>"Witnesses ID'd the suspect as a male elf, about four-four, seen fleeing the scene with a yew bow. Big surprise, right?">"You got a problem with elves?">"I don't have a problem with anybody, as long as they aren't a murderer.">"Hey man, I'm just sayin'-">"What, that I'm prejudiced? My first partner was an orc. He was a good cop."
Oh man, I'm just imagining some sort of fantasy Noir detective story. Has anybody ever done something like that? Sounds like a mash-up that's crying out to be done.
>>22824014I've done it extensively. When I present classes to players, 'detective' is one of the specific archetypes I list for bards, rangers, and rogues.
>>22824014I'd be down.
>>22824014Garrett PI novels are a great source of that. It's pretty damn noir.
>>22824014Speaking of noir, has anyone seem any noir films, books, whatever, where the protag is female?
>>22824276Almost none. Have you?
Any more stories of dah nah nah, DUN DUN?(the LotR music abbreviated by the L&O double-dun)
>"Look, I don't care if he's a hero of the second war of gods, I got a dead body of a young gnome woman sitting in the morgue and five witnesses that says he was with the victim at the time.">"You don't.. you..I don't know nothing man.">"Look, do you want this psycho on the street, what if he comes after your daughter next because she looks like a gnome?">"Alright, He's down a the docks, works at Barnes Fishery. You don't understand though, the guy came back broken, he lost everything in the war, his wife, his child..">"Yeah me too and just about a thousand other people but I didn't turn into a racist gnome murderer because of it. Thanks."
Lets have some music for the thread.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2d-Xw2_xIDo
Those little itches, you know? The kind you keep scratching and they just keeping biting. It was hitting me hard tonight. That bitter sweeping wind just blew right through my beard. The winds were, trying to knock me down. Chilling me to the bone.So what else is new? Another night I regret not going to the Arcane Academy. Another chill sweeping a poor man down. Hell, if they ever figured up a spell to catch crooks I'd be out of a job. That's what I do, see. Some gob snatches your savings and the cops don't care? Fair little elf thing nustles up to you, only to leave you naked, robbed, and car gone? Think your darlin' was murdered, but they swear it was suicide? That's where I come in. I help those who can't help themselves. I'm a PI. My name's Rolo Bronzejaw. I'm the dwarf you want on your case. And tonight, it was a hell of a case. One I won't forget, no matter how much ale I slosh down.
>>22824276They couldn't. Not in any sort of realistic manner, at least.Hard boiled cynicism and dick-fueled lapses in judgement aren't traits typically associated with women.
>>22831764On the phone, she sounded smooth and melodic. I knew the voice was elfish instantly. It was almost mechanical. The way a woman sounds when she’s holding a whole world of pain back with her heart. She looked me up as soon as the police left, she said. Heard about me from a friend, she said. Nobody would believe her, she said.I’d heard the whole song-and-dance before. Another princess, another problem. Not my problem, at any rate. Now let me be clear. I have no weakness for women. None whatsoever. I didn’t take the case just to hear that scarlet, faeish voice hit my ear again. I sure didn’t take it because she said my name real nice and long like a fresh breeze.Nope.And yeah I need the work. But who doesn’t? I only hurried to the address she told me so fast because of the weather. Keeping my beard, and my wits, about me. That's me. Stone-cold, Bronzejaw.
>>22824276I think a lot of it has to do with the typical noir time period being one where women wouldn't be detectives. The closest you generally get is in urban fantasy. There's a LOT of urban fantasy that casts the female lead as a sort of magic PI/demon hunter/don't need no man but really does
>>22831984Getting there was an adventure all its own. I had to yap up to this dame’s halfling butler for 10 minutes before he finally got sense enough to open the gate for me. Seems like more and more halflings around these days. Taking up jobs and asking for handouts. They hardly speak common, so how they hell do they find work? Not only that, but where do they all come from? Do they breed like rats? I pushed the thought aside before my imagination explored that avenue. Best not to go down that road, Bronzejaw.Even for a private home in a gated community, was nice. Even by my, admittedly skewed, dwarven standards. A mansion so big you could fit a dragons horde into it. Set up like those movie stars have it, with the big wide lawn and the imposing white stone pillars in the front. Even with just the outer lights on, I could tell the whole thing was practically carved out of smooth, white stone. I was glad to see my elf hunch was right when I noticed all the hanging vines and planted decorations all about the place. Definitely money. Definitely going to tell me how to do my job. These are always the trouble jobs.I hadn’t even gotten to the door yet and already the stink of money on the place was choking me. I sent the taxi away and trotted up to the door like I owned the place. I was too busy looking at the house. Bad mistake.
>>22832245“Are you Rolo Bronzejaw?”It hit me like a stone golem. Some beautiful angel had appeared in that white doorway. Her gorgeous choir of a voice could sap the strength of the mightiest dwarves. Who was she talking to? Since when did angels have such nice legs? And for that matter, when did they get such black, long, and sultry hair?I looked twice and nearly panicked. I finally realized she was talking to me. I would have been more sarcastic but she’d obviously cast some sort of witchcraft on me. I’d probably wring her neck for it if she’d stop looking at me with those deep, cherry-red eyes. I managed to say one of my wittiest one-liners, something in dwarf-tongue, that I wouldn’t have said in polite company.Unfortunately, it just came out as something of a loud stutter. She cocked her head to the side. It was like the night sky was looking back at me, stars and all.“Are you drunk, Mr. Bronzejaw?"I’d never worked for a dark elf before. Great start though.
>>22832577I realize now that I do not have a image to show how much I like this and want you to continue. Have this instead
>>22828404hey man fuck gnomes.you don't know what they've done to me.little chipper bastards.
>>22832694I just got inspiration and am typing it up now. Gimmie a minute.
>>22832577http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMnrl0tmd3kMy momma had always warned me about the dark fae. Cold and unfeeling, they were supposed to practice the dark magics and breathe the blood of their murders. Supposed to relish in the pain of others. Sneaking into young a dwarf’s rooms at night and stealing him away. Drinking slime and spitting acid. Looking at one now, I hoped she was right about that sneaking.“Misses Tattina Malbrook?” I did my best to look imposing. A dwarf never had trouble looking broad. The tall part was a bit tough. I put on my best face though, bristling my haystack yellow beard out to full form. Not that I was pretty. I mean, by the standards of dwarves I was pretty. Couldn’t stop myself from that. A bit too scarred up a sack of meat maybe, but little fat and all muscle. I was hoping beyond hope that it would show.“It’s just Miss Malbrook since my husband died, I’m afraid.” She straightened up a bit. “A history more ancient than your people, Mister Bronzejaw. Now shall we stand in the cold all night or would you like to come in?” She sounded soft but commanding. What else could I do? I stumbled inside like I knew what I was doing.
>mfw Rolo Bronzejaw
>>22828404Uh, I don't think that many government organizations should be fucking with PCs high enough level to qualify as being called "The Hero of the Second War of Gods."I mean that's the sort of PC that'll conquer your nation for shits and giggles.
>>22832978The inside was not what I was expecting. The front of the house portrayed a moneyed elvish family with maybe too much time on their hands. The inside revealed a moneyed dark elvish family with maybe too much murder on their hands. The decorations ranged from silkish, blackened vinyl floors to odd hanging hook chandeliers with no real shape to them. Every piece of glass had a slight greenish-blue tinge to it, and the colors that weren’t black had a dark violet shade to it. Every piece of furniture had far more spikes than furniture should have. A grand staircase displaying odd elvish tapestry flowed down from the landing like a weaved eldritch waterfall. There were arches leading to other rooms in every direction. A horrible realization then dawned on me. This was just the entrance room.“You have a lovely home, Miss Malbrook.” I nodded.“Your courtesy might make me sick, Mister Bronzejaw.” She was walking towards the right side of the room, down a large violet hallway leading to another part of the house. If I hadn’t noticed her flowing spider silk dress and the elegant swaying of her walk I might have said something nasty.“I hope you aren’t this simple when it comes to your work, Mister Bronzejaw. I have need for a professional right now, and you come highly recommended.” She looked right at me. She turned my heart to goo somewhere in that sentence.Then again, maybe I'll hedge my bets elsewhere.
>>22833495The place was silent. Even with the rushing human maids, the scurrying gnomish bellhops and the hustling halfling butlers, I never heard a sound come from them or dearest Tattina. I thought it might be some silencing charm before a butlers cup clinked a plate as he passed alongside me. How they hell did they move like that? Could have used them in the war, the beardless blue-bloods.What the hell was I doing? I’d never let a woman walk all over me like that and I should be focusing on other things. I hurried alongside my host, eager to clear my thoughts.Observation is the key! Focus, you fat dwarven slug! Think.The hallway is…eerie but it has no standing. She’s quiet and she sounded distressed over the phone. Her mind is racing. Questioning. Sidelong glances aren’t to catch a look at my lovely beard. She’s thinking twice about sticking me on her case. She’d already implied as much from her comments so far.Now dark elves were nasty as a default, but even they knew how to be polite. They appreciate effectiveness more than flare. I’d have to give a hell of an impression if I’m going to get this job.
