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  • File : 1310686124.jpg-(349 KB, 1016x1226, Cthulboss.jpg)
    349 KB modern day fantasy Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)19:28 No.15582277  
    old thread:

    The continuing problems of a modern day fantasy earth.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)19:34 No.15582370
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    Seriously though, my Brain in a jar is starting to develop psionic powers and I just realized the spinal chord is still frozen so now I have nothing to even prepare for dinner.

    Also, Drow women are delicious. Especially the ones into torture. Of course, I like women for their... um <don't say brains, don't say brains, don't say brains, fuck I'm broadcasting this telepathically aren't I?>
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)19:38 No.15582410
    Well, do you prefer sweet young girls or bitter old hags?
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)19:43 No.15582479
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    So my parents were both adventurers, right? You might have heard of them: My dad is a Paladin and my mom is a wizard, and they were involved in that whole "Mestipharious the Grim" thing a few decades back. So, naturally, they expect me to follow in their footsteps (having to decide between magic school or the seminary training was a real bitch, let me tell you). I don't really mind...I mean, I'd kinda rather study True Naming than anything else, but man, you hear my mom talk I might as well major in fucking psionics. Still, it's not so bad: I met this really great girl in enchanting class and we've been going out for a few months now.

    That's not really my problem though. No, the problem is that my dad recently found out that one of Mestipharious' old minions survived, and has asked ME to track it down and kill it. I guess he figures it's time for me to take up the family business, you know? So I do some searching (facebook is surprisingly useful for tracking down old nemeses), and eventually figure out that this minion was a succubus that had been summoned to act as the evil douchebag's spy. I even manage to find the bitch's address, so I borrow my dad's sword and my mom's spellbook and go to pay the demonic whore a visit.

    Guess who the fuck opens the door when I knock. If it isn't my new girlfriend! She swears that she's changed, but I dunno. I can just imagine the look on my father's face if he finds out.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)19:45 No.15582508
    Why would you want to meet a couple of jackasses that dumped you because they wanted a 'superior human baby' instead of you?
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)19:45 No.15582512
    Posted this in the last thread, but it started autosaging.

    I'm not 100% sure what I am; my parents are both human, but I'm apparently a changeling. My parents are great, they put in the proper papers to legitimately adopt me and they've always treated me like I was actually their own kid.

    Recently I got a letter informing me that I would be allowed to live like a human with all the legal protections and benefits that implies, but I would have to submit to a government sanctioned wizard
    for a renewal of my glamour, and I'm not allowed to pursue my heritage.

    Should I do it? I've always been curious about my birth parents, but human definitely isn't the worst thing I could be, and reading these threads, I'm always afraid of the crazy discrimination I might be facing if it turns out I'm something really weird.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)19:46 No.15582523
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)19:46 No.15582525
    Adventurers piss me the hell of. I've been in Afghanistan for nearly ten months now, with the Allied States 8th Cavalry. Yeah, Insurgents are a bitch, but privately contracted Adventurers are real loose cannons, killing and looting with little regard for the rules of war. I have to PID before i can even open my spellbook, meanwhile those fucking Insurgents are throwing fireballs and poison bolts around like its confetti.

    I fucking hate Necromancers the most, though. Godamn evil shits.
    >> Sir Roland 07/14/11(Thu)19:49 No.15582563
    I am contemplating starting one of those "web logs" to give advice on how to protect yourself against troublesome supernaturals. Heavens know that many mortals could do with the help. Would any of you be interested inr reading such a thing?
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)19:51 No.15582593
    Yeah, good point. Fuck them.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)19:52 No.15582597
    Dear sir or madam, after the incident in Texas all citizens are required to report all Succubus presence on US soil.
    If you happen to BE a Succubus (or Incubus) you are required by presidential decree to report your presence to the nearest police station and await deportation.

    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)19:53 No.15582616

    I heard Blackwater necromancers killed off an entire village, women, children, the lot, and then raised the bodies and sent them off to clear mines. Is that true?
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)19:53 No.15582625
    Well, them and the meglomaniacs.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)19:53 No.15582627
    Excuse me for calling it like it is. Try telling me you have an "undeserved reputation" when one of your stiffs boards a bus full of schoolchildren and explodes like the overripe corpse bomb it is.

    Don't get me started on vermin-spies either. Or on skincoats, wearing the flesh of some of my buddies. Takes alot of firepower to take those things down.

    I know they're supposed to be pretty religious, but the things that go on out there are downright unholy.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)19:56 No.15582659
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    No sweat bro, we won't judge. I mean, as a Ghast I'm hardly in the position now am I?
    You should count yourself lucky, at least you can eat fresh food. No such luck for me, if I'm hungry I can't go out to the store for a quick snack or grab something from a fastfood joint. Oh no, I have to get my food at least a week in advance, what with these extended expiry dates nowadays. Can you believe I have to put a tray of minced meat from the supermarket outside for a week before it spoils? And don't even get me started on canned stuff, I have to wait for the weather forcast to either predict at least a week of good constant rain or temperatures over 80 degrees for a good few days before I bother to open a can of wieners...
    Mind you, while that's a spot of a bother it pales in comparison to dealing with neighbours complaining about the stench. I mean, so what if they're Elves and have a superior sense of smell, can't they cut a brother a bit of slack?
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)19:57 No.15582675
    Nah, I never had the misfortune to work with any Blackwater types. Lots of bullshit rumours floating around though.

    For one thing, combat runes are not passed around. Only specialist units who specifically volunteer for them are allowed access, and even then they're kept away from the rest of us. All this talk of "Second Gulf Beserker Syndrome" is just bullshit.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)19:57 No.15582681
    An aboleth for a boss?

    Now there's a horror story waiting to happen.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)19:57 No.15582683
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    Oh, sure, but you have no problem with a fucking Evoker buying a wand of cloudkill at the Vecna-damned wand show because it's his "constitutional right." What the fuck else can a wand of cloudkill be used for? It's right in the goddamn name! At least my minions CAN be used constructively. Why don't you go back to waterboarding innocent goblins, you fucking fascist?

    YES I MAD.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)19:58 No.15582704
    So speaks the tool of an imperialistic state all the while claiming that the the recent incident with the Holly Cruise Missile of Antioch hitting a hospital was an error in the blessing process.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:01 No.15582738
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    So I've been trying to sell some property that I recently inherited and I've hit a bit of a roadblock.

    It's a gorgeous place, used to be an old evil stronghold for my grandfather built on a volcanic island (Ten floors, 216 bedroom, 1 bathroom, new stone flooring in the throne room, geothermal heating, and waterfront property) and I put a lot of work into renovating it.

    But then the Realtor calls me, after trying to find a buyer for 3 months, and tells me that he can't sell this place. It's apparently got a gods damned dryad grove growing on it and the whole place is a reserve that can't be developed in any way. I don't have to pay taxes on the property but what the hell am I supposed to do with this?
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:02 No.15582754
    > Dryad Grove
    > A problem

    Pick one.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:03 No.15582762

    Put some more bathrooms in? Seriously, 216 bedrooms and 1 bathroom is a human traffic jam waiting to happen. Not to mention one clog in the pipes is going to ruin everyone's day.
    >> Malflorr !qoI5RvmRWk 07/14/11(Thu)20:03 No.15582766
    It sucks to be a dwarf in this economy. So expensive to get decent charcoal for the forges. Buying it buy the ton is the reason so many forges were shut down.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:04 No.15582770

    Wait till you have to do an underdark tour. ROE's a lot more restrictive, no CAS, and your 'allies' will just as soon kill you as to look at you.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:04 No.15582774

    You know making Assumptions makes an Ass out of you and me, right?

    Firstly, I'm a Paladin, not a Missile Operator. Whatever the Sky Force does is its own business. Secondly, just because I choose to serve my Temple and Country overseas you assume I vote for the Grand Order Public?

    Because only a redneck would want to be out there doing good for those that can't for themselves, right?

    Got news for you buddy. I don't own any wands at home, and the only relic i carry from my time abroad is my uniform, my service medal, and a trusty Scroll of Cure Critical Wounds.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:05 No.15582786
    Quietly mention the problem to an aboleth. Work out a price.

    Within a week or so, your problem will have disappeared, and all that you'll have to do is clean the goo off the walls.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:05 No.15582787

    Rent it out to druids. You'll be surprised how many druids, centaurs, elves and other forest-type persons are willing to pay to get the chance to, eh, "commune" with a dryad. And the midsummer feasts? Shit, man, druids grow the best weed.
    >> Ain't No Thing 07/14/11(Thu)20:05 No.15582791
    Dude just open it up as an eco-tourist spot. I know you'd get get bunch of elves to sign up for it.
    >> Nick Nightshade !004I36Tidw 07/14/11(Thu)20:07 No.15582815
    Anyone doing tours of the Underdark? What are the laws for imports and exports, and who runs things in terms of international business?
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:08 No.15582836
    start an evil empire you moron.
    (enslave the dryads first.)
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:09 No.15582843
    Why not have it opened to settlement by the more technophobic elves. Nice, out of the way spot, they get their commune with nature on, and they won't feather hikers with arrows for taking the scenic route.
    >> Drew the Lich 07/14/11(Thu)20:11 No.15582856

    Eh, I tried the whole evil empire thing. It... didn't go so well.

    One day I'll be like my hero, Skeletor. One day... Until then, I'll just rest in my piles of baked goods and money.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:11 No.15582857
    So my roomate is a fucking vampire. Real nerdy, even for this board. For perspective, he's 200 years old and was a virgin up until a few years ago. Guy took the idea of "forever alone" to a whole new level.

    Then fucking Twilight came out. Now all of a sudden he's SWIMMING in pussy. He doesn't even need to do anything! Worst of all, he's getting all alpha about it.

    I think I'm going to leave a bag of rice in front of the door when he goes to work. That'll show him.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:11 No.15582858
    >implying anyone would want elves on their propriety
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:13 No.15582883
    Half-Hydra from last thread reporting. Just got some custom order scrolls that I ordered online, so I'm happy. Dragon bro is a white dragon, so he will be glad when I can chill his room down tonight.

