Oh goddamn, what the fuck?Alright, so check it out. I'm in the army, I'm a sergeant and we're getting ready to ship out for the war and they put an elf into our squad. A female elf. She's standoffish at the best of times and batshit psycho in the field.>pic relatedHow the fuck do I handle this? And she came back in. She was in the D-Day landings with my grandfather for fuck's sake!I'm at a loss guys, so I come before you a broken and confused man and I ask one simple question.How do?
>She was in the D-Day landings with my grandfather for fuck's sake!YOU WILL RESPECT YOUR ELDERS BOOT!
>>25928138Okay... totally not downplaying what she did buuuut let's just say that her understanding of infantry tactics is just a liiiiitle bit dated.I mean for fuck's sake, she's my co-fireteam leader. So how do I deal with this flighty nonagenarian?
>>25928216If she's back in, she's obviously been cleared on current battlefield doctrine. What exactly is she doing that violates modern tactics?
>Everything must be kawaii uguu animu thing!What happened, /tg/?
Just do what she says. Sooner or later, she will order you into your death for shits and giggles, but that's at least better than what she will do to you if you disobey an order. Or a request, elves don't differentiate between orders and requests when it comes to lesser races.hint: it involves a chainsaw if you are lucky and a hand saw if you aren't. Just do as she says.
Touch her butt
just slap her ass and see whee it goescaptcha invisedu sheridan
>>25928243SGT Knife Ear cannot into radio encryption.Seriously, she whips out this old ass Technical Manual and starts coding her messages and noone's done that in twenty years.And she tries to reload like every eight rounds.>inb4 M1 Garand Faggots>>25928256Stormfags plaz go!That's an old fucking wive's tale from the protocol of the glad council and you know that.>>25928257I like having both my hands, thanks.
>>25928337>>25928256Protocol of the Elders of the Glade Council. Fuck my spelling, tonight.
>>25928337Nah man, just slap and grab and when she flips around to kick your ass, you're attached to one supple asscheek tight enough you turn with her so she can't ever get you.Just ride it out 'til she calms down
>>25928349Yeah. Sure. Whatever helps you sleep at night.
I think listening to someone who's spent more time in active service than you've lived is a good idea. Especially considering that she's a veteran from the Karelian front. Do you realize how much action those hardass motherfuckers saw?As for the "being batshit psycho" thing, I think you should just accept that your "infantry tactics" won't be the only thing she violates on the field.
>>25928216You have to establish the appropriation of current-era tactics while respecting her superior experience. While she does have some idea how shit goes down, her doctrine relies on long outdated gear and troop composition.Just be thankful she witnessed mechanized infantry tactics and infantry-armor coordination in her time. Best sit her down with a bit of vodka and talk military tactics, not as a sermon but as a dialogue. Explain the changes done and how the greater concern for personal safety is a principle that might be to her advantage. Also the new gear, if nobody ever saw fit to explain this shit, you will have to bite the bullet and go through everything as with a green recruit, but with less yelling.While her technical standards may be dated, her experience with artillery and sniper tactics can prove invaluable in a pinch.Best offer to have battlefield communications and technical stuff delegated until she can get used to it. She will probably be used dedicated radio operators anyway.Also, a few bits of Finnish might smoothen your communication a lot.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=miqqtqUY7ts
No elfs here, brother-captain.
Steal your commanding officers good cigars and plant them in her kitbag, leave an anonymous note on said commanding officers table stating that the thief is said pointy ears bitch.Enjoy the lulz when she gets executed via firing squad.
>>25928244Girls und Panzer happened. And then Quick Start!!
>>25928372Why the hell do all of you skeezy fucks want me to grab her ass?>>25928398Yeah, that's the part where that whole "Standoffish" bit comes in. She's like a friggin' wall of Teutonic intensity when on duty and off duty, she's nowhere to be found.It's like she just fades into the fucking forest or something.Short Curt answers, expressionless face. The whole nine yards.Do you have any experience dealing with elves in an operational environment?
Remember, it's not rape if it's an elf
>>25928470Cute girls playing airsoft is the new GuP.
>>25928481One, because elves have fine asses, and two, because it's always funny to see someone cave to peer pressure and get the shit kicked out of them for it.In all serious, Elves tend to dislike military professions, if she's been around this long, she's likely a god fan of murder and an all-around psychopath. Contact your superior officer and request a transfer, it's about the only way out.
>>25928486Yeah, if an elf rapes you, good luck trying to take that shit to court. Trust me, I know.
>>25928511>not raping the elf back with your superior human dick
>>25928126Son, remember two things:- First she got into OUR army, meaning she might be psycho like all elves, but she's not bad psycho enough to be booted out. You're the man incharhe, and yes she'll hate it, but goddamn after serving two or more tours of duty, she'll be used to it. Just respect her opinions and don't give her shit about being a knife-ear, and you'll be fine.Now, second, shouls shit hit the fan, kindly remember her of the Oath she swore before their Elder Council (or whatever passes off for their government), insinutaing she doesn't want to be the one to break the peace treaty. Yeah, the goddamn democrat pieceashit who got up with the idea of making peace with them elves deserves repeaded introductions to the business end of a baseball bat, but since it's here, expooit it. Them elves might not give a shit about us humans, but they quite litterally piss themselves at the thought of being disapproved by their elders...
>>25928481Yeah, I just happen to outrank her. Elvish NCOs tend not to like that... especially if it's an Academy boy running the show. Took a bit of time before she followed orders WILLINGLY rather than begrudgingly. And trust me, boy howdy is there a difference. To put it simply, she probably views you and everyone else in your platoon as replacements. Fix that and you're golden.
>>25928529And then they throw a glamour on you that makes you think your dick is a cobra so you punch it until you pass out then wake up hours later without the ability to father children anymore.
OP. There's only one thing you can do. Buckle up and talk about it. Talk about it to your superiors. Tell them she makes you feel uncomfortable. Alternatively you could buckle and talk with her. The whole crazy and mysterious is not a facade, but hidden under it is a creature far more human you'd be led to believe to.Don't try to court an elf unless you're ready for some crazy shit. Crazy as your ass is green and her playground for eternity crazy. But its worth every second of it.
>>25928509If she'd been around that long, she'd be the Sergeant Major of the Army by now.In actual truth, she's got a bit of a break in service. A seven year break in service.>>25928511Okay... this I have to hear. What's your story, Anon?
Could be worse OP. Could be a cat girl.
>>25928470'Upotte!!' was first. And it only follows a trend in manga wherein it is tried to combine two otaku interests. Militaria and cute little girls.>>25928481Why yes. Back in Serbia my Feldwebel was a pointy. And that sucker went back to the Franco-Prussian war. Some say he was in Waterloo, too. But what does Meyer know?Anyway, this fucker was as much of a fossil. Prussian military tradition and shit, would lap up to the commissioned officers like a good little doggie but shoo his men around with impunity.We had to band together as a squad and petition for a clarification while threatening to take the case a few steps higher before we could make our case.I suggest you point out the changes in doctrine, the differences in structure and especially the proper reactions to incoming fire in asymmetric warfare. Also, tell her she can drop the tough act and how heroism is no longer an option when you have more artillery, air support and rapid response up your sleeve than you can use.Can't really say much about what makes American NCOs tick, though.I don't imagine them to be that much different, though.
What kind of elf we dealing with here? Urban Elves? Tolkien Elves? Desert Elves?
>>25928536I'm gonna file that one away as a last resort.>>25928549Yeah... I've had some crazy chicks in my day and I'm about done with crazy.>>25928542That's fucking terrifying.>>25928538Replacements for what?>>25928558I would suck start a trench gun if that happened.MFWcaptcha: Bacocat its
>>25928558In my squad? No, thanks.In the same urban assault? Yes, please.Seriously. When you are breaching a house with a team of those, you don't need your gun. You need a bucket and mop.Also, best skip breakfast.
>tfw base commander is an elf>tfw he fought against Napoleon in the Lützow Free CorpsThis is gonna be interesting
>>25928538>Fix that and you're golden.That's basically impossible.I got rescued from orcs once by a squad with an elf with it. He basically used his human squadmates as mobile cover and I saw him push one into a boobytrap. If he didn't do that I would be dead now, so I sure as hell don't mind, but never expect them to see you as anything more than an expendable resource.
>>25928587Yeah... this is the problem with that whole "Perceived Elven Superiority" thing. The mission is priority 1, soldier welfare is priority 1a.We really don't get that whole "Looking out for soldiers vibe off of her".We don't really get ANY vibe off of her. Also, she might have wacked your grandpa so there's that.>inb4 NATO bros don't talk about the war>>25928600Wood Elf. Don't know shit about wood elves. All we have are those dark elves shakin' their asses out on Bragg Boulevard.
>>25928667And you didn't give him a curt thank you and then cap him in the fucking face with your drop gun?
>>25928558Yeah, nah, you know the saying: "A cat chosses its owner?". Kinda the same with catgirls. If she wanted to join your unit, then they're no sweat. Yes they get easily distracted (but there are humans just as bad), and yes you might wake up with a murderpresent in front of your door, but honestly it ain't that bad. The only real problem is if she runs out of hormonal pills against heat...Now, if your CO hates you, and dumps a cat soldier (boy or girl, won't really matter) in a unit (s)he doesn't wan to be in, yeah... Eat your gun, it'll be the most painless solution.
>>25928631Actually, that sounds kind of awesome. Are the catfolk really that fucking annoying, though?
>>25928680>The only real problem is if she runs out of hormonal pills against heat...Not even with your dick
>>25928677People who try that tent do end up either missing or dying perfectly legitimate accidents.how dumb do you think I am?
>>25928706They're fucking elves, not Batman!
>>25928694>>25928680The one I had was always happy, she really liked messing around with our automatic rifleman. I also saw one that always looked really miffed in a Mechanized unit before.I guess it really depends.
>>25928702Son, sure, you can do the "natural treatment", but I really hope you enjoy beating the crap out of a woman before doing her, because that's what se'll expect. And do it four or five times in a row, because she'll expect that too. And better make sure there's someone ready with a transfusion and stitches nearby, because you might need them when you're both finished.But yeah, if all that doesn't stop you, be my guest!
>>25928742Or you could just take turns or some shit. I don't really think she'd notice if it was dark enough.
>>25928337First off, you need to update her on encryption protocol. That shit's SUPPOSED to be covered for reenlisting Elven auxiliary troops, but apparently someone in logistics done fucked up, so it's down to you to handle it. A pain, but whatever.After that, just let her play to her strengths. Outdated or no, she more than likely has more in-field experience than the rest of your squad put together. So long as you can familiarize her with current tech and procedure (which, as I said, should have been fucking covered beforehand when she signed up) she'll be most useful cut loose on her own with minimal interference barring chain-of-command requirements.
>>25928742>Angry, hatesex with catgirl Grenadier>MFW
>>25928614>Replacements for what?not >>25928538 butReplacement for your grandfather, who probably was replacement for his grandfather and if you ever have kids who end up joining the army, then he'll be your replacement.
>>25928763Yeah, somebody skipped that shit. They slapped a uniform on her and sent her straight to us.Someone must have dropped a zero from the "Break in service" field on the forms.
>>25928718They are 200+ years old, they suffer none of the negative side effects of old age and they train constantly.Your average elf has caused more deaths just by not giving a fuck than most humans witness firsthand over the course of their lifetime.The confirmed personal kill count is held by an elf. The four hundred spots below him are also all elves.And those are just the official kills they scored while "serving" in the human military. You bet your ass that you will find yourself stepping on a land mine if you piss one of them off.
>>25928614For combat losses from Normandy to Kabul. Their perception of time can be a bit wonky when dealing with human dimensions, so the last half century or so may well look like a more or less continuous conflict to her.Once you cover for her with an officer or two, you may get some respect out of her.>>25928668Hm. Nah, he came out of the war fine, though he once mentioned a little escapade from his time as a PoW in an American camp. May have been any 'Murrican elf though. His memories were a bit vague in that. Not even sure he said elf girl...>>25928656Don't tell me you get to serve under ol' Heideggen!That mad old bastard has a very special kind of reputation.When in the field, they say, he's calm as a lake on winter's morning and a fucking mother to his soldiers, but at base...Raving mad doesn't begin to describe it. And you can vaguely imagine how he acted in the decades of the Cold War.They had to move him to a base almost at the Dutch border where he could play with his tanks. He tried to rally a strike force against the GDR border troops twice. Some say they built the wall to keep him out. I hope that's a joke.>>25928694Depends. Have a few of them in a room and you can get anything from a powder keg to a spontaneous orgy. It really depends on individual chemistry.Some get rough, some cozy and none of them would object when ordered to rip out your jugular. If you really need adrenaline, best address to get some, one way or the other.
>>25928795>The confirmed personal kill count isThe confirmed personal kill count record is*
>>25928763Yeah... I think I'm gonna get a bottle of sippin' hooch and sit her down for T H E T A L K>>25928780Gonna get her drunk and see what happens. If she starts calling me "George" (My grandfather's name), then I'm going to freak the fuck out.
>>25928795Sot even the White Death made it somewhere into the top 400? His count IS kinda impressive.
