would be the buildings.

Sounds like Friday night.
Garands are semi-auto, m8.
see, I am less annoyed by his use of the word and more annoyed by the overt fashion people move to correct it.

or the general shift to thinking its cool to bash fedora wearers. They have enough problems.
It wasn't an M1, it as a 1903 Springfield.
lucky fuck. most people pay for that shit, you just pay mother earth with some good ol fashioned gravity and BAM, she's got your back.
You missed a great opportunity to name him Edgar Allan Crow
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I think one of my lecturers rolled a nat 20 on Charisma check. Abrasive, antagonistic and the entire year loved him.

And here we see a Nat. 1 Spot Check, followed by a Nat. 1 Diplomacy and then a Dex fumble in action.
I've never even rolled a d20 in my life.

From what I learned on /tg/ I guess this could be considered an irl nat 20 in roleplaying.
>Be 10
>Trick Or Treating in friend's neighbourhood as Link, with Batman and Egon Spengler
>Mistaken as girl often
>Older kids start shooting roman candles at us
>Egon and the goddamned Batman run
>Have practical shield made by grandfather
>"You can't beat the boss like that!"
>Intimidate 20, enemies loose iniative
>Should have dressed as Captain America
>Come home with blood and scorch marks on my shield
>Best Haloween ever

For Edgar
Had one teacher pull a nat 20 bluff.

It was one of those days he had where he didn't have any lessons planned because he didn't feel like doing shit today. When suddenly bam, in walks a higher up for their random class observing. Teacher proceeds to act like he was teaching all along and pulls a lesson plan out of his ass. Person leaves about 10 minutes before class ends and teacher stops, sits back at his desk and does nothing rest of the day.
I was hanging out with some friends one night when it was about time for them to leave. The lights in the garage were off though, and because of the weird wiring in the house I had to go into the bathroom to hit a switch to turn them back on. I packed up my laptop, headed up, and hit the switch.

Suddenly one of the guys starts coming up the stairs. He's not saying anything and comes through the open bathroom door. Turns out he got sick from overeating and throws up in the sink.

I was standing right there just a moment ago but I had backed away without thinking about it. I then made my way around him and out of the bathroom so I could put the computer down, and then check on him to see if he was alright.

The thing about this is that vomit got "everywhere." I have no idea how I managed to just avoid all of it while having no idea what was happening.
Okay, Nat 1 Con check, Nat 20 Reflex.

>I used to be able to force blood into my head.
>Did this one time waiting for class.
>Pass out briefly.
>Come to about half a second later, just started to fall.
>Catch self, still upright.
>Everyone else all concerned.
>"Nah, I'm good."
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My nat 20 drive check

>Taking friend back to his place from the ship
>It's a goddamn blizzard but my truck can handle this shit
>Barely doing 20 on the highway and I'm like the only on there
>Suddenly, spinning. Shit
>Better still, there's a pair of head lights coming my way
>Tap breaks and let it finish it's spin then kick in 4 wheel drive and right myself before the fucking semi-truck plows right into me

Nat 1 sense motive followed by a nat 1 will save

>Know this girl for a while and good friends with her.
>Really like her and want to elevate my friendship status to boyfriend
>Talking to her over facebook chat
>'Ere we go!
>Confess my feelings and get shot down hardcore
>My save will save versus spilling my spagetti is beyond bad
>mfw pic related

;_; will I ever know love /tg/?
that sounds hilarious. do you have any good shots of him?

It sounds like you could get spectacular close ups.
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>Be twelve
>Kid on a bike flies by and smacks me in the head
>I pick up a rock and throw it at him
>Hits his wheels jams it up and sends him head over ass into the ground.
Ran like hell for three miles because I thought the cops were coming
A long chain of crit fails turned crit success.