    Anyways I think I might take the polymorph lessons? I mean I don't have to do fully body shit. It's not like Lefty's fetish is to be a centaur or anything. Besides it might be a help to have a couple extra hands (literally) when stocking shelves and the like. Think I should?
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:13 No.15582889
    I would. Free pest control and burglar alarm (if you count the screams of the dying as an alarm).
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:13 No.15582890
    You have to spill the rice nub nuts
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:13 No.15582897
    Are you suggesting you would not rather have them on an island in the middle of the ocean where we don't have to deal with them?
    >> Ain't No Thing 07/14/11(Thu)20:13 No.15582899
    Let him enjoy his time as top dog. In a couple of years vampires will be old news and some new race will be held up by obnoxious, screaming fans as the paragons of sexuality.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:14 No.15582910
    Shit, thanks bro. Any other tips on how to troll my gay vampire roomate (no stakes or anything, I don't wanna kill him).
    >> Malflorr !qoI5RvmRWk 07/14/11(Thu)20:14 No.15582911
    Don't get me bloody started on the trade laws. It is a bitch and a half to get ore up from there, and with todays demand for hell-touched wares from tieflings and the lesser demons, it really puts strain on Dwarven management.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:16 No.15582921

    Oh man, I feel your pain.

    I found a nice, secluded place of Cursed Wood, perfect for a mansion - I was assured no living soul entered that bit of forest for over a century and came out alive. It was a steal, too.

    And yup, you guessed it, dryads. A whole nest of 'em, all clumped around some 'sacred grove' apparently. No way to kill 'em off, endangered species they said. Yeah, tell that to my thralls; with all the seducing going on, they were about to become an endangered damn species!

    Had to have the whole damn grove excavated and moved, which set me back a pretty copper piece, but me and my Countess assumed the mansion market would boom big and it'd all pay off in the end.

    Then the market crashed. I'm practically living on the streets now, my nefarious deeds mostly consisting of muggings and stealing money off of hobos. This was not the country I was raised in! How is this fair?!
    >> Sir Roland 07/14/11(Thu)20:16 No.15582926
    I seem to recall there was a young polymorphed marilith who was requiring my assistance a while back. If you could detail what has happened since then, I'd be most grateful.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:17 No.15582931
    Woah now, no need to be that much of a dick.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:17 No.15582935

    I hear Dwarves are gonna be the next big thing, what with that movie's coming out about that dwarven expedition back in the Third Age.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:17 No.15582936
    Elves are the worst squatters ever.

    Seriously, I had a guy who lived below me at my old apartment that went to go "commune in the woods" and didn't come back for two months. The landlord had to knock on my door twice to ask if I knew anything about where he was because he needed to move his car (a hybrid, of course) from in front of the dumpster. They tried to tow it but his Wolf animal companion kept attacking the guy attaching the hook.

    Not to mention that he had missed rent for a couple months.

    At least the perpetual smell of burning herbs stopped while he was gone.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:17 No.15582938
    Half-Hydra here. I once trolled a vampire by dumping garlic salt over everything in his fridge. Including putting "YO DAWG, I HEARD YOU LIKE GARLIC" on his fridge door.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:18 No.15582941
    Stakes don't kill just immobilize, so you can take your time skinning and defanging the fuckers and leave them for the sun to finish off.
    Not that I would do that, no sir.
    Vampires are protected under the sentient undead act of 87.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:18 No.15582949
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    >> Nick Nightshade !004I36Tidw 07/14/11(Thu)20:19 No.15582955

    Hrm, Draconian and tight trade laws, lots of demand for products on both sides, nightmare for legitimate business... I think I just found the new Goblin China.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:19 No.15582957
    It does get pretty bad. You go looking for adamantine or mithril in the deep places, and suddenly you hit a cavern with an abyssal rift. Before you can so much as blink a demon is there accusing you of trespassing and demanding ownership of the tunnel you just dug as "illegal development of private property". As if they don't put the portals there just so they can just claimjump.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:19 No.15582959

    Pardon me but I use a wand of cloudkill to take out vermin around my house and it is my constitutional right.Im no crazed Evoker either I happen to be a Rogue and spent alot of time and money learning to use things like this and use them responsibly.So please before you start throwing around stereotypes just think about the countless people using wands responsibly

    also if the vermin happen to BE Goblins so fucking what?Maybe they shouldnt have been trespassing in the first place
    >> Malflorr !qoI5RvmRWk 07/14/11(Thu)20:20 No.15582969
    I can cut you all a deal on mithril AR-15 uppers if you come to Burun's Forgeworks. Also have 25% off our pewter mugs.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:20 No.15582975
    Man this modern day fantasy thing is half shithole for normal humans, half "OMFG I GOT [INSERT RACE HERE] GIRLFRIEND"
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:21 No.15582985
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    Dryads, eh? I believe we can come to an agreement...
    >> Nick Nightshade !004I36Tidw 07/14/11(Thu)20:22 No.15582989

    Psh, shithole? More like opportunity rich environment.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:22 No.15582991
    Man, I was so stoked when I found out zombies were back in style again. Seriously, I haven't gotten laid since I got laid to rest, if you know what I mean. Unfortunately, even though I get mad women I have some trouble... Er, "performing".

    I think I need some pills of "Raise Undead".
    >> Nick Nightshade !004I36Tidw 07/14/11(Thu)20:23 No.15583001

    Dryad Grove? I can pay cash now, let me make you an offer you can't refuse...
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:23 No.15583003

    This got me visualizing The Dude as an elf, and I must say it brought a smile to my face.
    >> Nachtmaren dragoon 07/14/11(Thu)20:24 No.15583007

    We're getting issued F2000s soon. the civilian market on AR style weapons is gonna crash from the surplus dump, heads up.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:24 No.15583008
    Careful though, some of them are just looking to get bitten so they can kill everyone they have a grudge against and claim temporary insanity. You'll end up and accesory to mass murder. Keep your mouth closed.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:25 No.15583021
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    Statement: Reported for Viral
    Inevitable Dispatched
    Good day citizen.
    >> Sir Roland 07/14/11(Thu)20:25 No.15583024

    Thanks for the tip, my friend. I will be ready.
    >> Half Hydra here 07/14/11(Thu)20:25 No.15583027
    Fuck it putting shit in the name box for now.

    Learn to read the damned thread

    What about rock salt mugs?
    >> Ain't No Thing 07/14/11(Thu)20:25 No.15583033
    Yeah, hate to break it to you but the zombie fetishists are the worst.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:27 No.15583056
    Sir, since the case of 'Jonson vs Short Spear of the Dark Wells of Despair' your propriety extends to three yards below your basement. Being a Gas weapon cloud kill an travel through cracks in the earth to proprieties owned by underground races. Your willful slaughter of sentient beings has been noted and your IP is being tracked.
    >> Malflorr !qoI5RvmRWk 07/14/11(Thu)20:28 No.15583064
    Well thats alright, we have been slowly switching over to production to SCAR variants. All our non-mithril ARs have been on clearance for a month or so. We are just starting mithril price reductions.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:28 No.15583068
    Easy there guys, no need to get excessive with the Mallet of Planar Deportation. This is a forum for social networking at times. Please present more conclusive proof that this is a reoccuring add before taking punitive measures.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:28 No.15583075
    So martial artist kobold from the last thread here. My grandfather had a flash of insight and remembered that there was a martial art focused on explosives and traps I might be able to take. Good news is that it carries over into performance art and engineering. Bad news is it means competing with my sister. Give that girl two sticks and she'll find a way to make them decapitate anyone above 5 feet tall. Anyway I'm having second thoughts about doing it because on top of that it sounds kind of dangerous. I mean, gunpowder's one of those things you don't mess around with, right?
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:31 No.15583102
    By comparison to some schools of magic it's on the tame side. Necromancy is noted for it's corruptive effects. Channeling negative energy when your life essence is positive results in all sort of long term problems.
    >> Malflorr !qoI5RvmRWk 07/14/11(Thu)20:31 No.15583105
    We are all sold out on those, we have a large centaur market who has taken an interest in them. We should get a new load in from the mine in 4 days though.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:31 No.15583109

    Fuck mithril weapons, mithril-tipped BULLETS is where it's at. I mean, sure it's nice to have a gun that never suffers from barrel stress and all, but the mithril should really be used on ammo. Hell, even a 9mm mithril round can shoot clean through tank armor or dragon.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:32 No.15583117
    Does anyone else get confused when you go into dwarf cafes and place to order is downstairs? And they really don't like to use waiters, so you sit down for five minutes and then rememeber to go order.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:34 No.15583133
    This is vexing.

    I have to mow the lawn, front and back three times a week to keep it from over taking our house. I swear my skin is getting greener each day, or something.

    Any idea what could be causing the wicked overgrowth of my lawn?
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:35 No.15583140
    >they really don't like to use waiters
    >> Sir Roland 07/14/11(Thu)20:35 No.15583147

    I've used some before. They're satisfyingly effective.
    >> Malflorr !qoI5RvmRWk 07/14/11(Thu)20:36 No.15583152
    Sorry laddy, doesn't work like that. mithril is too light and too expensive to be used effectively as in munitions other than rocket casings. And rocket casings are EXPENSIVE to make!
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:36 No.15583157
    Well it makes sense to have the orders near the larder. You get to see what they have on tap and can take a whiff in the barrels to see what's seen better days. The dwarves won't notice since they have quite a robust digestive tract, but some of it might have started to ferment without outside prompting.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:36 No.15583161

    And "channeling" my body's energy into an explosive substance I have to keep on my person is OK by comparison?

    You mages don't know how good you have it.
    >> Half Hydra here 07/14/11(Thu)20:38 No.15583175
    If your skin really is is getting greener you might wanna have the place scoped out for curses or some shit. If its just the plants you probably caught a bad type of weed or something.

