Okay /tg/. My fellow party member and I have found out we've both chosen to worship Erathis and civilization.The destination of this discovery being that we're going to transform our party into a legitimate business enterprise and we need a not-at-all catchy title.One we can memorise and repeat at our leisure and our DM's consternation.This thread is mostly just a place to throw ideas around about legitimizing a DnD company.
I figure if we make it like a law firm we can just keep adding (junior) partners and expand the name out to ridiculous lengths including them all in it.
>>19406413Scheister and Swindler
The Fellowship of Adventuring and Questing as Well as the Maintaining of Order, Civilization, and All That is Good Incorporated, or FAQWMOCATGI
>>19406363Do a law firm name of two partners, make the names up and have them have no affiliation to the party.Parker & Johnson Tombs raided, maidens rescued, revolts instigated and tyrants overthrown.
Is it possible to offer Kings a partnership, then fire them in front of the whole court?Is it possible to sign up a king to a pyramid scheme?
>>19406452This is good. We've already decided to make an empty lot our Corporate HQ, or perhaps somewhere close to a terrible monster.To discourage collectors.
A team of elven black operatives. Sylvan Security Solutions.
"Don't you worry about Gnoll pillagers, let me worry about blank."
>>19406463Better yet, name the horrible monster and the Chief Financial Officer and instruct everyone to refer serious monetary concerns (like collections) to the CFO.Eventually, they'll get the hint.
>>19406478Do you think we could get the Lady of Pain to be our CFO?What about Customer Relations?
>>19406491>What about customer relations?Hire an Illithid. No one will complain when they see him at the secretary desk.
>>19406491You probably couldn't get her to be the CEO, except on paper, and I'd advise against even trying. Honestly just make your CEO a scapegoat who you can blame for things and if you get too much collateral damage on an operation just have him retire citing wanting to bring in newer leadership to prevent this from ever happening again and put in someone just like him.As for customer relations, the fun option is to use monsters, the practical option is to have minstrels and travelling bards advertise you on their travels and find some competent people person who knows other people people to fill your offices with secretaries.
>>19406522>the fun option is to use monstersHire monsters to attack people on the road so you can rescue them.
What if we were to start an academy, then give ourselves qualifications from that academy?Or better yet, invest massive amounts of money into an existing academy and make them give us REAL qualifications in exchange?
I like that this thread has gone from "legitimate business enterprise" to flat out banditry within around a dozen posts.
>>19406548But banditry is totally legitimate in the middle ages!I'd also suggest selling camels.
>>19406534Ooh, that's clever. I like it, proactive advertisements. Maybe even branch out into protection rackets.I was thinking of just having a pile of white collar monsters. Troll in a suit, orc making power points, elf yelling at Magitech nerds who can't keep the information filing system running.Also if you have a demonologist available bound demons and the like might make good members for your work force.>>19406548Adventurers are murder hoboes. Also you don't charge them for the rescue, you do it to get your name out there, they tell their friends, next time they've got a lich problem in town they know who to call.
>>19406555>I was thinking of just having a pile of white collar monsters. Troll in a suit, orc making power points, elf yelling at Magitech nerds who can't keep the information filing system running.>Also if you have a demonologist available bound demons and the like might make good members for your work force.The same monsters will be employed in the workforce, of course. Make sure you have an Illithid for a secretary and a Mimic for the greeter.
>>19406573Nah, for a greeter you want a two man team. A changeling and someone else to spot for them. They tell the changeling what's coming and they shift to a form that they can better relate to. So they always come into your offices to a friendly face that reminds them of home.
>>19406583But how can you pass up a door that can greet people?
>>19406583Holy shit that's genius
>>19406591>a door that can greet people?Amazing!
>>19406591That's obviously the spotter for our changeling.
>>19406591As much as I love that idea you might freak out some of your clients, the point is to make them feel at home. A Mimic would make a great spotter and could also act as a security measure. I'm imagining the Mimic and Changeling being total bros. They go out for drinks together at the end of the day in their natural forms and don't give a single fuck. Once they're off the clock they turn off the changes as work regulations no longer apply and they have both found someone who won't be weirded out by their appearance, so they carouse.
>>19406583Go one step further and have the Changeling takes levels in the Pathfinder Chronicler prestige class, giving them the Deep Pockets ability. It would allow them to be able to pull out 100 gp worth of 'equipment' that can be anything the DM deems mundane enough to be carrying around.The changeling uses Deep Pockets to stock beverages for almost any type of client, particularly having knowledge of certain regions and able to pull up the perfect beverage as soon as the client enters the door.
>>19406598And that's not all! Is a guest acting up, causing trouble? Are thieves trying to break in? Watch in amazement as your new Mimic Door Greeter devours them with neither pity nor remorse! Act now, and get a mimic rug to hold potential customers in place!
>>19406522>>19406619I can only imagine the CEO would be the changeling door-greeter in disguise, or possibly his cousin. You just have a never-ending parade of disguises as the CEO of this business, each retiring after some massive amount of collateral damage, with the clause in their retirement that they are solely responsible for damages incurred.
>>19406619Ohoho! I can now picture the mimic being worn as a hat by the changeling, both going to a bar. Because it would be funny to see a changeling and a walking door sitting side-by-side at a bar.
rolled 2 = 2Sure, go see our CFO, she works in the basement>dragon>by chief finance officer I mean money hoarder>not our money of course, it's just her hoard, she was here long before we moved in>we keep her non-aggresive by sending humanoid meals every so often, maybe the odd bri-DONATION to her hoard.
>>19406635New idea: All the employees are changelings disguised as the two players.
>>19406641It could work, you offer the dragon a deal. We get to keep our money in some out of the way corner and you don't fiddle with it, in exchange you don't get bothered by anyone you don't want to, we send any annoying clients down to you and you get stock options. Also the dragon might not mind doing some of the CFO stuff, dragons love counting gold and keeping track of all of that.
>>19406666You might want to hire >>19402992 for a bit of entertainment for her.
