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/tg/ - Traditional Games

File: 1380455794965.jpg-(38 KB, 579x260, Warhammer U.jpg)
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Alright people. This has originally been released as a once-in-every-wheneverimadeanepisode series with great success in a smaller community. Now, i have decided to run a quest thread version of it. Honestly, this is my first attempt at this, but we will see how it turns out(probably with epic fails on my part). So, the quest starts with you arriving to Warhammer U to start your studies. Note that this is not quite a normal place, as you will soon find out......
Your alarm suddenly goes off, awakening you from your aeons long slumber. You feel like you havent moved for longer than... well, for a long time anyway... so you wake up, hit the snooze button on your clock, after knocking down pretty much everything else from the table, and open your eyes to a brand new day. You moved into the apartment yesterday, so you were pretty tired by the time everything was in place and fell asleep almost instantly. You havent even had time to meet your new roomates in person yet, since they had something to do last night and must have arrived home when you were lost in the kingdom of your dreams. Nice of them to keep quiet so you could rest, you think. You start putting on your clothes, thinking on the day ahead of you. Sure, you found a relatively cheap room for rent, even if there are four more in the flat. They are quite spacious, and you were told that the walls are quite soundproof and the seals on the doors and windows are brand new. All in all, it was a good catch. You wonder why it was so cheap...
You make your way to the kitchen, ready to pillage tge contents of the fridge in hopes of some breakfast. As you open the fridge door though, you are suprised to note that it hit you, sending you to the floor, then it slammed shut.
"what the hell....."
You open it up again, this time more prepared. As it tries to close, you start pulling harder, and after some struggle manage to open it up, again falling to the floor as whatever was pulling it, released it. You look up and jump in suprise and terror as you see some purple mass of tentacles with a maw at their center lash out at you. You quickly grab the fridge door and try to slam it shut, catching several of the monsters tentacles between it and the frame, eventually cutting them off with your effort of closing the door. Finally, you back away several steps and the door open a bit again. The wriggling cut-off tentacles on the floor cralw back into the fridge and it slams shut again.

[awaiting command]
check up on the roommates
Deiciding its best not to disturb the dweller of the fridge any more, you start looking for your roomates. after a brief search, you realise that no one else is at home and their rooms are locked
Enter one of their rooms. Explore.
[] Take a shower
[] Try to scavange something edible that does not need anything from the fridge
[] Watch TV in the living room
[] Jusrt go back to your room and wait for your roomates to arrive
>Try to scavange something edible that does not need anything from the fridge
Look into a mirror. We're clearly confused and still half asleep. What do we look like? What are we?
Seconding this.
After your search, you decide to force your way into one of their rooms. Using your master locpick skill, you charge the door, crashing right through the apparently quite rotted wood. Inside, you find a room filled with rotting meals, dirty clothes and other unsanitary things.
OOC: this captcha really slows things down...
i wonder how others can keep up with the incoming replies while writing too....
looking around, you find a mirror. a dirty one, but a mirror nevertheless. Damn, you are ugly....oh...wait...thats just the pizza smeared on it... you look just like any other human male in existence, give or take a few details. carefully making your way out of the room, making sure to evade the puddles of fluid, of questionable origins, you head to the shower to wash the stain of the room off of you. As you step into it, your vision goes red. trying to figure it out, you feel something metallic in your mouth. Yeah, this is not quite normal for showers.....
Ride it out and try not to die!
Assume it's a piping problem and this is rust water. Check on the showehead.
Stepping out from under the "water", and drying your face with a towel you found, you look at it and realise that you just took a bloodshower...
after cleaning it off as well as you can, you put your clothes back on and half-panicking, make your way out of the bathroom. Some TV....yeah, that should calm you down...
You head to the living room where there probably is one. entering it, you notice that there is a corpse pinned to the wall with several steel rods, blood still dripping from it...

[] still watch TV
[] examine the corpse
[] run back to yo momma, screaming
[] other
>examine the corpse
Cautiously making your way to the corpse hanging from the wall, you realise that it has the robes of an imperial priest on it. Judging by the blood, it has been hanging there for half a day at most.

