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/tg/ - Traditional Games

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Mankind has recently been inducted into a galaxy spanning league of civilized species.
As is customary for newly added members, at least one representative must be present on each major space station to promote knowledge and goodwill, and to see how well said species integrates into the galactic culture.

You have been assigned to one of the most distant stations from earth for a five year tour, and due to a clerical error you are the only human assigned to that station for the full five years. These aren't Star Trek aliens, or Mass Effect aliens, they are truly different from anything on earth- you can only interact face to face with about 48% of the station's population without an environmental suit. There are universal translators, and most of the environments are roughly built to your scale, maybe a tad bigger.

How do you cope being an island of humanity for half a decade? Do you try to represent the best sides of humanity? Do you try to learn about your new neighbors? And perhaps most importantly- can you find a good dating service?

As the only human on the station, what are your stories?
I present the best sides of humanity and I do my level best to screw every alien female I can, even if it requires specially made enviro suits.

I handle the lack of human contact by spending my time learning about the other races and by generally not having much regular human contact prior to being assigned to this job.
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So I find out from vidcall conversations with humans from other stations that there is actually a galactic wide dating service, and you can even sort search results by biological compatibility.

I like to live dangerously, so I arrange a date with someone that seems interesting without doing any more research other than that the service says we are compatible. It will make a good conversation topic anyway.

My plan was better...on...paper. Or holopad, whatever the fuck we use to write on in the future. The conversation was nice, anyway, and she had a pretty voice- at least her translator made it sound that way. And I suppose "she" is pretty subjective as well, as that species has four interchangeable sexes. Also, turns out "biologically compatible" in this case just means she probably won't kill me during mating. We didn't really "click" anyway. I mean she did, I actually think that's what her native language is comprised of, but you know what I mean.

Better luck next time, I guess.
This setting...has possibilities.

To the writefag cave!
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I see possibilities.

I would love to writefag for this but I cannot into creativity, so have a bump instead.
Bump because of reasons

Fuck yes mesklinite~<3 One of my favorite aliens ever.
oh /d/, you really are great.
This is a fantastic concept, can we get some more writefags in here?
>Writefaggotry, HO!

Being the only diplomatic presence on the station, I end up having to answer a lot of comm requests from curious aliens.

A lot are alien scholars and scientists who've already gone over the massive diplomatic datadump I was given to spread around. They want details on human culture, music, art...

oh gods the art. Apparently modern art, the really abstract stuff, is a very mixed bag. Some aliens recognize gestures or symbols in their native language and want to know about that, forcing me to learn about their languages... and sometimes its rude gestures or symbols - which mean I get angry messages

The most fun I've had so far was the one who was curious about human unarmed combat - martial arts. It was an alien I can best describe as a quadroped insect - looked a bit like a tiger-sized ant, with a set of pedipalps that work as arms. I can safely say that it doesn't look human, and it wears its translator like a necklace... and its mouth was all mandibles and mushing things. ya

Anywho, it wanted to know about martial arts. Part of the media package I'd been given was a datadump of nearly every human movie ever made.

So we saw tons kung fu flicks.

I now have a friend here.

Ok, so my new ant-alien friend's name... can't really put words on it. They apparently use names based on scents. So his name is, sort of, 'A mix of rust and chitin' - but that really doesn't do it justice, as their measuring system is very specific when it comes to how strong a scent is - and that just doesn't translate well to metric.

Anywho, after watching a bunch of Bruce-Lee movies we settled on the nickname Bruce-Bee, BB - because a style he practices is apparently about 'stinging' - his species doesn't have stingers, but its meant as stabbing with claw-fingers. Looks cool though.

BB also helped me figure out the dating service. Next search should also try to match me anatomically, to ensure that 'coupling' can even take place. This did require me adding a few more bits of information that I found worryingly invasive, but BB assures me that the dating service doesn't the 3D-scans of my junk to anyone.

By the way, BB was really disappointed that I didn't know any martial arts. He's part of his species' military attache and is curious about other alien fighting styles.

More boring diplomatic meetings. This station is so far from earth that I don't really have anything to do. The stations closer to Sol system are apparently rife with intrigue and drama as the diplimatic envoys there are being sought out by alien mining corporations and and planet-developers who want to invest in mining rights for earth's asteriods or buy land on our planets.

I got jack shit. Well, BB still comes over for movies - but really, I do not have much to do.

Well, date night is up. I got a profile this time to check before going. BB told me that inter-species dating is surprisingly popular. Various alien scientists and sociologists have speculated for ages about some kind of universal xeno-curiosity as a kind of evolutionary instinct to add exotic elements to one's own gene-pool... even if interspecies mating can't result in anything.

Right - the dating profile, and her name is... lets see, Blyby. Ok. She looks like... not uploading that. I think she's naked in that picture. Well, now I at least know what I'm getting into.


I could probably hit that - but I would prefer something with legs. Think giant slug/snail thing with four arms. I may have to rethink the idea about it being naked too - I don't think they wear clothes, aside from vac-suits.

Will post how the date went once back.

Ok, I am back from my date with Jabba the slut.

Trust me, that name fits on so many levels. Blyby was all over me from the moment we met. No sense of public decency - and I was trained for weeks in inter-species public appearance and behaviour as part of my diplomatic training.

This woman - no, lets just call her female - was apparently ugly even by her own species' standards. Again, jabba the god damn slut. When I met BB again he couldn't hold back the laughter. Apparently Blyby has tried to nail every alien she's come across.

He also told me that she's almost twice the size of a normal member of her species. He showed me pictures, and their normal looking females are actually ok good looking... well, compared to Blyby. Their heads and faces are still fugly beyond sanity, with eyes on stalks and their vertical mouths that look like grey-green fleshy vagina-mouths.

I have returned pictures of Blyby to earth, suggesting that they be used in birth control or even abstinence campaigns.

But ok, so these slug people normally look like grey-green squishy humanoids with four arms and sluggy lower halves with no necks or head separate from their bodies.

I told BB that I refuse to go on any more dates unless its biped humanoids. BB noted that this would greatly limit my options - but seriously, screw that, I have standards and self-respect.

Oh, and I showed BB Kung Fu Panda. I think he popped an alien-boner for Mantis. That was weird.

Ok, so spending my limited spare time when I'm not answering no-brainer questions ...
>Seriously aliens, read the briefs, don't just skim the headline and then ask me to explain it
...I have gone through the alien dating site's listings of decidedly humanoid species. Well, sort of. I specified two legs, two arms, one head. You would be surprised at the variations you can get on that theme.

One species have its 'head' sprouting from its torso, walking on all four but also rearing up and using its 'front legs' as arms, having more advanced digits and such on them.

I know that the diplomatic core told me that there wouldn't be any catgirls or similar human fantasy-stereotypes for aliens, but god damnit its been months since I've gotten laid. Seriously, I am a man and I have needs.

Back in Brussels I could have gotten 20 high end hookers with just a single phonecall. Here, I get... nothing - well, I blocked Jabba the slut's comm link... she kept spamming me to let her do weird and slimy things to me.

Sadly it appears that there's no active users from the few species that looks just faintly human.

In space, nobody can detect your blue-balls
Dude, sucks to be you. Although a lot of us will benefit from your sacrifice.

I got shipped out to station 7112–695–36+54. And I'm one of three 'biologicals' on the station. Instead, there are robots EVERYWHERE.

Look, I know I listed Gunpla and pc gaming on my "hobbies" section of the application, but this... Every robot here is thirsty for sci-fi. My comm has been buzzing non-stop for recommendations from varios species, or 'builds' or whatever determins the different types of robots, for things to watch that were good. Their sense of objectivity is oddly skewed - when I told one of the squatty square bots that what I thought was good might not be considered good from their perspective , it replied that every mechanical bring on the station enjoyed my input.

So I put a "The Human Reccomends" list up on my UniBook entry, and that cut a lot of the calls. I can sleep now! Hurray!
>48% of the station's population without an environmental suit.
That's plenty. I can get hugs.

