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/tg/ - Traditional Games

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Okay grea/tg/ents

I got a question to ask of you.

I'm in a PF homebrew campaign now, where it's become exceptionally clear that we're being railroaded, and any attempts to stop the plot-train are met with death by APL+2 CR with eight mooks to make CR+5. My previous character, a Lv9 CN Silver Draconic Sorcerer who was (prior to IC events) an ex-noble just taking the life of a bounty hunter because it sounded lulzy (more complicated but text limit) died by eating a frost giant club to his face.

Now, he died at Lv7 because well, bullshit happened, and the DM thinks negative levels are infinitely worse than they really are. (He also insists that looking up the generic DCs and such on my skill checks is cheating, chewed out somebody for tracking EXP on a trip between cities, and this is a list I could honestly storytime if asked)

I'm now a Lv4 ToS Artificer (who started with and minmax'd 6.4k gold in order to not be shit in a Lv7 party), who is getting told by the DM that I'm probably going to die in the first session because Lv4. Despite me having 19AC and no exceptional qualities appearance-wise (We got attacked by tyrannosaurs, they prioritized the caster because Fireball requires verbal components and Rexes have +37PER and 2INT, but they're "mindless animals and mindless animals are immune to mind-effects Anon").

Now, I'm honestly tempted to leave the group. Only problem is the other three players, while not quite S-tier RPers, are pretty chill people that I enjoy hanging out with. I honestly don't even mind the DM out-of-session, granted I disagree with him on virtually everything he talks about, but hey, opinions n' shit.

I can make this story time, and tell you all of the CN Sorcerer (Silver Draconic) who dumped his SP into speech skills only to never get a single fucking check because "Diplomacy DCs are high, Anon." Only caveat is, I want a legitimate opinion.

Should I quit this campaign, /tg/? Internal impasse n' shit
Yes, you should.
I'm going to give you some advice you aren't going to take, because everyone ALWAYS takes the path of least resistance, and this isn't it. You should do the unthinkable, and actually discuss what's going on with the group. Talk with the Party, try see if they also are having problems with campaign, and talk with the DM and see if he is willing to accommodate any changes. Don't level the whole "if things don't improve then I'm out" thing, just say that there are some things about the campaign that bug you, and you're voicing your opinion.

But you won't, because no one ever does that, and nothing ever changes.
Your DM sounds like a little bitch.
I'd try talking to him about throwing you a bone. If that doesn't work, then quit.
>Should I quit this campaign, /tg/?
Yes. And if you don't do that. in the next game back the rest of the party, because "Fuck you I'm neutral I'll do whatever the fuck I want", died horribly and leave the game.
I actually have talked to him.

He dropped 5 Tyrannosaurs on us immediately after an encounter with an Allosaurus. Told us our rolls were legitimately that unlucky. My sorcerer died. That's where we all lost two levels, but Thiefbro: Druid sacrificed the Allosaurus we tamed the day before and two levels to resurrect me, Barbarian sac'd the power of his God-tier sword and two levels to begin a JRPG crit-chain that instagibbed the dinosaurs, and Thiefbro hid in a tree. Thiefbro wasn't penalized, but I lost two levels (Skill points, spells, and feats were lost too because 'negative levels are cruel!')

Proceeded to tell us that we should've been able to handle it. I looked up the CR math, and told him that 5 things in a CR9 encounter bumps a CR9 to a CR13, even IF three of them ran on their first turn because he 'caved' and gave me a d100 to each of them to see if they'd book it for being on fire from Fireball. (I used a ghetto voice to elaborate that a Tyrannosaur might be somewhat bothered by suddenly being on fire when his previous thought was "I'm a gangsta dinosaur, you bitch-ass cracka")

His argument is that the system's just that hard and that I "could have restarted at Lv1 instead of Lv4." I had to lawyer about what Charisma-Slut the Sorcerer did in his lifespan in order to get Level 4, I fucking shit you not. It was a big deal to him that I argued my points, to which he answered "You cost the party two levels," despite me not even once asking for them to do that. My resolution is that Artificer is the last attempt at making this campaign somewhat enjoyable, then I'm probably just going to tell him how little I appreciate his bullshittery as a DM.

I was almost inspired to make my current Artificer into Old Man Henderson. I shit you not.
Dude, you have two choices. One, go full Iron Man and magic item to be able to IGNORE anything you come up against that isn't "the world dies, the end." Or two, play sensible, die to a shitty DM, and offer to run Shadowrun or Hyper-Simulationist GURPS or something. You know, the kind of thing that makes a system like Pathfinder seem like a kindly lady holding your hand and warming some milk for you.

What kind of fucking weird-ass homebrew did your shitmaster of a DM come up with where players gain negative levels for acts of spontaneous heroism?
Did you call bullshit on the mindless trait of the dinosaurs? Even though the DM has the last word on the rulings, he should warn you beforehand, that he isn't going to play the rules as written.

Also story time, please

Howabout you actually storytime this for /tg/ rather than giving it to us in drips and drabs?

First impression - he is not going to change. He does not sound like a chill GM who will roll with what his players tell him when he hears that the book says differently. He sounds like he expects you guys to have some absurd level of power, and proceeds to neuter whatever avenues to power you pursue by telling you that the rules don't work the way the book says.

That said - the idea of letting the whole party die and then running something yourself to show them how it's done has merit. If you like hanging out with them other than his shenanigans, the solution is to just keep the dipstick-DM from being in the GM seat.
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Storytime inbound. We'll start with the introduction of our Sorcerer hero, Cayle.

This story is gonna be a long one. Should I green-text it or outright write it like some fluff?
If you are a good writer, write the story as fluffy as possible. If not I wouldn't mind a greentext
Enter Cayle, son of a noble family who earned their nobility through finding a Silver dragon way the fuck out of its home territory (joke is that it was going back home from a trip to the southern island chain), and helps it heal its torn wings. It grants him some gold, bangs his daughter (after rejecting the weird lumberjack's daughter four times), and the Milburn family is born.

A few generations in, the Milburn family's doing pretty well. A young scion known as Cayle is born, and his magical talent is noticed by his father before anyone else. Keeping him as a pet project, James Milburn raises Cayle as a Sorcerer, convincing him that wizards were boring old farts who read books all day. Cayle didn't mind the books, but he liked women.

The easiest decision of Cayle's life was embracing his Draconic bloodline and using his magic for innocent shenanigans that effectively let him become a playboy noble kid. However, he began to get ambitious. He wanted to do something that would be "Cayle's achievement" rather than "the Milburn Family's achievement."

He wanted to be famous, so he saw an opportunity in a lesser noble family that was suddenly becoming a name spoken behind closed doors. He sees an opportunity to be in with a family that might go up in power, and has the hots for their heiress. His playboy nature fades, and he kind of develops feelings for her after they nonchalantly bone in one of the Milburn hotels within the capital city.

Well, Cayle's father knew that his son would end up being an ambitious little shit (noble Sorcerers generally are), and figured out what Cayle was doing. He informally booted him out of the house, and was about to make it official when, sure as shit, something happened to change that mood of Papa Milburn's:

The Wallace family suddenly was on par in political power with the Milburn family. No rhyme or reason, but fuck were they rich. Understandably, this didn't leave the Milburn estate. (Cont)
Cayle, however, moved on rather quickly. So much so, that through failing several checks Cayle didn't even know what his own family was doing anymore, and didn't give a shit once it proved irrelevant. Never formally being kicked out, he was able to do whatever he wanted and as long as he wasn't burning houses down and screaming "FOR THE MILBURN FAMILY!" he wouldn't have to really be phased.

He joined a guild of bounty hunters, figuring that collecting bounties and occasionally having people refuse to go to jail would be the best way for him to keep practicing his magic and expand his talents in a way that he saw fit.

Now, mind you that he had no idea what he was getting into. He was a grunt, and face of a party he didn't even realize he was joining. He found a dwarf drunk on the stoop of some bar, and other shit happened that pulled the party together to take a job hunting for some man named Hebos, who was a criminal that might have had some ring that nobles wanted. (We had a lot more people than just us four, but they've dropped due to schedule issues/work)

We go into a cave to collect the ring for some noble family or another. They're paying a lot of money for this thing, so Cayle's like "Well I can learn what this is and possibly con them for more later." Nobody else really has nearly his ambitions, but he's beyond giving a shit. He's the leader by default, since none of them know what they're doing anyway. This is exemplified by the fact that the Rogue goes to check a sign and gets a beartrap on him.

We travel some caves, experiencing some kind of magical phenomenon called a Swell. It dicks with Cayle's magic: his attempts to mark the cave system with his Ring of Arcane Signets ends up killing someone later when the Swell amplifies it into Explosive Rune. (Cayle didn't know that, because the Barbarian drunkenly staggered off and started combat while everyone else was RPing; at this point it's via Skype)

What happened with the Explosive Rune was that Cayle placed it, the DM cackled, and then told me that "Cayle doesn't have the time to Spellcraft it, because he hears combat and rushes to investigate!" Somewhat annoyed, I figured "well if he didn't do that I'd probably be here for fuck all ever trying to learn what I was doing anyway." Later on during this part of the adventure, the DM at random goes "The party hears a muffled explosion from back the way they came."

IC: We find ourselves in combat with bandits! Generic shit, we deal with it rather quickly. Nothing special happens here at all. We travel through, and find a cliff. Barbarian climbs it, and finds something. He comes back down with something fixed to his hand. This thing looks to be a greatsword of some kind, that welded to his hand. He proceeds to fall off the cliff and scream a few curse words out as he says "oh this sword? I found it" because apparently the Barbarian didn't have the mental faculties to connect "painful feeling" together "sword glued to hand" as a bad thing.

Shortly after, we get in another fight after Cayle reveals through Spellcraft that this sword will damage the Barbarian on swings, but is otherwise a +1 sword.

The next fight has the Barbarian hiding like a bitch because he almost died when he PA'd a Bandit and did half the 1dAssload to himself as well. On the final surviving Bandit, Cayle throws Charm Person and proceeds to bullshit that this guy's friends were all dead due to a huge misunderstanding and that he didn't remember us because there were Orcs that attacked us last week, one of them got him good on his head. I nat20'd, so he started grabbing at his head and going "Oh yea, I do remember the Orcs..."

Cayle hands him a gold coin (DM insists that a single gold is a big deal for NPCs), tells him he might not want to come into work tomorrow because we're about to tell Bossman some bad shit. He grins and runs off giddy.

Sounds normal so far, right?
>Sounds normal so far, right?
Except for the sword with recoil damage fused to the barbarian and that your DM dictated your actions once.
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Gets better.

Some shit happened where I wanted to play a game while doing the RP, because I had shit to do on my MMO with some bros I've known for a while.

He proceeds to flip his shit over the ordeal, kicks me out. Everyone else starts leaving, he apologizes and asks me back. I do it, because my Tuesdays were 'Murrica-brand free.

We return to go fight Hebos, meeting in person now. Thiefbro leaves to get guards to kill one another, and reunites with us at the door. We find a Tiefling Druid tied up in the corner (Thiefbro's player's fiancee) for reasons she hasn't explained and probably never will.