>>25928795Well, there's one guy in the top 400 that's (technically) human, since liches count as whatever species they were when they died.
>>25928788Oh, and whatever you fucking do, don't suggest she go scouting/recon. unless she's already displayed a preference for it, or you literally cannot send anyone else. She WILL take offense, and best-case scenario you wind up with a faster route for air getting to your lungs.
>>25928795>>25928823Bah, but that shit's on technicality. Let me live a few hundred years and I'd get that much, too.
>>25928788Elves arent too bad. I remember my Agung telling me stories about the kobolds in Naam. Told us about the traps they made for the americans, how they tunneled everywhere and sometimes burst out laughing, because they could hear screaming down a tunnel that the humans couldnt.He was pretty glad they were on his side, but even if they did have a longer lifespan I don't reckon we'd be seeing any around for new years.
>>25928823The White Death is undead. I don't know whether he counts, or only the kills he did while he was alive do.
>>25928839Kill counts carry over for any sentient undead that can provide proof of former ID.
>>25928823>>25928828>>25928839He's been busy with research lately and fell back to 438th place.
>>25928839700 while alive seems like a contender, even if we discount the post-death kills.
>>25928823I don't have the numbers, but I think he might have the highest kill count in a single conflict, while he was still human.Some elves see that as a personal challenge to best it and are absolutely furious that the cold war kinda just ended before they got a chance to challenge his score.off course, some have an argument like >>25928833>bah, let me face an army that outnumber me 1 to 100 and I'd get that much, too.
Dude... what the fuck is it about this shit that makes 99.9% of elves pansies and the rest fucking psycho hardcore.
>>25928871Well, he got a lot of kills when they flew his mummified ass to Vietnam, Angola and Afghanistan too. So it's not like the Cold War didn't give the elves any opportunities.
>>25928871And man, we don't talk about that shit. What could make a man do that kind of shit... I don't even like to think about that.Motherfucker must have really hated commies.>>25928829Eh... Why's that?>>25928871>bah, let me face an army that outnumber me 1 to 100 and I'd get that much, too."Perceived Elven Superiority" again. Then again, that was winter war era Soviets he was fighting.
>>25928892Most of them are civilians who never bother to leave the anscestral lands.Which is perfectly understandable because the place is a paradise. The ones you could ever hope to meet are the ones that left and you would have to be crazy to leave that paradise.
What game are you guys talking about?I am new to /tg/
worst thread on /tg/
>>25928126Just checking: Are you sure she's actually been in service in WW2?I used to think the one in my section did, until I found out she learned everything about driving a tank from her parents' stories.
>>25928931Or exiled. You have to have committed some heinous shit to get exiled from the elven homelands.
>>25928892Elves do everything by extremes. If their job is baking, then they bake with unholy precision, to the second, to the miligram. If its driving, they will spend weeks without sleeping, triangulating turn angles, where tehy should lean their body to get just THAT much more performance out of their machines. And its self propagating, since their teachers and lecturers do the same thing, determined that THEIR kids will be THE best at whatever they want to do.You just landed the rare one who's chosen profession is killing.>>25928871White Death is insane. I heard his first battle was his liching ritual.
>>25928933Game?We are discussing experiences with non-humans in the military is all.
>>25928892Same as why we have the 0.1% of humans who are fucknuts psychotic, only instead of commercialist culture they have a naturalist one.So while our psychopaths are busy climbing corporate ladders and preying on the weak within society, theirs go out into the unspoiled wilderness and prey on shit that could eat you or I alive to make a point about 'survival of the fittest'.>>25928923>Eh... Why's that?Because she'll assume you're being racist. The whole "Oh, you're an elf, you must be amazing at sneaking around undetected and spying on people!". Sure, as a race they tend to be better on average than humans at stealth and guerilla tactics, but it's the equivalent of someone saying to you "Hey humans improvise shit, right, why don't you go fix our tents yo?"
>>25928954All the shit regarding his lichdom is classified, and I'm pretty sure that bauble they keep on display in Helsinki Cathedral isn't his real phylactery. But I'd believe that.
>>25928126Johnny B Good if I find out you been posting shit about me on the internet I swear YOUR ASS IS MINE. Signed Delilah Wood
>>25928945I have the old photo of her chilling in the Bocage with my gramps. She's leaning on him with his elbow propped up and they're both smiling.Then again, they're both privates in that photo.>>25928931And why she picked Virginia, I have no idea.
>>25928961But elfs are not real and even if they were there is no way a FEMALE elf would serve in any combat arm of the us armed forces during ww2, we were lulzy sexist back then.
>>25928963>"Hey humans improvise shit, right, why don't you go fix our tents yo?"I got that all the time back when I worked for the drow.
>>25928933Spontaneous RP. Shh, don't spoil it.
>>25928987>And why she picked Virginia, I have no idea.Which part of "crazy" did you misunderstand?
>>25928997Only with the drow? I get that with every. Single. Fucking. Race.PMC is suffering.
>>25928990>there is no way a FEMALE elf would serve in any combat arm of the us armed forces during ww2, we were lulzy sexist back then.>implying any of us could fucking tell the difference back then>>25928997Drow are assholes, but when they've got your back they're fucking awesome. Like the stereotypical high school douchebag who talks shit about you constantly, but if you put up with it and trade insults without provoking an actual fight, he turns out to be a total bro.
>>25928997Working for the Drow?I call bullshit!You still have fingers to type with.>>25929007Well, I can't argue that one.
>>25929028Do female elves look like their male counterparts?
>>25928990That limitation was imposed by humans, on humans.They had no say in who was eligible for Elven troops. Bet your ass that got a few panties into serious twists among the higherups.
>>25929019Never served with the dwarfs, did you? I remember my tour, they wouldnt let me touch anything. Couldn't drive anything, no radio equipment, none of their weird tunnelling things. I sometimes caught our contact officer actually cleaning my rifle.
>>25929052Generally, they're a bit more macho, even.
>>25929052The reverse, actually.Male elves looks like female elves.
>>25928126gonna have to put the bitch in her place this is your squad and you'll run it as you see fit.
>>25929052You know what they say, dude!It's not gay if you're fae!
>>25928814I doubt she'll call you George, as far as she's concerned, then you're a wet-behind-your-ears privileged pup with access to more drone, air and armoured support in a year, then your grandfather had for the entire WW2.not discounting what you do off course, but frankly it's an uphill battle to win her respect.and even then, then she might never really become one-of-the-guys so to speak, she's probably seen enough human squad members dying to fill a graveyard. and that's just on duty.some cope by not giving a fuck and enjoy the moments, other distance them self and try not to get attached, while others build up an arrogance, to soften the blow...and off course, then there's those who just go bat shit insane.
>>25929052Not any more so than all asians look identical. It's just that, unless you get one of the rare elven women who actually have a noticeable cup size, you can't tell the difference unless you're used to being around elves. Their sexual dimorphism is almost entirely facial, and we're pretty much adjusted to seeing that as an individual person trait rather than a gender thing.
>>25929079Actually, it's my fire team and her fire team. It's Staff Sergeant Alvin's Squad.Thus proceeds, my predicament.
Did the necrons attack?
>>25929070Fucking Dwarves man. The one I had in my circuit was a pretty funny dude, but he never was uptight about equipment. We got shitfaced together and went to a concert, dude was a bro.Hey, has anybody here confused a midget with a halfling or vice versa? It's kinda hard to tell 'em apart.
>>25929115Don't be ridiculous. This isn't 40k.
>>25929095Wow... that's just kind of sad, actually. Any ideas on how I could use that?Bottom line: Queen Murderblossom needs to loosen the fuck up.
>>25929123Ok, i'll be a golden dragon.I'm sure that they eat wood elves.
>>25929117>at bar on leave>kid walks in, swaggers up to counter, demands a drink>bartender tells him to get the fuck out>kicks up a shit storm about racial discrimination, how dare you mistake me for a human child, fucking bigot etc.>halfway through, woman runs over, grabs him by the back of the shirt, hauls him out of there>he really was just some fucking kid trying to get a drink underageAnd people wonder why halflings get more thorough ID checks when buying alcohol or cigarettes.
>>25929117No, but I once confused a prepubescent child for a halfling. They all say they're halflings in Bangkok. "No sah, me no human, me haaaaaafling! Twenty yeas ooooold!" Fuck that shit, man.
>>25929035Yo that's racist. Some of my best friends are Drow, you just have to get them into a social setting where all their bullshit gender warfare stuff doesn't matter.
>>25929117I dont want to sound like some nutso divergent evolutionist, but I think halflings and humans are probably actually the same species. But in answering your question, midgets tend to have awkward proportions, and only halflings have those hairy feet things.By the way, if a halfling ever requests to not wear his boots, let him. Its not a weird religious thing, its biological; they sweat like mothers, and eventually the boots going to have to come off and when it does your whole encaments going to lose their lunch. Let them bare hoof it. Besides, their leathery as all hell, the ones in our unit used to crush beer bottles under their feet for giggles.
>>25928799>Don't tell me you get to serve under ol' Heideggen!You should have been there during a joint German/French exercise.He went totally bonkers
>>25929182>>25929117That reminds me the one time we had gnomes in the squad. Dwarves don't want you to touch anything. But gnomes... oh boy the tinker everything.I caught one tinkering my handgun. It became a one-shot anti-tank cannon.Good times
>>25929177Dude! If I was some fucking scholar who knew what was really up with the elven expats, would I be on 4chan pouring my guts out about it?
> nutso divergent evolutionistWhat are you, a religious fanatic? Its well known that elves and humans share a common ancestor, also known as Dwarvin's Elves. Heck, there's people saying both species can breed into "half-elves". As if.
>>25929035>You still have fingers to type with.That's because I'm not retarded.The drow are raised to outright hate dumb people and their culture reflects it. They tend to set eachother up the proverbial bomb on a fairly regularl basis as a sort of moron test.They do something similar with the people they hire and the first test is your contract. If you don't push for lowering your pay in exchange for health benefits, they pretty much consider getting you killed as public service.
>>25929172Damn, that sneaky little punk.>>25929173I got put on contract in Bangkok once. I got my and almost got mugged. I stopped messing around after that. Is it really as bad as my shitty experience?>>25929182>>25929226I haven't seen a halfling or a gnome in the circuit yet but I guess that's just because of height. If I was trying to kill a guy who had a contractors protecting his ass I wouldn't be too afraid of somebody about as tall as my knee. Oddly enough I see dwarves here and there, so maybe not.
>>25929257And dude... you're not making me feel any better about this.
>>25929311So long you didn't murder flower plants trying to gift her a bouquet you should be fine.
>>25928963>"Hey humans improvise shit, right, why don't you go fix our tents yo?">my face duringI SWEAR I'M NOT DOING IT ON PURPOSE BUT IT JUST COMES NATURALLY
>>25929381Yeah, my point was there's a difference between "Racial affinity for shit" and "Clearly this is what you must do because you will be better at this than anything else because race!"
Elf chicks are hot.
>>25929435>"Clearly this is what you must do because you will be better at this than anything else because race!"B-but... aren't we?
Here's a good question, any of you guys seen any Orcs lately? I've seen exactly one half-orc, but never an actual orc. The hell?
>>25929455They got deported into jungles after World War Orcus
>>25929450>spend years training as a Linguist>go into internal security, work as a translator for communications monitors>slowly work my way up the ranks>head of my own sub-department, operating elven liaisons and supply office>that one elf guy in the department who always treats me like the fucking janitor, bitches about how the toilet's blocked/door hinge is stuck/his chair is unbalanced, and then stands there like he expects me to fix itMotherfucker, I have actual work to do, get the goddamn janitorial staff to deal with your bullshit, you know I can't fix things for shit. You aren't even in my department, get the fuck out.
>>25929455My country banned orcs, half-orcs and all other relatives of orcs from immigrating.So, no, never seen one.
>>25929489>not handing him a potted plant and going "Here, I'm certain you can work something out"Fight fire with ignited farts
>>25929489Yeah, nah, he's just an asshole, and that's race-independant. I had about the same "problem", got a consulting mission in an elf-heavy business, and they too expected me to solve all such problems magically. But at least, they were polite about it!
>>25929481>>25929499Hm. I was on contract in Baghdad and we had a half-orc in our security detail. He always looked like he was completely and irrevocably pissed off. I guess they're just a rare breed.Any military guys care to disagree? I didn't see any in my tours.
>>25929523This is brilliant and I am going to stock up on office plants to fuck with him.If he keeps it up I'll just start leaving them in his fucking office when he's out.