>Driving from Casper Wyoming to Seattle Washington in early Febuary
>Did it on the day of the worst snowstorm that year. (Crit Fail Survival)
>White out. Can't see anything, driving by vibration (those rows of divets on the side of highways? There so you can drive when you can't see the road)
>Drive for three hours in this. Maintain average of 50 MPH. (Crit success Driving)
>Clear snowstorm, approach clear, snowless highway. Forget about black ice
>Narrowly avoid crashing into highway median divider after hitting patch of black ice, swirl about the road, manage to regain control.
>Crit Fail memory about black ice after 2 more hours of driving, now in Montana.
>Get hit by strong winds doing 60mph over black ice. Crit Fail driving check, spin out of control, skid off the road, end up between highway on dividing hill.
>Crit luck. Nothing was broken, kitten unharmed (Brought my cat with me. I miss you Squizzy)
>Push car off dividing hill... Into a ditch.
>Climb out of ditch, and try to flag someone down for help.
>First vehicle to pull up is a service truck, with a heavy duty tow strap and chains on their tires.
>Pulls me out of the ditch, I get back on the road.
>12 hours later, I am standing on the Fauntleroy ferry, eating a bowl of chowder, happy to be home.
Nat20 reflex
>Be at 4th of July party at some girls house, friend of a friend
>"Hey Anon!"
>Friend for some reason throws a length of PVC pipe at my head
>Reach out my arm and pluck it out of midair without looking
>Girl whos house it was impressed enough to invite me into her room
>"Teehee, that was some great Jedi reflexes, Anon."
>Seductively tell her about the phenomenon of blindsight
>She praises my massive Lateral Geniculate Nucleus
Had this a while back.

Nat 20 Intimidate/Weather Control

>Raining hardcore
>Had bad day
>Yell "FUCKING RAIN" for some reason, think I dropped something tat could've been ruined by the rain.
>Rain stops

Most people would be hard pressed to do that intentionally to a person and you did it to yourself.
obviously he wanted you laid bro.
You were wearing a kilt the first time this happened?
Obviously that was what the Edgar was short for.
Read that as a "No Hitler"

Not sure which one would have been more amazing, really.
and the second apparently. No idea about the third.
Nat20 Reflex
>5 years ago
>Sitting in chair in high school spanish class
>Friend Travis sitting across from me at the table is sharpening a pencil with a hand-sharpener
>Has been sharpening for 5 minutes so the pencil could probably penetrate several centimeters of steel plate
>He shouts THINK FAST and throws the pencil point first like a dick
>See it coming, instinctively raise hands to protect face from the monomolecular-point of the pencil
>Feel no pain in arms, body, hands, or face
>Am I dead?
>Open eyes, see pencil stuck between right index and middle finger, tip pointed at me
>Caught it between my two fingers in midair

And that's when I started playing Ninja.
I don't know if I've had Nat20's or Nat1's, but I sure as hell have had some pretty incredible and some atrocious rolls.

>6 years old, with 4 year old sister
>At a cliffside overlooking a lake for a family/friends bbq
>Dad very clearly tells us to stay away from the edge
>Sister is all "fuck the police"
>a minute later slips and falls, barely catching herself
>Nat 20 Reflex/Luck as I jump and grab her arm before she slips
>Just meeting the strength check to hold her, while screaming for adults to help
>Have to stay in the back of our truck for the rest of the night

I've got a few more
not even a damn candy for saving her life.

lay em on us man.
I've got a dickload of Nat 1 Wisdom checks from when I was a kid.

>Live in shitty, cheap walled community set on hillside
>House at top of hill, friend lives at bottom
>Kinda hungry, grab an apple
>Hop on bike
>Begin rolling down hill, decide it's not a good idea to have apple in my mouth
>Nat 1 Wisdom
>Place it on handle and hold it down
>Force apple between the one working break and handle
>BIG hill, speed wobbles
>Swerve off road onto open lot
>Nat 1 Reflex
>Hit big rock, fly over handlebars
>Nat 1 Tumble
>Land face first on BIGGER rock

Apparently I walked back up the hill, dragging my bike behind me. I have no recollection of that or the trip to the hospital.
Fucking concussions man.
Will post more Wisdom fails.