    I dunno, I think the real fun is when your ammo is enchanted. I'm taking mid level classes for enchanting actually. Shit is fun.
    >> Ain't No Thing 07/14/11(Thu)20:39 No.15583187
    You obviously don't know how dwarven restaurants work. First you have to tell the host/hostess where you are sitting and, unlike human restaurants, you have to flag a server down when you want to order. You'll be flagging your server down whenever you want anything, they don't come to you.
    >> Sir Roland 07/14/11(Thu)20:40 No.15583193

    I often purchase enchanted ammunition for my hunts. My particular favorite are ignition rounds, which sets the target ablaze. Most humorous to watch.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:41 No.15583200
    Oh, sure you might blow up. At least you don't have soul cancer. I'm told by clerics my soul looks like swiss cheese.
    >> Malflorr !qoI5RvmRWk 07/14/11(Thu)20:44 No.15583222
    See, the thing about mithril munitions is that they pierce armor very well, but they lack the same kind of umph that most munitions. Adamantuim however, has more power and the rounds don't deform on impact. We see great sales for our 128mm adamantuim rounds. That where our big sales have been for ages.
    >> Nick Nightshade !004I36Tidw 07/14/11(Thu)20:45 No.15583232
    You guys hear about how that new discipline, Marrangha, is causing a boom in the Red Market? Flesh trade is extreme, even for someone like me. Organ leggers freak me out, and with this new black magic trend they're becoming more prominent and more annoying. I'll be damned if I let them move in on my turf though.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:45 No.15583240


    Oh... Oh my god.

    I'm so sorry, dude.
    >> Ain't No Thing 07/14/11(Thu)20:50 No.15583286
    Dude, souls totally grow back. The clerics are just trying to scam you. Stop with the soul devouring magics and you're golden.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:51 No.15583292
    Don't sweat it. After it reaches a certain stage my emotions start to go, so if anything I'm relatively angst free. Small mercies. This is what you get for taking internet necromancy courses of unknown origin kiddies. Plus I'm going to schools and talking with kids about it so hopefully my mistakes won't be as often repeated.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:51 No.15583294
    Yeah, evil masterminds have it easy my ass. Hugo, a friend of mine, works as a advisor to the The Wicked Lord. He says that guy is going to stress himself to death before any "righteous adventurer" gets him.

    Just hope he's around until I graduate to spectral lichdom. With good grades and Hugo around I should be able to get a well-paid job in TWK's kingdom.
    >> Malflorr !qoI5RvmRWk 07/14/11(Thu)20:52 No.15583308
    Did anyone else hear about that troll clan that went on a rampage in New York in the stolen bus?
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:52 No.15583315
    I have a mere two words to share.

    Fuck. Centaurs.

    And before you monster hopping freaks get all worked up for another fap story, I'm sorry to disappoint but this isn't another made up story about my beast whore GF.

    I work for the Police y'see, mounted officer. The importance of horses has never been greater than it is today with the increased urban integration of races that can out run a human on foot; a car can't follow a perp everywhere so that's where me and Cairon come in.

    Yeah that's right they have me riding the poor bastard.

    Now, don't get me wrong he's the best damn mount cum partner an officer can have. Quicker 'n greased lightning and sharp as a tack, he's my buddy right? But even buddies can hate eachother at times and boy howdy, I'm sick of the mess he makes.

    See the only way the centaurs would agree to the rider program was if it was "in the spirit of mutual benefit", as if it isn't mutually beneficial to have two trained officers on the scene already. Basically the deal is that in exchange for rides I have to be what boils down to his stable assistant.

    Most of the time this is perfectly fine. I got no problems picking glass out of the hoof of a buddy, even if he does nearly kick my jaw off every time. Nope, the problem starts with the muck raking.

    He does it on purpose! We'll be in the goddamn office, getting some work done when all of a sudden the room smells like an open septic tank. And there's Cairon staring at me with the biggest fucking grind smacked on his smug face, 'cause he knows who has to break out the broom and shovel now?

    Fuck. Centaurs.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:53 No.15583323
    Dude, that's not how bullets work.

    Mithril is super-hard and super-light.

    Bullets like that would just bounce off armour, and go straight through people without harming them.

    You want really heavy, soft bullets, so they expand within target.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:54 No.15583334
    I've been meaning to ask, and here seems to be as good a place as any... Sentient artifacts.

    I ended up inheriting an enchanted mace a while back. An uncle of mine had it, though gods only know where he picked up since he was just a school teacher. I'm looking it over once I get it, seeing if I want to put it up on a mantle or sell it at the local weapon shop, and I hear a voice in my head which I find out is coming from the mace.

    It seems kinda cool. Has some war stories from a couple hundred years ago, and some of the people who used to use it are neat to hear about even outside of battles, but I'm not really sure what to do with it. I'm not about to need to smash and bash any time soon myself, but I can't really think of just selling it or anything like that.
    >> Ain't No Thing 07/14/11(Thu)20:57 No.15583361
    He's just messing with you. Centaur humor isn't exactly a comedy of manners. Next time he does it just hop a squat next to him and don't clean it up. He'll stop making you to clean up after him once you make it clear he's going to have to clean up after you.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)20:57 No.15583365
    Yeah, necromany, demonology, transdimensional magic all that stuff should be treated with respect. I had good grades and got into a proper Black Arts university.

    People say we witchers try to get powerful artefacts all the time but that's bullshit, we are teached from the start what happens to those who tries to get quick powers.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:00 No.15583388
    Dude, there is a wealth of watcing each others back jokes here begging to be used.
    >> Malflorr !qoI5RvmRWk 07/14/11(Thu)21:00 No.15583396
    Most mithril loads are extreme high velocity loads so they do penetrate. Look at my earlier post though. Adamantium is quickly becoming the leading anti-armor round as it tears through armor motor and engine alike.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:01 No.15583406
    Get a transfer to the hippogriff corps.
    Rides like a horse + it can fly, being a mounted officer you would automatically be shifted to the top of the list of applicants.
    >> Malflorr !qoI5RvmRWk 07/14/11(Thu)21:04 No.15583446
    Get it appraised and identified.
    Oops, poor linking on my part.
    >> Half Hydra here 07/14/11(Thu)21:05 No.15583456
    Dude what the hell. Dragon buddy just walked in. He looked a little sad so I asked him "why so down?"

    Next think I know the entire right side of the compy desk is frozen (hes a white dragon btw).

    Fucker froze my soda and frosted over one of my monitors. What the hell did I do wrong?
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:08 No.15583481

    I hate to break out the old cliché but... It belongs in a museum. There, it can hang out with other sentient items, teach history to visitors, and help historians research the Dark Ages. It will be tended to and restored to mint condition as well.

    Also, you get reimbursed in cash.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:08 No.15583483

    Write a book with the thing and make sure to get royalties.If Oprah hears about it the two of you will be rich
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:09 No.15583491
    Consider the following:
    Bullets of minor holding, as most of my spells are to tedious to use in mid-combat I had a artificer make this for me. I mostly fill them with black oozes (Up here in Scandinavia you can get it really cheap since our mines are crawling with them.) the lil' bastards can burn through anything. And they are recyclable too, just need a few wizard bottles and a spell of corrosion resistance.
    >> Sir Roland 07/14/11(Thu)21:09 No.15583493

    Break something he loves. Then, when he tries to get revenge, show him you can break his legs just as easily. I can teach you several techniques for doing just that.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:09 No.15583497

    Aww no, nonononono!

    Nope, I know how this story ends. That test of wills is a pure case of MAD. It starts with dumping contests and arguing over who cleans up what first, then the whole office has to be closed for three days to be cleaned. And that's just if it's the crap, Chairon already does the cock waving thing and I am not going to be party to that.

    He gets a boner at work when it's quiet? He'll be sure to take a slow walk to the water cooler past the female officer's desks, or even just slap it around in front of me grinning. And god help me if a centaur women walks past, if I had to get my pecker out every time he did I'll either end up with crushed self esteem or a date a really don't want.


    Fuck. Hippogrifions.

    I'm allergic to feathers and despite his shenanigans I happen to like Chairon. Plus no one else would put up with his shit, pun intended.
    >> Malflorr !qoI5RvmRWk 07/14/11(Thu)21:10 No.15583505
    Sounds like your getting the cold shoulder, laddy.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:11 No.15583511
    I was in the shops, buying some deoderent and this ogre was standing next to me. Like me, he was looking at the brands, what they offered. You know usual stuff. Then, in one sudden movement, he grabs the whole fucking shelf, and pours it into his cart, and makes his way to the counters.

    Do they seriously smell that bad? I have a ogre friend, and he never smells at all. They're made out of rock, so I don't see the problem.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:13 No.15583529


    Heard trolls are a protected species now, so no more troll hunting up there. How's that going for you?
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:13 No.15583535
    This is a good idea. Getting to pass on the tales of the past to others is about as good as it gets for old warriors. Reminiscing with other sentient weapons they might even get a comprehensive view of a war if they were the weapons of the generals of opposing sides. Plus they can hit on the sentient breastplate (they do so out of imitation, no genders for equipment).
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:13 No.15583538
    Not after that much deo they don't. He might have had moss or something.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:14 No.15583544
    I am with Roland on this one. State that if he continues with this chicanery, you will crush something he loves before his eyes.

    If he continues, cut off something he loves and wave it in his face, laughing.

    Or we could go with my capture and
    >use hamersat
    to crush him
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:16 No.15583552
    You know what else is a pain nowadays? Getting life insurance. I just thought I'd take care of my kids and set them up with a nice fund for when I pass on, you know, to ease the pain of losing me and avoid having them pay for my funeral.
    But apparently they have a clause for everything these days! Turns out you're not elligable for life insurance if you've ever channeled negative energy of any kind, have already died before or if your soul no longer resides in your body! So what if I'm a Lich, I still have kids from before my transformation and in my line of work you're bound to end up as the focus of some meddling group of adventurers...
    So after the first application was turned down, I thought I'd try again and simply not tell them but nooo, you have to fill out the entire form. And apparently lying doesn't help either, they've got some kind of scrying or detection spell that picks that up. So for my last application I prepared something special, I filled out the entire form in EXPLOSIVE RUNES!!! Let's see how they like that, the smug bastards.
    Discrimination against the Unliving, that's what it is...
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:16 No.15583560
    Nah, next time he comes home with a girl, be all polite- make her tea, and make sure you use holy water... wait till they go get comfy and sit back to watch the action. Oh, and tell us how it goes.
    >> Malflorr !qoI5RvmRWk 07/14/11(Thu)21:16 No.15583561
    It is intriguing, I will look into it, but I don't decide what gets put out. I just make what is.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:18 No.15583579
    It's already been through the standard gamut of "evil magic/cursed" checks. Nothing showed there, though yeah, something like sentience should have come up. But still, even if I take it in for a more thorough scrying I have no idea what to do if/when it clears. It's not 'Dancing' so all it can do is sit there. Would it be find to just leave it at home when I'm at work or something, or would I need to bring it along?