>>19406641I like this idea, but it'd be more fun if you convinced the dragon to be an employee for real (no matter how lavish the costs are).You could make a deal that all profits are added to her hoard. She just needs to keep track of how much is there for the company to spend, all the while reminding her that we're making more gold from the spending, so her hoard gets bigger and bigger as a result.I feel like if D&D advanced to the modern day, dragons would be the ultimate capitalists. They have great intelligence, could convince/force people to work for them or partner with their business, and they really only care about the bottom line, as they have no intention to ever SPEND the massive hoard of cash they're raking in
rolled 1 = 1>>19406666>6666 getSo we have a mimic door and a changeling receptionist, a dragon CFO, an illithid Customer Relations, what else.>We need to get moar dorfs in here.>everything needs more dorfs
>>19406678>I feel like if D&D advanced to the modern day, dragons would be the ultimate capitalists.Actually, I think Shadowrun has a few massive corporations run by dragons.
>>19406688Fucking affirmative action.
Find a few dozen dorf mastersmiths, combined with dragon CFO's breath to make the highest quality weapons/armor at shockingly low costs. Assuming fire-breathing dragon.
>>19406688Well dorfs obviously could be involved in construction, especially the underground bit. They could also be involved in any manufacturing the company deals with as well as possibly being part of R&D. Maybe a Dwarven Mechanic who lets forth a long string of curses in his native tongue whenever on of the company vehicles gets damaged, the cursing doesn't stop until he has finally fixed it.
>>19406688>6688 double getHave Dwarves constantly refurbishing the building to make it look busy.
>All my dorf pictures are of the female variety and filed under PROMOTIONSDwarf female managers, it has to be done now
>>19406722My eyes are down here Gary.
>>19406722Have a bar in the building with dwarf waitresses. Also, the Illithid is the barkeep there, because he's a fucking Illithid, don't ask questions how he does that shit.
Various humanoid race (elf/human/dwarf etc.) 'relaxation' personnel. (read: whores, both genders).Free use to all staff!
>>19406732The same Illithid just does multiple jobs and nobody questions it because they'd rather go ahead and keep their brains where they are.
>>19406742Why not just use changelings?
>>19406742who went and let /h/ in?
>>19406742Woah woah woah. This isn't a brothel, this is a place of business!
>>19406743Also, he's the king.
>>19406742No Orcs, or Umber Hulks? What about the Illithid? Those tentacles can be put to damn good use, you know.
>>19406765You too /d/?I think changelings is a better idea anyway, then you can have anything you want.
>>19406775So the company consists of nothing but changelings, two adventurers, and an Illithid that performs about half of all the jobs in the kingdom and no one questions why?It's fucking perfect. We just need an Ooze for a janitor.
Greeters: Changeling and Mimic doorCEO: Changelings who continually misdirect company failures on their personas.Chief Financial Officer: Female Red Dragon. Also, instead of banking, we keep everything in her hoard.Sales representative: That Guy from the 80'sCustomer Relations / Bar workers: One single Ilithid for ever role in either department"Advertising": Monsters you pay to attack people on the roads so you can rescue them for a fee.We've got administration covered, but what's our angle, fellas? What services do we provide that earn us our coin?
>>19406742Do you have any idea how much trouble we could be in if this corporation tried to employ prostitutes as full time employees? The whore union would have our ass on a platter if we even tried to get this through. Randy, I want you to come up with a better idea, and make some spreadsheets for them, your presentation is at noon on Wednesday.
No one bought up the good old undead computer yet?Stick them on a demiplane with fast time and negative energy to support them, and tada.
>>19406791>for a feeStrike that. I mean 'to spread word of the company'
>>19406791>What services do we provide that earn us our coin?The Illithid King/PR Department/Waiter/Barkeep/King doesn't eat your brains.
>>19406792Maiden Rescuing, tower storming, BBEG killing (of course we have an agreement to always 'forget' to kill his source of power so he returns, for appropriate renumeration and a promise of not building doomsday devices of course).
>>19406792It'd really be cheaper to lease those whores anyway, I'm sure the union has a corporate rate for bulk transactions.
>>19406793Does that mean we need an IT department of Necromancers?Great.
>>19406793Can't believe I forgot about that. While we're at it, let's set up a busing system using little boats carried by skelecopter.
>>19406791The standard murder hobo stuff but with accountability, reliability and the word of Parker & Johnson that the job will get done right and on time. I mean I bet people are tired of hiring adventurers who skip town or end up rescuing the wrong maiden from a different tower or set your house on fire or any number of amateur mistakes.We rescue maidens, clear out monster infestations, if paid enough act as mercenaries against evil kingdoms, stop dark rituals.We might be involved in some of the shadier stuff, but we won't advertise that.
>>19406820Just have the Illithid take levels in Necromancer. He can handle it.
>>19406807Why not just employ the BBEG under the table? OH WAIT, BETTER IDEA:>Every 4 months, have a raffle in the company>Winner gets to be the next BBEG>Gets company resources to build self up into a seemingly-threatening figure.>People who try to stop him get killed by other, more powerful employees.>Eventually they hire the company to deal with him.>He goes back to being a cashier and we walk off with a fat wad of cash
>>19406820>Pale skin>No social skills>Dubious personal hygieneI don't see much difference.
>>19406832>/g/>Necromancers>No difference physicallyOh god, so that's why they are so reclusive and have no need of (living) female company.
>>19406816I like the way you're thinking Dave, schedule a meeting with them. I'm sure we can find some overlap with them, we'll really have to think outside the box and be firing on all of our cylinders but if we do this right we'll really synergize with them.
>>19406831>People who try to stop him get their brain eaten by Frank the IllithidFTFY Also, yeah, I named him, big whoop wanna fight about it?
>>19406841>overlap >think outside the box>firing on all cylinders>synergizethis guy for company rep
>>19406831Set it up on a rota system, once a month we check to see who i top of the lit.New employees go to the bottom of the list, after your turn you go to the bottom of the list.When your name comes up you get an all expenses paid (within reason) trip to a dark castle, get to play BBEG and get 'killed' by our heroes after a month. Repeat.
>>19406850>no blue sky thinkingNah
>>19406857Isn't blue sky thinking a bad thing?
>>19406861Only if we are lawful-evil-stupid or what you think up goes wrong.If it does go wrong, you have to explain to the CFO why, and why she shouldn't eat you for it.
>>19406850I'll have you know it almost physically hurt to write that sentence. If I started talking about core competencies, asks, tabling issues and other such jargon I would have felt even more shame.