Shit happens, Cayle convinces everyone in the room that he is God and that they're all worms when he accidentally Sleep on Hebos, the half-giant badass with an axe bigger than most people. Thiefbro does coup-de-grace with a dagger to cut off the guy's head, we get the ring, and turn in the reward. Cayle took notes of the weird noble prick that showed up to take the ring and a weird idol we found, claiming they were trinkets of his family. He disposes of them, takes some kind of gem out, and refuses to give a fuck when Cayle says that the reward wasn't quite up to snuff for how we had to fight a fuckton of bandits for this piece of shit trinket. I even roll decently, but didn't realize Diplomacy/Bluff DCs were as low as they were, so I fell victim to the DM going "this is beyond you, you should stop."

Earning the right to better pay, we get the job to help deal with Shadow Demon attacks. They've been materializing in banks, and vanishing off with fucktons of gold. Our investigation leads us to a library. We find out that there's a secret section of the library.

Cayle likes libraries.
He likes secrets.
He fucking loves the SHIT out of secret libraries.

We go to ask permission to enter the library. Cayle rolls decent rolls, fails the diplomacy. The Barbarian puts on a crown, announces he's royalty, and demands to enter.

The Dwarf fucking gets it.
The Librarian apparently crit-failed the Sense Motive roll, outright going "Hofuck royalty in this bitch" and just lets us in through extension of Dorf Royalty.

Cayle, IC, just makes the previously posted face while I, the player, am laughing hysterically. What I didn't realize was that me validating this scenario effectively cursed Cayle to never succeed at anything ever again, because it's funny to everyone else.

We go in, and it's a library that just goes on for miles. Poorly lit, dusty as shit, with my cantrip of Light we see that it's pretty fucking big. Goes on for potentially miles down a weird slope into the distance of the caves fashioned out under the city.

This is some big plothook shit, I figured. Cayle was all about this, because we're outright told that this library appears to be a place to store records, and that the further away from the ladder the less dust there is on everything. Cayle pulls a book off the shelf, expecting to explode because of a trap.

"Cayle, what's your bonus language from INT?"
"Uh..." (I was new to this concept, at the time I knew jackdick about Pathfinder)
"You get an extra language, what is it?"
"Uh... Let's say Elven. That sounds reasonable enough for a noble kid."
"Yea. Is there a canon reason I can't?"
"No, just... Ugh."

Cayle reads it, can't actually comprehend it, but knows that it's got some ancient dialect of Elven that's just close enough for Cayle to pick out that it's about some historical event or another.

A Swell manifests, drains all of the magic out of the room, and our lights go out asides from a torch. Cayle sees the dust, all the yellowed tomes, and goes "Let's leave before we burn this place down."

What happens is that we are greeted to the telepathic Guild Leader (a Psionic) flipping the fuck out because he lost contact with us. We explain, he says that the Guild has no power to investigate further.

We resume our antics when the DM glares at me for wanting to go back later.
>We resume our antics when the DM glares at me for wanting to go back later.

He was frustrated, that you took interest in the game world? Or was glaring, because you ignored some plothook and tried to investigate in a (wrong) direction of your choosing?
We go around, trying to get back in the next morning. Meet two Paladins that refuse to budge, even when I try to Diplo' them.

They say fuck off. DM says "These are Paladins, this is how parties get wiped, Cayle. You should stop, you have a job from your Guild Leader."

I didn't have a reason for Cayle to give a damn either way, so we moved on. Found the guy responsible for using demons to rob banks. Druid dropped a fucking wolverine on him that ate three people the fuck up in its only turn.

Honeybadger didn't give a shit about Reginald, the Lv1 budding crime lord.

We were suddenly supposed to take him in alive because "Cayle didn't ask if the crimeboss was supposed to be taken in alive. Generally they're supposed to be, Cayle!"

Basically my counterarguments that he's fucking up the town and that we found all of his stolen goods anyway were ignored with "you still fucked up. No pay." I took it, figuring "fuggit, we'll go to the library."

We get ambushed outside the library by thugs, and the Guild Leader telepathically says to ignore the library.

We kill demons, investigate more, and find out that a noble family is the source of these demons. I ask which one, DM smirks.

"What is the family that Cayle's girlfriend is in?"

I should've known right there that this wasn't going to end well. My pass-time, if it isn't obvious, is to write. I know a tragedy when I see one, but I didn't recognize this shit.

The Wallace Family was the source of these demons. Cayle was like "No way the sweet young woman who I kinda-sorta-care for is the cause of this! I'll find her, she's probably rebellious to the whole idea."

DM then proceeds to bullshit that she's moved on after Cayle disappeared from her life, his explanation that his dad didn't approve was apparently usually a lie to mean "I nailed and now I gotta bail."

A CHALLENGER APPROACHES; she has a new boytoy. Cayle's like "oh I'ma fuck some demons up, save the girl, regain my noble lineage, and get laid."
I assumed we took a wrong direction on the investigation. We find out later that the Library was supposed to scare us off because of how big it was.

It wasn't supposed to be interesting, I guess? He insisted the Druid would be upset over all the 'dead trees' in the woods.

Oh yea, the Druid is how we knew. She talked to the remnants of the trees in all the wood to learn about the library or something. It was pretty neat, actually.
Anymore OP?
Yea, typing it up.

This shit gets good here, when we infiltrate the lair of the Wallace family.
Looking forward to it. As much as I dislike his attempts at railroading, the story is a good read.
Cayle had found out all of this information when he snuck into her room and pilfered her diary. She was smitten with some new man. Cayle, being irritated that the only girl he gave a shit about moved on, wrote "THERE WAS NO OTHER WOMAN" and dropped the book.

DM shrugged as if to say "cool story bro."

The Druid and I move on, Jedi-Mind-Tricking the various goons around the building into believing I was their boss and that the Tiefling was a concerned servant that was scared about something in the front end of the building. Cayle unwittingly convinced them to fuck off in the general direction of the Barbarian and Rogue, who were wrecking shit throughout the whole building after Cayle told them to stay put.

The Barbarian slaughters 45 people, and breaks five vases. The rogue was sad, because they were priceless works of art. The Dwarf Barbarian was like 'lolfaggot' and used the cleansed Recoil Sword (now known as Jim, the Godslayer according to the Dwarfbro), to turn into a blender that dead bodies fell out of. After spinning to win, the DM announced that these guys weren't worth experience because of how brutally they were all dying. After mercilessly slaughtering all of these goons, the Barbarian goes into the dining hall and proceeds to find out where the mooks are coming from.

They ask him why he's covered in blood, he screams "MORE ALE!" I would've had to roll fifteen d20s with modifiers and DCs of 40+ in order to pull that off. Dwarf just gets this shit given to him because he's a blood-soaked Dwarf with a huge sword and only wants beer. DM didn't even bother elaborating further when I was like "What the fuck?!"

"Barbarian fits right in with these guys! They won't think that he's a traitor, a well-dressed Sorcerer on the otherhand..."

Meanwhile, Cayle convinces thugs that they could possibly be fighting a dragon and that they should secure the noble family into a safe place, or they'll lose their chances at making the next paycheck.
As the story progresses, Barbarian n' Thief Bros proceed to leave the mess hall and resume their rampage. Cayle and Druid find a locked door, and a robed Sorcerer bein' all chill with some random highwayman. At the time the Tiefling and I were disguised as Highwaymen, too.

We fit right in. Cayle grabs at his head and goes "Whoa... Things look funny... I can see..." and effectively works into his act of feeling woozy the act of casting Detect Magic. The hostile Sorcerer is like "Are you a scion?" I bluff that I found some potions in a cabinet and helped myself to them thinking they'd help me fix my stubbed toe. He casts Detect Magic, and instantly finds us out.

He reaches for a wand, I go to hurl Lightning Bolt at him.

"Roll initiative."
"Wait, doesn't my thing go off first?"
"Roll initiative to see what happens first!"

I do this, we start a fight where the Sorcerer and Highwayman are about to kick the shit out of me and Druid. In comes the Barbarian, screaming and yelling "HAY MAGIC MAN!" as he proceeds to wreck shit.

We venture in, finding a secret path. Some meaningless shit happens, we reset our spells with an 8hr rest in this tunnel and some spider spell. We trudge on, finding a chapel-esque setting and a fuckton of dudes. DM goes "this is where the campaign will end, you guys kill this guy then yay!"

Fight starts, Cayle lightning bolts and instagibs eight dudes. Cool, right? Apparently cool enough for Shadow Demons to get summoned and proceed to go murder-hobo on his ass. He barely manages to escape, and comes back in time to see some big vampire-lord prick shouting about how we're all faggots for ruining his wedding.

"I expected Cayle to wait and see what was happening,"
"Cayle's girlfriend is missing and this Vampire guy is running a wedding, dude why would he wait?"
"Ooookay then,"

Proceeds to fight. Jim possesses Barbarian bro. Barbarian Bro shits all over everything for three rounds, DM goes "wow I made this guy too hard." (cont)
>"Roll initiative."
>"Wait, doesn't my thing go off first?"
>"Roll initiative to see what happens first!"
This, right here, is bullshit. Unless the sorc had quick-draw, he couldn't do shit. You both got an action in the surprise round, which basically means he spends his standard drawing a wand and you spend yours dicking everything ever with lightning. Which may be the reason your GM seems to hate you. Casters > Everything in 3.x, remember.
Yeah, your DM is a 4chan Dorf wanker. Hes clearly favoring the Dorf. Not to mention has very poor grasp on the rules. Basically you need to call bullshit on those shenanigans.
The DM sounds shit for many reasons, but half the things OP is whining about aren't that bad or are even justifiable.

Also, by your own admission you knew jack shit about the game. And it is pretty dickish to play two games at once, that kind of half-assery just erodes the entire atmosphere. If I were DMing I'd have made you pick one or the other: RP or MMO, not both. I probably wouldn't outright kick you but I do insist on commitment, and that's not a failing in a DM.
Oh god, if OP just showed up with his own annotated copy of the Pathfinder rules and was all "Ok, I've memorised the rules and made notes as to the Errata and FAQ, with URL references" then called bullshit on any and all stupid rulings with page references... he'd have successfully turned into a grade A rules lawyer. But the DM deserves it, to be honest. This level of bullshit does not go unpunished.
Effectively this is why I didn't argue, really. I didn't know much. It isn't until I start learning about the system and shit that he starts getting kind of dickish. Things are mostly just me, as I concluded at the time, effectively not being able to do jack dick because my DCs are astronomically high while nobody else suffers that problem.

DM starts announcing how this guy is supposed to be inflicting negative levels.

Cayle's meaningful contribution is convincing one of the clerics now would be a great time to leave. He convinces the Vampire Lord that he's fucked, to which the Vampire Lord's patron demon kills him.

Everything else in the room books it, except us. Cayle screams for his girlfriend, and runs to find her and all the bridesmaids dead. They were all vampires. Cayle's in outrage, pissed beyond belief that the only person he cared about died.

"Yea, this was supposed to end your backstory's relevance, I'm done with all of that."
"Dude you do realize that this won't really do anything but make Cayle go grimdark, right? He's going to find a way to kill that demon."
"Do you think he's going to have a chance? The Demon doesn't care, and he shouldn't either."
"Cayle will do whatever he can. I want to RP it out, but Cayle's arrogant enough to try killing a big-name Demon. It'll be a sideplot more or less."
"Okay then," the DM says. Later he tries to argue with me that Cayle shouldn't logically care.

Time-skip. We're on our way to Dwarf Land. During the two-month Time-Skip, Cayle got a Scholar's Ring. Now here comes some extreme bullshit. DM tells me that I have to have the materials to activate Scholar's Ring, so that I only get one charge of it with purchase.

