Hey /tg/, I had a bit of a wild night. It's actually a culmination of a few years of events, really. >back in grade school, used to have this cute best friend who was a girl>we hung out and did everything together>in middle school she was shy with other boys but was always happy to hang out with me>eventually she hit puberty and ended up being beautiful in a nerdy sort of way>we'd read books together and talk about videogames and played DnD>in highschool we're still close, so I thought I'd ask her out since I was developing feelings>the same day, this transfer student comes in, she's a pureblood vampire>thin, porcelain skin, red eyes, hates sunlight, model student>she instantly hits up a friendship with the girl I love>suddenly my crush isn't hanging out with me anymore>see less and less of her, and when I do she's always with the vampire girl>one day I've had enough, call her and tell her that I haven't seen her often and that I miss her>she says that she's sad she and I drifted away, and that she wants to hang out again>suggest we both go to a movie>she turns up with the vampire girl>they're holding hands>hold my tongue and try to ignore it throughout the film >suddenly realize she's asleep on the vampire's shoulder>vampire just looks at me as the credits role, gives me a look of empathy (ironic with those red glowy eyes) and says "I'm sorry">next day my crush comes to school with pale skin and red eyes and is making out with the vampire girl outside class>I give up and get some booze from my dad's cooler after I get home>wander about town getting drunk>fall asleep under what I thought was a tree and wake up at 4 in the morning(con't)
>>23732910>a willowy, green-skinned dryad is resting my head on her lap>explains that I had spilled the entire story to her last night>she starts stroking my hair, she's cute so I don't resist>we quietly watch the sunrise together>she decides to follow me home to make sure I'm okay>make her some pancakes>she then falls over and tells me that she stayed up all night to make sure I didn't hurt myself or choke on vomit or anything>I carry her to my room, and open the window so she can rest and get some sunlight at the same time>I call in sick and play some videogames>around 10AM my former crush shows up, says she was worried I didn't turn up at school>explain that I got drunk and needed to sleep off the hangover but she gets concerned about that>suddenly she looks through my open window and says that I shouldn't lie to her>tell her that I met the dryad last night and that I wanted to return the favour>she asks me if I was upset she turned>I say yes and tell her I liked her for a long time>she apologizes and says that she knew, but she was always interested in girls, especially vampires>I just shrug and say that maybe I'll make her jealous of my new girlfriend>We both laugh and she goes home with a UV umbrella>check on the dryad>her eyes are open, she heard the whole thing>she says she's happy she's suddenly got a boyfriend all of a sudden>want to die>she says she likes me too and thinks we should start dating>manage a "I-i like you too" and flee to the kitchenSo yeah. She's still on my bed, apparently asleep, and I spent half an hour making a sandwich. Any of you guys had experience with dating non-humans?
>>23732914so why didn't you try to get into a 3 way relationship with the vamp girls
Your course of action is obvious. You kill the abominations.
>>23732914Get the Dryad to make you some nice stakes.You know what to do next.
>being a wizardHahaha! I laugh at you.
>>23732947His friend was a lesbian.>>23732964Stakes of living wood ARE the best for vampire slaying.
>>23732914Dude DudeI once dated a golem. Does that count?
>>23732979so he should have turned her bi
>>23732910ITT: shitty wish fulfillment fantasies of sweaty nerds.
>>23733025Why do they have to be sweaty?
>>23733025ITT: people role playing? Let people have there fun.It's not hurting anyone.
>>23733010I don't recall OP saying he was a wizard.
I hope you're into plant girls son, because dryads fuck like tigers. You will like her, just give her a chance.
Yeah, dated a fae once...well at least I think I didnever learned how to pronounce her name rightthe best I could do sounded a bit like a bird songfunny thing bout her was that she never chose a height to stay at, one day she towered over me, the next she was barely half my heightShe lived in the forest, she changed with the seasonsin the spring, she was happy and caring, and sang songs about butterfly knights and toad kingsin the heat of the summer she was fiery and a bit aggressive, she sang ballads of passion and braveryin the fall, she grew morose and sad,and sang of the end of thingsIt was a bit strange at first, but I still visited her everydayI tried to get her to come to the city, she actually did once, but it made her illvery illand thenthe winter cameand I came looking for my love in the cold snow filled woodsshe was there, in the clearing where she always was when I came a lookingbut she didn't sing, just sat there glaring at me with eyes colder than IceI can't quite remember what happened after thatbut all I know is she hasn't let me go back to the city sinceI no longer need to eat, the sun gives me nourishment and lifeMy skin is bark, my teeth stone, my hair rootsmy name is lost to me now. I don't know what to call myself anymore, but there are creatures like me all around her gardenshe still sings, but only to me, she commands the othersthe rabbit and the gnome are planning to escape. should I tell her, keep quite, or follow them?
>>23733071>best answer in the entire thread.
>>23732914Stop being spaghetti and go for girl that's clearly interested in you. Also, don't go hard on your friend. You just weren't meant to be, but you still had lots of good time together. If her girlfriend's a dick then just ignore the bitch.
It'll be fine. Just watch out for splinters.
>>23733075Chance of splinters? Dated a mushroom lass once, took me ages to get rid of the thrush afterwards.
>>23733103Run like a Sam Fischer.
>Vampire shows up at your school.>Your crush willingly turns.>You DON'T immediately purge the unholy filth from the mortal plane like a true warrior of light.It's like you're not even tryin to be a paladin dawg.
>>23733071>wizardHe would need to be a cleric or a paladin for that feat.>turn undead
>>23732914Cap her ass like a boss OPcaptcha:hebrew
>>23733150or a necromancer>turn on undead
Give her the Light.
>>23732964Hey man, there's Anti-defamatory laws you know.>>23732980How did it go?>>23733075She's very nice, I'll see how it goes.>>23733120Yeah it's cool, I think the pancakes helped me relax a bit.>>23733128>>23733129She seems to be mostly of the leafy texture, and it's clear she polishes her wood-bits. But hey, I want to take this one step at a time.>>23733136I heard a group of self-proclaimed "paladins" got arrested last week for trying to firebomb an artificial blood seller. Vampires (and leech people) need that shit to live, it's not cool.
>>2373313shit manI just overheard her talking to a hag who's right side was a crowapparently from what I heard she plans to "gift" me to some kinda of baronalong with her favorite song bird and the flower she makes me prune everyday. I am getting the hell out of here, she's been using me just so she can get in good with some other man....or whatever the hell he is. maybe if I leave those two to their fates, she won't notice me showing the rabbit and doll the hole in the wall that leads to endless brambles and thorns.maybe I'm just overreactingshe wouldn't do that to meexcept she wouldshe has no heart she told me this when she dragged me through the brambles and thornsshe taunted mefuck this bitchI am taking as many of my fellow prisoners as I can The rabbit has the keys to the chains that keep me from running, I just need to tell him I'll helpand I can be free from herhow long have I been herehave I always had this beardI can't remembershe stole my life from meit hurts
I'll have what OP's smoking.
>>23733260If he is a smart man, its dryad pubes. Nothing gets you higher than Dryad Bush. Best perk of dating one if you ask me. She shaves regularly and I don't have to bother with a dealer anymore, its a win all around.
>>23733237ooc:True Blood too much ?
>>23733290Should I even bother telling you what's in a dryad's pubes?I'll give you a hint: If it's crystally it's probably your own dried cum.
It's simple, kill the vamp girls.
>>23733321Kill them all, Johnny.
>>23733321yeah but then you have half the bloody town just wanting to tear your neck off and wear it like jockstrap
>>23732914I dated a werewolf once. We broke up when her dad tried to rip my leg off and beat me to death with it. Also, last full moon I tried to eat a bunch of raw meat. Should I be worried?
>>23733331>letting a vampire turn half the town before you kill itWell thats just sloppy
I once dated a harpy.Pretty nice, she was very energetic.
>>23733386nojust stay away from churches, silver, wolvesbane, pallitards,those vampiric cults,the fae, virgins during the Autumn months, and goats
>>23733308>fuck bitches>smoke trees>get moneyNot much more to it than that.>>23733311>Dating a dryad who doesn't batheHow you managed that is beyond me since those twiggas love water.
>>23733386Do it like Kurt Cobain.
>>23733392well the ogre mafia in my town protects any undead from pallitardssaw them rip one's head out his assnot even jokingshit was brutal
>>23733407Hey, twigga is OUR word meat sack.
man, my cousin swears by non solidswon't fuck anything elseghostssaw him getting a spectral blowjob, at said ghost funeralslimesyou know how hard it is to eat when you see your cousins latest conquest filled with his seedI am honestly thinking about selling the bastard to the redneck ogre that owns our appartment
>>23733173>Actual best answer in this entire thread.
