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  • File : 1300374117.jpg-(93 KB, 900x720, 1288459572983.jpg)
    93 KB Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)11:01 No.14274590  
    Create your own Not-so-super Powers. Bonus points for comedy.

    -The incredible ability to always draw a pair of twos when dealt a hand from a complete deck of cards.
    -Astonishingly knowledgeable of the capital of every nation in the world and the local time as well as how to say "Where is the bathroom?" in every spoken language that has ever existed.
    -The amazing trait that you show up censored on any digital recording device regardless of editing.
    -You were born with the awesome power to unerringly know tomorrow's weather and have dedicated your life to informing the general public.
    -Legends speak of your unbelievable mastery of the harmonica. Remarkably, birds actually gather to hear you play, before desperately searching for stray coins to cast at you.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)11:44 No.14274829
    For unexplained reasons you are a very powerful magnetic monopole. Electronics don't work or go haywire around you at all times in a small radius. Needless to say, this makes life very difficult.
    >> Indonesian Gentleman 03/17/11(Thu)11:50 No.14274876
    Suddenly, you find out that you can talk to ghosts. But the problem is, they can't hear you.
    You suddenly gain the ability to see what kind of undergarments a female person is wearing if you stare long enough.
    One day you wake up to discover you have eight octopus tentacles instead of a genital. They are completely controllable.
    You have this astounding ability to accurately predict ballistic trajectories.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)11:51 No.14274882
    - Miraculously, your urine is bright blue, regardless of diet. Applying it to the skin is a very effective treatment for acne.

    - The ability to force someone to tell the truth, as long as your penis is inside of them.

    - The ability to turn small objects upside-down with your mind. Too bad it won't affect anything heavier than a cell phone.

    - Interestingly enough, when you drop toast, it lands butter-side up. Always.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)11:54 No.14274896
    Legends foretell of your ability to spread antibiotics that cure all known bacteriological diseases through your feces. By taking a series of strategically-placed shits in water supplies, you save the human race.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)11:57 No.14274908
    >The amazing trait that you show up censored on any digital recording device regardless of editing.
    Best spy EVA!

    >You were born with the awesome power to unerringly know tomorrow's weather and have dedicated your life to informing the general public.
    You also get tons of money and internets for it. Japan gives you the emperor's daughter(s) to do whatever you want if you stay there and predict tsunamis.

    >You have this astounding ability to accurately predict ballistic trajectories.
    An astounding army career awaits you.

    >Miraculously, your urine is bright blue, regardless of diet. Applying it to the skin is a very effective treatment for acne.
    Unlimited moneys. You jelly?

    >The ability to force someone to tell the truth, as long as your penis is inside of them.
    May be also a great spy. Have to work undercover, however (pun not intended)

    >The ability to turn small objects upside-down with your mind. Too bad it won't affect anything heavier than a cell phone.
    Amazing terrorist skills. Do it in any important (nuclear) facility with some small detail. Lols ensue.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)11:58 No.14274909
    I have the ability to shapeshift. Into myself. Facing a different direction.

    It's slightly slower than turning to face said direction.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)11:59 No.14274916
    You gain mass by dieting and lose mass by eating. You still have normal dietary requirements and the mass must be coming from somewhere but you can't figure it out for the life of you.

    Everyone tells you you have a different hair and eye color. It's always consistent to each person but no one sees exactly the same hair and eye color combination.

    You can tell the exact date someone is going to die just by looking at them. For some reason no one seems to understand that the date changes if you tell it to them and they keep asking you anyways.

    You have a remarkable ability to state the obvious. If someone is looking for something, it's always exactly where you suggest it might be.

    You have an average body temperature of 90 degrees centigrade. You don't feel any discomfort or anything out of the ordinary, but you do always feel quite parched.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)11:59 No.14274918
    Makes for a good wrestler. Remember that Terminatrix.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)12:01 No.14274926
    - Mental rotation (male)
    You can rotate physical objects around in your mind. This helps problem solving and ingenuity.
    - Danger detector (humans)
    Can detect dangerous patterns in human behaviour; tactical movements and weather they mean you harm.
    - Danger detector (situations)
    Constantly scan surroundings for changes; tactical movements, traps, hazards and future possibilities of the former.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)12:01 No.14274931
    >Legends speak of your unbelievable mastery of the harmonica. Remarkably, birds actually gather to hear you play, before desperately searching for stray coins to cast at you.

    That would be the greatest shit ever.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)12:05 No.14274948
    >and the mass must be coming from somewhere but you can't figure it out for the life of you.

    It is stolen from the rest of the human race. I doubt anyone's going to notice if they're missing half a gram that morning.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)12:06 No.14274952
    The ability to empty someone else's mind, disrupting whatever they're doing or thinking at the moment.
    The ability to always know correct honorific with which to address people.

    >Amazing terrorist skills. Do it in any important (nuclear) facility with some small detail. Lols ensue.
    Eh, not really. All modern nuclear facilities have enough safety features that the worst you could do is cause disruption in power.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)12:07 No.14274954
    Your sweat and urine always smells pleasantly of mint. You hate mint.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)12:08 No.14274964
    even if I didn't hate mint, I would start to hate it after a month of constantly smelling it.

    that ain't a power, it's a curse
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)12:09 No.14274972
    If you tell a story lasting more than two minutes and sixteen seconds everyone that listened to it falls asleep.

    You can banish objects to another dimension, never to return to this reality. This power only affects car keys, TV remotes, and pocket change.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)12:10 No.14274973
    you are able to accurately predict the exact time down to seconds that someone will enter whatever room you are currently in, but only if you've met the person face to face at some point in the past.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)12:11 No.14274978
    >pocket change.

    I would fucking love this. God I hate pocket change, it's the single reason I never, ever carry cash on me.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)12:14 No.14274998
    - Whenever you flip a coin, it always lands heads.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)12:15 No.14275010
    You can juggle any number of babies without ever dropping them, even never having learned to juggle. Most people frown upon this practice, however.

    You always know the name of every person you talk to as well as exactly what they were doing twelve hours ago

    All electronic devices, instruments, and machines obey your spoken command as best they are able even if they have no voice recognition software. If you give the appliance a name it will no longer function for anyone unless they greet it by name.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)12:18 No.14275028
    -Astonishingly knowledgeable of the capital of every nation in the world and the local time as well as how to say "Where is the bathroom?" in every spoken language that has ever existed.

    I have gone out of my way to make sure I have a limited version of the second half of this power.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)12:18 No.14275029
    - When someone has a song stuck in their head, you have the uncanny ability to know what it is and sing it, even if you've never heard it before.

    - If you concentrate hard enough, you can use your mind to arrange mashed potatoes into the shape of a penis. No other foodstuff or shapes. Just a little veiny potatodick.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)12:21 No.14275046
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    >You have this astounding ability to accurately predict ballistic trajectories.

    Pic fucking related.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)12:23 No.14275058
    Flavored sweat.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)12:24 No.14275061
    >You have this astounding ability to accurately predict ballistic trajectories.

    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)12:26 No.14275081
    This thread is hilarious. And pointless super powers are fun.

    -You can increase fuel efficiency of any vehicle you drive by 20% by singing along with the radio.

    -If you wink at someone and they see it they feel a mental compulsion to wink back. If ask someone a yes or no question they will always initially say yes without thinking about it.