    It doesn't seem to mind the time it was in storage, or at least it just shrugs it off (metaphorically) but... I dunno, it seems like the equivalent of solitary or sense deprivation to me since it can think.

    Yeah, I suppose that would be best... gods know I haven't been taking good care of the elven dagger I got for my birthday a few years back... I don't think I've even taken it out of the sheath more than a handful of times outside the first few days after getting it... someplace the mace can get properly treated would be better...
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:18 No.15583583
    Good actually, I worked hard for it to happen. No, no moral shit, trolls are just really handy when it comes to labour and... certain jobs. Also, the idea that trolls are stupid is way off they are actually very intelligent and their innate magic abilities help as well.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:19 No.15583599
    So kobold martial artist here again. Despite my bad experiences with humans, I'd be willing to let everything slide and hop on the racial integration train if you would just CUT IT OUT WITH THE DAIRY.

    Seriously, do you have to put cheese in everything? My lizardman buddy Fred (He had human parents) had the exact same problem when we were in high school. It gives us the turbo runs, and nearly got him hospitalized. No I am not being "picky". No I am not a vegan. Half of your own stupid race can't eat this stuff either. SO STOP PUTTING IT IN EVERYTHING.

    On the plus side, our family dinners never have to worry about some guest being a vegetarian. Just take out the eggs and meat, and bam, done. Ratatoille or however you spell it is delicious, though. I can't even count the number of times I've fixed it.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:20 No.15583604

    Sentient items, huh? Reminds me of my old Gunnery Sergeant. He was a mean old bastard, but when he took a stray MM (magic missile) to the chest in 'Nam, he had the company Cleric bind his soul to his M-16. He's still on the front lines, serving with my old unit. He can shoot the wings off a fly at 100 yards, even in the hands of a cross-eyed FNG.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:20 No.15583607
    You do realize you might get the feds on you for that one. Especially since an inevitable bot has been confirmed to be on the same thread. They'll go after you independently too since they're all about reasserting natural law.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:21 No.15583615
    Hey dude, if you have a problem with cheese, don't eat stuff with it, don't blame our cuisine.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:22 No.15583627
    Dude, if it isn't registering as sentient to magical tests it might not be the weapon, but YOU!
    You might be forming an empathic link with such a historical object.
    Try finding an other such object to test the theory or get yourself checked by a mage.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:25 No.15583648

    He might be Chosen to wield that weapon. After all, it has an affinity to his bloodline. He should check with the Gods, maybe Fate has decided he's supposed to Champion some cause or another... And if he is, well, I pity the kid.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:30 No.15583681
    Damn it they need to send memos to these people. It's not like with all the clerics around we're out of touch with divine forces, so why not just send us a wire?
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:30 No.15583683
    Watch out for Destiny though. That bitch has never heard of the term Collateral Damage
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:31 No.15583694
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    Sup guys. I'm a druid.

    I met a nice girl yesterday and we got to talking... about stuff ya know? Music, books, movies that sort of thing. I really got to liking her so we went out on a date. It was pretty good! She said she was an artificer, I wasn't sure what that was at first, but after asking a local college of mine who's training to be a wizard. He explained that artificers are basically wizards who imbune items with magical powers.

    I think "Awesome! She can give my staff enchantments in stuff" IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN HURR HURR... anyway. She calls me over and asks me to be there for some kind of ritual she's doing. I arrive and I see she's in the practice of... god I don't even know how to describe it.

    But it was like she was replacing her flesh with metal and stuff. She explained that she's a re-forged or something like that and... well I just don't know what to say to her now. I'm ok with magical items and stuff, but this is a bit much... what should I do /tg/?
    >> Malflorr !qoI5RvmRWk 07/14/11(Thu)21:31 No.15583696
    If this is true stop over at Burun's Forgeworks and get fitted with some new chainmail. 15% off!
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:31 No.15583698

    You don't even know all the shit you serve that has it in there, do you?

    You put it in white bread, for example. Pretty fun culture shock. And by fun I mean my whole family was scrambling for the can after dinner one night. You should put a goddamn label on it or something, you did that for nut allergies which are way less widespread.

    Chocolate. Instant mash. Some margarine apparently. And burritos. If I had to count the number of times I got a burrito that had cheese in it...

    And if I hear someone ask if I can take "the enzyme" again I am going to flip the fuck out. We don't produce that enzyme. EVER. Get it through your warm-blooded heads.
    >> Malflorr !qoI5RvmRWk 07/14/11(Thu)21:35 No.15583737
    Well, Im not sure. I have heard of this, but Im not sure why anyone would want to do it.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:37 No.15583752
    As the previous thread's flesh golem I must say it's ironic that a human wants to be more like me, and I want to be more like a human. If things don't work out, mind getting me her number? I don't work like that, but the conversation would be fascinating.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:38 No.15583763
    You know how hard it is having Sight? I mean I didn't ask for it. I was a victim.

    It was part of the Hedge Jumper incident. Fucking hedge teleporter going around being an asshole, is wanted for breaking and entering and what not, and when he was running from the feds, teleported right into me. Now, you would think that would kill me, but no. He just fucking explodes and I pass out. Wake up in ER, and after some tests, I discover i can see ghosts as well as hidden runes. Cool right?

    Fucking wrong. Turns out, ghosts are all fucking perverts. I come into a stall, try to take a shit, and some dude just steps through the wall and starts watching me poop. I wait, and then tell him to fuck off. He freaks, and legs it! And, apparently, this girl who died in the other apartment, has been watching me sleep for about a year now. I don't like to sleep anymore, not that i can now, thanks to Sight.

    Also, would you believe how much hidden rune graffiti is about the place? Its fucking disgusting.
    >> Sir Roland 07/14/11(Thu)21:39 No.15583768

    Being human is overrated and irritating. I'd try to become a metal golem if possible - much harder to be injured that way.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:39 No.15583775
    Do you want to be inevitabled?! They already marked you once, keep it up they might get srs.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:42 No.15583804
    Shit I hope that's not the case. The empathy thing could be neat, especially if I can expand it to other items, but capital-D Destiny? Yeah, thank you, but no thanks...

    How does that work, anyway? If it's something the gods set up, does it matter if you're a follower of that pantheon? Or is it just a sort of cosmic "Your Fate Here" thing?
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:43 No.15583816

    If you can see them, you can banish them. Just ask for an introductory distance course in exorcism, rebuking and repelling wraiths, ghosts, banshees and spectres of all types from the University of the Holy Light, Salt Lake City, Utah.
    >> Malflorr !qoI5RvmRWk 07/14/11(Thu)21:44 No.15583822
    You act as if this isn't the three hundredth time its happened to me. Our adds are everywhere and we have been inevitabled more times than we can count. We have delt with so much here that ou-
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:44 No.15583823
    If you want, go to a credited mage and get a rune of warding for your apartment, works on ghosts, specters, phantasms, and all assorted intruders. Put a warning on your door though. If the landlord/lady get blasted you're in deep shit.
    >> Half Hydra here 07/14/11(Thu)21:45 No.15583839
    I feel sorry for you. A friend of mine gave me a cool set of true sight goggles (he had a spare for some reason) I never wear them anymore because of the shit I find with them on.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:46 No.15583846
    >> Malflorr !qoI5RvmRWk 07/14/11(Thu)21:49 No.15583880
    Heheha! Well now its not like I said candlej- better not do that.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:50 No.15583887

    Well, the Gods like to fuck around with people. It could be a drunken wager, or some goddess is pissed that her hubby fucked a mortal because "he thought they were on a break at the time". If you've been chosen to become a Champion, though, you better hope you get to be in the care of Fate, since Destiny is kind of a dick (as someone else already said), and if you're chosen by Trickster, then you're basically fucked. Check your local yellow pages for a Sphinx, they're the most reliable diviners in the business. Just read up on trivia before you call it up, since you have to answer a riddle and if you get it wrong, no sphinx will ever deal with you.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:50 No.15583889
    Yeah well, the dead girl isn't so bad. I dunno, can you get expections put in?

    Well, the sleep thing isn't so bad. I mean, makes all-nighters ok, since I don't sleep anyway.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:52 No.15583908
    >if you get it wrong, no sphinx will ever deal with you
    Well, one will. Or at least, her stomach acids will be dealing with you.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:52 No.15583912
    Get her a ghosttouch snuggy and you can cuddle with her.
    >> Malflorr !qoI5RvmRWk 07/14/11(Thu)21:55 No.15583938
    Well that heart warming. When does he bring out the ghost touched condoms and it becomes groin warming?
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:56 No.15583946
    >ghosttouch snuggy
    Ahaha, that reminds me of my friend Phil, who bought a ghost touch fleshlight. The guy he bought it from swore up and down the ghost who was, uh, using it was a babe in life.
    Well, Phil had been using it for some time, when he finally got it in his head that he wanted to see the ghostly lady who'd providing him with pleasure for all that time, so he borrowed a pair of glasses of true seeing.

    Wasn't no babe.

    Wasn't even a woman.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:56 No.15583947
    Remember: Fate is only the most logical and most probable path in your life as of this moment. It is prone to change, although sometimes gods and outlanders tend to railroad their champions a great deal.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)21:58 No.15583964

    Well, I should at least check on whether it's just psychometry or the mage who did the IDing botched up, first. Why risk getting eaten (or banned from service, which I really REALLY hope is what would happen) if you don't need to, after all.
    >> DEGAUS 07/14/11(Thu)21:58 No.15583968







    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:00 No.15583983
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    Perfect timing, guys.

    I've got a serious problem here.