Greeters: Changeling and Mimic doorCEO: Changelings who continually misdirect company failures on their personas.Chief Financial Officer: Female Red Dragon. Also, instead of banking, we keep everything in her hoard.Sales representative: That Guy from the 80'sCustomer Relations / Bar workers: Frank the Illithid does all jobs. No one questions how."Advertising": Monsters you pay to attack people on the roads so you can rescue them. Upon rescue, inform them of the company so they spread the word.Janitor: An oozeBBEG: Chosen on a rota system. Basically it's like a fun little vacation for whoever's turn it isUndead Computer: Does...something. Fuck, I don't know, but it's a valuable resource at least.IT Department: Necromancers. Plain and simple.What else should we have?
>>19406882Motivational speakers, a Canteen worker, Some guy who dues job interviews.
>>19406882Undead computer is linked into all the employee's 'desktop skeletons', that work as little PDAs. (think siri)>Master, I hunger for brains, also you have a meeting with Frank in 5 minutes.
You need an HR department at some point, but I'm not quite sure what race is best for that. Oh, and perhaps a deranged Warforged who had some bad times during the war. He says he's a fax machine (whatever that is) but really he just starts screeching every day from 2 to 4 and eats an entire ream of paper. Poor guy.
>>19406896>Job interviewsSomeone who can mind read>no frank, that doesn't mean suck their mind out and see how it tastes.
>>19406896>Some guy who dues job interviewsOrcus.
>>19406882Boats carried by skelecopter for transportation.>>19406896I nominate Frank for interviewing.>Go to new firm that opened up>Greeted at door by my mother and a talking door>Secretary is a brain eating monstrosity>Dwarves are constantly building... something>Apply for interview>Illithid directs me to another room>Open door>Same Illithid is sitting in there>Turn around>Other Illithid is gone
>>19406903>meeting with frank>mfw
Orc security guards.>Mr axe is not your friend pal. He is mine, and I not your friend either.
>>19406882Obviously there's our large group of specialists who are our main business, we call them specialists as adventurer has too many murder hobo connotations, who are often out on jobs. When they come back it's to a fully stocked bar/lounge with live music, we treat our people right at Parker & Johnson.
>>19406913Your own mother wouldn't be very reassuring, changeling needs to work on his skillsAnd this is why I said we need someone other than frank for interviews.
>>19406923Don't forget the free whor- RELAXATION STAFF for all employees!
>>19406925>we need someone other than frank for interviews.Who are we hiring other than the changelings? It's pretty obvious this is a firm that employs primarily monsters anyways, so an Illithid interviewer would command both respect and admiration.
>>19406914>Yes, hello, it's good you've come. No need to say anything, I've implanted a temporal mind reading device in your brain. Now, you see, your output has been rather, shall we say, lacking lately...
We need some more elf secretaries, answering mail, maybe answering our magical communication network (need a hero fast? Dial 112-PandJ on your local teleorb now!). Sexual harrasment of them is acceptable, any of them clever enough to complain can take it up with Frank.Dorfs are building new and improved specalist gear. Old stuff we sell to wannabe heroesGood point, sweetcheeks, organize a meeting, we need to work out how we deal with any wannabes that get to strong.
>>19406925Kindly old retired bard. He's a real hit at company parties when he busts out the old fiddle and has one hell of a sense for assessing people. Even when they don't get the job they don't mind that much as he's good at letting them down gently.>>19406942Our main official business is specialists, adventurers but not crazed murder hobos, with high levels of quality assurance and guaranteed professionalism. The monsters helps us get jobs, instigate stuff and do some of the more under the table work along with the more sneaky inclined "specialists" of ours.
>>19406953>ChantingGet-get-get the job, oh no you failed your bluff check.
>>19406952Frank confirmed for HR Department.
>>19406964Frank is slowly devouring every job we've got.Pun most definitely intended.
>>19406882We're forgetting location.If we really want this enterprise to work we won't be able to stay stationary for extended periods of time (we don't completely know where/when the next plane changing catastrophic event will occur)I purpose that our place of business is either of these options:1. Earth elemental GIGANTIC (talking mountain size) this would give us massive exposure if we can some how control it's general direction and hollow out certain parts of it's body for office space. 2. Interdimentional. Simply put we build our office in another plane, customers come to use through a series of doors located throughout the land
What an office like this needs is a good middle management type to make everyone else feel better. Take Ron Lich for example, nice guy, a bit droning and he doesn't have anything else going for him. He's a lot like Bill Lumbergh.He could have been an Archlich, but he just got comfortable. I... I think he turned his coffee mug into his phylactery. Where DOES the coffee go when he drinks it?
>Ditzy elf bimbo secrataries>Free whores>Tentacle mind fucking or being eaten for minor fuck upsFucks sake, who let /d/ come visit?
Human Resources: Bards with ridiculously pumped charisma skills. They’ll size up potential hires, let down those who don’t make the cut easily, and convince anyone who tries to complain about the way the company runs that “No, Jane, you actually LOVE the fact that there’s a very real chance of getting your brains eaten every day. It adds excitement to your workday!” (Not frank, because I feel like that would give us too high of an employee turnover rate. Everyone will THINK they're happy with the bard around)Research and Development: Dorfs. Always working on cutting edge equipment for specialists. Old equipment is sold as a side businessCompany transportation: Skelecopter limos, motherfucker.Specialists: The main workforce. Nomenclature is to avoid the murderhobo connotations of ‘adventurer’
>>19406980>middle-management lich with coffee mug as a phylacteryI love this idea far more than I should...I'm seriously considering scrapping my group's current game to run them as employees of this company
>>19406952Dude, we don't sexually harass our employees, we're trying not to step on the whore union's toes. we have an agreement with them to take care of that sort of thing. We don't disrespect our own like that, the secretaries keep this place running.>>19406981/d/ never left, there is a fair bit of overlap between fa/tg/uys and /d/.
Make sure we have a creepy organ in the bar for people to play on.ESPECIALLY if we get any misguided attack on our headquarters. Nothing unnerves 'heroes' like siting there waiting while playing your own theme tune on an organ.
>>19406977We built it literally on top of a dragon's lair.
>>19406999>Princess trapped in a crystalConfirmed for company mascot/logo
>>19406992I hope there's a drawfag around..