>About 8 years later, in the backyard on our deck
>Dad tells me to go play with the dogs
>Decide to run and jump off the deck, thinking it'd be impressive (it was fucking 2 feet high)
>Nat 1 Reflex as I trip over the hose on the deck
>Dad had decided he would push me off the deck into the grass (hadn't noticed I got caught on the hose)
>90 degree change in direction
>Somehow stumble backwards at high speeds into one of our oldest rose bushes
>Slam into that fucking bush with thorns hard as rock at this point
>Nat 1 on constitution check, pass out
>Wake up a second later with my dad laughing as he pulls me out

He and I have different versions of that story, where apparently he was nowhere near me. It's a point of contention between us.
I have a few nat 20's of my mates

>friend pre-drinking before he goes out on the town
>drinks half bottle of vodka
>goes out
>friend offers to buy them all shots
>fails his perception check to know it was a shot of absinthe
>rolls a nat 1 for will save not to vomit
>pukes all over the bar in front of tons of people
>runs to smokers area to have a darb (cigarette)
>lights up and fails will test not to vomit again
>pukes over the side of the balconey
>runs to d-floor and starts to dance
>nat 20 charisma to hook up with hot bikie chick
>realises friends have left without him
>only $20 and cab is at least $40 (doesn't run from cabs because he is honourable)
>goes to the casino and puts it on black
>nat 20 for luck, makes $40 and catches a cab home

another time-be in PE in highschool, playing dodgeball
>last man on my team standing is this little asian kid who runs around like he is a fucking t-rex
>mate on the other team throws the ball, nat 20, asian kid fails reflex save and fucking FLIES, getting some serious air
>comes crashing down onto his face
>rolls nat 1 for his will save not to cry

>Same community
>Same friend
>Different hill
>Taking turns on home made pedalcart
>Find cool two meter hill to some other houses
>Fairly steep, lots of speed
>Nat 1 Wisdom
>I'm gonna be a badass and powerslide at the bottom
>Reach bottom, slam full to the right
>Nat 1 Drive
>Cart flips, completely leaves the ground
>Nat 1 Tumble
>Land directly under cart, legs splayed on either side
I had something similar

> Natural 20 charisma check
Convince girl and her/our mutual group of friends I'm a funny guy, and not actually virgin. It was totally a joke.

>Natural 1 on fear test
Unable to seal the deal despite her willing to do 75% of the legwork.

Anxiety is a bitch.
>training muay thai
>sparring with the guy who owns the gym
>he's been doing martial arts for nigh on 20 years
>he's a shorty so I go for a head kick, roll nat 20
>catch him completely off guard, right in the face
>he turns and grins
>nat 1 my perception and endurance check as straight away kicks me back in the face and knocks my ass on the ground

lesson is don't poke the cat.
Can't say I've had concussions from bike accidents, but holy shit I've had some pretty terrible luck with bikes (and I guess some good luck in avoiding consequences of said terrible luck).

>Riding my bike to school in the morning
>Hit a bump I've gone over many times safely
>Nat 1 Reflex as my bike flips forward, and I go flying over the handle
>Wreck my knees, arms, and my face on the sidewalk as I skid across it
>Nat 20 on Constitution check, as I just stand up, swear up a storm, grab my bike and walk the rest of the way to school
>Someone who was walking nearby saw it, was wide-eyed on seeing me and escorted me to school
>Sent to principal's office so they can call my mom, everyone who sees me looks at me like I'm a ghost
>Get taken to doctor by mom, he says I nearly broke my cheek bone which would have sent it straight into my brain (Nat 20 luck?)
>be in PE in gymnasium (like proper kind where they do gymnastics)
>fucking around on the giant trampoline and jumping into the foam pit (3m deep pit filled with large foam cubes)
>bounce trampoline into front flip
>misjudge angle
>realise I am hurtling down from 3-4m with my leg out stretched over the concrete lip of the pit
>if I hit it im going to shatter my fucking leg
>roll nat 20 for reflex save
>tuck my self into a tight ball and veryyyyyy narrowly avoid the lip
Some random guy in my childhood pulled a monstrous Nat 20 to avoid some incredibly damage/injuries.

>7 years old
>Parents and grandparents traveling around the mountains of British Columbia in an RV
>They get out to look at a vineyard on top of a mountain.
>Sister and I are in the RV while parents are chatting with an employee outside
>I, filled with guilt and mischief, decide to pull a lever on the RV
>I feel a shift and my family's RV with my and my sister in it starts rolling backwards
>It was parked about 10 feet from the edge of the mountain and will be tumbling off of it in a matter of seconds
>Parents are not close enough to do anything
>Bystander/employee standing near the RV, looks to be in his young twenties, sprints through the door of the RV without any hesitation and slams on the breaks with seconds to spare.