>sort by compatibility
That dating service stinks. Use xenopid, it has many more criteria.
>interfertility, fertility of offspring (mules or not)
>compatibility of sexual organs
>strength/sharpness vs. integrity/hardness, both ways
>envirocompatibility: atmospheric/fluid requirements, gravitic/spin settings
>likely allergen-translation warnings
>toxicity, mutual or otherwise, down to setting your maximum comfortable LD%, even if it's capped at 99
>coloration spectra vs perception spectra/mental æsthetics
(Aside, are the Pip+Flinx novels/other Humanx commonwealth novels (by Alan Dean Foster) any good? I've only read the Founding trilogy.

I haven't read any of his stuff I don't like, yet.)
Just got back from a walk around the station. I've been warned to always carry a torch, an O2 canister, and a comm. on hand when I go walking - a lot of the station is under low grav, low light, and low to no oxygen condions. I mean, it makes sense - robots, right?

It was on my walk about that I encountered one of the other two organic beings. I had just entered a room with a gigantic view screen of the proto-star and it's gaseous nebula that the station was observing, and when I commented on the beauty of it to myself (I've been doing this a lot lately), an oddly curved red thing I had thought was a sensor dome spoke up and agreed with me!

Gtth'buugh (He/it allows for 'Gettysburg' for my pronunciation) is, well... Imagine a crab. A big, red crab. Crossed with a plush toy. And standing in at 5' tall.

Fucking adorable. When I shook it's 'claw', it was soft and fluffy.

Gettysburg claims to be a 'robot loving billionaire philanthropist, who writes fiction'. It comes to this area to 'watch the sea of stars and fish for inspiration'. The room was ment to be some sort of cafeteria or central social area - but the mechs use the computer core room instead for that purpose. I poked around and discovered the food dispencery still worked, and after downloading some information on human foods, managed to coax it into dispencing me a fair cappuccino and a lasagne too big to eat in a single sitting. Gettysburg scanned the lasagne and discovered it was edible for it's species. It took half of the meal with it to try.

Just got back to my room / office and... Someone, err, THING, stole my god damn MG Zaku II!! I just unpacked the damn thing! Unbelievable!
(I love the Flinx stuff. Imagine Oliver Twist with a flying, poisonous snake as a pet, raised by bitter old maid Black Cat, and mentored by Gandalf the Mechanucus Adeptus, and a giant version of Jimmany Cricket. Except more awesome. It's got an organized religion that's half 'brotherhood of steel' and half WH40K Inquisition. Basicly, if you like Alan Deen Foster,you'll enjoy them. So, just go read them already. )
I like this. moar!

I return, after a long afternoon of doing reasonably pointless things. Well, pointless and pointless - that can be argued

I am finding that I have to educate myself on quite a lot of things - sort of - I have certainly become very adept at looking stuff up on the copy of wikipedia I've was given as part of my 'human civilization datadump'.

I mainly do that whenever an alien asks about something. Ancient Chinese philosophy, "Who was the mongler man" to "What is salmon?"

On the plus side I've been invited to dinner at some hotshot alien's residence. I suspect I'm just invited as a novelty, but hey - it breaks the monotony.

even more plus-ish, then I finally have an excuse to use my dress formals, although I have been told that I also have to wear - of all things - a veil. No really. Just over my mouth.

apparently my hosts' culture deems the showing of teeth a very naughty/bad/something thing to do - so even me opening my mouth to speak could get me in trouble. Right. Veil.

Of course, after getting that message and asking BB if he knew anything about it, he directed me to this shop on the station with supposedly 'fashionable' masks. It really shouldn't surprise me, considering that many of the aliens look very ugly relative to each others standards of beauty. So this was a glorified costume shop meant to help aliens talk to each other without vomiting from how ugly they might think each other. I find this a surprisingly practical approach to diplomacy.

I found a mask that was plain, flat and yellow. I used a black marker to make it into a big smily face. Lets do this.


Ok, the party... ya, my dress formals weren't a bad choice. This was a social event, and I honestly suspect that my host is disappointed that I didn't show up in just my underwear and a grease-stained T-shirt. But hey, fuck you too buddy for trying to set me up.
>note to diplomatic core: Posegian might try to fool you into gaffs. Beware and take note of local cultural dress codes.

Aside from the failed prank, I found the event quite nice. Sure, the lack of aliens of any shape and size that I found aesthetically appealing sucked - but... I suspect that some of the others didn't see that as a problem.

Some other station diplomat's daughter or sister (the translator wasn't clear beyond 'female relative younger than the relative') appears to like me. I think. I can't imagine how considering that I'm dressed like some kind of smily-face guy fawkes. Hmmm
>note to self, wear a guy fawkes mask if invited to similar event again
I mean, why not - not like these jokers know what it means?

Ok, female alien likes me. Ah - she says I smell nice. Old spice bodywash, for the win. I think. She appears less insect or molluscan and more... I dunno, pod people?

No really. Large bulbous limbs, brown skin and around feet around a foot and a half in diameter. Apparently from a swampy world or something, where broad footing is very good. Still, at least she's biped and humanoid.... sort of.

Like jabba the slut she's got no real head. She just has eyes that pop out of the upper end of her torso, as well as a mouth and some nostrils there. Think frog eyes. They do 'pop in' each time she blink.

And no tits.

so the human resemblance pretty much stopped at two arms and two legs. Fuck my life.

Well what do you know. She admits similar frustrations. Apparently her father, her muftis and herself are the only of her species on the station, and she too is longing for a compatible partner, hint hint. Right, no. Still, I remained polite and reasonably sympathetic to her plight: I know well enough not to reveal myself or say anything potentially embarrassing in a place like that. Who knew who might be listening?

So, we end up at the bar drinking and chatting

Now, if there's one thing I have to say I like about these aliens - its discovering their thousands of different kinds of hooch. Seriously, there is so much alien alcohol to try its crazy - and its not exactly expensive either... you can buy enough high-grade 180-proof Piagr 'Mong' to fill a bathtub for what I pay for lunch. Still, I'm mostly into dark ales and stouts, but they have that too in spades.

Ok, the alien woman - her name is Mudra, I think. The translator was very sure about the mud part, less on the ra bit. Oh well, she responds to it. She can hold her liquor. Very well. I also think that she appreciates my compliments about that.

Oh well, looks like the party is winding down. Time to split, will report in once my hangover is out.

My life. It. Fuck.

Ok, so apparently the aliens like to add something to their hooch so you regain lucidity fairly quickly. That's nice, much less hangover - I guess livers work the same all over? Who knows.

Now, my problem is that I think I'd honestly prefer a hangover right now.

See, apparently Mudra snuck into my quarters while I was out and - I'm honestly not sure - but I think we did... something. Sex we did not do, because I don't have anything that'd fit into what she's got. Her mouth doesn't open wide enough for oral, and her cloaka (only ONE exit) is made for number 1, 2 and popping out eggs, not allowing a dong in.

I think she just kind of fondled my junk and gave me a handjob - because she rubbed what came after that all over herself... yes, I'm serious. and that is disgusting by the way.

she's still asleep, but honestly - fuck - I wish I have a hangover right now, that way I would have something else to think about.

also, FYI/TMI - no she's not pretty when naked. I really have to find out what solitary aliens do here when they get sufficiently horny and lonely.
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Woke up, annndd... the Zaku's back. And there are two of them now. huh. On investigating the second Zaku II, it seems it's made out of some light weight metal, and there are no seams. Just slightly heavier than the plastic one. Different paint job too, the new one is black with a green tint. Very nice. On a whim, I also unpacked the Qubeley, and I set them in poses before leaving the office.

I popped into the cafeteria again, but Gettysburg wasn't in. Got a cappuccino and some eggs, then another cappuccino before heading towards the central computer core.