>>19406982No man, Frank is HR. If anyone has a problem with the company, they get to have a chat with Frank. He's very persuasive, you know.Also, I'd love a drawfag to bring Frank to life. I like this character quite a bit.
>2nd time on tg>this threadlove you guys
>>19406999If any heroes show up wanting to shut us down, we'll just bury them in paperwork. The entire world knows Parker & Johnson as a reliable company, so naturally we'd turn over our evil-committing workers to settle disputes with adventurers.You just need to fill out a few forms and wait for processing is all.>Also, if you leave the building before processing, your ticket is discarded and you must open a new one.Then we can sell food and drink to the adventurers who show up at exorbitant prices.When they run out of money, they either starve or get the fuck out
>>19407009Not mascot, but logo? Perfection
>>19406999We could use the zombie computer to play it automatically. Forever.
>>19407021>get the whores east from the guid to seduce them>Bill them for it afterwardsThis sounds like a plan
>>19407000Yes but where the hell is the lair? is there a town around it? or is it out in the middle of nowhere, if our clients can't physically reach us it may cause minor gold flow problems
>>19407018I don't want Frank to be HR simply because someone could abandon the company with all of our secrets and cause a stink.I want all of our employees to feel like they're a part of the best motherfucking enterprise in the multiverse, because they are!He can stay as customer relations though. Fuck the customers
>>19407028David, that' a brilliant idea, can you give a presentation to the IT guys tomorrow, they were wondering what to do with all the spare undead-seconds.
>>19407031Better yet, get the whores to seduce them, and when they try to get busy file sexual harassment and have Frank storm in angrily, demanding to know what they're doing with his harem of Elven wives
>>19407009Perfect logo, and perfect business opportunity!Offer the services of a BBEG (on our payroll) to bored princesses looking for some excitement!"Are you feeling unappreciated? Parker & Johnson can help! Choose from a number of scenic locations and compelling villains! Be swept off your feet by dashing heroes!"*at an overly extreme price tag
>>19407051>demanding to know what they are doing with company propertyFTFY
>>19407045It's right next to the road halfway between to major cities.I mean right next to it.
>>19407052Lets be equal here, offer it to princes too, and Big Bad Evil Girls.
>>19407058Actually, yes, I agree, that's much better.Then he kicks them out.
>>19407052We'll corner the market on all things Good or Evil.>Hire out specialists to stop legitimate BBEGs>Hire out BBEGs to spice up people's lives>Secretly promote a BBEG so people will hire our specialists to stop him.This is the greatest company ever conceived
>>19407051I'll get right on that boss. Let me just get Ron to help out with a spreadsheet.
>>19407018We shouldn't have Frank everywhere. Remember we have a warm, friendly and professional public face, we have Frank around for a lot of stuff but HR he should only take care of the stranger cases that require his unique touch.>>19407045I'd place it at or really near a nice hub city or between two big cities.>>19407048We kind of need customers, you know they're the ones who pay us. Lots of our contracts are with big organizations like other companies and the government, but individual requests make up a large percentage of our profits.
>>19407066This guy's thinkin outside the box.
>>19407075I agree, we need customers, but CR is more as a net for "customers who try to talk their way to a premium package or subvert the system"Our sales reps and elven secretaries are the ones the customers normally talk to. Frank is just there for the assholes who try to intimidate them.
>>19407075Very well, bards keep morale up, Frank deals with problem employees.By which I mean he eats them.
Frank's deal is strictly in-company. He's our go-to man. As for Corporate HQ, that should be in it's own plane but with branches in every major city.
>>19407089And customers, especially customers
>>19407079Remember we have to be careful about this portion. We need to make sure that the independent BBEGs don't know we're taking that market and so on. If we pull this off right we could get a Princess, a BBEG and a Wannabee Hero to all pay for the experience and we don't have to do much work. Though we'll obviously have a small team of subtle Specialists to make sure everything goes smoothly.
Why do I get the mental image of frank looking like Sam Waterston with facial tendrils? also, keep this going! Epic thread...Also, use dimension doors or planar pathways to connect doors all over the world to your central office, even while it's on the Material plane.Moreover. Intellect Devourers? and a Gnome somewhere.
>>19407097>Yes, those tasty, tasty customersI'd also like to nominate Frank for personal distribution of memos and pink slips. It makes it feel like we really care, as well as making sure that pink slipping goes smoothly.I'll be honest, I just like the image of a dour Illithid in a suit going around handing out papers in the office, trying to seem as cheerful as possible.
>>19407107That's smart. We could franchise it off.This is great for our bottom line. And if any of them even think about taking their stuff and going solo we can tie them up in contracts claiming ownership rights to their position as BBEG/Adventurer/Princess and sue them for all their worth for being in violation of contract.
>>19407119>Didja get that thing I sent ya?
"We here at Parker and Johnson understand that adventuring is a dangerous proposition and before opening up any ancient network of tunnels or handing over the keys to the tower of an evil wizard, our crack team of dungeoneers investigate the natural wildlife and design. That is why in and P&J-certified dungeon, you will see one of our helpful and distinctive treasure chests with a specialty item inside best suited to the needs of this dungeon. At P&J know your adventure depends on the convenient cache of bombs or the occasional boomerang to help you rescue/impress your princess in distress.Parker and Johnson. Here for you. Here forever.">So the new ads are out? Awesome. Get those fidgety dwarves over to the Eagle Tower and replace the giant steel balls and tower supports, and we'll market it over as Tower of Altair and say it was an assassin's hideout this time.
>>19407089Only for the really really bad ones, as in selling company secrets and seriously hurting the bottom line. Most of them we would just fire, and if they deserve it we also blacklist from every gig around.>>19407097You don't eat customers, it's unprofessional. With obvious caveats of severe betrayal, stiffing us on large contracts and so on. We only do it after we have given them a chance, corpses rarely pay your invoices, but having the implied threat around is useful.
>>19407130No Frank, you never gave it- I mean, I mean I must have misplaced it!