>>22833766She led me into one of the largest sitting rooms I’d ever seen. Portraits of great, armored dark elves glared down at me from the walls. Generals and warriors, all female, stood in judgment of this dwarven intruder. She flowed like a specter over to a long couch and sat down silently.“Won’t you sit down, Rolo?”I had a hard time getting my legs to solidify again after she said my name like that. Gah! Focus, Rolo! Or you’ll miss it all! So it’s Rolo now, is it? She’s desperate to try an old trick like that.Things are unkempt. The rugs are too dirty compared to everything else. This much staff at night? And why did it take so long to get in this place? I should have smelled it a mile away. I found a deep purple chair that was marginally unspiked and got comfortable. I made it a point to sit directly across from her and moved my chair a bit closer.“What did you tell the police about the robbery?” I asked cooly.Her eyes turned into little red saucers. She looked like she was about to breathe steam.
>>22833836I didn’t actually need to know that she called the police or what she told them. I just wanted to rile her up. My odds of getting kicked out of her house increased significantly, but it was worth it. If you want to see the truth of a person, look at them mad. And even mad, she was still gorgeous.“I…how DARE you…”She was glaring darts at passing servants before turning right back to me. Hate in all directions. This dame really needed my help. Now I had to get on this case.“Please, Miss Malbrook.” I said, “The police are already gone. Our business can’t have lives in the balance. You called Spellhaven, our mutual friend, to ask for advice which is how you got to me. You sounded hurt when I talked to you on the phone, so I know it was personal. Now please…” I leaned in a bit closer. “…get these servants out of here. Don’t look at me like that I don’t have any problems with Halflings but crowded rooms will get me jumpy real quick. I’m here to help you Tattina, this is what I do. I ain’t Superhuman but I'm damn good. I only need one thing from you…”She wasn’t tense like a statue anymore but she didn’t take her killing eyes off of me.“You called me at 2 in the morning. It’s now 2:30. I need a strong drink or I’m going to pass out on this spiked death trap of a chair.”
>>22834166I didn’t know whether she was going to gut me or hug me. Instead she just cocked her head to the side like she did at the door. I thought her hair bounces way too much when she does that. Can’t get a thought in edgewise.“Spellhaven said you were…charming?”“He called me a charming little neckbristle didn’t he?“Yes.”She said it so plainly. Like it was obvious the whole time. I laughed louder than I probably should have but she eased up a bit. I thought I even saw a smile coming on, but I shook off the thought. If she even cracked a smirk I’d have to call up the newspaper and then the police. Dark elves never smile.She excused herself and flowed over to a butler. She whispered something and soon all of the servants were cleared out. It was just the two of us in a very comfortable violet sitting room/torture chamber. It must have been an odd sight to her martial ancestors mounted on the walls like sentinels. A tall, lithe, dark and beautiful thing like her alone in a room with a short, unshaven, light-haired and smug thing like me. If she gave any thought to it, she didn’t let on.
This is relevant to my interests. Even if I have to go to bed, surely anons will bump through the night so I can finish the story!
>>22834388I'm watching for now.
>>22834382She walked over to what I thought was a cabinet and started pouring drinks. By Kogan that thing is a bar! The multitude of coloured vials and odd glass spheres gave the drinks a rainbow of variety. An exciting prospect for a dwarf. I found a seat that I assumed was a short hatstand and somehow managed to sit on it comfortably. Whatever drink she mixed up for me, it was like drinking white silk and brandy."Forgive me." She said slowly."For what? The drink is odd to be sure but...""No! No...I mean for your treatment. Such a dry and flavourless hostess I've never been. What an embarassment! A quick exchange of names and I expect your assistance. I'll not have a bit of that!" She sighed.She paused for only moment. I felt a chill down my spine as I heard the pattering of coming rainfall outside. She inhaled slowly and looked back at me with those blood-red eyes."You were right. I had something very precious taken from me tonight."
>>22834622>flavourlessWhat DO drow taste like?
>>22834622I want to do a dramatic reading of this in my best nior voice.Incidentally, if you're looking for a good fantasy noir novel I strongly recommend the Dresdon Files. Its a story of a hard boiled freelance wizard P.I, and its quite the read.
>>22834622The only sound now was the rain. She looked down again and began to pour herself something. She got too lost looking at that slow-falling drizzle, and truth be told, I eventually did as well. No matter how fair she was, no matter how shapely her form, there was something about the rainfall that humbled me to silence. For precious moments, she let her statement hang in the air. It must have been a full minute before I could bring myself to turn to gaze at her again. Had a button come undone on her dress? No time to look. Red nothings gazing at my blues.“I must swear you to absolute secrecy, Mister Bronzejaw.” She said sternly. Ooh! She’d thought a while about this, whatever it was. “For to utter a word of this business to anyone other than to those I say could cost me quite a bit. And you, perhaps more.” I didn’t want that to be a threat.
>>22834958“I never give a word I can’t keep ma’am. If you’re dealing in narcs or the black arts, you can count me out right now. I’ve had too many dealings with that type to know what kind of cases those make.”“Nothing like that.” She was barely holding together. “I’ve told the police, so do have some faith in me. You should know that it’s very important to me. The item, I mean.”She was fiddling with her drink now shakingly, but obviously intent on my answer. I thought on it. Do I really need this money? Am I really so desperate? I have a few other cases lining up. None with as much money as this one though. And the clients definitely weren’t so…pleasant. I knew that wasn’t it either. There was something about this woman. Past the perfect darkened skin and past the unfaltering red eyes, swelling even now with the tears of emotion barely contained. It was a sad, humbling thing to watch a woman feel like that. Good ol’ Bronzejaw. Riding up on his pony to save the darkling damsel from a ferocious dragon. Dull broadsword and rusted armour, that’s me. I knew it would be the death of me one day. I just had no idea how close I would get to it on this case.Gods-damnit.“I swear.”She actually looked up at me with hope. That's when the tears started.If I knew then what I know now, I would have gotten out of that house and away from that shaded beauty. It was my own fault. I was a sucker for dames in distress. I just wish putting myself in distress wasn’t so damn easy.NEXT TIME: THE CASE OF THE DARK ANGEL!
>>22835114So what did you guys think? I just typed that up with inspiration.
>>22824276Bound, the Wachowski sibling's first film, is a noir explicitly from the point of view of a sympathetic femme fatale archetype. Lesbian affair between a mobster's girlfriend and a female ex-con, and they plot to rob the mob blind and get away with it. You really do root for them.It's criminally underrated.
>>22835135I enjoyed it immensely.
>>22835185Ok. I'll type up the Case of the Dark Angel then. Don't know when it will be done, but I will probably present it at about these lengths in threads to come. Ca va?
>>22835174Probably because of the Wachowski association.
>>22835252someone should archive this for posterity's sake, until then
>>22834958>slowly falling drizzleI'm just imagining a certain dual-wielding angsty protagonist plummeting off of a cliff with "Drop It Like It's Hot" playing in the background
>>22835312probably. Which really isn't fair.The Matrix has a really, really terrible fanbase, but was a technical marvel and the best Science Fantasy monomyth since A New Hope. the sequels got a bit... off. But they were even at their worst, still better than the Star Wars Prequels.and Speed Racer was fun. Anyone who says otherwise can eat a bag of dicks. "It's too cartoony and silly!" The fuck were you expecting from a flick based on a cartoon? The villain looks like Al Gore ate Tim Curry, and it's Mario Kart all up in this bitch. What's not to love?They aren't the best filmmakers, but they deserve better than their rep.
>ME Elf>ShortAnon, do you even ME Elf?
Stay tuned, next time folks! For the continuing adventures of Rolo Bronzejaw, PI! And now, a word from our sponsors.Greetings friends! Do magical illusions keep you in the dark? Do sorcery’s incanations keep you chaffed? Magic rash is no joke, and you need strong stuff to keep it away from you and your family. This is why the Astroglags corporation has introduced their newest line of anti-magic cream, Glamour-away! Magical charms and glamour can keep the skin tough and even damage it! But with Astroglags new, patented formulae, Glamour-away, just rub it on and watch the charms disappear! It’s like you can dispel magic all on your own!When dealing with any magical conundrum, just remember, Astroglags is your Ward of Protection!Located in the 54th quadrant of the Plain of Slimes
>>22835135I will bear your children.
>>22835325Um. I don't know how to archive shit. I guess I have a responsability now? Should I start a trip? I just want to make people happy.
>>22833362Nobody's above the law on MY beat. Nobody.
>>22824276Sort of..I guess you could count Hyperion.
Fuck, that was a GOOD story.
>>22835600You have the devotion of an Imperial Guard.>Full suit of Daedric Armor. >Maxed out skills.>Enchanted EVERYTHING>Several artifacts>Famous hero, saved the world recently, fights demons and cultists for shits and giggles.>Steals a sweetroll"STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM! NOBODY BREAKS THE LAW ON MY WATCH!"
>>22823971>middle earth>elves are 4'4"You need to stop being stupid.