>>23733422>>23733422THAT IS OUR WORD YOU TWIGGA
>>23733237> How did it go?It was nice. She was a golem, so we couldn't go to restaurants, but she did like to do things like going to museums. I didn't had much problem with the dust, but never, never ask a girl that is made from stone about her Weight. So it wasn't bad. Until she left me for a dwarf.
>>23733414I had a similar experience.Expect it was a she, and the ass my dick, and the head was my cum... and virginity for that matter.
It almost feels like, fantasy elements aside, this situation has actually happened to you. In which case you have my sympathies, but the important thing to do is accept it and move past it. And if you can't bear it, then just cut contact with her. It's only hard for the first couple of months.Now, shifting to the RP tone of the thread, you should give that undead abomination the holy fire.
>>23733483I'm guessing you couldn't walk for awhile?
>>23733516I just realized the holy fire could be a way to say the dick
>>23733483Wait... so... you saw an ogre rip cum out of HER dick virginity?
>>23733519Peeing wasn't much of a joyride either.I'm still sad I never got her number.
>>23733544just walk nude through the ogre part of townshe'll come
>>23733536>Expect it was a she, and the ass my dick>and the ass my dick>my dick
fucking pallitards manever play those shitty parody games they make?
I dated a shardmind once.There were no orifices I had to drill a hole into "her" literally and cover the entrance with insulation foam to prevent chafing. Can't believe "she" agreed to it at all. And contrary to popular belief not all shardminds are covered in jagged spikes, the one I dated was made of smoothed marble. Yeah we eventually broke up, we were just too different in personality and species to take our relationship one step further. "She" really didn't mind, and eventually plastered up the hole.
I usually hat these modern fantasywaifu threads but that at least approached something resembling a storyline. good job, i guess.
>>23733422Dont be hatin, grasshole.
>>23733422My food eats you, so shut it.
>>23733661and damn near everything eats you
>>23733136>paladin>not being a tolerant pillar of the communityIt's like you don't even know what paladin means.
>>23733716I knowfucking pallitards
>>23733481I guess that dwarf was better at exploring her crevices than you. Tough break man, you'll find someone better.I hear lamia are really nice and that the sex is wild.
>>23733762just be carefulthey can be venomous
>>23733559Yeah, but will she APPROACH him?
>>23733559Unfortunately I'm not the one who decides when and when not we're monogamous in this relationship.>>23733571Well Pallies are often assholes, but the Law and Order thing makes it so that they rarely are the ones behind any hate-crimes, it's mostly just some random gang of speciesists.
>>23733762Also make sure your safety word is clear and is a hand or touching gesture, people die from suffocation during lamia sex.
>>23733782that blowsandthat is usually what happensexcept when their god hates undead
>>23733807>not wearing a oxygen tank designed just for that purpose
>>23733828Oxygen masks makes oral a finicky and awkward affair.
>>23733807>>23733828>not having sufficient muscle mass to not be crushed like a twigdo you even elemental plane of lift
>>23733847>not using the newest Imask with life like tongue attachment
>>23733809Well, it's more of the not kind, but trust me, there is nothing better than having her coming home angry after some meeting with an asshole client and literally dragging you off into the bedroom.So yes, there is a lot of blowing.
>>23733881Yeah because I enjoy buying overpriced plastic.>>23733858A lamia can apply so much constrictive pressure from every direction, it can collapse your wind pipe. No amount muscle mass and strength potions are going to save you.
>>23733751Yeah, I know.Father Justin is the local paladin in my city. Man, you do some pallitard shit and he finds out about it... he doesn't even yell. He just looks at you like you are such a disappointment. It's so damn effective.
>>23733902yeahbut then you can't walk for like a week
>>23733933yeahbut then their are those anti paladinsthey can be funyou knowwhen they aren't being massive dicks
>>23733934Mutharfucking cleric man!A few cures and you can pull it down to just an evening.>>23733952The ironic thing is that you never know which one is going to be a bro or not. Know one who worships Kaibri and he was awesome (expect that he always managed to steer a conversation to which state of decay was the tastiest), while a Kuthonite I met in uni was a massive drama-queen.
>>23734057ayeand he sounds awesome
I dated a Velociraptor once.It didn't work out. She was super into biting and scratching, but it just didn't do it for me. I'm more of the cuddly, tender type.
>>23734076>I'm more of the cuddly, tender type.try a dolphin, they love cuddling after
>>23734129The problem is that it's hard to say which part was the most horrifying.
>>23734105>>23734076Oh my, how human.This could sum up humanity, yeah.
>>23733933Tough deal man. You caught one of those Arthas types. Now he may look like a paladin and cast all those light show spells, next day he's showing up with a host of acolytes and ghouls ready to tear your face off in the name of the scourge. And the lich king. And the burning legion.
>>23734641AND THE DEVIL
>>23733933..cont'd>>23734641Best thing to do is to pack your stuff, get the fuck away with the dryad, and tell some real paladins about this.(OOC: hey, how about you tell us the numbers (maffia, vampires, paladins who'd rip the shit out of undead, clerics who haven't lost their faith, etc) and we organize a culling part to kill EVERY FUCKING VAMPIRE)
>>23734685but that racist
>>23734696they were already dead. We're doing them a great service by easing their passing into afterlife. We're also saving those who are still alive.And it's not racism. Undead are not a race. They are an infestation to be cured, lest they spread and infect us all.
>>23734724fucking pallitardsworse than those high elf facists
>>23733762I'm not really into the whole "half and half" thing. Besides, I think that I will try a human now. Or a elf, to get revenge.
>>23734746do you even dwarf
Oh man, this reminds me of a story>Be 14 year old goody two shoes>Walking home from school>This pale ass chick hiding under a bus stop thing>She's got tits like whoa>"Hey kid, come over here, I need to ask you something.""I probably shouldn't talk to strangers">"Get over here, kid, I got something to show you""But I thought you said you had to ask me something">She's getting pissed>"Kid, get your ass over here!">She sticks her hand out to point at me>She burns her hand>I run over"Oh no, are you ok?">She grabs my head>Slams it between her breasts>Like whoa>Pass out>Wake up>I'm a vampire now>In some crappy basement>The pale chick and her vampire buddies are drinking a big tub full of blood>Ask them what they want with me>"We only wanted the blood, kid. Just go away now.">Well I'm a little bit pissed now. It's nighttime outside, I haven't finished my homework, my mom is going to flip because not only am I late, but am also a vampire>Decide it's time for some payback>The vamps are lapping up the blood in the tub like dogs>Go over to the tub and drop my pants>They don't notice, don't care>Take a huge shit in the tub>They keep drinking until one of them sees my stool>They just look up at me, dumb struck>I go home
>>23734807>vampire chick lets you moterboat her breasts>she gives you the gift of the vampire>you reward her by crapping in her drinkWho's the real dick here?
>>23734738THE FUCK?! Some asshole just comes into my city, puts on a glamor spell, and wrecks a relationship that's been brewing for years, and I'm SUPPOSED to overlook the option that the bitch just mind controlled OP's girlfriend? Gf was interested in OP, she didn't show noticeable attraction to other females, it was only after the vampire's arrival that she started to go bonkers.Oh wait, hate crimes. THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING? These assholes leech on us, feed on us, and turn us into more of them. How can I think of them in any other way that they are: an infestation to be cured?
I used to date a vampire for a while. She was always hungry. Said something about how tasty I was; probably because of the whole Fae Heritage thing. Said my blood was effervescent and fizzy, and some times, she had to share me with her friends.Not that I remember much. I think I spent like a full year just sort of in this daze due to being kept on the edge of death, with the occasional lull. I remember them being pretty nice to me, always making sure I had fine food to eat, good stuff to drink. Eventually, this old friend of mine from back in the day, who went on to become a Cleric of Ilmater, found out what was going on, stepped in. Worked out some deals (and I remember telling him Diplomacy was a useless skill; I'm eating those words now).So now, there are three vampire girls, and each one of them gets me in alternating months, so I'm not constantly about to die. Which is pretty damn awesome. Plus, been chilling with my bro, he's cool. Always makes the gals nervous, though. But hey, it's all working out.
>>23734903Dude, just kill the ones that are sociopaths, and leave the normal ones alone. They're like humans, pretty much. Some are good, some are bad, and some just need to die.
