You're going to show us anyway, so why ask?

g'doiy.

Yes we do. nNo mater how terrible.

>>21661873
To be polite. I spent two weeks on it, it would be nice to have someone other than a single producer look at it.

Fuck Frederator

I liked them man

File: 1353379064980.png-(2 KB, 170x151, charlesworthingtoniiisays.png)

>>21661849

You have my attention.

>>21661932
lol

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>>21661910

They were really nice, I just need to make a tighter story, since they aren't looking for big stories, but stand alone little five minute shorts they can worry about expanding on latter.

I think I started too big, and I need to focus in one a single story arc.

I am laughing here.

Keep going, please.

I like these, continue!

>>21661968

>they aren't looking for big stories, but stand alone little five minute shorts they can worry about expanding on latter.

Dude, you can totally do that with some /tg/ material! Keep your chin up.

The humor is pretty "Meh" and could probably be improved upon.

Seems pretty funny to me, OP. Keep us updated on what happens next time you submit something.

>>21661968
Yeah, a lot of studios are just looking for low risk "concepts" that can easily be made and then scrapped when it comes to new artists and writers. Hopefully you'll find something that sticks. Keep up the great work bro.

I'm lovin it so far, OP.

Cool stuff.

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>>21662181

>>21662181
>>21662199

I had to draw four kids instead of 2 or 3, which would have been way easier, for this horrible "you can't play D&D with less than 4 halflings LotR joke" and I'm wondering if it was even worth it.

I laughed. Good job OP

I need to know- why bother introducing so many characters if you'll just kill them off?

>>21662215
it may be to diluted of a reference for someone not like, intimate with LoTR to get at first glance.

Heh. Funny stuff, OP.
I like it atleast

>>21661849
I laughed a little. It's funny, but not in the "nerd humor" way. It's the hatefulness between at least Pete and Vince that I like. It's genuine.

If you're writing, try not to make it too "epic". This feels more niche slice of life with weirdness to me. And that sells right? Just aim to be less Robot Jones and more Regular Show as far as selling goes.

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>>21662272

I only killed one, and it was all for the 3 halflings joke.

I'm still new at this. :/

I like pete's anger and spite more than the /tg/ jokes.

>>21662300
disregard that, I suck cocks. I mean vince

>>21661932
this was the best bit

I like it OP.

I like it OP. As has been mentioned Vince is probably the best character (Well I like him anyway...)

My advice would be to ditch the halflings joke, which while amusing is a bit too out there.

Focus on the slice of life/wierd shit balance and just make the fact that these guys are nerds by having them do nerd stuff.

Like what could we do instead of halflings...?

Ooh maybe throw that out and use a Risk style RPG instead?

either way cut down on the build up in your jokes, the Albino Dark Elves thing is a good example but that plays to Vince's character. Maybe you should make the jokes character themed?

>>21662585
>just make the fact that these guys are nerds by having them do nerd stuff.

But don't have the point of the jokes be "they are nerds, lol".
To avoid this, watch big bang theory and see how not to do it.

>>21662585

It turns out Vince being a cynical dickhead was a popular choice. I didn't expect that.

Good advice.

I might take out two of the kids, and replace one with a love interest.

The dynamic was supposed to be:

Reggie - shy and naive, new to school.
Slack - best friend, and instigator of problems for Reggie.
Vince - Asian kid who was kicked out of a prep school and is now in public school and is resentful.
Georgia - love interest, black girl at school.
Violet - want his death to the world baby.

I guess the two other kids aren't really very necessary.

>>21662641
yeah big bang theory is "LAWL SO NERDY!"

I'm going more for "These are nerds, they do nerd things." Like say the guys are playing a Risk lookalike and they're trading resources. One guy gets a shipload of elf slaves. "What are you gonna do with all those slaves?" could be a good /tg/ related joke for that situation.

Or you could just find some history or fantasy themed jokes to throw in there, use the nerd stuff as a back drop for your jokes. The nerd stuff shouldn't be the joke itself.

Oh and the wierd stuff needs to be in there. "MY UTERUS HUNGERS FOR THE APOCALYPSE" is fucking classic. I woul pay good money to see that animated.

What do you think of this line of dialogue for Vince.

Vince: "You know what sucks about everything?"

Reggie: "What?"

Vince: "Everything."

>>21662679
The basic concept is "demon from hell ends up at normal human high school hanging out with nerds", right? If so, a good angle to play up could be some sort of "nobody but the nerds see Reggie as being a demon" as a kind of metaphor for the "Nobody at school but me understands [nerdy hobby]!" sort of thing.

In fact, there's an idea. Give us the elevator pitch for your show.

>>21662746

In the original ten minute pilot I had planned people just thought he was Asian.

>>21662762
>In the original ten minute pilot I had planned people just thought he was Asian.
I really, really like that.

>But Marceline, he's a demon!
>Ohmigosh Vince, you're so racist! There's nothing wrong with Japanese people!

>>21662762
Reminds a very little of (really sorry) family guy. The son's japanese friend that no one understands, yet says horrible things all the time.
Instead yours would maybe say those things and people are like "haha, you asians have a weird sense of humour" or something.

I'm bad at comedy

>>21662762
One thing you should have as a frequent occurence I think, is that a problem from hell happens and only the nerds can stop it. But that's maybe a one in 6 episode occurence.

But that's mostly because I'm a sucker for "Dude, where's my respect" in cartoons.

Either way it's pretty clear that Reggie is going to get a lot of misery from his demon's blood and that should b spread around.

>>21662807
>Vince: What the hell is that supposed to mean! I'm asian, hell my grand parents were put in detention camps during the WW2!
>Marceline: Oh so you're asian but you hate other asians?! That is so sick.