Guys, you've gotta help me. I think my captain's a fucking vampire.I started to get suspicious about two months ago, before we shipped out to the Middle East. She always squirreled herself off to her office or something during mess, always took her food with her and said she would finish it later. Which is fine and dandy, except one day we're doing inventory and I'm the one who has to go deliver the report to her. I knock her door once, twice, no response, so I decided I may as well just go in and leave it there for her to get later. What do I find? Her "lunch", completely uneaten. Three hours after she got it. I know the COs have their work cut out for them these days, managing all this interspecies logistics, but who the hell leaves food for that long?I didn't make any conclusions then, but then we went out to Afghanistan. And what would you know, on the first fucking car ride to the barracks thirty miles away, we hit an IED. Whoever it was didn't follow it up, we at least had some peace then, but we lost four humvees, a good quarter of the platoon and we were still stuck twenty miles from anywhere in the middle of no-man's land-and I know some of you are about to say "HURR, HOW'S SHE A VAMPIRE IF SHE WAS IN SUNLIGHT", and you'd be fucking stupid. Sunscreen's existed for seventy years, and it only took them a few months to make a version strong enough for vampires after the Bucharest Agreement.Anyway, we ended up in a ghost town about ten miles from the barracks when the motherfuckers who planted the bomb decided they'd had enough of our not being dead. The moment we set foot in what I presume was town square, about a good dozen insurgents kick the boards off of the windows and start shooting. We lost about four men in the crossfire and barely made it into a townhouse we could hole up in once more of them started showing up. At that point, they were high on men and bullets, but low on explosives and gall, so they decided they would starve us out. (Cont.)
>>25929455Genetic dilution, as it were. Most of the time they got shunted into gruntwork during the wars since preconceptions, so a large proportion of pure-blooded orcs were killed (relative to the halves). Now it's getting hard enough for orcs to meet other orcs and so they usually settle for half-orcs and that's what's causing the lack of them.
>>25929530>solve all such problems magicallyThe Anti-Defamation League for the Magickally Attuned and Sensitive reminds you that "magical" solutions to problems aren't easy nor cheap. Please don't perpetuate the stereotype of the lazy wizard.
>>25929555I would stop if all the wizards weren't so damn lazy.
>>25929555>>25929571Hey no. Wizards work really hard, study all the time. They put in a lot of time and effort to do what they do. They have to, poor guys.No, it's us sorcerers who are lazy.
>>25929555I was put in the protection detail of a wizard once. He made us do everything. The ADLMAS can suck my dick.
>>25929555>"magical" solutions to problems aren't easy nor cheapUNLIKE THE WIZARDS!Heyoooooooooooooo!
>>25929602Nobody likes you, you little "born bourgeouis".And nobody liked wizzurds either because the "dey had to study hart" excuse didn't make my boss any more sympathetic either, except in this case the person in question can fucking summon hot ghost bitches on demand.
>>25929144Getting her up to speed on current doctrine and equipment would be a good start. If you're lucky, then she'll hate logistic fuck up as much as you.Basically show her that you're not a fuck head and will try to do what you can to avoid getting yourself and the others killed.And I guess she'll appreciate being shown how she can kill even more efficiently with her new equipment.Following that, don't be a fuck head and get killed during your deployment, she might be one of those who doesn't even bother to really care about a human who hadn't proven himself able to survive an engagement.oh, and don't bring up shit you have seen as some kind of leverage against her, unless you have actually been on active duty before in a conflict heavy area. There's probably stuff about world war 2 that your grandfather don't want to talk about, right?well, she have seen the exact same stuff, perhaps more, giving their heightened sense and all.
>>25929552We get stuck in there for about four days with no food, water, barely any sleep and no way out of the house that isn't being watched by about six guys with AKs. Most of us manage, in the same way any starving, sleepless soldier would, nothing special, but the captain... lady starts getting all jittery. Starts stuttering. Starts going OCD, pacing about with precise stride lengths and trying to organise her kit alphabetically or something. She starts giving us these weird looks, like she was trying desperately not to hit us for no reason or something. She started licking her lips a lot, and I will eat my fucking hat if I didn't see any canines that were longer than they should have been when she did.About what was probably a week in, apparently the terrorists outside scrounged together a few grenades or something and decided to flush us out. They blew in one of the walls while I was sleeping, screaming and laying down covering fire-thank god they were awful shots or I might not be writing this. All the while the captain was just staring at the far wall, in some kind of daze... until one particularly ballsy Arab tried to knife her in the back. Ordinarily he would have killed her, from what I saw the knife should have gone straight into her lung, but she just reached back, pulled it out, and turned around. She was fucking snarling, bared her teeth like a dog, and gave the guy a solid right hook. About half his skull caved in.And after that, the whole place turned into a fucking meat grinder. I'm still trying to forget what I saw. There were more piles of blood than corpses, and when the whole thing was over, I saw her crouching over one of the more intact bodies, licking at a bullet wound on his arm. And then she looked at me. Didn't even raise her head or anything, didn't change her posture or anything, she just stared at me with eyes that looked more like rose-tinted flashlights. I could almost hear the unspoken "You saw nothing". (Cont.)
>>25929533I can tell you that they're some of the most competent soldiers you'll ever meet if you do run into one. Once saw a half-orc with a hand axe and a pistol completely clear a room. Just went straight through the door, chopped through half of one guy's neck as ye was standing tight next to it, shot two others with his pistol while hardly looking and killed the last guy by throwing his axe.The guy was a natural soldier. No fear, nothing slowed him down, and a lot faster than he looked.Didn't see him off duty, worked with a different unit
>>25928126Report her to the Colonel, she's relaxing under the tree there
>>25929674Jesus that's something out of an action movie.I was thinking about jumping back into the service but the pay's too good in the private sector.
>>25929664After that, we got shipped back to the US of A indefinitely, checking for post-traumatic stress and all. I still see her sometimes in the waiting rooms, acting like nothing happened. She does glance at me every so often, and I don't think she's angry or anything, but... she still seems suspicious. Kind of worried that's going to boil over into something worse when we go back into service.Advice, guys? I'm actually kind of scared here. I know she wouldn't ever try it on her own men, but seeing what she did in Afghanistan... I'm pretty fucking intimidated.
>>25929674Orcs dont do off duty. Most of the tribes are signed up with PMC's, last time I got to see them was doing a stint in China for the Olympics, just general security stuff. An Orc who isnt killing is an Orc prepping to kill. Their either sleeping, eating or working out. Hardly a word between them, the grunts will just follow their sergeant whenever its time to change excersise or whatever. Stone cold man.
>>25929700Eat more garlic, keep a vial of sanctified water.
>>25929664well, ever since they repealed DADT, vampos don't need to hide their true nature anymore. I met one in Landstuhl, slept in a coffin in the barracks. Pretty chill dude, had a lot of stories to tell about the Hundred Years' War.
>>25929700Vamps are part of the military, we've known it for years. Dont Ask Dont Tell doesnt work, and she should know this, but dont make a deal of it. Theres still a bunch of fogeys in the upper echelons who could make her life uncomfortable. Maybe talk to her sometime about it, make sure she knows your not one of those staker types.
Dwarves squadmate are better, "accidentally" leave a broken or damage weapon near its area and you'll find it fully repaired and workable within the next hours.
>>25929700Just ask her. Not like she'll do anthing, seems like a god-fearin' American if she stood by her squadmates for so long and kept her shit together without hurting somebody. At least it seems like it matters to her so you might have caught one of the few with a sense of morals.Given that most the rest of the squad presumably saw too and nobody ended up mysteriously dead from your description you might want to talk to her about it.
>>25929700Talk to her and try not to piss your pants.It's pretty obvious she knows you know and is contemplating the easiest way to wrap up, so I would go and get her to recognize that you're not planning to out her.
>>25929741Yeah, and it will be branded with their personal forge rune and give off a high-pitched whine when used by non-dwarves. I've been through this shit so many times as QM. Hoarding little bastards.
>>25929700Just drop it. The higher-ups almost certainly know, and you making an issue of it is just going to upset her and make the rest of your squad uncomfortable.If you're really worried about the tension, then talk to her in private. But if you trusted her to watch your back in Afghanistan, then you should still trust her, she's the same fucking person.Going blood-crazy after a siege is just the vampire equivalent of "Oh hey, I'm going to lock you in a room full of delicious food you can't eat for ages, then when you're starving I'm going to threaten you with a knife while carrying a tray of freshly-grilled steaks".
> she > front lines in the 40s yeah, okay
>>25929700Ask yourself this question: do you still trust her to watch your back, and do everything she can to bring you back home safely?I fully understand that what you saw shook you badly, but in tthe end, it's not worse than serving alongside a human with some extreme tendencies. And the army has a long story of accepting those with a "don't ask, don't tell" policy as long as they do it on the enemy, do their job, and look out for their comerades.And if you really think it's too bad, you can always request transfer to another unit.
>>25929715Shit, really? Makes me wonder why I haven't seen an Orc yet while on contract.They don't really seem to be the kinda guys to do the 'Stand Around and Watch' deal. Maybe I should start signing up for the more dangerous jobs.>>25929700Vamps are pretty bro if they like you. She didn't suck you dry while you were under siege, so I'm guessing that she likes you guys at least well enough to not kill you. I'd say just drop it.
I was on patrol with, my squad's mostly human, we've got an orc, and an undead for non humans. It might come off as obvious, but it's hard to believe just how fucking durable the undead are. He's on point when some assdick jumps us with a from an alleyway. Most of us got out in time. Not our good old Zed pointman though. Shrapnel tears his legs off from the knee down. It wasn't pretty, let me tell youThe fucker doesn't miss a beat. He's sat against a wall, slotting the Taliban fighters before most of us got our dicks out of the dirt. Needless to say, I never spoke of his horrible stench around him again.
>>25929804>undead that don't walk around in MOPP gear all daydisgustingI'd recommend perfume but it does nothingat least the MOPP keeps most of the stench inside
>>25929761Well, to be fair, the weapon must've turned into something very high quality if they brand a forge rune on to it, worth the trade I suppose.Just tell him to remove the whine since that'll just fuck up stealth.
>>25929811Which is why he practically swims in Cologne. It doesn't help much though.
>>25929837tell him to get a hazmat suit and duct tapelots of duct tape
>>25929804>>25929811Did no one think of getting the guy Formalin or something?
>>25929847Theres some guys who can get you desicated and smelling musty rather than rotten, but its pretty top dollar.Source: Girlfriends a twice alive
>>25929804I thought only mummified undead were cleared for desert ops.
>>25929862Well I suppose if he'd lay down in the sand in his undies and bake for a couple of days it'd end up mostly the same, right
>>25929847That's why they always wear full CBRN here.Not like they can get heatstrokes or something, right?
>>25928795Threehundred and ninetyeight sweetie.Simo Hanya for humanity an Ohrug the sleepwalker for the orcs. Captcha: naughty messmix
>>25929847He's a third generation Jiangshi, they don't really rot further than they did. They just smell like they do.Speaking of which, he saved us from a pretty nasty green on blue incident recently. He caught the poor guy with his tounge. Sucker was screaming and begging for him not to eat him. The Lieutenant ordered us back to,our bunks, and I assume you can figure out what happenes.
>>25930641I thought the sticker prevented them from rotting.
>>25930641Third generation?How does it work with undeads? Forgive my ignorance but I've never met one.You know, Italy isn't exactly welcoming for them... fucking vatican...
>>25930754I don't like religion but they got dat shit down the right way for sure. One of the only states in the world where you can be somewhat sure that all the votes and public decisions aren't 100% rigged by dominated or temporarily ghouled citizens, fucking undead, fucking vamps.Dance in the Vampire Bund wasn't a lovestory, it was a documentation on how everything can go wrong.
>>25930754>Implying you don't owe the fact you aren't shambling around looking for brains thanks to exorcists trained by the church or using techniques they developped.The church may be full of perverts and greedy assholes but keeping bonebags away from our country is the single right thing they have ever done.
>>25930807I want /pol to leave
>>25930754I think it means the third person the curse was passed to, each generation getting further away from the 'true' definition of the species.3rd gen Jiang shi lack the rigor mortis of their 1st gen counterparts.
>>25930835>Implying they didn't help the nazis come up with reanimation rituals in first place.Keep justifying the church to justify your necrofobia bro, I'm sure it will work allright in the long term,.
>>25930867Jesus christ, I bet you believe the whole "Mendele dopplegangers" shit - fucking summerfags...
We had a paladin in our unit. They tried to transfer some poor unborn airhead. They did not like each other, let me tell you that.Wasn't the poor girl's fault she died at birth.
>>25930807You honestly believe in that "Vampires are secretly running the Government" conspiracy crap?Citations, please.
>>25930923I's a bit like saying "it's not a wolf's fault he's a wolf".You still wouldn't let him around a flock of sheeps.Look, I know I sound nasty and I know there are decent undeads out there too - just as I'm sure that there are pittbulls that are playful and safe to leave around kids. It's just not what the breed is known for.
ITT: The reason I stay the fuck out of the military.Besides the fact with how multiracial every branch is now, you can say some random shit and SOMEBODY gets pissed off by it. Heard a half orc nearly ripped one MP's arm off because he was making fun of how 'green' the new recruits were.No thanks.
Yees, yees dear humans! Defend us, fight for ou rights! You know how good it feels to have our incisors in your neck, you know how great it feels when we suckle and lick on you! If you want others to share this great feeling then vote! Vote for vampire rights in every county and every prefecture! Soon, everyone in the whole world will be able to feel the greatness of being allowed into a vampire's subjug- I mean embrace!
>>25930963>secretlyThey are pretty fucking open about it in the eastern repubblics.