[] Watch TV
[] Run
[] Other
Are there occult carvings on it? think back, did we kill this?
> still watch tv. We don't have the energy for this nonsense.
Damn....you drink sometimes but this would be the first time that you got so drunk as to do this and not remember it....also, you dont feel hungover....
yeah...just watch TV...that should be fine....
You decide to just slump into the sofa and wait for your new roommates to arrive from whatever business they have and explain all....*this*. As your ass touches the sofa, a remote control jumps out of it, landing neatly in your hands. Suprised, partly because there is nothing scary about that except for the fact that it did that and partlybecause it just did that, you press the power button.
"hey, be more gentle, man. Im a fragile piece of technology, not some ork bike!"
You jump in suprise, searching for the source of the sound. Unable to find it, you warily pick up the remote again.
"so waddaya wanna watch, dude?"
Looking at the remote, stunned...
"what? Stop staring! Im way out of your league, man..."
"took you a while..."
The TV turns on and you see the words "what the hell" on the screen with some rather strange figures...
"Porn. We need it to wake ourselves up. What you got?"
After some time, of switching channels, and finding some rather disturbing show with a genestealer, a demonette and an admechgirl, you hear a commotion from outside the house. Having reached the point-of-i-dont-give-a-fuck, you dont even care to check it out as your new roomates made their way through the street, up the stairs, and to the door. Your reverie is broken only when someone kicks in the fron door, howling "SLEEP FOR THE BLOOD GOD!". Your attention directed at the front door, you keep listening.
"i cant believe you dragged me along...again..."
"oh, dont be so disheartened... You will get yourself a girl next time!"
"i had one... Until you took her and 4 others to your "private entertainment center"..."
"oh, yeah, now i remember... She was a good one...you would have liked her!"
*sounds of electricity and smell of burnt hair*
"I will just take a shower and go to sleep..."
"sure...i wonder if there is any tacos left in the fridge from yesterday..."
"hey, did one of you use the shower last night?"
"when was the last time i took a shower, you genius...?"

[] keep watching TV
[] hide somewhere
[] peek out through the doorway
[] march out as if you knew what you are doing
[] other?
Storm outside in a fury. If these are the forces of Chaos, then you will be a force of Order/Malal. "Listen here you shits! I want the rent money in advance and you better keep to your own areas!"
storming out of the room, remote control still in hand, you intend to put an end to the madness in this house. as you turn ou from the living room, with righteous fury burning in your heart,.....you nearly soil yourself as you see the towering figure before you, his skin tinged red and bloodbowl gear on him, the words "Blood God" written across his chest.
You: Listen here you shits! I want t
you are cut off as the giant picks you up, grabbing you on the sides and pushing the air out of your lungs.
???: hey guys...seems like we got ourselves another darts target...

[] what to do?
??? #1: hey, did he destroy Nurgles door too?
Nurgle: hey, i loved that door!
??? #1: we know you did buddy, we know you did.....
??? #2: so, what's your name? Give the right answer and maybe you will not end up dead.....
Struggling, you try to utter your name, hoping that it indeed is the right one...damn, why did you even go all out on this guy?!

[Awaiting Name]
"Keith!" Spit up at the giant.
OOC: you're one agressive person, my favoured commenter
You: *grunting under the pressure* Keith
??? #2: yeah, thats the guy. Okay Khorne, put him down. Thats the new roommate.
grumbling, he puts you down and you gasp for air
"Well, welcome to our humble home. Im Tzeentch, thats Slaanesh, Nurgle and Khorne"
now that you have time to inspect them more thoroughly, you see that Tzeentch, the only female among them, is wearing a shirt with some bird on it...she also seems to have some feathers sticking out of her hair...must be some fashion stuff...
khorne is wearing bloodbowl protective gear, and could generally be described as a slightly red tank of a man...
Nurgle is your typical cellar dweller with all kinds of food stains on his shirt and he apoparently wields the almighty Smell of Doom power....
Slaanesh is...well...slaanesh...

[] proper introduction
[] kick khorne in the knee
[] run away
[] other?
You: "I'm Keith"
Slaanesh: "well, I'm gonna pick up some tacos from the fridge"
You: "wait, there's a...something in it"
Slaanesh: opens the fridge, revealing the earlier purple squid thingy. "hey steve, you saw something strange in here lately?"
Steve: "nope....apart from that idiot who cut off some of my tentacles"
Slaanesh: "well....hope you will get better. any tacos left from yesterday?"
Steve: "sure." with that, steve burps up a plate with some tacos on it
Slaanesh: "thanks" walks over to the table and sets the plate down on it. "anyonme else wants some?"

[] Eat tacos
[] Puke at the thought of eating tacos burpoed up by a squid
[] other?
Pester Slaanesh about what to do for entertainment around here.
you shrug and walk over, picking up a taco from the plate
You: so, slaanesh, what do you guys do around here for fun...?
Slaanesh: Eat tacos and fuck bitches! *slap on the back of the head from Tzeentch*
Tzeentch: thats what you do... So, Keith, what major do you study...?