>>21662807
Oh, another one along those lines could be using fantasy terminology that gets used in everyday language
>My sister is a succubus
>Dude, that's a little harsh. I mean, I know she's seen a few guys and all, but still...
>No, she's a literal succubus. She feeds on her partners' souls.

>>21662814
That's american dad

>>21662866
Shit. Before writing that I was thinking "Don't write family guy, it's actually AD". Damn you short atten
Anybody wants to play ball?
Polite sage

>>21662886
Don't feel too bad, American Dad and Family Guy are so similar it isn't even that funny.

I'm pretty sure they even make fun of how similar the shows are in the Cleveland Show.

>>21662110
THIS RIGHT HERE!!

>>21662110
>>21662937
Yeah, this was my favourite scene, although it might be too niche.

Vince is a good character. All his lines are gold.

The rest is mediocre.

>>21662814
American Dad, and Toshi doesn't always say horrible things.

Nigga you need to watch some more American Dad, I'd say it's the best of the three McFuckland series.

>>21662679
Slack is needless. Cut the core cast down to Reggie, Vince, and Violet.

>>21662735
It's shit.

>>21662955
Yea, I think it's the 'best' too.
And yea, he doesn't always, but you get the gist of what I was trying to convey albeit being bad at comedy.
The show is airing at bad times on a bad channel here, so I rarely happen to stumble upon it.

>>21662954
The rest are under developed my dear anon.

We all love Vince because we've all had Vince moments. most fa/tg/uys, no matter how nice, have that deep, burning core of cynical rage.

Vince lets that bitter rage out, he FLAUNTS it and fufills the fantasy of being an angry asshole 24/7 with no major consequences that we all share.

that's why I like him anyway.

Hrm. Any chance we could see a potential plot?

I kind of want to see more interaction with other people outside of the nerd group. It would be nice to see that his natural shyness is more of a deterrent then people pushing him away for being a nerd.

Can we just see the pilot?

>>21663011
Those people might be fun in stories or fantasies, but should eat a dick if they are real people.

>>21663003
Georgia might be handy too for conversation at school.

>>21663003
No no, you need Slack as a foil to vincent. Reggie is the classic fish out of water trying to fit in, and Slack and Vincent offer counterpoints of how to approach the problems in his life.

It's like that tubby kid and the skinny one from the Anime club comic....you guys know the one, with the ungraceful swine reaction face?

>>21663026
it's not being made bro, that's why he came here.

>>21663050
That's not "core cast", it's "supporting cast".

>>21663058

My bad.

> I submitted a cartoon pilot

implies a cartoon pilot was produced, and then submitted.

>>21663037
that's why I said its a fantasy, its amusing in comedy but people who are angry dicks all day erry day suck to be around.

Basically we should keep characters who can be amusing. Slack shouldn't just be the load, we should keep him and give him some redeeming characteristics, maybe have him come thtrough every now and again and help reggie with stuff like girls or emotional issues.

Some of these are clever.

>>21663058
Something like it might be, see:
>They declined on it, but asked me for another.
>but asked me for another.

OP, is that another pilot of the same general idea, or a whole new concept entirely?

Hey OP! We're in the same boat. I wrote a script for a pilot to an animated series and shopped it around to a bunch of producers. One of them actually loved it, but of course, had no idea what the fuck to do with a pilot for an animated series, and so had to decline.

Shit's rough.

>>21663003
I figured Slack would be played as the straight man, to bounce jokes off of. Vince is cynical, by the rules of reality kind of person. Slack could be the "its magic/fun/mythology, shit doesn't need to make sense if its entertaining" side of that. Slack is laid back, Vince is up tight, Slack is Rule of Cool/Rules as Intended, Vince is Rules as Written. A personality surrounded by those similar to it doesn't properly show up the good/bad parts of the personality, or highlight the hilarity of the situation.

This is all just my opinion however, and I may very well have no idea what I'm talking about, but its just my view on these things.

>>21663052
KC Green's Gunshow comics, "Anime Club" to be specific.

SMEGMA PRINCESS

>>21663108
Can you name a situation where Slack would be useful that couldn't be handled better using Vince and Reggie?

>>21663108
see this is exactly what I was talking about, you need balance, Vince is the character you like because he won't hesistate to be a jerk, but you'll also like Slack because he's the type of guy who'd GM a Megas XLR AdEva campaign.

If you want Vince you gotta have slacck, other wise Vince suffers for lack of Slack.

>>21663052
>implying all four characters in Anime Club were necessary
There was the new guy, the tub of lard, Mark (who only mattered in the storyline where that guy put a virus on the computer), and the other one who never mattered.

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>>21663076

Yeah. I like drawing, storyboarding, and writing a lot, but when it comes down to the animation I'm extremely amateurish and lazy.

For instance, here's an animation I did for a different series I never completed.

http://youtu.be/AwhVQc8HkN0?hd=1

Please, for your own sanity, don't look at my other stuff.

Also, if you see any of (pic related) I did a majority of them. Everything but the 420 Blaze it Faggot I used as a template.

>>21663147
Who would play the middle man? Reggie would be perfect for playing the middle ground between them, because without you just get two extremes.

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>>21663094

They said, revamp it and send it back, or give us another storyboard concept for a new pitch.

My other pitch idea is The Creature from the Black Lagoon and The Mummy are roommates.

>>21663175
>>21663108
Slack needs something else to make him matter, then.

>>21663180

What studio are you submitting to, if you don't mind my asking?

>>21663175

He grew up in the woods.

He's the naive new guy, and Slack and Vince are two different points of view.

Vince is an Asian kid who got kicked out of an ivy league prep school for being too much of an asshole, and he's bitter about it. He's very smart, and works very hard on everything he does.

Slack is carefree, and loves to get into trouble. Rarely thinks ahead, and doesn't consider consequences.