>>23733103RUN, BITCH, RUNIf you escape>Find a place to hide or live>If you start feeling sick, head to the nearest garden or park>Try to find a disguise. Human mask, human suit, ect.>Research how to turn yourself back into a human.If she catches you>tell her it wasn't right for her to change who you were, just as it was wrong for you to take her to the city and make her sick>Tell her that despite whatever love you have for each other, remaining who you are is best for both of you>Say you should probably see other people
>>23734903>someone has cancer>kill them to cure themit's people like you that make the rest of the paladins look bad
>>23734807I have a story for you>Be 145 year old dwarf taking classes in human college>walking back to my dorm at night, bitches be getting bit left and right>Damn vampires have turned most of the school>don't give a shit, at least they leave me alone>get to windowless room, as my dumbass roommate got himself bit and raped a few weeks ago>he's currently watching his baby videos sobbing while drinking diabetic blood>what a faggot>get on my laptop to visit the human website 4chan, >/tg/ to be specific, its funny when the pallitards argue with the corpsefuckers>hours later>screaming>alarms>Oh shit building on fire>faggot roomate on fire weeping in corner>SHEEEEEEEET>dumbass doorforged won't let me out of the building>fucking burning blood suckers everywhere>manage to get to the roof, kicking a burning sparkle faggot off my leg>holy shit>the handful of non turned students are up here>turns out some pallitards firebombed the entire school>a small war is going on under us>Wizard bro teacher set up a magical barrier to stop us from burning>he summons several large kegs of booze>spend night up there with living bros getting drunk as fuck yelling at the burning fuckers trying to get us to help us>Pallitards trying to get us to let them in so they can go in the burning building to kill the vampires>tell both parties to fuck a mule>eventually police come in riding dragons>Pallitards run off>water elementals summoned to put out the fires>dorm repaired>crispy faggot of a roomate still fucking sobbing in the corner >use him as a table for a few days before the undead help group comes into force some blood down his throat>still won't stop angsting about how he's a monster>Pallitards keep trying to get me to join their cultfucking Pallitards and blooodsuckers
>Dad is a vampire hunter>Mom is a human elitist>My girlfriend is a weeabo autistic chick who think's she's a wolf vampirewat do guys
>>23734966You are into some kinky shit
>>23735032>Kill girlfriend.Problem solved.
>>23735008wowyou know those are all good optionsalso that fucking rabbit hasn't got back with the keys letand it turns out she was talking about another creature when she was talking to the hagseeing as said creature just found out and tried to run with the bird and the flowerI don't even fucking know anymore maybe its some kinda test or something
>>23735032give your GF to a pallitard
>>23734738You know what? You win! I'll go over and talk to her (full enchanted plate, selective antimagic field up). If I was right however. No amount of sorryness will save her from a holy avenger's gentle touch!
>>23735024>building on fire>goes to the roof10/10 for accurate portrayal of college logic
>>23735060Your mind is being altered by your new state. Escape is key here, not just to turn you human again, but to keep your mind sain. If the bitch catches you, use this, tell her how awful it is not thinking like a human anymore, how you want to be who you are, not what she wants you to be.
>>23735036Yeah, I am. I'm a Warlock, though, what do you expect?
>>23735060How the fuck are you accessing the internet?
>>23735121my mind is both full of fuck and bumble beeswhere the fuck is that rabbitI swear to god if she doesn't catch usI'm going to kick his white ass once we get out
>>23735024I don't really know where I side on the palitard versus bloodsuckers.On one hand, I'm pissed as fuck about being trapped in a 14 year old's body for 7 years now, now knowing all of the staff in the blood bank on a first name basis.On the other hand, I don't want to die either.
>>23735146through the back of a fat mechanical bastard who fell asleep by where she keeps mehe has excellent wifi
>>23735146apple's iphone internet is pretty good now a days, I here
>>23735166they can both be dicksI mean I wouldn't feel bad if my roommate got staked
>>23735005Hope you don't mind if I go into EXTENSIVE questioning to make sure nobody suffers from magma-related unfortunate accidents.
are we gonna archive this at anypoint?also I've been thinking about how fun it would be to play a game set in this little world we have spun
>>23732964Finally a sensible person.OP, your girlfriend doesn't have an "interest in vampires". She got seduced, brainwashed, ENSLAVED, AND ULTIMATELY DAMNED by that beast, and you did NOTHING to stop it.Your only course of action now is to seek bloody redemption.
>>23732914I have really bad news for you, man. It's a guy wearing a Guise of the Thespian. I was dating this amazing chick for a month, and she revealed herself to be FUTURE ME. When I asked him WHY, he said:> "Oh, I thought it was time for us to get laid."So I said:> "But...But you're a Wizard!"And he says:> "I know, you'd think that would help."He did leave me the Guise, though. I'm afraid to touch it.
>>23735237don itlearn magicgo back in timedate selfgive guise to younger selfbounce to fuck older self
>>23735166Your story reminds me of something I experienced once>Be a tweenage girlDON'T HIT ON MY, YOU SILLY BOYS>Meet a vamp kid my age>Start dating>One night, he pops the question>If he can turn me>Think about it for a bit>Tell him no, because I don't want to be trapped as a little kid forever (sorry about your situation, Anon)>Vamp says ok, we brake up>Be 21 now>Want to be a vampire so I can be 21 forever>In the mall>See the vampire kid from before>We make eye contact>He can tell what I want>He flips me off and walks away
>>23733052They don't have to be, they just get that way around girls.
>>23735229>Finally a sensible person.OP, your girlfriend doesn't have an "interest in vampires". She got seduced, brainwashed, ENSLAVED, AND ULTIMATELY DAMNED by that beast, and you did NOTHING to stop it.Your only course of action now is to seek bloody redemption.Wait, wait, don't be hasty. I may be a Pallitard, but even I have a code of conduct to uphold. OP! Did your girlfriend play as vampire character? Did you help her live out such a fantasy in D&D?If his GF didn't have such interests, and instead had a normal development, then yes, she's been seduced and preyed on by the pale motherfucker.(OP, would you help me go through the talks with the one who took your GF?)
>>23735258I guess it's not THAT weird to be a pedo if you're stuck looking like a 13 year old forever.
>>23735256I know. My choices are kind of limited:Go back in time to fuck myself, or risk causing a time paradox. I'm scared, /tg/. I need someone to hold me, no homo.
>>23732910Clearly, you must become a vampire hunter.I know a guy.
>>23735166Lich necromancer arcanotechnician here, palitards and the bloodsuckers can all die and burn in the infinity inferno planes for all I care.I can't tell you how many times palitards have vandalized my house and burned effigies of their gods in front of my lawn because their dickass fraternity leaders suddenly popped a crusade boner, nor the numerous instances these fucking bloodsucking hipsters having the audacity to say into my skull, they understand necromancy better then me, because they just turned their highschool or community college fuckbuddies into a vampire.Fucking kids these days.
>>23735347Don't listen to him! Keldorn's your man.
I have another story for ya>a few months after Pallitard incident>Faggot roommate managed to stop being a bitch and turn a whore>he's happy now>leaving only me and about five non vampire students in school>halloween night>me and the living go to wizard bro's class to avoid mass amounts of leeches>holy fuck>the old bastard has some high grade dryad pubes>get so high the walls literally start talking>aah shit>one of my fellow warmys is freaking out>Starts ranting bout the plague of undeath that has infected our school>yeah whatever>keeps ranting while the rest of us pay no attention besides nodding to try and make him shut up>pulls a fucking stake out of his jacket>Oh shit>to lazy and stoned to stop him>pass out >next day>wake up in dorm with a harpy clinging to me>face and beard covered in mud>what the fuck happened>see roommate>sobbing again>kick him>ask him why he is a bitch again>turns out the ranter went full Pallitard>started staking bitches left and right>including roommates whore>laugh at him and use him as a footstool once more
>>23734854Don't vampires have like, no sex drive?I don't think it's fair to not get full closure after motorboating.
>>23735258>/tg/>Doesn't want to be a little girl forever
You bitches don't know nothing about suffering.I dated a child of madness.And you want to know what happened?I'm currently speaking to you all through the asshole of an neo nazi elephant while this fucking song emits from my calves for all eternity, while I float around in some sort of etheral plane made 98% trumpets here's the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=16Vsz26yLx4
MFW i'm a half elf living in a woodland village far from necros, leeches and paladon'ts
>>23735485Oh, and you want to know what the other 2% is?Me and the cow!
>>23734854>makes you 14 foreverSounds like a real fucking gift.
>>23735485suddenly I am fine being trapped with my fae maiden forever
>>23735504No wait...it's an elephant...it changes some times
>That feel when vampires don't want to drink you.Feels sad, man.
>>23735518have you tired eating it with your ear
>>23732910You know, the last time that happened, I woke up covered in blood. Like, literally, I'm talking wall-to-wall abbatoir here. And that's how I found out I was a Frenzied Berserker. Turns out I'm not too good at parties.
>>23735514>>23735448Still not right to take a crap in their blood bowl.They probably still were in a blood drinking frenzy. They probably still drank that shit!
>>23732914>she apologizes and says that she knew, but she was always interested in girls, especially vampiresAh, dude, that's awful.I feel for you, man, I really do.Still, at least something good came out it, right?Best of luck for you and your new gf. Be good to her!
>>23735517When you say trapped does she actually give a crap about you or are you just as enslaved as the rest of them. also id look to see if your tranformation has awakened any raw magical talent? similar thing happened to a friend and now hes on the way to becoming a high sorcerer. This was the kid in my class who couldn't turn milk sour.Chances are you'll find an affinity for emotion based elementalism based on the criteria for your changing.