    My kid got into a little fight today... and may have killed the other.

    He's adopted, right? Part of the whole integration sponsorship program. Me and my wife thought it was a good way to help out, you know? These kids tend to be a little... harsh, you see. They're put into this program to pound a little civility into them. He's not that bad though. Only reason he was in there is because his REAL folks were in some kind of old world cult. Nasty stuff. He's apparently some kind of fishman half breed from some fishing town.

    Now the kid's been amazing. Smart as hell, you wouldn't know he wasn't human if it weren't for the scales, fins, and this freaky glowing lure that pokes out of his head. Docs tell me these hybrids always start out human and eventually turn. It's been years and up until today he's been fine. But today? Jesus. I knew he was having problems with an ogre punk in the multi-species school we send him to. Well today it looks like it's finally come to a little blood shed. Good on him, i think. He needs to stand up for himself a little more.

    continued. it's a lot to take in right now
    >> Sir Roland 07/14/11(Thu)22:00 No.15583987

    These spambots are very irritating.
    >> Malflorr !qoI5RvmRWk 07/14/11(Thu)22:01 No.15583992
    Off with you, Im the one steali- er advertising here!
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:02 No.15583999
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    Ever see a shark leap out of the water and tear a bull to shreds? I don't recommend it.

    The guys i spoke to told me about what happened when i arrived. Apparently deep sea predators don't usually have the opportunity to eat like land animals. So when one tastes blood in the water the opportunity comes, and they've got this instinctive reflex hardwired into their skull to hunt down and kill whatever it came from. All normal thoughts: morals, predictions, dangers- all that goes away, leaving only this frenzy for food. Unfortunately it looks like that doesn't stop in the water. you know how a shark can smell blood miles away from it's source? Picture that one hundred fold. Kid bites down into the ogre, and next thing you know he's dragging him off to the schools aquatic area and biting off pieces as he does. Least that's what i was told. I didn't show up until much later.

    I found out when these suits knocked on my door and told us what happened. They fished out the ogre and he's in the hospital now. Kid on the other hand was boxed up and taken by this group called the SRA or something. Not sure what it stands for.

    Wife's really torn up about it. I've been trying to get them to let me see him for hours now but they keep saying "it's too dangerous" or some bullshit. They just left a while ago.

    not sure what you can say to help but i need to get in there. any ideas? these people are fucking relentless and i'm worried the worst can come of this. I think if the ogre dies they could put him down.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:02 No.15584000
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    Sphinx here, just to dispel some nasty rumors, we're not allowed to consume sentients who fail to answer our riddle without their explicit consent. So make sure you read the divination contract before signing it, morsels! I mean mortals.

    Also: I have a bed, but do not sleep in it. I have a mouth, but do not eat with it. What am I?
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:04 No.15584009
    My girlfriend is a Sphinx, and she's asked me that one before: a river.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:04 No.15584014
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:04 No.15584015
    Don't belittle yourself for change, get a job. Asking for handouts makes you look like an invalid. Showing that you can be a valued member of society proves you are more than just a mobile dildo.
    >> Sir Roland 07/14/11(Thu)22:04 No.15584017

    A dead cat if you do not cease with your infernal riddles.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:04 No.15584018
    Being a spectral Lich Sight kind of comes with the ritual, for better or worse. Have had some nice talks with several cultured ghosts, but I also have to deal with the usual kind. Making signs and runes that would keep all ghosts but me away was a major pain.

    TIp: I decided to put it all inside the walls and under the floor so I wouldn't see wards on everywhere.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:05 No.15584019
    A river.
    >> Malflorr !qoI5RvmRWk 07/14/11(Thu)22:06 No.15584036
    A river.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:07 No.15584051
    Isn't it pretty much a standard for you guys to either have that clause in the contract or ask a very hard riddle if you are divining something important? That's what I've heard, and I guess it'd make sense.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:09 No.15584069
    Oh god, I just realised what ecto-plasm is. I wondered why it was in all the toliet stalls.

    Oh god...
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:11 No.15584093
    That's a myth, you obviously don't have Sight.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:11 No.15584096

    Correct, mortals! This one was easy. If you wish an audience, however, prepare for a harder one.


    Over the internet you're fearless, but were you facing me in my chambers, things would be different.


    Most of my colleagues do both. I prefer to give my clients a sporting chance, though.
    >> Malflorr !qoI5RvmRWk 07/14/11(Thu)22:12 No.15584101
    I have riddle for you, catwoman.

    Who needs more rope?
    >> DEGAUS 07/14/11(Thu)22:13 No.15584113











    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:14 No.15584115
    not the sphinx, but I find this riddle hilarious
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:14 No.15584120
    Inherited a large house with a good piece of land via distant relative. Only catch is this is contested ownership. My great great great great great ... great great grandfather is still in residence far underneath it. Entombed Lich.

    Not so bad, EXCEPT he was able to retain the local affiliates for Morcombe, Slant and Honeyplace. Yeah, the undead lawyers. Now I, as the hier to the estate hade a wrongful confinement, and appropriation of property lawsuit coming down on me.

    Why the hell have any responsible governments recognised the cadavers as citizens? And can anyone get me the contact information for some reputable liscened adventurers? With reliable references?
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:15 No.15584133
    Anyone at the end of theirs!
    >> Sir Roland 07/14/11(Thu)22:16 No.15584150

    It would be interesting to see you try and devour me.

    It would also be interesting to empty a clip into your vulnerable underbelly.

    Shall we see what happens first?
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:17 No.15584153
    Just un-tomb him then, I'm sure you can figure something out.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:18 No.15584162
    Untomb a lich? Are you kidding me or are you just plain insane?
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:18 No.15584163
    You bastard, liches are respectable members of the community! Just try and clear it up that you weren't responsible for his imprisonment with your ancestor. If by some chance you ARE responsible for him being buried under a million tons of rock for gods knows how long, you deserve every one of Slant's long boring speeches...
    >> Malflorr !qoI5RvmRWk 07/14/11(Thu)22:18 No.15584171
    Im a dwarf, you great cumreticle! Not a man, a dwarf!
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:20 No.15584186

    I know whose name you want me to utter, but instead I'll answer: The hanged man.

    You're a funny dwarf. I'd eat you last.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:20 No.15584188
    What? I thought you were a midget all this time.

    Oh god, how many other dwarves have I thought were midgets?!
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:20 No.15584189
    You do realise you're talking to a spectral lich right?
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:20 No.15584192
    Go back to your crypt. Liches are one step below major abyssal demons in thier habits, and it's a short one. Life is for the living.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:21 No.15584201
    Or if you want. You can make some inevitables aware of his presence. They'll make him properly dead afterwards but be prepared for collateral damage. They consider the upholding of natural laws to supercede property laws.
    >> Malflorr !qoI5RvmRWk 07/14/11(Thu)22:23 No.15584217
    Tis an honor to hear so.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:24 No.15584232
    I dunno, the manor house is pretty old, what kind of collateral are we talking here?
    I'd rather not. Something about an oath to enslave his decendants and keep it from happening again came up in my research.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:25 No.15584238
    Screw you and the hoss you rode in on. Let's see you bitch about immortality when you're dying a few decades from now! Liches are contributing members of society! My sister is a lich.
    >> Malflorr !qoI5RvmRWk 07/14/11(Thu)22:25 No.15584241
    Just wait until you learn about gnomes, halflings, and kender. Good luck keeping the last two straight.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:27 No.15584254
    Hello, i got to ask.
    I'm a Dragon, red actually, and I cant escape these group of adventurers. Two elves, and a handful of humans.
    The... They scare me, i think they've been hounding my family for a while too, because, some of the sick bastards are wearing dragon scale armor. Fire Resistant. I havent been able to reach my father either.

    I've tried a number of things to try and get them off my back, i've hired renowned mercenaries, bribed whole tribes of orcs or ogres, outsourced to kobold security firms to safeguard my lairs (but i have to keep moving!), i've shape shifted and lived among the population of Several different cities, but they keep hounding me! I cant sleep anymore!
    The only reason i'm able to keep running is i've invested my hoard Very Well in the stocks. (invested in actual stocks, the crime rates gone up)
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:29 No.15584274
    Those fucking Inevitables.... I have the head of one of the black fuckers over my fireplace. I guess the collection will grow with my immortality.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:30 No.15584290
    Don't delay. You MUST alert law enforcement. Preferably a Zelekhut Inevitable. Those adventurers will back right off when the mechanization of justice stomps around the corner and start kicking their ass.
    >> Malflorr !qoI5RvmRWk 07/14/11(Thu)22:30 No.15584293
    So thats where those scales cam- Nope! No idea how to help! Sorry, gotta go!
    >> Harkness 07/14/11(Thu)22:30 No.15584305
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    Sup, Ausfag here ( My the Rainbow Serpent Protect Us). I got deployed recently in that Succubus incursion in America as part of an international team, but now I haven't got much left to really apply my Shifting to.

    Should I pledge for a Paladin order, just so I can see some action?

    Wat Do?
    >> Sir Roland 07/14/11(Thu)22:32 No.15584319

    Try mercenary work. Trust me, you need the lack of restrictions in order to find the more effective solutions to problems.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:32 No.15584323
    You should probably destroy it. Most inevitables are banished upon defeat. That head might just be still active and monitoring your activities in preparation for a raid.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:35 No.15584351
    If you want to see action just apply for SWAT work in LA. That place sees more shit getting real than some 3rd world countries. Plus with a military background they'll sign you right up.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:35 No.15584352
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    Sadly no, see immortality is everlasting *life*. Lichdom is negative energy powered corpsedom. Lich = galvanised cadaver. Turnings too good for them. Burn them all and grind the phylacteries up for spell research.
    >> Harkness 07/14/11(Thu)22:36 No.15584366
    Yeah, I hear they got alot of problems with rouge Horrors in their sewers. Nasty things - we don't get any demons in Aus, but those things are a universal pain in the ass (literally)
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:37 No.15584371
    Naw, had it checked by the artificer I mentioned before.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:38 No.15584377

    goddammit this is serious
    >> Malflorr !qoI5RvmRWk 07/14/11(Thu)22:38 No.15584387
    Well at least that golem has left.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:40 No.15584400
    You know what keeps extraterrestrial vermin away? Black Oozes, I should really start investing in a Ooze based vermin extermination company.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:41 No.15584417
    Fucking adventurers. I know that they can help get rid of some truly fucked up beings, but most of them are nutjobs themselves.