I think that dynamic is the way to go.

Plus you have two love interests. Georgia - the cute captain of the girls soccer team, and Violet - who wants to bang him to end the earth.

>>21663171
>Dangeroy: Robot Puncher
I would have liked to watch that...

>>21663180
That pitch is shit, go with the revamp.

>>21663213

It was to Frederator for Cartoon Hangover - their brand new, and a tiny bit more adult online animation branch.

>>21663224
>Georgia
This character wasn't in anything posted here, so we have no idea how important or worthwhile he may be.

>>21663180
I like it. But I don't know how many excellent jokes you could get out of this pair. Either way this strip is a 10/10 for me.

I still think you should stick with Reggie Goathead though.

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>>21663234

They mostly do nothing and complain about other monsters getting all the attention.

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>>21663264

>>21663264
>>21663180
>The Creature from the Black Lagoon
D'awwww.

>>21663224
okay see this exactly why you need slack, he can be a source of crazy situations and Vince can be the voice of reason when those crazy situations come up.

I mean you have a guy with Demon's blood on hand and the prom's coming up. Why not summon up some succubi as prom dates right?

>>21663237

How does one go about submitting shit to them?

>>21663270
I don't know why, but I love this shit.
combine the two ideas. Monster High

>>21663264
I shouldn't have laughed as hard at that as I did. I'm saving it.

>>21663301

I had sent them stuff a long time ago, and I guess when this online series came up they looked in their file of "wannabe kids who submitted unsolicited dumb shit" and pulled me out of it and asked for me to send a storyboard.

>>21663264
Nope, still shit.

>>21663305
There might be something worthwhile here.

>>21663298

> Vince: Dude, Succubi have sex with you, and then suck out your soul.
> Slack: So what you're saying is, they have sex with you.
> Vince: Yeah, but then they suck out your soul.
> Slack: AFTER they have sex with you.
> Vince: (beat) Oh shit, you're right; let's do it!

>>21663270
>>21663264
okay you need to include these guys in ten second shorts with Reggie Goathead.

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>>21663330

Here's one more last one.

You guys have been extremely helpful in helping me build the show. The complaint they had was that the show wasn't concise enough.

It needed much stronger characterizations. Reggie needed to be active, rather than reactive in the plot (even though I didn't anticipate that being in his nature), and there's not much room or time for subplots. So things need to all fit together. For instance, instead of "this happened, and this happened, and this happened," make it "this happened, but this happened, therefore this happened."

>>21663351
Those aren't Vince lines. Those are Reggie lines. Then throw in a Vince line about how they'd still be much improved by the transaction.

>>21663270

You should make them Reggie's legal guardians.

>>21663169
The way Dave flips from not saying, doing, or emoting anything to losing his fucking mind was great, though. And without Mark there'd be no one to rpiss off Mort properly.

>>21663376
>The complaint they had was that the show wasn't concise enough.
Well, it's not.

>>21663351

I am considering stealing this, but it wouldn't happen for at least a year after they made the pilot, so chances are like .000001%

Very good stuff.

>>21663351
exactly, then we can have a long highly unlikely chain of events that leads to them getting cockblocked somehow.

>>21663351

> Yeah, but then they suck out your soul.
> So what you're saying is, it's a trade.
> What? NO!
> One night, one soul.
> Are you fucking kidding me?!
> Do you think you could do like half a night for half a soul?
> Jesus...
> How much for like an hour? Like a tenth of a soul? I could do a tenth.

>>21663376
Mummy needs a crush/girlfriend.

What other B Movie monsters can you pull out?
Little Green Woman from Mars?

>>21663433

Fifty-foot woman.

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>>21663442

>>21663431
okay now that is a Slack&Vince exchange.

>>21663376
>The complaint they had was that the show wasn't concise enough.
Lets hear your elevator pitch then.

>>21663442
>>21663462
How very /d/.

>>21663394
>>21663351

Go for it, man. You can have >>21663431 too.

Let me ask you this: would you have any interest in reading a script I wrote? And/or would you have any interest in storyboarding somebody else's script?

I'm >>21663101

>>21663442
>"I just can't seem to get her to notice me."
>"Well, try... you know, dressing up or something."
>"No, I mean LITERALLY notice me. My voice doesn't carry far enough."

>>21663383
Perfect solution. OP, do this.

>>21663376
Here's your pilot plot:
Reggie leaves home to the new school, saying goodbye to his two dads, the Mummy and the Creature from the Black Lagoon. While at school he meets Slack, who is cool to him, and Violet who wants to be impregnated with his world-ending spawn. After school, Slack invites him to come to "the game" with him, which turns out to be not-D&D. The party consists of Slack, Violet, Vince (previously unintroduced) an unnamed fourth, and now Reggie. Reggie plays a Skelemancer, and casts the spell from the rulebook which summons the Skeleton King. He kills the fourth, as per the current script. Players react, Slack says "So... same time next week?" Reggie says "Uh, yeah. Sure." Credits roll and it's the start of a beautiful series.

File: 1353385578434.gif-(497 KB, 500x270, 1325214257263.gif)

>>21663442
>>21663462
Sounds good to me.

>>21663491
dude, it's like a one-off if it ever gets implemented. how would that fit in.

>>21663487
His two dads? They're faking being gay, right?

....so Adam Sandler is the Mummy, and Kevin James is CftBL?

>uptherag Dionysii
YOU READ THE CAPTCHA! UP THAT MUHFUGGIN RAG

>>21663515

Well, it would be a one off like Adventure Time was a one off.

It's made with the possibility of a series in mind, but it has to test well enough for that first.

>>21663487
actually that sounds like it would be great.

It would set the tone, introduce the characters, and give us an idea of what we're in store for. Plus it lets us keep the "We're here for the virgin!" joke.