You should probably find out how old she is and how long she's been doing the whole 'war' thing. Just saying. If she's been a soldier for over 700 years there's a good chance she'll soon enter the raistrad. Which can be all good if you're in a bind, but it's pretty alarming when your squadmate suddenly gets so angry they start burning through their skin, headbutts an oncoming jeep, and explodes.So, yeah, you want to be ready for that.
>>25931011[Dude, seriously, that's just lazy. Go find a proper vampire caricature.]
>>25930889Mendele's work with werewolfs is well known - I don't find it all that crazy that he might have played a role in the whole changeling accident.
>>25931036>lazypaint is hard ;__;
Holy Fuck, guys anyone serve with Dragonborn? God Fucking Damn these clowns practically made me shit my pants. And I was at the yufor incident
>>25931049As a MD myself I'm pretty damn disturbed by one thing: without that crazy psycho's work we would stil be hundred miles from curing lychantropy.And the pils to keep catfolks calm during heat? still a byproduct of his research on hormones....all nice and fun until you think the kind of shit he did to achieve those results...
>humans acting butthurt over undeadYou know, according to higher planar definitions, you guys don't classify as truly alive either.
>>25931077I did once, during the Yugoslavian civil war. Fucker was built like a brick shithouse and was as hard as one. Saw him charge into one of those "purge squads" while they were firing on him, gutted the fuckers with his bare hands.Hardcore motherfuckers.
>>25931103I couldn't care less about the dead/alive status, I have a problem with the whole "oh whoops my teeth slipped into your neck guess you'll do everything I tell you and the rest of the world is none the wiser" thing.
>>25931082Aw, shit, typo. Riastrad. You should probably look up some elvish metaphysiology. It's what happens when an elf no longer has any reason to keep living, or has reached a point where they cannot psychologically interact with the rest of the world in any meaningful sense. Generally you can see it coming if the elf is exceptionally long lived, secluded, and has been doing one thing for a long time. Symptoms close enough to those of human depression can also precursor it.Basically, it's a death rage. The spiritus major aspect of the elf literally burns its way out of their physical body. During this time they'll exhibit heightened strength and uncontrollable anger, before finally exploding as the SM exits the body in a single surge.It's often triggered by seemingly no-win situations.
>>25931077Well, I don't know how about you /k/ommandos, but in my district (Eastern Europe) we have one in riot police. When recently a gang of nosferatus from even easterner Europe that settled in a nearly town started giving us trouble (You know, the usual, missing virgins, vandalised garlic patches, Kosher restaurants break ins) she was deployed to handle them.Alone. Well, there was an auxiliary squad of water elementals to limit collateral damage, but she was the only to enter a confrontation.There were no survivors.It was quite spectacular, really. I understand it was something of a shock and awe she is used for, I can't imagine the Department of Mystic Threats to be able of handing such generous reconstruction compensations on regular basis, especially with recent cuts to Union budget.
>>25931120Any mage can do much more than that and worse. Any psion, too.
>>25928126(wakes up after pulling a real late nighter)(reads this thread)(feels good man)never change /tg/. i love this.maybe i should tell the story about the dwarf recruit we got on my M777 howitzer squad some day.
>>25931145Wow. That's impressive.It also puts the many stories of heroic defence of Elvish settlements into completely new light. I always thought those were exaggerations meant to bolster one's resolve.
>>25931156That's why those professions are regulated and policed by respective Guilds, even above and beyond regular and irregular police and internal security bodies.
>>25931156Still doesn't make it any better.
>>25931156Two wrongs don't make a right. And at least the mages are not infectious. Since when were "races", I mean, fucking races, a transmitted disease anyway?
>>25931181>(wakes up after pulling a real late nighter)>(reads this thread)>(feels good man)(actions)Please don't do that anymore.
>>25931156Yes.It also takes years to train one and they are, fundamentally, human. They don't suddenly crave your red, warm, sticky blood. Also, charm spells are more easily detectable and controllable....BTW, how's that law about obligatory blood checks to senators going? I can't fucking believe there is anyone dumb enough to oppose it.
>>25931270>implying people would ever oppose itthey are among them already
>>25931270>...BTW, how's that law about obligatory blood checks to senators going? I can't fucking believe there is anyone dumb enough to oppose it.It has more to do with them not wanting the world to find out how much coke they snort.
>>25931319>It has more to do with them not wanting the world to find out how much coke they snort....a likely excuse.
>>25931210Vampires are designated as a subtype of whatever race they were originally. With all the rights of the race. >>25931270>fundamentally, humanWhen has this ever been an requisite for being afforded basic rights? Dwarves are not fundamentally human, elves are not fundamentally human, etc. Civilization requires a level of trust. Sylvan elves and dryads trust humans not to give in to their impulses and deforest the shit out of their homes. We trust mages not to abuse their abilities. We can afford the same trust to undead. If they abuse that trust then they are punished as individuals who have broken the law.
You may have to frag her.She might just end up sharing a tent with a live hand grenade one evening.
>>25931077I'm gonna tell this story. This was, maybe, two years ago, yeah two years ago. I don't know if Y'all remember those Orc Pirates who were raiding ships in the Phillipines/ But nobody wanted to touch them? And then one day it just stopped. Yeah three dragonborn plus myself can be thanked for that. Should I continue?
>>25931346Ignoring the fact that while a single mage can run out of spells and it takes years for him to be trained a single vamp can spawn like kudzu and ghoulify to his heart content.Also >Sylvan elves and dryads trust humans not to give in to their impulses and deforest the shit out of their homesAnd how well is it working for them? Because last time I checked dryads are becoming less and less common, with at most a dozen being born in the whole world per year.
(Think we should archive this, guys?)
>>25931346There's a difference between trust and a creature that is designed to undermine everything civilization is built upon, especially ours. Humans don't have to deforest woods. Mages don't have to cast domination spells on people. Vampires however do have to drink blood and just as an aside dominate the person they drink from. Inb4 Red Cross Blood Sharing Service, the max loadout those guys have been handing out per year is barely fiftythousand liters, roughly a tenth of what the corresponding vamp population needs. I can imagine where they get the rest of the blood they require.
>>25931424not really no
>>25931155In North America deployment of that sort of asset is usually reserved for special circumstances, and it's always accompanied by restrictions. In military deployments they're sometimes used as anti-technical/anti-building.There's really nothing more terrifying than having a dragon-man or dragon-lady pidgeonhole through the wall of whatever building you're hiding in, followed rapidly by a stream of guys in heavy armor with big guns who aren't in the habit of asking for things nicely.
>>25931424Yeah do it.
>Talk of Elves, Vampires, Dwarves, Halflings and Gnomes in the military>Not a word of the Centaur Snipers
>>25931441Mostly via the direct feeding serviceVampires don't have to turn those they bite, and they certainly don't have to drain all the blood in a person, and a guy can earn quite the pretty penny by letting vampires at his neck.
>>25928126Don't make the mistake of thinking about her as a very old human - this is the basic error most people do.Remember that their psychology is fundamentally different from ours and to be honest, outside fro some fundamental lines of thinking all elves share, they are very different from one another - the older they are, the more noticeable this gets.
>>25931483>Centaur SnipersHow the fuck would they even conceal themselves
>>25931011FINALLY, somebody got it right.
>>25931443Well, can't complain, I can't. Hemophilia-related crime dropped by an order of magnitude in my region and by a significant amount across the nation.>>25931394Please do>>25931424This kind of thread is not really uncommon, and people like to play along. Alternate themes include future, space or galactic politics
>>25931501>Concealing themselves>Implying you can see them at 1.75 km>Implying you will even get the chancePut three on a hill. Two kilometer lockdown.
>>25931501By distance and camouflage?
>>25931483They kind of suckI mean, they have the eye for it, but a sniper rifle has range beyond what they're built for, and they have a hard time crouching low enough to lay one on the ground, forcing them to hold it steady with their hands.It's funny isn't it? 500 years ago centaurs were the best marksmen in the world, now the best sniper in the world is a depth-preceptionless cyclops
>>25931514>Put three on a hill>Dude spots them>Calls in a mortar strikeAnd let's not even talk about how utterly useless they are in urban warfare
>>25931490>being this naiveI'm pretty certain a lot of people like giving themselves over completely to someone who could turn their mind inside-out with the snap of his fingers.Four times a week.Thrall pls go.
>>25931520I've seen a few that actually just take shots on the go. They just start moving, stop, take a shot, and keep going. I didn't even know what the guy was shooting at until we got to the encampment. >Mfw I was pointman for the day>mfw we break down the doors>mfw everyone was dead.So maybe sniper is the wrong term, but I'm pretty sure there aren't that many non-centaurs that can snipe accurately while at full sprint (or gallop as the case may be).
>>25931524Weren't built for urban warfare, I'll give them that, but Centaurs are hella-good on the hill. It's rather unlikely that anyone spots them before they spot, oh, anyone within a couple of miles, and if they are spotted they've been clocked at 60 on decent terrain. There's a marksman around here that can hit a target a half-mile away scopeless, Centaurs got crazy-good distance vision.
>>25931441Vampires aren't designed to do anything. They have free will, and are subject to choice. And they don't have to drink the blood of sapients, so are very much able to subsist on animal blood. So, no, the truth of "how do vampires get their blood" is not some ridiculous conspiracy shit where every vampire has a secret bloodslave.>>25931414Actually, there are limits to how many ghouls or thrall vampires a single vampire can control, based on age and personal will. And there are limits to how many times a vampire can propagate - the process is not without effort. A mage must be trained, but this doesn't change the power they wield. And it doesn't account for the various biped and non-biped species with inborn abilities far more formidable than those of a vampire.The only think you're right about is that forest protection needs to get tighter. But we can't just institute a 'no humans' law because humans burn down forests.
>>25931531Amulets of protection against evilprevents mind controlall mind control.Expensive as all hell, but worth it if you're worried about vampiric enthrallment
>>25931558>Centaurs got crazy-good distance vision.And most armies have drones and binoculars
>>25931572>DronesMoney cost of drones is a mite bit silly when you think about it.>BinocularsYou scan with a set of binoculars at about 2 seconds per 20 degrees vision for accuracy. Centaurs do 2 seconds 90 degrees, with their eyes, with greater distance and precision.
>>25931567>And they don't have to drink the blood of sapients, so are very much able to subsist on animal blood.What the fuck kind of vampire are you talking about?it's a well known fact that they need the blood of sentients, even the vampire community themselves don't deny it.Stop pulling shit out of your ass
>>25931394Alright, Here we go!Being a poor fag who wanted to go to law school, I enlisted in the Airforce. I went for CRO because pararescue fuck yes. Now, trying to compete against elves and Drow for those spots WAS the hardest thing I'd ever done, but that's besides the point. Fresh out of training I was assigned to the 97th Combined Arms unit. I assumed you know, I 'd be dropping in with wood elves, or perhaps Paladins to rescue people. Boy was I wrong. I was assigned to three Dragonborn savages, whose tribal scarring and snarling feature were quite the sight. I learned I wasn't actually there to lead, I was to make sure they didn't actually eat anyone they weren't supposed to.
>>25931156I actually feel sorry for the mind-benders. I served under one in the sandbox, best CO a guy could ask for. Then the first time the man uses his powers to make one target shoot another one the entire squad starts to wonder if they're being forced to think that. They all transfer out, and the cycle just repeats itself for the new recruits. I stuck with him, and it turns out I was his only friend stateside. Poor bastard blew his brains out last week. I bet I'll be one of the few people that show up to his funeral.
>>25931568Fun fact: they don't dispel existing thralldom.Now, ask thyself: would it take a vamp a lot toa) take an amulet off someoneb) ghoulify himc) put the amulet back
>>25931568Great, so I am protected with a trinket that costs three month salaries.What about my senators, my congressmen, all the other voters in my state?This isn't a race, it's a massive-scale security hazard.
>>25931552YesThey're cavalry, the only cavalries still used. They're mid-range because what was long range 200 years ago is now mid-range.
>>25931627Wait, 1.75 km is mid range?
>>25931614I have never seen a politician not wearing an amuletNor have I ever seen any voting facility without a cleric on hand to detect mind-controlIt's common fucking sense, there's way too many groups out there with access to mind-controlling capabilities for the security to not be there.Gods, have you been living under a rock since before the civil war or something?
>>25931567Well yeah mister smartypants, if we want to get evolutional then even humans are not designed to reproduce, it's just something that coincidentially happens like that. They still outbreed everyone on the planet anyway. There is such a thing as trends and stuff certain species are just made to do. And vamps apparently are good at being underminers of every norm I took for granted.
>>25931679>designed to reproduceNigga u dum
>>25931672Thralldom is largely a mix of chemicals in the blood of vamps, manipulation and magic.It is not as easily detectable as a charm spell - not saying it can remain completely undetected but it's not as the press says - divinations are not as accurated as you think.All this not counting ancients, by the way.
On the original subject, OP, it's not that your Elf is crazy, it's that you're human and she's a hundred if not hundreds of years old. Elves don't like to make friends with humans because they tend to die of old age. Add war ontop of that and they die even faster, because the elf is quicker, has better senses, and never sleeps.The Warface is a defense mechanism - what we would consider severe PTSD is a mental exercise performed by Elves to seperate their "soldier" identity from their "civilian" identity so they don't go home after service and start shooting up schools or hang themselves.It's unlikely she'll ever warm up to you, explain new military doctrine to her as a matter of EFFICIENCY and she'll accept it. Elves are almost always perfectionists. They'll adapt to new things if they're really a better way to do it (unlike dwarves), you just have to convince her that modern tactics and technology aren't just a flash-in-the-pan distraction.
