An idea recently popped up about fluffing a Techpriest computer manual, but doing it in a style much like a Demon encylopedia. It'd include things from viruses, generic computer errors, to that infernal paperclip.So we're going to have a shot at it /tg/.The Machina Reconcilio is a vast tome comprising of the dark and sordid entities that invade and pervade the machines and equipment of the Admech. Compiled and written by Wilhelmus Portae, it's valuable knowledge has saved many a machine spirit from complete ruin.> NameMortem the Azure>DescriptionOriginally discovered on an piece of equipment pre-dating the Dark Age of Technology, Mortem the Azure was quick to make sure his presence was noticed.Hastily infecting machine spirit after machine spirit, this foul demon corrupted them beyond all repair. Thousands of databanks were lost to his destructive machinations.Cures-No known cures. Purge of entire system required. Consult with Admech as soon as possible.>Your turn /tg/>No pics of techpriests, can't save them as PC is messing up. Must consult tome.
>>25814374>Wilhelmus Portaei see what you did there
>>25814497Whatever you want.Binary instructions.40k speak for turning a computer on.Fluffing ancient pre-DAoT corruptions.Go nuts.
Monitoring with interest. Can't contribute as my car's machine spirit seems corrupted and I'm going from techpriest to techpriest to find one that can actually help.Prayers are, thus far, unanswered.
>>25814540Brother, have you re-adjusted the Scintillae Obturaculum? Or checked the Promethium levels?
>>25814540Our evening prayers go out for you, brother.
>>25814540Perhaps the machine's spirit is uncorrupted. Perhaps only its shell is damaged?
>>25814374>NameThe Trojan>DescriptionThe Trojan, as it often identifies itself, appears as a single helmet in profile. The helmet appears to be made of a bronze-like metal, with a plume of red feathers come from the top of it.The Trojan claims to have control over a number of systems, dating back many thousands of years. However, the Trojan does not seem to be allied with Chaos, nor with any other faction. When questioned about this the Trjoan simply replies that it 'is bored'.There is no telling how many systems the Trojan has infected and all attempts to remove it from a system, simply results in the Trojan maiming a Machine Spirit in another piece of equipment. The Admech is strongly encouraged to let the Trojan be for now, but if it should become aggressive, all necessary action must be taken.>CureNo known cure. The Trojan seems to be neutral and rarely causes harm unless provoked, so it is advised not to interfere.
>>25814532Groovy. Ok here goes,>NameLuddite Virus >Description Released into the Martian data-stacks by hereteks during the Horus Heresy, this particular techno-phage is believed to have originated on Terra. It is believed to be an abominable intelligence, due to it's ability to out-maneuver the finest hunker-killer programs devised by Tech-priests.>EffectsAny piece of technology infected by this virus becomes berserk, attacking any other piece of technology it can find, including a Tech-Priest's own augmentations. CureNone. Only total destruction of the affected device can stop the spread.
Thrallmaester Con FikerA most insidious foe to be found nestled in the beating hearts of your blessed charges. It's purpose and intentions lay shrouded for many years until a fateful event awoke a dormant beast. With great poetry and coordination a great many machine spirits did spring forth into action in unison, as if dancing to a single tune. They did dance to a silent song and then fall silent for ever. It is not known when or why the next dance shall come, but the demon spreads its foul tendrils to every machine spirit with which it can couple. Never before has something so benign posed such an insipid threat.
Name: System XXXIIDescription: It is believed that most of pre-dark age relics has these in their machine spirit. It seems to be either a kind of dormant data-parasite or an extremely vital component of the machine spirit. Some tech priests believe that it's presence allows other malfunctions to occur in a machine spirit.Cure: thankfully, according to ancient data-tomes a simple purge of the data-cache will fix the problem. If problem persists, consult with nearest Admech branch.
>>25814716I was waiting for this one
>>25814716Many a contradictory advising note can be found in older data banks of the net way. Some say the expulsion of this system will give new life to a maligned machine spirit, this actions seems to speed machine spirits to such a state as to no longer need their screens as no visual feed is returned yet a great whirring is still brought fourth from the machine spirits belly. Further prayers and musings on this system are needed for surely that which is in place and essential should not so readily be removed.
>>25814540>>25814578>>25814587>>25814608these are all good ideas, but have you checked your blinker fluid levels recently?
>>25814803Blinkers don't have fluid... What heresy is this!?
>>25814803I find that my blinker fluid remains relatively stable but my head lamp fluid changes much more rapidly.