>>21663533

They're faking being gay to be allowed to exist on this mortal plane. If it comes out that they're not together, they'll be hunted down by a Witch Hunting branch of the federal government. They only hunt heterosexual monsters, because heterosexual monsters are the only ones at risk of spreading their seed and creating more monsters.

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>>21663548

It was part of a bit where Vince was the one who had access to the AV Room they played in, which skeletons wrecked.

>>21663561
No, it's because homosexual monsters are protected by anti-discrimination laws.

I liked the skeletons bit, the rest was meh.

>>21663383
I really like the idea of monsters being a part of Reggie's home life, you should look into that.

Also, I'm probably the only one who cares, but introducing characters like Peter just to kill them off changes the tone of the work a bit. Kinda makes his friends seem like dicks.

>>21663584

Just toss in a throwaway line about how they skeletons will bring him back after they've had their way with him.

>>21663592
And then you can imply that this has happened to Reggie's acquaintances before.

>>21663581
maybe its my inner street samurai but Vince's SHAMFUR DISPRAY ther etickles me sumthin' fierce.

>>21663611

I was going to make the kid a Redhead, and have him show up later in the series.

"Once they realized I had no soul they sent me back."

>>21663592

They need a virgin. Once he's stopped being a virgin, their use runs out.

> Hey, uh....are they gonna bring Pete back?
> Yeah. (beat) After.

>>21663666
Only Satan could come up with something so awful and yet hilarious.

>>21663666
Reintroduce him as a Goth? Or possibly resenting Reggie? Antagonistic presence in the group- a sort of frenemy looking to get back at him for the skelerape

>>21663755
Have him become a pseudo-alpha who has 'done it', but still has to take shit from normal people. Also developed a skinny fetish

Reminds me a lot of The Anime Club. This is a good thing.

>>21663771
>>21663755
Combine these. Give him a polo of flayed human skin, a hat wrought of evil bones. And shades forged of darkest nightmare.

I disagree with everyone talking about Peter's disappearance. It's funnier if nobody ever mentions it again. Like how nobody notices Reggie being a goat, nobody notices that Peter was taken by skeletons.

Skeletons can be recurring characters though, just being skeletons.

>>21663793
Pedo stache.

>>21663755

Nah, just never reference it again. Except once.

> So hey Pete, what was it like?
> What was what like?
> Being gang-raped by skeletons.
> What?
> What was it like?
> I don't know what you're talking about.
> You got dragged off to hell and gang-raped by skeletons.
> What? When was this?
> Like a month and a half ago!
> (laughing) Come on, I think I would remember something like that. You guys. (shoulder-punch) Buncha kidders. (laughs way too loudly)

>>21663793
give himj an anorexic girlfriend who hangs around with him on a leash. Basically a creepy pervert with hellacious artifacts

>>21663817
Or Peter just shows up with the skeletons, either just normal or wearing armour like the skeletons. Nobody acknowledges it, at most Slack says "Hey Pete."
"Hey."

Don't being Pete back at all, unless he's needed for some plot. Maybe show him periodically as a background character with skeletons.

>>21663845
oh this is an and excellent fucking idea.

Make sure to highlight how bright and chery Pete is.

He will always be bright and cheery no matter what happens.

So, any chance of you uploading the entire storyboard somewhere?

>>21663859
They're chilling out in the lunchroom. Pete and the skeletons. Pete is dressed up like an indian shaman all animal bones n' shit.

>>21663861

> Jesus, Pete, we watched you get disemboweled by that minotaur!
> Nah, he was goofin around.
> YOUR BLOOD GOT IN MY MOUTH! I SWALLOWED SOME OF YOUR BLOOD!
> (Pete laughs) Dude, gay!

>>21663592
And also have him come back with bitching loot.
>Guys! Guys! I found a sword that fucking LIGHTS ON FIRE when you say the command phrase!
>Bullshit.
>No, really!
>Then prove it. Say the command phrase.
>I, uh...
>Why the hesitation?
>Can I just say it outside and bring it back in once it's on fire?
>No. Right here, right now.
>*sighs* Fine.
>[indistinct mumbling]
>What the hell are you saying?
>[slightly louder indistinct mumbling]
>Spit it out, mushmouth.
>[yelling] OH GOD PLEASE DON'T KILL ME I'LL SUCK YOUR DICK IF YOU DON'T KILL ME
>*sword lights on fire*
>Dude. What the fuck?
>I thought I was going to get killed by those skeletons, so I started trying anything I could to get away. They thought that my begging was so impressive-
>Impressive.
>Yes, impressive. They said that they hadn't seen someone beg like that in decades. Anyway, they liked my begging so much that they decided to give me the sword as a gift and send me back.
>Skeletons don't even have penises you fucking chode. Way to waste an item.
>Hey, at least *I* have a flaming sword
>That you'll never be able to use in front of anyone without setting yourself up for a lifetime of ridicule.
>Shut up.


I like the idea of skeletons that troll people for shits and giggles. Like, there's only a handful of skeletons for all of the summons in the world and they've gotten so damn bored over the years that instead of killing people they just prank them instead.

>>21661872
>We've never had so many options before.
I'm laughing already.

>>21661968
I like it.

>>21663886

Tears.

>>21662735
Reading that, I almost expect Vince is clarifying what he just said, because he thinks Reggie did not hear him but I got dem braindawgs so what do I know

>>21663882
Exactly, horrible stuff happens to him every few episodes and he's always there at the start of the next one. People mention one of the events occasionally but he just laughs it off.

Bonus points if he uses words and phrases that are absurdly upbeat. "No problemo!" " That's real neat!" "What a swell guy!"

>>21663846
I assume he Catans.

>>21663886
So he gets pretty cool items that require him to look like a faggot?