I find no such ruling about it except at Item Creation, he says "It's in there," and when I get another friend of mine to help me out he rectifies the issue. Damage is done though, as I lost my opportunity and really didn't get dick for my legend lore activation. (cont)
As far as I can tell, it is an online campaign, so he couldn't show up with his book and the OP is fairly new to the system himself.
Crap I knew I was forgetting something.

In the time where I was kicked, they moved off Skype and couldn't get a session started up. They started meeting in person, and I was invited back. I should've clarified, my bad.
Ask for page references, then. Fuck, anything to make it seem like OP is catching on and doesn't have time for any more bullshit.
Well, that is the clearest sign of a horrible DM ever. "I hate your characters backstory so Im gonna shit all over it." Talk with the others, express your concerns; if they dont care or tell you to suck it up, leave. This is your only option left.
Thanks for clearing that up.

How long is your GM using Pathfinder and did he clarify, that there might be some houserules?
It's the system, and his houserules are random and not very coded. Massive is a huge thing, and all sorts of shenanigans. Charisma-Slut playstyles are punished by having stupid high DCs, "logical" things that block this kind of stuff, and the Barbarian's sword can change its properties at total random. Those are the houserules I've gathered so far, I can't quite get any semblance of order out of them.

Cayle gets the names of every member on the governing council of the Human nation, however. Apparently this is a big deal, as he learns all of their names and all of their histories through this Legend Lore. (I worded it as: "Who are the people on the Council and how did they get there?") He just says "you know their names and histories," and goes "except for one." He spits out a name, and says "this man's history is blocked by some strange power. You can't determine what it is."

Cayle writes down everything he learned in a journal, which I had established he had. I maintained what was in it with a notepad of my own I used to keep track of information. I said "I hope you don't mind, but this will help me keep to Cayle's character. He's a schemer, thinks a lot and wants to rule everything. His CN alignment comes from how he only cares for himself, but wants to be powerful. Chaotic is from how he constantly thinks of shit, not quite 'lelrandumb' as much as he is plotting within plots, and the only one who can make sense of his motivations is himself.

Now, we move out of the city and head on to Dwarf land. On the way, we encounter generic traveling problems. Dire lions, goblins, generic shit.

Nothing seems to do any amount of damage though, that isn't paled in comparison of the Barbarian's holy-fuck rolls. He is consistently doing a minimum of 30+ damage a swing, and so rarely misses that we get scared when he does. Nothing can touch him, he's become a Lv9 EXP blender. Encounters enter a five mile radius of him, and then die.
Cayle, on the otherhand, has 13/14 in the social skills after all the stats have been applied. I took the spell Awe, to amplify my ability to intimidate people away and end fights. I rationalized it that Cayle was doing investigating and shit in the six month timegap, but the DM effectively negated all of my attempts to do anything and I had to settle with a bank that was failing from the start.

Now, the horseshit starts happening here.

The Dire Lions attack. They're mindless, quote the DM, so I can't use Awe to shoo them off. I can't use mind-altering effects or anything, which is effectively what Cayle does. He Charisma-Sluts around and does what he can to stop other mages and be the Face.

I'm negated, effectively, but have blaster spells. No bigge. Then suddenly the Druid is able to communicate with the 'mindless' Dire Lions. I'm like "wait, they're mindless but can talk to the Druid?"

"Druids have the ability to commune with nature." He looks to her, "This attack isn't personal, the lions are just hungry."

Bells ring. I look it up but keep it on the sly, because last time I tried to verify something in front of him he lost his shit.

We then get attacked by an Allosaurus. We deal with it, and Cayle readies a Magic Missile to down it after we heal it with the caveat of "if it gets pissed when it wakes up." It almost killed a horse, so we intended to tame it and make it carry us to the next city. It gets up, DM smiles and goes "Everyone's actions proc!"

I'm like "I said if it gets pissed, specifically, Cayle won't fire at it if it just leaves because it is -not- pissed."
"You said if it gets up!"
"Ask [rogue], I said specifically 'if it gets pissed.'" Rogue nods, adding in that was a caveat to his action too (which was to sever its Achilles tendons if it got aggressive again).
DM frowns, "I guess I'll be nice and say your actions don't proc,"

Druid had been doing the whole "Wild Speak" thing. We were gonna tame that dino. (cont)
>DM frowns, "I guess I'll be nice and say your actions don't proc,"

Now we have to add into the fact that the Allosaurus attack was at night.

Cayle had a Ring of Sustenance, which I heard on good advice was pretty fucking nice. The DM insisted that the Allosaurus attack happened during the two hours where everyone is asleep, because RoS requires 2hrs/night for the full rest. I just shrug and say "okay, what could go wrong?"

Well one of our horses being rendered useless by having all of its legs broken while the other one got outright eaten by a giant fucking dinosaur apparently wasn't the worst that could have happened.

No we find that out later.

DM rolls on daybreak, and starts cackling. Moves to get a drink, still laughing. Comes with a soda, says "This is going to be interesting, but you should have it. It's a little above your level, but it won't be too hard for you guys."

He begins to elaborate that there are five god damn tyrannosaurs, and that "they will eventually be on your campsite during their daily hunt. Your druid is incapacitated, not all of you are fully healed from the fight with the Allosaurus, and one of your horses is laying on the ground still lame. What do you do?"

Well, considering my spell list had jack-dick in terms of killing dinosaurs, I go ahead and get this out of the way with a question: "T-Rexes are mindless animals, aren't they?"

"Yep, that's the ruling."

Cayle sees this encounter and decides the best thing to do here is to hit them first. I mean, he could cast his defensive spells, but the last time that Mage Armor and Shield were cast the Barbarian instagibbed everything and Cayle didn't get experience from the encounter. In hindsight my choice was "die swinging" or "die with more damage." I chose to blast some dinosaurs, since the DM insisted we'd be fine if not a little roughed up.

Fireball resolves.
"These guys see Cayle did that."
"Wait what?"
"These guys have a +37 Perception. It doesn't matter what they roll, they're gonna see it."
"What the fuck?" (cont)
This guy sounds like a dick. As a GM of 10 years I would say do not stand for this shit and call him out on it before leaving.
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"Some human is waving his arms about, shouting, and then suddenly they're on fire. How would they not realize that he cast fireball?"
"Wait so mindless animals can deduce which one of us is the caster and go for him?"
"If he's waving his arms about then yea,"
"Okay, let's think this out a little further, then. You're a T-Rex. The most bitchin' animal on the plains. You walk around, shit gets fucked up, you go get laid because fuck yea T-Rex. Now you're in the middle of casually rapping to yourself about how bitchin' it is to be a T-Rex, and suddenly you're on fire."
"Going from "imdabes muhfuggin' thing on dis earf" to "holy shit I am on fire what the fuck is that human shouting for" is BOUND to scare these things off. Mindless or not, fire is fucking scary for animals."
"Fine, I'll roll a d100 to see if they run away, but they probably won't."

He begins to cackle. First one gets a 1. It books it. Second one gets a 1. He's not as happy anymore. Books it. Barbarian goes, gets between me and T-Rex, goes into rage, passes turn. Rex3 charges past him, gets tickled on an AoO and then chomps our Sorcerer friend.

"How does 47 damage hit?"
"I go to negative 11."
"What's your CON?" he seems almost surprised that I got my ass chomped by a T-Rex.
"Okay, T-Rex4," he continues.
Two turns later, he looks to me again while I'm looking up ways I can not die.
"Cayle, you didn't roll massive! Go ahead and do that."
"Can't we just fudge it that I pass for the sake of dramatic effect? I mean it was two turns ago,"
"No, Massive is a rule, you have to roll it."
I roll it, fail. The sword does something, and I get to roll again. I fail that.
"Time to make an artificer!" I proclaim, not really all that phased.

Now, to explain, I like artificers as a concept. Tinkerers in general are my favorite thing in fantasy settings, because they're mad geniuses who just do cool stuff. I don't even want to munchkin, I just like the concept. (cont)
It sounds like anything you attempt to do is going to be shot down or gamed against.
Fighting a GM is pointless. That is what a douche GM like this wants is to be fought against so that he can feel that he is in power.
As I recomended earlier, talk to group about this shit, then get as far away from this horrible excuse for a DM as possible.
Oh yea, I definitely start to get that feel here. However, what happens next is just bullshit enough so he can proudly claim he helped me out.

Now, I start looking up stuff and getting d6s to reroll as an Artificer, he goes "You'll be Level one!" and is proud of that fact. I shrug, knowing full well that I probably somehow fucked up. Hindsight is 20/20, however, and I realize now that with my spell list being what it was, nothing could have saved my anus from the stubby fisting I got from Rex3.

"Don't get too dedicated to that, the rest of the party can still save you," he says aloud. He starts pulling people off to the side. Tells the Barbarian and the Druid they lose two levels, and that the Allosaurus dies. Thiefbro earns his name on his turn, however.

"So uh, you said there's like one tree over there?"
"Yes, it's the only tree for miles."
"How tall is it?"
"About ten foot,"
"I'm gonna go hide in the tree and keep climbing,"

I salute you, Thiefbro. Your cunning saved you from legitimately LOSING two levels, rather than gaining negative levels.

Meanwhile, Cayle gets resurrected as Rex3 turns to face the pissed off midget. Said midget teleports around and cleaves its head off. He then teleports and instagibs another T-Rex because apparently when his sword possesses him Cleave gains the range of a howitzer. He guts Rex4.

Rex5, not having had its first turn, proceeds to roar angrily, and fucks off, clearly stunned by how his two bros just got destroyed by a pissed off midget who screamed "MAGIC MAN! NO!" before continuing his rampage.

Cayle loses two levels, Druid loses two levels and her Allosaurus pet, Barbarian loses two levels and his sword is depleted of power, but we're all alive with just bruised egos.

Now we get some merchants who see the dead dinosaurs, and want the pieces. We find a cool dagger, and I managed to con make 1k gold off the merchant to distribute to the party.
Now you'd figure that's the end of it. No, not really. Only the dead know peace from this hackey-sack bullshit we're calling a trip to Dwarf-land.

We proceed on, nothing happens for two days. A welcome respite from "holy shit dinosaurs" and "what the fuck five dinosaurs" as has been attacking us lately.

I look up the CR math. We had an encounter of five boss-level creatures that would've totalled the CR to 13, instead of 9.

Prior to us all dying, the comp was so:
Lv9 Sorcerer, Lv9 Rogue, Lv9 Druid, Lv10 Barbarian

Now he had admitted immediately after the fight was over that he fucked up the CR system. I thought that we'd get some kind of token for that, like maybe not losing two levels and having to undo all of the skill points and spells we lost? No, he then goes "You should be happy you survived, I could've just let you die,"

At this point I start getting more vocal about the bullshittery, to the point where Cayle, in-character, is frustrated with how his life's been going. Makes a little speech about it with the Barbarian, trying to see if he can't get the sword to work by talking to it.

Oh yea, the sword. I almost forgot about this dandy plothook that, when I went to bite it, told me to fuck off by itself. Spellcraft checks and Know>Arcana wouldn't tell me it was intelligent apparently, so I had to get Barbarian to tell me it was. I found out that the sword was made by a council of demons or something to 'kill a God!' Over the course of doing this it did precisely 25 damage. I started to use my Diplomacy to good successes, and then suddenly his sword wasn't up to talk anymore. I got a plotpoint that I couldn't do anything but stare at.