>>23735580>>she apologizes and says that she knew, but she was always interested in girls, especially vampiresFools! She is not "interested"! She is charmed, brainwashed, possibly beyond redemption already. How could you be so naive?
>the same day, this transfer student comes in, she's a pureblood vampirestopped reading there.
>>23735499Fucking hippies. Learn to face your problems head on, don't just run away like a little bitch.
>>23735594she just kinda keeps me chained heresings to meshe chained me when she caught me talking to a woman in a treewho she had crafted into a chairhaven't really triedif that damn rabbit doesn't get here soon I swear to god I'm going to try and set him on fire with my mind
should we archive this at any point?
>>23733516I'm pretty sure that in this setting, paladins=terrorists. Plus, techically there can be undead that aren't evil. Sounds like the camp in the story is CN. Hell, she even apologized for turning the girl.
>>23735655Naah, paladins are LG in a world where supernatural evil =/= actual evil. It's like, this is a den of scum and villainy. But in practice it'snot actually that bad. wat do?
>>23735633If it helps i'm currently studying magical theory.Just try looking within and see if you feel ummm connected magicaly or ethereally
>>23735669aaawwwwwwnow I'm sad
>>23735566Well no, I didn't, but now that you say that, I'm tempted to.
>>23735655>campGod I'm retarded, vamp*
>>23735655Na, paladins aren't bad, per se. However, a vocal minority is rather violent. They have been dubbed "pallitards".
>>23735415Maan. That was some serious shit. Bad for your roommate though lmao. Pallitards these days. (notices himself in full plate and sheated longsword)Okay don't start judging me. I was a pallitard once, true,... NO! Don't run away! I don't stake people. The gall... D'you think I cary this longsword for fun? NO! It's because it's a holy weapon. Clean, doesn't cause too much suffering, unless you're a traitor to my order, because then it is my duty to bring you to a painful end. Nonetheless, I don't seek to kill all of you, unless you force my hand.But... there's a story behind why I'm not the pallitard I was in my burning teens. Would you fancy hearing it's tale?
>>23735678I hear all the songs she has sung to me
>>23735360Larry? Larry, is that you?Oh man, I haven't seen you in a while. Sorry about the 'paladins' around here, I've been out of the country trying to put out fires all over Europe for a while. How hard is it to understand that 'Peace, Love, and Compassion' MEANS peace, love, and compassion? I don't even know how they keep mixing it up. By the way, if you have any friends in Spain you should tell them to get out. Some fucks thought it'd be hilarious to start up the Inquisition again.Shit, it's going to take me weeks to deal with these fuckers.
>>23735707surejust watch out for my roommayemay try to off himself
>>23735699Which makes me wonder. Does that mean, that at some point, the real paladins will need to go on crusade against the palitards, as they're the single greatest evil now?I can see it now, actual devoted paladins cutting down phi-alpha-fuckheads with molotovs and cardboard beerhat armor. it'll be great.
>>23735708How do they feel? and those feelings are they yours? or do other feelings lie behind them that feel lets say "truer"
>>23735485>Be in collage>Dating a solid 8.5/10>She's smart, funny>Think nothing can go wrong>Then she tells me she's going to become a child of madness>Don't really know what that means>She says she's going to experience a bliss beyond comprehension >Think she means drugs>I smoke DP, so I'm fine with it>Go to bed>Wake up to the sound of screaming>Find my gf in the bathroom>She has two daggers and she's hovering them dangerously close to her nipples>Pull her arms away from herself>Ask her what she's doing>Suddenly, hair starts growing from her nipples>In a matter of seconds, it has already reached the floor>She breaks my grip and starts cutting at the hair>"I NEED TO SHAVE THE NIPPLES"She's still in the bathroom trying to shave her infinitely hair growing nipples She's buff as fuck nowwhat the fuck is a child of madness?Am I going to be trapped in the trumpet dimension?
>>23735730I feelAngercontent happysadwarmcoldrelief burningI can't tell
>>23735748I don't know, I'm guessing some lovecraftian cult
>>23734267Oh really? What "high and might" race are you then? You are probably worset than us, at least we don't engage in The Ultimate Perversion lik some races do.
>>23735727It would be gloriousimaginecries of"SMITE EVIL"and"BEGONE LEECH FUCKERS, WE ARE TRUE PALADINS"
>>23735646I wouldn't. OP clearly was just telling a fantasized version of the truth about how his crush was a lesbian and he's passive aggressively butthurt about that and wanted comfort, but /tg/, being the awesome people they are, instead ignored the fuck out of him and made its own setting.Whiny bitches don't get archive.
>Be from Denmark>Move to USA because my parents are lawyers and apparently lawyers make a ton of money in the sates.>Start in American high school.>Not used to non-humans because the last Danish non-human was burned to death under Christian IV and the last ice giant died a thousand years ago.>Used to be really open and outgoing, but is now shy and uncomfortable because I am unused to non-humans.>One day this harpy girl comes up to me.>Says she was sitting behind me in class and saw me draw (hurray for not being able to concentrate in math class)>She says she likes my drawings but they are too abstract for her tastes.>We start to discuss art.>Move on to other topics.>We are now best friends.>I think I'm starting to fall in love with her.
>>23735821yeahbut the setting we made deserves it
>>23735821Aren't all thread archived now, though?
>>23735727>>23735819Why does everything have to involve killing?The 'paladins' who kill the most are the ones that everyone hates! True paladins go for the word before the sword. Clearly we need to get into the world more to prove that the crazies are the exception and not the example.
>>23735788Find the strongest of those, chances are your under a charm. The songs are likley the source. A bards spells usually wear off shortly after the music finishes. some bardic magic can last long periods of time however if the music is heard regularly. its how the filate rebelion won despite their small numbers. anyway your regular exposure to the songs is keeping that charm active.Try your anger, focus on it understand it, embody it, try to manifest it outside of yourself.corellion be with you
Paladin?I'm waiting for your tale
>>23735824>dating harpiesNONO SON, NOIt's a trap, it's always a trap.In both ways...she's a trap in both ways.I'm saying not only is she going to kill you, she's also a man
>>23735845they are all mixed upmy head feels like a beehive when I try to focus
>>23735864They can't ALL be men or else they couldn't breed.Just because you had a bad experience doesn't mean EVERYONE will.
>>23735866Tell the bees that they need to leave and pollinate.Bees are weak willed when it comes to hearing a voice of nature.
>>23735866What he said.
>>23735878I'm an undercover paladin, I go to highschools and trick harpies into dates. I've done it three different times now.They all tried to kill me, and they all had a penis.
>>23735883MY STONE TEETH HURTOH GOD WITHOUT THE BEES ITS A MILLION TIMES WORSEIT FEELS LIKE I'M ABOUT TO SHOOT FIRE FROM MY EYES
>>23735903>>23735903cause they can sense pallitards
>>23735903Only three? Really?Were they three DIFFERENT places or were you in the same general area?
>>23735398Keldorn's a cool guy, but I wouldn't go to him with relationship problems.
>>23735909Quickly, use the pain, channel it, contact the nearest emotion and role with it
>>23735909Good. let the hate flow through you.
>>23735924Different placesCops and schoolboards don't take kindly to people killing their students
>>23735941>>23735936welpI don't know what happenedbut there are now flowers and fire everywhere
>>23735597>Fools! She is not "interested"! She is charmed, brainwashed, possibly beyond redemption already.>How could you be so naive?take that shit back to /pol/, asshole
>>23735949ARE YOU THE FUCKER WHO KILLED MY HARPY POETRY TEACHER YOU FUCKERNOW I HAVE a PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE PALLITARD FOR A TEACHER
>>23735963Quickly, now focus on the flowers, and direct them towards you, under the chains.Then create a fuck tone more flowers until the force of the flowers propels you upwards, out of the chains.
>>23735963~do you believe in magic~Also welcome to the dark side
>>23735903"Undercover Paladins?" Dude, what is this the 90's? Are there still morons trying to play hero, while looking at least 10 years too old.
>>23735979SO MANY FUCKING FLOWERSOH GOD
>Have this friend guys my blood in all but name>Gunsmith extremely skilled one but refuses to sell his products illegally. >Starts dating a drow.>The relationship collapses some months later due to her family trying to impose a traditional drow relationship and her crazy ass grandma who keeps sending thugs to harass him >Grandma responds by sending some assholes to bust up his store.>He fucks them all up because he's a goddamn gunsmith>Grandma uses that to destroy his life, making it look like he killed them (they left that store unconscious not dead) taking away his shop and blacklisting him>Guy's fled to the dwarven city underneath and is now apparently working under a runemaster who answers personally to the head of the dwarven mafia>Bitch who started the it all still calls me to ask if I've seen him.>MFW Drow.