    I live in a pretty rough town, good deal of orcs (both half- and full), gnolls, hobgoblins, kobolds, even some orges living around the place. Sure the area has a higher rate of violence then other places, but everyone here are still good people who just want to watch out for their family and friends.

    Anyway some group of adventurers come into town looking for some old orc who apparently raised some hell back in his day. The guy turned over a new leaf and has given a good portion of his money back to the community. These vigilantes? They didn't care. They tore up several blocks in a big fight when some of the neighbors didn't like how they were treating their victim. Bunch of people ended up pretty badly injured or dead and there's a good amount of property damaged or stolen. And those blood-thirsty fuckers got off fine.

    I mean sure, if you're one of the lucky races like humans, elves, or dwarves they're just heroes who occasionally go too far. But if you're like me and you who are part of the "savage" races, they'll tear through your community without batting an eye.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:41 No.15584419
    Wait, what? When did we get off track here? I drop by 4 hours ago and throw in my HFY, and now I come back and it's all liches and dragons and flaming gay unicorns and shit. Where my human bros at?
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:42 No.15584421
    No kidding, the SRA are some mean hombres. They've been known to lobomize rogue mages to stop them practicing magic. They also demand registry from all beings that are anything but a flatline human. Makes me glad I live in Canada where we had that extension of citizen status granted. Fuckers give me the chills less than the wendigoes that come through from time to time.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:43 No.15584433
    Or at least humanoid and living, if it really comes down to it. I'd rather listen to elves and dwarves bitch than all you scaly creepy-crawlies.
    >> Malflorr !qoI5RvmRWk 07/14/11(Thu)22:45 No.15584447
    My new axe needed testing.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:47 No.15584460
    Dude, I'm a young spectral lich, I still use my own young body. And beside some celestial heritage I'm human.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:48 No.15584470
    Hey I'm both, even made with all natural ingredients. Don't ask me why I don't count.
    >> Nick Nightshade !004I36Tidw 07/14/11(Thu)22:49 No.15584481

    What level are your pesky adventurers, and where will you be swinging by next? I can maybe arrange something to take care of your little problem for a fee...
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:50 No.15584494
    Dude, you were just talking about walking through walls and stuff. I read Sight Guy's post, y'know. You probably go invis and watch people crap just for lulz.

    I mean, it's nice that you still got your old body, better than killing some bloke and using his instead, but putting on a man-suit don't make you a man.
    >> Malflorr !qoI5RvmRWk 07/14/11(Thu)22:51 No.15584501
    Laddy, you missed the boistorous dwarf who has done nothing but talk since this thread started.
    >> Harkness 07/14/11(Thu)22:52 No.15584505
    You need help with that, gimme a call. I'll put a bullet in em and make it look discreet.
    >> Where my human bros? 07/14/11(Thu)22:52 No.15584507
    Oh, you the flesh golem? I've seen your type. Reason is you fucks look like fucking Frankenstein.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:53 No.15584514
    ugh more cadavers. the worst? Those damn "Dead Pride" days.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:54 No.15584520
    I'm not into scat, my fetish is pixes. And for your information; since I've had this body for all while I feel all it feels, I'm not less than a man, I'm the opposite.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:54 No.15584525

    >>15582512 here
    Just saying, I'm a little curious about my heritage, but Humanity is pretty awesome. I posted for a bit of advice, but I don't actually know anything I'd rather be than human.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:56 No.15584539
    Am, not looks like. Being part of the original modern monster mythology isn't all it's cracked up to be. No royalties from the movies, no action figure percentages. Got over the speech impediment too. Fire still remains bad, however.
    >> Where my human bros? 07/14/11(Thu)22:56 No.15584545
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    Huh, pixies. Like, this kind of thing? I dunno, man, I hear that pixie dust fucks you up.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:57 No.15584554
    Not at all vitalist.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)22:59 No.15584574
    True, large doses and it's basically LSD.

    Also... that pic is extremely disturbing.
    >> Where my human bros? 07/14/11(Thu)23:00 No.15584576
    Oh, right. Changeling guy. That's gotta be one hell of a mindfuck. Kinda makes me wonder what happens to the kids they swap you folks with. Ain't there support groups or something? Like they have for army brats?
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)23:00 No.15584577
    I tried that some twenty years back, and guess what i found out. They sell LICENSES to get my family just because my touched in the head relative went down to florida for a while that resulting from some bard and a charm spell (Legal rape if you ask me) giving a mostly retarded half dragon left to be raised by the state, because the dead beat father left to 'quest' and my relative was in no condition to deal with a child. The kid went down a wrong path, got himself black robes, messed up a whole bunch of hellfire. He is, well, Was, my blood until that party took him down. They went to the courts, and got a what amounts to a black out clause on my entire bloodline 'too dangerous to go on living'

    I just cant believe it. But bottom line is, the government wont help me, I can only help myself.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)23:02 No.15584591

    God, you human pride fascists are the worst. What's to be so prideful about? You die at 80, your balls hang out like a sick old dog and you have no semblance of night vision.

    I mean, I like gnomes better than assholes you, and our two races have been trying to eradicate each other for centuries.
    >> Malflorr !qoI5RvmRWk 07/14/11(Thu)23:04 No.15584607
    °hic° I love all've yah. 〒※〒
    >> Harkness 07/14/11(Thu)23:06 No.15584619
    Okay, another question for you lot.

    Were any of you at the Succubus incursion? Were did you serve?
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)23:06 No.15584624
    You aswell are a fine purveyor of dwarven quality, whatever your questionable marketing ploys
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)23:07 No.15584625
    Don't like it? Go toward the light.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)23:07 No.15584626
    Scandinavia will always welcome you with open arms, with the government letting basically any creature in these days we're crawling with all from Djinns to Onis to Frost Giants. All the "monster laws" also gives you huge protection from adventurers and like, It's a big party and everyone is invited!
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)23:09 No.15584644
    Yeah! I got a bit late to the party but I managed to fool around together with some Frost Ghasts.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)23:09 No.15584650
    Look, I'll hire you both! I was headed out to my uncle's old lair up in the rockys, they saw to it that he wouldnt need it any more. They're much hirer than me because they've been taking out men and woman like my grandfather The Ageless Red, and my great great great grandmother Heiress Delu, and she had an entire island nation to protect her! It was all in the papers remember?! Thank the high dragons that we've all taken to not having solid assets anymore, sure a big pile of gold for show, but our real cash is in the banks where its safe.

    The only thing keeping me safe is a growing bank account from wills, and my wits.
    That's the alarm, the barbarian tripped it again, I have to go.
    >> Where my human bros? 07/14/11(Thu)23:10 No.15584660
    Hey, just cause I got pride don't make me no fascist. Did I say 'kill em all and let the pantheon pick through the pieces?' Did I say anything about the fucking children of Zerus?

    Just cause I wanna have some chill time with my human bros don't mean I wanna have that dragon bro ground up for reagents.
    >> Malflorr !qoI5RvmRWk 07/14/11(Thu)23:11 No.15584663
    Party, I'll bring the beer. °belch° Oh, I felt that one in my gut. *Stumbles away*
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)23:11 No.15584668
    I hope he takes care.
    >> Harkness 07/14/11(Thu)23:11 No.15584669
    Just gimme co-ordinates, as much information on the targets and 15,000 for expenses and I'm there.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)23:13 No.15584696
    My good man, do you know if that picture is part of a set? I would very much like to see what happens next...
    >> Nick Nightshade !004I36Tidw 07/14/11(Thu)23:14 No.15584704

    I know of a few people who specialize in wetwork I'll hook you up with. Adventurers usually expect not to be ambushed when they are strung out and in safe places, especially not by the guys I know.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)23:15 No.15584727

    Hey, I don't go around saying "kobolds only up in this" or "warmbloods stay out", but if I did they'd grab me up faster than if I'd signed up for the goblin liberation front. Racial equality my scaly ass.
    >> (OOC) Where my human bros? 07/14/11(Thu)23:16 No.15584728
    Saved it from some thread years ago, sorry. It keeps popping up now and again but I've never seen any more of it.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)23:18 No.15584751
    Was it your group involved in the removal in Chicago about a year or so ago? That was very neatly done.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)23:23 No.15584792
    Ah, well it never hurts to ask, I suppose.

    By the by, if you happen to meet an ice nymph in a bar, don't get any ideas. My dick is still cold from last week.
    >> Nick Nightshade !004I36Tidw 07/14/11(Thu)23:23 No.15584794

    No, that was someone country's spec ops, or so I hear. Apparently the guy embezzled money from an African Dictatorship, and long story short his entire operation vanished overnight out from under his security.

    That said, these aren't the guys, at least I don't think so. Thing is, resurrection won't work on your adventurers after these guys are done with them, and odds are practically nil that they'll ever manage that. Thing is they charge out a whole bunch of money, probably at least a substantial part of your horde, and you might not even be able to pay for all of these guys in one pop. That said, you'd better make sure you can pay everything beforehand.
    >> Loim Ironfoundersson !TOQkE1cRVk 07/14/11(Thu)23:26 No.15584818
    Hey everybody. I'm a Dwarf, and my parents are really traditional Dwarves. Both have long beards, they won't wear any cloth besides leather, always wear an axe, the works. But I'm dating a human, I have been for two years, and I don't know what to tell them. How do I tell my ridiculously traditional parents that I've been going out with a human? Because she and I are thinking about getting married. And my parents will figure it out eventually. I just want to be the one to tell them. But they will probably disown me if I don't break it to them lightly somehow.

    inb4 any interspecies relationship haters telling me I'm a "race traitor" or that it's "like bestiality".
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)23:26 No.15584819

    Look look, If you take care of this, I won the roll from the will of the Heiress, if these guys dead, mutilated, disgraced and foiled in such a way that when people hear of their demise they vomit before the story even begins! With Souls trapped and thrown to a place they can never ever return!