>>25931567>Implying elves wouldn't impose anti human laws if they still could.Jesus christ, we may not live as long as them but I cannot be the only one who remembers how humans were treated in the high elve's empire. And some of the pointy ears who owned my grand grandma are still alive and healty.
>>25931599Now, those damn pirates had been harassing shipping lanes for over a year by this point, and were doing a damned good job of it. So, My team of three Dragon born were sent to cleanse it. And Cleanse we did. I don't know if you've ever seen these fuckers air drop in, but, it's a sight that you never forget. Bastards need fuck huge canopies and scream and spew fire the whole time. Needless to say, we were being swarmed by the time we hit the ground. Now, most humans fare very poorly against orcs in CQC, and I was no exception, though at least thanks to the Vorenus legislation I did have a gladius. And holy Hell did I need it. Granted I killed A orc, after running away for the most part, but man did I get the Dragonborns respect. But after about 15 minutes, every Fucking greenie on the island was either in pieces or cooked. I'll never forget the smell. I've done a couple more Ops with other "Savage" races, none can hold a candle to the Dragonborn of Pyro squad. >Pic related
>>25931199some day later. just dropping in from work. i really shouldn't be here right now.
I had a urban elf in my unit.... once.She was a such a sweetie and a hippie rolled in to be such an incredible marksmen... well at least until she wanted me to try her lunch.Had to be evacuated due to food poisoning. She felt so bad she stayed at my side the whole time. Would been such an interracial scandal if they we didn't declare each other a couple.
>>25931784What the fuck was she eating that it gave you food poisoning.Why the fuck would people care if some dumbass human got food poisoning from an Elf's food, but not care because they decided they were fucking.Look, you tapped that elven ass, you're proud of that, we're all proud of you anon. But shake the lovey stars out of your head, in a few decades you'll be old and she'll be fresh as a daisy and that'll be the end of that
>>25931598Even Carpathian bluebloods can drink the blood of nonsentients. They just say they can't, because they're hoighty toighty old world cunts who want to keep drinking human blood. There are entire subgroups of vampires that have traditionally eaten certain nonsentient species for centuries, particularly across Southeast Asia and Western Europe.As long as it's warm, it works.
>>25931784I was about to complain, but>Urban Elf>Probably enlisted civvieLucky jerk. The only two elves I've ever been in units with were really cold and distant like>>25931718
>>25931802I think that's a bit wrong.I've seen a vampire drink crocodile blood before.Then again, I've also seen a vampire die, like, actually have their soul leave this world forever, due to a spider-bite.Living in Australia is WEIRD
>>25931828Current theory is that Australia was subject to a realspace drift from one of the hell planes somewhere in its prehuman development. Would explain the high number of fiendish genetic markers found in its fauna.
Kindred and kin most sublime, brothers of bloodand those aligned to the most effluent folk of gracewhose name is known throughout the worldly broodAs the Aelfan people of ancient solace,Hearken to my story most comical and drollOf the time I served alongside a human upon a grassy gnoll
>>25931752Very impressive. It's a good thing that we foiled the "humon supremacy" coup back then. I'd hate to see a civil war that would probably eradicate almost everyone.It's not like that sort of things did not happen in the past.
>>25931850In warfare most dire we were embroiled,Against the kindred of kobold and trollWhose malcontent had the peace spoiled,And brought against our nation violence and toilSo allied with the humans we were we made standIn full panoply within the jungles of Gojong's hand.Wholly unprepared for this war were our drum-eared friendsIll equipped for the dirt and moisture which plaguedOur forces supply and arms to no insufferable end.Rations would become rotten and guns befouled,whilst the clumsy humans senses and temperamentwere unsuited completely to that jungled land and it's sediment
>>25931806Don't take it personally.I've served with humans. I even bedded one. We were greatness. We marched into Berlin together when Hitler invoked Ghulghammanrond in a last ditch attempt to turn the tide of his war. When we helped raise the flags we thought we were both invincible. But then I turned around and she was gone. Did you know, we don't have the same aversion to the physical signs of aging that you do? They're without context to us, after all. You can still appear beautiful to us on your last day, and no matter how old you are you can still catch us off guard when you disappear.
>>25931718Really, it depends on the age of the elf, relative rank, how you attained that rank, and the sort of unit you're in.I went through basic and OCS, served for a while as a butterbars, and found myself transferred into a newly reformed parachute infantry regiment in charge of a company with four platoons: a weapons platoon commanded by a dragonborn first Lieutenant (my XO), a rifle company lead by an elf Second Lieutenant who had served in the unit as an NCO during the Korean War, and two rifle companies commanded by human Second Lieutenants. One of those was fresh out of OCS, and the other was a West Pointer. Here's what all that leads up to: of the four other commissioned officers in the Company, the elf lieutenant treated three of us like replacements at first. The dragonborn got a pass from the start. After leading the unit for a few weeks, both of them warmed to me a fair bit as it became obvious that I had my shit straight. The Lt. out of OCS? She got used to him eventually. Never really LIKED him, just tolerated him on a professional level. Same went for the senior NCOs.The West Pointer she never really learned to like, since it was obvious he wasn't an experienced combat leader and he made a lot of rookie mistakes. Eventually I had to take sides, and sent him back to battalion to serve as a G-2. So elf officers CAN get used to new face, it's just hard for them to see you as anything but a replacement for their buddies that are all either old or dead.
>>25931945So it was we endeavored to divide the labor fairlybetwixt our two peoples in a manner fair and strategic.The nation we divided into parcels of land barelyrational yet by some means valuable to tactic.Hill 37 we were stationed to take and guardIt's name of "dead-meat hill" became well earned
>>25931511>HemophiliaGod...because if we stop calling them vampires they'll stopp sucking people dry uh?
>>25931989At the first assault the humans excelled,their natural aggression and build allowingfor great resistance to wounds which would have felledAelfan soldiers whose form resembles more a springCoiled tightly around slight bones and sinewwith which sudden controlled bursts we thrust and hewThe fighting was bloody and brief, and manymen and women fell to the canny traps of koboldkind whilst the slavering jaws of trollish gluttonyconsumed others who advanced too bold.But at last the butchery was through andthe unnamed hill we had well in hand.>captcha reveries muhavel
>>25932039>still having captcha4chan pass master racesupporting god emperor moot errydae
I'm not sure which was worse, The Dragonborn, the Elf, or the Dwarf when I served. Scratch that, the Elf was just fine, although a little on the crazy side. The other two, you know I though Dwarves were supposed to be bros, instead they're like fucking mechanical nazis, if you so much as went near a machine and the Sarge didn't make them do PT until THEY dropped (meaning your entire unit was fucked for the day) you got the look like they wouldn't think twice about killing you in your sleep.
>>25932039In the holding it was more difficult still,for the enemy endeavored with artillery and snipersto retake our prize, that blood and flesh soaked hill.So with the iron grip of a surgeons caliperwe dug into the turf defended only by bagsof sand and dead bodies piled to sag>>25932045I declare moot to have consigned himself to the race of the Gnomes
>>25931956Reminds me of an elf major I worked with for a bit.I was never in the military as a soldier in any sense, my speciality was always law, but she recognised my last name, and thought that I'd be a perfect replacement for the last man in my family to join the military, a man who had served under her in the franco-prussian war, my great-great-grandfather.She told me every time I had to present a document to her that it was shameful I was doing a desk job rather than fighting like he did. She wouldn't stop telling me how disappointing it was that I wasn't a hero like him. I think she still resents me for it even today
>>25932089It's hard to explain if you weren't there. The stirring vision of Calvary mustering upon the hill. The perfect order and grace of columns of men marching in step, weapons braced, united by discipline and martial pride. And then the crush of battle itself, a mad rush of horror and joy and the bitter sting of pain and the elation of victory or defeats agony.Unbreakable bonds were formed in those days, when soldiers of all races would come together to face overwhelming threats. Nobunaga, Ghengis Khan, Napoleon, Hitler.
>>25932088stop trying to compose in iambic you old faggot, or this will take all day
>>25932089Did you try the old trick with handing her a potted plant and telling her maybe that will be a better conversational partner? You've got to draw lines somewhere and just because they live longer doesn't excuse them from basic cranial activity (I want to say, be elf =! DURR HURR I GET TO TURN MY BRAIN OFF HURR).Look at halflings, flaming up a storm wherever they get confused for teenagers. So they get tobut humans don't?
>>25932139fine fuck you>>25932088Anyway we were in Korea dug into this hill (why the humans insisted on taking ground and holding it I have no idea, I blame the dwarves) and of course the fucking kobolds are always trying to take it back, taking potshots at us and driving trolls to charge the line all day and night and always the artilleryOf course the humans hated it - being nearly blind and deaf and having to sleep every so many hours it played hell on their morale. Eventually we realized if we depended on them we were doomed so we started looking at them more like portable meat-filled sandbags.We got in trouble for trying to pile their bodies onto the embankment :(
>>25932144You know it might have been a civvy elf who got shell shocked in Franco-Prussia, then again, it's not like Dwarves are any better. Try calling IT with a dwarf at the helm.
This thread is amusing.>>25931806Back in 'Nam I served with a couple elves, one in particular was a HUEy pilot. I got slotted in as a doorgunner for a couple months after some combat losses, and had time to talk with the elf while we were waiting for the next insertion to be called up.He always struck me as reserved, as though he knew what was going to happen, but truth is, anyone or all of us could have died if our chop went down in the bush. I asked him one day, "If we're all going to die in a crash together, why do you insist on being a distant bastard?""I've crashed 6 times out here, lost my crew every single time, the thing that kills you isn't the crash. It's the jungle, it eats men alive. My mother is a wild elf, I learned how to survive in the shit 200 years ago. Can't pass it on in 20 minutes though."Funny thing is, he died on our next lift out, same one where I picked up my purple heart and disabled vet's benefits. We got a line on a VC general working some covert plans in our AOO, so they sent in a helifleet to lay down the law.Lot's of AA though, ZSU's and some of those open topped T-63s, we were 45 seconds from touchdown, I was lighting up one of those T-63s that was off to our left flank when I find myself hanging in my harness looking at my arm dangling from the gun. A round punched straight through the cockpit, killed the knifey, straight through his chest, punched the wall and took my arm. He must have been alive for a little while because he managed to put us down hard on the skids. Never did get to the funeral what with being stuck in the hospital and all, I heard it was nice, they gave him a bronze star for his heroic action, saving the rest of the crew while bleeding out.Sure elves are distant, I guess they have their reasons though, combat mask, or just not caring. I'm not sure, but in the end, they're dedicated and I'd rather have one cold elfy bastard watching my back than a dozen humans who think they're hot shit.
>>25932089She'll get over it. They usually do, given enough time. And if you get them to invest, they're yours for life.When they eventually disbanded my Company, I got some of the officers and senior NCOs to come do contract work for the Army CID with me. It's not quite like working for the JAG, but it's a nice split between active combat situations and brainy detective work. As it turns out we have a particularly diverse array of skills, and still work well together.
>>25932178Could have been, I still try to keep my distance from her though
>>25928511I know your pain...
>>25931949That's actually... quite touching.Damn you.
>>25932258I'm not working directly under her anymore. It's not a problem like it used to be.Still awkward to bump into her in the hall though
Considering thay we've all served with non humans, has anyone fought one? I remember fighting a lycanthrope in the Middle East. The only way me and a mate made it out of there was a lucky tracer that lit his fur on fire. Otherwise, it was absolutely terrifying. He fucking ate a half a mag of 5.56 from my 36C before he even flinched. Not to mention his fucking claws that could probably rip through light armor.
>>25932264I'm not saying Elves are great people, fuck they're all a little fucked in the head when it comes to short term planning, but fuck man, at least get that she might still be recovering from something like that.Once had a dwarf boss who served in the trenches, fucker still couldn't take cubicles, explained it to me as him being one of the goddamn few in his unit that didn't end up with his head being shot, or drowning in mud. And of those that remained 3 were dwarves, and two died from Portuguese Flu.Though one can say none of them are orcs, fucking vertgers.
>>25932179Shit, I was in the 87th, clearing tunnels, if you think the VC are bad, when they decided to pull in the northern KBs. Tunnel hell took on a whole new meaning, the scaly little bastards are descened from satan. VC might lay out a mesh floor with punji's in a pit. KB's will lay out a mesh floor, drop you into some shit smeared razorwire, then when your buddy is trying to pull you out, the pour some oil down the tunnel, light it up and burn your friend out while your struggling in the wire. A dead man slows down the group for a minute, a wounded man slows down the group for the whole OP. KB's man, fuckem. I don't like to think I'm racist, but damn, spics, chinks, nigs, I'll drink with any of them. You let a KB walk into a bar where I've had a few, it's on. At least I never got caught in a drow bunker, I heard about a squad in the 7th, they found those guys like 2 years later. Alive and well, except there was nothing going on upstairs, until they encounted that colonel, Bronson I think his name was. They jumped on him like a group of catfolk in heat, I heard they needed to hose out his office afterwards. Drow are scary in their own way.