Technically a success? Cayle learned that the demon he had a hateboner for was one of the demons that made Jim, and that Jim wouldn't be sated by killing Cayle's archenemy.

There was plot EVERYWHERE. But too bad Cayle wouldn't live to see any of it.
Thus far, you've committed some errors - playing other games at the same time as this game is a no-no, and clearly you aren't up to spec on the general rules.

That said these two minor transgressions pale in comparison to the shining tower of faggotry your DM appears to be.

Animals aren't mindless - Oozes are mindless. Golems and simple undead are mindless. Animals are sentient creatures and have minds. Double horseshit bonus for 'mindless' T-Rex's with magical knowledge and advanced reasoning.

Diplomacy DC's are clearly not respected where the dorf or you are concerned.

The backstory fuckery and the complete lack of understanding of the characters in his game is fucking atrocious.

Losing Levels vs. Negative Levels. Fucking dumb.

"Secret library is supposed to be scary and boring guys!" Christ.

This group needs a DM coup.
Though, Cayle would be dead before the next night was through.

We pushed the horses (long story on how we figured that out) to exhaustion, but before we ended for the night we found a large campfire. It was attended by some strange creature nobody could see. We just go by.

I shrug.
"Cayle says "Fuck," and casts Mage Armor."
"The creature hears you casting, and hurls a rock. Your spell resolves though."
"My AC is 18, then."
"It rolls a 17, misses cleanly."
Cayle proceeds to go on about how things are always trying to kill him.
The fight starts, and we get flanked by an additional Giant and a huge Ice Wolf. These two flank the cart we're sitting in, and Cayle gets out of AoO range to fire lightning bolt and hit both of them.

Frost Giant passes Reflex roll (DM told us that is what they were but if we looked up the stats we'd take penalties).
Ice Wolf fails.

The Giant takes 13dmg. Wolf takes 26. The giant turns over and swipes his club at Cayle, doing Massive and killing him instantly.

My Artificer is now drafted, set up to have an AC of 18 with a shield and is going to do his damndest to not get his Lv4 ass killed. I've told Barbarian's player that if Artificer dies on the next session he's done.

DM probably thinks I'm munchkining, but it's more just that I know how to handle the system now, and I really want to make him not die a lot. I'm building him to be a Hunter from Halo, effectively. A dude with a shield that blasts rays at people, because fuck yea.

Probably gonna get killed on his first session, if Barbarian bro getting a summer class on Tuesdays doesn't shit in our games and have the whole campaign cancelled.

Funniest part? DM was like "This is my longest running campaign, my first near party wipe too!" as if that's supposed to make me feel confident I'm not getting buttfucked.

Probably gonna quit after next session, and go start my own game on Skype using a borrowed RotRL book, because I don't want to accidentally do this stuff.
What the fuck is a TOS artificer? Also, there is no way to win this. If you like the rest of the party, figure out who you can scavenge from the inevitable ashes.
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Oh, best part? When I looked up the ruling on animals and intelligence...

He proceeds to claim "Oh animals are intelligent? Wow that's new, I must have missed when that was added,"

Effectively a class that goes "I make magical items and shit all day because fuck yea I'm Iron Man"
So is anyone else getting shafted or just you?
My mistake, I thought it was ToS but it wasn't. It was some 3rd party thing, which the DM -said- was okay to use when I told him it was on the SRD.

If that sword (Jim) wasn't an Artifact I'd go Old Man Henderson and salvage that bitch into an amulet and give it to the church. Or a bong.

Just me, from what I can tell. Nobody else is having this problem. I assume now it's from my accidental "plot-derailment."
oh god. Yeah, you should have fun with that headache inducing class from a horrible 3rd party book. Tome of Secrets is considered the worst class update book ever.
Frankly, if the DM didn't like you as a caster, this clusterfuck off a third party class is going to get you hatefucked pretty damn fast.
OP, just roll a dorf barbarian. Say your the other ones brother. Then if he shits on you, he shits on the dorf.
Fuck, I mean "you're"

Abandon ship or voice your concerns, I've been singled out before and the plot gets epic then the game burns up and dies. I've experienced it and been it's victim. The whole game becomes a focus on the dead man and then when he dies there is no steam left. The character the DM hates is forced to be the main.

The last time it happened to me, the DM got fed up at my surprising knack of not dying. It got so bad that all plot was 'Anon must die now destroy him.' I can storytime but it's a doozy.
This is /tg/. We like storytiem and you've got nothing better to do
Savvy, here we go. Stop me if you've heard this one before.

Alright, so our sordid tale begins as most D&D 3.5 sessions do, character creation. Now, I had been playing with this group for quite some time to this point, so we knew eachother's playstyles pretty well. Introduction for the troupe stands at:

Supercleric: he plays cleric all the time, but decided to mix things up this game and roll an Aasimar favored soul.

Bastard GM: AKA things i should not say lest he browse this thread. Needless to say, he will earn all his namesakes.

Hobbit: Playing an elven truenamer, not important for now.

Brony: Surprisingly not ponyfagging this game up, Fighter of some sort.

And Myself, why I'm playing what I am is the first chapter. In the next post.
Either Hobbit will never be relevant. or he's going to break the game....Fuck it's not possible to be a Truenamer in any other fashion.

Alright, so with the other guys rolled up, I was stoked to play an archivist who would multiclass into wizard. We hadn't had a chance to talk characters yet, so I am unaware of what the others are playing, but I have a character sheet all done, just needed to plug in the rolled stats at the meeting. The whole group knew this was going to be my next character, I've been talking about him since our last game burned up, but still, SC has a raging hardon for party balance and the GM had other plans.

>gm: Hey anon, your playing that rogue from a few campaigns back right?
>Me: No, I was actually hoping to play the Archivist, you remember, I've been talking about him for a while.
>GM: Well, we need you to play that other one so your playing it.

Now I'm more than annoyed, that rogue was a horrid match for this party (oh, before I forget, GM has GMPC who is "half elf" ranger, quotes shall be explained.) Because he is a demon blooded little shit who has a tendency to turn to homicide/torture and we have a goddamned aasimar jesus in the troupe. However, I can understand the need to not lost limbs to traps, so I attempt a compromise.

>Me: Hey, if I roll a character who can skill monkey and trap, will that suffice.
>GM: Only if he's the same kind of character.

I get annoyed, but I see how racially freakish the group is, so I get an idea for something cool. I pull the GM aside and ask if I can roll a "human looking guy." Since we're all foreigners, I figure I can ask for an oriental race without issue. Hengeyokai; essentially a person who can become an animal. GM is somewhat annoyed but allows it. I also ask for spellthief, GM allows it. This is important to keep in mind; he looks human unless you implicitly know what to look for, something no one int he party should be able to do.
OP, why haven't you already jumped ship?

Also, a nitpick: CR (Challenge Rating) is the static value a creature holds which describes how difficult it is. EL (Encounter Level) is the variable level of the encounter, determined by the CRs of all enemy creatures in it.
>GM is somewhat annoyed but allows it
>something no one int he party should be able to do

Oh, this gonna be good.

Quote explained now that I have a break, GMPC is a goddamned half-elf with Giant Blood and Drow blood. Both somewhat homebrewed racial level shit. So save brony and mayby hobbit, I am the most normal fuck at first glance.

Game starts simply enough, tavern, quest, explain why the hell your there. Most settle for 'drinking' I go with 'riverside tavern is better than stowaway.' Either way, intro goes wellish. Everyone introduces and I realize, 'oh shit I forgot to name this shit.' Still, considering the concept is 'disgraced foreigner' I decide I can bullshit. Hobbit decides that Truenamer doesn't buy his bullshit name (Jack) inspite of a successful bluff on my part. But still, alls fun.

First quest was to stop a bandit insurrection. Revolution is in the works and Duke wants them dead. So we get to work. So we have some bandit encounters, one stands out though. See, we broke camp and then were discovered by bandits, but they made enough noise for us too hear and see coming. So party decides to ambush.

>SC: "I hide in the tent, sword and spell ready"
>B: "Behind the rock"
>H & GM: "Up the Tree"
>Me: "It just rained right?"
>GM nods
>"I roll around in the muck, trying to make it blend in more."

More background, the thing the GM was implicit on was that he wanted a vicious maguyver type character. He used those words when telling me what to play. So I figure to try. Roll well, stay hidden. SC offhandedly remarks that I may leave a human shaped lump, and I ready an action to shapeshift (since I'm hidden well enough that no one should see that shit.) but it never comes up since I'm not discovered. We manage to kill the bandits with fire, but afterwards, Hobbit is all up in Jack's business about 'knowing his secret' and I have to remind him 5 goddamned times that he did not shapeshift and even if he did, Elf wouldn't know necessarily. But still, it continues.

Remember, GM asked for Maguver. Continued.
So, I have been reading.
And as far as I can tell, the OP is a dick.
An opinionated self centered 'that guy' that is ignoring the circumstance.
There are plenty of undertones int he story but you know what, I read up until a certain point and grew tired of the 'I'm right and he's wrong' undertones.
The situation is that you're a rules lawyer and insisting you are owed certain things because of x or whatever. This is the shit that makes me leave DnD like a prom night dumpster baby.
Every heard the words, "have fun?"
Ignore the mechanics. Ignore the certain things and just let the DM continue. Every nit pick is so fucking small that if you hyper focus on all these little things, sure it's bad, but only because you can't look past IRRELEVANT SHIT that only effected you. Back to my original point.
Op is a new player asking new player questions and getting burned for it by a railroading DM.
Railroading DM who doesnt know the rules and has a hate on for OP.

So, more encounters in the fortress, and we eventually come across the cache of black powder and other such bombs. My character, coming from the land that the GM had confirmed was the origin of this nonsense, already has a plan.

>"I say we blow this fucker sky high, destroy the insurrection quickly and painlessly. Can't do shit without this."

Of course, rest of party thinks the idea is actually pretty alright, but GM immedeately gets hackles. "Ohh anon, what about the treasure and the moneys" Says the puppet ranger mutt thing. "We can't just leave that.

>Fucking watch me, Jesus is bleeding everywhere, Truenamer needs more than magic, and I'm not willing to risk our ass for money we can't even carry out of here. We're blowing this shit up and then we collect from the rubble.

Party goes along with it, and we maguyver that shit into a bandit firework. GM was far more annoyed. Taking me aside to ask "what the fuck anon? I had shit planned."

>You asked for maguyver, that is exactly what my demon would have done, and it's in character for this new guy too.

GM can't argue, especially since this is the same session he asked for maguyver. He just gets huffy. That night, he has the Boss bandit miraculously survive mongolian barbeque and ambush us in the night (inspite of watch.) And his first target is of course, Jack. I had to remind him that Jack was harder to spot, sleeping in the still filthy sleeping bag in a ditch (hates tents.) GM settles for Hobbit.

This is literally the first session of a game that will take months. If I was not already comfy with this group, I would have been more worried.

Now then, the troupe decides to hang together because well, money. So we manage to get a hovel in the town and much fun is had until of course we find more work. The Duke's daughter has been kidnapped by beasties and we should fetch her before she's munched. We get our adventurer panties on and head out.

>You come across a fork in the road. One side cottage, other side cave, which way?
>Hob: Cave seems pretty goddamned obvious.
>Brony: Who the hell would live that close to a monster lair?
>Me: I'll check, probably nothing but we can never be sure.