>>22835810>The Dovakin>Archmage of Winterhold>Leader of the companions>Renound bard>Hero of LITERALLY EVEY MAJOR HOLD IN SKYRIM>Thane of literally EVERY MAJOR HOLD IN SKYRIM>Walking around covered from head to toe in legendary everything>Knows the high empress of Skyrim personally>Saved the world of 3 separate occasions"Do you get to the cloud district often? Oh what am i saying, of course not."BITCH I EAT DRAGONS SOULS
>>22835927Is....is that a TFS Hellsing Abridged reference?
>>22835948im glad you caught that
>>22835927I killed that nigger right after I became Thane and the guards just shrugged.Shit was cash.
Read OP's post in Brisco and Green's voices. It was awesome.
>>22835927>"Do you get to the cloud district often? Oh what am i saying, of course not."Its right over there dudeLike up those stairsThose short stairsLike right thereLike I can SEE the damn cloud districtI wouldn't even call it a cloud districtMore like a top of the small hill district
>>22835114It's her Daughter, right? Her Daughter was kidnapped.
>>22835816There's short everybody, Anon. There's short everybody.
>>22835531I can handle it, if you want. Already working on it, just stop me if you've archived this one before.
>>22836449http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/22823971/And I believe that is ball game.
>>22824237Oh man, I fucking love that archetype. Some of the performances are pretty useless, but it's so damn flavorsome. Actually, quite a few of the Bard archetypes are good like that.Man I love Bards. Bards are a god-tier class to me. Pic related.
OP HERESTOPAM DROWNING IN ATMOSPHERESTOPMAKING THREAD WAS BEST IDEA EVERSTOPPLEASE CONTINUESTOP
Moar! I love Noir as well as L&O. Combining them with fantasy. Holy crap yes!Eberron has best opportunity for Noir/L&O feel. It has Magitek, low power level, and metropolitan areas that are huge. Sharn is like NY/London that spreads upwards instead of outwards.
>>22838865Lawful Neutral and Order. I'd watch it.Or Law and Order of the Sun. Paladins charged with investigation in the name of PELOR!
On the Continent of Westernesse there exists two separate yet equally important groups.The rangers who investigate the crimes, and the clerics that prosecute the offenders. These are their stories.
>>22840639Praise the sun!
>>22835927>Not killing that guy and getting away with it because you're Thane
bumping a good thread
>>22831764>>22831984>>22832245>>22832577>>22832978>>22833495>>22833766>>22833836>>22834166>>22834382>>22834622>>22834958>>22835114>>22835414The music really brought it all together.
>>22824014Isn't this EXACTLY what the Dresden Files is for?
>>22841641Hoo boy here we go. I hope /lit/ isn't here today.
beorn is best cop
>>22841641>>Dresden FilesMy nigga
>>22841641You mean what Eberron novels are for.
>>22823971>>22828404>Read all the green text as Detective Brisco.>Can't undo this now.
Law and Order and Law and Order SVU are the only good ones.
>>22842148I prefer NCIS.
>>22842148SVU pales in comparison to the original one
>>22842251Still better then Criminal intent.
>>22842340You take that back.
>>22842148>>22842251>>22842340I've always disliked the Law & Order series because the cops in them aren't very moral characters and clearly consider the law nothing but a tool they can use to enforce their own personal desires. The law is used when they want it, ignored, set aside, or perverted when it's inconvenient. Too often they do something like just taking a personal dislike to a suspect and then shitting all over the constitution to get evidence against him and a conviction, but of course it's okay because he was really guilty all along.I've always preferred CSI. While the writing may be more fantastic and contrived, from a moral standpoint it's hard to argue with it. "We go with what the evidence says. If the evidence says he's innocent, we let him go."
>>22842148Law and Order: UK is best Law and Order.
>>22842471>Implying it's possible for the UK to produce an amusing show
>>22842487>implying any form of L&O is amusing>implying british comedy isn't fucking brilliant
>>22842505The joke of that comment just whizzed by you doing 90 in a 65 zone.
>>22842505>Implying it is
>>22842543>Implying implicit implications
>>22842487>implying any other country can come up with a show even approaching the awesomeness that is Doctor Who
>>22842388I don't know if you're ignorant, or a troll.The Law & Order series has consistently good episodes, showing the Cops acting like damn Cops. It's hard for things not to become personal when your entire life focuses around catching criminals only for them to get away later due to a shitty prosecution. CSI is as realistic to forensic science as Star Trek Voyager is to actual science. Now you may say that might not matter, but when your suspension of disbelief gets shattered time, and time again, it gets hard.
>>22842571>Implying Doctor Who isn't overrated
>mcbainI lost it.
>>22842251SVU is great, I think it's equal to L&O in terms of quality. >>22842388L&O was first cop show to show what cops really do. It's not all B&W, cops can become corrupt and use their position in society to get ahead. Then again we expect it, and we have rules to curve this. However the rules favor those in power.
>>22843712Yeah, but it portrays the corrupt cops abusing the law as the heroes.
>>22843712>L&O was first cop show to show what cops really do.Sorry friend but that would be The Wire, or even more so, it's predecessor Homicide.
>>22842388Dunno about you, but the L&O Cops always felt like good cops to meGreen & Brisco have problems, yeah they have(drinking and gambling) but they're generally nice guysnow Elliot Stabler from SVU, well yeah, he is fucking menace to society.Dude can't control his RAGE, always enforcing unnecessary force on the criminals. He is basically the symbol of police brutality
>>22844070He's also working in the kiddie rape division and he has a teenage daughter. I'd have to fight the urge to violently assault every perp too, and I'm a weak man terrified of physical confrontation.
>>22844070I just hate how they always say "That guy rustles my jimmies. That means he must have done it. Let's go find some evidence, no matter how circumstantial, to nail him." And they pull shit like "Hey did you hear someone inside call for help?" to get around search warrants and stuff like that.
>>22843750>>22844070I don't think they hold up Elliot Stabler as a hero. Especially after that episode where in a stupid attempt to get some info out of a sex criminal for another case he made a call on his behalf to what the felon claimed was his daughter. Turns it was one of his former victims and the last thing she needed was her rapist calling her up while in prison.Should have been suspended right there. If anything he is a example of a good officer damaged by his profession. Yes, he has done good and will do it again but sometimes people just need to get pulled off the line.
>>22844118No one who uses that amount of unnecessary force gets away like Stabler does.Also Law & Order SVU is too much focused on the "Law" side(cops) and too little on the "Order" side(prosecutors) which annoys me to hell and back, as Jack McCoy was one of my favorite characters to watch in the original series>Law & Order SVU is a history of an angry cop vs Internal Affairs
>>22843926Do you people not remember Dragnet?Because for all the "this is what cops REALLY do" the fact is Joe Friday and his various partners did the whole wry sarcasm thing, as well as actual police work.And they would actually get calls on things that weren't murders. because, y'know, there are crimes other than murder.Law And Order was the first cop show to acknowledge the District Attorney's role in law enforcement, but the first two seasons of L&O were very, very similar to old Dragnet.
>>22844118All the more reason for him to be working Burglaries or something.Although my understanding is that real police departments routinely rotate people out of sex crimes and similar sections, since spending years working cases involving victimized children takes a psychological toll. Why the fuck is this man still on active duty in cases with children, and not at home on anti-psychotics?
>>22843926>Sorry friend but that would be The Wire, or even more so, it's predecessor Homicide.Both those shows debuted after L&O.
“So you made all this cheese yourself?” the human with the glass eye looked genuinely impressed. The halfling smiled.“Well, yes, I did. And I was here the whole time Monday last week too. Now I am horribly busy, so if there isn't anything I can help you with, I am afraid I must ask you to leave.”The human detective looked at him, and smiled.“Of course. Just one last question. Why are you talking about Monday? The newspapers clearly states the murder happened on Sunday morning. Of course, a cold place like this cheese cellar would cool the body down, making the initial autopsy indicate her demise on Sunday.”
>Listener of Dark Brotherhood>Guildmaster of Thieves Guild>Leader of the Companions>Archmage of the College of Winterhold>Dovakiin>Champion of every Daedric Prince>Savior of Skyrim and Solstheim> Thane of all holds...."let me guess, somebody stole your sweetroll...(you big pussy)"
>>22845531I need a mod that just totally removes the concept of crime from the game, so that I could just smite fuckers like that without consequences.
>>22845531How is this related at all to this thread? I don't get it.
>>22846275>>22835810>>22835927>>22836118lern 2 red plz
>>22846304Oh, my bad, I thought the entire skyrim thing was in another thread.
>>22834668Anger and repressed sexuality
>>22834731>I want to do a dramatic reading of this in my best nior voice. Do it.
>>228478713 from me.
>>22846487I'll do my best....as soon as i have the time that is.
This thread is so good.
>>22842487Do you even Porridge? Do you even British comedy from between 1950 and 2000?