>NameThe Inquisitorial Eye>DescriptionBased on a program found in Dark Age databanks. Often installed by inquisitors on machines thought to harbor heretical data, the inquisitorial eye will survey the processed data and relay the information to an inquisitor's tech-scribe.>CureNo cure will be relayed as the information is highly classified. Consult nearest admech branch
>>25814803guys is my car alright? I havent ever changed my light fluid and it's been years Im worried
Minor problems often plague the Machine Spirits of the Imperium. Ranging from unpowered visual displays, sluggish behaviour or deep growlings and rumblings of the Machine Spirit in question.The cure for most of these common ailments is as follows;Recite the Animus Descendus, once is enough, but further recitations may help.Apply the consecrated oils liberally to the machine in question.Light the incense burners arranged around the machine in the standard Circulus formation.Recite the litanies and carefully clean the oils from the machine.Depress the power sigil on the machine and recite the Animus Ascendus.If problems persist further, consult Admech.
> Name Reeckrool, the Giver of false correspondence and information> DescriptionReeckrool was named after a peculiar bird that lived in the distant past of a hive world, known for its peculiar mating call and dance which involved the bird barely moving. It's song and mating dance was recorded by young biologos, who decided to consult his superiors on this strange animal. Unfortunately, the archives in which this information was stored were attacked by revolutionaries and a heretek in their service corrupted all the receiving and broadcasting instruments, giving birth to this foul Machine Spirit. He manifests by corrupting all video, audio communications and inquiries by playing the footage of the peculiar bird dancing and singing.> CuresEasily curable - simply closing the communication channel does the trick. However, it's a problem of logistics - many imperials complain that this machine spirit is just a nasty and boring thing that slows them down from receiving necessary data. It has also been reported that it's often used as a "prank" between younger techpriests - this behavior will not be tolerated and the perpetrators will be shot.
>>25814929You might want to change it now then. You can pick some up at any auto store, it's right next to the elbow grease and the flags.
>NAMEpsychum abnormalis>EFFECTInfects dataslates and displays of all patterns and origins. Thought to travel through circuits and conduits. Highly contagious.The virus will show suggestive images for split seconds instigating madness and rebellious intent in the viewer. Important personel believed to have been exposed should be mindwiped per instructions of Inquisitor ***REDACTED***. Others, executed or detained.>CURE*** Clearance level sufficient ****** Please continue, Inquisitor ***Martian Techno-magus Valroc believed to have found a cure prior to his excommunication in 899.M41.Research into this matter has been resumed by Tech-Adept Graborr, in the service of His Holy Inquisition. Supervised by Arbiter Sagitus, in service of His Holy Inquisition.
>>25814865it's fine, anon, don't panic. most modern cars will warn you when you need to replace your blinker fluid, and unless you have a cracked blinker housing, it's not something you have to do more than once or twice in your car's lifetime.>>25814870that's perfectly fine. the heat from the headlight bulbs causes a change in volume of the fluid due to thermal expansion
>>25814937Someone needs to write up the Animus Ascendus and Animus Descendus.>Oh Omnissiah>Grant us your blessing as the precious life leaves the spirit and guide him until it is returned.
>>25814929As long as you have recited your prayers of ignition and supplications of continued fuel efficiency you should not experience any permanent damage however you must replace the fluid post haste and give many a supplication of apology and pray the machine spirit forgives your tardiness.
>>25814993but seriously, someone who's a better writefag than me (anyone), should write up something about what to do when the turn signals on your land raider get low on blinker fluid.
>>25815050>>25815055I'd writefag it, but I know shit about cars, so I'd need some kind of checklist to go through.
I'm an automotive tech by trade, mind if I throw in some vehicle related daemons?>NameMalfoe Shen Sole'Oid>DescriptionOften plagues the automatic shift machine spirits found commonly in Imperium Vehicles. This daemon causes said machine spirits to become confused, often raising the speed of the engine, though the speed of the car. Often times, the changes in vehicle speed can become violent and damage the transmission's internal workings.>CuresThe common cure for this affliction is to check the levels of Sacred Shift Ungents, and adding more if nesicarry. Failing that, replacement of the Transmission Solenoid Device is recommended. If the problem persists, please advise veteran techpriests.
>>25815210The joke is that neither do they; there's no such thing as blinker fluid. Feel free to make shit up.
>>25815301OP here, I'd be honoured if you did more.This thread is actually quite good, I thought we'd have one or two and it'd fizzle out but /tg/ rocks.Should we carry on with our Encyclopedia or should we include the various litanies and chants that the Techies are gonna use?
>>25815210>>25815363Neither do the techpriests
>>25815301>fucking around in the transmission without burning any incense or spending hours in prayer beforehandit's like you WANT to anger the machine spirit9/10 would read again
>>25815414Exactly. The 'they' I referred to was the techpriests.