>>23735976S/HE STARTED IT, AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY>was a pedo for trying to get with a student (I'm undercover, but still)>had a penis>those claws hurt like fuck
what we have created hereis bootiful
>>23735981Paladins in the states love 21 Jump Street
>>23735949>killing their students>killing students>killing>students....You....You cannot possibly be a paladin. You are either insane or some worshiper of an evil god.
>>23735903I WAS RIGHT.
>>23735988Propel yourself out of the chains!
>>23736005I HOPE YOU GET ASS RAPED BY AN OGRE YOU FUCK
>>23736005>She started itYou EXPLICITLY told us that YOU trick them into dates.Which makes it YOUR fault.
>>23736012They were harpies!And traps!I'm justice!
>>23736012nohe is worsehe isa pallitard
>>23736026>>23736028Monster who kills people not your Waifu.
>>23736023I am now in the brambleseverything hurst
>>23735903>I'm an undercover paladinstopped reading right here
>>23736028S/he shouldn't have agreed to my advances! Are you saying when a cop tries to buy drugs only to arrest the drug dealer later, they're the bad guys!?
>>23735972>/pol/>not /pal/ for paladins/palitardsGet out.
>>23736038everything in this setting is a monsterjust nicer and and shit
>>23736046Now, image that pain transferring into the brambles. Make the brambles and extension of yourself.Now ride those brambles out of there
>>23736035No, you're just you. You're also why I wish that the police paladins would crack down on the NPA and those other fucks.>>23736053>She shouldn't have agreed to my advances!So you fucking KILLED her over it?!
How is it that a bunch of humans can hate Paladins more then Tieflings who are continually getting shot at by them?
despite it starting as a fantasized version of OPs crush being a lesbianI say we archive this so this setting can live on
>>23736046If you can, run! get out of the woods and back to civalisation. most of the clerical orders around will have seen this condition before and help you.
>>23736000A Drow dated a dwarf?
>>23736074OH GOD THEY ARE TEARING AT MY SOUL
>>23736088Thats what you ask? No he's human over50% mechanical but still human.
>>23736053>Are you saying when a cop tries to buy drugs only to arrest the drug dealer later, they're the bad guys!?actually...
>>23736090Keep riding them, the brambles are not your enemy, they're your friend. Understand this, and the brambles will understand you are not their enemy.And do it quickly, because by know the fae might be catching on.
>>23736079I agree. From this moment on we shall call it 4chan faerun edition rpg unless you guys can think of anything better
>>23736111You bet your ASS she's catching on. You told him to start manipulating the world around him.Fae can sense that shit.
>>23736111SHIT GOBLINS ON MY RIDEWELCOME TO THE PAIN TRAIN BOYSDESTINATION HUMAN WORLDYEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAA MOTHER FUCKERS
>>23736119>4chan faerun>not FaeChanSeriously anon, are you even trying?
>>23736077Tieflings don't declare fatwa on your high school and kill everyone they 'detect evil' upon.They mostly just sell drugs and shit. I've heard of this new thing on the streets they're calling Dryad Pubes, dunno what it is but it knocked a friend of mine flat for a week.
>>23736145I like the name faechanfirstwe should start with a basic loreand what races are in it
>>23736076I just think you people don't understand all the good work we paladins do!Remember that hole in North Dakota that was shooting out blood for three weeks?That was are doing! We had stopped a inter dimensional horror from turning the entire population of the state into children of madness. Without us, you would probably be in the trumpet dimension!
>>23736119.....I think i just heard hershe is pissedSHE IS VERY PISSEDI AM FUCKED
>>23736147I meant how is that you humans hate Paladins more then Tieflings who the Paladins continually try to kill on sight.
>>>/b/ freeform RP goes there
>>23736145No i wasnt. hence the open invite for a better name.FaeChan it is. now someone archive this im in the middle of delecate airomancy
>>23736157All of them.Except Kender, because the other races did a true genocide against them.
>>23736160is burning down the human school good work?
>>23736157All the races.They're flooding into America like the immigrants did.
>>23732910>>23732914tl;drLearn how to say more with less because you're basically just rambling for more than 75% of your text.
>>23736160>Stopping an inter-dimensional horror>Leaving the gaping wound openWhat do they teach you idiots these days?Back when Larry wasn't a lich, we'd go around smashing anything coming through a portal and then we'd spend the time to bloody well brick it back up!
>>23736165>>23736132>>23736125Alright, now what I'm going to ask you may seem difficult, but you need to do it.Make your mind go through the brambles, to the very end of them. Then, fire your conscious out of the brambles like a canon, and have your body return to you.You should fly right over the trees and shit, and get to the city in no time.
Off a bad start and I'm not even gonna bother with the rest because its only dowhill from there.
>>23736077>How is it that a bunch of humans can hate Paladins more then Tieflings who are continually getting shot at by them?Back in 2nd edition, Paladin was a human only class.Now, that's not the case anymore, but there's still a lot of resentment for Paladins in the human community.It's like they feel that palatards reflect badly on the human race. Like it reinforces negative stereotypes or some shit.
>>23736211Now you're picking at details. Remember, everything is better than trumpet dimension.>>23736184...no...but that's the work of a few radicals in our radical sector. Even us radicals don't like them.
>>23736222I don't think line graphs work that way anon.
>>23736213I am now in a parknakedwith a pale motherfucker staring at me
>>23735485So you're in Hoenn?
>>23736259Could you describe your current state? Are you still a plant based being? And is the pale thing human?
>>23736259>pale motherfuckerThat's a vampire, you should probably get away from it.I'm not even sure if it can turn you but you shouldn't take that risk.Look for your nearest Temple.
>>23736259Enjoy your freedom friend.
Paladins. Why is it that every single goddamn time they get involved in something they ruin everything.
>>23736297When your only decent class ability is smite evil, sooner or later everything starts to look like evil.
>>23736239So you just LEAVE the huge hole spurting blood? Hardly paladin behavior.
>>23736297Oh for fucks sake what happened now?
>>23736299Alright, still plant... good, the vampires can't eat you.Though I'd get behind a good threshold soon, your fae friend is going to be right behind you.
>>23736331I am carrying the vampire, using him to cover my bitshe is not happy
>>23736321We tried covering it, but by the time the battle was over, we didn't really have anything to cover it with.We tried dirt, but that just blew awayWe tried our own armor, but all the real armor we had was broken beyond use.We tried using tape and cardboard, but that didn't work at all.What were we to do?
>>23736335Liking those tags
>>23736340Id head to a local clerical centre. some of them should have seen your condition before and be able to help you
>>23736340Have you explained the situation? Also, you should probably get some people to go back in for your fellow prisoners.
>>23735864Look, I'm sure she's not a he. No, I haven't seen her naked, but gender is stated in passports and things like that.
>>23736362Sand to soak up the blood, stone to keep the sand down.
>>23736327>Fucking Paladin claims that our group needs a holy influence>Ruins years of group tactics by continually charging in with his sword>Annoys our Designated Marksmen by calling him a coward and pointing out that 1/4 infernal still pings as evil finally annoying him enough to leave and seek work elsewhere ending in him getting hired by the local Warlord.>Contiually hits on anything female >Attempts to get rid of him have ended with more Paladins arriving to watch over us
>>23736370Pallitards are trying to stake the vampire
I don't really know whats going on in this thread, but I like it.
>>23736392I hate to say this as a member of a sanctioned order, but I think you'll have to use your magic on them. Unprovoked attempted murder is against the code, thus they are not paladins. Have.... well, I can't wish you fun because that would be wrong. Be safe.
>>23735903>Three harpies tricked a probably badly disguised pallitard>That means all Harpies are badI'm currently living together with a Harpy, we've been together for 5 years. She's outgoing and open. Stop being a stupid racist.The only bad thing is when it's my time to clean the toilet. How they succeed with that is beyond me.
>>23736392they wont do shit. not since vamps won the vote and got equal rites and shit
>>23736423I thew the burning vampire at themI don't know what happenedbut now there are rabbitsfuckingeverywhere
heyhow do I update the archive?I've seen it been done before
>>23736446I'd try to keep your distance from them. You have influence over meat life, but your power is greater when using plant life. The rabbits will only give your location away to the fae.
Guys why are succubuses seen as evil in our society? I mean, they need male semen and there's a lot of bad ones, but not everyone is bad. I'm currently dating one and she is real nice. The sex is amazing.
>>23736428I'm so happy you got along well with your inter-species relationship.I really hope my 'friend' feels the same way about me.
>>23736467okthey are kinda on fire
>>23736428>badly disguised I'll have you know I was at the top of my class at Licarda's Beauty School in West Burbank! I wanted to be a hair designer before becoming a paladin.My hair had the boyish charm of 12,000 high schoolers.