>>25932323Inb4 horde of nonhumans come here and push their percieved badassery in my faceoh wait I'm too latehi wolfie how's it going, getting mooned recently?>tfw part of the strongest race>tfw the part that makes us strongest is that there's a neverending horde of us>tfw that will never be done justice anywhere because the lone fighter that kills a billion enemies and then dies heroically is so much cooler>tfw the only use in stories is to be that billion casualties before the killfeels GOOD MAN EAT IT EVERYONE HAHAHAHA HE WHO WINS LAST WINS BEST
>>25928839You clearly never heard of the Dead Man Walking. The guy killed so many people as soldier in the line of duty he was thought to be a war criminal. When they tried to capture them he killed them all. Any pursuers fell to traps. Last I heard the guy still alive and killing somewhere. Of course he isn't on the list due to being 'disqualified'. Interesting enough the guy is still isn't undead.
>>25932381Why does everyone seem to suggest this? The sargeant I was working with under her even suggested this.I'd honestly consider it if I wasn't worried that she may have boinked my great-great-grandpa, which would just make things really awkward
>>25932414Elves are tsundere for humans by nature.The fact she even notices you exist means she cares.She's probably upset and trying to work out the fact you aren't your GGGranpa, who she probably did fuck.Giving her the dick will probably make it worse. But the dick giveth, and the dick taketh away
>>25932414You're a human. If you're not boning everything that's hot and ready to take you then something is going wrong.
>>25932386>troll detectedSeriously, all you fucking greenskins look the same to me, still killing each other over smudged sneakers?
>>25932458I'm human you scrub.
>>25932468Sure you are buddy. And Lil Waaagh is a man of African descent.
>>25932386I have a feeling I know who you're talking about, and I'm not him.>implying I'm not a human as well.
>>25932453I don't want to make it worse, I want her to stop viewing me as a stain on my GGGrandpa's memory>>25932454I am not a pervert, and I still don't think she;s "ready to take me"
>>25932538You're shaming your grandpa by not tapping that elven ass. Seriously, even the "demure" ones who are shorter lived are fucking freaks in the sack.
>>25932538>pervert>feeding inches of your meat into dat steaming-hot elvan pussy>pervertedIt's what you're basically made to do mate. If your grandaddy could see you give it to her he'd be proud.
You know how all those humans berate each other for not treating you as one of their own, and when you accidentally burst in the showers drunk suddenly due their customs they must separate you from them?Its silly.
>>25932593Grammar does not work that way, try again please.
>>25932601cut her some slack, she's a Naga, we're lucky she even knows english>>25932593is it true Japan is just constant femdom rape?
>>25932629Goddamn Lamirez! How the fuck would she like it if I joined the Amazonian Marines and only spoke English?
>>25932538Elves wouldn't put it out there if they didn't expect someone to bite. Besides, you're really not going to be all that impressive to her anway, remember she's probably been knocking boots for 200 years.On the other hand, for you, she will rock your world up down, back forth, left right left right, straight from the start. Let me tell you, experience is a key factor in having a good time, and for whatever reason, elves in general seem to have a lot of experience even if they only get an opporunity to do it once a year, thats still a hundred+ times to draw upon.Take what you can get, sure it may spoil human women for you, but it's going to be worth it. She might even warm up to you a little afterwards, elves seem to enjoy those little intimate connections they make all over the place, maybe it makes them feel a little...human?
>>25932323Orcs man. Like I said I fought em. Fuckers are strong as hell. I only managed to kill the one I did because after emptying a full magazine of 5.56 he stumbled and I managed to take off his head. if I ever had to fight against my Dragonborn mates though I'll just kill myself, save them the mess
>>25932658>elves >good at sexHurhur where do you come from, maybe once every three years and then it's like clearing the cobwebs out of the closet of you get my drift.
>>25932658Put what out? All she's been doing is looking down on me and generally just shooting me looks of disappointment whenever we pass each other, I think all you people are reading far too much into this
>>25932716>Not appreciating milfs.I bet you've never even touched an older woman.
>>25932716Beats every other female out there, Last one I had was a fucking freak.>>25932750She's a GGGGMILF
>>25932687>>25932687REMOVE LEMBAS remove lembasyou are worst human. you are the human idiot you are the human smell. return to america. to our human cousins you may come our contry. you may live in the zoo….ahahahaha ,elves we will never forgeve you. cetnik rascal FUck but fuck asshole human stink elf sqhipere shqipare..human genocide best day of my life. take a bath of dead turk..ahahahahahELF WE WILL GET YOU!! do not forget ww2 .dwarves we kill the king , dwarves return to your precious mongolia….hahahahaha idiot human and elf smell so bad..wow i can smell it. REMOVE LEMBAS FROM THE PREMISES. you will get caught. russia+usa+dwarf+halfling=kill elf…you will ww2/ tupac alive in Orcland, tupac making album of orc . fast rap tupac Orc. we are rich and have gold now hahahaha ha because of tupac… you are ppoor stink human… you live in a hovel hahahaha, you live in a yurttupac alive numbr one #1 in Orcland….fuck the Halfling,..FUCKk ashol humans no good i spit in the mouth eye of ur flag and contry. 2pac aliv and real strong wizard kill all the human farm aminal with rap magic now we the Orc rule .ape of the zoo presidant georg bush fukc the great satan and lay egg this egg hatch and Elf wa;s born. stupid baby form the eggn give bak our clay we will crush u lik a skull of pig. Orc greattst people
>>25932729It's obvious signals m8, she wants to ride you hard and "break you in" if you get my drift. Try to spend some more time around her, talk to her more, maybe clear up who you really are and then just you wait, the pussy will come to you, not the other eay around.
>>25932750>>25932776They got the experience of GGGGMILF with a body of a young hottie. Absolutely the best.
>>25932787Oh some greenskin thinks he's cute.
>>25932804>>25932776Well then, got any stories to share?
>>25932729You need to be assertive, unless she has a ring, they're open to offers most of the time. When you've got some leave, suggest going to dinner with her, it doesn't matter who or what you are, eating dinner by yourself will make you feel lonely and no one can survive like that. She'll open up, just ask around and see if anyone else knows what she likes for dinner. It will be obvious you asked, but better to ask and have a nice dinner, also shows your interest.She's probably been on hundreds of dates, I doubt you'll rank in the top 20, but she must have a reasonable expecation by now.
>>25932323Aye I did once African blood mage...shit was a blood bath. We barely survived all I got to say is taking on blood buffed minions is hell. Finally having we finished off the last of them they picked themselves back up this time as undead...I don't know how many of us survived after that. When I woke up found myself being dragged underground by a thing covered in shrouds with Icy glowing eyes. After that I got stuck in the deep dark for like 5 years? All I got to say is the underdark drow and illithid included got nothing on what lurks down there. If you think old ones are bad...
>>25932376>>25932687Orc, Drow, all of you are a bunch of pansies if you think those are scary. Let me tell you about the lizardmen we encountered in Nicaragua. 90% of the shit they did ended covered in black ink. You know the stories of the guys in Nam who snap and start collecting fingers, tongues, and teeth right? Well those slinkers do that normally for shits and giggles. The punji pit is childs play compared to the way one of the guys in our OP died. The fuckers made a pitfall trap that was dug into a long sliding tunnel. Poor bastard slid straight down and into the pit at the bottom. Apparently these bastards will use their own children as weapons. Tore the poor sod to pieces. Think piranhas eating a cow.
>>25932453Admittedly, elves notice a lot of things. many of these are things humans don't notice or can't notice. It's the acknowledgement that makes me kind of agree that you're probably on the money, at least as far as the caring thing goes. No way to say how friendly she got with the family, so to speak.
>>25932819You expect me to talk about my ex? Seriously dude, I'm not going to touch that with a 10 foot pole and 50 feet of silken rope.
>>25932855You're on 4chan, spill it already.
>>25932787Oh look, a troll, pretending to be an orc on the internet, how original.My best friend happens to be an orc, he has perfectly fine english, and absolutely hates it when monsters like you go about sullying their good name with bad grammar and worse body odor.
>>25932729The reasonable interpretation is that she cares about you enough to be disappointed.If she didn't give a damn at all, she probably wouldn't even interact with you regardless of who in your family she knew.
>>25932855Hey if it makes you feel any better I have a ex who is a literal dragon...still don't know how the hell that happened.
>>25932863Dude, no, I'm still not over it.Just be careful, like the WWII guy up there, their beauty can seriously betray how old they are.Will say this, quite a few times it did involve me being suplexed onto the bed, and those 10 foot poles and 50 feet of rope came in handy.And before you go ewww muscle girl, it was natural, came from her being 1/4 Grugach. Also they love having their ears played with.>>25932879>Implying greenskins can even get on the net.Are you serious, it's way too technological for them, wonder what gang your friend belongs to.
>>25932932Well you know what they say about dragons, since they CAN mate with anything they WILL mate with anything, up to and including aircraft.
>>25932943Why would anybody suplex anybody else onto the bed, that's just stupid.
>>25932932You mean full on lizard dragon or the ones who decide to shapeshift into something more managable?
>>25932932Oh, that's fun, especially if it happens more than once. DOUBLY if it's a coworker hookup. It's like living and working in a fucking wasp nest.
>>25932840What if I don't want to.I know doing that won't make her view me as being as much of a man as my ancestor was. and I'm not going to embarrass myself in a desperate attempt to be seen as an individual rather than just his descendant.Besides, she's still a major, she outranks me by quite a bit and it would be a bit awkward.Also I'm a ruddy coward who can't admit that he's been attracted to the same woman for near on five years and hasn't acted on it because she's a fucking elf and she intimidates the hell out of me.God i hate myself sometimes
So I'm a ghoul, from a large family of ghouls and we run a lot of funeral homes and work in morgues. Yet we're fighting for our jobs from illegal zombies. They think that by having just one necromancer and bunch of zombies they'd cut costs. Necromancers are also putting us out the funeral business, by spreading lies that we ghouls are ravenous creatures that will eat their love one's remains and that our funeral homes we operate are nothing but a butcher shop for all the neighborhood Ghouls. Why are necromancer such dicks?
>>25932993We both got off on it.
>>25932879Thank you kind anon, many others will perpeuate the false image many have come to associate with Orcs from our bygone days. We've moved into the modern world just as all the other races have, I attened a Christian private school, lived in a white-collar neighborhood. Graduated Salutitorian with a 4.0, and I have been attending Harvard for 3 years now. I admit to being offended when the dean of admissons came to me, pleased by my scholastic achievements. In truth though, he merely wanted me to be another poster child for their Affirmative Action admissions.I worked just as hard as any elf, dwarf, gnome, halfing, lizardfolk, human, catfolk, tengu, etc. I earned my place at Harvard not by the green of my skin or tusks in my jaw, but by study, duty, and proper worship of God. So again anon, I thank you, and will add you into my prayers this evening. Have a good day.
>>25933019and now the story comes out.Kid, she knows. She can probably HEAR your boners, fuck, >>25933043Uncle Tom motherfucker. Go back to detroit and get your ghetto card punched, goddamn
>>25933036Because it takes effort to desecrate remains for nothing but your own benefit.Necromancers are dicks because to be a necromancer, first you must be a dick
>>25932980Yeah but normally afterwards they stop giving a shit about you. Not this one oh no she stayed interested for whatever reason. Seriously have you any idea how hard it is to explain to your CO just WHY a dragon keeps showing up at the base? It got so bad I am surprised the radar and mages didn't kill me for all the extra work they had to go. Also for some reason I got promoted then transferred. This occurred whenever they couldn't stand it any longer.>>25933003Depends on what mood she was in. Suffice ot to say when she didn't shapeshift it would prove to mean that I was going to have a very bad day.>>25933009A wasp nest is a massive understatement. I mean we are talking at least Australian devil wasps.
>>25933043OY YOU GIT HAZ YOUZ 'EARD ABOUT GORK N' MORK?
>>25933064This is actually true. Elves really can hear increased blood flow,They can literally HEAR your boner.
>>25933019Well you just answered your own question, you obviously want to. Just do it™, not like you can lose anything. BOLDLY COME WHERE NO MAN MIGHT HAVE COME BEFORE
>>25933093Crap, she's heard my heart race every time I've come near her hasn't she?Fuuuuuuuuuck
>>25933102She knows dear anon why do you think the guys who deal with elves a lot never seem to get bones beyond the obvious of course?
>>25933102So stop being a pussy and give her the dick
>>25933079Oh god, a CLINGY dragon ex. May whatever God you pray to have mercy on your poor soul.Also, I'd liken my situation more to Peruvian Firewasps.
>>25933102Dude, she knows. She's giving you the disapproving looks because your ancestor had the fucking balls to ball her like there was no tomorrow.And like I said, from PERSONAL experience, they are freaks in bed.Just make sure you know what type of elf she is, had to break off a rebound, she's still wasting, goddamn high elf fucks.
>>25933132I'm not going to ruin everything by trying for a one-night-stand
>>25933102Indeed she has. For years and years.