Sound logic, cottage looks abandoned and bare, save for some soup and a locked cellar door. Remember, I was shoehorned into playing a skill monkey. So i try to pick the lock. The first sign of trouble rears it's ugly head. "You can tell the DC si too high, you won't be able to pick that." Oh well, shit happens. "Made out of some sort of metal?" "Yes" "I drip acid on that bitch. If that doesn't work, I'll blow it the fuck up with one of the bombs we snagged from the bandits." Nothing, the lock was unphased. However, I pose that the cellar door, the hinge, something should be destroyable. Wooden floor for fuck sakes. "Nope, enchanted." I have to remind him that I am a spellthief and should be able to fucking tell that before wasting precious supplies. GM doesn't budge, oh the fuck well, steal the cutlery and GTFO.

>Bad news all, that cottage is up to something, potent magic everywhere.

Party rightly decides that cottage must have something to do with something, and that maybe truenamer would have a better shot at fucking with those damned enchantments, since there is plainly something in the cellar. Then, right as we start heading towards that fucking cottage.

>"Where the hell was detect trap check?"
>"Eh, already rolled it, you failed obviously."
No dice were heard rolling since before fork.
He rolled the dice in his heart. His black heart.
The problem is, rules-lawyering applies when the DM is going "this rule isn't too important because it improves the story". Whereas this particular DM is going "this rule isn't important because I get to fuck someone over". He's not hand-waving the rules, he's *lying* about the rules.

Your DM is *lying to you*. This is not and has never been new, it was the case right back when 3rd Ed started. He got caught cheating and he's trying to cover his ass. The difference between Int 2 and Int - is plain as day, and if he genuinely, truly is so bad at the rules as to have got them mixed up, he's not competent enough to DM. Either way, he needs to step down.
It gets better, it gets much better
So, we are now in a dank dungeon. Hay and Pallets broke our fall for some reason (remember these, it will be important later) and there is writing on the walls about 'defeating my seven children.' So oh shit son shit is getting real. I don't get to dungeon much, so I'm somewhat stoked. We press onward into one of the rooms

We wind up in a giantess's bedroom, heavy S&M motifs, somewhat weird but whatev. Fight commences but she deals fuckall dice so squishy 'human' is staying the fuck away from her and instead rifling through her shit to hopefully find some sort of map or note. I instead find her cache of treasure, including a scroll of resurrection. Now seeing trouble, I palm that shit because Hobbit has been funneling all the healing shit to Jesus which just screams good idea in and out of character. Que Hobbit immediately screaming at me for 'punk ass rogue treasure sniping' inspite of being in the middle of a chant. Now I was already rolling stealth and sleight of hand because Giantess still wants my balls on a platter and I don't want her seeing me again, so I pose that a spot check should be in order.

GM waves his hand with "Eh, I'll let it, I don't want too much party derision." Que HolyShitWTF mode, but I'm not arguing this shit because it wastes time. Giantess is slain, and turns into a gem. Hobbit immediately grabs it and gets feral, not allowing me to appraise/check4curse, insisting that I jipped the party. I offer my share of the loot up there, pointing out that an Aasimar who can res does not need a scroll of res and we always need a backup just in case we lose him. Que Hobbit "I'm onto you, freak."

Whatever, Hobbit can't find the scroll even with a pat down and complicit cavity search with the search check. So he can't stop me anyway. We carry onward, and for once my class abilities actually come in handy. I spy something shiny on the ceiling, a trap? Well, here is where it gets good.
Waiting warmly.
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>giantess's bedroom, heavy S&M motifs

Giant Red Flag of Thatguyism
Yeah they were supposed to be 7 deadly sins or some shit like that.

So then, the 'trap' was a handle near some freeflowing water. I warn the party and play around a bit. Ultimately, it just controlled the water flow. Worth paying attention too but nothing too dangerous, just odd.

So the next room was a giant feast hall; with the Princess tied up and apple in mouth, the main course for our next boss. Remember we have had no rest between these, but we are still pretty alright so we get this shit going. Still, this sonofabitch has a cleaver which never says good things. But still, game goes on. Now, I am somewhat useful, but I am focusing more on getting the girl free then killing the beast since that is the damned goal and GM has a rep for squishing prizes infront of players eyes. Besides, the other players seem to have it handled.

Then the Giant throws his cleaver, apparently he has more than one.

Jesus is taken down from a cleaver to the face, and Hobbit is next, and now shit is getting dangerous. However, our target is free and I have a plan that makes sure that I am not the next to be cleaved.

>Fighter! Muttface! Grab the other two and haul ass back to the entrance. I'll keep them at bay.

Hobbit gives me the most confused look I've ever seen, but the characters + maiden haul to the door. Remember that handle. Well, Jack breaks that bitch the wrong way, flooding the dungeon (it became apparent in the fight that the giants were using the thing for just that.) Disable device check, nat.20, Gm tosses his hands up with "Ah shit TPK." I simple look at him, Jack then yells "Close the door, leave a crack, and get to that hay." Party realizes we will float our way out of this, but unfortunately that door is a bitch to open and Jack will probably die from this. GM warns me of this, and with the rest of the party out of sight, Jack shapeshifts for the first time in the whole damned game. Que arguement from GM:

quick continued

>"You are still fucking dead, no health and now all 6 are on your ass."
>"Rabbit is lower size, AC boost. Besides, try that cleaver shit underwater."

The game devolves into arguing over air mechanics but ultimately it becomes. "Rabbits can't hold breath worth shit, but tiny ass beasty is good at hiding and needs less space to breath at the ceiling. giants waste time and energy and drown quickly. I harvest those gems (they will be useful later.) But this took 20 minutes of arguing with the DM to get to this point. I pop out of the crack (more arguing on if it was enough.) and return to human form. By now, truenamer and jesus have been potioned and que hobbit rallying that she knows my secret. "What secret elf? I just saved your fucking life and that is how you say thanks?"

Conversation ends quickly, because a fucking frost dragon was waiting for us at the mouth of the cave. Who has frozen the water back into the dungeon, and killed the maiden we were working to save.

I repeat, we have just fought two bosses, stabalized our two magic users, and now a dragon is waiting for us, a party that has just barely reached level 3-4
Yeah, thats just bullshit there.
Oh trust me, this is one of the least bullshit bits we've dealt with in the whole run.

And this is the 5th (ishk, it all blends together) session. Still, this is bad, like really bad, like TPK worthy. We later learn that this was the intended final boss of this dungeon. Are you noticing the pattern yet? Anyway, it's time to fight a motherfucking dragon.

The fight was pretty epic, goblin shaman ontop who was killed quickly, and then nearly nommed GMPC who managed to hack/arrow his way out. Still, the bullshit commeth. Jesus knew the books like the back of his hand and knew fucked when he saw it, so he turns around and grabs the girl and jack, quickly saying. "I'm with you, we're fucked, run like hell." GM immediately says "you fall Jesus, you fall HARD."

Que us both reminding him that the favored souls can't actually fall, Jesus was the nickname because that's pretty much what the class is and does. Still, we decide to stay close enough to heal/arrow, and escape by the skin of our teeth. Hobbit now definitely does not trust Jack inspite of the fact that he saved her life and offered the run like hell option when the dragon busied itself with the frankly doomed ranger. Still, we live, huzzah! And then the fighter and favored soul say in unison.

"We are skinning this goddamned thing for armor."

Have you ever watched a DM blue screen? I can't describe it but that is the face I saw. He had to call the session early because he did not know what to do. But considering that the fighter knew how to skin and had dragonslaying training in his backstory, DM could not say no. So we each get enough frost skin/scales for ONE piece of armor as he works through this nonsense, but tells us that we need to find someone who knows how to work it into that, because none of us know how to, fair enough. It is about to get much worse.
Awaiting with great arrival
I feel like I missed something. How did the dragon die so that you could skin it?
We used arrows and magic and raw guile; and I still had one bomb from the bandits. Think great dadongo from Ocarina of Time.
Fuck I get distracted for an hour and people are telling stories n' stuff. I love you guys, okay? Okay. Thank you for the support n' not jumping down my throat, I was expecting a lot more "fucking nub" replies than I got.

I'm not even sure if it was because I was a caster. I honestly believe it was because Charisma Slut that went for plothooks that he apparently would dangle in front of me but not want me to chase. I've RP'd before, just not to systems.

I am giving it another session or first combat. The way it's looking, one of the other players picked up a class on the scheduled day and doesn't get out of it until Holy-Fuck PM, and he works in the morning. Depending on how that goes, I might just tell him that I don't plan on joining and just use this Lv4 Artificer sheet I have to join another game later.

Oh really? I know the CR of the T-Rex encounter, what would the Encounter Level be for that?
See, our illustrious DM forgot that dragonscale armor existed, so he spent the next session scrambling to work something in. Well, he found his answer in a way.

Our next mission was now finally character based, we were heading to the larger city to actually get some goddamned armor. Well, we get our first warning that something is terribly wrong when we see the guards looking at us funny after our visit to the smith. Though some of us get the armor (Jack outright refused as did ranger for some reason.) We are immediately confronted by the watch and told that the Duke would 'like to see the new heroes.' He had heard of our exploits from the daughter (who was rezzed) and wanted to talk to us personally. Sounds great! Well, not so much.

Duke reeks of evil, as in 'paladins best be trippin to get to your door' kind of evil. No one has Detect A, but it's obvious. Drinks viscous wine and has a white shock in his hair while avoiding the sun. Well, that's the funny thing, my characters race has no way of knowing what a vampire is (that is the assumption obviously, no confirmation.) Instead, he thinks it's another shapeshifter, a badger to be precise. Wanting to know more, he decides to chat up the daughter. This was a very bad move, but a lucky one.

The Duke immedeately demanded the corpse of his beloved pet, the frost dragon, the DM completely forgetting that one member was not present for that. On pain of imprisonment. Apparently, the dragon was mind controlled by the goblin thing. Party had no say in the matter, but Jack.was not present. GM turned to me and I told him that I had went off to speak with the daughter, remember? There was some 'no you didn'ts' before the rest of the party sided with me. So then the DM gets creative. Continued
Early on, I was convinced I was accidentally becoming That Guy. I won't lie to you, I was like "Fuck I'm That Guy," and even tried to talk to him about it. Made a little talk about it before a session start.

I don't actually remember what part of the campaign that it happened in, but it's where I stopped caring. IC, Cayle began to joke about his luck. I bro'd up with these guys when they dumped two levels a pop to resurrect Cayle. Thiefbro's antics with the tree was just great to me, and even though he looted my body like a stereotypical thief it was chill because I thought it was funny when the DM had a metagaming dwarf priest that knew Cayle's corpse had more valuable shit on it than 200g and a ring.

The lulziest part was that the Journal that holds all of the CIA-styled Councillors is still in Thiefbro's possession to my knowledge. DM is apparently going "if you get caught with that book it's a tpk!" as if that's going to scare us.

Like, I don't know how to handle the situation anymore than just quitting and making my way to a different game for Tuesdays. I am working on starting my own as I've said, it's just I like to play more than DM because I'm a bit of a nubcaek at DMing, with or without a system.

"Fine, she is definitely wanting to give you a 'heroes reward' if you catch my drift. Interested?"

Now I am not squeamish about sex in games so long as you fade that shit to black and everyone's cool. But this was out of fucking nowhere. So I give one cursory glance to the rest of the group, who seemed alright. And I say sure.