>>22847963Well i did my best. Sorry for poor quality audio, I dont have the best microphone.>http://vocaroo.com/i/s1RWt73Cj45Q
So I need to throw my hat in the ring too, now. It wasn't the first time I'd woken up in an alley with nothing in my pockets but the greasy fingerprints of the thugs that had rolled me, and it wouldn’t be the last. Some knucklehead's fat gold ring had left a maker's mark on the bruise that was blossoming on my jaw, and the staccato pounding going on in the background of my head brought to mind the sound of the hammers in the forge I'd just been thrown out of. I was going to have to go back there eventually, to get the answers I needed. The case was shaping up to be doozy. I'd gotten the call at a quarter past six three days earlier— some dame on the line, the way it always is. Voice soft like a summer breeze, but choked up with something that sounded trouble. “I need help,” she'd said. “There's no one else to turn to.” When a woman says those words with that tone it's like a kick in the ribs from my father, the chivalric old bastard. But he's been dead for ten years, and these days I've learned not to say 'how high' when a dame says 'Jump!' You only get trouble that way. It wasn't until she mentioned a figure that I pricked up my ears. She was staying on the Street of the Tinsmiths, she said. I'd be right over, I said. I didn't make it that far.
>>22850190The evening came early on the wings of a stiff wind that blew in cloud cover from over the west. It gets dark early that time of the year in Marrowport, and the inclement weather brewing up had the brim of my at pulled low and my collar turned up against the chill in the air. I didn't the two goons who grabbed me until it was too late, and then they'd hauled me off the street and into the shadow of a farrier's shop. They were the ugliest pair of gorillas I'd ever seen— two dwarves in ironshod boots and chainmail suspenders over thick leather jerkins. They had more metal braided into their beards than I'd gone to the war wearing, and I'd been one of the better equipped ones, for all it had been worth. “What's this about—” I started to ask, before the squatter of the two drove his fist into my gut. “I'll do the talking here,” came a voice, and out of the shadows across from me stepped a third little rock-slugger in a pinstriped breastplate. Bespoke. He was chewing on the end of a fat cigar that puffed acrid purple smoke into the air between us.
>>22850214“Now I don't know how you're connected with the little lady staying at the sign of the Open Cask, but let me give you some free advice, gratis.” He leaned in. It only brought his face closer to my chest, so he leaned out again. “You stay outta her business. You'll only get hurt. And take it from me— we won't even be the only ones hurting you.” He flicked cigar ash at me and grinned. I was going to feed him his coarse black beard if I could. “Now howsabout we leave you to think that? I'm confident you'll make the right choice.” He gestured with his cigar, and his thugs released me. “I'll know either way,” he said, and tapped the side of his hooked nose. His eyes glowed briefly with purple light. “So don't go thinking about my beard when you outta be considering your options.” He stepped back, and then was gone. Some kind of teleport spell, but I wasn't a wizard. I'd be needing help on this one, if I took the case. His thugs gave me one last threatening glare each, and stomped out of the alleyway.
>>22850231 I'd gotten my breath back by then, and it wasn't difficult to find my way to the sign of the Open Cask. My thoughts kept treading over the same ground as I walked, and the rain that had been threatening finally decided to piss itself out of the grey clouds in fits and drizzles. Who were those dwarves? And what did they have to do with my mystery lady on the other end of the phone? How had they known I was on my way? The psion? Maybe. I shuddered a little at that, wondered what else he'd gotten, beyond my burning desire for him to taste wet beard and choke on it. I hoped he didn't have anything he could hold over me, at least. I didn't like the thought of him with that kind of leverage, and there were things in my past that'd more than fit the bill. I haven't always been the upstanding citizen I am today.
>>22850246I shook my head to clear it when I reached the sign of the Open Cask. It was an old run down tavern where she'd said it would be, near where the Street of the Tinsmiths T-bone's into Maester's Way. The sign was dilapidated but intelligible. I went in without wiping my feet. Inside fresh sawdust covered the floor. The rain had kept all but the hardest drinkers away— nobody but dwarves or the depressed there knocking back flagons or throwing darts or axes at the target painted on the rough wall. “Oakshot Brandy, neat,” I told the man behind the thick-hewn plank that served as a counter. He poured and I swallowed, liquor rough in my throat like a battlecry. It been a long time since I'd let any of those pass my lips. Of the two, the liquor was better for my health. “Know anything about the dame in the fourth room upstairs?” I asked, indicating he should pour me another. “Not a thing,” he said, “But that she pays on time, and with the Mountain King's coin. Keeps to herself. You know the type.” I did. She sounded like trouble. But she'd offered a number of gold coins that had made my hair curl, and I needed the money. Cases had been thin on the ground the past little while. And for the little while before that, too.
>>22844070>Stabler is a menace to societyNo, he's a stone cold badass who gets shit done. You probably don't like him because he hunts you and your deviant friends, but that's why normal people like him. >unnecessary forcePussy.
Sam Vimes is best fantasy copper.
>>22850256 I climbed the rickety wooden stairs listening to every creak on the way up. Anybody with ears on the top floor knew I was coming. I wondered if she'd picked a second floor room just for that warning. I found her door at the end of the short hall, and knocked. There was a soft sound like a carefully placed foot behind the cedar planks, and then that voice said “Mr. Isselcrest, is that you?” I answered in the affirmative and she opened the door. “Oh thank the gods you're here,” she exclaimed, and I had to look up to see her face. Way up. She towered over me— green skin and little fangs telling me half-orc, while the tight, cream-cloured tunic she wore told me I shouldn't be straining my neck to get a look at her face while there were more interesting things at eye level. I had to take a step back. “You'd better come in,” she said. “I'll explain everything— why I called you, and what I need you to do for me.” “Better not,” I said. “I think your flat is being scryed.” That was when I knew I'd take the case. What I wouldn't do for a girl who looked like she could push me around.
>this threadJust reminds me about a story I started for nanowrimo, only got a bit written for and haven't touched since.It was about a Japanese-American detective shortly after WWII. He has to deal with prejudice from most everyone except his partner, and that all of his remaining family lived in Nagasaki except for his younger cousin, who's being released from an internment camp. He also to find a serial killer and whoever's escalating vandalism against his house.His main moral conflict is whether he identifies as Japanese or American, using a samurai warrior and Captain America as symbols representing each.
>>22850548She got a panicky look on her face when I told her, but she didn't try to go back inside for anything, and only asked “Where can we go?” I couldn't help but picture her perched on the edge of my desk in looking at me with those brown eyes, and my mouth said “My office” before my brain caught up to what it was doing. If I'd been thinking with the more useful of my heads, I never would have done it. We took the long way back to the office to avoid the alley where I got jumped by the goons from earlier , but even so it wasn't long before I was unlocking the door to the little office I keep, up the back stairs from the butcher's shop off Ratcatcher's Plaza. The rain hadn't gotten much harder, the dame had known better than to go back into her rooms for a cloak, and she was already getting wetter than I'm sure she liked. I didn't mind it so much, but I didn't have all night to stand around admiring the view.
>>22850908Inside it was warmer and drier, and peeled of my wet cloak and shook the rain from my hat. The dame stood just inside the door, shivering, and I had to get a blanket from the cot I kept in the corner before she would sit down. I wrapped her in it and then pulled a half-empty bottle of the good stuff from behind the headboard where the cleaning gnome wouldn't find. I poured her a measure and she took it wordlessly. Finally, mustering the will to get over her chill the shock of sudden departure, she began to speak. “Mr. Isselcrest, I'm afraid I'm in some trouble,” she said. “I'll say,” I interupted. “Two goons decided to rough me up on my way over to see you, just for taking your call. I'm pretty certain they were scrying your place. What are you into with a gang of dwarfs? I think their boss was a psion— You got something in your head they want?” Her eyes went wide at that. “You ran into... Oh. Oh, no.” She blinked a few times, long lashes fluttering against her pale green cheek. Then she smiled sweetly, like getting slugged had been my mistake, but she wasn't going to hold it against me.
>>22850936“Those three work for my father,” she said. “He's protective, but I don't need his help with this. He must have decided you were a shady character. There something in YOUR head I should know about?” There was a thought involving scented oils on her green skin, but it wasn't relevant, and anyway, I wasn't so besotted I couldn't spot the deflection. I wasn't buying her story, but if she was buying my time I'd take it like she gave it until I had a better reason to press her for more on the dwarves. There were other angles I could for the moment. “You needed help enough to call me up, but you don't want Daddy involved in whatever it is? Is it a scandal? Let me guess— pictures of you and some good-for-nothing. Or am I off the mark? Is it theft?”
>>22850954Shall I carry on, or am I infringing too much on Rolo-anon's territory?
>>22851011continue on, but thanks for clarifying you are not Rolo
>>22851245Alright then.>>22850954She flushed a darker shade of emerald at that, and held up a hand to stave of my guesses. That was fine— there wasn't much behind them. I'd only wanted to rattle her a little. Enough to get the truth, hopefully, but I wasn't too hopeful. “What, then?” I asked. “What kind of trouble are you in that you offered me the figure you did without haggling, and can't get Daddy involved?” “It's complicated,” she said. “Isn't it always,” I replied. “Now what sob story have you got for me?” “It's... a friend,” She said, clutching my blanket around her shoulders. “She's disappeared. She owes me some money, and—” I cut her off. “I'm no leg-breaker,” I said. “I can find her for you, no trouble. But I'm not helping you shake her down to get your allowance back. I don't rough up anybody that hasn't slugged me first, and I don't rough up dames. If that's your play, doll, then you can walk right back out into the rain, and keep your retainer.” “No, no! Nothing like that,” she said. “I don't care about the money. It's Daddy— he's awefully mad that I agreed to lend her a little, and I don't want him to find her before I do— he can be so... I mean, I don't think he'd hurt her, but...” I got it. Half-orc girl like her, there had to be a monster somewhere in the family tree. I still remembered the war, when a thousand savages with painted skin and bones in their hair had come charging towards our lines. I still had the scars. “Alright, alright,” I said, pulling out a notebook. “What's this friend's name? And your father's. Come to think of it, what's yours? You never got a chance to tell me.” “Her name's Cordelia Willowkin. She's an elf— she lives on Mill Street. Daddy's Gormog Drakk, and I'm Uthanka.” She smiled. Her little tusks gleamed white. “So you'll take the case, then?” I shrugged. “That much money, I'd be a fool not to. How can you afford that much?”