>>25933157>had to break off a rebound, she's still wasting, goddamn high elf fucks.Wat?
You guys ever had the pleasure of fucking a 600 year old Vampire Loli?Man that shit was crazy.
>>25933043Oh look, another greenback living off the welfare and lowered expectations of others. How's that affirmative action lookin', keeping guys like me outta good schools?At least, that's how I felt the first year. Got pushed out of my scholastic career by this runty of an Orc, 5'10 standing straight up, seriously he doesn't hunch over like most Orcs because he's short compared to the rest of them, just stands up straight and tries to be taller. We got to know each other through the local D&D groups, and a year later he helped my put my application together in a way that made me much more attractive to the school. Good luck with your scholastic career, and stand straight greenie.
>>25933160Who says it's going to be a one-night-stand? Show her you have a spine and a heart and she'll come back again and again.
>>25933171There's different types of elves, yeesh, High elves tend to be like the fucking dragon upthread, except they just waste away unless they find someone else.Never making that mistake again, grugach for life.>>25933177You know I've seen a couple successful orcs, you know how often I've seen a successful troll, only once, then he fired me for gross incompetence.
>>25933043Christian Orc attends Harvard, shouldn't that have been in the news or something?>>25933009Make sure you use protection no matter who or what you're enjoying an intimate relationship with.>>25933019Look, we can only give you advice, at the end of the day, it's up to you to decide whether you're a coward or not. It took me a year to work up the nerve to ask a human girl at the school I worked at, when I finally did so she turned so red I thought she was having an allergic reaction.She merely replied, "I never thought an elf would find me beautiful. Yes."The thing that made me so nervous was that I had her mother ask me to take her to prom 30 years prior when I was just a T.A. and her grandmother when I myself was a student 40 years before that.She'll accept you, you just have to muster up the courage to say it, because we do find humans beautiful, your fleeting lives filled with all the emotion and joy that is spread across our centuries.
>>25933203>except they just waste away unless they find someone else.I don't understand. Are you trying to tell me they need love to survive? Like, are they really clingy?
That's kind of strange, my staff sergeant is a knifey too. She's also kind of nuts, but then again, she was part of the Polish resistance when Hitler invaded. So it's moderately excusableWe were sent into a market to investigate possible insurgent activity. It's a death trap.Naturally, she got ganked by some asshat with a knife. Now, she doesn't go for her own knife, she fucking sinks her teeth into the guy's throat. The other insurgents were too shocked to even run when we opened fire on them.She also seems to be more adaptable to asymmetrical warfare compared to most knife ears. Not sure if this is the norm, or if other elves think she's just as crazy as I do. I'd ask her out, but I'm afraid she'd bite my dick off
>>25933132That only works if you don't pop a boner in their presence. Works every SINGLE time. >>25933150Yeah we 'broke up' when I got sent on a tour of duty to lower realms(see suicide mission). You should of seen the look on all their faces when I came back alive. Best part is she thinks I am dead the second best part is they retired me with honors and EVERYTHING.turns out having to deal with an clingy dragon lover makes surviving easy...at least when you don't have to take on a hellfire wyrm anyway anyway does anyone know how much a suit of dragon mail goes for? also a hellfire fluid among an assortment of other goodies?
>>25933221It really varies, like any species.
>>25933180I don't have a spine, I thought that's already been established.I think I'll ask her out to dinner though... Yeah, probably won't end well but I need to do something about this, been running scared for too long
>>25933246THAT'S THE SPIRITSMALL STEPS MATEYOU'LL BE MORE THAN BUDDY BUDDY REAL DAMN SOON
>>25933219High Elves yeah, they are pretty damn serious about mating, gets worse the older they get. Though they're rarely anywhere near the military so, you're probably in luck.>>25933246Go for it dude, give her the D.
>>25932168Ah, a fine day to see such camaraderie and brotherhood between species!By which I mean if you stop helping your squadmates and start letting them die they're going to drop artillery strikes on your ass. So don't be a prick or prepare for a fragging.
>>25933176Must be fun, being a vampire's thrall
>>25933203High elves. Yuck I had one high elf all through out community and into uni. By sheer luck we had the same major. WHAT A STUCK UP BITCH! The only reason I ever talked to her was that she was friends with an exchange student in uni. An elf from the Philippines. And I'm normally not a coffee drinker but starbucks couldnt make a mocha that good
>>25933246God fucking damnit stop being such a fucking pussy I am super mad nowyour great, great, great grandfather is losing his shit over how worthless you are shit-stain. She KNOWS you boner for her. She WANTS the dick.SO MAN UP, TAKE HER ON A DATE, AND GIVE HER THE DICK JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ALJDHASJKFA
>>25933177Thank you, I say that from the bottom of my heart. It's hard you know, sometimes, I walk into a class on the first day of a new semester, and the room goes silent. For pete's sake, I'm at Harvard, supposedly a beacon of culture and education. Yet when an orc walks in the room, the whole gathering freezes in place. It hurts a little, but I've gotten used to it. This year, I hear there's another orc, a freshman. If I feel like I have it tough, I can't imagine what she went through to get here. It's funny, gender is one thing every species shares and the one thing universally discriminated against. Whether you're white, black, blue, green, or yellow, some things are a little more difficult if you're a woman. More power to her I say, perhaps I should go invite her to our D&D club and get to know her.
>>25933246Don't just do dinner do more than that. One up your ancestors. Make her remember that night long after you are dust.
>>25933316The only thing that compare with a high elves sheer shittyness is the Drow. Even they they have to had to stick with the old ways. >>25933341In that case I recommend some Nymphs Kiss. Just make sure you take it BEFORE. Also don't expect to be able to get it up after it wears off for at least a week.
>>25933245I guess, but I've yet to see another elf whose aat least experience with modern day asymmetric and maneuver warfare.
>>25933316Yeah, I learned the subtle differences.And fuck, I bet the brown elf heard your boner from a mile away, she can probably hear mine.
>>25933302No, no.That's a shoggoth you're thinking of.
>>25933368She heard the entire male class's boners playing the drums on the underside of their desks.
>>25933238Depends on local market fluctuations, but by raw material cost good dragon armor material goes for about $50US per ounce: slightly more for heartscales. Hellfire fluid is illegal to sell, but there are a few buyers. I'd say $75 per fluid ounce out the door. Really there's not as much demand as there used to be, otherwise it'd be worth twice as much.Just be careful if you ever get around to starting up your love life with someone else. Remember that dipping your balls in a cup of Peruvian Firewasps is probably preferable to what will happen if you fuck this up.
>>25933386How did the high elf bitch take it?>>25933238What sorta goodies we talking about...also how the did you survive anyway?
>>25933221Just ask her out. If she does, just sue for the funds to afford a wizard to grow it back. If she doesn't, keep doing it. In the long run it is insignificant.
>>25933341>>25933319You know, five minutes ago I would have considered you both crazy.Then I actually asked her out to dinner and she pinned me against te wall and kissed me until I thought I was going to pass out.Only after that did she say yes... and then she gave me the location of the restaurant I'll be taking her to.I really don't understand elves
>>25933341Remember him? Sure, Remember his performance? Not likely.You'll remember that night much better than she does, she's had likely centuries of experience>>25932658Unless you're some sex visionary and have developed a new orgasm inducing technique that gets her rocks off like a water elemental visiting Niagra, then she's going to have a fun time if not a spectacular time. If you're lucky, you'll have dinner and desert again, and be a little better. She'll teach you, it's as much as in her interest as yours, then you'll be able to reciprocate. Just, be gentle, elves bruise easy, unless she likes it rough, then don't be afraid to punch her full on, there was this sand elf I met one time, she had a real kink for rough stuff. Kept asking me to knock her breath out, started gushing like the spill way at Hoover dam the third time.
>>25933400She had her fair share of admirers but at times it was wonderful seeing her try and light the back of the chocolates head on fire with her hate gaze.
>>25933420Hey, that's my boy. Just don't forget to buy condoms, if she doesn't want you to use them, she'll tell you, you can probably go down to the base clinic and get some for free.
>>25933444Bet that brown one had quite a bit of grugach in her....>shit I put up with.gif
>>25933420I TOLD YOU MANI TOLD YOU ABOUT THE FUCKING ELVES
>>25933420Depending on how close your GPa was with her, she may have been planning this since you met, or since before you were even born.Let her do this the way she wants.
/tg/ Advice for relationships, with humans, and other species too.
>>25931600Damn, thing are way different here in the UK. Our guys are always looking for more psions. There are few things more terrifying than a commando team who can communicate by thought and share each others' senses.And then you get those psychic 'warrior' guys. There is a guy who is in the riot police who basically barricaded a whole street on his own by quadrupling his size out of nowhere.
>>25933470That's a really creepy notion, do elves do that a lot?
>>25933508I think it's hot.
>>25933430>there was this sand elf I met one time, she had a real kink for rough stuff. Kept asking me to knock her breath out, started gushing like the spill way at Hoover dam the third time.That's actually super fucking hot. Is it true what they say about Sandy Vaginas?
>>25933508It's a fucking stereotype, they don't usually do that shit.
>>25933430Actually yes. She was a mixed elf between the more traditional philip elves and an Indonesia/Malaysian elf. Once was I successful with her. Fractured my pelvis.
>>25933525oops meant to link to >>25933463not >>25933430
>>25933525You get used to it, damn just pitching a beacon to elves over memories.
>>25933395Good to know...so like what if I sorta had a thing going with some uh natives and even some other gals?>>25933400How I survived well I basically went full on old school Monster Hunter once I ran out of supplies. I got so many goodies also teamed up with a few other survivors and denizens while I was there. As for what I got here we go.Fel Steel, Helic Iron, Hell heart, magma mora, Wyrm klaw, Galick Juice, succubi stoppers, scales from the Javi galig Morog balith, Icefire flasks, Firog teeth, Domanchi leathers, Infernal flame and soulstones. That is only the stuff I brought back. Not including my Hellfire Wyrm armor, Damned Shield of Shargoth and my trusty Infernal Fel'Hel Ice cannon.
>>25933508I'm this Elf here>>25933209I never planned it, I knew who they were though, and how they were related, I love all of them dearly and regret the day when they're nothing but shadows and dust. But I will watch over their descendents, and their children's children for so long as I live.
>>25933508Given how clearly sub you are, she's probably just really Dom. In which case just accept your dick now belongs to her and enjoy it
>>25933577Oh gawd oh one of THOSE elves.
>>25933521A little bit of against the grain action is just what some guys need to take it to the next level.
>>25933568Crap forgot to mention I plan on upgrading my cannon one more time(this time into an Infernal Fel'hel Icefire Cannon).
>>25933464>>25933470>>25933453By the way, I noticed that some people were wondering about which variety of elf she is.She's a wood elf, I don't know what that means regarding how she views the world or anything, but that's what she is
>>25933577>I'm just watching over you guys really>I'm not planning to fuck every one of you>I'm not getting off on the idea of bedding all of the descendants of my first love>I'm not >Really guys>I'm notIt's okay to admit it, that only makes you sexier.
>>25933577Seriously, in a give them the D way, or in the, my family way?Because that one ex's mom is still fucking calling me, making sure I'm okay.If there's one thing elves understand it's extended family.>>25933647>Wood ElfNigga you gotta keep that shit until one of you are dust.
>>25933604Oh I know those types. There was a quarter-fox in one of my classes when I went over to Japan for College. His grandfather had a shed where he kept a collection of jars with small rags inside them. Each one was soaked in the hymen blood and secretions of a line of geisha's spanning more time than I care to imagine. The creepy fuck plucked the first fruit from every branch of this one family tree.
>>25933521fuck, now I want to meet a sand elf like that...or an elf...or even a human>foreveralone.png
>>25933692You kobolds need to get out of your dens more
>>25933678Yet some of these guys are claiming all like that...I know better had to deal with a elf who liked plucking the cherries of all her male lover's children including their children so on and so forth. In fact she made it a point to get knocked up at least once per a generation...which reminds me how I first met my ex.
>>25933720Jesus her cunt must be like a grain silo to hold all those wild oats.
>>25933647>wood elfBrother, you hit the jackpot. Athletic, aggressive, tough, but still tender, gentle, and beautiful. The real reason you call them wood elves, because everywhere they go, instant wood.
>>25933740Seriously, the only thin that marks the difference between wood and Grugach, the size od the ear, I shit you not.
>mfw this whole thread.
>>25933568Well, the Peruvian Firewasp is three inches long, moves in swarms of up to a thousand, and injects a venom that causes an intense exothermal reaction when mixed with hemoglobin, literally leading to third-degree internal burns that spread over the course of hours or even days. Now imagine that going on inside your junk, from tip to taint. Now try to imagine something worse. If there were other girls, and your ex now knows you're alive again, there are no other girls. There may be other girls in the future depending on how you play your cards, but for now there are no other girls.