Cue shame and gratitude.
What possessed me to do something that stupid? I should not have had any idea about what the lever did but I think I knew innately.

>Same community
>Same friend
>Third hill, ten meters from concussion #1
>Say I can jump down vertical cliff because hardcore 8yr old
>Standing at top, looking down
>Look across to houses in the next lot over
>Level with second storey roof
>Nat 1 Wisdom
>Take massive runup, leap
>15 +3 Acrobatics
>Feels like a year of hangtime
>Ground lumbering towards me
>Knees collapse, get friendly with forehead
>Black out, legs spasm
>Leap backwards
>Come to just in time to experience my head cracking into ground
>Friends climb down cliff without incident
>Stagger to feet
>Sprained ankle
>Nat 1 Wisdom
>Decline offers of help
>Nat 20 Fortitude
>Walk the long way up hill #3 then the nearly 1K walk to friends house where parents were

To this day I maintain that I was a badass.
Another bike one
>Riding to school on the same bike
>Going down a reasonably steep hill towards a main street
>About to turn right onto the sidewalk
>Handlebar fucking break. It just fucking slides through the center piece that it fits into.
>Nat 20 luck as I throw myself and the bike down onto the street a few feet away from the intersection

I can't remember, but I think I forced that fucking handlebar back where it was supposed to be and kept on my way to school.
Reminds me of the time...
>I was throwing mitts with a couple other guys in the FOB boxing gym.
>My trainer/squad leader has me spar with this other guy.
*OtherGuy rolls diplomacy: nat1.*
>Squad Leader: No OtherGuy, you're going to fight Anon because I'm tired of you being a milk-drinking beeyotch.
>OtherGuy resigns himself to his fate and wins initiative.
*OtherGuy rolls ATK: nat1.*
>He punches me in the face, I grin, that was cute OtherGuy.
*Anon rolls ATK: nat20*
>Flurry of blows to the ribs, followed by right to the side of his head, two jabs and another right.
>OtherGuy drops.

In his defense, he got better the more SL made his spar. And SL rang my bell on more than one occassion.
Then there's the times I went to the public pool for all of 5 minutes.

>Olympic sized public pool, 30 mins from home
>Finally convince mum to drive sister and I during school holidays
>So hyped, haven't been in two years
>Head down to shallow end, used to dive in all the time
>Nat 20 Acrobatics
>Perfect swan dive, heading almost straight down
>Nat 1 Nature check
>Nose makes contact with the floor
>Pull back, spin over and surface
>3 Perception
>Holy shit, someone's bleeding
>Look down
>Enough blood to satisfy Kharn pissing out my nose

And then we went home and I was never allowed to dive into pools again.
It really is too bad that you survived
>have computer on desk behind monitors
>fapping and edging pretty hard
>roll 20
>10/10 cumming
>somehow got cum in my computer and it fucked up the GPU
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I was in a massive pileup back in february, right by the front. I successfully avoided getting sandwiched between two semis, but thanks to the ice I still couldn't stop. Slid back out of the shoulder to avoid a collision in front of me, slid back in to avoid a semi in front of me, but I ran out of luck and spun a bit off trying not to hit the barrier and totaled my car halfway through james bonding under the truck's trailer.

nat 20 driving, nat 20 driving, nat 1 driving,
I managed to cum so hard it hit the ceiling once.

Having to get a step ladder and a sponge to clean up after fapping is an interesting experience.
Everyone I know is convinced I have the worst luck here are a couple examples (ignoring abysmal dice rolling).