>>23736471I am not one of those Pallitards, but you really do need to be careful around Sucubi. Or Incubi for that matter.They're not all bad for sure, but the majority are, and they're also very good at making you think they're not one of the bad ones. I'm probably just being a paranoid old fudd, but I'd keep on my toes if I were you.
>>23736471And you're probably pretty buff now....Shit, they're hated because the bad ones drain men dry instead of taking little sips regularly, you dig?Skinning the sheep versus trimming the wool sort of thing.
>>23736488You're a murderer, a racist and a fuckhead. If you ever get close to my girlfriend I'll magic missile your ass so hard you won't be able to sit for days.
>>23736488So your disguise was your hair.Wow, I wonder why the harpies hit on you, it's almost like they knew without a doubt that your were above legal age.
>>23736505Im with you on this bro. you have my sword
>>23736471They tend to use their powers to influence men and most charm men like nothing leaving them like that for years. We had a succubus who was posing as a school teacher and using that position to build an army of slaves. Got stopped by some kid who shot her with a double-barreled. Then again it might of been better if he didn't since now i have to deal with Zarus followers.
>>23736527And my axe....Well, really my friend's axe.He lets me borrow it, dwarves are pretty cool bros, man.
>>23736527And my Glock.
>>23736483I suggest you run now while they're all busy.Remember, the Fae girl is still after you for escaping. If you cannot find any safe haven, get some chalk and draw a circle with yourself inside. It will protect you.
>>23736538THE KID WAS A ZARUS FOLLOWER? FUCKING HELL LOCKS HIS ASS UP.
>>23736515Baby, when you have hair as good as mine, it's expected that they'd be on the d...I mean...FUCK IT, THEY WERE EVIL
>>23736574I am currently with some bums in the sewer
>>23736592If you properly explain the situation, you are likely in the safest hands.Sewer bums can deal with fucking anything.
anyone know how we update the archive of thisif soDo
>>23736592>bums Ask one of them if they are a wizard. Sometimes they are.
>>23736578He isn't. The kid got locked up since one of her thralls was a cop and a shitload of Zarus followers showed up to protest it. The kids mortified he's a Bastard follower.
>>23736586So you're an admitted serial killer, you admit to committing multiple rapes (sex under false pretenses), and you plan on doing it again.Why haven't you been arrested yet? Better question; who the FUCK allowed you into the Order?
>>23736613I think I gained their trust by offering a burning rabbit to the largest one
>>23736626he's a pallitardhe ain't in no order
>>23736626Sh-shut up! Harpies are daemon spawn! They tried to kill me! They were traps!I was put into the order under the same circumstances as my brothersI'M JUSTICE
>>23736527>>23736549>>23736550Thanks guys, I really hate pallitards. We've been attacked a few times when walking home after a nice dinner out or meeting some friends. Some (often drunk) self proclaimed "good guy" starts waving his sword around like it's a baseball bat and screaming things about how "disgusting" our relationship is. Once she even got her wing damaged. Couldn't fly for a few weeks, I've never seen her that sad.I just want those fucks to leave us alone. It's sad too because I know that not all paladins are like that. I had a great friend when I studied magic at Uni who later became a good paladin. We still meet each other every now and then.
>>23736592>>23736613>>23736615These people will do you right, boy.Once, on a Holy Mission, I got wounded by the Demon of Artoch. Bitch was trying to turn every single elf into a tree, and while they fuckin' love trees they don't want to BE trees.Anyway, I got really wounded when she shoved her goddamn claws in my ribs, escaped into the sewers, and I met five bums. I asked if they would offer a space to a dying man, then I gave them the last of my beef jerky.The demon followed and tried to kill me.The sight of them destroying her will warm my heart on cold nights forever.
>>23736678so bums are the most badass of badasses in this setting
>>23736662Aw shit... you on the west coast? I'm still in Spain dealing with the Inquisition fuckers, but I know a few guys who could help you out.
>>23736678yeahthe biggest one has a weird scar on him
should we put an article of this on 1d4chan?
>>23736623How did that charge stick? You think they would have precedence of this happening?
>>23736711No I'm on the east, but thanks for the offer.
>>23736654>harpies>daemon spawn>rationalization for rape and murderLook, son. It'll be alright. Some men in armor are going to come get you and take you to a safe place where there aren't any harpies, okay?
>>23736742They used to have a shitload of defenses but since Succubus are good now most of them had to be rid of
Hey there! im 116 and what the atheon is this?
>>23736746The east coast, huh?Do you know Maggar? Big man, huge beard. Runs an orphanage for 'monsters'. He's up in Jersey, talk to him.
>>23736697You haven't considered all the weird crap that either gets flushed down into the sewer or breaks into it from the bowels of the Lower Plains, have you?I mean, you hear those WTF stories of rich children flushing baby hydra down the toilet?Not only is that true, that's one of the tamest things those guys face.Hell, they farm them for food - you'd be surprised how palatable Hydra neck can be.
>>23736733So what are the basics of this universe>palitards and bloodsuckers are mortal enemies>Spain is suffering an inquisition, Denmark is creature fre, and America is a hotspot for creature activity>Bums are badasses>Nothing is worse than trumpet dimension>Palitards are awful>Plant people are cool
>>23736752NO, FUCK YOU!I'm gonna go show you all what real justice is, just you FUCKING WAIT
>>23736782I don't know him, but I'll definitely drive over there during a weekend to talk a bit. Thanks again friend.
I knew a girl once, but let me start by saying curses can be kinky in bed.>sort of forever-friendzoned with this one girl>she and my best friend(who is a wizard) are like the best friends trio >one day wizard bro falls asleep during a class about summon familiars and such>later that day he asks me what the assignment was and I tell him it is a summon and show day tomorrow>he says "oh shit! I fell asleep what should I summon?">I suggest a simple dog>the next morning he brings a unusually looking wolf with a muzzle>my friend who is a girl wants to become a druid one day and she gushes over pretty much any and all animals>turns out wizard-bro did a piss poor job of attaching the muzzle and when the girl tried to pet the wolf, the muzzle just fell to the side and she got her hand bit>Wizard bro polymorphs the wolf into a miniature lion(I don't really know why) and apologizes profusely>Friend girl goes home sick for the rest of the day>Don't see her for a few days>about 3-4 weeks after she finally shows up crying at my house. I comfort her, but not really knowing whats wrong.>she says she has changed and doesn't want me to get hurt if I stay around her>I tell her I'm your friend I won't abandon you, there is nothing that you can do that will make me stop loving you>she chokes up the moment I said 'loving'>she throws herself into my arms>How could you ever love a monster?>As I have never really been this close to a female before and my luck with women is pretty much nonexistent, I am going to go for it>I pull her head close and kiss her on the check. again. She kiss back...one thing led to another and I don't know whether she was just desperate or I used my one time pity sex card with her, but it was awesome!CONT
>>23736796>Smoking dryad pubes gets you real high
>>23736796yeahalso japan is having a civil war over the rights of creatures
>>23736795>Bum around for a couple of years>Fight every single goddamn creature in the fucking book over the years>Stop a Cthulhu incursion, kill a minor god, knife a magical girl>I'm still fucking small time. Fucking hell.
>>23735849 >Paladin? I'm waiting for your taleAh, yes. It goes back to a couple of years, when the vampire craze started emerging.>It was june, I was in high school, got good marks, so all we had to do was to wait for the days to roll over, watch TV in classes where we finished the topics, and not to fall into sleep on those where we didn't.>Or so we thought.>One day a girl came in with a vampire romance book, severs ties to her friends, declares she wants to live with a vampire.>Other girls follow suit.>The next thing I know half the people are pale, and have a thing for blood. Even boys get entranced. Damnation!>But then, I was a LARP D&D nerd, and we frequently played inbetween classes. The party was suitably a group of fighters, paladins, and clerics investigating a plague of undeath.>So it's safe to say that we're in that "purging mood" when we play. One day, the party was fighting a few monstrous things, flesh golems I think, after school when we are approached by a group of them.>They took it as a sign of offense and oppression, that we "practice and drill" to frighten them. Well, the group was the ones who obviously weren't frightened. Rather, they itched for a fight.>Now there were four of us, and at least a dozen of them. I stopped count at forty. We went through them down like a bulldozer through a forest of porcelain garden gnomes.>Two hours later, it's an all out war, and WE ARE WINNING. Other "pallitards", though I only saw comrades in them, joined our cause, but two of my friends were shot down, but such was war. Of course we made a bloody/bloodless mess of the culprits. Then we descended on their hideouts, and left nobody undead. It was a gang war, and the guns were about pulled out when real paladins arrived.>When It was over, a cleric of Torm made us walk through the mess. Strangely I recognized my handiwork here and there, and even found my solid wooden stick in a vampire I staked, though not through the chest as I usually did...
