[a / b / c / d / e / f / g / gif / h / hr / k / m / o / p / r / s / t / u / v / vg / w / wg] [i / ic] [r9k] [cm / hm / y] [3 / adv / an / cgl / ck / co / diy / fa / fit / hc / int / jp / lit / mlp / mu / n / po / pol / sci / soc / sp / tg / toy / trv / tv / vp / x] [rs] [status / ? / @] [Settings] [Home]
Settings   Home
/tg/ - Traditional Games

File: 1347942037106.jpg-(342 KB, 800x991, empress_of_mankind_by_varron_off-d4fsm1c.jpg)
342 KB
Hokay, I am back with another infuriatingly small update. I'd stick this on the end of part 3 but that thread no longer exists. Basically I got interrupted in the middle of posting the update last time, as some text or another triggered an autoban because somehow I was posting a link to a referral site (I wasn't, I don't know what the fuck).

ANYWAY, here's a link to the WHOLE STORY SO FAR: http://pastebin.com/fuUJt825

And here's what comes next:

Oneius Prayd was not having a good day. As Captain of the Aquiline, one of the proudest ships in the Red Corsair fleet, it was his responsibility to keep his ship in good order, ready to strike out at targets of opportunity when they presented themselves. But today he had learned that the coolant system for the engines was almost totally scrap-metal after the attack on a convoy a few days earlier. It seems the Imperials were catching on to his strategy, and had started attaching fighter squadrons to their more versatile freighters, and he had been caught off guard. The fighters hadn't made a difference in the outcome of the battle, but they certainly had caused him a massive headache. The repair work left them nearly blind and quite vulnerable – the only comfort being the remoteness of the system and the reinforcements en route.
“What's the status on the coolant system?” asked Prayd.

“Repairs are approximately seventy-two percent complete. Estimated time to completion is twelve hours,” said one of the many servitors that monitored ship status on the command deck.

Prayd nodded and sat back. Nothing to do but wait, it seemed.

A few minutes later a fellow Space Marine spoke up. “Captain I've got... no, that's odd... it disappeared,” he said.


“I picked up what appeared to be a single fighter on the sensors. It vanished almost immediately, sir.”

“Hmm... could it be an echo from our last engagement? Or maybe our brothers in arms have arrived early?”

“I'd say a false echo is most likely sir. We'd have been hailed by the strike cruiser before we sensed it in our current state.”
“Very well. Keep an eye out nevertheless,” said Prayd. He drummed his armored fingers on the armrest of his command chair. Something about the situation didn't sit well with him, but he couldn't figure out what it was.

More waiting. Eventually Prayd realized what had been bothering him. “What class did that fighter appear to be?” he asked.

“The sensor ghost? Checking now,” said the Space Marine, pressing a series of buttons on his station. “While the reading didn't last long enough to be sure, I'd say it was a Fury-class fighter.”

A cold chill ran down Oneius Prayd's spine. “But we only fought Faustus-class ships,” he said slowly. His mind reeled, suddenly calculating a hundred different possibilities, none of them at all pleasant. “All sensors to max sensitivity. I don't care how many false positives we get –”

“Sir, I've got proximity warnings. Something out there is closing fast,” said another Marine before Prayd had even finished. “It looks like Shark Assault Boats!”