    -You can mimic the voice of any person perfectly, but always with a horrible speech impediment.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)12:27 No.14275085
    Herp derp here we go

    -You can always answer captchas accurately, regardless of the language or symbols used
    -You can duplicate tiny items, like individual tic-tacs or buttons
    -You can make your hair razor-sharp, but only on your face
    -You can violently eject your stomach from your mouth, with the force of a punch from Muhammad Ali, and reel it back in. Some nausea may result
    -The more incredible or ridiculous your act, the more it is ignored, and vice versa. Hundreds of thousands of people would pay exorbitant prices to watch you make toast or take a piss
    -You are quantum-locked! Whenever you are being observed by another person, you turn into delicious bacon
    -You have the ability to inflict infertility and cause spontaneous miscarriages to anyone within line-of-sight
    -You are invulnerable to attacks by Asian people
    -You can safely swallow and ingest any object that fits completely in your mouth
    -You cannot be banned from 4chan for more than 24 hours
    -Your strategy and tactics are unbeatable, but only in computer games
    -You become noticeably stronger and more damage-resistant when you are depressed
    -You can receive any commercial radio broadcast from anywhere in the world, and listen to it in your head
    -You can command up to 100 ants at once
    -Your muscles are made of bees
    -Given adequate time and resources, you can perfectly recreate any museum piece (save for the age, of course)
    -You can duplicate the functions of any remote control you have touched
    -Everyone you meet feels like they owe you a favor, but only one. Once used, this favor will be available again in six months
    -Your trolls are always taken seriously
    -You can eject your lymph nodes and use them as hovering camera drones
    -You can survive indefinitely in pudding
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)12:29 No.14275095
    You have the ability to travel places, and regardless of distance travelled, you will always be 15 minutes late.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)12:32 No.14275118
    You are now my favorite person.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)12:33 No.14275124
    >You have the ability to travel places

    This sounds a lot like one of my own abilities.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)12:33 No.14275130
    You can communicate with all cats telepathically within a 1000 foot radius. All they seem to respond to is you telling them that there's catfood somewhere specific.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)12:36 No.14275162
    You have the truly awe-inspiring ability to cause people to blame the person nearest to you when you fart.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)12:37 No.14275165
    The ability to ask people "What time is it?" and have them know what I really mean.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)12:38 No.14275174
    If you write your name on something you always know where it as at all times.

    Whenever you take a smoke break time moves slightly faster around you. This often leads to reprimands from your boss and "What took you so long?" from friends.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)12:38 No.14275176
    By whacking yourself on the head with a small stick, you can produce a pitch-perfect tone as though it were played on a marimba.

    You gain psychic control over any mosquito that drinks your blood. No, it doesn't work on anything other than mosquitoes.

    You are instinctively aware of when you've been scammed, but only once it's too late to do anything about it.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)12:38 No.14275179
    Party time?
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)12:39 No.14275186
    I fucking cried of laughter for, like, 10 minutes
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)12:40 No.14275192
    Brah you just proved string theory, that is a pretty fucking great superpower.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)12:43 No.14275218
    You have the amazing ability to change the taste of whatever food you prepare into that of another food as long as you are naked while doing so.

    You can make Lobster taste like Chocolate Cake, Filet Mignon taste like Lemon Meringue, or even a Wedding Cake that tastes like week-old hamburger.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)12:47 No.14275251
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    And they shall call me THE NAKED CHEF.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)12:48 No.14275260
    The ability to do anything, given enough time, funding, incentive, and luck.

    Unfortunately, it will take you 15% longer to accomplish whatever you're doing than it would a regular person given similar time, funding, incentive, and luck.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)12:52 No.14275280
    Aside from failing at captcha's you are a pretty awesome person.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)12:52 No.14275285
    -You can make dogs fart, just by looking at them. Great for clearing out a kennel or a pet shop.

    -You can communicate with the ghosts of extinct animal species, but only while using an obscure dialect of German.

    -Anything you stick up your ass slowly becomes gold after twelve hours.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)12:52 No.14275287

    That's called being incompetant. Clearly, you are it.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)12:59 No.14275325
    You can fly but if you go above power lines some unseen force kicks you in the balls.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:02 No.14275343
    - You are adored by insects. You have never been stung by a bee or wasp, and you could sleep naked in the middle of a swamp for a week and wake up without a single mosquito bite.

    Ants will occasionally clean the soles of your boots, leaving them spotlessly clean.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:05 No.14275361
    Lactokinesis - The ability to control milk and other dairy products.

    The ability to drink urine and urinate distilled water.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:07 No.14275374
    You have the ability to lock gazes with any sighted animal.

    Once the gaze has been locked, neither you nor the animal can voluntarily break it. You will stand there forever, looking each other in the eye, unless an object passes between you that breaks eye contact, or someone moves either you or the animal so that you no longer have a direct line of sight with the animal.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:08 No.14275384
    You always smell of catnip and therefore are constantly surrounded by cats.

    By touching an object, you can make it cool to the touch. Your beers are always nice and cool.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:09 No.14275394

    You have the power to control things made in Mexico, but currently outside it's borders. You yourself cannot travel to Mexico, or destructive interference will cause you to explode.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:10 No.14275397
    Just by looking at someone, you instantly know what the most offending thing you could say to them is. Language is no barrier, either - you'll know how to say it in the right language, and even regional dialect, to cause the most offense.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:12 No.14275412
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    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:12 No.14275414
    People always hold the door open for you. It doesn't matter if you actually want to go through, or are just walking past, someone will hold it open for you.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:13 No.14275418

    yeah, i know. but someone already pulled one from Super Stupor so meh
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:15 No.14275429
    >Lactokinesis - The ability to control milk and other dairy products.

    High octane fetish fuel
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:16 No.14275432
    The ability to make any person who purchases something from you to tell you "Keep the change" regardless of the amount. They may not actively resist this urge.

    Only works if you are employed as a retail or food service worker and the victim is paying with cash.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:16 No.14275433
    Could you stand just over the border and cause catastrophic changes, or does the interference get worse and worse the closer to mexico you get?
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:18 No.14275442
    - Cola Transmutation. The magical ability to turn Pepsi into Coke.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:18 No.14275447
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    >Misfits and Super Stupor
    You're good people anon.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:19 No.14275449
    By uttering a word of power, you can make a horse shit itself.

    By passing your hand over any piece of paper, cloth or canvas, you create a simple wooden frame around it. If you spit on your hand before you do this, the piece of paper will also be protected by a pane of glass.

    You can deflate any tire by kicking it with your left foot, and inflate any flat tire by kicking it with your right.

    By smiling at someone, you can instantly make them forget what they were going to say.

    By winking at them, you can make anyone feel like a bad person.

    When you hum a tune, everyone in range of hearing starts humming along with you. They will keep humming the tune at odd intervals for the rest of the day. Only a period of sleep of at least 6 hours will make the earworm go away.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:19 No.14275452
    You can unerringly point towards Jupiter.

    So long as you aren't aroused, women are helplessly attracted to you. Once you're turned on, they are repulsed by you.

    Nobody ever needs to see your ID. They will just assume you have whatever ID would be appropriate to the task you are performing.

    You can start a round of applause in any crowd, no matter the situation. It's easier to start in big crowds, but doesn't last as long once you stop clapping.

    You can produce a small laser from your eyes. Not enough to burn anything, though, but maybe enough to dazzle.

    You can transform any cheese into any other that you have tasted, you just have to chew it and when you spit it out it's changed.

    You know the numbers and menus for all the takeaways that deliver to wherever you are right now, no matter where you are on earth.

    You can write in dog language. Everyone who reads it, dogs included, will be aware of the exact sound a dog makes that you are trying to portray. It doesn't really mean anything, though.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:20 No.14275465

    The closer you are to Mexico, the worse you get. By the time you cross the border, your body will be vibrating fast and hard enough to split you to bits. When you actually touch Mexican soil, you explode.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:21 No.14275466
    >Nobody ever needs to see your ID. They will just assume you have whatever ID would be appropriate to the task you are performing.

    Holy shit.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:21 No.14275468
    The ability to grant wishes, but only for superficial things like "I wish I remembered to bring my wallet" or "I wish I had a doughnut right now..."
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:22 No.14275475
    >>Nobody ever needs to see your ID. They will just assume you have whatever ID would be appropriate to the task you are performing.