So...um...I know this is primarily a military thread but it seems as good a place as any to ask.I'm looking to join the police force but I'm worried about how my...umm..heritage might...umm...Ok, I'll just say it. I'm a Tiefling, and not one of those Turathian ones either. Both of my parents are human, but here I am with the horns and sulphur-smelling breath. I have no idea where the influence came from; hells I might just be the product of mum eating some fiend contaminated meat while pregnant for all I know.I'm just asking if my being a tiefling will make joining the police impossible. I hope not but as far as I know there are no laws protecting me from instant dismissal based on race.
>>25933221I also forgot to mention that she idolize Mad Jack to this very day. He's like the Daisy Buchanan to her Jay Gatsby. If Daisy was a crazy badass. Though one of these days, her ballsiness is going to get her killed. And she doesn't have the openest of minds in regards to her subordinate's opinions. I really don't want to see her do something stupid and get whacked for it.How should I rectify this?
>>25933805What shithole country do YOU live in?There is no racial equality law that applies to blacks, hispanics, or whites in the US that doesn't also apply to tieflings, regardless of how we look.
>>25933805Where are you from, m8? Department of Mystic Threats is always on lookout for officer material. If you're willing to put up with some paperwork and European taxes. Although civil servants have some neat social security perks, even after they toned it down in last round of austerity.
>>25933781Thats like rubbing bengay on your nuts x100>>25933805The riot police will love your ass. Play on the whole demonic thing when you are pushing back with the riot shield. That gets the protestors running.
You think being a tiefling is bad.Try being fey touched seriously I can trace back a couple lines of my family to a fucking Bavarian Alp, AND a fucking Selkie.
>>25933805They WILL be prejudiced big time. Unless you plan to under cover. they always need more tieflings for undercover work.>>25933781Uh shit is there like anyway she could of found out I am still alive? Cause some of the other gals are pretty formidable on their own. Last thing I want is to end up in the middle of the cat fight that will make trans realm news.
>>25933805Feel for you man. I was in the same position myself, only I'm a daemonspawn Ended up quitting. No one would believe I truly wanted to help, kept getting passed over for promotions and shit.TO cut a long story short, after several incidents, I left and joined the Department of Mystic Threats. And now I'm pretty high up.This was quite a while ago though, may have got better these days
>>25933890LIDF pls go.
>>25932932>>25933568You don't have relations with any dragonkin if you aren't willing to commit.Simply put, if she finds you, you may as well give up at a relationship with other women for quite some time. Just hope she doesn't find that you're fooling around with other girls.
>>25933923but but she is clingy AND crazy...not to mention I sorta fooled around a bit already due to me thinking that I was home free.
>>25933839I'm in England, where there are still loads of incomplete laws in this area.I mean, I know in theory the basic racism laws should apply but around here they take one look at the word Tiefling and see Demon.Also, Mystic Threats is really that good? I've barely had any contact with them because their nearest presence is Manchester. We don't really need them around Hull because of that odd magic dampening thing we have. Something about dodgy leyline placements here causes most magic to just bleed away.
>>25933923Hey cunt, there's people here who have no fucking idea what you are talking about. Either be straight or stop gabbing.
>>25933884Did I mention that the Peruvian Firewasp is parasitoid? I do not think you understand HOW potentially bad this is for you. you do NOT make any other moves until each of the involved parties are aware of each other and have been individually mollified.
>>25933861Eh, they actually don't like to deploy fiendblooded people against rioting crowds. It tends to make the underlying unrest that much worse, since their opponent is now an actual devil.Yeah yeah, I know that legals have equal rights as other sapients, but it's too deeply ingrained in our culture. Not just human, but many non-humans as well.SWAT teams, now....
>>25933975>Actual DevilAnd I bet you think people like the feytouched up there love kidnapping people and live under hills.
>>25933996no, thats the scots
You guys ever fought a lich before? Crazy fuckers.
>>25933996Well, there was that nutcase around Snowden in Wales....But then there was that Aasimar lunatic who killed about 50 people in Leeds 'because he was bored' a couple of years ago. Yet people still cling to the old stereotypes.
>>25933960Eastern Europeanon here. I can vouch for them doing respectable job and as far as I can tell, they enjoy quite some respect among law abiding citizenry. Only criminal that has put up any semblance of resistance that I know of was a baba Yaga some decade ago, but they managed to deal with her on their second deployment. Their battlemage even managed to disenchant the first strike team from frog form.
>>25934038I thought it was because 'God told him to'
>>25934067Thats what he said at first, but once they put him away he admitted that the whole God thing was bull that he thought was funny
>>25934012>fighting any undeadJesus fucking Christ, there's a reason I went civvy quickly, fuck being anywhere near somethning having to deal with that shit.>>25934038>The Snowden StranglerOh come on, that's like someone saying all humans are bad because of fucking David Berkowitz,>>25934067>Implying Aasimar aren't more prone to schizophrenia.
>>25933975That reminds me of those hilarious videos I used to see on MaxX and shows like that. Fucking Tiefling russian police storm this building where a guy is holding hostages, and a Tiefling rushes at him bellowing like... well a demon out of hell and the poor fuck falls backwards shitting himself.
>>25934096It's not schizophrenia when he has a deity in his actual family.
>>25933960Man, sucks to be you. Yeah, there's legislation in the House of Commons to explicitly define Tiefling versus Demon, but it's been stalled by a cunt of a far-Right dwarf in the Conservative party on an obscure technicality. At least we planetouched are long-lived. You'll probably have plenty of time to enjoy your equality after this jam is cleared.
Outsiders go homeThe True Druids do not permit the unnatural filfth of Plantouched, Planars, Undead, and Abbertations upon the prime material plain. The Great Fuhror did nothing wrong, he only enacted natures will.
>>25934133See >>25934090He was lying, but there's been a few, and they always use the damn Abrahamic God, not, whatever god they're actually related to, only excuse there is their shit goes back to angels.
>>25934136>Far-Right DwarfYou just repeated yourself there.>>25934167>Still believing anyone in Germany-Austria-France is pure blooded human.Did you just cast teleport object on my sides?
>>25934167Please go away. Fascist Druids like you give everyone who wants to protect nature a bad name.
>>25933971So I got to suck up to a sorceress, dryad, blood mage, black operations soldier, necromancer, devil, drow, succubi, paladin, wild elf, and a fucking dragon. God help me...anyone got any advice? Please I am gonna die horribly at this rate.
>>25934273Jesus, are you a fucking Bard?
>>25934273As if a nerd on 4chan ever bedded that many chicks. Strike out the exaggerations and maybe we'll consider answering
>>25934136Oh, I hate that guy.The real kicker? He is East Yorkshire's representative.I mean, I vote Planar Recognition every year but the farmers and rich keep voting Tory to keep their taxes low.I mean, it could be worse. Gods forbid UKIP every get in, but it is still just the lesser of two evils.
>>25934273How the fuck?
>>25934249>Druid HitlerWell, now I know what my next PC is going to be
>>25933501Damn. Wish I'd known that. Maybe he'd still be alive. Hell, I need a drink now.
>>25934196Well that's obviously the case, since nobody has ever managed to summon Abrahamic God for direct questioning, which common upper plane residents sometimes do.>>25934136I still think they are just using unpopular legislation shenanigans to get the Council to throw the country out of the Union with benefits of severance agreement. Which is kind of sad, since the free movement provisions allows their non-humans to leave for places like Salamanca, Dresden, Paris or Vienna, to say nothing of plenty less known but no less appealing locations in the East.
>>25934273You blew it, no 4chan nerd has ever had sex with more than 3 women
>>25934299>>25934301>>25934326As far as I was concerned I was gonna die so I wanted to experience life. Then when I returned I celebrated for supposedly escaping the dragon. Suffice to say it added up.
>>25934346I was in the lower realms and survived you dimwit. You would believe the things that lie down there. Then when I got back I had even more fun. Now its coming back to bite me on the ass.
>>25934358>>25934378Ah as for the bard thing does knowing how to dance count?
We should make another one of these threads sometime later.
>>25934426has this thread hit auto-sage?
>>25934426We seriously should. I am loving this stuff.
>>25934340Well, that might be the party's goal, but I'm pretty sure that the dwarf just has a vendetta.Or honestly thinks that planetouched are inferior.
>>25934456It's hit autosage for over a hundred posts. But leave it for a few days, so the subject won't get stale too soon.
>>25934456Yeah, I think so.
>>25934499This. Nothing ruins these kinds of threads like running six in a row and pissing off the vocal few that need to whine about something.
>>25934402Pretty much...Still anyone got any advice?
>>25934532Agreed there.Though I do want to hear how that fucking date went, if it's going where we all know it's going, that guy will have to have time to recover.
>>25934583I can't wait to hear about how fucked dragon guy is. Gonna pay real close attention to the news these next few days.
>>25934645probably 15 tons of giant lizard fucked.
>>25929715They take their duties really seriously, its a matter of pride and honor so there is no time for small talk even for a second. My oldest friend is on orc, saved my life when I was just a little girl but when he's working he'll hardly spare me a glance.Orcs are really private and don't trust outsiders so most never get to see it but underneath that stoney exterior they are a really fiery and passionate people. Orc music is unreal and just as beautiful as anything any elf has ever composed abet in a very different way. It lights a fire in your soul that burns through your very being, makes you feel invincible. And don't get on orc started on genealogy unless you want to spend the next several hours at least being regaled with tales of their great great great great grand fathers feats in combat, an orc could seriously give a dwarf a run for their money when it comes to family history.
>>25934678Its gonna be glorious hearing about the aftermath on the news.
>>25934678Bitch probably isn't telling us just how many children he fathered. Some of us really fucking envy him in that regard.
>>25934127Well, there are a few benefits to knowing Abyssal innately.There are few things more amusing than seeing half a dozen bullies pissing themselves at one tiefling kid half their size screaming in a tongue from literal hell.Said kid was screaming for help and basically bawling his eyes out but it doesn't matter what you say in abyssal, it still sounds like you are threatening to rend their soul apart.
>>25934739>Implying people haven't heard Orc music.Nigga do you even Thrash?
>>25934782Why would anyone wanna hear about that?
>>25934810Because it would lower my opinion of that Bard without any bardic abilities even more.
>>25934803Wow m8, you got lucky not to get thrown out of school for that sort of shenanigans.
>>25934832I kinda feel sorry for the guy at least when it came to the dragon. After finding out what else he banged though I lost all pity. You reap what you sow you glorious son of a bitch. Making us non bards believe we stand a chance in hell fucking cruel.
>>25934850>impying he was the TieflingSeriously, it's funny as shit.
>>25934850Its not like the teachers can do anything about it if the kid is just talking in another language.
>>25934930Clearly you never heard abyssal.
>>25934938I have it's terrifying, but german and russian sound like the speakers pissed off. It's all how you view it.
>>25934850In all honesty, it wasn't that amusing for me at the time. I also guess eyes that glow red when under stress contributed a lot.I got lucky though, those kids were known for being thuggish little shits and the fact I broke down into tears like 20 seconds afterwards while babbling in a broken combination of abyssal and english sort of gave away what had happened.I did get detention though, but I think they were at something of a loss on what to do with me.>>25934938Indeed. If you put any emotion behind it, it has the same effect on the soul that nails on a blackboard have on the ears.
>get home from work>drag ass upstairs to apartment>strip buckass naked>ninjacrawl into bed>don't wake fiance>grab laptop>go to /tg/>see this thread>life is goodIs it just me, or do brown elves try to monopolize the domestic service industry in downtown civic areas. Lately it's been less "Se Senor." and more "Ane Hîr, Ídhen iest."
>>25935010Just try speaking Sylvan.I said speaking, not singing, it's practically impossible.
>>25935100Dude your fiance already knows what you're doing.
Orc here guys got one of those brown knife ears stalking me. Probably watched one too many jap vids and now wants me to indulge her rape fantasies. What do I do? I'd rather a dwarf than one of knife ears heard dwarven chiks have beard down there, is that true?
>>25935010It's heartwarming to hear that there's justice in this world.I mean, you did great. Were the brats any trouble after that? I can't imagine they would, but then again, people get accustomed to strangest things.In any way, good luck with your job application. Barring all else, I'm sure you could get a job in the Court of Auditors. They like to take intimidating fellows when visiting corporate headquarters.
>>25935108I know. Did you see Britain's Got Talent last year? A friend I know speaks Sylvan and he told me that half the constants were just people talking about drivel while some vaguely fitting music played in the background.
>>25935155More like a jungle.
>>25935100>Implying having a brown elf being your housekeeper would not be awesome.
>>25935199auto archived on foolzhttp://archive.foolz.us/tg/thread/25928126/
>>25935159No, they left me alone after that, but then so did nearly everyone else for a while.It did somehow prompt a few kids to start talking to me though and we are still friends to this day.I'm going to make that application though and also contact Magical Threats about anything. I mean, it will be tough to move but hopefully it will be worth it.
>>25935155>>25935178is right.If you ever saw Adam Sandler's You don't mess with the zohan. It's like that but on a woman.
>>25935265uh hoped for something less curly
>>25935304Its like a disco afro.
>>25935100Monopolize? How is there so many of them? Are you sure those are not shapechangers out to sell your organs on black market?I can't imagine there being enough "chocolate" elves to satisfy the demand for companionship, much less delegated to menial jobs
>>25935316but dwarves are supposed to care for their beards like no other and 80s were 30 years ago