"Alright, so what position do you use?"

Hold the fucking phone. Now I'm not happy. I have to actually ask him if he's serious. They have sex, simple enough without detail. The group is all dude and no homo and what the hell is your problem?

>It's important anon, for plot purposes.

Now I know the shit he reads, I know what's going through his head, and I inform him that this race is probably not viable with humans. Even so, the myth they are based on (fox spirits and shit) are renowned for their ability to fuck without conceiving or siring, since it's all energy to them. DM handwaves and says "Well I'll be the judge of that." Not pleased, I tell DM "If he really has no control over if he sires or not, he's going to be fucking careful and settle for shit that won't get her pregnant." He seems genuinely pissed now, and it shows in game.

>As she gives you head, the guards break into the room, she screams Rape, what do you do?

Now things are getting bad, we've gone to tragically uninformed pet killers to a rapist + buddies. Still, Jack is in no interest to actually be nailed on this false accusation. He tries to talk them down, but procs a tumble check to GTFO. Now this is the bit that bugs me, the game grinds to a halt just to follow me and make sure I get mine. A huge chase scene breaks out, mostly tumbles and shit, but well I built this guy as an escape artist so holy-shit-he-might-actually-escape. Seriously, window is within sight and he'll just regroup later. But the players had to sit and wait. Then, the DM literally spawned another hallway for more guards to pop through and tackle his squirrelly ass.
The hobbit so far sounds like a right pain in the ass. "I know your secret" my fucking foot.
>obviously evil Duke
>pet dragon
>Punishing players for surviving planned encounters
>withholding treasure

Nice quints, and your DM is more than a little creepy.

>what position do you use
>for plot purposes

>not viable with humans
>Well I'll be the judge of that

So, I have been reading this post, as far as I can tell, the shitposter is trolling OP.

I read up until a certain point and grew tired of the "DM is always right even when he's clearly full of shit" undertones.

Ever hear the words "have fun"? OP is clearly not having any because DM is shitting on him as hard as possible while ignoring the rest of the party.
So this is really bad, we are all manacled and brought before the duke, who is now considering just executing us all. Party is pissed at ME for some reason, hobbit especially, but the Duke settles for simply executing Jack and conscripting the rest into the military to repay his daughter's 'virginity.' However, I still have my day in court so to speak. Now charisma is not his best, but he is kind of a party face at times. So I demand some sort of check to attempt to sway the daughter back to my side, at least enough to keep my head on my shoulders. I outright tell him that it's bullshit to spring something like that out of no where. He 'settles' for a high DC diplomacy check. Nat 20

He's pissed, but he can't undo it, everyone saw it. So she relents and begs her father not to kill him. He (thankfully) allows me to live and simply be conscripted to pay off her 'virginity' that I somehow stole in a blowjob. Still, better than nothing. Then, the duke asks for Jack's share of the dragon.

>I don't have it
>What do you mean you don't fucking have it
>I mean I left it at home. Since we're going there anyway to grab our gear, I'll retrieve it and fork it over to the guard.

He glared at me as though I was Satan. Worse still, when we were retrieving what little loot we had, I managed a Sleight of Hand to keep some. Now I had made enemies with God, and he holds a very long grudge.

The best bit is that since the rest of our platoon/navy thing was construct, no one objected when the party elected Jack captain.
Holy shit you're getting a ton of shit like these trips. Is there a trick to it?

And that's pretty great that Jack's the captain. Depending, I might draw lessons from this for Iron Man the Artificer. >>;
Wait... a hero's reward... for killing the evil duke's pet dragon and getting the party about to be arrested?

You should play up how the daughter is rebelling against the dad with magic hymen tearing blowjobs, it'll probably feed into that dm's fetish pool and he'll ease off
>for plot purposes
I have no idea, when I relay this story all random number things just fall in my favor somehow. It always happens. It happened in game too you'll see in the update.
So then, a bit of a timeskip and now things are getting particularly odd. See, we had this little rule where if someone new was going to join the group, we had to have everyone be OK with it. This is to prevent creepers or group derision. Well, I manage to get a GF for once and she's big into /tg/ shit and wants to join. Playing by the rules, I ask the group and provide credentials. Cue shit GM. (It was stupid at the time, but I had been with this group for over a year and I thought that shit GM was done, since there wasn't an incident for like 2 months.)

>"Well anon, text everyone in the group and get there votes"
>Now community meeting
>Well, someone new wants to join and we should get their opinion as well.
Oh fucking hell if you don't want GF in the game just say so.
>No, I'm totally cool with it. I just wanna clear her character first.

So she starts on character creation but school hits everyone at once so meetings become monthly instead of weekly. Anyway. We are now on a boat, and we have gotten a new player, a psion somethingorother (not gf, still in character creation). Pretty chill, and more importantly not completely distrusting of me. Game continues and holy-fuck-pirates. Well, pirate invades, construct arms that deal my health in dice (i'm noting a pattern now) however, these are archaic and more importantly mechanical. Seeing as how we're fucked otherwise:

>Can I disable his arms?"
>With a dragon scale, can I jam the gears and disable his arms?
>High DC, if you fail he gets opportunity.

Where the DM hates me, the dice love me. not a nat20, but high enough. The DM is now plotting my demise, I can feel the schemes radiating from him. Still, broken arms + psion push equals drowned pirate boss. So yay us. Our first conscripted mission is to go to an elven city made entirely out of trees and weed jutting out of the ocean (this will be important) and retrieve a magic hootsbah from the whatsit.
Oh and go ahead and mine him for ideas, he took like 5 seconds to make but those type of characters are a blast. The core I worked with was that every situation had a solution in the world around it. So jack was like magpieing planks of wood and other such shit as well as keeping his eyes open because fuck sticking his neck out when you can bullshit your way to an answer.
Yea, I have an amulet of Sustenance right now on him. I plan to use that so that I never get the "immediately after waking, before you can prep your Weird Science creations, raptors!" shit to go away.

The Allosaurus taught me the importance of RPing out that the party sleeps on shifts or the DM will kill us/me.
Yeah, hence my 'roll around in filth and look like a giant turd' strategy.

For a time, things are normal, nothing is trying to kill me so I can take a backseat and let someone else shine/be hated. We find the tower and climb that shit, and lo! a wild necromancer appears! and he is pissed! Fight commences. And just when I thought this shit was over oh-fucking-hell-did-a-zed-just-plop-on-me-from-the-ceiling? Why I do believe one has. Apparently, there were zombies nailed to the ceiling in a crude alarm system. Still, mobs are literally falling on me exclusively from the sky. So now I'm not pleased, still, this is my one chance to shine.

>This i the first spellcaster i've sneak attacked, I am playing a spellthief.

The DM actually stopped when I told I'm I'm snatching a spell from this bitch. The rest of the table went silent. There was that dawning revelation the shit storm that was about to descend. Dm tried to get out of it by giving me chump spell, but I pointed out the random spell roll that had to be used. I got death knell from this thing, my sneak attack knocked it to negative HP. I tell the group to back off and Jesus starts howling with laughter. Only he knows what's coming. I use that shit, ruthlessly.

With another bossthing down, GM is now more than a little cross with me. But we discover incriminating evidence in the library, a painting of the duke centuries old and darker magics next to the damn book he wanted. Still, it's obvious to the whole damn party we can't let him have this, as this is some magic atlas bullshit that can lead him to god awful things we don't want to know about. So we make a plan to actually steal the thing from the guy we delivered it too.

We are about to steal the macguffin itself from the plot, this will not end well.
I got work tomorrow... If this thread 404s while I'm asleep you have no idea how upset I'll be.

This is some glorious shit, dude.
I will save this page and then post it in all it's glory sometime tomorrow. 2 hours before now tomorrow sound good?
Just save the number of the first post and look it up on Foolz if it 404s
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Hell yes.

I'm a newfag to /tg/, where's that?
this somehow sounds familiar, was there yarbles involved somewhere? also, does the tower come alive to kill you at the end?
No, it's far more ridiculous than that.
I recall a campaign that I jumped into right after they had beaten a Lich and they retconned me into the story as showing up after the battle. They explained to me that the lich had been killed by the party monk with his yarbles to the face as he did a backflip over him. yarbles being testicles. apparently the player bs'd the dm into the whole monks whole body being a weapon meant all parts of his body.
Now then, the plan was glorious in it's simplicity. Not a single fuck knew in game that Jack could turn into a rabbit. Not a single fucking one. They thought he was just an insane human. So the plan was to distract the guard while Jack did his thing and snagged the atlas, leaving a bomb (we found another) and a 'EAT SHIT LOVE ORCS' considering that this is an elven city.

The plan goes off without a hitch, because who the fuck rabbitproofs a tree? The problem, apparently this tree is particularly flammable. The whole goddamned city goes up in smoke, none of these great maguses can put out the blaze inspite of living ontop of the god damned ocean. That and apparently weed destroys your sense of self preservation.

Party escapes just fine, but Hobbit is livid, being an elf. But can't do shit considering that she pretty much facilitated the whole thing. The GM on the other hand, is throwing a goddamned temper tantrum. Apparently we had finally destroyed his plot so hard that he could not possibly salvage it. He had just one encounter left and then he was totally done. Well, we say 'lay it on us' and BAM, the pirate captain we had sank a while back, however, now he has a crew with him (dip attacked alone last time)

Let me tell you something about jack, he is somewhat unhinged in his pragmatism and hates actually having to get his fur bloody so to speak. So when the pirates attacked initially, he rigged the black power to blow in the hull because he thought the party could dinghy and escape unscathed to the city. The conversation went somewhat like this:

>Are there lifeboats? No
>You better undo the explosive Anon.
>I'll remove the fuse, no time for the rest.

The ship is still rigged to blow, as the constructs did not have it in them to undo it (they only serve the most basic tasks like rigging and shit), and the pirates are attacking with fire. Now while unintended, an exploding ship that will absolutely kill the boss and crew is amusing, it is more cont.
It is an archive for 4chan threads.

It is more amusing when captain Jack realizes his luck/foolishness and gets the party onto the freshly bought dinghy and paddles like hell to the now almost empty pirate ship wondering why the hell their new take is going off like the forth of July. The truenamer has her one useful moment and uses some tentacle shit to throw the rest overboard and we now have a new ship.

In one glorious moment, we have jumped from the railroad, captured the macguffin, and escaped conscription by effectively faking our own deaths with absolutely no witnesses. The DM is now red in the face, and he's blaming one person and one person alone.

Now a huge break is taken so the DM can rebuild something for us to do. But he takes me aside and tells me outright. "You may as well roll up a new character, because I am going to fucking kill this one off." Now this would be a great time for a sorcerer or a bard or the fucking archivist I wanted to begin with. But to be honest, I fell in love with this guy, he was just so much fun to play and he kept the group together in an odd sort of way. So I told the DM "Well, it would be really shitty to just 'rocks fall' him, but I'll be OK if he actually has a fair shot and still dies."
Rolled 3, 4 = 7

>"You may as well roll up a new character, because I am going to fucking kill this one off."

He isn't even trying.
Normally those words are fatal, but now things are going to get ridiculous. You will legitimately not believe the next bit here. So the next mission was a sort of side thing where we were being targeted by a bard that had some bullshit homebrew spell that allowed her to swap with an orc but gave some fucked up immortality as the other healed when in hammerspace. Similarly, she was after Jack for the gems that he had kept from his valiant efforts with the giants. The gems that were now cursed and fused into his abdomen somehow. . . Anyway, there is an epic standoff between the two on the rampart gates. She fuses her arm to his gut to steal the gems, causing fuckton damage that may kill him. But she relinquishes her defense. to a spelltheif.