I have completely run out of ideas.Quick get /g/ in here.Or better yet, list problems with computers, vehicles and other machines that occur and we'll writefag the crap out of them.
==GENERAL TROUBLESHOOTING OF MALFUNCTIONING TURNING SIGNALERS==+BEGIN TECHCAST+Greetings, fellow worshipers of the Omnissiah! This Techcast is for troubleshooting Turning Signalers daemons! Some of you may have received complaints that the Turning Signalers are inoperative, or even signaling far too fast on just one bulb! This is clearly a trickster daemon, but he is a simple one!STEP ONE, you must ensure that the machine spirit's shell does not possess a "blinker fluid" reservoir. If it does, refill with proper holy oils. If it does not, continue to step two.STEP TWO, check the venerable Light Generator Bulbs. If their beautiful metal filaments are damaged, respectfully request permission from the machine spirit to replace the afflicted light generator. If the light generator bulbs are intact, continue to step three.STEP THREE, observe the function of the Turning Signaler Control Box. Attach a Electrospirit Detection Machine to the relevant wires, as ascribed by the vehicle's entry in the Holy Alldata Digitome. If the spirit is too weak, not present, or even too strong, request to the machine spirit that you replace it's Turning Signaler Control Box.If the problem could not be found, the machine spirit does not wish for this daemon to be removed my you, and you should consult a veteran techpriest, as the problem may be buried deep within the machine spirit's wiring harness.THIS CONCLUDES TECHCAST.
>>25815601Praise the Omnissiah! This is awesome!
>>25815475The incense and prayer are prerequisite before asking a machine spirit to enter your Hallowed Bay of Repair.
>>25815655>...no /tg/-tan!>Don't go in there I'm not...!>Aaaah!
So my cogitator have been wonky lately, distorted sound, stuttering, glitches.Then a few days ago this happened. Should i be worried? The servitors are working better th....
>Blue Screen of Tzeentch
>>25815695See the first post.
>>25815692Ouch. No biggie, bumped my head a little.Does anyone have the passkey to Magos Acrohs High Energy Physics lab by the way? He wanted me to drop by later this week.
>NameMalfoe Shen of Ve-Tek Sol>DescriptionThis daemon manifests itself within certain Imperium vehicles hailing from Manufactorums in the Far East Reaches of the Imperium. No one quiet knows what causes this daemon to be summoned, but it can cause the machine spirit to consume more Holy Oils than normal.>CuresRecite prayer #204302, "VE-TEK WE ADORE THEE." If this does not banish the daemon, consult with your elder Techpriests and ask them permission to replace the Holy Ve-Tek Spirit Receptacle. If they grant you this honor, light exactly one incense for each cylinder that the machine spirit's heart has. Then, begin respectful praying to the spirit to allow you to begin the procedure.
ERROR CDIVThe machine spirit has become lost in its quest for any number of forms of data.No known reliable solution,. However, consoling the machine spirits with litanies to comfort them and commencing acts of penance to redeem yourself in the eyes of the machine god are always a welcome start to the healing process.
>NameThe Infernal Tapping of Liftoren>DescriptionThis daemon manifests itself in older, more venerable machine spirits. It causes an agitating tapping sound upon awakening the machine spirit, and can even persist while the spirit is awake.>CuresSome Techpriests will not attempt to fix this problem out of fear of accidentally summoning more daemons. Those brave ones that do wish to attempt to slay this daemon are advised against pouring Ungents of Rislone, as these are generally considered a small bandage upon a larger wound. Instead, you must ask permission to see the machine spirit's inner landscape. Then, consult the machine's entry in the Holy Alldata Digitome for further instruction.Not Approved for Young Techpriests image included.
>NameVermiculus Corona>DescriptionThis mysterious apparation appears on smaller machines and various consoles throughout the Imperium every so often. The true cause is not known, inexperienced Techpriests fear the worst and start to consult the tomes, whereas more sage and wizened members of the Admech simply reapply the holy solders. The Vermilucus Corona simply turns the infected machine into a useless lump of metal, until it is expelled from the system.>CureDo not heed the advice of anyone lower than the rank of Enginseer. Inexperience leads to fear, and fear leads to rash decisions. Higher ranked members will assess the damage and cure appropriately.
>NAMEThe feeding one>DESCRIPTIONFirst discovered by Inquisitor Jebidiah Hendrix, the feeding one is a demon who attacks the machine spirit in audio emitters. The demon itself is nearly silent, only detected by its soft hum, yet its attack on the machine spirit is so violent and cruel that the machine spirit can be heard screaming in pain.CURERearranging the emitter so the demon becomes confused and can't focus.