    Holy shit that would be probably the most useful power ever.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:24 No.14275484
    >I wish my gf was a perfect "10"

    hey, physical beauty is superficial, right?

    >inb4 wishing myself into a glorious hand-model career
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:24 No.14275488
    Your power works like this:

    You have to sit down. It doesn't matter where, or on what. In a pinch, you can sit on the sidewalk, but it won't work standing. You also need to be smoking a cigarette, and have a pack containing at least one more.

    Then, you meet someone's eyes. If you do this, they will sit next to you, and ask for a cigarette, even if they don't smoke. Light it for them.

    They will proceed to tell you about the great love of their life, the one that got away, and what they should have done otherwise.

    After they finish the cigarette, they will stub it out, rise and leave without saying another word.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:24 No.14275490
    Would I have unnatural power over mexican embassies, at least?
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:25 No.14275504
    Unfortunately, mexican embassies are mexican territory. You probably can't even come close to one.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:29 No.14275524
    You are the God of Shoelaces. All shoelaces pay homage to you and praise your name in the shoelace language. The purpose of aglets is known to you.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:29 No.14275531
    Your spunk tastes like delicious ice cream. Somehow, and you're never certain exactly how, everyone you meet knows it.

    You can go invisible, from the perspective of one person at a time. This person will not notice anything you do, up to and including physically assaulting them.

    There is no wall in the world that you can't scale in a matter of moments. None.

    Your fingernails and toenails can detach at will, shooting at wherever you are pointing with the force of a .22 bullet. They take a few weeks to regrow, and it hurts like fuck.

    Whenever you play roulette, the ball lands on the 0 or 00. Every single time you lay a stake, it will land there.

    You can see through sunglasses, or any tinted or mirrored glass, like it was regular glass.

    You can make tattoos of any sort appear anywhere on your body at will, and remove them at will as well. Also works on anyone you're physically touching.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:31 No.14275541
    -You can peel a banana perfectly, every time, with no effort or tools. Doesn't matter if it's too green to eat or liquefied.
    -You have animal empathy, but only with fish. You can sense what they're feeling, but you have no supernatural means of changing it.
    -Plants in your house don't need to be watered unless you remember you haven't watered them in a while.
    -You can communicate perfectly with any dentist in earshot, no matter what the situation.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:31 No.14275542
    we have aglets to stop shoelaces from fraying and being a bitch to thread through.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:31 No.14275543
    Any shoelaces you tie will always remain tied, forever, no matter what.

    Any time someone cuts their shoelaces to get their shoes off, your heart breaks just a little bit.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:33 No.14275558
    You have the power to actually pull small coins out of people's ears. They find the sensation distinctly unpleasant.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:35 No.14275574
    >implying these aren't the best threads ever

    You know exactly where everyone you have ever slept with is, and exactly what they are doing, as though you are in the room with them.

    You have random fingerprints and DNA. Which is to say, every time you leave a print or any forensic evidence behind, it implicates a different person, never you. On CCTV you will usually be unrecognisable.

    Waiters like you. They treat you like you are a really big tipper, to the detriment of everyone else in the restaurant when you are there. Pizza dudes will bring your order first as well. Nobody you wouldn't tip treats you any different, though.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:37 No.14275583
    The power to pull out a freshly pressed and clean shirt from any container big enough to contain one.

    You have the power to stop time. This stops everyone, including you, so you can't actually move while time is stopped, but it can give you time to think in stressful situations.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:38 No.14275586

    Yes, they do that, and they want you to think they only do that, but their true purpose is sinister.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:38 No.14275588


    Using any five powers suggested in this thread, form a super hero alliance and give it a name
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:40 No.14275595
    -If you begin to lose interest in a bored or card game you are currently playing, the game will begin to wrap up in four minutes.
    -You can determine how many molecules, and of what type, are in a 1x1x1 cube in your range of vision. You also know their current trajectory.
    -Your one goldfish will never die. You're not sure if this is your power or his.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:42 No.14275609
    Exactly. And the God of Shoelaces knows that purpose.


    - The Right Man For The Job: Regardless of your qualifications, relevant knowledge or anything else, everyone you meet assumes you are just the person they need to solve whatever problem they currently have. People with broken down cars assume you are a master mechanic, lost people assume you know the entire world like the back of your hand, etc.

    Hell, if you happened to meet a freaking general, he'd be sure you're just the guy he needs to talk to about shaping up the army.

    You don't actually have any special skills, though.
    >> ClubMeSoftly !vjX/b/51.s 03/17/11(Thu)13:45 No.14275621
    The ability to always have exact change, up to one dollar, or foreign equivalent.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:46 No.14275631
    Everything you ever say will rhyme, unless you pay attention it happens all the time.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:47 No.14275638
    If you are watching a quiz show on television, you know every single answer. Doesn't work for lottery, or call-in shows, or if you get on the show. Just when you're watching a broadcast quiz show at home.

    Anyone who sees you trying to hitch a ride will stop to pick you up. ANYONE. A guy in a taxi, a boat, a bus, a plane, a train, a tank, literally anyone who can make out the thumb and understand what you're doing will stop and give you a ride.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:48 No.14275644

    So you'd be a poet, and never never know that you were one?
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:50 No.14275658
    You can inflate anything inflatable with a single breath.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:50 No.14275659
    The unerring ability to locate the nearest water park, wherever you are in the world.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:51 No.14275664
    >By smiling at someone, you can instantly make them forget what they were going to say.

    I would spend allmymoney.jpg on visiting politacal and other speeches, getting in the first row and waiting for the speaker to look at me.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:51 No.14275665
    You can defer or compress the effects of withdrawal. But the longer you leave it, the worse it is, and the shorter a time you time to cram it into, the worse it is.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:52 No.14275668
    Since you were born, you have never in your life had to wait at a red light. It either stays green until you've passed through the intersection, or turns green as soon as you approach.

    This applies to any vehicle you're in as well, even if you're not the driver, and it's not owned by you.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:53 No.14275669
    Become a marine
    @Impress everybody by inflating these fuckhuge boats.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:56 No.14275689
    If anyone listens to you, your advice turns out to be wrong.

    If they don't listen to you however, you're proven to be right.

    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:57 No.14275695
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    As long as you keep your hands in pic related position, no one will be able to determine your true identity. When you stop, everyone will assume you just arrived on the scene and you just missed that masked stranger again!
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:58 No.14275702

    1) >>14274972
    >If you tell a story lasting more than two minutes and sixteen seconds everyone that listened to it falls asleep.
    Hero Name: The Voice

    >Nobody ever needs to see your ID. They will just assume you have whatever ID would be appropriate to the task you are performing.
    Hero Name: The Keymaster

    >You have the power to stop time. This stops everyone, including you, so you can't actually move while time is stopped, but it can give you time to think in stressful situations.
    Hero Name: Chronopause

    >You have this astounding ability to accurately predict ballistic trajectories.
    Hero Name: Dr. Bullitt

    >Astonishingly knowledgeable of the capital of every nation in the world and the local time as well as how to say "Where is the bathroom?" in every spoken language that has ever existed.
    Hero Name: The Tourist

    Team Name: Prevention Inc
    Together, they travel the worlds capitol cities and prevent important leaders from being assassinated
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)13:59 No.14275713

    How exactly does 1 and 3 help?
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)14:00 No.14275717
    Somewhere between 5 and 6 trillion decimal places of pi, there is a string of digits that, when translated to binary, are an ASCII text file comprising a diary of your life for the last few weeks, as though it were written by Shakespeare himself.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)14:00 No.14275723
    -Absolute and complete Immortality.

    No really, think about it. You are otherwise completely normal and there are certainly tons of other Superpowered people around. You are forced to live as a completely normal human, without the ability to do anything of consequence in this world of superheroes, forever, until the end of time.