[the character creation has begun! warrior? what sort? psyker? what, healer, necromancer, other? basically anything within reason is possible! choose thy fate!]
"I study women...I also do a little bit of alien research in my spare time."
You: Well, my main field of study is xenobiology and antropology, focusing on the females of the society under scrutiny in order to determine the optimal approach of the males in order to increase their mating potential.
Tzeentch: .....so you are a horny xenophile...
Slaanesh: fuck biches! *high five*
Khorne: *grumbling* great....we got ourselves another slaanesh...
You: so, who studies what?
Tzeentch: Psyker stuff
Khorne: Killing stuff
Nurgle: Sustainable ecosystem designing....a.k.a. necromancy and stuff...
Slaanesh: im not telling ya....
Tzeentch: if you find out what he studies, you will have quite a fortune in your hands...hundreds of people are betting on it and none of them could find out yet...
Slaanesh: *chuckling* just how i like it....
"Let me guess then...she's got long red hair, facial tattoos and is Eldar?"

Crack open some more beers and hang around with them. Perhaps they're not so bad.
Are you sure that this comment was destined to be here? I assume that eldar is Macha, who i didnt even hint at here, and definitely no beer was involved yet
Consider it a guess? We should find beers anyway!
You: well then, i just got myself my first quest. Revela what Slaanesh studies......
Slaanesh: good luck with that....
You: now then, there is a definite lack of booze on the table. One cannot get through the perils of the day without booze!
Khorne: so...you are suggesting that we should get booze...?
You: indeed, my brand new red friend! and the booze we need is...

[] Imperial
[] Eldar
[] Tau
[] Ork
[] Dark Eldar
[] Necron
[] Chaos
"So, where can we get ourselves some Dark Eldar Booze? I've always wanted to try that stuff, they say it's almost like, poison."
You: .....Dark Eldar! So, where can we get ourselves some Dark Eldar Booze? I've always wanted to try that stuff, they say it's almost like, poison.
Tzeentch: well, you have to go to dark eldar territory in the campus, most likely. head towards the screams of pain, then turn left at the crucified and rotiting remains of the orks and humans who stumbled that way. after that, you just go straight through the gardens of pain and between the towers of loathing, and you arrive to a bar of theirs, where they will kill you repeatedly and painfully because you are an idiot!

[] still go
[] choose something else
[] give up trying to get booze
"Fuck you, I've heard Slaanesh gush over the women there, I'm sure he wants them harder than I do! Who's with me!"
OOC. daym...my mouse is dieing...gotta buy a new one tomorrow...
You: ard Slaanesh gush over the women there, I'm sure he wants them harder than I do! Who's with me?!
Slaanesh: well....cant say i dont wanna fuck bitches there too...
You: thats the spirit! Who else? Khorne? Nurgle?
Khorne: yeah, why not...at worst, i will have a good fight. just gonna pick up my gear real quick.
Nurgle: erm...well.....
You: come on, spit it out.....
Nurgle: so...
Tzeentch: ...he has a crush on an eldar by the name of Isha.....
You: great! we dont have to find you a date then! We can pick her up on the way.
Slanesh: nah, puny ass Nurgle hasnt confessed to her yet...
You: oh...

[] take her along an hook the two up with each other
[] get him a DE girl there
"Let's try and pick her up on the way, maybe she can learn a thing or two, eh?"

Christ, this guy is a right sleaze. Let's keep rolling with it.
OOC: dont know what sleaze means. want to know how the original series went?
You: Well, Let's try and pick her up on the way, maybe she can learn a thing or two, eh?
Nurgle: uhm..
You: I take that as a yes. ONWARDS, TO GLORY!
Tzeentch: *clearing her throat* arent you forgetting someone?
You: ...........no? *smack to the head* ...oh...right...you wanna come too? well, we might get you some darkling guy, but im not that professional on that field.
Tzeentch: as if i would need your help, genius....come on, lets get going...
Khorne comes out of his room, dressed in some light armor stuff and two large axes on his back.
You: well....you certainly seem prepared...
Khorne: you can never know when you get into a barfight.
You: alright, to eldar territory then! Nurgle, lead the way!

OOC: gotta go out for a while. will be back in an hour at most....crap, i might lose my only player...
Wait, Tzneentch is female?
>Target acquired

What do our roomates look like anyway?
Ooc. Well, this went faster than expected.... And im not gonna give you that girl easily >:)
And though i described them only superficially, lets say that they look like their Heretical Love version, if you read that
*cut to eldar territory*
You: so....where is the girl?
Nurgle: she is some high priestess or something. Probably in the main building
You: to the main building then!
Tzeentch: the leaders of the chaos fraternity, and some moron marching into eldar heartland....i dont see how this could possibly go wrong...
As if on cue, a bunch of eldar with weapons raised, appear around your group.
You: uhm....