>>25816081Oh that's good.
>>25816081Can we make a reference to Noise Marines?And we gotta 40k that name up son.
>>25816194I was thinking Slaanesh. But I couldn't fit it in. Also, how does Nutrimenta clamore sound? Its the feeding scream in my gutter latin.
>>25816081Jebidiah Hendrix is now an NPC in my Dark Heresy campaign.
>>25816236We shall dub it Clamorus. Just make a reference to the demon being involved with numerous battles allied with the side of Slaanesh.>>25816256Why not make him your PC?
>NamePuncturom Deflatio>DescriptionThis daemon can manifest itself within the tires of Imperium vehicles. Symptoms include a deflated appearance and a drop in the ride height of the vehicle.>CuresDo not attempt to repair the tire. Instead, continually inflate all four tires when the vehicle is being refilled with promethium.(Seriously, people don't understand that if one tire is flat, you don't have to put air in all four. "Oh, my tire light is on, better put air in all the tires! The other day a car had 83psi, 70psi, 75psi, and 16psi. Can you not tell one tire is lower than the others?)
OP here, I'm gonna archive this thread right now.We've had some kick ass demons so far, thanks to Mechfag for his vehicle-related posts, and thanks also to everyone else whos posted so far.But I sense that this thread is far from over.
>>25816408I'll be looking over some old Repair Orders for inspiration for more.
>>25816444Well post all of them and other anons can pick and choose.
>>25815907>>25816065>>25816324I lold.maybe something about an unsanctioned modification to imperial vehicles, where a large protrusion is added to the rear of the vehicle in the belief that it will make it go faster? This is, of course, heresy.
>>25816480I reckon the younger Techpriests heard stories of Orks putting these on their cars and seeing them go faster.Of course, for non-Orks it doesn't work.
>NameGremus>DescriptionThis is an illusive demon, if a demon at all. Some Techpriests consider it a myth made up by Guardsmen or a very strange xeno, description vary from a small human to a small greenish monster that gnaws on wires and violently takes machinery apart.>CureUnsure, since the excistence of this demon or xeno is highly doubted.
>>25816467Sounds good, here are some fun ones, ranging from retarded customers to "wtf happened." These are all tickets that were given to me and I've had to either fix, or explain to the customer that their problem isn't a problem.>Customer states vehicle's dome lights come on when door open>Customer states vehicle was sluggish and the rear tires would squeal every once in a while. Customer states problem is gone but now there is a vibration in rear end and parking brake is inop>Customer states clutch might be going out. (On an automatic Honda Accord with 10,000 miles and those stupid automatic slappypaddle shifters)>Customer states there is a dead cat somewhere in the engine bay>Customer states car will not start after accidentally putting diesel into the gas tank.>Customer states car pulls to the passenger side when he drives his mother to the after hours clinic (She was 600+ pounds)>Customer states she hit something and now she has no oil in engine.>Customer requests price to install aftermarket body kit. (No, shove it)>Customer states car will not start after leaving the radio on for dog while customer is at work (As a plus, the car smelled like baked wet dog, sauteed in dog shit.)>Customer states car pulls to the left (When the car had four different sized tires)>Customer states engine is knocking>Customer states engine overheated and no will not run>Customer smelled coolant and then the car stopped running>Customer states AutoZone said the problem was the torque converter.
>NameAmplius Chronos>DescriptionA nimble and agile little spirit that had originally sided with Chaos. Due to it's potentially usefulness, the highest ranking members of the Admech deemed it to valuable to destroy immediately. Thousands of man hours were poured into purifying the demon, many a Techpriest perished but in the end Amplius Chronos was turned to the side of the Imperium.Able to speed up the processing times of any and all machinery it can come into contact with, Amplius Chronos is almost irreplacable when used in conjuction with military equipment and when larger machines have much slower jobs that require lots of power.Must be used sparingly, if no heat-sink method is applied.>CureAmplius Chronos has been cured and is now a benign source. However, if signs should point towards heresy of the taint of Chaos, seek the guidance of your nearest, highest-ranking colleague.
>>25816630>Customer states car pulls to the passenger side when he drives his mother to the after hours clinic (She was 600+ pounds)AHAHAHA!
>>25816700Ended up aligning the car with two oil monkeys sitting in the passenger seat (One in the other's lap), a master tech sitting on the hood against the windshield, and two bags of oil dry in the floorboard. The customer couldn't have been happier when he drove his hamplanet mom to the doctor's and the car didn't try to veer into a ditch.
someone needs to do clippy, norton, or the rainbow wheel
Bumping for the glory of the Omnissiah!