    I think that qualifies as hell.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)14:03 No.14275736
    if the assassin has a mic or is listening to his target (say, a politician giving a speech) The Voice simply talks to the target for two minutes and 17 seconds. Boom, sleeping assassin.

    Chronopause acts like a failsafe. If the plan goes to shit, he steps in and pauses time. Sure, he can't actually change anything, but it can give him a crucial moment to think when the plans have gone tits up and the team has to react RIGHT NOW
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)14:04 No.14275739
    I'm assuming this either means wounds heal quite fast, wounds never happen in the first place or if you die you respawn somewhere good as new. Otherwise the immortality wouldn't really work.

    In either case, that would be great! You could throw yourself into harms way to safe others! Throw yourself in front of a bullet, run into burning buildings with impunity!

    Fuck, go to the Middle East and tackle suicide bombers. Laugh as they explode, you absorbing all the debris and everyone else getting away with it!
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)14:04 No.14275741
    - By some unnatural means, you never have trouble sleeping, always wake up feeling refreshed, and only need 4 hours of sleep a night.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)14:09 No.14275770
    For how long? A hundred years? A thousand? Ten Thousand?

    Oh yea, it could be great the first few decades, laughs abound. But what then?
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)14:10 No.14275778
    Any lightbulb you kiss converts 100% of the electrical energy it receives into light - no energy is lost to heat.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)14:11 No.14275787
    -All of your clothes complement each other always. Even if you put on an outfit that clashes it miraculously changes into something awesome looking.
    -Your farts smell like cinnabon cinnabuns.
    -All persons writing words with a hard "C" sound (such as "Crazy") will write them with the letter K instead if standing within 20 feet of you. If asked to spell out loud will do the same and will swear it to be correct even if shown dictionaries until you step at least 20 feet away.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)14:14 No.14275807
    People are unable to willingly stop having a conversation with you. Unless you say something like "Well, it's been nice talking to you, I gotta go now" and thereby end the conversation yourself, they cannot leave or do anything that would require too much attention, because they have to keep talking to you. People also never hang up the phone when you're on the other side. They will always, always stay on the line until you hang up.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)14:18 No.14275834
    You can communicate with cats. You're treated as the equivalent of a crazy uncle: Not unloved, but nobody wants to hang around you for long.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)14:19 No.14275839
    There are almost 7 billion people on this planet, and all of them think they know you from somewhere.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)14:19 No.14275844
    >But what then?

    Eventually you'd be so knowledgeable (if you spent your time right) that you'd become a god.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)14:21 No.14275865
    In a world with guys like Superman walking around? Unlikely. You are far more likely to just go batshit loco insane.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)14:23 No.14275879
    that's not how the brain works, anon.
    There's finite space, and memory degrades.

    After 200 years, you would be a senile, rambling lunatic who can't even remember to not shit himself.

    Assuming your mind never degrades, there's still no way you will be able to recall something you learned a century ago, let alone millennia.
    Unless you practice it every day, and that's basically infinite re-learning of the same shit over and over.

    You would be better off specializing in one area of knowledge, and watching humanities understanding of it's concepts grow over the centuries.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)14:29 No.14275922
    You are a normal Human. After your death, you reincarnate as another normal human. This repeats until you have been every human that is, ever was, or ever will be. This allows for variablity in the time-stream, so you will be everyone, regardless of where they exist in time.
    Memories and emotions accumulate, skills do not.

    The end of the cycle, if it is reached, lets you choose which incarnation you would like to spend your final life as.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)14:34 No.14275973

    what a horrible curse.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)14:34 No.14275976
    You can turn anyone you look at into a kitten by clapping your hands twice. They turn back 15 minutes later.
    If you stare at someone long enough, they'll start sweating and feel that they're wearing too much unless they're already naked. But they'll also be very much aware that you're staring at them. Their body temperature remains at just above the point where they'd feel comfortable, but it won't raise to the point where it would be harmful.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)14:35 No.14275990
    >You are a normal Human. After your death, you reincarnate as another normal human. This repeats until you have been every human that is, ever was, or ever will be. This allows for variablity in the time-stream, so you will be everyone, regardless of where they exist in time.
    Memories and emotions accumulate, skills do not.

    reminds me of enamon

    >Assuming your mind never degrades, there's still no way you will be able to recall something you learned a century ago, let alone millennia.
    Unless you practice it every day, and that's basically infinite re-learning of the same shit over and over.

    You get very organized and keep a good record of everything. Plus in a couple of hundred years if not everything goes to shit computer-brain interfaces should be sufficiently advanced.

    After that it's just a matter of miniaturisation and resources.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)14:37 No.14276014
    I have a variant of this power. It only works on one of the people I live with at one time. If I move house the person changes.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)14:38 No.14276031
    -Any pen you write with will never run out of ink as long as it is you that is using it.

    -You have the ability to identify on sight, within a 50-mile margin of error, where any item was manufactured. This applies for people as well.

    -You are familiar in theory with the steps to every dance that has ever been codified ever. You're just not a very good dancer.

    -When handling tape or other adhesive material, the side you touch will ALWAYS be the sticky side.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)14:41 No.14276060
    You are capable of accessing any webpage or information stored on the web, regardless of security or password. But you can only do so through the web interface of a 2006 mid-level cell phone.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)14:43 No.14276079
    Any sticker you encounter will be scratch-n-sniff. The aroma will match the subject matter of the sticker.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)14:49 No.14276140
    The uncanny ability to pick up exactly $10.75 in loose change and bills off the ground every day.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)14:53 No.14276173
    Or how about, wounds heal as normal- they always heal, but however long it would normally take. Though to your powers credit they don't cripple you in any way once you heal. Your body is as good as new.

    Immortality is not resistance to pain.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)14:54 No.14276177
    That's a free lunch and a drink right there. I'd take it in a heartbeat.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)14:59 No.14276214
    that is almost 4k $ a year.

    For free

    Hell, if I wanted I could probably live on that amount of money every day.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)15:08 No.14276269
    Ehh it'd be hard to live on it, but it could easily supplement a modest income.

    Live thread!

    -Any drunken equations you scribble on a napkin while trying to solve a bar debate are proven to by true by scientific research.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)15:09 No.14276278
    You have the ability to control the actions of any animal, for as long as you have held them entirely in your mouth. Hold them in there for ten seconds, and they are under your total control, and you have full access to all of their senses, for ten seconds once you spit them out.

    You can type as fast as you can mash the keyboard. Even if you just randomly hit keys, intelligible text comes out just as you intend it.

    You can change the color of your hair at will. Well, it starts to grow in that different color anyway. It might take a while for it to grow out.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)15:14 No.14276315
    You should be a student. I live on that much per day.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)15:16 No.14276321
    The ability to never be caught reading NSFW material anywhere. Doesn't matter where you are, school, work, public places, as soon as someone glances towards the screen, picture, or whatever obscene thing you are reading or watching, they will just ignore it. They can still catch you fapping, though.

    The ability to make any tap you are touching run any other potable liquid, but not alcoholic ones.

    The ability to know EXACTLY how many people from a certain demographic are needed to change a lightbulb.

    The ability to always get the median result when rolling dice (rounded off to the nearest integer).

    The ability to fall asleep during commercial breaks, no matter how short they may be, and wake up right as the show continues.

    The ability to control your facial hair growth. You can have any style you want.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)15:18 No.14276341
    This could be the most useful and most frustrating power in the goddamn world.

    Tell the president how to run the country, and get bogged down 500 times on the way home by single mothers thinking you're the perfect guy to raise their kid.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)15:20 No.14276358
    I can travel forward in time, with a speed of regular time.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)15:20 No.14276362
    You look supernaturally good in drag. In fact, so long as you put even a small amount of effort into it, you look like a fairly attractive member of the opposite sex whenever you go in drag.