>>23736796also be sure to put all the stories we wove their as well
>Be first day>Be cancer Mage>taking classes for English >"lol you need these credits to graduate">sit next to drider >be utterly terrified that she is going to spill my blood everyday>twitch whenever she moves >she notices and giggles>top half is solid 7/10>going home >notice she is kind of stalking behind me>I begin to panic>start to speed up>so does she>I NOPE all the way to my dorm room>she is at the end of the hall way >she begins to walk closer to me>frantically try to get key into lock>I keep on fumbling and missing lock> she is above me >im sweating bullets >she smiles and unlocks the room next to mine and walks in>thank you god>she comes back out and hands me a piece of paper>she giggles and walks back into her room>examine paper>it says she thinks I'm cute and has her numberWhat do I do /tg/!?
>>23736844Really, we should have ended it there because everything else has just been a paladin smear campaign and wizard wank.
>>23736889Kill her, she might be a harpie or worse. an elf
>>23736812Simmons! Simmons get over here!Look at this kid, doesn't he scream insecurities to you?Yeah, I think so too.Look, kid, we don't want you to do anything you'll regret later.Now, the nice men will be there soon. We'd send women, but you seem to have a track record of killing anything vaguely woman-shaped so that's out.
>>23736845That whole "tentacle rape" propaganda shit didn't really help the old guard in their "Kami yummy, Youkai no way" crusade.
>>23736894Pallitards aren't palladinsthey are extremiststhey are a hate groupthey are motherfuckers
does anyone know how to update the archived post?
>>23736889Stop being paranoid man. Just roll with it. Worst case scenario you get a story to tell. Best case you'll get a great girlfriend.No matter what you do, just don't listen to fucks like >>23736917
>>23736635You're set, kid.Sit back and watch the show.Also, help them farm their food, they'll like you more.>>23736719>weird scarThat means he's a survivor.
>>23736845Thats not a goddamn war it's basically fetishes incorporated. I ended up there after accidentally stumbling into a teleport sewer. On one side neckbeards on the other assholes.
>>23736889Go into class the next day dressed as an exterminator. If she wants things to work, she won't care.
>>23737023He wears what appears to be a small leviathan hide
>>23737059Yeah, I'd say hide out with them. A fae would be no match. While you hide, research how to become human again.
>>23737044It's not that bad.
>>23736889Go for it, it's a bit of a long story, but even as an arachnophobe I started dating a Drider, and I never looked back. We're married now, and she even saved my ass a couple of times.
>>23737079They seem to be nicethe one with the Scar is being called mean sonofabitch by the others
>>23737009Okay so I just called her. We are going out on a date to toadstools and plump helmets: dwarven delights... She sounds exited
so are we going to start a new threadand also are we going to make an article for this 1d4chan?
>>23736830>the next morning she says she wants to talk>oh shit... I screw up and lose a friend I thought>shes and I talk for a bit some some things that didn't really matter for a while>then she lays down the bombshell. She has Lycanthropy.>Say to her I'll be here for you if you need me.>Back at school rumors are already flying about her since she has been missing>wizard bro seems to know what happened at my house last night and with him being a wizard I don't bother asking how he knows I got laid. "Hey man, did she dig her claws into your back? How did the fur feel? Did you use the tail for leverage?">"Dude, what? she wasn't turned or anything!>Wizard-bro says " I heard from my uncle that Lycans are crazy fun in bed! I wish I could've tapped that ass!">Hey that's <friend-girl-Anon> you are talking about! ...it was pretty great though...">"Anon, when she goes into heat I can get you some fun kinky magical items from my uncle.">I didn't know they go into heat.>Friend-girl-anon pulls me aside before last class. "hey it was great hanging out with you last night, we should do it again soon">I ask, how about this weekend?>She responses with a slight smile"But anon, there is a full moon this weekend!">my face when>I don't mind if you don't
HOLY SHIT, I'M OUT!I'M FREE, I'M FUCKING FREE.I'M FINALLY OUT OF THE TRUMPET DIMENSIONTell me, what does other music sound like. My calves would only play smooth jazz, and the trumpets blared the music beyond human comprehension!NOTHING IS WORSE THAN TRUMPET DIMENSION
>>23737130Great man, I hope you have a good time. Believe me, there's nothing wrong with these kinds of relations. They're just like relations with a human with other kinds of sex.Just enjoy it. Don't be scared, she's not evil. If you develop a longer relationship with her try to stay away from palitards, they can seriously hurt you and your partner.
>>23737130Just wondering, is there any creature with the upper half a spider and the lower half of a man...I thought I saw one walking down the street, but then again, I am a child of madness, so I don't know what the fuck is real or not.
>>23737158I was once gated to the disc dimension. Never go to the disco dimension
>>23737096A magical has her own cult and is promising them that they'll beceom magical girls like them. Catgirls are enslaving people, idol singers are ordering culls. It's idiotic.
>>23737023>That means he's a survivor.They're all survivors. Getting scarred means he bit off more than he could chew or he got hit on purpose.Either way, he could probably regenerate it properly with all the Hydra and stuff in his system. Him choosing not to probably means he's a show-off.(Only reason I know this stuff is because I'm working on some... unconventional biological stuff and these guys bring great samples to barter.)
>>23737193>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-E6ljLSOkbYWelp, time to go off myself
okshould we start a new thread before this one auto sages t deathand should we make an article for it on 1d4chanalsowhat would happen if bums met a group of pallitards
>>23737250Depends, probably nothing unless the palitards are looking for a fight.
>>23737250I wholeheartedly agree with you. We need a new thread + article.I'll post as soon as I can about my harpy crush.
>>23737250Bums are not outwardly violent people. They try peace first. And usually since bums are human, palitards don't attack them. But if a group of palitards attack an innocent creature, bums will act.
>>23737223Can Americans join the fight?
>>23737264which they always seem to be doingand my other two questions?
>>23737275I've never made a post on 1d4chan. Can we just post the green text stories on there?
>>23737232>bit off more than he could chewYou know, that could be literal, why I once saw a bum in the Chicago sewer take a bite out of a resurrected god. Instant deicide, but then again a god losing his tackle....>>23737250>>23737264If the pallitards attack, there will nothing of them left to find.Mostly, the bums just don't get involved though.
>>23737275Guy in a serious relationship with a harpy here.If you need any advice, just ask.
>>23737275You want to make the articleI can start the threadbut I need one thinga pictureof a bum
>>23737248>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sC0cvwnG0IkWhen you're in the trumpet dimension, you pray for anything besides whatever is playing through your calves.Thank you
>>23737250If the Pallitards don't start anything major, then the bums won't retaliate.If the Pallitards actually attack them to the point of lopping body parts off, then the bums will accidentally the Pallitards into a fine mist all over everything....Kinda wish I didn't go to get that Daemon Lord sample at that time...
>>23737305just dont forget FaeChan
>>23737355seems about right
So I am now an evil overlord. Any advice?
>>23737362I won'tjust waiting for someone to put it on 1d4chanalso need to find a really good bum picfor the next thread
>>23737399Don't try to rule the world. It won't work. Your greatest plan will be foiled and your schemes unfurled. Ask any lich.
>>23737399If you rule your country fairly then no one will try to overthrow you except pallitards.And since everyone hates pallitards, they'll like you more.
>we go to the restraunt>all is going well >laughing>having a good time>I start to fall for this drider>we kiss>suddenly palitards>two of them>one slams his hand on the table"what are you doing with this freak">hatches idea>extends hand for hand shake"oh hello, I'm cancer Mage">he shakes my hand>suddenly he falls to the ground covered in pox>his friend starts to freak out and flail his arms like a fool>girlfriend giggles>feel alpha as we walk home>she tells me she really likes me and I'm her first boyfriend>suddenly>palitards friend with a spear>girlfriend shots web at him and dangles him from a tree.>fuck yea>go home>make out some more and call it a night >she tells me she wants to see me in her room tomorrow.
Do you guys not remember the Great Palitard Bum alliance?Granted, it's not official, and the two groups are not allied, but...let me explain>A horrible flesh beast had been growing in the sewers>It would slit off into giant meat snakes and try to break out of the sewers.>The bums would easily defeat the meat snakes, but they multiplied quickly>One of the meat snakes finally makes its way through a sewer grate>A sewer grate outside a palitard pizza party>While the bums attacked the snake's body deep in the sewers, the palitards attacked the head sticking out of the grate.>The palitards from all around the city stood watch outside of sewer tunnels, toilets, and other things connecting to the sewers, and attacked any meat snake that escaped the tunnels>Neither the palitards or the bums knew about the other sides contributions.
>>23737294>>23737305I never made an article there either.>>23737296She doesn't seem to pick up signs I drop, how do I make it obvious I like her? Everyone else seems to get the idea that I'm (Leonel Richie) stuck on (you)her.