>>21662181
That 4th panel is fucking reaction image material.

File: 1353387922241.png-(42 KB, 150x203, 150px-KennyMcCormick.png)

>>21663949
So, basically, Kenny

>>21663949

Voiced by Jack McBrayer.

This is a very long thread and my eyes are tired, so I apologize if these ideas have happened before.

1) Maybe have like 1/3 of any episode be in the game world, and have them dealing with the real world through the game? Like, the guys are fighting over a girl IRL, so they fight over a girl in the game, realize they don't want to lose their characters over her, realize they don't want to lose their friends over IRL girl, the end. 1/3 real world, 1/3 game, 1/3 real world.

2) Maybe have them play other games than just D&D? Then you can experiment with different genres, different art styles, different jokes.

>>21664052
It's not that kind of show.

File: 1353388196077.png-(301 KB, 1372x2600, Shy-chans DnD Show.png)

>>21664052
Wrong show.

File: 1353388304130.jpg-(160 KB, 1650x1275, goathead-1.jpg)

OP here: This is the new script (probably with some problems I need to work out).

Open: School
We pan across the front row in school, looking at each normal looking kid, then pan to Reggie.
He is staring intently to the right, we keep panning and see a girl on the end diligently taking notes on the teacher’s lecture. We snap pan back to Reggie.
Bell Rings.
Slack: “Hey, Reggie. Hey. Me and some other kids are going to sneak into the AV room for lunch and play a game, you want in?”
Reggie: “What game?”
Slack: “Only the greatest game ever! Mansions and Manticores, and Georgia said she’d come.”
Reggie: “Georgia will be there?”
Slack: “Oh man, I saw you checking out Georgia. Your dad must have been a monster truck ‘cause you’re crushin. And I guess that would make your mom, like, what, a goat?”
Reggie: “I don’t know Slack, I never knew my parents. I think I was a science experiment gone wrong, or a byproduct of some kind of Tijuana sex show. Either would help explain my nonstop craving for Carl Sagan and chimichangas.”
BEAT
Reggie: “What can you tell me about Georgia?”
Slack: “Georgia, huh? Well she’s captain of the girls’ soccer team, so you know she knows her way around balls. But on the downside mostly by kicking them.”
Reggie: “I wrote her this note to see if she likes me. I was going to give it to her after class. What do you think?”
Slack: “Dear Georgia, my name is Reggie, I sit next to you in class. I’m the one with the horns. Do you like me, circle yes or no.”
Slack: “Hmmm… I like what you did here, it’s hard to know if a girl likes you. You gotta be specific. Dear Georgia, I want you to have my kids, literally. Girls are cryptic man, like a sphinx, but they’re sexy too, like a minx. Sexy sphinx minx.”
Georgia: “Hey guys wait up!”
Reggie: embarrassed “Hey.”
They approach Vince and Pete.

File: 1353388387765.jpg-(166 KB, 1650x1275, goathead-7.jpg)

>>21664096

Peter: “No , Dark Elves have dark skin because they’re DARK Elves.”
Vince: “Dark Elves live underground, they should be albino.”
Peter: “You’re wrong Vince, you think just because they live underground they should be blind too!?”
Vince: “Yes! Why do you hate things that make sense!?”
Vince: “Hey Slack, you got the stuff?”
Slack *whispering*: “Yeah, you bring what I asked for.”
Vince: “Oh yeah, I got it right here. Mr. Ferguson left me in charge of the audio visual room. What an ever-noob.”
Slack: “Awesome, let’s go.”
They all slide in one by one, an arm pops out and grabs Reggie and pulls him in.
Slack lights some candles, and holds a flashlight up to his face.
Kids are putting on robes, and setting up the board.
The lights shut off and a flashlight beams across Slack’s face.
Slack: “Reggie, I have an extra character sheet for you here. You’re a human necromancer.”
Slack *spookily*: “Welcome travelers, to Mansions and Manticores. I shall be your Mansion Master. Reggie, it’s your turn first.”
Reggie: “How do I play?"
Slack: “You’re only limited by your imagination! Have your character summon some skeletons.”

>>21664123

Reggie: “Okay, I summon some skeletons.”
The crack forms in the floor and green smoke and flames erupt from the crevice and skeletons crawl up from the ground.
Skeleton King: "We've come for a virgin! We've never had so many options... you'll do."
The skeletons nab Peter and drag him to hell, the crack repairs itself and disappears.
Peter: “Noooo…. I never got to kiss a girl!”
Vincer: “PETER!”
Slack: “It’s alright, he’s in a better place now. But probably not, it’s probably terrible there. Man, Reggie you are new to this. Your CHARACTER is supposed to summon the skeletons.”
Vince: *weeping*: “He had my +1 dagger, and now I’ll never get it back!”
Vince: “Why don’t you just write it in your inventory.”
Peter: “Oh yeah, why don’t I just write in whatever I want, why don’t we all just write in whatever we want and completely destroy the integrity of the game! Well, the tables ruined, I guess the game is over.”
The door slams open and there is a male teacher there with big hairy arms and a pocket protector.
Professor Ferguson: “MY SANCTUM SANCTORUM! Deceiver! Vince I trusted you!”
Vince: “The bonds of honor and trust have been shattered!”
Slack: “Scatter!”
Reggie runs out of the room, but goes the opposite direction as the other kids, and bumps into Violet.
Violet is visibly angry, and collected her tome of secrets and sees that Reggie’s face matches that of Baphomet on the cover of the book.