>>19407107Are you an aspiring evildoer who wants to make a splash? Not sure where to start? Alread got your evil empire started, but tired of the boring day-to-day work? Parker and Johnson is here for you! Hire one of our highly experienced consultants to help you put the fun back into ruling your empire!And while you're at it, you know those smelly goblins you've been using to do your dirty work? Why not upgrade? You're a professional, after all. You deserve the best! Parker and Johnson now offers minions! Half-off when bundled with Consultant services.(Consultants and Minions guaranteed not to usurp your empire)**But other company assets may be used in overthrowing it later
>>19407138If frank leaves us any brain dead husks, we can add them to the UC>Undead Computer
>>19407119Ok, I love this. Having Frank be a horrifying entity, while genuinely being a nice guy.The type of fella who brings coffee and donuts every day, and organizes the company retreats.What kind of company retreats would Parker and Johnson have?
OP here.I knew I could count on you guys.
>>19407139Excellent. See that you find it. Don't want to waste company resources, now DO we? Oh, by the way, have you seen Haroldson? I hear he was abusing the copy machine to make pictures of his rear end.
>>19407160Visits to Frank's summer house in the Underdark, for one. Maybe a pleasant picnic in Cania?
We should get gelatinous cubes for senior offices to take care of properly disposing of sensitive documents.Little, waste-paper basket sized ones.
>>19407151Where do you think we get all the replacement parts?
>>19407160A trip to the plain of the drow spider goddessBonuses if you collect any venom samples, minus the cost of extracting them from your body and medical bills
>>19407141So I'd like to thank all of you overlords for inviting me to your expo. I represent Parker and Johnson and if there's one thing I'm always hearing from you guys it's that your minions just aren't cutting it. Now Parker and Johnson has recently entered a contract that means we can provide you with the highest quality minions a BBEG could ever want.Gentlemen, let me present the formerly nomadic Wolf Fang clan of Hobgoblins. They're strong, loyal, organized and most importantly intelligent.
>>19407179What about Tyrone the Ooze janitor? I hear he has some family members in need of work.
Sirs! we have some of the minions on necro-channel four, they've unionized, and are seeking healthcare and ... it looks like the local ogre-rights activists are here to see you.
>>19407179I thought we had those ever since we convinced the Gelatinous Janitor that every day was Take-your-son-to-work day.
>>19407194>>19407190I am literally imagining an ooze in blue overalls and little blue hat roaming the halls with a mop and bucket.
>>19407141>*But other company assets may be used in overthrowing it laterThis is possibly the most cruel, conniving, and illuminati-esq organization in the history of /tg/, and it's hidden behind this thick layer of ridiculousness. I'm glad I was a part of this.
>>19407197And he has to have scruffy's mustache
>>19407191Give the Ogre rights people our sincerest apologies and get one of the Bards in Customer Relations to smooth things over.Bring the heads of the union up to the senior conference room.And page Frank.
>>19407199The best part is we don't even manipulate the world or governments. We just standardize the idea of 'romantic adventuring/evildoing' and give people the chance to live out their fantasies.We're essentially video games.
>>19407191Tell the minions they get healthcare when they're dead, no they really do, it's in the paper work. But they've been doing good work, tell them we'll hold a meeting this afternoon about it to discuss this.What are the activists after this time? Is it about the giant clubs we provide them with, I know it's a bit offensive and stereotypical but it's what people look for. They're all completely free to change to axes or other large slow two handed weapons.
>>19407180Frank, and maybe we could start up our own Television network with Skeletons as camera's and make the UC a againt Cloud computer.
>>19407189*May come installed with mind override hardware
>>19407210What if Frank was equal parts Mr. Flanders and Bill Lumberg."Yeah....I don't think we can supply healthcare this quarter, so....you should probably just leave."
>>19407218So Frank is a dour-faced Ned Flanders, a backstabbing corporate hitman, and Hermes Conrad.This is some Crazy Hassan level stuff.
>>19407216More like a 'stinking cloud' computer.Also, the baron of estria is on line two, and frank hasn't been seen in two- oh wait, he's right here.
Are you bored with your life? Are you a princess? Then of course you are.For just half your Father's kingdom, we can offer you a kidnap and rescue scenario.>Ravishing and/or forced marriage at an extra premium
<Picture taken during company picnic to plane of Blank White Space>Man Frank, you looked so young back then.
>>19407239Is dat some drawfag/
Also, best company car ever.
>>19407216Brilliant! But how would the masses have access to necrocable, you ask? Why, we supply it with our skeleturbine powered electricity plant and our undead computer run cable providers, assuring the best networking necromancy can provide!
>>19407234Is this about his valiant son again? Tell him that the kid still has to fulfill the prophecy before he gathers the shards of the legendary sword.Could someone get Jane on finishing that prophecy script? We're running low of mysterious old men to distract him.
>>19407239frank during his "mid-abomination crisis" he bought a skele-hog and dyed his tendrils.
>>19407242Sadly no, just some absolutely ancient pics I had to share. I wish, really.
>>19407243>Frank's daily business commuteAlso, Frank's personal secretary is now a Beholder named Ryagolax the Blind.
Beholders as Fibre-Optic network hubs, minus the Fibre.
Where do I sign up for this company?
This requires an archive. If not for Frank, then do it for yourselves, team!
So, *looks at clipboard* Mortok the Impaler, can I call ya morty? let's talk about your future here with Parker and James
>>19407266Talk to Frank. Just look around, he's literally everywhere.
>>19407274Frank doesn't really handle acquisitions, he is everywhere so if you need directions just look for the friendly Illithid.
>>19407264They also sculpt very fine statues for the entrance hall, and quite quickly at that.By the way, has anyone else noticed we're missing a few employees? We'd no if Frank had a meeting with them.
>>19407266Frank's dealing with some.. delicate clients right now, why don't we step into my office and you can tell me about your skills and experience.
>>19407280>I am everywhere at once, watching your every movement. You cannot escape my sight. Oh, sugar or cream?
I'm trying to get some text here. I actually want to make a company brochure for this. Here's what I've gotten so far, and I KNOW I've missed some stuff. I'll start posting it.Also, if anyone wants to copy/paste or provide fresh writeups of services offered by our company, that'd be great.
Parker & Johnson is a good start, but you wanted somethging long that you can memorize and flummox the DM with, i suggest you start adding random fantasy names every session.DM: "The Peasentry has heard of Parker & Johnson, and wan-"P1: "And Thooqua."DM: "Pardon?"P2: "Parker & Johnson & Thooqua. He's made junior partner at the firm, and that includes getting your name on the door."DM: Right. The peasant hs heard of Parker, Johnson and... Thoo-kwah?"P1: "Thooqua. Yes, right."Several sessions later.P2: "It's Parker, Johnson, Thooqua, Dri'zzl, Leeroy, Grimback, Orr, Harrier, Hoardmaster & Hairfoot sir."GM: (Flips table)
>>19407285By the way, have we gotten around to soundproofing Frank's office? The constant screaming tends to be a bit off putting for the customers and employees, especially those guys in the fax department next door.