>>23736872CONT'D:>... while screaming "WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?", as well as corpses of people that obviously weren't vampires, but nonetheless they were staked. Sometimes by me.>I think I broke down then and there, yet the holy hand that drove me remained, my veins still coursed with divine blessings. And that, I think is why so many people are pallitards, as divine retribution sometimes comes a little later. Just a little. And sometimes that's enough to be misinterpreted.>But a bit of stern talk and a few corpses obviously didn't make me a paladin. Of course, I was a pallitard before, taking justice into my hands since my first days at elementary, so it's safe to say that a stern talk had zero chance by itself.>No. I was saved by the order of paladins that came. Of course I was amongst those who they rounded up during the investigations, but given that me and my friends were but the spark that fell into the keg of blackpowder, we were only reprimanded for judgmentalism, and excessive use of force.>Don't get me wrong here. Reprimanded is really putting it nicely. We were sentenced for a year of work at a quarry for paying penance and learning humility, and after that I was amongst those assigned to senior knights to learn under.>Let me repeat: I was inducted into their order. Those who haven't learned were given life sentence. Trom's hand is as just as his hammer is harsh upon those who are unjust, as you'll see.>My biggest surprise was that we hardly ever came into conflict in my novice years, that couldn't be defused by reasoning, and more often than not there was but one sinner amongst the misled. And most of those who were misled were willing to change their ways after they were guided back with a firm, just hand back to the herd.>Yes. For through I am no shepherd, sometimes it falls upon me to educate and bring light into the darkness of minds, to clear the path to light for those who have the will to follow it, and to deal with those who don't. CONT
>>23737419I don't really have any interest in ruling the world. The Empire I inherited mostly makes it's money by arms dealing and mining.
>>23737286We've already integrated them. Equal rights, and all that.
>>23737444how about we put storiesand the lore of Faechan theirwith info of how shit works therelike bums being supreme asskickersor dryad prunes being some goooood sheetand pallitards
>>23737286Why would you want to?
>>23737443Then it's not an alliance is it? It's two separate groups doing mutually beneficial things to combat the same problem at the same time.
>>23737439Ok, but before you go to her room, make sure you have protection.In both ways condemns and bug spray
I have the next thread ready to postare we done here or shall I wait a bit before starting
>>23737479Yeah. I mean they could have had a sweet alliance, but the palitards are too egotistical to admit that anyone helped them, and the bums are too apathetic to make agreements like that. Plus, no one wants to ally with palitards.
>>23737439Dude, are you into bondage?Cause that's what's gonna happen.If you are, great. Just tell her that eventually you would like to go back to her room.And I'm pretty sure she'll resist the impulse to wrap you in webbing so that you can never escape, but talk to her about it beforehand, kay?
>>23737444Harpies tend to like people that are straight forward. Obviously this doesn't apply to every single harpy, but I'd honestly say that you should tell her how you feel. A more general tip is to be very careful during the first sex. You WILL hurt yourself. The harpy will soon get used to not clawing you. But try to keep as still as possible and let her lead during your first few times. Also, be very sure to tell her that it isn't her fault. It's completely natural and you won't die.
>>23737457...Are you a player in my campaign? Because that is literally what my PCs are doing right now.
>Mage>Friend of mine a fellow mage is dragged to Japan by his Waifu seeking brother >Returns engaged to some crazy ass Samurai chick>Hides out in my house>MFW Bitch keeps coming aroundIDEAS PEOPLE IDEAS
So I just want to get a clear answer here, will I be harassed for having a werewolf girlfriend?I mean she looks normal most of the month and she rarely looses control when magic carts fly by.Will those Palitards even know unless they see her transform?
>>23737528Okay... I'm gonna put on my jacket and I'll be on my way.See you guys in an hour or so and I'll tell you what happened.LEEEEEROYYYYY JENKIIIIIIIINS!!!
>>23737551pretend to be a pallitard
>>23737568Probably not, you're blessed with a race that can hide from the palitards most of the time.Stronger palitards can sense it, but they are usually not batshit crazy.
>>23737551First, is she hot or beautiful? Because there IS a difference.Second, talk to your friend about the circumstances of the 'engagement'.Third, try and talk rationally to her about HONOR.
>>23737575Good luck my friend.
so we ready for a new thread let
>>23737575Good luck, anon.
>>23737568They can detect evil, undead, and some of them can even detect plants. But almost never lycans, oddly. You're in the clear.
>>23737511>>23737606Just post it, dammit.We'll continue from there.
Wait, so besides for palitards, do we have any other "bad guy" factions? The only other one I could consider is the madness children or whatever.
>>23737633>detect plantsWhen is that EVER useful?Unless you've got a hate-on for dryads or you REALLY need some poison ivy, the damn thing will just go off any time you're near a flower pot.
>>23737590Hot i guess. Though I'm not really sure. Big tits are good right? Apparently his brother tried to defeat her in single combat and he stepped in with some illusions and tricked her into hitting herself in the head with a brick. Since he thought that it was a crime worthy of death his brother ratted him out. Shouting out the window about honor sounds stupid.
>>23737647Palitards aren't really bad guys. They're more like drunks looking for a fight.Paladins are still okay.
>>23737443Oh, you mean that time we tried breeding a new source of food and it went a bit out of hand?Yeah, no, every single Palitard combined was less useful than that desperate vagrant new to sewer life was with a crappy Sword of the True King we were using to prop up a table leg.
>>23737682new threadget in here you pallitards
>>23737675No, I know that, the paladins are still good guys, and the palitards are drunks, but the palitards are the sort of faction we know causes trouble.What are the other trouble causing factions.Maybe the bloodsuckers, I supposed, and the cult guys I already mentioned.
>>23737664So is she trying to kill him or is she legitimately looking for marriage, even if it's too soon?Cause let me tell you, it's pretty hard to get sword practitioners to go for mages.And I'm not saying shout out the window about honor. If your friend doesn't want to marry her, tell her so.Or maybe you should defeat her in combat so she'll marry you, I dunno.
>>23737714Legitimate marriage. He's not handsome but he's a damn good fighter. Comes from years of being dragged along with his brother. He's apparently told her so several times but it didn't stick. Also not a Lesbian.
>>23737762Maybe you should convince her that you already have a claim to him?Or find someone who IS interested in her and get them to beat her.
>>23737450>It was the years that shaped me into what I am, and my senior knights. First, the old Theodore, then Janus, more the scholar than the fighter, who taught me the way to reach communion with Torm.>He wasn't in a good mood.>Then Izual, the inquisitor. He went great lengths to find the true culprits behind each ruckus. >Under him I saw many people wither away at his look, and truth be told he frightened me.>Then at last Grom, the defender.>He showed me that sometimes, serving justice was as much in saving people, as in killing them.>That saving an innocent can be more important than dealing with an evildoer.>That only Torm knows true justice, and I must serve him in maintaining it.>Then I was knighted. One year in the quarry, another in the novicium, two more as a squire, and a final one as a young knight.>You see now, that there is no easy path to paladinhood, but you can skip the quarry if you go seek a cleric out and pledge yourself to Torm, instead of going on a bloody rampage with stakes an molotovs.As you see, there is more to a paladin than killing those we don't fancy.
>>23737762>Mage >Good fighterPick one
>>23737797I wouldn't mind claiming so but she'll kill me. Maybe the second route will work. But finding someone who likes a guy with no sex drive and cursed with paranoia the likes of which haven't been seen since ancient times is going to be tricky.
>>23737118>the one with the Scar is being called mean sonofabitch by the othersProbably don't get on his bad side.
I don't think we should have mixed-race sports leagues anymore. Did you see the oilers game last night? Taking a hit from a Minotaur ends careers.
That's genuinely scary. I guess y'all live in nice little communities with happy (relatively) families and neighborly activities.Me? None y'all mentioned them. I aint sure where they comin' from, but fuckin' goblins man.-They breed like rabbits. I aint ever seen a goblin older n' 15 without a kid. I know they mature faster than humans an' all that, but c'mon. By the time WE can legally have sex they're on kid 3 or 4.-They take jobs left and right. They'll do anything, and I mean anything, and they never do a great job at it.-You can bet yer ass where they go so will gamblin', drugs n' their little green-ish sluts. Ya can't stop by the corner store without one tryin' ta convince you to buy some weird shit ta get ya high or one of them offerin' a "gob job" for $20. What scares me is some of my friends say it's totally worth the cash.-Punishment as we know it means almost nothin' to them. They don't value property like we do, they live too short a span for imprisonment to mean much an' they just don't seem to have much of a moral compass.I've tried my whole life to be open minded and accepting, but I hear there's goblins in other places that believe in worshipin' fire and they's gonna try and bring that fire over here some day, cleanse the world of "heretics" like some kinda anti-paladin shit.And nobody seems to care. I hate this world some times.
>be a Golem>was created without a penis>or a mouth>or ears>or eyes>or a nose>no senses>only thoughtLife is suffering.