This is 'where it is at' for the 'bots. Big ones, small ones, whatever's in between. i took some photos of a few to show you guys what I'm talking about. Anyway, it seems they're... playing all my games from Steam. At the same time. Friggin' a. A few 'bots that are simply spectating aknolodege my presence, and I watch them playing call of duty multi-hundred player. huh. They must ghave re-written the game code to support so many bots playing at once. I ask on of the robots next to me about customising or creating games on the fly. It states that they would happily accommodate any requests of that nature, and would be more than happy to do so.

When asked to play, I decline. I'm not much for multi-player FPS's. I asked if they had a holodeck. I then had to explain the idea of a holodeck.

Give us a week, they said.

Got back to the Office, and the Qubeley's gone. I figured that would happen.
>give us a week - oh god yes


Allright - so... having been molested while mostly passed out drunk, I am now considering my options. Mudra appears to be quite remorseful.

Very remorseful - while also very not-subtly asking if I want to do it again, you know "I'm so sorry... but come on, it was fun, wanna do it again?"

Ya, my life - you know the deal

Anywho, the aftermath of this might just make my day. Turns out daddy - yes, her father - is very embarrased. He doesn't want his daughter to become another jabba the slut.

So, I now have delicious leverage on another of the diplomats here. I will have to investigate what I can get from this.

To begin with I've been invited to the diplomat's residence. The name of their species is the Moing, and their homeworld is that of 'Moist' - compared to our brilliantly named homeworld, then I guess it could have been worse.

This visit was a lot more polite and professional than the dinner party. I was given a big appology, although Mudra who was also present didn't seem that sad - and I am quite certain that she still wants to molest me. No I don't want that done to me, yes I did assure both Mr. Mud'pok and Mudra of that. Mudra didn't appear convinced.

After this Mudra was shooed away and I was given a much more one on one briefing on the state of galactic civilization - now this was fun
I love you guys.
Do come with suggestions or requests on where to take this...


Ok, so... galactic civilization is doing well. Colonization efforts across the board takes care of any overpopulation, and once colonies start up their homeworlds' industries benefit by supplying and building up the colonies' infrastructure, or building up a new colony ship and whatnot.

so there's work for everyone and business is good. Asteroid mining makes metals dirt cheap.

Mud'pok also said that aliens scattering throughout the galaxy often run into the problem that his daughter is facing: A lot of compatible partners.

He didn't have this problem though. The Moing have three genders, sort of. Male, female and muftis. Mufti isn't really a gender - but are gender-less womb-people. Yes that sounds weird. An unfertilized egg from a female deposited in a muftis will become a mufti. If a male adds his fun stuff it will become a male or a female.

So... their males and females dont actually have sex. they screw the muff. And Mud'Pok has Mudra's mufti here on the station, so he and... it... can and do have a healthy relationship and are lifelong partners.

oh yes, Moing males and females dont marry. you marry the mufti. Makes no fucking sense, but hey. Oddly enough the Mufti apparently have all the positions of power, Mud'pok being diplomat at this place in the middle of nowhere is because... well... its not really a place of power. Oh fun, but at least he has a screw and all their Mong hooch.

Report from Unmop station, Diplomatic emmisary [Insert name here]

To earth command: I need to get laid, badly

I have been sexually harassed by something that looked like jabba the hut, and molested while passed out drunk by another alien who turned out to be just as lonely and sexually deprived as me.

Having spoken with the ambassador for the Moing, one Mud'pok, after his daughter molested me, I have learnt that this kind of behavior is not unknown to galactic society.

Living among alien races very different to our own can be traumatic in its own right. It assaults our very perception of what is life and how to to live it.

Furthermore I have come to the conclusion that there is absolutely nothing and nobody on the station I myself personally can have any kind of intimate relationship. The few species of aliens that might be anatomically compatible are either culturally, religiously or otherwise unavailable.

While the datadump sent along with did include a large amount of anatomical textbooks and visual material meant to be distributed to local medical centers and interested scientists then I can also report that I personally have inspected this material to the point that I've memorized all of it.

I do not wish to strain anyone's budget, or force anyone to shuffle around appointments, but I need human company. Female company would be nice as well, although I doubt that the diplomatic core would allow sending me a permanent companion.

Perhaps a colony ship could be sent my way? There is plenty of business opportunities here, with its growing resupply and entertainment industry for travelers and all the nearby asteroid mining colonies.

I need human contact. Both professional and personal contact.

Don't advice. Don't deliberate. Send someone. Make sure she's single and under 30.

Ok fuck you earth command.

Send me the blueprints for a fleshlight will you? Are you fucking kidding me? Do I have to start some intergalactic incident to get some attention? It honestly wouldn't be that difficult, seeing as Mud'Pok's daughter still wants to do all kinds of shit with me... and Blyby AKA jabba the slut would most likely love to make that a threesome

Right, so much for personal blogging. Fleshlight... lol. Tried one of those back in college, prefer the real deal thank you very much.

Mud'pok has actually agreed to let me know if his contacts learn of any humanoids coming to the station. As I mentioned in my last report, loneliness and lack of intimate contact with members of ones own species is serious business out here. There are over twelve brothels here - and yes I've checked all of them out - they do not cater to what I have or what I need. Sure, most of them had 'something' I could jam my wang into, but I'd have to either wear a gasmask while doing so - or blinds - because some of those aliens are just plain ugly.

Oh that's another thing that Mud'pok taught me that wasn't in the diplomatic briefs: It is perfectly ok to acknowlegde that other aliens look ugly to you. Differences in aesthetics born from differences in anatomy and biochemistry are hard to get around, and galactic society knows that. Don't be a dick, but you don't have to be a PC retard either. Mud'pok did note that xenophiles like jabba the slut are the exception to the rule, wanting to fuck everything, but in his words "She's got some kind of condition" - fugly alien nymphos. I must have done raped an angel or a puppy in a past life or something.

right, so we seriously need a human cathouse here. I wonder if any of the other aliens here would be interested? Mud'pok would look into that. Mudra said she would be interested if it came with rentboys (I found it really odd that the translator used that word)

I didn't come here to be a pimp, but fuck it... my balls are blue-shifting here
Must have been something I said. Fuck I don't know

Three days ago a chinese colony ship pulls up for resupply. So of course I greeted them, got their paper work through, got them connected to the resupply businesses...

and yes, they had women on board. ugly ones too (no dentist on board, what were they thinking) - still, I really didn't care at that point

after almost a year as the only human on this station, it was good. Oh who am I kidding. She was an ugly asian whore with rotten teeth who smelled like shit.

would it surprise anyone that there are a lot of counsilors on a place like this? Especially ones highly experienced in dealing with lonely ass aliens?

damnit, just saw Black Dynamite with BB. He found it hilarious.

I finally got some and it still sucked. Why Can't I get some space elf or catgirl aliens to dock here? I swear...


On the sixth of august 2844 contact was made with the Odal. Their appearance and culture quickly earned them the name of 'space vixen amazons'. Diplomat envoy [Insert name here] boarded a shuttle to Odal space five minutes after hearing of their discovery, having served for forty years as the lone human representative on station [Name does not translate]. His last known words was "Fuck this gay ass station"

This was the legend of [Insert name here]. Nobody ever bothered typing in his name in the registry.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.


I tilt my head to show confusion to the human. Are they all so preoccupied with sex? He seems to be.. nervous.

"What is wrong?"

He sits down on a chair. Being one of the most similar of physiology to Mankind of the committee, I was to welcome him, but he seems distressed, presumably from the clerical error. Perhaps errors easily distresses a human.

"Okay. So I'm on my own."


"No other human beings."

"Not yet, no."

"For the next five years."

"Yes." It was a little laborious, to repeat the situation with him.

"And now all I have to do. Is represent humanity. By myself. For the next five years."


"Oh fuck's sake." What a strange idiom. It does seem that the act of copulation is very important to the human being. Perhaps he's lamenting five years without a human mate.

"If it's so important, perhaps we can find you a suitable mate from a different species."

"What?! No- I.. Maybe later."


Probably something like that is my initial reaction. And then I'd just try and do my best to be a paragon of humanity. And bone a few aliens.
>apparently my hosts' culture deems the showing of teeth a very naughty/bad/something thing to do
Camelot 30k? No, teeth were fine there...just mouths.