    You always have just one more unit of some consumable good, when you need it. One more squirt of mustard, one more egg in the carton, one more bullet in the gun, a few more miles worth of gas, and so on. This power doesn't work if you try to be careful and make sure you have enough before you run out, only if you leave it until you desperately need it.

    You've never seen a rainbow, except in pictures. The conditions for them to form just don't happen when you're around to witness them.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)15:22 No.14276378
    The amazing power to forget things exist, and have it actually affect their existence.
    You have no control of it, meaning anything you forget actually disappears without any input from you. Do you remember where your car keys are? Do you remember how many children you have? YOU'D BETTER

    Your feet attract iron shavings as long as you are briskly walking, at a rate of about a nickel-sized object every two miles.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)15:28 No.14276434
    god, it's like some twisted perversion of Memento. Would make an interesting horror movie. An elderly man begins to go senile, and his beloved granddaughter is the only one who puts 2 and 2 together and figures out that everything grandpa forgets about disappears, but nobody listens to her because she's just a teenager and come on, that's like, totally impossible.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)15:34 No.14276479
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    I have the power to bring things into being by belief alone. To bad I'm a paranoid schizophrenic who's afraid of the dark with an active imagination that's easily affected by ghosts stories, horror movies and my own rampant imagination. Just imagine how I spend my nights wracked with nightmares as they start jumping out of my head and running rampant in the streets.

    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)15:39 No.14276508
    I can shift the blame for flatus to the person of my choosing, as long as they're not female.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)15:45 No.14276565
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    powers like these can never turn out good.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)16:07 No.14276747
    The ability to give accurate directions to any destination from your current location, but only when asked for them spontaneously by a complete stranger whom you have never met.
    >> Mr Kroot !xZzs9fJ31A 03/17/11(Thu)16:21 No.14276839
    Never single again.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)16:34 No.14276971
    Does not get tired when walking on hands.

    Thats right your super power is that you can run marathons on you hands.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)16:41 No.14277052
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    >>14275010 All electronic devices, instruments, and machines obey your spoken command as best they are able even if they have no voice recognition software. If you give the appliance a name it will no longer function for anyone unless they greet it by name.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)16:44 No.14277079
    -Anything you post publicly on the internet will get the favorable attention of at least five people.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)16:47 No.14277100
    The ability to turn wine into river water. It's pure river water, though.

    The ability to park a car in any sufficiently large space with less than a centimeter between it and the next car in line.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)17:01 No.14277231

    >-You are invulnerable to attacks by Asian people

    Time to invade North Korea

    >-Your strategy and tactics are unbeatable, but only in computer games

    Time to invade SOUTH Korea
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)17:11 No.14277327
    You have the ability to drawfag anything beautifully, but only at 100x100 resolution.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)17:13 No.14277345
    I dunno, think of all the crushingly awkward situations you would have to go through.

    "Hey wanna go out with me?"

    "Yeah sure. Oh, wait... shoot... I'm really sorry, I didn't mean that..."

    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)17:14 No.14277350
    - Ability to repeat lines from any movie in perfect pitch/accent/etc. of the actor/actress saying the line, but your regular voice is a sore to ears. You find a balance always talking from movie quotes with changing voices instead of your regular voice.

    - You drink beer and only beer. You are unable to drink water, soda, wine, etc. You are also unable to get intoxicated off this, but its always funny getting people to stare at you for drinking all the time. More expensive and flavorful the beer, the longer you can last without drinking.

    - You can extend the life of loved ones on their death beds. You have to be present in their last 10 minutes and kiss them on their forehead and you would give them another 48 hours, no more, no less.

    - You can always bullshit your way out of anything. If you tell the truth, not only are you caught, but it feels like you got kicked in the balls.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)17:15 No.14277355
    Can I drawfag 192 close-ups and merge them into a 1600x1200 image?
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)17:24 No.14277432

    No. Only stand-alone 100x100 images.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)17:31 No.14277487
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    >>14275524 The purpose of aglets is known to you.

    Their true purpose is sinister.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)17:38 No.14277543
    I would give my goddamn left nut for this power. Seriously.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)17:39 No.14277550

    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)17:40 No.14277555

    Immortality =/= Invincibility

    Perhaps you heal, but at the normal human rate. The only difference is you can heal from things that others wouldn't.

    You've dug your way out of more closed casket funeral graves then you care to think about.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)17:40 No.14277556
    you have the ability to teleport anywhere on earth everytime you sneeze however you lose your clothes have no control over the destination.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)17:42 No.14277571
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    Hurts every time, doesn't it.
    >> !!xTZrz9SXG81 03/17/11(Thu)17:42 No.14277574
    There's a 50% chance that any fluid I excrete will be a perfect sample of sweet chocolate.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)17:49 No.14277623
    The ability to cause arousal in anyone. Unfortunately, anyone affected by this power will immediately find you repugnant.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)17:54 No.14277682
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    >You can always answer captchas accurately, regardless of the language or symbols used
    I do that anyway.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)17:57 No.14277711

    Hey! Heentrol has feelings too! Douchebag.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)18:05 No.14277787
    ITT: a lot of actually decent and good super powers for doing various acts of chaotic good
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)18:07 No.14277803

    And a lot that are awesome for True Neutral living as well.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)18:17 No.14277892

    Also, the power to make taps run anything I want. I would never drink anything but Java Monsters again.

    The ability to make your teeth regrow, like a shark. Unfortunately, it hurts just as much as you'd think it would, and you'll need plenty of calcium to make it happen.

    You can project jets of flame from your hands, but only by using bodyfat as fuel.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)18:20 No.14277926
    >>14277892 You can project jets of flame from your hands, but only by using bodyfat as fuel.

    Instant weightloss + pyrotechnics?

    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)18:22 No.14277947
    >You can peel a banana perfectly, every time, with no effort or tools. Doesn't matter if it's too green to eat or liquefied.
    But I can do this already. Pinch the other end instead of pulling the "handle". Monkeys peel bananas like this.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)18:23 No.14277954
    You can stop time! Unfortunately, time also stops for you.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)18:23 No.14277957

    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)18:33 No.14278047
    Could we have this archived? I need to write these up for my RPG campaign as minor mutations, but I gotta leave to work RIGHT NOW.

    Please archive it, guys?
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)18:35 No.14278064

    You ARE aware that it doesn't take any special privileges to archive a thread right? In fact it probably would have taken only a few more seconds than it took to make your post.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)18:35 No.14278065
    hat magician. ability to morph any hat into any hat you can think of.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)18:36 No.14278071
    This thread is diamonds. Maybe archive-worthy.

    -You have the power to turn gold into lead with a touch.

    -Whenever you state the words"What could possibly go wrong?" or "Things couldn't possibly get any worse." a natural disaster occurs resulting in no less than 100 deaths.

    -Cell phone batteries automatically become 20% charged when brought within ten meters of you. This is persistent until the leave the radius.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)18:36 No.14278075
    Hands that cure baldness.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)18:38 No.14278084
    >-Cell phone batteries automatically become 20% charged when brought within ten meters of you. This is persistent until the leave the radius.

    They could really use this guy in Japan
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)18:39 No.14278095
    You can pull a white rabbit out of a hat by actual magic. No one will ever believe it though.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)18:40 No.14278101
    The supernatural ability to instantly recognize and understand humor across any cultural barrier. Even if you don't speak a lick of, say, Mandarin, you can still tell that what that aged fishmonger just said was a joke, that it was fucking -hilarious-, and you know why its funny.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)18:41 No.14278104
    You instantly know the rules for any board game you see, but you lose every time you try to play those games

    Clocks always show a random time when you're around

    Chairs, sofas and beds gain consciousness whenever you are around. and man, are they talkative!

    you can hear neighbors' thoughts through a glass against a wall
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)18:58 No.14278198
    Night sweats would get messy. . .

    You have the power to sense other people's karma, by whatever metric you deem appropriate. You know the good, the evil, and the ennui.