[] run
[] fight
[] talk
[] other?
"Hey hey hey, we mean no harm. We're just wanting to look around some, where do we go for that?"

Shoot some glances to Slaanesh, hoping he/she/it will be able to scare them off or do an asspull.
Hi there. We want to talk to Isha
You: hey hey hey. We came here only to pick up a specific girl for our friend here.No agression is necessery....
Tzeentch: almost as if someone told you this would happen.....
You: shut up. Get us out of here.
Eldar: and why should we believe the chaos scum who invade our territory?! And why would any of us want to go with that walking pile of pestilience?!
You: uhm...someone? Anyone?

[Awaiting reasoning]
"Hey, you're jumping to conclusions, you're putting words in her mouth. Maybe that's the kinda guy she's into, yeah? Let us through, we won't cause any trouble."

>Discreetly eye up Tzeetch'es ass as we do this.
You: hey, who are you to decide what kind of guys she likes? Maybe she is into the walking pile of pestilience types! And since when are chaos members not allowed her?!
Eldar: last year, february, when one of you exterminated an entire ouses worth of us....
Khorne: tehe...fun times....
You: shut up. *to the eldar* come on, we are here only to have some fun somewhere else by coming here. *uses opportunity to check out tzeentch ass*
Eldar: ...........if you cause any trouble, i will crucify you myself....
You: nah, just gonna grab the girl and leave. ONWARDS!
Could we get more detailed descriptions of ourselves and our allies?
Ooc: description of characters or looks?
Your bunch arrives to the main building of the eldar, marching confidently inside in search of the prize. You are directed to the top floor, and as you enter the room, you find an eldar looking out the window.
You: that her?
Nurgle: *drooling*
Slaanesh: yeah...that will be her then.
You: roights! *marching up to her*
Tzeentch: this will be bad....

[] blunt approach
[] grab her and run...literally
[] use the skills you learned during your studies
[] other?
Use our skills
Well, both if you can manage. What they're wearing, what they look like. What they have on them, etc etc.

"Hey there, what are you looking at?" Stand by her and squint out the window, try and see what has her attention.
Ooc. Honestly, describing looks is not one of my strong points, but due to popular demand, i shall try...
I will leave the details to your imagination...
Khorne: big...i mean real big in all directions. Slightly red, possibly from constant anger....possibly has horns...dunno.
Nurgle: avarage height, overweight, poor hygiene. Does necromancy and stuff....
Slaanesh: tall, lean, generally viewed as handsome....basically the casanova you would expect from him...
Tzeentch: avarage height, slightly below avarage weight, "birdish" if thats even a word. Feathers in her hair and stuff, not beak and stuff...
Sorry, thats the best i can do, but feel free to give fan based dexcriptions if you want
You: excuse me, fine lady, but i couldnt help but notice that you are spending your time alone up here, when you could most certainly find adequate entertqinment elsewhere...
Isha: *turning to face you* is that so...? And what would that be...?
You: this humble companion of mine has feelings towards your refined self, that he failed to express due to his sense of unworthiness. I come forth to convey his invitation to our trip to exotic lands in order to examine the local beverages there and determine their true value. We would feel honored if you would accompany us....
Isha:..........very well....
Tzeentch: *mouth agape* i cant believe that worked....
Well shit.

"Hey, chin up, it'll be fun, what do you like? Wine? I'm sure they'll have all sorts of wines for you to try, my mate over there is great with all sorts of food and stuff, he'll be sure to pick us out what's best!"

>Wingman mode, engage.
Ooc. Well, clothes. That should be within my abilities.
Khorne: currently wearing a half light armour, half casual clothing gear with two large axes on his back
Nurgle: "cellar dweler" outfit
Slaanesh: the slaaneshi version of a suit
Tzeentch: casual clothes(jacket included)
Keith: well....classy casual?
Ooc. Oh, and isha: ery classy eldar outfit(farseer style)
*on the way to dark eldar territory*
You: well, my compnion here is an expert on exotic wines. I am rather certain that you two will have a lot to discouss
Isha: indeed, good sir.
You: i will leave you in bis care for now, then.
Tzeentch: how the hell did you do that?!
You: told ya didnt i? This is my field of study.
Tzeentch: so what, you gonna try to seduce whoever you meet?
You: oh, dont take me wrong. I only seduce exquisite goods, not some ork wearing a wig. Ah, the crucified corpses. We are getting close.
Slaanesh: question: what stops them from killing us like them?
You: the big guy with the axes...
Slaanesh: good point...

[] follow the route given by tzeentch
[] screw women...they cant navigate for shit
>Screw women, in both ways.

"Just as I said, I only secude exquisite goods.." wink teasingly towards Tzneetch, she's still on the list.