More of a Kzin thing. The showing of teeth was considered an act of aggression or disrespect.

Fuck yeah, Larry Niven.
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Ideal wear.







ACCOUNT BALANCE: @6?(3=?!*))@_'-_#/(-*_55_@$_6.
"Hey, you saw that, right?"

"That thing in the suit?"

"Yeah. It's called a Human. They came in to the station as a diplomatic representative for their race."

"So it's a new one, huh? Wonder what it looks like under the shell."

"Apparently they come from a system with no naturally-occuring Visidium, so they've never had warp travel until the Krathi uplifted them. They and the Krathi began a campaign against several League worlds because they didn't have many terraforming options, and nearly destroyed the 5th fleet before negotiations were complete."

"Oh, now I remember. The Green Death, that's what they called them, right?"

"Yeah. They killed hundreds of defense teams and took entire planets on the ground without a single orbital bombardment. They just rained down in the night and seized a world in a day."


"Yeah, so when they were accepted, they found out why the Humans were so scary: They've fought wars their entire history."

"Wait, don't civil wars die out after the industrial revolution? Normally?"

"Yeah, but these guys aren't normal. Instead of unifying, they split up into a bunch of states and stubbornly warred and stared each other down. As a result their military technology is crazy. Though their starships are pretty primitive."

"So basically, don't piss him off, right?"

"Damn right. Seliq, my friend in the fleet, he served in the war. He says that one time, there were maybe 500 Human soldiers staring down a few thousand fleet defense warriors, and in the end the Humans dug in so well they managed to kill double their number of our side."

"I think he's bullshitting you, man."

"Nah, it's true! Apparently they have some sort of weird chemical in their bodies called A-Dren-Lyn that gives them ten times their normal strength when they're in danger! And they're totally immune to disease and poison."

"You believe way too much crap on the Exanet, man."
"Oddly enough, though, one shot of methanol with a dash of cyanide to taste knocks humans right on their backs. Can't hold their liquor, I guess."
Station 34XZ&U7 Human Envoy Personal Log.

Date: 12908864 era 34 dec universal time.

So, evidently, due to what I can only assume is some bureaucratic error, I am the only human aboard this ship.

However, I'm fairly certain almost no one could get through this with their sanity intact.

This station is in orbit around the galactic black hole, at something like 2x the circumference of the event horizon. The tidal effects are not as bad as they could be, but time's speed varies based on where you are in the station.

Also, most of the sentient races here are not organic in any way, but more of sentient self-organizing magnetic patterns.

I'm one of the few people who can even start to guess how they think. The Faraday cages also make things interesting.
>Grey green fleshy vagina mouths.
Oh god my sides!
A few cycles back an ambassador from a new species arrived on the station, 'Humanity' I believed he called his race. I was content to ignore the addition of another solid race to the galactic community before forgetting about him.

After some time gossip reached me that the humanity male was having difficulties adjusting to life here without a compatible mate and me, being bored, decided to have a little fun with it. Accessing the information provided by their race on the exonet I found information on Humanity females and prepared my joke.

I took on the appearance of a Humanity female and approached the male, striking the posed used by the female in the picture. He immediately showed most of his teeth (I assume as part of a barbaric mating ritual), glasped his top appendages together, looked up and moved his eating hole without making noise.
I immediately reverted to my natural form and did a twirl <Xeno Scum for 'lol'>.

The Humanity male fell to his knees and began leaking fluid from his ocular globes as I danced away.

Yes, this has been a fun day.
<End Entry>
From: Human Ambassador, GNZ-19x3v74 station.

I would like to acknowledging your previous dispatch. The psych-sims and historical examples that prove most humans, let alone a Diplomatic Officer can survive entirely without social contact for five years with no problems was well thought out.

In rebuttal? Fuck you. This posting sucks. I hate you all. If I could find an enemy of Earth on this station I would ally with them and burn you all to the fucking ground.

Fortunately this station caters mainly to gas-giant based lifeforms with "INTEREST ZERO IN ROCKY BODIES COVERED IN FAST-MOVING HOT SPECKS!"

The hot specks would be us, and the all-caps is because they shout all the time. Like whales I guess, but annoying as hell. Suffice to say I am making the rounds and distributing the brochures for time-share vacations on Jupiter, et al. as instructed. So far no takers.

I did however see another "hot speck" in the hallway today. The station net is all but dead. Except for some whimpering posts wondering why our gas-giant neighbors don't like us. Still seeing a neighbor in the flesh and not as the merest fragment of a vast, gelatinous gas-bag was the high-point of my day.
I look forward to your reply.
Anon that was beautiful.

thanks, I was the anon writefagging the ronery space diplomat...

I might pick up the story with his replacement later on, although ideas and suggestions for what to happen beyond endless 'so ronery, want teh sex' would be nice
"So ronery want teh sex" is fine with me if you keep coming up with new species. Although I guess that'd be hard to do.
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Xenos in my vicinity? There is only one answer.

So, apparently, there was a diplomatic incident. Some joker smuggled superconductor onto the station, then tossed it out an airlock.

Apparently, it "killed" 3 of the primary diplomatic vortices talking to the damn station.

However, I've started talking to one of the other folks here, apparently their species are masters at applied gravitics and want to see if they can sneak a look inside the event horizon by basically cheating. I started working with him and talking to the vortex whose identity sigil is so bizarre (even for his "species") I've taken to calling him Lovecraft.

Because of the time differential it's hours for me each time I talk to him but merely minutes for him.
you have no idea

I mean - most writefaggotry here has an overarching story to tell. be it IG pulling off a costly victory against chaos, or whatnot. Our nameless blueballer's story was more slice-of-life in a sci-fi setting... and it really wasn't that easy to come up with new ideas

which is also why I would love some ideas or suggestions (as long as he doesn't get laid properly)
Praying mantis style?
Aliens with no body to speak of?
Really wierd and obscure rituals that must be observed before, during and after?
The overarching story should be getting laid by a hot humanoid alien, but I figure things like meteors, plagues, and weird interactions would fill the space until a suitable hot space vixen is found.
Not our glorious writefag, but I like the obscure rituals.

"Gasp, you aren't washing your fleshy mandibles 3 times in my sacred milk? HOW DARE YOU, GET OUT!"
rolled 38 = 38


>Rolln' for Henry Rollins!

I like this thread and my next post shall be writefaggotry

ya but getting some hot hot alien tail would kinda end the story

but ok, a plague, asteroid issues and more weird interactions? hmmm

Ok, lets rock

>this assumes that [insert name here] was only gone from his duty station a few weeks, and is still in his mid-30s after only maybe half a decade of lonely work on the station

>[Insert name here]'s personal journal

I should have known that the space vixen amazon thing was a joke. Well, it wasn't really a lie - it was a race that had the outward appearance of female warriors... too bad that they really were warriors - to the point that the galactic united 5th and 8th fleets are now tied up combating the very much warlike 'space vixen amazons' who started an impromptu holy war of annihilation against all other lifeforms...

oddly enough this isn't the first time something like this has happened. First contact leading to the 'newly discovered' foolishly declaring war on everyone else, usually if their religion states that they are the chosen ones and all others are heretics and abominations.

Anywho, I found myself back on duty only a few weeks after having left.

Jabba the slut was at the docking port with a box of sweets and a large bottle of lubricant. Subtle.

Back at my little 'embassy' - which is really more like a lone office in a larger structure dedicated to alien representatives. Let it be said that I'm not the only one stuck like this, but most of the other aliens have found ways to cope with the lonelyness - either via brothels or their families having come along

Ok, back again - not much news. That asian colony ship is long gone, and nobody stayed behind. Honestly I'm not that sad about it. The people on that ship... dirt farmers and whatnot - I really didn't want to hit any of that. The one lay I got was shit and I was not slow to get a medi-scan to check for STDs. I only need seven kinds of meds to purge my system of all the shit I picked up from that woman. Fun.

Tried the dating service again.