    You can stack upwards of 500+ small objects precariously upon each other, with perfect balance, and into advanced shapes. This works on items smaller than volleyballs, and requires no adhesive. This is great for playing card castles, champaign glasses, marbles, pencil-stacking, etc.

    You softly emit UV radiation. Not enough to be visibly seen, but plants will photosynthesize near you. People in your presence for days will get a mild tan.

    You can rub a page of text and alter the context of the letters. Textbook -> wipe -> cookbook.

    You cough sawdust. This has no medical downside.

    You see radio waves.

    You can tell the greatest jokes in the world, without prior knowledge, or preparation, so long as the audience already knows that someone else told it first.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)19:10 No.14278281
    but you will never be hungry again.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)19:14 No.14278317
    That object stacking is crazy OP.
    Atoms are small, right?
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)19:15 No.14278319
    Touching brick or clay renders it soft or malleable. This will work on most metals too, if you press firmly on the surface for several minutes.

    You can breathe ammonia and methane as well as oxygen.

    You can echolocate.

    You can store fat and water as a camel. However, this is internalized and doesn't affect your appearance.

    You can pick any lock with a credit card. This will deduct a random amount from your account, however. . .

    You can extinguish any fire by blowing at it. However, this only works if you make a wish as well. This wish will be granted, after /tg/ is asked to corrupt it.

    You are the world's most prestigious air-combat ace. You are only proficient in flying hot-air-balloons. . .

    You can swim up waterfalls. But only during mating season. . . You are never sure when mating season occurs for you. . .

    You can accurately describe the contents of food cans and pill bottles by shaking them, giving a listing of the materials and quantity of items.

    You can create moving images by sewing. You are limited by your current skill in sewing.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)19:16 No.14278331
    You can alter the texture of your skin from silky, to sandpaper, at will.

    You can cause 1x solar eclipse per year and 1x lunar eclipse per month.

    You can grow cacti in any biome or climate. This includes deep space (vacuum) and tundra.

    Cats you pet will bark. Dogs you pet will meow.

    Duck's quacks will echo, but only for you.

    You hear other people's consciences. . .

    You can always beat a red traffic light if you drift your car.

    Airplane pilots will always point you out as a tourist location, as they pass over you, or even if you are within the airplane. This works even if you are too far to be visually seen, or are under camoflage.

    You can always win the mini-lottery games that earn you a free-ticket. That one will also earn you a free ticket.

    You are challenged to impromtu rap-offs. You will win so long as someone beatboxes behind you. You are not aware of this requirement.

    You can open a coconut neatly into halves by sweet-talking it.

    You can 'see' relationships between people as lines connecting them. The color of the line denotes how they are related. Family, married, dating, hating, etc.

    Babies don't cry near you. They just giggle and smile.

    You have your own theme music.

    Morgan Freeman narrates your life to everyone within earshot.

    You can 'save your progress' in life, like a videogame, but only once. You can 'load' twice.

    You can detonate squirrels with a glance.

    You can always knock out a tough guy in one swing, but only if he is surrounded by 10 medium level brawlers.

    You can complete any billards trickshot, but only if you play on a table that you've never been to before.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)19:25 No.14278399
    - You have the power of instantly causing a strong, loud orgasm to any person within line of sight.

    - You are able to make any person grow a mohawk, including yourself. This means you can make people's hair fall off, leaving only a mohawk behind, or make bald people grow a mohawk, without the possibility of re-growing the rest of their hair.

    - You gain one single facial feature from the current character you are playing on any role-playing game, even if such character is not human, or from the opposite gender.

    - You have the uncanny ability to fly at supersonic speeds unaffected by G forces, low oxygen, and all other hazards related to such power, but it is only triggered whenever you sneeze. Once you hit the ground, you can´t fly unless you sneeze again. This power does not work if you intentionally make yourself sneeze.

    - Whenever you affect a PC's attitude/feelings towards your own PC, the player whose character is affected also feels the same way about you while you are playing that character.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)19:27 No.14278413
    You learn from all of your failures. What you learn is fully random. Get mugged -> Learn Greek. Drop out of school -> You have memorized all the works of Shakespeare. The severity of the 'failure' or misfortune grants more learning for worse cases.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)19:32 No.14278454
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    >power of insta-orgasm
    >Be best sex-partner ever
    >Wreak havoc with people doing public speaking or just people in public in general.
    >No need to masturbate, just look at self, and pic related
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)19:44 No.14278552
    All you have to do is to vote this shit up on sup/tg/ now.

    -After licking people you know how do they feel about you.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)19:46 No.14278577
    You have the unerring ability to type coherently when completely shit-faced, as well as to read captchas in a similar state.

    (Something that appears to be problematic at the moment.)
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)19:48 No.14278601
    >thinks being a great sex partner is about giving orgasms quickly
    Man, it's awfully 15 in here...
    >> Iron Lung 03/17/11(Thu)19:51 No.14278624
    I'd do it just to make people I don't like discharge in their pantaloons.
    Pull me over for speeding, enjoy a trouser full of baby-batter.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)19:53 No.14278645
    That's actually really useful, since lateness implies having an appointment. Like here I am, sitting in my kitchen in New York. Email a friend in Amsterdam, tell him I'll be at his apartment in 15 minutes. 30 minute international flights ftw.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)19:54 No.14278655
    Oh definitely, it's still an awesome power, just not for the "best sex partner ever" reason from
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)19:55 No.14278657
    Ha, I already have this ability.

    Hint: It's weirded out or horny.

    So long as you only speak in Quotes of at least a full sentence you gain an increasing ability to memorize quotes.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)19:55 No.14278666
    Being perpetually aware of all cats within a five mile radius. No control over them, you just know they're there.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)20:04 No.14278754
    -When you lick people they will become incredibly distraught and upset.
    -Cats do everything in their power to protect you whilst you are near them.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)20:38 No.14279088
    - You have the ability to summon a bucket of fried chicken at will, once per day. Each piece always tastes slightly off, in a different way.
    - When ever you carry an umbrella on you, you will not get wet, even if it's raining. If you do not have an umbrella you are perpetually moist.
    - You shit Anthracite Coal. You feel scrape the inside of your bowels on the way out, but it causes no lasting dammage to your colon or large intestine.
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)20:50 No.14279219
    >lasting dammage
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)21:03 No.14279316
    Moist? Reminds me of Dr. Horrible's roommate.
    >> Frosted Weasel !!dLUhj2yYgMt 03/17/11(Thu)21:42 No.14279660
    -Ability to make someone near by peckish. Not fully hungry. Eating a candy bar or a small bag of chips is sufficient to relieving the feeling.

    -Ability to make all coffee within a 100m radius luke warm.

    -Ability to rip phone books in half. Only phone books though.

    -Ability to make it partially cloudy or partially sunny. No full weather control, but you can fuck up someone's tan!
    >> Engineer Guy 03/17/11(Thu)21:45 No.14279681
    -The ability to teleport any food items within ten miles to your position
    -The ability to read the minds of dogs
    -The ability to reduce the resistance of a wire by 0.1%
    >> Anonymous 03/17/11(Thu)21:56 No.14279774
    The ability to instantly know the chemical composition of anything you stand on. It has to be large enough for you to put the full surface of both feet on it, and you must be barefoot for it to work.
    >> Snake Eyes 03/18/11(Fri)02:51 No.14282788
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    >Your strategy and tactics are unbeatable, but only in computer games

    destined for a long and successful career as a combat UAV pilot
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)03:14 No.14282990
    Sometime in your teenage years, you made a remarkable discovery.