Look throughout the territory, see if there's any clues to what passes for a bar/social hangout for the deldar.
Deciding not to follow bird-brains' instructions, you take an unplanned turn and head away from the towers of loathing, and into a side street. On the way, you notice several hanging corpses and some living too....
You spot a place with several flashy lights and signs on it, maybe a bar? In the other direction, there is a field littered with skeletons around a fountain...maybe its the fountan of lethally joyous water? Maybe you should try.... And of course, you could admit defeat and turn back towards the towers....puny.....

Ooc. Brb
Stride dutifully towards the bar. We can do this.
We've got Khorne and Slaanesh backing us up.
Check over our shoulder, see how Isha and Nurgle are doing.
Check out the bar, see what everyone's wearing, how things are going, etc etc.
Sounds good
You are man! Your duty is to set an example! As such, you simply cannot allow a woman to wrong you! You stride towards the supposed bar, checking over your shoulder and seeing that nurgle and isha are having a good time....possibly....
You reach the door and confidently open it, stepping inside.......
Well....inside, half a dozen dark eldar are currently dissecting a human thatstill seems to be alive, though unable to scream due to a severe lsck of a throat.

[] ask for directions to the bar
[] join them. You have to make an impression here after all
[] try to.be a hero
[] other?
"Hey lads, where's the nearest bar at?" Smile charmingly, we've seen khorne do worse. "Where would you recommend we go to get some proper entertainment?"

Nod discreetly towards Isha and Tzneetch. Imply >Imply Imply as hard as we can!
So I think I took a left when I meant to go right. Where's the closest bar? Also, nice work your doing there
You: uhm....must have taken a wrong turn somewhere....you guys happen to know where the nearest bar is?
DEldar: next door
You: oh, thanks. By the way, if you pull that nerve there, his arm starts dancing.
DEldar: *does so and happens so* kewl....
You step back and close the door, then head to the next door on the left and enter.
Well.....you find several dozen people...doing...questionable things......ooooh....boobies....

[] not the right party, but who cares. Jump in!
[] ask for directions....again...
[] other?
Let's examine the place further. What are the folks wearing, how does it look? Details! Details!

Also, check up on our allies. What are our four up to? How's Isha doing?
Ooc. You siiick bastards....tehe....i like you...
You: okay people, who votes for this party instead? We can skip the "picking up chicks" part...
Slaanesh: im in...
Tzeentch: what?! Just look at them! Since when do leather strips count as clothing?! And what are those guts doing?! she doesnt even have that many holes! And why is there a bunch of drugged up succubi without clothes, in a pile over there?! And im pretty sure those girls are underage too!
*a clank can be heard from khorne*
Khorne: im in...
Tzeentch: *facepalm* men....
Glance over our shoulder, to see where Nurgle and Isha are.

Wind an arm around Tzneetch's waist. "Hey, they're having fun, let's leave them be. Maybe this is the place after all, we've all seen stuff like this happen on our own grounds, right? C'mon, let's keep moving forward."
You: so, you three coming or not?
Tzeentch: ....fine....would be too troublesome finding you guys later and dragging you home....
You: thats the spirit! Nurgle? Isha?
Nurgle: well....i think we will just have a bit of a walk....
You: tehe....have fun..."walking"....alright, INTO THE ABYSS!
the four of you head in, the door slamming shut behind you. You finally make your way to whatever passes for a barpult here and take your seats with your companions and order your drinks.
You: alright people, dont be dazed by all this free meat lying around. There are many of them, they are just scrubs, and as such, are nigh worthless. We are going for the big fish. *epic briefing music starts to play* on the way in, i scouted the potential prey. There was a demonette with triple boobs. Awesome classic quarry. There is also a sister of battle somewhere around. Not valuable in itself, but the fact that they are as hard to hunt down as they are, makes them valuable. I also saw some kind of a xenomoph...possibly some nid experiment...reeaaally rare and thus valuable. Oh, and there are some guys around for you too tzeentch. So, who goes for which?

[Awaiting instructions]
"Slaanesh, take Khorne about, see if there's anything he likes, you're the boss here."

Wink to Slaanesh, then turn our attentions to Tzeentch.

"So, what do you think of this place so far? What will you be having? I've got a good idea what would be great for me..."

>calulate what Tzneetch would look like in a wytch slave outfit.