By trying it again I mean I re-did my previous searches and lowered my standards even more so. I now have a date with the highly religious a female from the Lemk.

The Lemk, from what I've managed to read, are humanoid bipeds - but with three small arms instead of two normal ones. Their anatomy reminds me of insectoid mixed with slightly badger-like features and colors. mainly black chitinous body structure with stark white antenae and hair. Yes hair, just like tarantulas back home on earth also have hair on their legs and body-bits.

Lets see how this goes.
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type faster and ill give you a fate point, come on man!

Well what do you know. My first diplomatic 'incident'.

>note to self: always read up on the religious practices of whatever I try to date, specifically anything relating to mating behaviour

So, what went wrong? Well, apparently old spice bodywash didn't quite cut it this time.

The locust-lady (they look a little like how I've seen humanoid crickets drawn in cartoons... but a lot more ugly) apparently had some very specific preferences for how her screws are meant to smell.

She did offer to bathe me and anoint me in the proper oils. I took her up on the offer - because hey, this... ok she's really not that hot, and a paper bag over her head wouldn't hurt either - really, her head reminds me of a head-sized cockroach. But a bath, fun.

Nope, not fun.
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work on it. Slaneesh tempts me constantly to turn this into fap-bait. Gotta go slow and deliberate to stay on target here.


How does a species with a chitinous exoskeleton bathe?

Have you ever seen how a fly cleans itself?

Now, normally the idea of being licked all over on a first date would give me all kinds of fun thoughts and bodily reactions - but...

Cockroach face. Mandibles. I felt like someone doing a 3D-vision re-version of Event Horizon.

Where this went I didn't need boners.

I honestly felt like I was being prepared for either ritual sacrifice - or that a giant bug was just licking all of me clean. this wasn't erotic, this was horrible.

If you've ever had a dog leap up and lick your face: that's ok, its being nice. If you've ever had a fly land on your lunch and barf up its stomach-juices, in order to externally digest bits of your food and then suck up the nutrients and stomach juices... ya, that's how I felt.

It didn't help that the oils smelt like smoky tar and wet dog. Oh yes, I totally sprouted like twenty boners at their totally erotic scent.

The only reason I went along with this was that the anatomical data I'd read on these aliens included diagrams and whatnot showing that I could actually screw this thing - just like a human.

I should have brought viagra. Even the chinese whore with the rotten snagle-tooth grin could close her mouth and spread her legs. This alien was the anti-boner. Even jabba the slut at least had something that looked like tits.

Oral stimulation? Not with that mouth of yours.
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>Jabba the slut.
I like you anon, you are a cool guy

Ok, so, to round off this clusterfuck she starts this shrill high-pitched wail when we finally get to screwing

I swear I'd rather be humping a paper shredder right now. The bristly hairs on her limbs make it feel like I'm humping paper shredder.

Now, where was that incident I mentioned? Oh, didn't you know? Lemk males do not ejaculate inside their females - well, they do, but that's something they can consciously trigger and first do if they're properly married.

So by her logic I kinda raped her

The station magistrate thankfully didn't agree with her.

Still, it was actually quite fun to see her scamper around like a rabid badger-cricket, foaming at the... not her mouth... rubbing herself at the carpeting and shrieking quite loudly with a kind of odd chirping reverb.

That was that date. Now I need to wash myself, at least seven times.
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How long before he gives in to Jabba the slut for a boredom/lonliness screw?

Taking all bets! Dollars, Euros! Primars and Jorblocks! All currency accepted here!
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20 thrones for never!
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a cool idea involving galactic-spanning alien empires, exotic alien species, culture and history, that devolved straight into fucking cheesy, boring "dating services" and xeno-sex.

is all of /tg/ virgin forever alone faggots? It has never seemed more true.
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Bet taken good sire, and may I wish the best of luck to you.

Any other bets? Anyone want to disagree with this fine man! We are talking about humanity here people! They'd fuck a horned gilderbeast so long as it had a hole and a half decent pair of mamaries!
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Twenty thrones and a boxed Krieger on half a year.
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A risk taker eh?

I like your type!

After screwing the cockroach gal I wouldn't even give him that long!

thank you


Right, back on the job. Not that many requests to explain details of human culture anymore. News feeds from other stations and the usual slew of public information programming that talk about the latest fun new member species of galactic society have covered most things

FYI - that public information programming is actually quite neat. Cooking shows about xeno-cooking, xeno-biology and other fun factoids that explain the many aspects of known aliens to promote cross-species understanding and cultural harmony.

Indeed, the public education system of the galactic community is quite interesting. They leave plenty of room for local cultures to imprint their own political, cultural and/or religious values - but across the galaxy all schools are required to include a kind of "galactic community building" class that teach the basic virtues of civilization.

The news feeds from earth are full of coverage of the outrage of aliens wanting to dictate what we teach our children - but I have to admit the stuff they want us to teach isn't that far out.

it boils down to four virtues - basically Compassion for all sentient things, temperance to avoid forcing others to live as you, conviction to stay true to your own cultural values, and valor to stand up to those who might coerce or threaten you into forced cooperation.

nothing new really - I know tons of human philosophers and politicians who've said similar things, but not always all of it. The idea of teaching kids the virtue of temperance is really pissing off a lot religious people, since it goes against a lot of missionary dogma about spreading their faith. Apparently its grounds for criminal trial if you try to force your faith on others, a necessary law due ot the hundreds of faiths in the galactic community - all of them saying they're the only one that is the right one
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Just so we are clear. Do I win if I get the closest bet? I'd hate to lose if it only takes a week or something.
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It would be the closest bet my good man.
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Sweet! So as long as no one else bets I win if he bangs her! Yeeah!

This isn't HUMANITY FUCK YA or SPESH MEREENS or whatever other storytiem that /tg/ usually does - that was kinda obvious from the begining.

Its a slice-of-life story about a lonely guy on a space station full of non-compatible aliens.


Ok, so the fallout from my 'Improper seeding' of the Lemk female has actually turned out to be... kinda good.

Well, she basically told all her friends of how horribly sexual I was - how I didn't care for the proper mating rites or her hallowed breeding songs - how I just wanted to... well... you get the idea.

I am now getting contacted at least two or three times daily. Sadly most of them are incompatible one way or the others.

One was actually fairly anatomically compatible, but one of us would need a gas mask and rebreather since we don't breathe the same gasses. It'd look a little too fetishy... plus the only rebreathers and whatnot you can get here come in vac-suits - and they dont really allow for sex.

A few other messages weren't propositions - but actually just friendly messages giving me moral support. The Lemk are apparently known as blowhards with painfully rigid dogma and whatnot.

One promising offer was not from a female alien looking for a shag - but from a company that apparently does in organ production and limb replacement. It is time to send in the clones.

I'm meeting them tomorrow.
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So long as he bangs her . . . yes . . .

I must ask though, what do you intend to DO with that krieger in a box.

Normally I wouldn't ask . . . but you are as human as he is, after all.
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DO? What do you mean? What does anyone do with a boxed Krieger? They unpack them when they need a little fortification done. Man these Kriegers, lemme tell ya, they're hardcore into the warfare stuff. They'd make killer bodyguards.
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12 habitable planets for he does not.

But what should you win? Hm...


Ok, the cloners were kinda creepy. Their 'portfolio' on their datalink profile page was all gory-looking organs and whatnot. Still, it looked kinda neat. Apparently they can clone organs and and limbs for replacement very quickly and quite efficiently.

They basically told me that they can clone me a copy of myself - but with my XY genes they can just fiddle with that to make a female version of that... by making it XX

Now, part of my diplomatic brief included instructions on what to do in case of humans being unlawfully taken prisoners or enslaved. Oddly enough the brief included stipulations that clones of humans created by aliens for 'illicit' purposes fall under this definition.