File: 1353388454709.jpg-(102 KB, 1650x1275, goathead-21.jpg)

>>21664132


Violet: “It’s you, the hellfather, the one prophesized to create the lord of the end times.”
Reggie: “I think you have me confused for someone else.”
Reggie collects her stuff, stares intently at the image of Baphomet on the book, and then hands it to her.
Violet: “Oh no, I know it’s you. I know it. I beg you, let me be your vessel, take me, take me now!”
Reggie: “I actually have to go.”
Violet: “Go ahead, run away child of Baphomet, but you will come back, and you will fill me with the one who will enslave mankind. My uterus is hungry for apocalypse.”
Reggie walks off and runs into the other three kids, as they catch their breath.
Reggie: “Hey, hey Georgia, I um.. here.”
Reggie shoved the note into Georgia’s hands.
She reads it and smile.
Georgia: “Do you have a pen?”
Reggie hands her a pen, and she holds the note up against the lockers and scribbles something on the note and hands it back.
Georgia: “Thanks for the game guys, but I have to get to my next class. See ya Reggie.”
Slack: “Oh man, she’s into you for sure. And you can trust my opinion about girls, I AM wearing a cape. Did she answer the note?”
We see the note, she has added a third option and checked it, it says “maybe.”
Reggie: “Not exactly, but it’s promising.”
Slack: “Sphinxes man, you can’t pin ‘em down with a straight answer.”
Reggie: “Also, I think I might be a demon.”
Slack: “Yeah, I figured after you opened that gateway to hell.”
Reggie: “Yeah, about that, I feel really bad I killed Peter.”
Vince: “Nah, that guy was a cunt.”

>>21664123
>Vince: “Yes! Why do you hate things that make sense!?”
>Vince: “Hey Slack, you got the stuff?”
Nope. You need some kind of transition. Vince can't go from saying one thing to saying a totally different thing. Better to have Slack (or someone else) say something to him to end the dark elf conversation.

>>21664132
>MY SANCTUM SANCTORUM!
Best line of the script

>>21664123
>What an ever-noob
>ever-noob
NOPE

>>21664123
>>21664132
>Slack: “You’re only limited by your imagination! Have your character summon some skeletons.”
>Reggie: “Okay, I summon some skeletons.”
No.
>Slack: “You’re only limited by your imagination! Why not summon some skeletons.”
>Reggie: "Okay" and then he does so in real life.

>>21664132
>Peter: “Oh yeah, why don’t I just write in whatever I want, why don’t we all just write in whatever we want and completely destroy the integrity of the game! Well, the tables ruined, I guess the game is over.”
Pretty sure that's supposed to be Vince.

>>21664156

Yeah I agree. It was EVERFOOL, but I thought it was heavy handed.

Give me a better suggestion and I'll use it, then send you a free t-shirt once the show makes its first million dollars.

>>21664138

I would introduce Violet a little earlier. Like throw in one line in the class, where she's in the background. Reggie says something about her, Slack responds. Just so she doesn't literally come out of nowhere all of a sudden, spouting shit about the apocalypse.

>>21664201
Why have that sentence at all?

>>21664123
keep the skelemancer page bit, I found it amusing.

>>21664215
She doesn't need to be mentioned in dialogue. Having her appear and be doing something significant in the background, enough that people notice her and get the idea that she's a goth/satanist/whatever

>>21664187
Drop the "why not" and let hypocracy be the joke.

>>21664187

> You're only limited by your imagination!
> Well, what should I do?
> I don't know man. Summon some skeletons.
> ...what, right here?
> Yeah.
> Are...are you sure?
> Yeah man, whatever, god!

> Reggie shrugs, summons skeletons

>>21664225
Agreed. "You can play a Calamitous Skelemancer!"

File: 1353388938406.png-(45 KB, 500x461, tumblr_lj23v5yPfo1qa5504o1_500.png)

>>21664187

You guys are seriously the most helpful bunch of dudes in the universe right now.

I've been talking to /co/ for years about stuff like this, and in one /tg/ thread I got the best advice ever.

Honestly I've been on /tg/ longer, but I never thought to ask about my animations here.

>>21664262
/co/ doesn't get shit done. /tg/ gets shit done.

>>21664262
You never provided awesome stuff before.

>>21664262

Writing comedy always works better with other people who share a similar sense of humor. You're trying to one-up eachother and make eachother laugh. It's why a lot of great comedy is written by pairs of writers -- it's two guys trying to make eachother laugh.

>>21664262
Most of us love watching cartoons almost as much as we like pretending to be burly men with weapons and arguing on the internet.

>inb4 the mod deletes the thread

i am loving this, keep it up OP and helpfull anons.

Make sure to archive this shit, so that we can look back on it fondly in three years when this show gets syndicated on FOX

>>21664351
God damn it, I will be so god damn proud of OP if that's the case.

File: 1353389385098.jpg-(71 KB, 720x641, letmeshowyoumycoc.jpg)

>>21664300

Well, then here's a picture of my most recently painted model.

>>21664351
I expect /tg/ to get a few subtle shout outs in the end credits or in the show.

>>21664379

I've been on 4Chan for 7 years, not only will I let people know where my help came from, I'll still be here talking to you guys if it does get made.

>>21664379
inb4 meme

>>21664145
>Vince: Why do you hate things that make sense?!
>Slack and Reggie arrive on scene, the conversation grinds to a halt as everyone looks at the kid with the goat head

Something like this?

Regardless anon is right we need a transition point for Vince.

Reading through this, you got a solid idea in here and enough humor to carry it. I heavily suggest someone whose sense of humor is similar enough to yours to encourage the one-upmanship scenario, while different enough that it doesn't get an echo chamber and let bad ideas make it through to presentation drafts.

Seriously though, the skeleton bit about never having so many options had me cracking up. Properly animated and voice acted that could be a killer joke.

>>21664430
Thing is if they notice the goathead, they must call attention to it. Unless they briefly think he's jut some other nationality.

>>21664443
I meant just.

What do you guys think of the names?