"..still, I'll have some bloodbrew beer, I'll get this round in for us."
Ooc. Going for the big prey, eh? Not getting her that easy....
Also, before i go further, as one of my possibly two players, you want it to be Heretical Love level dirty(in case you didnt read it, very), or pull back the stuff?
You: khorne, you go for the sister. Slaanesh, the demonette. Tzeentch, i will need your help.
Tzeentch: now be very careful with what you say next....
You: that nid is surely a master atextracting bipomass. I wouldnt last long against her in my current state.
Tzeentch: i wont like this...
You: i need you to cast a spell on my dick to endure t
Your face accelerates beyond light speed as it heads towards the table and buries itself in it

[] insist with deal(offer what?)
[] regular insist/plead
[] go for easier prey
>don't leave us hangin :D
It's all just text, nobody will mind!

Press hand to nose to check for breakage/bleeding, then laugh it off.

"I was kidding! Goddamn you are touchy!" Wink towards Tzeentch, "Even then, surely you could understand the attraction, so raw, so animal, look at those fertile curves...I think you're jealous maybe? After all, look at the other girls here, they're certainly flaunting their stuff."

Quickly try to catch the attention of a bartender "Hey, hey, my friend here is new, what do you recommend she can wear or do to fit in more?" Motion towards Tzeetch with a sly grin.

If possible glance around, see how the rest of the four are getting along.
Let's go Heretical Love levels and offer her a favor for the future
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You pry yourself off from the pult and check for damage....fortunately, such things have happened to you so often in the past that you dont even feel it anymore.
You: meh...youre touchy.
Tzeentch: touchy?! You basically said that im just a scrub to be used and then asked me to enchant your dick!
You: nah...im just gonna go for it alone then. Bartender, a drink for the lady.
With that, you head off in the veneral direction of your target.
Meanwhile at the barpult
Tzeentch: moron....thinking he is so high above me...
Slaanesh: not necesserily...
Tzeentch: you want some too?!
Slaanesh: you see, such guys see 3 types of girls in the world: the scrubs below notice, the big prey they go for, and the ones way out of their league.......
Tzeentch: you mean..?
Slaanesh: *shrugs* who knows....
Meanwhile, you find your prey, who looks like the attached picture and is currently beating an ork into the ground, still holding her drink

[Need plan of approach]
Go full on David Attenbourough!

"Here we see a female tyranid, clearly she is in season with such aggressive response to any perceived challenges to her territory. With this in mind, we must take the greatest of care to learn about this...enchanting individual."

>prepared action. Evasion or more third-person sleaze!
Well...she seems to be the warrior sort.....those tend to respect strength....so you just have to show her your (non-existent) physical might and youre in for some crazy nid action!(preferably without being eaten during or after it...)

[] challange her, despite that she is obviously good at CQC
[] provoke barfight, show your might in the ensuing chaos
[] other?
"You think you're pretty tough yeah? I challenge you to a drinking contest, think you're up for it?"

>Assess the nid. Is she hard and crusty or soft and jiggly? We need details man!
Ooc. Wah! dont hurt me! She is sift qnd jiggly in the right places and hard and crusty in others where it befits a warrior!
Stepping up on a table, as befits a man, you raise your voice so everyone can hear you, pointing at the girl.
You: you there! Not the ork, the sexy one! I challange you to a drinking contest!
Nid: dafuq.....
You: do you accept the challange or admit my manly superiority?
Nid: .....i accepttt. Nottte ttthattt ill justtt eattt you if i win....nottthing personal, justtt custttoms...
You: and i shall bed you if i win! For the glory of Man! Let the game begin!
You both sit down opposite each other, waiting for the first round. You notice her predatory gaze eyeing you up. Good...let her know how screwed she is and will be....wow....dem boobies...just the right size and shape.....dem nids must know sumthin......

[Roll 1d20 for drinking success]

Ooc. Tehe...captcha: anyalas sufficient. Translated to my language it means: licking is sufficient...
Rolled 7

While they're setting up, try and gain the attention of a Dark Eldar Barkeep.

"Hey there, do me a solid, will you? Make sure she gets full on vodka, give me the water, right? I'll make it up to you in the future."

Depending on how that goes, we'll see how this challenge will end.
Still hoping to pillage Tzeentch's ass
Rolled 4

You spot slaanesh on the other side of the room and the silent consultation with facial expressions begins:
You: dude. Vodka her. Water me.
Slaanesh: no way dude.
You: c'mon. I got you a girl.
Slaanesh: goddammit! On it.
Slaanesh: khorne, we need to...
Glancing over at him, he notices that khorne is currently dueling with the SoB...
Slaanesh: yeah...what did i expect....you there, barkeep! Ill get you a bottle of 783 years old rum if you give the dude alcohol free stuff.
Barkeep: .........fuck, why not....not as if i was involved...
The first round is served. The nid gulps it down without hesitation and you are already having difficuilties keeping up with her pace. As the competition proceeds, you realise how easily you would have been defeated if not for the help of outside support(cheating). 38.....goddammit! If this keeps up, she will defeat you even so. How are you supposed to keep so kuch liquid inside?! And she basically seems to be shining! .....waitaminute .....dammit! Shes sweating the alcohol out! This is bad....real baaad.....you need a plan!