...so... legally, by earth laws anyway, I can't really do this. The aliens seem far more relaxed about it, although BB did tell me that it was not normal and would be considered very weird by a lot of other aliens - but then again, thanks to the Lemk female my situation is fairly well know on the station, so the sympathy to my situation could cover it

The price for the lady-me is reasonable (by which I mean surprisingly cheap) and it'd take a week or so to cook up.

the only problem is that these people rarely make 'full' clones - because... well... it'll come out with the mind of a new born infant.
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Intruiging . . . most intruiging . . . I will have to acquire one of these "Kriegers" myself . . .
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DONE! So long as you have no stipulation who the worlds come from!
Uuuuh... I bet the moon of my planet on five years.
>meet beautiful, intelligent, loving, caring alien waifu
>her tain ends in a mouth that she sticks up your butt and consumes your excrement with

Oh dear, his clone/sister is going to get a lot more action then he ever will, won't she?
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May I ask which planet this is?

So far I have liked what people have been writing and this looks interesting to write something about, though I dont know if my writefag fu is strong enough.
Planet Earth, my good sir. My dinasty has been ruling it for generations.
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So you humans are not only willing to bet one of your own kind, but your own moon on wether or not one of your own species will mate with a giant, disgusting slug/slut?

Well, the deal is done - but I will have to come and collect if the bet doesn't go in your favour, I hope you are prepared human.
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Oh god, my sides. Why can I see this going poorly for everyone?
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the moon is worthless... and not his...
Don't you have a war to lose somewhere else in the galaxy, Xeno?
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Well, I'll either have to collect the one you already have, or - heavens forbid - put another one in orbit, either way you humans seem to be a little short sighted.


I said the deal is done - do really wish to bring up an incident if it cannot be honoured?
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Nah, just find it amusing is all.
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mistaking me for one of the monkeys are you?
Well we do have a dozen moon kits lying around so is blast wave loses his bet it isn't really that big a deal
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Of course not, you are arrogant and you haven't even placed a bet yet!

Once the deal is made, it must be paid regardless of consequence! now either curb your tounge or begone from my establishmentarium!
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i think the story teller left...
Why don't you bet your soul, xeno?

Oh, wait!
This is the funniest picture I have seen in days.
Possibly hours.
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I'm sorry - are you saying something about my appearance?
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Unfortunately you might be right... damn. I was set to win too.

Captcha: 40,000 ralBask.

What's that captcha? 40k railgun Basilisks? Yes please.
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He may have gone for now . . . but my contacts are keeping track of him . . . I will be in contact either way.
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rolled 43 = 43


or will you?
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Indeed I will - would you like to bet on that.

I believe it is a bet I would win.
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Alright then. Not much I can do now anyway... back to enjoying my leave.
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rolled 50 = 50


ohh iv never had someone flirt with me so openly

heres a little peep of the future then

I must say I find it endlessly amusing that a discussion on wagers and gambling about our unnamed hero's sexual plight has turned up like this. Please go on.

and as writefag, I take 20% of all winings


Talking some more with the cloners just got even more creepy. They can't really help me make a sex-clone with adult faculties - and they aren't actually allowed to sell anything with an 'infant mind'. Apparently a small number of other alien species are able to either learn fast enough or have enough instinctive behaviour that they can pass into adult life almost instantly after coming out of the vats.

Another option the cloners gave me which was much creepier was making a 'partial' clone - like, say, a human female but only the bottom half. They said they'd handle blood supply and lung function via some creative surgery, but I felt like I was going to puke at the thought of some kind of frankenstein/zombie fuck toy. Seriously, eww.

So, no more talk with cloners unless I need a new organ. Considering the hooch I have access to, a new liver? nah, I kid.

But alas - time pass, but hey - the war of pacification with the space vixen amazons is ending. Sweet. Plus I heard that they're shipping prisoners of war around to different parts of the galaxy, both to spread the load of the influx of prisoners but also show the SVAs different alien cultures.

oh ya, the prison system around here - I gotta tell yall about that. Brb, call incomming
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Fair maiden, you are mistaking me for a human - begone with you.


(Shit, I had no idea - I was going for a joke . . . damn that timing, no point stopping now anyway - for the glory of Rygel!)


Human, you will see no such winnings, I never pacted any agreement with you.
Yes! Story time continues.
Here is a tale of caution fellow space bound humans.

I was walking, well jogging, through the main food-court area of a mainly alien space-station trying
to find ANY human fast-food chain restaurant that publicly traded on earth.

Tip 1: Always ALWAYS make sure it is publicly traded on earth, if there is anything wrong with the
food or you get sick from mirror amino-acids in the food for some reason you can sue them.

After getting my mediocre food to go and the local specialty side-dish (gello! how remarkably cross
species compatible and friendly! sugar, gelatin and water, bleh.) I found myself squatting on one of
those "Universal" platforms they market as alien friendly.

Tip 2: Nothing marketed as friendly to all species is. See gello and my ass for references.

I was about halfway through my lunch when a strange Octopus like alien, I think they are called
Quorl? Pulled itself up the "chair" opposite me. It didn't introduce itself or make any inclinations I
could recognize indicating that it wanted to speak, so I kept my mouth shut.

Tip 3: The best bet in most cases when dealing with an unknown species is to stay quiet and not
to make any sudden movements. Even if the rest of my tail erodes this advice I still cling to the
general principles of not starting shit when you don't know anything about another species.

About five eerie minutes passed with me trying to limit the eating noises and displays of teeth.
Out of my periphery (like hell I was going to make eye contact) I could see it rotate closer every-time
I swallowed some soda. Its eyes seemed to follow the path of the chilly beverage down my throat
then quivering its tentacles I swear it followed that warm flush that follows any cool drink as your
throat warms again.

Tip 4: If you are around non-humans be prepared to receive looks, you give them, be prepared to
receive them. Non-bipedals will give you looks as you usually stride above them. In the case of my
"lunch date" I learnt later that the little bastard sees infrared and the Quorl are cold-blooded, so
we look like a constantly moving coloring network to them.

I had just finished my meal with the gello staring accusingly up at me from my plate when I
heard a few clicks coming from the Quorl opposite me. The uni-translators weren't perfect but you
could have a non-technical conversation easily.
"You, this one, are perfect." It pointed one of the smaller tentacles at me, the first gesture I
recognized, that this was the time to run however eluded me.

"Um, thanks?" Dumbfounded, what do you say to that. Someone says something weird you try to move
on and forget it, especially when it is a translation of a non-human tongue probably put into human
context by another race altogether.

"I was watching you, you were fast" The little (4 foot long but it can't stand so it's tiny okay?) continued.
"Your core temperature stayed very stable, even when consuming cold liquids!" It got louder and quicker
so assuming excitement, I tried to disarm the social situation from the beginnings of a weird international
incident to a formal greeting.

"Why thank-you, it is a pleasure to meet you. My names Sam and you are?" I extended a hand in
greeting, getting a small tentacle in response wrapping around my right hand and wrist. The translator
of-course failed at that point suggesting a name was given, names almost always failed or gave
hilarious American-Indian sounding descriptions but odder.
Tip 5: Don't offer or ask for things, most species are weird about those kinds of gestures. Just... don't.

I picked up my gello with my free left hand, looking at it forlornly then to the Quorl the four dumbest words
in the station that day "Do you want it?"

You know how I said the Quorl was tiny? Well he was strong and with the grip he had on my right hand
he had the leverage to be quick as-well. The last thing I saw before I blacked out was the little "it" swing
back one of his barbed looking arms and slam it into my neck. I of-course fell off my shitty non-stool
and slammed my head into the ground passing out only after watching the little shit slither off into the crowd
being chased by renta-cops.

So officer that's what happened. The doctors have my on something like Plasmapheresis getting the
baby Quorl out of my blood stream. Luckily when he hit my artery the detachable injectors
as they called them being stuck in meant I didn't bleed-out. Apparently my stable body temperature and
rich blood represented the perfect spawning place a Quorl could hope for, also offering food during
greeting is a spawning thing.

Tip 6: Make sure any statement you give to a non-human officer can't be construed as sexual boasting.
You may not be pleased with the results.

"Officer what are you doing!?"

Holy shit

We're getting one of the prison ships.