“All hands to battle stations. Sound the alarm and prepare to repel boarders. I want that coolant leak stopped now – engines be damned, we need to see!”
If you're lost, please for the love of not being a total shithead read the damn pastebin from the OP. If you're not lost, but pissed off that this update was short as fuck, let me know. Your anger motivates me to write more. I'll try and keep this thread updated this time. If you're hungry go eat something.
This is just my personal opinion, but I think you suck.
Thank you for your valuable contribution. It has been noted and will soon be ignored.
I'll have to point that this is not the best way to deal with criticism. People that didn't enjoy your work are the best to point out where you could improve. Figuring out the why for later deciding if you want to change that or if its best kept the way it is would be the most sensible thing to do.
"I didn't like it" isn't criticism, it's just stating your distaste for something. Criticism is "where the fuck is the orks nobody cares about the faggy space marines". sure it's shitty criticism but it's actual criticism.
Yes. Nice try on self-bumping.
The media you choose to divulge your work, AKA posting sporadicaly on /tg/, is the first thing I'd like to point. Sure it's okay to post it here, but you are obviously doing scenes short as fuck (jump to tera, jump to horus, jump to tera, all in less than 30 lines) and the only reason this doesnt look extremely bad is because it's in a 4chan thread.
2. You are obviously not afraid to play around with the only bit of Canon in w40k that is minimally solid. So why not just do "Emperor is a girl now"+"horus is a god now"+"Creed simply diedly horribly like a bitch because I obviously hate playing IG"+"Cadia just fell it wasnt even described how" in the mix. Well, I could say your horus is mary sueish, or that Emperor is a girl looks like fetish fuel, specially if we go meta and see the images of girl emperor you are posting directly from your fap folder. But this points itself without me needing to say it. Ops, I just did.
3. I don't like how you are begging for attention.
4. You writting style isnt all bad but you need to work harder in creating atmosphere. Also, Make me cara for the characters for Girl-Emperors (instead of empress) sake.
Well done! Actual criticism! Was that so hard?
Now to your points
1. Fair enough for what I've posted so far. The scenes are going to get longer especially as I deal with longer events like the current battle scene.
2. There aren't a lot of Femprah pics out there, I've literally run out of decent ones from the internet so I'm going to have to pick something else. Horus is a god and hasn't run into anything to challenge him yet. There really is a thematic reason for the Emprah being the Femprah but it'll take a long while before that bit becomes relevant. For now it's a bit of a joke and a way to keep this feeling different from the Emprahsque. I killed Creed because /tg/ fucking loves the guy and I wanted to grab people's attention hard, also show I'm not afraid to kill off characters. This story is going to get really bloody. It is, after all, the gotterdammerung.
3. Too bad.
4. Working on that part. I'm dealing with a shitload of lore, so I'm trying to pick out some bits that I like and focus on them. Like why care about the loyalist primarchs? Because they're the ones taking care of the Blood Ravens from DoW II, and those dudes were cool. Making you worry for the Femprah is hard since it's the Femprah and what's really gonna hurt her?
Reasonable way to deal with critics. I'm genuily impressed. Well, keep improving in that case.
damn it fool, keep writing we demand more god damn it.
Yeah, just write anything. No one expects this to be a masterpiece, it's definetly something I'd like to waste time reading as a content of a thread.
Btw, does anyone have link for new commisar Cain book? inb4 buy it, thanks, but I'll buy it if I like it after I read it (just like I did with all previous books in this series)
The scream of the engines reverberated throughout the Assault Boat. They had to match speeds with the Aquiline in all of thirty seconds; if they hadn't approached the Aquiline from behind. Around the boats, their fighter escort broke off to harass the enemy vessel and keep them from getting a lock on any of the boarding craft.

Five assault boats closed on the enemy vessel, carrying sixty space marines with them. While this many marines would by called overkill in any other circumstance, the men had grown used to attacking with overwhelming force whenever possible, and if the enemy refused to surrender then the marines would act as a skeleton crew for the battle cruiser.

Vulkan watched the battle in space from his armored viewport. A fighter wing attacked along the spine of the blind battlecruiser, blowing up a pair of turrets and blasting away at the thick hull. “Pilot. Make contact there,” said the Primarch, indicating a spot just beyond a blasted turret recess.
“Aye, sir,” said the pilot. They were skimming slowly along the hull of the battle cruiser now, ready to latch onto and breach through the hull. The magnetic clamps engaged and latched with a loud “thunk!” as the hull of the assault boat stuck to that of the battle cruiser. The melta-charges ignited with the burning hiss of molten and vaporized metal. A series of sensor lights lit up one by one – the first for the presence of atmosphere on the other side of the door, the second for the residual heat of the breach fading enough to be survivable, and the last showing no enemies in the immediate vicinity of the breach. The door keeping the two vessels separate creaked open.