>>22851011Rolo-anon here. You're doing awesome and I feel inadequate. Keep posting.
>>22852027did i really do ok?
>>22850292are you /k/?can I get your autograph?
>>22851972You flatter me, sir.>>22851658 “That's not important,” she said. Like hell it wasn't. “But if you need an assurance, here.” She pulled my notebook out of my hand with strong fingers, and then my pen. She tore out a sheet and wrote on it for a minute, and then handed everything back. The note was for five hundred gold pieces at the Imperial Bank, and she'd signed it at the bottom. Her handwriting was neater than mine. “And if that isn't enough, they can tell you there that I'm good for the rest of the sum I offered earlier.” I swallowed hard around the exclamation of greed that was welling up in my throat. “Tell me more about this Cordelia Willowkin,” Is said once I'd stopped calculating the fastest way to the bank. “What makes you say she's disappeared?” She looked down at her hands for a moment, and I took that as an opportunity to refill the glass they were wrapped around. She'd stopped shaking now that she had warmed up a bit, but it never hurt to loosen a client's tongue a little. “Cordelia's a librarian at the Bardic College in the city,” she said. “She was so proud when she got the job— she doesn't have bardic magic herself, but she knows every song, and they finally let her work in the library after she recited all four hundred verses of The Ballad of Captain Hacklebrever to one of the court minstrels when she caught him in public. She's never missed a day of work. Only now she hasn't been there for three days.” She lapsed into silence, eyes downcast. “I'm worried, Mr. Isselcrest.”
>>22852312“What about family,” I said, pen scratching in my notebook. “How come no one else is looking for her? Is any one else looking for her?” She shook her head. “She has no family— war orphan, like a lot of people. And she doesn't have many friends. I met her at charity event, when Daddy donated some money to the College, and we hit it off. But her work took up most of her time. She was restoring a lot of the older books in the library after-hours. It was—is— her passion.” I nodded. War orphan— that would have put her at less than ten, if it was the latest war. With her an elf, it probably wasn't. “And is there any reason you can think of for her to disappear? Dissatisfaction at the college? Run away with a new beau? Anybody want to hurt her?” She shook her head again. “I can't think of anything.” I sighed. “Is there any way you can help me here? I don't have a lot to go on.” “There is this,” she said. “It's the spare key to her flat.” She handed me a square-cut iron key, of dwarf make. “And I can give you the address. She should have a key for her office at the library at home, too. I can tell you which one it is if I see it. If she hasn't taken it. If she... If she isn't...” Her shoulders shook gently. “There, there,” I said, patting her shoulder awkwardly and wishing I could crush her to me and kiss those tears away. “I'll find her. Don't you worry. I'll head over there in the morning. Now... where are you going to sleep? I still think those goons are scrying your rooms at the Open Cask, even if they are working for your father.” “Could I... Could I stay here?” she said, and there were tears at the corners of her brown eyes. I fell like a sucker. “Sure,” I said. “And you can take the cot.” I didn't get that much sleep that night. The chair wasn't comfortable, and I was too busy watching the door, or watching her breathing in the night.
>>22852243If you think you can do it man. Just don't try to do the dame's voice, for your own sake.
>>22852357Yeah, it does kind of bother my throat. But that little bit of rhasp makes it so much more -nior-.Real hard boiled sounding.
>>22852323 I was almost out the door the next morning when I heard her rustling the cot's sheets behind me. I turned to look and she caught my eye as she sat up. “Are you on your way to Cordelia's?” She said. “I want to come.” I wasn't about to argue, with her looking at me with sleep-lidded eyes and bed-tousled hair. I'd have to wash her smell out of my sheets if I ever wanted a decent night's sleep at the office again. “Sure,” I said. “You want to go somewhere and change first? You're still in yesterday's clothes.” “I've got clothes at Cordelia's— I can change there,” she said. That was curious. She caught my frown, and scratched her head sheepishly. I admired her leanly muscled arms as she did. “I stay at her place sometimes, after Daddy and I fight,” she said. “He can be so bull-headed sometimes, I just need to get away.” “Sure,” I said again. “I know the feeling.” If my father could have seen me spend the night in the same room as an unmarried woman, there'd have been words between us too. I ducked outside while she washed as best she could with the water in the basin I kept there for my own use, and then locked up when she came out looking a little less rumpled. Cordelia's flat was a tiny little thing at the back of a boarding house two blocks from the College. I talked to the landlord briefly on the way in. Cordelia had been keeping the same room for forty years— since before the old owner had died in the war and passed the place on to his son. She'd never missed her rent, had never caused a fuss. He pointed us to her room. “Anybody else come looking for her?” I said, going for the longshot. The landlord's face went slack for a moment, and his eye twitched. “No,” he said, after a couple seconds, face normal again. “You two are the first.” I followed Uthanka down the hall, already knowing what I'd find.
>>22852831The door was open when we got there. The place had been trashed. Uthanka gasped and covered her face with her hands. Furniture was upended, books torn apart, clothes strewn across the floor. “Find your threads and get changed quick,” I said. “I'll look around.” She nodded mutely. There was the stub of a cigar in a pile of purple ash on the writing desk against one wall, and I knew my hunch about the landlord had been right. Psionic memory overwrite. That fucking dwarf. I knew it had been recent, too, or the tick would have faded. “We're not going back to the office after this,” I called to Uthanka, who had scooped some clothes off the floor and was changing in the wreckage of the bedroom. “I'm pretty sure they were scrying there, too. I think that's how they got this address— they can't have been through earlier than last night. Any idea what they were looking for?” “No,” she said, stepping back out of the bedroom. “They came by last night? Then they didn't take her.” Her relief was palpable, but it was going to have to be short lived. “Your Daddy's dwarves did this, sweetheart. Is there anything you're not telling me? Why does he want her so badly? It can't just be because she owes you.” “I don't know,” she said, shaking her head. “He only met her twice.” “Maybe his goons, then. How do you know they don't work for someone else on the side, or on their own initiative from time to time? I'm not seeing anything to link this librarian to the kinds of toughs who do this for a living, unless the link is through your father.” “I don't know,” she said again, and this time it was more than half sob. “I just don't know.” “That's fine,” I said. “Shhh. We'll work it out.” I didn't want her to look at me that way again—like I'd kicked her.
>>22853212“We'll drop by her office, see what we can see. Is the key still around here?” “Here,” she said, and handed it over. She was still sniffling a little, but her hurt look wasn't aimed at me anymore. “It was in the flowerpot outside her window. But please, can I... can I stay here a little while? I want to try and clean this mess up a little.” She'd mostly gotten her colour back, and those three dwarves probably wouldn't be back any time soon. “Alright,” I said. “I'll get someone at the library to show me to her office. I'll say I'm nephew-in-law or something. I'll come back here when I'm done, and tell you what I find.” She beamed at me, and I almost forgot my name. “Thank you, she said, and wrapped her arms around me for a minute. My face was pressed into the confines of her chest for all of a moment, and ten I was free and she was fidgeting with the hem of her shirt, looking down. “Sorry,” she said. “Don't mention it, kid.” I said. “I'll see you around.” I would be, in my dreams if no where else. This dame was dangerous— a man could be convinced to stand in front of an arrow for a woman like that, and enjoy every minute of it. I left without saying goodbye.
>>22853225The college was only two blocks away form the remains of Cordelia Willowkin's flat, but I only made it one before a featureless black carriage pulled up alongside me and the driver said “Get in.” “Who's asking?” I said. “You ain't bein' asked,” said the driver. “Get in or the watch shows up at yer office door with handcuffs and cudgels.” “So who's threatening?” I said. “Get in an' see fer yerself,” said the driver. I got in. The carriage had no windows. I could feel it when the driver took a sharp corner, or when he braked the horses, but I couldn't see and didn't know where we were going. When we finally stopped for good it took a minute for me to realize we weren't just waiting at another intersection. When it dawned on me I leaned over to open the door, only for it to be yanked open by somebody outside, wrenching my arm. Then a mailed fist struck me across the brow, and everything went dark.