And now I am very happy that I didn't get to the space vixen amazon homeworld. These things look bloodthirsty. Over twenty of the jailers on the ship died while in transit to the station here. I never thought I'd be handling corpse transports back to earth here.

Well, now is a perfect time to explain how the prison system works here.

there's this race of ascetic aliens that call themselves 'The open' - they look lik the an inverted Y. Two legs connected to a rail thin torso that only sports a head. Two eyes, a small mouth - and nothing else. Of course, their legs are made of these coiled up tentacles, which double as arms.

They have this philosophy/religion of being so damn nice to everyone - and they manage all local prisons here. See, they don't believe in just locking people away, they're down for re-education and re-integration into society. They don't believe that anyone can be so 'damaged' that they can't be fixed, and while I'm not sure exactly how their processes work, then I've already seen one space amazon walking around the station looking dazed and confused, along with her Open handler.

Them vixen amazons look like 2 meter tall painfully scrawny mangy fox-people. She was covered in still-healing wounds from all the combat cybernetics that had been removed from her body. Don't really want to hit that anymore. The news footage of them eating one of their jailers during a riot on the ship while enroute might have something to do with that.
I like them already
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Oh yes, they sound... pleasant in a heretical sort of way.

I suspect the Open are psychic or something. BB told me that the idea of telepathy is just pure fantasy and doesn't exist, explaining that the Open communicate more via breathing scents at each other
>Ok, dont ever breathe directly on an Open

Now, for some perhaps good news!

Going home from my last pile of finished paperwork I ran into a waste management vehicle. At first I thought someone was playing a prank, as it appeared to be piloted by a potted plant. Considering the things I've seen around here, then I have become a little paranoid about practical jokes and whatnot.
>oh, and rubbing your hands in salt makes Jabba the slut recoil in terror the instant she grabs you for a big slimy hug. Hilarious.

Anywho, the WMV with the potted plant. Turned out that it was piloted by a Vlik. Vlik are plant people. Ya, I didn't really believe that either at first.

The datalinks info on Vlik are weird. Apparently they didn't evolve. They were made by a race that evolved on their home planet, but also doomed themselves due to fucking with their environment. So, this race - the Vlik call them the Vlim - made the Vlik to inherit the Vlim civilization. It worked, to an effect. The last of the Vlim died out almost 900 years ago, and Vlik life literally bloomed five hundred years ago, entering directly into a renaissance and later space-fearing, as they figured out all the old Vlim tech.

Sociologically they're really unique as well. They're all the same gender, able to produce a seed pod that you plant in a big tub of dirt, which grows into a new Vlik after a good summer's worth of sunlight and rain. They never had any religion, although they do honor the memory of the Vlim. Oh, and they are bipedal humanoids... they can walk around - but they prefer to sit down on dirt - as that makes them protrude roots through which they feed.

Plant people - and they actually don't look that bad: They all have a female-ish shape to them, although they're clearly at least part plant, their hair being the sides of their head peeling off as leaves. Two words: Bulbous hips - as in - dat ass
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How much is everyone willing to bet that the Vilk "Polonaises" him . . . TAKING ALL BETS!
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Why the hell not... 10 thrones and an old copy of Guardsman's Life on yes.

Bet taken good sir!

>captcha = Are Tchwm

Are touch em? captcha you filthy harlot! Don't make me place bets on you too!
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Damnit, forgot pic
They sound just like home!

So... I have a date with a trash collecting plant alien.

Reading up on them I realize that me offering to shake hands actually meant something very different to 'her' (they all identify as female when it comes to communicating with others) Basically I allowed her to 'snack' on the oils on my skin. No wonder the skin in the palm of my hand felt dry afterwards. This means they can absorb nutrients through their hands as well. No wait, the datalinks say they can feed through any 'root-limb' - so, hands and feet. Funky.

The Vlik have some... interesting... political views by the way. Being largely plants, they don't mind starving enemies of ressources, and their views on private property weren't really compatible either to begin with. They too tried to start shit with the rest of galactic civilization after first contact, although they were quick to surrender and retool their society. Thats another aspect of the Vlik: They adapt really really quickly. Like I said, then they dont evolve. But the Vlim left behind the tech used to create the Vlik, so the Vlik have been continuously modifiying themselves into a myriad of subspecies depending on where they go and what planets they colonize.

Some now look more like tulips for the green earth-like worlds, while on dry arid worlds they grow more knobby and palm-like. One of the pictures of the palm-Vlik reminded me of my grandfather's pokemon.

the Vlik that live in space are more... blank - so to say. They're made to be more dynamic and adaptive, to hold more fluids inside (makes dem hips and whatnot) to compensate for the often dry airconditioned spaceships and stations.

So basically imagine a green stick figure, with limbs of long smooth leaves, with brown fingers and feet. Their heads are... I wont say 'blossoms with faces' - but I can't really find any other way to describe their anatomy.

I do wonder what we'll end up doing. I'm meeting her at her place.

her name is Poks

Someone has been playing too much Conker's Bad Fur Day I think.
>grandfather's pokemon
You don't mean...
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aww yeah!
I thought he said palm tree...

never seen it. I've heard of it. wasn't it a movie?


Ok, the date was awesome

See, while the bug-girl or jabba the slut were ugly by human standards - then this lovely Vlik has curves, and...seriously... she read up on human anatomy.

and she adapted.

She did so by injecting fluids into her torso. I have never had a girl grow boobs for me.

Her hair feels like stroking a field of tall grass. Smells similarly too. She liked me stroking her, and she liked to return the favor - dry skin to follow, but I got some moisturiser. Its orange flavored. She loved it.

That said, all we really did amounted to heavy petting. while she had ample hips and boobs then they didn't have the same sensitivity as the human versions.

We did however manage to make out quite well. Tasted a bit weird, but it was heavenly none the less. The snagle-toothed chinese prostitute had tasted like rot with an aftertaste of clorine.

We agreed to meet again. Going out to eat isn't really an option, since Vlik 'eat' all the time by absorbing nutrients through their hands and feet, especially while sitting on or sleeping in large tubs of dirt.

I left our activity up to Poks, returning to my quarters in a haze of feels and relaxation. I just felt so at ease.

I didn't expect to see Jabba the slut in my bed, waving around a half-empty tube of lube while undulating on my now thoroughly ruined bedsheets.

Security didn't have fun removing her (she was really slippery, half a big tube of lube...) but I found it enjoyable to hear her lamentations.
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You'd better fuck one of those two! I have money riding on it hehe.
I am anxiously awaiting the other boot dropping...
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Oh god-emperor...
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The betting thing going on?

I bet the entire Blood Ravens Chapter he DOESN'T do the plant girl.
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Aww shit. What am I gonna do with dem blood ravens.

Vlik would look like this, but almost stick-figure slim - and Poks is all green. and about 2 meters tall.


So... Poks arranged for a game. Hologram technology does exist, and makes for neat movie experiences, but its apparently not possible to make live-action hologram games. so holodecks aren't possible yet, at least not that anyone here knows.

The game that Poks set up for us was one of the things that the station gets a good deal of tourism for: SWGs - Space-walk games.

Basically you strap on a vac-suit with a backback that houses a small C-fusion core and vector thrusters... and then you fly around in space a bit like a racing game, your helmet HUD showing waypoints in form of glowing rings.

It was quite fun. I have never tried this before, but I did play a lot of space-flight sims as a kid. Poks has done this before. She completely schooled me.

However, these game suits also have sensors that allow for a kind of zero-G real life FPS. This was fun. We were both fairly equal, my limited firearms training from the diplomatic core helping me quite a bit with the virtual 'point and shoot' game system, making me learn it quickly VS Pok's experience with the game.
Bump for continuing of story

righto - to clarify, I'm at a political seminar, writing a little during and mostly between classes... hence the sporadic updating. But the thread is archived, so you can just catch up later if you want.


Poks took me to see the other Vlik at the station. Most of them work with waste management, especially organic waste treatment, since this allows them to eat on the job... literally

I saw six Vlik sit by a huge steamy pool of alien piss and shit - doesn't look much different from human waste really, smells the same too - with bare feet in the pool, soaking up nutrients.