>Be 5 years old at a lake
>Group of teens throwing mud at each other
>Roll a nat one on perception
>Turn my head and get a ball of much straight in the face
>Go to the doctor to get my eyes flushed
>Eyes covered in patches for two weeks
>Cornea suffers massive scaring and fucks up my vision for the rest of my life

>Be in boy scouts
>Given my first knife
>roll a nat 1 on handle knife (untrained)
>Stab my self through the thumb

>Be in early middle school
>Get pushed through a second story window
>Roll a 20 reflex make an excellent recovery suffering no injuries from the fall
>Roll a nat 1 on landing location
>Fall into a pile of glass shards
>Slice my hands to ribbons
>Can never wear a ring on my ring fingers without agitating the scars

>Fast forward a few years in art class
>Using an exacto knife
>Roll use knifes (trained)
>nat 1
>Stab myself through the thumb
>Question how I still have fingers

>Be in high school now
>Roll to resist taunt
>Pass it
>Keep rolling over time with a negative modifier after each success
>Finally fail
>Roll initiative 18
>Roll find improvised weapon 14
>Roll use improvised weapon nat 20
>Pick up a pencil stab him through the shoulder then beat the shit out of him with a large book
>Sent to principle office with school police officer
>Roll diplomacy against principle and officer
>Nat 20 convince them other person started it and I was defending myself
>Get minimum punishment 1 day out of school suspension
>Other guy kicked out from school eventually becomes a drop out
>Later heard he died from something retarded

Don't get me started on why I can never own a nice car.
>In School one day
>Lunch Time
>Talking up a group of friends in the cafeteria
>Am standing with my back to a dickmuncher
>Dickmuncher throws a milk carton at the back of my head at my direct blindside
>Nat 20
>Reach back without turning around and catch it right before impact
>Turn round and level the dickmuncher with my best glare
>"Don't do that."
>Fear and Awe
I looked calm when I set the milk down as a spoil of war, but damn did I want to yell in victory. The friends still think that was matrix as hell.
>Don't get me started on why I can never own a nice car.
>Phone likes to send the back and battery flying out when I drop it
>Drop it while pulling my wallet out
>Hand moves down
>slap it
>It flies up in the air
>End up juggling it like a cartoon before finally catching it with my teeth
>Nobody saw, fortunately.
>guys on other team are shooting at my boys
>Thinks about S.T.A.L.K.E.R
>Decide to attempt a sneak around their left flank
>Nobody detects me
>Sneaks away with that nat 20 stealth.
>be in walmart, waiting in line
>dude behind me has little girl sitting in his shopping cart
>Little girl decides to stand up in the cart at the same time dad pulls the cart backwards
>girl falls out of cart, is about to slam headfirst straight down onto the ground
>Catch little girl before she hits the ground, possibly saving her life and definitely saving her from a severe head trauma
>freshman year of high school
>first day of choir
>some douche is punching me in the back
>Ender's Game is my favorite novel
>by this point, I'd read it at least 10 times
>remember the shuttle scene where he breaks the kid's arm
>realize he's punching in rhythm with the warmup
>"do re mi fa sol fa mi re do", punch, punch
>repeat the rhythm in my head a few times, and it's there every time
>next round comes
>"do re mi fa sol fa mi re do"
>roll for initiative
>spin around
>roll to grapple
>grab both wrists as he goes for the punch
>roll to intimidate
>give my best "really, faggot?" look, and say "Stop."
>he stops
>doesn't bother me for a couple weeks
I have gotten in more accidents (whether as a driver or passenger) than everyone I know combined.

>Be some young age
>Get hernia surgery
>Don't remember the exact reason apparently my organs didn't grow right as far as the doctor is concerned
>Get out of the hospital
>Go down the street to get some food
>Get hit by a GARDA armored cash transport van
>Get resubmitted to the hospital which was conveniently less than a block away

>Numerous times I have driven with someone and they get hit usually minor fender benders

>Driving an old shitty truck (first car)
>At a red light waiting for it to go green
>Car out of no where decides red means go faster
>Get rear ended at 45 mph and shoved into the middle of the intersection
>Get double t-boned by oncoming traffic
>When police arrive the dude in the van says he didn't know where the breaks were on his buddy's car
>Only injuries are minor cuts (most on my hands somehow)

>Get a new car that is my dad's old Pontiac Fiero which was about 30 years old, and had been driven on a the Indy 500 as a pace car
>Car is a death trap
>No electric anything
>No saftey gear
>Fiberglass body
>Engine in the trunk meaning on the mildest of road conditions if you tried to turn it would lose traction with the front wheels
>Living in Michigan during winter
>Roll to drive turn with bend in the road
>nat 1 car starts spinning wildly
>Roll to recover
>Nat 20 end facing the right direction and avoided hitting anything / anyone