    If you sit on a street corner all day, sunrise to midnight, broken glass will begin to form back into whole bottles. Gum will peel itself off the sidewalk, unchew, vent dust and form into its original shape in time for a wrapper to waft down from some high place and enfold it. Cracks in the sidewalk will heal back together. The air smells like tobacco as smoke and ashes flow into stubs to reform whole cigarettes.
    Nearby homeless people and street musicians will receive plentiful donations, though you've never made more than five dollars on one of these days.
    >> Not-OP 03/18/11(Fri)03:21 No.14283042
    Whenever startled you teleport to a random location that you feel in your heart is safe, this only affects your living cells, so you arrive bald, without the dead part of your fingernails and with only raw living skin to protect your flesh. Meanwhile all the aforementioned body cast offs, your clothes, and things you were carrying all fall to the ground in a lump.

    The power is reflexive and happens only when truly startled enough to get your adrenaline pumping.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)03:29 No.14283076
    Most of your bones is dead matter. Enjoy minutes of brain-shredding pain until you die of oxygen deficiency because you can no longer breathe.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)03:32 No.14283096
    Drawing a pair of 2's at will or unerringly knowing the weather tomorrow would both be a sure path to millions, possibly billions of dollars.

    These powers are decidedly SUPER.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)03:33 No.14283099
    -You are incapable of ever saying "die".
    -You are invulnerable to the stingers of insects.
    -You cannot be convicted by a court of law after graduating college with a degree in Women's Studies.
    -For every energy drink you consume, you are capable of ejecting one softball sized sphere of harmful ki energy from your palms up to a distance of sixty feet.
    -Any chair you sit on becomes instantly comfortable.
    -You cannot lose your virginity, even after having sex.
    -Occasionally, when you make a cell phone call, you are inadvertently transferred to the personal line of a seemingly random world leader.
    -Your eyes are unaffected by staring at the sun, allowing you to read the apocalyptic messages written upon it.
    -At will, you can transform yourself into an island.
    -You can grow a fish tail from your anus. Painfully.
    -You can master the use of any bladed weapon you touch, though when you attempt to demonstrate your skills to another weapon user, you inadvertently look inept and comical.
    >> снайпер 03/18/11(Fri)03:34 No.14283111
    A super power that causes everything within a certain radius to abide by the laws of physics.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)03:40 No.14283140
    If you are observing a debate, nobody involved will back down.
    Coincidentally, you love watching CSPAN.
    >> Command Squad !8CHDJ3c6tQ 03/18/11(Fri)03:45 No.14283176
    After working in a credit card factory, you are able to steal money in 20 dollar bundles by swiping credit cards, sideways, through your lips.
    You can crack every joint in your hands as much as you desire with no ill effects. Each joint plays a different note as though it were a banjo.
    While chewing Big Red gum, everyone around you tastes Winterfresh, and vice-versa.
    >> Indonesian Gentleman 03/18/11(Fri)04:39 No.14283495
    >You can crack every joint in your hands as much as you desire with no ill effects
    I have this power!
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)04:42 No.14283511
    My friend came up with this one in highschool, about... 6 years ago, now. I remember it vividly, because when I had asked people what powers they would have if they could have superpowers, his answer was this.

    "The power to turn mustard into ketchup."

    It shamed me and my mundane idea of a Colossus-like power to become indestructible.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)04:46 No.14283525
    Dude. Whoa.

    Let's make this cosmic-scale. By existing you make all things past, present and future happen exactly as they were going to happen anyway.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)04:49 No.14283538
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    the ability to speak and have the words materialize ala yellow submarine style
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)04:50 No.14283553
    The ability to make things someone else's problem, at which point you can no longer interact with them. Nobody else cares about them either, as everyone assumes someone else with bother with it later.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)04:55 No.14283590
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)05:19 No.14283742

    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)07:13 No.14284282
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    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)07:28 No.14284360
    Haha, what's that from?
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)07:32 No.14284373
    Gunnerkrigg Court, it's a webcomic
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)07:35 No.14284386
    honestly the first part, i've bluffed a few hands of poker on that, and it's almost a godsend in blackjack/21/pontoon or w/e
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)07:36 No.14284391
    ... well. That's... pretty not-super.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)07:42 No.14284405
    -You accidentally lose things that always turn up for someone else when they need it most.

    -Whenever you dream you dream of things that have happened to people you are close to, whether they have told you about it or not.

    -You have fantastic luck with animals. Domestic animals fawn all over you while wild animals or feral animals prefer to avoid you even more than usual... even when attacked by animals your body seems to always flinch/sway/dodge in the exact way for you to suffer almost no injuries or the least injuries that can be expected from a situation
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)08:32 No.14284677
    >You have your own theme music.
    >Morgan Freeman narrates your life to everyone within earshot.

    Do I need to point out how awesome those are?
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)08:37 No.14284721
    -I'm the master of telekinesis and psychogenesis
    -I can only shoot mindbullets.
    -Those bullets originate from my brain and thus have to blast through my cranium to get anywhere.
    -Using my powers would cause immediate an hero.
    -Fucking yay.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)09:27 No.14284947
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)09:44 No.14285032
    The amazing ability to know the ending of any movie...but only when you are watching it, even if you havn't seen it yet. Afterwards, you recall as much as the average joe.

    You don't go to the movies very often.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)09:51 No.14285067
    You can hear loud noises made 30 seconds before they happen. This is very useful when gunfire or explosions are involved, but you can never enjoy loud music properly.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)09:58 No.14285121
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    -Your pimples are actually bird seed.

    -Whenever you eat bread or food of similar composition, it turns into an unknown meat inside your mouth. The meat always tastes like chicken.

    -You can use any audio device by simply listening to it.

    -Arachnids have no urge to harm you as long as you're touching them.

    -Ever since the day you've first tried your hand at using a pen, you are able to accurately and vividly depict whatever you saw in your last dream. No one knows how you or your hands do it.

    -Your fingernails and toenails are made out of a substance that makes them disturbingly addictive. When word goes out about them, people start wanting to pay you to chew or smoke your nails.

    -You are able to use any steering device simply by rotating your eyeballs in the proper directions.

    -Due to unknown physiological circumstances, your tongue is detachable without any negative effects. If your tongue is not returned within 30 minutes, you will always grow a new one.

    -You have the ability to see the world around you in wireframes.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)10:01 No.14285140
    You have the power to make people treat your words and instructions with dire importance, but only as long as you aren't wearing pants.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)10:02 No.14285145
    Wear a kilt.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)10:04 No.14285154
    While wearing a kilt, everyone will regard anything you say as some sort of hysterical joke.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)10:19 No.14285233
    -You have the ability to survive any fall with no injuries or pain whatsoever. So say if someone shoots a gun at you just make sure you fall on the bullet and you will be perfectly fin or if you you fell into the sun you would be perfectly fine up until the point you recover from the fall and the temperature of the sun incinerates you.

    -You have the ability to break the 4th wall and ask the audience. Whether the audience is right or wrong though who knows you simply have the ability to ask them.

    -Time is frozen while you are eating a snickers, but you have to be continuously chewing and swallowing. The moment you stop eating the snickers time resumes and every one that was in a 20 yard radius of you at any point is aware that you froze time and everything you did while time was frozen.

    -Whenever you enter a bar at the exact moment you make your way to the bartender someone in the bar exclaims they just won the lottery and drinks are on the house. But the drink you really want is unavailable. Limited once per 24 hour period.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)10:25 No.14285271
    You always heal perfectly. What does this mean? If you have your arm chopped off, it will grow back. If you get sick with any ailment, you will get better. If you slice off someone else's arm and sew it to your empty arm socket, it will heal onto you, and soon be in perfect working order. If you slice off someone else's arm and sew it to your torso, it will also heal to working order, and you'll have a functional extra arm. If you use the limb or body part of an animal to do the same, it will also work. If you have your head sliced off and stuck to another persons body, you will also heal perfectly, or even if your brain is removed and placed in another skull.