>>22853651 When I came to I was tied to a chair in a dark room. Dim light filtered in through a high window and cast me in a pool of illumination. I had a pounding headache and a black eye. Standing across from me was a tall man with broad shoulders. He dressed like a noble, and carried himself like one too. We were alone. Somebody behind me smacked the back of my head. Ah. No, we weren't. “Shouldn't you buy me dinner before taking me back to your place?” I asked. “I'm not one of your cheap dockside girls you know.” The lug behind me cuffed me again. My ears were ringing, but I grinned. “Let me guess,” I said. “You're after the librarian too. Well I got nothing for you. Your goon picked me up before I had a chance to follow up any leads. Those birds have probably flown the coop by now, so I'd say both our chances of finding her are pretty slim right now. How about we have this conversation later?”
>>22853663 The man facing me frowned. “I have no idea what you're talking about” he said. “And I don't care. My agents report seeing my daughter leaving your office in a state of... I'll be generous and call it deshabille. If you touch her again I'll have Eirik here cut off your hands.” “Hold on,” I said. “YOU'RE Gormog Drakk? You're not an orc.” “I took the name when I married my daughter's mother,” he said. “Before that I was Sylvester Sharpe, and if you've made it as long as you have in the career you have, you'll know I'm serious about your hands.” That name I knew. Sharpe had been a prominent noble at court for a couple years during the war. When it had ended, he'd had his title revoked after it had come to light that he'd been blackmailing some other peers of the realm, and dipping his fingers in racketeering and extortion with his tennants. He was supposed to be connected to all the wrong people. I was swimming with the big fish now, and most of them were sharks. “So let me get this straight,” I said. “You're not after the librarian.” “Hit him again,” Said Sharpe-turned-Drakk. Eirik hit me. I hasted copper coins in the back of my throat. “Okay, okay,” I said. “I won't touch her. I haven't touched her and I'll continue to not touch her, and you can get your stunty little psion in here to tell you I'm telling the truth.” Drakk's face didn't change. “Don't hit him quite so hard this time,” he said. “He's still talking nonsense from the first time.” The beating continued until I blacked out again.
>>22853683There will be more of this, but at the moment I need a short break and a bite to eat. I'll be around, but I won't be writing anything for a little bit.In the meantime, Noir-voice-anon, how's Rolo part II coming?
>>22853683 When I came to this time it was to see a different Drakk looking down at me, concern evident in her eyes. “You're trouble,” I said groggily, and sat up. I'd been lying with my head in her lap, and I had to clear that thought out of it along with the cobwebs my recent unconsciousness had left behind. “What happened?” she asked, voice gentle, and it was all I could do not to put my head right back where I'd found it when I woke up, and let her stroke my hair. “Your father happened, and then he happened again harder. I feel like I've been chewed on by a troll. Your family is vicious, princess, and you didn't tell me who they were. Daddy dearest thinks I took advantage of your virtue, and doesn't like me very much. He was more than happy to let a mutilation or two carry his point further if I didn't get the first time.” She turned her gaze away at my reproach, and I didn't let up. She'd been lying to me from the start, and I wanted answers. “That's not the only thing you didn't tell me though, is it?” I said. “I know Beardylocks and the Two Goons don't work for your father like you said— don't lie again, I know they don't, or that gods bedamned psion would have been rooting around in my brain while I was strapped to your father's chair. So tell it to me straight this time— who do they work for, and what do they want with your librarian? I don't say your friend, because for all I know that's a lie too, and I'm not being paid enough to be lied to.”
>>22854106She was silent for a minute, and then she turned to face me again, eyes brimming with tears. “I'm sorry I lied— really I am— but I... I was so afraid you wouldn't agree to help me— even for all that money!— if you'd known who my father was.” She clutched at the collar of my shirt with strong hands that trembled despite their strength. “And about the dwarves... You should stay away from them. I don't know what they're into, but Cordelia knew. I didn't want you to get hurt if you went after them— that's why I said they worked for Father. It would have been my fault if you'd been injured following a lead I gave you. I know they ransacked Cordelia's flat. She IS my friend, and I AM worried about her. But I don't think they had anything to do with her vanishing— they're looking for her too.” Now her lower lip was trembling. “Please... please don't hate me. I still need your help. Now more than ever! And I'll pay you double— triple what I promised. Just don't leave me to find her by myself. Please.” And she drew my face up to hers and kissed me on the mouth. She tasted expensive, like jasmine and cinnamon. I'd only ever tasted either once, at a banquet one of the generals threw, after the war. Tasting them again now, and the faintly salty taste of person underneath, I could almost forget the beatings I'd taken. I winced when she slid her hand along my jaw, but then was pulling me again, bodily this time, and she was strong like I'd pictured. I went with her— I didn't even know where we were, and I went with her, and the bed she pulled me to was soft and narrow and smelled like she did. She kissed me again, and I forgot everything.
>>22854482 I woke before she did, and dressed fast. I'd just done what Ormog Drakk— Sylvester Sharpe— had warned me not to do, and as much as I'd enjoyed it, I also enjoyed having both of my hands. Especially if I was going to get the chance to wrap them around that psion's thick throat at some point. I just might, too, but first I wanted a chat with him. So far he was the only one who'd been completely straight with me, even of I hadn't liked what he'd had to say. He hadn't even beaten me that soundly, either. He was moving up in my esteem. But to find him I'd need help. It was time to visit an old war buddy. Exploring a little, I discovered I was in a little flat overlooking the river. I didn't recognise the address, didn't know who owned it, didn't know how Uthanka had gotten me there after my beating— didn't know how she'd gotten a hold of me after my beating, now that I thought about it. More questions I'd have to put to her. Later, though. I wanted to run down this lead now, while I could do it without her interference. I made a note of the address, and jotted a quick message for her on a slip of paper I found lying around. “Gone out after a lead. I'll be back here in the evening. We have to talk. Isselcrest.” Short and to the point. Like the knife I felt playing against my wrist when I pictured her father. Why could it never be simple?
>>22854499The friend I wanted to get in touch with was a half-elf named Darrow Ast. We'd served together in Duke Vristos's army during the war. I'd been a pikeman, and he'd been our company's sorcerer. We'd bonded in the trenches while the hordes of the orc chieftain Guuralash had howled and charged our lines, and when the war had ended we'd kept in touch. He was my consultant whenever a case needed a little magical expertise, and I was happy to throw a few coins his way whenever I could pay him for his work. Gods knew he needed it. I found him at his home, near the sea-docks. It was a ramshackle little cottage held together more by magic than by nails, at that point. He rarely left it anymore. I didn't bother knocking. He'd know who it was. “Darrow,” I said, when stepped inside. The place smelled musty. “How've you been?” He looked up from his seat in the armchair that he both ate and slept in. “I've been better,” he said, and he wasn't lying. Darrow had lost his left leg from the mid-thigh down when an orc berserker had made it through the wall of pikes with his colossal axe firmly in hand. He taken on in the chest and another in the gut, but he'd broken off the shafts and then come in swinging. Darrow had been one of the lucky ones— three men had died before we'd even known what was happening. The orc went down, but Darrow was short a leg for his part in it. The clerics were able to stop the bleeding and seal the wound, but the captain had wanted his sorcerer back in action immediately, and Darrow had never been given a chance to heal properly. We'd left our captain on the field, dead of a pike to back for his incompetence during the war, but it hadn't done a thing to bring Darrow's leg back. Consulting for me was about the only work he got these days.
>>22854850 “Listen,” I said. “I've got a job for you. I need a line run down— two scryings. One on my office and one on the tavern at the sign of the Open Cask. You know it? Good. Can you tell me where they were cast? They should be pretty fresh, or at least the one on my office should be. The other one might have been around for a while. I'll pay you double the usual fee.” “No problem, Fritz,” he said. He gestured with the staff he used as a crutch. “Come back in half an hour or so, I'll have a location for you. But listen, you've got a bug on you right now. You want I should bump it?” That pulled me up short. Who was keeping tabs on me? The dwarves? “Yeah, go ahead,” I said. “But first can you tell me whose bug it is?” “Sure thing, boss,” he said. “The trail goes inland, to the ritzy neighbourhoods. I figure around Heddalcourt Way, or thereabouts.” “Scrub it,” I said. “And scrub it hard.” Heddalcourt Way was where Sylvester Sharpe had had his estate before he'd disappeared from the public eye and become Gormog Drakk. I was willing to bet my fee that he was still using some of the facilities there under his new name, and if it was his bug on me, then it had been on me since I'd left his tender care. Which meant he'd seen me in the sack with his daughter, and I'd be short a few hands if he caught up with me. Triple the price Uthanka had promised was starting to sound like not enough.
>>22855016“I'll be back in half an hour, then.” I said. “If some goons show up looking for their snuffed thread, you can tell them I skipped town when I was finished here.” “Are you skipping town?” he asked. “No,” I said. “Because I'd hate to see the back of you,” he said. “You owe me money.” “I'll owe you more than that if you tell them I'm gone,” I said. “If they find me you'll be seeing the insides of me.” I left him chuckling on his armchair, getting ready to work his magic. I'd seen the insides of him once, and the war had given him a sick enough sense of humour that he found the thought of turnabout amusing. I let him laugh. Gods knew, he needed to.
>>22855024Alright, I need to sleep pretty soon. If this thread isn't here in the morning is it worth making another one to finish this? I don't know how much more of it there will be, but if I had to guess I'd say we're maybe halfway done.