Slack was honestly written down by the first word I would describe the character with - slacker. That was it.

>>21664443

I need a scene where his goatheadedness becomes an issue.

The producer for the studio was concerned that there was no reason to have it. I kind of disagree, but having some bit using it would help me chances I think.

>>21664430
What about something like...
>Vince: Why do you hate things that make sense?!
>Slack and Reggie arrive on scene
>Peter: Slack, tell Vince to stop ruining Dark Elves.
>Slack: What? No, listen. You bring what I ask for?

>>21664466
All the names are entirely adequate.

Rolled 12

>>21664443
Or maybe he's just the new student to them

>>21664478
I don't know but I want to say wiggle it into the skeleton summoning scene.

>>21664485
No one gives a fuck about names. So yeah, these'll do, and if they higher ups want some changes, again, that's cool too.

>>21664507

What if his horns glow when he does something demonic...

How can you make his goatyness become more apparent when he's doing evil sorcerous magics?

>>21664402
As a creator you're actually encouraged to stay away from fans talking about your creation because you may sub conciously take their ideas and put it in the show and someone may get mad and try to sue. Unlikely for tgers to do that but heads-up. As I recall it's easy to get around by saying "i'm advertising the series"

>>21664479
Yes Excellent, precisely what was needed.

>>21664478
The goat headedness is INTEGRAL. But I can't think of any real jokes. Maybe have a scene where characters theorize on his nationality? (I would say mexican, chupacabras and all that.)

>>21664379
Have a cold opening of them playing some M&M with the quest prompt being “Elf slave, wat do” before the plot of the episode kicks in.

>>21664544

Yeah, but my odds of getting a show are so slim. It's nice to think about though. I do think this next version will be amazing though, and I might get a tiny bit more traction.

>>21664548
Maybe after the main group runs away, there's a side scene where Vince mentions it?

>>21664557
Yes. Reference stories and junk.

File: 1353390444309.jpg-(333 KB, 431x705, 1351845176459.jpg)

It still needs more humor at the beginning...

>>21664641

What about.


Slack *spookily*: “Welcome travelers, I shall be your Mansion Master. When we last left off Vince had amassed a harem of elven slave girls. Reggie, it’s your turn first.”
Reggie: “How do I play?”

There's room for a joke there. I'm not sure what.

>>21664637
actually come to think of it one anon's suggestion "Glowing horns" seems to have potential. Lets have Reggie capable of magic whenever and when he does it his eyes glow, smoke pours out of his nostrils...

obvious demon stuff.

>>21664637
And then we link back to what that one anon said, about other people seeing him as asian.

>>21664684

Reggie: “Also, I think I might be a demon.”
Slack: “Yeah, we all though you were Asian, but I figured that out after you opened that gateway to hell.”
Vince: “I knew he wasn’t Asian!”
Reggie: “Yeah, about that, I feel really bad I killed Peter.”
Vince: “Nah, that guy was a cunt.”

>>21664677

Just go completely over-the-top with it. Fire streams out of his mouth, blood seeps out of his eyes, horns grow ten feet long and become absurdly many-branched, etc. Then the instant it's over he's back to normal. Though there's still streaks of blood down the front of his hoodie.

>>21664736
And, of course, nobody reacts to this at all with the possible exception of the main characters.

>>21664797
if its ever referenced its only the nerds have been sent to counseling for "Ethnicity Tolerance Therapy" concerning Reggie's "Esoteric Asian Culture."

>>21662181
>the kid on the far right in the last panel
I'm dying.

>>21664736

> Hey Reggie, light my cigarette?
> Sure, no problem.
> REGGIE SCREAMS DEMON-TONGUES; FIRE STREAMS OUT OF HIS EYES AND lights the cigarette
> Reggie (back to normal) Wait, when did you start smoking?

>>21664829
Episode idea: a character gets sent to detention for "intolerance of foreign cultures" after calling Reggie a demon, and the rest of the kids need to bust him out. Possibly with "Man, real life is so much more boring than [game]" dialogue at the start and finish of the episode despite the rest of it being over the top espionage action.

>>21664896

The man gives you a package you have to take back to the village two thousand miles away.

FUCK YEAH EXCITEMENT!

>>21664478
Have Vince speak French to him then be surprised he wasn't French.

>>21664859
Someone else should say the last line.
"Wait, what the fuck? When did you start smoking?"

GUYS
WHAT IF
HEY GUYS
GUYS
GUYS WHAT IF WE
GUYS LISTEN
GUYS WHAT IF WE MADE EVERYONE THINK REGGIE WAS FROM THE MIDDLE EAST?!
Because terrorist=devils!

>>21664988
And they fuck goats!

>>21664988
No. We want this show to be made not hounded by the PC crowd.

>>21664999
Since when are they Welsh?

>>21665017
I thought welsh people fucked sheep?

>>21665036
aren't goats just male sheep?

>>21665004
Oooh fine.

>>21661872
I laughed.

>>21665052
Are they? I thought they were two different species. Because there are mountain goats and all that.

>>21665052
Wait, what?

>>21665052
No. Leave.

>>21665052
No dude, they're two completely separate animals. Male sheep are rams. Female goats are jennies.

>>21665052
Dis nigga don't know shit 'bout no cattle.

>>21664988
I don't know, with Satan always being drawn as a jew, it's a little on the nose.

Though it could be funny if everyone just changed what ethnicity they think he is every episode.

>>21665127
Goats aren't cows. Cows are baby elephants

>>21665131
That would be pretty great.

File: 1353392552985.jpg-(70 KB, 622x735, 1352503420407.jpg)

>>21665131
I was about to mention that possibility myself.

I don't think anyone should agree on reggie's ethnicity, everyone see's a different race and nationality.