>>19407287Greeters: Changeling and Mimic door. They use telepathy implants to keep the changeling updated on who’s entering the facility; the changeling then shapeshifts to that race to make the potential customer feel at home. They frequently go out drinking togetherCEO: Changelings who continually misdirect company failures on their personas.Chief Financial Officer: Female Red Dragon. Also, instead of banking, we keep everything in her hoard.Head of Sales: That Guy from the 80'sSales Representatives: Attractive females from every race. Changelings are all well and good, but it’s too much paperwork balancing personas for hundreds of repeat customers. Head Secretary / Prophecy Writer: Elf named Jane. She’s a master at PR, has a Doctorate’s in Ancient Lore and Languages, and is extremely resourceful and adaptive. However, she seems to be afraid of Frank.
We had to let one of the BBEG's go unfortunately, too many liberties taken with his leased minions. bad for business, replacements come right out of our winter bonuses you know!
>>19407293Customer Relations / Bar Workers / Head of Communications / Damage Control / Quality Assurance / Employee Services: Frank the Illithid does all jobs. No one questions how. Despite the fact that he’s a REALLY nice guy, he’s still an Illithid, so we give him plenty of opportunities to eat some brains. Has a crush on Jane, the head secretary"Advertising": Monsters we pay to attack people on the roads so you can rescue them. Upon rescue, inform them of the company so they spread the word.Janitor: An ooze named TyroneDocument Shredders / Dustbins: Tyrone had some family members who needed work, so we employed them. Small, wastepaper-basket sized gelatinous cubes, used for destroying documents or anything else the company wouldn’t like to see getting out.BBEG: Chosen on a rota system. Basically it's like a fun little vacation for whoever's turn it isUndead Computer: Wirelessly sync’ed to each employee’s “desktop skeleton”, sends them alerts about meetings, priorities, memos, etc.
>>19407304IT Department: Necromancers. Plain and simple.Human Resources: Bards with ridiculously pumped charisma skills. They’ll size up potential hires, let down those who don’t make the cut easily, and convince anyone who tries to complain about the way the company runs that “No, Jane, you actually LOVE the fact that there’s a very real chance of getting your brains eaten every day. It adds excitement to your workday!”Research and Development: Dorfs who are constantly building better and better equipment for specialists. Old equipment gets sold off as a side business.Transportation: Skelecopter limos, motherfucker.Specialists: The main workforce. Nomenclature is to avoid the murderhobo connotations of ‘adventurer’.Minions: Hired out to BBEGs. Only the highest quality minions make it through our screening process, and we have a variety of themes available, ranging from constructs, undead, and even aberrations!Consultants: Used to help BBEGs manage their empires, or even get their young upstart empires flourishing.
>>19407310And that's all I've got thus far.
>>19407293Jane should be frank's ex-wife
>>19407318Frank approves, but is sad.Getting suspiciously similar to Flanders here.>>19407315We should really get some motivational guys for BBEGs that are feeling down.
Orcish skalds as assistant HR reps to deal with depressive clients.nodnod they will inspire them with tales of the great bloody hero-gods.
So the Copy Room guys just got back to us with the newest ad posters. I think their continued proximity to Frank is taking its toll.
>>19407318>>19407331I think it fits with how ridiculous the whole thing is if frank just has a crush on her and is too shy to bring it up.So he's really nice to everybody, but gets quiet and strange around her. That's why she's the only one who is scared of him
Mhm, mhm. well send it upstairs, lets hear back from the big boys before we go about moving departments.
>>19407287We take on a variety of requests, and if we do it right sometimes we can play a job from multiple angles.Our most public service is providing "Specialists" to deal with problems, local wild life getting uppity, cultists, dark gods and so on. We also can provide the threat, it means there is no danger for our employees and we still get paid.We also offer minion services for both good and bad guys as well as minion/whatever the good equivalent of minion is, training services.One of the things we do on an occasional basis is seek out someone who wants the BBEG experience, wants to spend a few months as a BBEG, we set him up with a dark castle, minions, a princess to capture and so on and so forth, guide him along the way with a team of "Specialists" on hand to make it work.We also provide similar services to people who want to be a "Hero", we include plucky side kick and love interests in that package, and "Kidnapped Princess", it can include falling in love with the rugged barbarian who rescues you.We can sometimes bag all 3 of them at the same time and get paid for all of them. If we don't get all three we point local talent in the right direction or just play the roles ourself. Yolanda does a brilliant blushing maiden.But the most important thing about Parker & Johnson is that it's more than a company, it's a family.
>>19407343Yes, I like it.Also, we need to find a job for this intellect devourer, he keeps hanging out in my office and, I think I say him in ron's coffylactery the other day.
>>19407343>Oh, uh hey Frank, how's it->Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!>Incoherent screaming>Frank is later seen sulking and apparently pouring out his sorrows to himself at the bar. Witnesses are unsure if there are two Franks or if he's extremely fast
>>19407361OH FUCK, I FORGOT RON
>>19407372I love you so much right now.
>whatever the good equivalent of minion isCohort, bardic knowledge my good.. coworker.
>>19407377That works. Gets the idea across while still sounding good and also being generic enough.
I think frank would be buds with ron, like they would watch the live coverage of the beholder-ball games on P&J broadcasting while munching bbq'd thoqqua dogs.
>>19407391I was thinking of that, too. They probably hang with the Intellect Devourer as well, whom everyone calls Id.
My name is Ron, I am a Lich, I am 437 years old, I am not so recently deceased, and I live in a CAVE down by the river.
>>19407398Priceless .. Id, so good. ROFL
I presume the head of the IT Department is the nerdiest lich ever, with pocket protectors and shittily broken glasses?
>>19407391Let's start getting some names for the unnamed.Changeling greeterMimic Door GreeterCEO CFOHead of Advertising? Do we need one?Undead Computer should have a nameHead of HR?