[Awaiting plan]
Rolled 19

Point out how she isn't holding her liquor by licking the sheen of booze off her. Proclaim yourself winner
File: 1380481884852.jpg-(904 KB, 1600x900, 40kchaosdee.jpg)
904 KB
904 KB JPG
Rolled 15

Soon..we'll knock her up asap.

Put on a drunken slur and motion to her. "Hey, heeey, look, you're shweatin it out! Thatsh cheatin' you can't hold your drinksh at all! This meansh I win!"

Hold up arm in triumph, activate most rage-inducing trollface to taunt the sultry alien, wink across to Tzeentch for approval and to see what she is up to.
Wait....alcohol....thats......*evil grin*.....
You take your lighter from your pocket and hold it out, flicking it on and off every once in a while...
You: sweating the booze out is cheating, you know......to put it simple, either you admit defeat, or we will see how well you do against flames.......
Nid: and a human simply can'ttt hold ttthattt much boze...you are cheatitting as well...
You: maybe yes, maybe know, but i think they will believe me when your fiery self is running around.....
Nid:........She suddenly falls down on top of the table.
You triumphantly stand up and howl your victory to the sky(or ceiling) as the table is cleaned up. Now then....where to with your trophy....?
Arent those the demonettes from H.L.?
Piss first, then brag to Tzeentch about how we were able to win without her help
Go to her place cause we all know what a horrible mess his apartment is.
Artwork was done by Chink long ago. Female representations of the chaos gods.


Drag up the Tyranid and loop an arm around her waist. Triumpantly present her to any dudebros/other idiots and make sure she jiggles just right as we march her back to our table.

"Hey Tzneetch, check out what I just bagged! She's certainly a rare catch, but with me around these cuties certainly won't be going extinct anytime soon!"

Keep up the obnoxious alpha act, squeeze the nid's ass hard and hug her closely. "By the end of this night I'll have you be the best biomass sucker on two legs babe..how are you doing so far Tzneetch, any luck?"

Grin. Grin like a motherfucker.
After dispersing the crowd, learning that khorne and the SoB were actually toying with each other as a date.....weird... And actually hooking slaanesh up with the demonette, you decide to brag to tzeentch a bit.
You: so, no help from you and im still gonna knock her up.
Tzeentch: you do realise that she likely eats her mate after the act, right...?
You: nah, thats just a rumour....
Tzeentch: sure....just bring some salt with you, dinner....
Grumbling, you make your way over to your brand new date.
You: so, you got a name, sweetheart...?
Nid: ....Nüxene...
You: nice. Hey, no need to be so disheartened, im not gonna eat you or anything...
Nüxene: actttcually, you are ttthe one who should be worried of ttthattt....
You: nah. Lets just head over to your place, and get down to business...
Nüxene: uhm...my place...? You sure abouttt ttthattt...?
You: what, ashamed of your new date...?
Nüxene: more like worried ttthattt you will gettt eattten as soon as we enttter our ttterritttory.....

[Still go there?]
Danger is his middle name, of course he goes there! Besides, he's got his new eye candy to protect him. What could possibly go wrong?
Do it. Proclaim Man's awesomeness with dickings in the Nid's territory
Let's not go there just yet. We're wanting to knock up Tzeentch as well. She needs a good hard fucking.

Stay by the table and chat some more with Tzeentch.

"So while I'm making Nuxene scream, what will you be doing? Got much going for you here Tzeentch?"

Check around the table, see how she's feeling and looking. Keep a possessive arm around our nid, perhaps give her a pinch or a squeeze to try and draw a squeak or giggle out of her.
Ooc. Daym! Im actually getting an audience on my first thread! I feel so accomplished....now i can die in peace....
You: off to nidland we go!
One travel skip later:
You: so....this is nidland...?
Nüxene: yep...
*insert nid landscape with hives and shit*
You: *whistles* so...which one is yours...?
Nüxene: ttthattt one back ttthere, beyond tttbe sleeping bio tttitttan....
You: no problem here then. Just gotta use my sheer manliness to stealth my way through...

[Roll 1d20 for manliness stealth]
Rolled 12

Rolled 6, 2 = 8


"Alright babe, so, do you lay eggs or what? Got any milk brewing?"