>NamePlea of the Magister Seneschal Nigeralis VII>DescriptionReleased by the forces of the Arch-Heretek in the aftermath of the reconquest of Mars to frustrate Imperial pursuit and waste the resources of the loyal, the Plea is a logic daemon that infested the vox systems of the Imperium.The Plea takes the form of an official emergency plea for rescue from a remote Imperial World that is under attack from an Ork horde. Claiming to be authored by the world's master of coin the Plea often requests emergency assistance from Imperial forces to a set of randomly determined coordinates in space. In other cases the Plea offers fantastic material rewards to the brave soul that dares rescue the supposed author.>CureThe Plea of the Magister Seneschal Nigeralis VII is inimical only in its ability to cause gross waste of resources to the Imperial Guard and Fleet. Pronounce once the Rite of Removal before striking the Rune of Deletion to purge the logic daemon from the machine spirit's memory.>AddendumIn an increasing number of cases response to the coordinates given by the plea will lead Imperial forces into ambush with elements of the Archenemy leading to the loss and capture of quantities of Imperial materiel. The Adeptus Munitorum has urged that under no circumstances are Imperial elements to respond to a plea for assistance from Nigeralis VII.
>>25816480==ON THE ADDITION OF NONSANCTIONED VEHICLE MODIFICATIONS==+BEGIN TECHCAST+Greetings, fellow worshipers of the Omnissiah! Recently, I have received news that young Techpriests are modifying Imperium vehicles with UNSANCTIONED MODIFICATIONS. Such modifications include the addition of large "wings" that protrude out of the rear of the vehicle in an inappropriate manner; adding "ground effecting kits" that compromise the vehicle's ability to traverse terrain; lowering the vehicles ride height in a way that damages tires, suspension spirits, and compromises the vehicle's integrity; the modification of a machine spirit's exhaust pipes to give the illusion of a larger engine; and the addition of large wheels with thin tires.These modifications are HERESY and the continued use of these modification will lead to IMMEDIATE servitor conversion of the guilty techpriest AND HIS OR HER'S SUPERVISORY PRIESTS. These modification ANGER machine spirits and compromise our holy designs.These modifications DO NOT increase the vehicle's speed and DO NOT increase the chance of a techpriest attracting the attention of the opposite sex.+THIS CONCLUDES TECHCAST, MAY THE OMNISSIAH BE WITH YOU+
This looks awesome.OP, if you're still around, you should try and find pictures for each of these and post it in 1d4chan
>>25817549I'd definitely contribute, at least with vehicle related daemons. Someone else would have to do most of the computer ones.
bumping for a second time.This thread needs to stick around for a little longer
>Data Pox >Description Data Pox is oft birthed into the world where the Prayer to Align Las-lines is misspoken. The daemon lives where the dataslate is connected to the info bank and comes to haunt the dataslate. The spirit plagues memory cores with uncertainty even as heresy does pester a hive, and makes the files to wither.>CureFind three documents of Epsilon-rated clearance level, bind them with fine wires and burn them by the application of current. Let the ashes fall upon the suffering dataslate, and by a sharp blow just above the keyboard let them penetrate the soul of the machine and fortify its memory.>more superstition
>NAMELibre del Fac'ee>EFFECTAn insidious and hypnotic semi-sentient database designed to attack Imperial infrastructure by ensnaring the minds of our loyal workers. Through means unknown, citizens are compelled to transcribe every detail of their thoughts and daily activities onto the database, no matter how mundane or inane - it is believed that the Libre feeds on the cognitive dissonance that arises from treating banality with an enthusiasm akin to religious fervour. Tellingly, its main weapon is a simple tool whereby one can demonstrate appreciation for the speech of others, thereby strengthening the link between citizen and database via the false sense of validation that this engenders.>ORIGIN Commonly believed to be the brainchild of Tzeentchian sorcerer Marcus Zucaterin, Baronet of Virginal Wrath. Borne of his bitterness at the perceived happiness of others, driving him to create this monstrosity as a means of destroying the interconnectivity between other people. The resulting lack of productivity this causes in afflicted areas is considered an unintentional side-effect.>CURENone yet found, but it is hoped that Zucaterin will one day overreach himself and place himself within our grasp - it has come to our attention that the Ordo Hereticus plans to educate him in a whole new manner of communication.
>>25817115>These modifications DO NOT increase the vehicle's speed and DO NOT increase the chance of a techpriest attracting the attention of the opposite sex.I just had the notion that all the skulls and scrolls on Imperial tech are the priests trying to get laid.
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/25814374/Archived. Praise the Omnissiah for archiving this database of knowledge!