    Then, you will each get half of a mostly destroyed island nation, a kings ransom for each head, and the summoning ritual of a very VERY flexible succubus.
    >> Nick Nightshade !004I36Tidw 07/14/11(Thu)23:29 No.15584842

    Yeah, that may be a bit much. It's going to be obvious you sent assassins after these guys, but no body no crime. Might just want to be satisfied with keeping your hide intact.
    >> Harkness 07/14/11(Thu)23:30 No.15584857
    'spose you and me are working together on this one, 'ey Nightshade?
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)23:30 No.15584866
    Dress her in full dwarven plate
    I also know a beard guy, he can set you up nice.
    >> Where my human bros? 07/14/11(Thu)23:33 No.15584890
    Ever notice that when someone says half-elf, half-dwarf, half-orc, or any other half, the unstated half is almost always human? I figure we gotta be doing something right if everyone wants their kids to be part us. So figure out what that special something is, and then tell your parents. It'll probably knock their socks off.
    >> Nick Nightshade !004I36Tidw 07/14/11(Thu)23:34 No.15584895

    Eh, it's more I'll be setting you up with some real elite operators. I don't really want to get my hands in this directly.
    >> Malflorr !qoI5RvmRWk 07/14/11(Thu)23:35 No.15584906
    I wouldn't worry about it. Our seed is so potent that if an interspecies orgy was happening and a dwarf was asleap in the next room, everyone would give birth to a dwarf. So, seeing that tell them, and produce dwarf children which defy logic.
    >> Where my human bros? 07/14/11(Thu)23:36 No.15584917
    Actually, it may be evident from what I've said upthread, but I know fuck all about orthodox dwarves. This sounds hilarious. Do it.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)23:36 No.15584918
    You're tax deductible as extended assets of the late Heiress nobility (See my half-cousin Nestor at 5:04 in the video on youtube. He went down bravely.).
    I'm not strong or skilled with magics, but i know my paperwork

    Everything is clean, for you to dirty your hands.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)23:37 No.15584937
    You seem to be a fairly intelligible human, tell me, do you humans really grow hair in places other than your head? I haven't seen many humans around here, and the ones I have seen have been.... fully clothed.
    >> Nick Nightshade !004I36Tidw 07/14/11(Thu)23:38 No.15584947

    If we base everything out of a country with tough extradition laws and a few fronts that we know won't crack, I'll send direct support. We can always run support for the op through the Goblinoid Empire.
    >> Half Hydra here 07/14/11(Thu)23:40 No.15584958
    Actually its because we just don't mention human halves. I met a half elf half orc. They never called themselves just a half-elf or just a half-orc.

    So actually thats more like an insult.
    >> Where my human bros? 07/14/11(Thu)23:42 No.15584976
    Depends on the person and the culture, really. The only places aside from the head where you'd see really thick hair are generally kept covered and sometimes shaved. If there's hair so thick you can't see skin on the arms or legs, you're probably not looking at a human.

    Some exceptions. It's a big gene pool.
    >> Harkness 07/14/11(Thu)23:42 No.15584981
    Yeah, that wouldn't be too bad: I had a Goblin in my team during the Succubus Incursion. Tough little bugger
    >> Malflorr !qoI5RvmRWk 07/14/11(Thu)23:43 No.15584989
    I like to go swimming with little bearded women! Heheheheha!
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)23:45 No.15585007
    Just do whatever you need to do and do it fast. My family are dropping like giant flies or ending up as omelets.
    I've been taking care of my niece, and being at my uncle's old place is making her ask were her dad and 'gampa' is. She's half Dwarf, she doesnt deserve any of this!
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)23:45 No.15585010
    Well there are support groups for the stolen kids that they manage to recover, but I never found any geared towards the replacement. It kinda sucks, but c'est la vie.
    >> Where my human bros? 07/14/11(Thu)23:46 No.15585017
    At least we all know exactly how many pen0r we have, head guy.
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)23:47 No.15585034
    HA! I knew it!
    Now that know-it-all draconian owes me a new pair of shoes.
    >> Half Hydra here 07/14/11(Thu)23:49 No.15585053
    So do I : \
    >> Nick Nightshade !004I36Tidw 07/14/11(Thu)23:55 No.15585103

    You're going to owe through the nose, and everybody I hire costs you commission, but okay.

    Also, anyone ever notice the way Dragons never quite end up running the show in spite of all their advantages?
    >> Anonymous 07/14/11(Thu)23:56 No.15585107


    That right there is why I don't feel bad about hitting you assholes in the balls.

    Because you feel the need to talk about sexual organs so often it makes me wonder if you're afraid they'll freeze off in a stiff breeze.
    >> Harkness 07/14/11(Thu)23:59 No.15585132
    They're paying me, so I don't give a damn to be honest.
    >> Where my human bros? 07/14/11(Thu)23:59 No.15585134
    Cause everyone hates them, maybe? I mean, they do have a nice long history of eating people, jacking livestock, carrying off whatever they feel like, and enslaving other races just to show off their big scaly dongs.

    Not that I'm suggesting that the dragon bro in this thread has personally done that stuff, but I'd think it'd take a hell of a lot of antagonism before other races start getting you-slaying professions with centuries of tradition behind them.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)00:00 No.15585136
    Look here sir, I told you i could not fight these men on equal grounds, but many of my family had tried.
    It's why my niece no long has a father, or a grandfather, or great uncle. I'm willing to pay through both flaming nostrols, i'm offering up a while nation for you to do as you please so long as these psychopaths are good and dead.
    >> Nick Nightshade !004I36Tidw 07/15/11(Fri)00:09 No.15585216

    Ah, but that's the thing: your money and connections should net you more importance, but for some reason it just doesn't. It's a curious thing, what with how elves are these days.


    See though, compare them with elves or maybe even Drow, and it seems like the more mortal races are doing better off compared to the wyrms. Maybe it is that everyone hates them, or maybe it's some kind of psychological barrier they have that leads to destructive and inefficient behavior.
    >> Where my human bros? 07/15/11(Fri)00:15 No.15585249
    Interesting theory. Might be something to it. Of course, to hear that there koboldfag tell it, it's because we're all obsessed with dongs, but if that's the case then how are we getting more done with just dongs than these nigh immortal races with their darkvision and wierd super powers?

    Although in the case of elves, they seem to be obsessed with pretending that their shit smells like perfume and glitters under sunlight. Dongs beat that bullcrap any day.
    >> Nick Nightshade !004I36Tidw 07/15/11(Fri)00:21 No.15585289

    See, aptitude at something is determined by a combination of natural talent and skill. Natural talent varies from individual to individual, but as a race elves aren't anywhere too distinct from other humanoids. Skill, however, is the providence of experience. The question is why aren't elves vastly better than everyone at everything?

    Psychology indicates that there are learning curbs to all skills, and as one improves more and more one's potential slacks off. I suspect that elves have some sort of built in block, a limiter in the way their cognition works that prevents them from surpassing certain levels.

    I suspect that Dragons have even harsher limiting behaviors. Now I'm just waxing philosophical though.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)00:46 No.15585469
    I dunno, I can't name any other metaspecies other than human that made it into being elected President off the top of my head.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)00:49 No.15585493
    So my family is made up primarily of wizards. It's in the blood--and when I say that, I'm not speaking figuratively. Every time one of us is born, it's pretty much a given he or she's going to be a wizard. They start us with the basic spells early, and by the time we're twenty or so--

    Look, I've only got my experiences to look back on, so maybe this is a lousy explanation, but I'll do my best. Each of us has some sort of element or theme or something we're good at, and when I say "good", I don't mean just "decent". I'm talking prodigious here (though of course the fact that the whole family's made up of potential teachers helps, too). It's treated as a coming-of-age thing in our family: Maybe you're stoking the fireplace and then all of a sudden something clicks inside you, and you find out you've got a special affinity for fire. Or maybe you're taking a swim in the pool and you suddenly realize it's tremendously easy to make the water flow as you wish. Something like that. Every time one of us finds whatever it is he or she specializes in, it's treated as this big thing. There's a celebration. We like celebrations.

    I'm sort of the black sheep of the family. My father does lightning. In his youth, he could zap a single guy in a crowd from forty feet away, or so they tell me. My mother (who's got some great-great-great-grandparent in common or something) does plants. She grows a mean garden--if she's angry at you, you keep off the grass. My little sister does metal, which kind of left us all confused until she got an apprenticeship with that bladesmith. She's already making her own daggers. Even my weird cousin found his own niche in paper (he's always been a little weird, but he's also a bookworm, so I guess it fits).
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)00:51 No.15585503
    ... Kennedy was half-elf.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)00:51 No.15585504
    Me? I'm the black sheep of the family. I'm nearly thirty. When I was a teenager all my uncles and aunts would pat me on the back and say stuff like "you'll find your own thing soon; don't fret". By the time I turned twenty and still hadn't stumbled onto anything, they'd stopped waiting for me to leave the room before starting the worried muttering. By the time I was twenty-five, I'd pretty much been written off as the family embarrassment. The worst part was the condescending speeches: "Oh, it's okay; being a wizard is no big deal". "Really, you're lucky not having access to this almost limitless power". "Look at it this way: you don't have to worry about continuing the bloodline, so you can marry whoever you want". Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's really tiring--

    But that's not the important part. The important part is this.

    Yesterday after work, I was feeling a bit lazy, so I decided to pick up something to eat at home. I'd heard of this pizzeria that'd supposedly been around for ages, so I decided to give it a shot. When I got in there it was like I'd stepped into a time machine. Don't get me wrong--they used electric ovens and everything, but there was something about the atmosphere that make the place seem old. Real old. But not in a bad way. More like a cozy way, if that makes any sense.