Creep carefully across the nightmare landscape. Question sanity.
*mission impossible music starts*
You carefully make your way through the fungus that seems to be covering the ground...at least you hope its just some fungus....creeping round the hives, sticking to the shadows, putting master assassins to shame....
You crawl below the bio titan, intending to get past the open ground under it. Looking up......DAYM! Even you couldnt fill up THAT hole!....anyway, back to the hole at hand....you emerge on the other side and climb up on the side of Nüxenes hive. You find a....something....seems like a ventillation tube or something....anyway, its a way in so you jump into it...
You splash into some liquid.....damm its hot! And its melting your flesh! GODDAMN NID DESIGN!
You are quickly reduced to a pool of protein and fat in the pond of acid....
???: is dinner ready yet?
Nüxene: yeah, ittt justtt gottt finished!
Well shit. Last time I trust a nid!
Rolled 4

Fight back and give indigestion
Well damn...
The tube indeed seems to be some part of the ventillation system as it goes above rooms and has holes in it where air is pushed into them. Crawling along its length, you are searching for Nüxene. Eventually, you find her and use your knofe to cut the tube open at the right spot. Falling out, you land on your feet in a triuphant pose.
You: impressed yet...?
Nüxene: uhm....*pointing*
Looking where she is pointing, you notice the swarm of lesser nid creatures pouring out of the tube, looking for whatever caused the damage.....that would be you.....crap.....

[What to do?]
Prepare to fight side by side with our biddy
Try initiating intercourse. The pheremones may distract them or at least you had a fun time before you died.
Dammitdammitdammitdammitdammit....welp...time to drink that vodka you stashed before leaving the bar....at least it wont hurt...much...
As you raise the bottle to your mouth......vodka...booze....alcohol...........lighter....alcohol.....fire......coctail......molotov coctail!
You tear off some of your shirt, stuffing it into the vodka bottle. Soaking it with the booze, you lift your lighter to it and it catches fire instantly. Tossing the bottle into the middle of the swarm, the entire corner of the room is engulfed in flames, the bugs screeching as they are roasted alive.
How's our Nid doing?
After the flames died down, you turn back to your prize.
You: so, where were we...?What? I got some bug remains on me or something?
You are squished to the wall as Nüxene tackles you. As she presses on to you, you can most definitely feel that not all of her is covered in chitin. In fact, her front is rather soft
and warm.
Nüxene: defeattting a swarm wittthouttt weapons....afttter sneaking ttthrough our ttterritttory....afttter defeattting me, even by tttricking me over.....i ttthink you deserve a bittt of a reward....
Finally! After so much hard work, you get your reward(unless this is a HUE...)! You can already feel the rising tide....no...wait....thats just your usual dick....you feel a boner.....
Victory! Slaanesh wins this day!
Quickly undoing your belt buckle, your pants fall to the floor. Wasting no time, Nüxene sets to work on your rifle. At first you are frightened when you remember how sharp her teeth are, but your continued posession of a dick calms your nerves....

[Roll 3d20 to determine events]
Rolled 19, 7, 20 = 46

Rolled 3,4,2 = 9
Skillfully working her way back and forth, she quickly pushes you to your limits. Your manliness is at risk here goddammit! You hold out by will power alone, forcing her to se her tongue as she polishes your rifle. Eventually, even your manliness breaks and your salvo is launched into the abyss, apparently, to Nüxenes great pleasure, judging by the smile in the corner of her mouth.
Nüxene: quite the stamina....lets see just how much....
You: i can assure you, i can go all night long....
Nüxene: we will se about that....
You are thrown onto what assume passes for a bed here(a large horizontal patch of fleshy sack thingy), landng on your back. Mere moments later, the hunter-turned-prey lands above you, her legs on either side of you. Looking down, you notice that the entrance is blocked by solid walls of chitin plating...
You: uhm....im not that tough.....
As if on cue, the plates retract, revealing the point of the whole days work! Slowly lowering herself, you realise just how warm she is.....and tight.......and....what the hell is in there?! She starts working her way in all directions, as well as up and down, of course. Damn! If this keeps up, youre gonna fire early!

[Roll 1d20 to save your manliness]
Rolled 6
Rolled 7

Crap! This is just too good!
However, your retreat is blocked by a rather solid object beneath you and a predator on top....seeing your peril, she increases her pace and gives the final push over the edge with a deep sink in. Your overloaded plasma rifle is unable to take any more strain and discharges before the appointed time
Nüxene: *chuckling* i will use that well.....
After that, you just pass out.....

Ooc: well...gotta catch some sleep....anyone thinks i should continue this quest thread when i have time...?
Get saved by ginger, muscular angry eldar arsonist (Khaine). Also Cegorach should definitely be tzeentch's boyfriend
god wake up already!
hey motherfuckers, read his last post. he's done for today.
I know. I'm telling him I want more. If you look I posted that a few minutes after he left. Dumbass.

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