“Marines, with me!” cried Vulkan, leaping into the darkness past the airlock, into the confines of an enemy vessel. The marines with him let loose a terrifying war cry – part howl, part scream, part oath – and followed swiftly.
OP is the worst cock tease.
1d4chan article has been updated. For some reason, Sup/tg/'s archive service keeps receiving a 404 from this page.
>it doesn't matter if you're a shit writer as I will read literally anything
ITT: OP works on GW time.
what the fuck is with all you fucking haters? if you don't like the story than get the fuck out and stop shitposting. OP already said that this ain't gonna be a fapfic and the emperor as a female was already explained as cegorach being a troll. also:

>horus is mary sue as fuck

as if the emperasque wasn't. seriously, /tg/, sometimes you exibit massive ammounts of no fun allowed bullshit
Horus hasn't even done anything yet. BTW, how is creed still around for abbadon to kill? Shouldn't he have died of old age or something long before the start of this story?
Creed out maneuvered time itself.
>implying /tg/ allows any fun at all.

the other guy saging this thread was whining about horus being a mary sue, brah
Jaghatai Khan stalked the halls of the Battle Cruiser with some twenty other marines. He held a long power lance like a spear, the point held a few feet in front of him as he advanced footstep by footstep. They had breached the hull close to the cargo holds, and were making their way towards them. If the enemy had any significant forces besides the ship's crew, that's where they'd be. They approached an open bulkhead and the Khan signaled to halt.

“Move you maggots! We've been boarded,” said a deep voice laced with a guttural growl that identified the speaker as a space marine. “You head up that hallway and scream if you find anything.” The thumping of dozens of boots on a metal floor approached the bulkhead.

The Khan turned to his followers and nodded. “Now,” he whispered. He swung around the frame of the bulkhead and launched himself forward.
That's it? Dammit OP
“For the Khan!” bellowed his marines as they imitated their liege.

The forces of Chaos flew aside under the Khan's assault. He split a cultist in half with a swipe of his power lance, and broke another's neck with the shaft. Behind him, two devastator marines rained surpressing fire upon the open cargo deck from their position next to the bulkhead, causing those unlucky enough to be caught too far from cover to explode messily. Between them, the rest of the Khan's forces entered the room, firing their bolt pistols as they closed upon their foe.

“Rally, you cowards! Turn and fire!” a Chaos marine yelled to his panicking allies as he charged his loyalist foes. He seemed to be a captain and devotee of Khorne, carrying a brutal-looking massive chainsword which had modified by the corrupting forces of the warp into something far worse: A daemon weapon. This was a Chaos champion, one of Khorne's favored and one of the most feared enemies of the Imperium. His first swipe bit deep into the ceramite pauldron of a loyalist armed with a power axe and bolt pistol. Blood burst from the wound briefly as the marine staggered. The Chaos Champion drew back his sword to take the marine's head, but the Khan slammed into him before he could strike. Recovering quickly, he assessed this new threat and assumed a dueling position. The Khan did the same.
Jaghatai Khan struck first, just as he taught all who followed him to do, with a lunge right for his foe's hearts. But this particular Champion of Khorne was not so easily bested as the others he had fought, and twirled aside, bringing his sword up to chop the power lance in two. Khan anticipated this and raised his weapon above the strike and brought it down in a vicious stroke that would have bisected his foe, had he not moved, and buried the blade of his lance into the cargo deck.

Now the Chaos marine struck out with a thrust that turned into a swipe as the Khan dodged and pulled at his own weapon. He moved back even as the Chaos Champion moved forwards, seeking first blood. With a powerful upward kick, the Khan knocked the wind out of his foe's lungs and suffered a gash along his leg armor for his trouble as his enemy swung his sword at the offending foot.

But the Khan, Primarch of the White Scars and consummate warrior had his weapon ready, and smote his foe with a thrust straight through his enemy's chest. Blood dribbled from the Chaos Champion's mouth as he tried to bellow in rage. He raised his sword for a final strike, knowing he was dead but unwilling to die without taking the Khan's head. The Khan swung his lance upward, cutting through his foe's stomach to his shoulder, splitting his spine and bursting both his hearts. The raging fire behind the Khornate's eyes died at last, and the Khan destroyed the sword with another swing.
As the vanquished Chaos marine dropped to the floor, the battle around the Primarch and the Champion finished. All of their foes were dead, wiped out by the ferocity and speed of the loyalist attack. “Cargo hold cleared,” said a warrior of the Black Consuls.