Despite this happening numerous times I never got into an accident.
Of course I did the smart thing and bought myself a 2003 Ford Mustang and broke that streak real quick
I see what you did there.
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>12 years old
>Friend walking away from me
>Need to get his attention
>Pick up a plastic toy sitting in the yard
>As I throw it at him I think about how heavy it feels
>It was an electric drill with the drill piece still in it
>Whiffs past his shoulder and onto the ground in front of him

I don't get nat 20s, but I come really close to nat 1s
>be walking on narrow dirt road
>stanky, wet ditch on my right
>woman with baby buggy walking behind me
>fucking idiot zooms around the corner on his bike speeding like there's no tomorrow
>heading straight at us
>he is too fast to brake
>nat 20 reflex
>sidestep him and kick the side of his bike full force
>he and his bike fly into the ditch
>wants to yell like a madman first
>just glare at him and look at the buggy
>he calms down
>help him out of the ditch
>bike's wheels are completely bent out of shape
I don't have a specific story but I keep dodging imminent death (buses, falling objects, poison) and finding out afterward
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I was in Judo, and we were doing the end of semester ronduri tournament. I was fitted up against this guy wearing a jiu jitsu gi and about fifteen pound more muscle than I had.
The match starts, and I lock in, nervous about what's in store. It's typical push-pull until he pulls a bit and I lose my balance. He grabs my lapel and he's already starting to flip me over his shoulder. Inside my mind, I think "Oh shit."
Then I rolled the 20 on my reflex save.
I re-angle myself mid air and land squarely on my feet, using his insane disbalance from the shoulder throw to swing him up and over myself, scoring a point for the match.

Not the first time I pulled off a 20 in Judo, either. One time my friend came onto the mat, going for a silly "hurr I'mma judo grabbing you" thing. I grabbed his arm, forced his balance, jumped, and did SOMETHING, and suddenly he want from standing into some kind of hold that to this day I cannot figure out how I did.
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Fucking judo.
>edge for three hours
>entire body hurts because I haven't left my chair the entire time
>finally decide to open up favorite video and let her rip
>get a tissue situated right near the peak
>ejaculate so hard I nearly tear an ab
>take a few deep breaths
>tissue is dry
>shine a light on the floor to check for splatter
>no cum anywhere
>what the fuck
Check the ceiling
You came so hard, you jizzed into another dimension. The tissue's fabric was dry because you hit the fabric of the universe.
You never read about that guy who trained a flock of crows to pick up loose change on the city streets, bring it back to a money collecter for a treat?

Pretty interesting, crows are actually one of the most intelligent species of bird and have been known to use tools.
i have these weird swings of switching between 20's and ones, such as dodging a falling tree branch and getting nailed in the head with the train track signs that go down right afterwards.
why the fuck are you taking a D20 to a bar
Crows are smart man.
>God comes back from the bathroom
>sits back down at his desk
>refreshes Earthchan
>lucifer bursts into laughter from another room
Same reason he's the third wheel.
Basically what happened to me. The fact that I hadn't fapped at all for two days prior probably had something to do with it.

>telling a joke to friends, don't remember the actual story
>roll a 1, friends tell me it "wasn't a very good joke"
>go for a will save
>say "It wasn't a joke" and begin fake crying
>they start genuinely laughing, compliment me on my nice comeback
>NAT 20
>giving a fuck about being socially normal

Pick one.

Oh boy, that brings back some memories

>Be level 3 monk, Tae Kwon Do
>Go to tournament and compete in adult division because I'm 18. Fuck
>Meet my opponent
>Roll Initiative, Nat 1
>He rolls and crits on his attack
>Massive damage from snap kick to face. Wake up several minutes having avoided the light at the end of the tunnel.

In the end it wasn't so bad for me. My buddy got his jaw broken down the middle and dislocated in the same tournament.
Please tell me they didn't teach you to hop while you do a tornado kick. Pivot or nothing
>adult division
I always thought it hilarious how all the jokes and stereotypes are about one older guy in a class full of toddlers, but the average age in my classes was 30.
I just read an article that said crows use the average speed of the road's traffic not the speed of the individual car to decide when to abandon something on a road.