    As far as it is possible to tell, the only limit is that some part of your brain must be present (you aren't sure which, not wanting to risk excising any part of that organ for a test), and that the healing takes time, and that it only seems to work on things not immediately fatal. For example, if you are shot in heart, you will die unless quickly stabilised and attached to an artificial heart.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)10:50 No.14285424
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    The ability to climb into any depiction of a fictional or real place, and time, and actually be there.

    It is not your dimension however. To return, always have on you a picture of our dimension. Lose that, and, well...you can always go to another dimension I suppose.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)11:06 No.14285490
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    >You look supernaturally good in drag. In fact, so long as you put even a small amount of effort into it, you look like a fairly attractive member of the opposite sex whenever you go in drag.

    so...so badly want, so badly ;_;
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)11:20 No.14285568
    >-For every energy drink you consume, you are capable of ejecting one softball sized sphere of harmful ki energy from your palms up to a distance of sixty feet.

    Holy shit I am Ryu.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)11:23 No.14285588
    Any clothes you wear continuously clean and repair themselves.
    Not much use in combat, but I imagine it would be a godsend to anyone with a secret identity.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)11:28 No.14285618
    You have the curious ability to "deflect" illnesses, harmful conditions, and minor injuries to the nearest living human being.

    Up to and including most STDs. This ability has no maximum range.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)11:28 No.14285623

    that would be horrific
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)11:38 No.14285683
    You are capable of inciting terrible, painful, disabling yet generally harmless stomach cramps simultaneously in one person of your choosing, and yourself.

    I had four within an hour and a half yesterday. I wouldn't want to experience even single one again even if it'd save my life. Fucking stomach flu.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)11:52 No.14285754
    You have perfect awareness of your own body, and can quantify the exact state of your health and stamina.
    That's right, you have the same superpower as every video game character in the world.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)12:43 No.14286046
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)12:49 No.14286096
    You awake one day to find that you have gained a limited power over natural rubber. Unfortunately, all it allows you to do is use willpower to prevent a rubber object from bouncing back up when it is dropped from your hand.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)12:53 No.14286126
    No condom will ever fit you - they will always turn out to be too small. This does not increase the size of your penis, but it may be useful in convincing a drunken woman otherwise... if you're willing to take the risk of unprotected sex.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)12:56 No.14286145
    You have been blessed with the power to hard boil an egg instantly by holding it in your hand and blowing on it for two seconds. There is no apparent heat involved; it is unclear how the egg becomes hard-boiled, but the trick will not work on anything else.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)12:57 No.14286154
    >So long as you aren't aroused, women are helplessly attracted to you. Once you're turned on, they are repulsed by you.

    You have the power to propel cheese at any velocity.
    You can manipulate meat. It must be raw and dead.
    You have the ability to determine all possible shades of a given color once exposed to it.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)13:07 No.14286219
    you have the ability to phase into different dimensions when facing a situation that would otherwise kill you. This happens automatically, regardless of any damage you have taken up until that point.
    However, you have no control over what dimension you go to, or what situations you appear in when you phase into a new dimension, and repeated jumps disrupt space and time and cause you to phase randomly with an ever increasing chance.
    So for instance nobody could ever fatally shoot you, but if someone tried you might appear in a version of earth where dinosaurs never went extinct and suddenly get eaten by a tyrannosaurus, except you don't and instead phase into a dimension where earth was never formed so you almost freeze/suffocate to death in space and so on.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)13:30 No.14286355
    >>Goldfish never die

    Throw that fucker in the ocean. Goldfish grow to the size of their containers.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)13:35 No.14286380
    The ability to scroll extremely fast with a scroll wheel (not with the scroll bar)
    Ability to disrupt wireless signals. Passive ability. Cannot be turned off.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)13:38 No.14286390
    The power of the shower-grower.

    When you first meet a woman, this power has no effect until you say one of the special terms. You can only use one of them on each woman, and it affects her for the rest of her life.

    If you say 'show' or 'show-er', or 'shown' or some other variation to her first, from that point on she cannot shake the conviction that your dick is massive. When and if she actually see's it or feels it, she will not only be disappointed, she will be convinced it is abnormally small and hilariously ineffective. Once she hasn't seen it for a few hours, she will return to the conviction that it is massive until she see's it again.

    If you say 'grow' or 'grow-er' or 'grown' to her first, she becomes totally convinced your dick is tiny. Even if she see's it, no matter what size it is, she will find it pathetically small. Only if she feels it, or you actually fuck her, will she become convinced it is the biggest and best she has ever had. A few hours after the last time she touches it she will return to the conviction that it is tiny, until she feels it again.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)13:43 No.14286421
    -The ability to extinguish A candle with your mind

    Just one, you have know idea where it is, but there is no doubt in your mind that you are indeed causing someone, somewhere minor inconvenience, and you revel in that fact.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)13:50 No.14286458

    Sounds like it'd be pretty fun. Does it work across language barriers too, or do you have to say 'show/grow' in the listener's native language?
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)13:56 No.14286500
    You cannot die, and any single act that would otherwise kill you outright (getting shot in the head, run over by a truck etc) instead sends you back to the dawn of time at a random location. Time passes much faster (from your point of view) to the point that you can see empires rise and fall in what feels like a manner of days, but only until you return to the point in time where you were originally "killed". As you pass through time, you will not age until you return to your proper time, and your bodies' regenerative ability is greatly enhanced as is your pain tolerance. But once you return to your original time, you become just like any other regular human- except you'll go back in time several thousand years the next time you get hit by a bus.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)13:57 No.14286504
    You gain the ability to think in any language on earth. You don't actually know the language, but you can understand what you think.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)14:41 No.14286814

    I would say, any language so long as one of the two of you understand it.

    For me, I would use 'show' on any woman I didn't really care whether I slept with, and 'grow' on any woman I really liked. Why? Well, the former would build my rep when it comes to getting with women I haven't used the words on, while the latter I would work on enough that they would sleep with me out of kindness or pity, and they would really enjoy it when they did.

    I do worry that the effect of having their opinions and convictions changed all the time might make them go mad, though.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)14:44 No.14286840
    the ability to walk and talk exactly like a human being
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)14:44 No.14286842
    To riff slightly on the 'shower-grower' thing;

    You are, THE POLARISER

    If anyone knows you well enough to like you, they love you with all their heart. If they know you well enough to dislike you, they hate you with an equal passion. If they don't know you well enough to form such an opinion, or they only know you from reputation or television, they have no prejudice regarding you at all.

    Once someone loves you, it takes only a minor, but deliberate, slight to flip them to hate-mode. If they hate you, it takes only a minor, but deliberate, kindness to flip them to love-mode.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)14:47 No.14286861
    The ability to always get caught in the act of petty crime. It's more useful than you think. Getting mugged? Grab the guy's wallet, or kick him in the nuts. BAM! instant cop.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)14:52 No.14286885
    The Flamingo.

    You use only half the effort to stand on one leg as the average person does to stand on two. Whenever you're just idle, it's far easier for you to chill out balancing on a single foot. It does freak people out slightly, though.

    The Leaf on the Wind.

    You are able, with absolute accuracy, tell people what cancelled shows would have been like if they were let run. Though you or anyone else has no way to confirm what you say, it seems spot on, down to details that would be difficult to just imagine. You can use the power to become a screenwriter, perhaps.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)14:56 No.14286915
    Half of these would be great for Unknown Armies.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)14:58 No.14286929
    You have the uncanny ability to get an erection whenever you want. The trade off is that you can not get one if you are ever within 30 feet of a woman.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)16:39 No.14287801
    So as long as you're gay or only fuck traps you have amazing sexual stamina? I fail to see anything bad here.

    Alternatively, find a girl with said power, convince her to do porn, and rake in tons of cash from futa fetishists.
    >> Anonymous 03/18/11(Fri)19:35 No.14289363
    this is a real ability I have. I can wake up almost exactly 15 minutes before my alarm goes off in the morning. 15 minutes isn't enough time to go back to sleep so this sucks.

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