“Well done,” said the Khan, and activated his vox. “Cargo hold secured. Do you need reinforcements, brothers?”

“Negative, the bridge is secure,” said the crackling voice of Vulkan through the vox.

“Enginarium also secure,” said Corax. “Wait, hold it...” something in his brother's voice made the Khan tense. “Get back to the Assault Boats! The bastards are trying to force a Warp transition, and they've destroyed the controls!”

Jaghatai's eyes widened. This close to the gravitational influence of the system's star, not to mention the planet they orbited, engaging the Warp engines would tear the ship and anyone on it apart. “Move it, marines!” he yelled.
Oneius Prayd couldn't think of a worse day in his life. He had lost his ship to a foe that appeared out of nowhere and struck with overwhelming force, and had only the cold comfort of taking them with him when the Aquiline tried to transition to the Warp inside the star's gravity well to keep his spirits up.

He had withdrawn from the bridge when he heard the enemy approaching, knowing that the servitors and few marines on the bridge couldn't hope to fight a boarding force. He fled through a secret passageway into his personal chambers, where he could monitor the entirety of the ship. He didn't like anything he saw – nearly sixty loyalist marines were running loose on his ship, his precious ship, and he couldn't do a damn thing about them because of the repairs he'd begun days ago. Cursing his luck, he ordered the crew in the Enginarium to prepare for a Warp jump. He'd watched, fascinated, as the loyalists slaughtered the crew in the cargo hold, on the bridge, and in the Enginarium, annihilating his crew and fellow Chaos marines with little effort.

And now, he watched, horrified, as one of the boarders turned out to be a tech marine. The tech marine accessed the cogitator that controlled the Warp engines and broke the encryption within in no time. They knew his plan. They would get away, without losing a single life in the process.

His heart hardened. No, this would not do. He'd stop some of them from reaching their ships, even if it meant dying with them. Better that than dying alone in an escape pod to the fighters which continued to pepper his hull with their guns.
He moved out through another secret passage to a hall between the bridge and the boarders. The thunder of power armor on the floor plating grew louder. “Your doom is at hand, corpse-worshippers! I am blessed by the Gods of Chaos themselves, and nothing you can mmph mmf -”

His head was suddenly in the grip of a massive power fist. Where had it come from? His last memories were of a dark shape emerging from the shadowy corridor in front of him. “Mmmf -”

Vulkan squeezed hard, bursting the helmet and skull of his enemy. “Not blessed enough, I think,” he said, ushering his men back to their assault boat.
Some of you may be wondering why I had a Khornate duelist. Well, the way I see it, Khorne doesn't really give a shit how his champions get their skulls so long as they get a bunch of fucking skulls.
That's kind of Khorne's thing. He cares not so long as the skulls flow. Bitchin' action sequence, by the way. Khornate marines are my favorite flavor of heretic.

Article has been updated. Could someone else request an archive from Sup/tg/? I'm still having trouble.
Thanks! I had a lot of fun writing it. I think it's already archived, according to 1d4chan.org/wiki/End_Times anyway
Made a tripcode. From now on only submissions with this tripcode will be actual End Times writefaggotry.

Delete Post [File Only] Password
[a / b / c / d / e / f / g / gif / h / hr / k / m / o / p / r / s / t / u / v / vg / w / wg] [i / ic] [r9k] [cm / hm / y] [3 / adv / an / cgl / ck / co / diy / fa / fit / hc / int / jp / lit / mlp / mu / n / po / pol / sci / soc / sp / tg / toy / trv / tv / vp / wsg / x] [rs] [status / q / @] [Settings] [Home]
[Disable Mobile View / Use Desktop Site]

[Enable Mobile View / Use Mobile Site]

- futaba + yotsuba -
All trademarks and copyrights on this page are owned by their respective parties. Images uploaded are the responsibility of the Poster. Comments are owned by the Poster.