>>22855043Rolo-anon here. I'm probably making one tomorrow to give part 2 in the Case of the Dark Angel. Mayhap we should start these fantasy noir threads once a week? Cause you write like a fair maiden looks anon, mighty fine.
>>22855116You flatterer, you. But yeah, I'd be okay with doing this more often. You're pretty good yourself. I'll find your thread tomorrow, then, and we can both finish our stories. I think I'll pastebin mine when it's done, or maybe make a pdf.
>>22855152Golly. I can't do all that stuff. I'm just going to post it on /tg/. It should be coming around nightfall, EST. You think we'll have to tripfag?
>>22823971This is actually a think. Trial and Terror: Supernatural Victims Unit. Warning, link is directly a PDF http://dig1000holes.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/trial-and-terror-svu-free-edition-v2.pdf
>>22855191Don't know. I've never had to before, but I don't write for /tg/ all that often. Might be safest, but I don't imagine trolls wanting to screw up noir. I'll think about it. Anyway, catch you all tomorrow.
>>22824276Uh, Ms. Tree...?
>>22823971Oh man I love that Law & Order: SVU show. Its so deluded and american.Like that episode thats point was that trannies are insane and female lawyers are incompetent.Or that other one where being gay means you're inherently prone to being violent.Or where there are millions of pedophiles world wide and the pedo guy literally says "Good never wins, detective."
>>22859530But trannies are insane. "I know I'm reallyreallyreally a woman, so cut off my dick and balls, please."Yeah, that's sane.
>>22860009Way to completely miss a point of an actual illness, you're like a polish politician.
>>22855024 I had half an hour to kill, and I had an idea of how to kill it. Gormog Drakk had said his agents had seen me and Uthanka at my office— seen us with their own eyes, it had sounded like. Which meant he'd been having her followed. We hadn't done anything since then that might slip a tail, so it was a safe bet that those hidden watchers were still watching. And if they'd been watching Uthanka this whole time, then chances were they'd seen me leave the riverside flat where I'd left her sleeping. There was probably someone hugging my shadow now. I'd just shaken one eye on me— time to shake another. I cut through the dockside market without a destination in mind, stopping now and then at a stall hawking fried squid-on-a-stick or crappy wooden carvings of fish, or whatever other detritus the dock people made and sold to keep themselves that hair's breadth from abject poverty. It took me a little while but I finally spotted my shadow, six stalls back and across the narrow track. He was a broad shouldered mook in a cheap cloak that still wasn't as shabby as most of what the docksiders wore, and the only thing that had kept him from sticking out like dwarf's nose the minute I'd entered the market was the mob of vendors he'd gotten wedged behind when he'd tried to follow me. Now that he was clear of them he was plain as day. I moved on, deeper into the market, and then ducked between to stalls and disappeared when I was sure he wasn't looking.
>>22861731I waited, and didn't have to wait long. He came ambling up to where he'd lost me, looking left and right, and I popped up from behind a stack of threadbare rugs and gave him a goodnight tap to the back of the head with a cast iron skillet. He went down like a sack of potatoes. “Here,” I said, handing the skillet back to the fish-frier I'd borrowed it from. “You probably won't have to grease it again for the next one.” I grabbed my tail under the armpits and hauled him into an alley, heading deeper into the tangle of streets that was Dockside. I wanted to know what he knew, but it probably wasn't much, and I needed to get back to Darrow's, and to tell Uthanka to move again— Her father might already know where she was staying. I left my goon to sleep it off under an open window. It was fifty-fifty he'd wake before somebody decided to empty their chamber pot without looking. I figured those were worse odds than he deserved for just doing his job, but I didn't feel too badly about it. If you're following somebody, you've gotta expect that sometimes they'll lead you into the shit. I wondered if Uthanka had woken up yet, and what she was leading me into.
>>22861739Darrow had a name for me when I got back to his place: The Roaring Forge. Dwarf run smithy, across town— decent gear, if you could pay for it. It sounded like my psion and his goons were connected there, which made me wonder what else the joint traded in, in the back rooms, where the regular kind of customer couldn't get a peek. Made me wonder how a librarian from the Bardic College was involved, too. It was getting complicated, and I wasn't sure how to untangle it. I had leads to run down, though— this new address, and the office I still hadn't visited at the library. Across the rooftops, the bells started ringing in one of the cathedrals on the river. Noon. No way Uthanka was still asleep— I flattered myself, but I hadn't tired her out that much— and she'd be wondering where I was. I'd said I'd be back by evening in my note, but there was the matter of the tail I'd just shaken to warn her about. If I went back now, though, I wouldn't be able to leave again without bringing her along— did I want her at my elbow when I visited The Roaring Forge, or Cordelia's office? I still didn't quite trust, even after the night we'd spent together. Maybe even less, actually. She wasn't as innocent as she made out. I turned my feet towards the Roaring Forge, and tried not to worry about her. It was harder than I'd thought it would be.
>>22861748The Roaring Forge was a squat stone building on the sunny side of the street, uphill from the docks and across the river from Darrow's place. The door was propped open when I got there, and the reason why became obvious when I stepped inside. Even with the cold autumn air trying to blow in, the forge was hot. A trickle of sweat formed under my collar, and I shifted a little, uncomfortably. I didn't recognize the dwarf behind the counter, but he recognized me. “Go on through,” he said, gesturing to the curtained doorway that lead from the shop part of the joint into the forge proper. “The boss is expecting you.” I wasn't expecting him, but I went. I'd come here for answers— maybe I was going to get them. Or maybe I was going to get another beating. Either way, I had to follow this through to where it lead. I was running short on clues. There were half a dozen dwarves in the forge area, stripped to their shirtsleeves and shovelling coal, or pounding on hot metal with massive hammers. One of the smiths looked up when I entered, and the red light of the forge made his face harsh. He jerked his thumb over his shoulder, and I followed it to another curtained door with my eyes. I looked back at him for confirmation, but his head was down again and he'd gone back to his hammer and tongs. I was sweating even harder now. I shrugged and went through the door. The back room had been set up like an office— a dwarf sized desk took up most of the space, and there were chairs scattered around the periphery. Blueprints for armour and weapons were pinned to the walls here and there, and shipping manifests, gods knew what else. It didn't look shady, but I knew something was. You don't rough up guys in alleys if you're on the up and up.
>>22861762 The psion was sitting behind the desk, feet up, smoking another of his fat cigars. His two goons stood behind him. He gestured to a chair, and his eyes flared purple. “Siddown,” he said, and my body sat before I could parse a reply. “No need for that heavy handed stuff,” I said, leaning back in my chair when I had control over my body again. “I came here to talk.” “So talk,” said the psion. “You were right,” I said. “I've been beat on more the past three days than I particularly care for, and your beating was gentle compared to what I've been catching from other quarters. But I've already taken the dame's money, see, so I'm kind of on the hook here. Maybe we can help each other out.” “No you haven't,” he said. “You've still got her note in your pocket, and you haven't seen as much as a copper half-piece for your trouble so far. So what are you really after, if it isn't the money?” I shrugged. “Why don't you tell me, you're in my head so much. And while you're at it, I've got another question for you. Why'd the girl tell me you worked for her father? I mean, really? I know it wasn't for my health like she said.”
>>22861769He grinned. “I'll tell you that if you'll tell me everything you know about the girl you're looking for— the elf from the college.” He flicked cigar ash into the pewter ashtray on his desk. “I thought you wanted me out of it,” I said. “What changed your mind?” “The notion that we might change yours,” he said, and he pulled a jingling sack out of his breastplate and threw it across the desk at me. I caught it, and felt the hard outlines of coins through the thin leather, heard the clink of platinum on platinum. I put it down carefully on the edge of the desk. “That'd be a lot of money if you were buying a duchy,” I said. “Paying me that is almost obscene. What is it you're trying to get me to do? And how come you don't just brain me into doing it?” “Because I don't need another meat puppet,” he said, and he frowned. “And I want you to keep doing what you're doing, but for me.” “I'll think about it,” I said. He snarled behind his beard. “You're already thinking about it, and you're thinking the answer's no. Don't try to pull one over on me, I'm in your fucking head. You're thinking you're gonna go back to your half-orc girl and tell her she's being followed, and you're thinking you're gonna skip town together.” His eyes were glowing purple again, and blood was starting to trickle from his nose. “You're thinking the real reason I don't force you is because I can't, and you’re thinking my nosebleed proves it.” He laughed, a short, harsh laugh. “And you're fucking right about that,” he said, and the glow faded from his eyes. One of his goons handed him a hankie, and he wiped the blood from his moustache. “I overdid it there. I'll tell ya this, though, and I'll tell it to ya for free: She ain't being followed— you are.”