Well, he eats that bullshit spell immediately, then drains her of the rest (healing with one of them), but she manages to get the gem (it was just one now for some reason) and cry out 'now I can resurrect the lords under my will!'

What does captain jack have in his pocket? From the same god damned dungeon? Well, he uses that shit immediately, the 'lords' making swift work of her allies (GM wanted to call bullshit, but the bard had tried using the same spell before so his hands were tied.) And then blasting her ass off the island castle thing with her own magic. He then commands the demon/giant things to follow her off the cliff, because fuck those things being loose. And merrymaking is had with the rest of the party.

GM is now not happy. So he takes me aside ad tells me outright "Your spellthief gotta go. That spell stealing bullshit is too OP, how the hell do I plot with that. Still, understanding his plight, I decide to make a compromise because I am a decent human being.

>Alright, then GM. There are retraining rules in the PHB2, could I use them to train him into a different class?

GM said fine but he wanted to approve that first. I chose beguiler because it was similar to what I was going for. GM was fine.
Oh, he tries, he really does try. You'll see soon enough. Should I hold off till tomorrow or finish storytime now?
Well, he is trying... to kill all the PCs in his boss dungeon or with his plan that somehow did not foresee super evil duke wanting a book and good guy pcs deciding super evil duke probably shouldn't get said book.

Now he's just trying to kill the guy preventing him from killing all the guys.
Hey man, I hate to cockblock but I got work in the morning too. I'll post the rest tomorrow, like 3 hours before this time. Think of this like a to be continued,
Well... I suppose it's a sign that I have to stop ignoring my body and pressing F5. Time to eat/sleep/etc.
This is just wonderful. All of this.
>retraining to Beguiler
Your failDM strikes me as not knowing what classes are absolute bullshit when played by someone with even a modicum of skill.
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I'll just post this here while waiting the next post.
Quit the group, take the players, DM your own game, ??????, profit
Continue, please. We're all waiting.
Went to sleep a while ago. Here's the math:

First, take the CR -- this is the EL of a solo encounter (i.e. one t-rex). Add 2 for the first doubling of power (i.e. the second t-rex). Then add 1 for a 50% increase in power (the third t-rex), or 2 for another doubling (the fourth). So:

* 1 t-rex is CR and EL X.
* 2 t-rexes are EL X+2.
* 3 t-rexes are EL X+3.
* 4 and 5 t-rexes are EL X+4. 5 is lumped in here because the EL system isn't granular enough to account for a 25% increase in power. This isn't a problem XP-wise, because XP is handed out based on the CR of each individual monster, not on the EL of the encounter. This is only a problem for adjudicating the difficulty of the encounter.
Okay back up, about to head into work.

So the math indicates the 1d6 Tyrannosaurs that exploded into us all almost dying was a CR13, with three Lv9s and a Lv10?

Wow holy shit. Apparently our rolls were that bad, though. I checked and it was an encounter we could've legitimately ran into. I imagine the proper way to handle that was try and suggest to us we run away, or simply have them ignore us if we don't attack them?
Okay I'm back up*

My b
Rolled 8, 10 = 18

Animal encounters have a huge granularity that your DM will never consider. From what you have posted, an encounter is "x things attempt to murder you." It will never be, "you are on the plains, and in the distance you see x animals. roll knowledge(nature)."
I was imagining that animal encounters weren't always supposed to be "a gang of murderous animals will kill you because I like stroking the Dorf's ego."

That's actually quite relieving to know that they aren't going to always equivocate to death.
Bumping to keep it up - any other great/tg/ents with tales of this kinda thing?

Also if anyone has advice to give, that'd be nice as well.
My first paladin I made met an untimely demise. I rolled him up to be a bad ass tank of a man. Gave him plate armor with spikes and a heavy shield. Oh, and a bastard sword. Yes, I know he could only use one or the other at the same time. Anyways, our group consisted of a sorcerer, a warforged and myself. We went to a town that was under siege from some sort of a monster. We didn't really get much information on it other than it liked to roar. So, we set up so we could ambush whatever it was. I was in the town center because I'm a badass paladin. The warforged and the sorcerer were on the building roofs. So, I'm standing there when the roaring begins, and I taunt it til it appears. A cave troll. Fuck. Well, here goes nothing. Grab my bastard sword and swing at the troll. Dm asks, do you have proficiency with that.. wait, what? Uh, no. You miss. He rolls some dice. The troll hits you. Then he rolls some more. It hits you again. Oh shit, I know what's coming at this time. He rolls some more and gets his hind legs raking at me. Then he picks me up and pulls me apart and drinks my blood.
Shit dude, that blows. If you use it two-handed, though it's a Martial Weapon. Did the DM just assume you were using both it and the shield or something?
>Trying to tell you how the fuck your character should act

That's it.

I don't even care anymore. That is, without exception, completely wrong.

OP, I'm in a similar situation. Just fucking prevent him DMing. Ever. He doesn't deserve it.
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Like, if you need to vent I'm down to read. I also kind of want to know how others handle this kind of scenario so I know what precedent exists for it (besides the glorious Old Man Henderson of course).

All things considered I've contemplated throwing a Bag of Holding/Pocket Hole combo at the Psionic Guildleader to effectively explode the campaign, if everything else (like talking this shit out) fails.
I can't really story time. I gotta study.

I've told the tale many times here, though. Maybe someone here has read the Tale of Lucky Two-Fingers?

I'm kidding. It was a terrible storytiem. I just bitched a lot.

I'm preparing my anus for my shit DM's new Shit Campaign: The Shittening.

Apparently the world he's "made" has only two gods. That literally everyone worships (or worships one of them, at least). And their worshipers are having a civil war.

And he means everyone. Kobolds worship the same two non-specific gods as dwarves. Oh, and, I forgot to mention, he started off character creation with this:

"Don't ask questions yet.
What class do you have the absolute most fun playing (no bards, just for simplicity )
And you're in battle.
Are you attacking or defending?"

What the fuck? How do I make a character if I know nothing about the setting or fucking anything? He only gave me any fucking details because "I was going to pout".

This is the guy that bitched at me when I called him out on stealing his entire campaign from Legend of Dragoon. And won't have permanent character death (we just fucking respawn, which is the most retarded shit ever).


Worst part? If I had time, I would take over DMing, because, unlike him, I know how to DM. I do not have time, however, and am forced to follow his shitty railroad. That is, until I pay the party thief to murder the DMPC.
Wait what

You had to argue with him to get story deets? I could see not telling you -everything- about the world, but just being like "Offense or Defense?" sounds pants-on-head retarded to me.

It's fuggin' DnD, not Unreal Tournament Team Deathmatch, shit.
Tell that to him.

It's combat all day errday.

Combat that we can never win, which doesn't matter, because we just get rezzed.

Or the DMPC does some retarded thing like talk to another NPC for plot details instead of, you know, letting us FUCKING PLAY. SDG FFGHDHGYT

I have most of the party behind any and all derail attempts. I'll storytiem what happens during our first session. I'll be playing a Paladin who doesn't take shit from retards (read: Every NPC that our DM will steal from a video game). Real moral compass kinda guy, with some rough edges.

Basically, I'm going to be timing how long it takes for him to put me in a situation where I have to choose between letting a town burn to the ground or killing an infant.
>choose between letting a town burn to the ground or killing an infant
Does he take his campaign plotpoints from Peter Molyneux?
Kill the babby. One death vs hundreds. For the Greater Good!
Legend of Dragoon guy! Your DM's ass size is Colossal and provokes attack of opportunity.
I have no idea who that is? Is it a PlayStation game? If so, then probably.

My character isn't going to kill a single person.

Brass knuckles are non-lethal right? No, not really. Don't even care.

Ha! I'll tell him that.

The campaign sorta stopped. I never got to utterly derail his vision.

I'm surprised anyone remembers me.

Cavalier dude is playing...another Cavalier.

This new campaign is set "FAR IN THE PAST" and we have to start worshiping one of the two retard Gods, named "Cantos" for whatever reason. He said that "we can convert later", which, knowing his inability to not do retarded things, means we're going to be railroaded into the future.

I think we have two clerics. I might be able to convince them to convert to pagan gods and help me lead a heretical rebellion against whatever stupid OMGEVILBLACKARMOURSOBADLOOKATTHISCOOLWEAPONTHATIDIDN'TBALANCEPROPERLYOMGPLOT Empire we're going to be a part of.

Also, when asking me about the character I wanted to play, I pointed out how this plot sounds identical to our last one. He then told me to "forget it" and hasn't responded to me since May. Next game is the 28-29th.
Bumping for this tale of Jack the Beguiler/Spellthief, aka Cap'n/Handsome Jack.
Well now that OPs back on I won't feel as bad continuing. How are we tonight gents? How close are we to bump limit?
I wish to here more of the fail train that is your inevitable death at the hands of dumbass DM.
good to have you back Cap'n
if your quick you might complete your story before it becomes to big an issue
I'm not sure how close we are. I think we've bumped three times so far.

But please kind sir, I'm effectively sitting cross-legged and starry-eyed. The tale of Cap'n Jack is sounding pretty fuggin' sweet.

If his last name is Sparrow he fucking wins for days
Peter Molyneux is the guy who made Fable, and insists that "This sword of Ass-Kicking or your Sister dies, your Sword gives you in-game benefits while your sister just vanishes after the credits" is good story.
Fuck, gotta eat, posting may be slow
Goddamn it, it's a quarter to four in the morning over here. I need either an archive of this or to die from sleep deprivation! How long does stuff stay on Foolz for?
Back, now let it continue!
He never came up with one actually, one reason hobbit was so suspicious of him.

Now then, it continues. So where we last left off; good old jack was retraining to be a beguiler. By the rules presented, this was a longer process that required the shift level by level. However, GM has now forbade most spellthief class features. What this has left was a pathetically underpowered beguiler who is starting to get the feeling that something is amiss. I petition to speed up the process if not just timeskip it away, GM relents from 'level' to 'something dramatic.' By now, I figure he's asking for it; but he's about to rub salt in the wound.

Before I get to the horror that is GMs next punishment for the maguyver he asked for, there is a relative party fail that should be attended to. Random encounters happen alot, and usually it means that Jack gets to do something nifty so I don't mind. However, at what is effectively half level, I am far more cautious. So some god awful sea zombie shows up; higher CR on it's own than the whole party before my level dock. However, Jack had no intention to keep the ship anyway, because it's a fucking notorious pirate ship. So ditching it is just fine. However, he does not want to ditch his friends, so that zed has to be handled. The plan is to bullshit something with the anchor and trap it in the depths from whence it came. The trick is tell tricking it. So the first move is to use obscuring fog. Unfortunately, both me and the GM now how badly Jack is dead if he gets hit by this thing. So after popping fog and setting his trap, he makes sure that no one can see him and shapeshifts, to better hide.

>From the other side of the boat, in the middle of a fog, while distracted with casting.
>GM allows this with no roll.

Fucking hell.
Fucking Hobbit. Was the player intentionally this irritating? Latent ass pain from rolling a truenamer?
So I understandably raise hell; one core premise of the race is how shameful it is to be found out, it has been established that one reason Jack left his home country was because he was found out there, and honestly it's too amusing being the most 'normal' character to the group besides bronies human fighter. And I point out that if the Zed, who is particularly close to me, has to roll to see me in this shit, than so does the truenamer.