>>19407408It's Orcus, actually. He constantly tries to talk with them about how many reps he does a day and such.
>>19407412We're a goodly sized company and have our fingers in a lot of pockets, but Orcus seems a bit high up the food chain for Parker & Johnson.
>>19407408The IT department is actually housed in a Ziggurat out back and is headed by a triumverate of demilich heirophant~necromancer~Theurges, we call them larry collectively.
>>19407412It'd be funny if The Raven Queen was the head of the department, and Orcus was constantly trying to find dirt to get her fired to no avail
>>19407421This is in between jobs as a demon lord.
I think our Vice President should act like Cave Johnson. Our CEO will have to change personas all the time, but I really like the idea of all of our new service lines being pitched by Cave
The Larrys spend most of their extra spells and powers browsing the necronet for pornography and posting to image boards, arguing about their latest research.
>>19407439We could put a Cave Johnson there, or we make him liaison between the Marketing and the R&D department with lots of influence in the testing portions.
>>19407447I like this but he's gotta be in a position where he can't screw the pooch, and just let him be awesome.
>>19407069I must use this in my next campaign. The party has been toiling against this evil villain for years, next thing they know, he hands them an invoice for his "Hero Promotion Services" and their family comes out with a cake. Yes, the family from their village that was "burned down." They were all in on it, and they're all fine now. That'll be half-a-million gold, please.Teach my players to have murdered-off-families in their backstory.
What's our slogan, fellas? I'm gonna make a write-up of this as a precursor to what will eventually be a brochure
>>19407447>>19407439Who do you think the Johnson is in Parker and Johnson?
>>19407450Perhaps Frank's real job is Cave's Nurse, which requires him to be EVERYWHERE AT ONCE?
Parker and Johnson: Who ya gonna ohgawdfranknogetoutofmyheaphn'qwi ftaghn ftaghn'!"
>>19407439Gazebo Johnson.I imagine him as a mix of Cave Johnson and Joe Biden.Also he is a Gazebo.
>>19407451You should treat this company as seriously as you can, meaning that they discover this conspiracy on a massive scale that's headed by one company whom is responsible for almost every single villain and hero in history.>>19407463>>19407464I lost it at both of these.
Somehow I feel like that cat in OP's pic has orchestrated this entire thing.
Parker and Johnson Inc.'s main corporate competition is a group of wizards up the coast.Discuss.
The cat in op pic related is what people see when they first meet frank, only later to realize he's an eldritch horror.
>>19407486Anon, I'd like to introduce you to Mr Parker, a (awakened cat/metamorphised human-into-housecat).Depending on what backstory Mr Parker is going with this week.
>>19407488Who the hell is Parker anyways?I'm wanting to say Frank, but he's supposed to be more of minion type of guy, ya know?
>>19407488>implying those wizards aren't on payroll>implying we don't keep them around to avoid anti-monopoly legislation
>mfw this thread
>>19407500>implying I'm not trying to make a Wizards of the Coast expy to insult
We gave them each a lighthouse tower, and some free Bermuda shorts with palm trees on them.
>>19407500Would the average non-modern world have anti-monopoly legalization? I mean, the cornerstone of most fantasy tends to be 'Race X has all of the Y. All of it. We love them for it.'
Of course, in the begining it was only three wizards, Transitus Salcum and Roderik.
Is there any way to make Cave Johnson LITERALLY a cave?Are there any creatures like that?
>>19407486>>19407498>>19407499Looks like we've found our Mr Parker.Ladies and Gentlemen, one of the most powerful entities ever devised by /tg/, a character who controls an entire company of near limitless potential.A house cat wearing a mini tie. God help you if you're sent to Mr Parker's office.God help your very soul.
He could definately be a Cave Fisher, frank makes him feel at home being all aberrant and all.
>>19407528I thought Parker was the changeling CEO who's always changing faces to avoid public backlash.Parker could be his cat, since he could never apply his own name to the company (as it would change too often).
>>19407528>God help if you get a page from Mr. Parker telling you to report to FrankFTFYSo yeah, here's the newest BBEGs of my campaing: an awakened housecat, a gazeebo bard, and an Illithid who is possibly a minor deity.
>>19407527Well, there's houses made out of mimics, so it's probably possible.
>>19407539No no, there were multiple Changelings acting as a kind of board of directors, the were all the CEO.But just being CEO doesn't mean you get your name on the door, CEO's come and go all the time.Parker is the majority owner.
Parker is the actual head, awakened cat etc, but also the company mascot, and the story goes that he was named for the company's first CEO. Tucker Parker, who died in a tragic Kobold incident shortly after the founding.
>>19407545Nah man, even Frank doesn't like going to see Mr Parker.
Mr Parker has a big fat man with an eye-patch sit in a comfy chair and pet him all day.
>>19407553Mr. Parker doesn't do the dirty work, foo. That's what you have minio-EMPLOYEES for. Besides, he's a housecat. I think it's better if he's just a commoner with ridiculously high attribute scores. Also, here's a shitty thread derailment picture for fun use with troll threads and the like.
>>19407553Think about it, though. Frank loves this company. He's been here through the highs and the lows of it all. And Mr. Parker is the only one who can take that away from him.>You're firedSure, Frank can then eat all the brains in the building, but that will never fill the void he'd have from losing the support group he's relied on for so many years.
*enters the board room, empty room with a long table, no chairs and a cat sitting on the table. The cat is facing away from you* Come in, have a seat. Did you bring my yarn? No? tsk, it could have gone so well for you.
>>19407563>Those wordsSomehow the imagined scene of a house cat behind a desk telling a Mind Flayer that he's fired fills my heart only with sadness.
Every once in a while, a thread appears on /tg/, and it seems innocuous at first, just like any other friend. But then, as it unfolds, you realize it's become something beautiful, like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon. Its wings spread wide, reveling in its own majesty, it takes wing into the archives of suptg and the memories of countless neckbeards.
Parker should be like Chicken Boo or Sir Bearington. His Disguise skill is so high that only Johnson knows he's an awakened housecat (which is the only reason that incompetent oaf made vice president in the first place)
Does Parker & Johnson have a motto?
>>19407566Parker should be sitting in the lap of a Baatezu he had bound to his office chair.
>>19407572"Your safety is our business, your pleasure our delight" seems good to me.