>>22861784“What are you talking about,” I said, voice flat. “Her and her old man are playing you,” he said, suddenly tired. “I don't know their game, but I warned ya to stay out if it, didn't I? And you just didn't fucking listen. You think you're a knight in shining armour 'cause you came back from the war in one piece. Well, we'll see what that gets you. But frankly, I don't actually care. You're already in it, and now you're in it for me. If the bribe won't do it, it'll have to be the threat. And let me tell ya, this one's a doozy: I know all your little secrets.” I swallowed. “I'd wondered,” I said. He snorted, purple smoke puffing from his nostrils. “I know you did,” he said. “And I know you're wondering which secret I'm gonna hold over you, so let me spell it out for you. Your captain, in the war? You stuck him in the back and deserted. I'd have done the same thing, but it's not me in the hot seat, so I guess that's not much of a consolation. I know where his family is, and I know they'd be more'n happy to settle up with you, and with your crippled buddy by the docks. That's threat one. Threat two is this: I'll kill your girl. Not the one you're following around town, either— she'll do you in on her own, you let her. I don't like, but I'm not gonna touch her. I mean the girl you left with your mother, back east, after the war. Drakk ain't the only one with a war-bride, yeah? You got a little half-orc of your own running around. Well I'll kill her. Or better yet, I'll sent her out into the plains in a box, a care-package for the tribes. You know how they feel about mixed blood. Half the reason they started the war, am I right? So there it is.”
>>22862679“I'll take the bribe,” I said, hands shaking a little. Fear, or rage? I couldn't tell. “Too late,” he said. “That ship has sailed. What you'll take is intstructions: I know you haven't swung by the librarian's office yet— do that now. I want to know where's she's vanished off to, and who vanished her.” He paused, judging the look on my face. “I'm not gonna tell ya not to talk to your moll— you wouldn't listen no matter what I threatened, and I figure you deserve some answers from her anyway. Hell, I'd be interested to hear what she has to say myself. Just keep in mind what I told you— I don't want her getting you rubbed out before you help me out. Now get outta here. “What am I supposed to be looking for—” I started to say, and one of his goons crossed the little room and slugged me. “Get going, I said,” said the psion. I went.
>>22862688It was a long hike over the Bardic College, and I took my time trekking it. I had a lot on my mind, and none of it sunshine and roses. First there was the psion's revelation that I had been the target of the tail all along. I didn't like it, but I figured it was true. Uthanka hadn't been straight with me since I'd met her— it made a sick kind of sense that she was playing me off of her father to keep me in line. It would explain how she'd found me after my run in with his goon Eirik, too— he'd probably delivered me to her. Let me wake up safe, comfort me a little, and get me doing what he's saying he'll take my hands for doing— then hold it over me and I've got no chance. Well, I was wise to their game now, and it was thanks to the psion and his gang of dwarves. I wasn't sure why he'd told me, but I guessed it was to keep my motives simple— with credible threats coming from both sides, it'd be hard to tell which way I'd jump. Now that I knew I was being strung along, I was more predictable. I couldn't get her soft brown eyes or her soft green curves out of my head, but I was old champ at boxing with regrets, and I could at least push them aside. They were all too easy to replace with pictures of Darrow, missing his other leg. Or of little Argetha being knifed in her granny's front yard.
>>22863471It had been eight years since I'd seen her— she'd be about ten, now. The little girl I hadn't wanted and couldn't bring myself to abandon. Yeah right. Like I hadn't abandoned her with an old woman she'd never met before. At least I hadn't left in that shithole town near the front, where he'd been born, or in a POW camp, like I'd left her mother. Fuck the war. We'd done things— all of us— that we never would have in times of peace. And I pushed those thoughts away again like I'd been pushing them away for eight years steady, and wondered what Beardy the psion wanted from the librarian, Cordelia Willowkin, and about how she was really connected to the Drakks. And I wondered if I was ever going to paid again, and I wondered if I wouldn't just be better off grabbing Darrow and skipping town, and goingback to being a soldier on some front where if the gods were pissing on you, at least they were pissing on everybody in your trench, too. I kept walking until I reached the College, and I knew I wasn't going to be leaving any time soon. Uthanka was sitting on the front steps, waiting for me.
>>22824014In one of my games I included a location called "Noirwood", when they entered, film noir music would play and an elven detective would walk up and ask them what they were up to. The party went there whenever possible.
>>22863471“How long have you been waiting,” I asked. “Not long,” she said. “I tried your office first. Don't worry! I didn't go in, I just stood on the corner to see if you were there.” She stood up, and came down the steps towards me. I had to look up see her face. She leaned in for an embrace, and I had to get my hands up to fend her off. She leaned back a little, disappointment painted on her face. “Not now,” I said. “Inside.” Her nose krinkled, but she nodded and stepped back, eyes downcast like a chastised schoolgirl. Was she really playing me? If so, she was a hell of an actress. I almost wouldn't have minded being played, if not for her father's involvement, whatever it was. But I had my pride, and he was involved, and I couldn't trust her— however much I'd wanted to.
>>22865302“What's wrong?” she asked, as we made our way into the library, her clinging to my arm like we were going out for a night on the town, and not to doublecross each other. “Which way?” was the only answer I gave. She pointed— I followed her lead. When we came to the door, I unlocked it with the key she'd given me, back at the boarding house the psion and his goons had gone over. Cordelia's office was no bigger than mine, and twice as cluttered. “What are we looking for?” I asked, and she stared at me for a minute. “Clues?” she hazarded. “You're the detective.” “Cut the crap,” I said. “You're not just in this to look out for a friend. What did she have, or what did she know, that's so important?” “Only she could tell you that,” she said, frowning. “And I am looking out for a friend. Honestly.” “Fine,” I said. “Play it that way. You're looking out for her, start looking then. You knew her— what is all this stuff?” I gestured around at the junk in the office. Papers everywhere, in heaps on the desk and on the floor, pinned to the walls, stacked on shelves. There was a second desk in the corner, with an oil lamp and a pile of tools.
>>22865309 “You said she was restoring old books— that what this stuff is for?” I said, gesturing to the stuff on the corner desk. “And what about all these papers. Aren't librarians supposed to be neat? You sure no one's been here already?” She got a surprised look in her eyes, and quickly covered it. “I don't think so,” she said. “Those dwarves would have trashed the place like they did her rooms.” But I knew they weren't the only ones looking. “Sure,” I said. “Well you look over there, then, and I'll look over here.” I went over the the main desk, sat down and started going through papers. I could feel her eyes on the back of my head for a minute, but she did as she was told. There was nothing in Cordelia's papers to suggest where she'd gone. But there were other hints. She'd been restoring a book, it looked like, in the days before her disappearance. I found orders for expensive inks and good paper, binding glue, all that stuff. There was a sheaf of request forms to sign books out of the conservation archives to work on them. I went through the list— the latest was The Song Of The Irrelliad. The projection she'd pencilled on that particular form had her just wrapping up work on the book the day she'd disappeared. It was a hint as to what people wanted from her, but nothing as to why. What was an old book to a gang of dwarven criminals, or to a disgraced and defrocked noble-turned-kingpin? I had no idea, but I was going to find out.
>>22865321 “Hey, I think I've got something,” I said. “What is it?” she asked, somewhere behind me, still at the other desk. “Looks like a secret compartment,” I said. “I think there's a book inside.” The click of a hand-held crossbow sounding behind my left ear told me everything I needed to know about Uthanka's motives. “Turn around slowly,” she said, “And had it over.” I turned. The discarded bag of holding on the floor made it plain where she'd gotten the crossbow, and the look on her face made it plain she'd be willing to use it. I liked to think she'd have regretted it a little bit afterwards, but regrets never un-killed anyone. “Is this the way it's gonna be, princess?” I said, hands in the air. “We had some good times together.” “Maybe,” she said. “And if you're helpful we can have some more latter. But right now I want that book.” “I know it,” I said. “But I'm afraid I don't have it. There is no secret compartment— if there was, you'd have found it your first time through here. That was you, right? I don't picture a librarian leaving her papers in this much of a mess.” Her finger twitched on the crossbow's trigger. “You're a son of a bitch, you know that?” she said. “And you're Daddy's little girl,” I said. “When you were a kid, did you bond over breaking kneecaps? Don't answer— I don't care. Well, here we are, with all our cards on the table, hmm? And I don't think you're gonna shoot me— you need me too much, and maybe like me a little. You still haven't found what you're looking for, and I'd guess I'm still your best shot— that's why you hired me, isn't it? To find what your Daddy's men couldn't? So why don't you point that thing somewhere else, and we can get down to finding it?”
>>22865337She snarled at me, dark green lips drawn back off her teeth. It was an expression I'd have bet she learned watching her mother making love to her father— the one of them vicious, the just primal. I thought for a minute she was going to shoot me anyway, and then she lowered her crossbow. “Fine,” she said. “But the kid gloves are off. Daddy won't cut off your hands like he threatened, but he can still hurt you. So can I, for that matter.” “Sure,” I said. “Now let's get out of here. She stooped to pick up her bag of holding, and then I was surging up out of my seat and driving my knee into her face. Her nose didn't break, but a felt one of her tusks chip. “Sorry, princess,” I said as she collapsed onto the floor. “I don't like manhandling dames, but a guy can only take so much, and I've got worse threats hanging over me. See you around, maybe.” “I took her crossbow from her limp hand— pulled the bolt from it and dry-fired it into the wall, and then stowed bow and bolt in the bag of holding that was still on the floor. I left her there, and exited the library as fast as I could without drawing attention to myself. I was going back to visit my favourite dwarf at The Roaring Forge. I had more information now, and I intended to use it to get some better answers.