>Good point, he spots you and starts lurching towards you.

Fuck. Then I state outright that if I was not allowed to roll to be hidden, then I would not have shapeshifted, since it's a huge in character thing to keep that shit a secret. GM tries the whole 'yeah but you already did it, etc. etc. but I point out that it is still my turn and damn it if you change rules/actions mid game than so can I. He backs down, for now. But refuses to relent on the zed coming after me. The zed who can one shot me.

Enter GFs character, she had finished last session so GM told her she could jump in whenever she wanted; because he was more focused on killing Jack. Well she decided that this battle was a good start; playing a werecat ranger (GMPC had left party a while ago) and jumping in right at the start of the battle. Still, she got a good shot in and knocked it overboard, saving my half level hide.

Battle over, Hobbit absolutely will not relent on finding out about the rabbit thing. So GM allows him to know anyway. Fuck it, I play it straight and Jack quips "Present me proof, one incident of this being true." She couldn't, so the rest of the party was willing to at least play along. Still, that is not the whole party suck.

See, now that gf had hit the field, party wanted to know about her. Hobbit had staged a coup a while back so she was acting captain (less risk of blowing up or some shit like that. Jack didn't care since the boat was toast the instant they hit land.) She demands to know who this person is and what she's doing there
I hate the hobbit player almost as much as the DM. What is the player like outside of games?
I'm not sure what was going on behind the scenes. I just know I got tore to shreds and couldn't help laughing
He was ok, but absolutely lost his shit when I started dating GF. Still, as an rper he was so-so, hated secrets and shit. Your gonna hate him alot more by the end of this though.

So the party was wanting to know what the gf was doing on their ship, assuming she was a hire from bardsplosion. "I stowed away, you know, from the city you guys blew up?" relatively sated, truenamer asks for her name. Now gf's character was on the lamb because being a werething tends to get you into a lot of trouble, so she lied about her name almost immediately. Que Hobbit without even rolling sense motive:

>Bullshit, what's your real name?

Gf is annoyed but follows my lead and plays it straight. This is enough for the majority of the party to believe her (save hobbit) and welcome her in, especially considering how badly we've been hurting for a ranger since GMPC left. However, party fail has one last punctuation. "Well, the rabbit here needs a babysitter so he doesn't blow up the treasure again. And you seem like just the girl to do so. Have fun." Of course, it's made obvious by this and some other remarks that Hobbit was putting the two characters together played by the two players who were dating. Still, play it straight with a shit eating grin, that tactic may not hold well though.

Now I must warn you, this next post is going to strain disbelief a bit, if only because I could not fathom any DM doing this unless the entire game was based around this one thing. However, I assure you that it only gets worse from here.
he was essentially leaving for another engagement not playing them both at the same time

So then, remember that curse from the gem, well, neither do I since it did nothing to stats and gave me a bitchin' tat. That and it made me big bad bait. Still, DM decides to unless the fury this next session, opening with one of the most bullshit things I had ever seen a DM pull; till this and since this I had never had someone be so blatant. Here is how the session opens for me:

>Jack, you awake from your slumber, your sheets are bloody, oh shit, is this the end? When you check under the sheets, something has fallen off. You are now female for some reason.

Whiskey-tango-foxtrot-oh-shit-you-did-not-just-pull-that; the gem apparently has a genderswap curse from it. I double check with DM to make sure he's serious and not trolling me or some shit, and then I remind him that as a magical shapeshifter, I am immune to these effects because I can undo them in a turn. And even then what kind of fucking plot is this?

>Not this one you can't, you also feel something like morning sickness. If you don't like it, just roll a new character.

Oh fuck no, I'll admit that I had shamefully become attached to my forced maguyver, he was just too much fun to play and I wasn't gonna drop him over nonsense like this; I play this shit straight. "Fine then, I am obviously horrified but hey, we'll be in town soon enough and I'll track down this 'church' jesus has told me so much about before attending my own funeral." DM simply smiles. "Well, you might have time, your not fully female, still bearded and shit, but your cock has rotted to ash." Fine then, I put that shit in a bag with the silent plan to cram it down the duke's throat.

Well surprise, the clerics were unable to help but did offer money for a lay (why the fuck are you clerics?) And my funeral had already happened so no way to find the duke for sweet revenge there but hey! His massive ass boat is docked to supply for some huge expedition to some uncharted place; the DM is trying to res his own plot.
>dick falls off and pregnancy due to DM FIAT
at this point, I would say, nope. fuck this I'm out. done with your bullshit.
I'm curious, how did your GF react to your shapeshifter character irrevocably genderbending a session or two into her time in this campaign?
Seen from outside and all.
>Dear /tg/, my DM is a railroading piece of shit. However I don't want to confront him about it because I don't want to risk my friendship with him despite him being a complete shithead in and out of game and I don't really understand what a friend is. Please give me some sensible advice like talking to the group, the GM, or even just leaving the campaign, that I will completely ignore because that requires being vaguely assertive.
Because of a curse that I've had all along that is just now kicking in. But it's tots fair guys I can just roll a new character! /sarcasm

However, he wants jack dead and buried first. Or Jackie as he is quickly becoming known (Hobbit had femdar or cursedar or some shit like that.) Now then, the current plot was that our ship was hotter than the plane of fire and we knew it. We had painted over the obvious shit, but one guard getting into the hull and we're dead meat for all the contraband we have. This is a problem, it is contraband, no one wants it, and we can't cart it out en masse without undue attention. We need the black market and a bag of holding, all of our money is gone from plot, all we have is the contraband.

So considering this catch 22, Jack offers to simply steal the bag, living hand to mouth and all. Hobbit allows this with a simple 'don't get caught.' Not a problem for a beguiler who's been skill monkeying. So we(Myself and Gf) go to a bag of holding shop (why?) and have a basic kansas shuffle. GF acts suspicious as fuck while I do the actual stealing. Now in order to ensure a hasty getaway, I have some disguise spells dropped and have decided to pop a lesser used racial feature; having rabbit's speed in humanoid form at the cost of looking like a monster. But I am disguised as someone totally different (with the duke's emblem of course.) So I make the first move in this waltz of bullshit. DM rolls sleight and spot behind his screen and cries out "CRITICAL SPOT! Your ass is grass." Shopkeeper than whips out OP blunderbuss and fires. Does Shopkeep have quickdraw? fuck if I know. However, I do demand to hold up the potato sack sized BoH as a shield, since I was holding that shit already to hide stealing the smaller one. DM allows it with an "Oh shit son that shit tears and starts to black hole your ass."

>bags of holding can withstand a dragon's breath, but not some rusty ass blunderbuss.
I still remember my first character, my first shit DM, and my first DM-fiat death.
It wasn't hard to remember, being all in one night after all.
Oh she was annoyed, but we laughed it off later over hard liquor considering how things went the rest of the session and started working on a campaign of our own to coup his ass, since she's always wanted to DM.
Damn dude, I can share storytime if you'd like.

So then, I call him out on this obvious attempt to annihilate me. And he simple responds with a 'not in my world, you have 3 seconds." Taking this bullshit grace for what it is, I tell GF to haul ass and follow suit, we both have racial speed buffs and retreat speed should get us the fuck of range. Well, DM tried to argue some 'collective bag range' shit, but it didn't fly through application of basic physics. (One sucking hole may suck less than many sucking holes but will never suck as hard as you.) Besides, I still achieved my mission, bag already in hand when he fired. So all is well in jack land. And then the wanted posters started showing up.

Perfect recollection, only jack, not gf. Inspite of dual disguises (monster rabbit then magic) they got me. "How" I'm forced to ask, because there is no point in beguiler magic or shapeshifting if townsfolk can just know. "Was some fucking paladin trolling around before the explosion, because all possible witnesses not hauling ass should be in bag land by now."

Nope, it's a hair more out of his ass than that. Remember GMPC, well apparently he has been promoted to head of the watch in the area and 'knew the rabbits MO." Granted, Jack tends to react to heavy shit by blowing it up, but as far as GMPC knows, that man is dead. So, all things considered, DM goes for it anyway. Along with this GMPC knows the rest of the party is in town and invades the boat, having access to the register of the boats docked and all apparently. And here is where the DM pulls his most assholish cunning.

>I found your contraband. If I don't get that fucking rabbit I will hang you all. You have till tomorrow.
Please tell me that at least one point someone sang "Kiww the wabbit!". Pls.
Jesus did actually.

Fast forward some, and now truenamer has captured me with truename something, and asks for one reason that I should be allowed to live, considering all I had put them through. Brony was chill and offered to take an enchanted item that could house jack's soul we had found a while back so I could keep playing. Jesus is not happy, and GF is considering a cut and run. All in all, Jack seems pretty fucked. So I figure now is as good a time for a speech as any:

>Friends, where you ask for one reason and I refuse to count. You were the first mates I had seen since I reached this land, you had taken me in like family and in turn I had saved you more times than I had my own true family. With you I had learned of Gods and wicked men who may be badgers. With you I had found something I had not had since I was a wee boy. With you all I can truly live.

>Yes, I have lied to you. Yes, I have killed people and done stupid things, but in every instance of this I had saved us, every instance was to our better, I am good luck you know. Come hell or bondage or stews, I will always consider you friends worthy of trust. Now trust me when I say this; I Can Fix This and I Can Stop That God Damned Badger

Party was moved, Hobbit wasn't. However, mutual consensus won and Jack was given one last shot to save their skins, under the caveat that he wear a ring of telepathy bought with the contraband money so they could drag his ass in if he fucked up.

Now we shall see why you don't pull this shit on your too clever players.
So then, Jack free to do as Jack does, decides that he is going to go out in style. He contacts gf in private, since she seems the most trustworthy by din of not dragging his ass in. He gives her basic instructions to distract hobbit and meet him in the town square while he sets up his 'fix it' strategy. One person he had always had a disdain for was the door guard from the dukes daughter incident. Of all people, he should have known enough to know bullshit when he saw it. Well, he's in town and the rabbit needs a stoogy. One sleep spell later he has what he wants.

He takes the man and puts him in Jack's clothes, tying him up and cherry tapping him to negative HP, knocking his ass out to slip that damnedable ring on him. Then, he glamours the stupid guard to look just like Jack should. See the plan yet? He then meets up with gf and takes rabbit form, stowing away in her pack. Guard still glamoured, they tie bombs to his face and chest and throw him into public, in full view of GMPC. "Here's your fucking rabbit." and with that the man blew the fuck up.

>I know he's not dead, the illusion shatters.
>After the explosion, when there is nothing identifiable left, no point questioning gibblets.
>But I know he's an illusionist!
>Never used illusions till this session.
>Fuck, well Hobbit knows what you pulled and is already leaving port.
Hobbit agrees, effectively ditching gf and me from the game. But wait, the tale is not over yet!
Should I new thread? That scroll bar is looking ominously tiny and I have a ways to go.
Honestly you probably should. You could copypaste the thing as it stands if you want, plus you'd get a fresh new thread to fill out the rest of this glory as needed.
sounds like an idea.
Also, someone should screencap this so that I can show off the Tale of Cap'n Jack to my friends.
I would, but I'm busy watching Trigun
the new thread, I'm starting from the top but posting should be quick.

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