>>19407573Or a Thanadaemon
>>19407570>friendI should seriously consider getting some sleep
>>19407577"Your business is our business"
I have it! the thanadaemon can be head of scheduling!!
>>19407585>>19407580>>19407573Falxugon is the only correct answer.
>>19407585Stop pitching ideas and then accepting them before others in the thread have had a chance to give input.>inb4 this causes a huge derail
>>19407588>>19407585>>19407580>>19407573In any case, the chair should never swivel around enough that they can see Parker's cat mouth moving, so they think it's the devil/demon/whatever.
>>19407562Would anyone with something better than MS Paint and the qualifying skills be willing to make a better version of this?
>>19407571I think that would add to the mystique of the character.Maybe he disguises himself as the thanadaemon >>19407585>>19407588>>19407589>>19407590describe
>>19407594Falxugon is a Harvester Devil. I feel it fits perfectly.It stays silent for Parker not because it is made to by magics, but out of fear.
>>19407589I'm not accepting my own ideas, it was a seperate pitch.back to the topic at hand.Parker and Johnson: When it absolutely has to die.
>>19407585Nope, we got an endless supply of skeletons thanks to Orcus and Frank aggresive marketing and consulting technique.
>>19407572Got bored, went on slogan maker, input Parker & JohnsonHere are a few things I got:>It more than satisfies, it's Parker & Johnson>Parker & Johnson, for a better future.>Night or Day, Parker & Johnson is your way>Even if you don't care, Parker & Johnson does!
>>19407607>Orcus and Frank aggresive marketing and consulting technique.This made me laugh far harder than it should have.>>19407608>Night or Day, Parker & Johnson is your way>Even if you don't care, Parker & Johnson does!I like these two the most out of all the mottoes so far.
>Even if you don't care, Parker & Johnson does!Second.
Why can't Mr. Parker be a positive character? I want our employees to look up to him like a glorious all-father, not cower from his name.If he was such a bad guy, why would he build a company founded on such high standards and employee welfare?
>>19407617Most people think Parker is dead and think the random Changelings are the CEOs, aided by long time member Gazebo Johnson . It's a very secretive and complex organization that heavily maintains its false appearance of kindness and transparency.
>>19407592I could come up with something if the thread remains alive for a few more hours.>In the grim darkness of world, there is still Parker & Johnson>Parker & Johnson: Here for you, Here forever>>19407617The demon could be a puppet for Mr. Parker. It does all the talking, and is quite nice. It always holds a cat with a tie, something the employees do not understand, but tolerate because of the demons'nice behavior
>>19407625Maybe the demon calls the cat "Little Parker", so everyone assumes it's just him stroking his own ego.Nobody is aware that the demon's name is actually Todd
>>19407632That's his truename, by the way.Someone should come up with a stat sheet for Parker, Johnson, and Frank. Parker should just be a level 1 noble with obscenely high intelligence and such, Johnson is, well, a Gazeebo that's really charismatic and has a band ready to play at all times to use his bard powers, and Frank should be disgustingly powerful but never do anything but bury people in paperwork.
>>19407639I'm legitimately making a campaign out of this idea, so I'll probably wind up with stats for Jane, Tyrone, and all the other minor characters as well.
>>19407632Todd is on the board of directors, incidentally, and the CEOs head advisor, which is why he's up there so often.
The female red dragon needs a name, gents. What's it gonna be?
>>19407639Besides paperwork he is also an old one so might eat your brain or control you, but only if he has work stress from doing everything in the company so it isn't common or anyth- fruath'gh Cthulhu Uragh -ing like I said.
>>19407651The look on your players fucking faces when they discover what's really going on should be priceless.>>19407657I vote Linda
Can someone edit that exploitable of the guy with the coffee mug into a lich to make Ron?Yeah...that'd be great.
>>19407680I suggest having an Intellect Devourer crawling out of the cup. Also, I'd like one with Frank standing next to him in front of a watercooler, if this thread stays up long enough.
>>19407411This. First one to recommend a name here will get it added to the doc.
>>19407685CFO is apparently Linda, then. Changeling and Mimic should be Geoff and Roland, respectively.
>>19407685The Door greeters are obviously Hans and/und Heidi.
>>19407690HereI like >>19407692 more
Head of HR should be named Cyrril, and he should be a retired celebrity bard.
>>19407698I don't think there's an actual head of HR, considering it's Frank and then a bunch of bards. What does /tg/ think?
>>19407704I don't think we need one. If a character happens to emerge, then sure. But right now, I think we're good with the bards and Frank
I've got a decent writeup coming together here. What's a good way for me to share it with you all? It's only 13 kb, so joining Mediafire seems kinda pointless
>>19407740It'll lose all the formatting, but alright
>>19407743Here it ishttp://pastebin.com/8nrM0Us6
Okay, sorry but all I could do was this character profile.Here's Frank the Ilithid, Best Employee of Parker & Johnson
>>19407751More like Undead resource department ain't I right?
>>19407746>>19407751You are both amazing people, and I'm proud to have been a part of the creation of this thread since the very beginning. I'd post a manly tears reaction or something but I just recently reformatted.
>>19407202bathroom's clean boss
This thread needs to be archived.http://chanarchive.org/request_votes
>>19407769Would be funnier if he left ooze marks everywhere. And he just cleans up after himself day after day after day after day.
>>19407782Well, you know, he does. That's why he's an ooze.
>>194077802/4, don't fail now in our greatest hour
>>19407746I just need to know one thing, how are we going to spend money to pay all the employees, Dukes which castles we lend, our skelecopters and Frank, especially Frank, we don't want to piss of an iIlithid right?
>>19407805Frank is payed in brains. I don't think he leaves the compound much, and no one has seen him sleep.
>>19407802i'll vote if you vote for the redhead thread one below
>>19407820So you've resorted to bribery, eh /b/?
>>19407820voted anyway. your welcome
>>19407833What happened to suptg?Is it not working?
>>19407827i just wanted to save some redheads man
>>19407842It's saved there. I'm new here and put it on chanarchive because i know that existed and didn't know sup/tg/ existed. but it's there now.
Reminds me of that one time we ran a bowmaking company. Named it Victore & Volund after the rogue and assassin who were the founders (fletcher and bowmaker, respectively)
Blood, Bath, and Beyond.For all your slaughtering and clean-up needs.