>>21664705
>Reggie: “Also, I think I might be a demon.”
>Slack: “Yeah, I figured after you opened that gateway to hell.”
>Reggie: “Yeah, about that, I feel really bad I killed Peter.”
>Vince: “Nah, that guy was a cunt.”
This doesn't work for me.

I think the easiest way to write around Reggie's demonosity is to make it completely beneath notice. Never mention Peter again for the rest of the episode. If anyone tried to bring up the fact that Reggie opened a hellmouth under the AV Room, have them shot down because it's racist to think Reggie can open up portals to hell just because he's asian.

>>21665231
Whoops, quoted the wrong post. Meant to quote the one with the script.

>>21665231

It kills the cunt joke at the end.

What could replace it?

>>21665052
I have no idea if this guy is for real or not.

>>21665320
I dunno. Skeletal love nest?

If his goatheadedness has to be important, doesn't it kick in with the baphomet book lookalike deal?

>>21665367
THAT'S WHAT WAS MISSING FROM THAT SCENE.

I kinda felt like Violet's thing was a bit random and out of nowhere, but using her to show the kinds of things this demon shit will do is perfect. Thanks, anon, I just couldn't put my finger on it.
FUND IT.

>>21665367
Doesn't everyone else think Violet is nuts? I could see Reggie as sort of a demonic Chicken Boo.

>>21665366
"What happened to Peter, anyways?"

>4000 years later

A skeleton lounges on a couch made from the flesh of the damned while he watches a television broadcasting horrific tragedies

He calls out to Peter, who comes into frame in a pink apron, and asks for a beer

Peter says something along the lines of "slaving away in the kitchen for 4000 years" or something like that

Peter leaves the room, and the skeleton makes that "nag nag nag" hand gesture

So we've gotten a feel for Peter, Vincent, Reggie, Violet, and Slack, though they can all be fine tuned and a lot of the particulars are up in the air.

Only major person left is Georgia

>>21665448

She's fun, pretty, outgoing, smart, and pretty.

I like the idea the audience always sees her as arms length, just like Reggie does. It puts us in his position where she's intangible to a degree.

>>21665539
I don't know, the problem is then we don't geet any reason to feel invested in Reggie trying to woo her because she just comes over as being bland to us

>>21665448
That's because she's generic and boring.
I dunno what to do with her though.

>>21665559
If she's got to be at arm's length, maybe make her sort of like the Red-Headed Girl and Marcie from Peanuts. She's there. She's got personality; but she's got her own shit going on and any time with the group is just a reprieve from her life. It's just a hobby to her.

>>21665560

So is Patty Mayonnaise, but I think the audience understood what was going on.

>>21665560
I kinda like the idea that Georgia is just a distraction and that Virginia is Reggie's inevitable mate and that his attraction to georgia is just that "unattainable girl phase" that a lot of guys go through.

File: 1353394176326.png-(135 KB, 270x277, Labyrinth.png)

>>21662110
>>21661968
>>21663180
Ahahaha. OP, you have done well.

>>21665593
>Red-Headed Girl
Holy shit, I was going to suggest that exact same thing. I could definitely see Georgia working as kind of unattainable ideal for Reggie to crush on rather than a character. You could go all the way and not give her lines or show her full appearance and such. Might make the "[X] Maybe" part work even better.

>>21665697

Yeah, Georgia being there for Mansion and Manticores doesn't work...

She needs more screen time though.

>>21665731
Does she? Or do we just need to see Reggie's reaction, possibly losing his demonic shit trying to talk to her?

>>21665757
Instead of spaghetti, snakes with the faces of babies crying blood spill from his pockets whenever he tries to speak to her.

>>21665770
I would say just snakes but still.

>>21665757
Pretty much this.
Alright, OP, you have homework. Watch Hey Arnold, Peanuts, maybe a bit of Clone High, and get the feel for how they did the similar angle of ungettable hot chick.

>>21665770
Maybe instead of his voice cracking it breaks out into demonic reverb.

>>21665770
And when things get intense, like when Reggie finally does his "I have feels for you" moment; everything around him and her grows dark and sigils appears on her flesh and when he stops being all "So do you wanna go out?" the lights come back up and the sigils are made of flies which buzz off her body.

>>21665784
I was thinking just snakes, too, but I didn't know how creepy you wanted to go with this.

>>21663180
BRING ME YOUR WOMEN!
I loled

>>21662807
Imagine if everyone thought he was a different kind of asian, so marceline would say that, and say "eddy" would ask "who's that new korean kid?"

>>21665968
Then he'd meet someone Japanese and they'd say something to the effect of "Man those Vietnamese are weird."

>>21663180

This is so great.

Also why not have the mummy and creature from the black lagoon featuring as down on their luck henchmen who are hired by Goathead's father to watch his precious half breed boy to make sure he gets through school alright.

>>21665992
I've always wondered how it would work out if they did a Fez from That 70's show thing.

>>21666018
Gotta read the thread man, their the "gay" parents.

Also, been lurking the thread, great stuff man. I'm rooting you on!

>>21666049

I really don't see myself combining them just yet.

I plan on writing a separate pitch using the two monsters.

>>21666085
>I plan on writing a separate pitch using the two monsters.
That pitch will suck. Those monsters aren't enough to carry a show on its own.

>>21666085
I'm not sold either. I think that a goat-kid is okay, but a fucking mummy and fishman would turn heads.

>>21666102
Sorry, OP, but I've got to agree on this one.

While those characters are really great and funny, I can't see them getting enough of a plot going on their own to make a show out of them.

>>21663592
>>21663666
Hehehe, boned.

>>21666119
I was thinking maybe OP could have Reggie commute from some kinda secret monster hellhole. If he lives in some straight laced suburbia next to the school, I guess putting other monsters in might dilute the premise.