It was weird to see. Wasn't anything I'd ever want to dip anything in, especially with all the pale lumpy turds floating around on the surface.

Anywho, aside from the shiteaters (the work crew of Vlik honestly called themselves that... or at least the translator device did) then the Vlik on the station were Vlik government funded geneticists. They were the driving force behind Vlik evolution.

They were also the ones who did the boobjob on Poks

And then we started talking:

Apparently the Vlik currently only reproduce asexually by crapping out a seed pod. The ancient documentation of their creation explains that this was because the Vlim didn't have time to fully develop the Vlik as bi-gendered. That said, it was clear from the documentation that they were meant to be made bi-gendered.

That's what the geneticists were working on. And not just that, they were trying to make it better than usual male/female coupling... mainly because making half the Vlik population male just didn't seem like 'enough' to them.

ok, that's how the translater put it - and they agreed that it wasn't doing it right. A more thorough explanation is in order.
rolled 22 = 22

Incoming futa plant people

Ok, so... being a diplomat and all they expect me to stay quiet about this, so this is only going on my personal log, not the publicly accessible one.

Anywho, the Vlik genetic expansion project won't change that much. What it will change is how their seeds are 'fertilized' and enable it to absorb new DNA.

there's apparently already gubbins in place for this, which is how the Vlik have diversified their own species to adapt to different planetary or deep space conditions. Their zero-G sub-species doesn't have legs but has four arms for example - and for 'legs' they have a tangle roots that actually look like normal roots for a tree or something, but it has muscles and stuff in it, so it can allow the space-Vlik to move about similar to how jelly fish swim.

what the Vlik want is to tweat their DNA and anatomy so they can absorb DNA from things other than just plants. They want to enable hybridization with other physically compatible species.

...what exactly have I gotten myself into here?

Poks was very understanding in how I found this weird. Vlik sociologists predicted some level of revulsion and fright towards their plans, although they also ask for some professional confidentiality, me being a diplomat and all
I bet an entire solar system that he's gonna tap that.

nope, it turned into ME like lady-smurf things... but its not like that either, trust me


After the meeting concluded I returned home. BB came over for our usual movie night, during which I swore him to secrecy and told him of the Vlik thing.

Apparently its not that big a secret... because he knew about it, and says that most others do. The Vlik just dont acknowlegde their plans and research publicly because they don't want to tangle with the legal issues of hybrids yet.

to date there is no such thing as hybrids among aliens - but the Vlik were made to adapt and absorb new DNA. Heck, compared to Poks some of the more heavily 'modified' strains of Vlik look like entirely different species, so they can change quite a lot, and they can make those changes in just one generation with the proper injections and treatments to a seed pod.

So... BB isn't worried. As he puts it then their quest for 'compatible' partner species to hybridize with limits them to less than 8% of galactic civilization.

Weird shit.

Anywho, we saw a bunch of Wuxia movies. BB totally loved it. The more fantastical 'magic' martial arts showed in some of the movies confused him a little, but it was all good.

My next date with Poks is coming around. I had dirt shipped in from earth for her to sample. She was very impressed.

She also noted that one of the very likely outcomes of Vlik hybridization is that the hybrids will have to eat solids - and they'll probably loose the ability to absorb nutrients via their hands and feet.

"Its a lot of change, but we are looking forward to growing with the challenge" as she put it. Vlik language uses a lot of 'growing' puns and similar terms.

...and tonight she revealed to me that she made herself able to conduct intercourse through surgery.

Ya I was kinda caught off guard on that on. Turned out that her gene-techs and doctors actually simply made her a six inch deep flesh wound 'at the right spot', treated it so it wouldn't heal over, then gave her some hormone and other treatments to spark nerve growth in it...

oh ya, Vlik medical science is just nuts. They can regrow any lost limb. Heck, if you take their heads off they wont die! They just regrow a new head, which retains enough basic memories to keep adult faculties of their bodies and most of their language... effectively reducing them to children, but they'll grow back into the same personality as their body chemistry doesn't change. With recordings of their life they can be retrained into the same person, more or less.

so ya, Poks had a vag made for me - because she wants to be with me, in every way possible.

Its weird as hell, but I love this girl. I finally got an alien I can love, who loves me to.

>also, probably wont get to post much more tonight. Maybe tomorrow, maybe this evening. No guarantees.
We await your return.
Awaiting bad end wanting good end though.

awaiting OP's descent into the madness of Slaneesh~
Come baaack, fleshling! I wish to *squeeze* your *juice*!
Shit, gotta deliver - anon style


My junk smells a bit like clorofyl, but aside from that then I am in heaven right now. I don't know exactly what Poks did, and Vlik surgical 'adaptation' is still really weird to me... but that was the best damn bit of rough I have ever had. Seriously.

...that she said that she litereallly 'fed on me' from my 'emissions' was a little creepy, but what guy hasn't honestly fantasized about having a girlfriend who lives purely by his dickings?

I mean, seriously

ok, she still likes to 'eat' from the earth dirt I got. Plant mulch is quite popular apparently. I may have to contact earth trade authority to set up trade agreements. Fun!

Anywho, with an actual relationship going, I've been thinking. The Vlik are really 'digging' the terran dirt I've shipped to them, but they want more.

So... why not a trip to Sol system?

My tour here at the station is soon over, and the Vlik don't really care where they do their hybridization studies - heck, if they can be allowed to set up a lab on earth to work on human/Vlik compatibility they'd probably be bursting with joy

So - that's what I've suggested

The Vlik star-cruiser is scheduled to arrive in a few weeks. Earth trade authority has ok'd initial dirt trade, and we'll start talks on the lab thing once we get there. I might end up as the official human ambassador to the Vlik. Don't mind if I do.

The trip to earth was fairly standard. I mean, really - with space folding it doesn't matter how far you're going, you're there once the fold drive kicks in. The Vlik on board found the sight of our green earth quite... appetising. I think a few of them got a little aroused. I think the whole 'getting reproductive urges when you see fertile soil' is a very Vlik thing. It doesn't really make sense to anyone else.

Me and Poks traveled around earth, seeing the sites, sampling local cuisine. That is, Poks walked around on a lot of different patched of dirt, beaches, had a 'drink' in the oceans and rivers... she had fun

She was quick to note the aftertastes of earth's industrial era. Apparently there still were a lot of heavy metals and other weird chemical trace elements in a lot of the places we went. Really? But the New New Jersey beaches are the cleanest on the planet after the Warriors for Good Taste terrorist bombings 600 years ago wiped out all the guidos. Oh well

As expected I got the gig as official ambassador to the Vlik. Poks have made a few more alterations to her body, to better fit in with humanity. She's increased her skin-sensitivity to match ours, as well as started wearing clothes... usually stuff with floral patterns.

My office at the orbital embassy station means I shuttle around a lot from the surface, but it also made finding a place to live really easy since everything would be a commute either way.

We had this nice little house built in the northern Mediterranean. While not having any dirt floors, then we do have a big yard and garden - and guess what? We've got a seed pod growing in the nursery. I was a bit hesitant at first, but Poks insisted: It got some of the experimental treatment to enable hybridization. I guess I wont get out of playing 'overprotective dad' after all. Well, dad and dad... Poks say that in their culture its more like her getting a little sister.

Still, she'll be my little in my mind.

That's it from here. Maybe another day I'll write the name of [Insert name here]'s daughter and her life, dodging religious nuts who think Vlik/human hybridization is a deadly sin, or alien mercs who want to capture her and breed an army of regenerating super aliens. Fun time all around.


It is good.
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>But the New New Jersey beaches are the cleanest on the planet after the Warriors for Good Taste terrorist bombings 600 years ago wiped out all the guidos. Oh well
Anon, I still like you. Why don't you come over to my place and fuck my sister?

Oh come on, I'd stuck it out this long without making any refs to 20th century earth... I think

Had to put something in here at the end

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