    Anyway, I ordered my pizza, and decided to check out the arcade in the back while I waited. Now, I say "arcade", but it was really just three machines set up in a corner. No light guns, no rhythm games--this was stuff from the eighties: a maze game, a shooter, and a pinball machine, all with dust an inch thick. I didn't feel like staring at a screen, so I decided that pinball would be my time-killer. Well, I was right about that, at least.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)00:52 No.15585512
    I don't know how to describe it. It was like I was in a trance, but not. The ball went wherever I wanted it to go. Things kept lighting up. Numbers kept turning over. By the time I finally did lose my last ball, my pizza was stone-cold and the guy in charge of the place was looking cross. I grabbed my food and hightailed it out of there, but I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep.

    I'm a freaking pinball wizard.

    What the hell am I supposed to do about that?
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)00:53 No.15585518

    That was a bullshit rumor started after his assassination
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)00:54 No.15585520
    There's a song about you, bro.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)00:54 No.15585521
    Are you sure you don't have control of the element the pinball was made of?
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)00:58 No.15585553
    1. Find competitive pinball league
    2. Win.
    3. Profit. And bitches. Bitches loooove that pinball.

    Actually, you probably have kind of an element-specific talent. But it's focused on pinball for some reason. Try animating pinball machines, or summoning small silver spheres, i guess? Stuff like that isn't that uncommon. I knew this guy in high school who had a shitload of magic power. But he could only use it on potato chips. He was really popular at parties. And at lunch. I think he started his own company a few years ago? Anyway, don't sweat it.
    >> Half-Elf Kennedy !Sw8RW4XJ8A 07/15/11(Fri)01:02 No.15585587
    Man, they have genetic PROOF. His "dad" knew about it, too! He had cosmetic surgery to hide the ears, and he was assassinated because he was going to tell everyone! And the Elf Families couldn't let anyone know! They had him killed! Oswald wasn't the real killer! It was an ELF! There's eyewitness evidence!
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)01:03 No.15585594
    Hey /tg/, last time I saw a thread similar to this, I was asking about centaur girls and what it means if one lets you ride her. There's nothing official between us, at least not yet, and I'm still a bit clueless about centaurs. So, new question now.

    Yesterday she asked me to brush her. At first I thought she meant her hair, so I asked if she also meant her coat. She did. I did it, and I don't think I did very well, but she didn't seem to have a problem with it.

    How the heck am I supposed to interpret this? How much of a step up is brushing her?
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)01:04 No.15585606
    Okay, human bro signing out. You just won the fucking thread.
    >> Half-Elf Kennedy !Sw8RW4XJ8A 07/15/11(Fri)01:05 No.15585619
    Man, you're getting sucked in by the wiles of the centaurs! The let you ride them, then brush them, and next thing you know you're in the middle of a forest with their tribal sorcerors ripping out their heart and offering it to the horse-spiritsthat let them have those bodies! Centaurs were originally human, man. They've been covering it up so that nobody tries t gain their power.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)01:08 No.15585639
    Forest? Heck man, ain't any forests around here. Not for miles and miles and miles. Way too inconvenient for that.

    Don't tell me you actually believe that nonsense?
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)01:36 No.15585841
    Yeah yeah and Nixon resigned before Innsmouth Syndrome got too bad. Take off the mithril foil hat.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)02:12 No.15586137
    So, I'm asking only because I really need advice. I haven't a clue what to do. Specifically, regarding my sister.

    She's half-elven- My little sister, barely a sixth my age. We watch out for each other, as siblings are wont to do. However, she recently- Well, she's dating this guy who has her convinced he's a dragon. She thinks this is the coolest thing ever, and makes him that much sexier. Go figure.

    Meanwhile, I'm on the outside, and I've heard all these horror-stories about those scaly freaks. Is he going to string her on for a few decades, then dump her when he gets bored? Become super-possessive? Kill her in a fit of jealousy and spite? knock her up and run? Seriously. I haven't any idea what to do, and he's the type that's happy to throw around the price of a small office building on an evenings entertainment- Hasn't occurred to her yet, but to me, it seems like she's being his glorified whore.

    >inb4 "Oh look, an elf having to deal with someone higher and mightier than him."
    I get it, I get it already. I'm sorry. I'm trying not to act like an ass, but I'm seriously worried here.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)02:28 No.15586253
    Go get a posse and lynch his crap. World's better off without him.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)02:59 No.15586538
    We're talking about the same thing here, right? Dragon? Big scaly thing? Wings? Incinerate/freeze/melt/blast things with it's breath? Skin like armor plating? Enough money to make a city's worth of people drop off the face of the earth, permanently?
    >> Immortal Wizard 07/15/11(Fri)03:05 No.15586602
    My good sir, have you ever heard about a very nasty side effect of some of the earlier teleportation spells. Many years ago, when my kind were first working out the kinks, apprentices would constantly kill themselves by teleporting into walls. We eventually made it so that the magic was foolproof. Even if you try to teleport into a wall, the spell won't let you.

    I just happen to have an original copy of the spell due to my age. I'll put it on a scroll and you can use it to telefrag them. My prefered method of removing them is to teleport them into solid rock. It disposes of their body and kills them.

    Just give me a way to send it to you, and you'll never have a problem again.

    If that's too dangerous, take a small glass sphere, about the size of a marble and go to the giant Buffalo statue in North Dakota, USA and walk between the front legs. That'll gate you to my demi-plane where you'll be safe.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)04:02 No.15587004
    Evening, gents.

    I'm wondering-how illegal is it to Fabricate a gun you can't import? There's a few different beauties I'd love to own, but can't get my hands on.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)04:37 No.15587236
    Ignore him, he's a troll.

    You seem, to understand why and elf in a relationship with a human gets a little weird. Try pitching it like that, maybe?
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)06:18 No.15587848
    My names Ted, Im human and I work in a mail room, a small one, with three other guys. What im getting at here is one of those guys is my supervisor, and hes a gnoll and he refuses to wear pants. At first I thought he was the coolest sup. ever until I realized his jock smelled like sweaty wet dog, I can smell it down the hall for fucks sake, and our tiny workspace has almost no ventilation, and the last guy to say anything about it got his head chewwed off....literally. I need this job and I cant quit, what the hell should I do?
    >> Immortal Wizard 07/15/11(Fri)06:28 No.15587908
    Go to any spellcasters you know, see if they can enchant a pair of glasses, or a neckless with a "curse of lose sense of smell." It may be expensive, but it'll make your life alot easier.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)06:30 No.15587917
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    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)06:50 No.15588041
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    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)09:27 No.15588868

    To be fair, it could be a number of things rather than specifically pinball related. Kinetic or probability manipulation spring to mind, and both are around us in subtle ways all the time that it's difficult for people who have an affinity for them to notice it. I must admit, pinball is a surprisingly good way to pick out something like kinetic manipulation, simply because you're focusing on a small object that's moving in short, erratic bursts that you're actively trying to control. Tell me, when you say the ball went wherever you wanted it to, did it suddenly move in a different direction unprovoked or was it more like a subtle curve? Were there any RNG based mechanics in the machine that could have been influenced by probability manipulation?
    >> Fire Giant 07/15/11(Fri)10:23 No.15589275
    Hey fellas, I've hit a bit of a problem. You see, I signed up on that new dating site that came out, and well the only hits I've had are from this pixie girl. Being a fire Giant I have no fucking clue how this could work. I already went on a few dates with her, she was nice but it seems like a waste of time, I'm always scared I'm going to crush her, literally.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)12:26 No.15590093
    I am an elf. I don't think she'd listen to that.

    Anyway, I mean, I know it's her choice, and it might even be good- he's wealthy enough she probably wouldn't want for anything, and he could certainly take good care of her. Could. I'm still worried he's going to start insisting that she's his possession or part of his hoard or something.

    I'm not even sure what I could do if it starts to get significantly worse. He's a dragon- He could take his pick of killing me himself, paying someone to, or hell, offering my sister a house in the Bahamas to get her away from me.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)12:48 No.15590315
    (you guys are all geniuses, i spent half an hour reading everything, laughing my jaw off, and clapping.
    Cheers /tg/!)
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)12:58 No.15590437
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    the rumors about this Alma chick are scary. If they are true...
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)13:12 No.15590565
    Broseph, she could be into any number of freaky things.

    Planing, sounding, urethral fisting; hell, she could be into soft vore.

    ...Or she could just want a friend. Dunno.

    Just ask her if/when you feel it's appropriate, and remember that Polymorph Other and Polymorph Self wands exist for a reason.
    >> Malflorr !qoI5RvmRWk 07/15/11(Fri)14:02 No.15591067
    So how about them Sihuagen? Had one turn up in my pool yesterday.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)14:07 No.15591128
    Buggers don't know the difference between a swamp and purified water.

    Which, in all fairness, is pretty reasonable, since it certainly isn't purified after they use it.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)14:18 No.15591239
    So I read through the threads, and I gotta say I'm disturbed something.

    What is all this backlash against people telling it like it is with the undead? Let me tell you - I serve with the JTCS (joint thaumaturgical control service) on the RCMP side here in Canada.

    For any "good" example of an undead you can give me, I can remember an even dozen of bad ones, and nothing goes bad like a corpse does. That's why I picked them when I finished my ranger Apprenticeship, and that's why I help track them down now.

    I have nothing against any species, worked with a lot of them during my time with the corpsewatch. From the illithid medical examiner to Tukrhil, best damn tunnel buddy I ever had for a cryptcrawl and the toughest damn kobold I ever drank with. Here's to you man. So I;m no Child of Zarus. But seriously, don't fall for the "equal lives" crap, people. The undead are not to be trusted. If you need more straight info, contact PAUL, People Against Undead Liberties. They're a multispecies nonprofit dedicated to educating and preparing good, honest breathers against the cadaver menace.
    >> Malflorr !qoI5RvmRWk 07/15/11(Fri)14:22 No.15591270
    Tell me about it. Do you have any idea how hard it is to have an underground pool drained?
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)16:08 No.15592391
    There needs to be more troll extermination teams in NYC. I have a bunch of trolls in my backyard and everyone is too busy to get rid of them (someone start a new thread)
    >> More from Fantasy Earth Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)17:45 No.15593298
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    More of the opinions, questions, problems and solutions of a modern day fantasy earth.

    Prior thread
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)18:20 No.15593692
         File1310768429.jpg-(55 KB, 442x330, MOCK!.jpg)
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