No hopping. If anything most matches were like quick draws really. Any serious damage came from a well timed Roundhouse or back spin hook kick (I've seen and felt more than my share to know).

And yeah, while we did have kids in the class, the average age was 18+ with the oldest guy being like 45 I think
Dodgeball story from middle school
So yeah, in P.E. We played dodgeball on wednesdays in the basketball court.
I played soccer at the time, godlike goalie, this is important for later.
>Only one left
>3 on opposing side
>They all go to throw
>REFLEX Nat 20 Spin sideways dodging one
>REFLEX Nat 20 drop flat on my stomach, second eats the air where my chest was
>REFLEX Nat 20 feet into stomach, leap forward; third eats air where my entire person was
>roll over onto my back, onto my side, pull in my legs: Nat 20 dodge the ball aimed at my legs, Nat 20 catch the one aimed at me
>bounce third ball with second, high dex bitches
Then I responded
>They have nothing left on their side of the court
>I gather all the balls
>Still holding one
>drop it
Remember how I said I was a pro goalie?
Well, this is some bullshit right here.
>soccer kick the dodgeball
>bounces off rightmost guy's arm, into leftmost guy's leg, into mid guy's feet
>none of them catch it
And that is what is called absolute god luck. Pretty sure whoever was playing me was getting a unique look from his DM or some shit.
>IRL quick-time event
> Swim meet when I was in Junior Highschool.
> Goofing around on deck. Show my friends I can make a whip crack sound with a coiled up towel.
> "Yeah, but can actually whip someone with it?"
> Try it on him
> Towel wraps itself around his neck and remains wrapped around their without any support
> He stops dead in his tracks. We share an oh shit look.
> Gently tug on my end of the towel to get it to unwrap
> I can actually feel it unwrapping itself
> Returns to my hand perfectly.

I wanted to try and do it again, but no one was willing to volunteer.
I haven't had many 20's but I had a definite 1.

>be kid
>see massive dirt pile at construction site
>the size of a fucking mountain at that age
>start climbing the steepest part
>almost at the top
>pull root
>nat 1 climb check
>root losens a bunch of dirt
>large rock hits me in the forehead
>wake up on the ground a while later
>go home with blood and dirt everywhere
Felt like it.
All the way up until that motherfucking kick.

I haven't kicked that fucking well before, nor since.
I honestly expected just to hit rightmost, then reload with the collected dodgeballs for quick game.
Hell, I was readying up for a second kick when everybody on my side started cheering and the gym teacher called match.
My new drawfag goal: make that post into a comic, complete with button prompts
Did that thing crawl out of a sewer?
Nigga you must be covered in money from all those lawsuits.
quite the opposite I don't report them because my insurance won't cover anything and all they will do is make me pay more.
And lawsuits are for faggots.
>My insurance won't pay anything.
Why have insurance then?
Required by law in my state.
It is a no fault state meaning if you get in an accident it is your fault.
My insurance is if the car gets totaled they will give you what they estimate what it was worth before the crash, which is legal speak for as little as possible (talking $300 if you are lucky).
If you do report an accident they will jack up your rates so much that they'll make their money back in a few months and then some for the next ever, because if you drop it you will get a giant fine from the government.
I had a friend roll the wierdest nat20 in high school. He was crossing the street when a car came barreling down upon him. He threw himself out of the way and the car missed him by centimeters. While recovering, the car backs up and the driver rolls down the window. It was our high school Spanish teacher. The motherfucker just smiled and said "See you in class," as he drove away.
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When my car was totaled I got $3500 for it. I only payed $1000 for it. It's was an old shitty 2000 Ford Taurus, some lady slammed into it while I was parked along the sidewalk behind highschool senior year. We just asked to keep it and got it fixed up with the insurance money (two doors + steering column) and still made a profit. It's been four years since that and it still runs just fine.
Well here they would pay me $300 and then take the truck away so I don't do any funny business like sell it in parts.
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At that point I would seriously consider dropping Spanish.
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>See Ender's name
>Immediately think of that scene before the sentence is finished
>Expect a broken arm
>Anon fails to deliver
>Mfw face when

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